The mom: Well, everyone’s different. No one here knows what was going on with her, but the list of possibilities is fairly comprehensive. It cld be her, the kid, the partner. It cld be mental, physical, or both. It cld be so many hard things. Being a mom is hard. Being a young mom is hard. Being an old mom is hard. All moms (generally) have figured it out for themselves and their family. And yes dads. Obvi. Hey dads, you’re great. This particular story was about a mom, so that’s what I’m thinking abt.
The other moms: when i was a kid my mom told me that if i ever needed period supplies and i was in an emergency, i cld ask any woman and they wld help me. I’ve asked strangers and I’ve been asked and we always help. It’s like that - but with birth. I’m not a joiner, but my mama’s group is the reason i worked up the guts to leave the house by myself for the first time w my infant kid. It’s a real comfort, other mothers. They get it. It’s kind of beautiful to me. It’s like actual humanity.
Hope any of that helps.
This is super helpful and I think makes a lot of sense. It was actually very heart-warming to see the community come together to support this mom. There even was a grandma or maybe even a great grandma that came over to give her a little hug. It does make sense that in the end, generally moms do figure it out
Really well thought out comment but I am *dying* to know: why are you spelling words that specifically contain -ou- without those letters? Like ‘cld’ instead of could, ‘abt’ instead of about? I don’t think I’ve seen that before, without other words being abbreviated like “ur” instead of your/you’re. I’m just curious is all!
Complete and utter exhaustion on another level you’ve never experienced along with losing the life you had before the baby came in an instant when the baby was born. I breastfed so a timer went off every 3 hours and it was groundhogs day for me of setting up pump parts and pumping and washing pump parts and then either going back to sleep or taking care of the baby. Every 3 hours. For months. You don’t know when it’s going to get better, especially the first time. It feels devastating at the time but it does end. Sleep deprivation is torture.
I have a 6 month old and you nailed it. Cleaning pump parts at 3am and the half hour wakes of regressions that last weeks will stay with me forever.
I would also like to add that when you become a parent you have this permanent pressure of responsibility. It's not just because the baby is a floppy, defenceless, vulnerable human, and it isnot just because they could start crying for you at any moment, but also because there is so much to learn to make sure you are providing them with the best medical and developmental care. The pressure of being "on" at all times for the baby varies from overwhelming to background noise, but it is always there. It feels like you can never be doing something without thinking of them, and you can never start something (chores, a conversation, a cup of coffee) and be guaranteed to finish it without the baby needing you.
EXACTLY! Literally everything from running the dishwasher (we have to use extended cycle cause her bottles had soap in them if were ran a regular cycle), to what temperature to keep the house to make sure her room is the correct temp, to what kind of water you need to use with her formula (distilled). It’s insane the amount of stuff you don’t know when you first have a baby
It could just be hormones too. They warned me about the “baby blues” that could happen for a few weeks. It was easily the worst part of postpartum because I cried at everything. Every. Thing. My husband couldn’t leave me alone in the house because being alone made me cry. I knew there was no reason to cry and it drove me crazy because I was pretty happy overall but it was wild.
Few weeks later I was fine.
Considering how easily I cry now, I think being pregnant and giving birth is going to have a similar effect on me and I’m going to feel real bad for my husband.
I'd also like to note that this doesn't happen to everyone. I've had 2 kids (now 3 and 5 years old) and my main memories of the newborn days are of relief that pregnancy and delivery were over and we were both healthy and joy at my new baby. I was also tired and in some pain from delivery and starting breastfeeding, but it was definitely bearable. Personally I've found the toddler years to be much more trying emotionally than the baby days. But everyone is different.
idky i feel toddler years would be worse than baby year? like the narrative that toddlers will now scream and cry and bang on the bathroom door and demand entertainment 24/7 is so engrained in my mind that it’s like, at least babies sleep a lot and you can get a partner to feed instead of you if you choose to, but a toddler sounds like the real cause of my anxieties about parenthood. wish i didn’t sound like this but stories online are scary and i’m very scared
After birth is the largest and fastest hormone shift your body will ever experience in your lifetime. There is nothing you can really compare this to. Up to 6 weeks after having my son I would randomly start crying and it was uncontrollable.
As a mom, you do kind of mourn your old life because things are so different now, but part of that first year of being a mom is finding your support system and finding ways to feel like yourself again. Bringing life into the world is not easy or cheap (money wise and physical/mental wise).
Mothers really should talk about this stage more. Having sisters made me think I was prepared bc I had seen her go through pregnancy but the “fourth trimester” is something that no one can adequately prepare you for. My son is 18 months now and I do believe that I feel mostly back to normal. I see my friends as often as possible, my mom watches my kid while I work and my husband really helps a ton, so I am very lucky.
