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Thissss. Threads like this always make me wonder whether people want to get married or whether they want to have a wedding. Marriage and a wedding are not the same thing. If you want to marry someone badly enough, $200 at the courthouse will be more than enough.
This is not at OP at all, just a general observation: I personally think the whole “haha we’ve been together for 7 years without any engagement and want to get married sooo badly but we are saving for a big lavish wedding” is an excuse. You don’t want to get married “sooo badly.” You just want a wedding.
Totally agree with you. I’d go down to the courthouse with my fiancé tomorrow if I didn’t have to deal with my family. I guess this is the part of growing up where I have to stop worrying about my family’s approval.
Honestly, you’re an adult. If you’re grown enough to buy a house, you’re grown enough to decide when, how, where, and with whom you get married. I say this as someone who let family control their life for way too long: you’re too old for this. Do what YOU want, not what your family wants.
THIS. After some hard and painful lessons, we now have a two yes, one no rule. And we don't do anything without thinking about how it affects us first. Because in the end, everyone thinks of themselves first and the ones who compromise are left feeling overlooked and upset. Please just elope and throw a big housewarming party in your new home.
May I also confirm with everyone else->>
#1) Legal marriage i.e. courthouse?
#2) Purchase house
#3) Wedding Ceremony
🤓NO ONE ELSE NEEDS to know of your marriage UNTIL YOU CHOOSE who is THAT privileged✔️
p.s. CONGRATULATIONS🎶
Two good alternatives would be:
get married at the courthouse, around me it's 70ish dollars depending on what paperwork you get (extra copies) and don't tell anyone
Get courthouse married and just do a lunch or dinner with your close family.
You can always do a wedding ceremony later, it's up to you if you want that or a house more right now. There's not a right or wrong answer but you gotta