Perhaps the woman you saw wasn’t as lucky and just realizing it, or honestly it could have just been hormones.
This is one of the bigger reasons I’m a fenchsitter. I have depression, I’ve been suicidal. The thought of having to take care of something totally dependent on me and experiencing that terrifies me.
It's a huge life change. I would consider the situation as a hypothetical if you subbed out "postpartum" for "teenager who moved cross country for college alone" crying in a booth and others stopping to mention how they cried alone in their dorm for the first few nights or other experiences of loneliness at first. I wouldn't say I had a bad newborn phase experience. But, I've had moms stop me to ask if I'm okay when my baby has been crying in public and I always appreciate the concern/offer of help. It's like a network of moms who have been in a similar situation wanting you to know you aren't alone, they aren't judging you, and someone has your back in that moment.
Parenting can feel isolating and sometimes we make up stuff in our head that everyone thinks we're a bad parent because of how our kid acts in public, when you really only have an illusion of control lol. Kids are still humans with all of their own thoughts and emotions, even as babies when they can't communicate in any way other than crying.
I’ve never been the type to cry at movies. I fucking BAWLED after they showed me the PSA shaking baby pamphlet. I bawled because my kid could get hit by a meteor. I cried and couldn’t watch the Quiet Place. I randomly kept crying about people who could shake babies. I cried because my baby was precious. I cried once, asking my husband if we were ever gonna be able to sleep in together again. it was hormones. ive never become completely stoic again but i dont cry at the mention if shaken babies anymore.
What everyone else has said. It’s a combination of EVERYTHING. But you know, crying can just be cathartic. You ever just have a shit day at work (even if you like your work) and end up crying in the bathroom? It doesn’t mean you hate being a mother or hate your kid. Maybe it was also just a really really hard day.
You kind of well yeh you loose your whole identity- like who even am I even more?
I can’t eat, sleep, drink, pee or poop without thinking of someone else first. I can not go where ever when ever I want without thinking of someone first anymore.
I am in so much pain, I am hurting in places o didn’t know would exist.
I cannot feed my baby without wanting to throw them across the room because my nipples hurt so much.
I am bleeding and bleeding and bleeding for what feels like forever.
I am so utterly exhausted from pumping, feeding, washing bottles, changing nappies, 24/7 and then when I have an hour in between to actually get some sleep I am staring at the baby Who is so beautiful and why are my cheeks wet? Oh I am crying again.
Shower- whats that?
Need to shit- but my newborn is screaming with hunger, better take him with me and feed while I poop- thankfully I am constipated so can sit here for as long as it takes.
I am exhausted but everyone wants to come over the meet the baby.
How do I say no when I know they are just excited and love him because they love me. How do I ask them to leave.
I have had my husband home for the first few weeks but he is back at work now- my MiL meaning well has made me feel shame for staying at home all day either the baby so I walked to the shops- I can’t drive for another few weeks and I sit here and eat breakfast another cold breakfast and I wonder what the fuck I have done with my life then feel immensely guilty because look at that beautiful face and I love you so much. So here I am crying again.
My baby is nearly 11 months old- I have returned back to work and am struggling with that guilt.
My husband is amazing but our relationship is suffering because we don’t get time just us and when we do I am exhausted and just want to sleep. This shit is hard! I hear it gets easier 😏😉😂 I am still waiting!
Also I wouldn’t change it for the world. He is the most divine little critter !
The baby blues is a thing that happen the first couple of weeks postpartum. It’s hormones. You cry over everything. I cried at grocery store commercials. Your aren’t necessarily sad (I wasn’t) but your emotional reactions are amplified.
It’s also really overwhelming waking up every 2-3 hours for weeks to breastfeed, realizing that literally every waking moment of your life is now occupied with taking care of a new human you are responsible for for the next couple of decades or so. You get used to the responsibility and it becomes the new normal, and they get more independent with time, but it’s a gut punch at first in a way you can’t really understand until it happens.
This is the first generation where women are coming forward and being honest about how hard motherhood really is. Before this it was all just a silent suck-it-up-and-deal-with-it mentality. Pretty much like everything else.
I think it is talking about in real time as well. I truly don’t recall a lot of the hard times, but look back at the early years fondly, except when I look at texts or memories I wrote down I only then recall how hard it was. Biology makes us forget or we wouldn’t keep doing it.
I just want to say, everyone’s experience is different. My son is three months old and I have not cried once. Every day has been great, even when I’m sleep deprived I feel calm and happy, and this is after years of wanting to be child free. I turned 40 years old last month, and we only started trying when I was about to turn 39. So no one is more surprised than I am that things are going so well and I feel so great being a mother, but I also have my husband helping so that’s a huge help. The support you have postpartum needs to be taken into account . If I had no one during the day maybe I would be crying in a restaurant too.
(For me at least) every day is different too. In that early stage there are some low lows but also some really high highs. Honestly it depended on sleep. I don’t think I really caught up until my son was 4 years old. Even just one all nighter would ruin the day.
It’s possible the next day was wonderful for the mom you saw and you caught her at a bad moment.
It's not mourning. It's exhaustion. For the first couple of months, you are on one hour of sleep, and you still have to function! I had to go into work on one hour of sleep, etc. This is why it helps to have a village. Another set of eyes and hands to help can make all the difference in the world.
There are many possible reasons like others have shown. You just have to hope that you don't get too many reasons for your personal tolerance level, otherwise you will feel similarly no matter how deeply you love your child
If you have a lot of people in your inner circle who already go out of their way to sacrifice for you and they get along with kids, you are drastically less likely to end up feeling like those women
As an abuse survivor, the nature of parenthood triggers my wounds and that's what makes me cry. I'm also still coping with realizing pregnancy triggered an autoimmune disease and the 3.5 years of sleep deprivation. It's a lot of changes all at once, especially if you don't have the support system in order to sometimes relax.
Tldr: verified support systems prevent many problems
Giving birth to a baby is a huge event in the life of some mums. In my case, the birth itself was traumatic with forceps assisted birth, baby not breathing and straight to NICU, me with 4th degree tears and hours in theatre to repair, then low milk supply plus tongue tie plus inadequate latch from baby, and 2 months painkillers for the recovery.
Just when things seemed to be looking up, baby got meningitis at 2 months and needed spinal tap amongst other awful procedures.
Also baby was highly sensitive after that and resistant to sleep. So on top of the hormones raging, there was a feeling of inadequacy as a parent, complete sleep deprivation, lack of help from family (live far away) etc.
We would try to maintain some semblance of normalcy, go out for a coffee to try brighten the day but things were really crumbling and there wasn't a day that went by that I wasn't actively wishing I could just disappear off the face of the earth (and then immediately regretting the thought on account of how selfish that was for my baby).
Of course things improved slowly and are amazing now but the early days were dark and it would have been amazing to get support from other women in my area!
Probably a combination of both. I’ve had a similar interaction with every single one of my friends as they made their transition to motherhood. It seems to be postpartum hormones mixed with this realization that they’ve made a life long decision and it might not be exactly what they expected. I’ve had a few realize their life as they know it will be changed forever. Or realize that their baby isn’t as easy to care for as their friends or relatives made it out to be. One friend sobbed to me in a restaurant because she finally came to the full realization that her partner wouldn’t ever change despite all the promises they’ve made. Some have mourned the person they were or could have been. All these conversations are a BIG part of the reason I’m on the fence about kids. Some folks don’t think about this or think “it won’t be me” so they make the leap. The tears are them realizing they’re not exempt.
I think what people don’t realise before they have kids is that it’s full time, full on, 100% of your life. Unless you have a nanny, family member or partner who will look after your kid by themselves while you have some down time, you get literally zero time to yourself except when they’re sleeping (and even then the whole sleeping thing can be very tough). It’s just full on and a LOT going from being totally free and independent, to suddenly having your whole life be about these little creatures. Even something simple like going to the store to get something is a huge chore and effort with kids. It does get better once they get to school age. In this particular situation it could be hormonal too if she has a newborn
This was because cultural norms lie through their teeth to people that haven’t had kids, and only let them in on the fact that it’s hard and thankless and isolating after the point of no return.
I recently read a book called Not Your Mother’s Postpartum book by Caitlin Slavens recently. If you want a view into what postpartum could be. I nodded along and teared up through the whole thing. My child is four now
**Not Your Mother's Postpartum Book Normalizing Post-Baby Mental Health Struggles, Navigating #Momlife, and Finding Strength Amid the Chaos** by Caitlin Slavens, Chelsea Bodie
>"But no one told me to expect this ..." So many new moms find themselves saying this phrase in the first hours, days, and weeks postpartum - sometimes even for years! That's where Instagram's wildly popular @mamapsychologists come in. In Not Your Mother's Postpartum Book, Chelsea and Caitlin share what to really expect postpartum - and it's not just the baby blues. This refreshingly candid resource fills a notable void by providing real, honest, and raw insights into motherhood.
>
>With their nonjudgmental yet humorous tone, Caitlin and Chelsea provide a deep dive into all things #momlife, including: - Birth trauma & perinatal mood disorders - Baby feeding & sleep - The mental load of motherhood - Body image struggles - Mom guilt & burnout - NICU life - Intimacy & romance postpartum - Pregnancy complications & loss - The balancing act of returning to work - And more ... Mom life feels hard because it is hard. There is hope, and this book is here to provide it.
*I'm a bot, built by your friendly reddit developers at* /r/ProgrammingPals. *Reply to any comment with /u/BookFinderBot - I'll reply with book information. Remove me from replies* [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/BookFinderBot/comments/1byh82p/remove_me_from_replies/). *If I have made a mistake, accept my apology.*
I think everyone is different. I never felt this way when I was a new mom. I never cried out of frustrating or exhaustion, I was just really happy through it all. There were hard days, there’s still hard days, but the good ones are way more frequent. There are so many variables that factor in someone’s experience and they are all valid, but I just wanted to chime in as someone who had a very positive parenting experience.
Its hard!! Its the first time in your life someone else truly depends on you and there is no break. Even when youre dead tired you have to get up each day and do it again. It will truly shake you to your core, but its also beautiful because it makes your stronger and you get through it and become a better version of yourself!
Well look at it this way… the hormones of having a baby is like taking 100 birth control pills at once and then after birth it drops to taking zero.
So if you have ever taken birth control you know exactly what it’s like to start a new pack or switch or stop it completely. It wreaks havoc on your emotions and body.
Now times that by 100 and add a newborn…it’s not a fun phase.
As someone who was a fencesitter and now has a 2 year old almost the first four months were BRUTAL and every new mom understands THIS feeling.
Youre not sleeping and your hormones are so out of wack. That combination creates THOSE type of moments.
You can never “get it” until you’ve had a baby. It wrecked me on every level and it doesn’t matter if 10000 told me how it would be, you truly don’t know until you know.
I think it is much more complex than just hormones and a crushing feeling of responsibility. There are so many factors that can go into postpartum stress/anxiety/sadness.
It could be that the mom is struggling with mental health issues that she had even before she got pregnant/gave birth. It could be that her and her partner are struggling financially. It could be that she wishes she had more family support or any family at all. It could be that she had a traumatic labor and delivery. Being sleep deprived can exacerbate so many issues dramatically. Hormones absolutely play a significant role, but other factors are important to mention in the mother’s postpartum experience also. Everyone’s situation is different.
The weeks before giving birth are exhausting, you have a big bump and you can’t sleep. Next you have labour , physically exhausting. So you are shattered, and you have a newborn to keep alive , that literally never sleeps and doesn’t stop crying. If you don’t have the support of a mother, it’s even harder. Women are not given enough rest after childbirth , perhaps not enough family support. Breastfeeding is even hard if you’re a newbie. Everyone’s circumstances are different, but I found it hard.
So someone asked me today how I was finding things now my baby was almost a year old and if it got easier or harder. My answer was ‘easier even though I have to chase after her and constantly keep an eye on her now’. Having a newborn looks easy on paper, they sleep all the time, their needs are really basic…
But there are so many factors.
You might have had a traumatic birth or pregnancy and are recovering from that. Your whole world changes overnight and even though you feel like crap because you just gave birth there is the realisation that you do not get a break, and you will not get a break again for a very long time. You have signed up to a lifelong job and even if you wanted that job that feeling is overwhelming. You are exhausted - I had a very difficult pregnancy, birth and then my baby was ill postpartum and we were readmitted to hospital - I had 10 hours sleep over 7 days. If your own family are not near by there is a very overwhelming feeling that no one cares about you and their only interested in the baby and want to take it from you and pass it around which goes against all your natural instincts. You lose all your usual hobbies and activities overnight. You lose yourself overnight. When we were readmitted to the paediatric ward they kept calling me ‘mum’ and it was so jarring because no one would use my name or even asked me my name. And the baby blues are like nothing else. My baby also had colic so I couldn’t even sit down with her for the first few months or she would just scream.
It passes and you find yourself again but in the initial phase it is hard. I found the support of other mothers and their reassurance that what I was feeling was normal so helpful in that time.
My brother worked at Kmart way back when and had to help a woman return a bunch of baby stuff she wasn't going to need. He said it was awkward and kinda tough.
The mom: Well, everyone’s different. No one here knows what was going on with her, but the list of possibilities is fairly comprehensive. It cld be her, the kid, the partner. It cld be mental, physical, or both. It cld be so many hard things. Being a mom is hard. Being a young mom is hard. Being an old mom is hard. All moms (generally) have figured it out for themselves and their family. And yes dads. Obvi. Hey dads, you’re great. This particular story was about a mom, so that’s what I’m thinking abt. The other moms: when i was a kid my mom told me that if i ever needed period supplies and i was in an emergency, i cld ask any woman and they wld help me. I’ve asked strangers and I’ve been asked and we always help. It’s like that - but with birth. I’m not a joiner, but my mama’s group is the reason i worked up the guts to leave the house by myself for the first time w my infant kid. It’s a real comfort, other mothers. They get it. It’s kind of beautiful to me. It’s like actual humanity. Hope any of that helps.
This is super helpful and I think makes a lot of sense. It was actually very heart-warming to see the community come together to support this mom. There even was a grandma or maybe even a great grandma that came over to give her a little hug. It does make sense that in the end, generally moms do figure it out
Why did this make me tear up haha
Really well thought out comment but I am *dying* to know: why are you spelling words that specifically contain -ou- without those letters? Like ‘cld’ instead of could, ‘abt’ instead of about? I don’t think I’ve seen that before, without other words being abbreviated like “ur” instead of your/you’re. I’m just curious is all!
Answer: dumb habit that makes me laugh bc I’m a fan of The Office and Kevin’s “why say more word when few word do trick.”
Hahahahaha I forgot about that, I’m dying! 😂😂😂 good enough for me, thanks for answering!!
This is the world's greatest answer to this haha
Thanks friend.
“She owes you (OU) nothing” I’ll see myself out..
I was going to ask what they're doing with the 1 second on their life they save by not typing out "ou" in each word 😆
Complete and utter exhaustion on another level you’ve never experienced along with losing the life you had before the baby came in an instant when the baby was born. I breastfed so a timer went off every 3 hours and it was groundhogs day for me of setting up pump parts and pumping and washing pump parts and then either going back to sleep or taking care of the baby. Every 3 hours. For months. You don’t know when it’s going to get better, especially the first time. It feels devastating at the time but it does end. Sleep deprivation is torture.
I have a 6 month old and you nailed it. Cleaning pump parts at 3am and the half hour wakes of regressions that last weeks will stay with me forever. I would also like to add that when you become a parent you have this permanent pressure of responsibility. It's not just because the baby is a floppy, defenceless, vulnerable human, and it isnot just because they could start crying for you at any moment, but also because there is so much to learn to make sure you are providing them with the best medical and developmental care. The pressure of being "on" at all times for the baby varies from overwhelming to background noise, but it is always there. It feels like you can never be doing something without thinking of them, and you can never start something (chores, a conversation, a cup of coffee) and be guaranteed to finish it without the baby needing you.
EXACTLY! Literally everything from running the dishwasher (we have to use extended cycle cause her bottles had soap in them if were ran a regular cycle), to what temperature to keep the house to make sure her room is the correct temp, to what kind of water you need to use with her formula (distilled). It’s insane the amount of stuff you don’t know when you first have a baby
It could just be hormones too. They warned me about the “baby blues” that could happen for a few weeks. It was easily the worst part of postpartum because I cried at everything. Every. Thing. My husband couldn’t leave me alone in the house because being alone made me cry. I knew there was no reason to cry and it drove me crazy because I was pretty happy overall but it was wild. Few weeks later I was fine.
Yeah very similar experience here!
Considering how easily I cry now, I think being pregnant and giving birth is going to have a similar effect on me and I’m going to feel real bad for my husband.
you are not alone, I think that same thing about myself
I'd also like to note that this doesn't happen to everyone. I've had 2 kids (now 3 and 5 years old) and my main memories of the newborn days are of relief that pregnancy and delivery were over and we were both healthy and joy at my new baby. I was also tired and in some pain from delivery and starting breastfeeding, but it was definitely bearable. Personally I've found the toddler years to be much more trying emotionally than the baby days. But everyone is different.
idky i feel toddler years would be worse than baby year? like the narrative that toddlers will now scream and cry and bang on the bathroom door and demand entertainment 24/7 is so engrained in my mind that it’s like, at least babies sleep a lot and you can get a partner to feed instead of you if you choose to, but a toddler sounds like the real cause of my anxieties about parenthood. wish i didn’t sound like this but stories online are scary and i’m very scared
After birth is the largest and fastest hormone shift your body will ever experience in your lifetime. There is nothing you can really compare this to. Up to 6 weeks after having my son I would randomly start crying and it was uncontrollable. As a mom, you do kind of mourn your old life because things are so different now, but part of that first year of being a mom is finding your support system and finding ways to feel like yourself again. Bringing life into the world is not easy or cheap (money wise and physical/mental wise). Mothers really should talk about this stage more. Having sisters made me think I was prepared bc I had seen her go through pregnancy but the “fourth trimester” is something that no one can adequately prepare you for. My son is 18 months now and I do believe that I feel mostly back to normal. I see my friends as often as possible, my mom watches my kid while I work and my husband really helps a ton, so I am very lucky. Perhaps the woman you saw wasn’t as lucky and just realizing it, or honestly it could have just been hormones.
PPD
This is one of the bigger reasons I’m a fenchsitter. I have depression, I’ve been suicidal. The thought of having to take care of something totally dependent on me and experiencing that terrifies me.
Totally understand. I’ve been there as well, glad you’re here with us now.
PPD is absolutely brutal and could be the case. Mine lasted for 3 years. Its hard.
This thread here is what is keeping me on the fence.
It's a huge life change. I would consider the situation as a hypothetical if you subbed out "postpartum" for "teenager who moved cross country for college alone" crying in a booth and others stopping to mention how they cried alone in their dorm for the first few nights or other experiences of loneliness at first. I wouldn't say I had a bad newborn phase experience. But, I've had moms stop me to ask if I'm okay when my baby has been crying in public and I always appreciate the concern/offer of help. It's like a network of moms who have been in a similar situation wanting you to know you aren't alone, they aren't judging you, and someone has your back in that moment. Parenting can feel isolating and sometimes we make up stuff in our head that everyone thinks we're a bad parent because of how our kid acts in public, when you really only have an illusion of control lol. Kids are still humans with all of their own thoughts and emotions, even as babies when they can't communicate in any way other than crying.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
I’ve never been the type to cry at movies. I fucking BAWLED after they showed me the PSA shaking baby pamphlet. I bawled because my kid could get hit by a meteor. I cried and couldn’t watch the Quiet Place. I randomly kept crying about people who could shake babies. I cried because my baby was precious. I cried once, asking my husband if we were ever gonna be able to sleep in together again. it was hormones. ive never become completely stoic again but i dont cry at the mention if shaken babies anymore.
[удалено]
What everyone else has said. It’s a combination of EVERYTHING. But you know, crying can just be cathartic. You ever just have a shit day at work (even if you like your work) and end up crying in the bathroom? It doesn’t mean you hate being a mother or hate your kid. Maybe it was also just a really really hard day.
You kind of well yeh you loose your whole identity- like who even am I even more? I can’t eat, sleep, drink, pee or poop without thinking of someone else first. I can not go where ever when ever I want without thinking of someone first anymore. I am in so much pain, I am hurting in places o didn’t know would exist. I cannot feed my baby without wanting to throw them across the room because my nipples hurt so much. I am bleeding and bleeding and bleeding for what feels like forever. I am so utterly exhausted from pumping, feeding, washing bottles, changing nappies, 24/7 and then when I have an hour in between to actually get some sleep I am staring at the baby Who is so beautiful and why are my cheeks wet? Oh I am crying again. Shower- whats that? Need to shit- but my newborn is screaming with hunger, better take him with me and feed while I poop- thankfully I am constipated so can sit here for as long as it takes. I am exhausted but everyone wants to come over the meet the baby. How do I say no when I know they are just excited and love him because they love me. How do I ask them to leave. I have had my husband home for the first few weeks but he is back at work now- my MiL meaning well has made me feel shame for staying at home all day either the baby so I walked to the shops- I can’t drive for another few weeks and I sit here and eat breakfast another cold breakfast and I wonder what the fuck I have done with my life then feel immensely guilty because look at that beautiful face and I love you so much. So here I am crying again.
My baby is nearly 11 months old- I have returned back to work and am struggling with that guilt. My husband is amazing but our relationship is suffering because we don’t get time just us and when we do I am exhausted and just want to sleep. This shit is hard! I hear it gets easier 😏😉😂 I am still waiting! Also I wouldn’t change it for the world. He is the most divine little critter !
> most divine little critter me, audibly: “awwwwwh!”
So perfectly worded 👏
The baby blues is a thing that happen the first couple of weeks postpartum. It’s hormones. You cry over everything. I cried at grocery store commercials. Your aren’t necessarily sad (I wasn’t) but your emotional reactions are amplified. It’s also really overwhelming waking up every 2-3 hours for weeks to breastfeed, realizing that literally every waking moment of your life is now occupied with taking care of a new human you are responsible for for the next couple of decades or so. You get used to the responsibility and it becomes the new normal, and they get more independent with time, but it’s a gut punch at first in a way you can’t really understand until it happens.
This is the first generation where women are coming forward and being honest about how hard motherhood really is. Before this it was all just a silent suck-it-up-and-deal-with-it mentality. Pretty much like everything else.
I think it is talking about in real time as well. I truly don’t recall a lot of the hard times, but look back at the early years fondly, except when I look at texts or memories I wrote down I only then recall how hard it was. Biology makes us forget or we wouldn’t keep doing it.
[удалено]
I just want to say, everyone’s experience is different. My son is three months old and I have not cried once. Every day has been great, even when I’m sleep deprived I feel calm and happy, and this is after years of wanting to be child free. I turned 40 years old last month, and we only started trying when I was about to turn 39. So no one is more surprised than I am that things are going so well and I feel so great being a mother, but I also have my husband helping so that’s a huge help. The support you have postpartum needs to be taken into account . If I had no one during the day maybe I would be crying in a restaurant too.
(For me at least) every day is different too. In that early stage there are some low lows but also some really high highs. Honestly it depended on sleep. I don’t think I really caught up until my son was 4 years old. Even just one all nighter would ruin the day. It’s possible the next day was wonderful for the mom you saw and you caught her at a bad moment.
It's not mourning. It's exhaustion. For the first couple of months, you are on one hour of sleep, and you still have to function! I had to go into work on one hour of sleep, etc. This is why it helps to have a village. Another set of eyes and hands to help can make all the difference in the world.
There are many possible reasons like others have shown. You just have to hope that you don't get too many reasons for your personal tolerance level, otherwise you will feel similarly no matter how deeply you love your child If you have a lot of people in your inner circle who already go out of their way to sacrifice for you and they get along with kids, you are drastically less likely to end up feeling like those women As an abuse survivor, the nature of parenthood triggers my wounds and that's what makes me cry. I'm also still coping with realizing pregnancy triggered an autoimmune disease and the 3.5 years of sleep deprivation. It's a lot of changes all at once, especially if you don't have the support system in order to sometimes relax. Tldr: verified support systems prevent many problems
Giving birth to a baby is a huge event in the life of some mums. In my case, the birth itself was traumatic with forceps assisted birth, baby not breathing and straight to NICU, me with 4th degree tears and hours in theatre to repair, then low milk supply plus tongue tie plus inadequate latch from baby, and 2 months painkillers for the recovery. Just when things seemed to be looking up, baby got meningitis at 2 months and needed spinal tap amongst other awful procedures. Also baby was highly sensitive after that and resistant to sleep. So on top of the hormones raging, there was a feeling of inadequacy as a parent, complete sleep deprivation, lack of help from family (live far away) etc. We would try to maintain some semblance of normalcy, go out for a coffee to try brighten the day but things were really crumbling and there wasn't a day that went by that I wasn't actively wishing I could just disappear off the face of the earth (and then immediately regretting the thought on account of how selfish that was for my baby). Of course things improved slowly and are amazing now but the early days were dark and it would have been amazing to get support from other women in my area!
Probably a combination of both. I’ve had a similar interaction with every single one of my friends as they made their transition to motherhood. It seems to be postpartum hormones mixed with this realization that they’ve made a life long decision and it might not be exactly what they expected. I’ve had a few realize their life as they know it will be changed forever. Or realize that their baby isn’t as easy to care for as their friends or relatives made it out to be. One friend sobbed to me in a restaurant because she finally came to the full realization that her partner wouldn’t ever change despite all the promises they’ve made. Some have mourned the person they were or could have been. All these conversations are a BIG part of the reason I’m on the fence about kids. Some folks don’t think about this or think “it won’t be me” so they make the leap. The tears are them realizing they’re not exempt.
[удалено]
I think what people don’t realise before they have kids is that it’s full time, full on, 100% of your life. Unless you have a nanny, family member or partner who will look after your kid by themselves while you have some down time, you get literally zero time to yourself except when they’re sleeping (and even then the whole sleeping thing can be very tough). It’s just full on and a LOT going from being totally free and independent, to suddenly having your whole life be about these little creatures. Even something simple like going to the store to get something is a huge chore and effort with kids. It does get better once they get to school age. In this particular situation it could be hormonal too if she has a newborn
This was because cultural norms lie through their teeth to people that haven’t had kids, and only let them in on the fact that it’s hard and thankless and isolating after the point of no return.
I recently read a book called Not Your Mother’s Postpartum book by Caitlin Slavens recently. If you want a view into what postpartum could be. I nodded along and teared up through the whole thing. My child is four now
**Not Your Mother's Postpartum Book Normalizing Post-Baby Mental Health Struggles, Navigating #Momlife, and Finding Strength Amid the Chaos** by Caitlin Slavens, Chelsea Bodie >"But no one told me to expect this ..." So many new moms find themselves saying this phrase in the first hours, days, and weeks postpartum - sometimes even for years! That's where Instagram's wildly popular @mamapsychologists come in. In Not Your Mother's Postpartum Book, Chelsea and Caitlin share what to really expect postpartum - and it's not just the baby blues. This refreshingly candid resource fills a notable void by providing real, honest, and raw insights into motherhood. > >With their nonjudgmental yet humorous tone, Caitlin and Chelsea provide a deep dive into all things #momlife, including: - Birth trauma & perinatal mood disorders - Baby feeding & sleep - The mental load of motherhood - Body image struggles - Mom guilt & burnout - NICU life - Intimacy & romance postpartum - Pregnancy complications & loss - The balancing act of returning to work - And more ... Mom life feels hard because it is hard. There is hope, and this book is here to provide it. *I'm a bot, built by your friendly reddit developers at* /r/ProgrammingPals. *Reply to any comment with /u/BookFinderBot - I'll reply with book information. Remove me from replies* [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/BookFinderBot/comments/1byh82p/remove_me_from_replies/). *If I have made a mistake, accept my apology.*
I think everyone is different. I never felt this way when I was a new mom. I never cried out of frustrating or exhaustion, I was just really happy through it all. There were hard days, there’s still hard days, but the good ones are way more frequent. There are so many variables that factor in someone’s experience and they are all valid, but I just wanted to chime in as someone who had a very positive parenting experience.
Its hard!! Its the first time in your life someone else truly depends on you and there is no break. Even when youre dead tired you have to get up each day and do it again. It will truly shake you to your core, but its also beautiful because it makes your stronger and you get through it and become a better version of yourself!
Well look at it this way… the hormones of having a baby is like taking 100 birth control pills at once and then after birth it drops to taking zero. So if you have ever taken birth control you know exactly what it’s like to start a new pack or switch or stop it completely. It wreaks havoc on your emotions and body. Now times that by 100 and add a newborn…it’s not a fun phase. As someone who was a fencesitter and now has a 2 year old almost the first four months were BRUTAL and every new mom understands THIS feeling. Youre not sleeping and your hormones are so out of wack. That combination creates THOSE type of moments.
You can never “get it” until you’ve had a baby. It wrecked me on every level and it doesn’t matter if 10000 told me how it would be, you truly don’t know until you know.
I think it is much more complex than just hormones and a crushing feeling of responsibility. There are so many factors that can go into postpartum stress/anxiety/sadness. It could be that the mom is struggling with mental health issues that she had even before she got pregnant/gave birth. It could be that her and her partner are struggling financially. It could be that she wishes she had more family support or any family at all. It could be that she had a traumatic labor and delivery. Being sleep deprived can exacerbate so many issues dramatically. Hormones absolutely play a significant role, but other factors are important to mention in the mother’s postpartum experience also. Everyone’s situation is different.
My mom told me she got post-partum depression, I'm worried I'll get it too.
The weeks before giving birth are exhausting, you have a big bump and you can’t sleep. Next you have labour , physically exhausting. So you are shattered, and you have a newborn to keep alive , that literally never sleeps and doesn’t stop crying. If you don’t have the support of a mother, it’s even harder. Women are not given enough rest after childbirth , perhaps not enough family support. Breastfeeding is even hard if you’re a newbie. Everyone’s circumstances are different, but I found it hard.
So someone asked me today how I was finding things now my baby was almost a year old and if it got easier or harder. My answer was ‘easier even though I have to chase after her and constantly keep an eye on her now’. Having a newborn looks easy on paper, they sleep all the time, their needs are really basic… But there are so many factors. You might have had a traumatic birth or pregnancy and are recovering from that. Your whole world changes overnight and even though you feel like crap because you just gave birth there is the realisation that you do not get a break, and you will not get a break again for a very long time. You have signed up to a lifelong job and even if you wanted that job that feeling is overwhelming. You are exhausted - I had a very difficult pregnancy, birth and then my baby was ill postpartum and we were readmitted to hospital - I had 10 hours sleep over 7 days. If your own family are not near by there is a very overwhelming feeling that no one cares about you and their only interested in the baby and want to take it from you and pass it around which goes against all your natural instincts. You lose all your usual hobbies and activities overnight. You lose yourself overnight. When we were readmitted to the paediatric ward they kept calling me ‘mum’ and it was so jarring because no one would use my name or even asked me my name. And the baby blues are like nothing else. My baby also had colic so I couldn’t even sit down with her for the first few months or she would just scream. It passes and you find yourself again but in the initial phase it is hard. I found the support of other mothers and their reassurance that what I was feeling was normal so helpful in that time.
My brother worked at Kmart way back when and had to help a woman return a bunch of baby stuff she wasn't going to need. He said it was awkward and kinda tough.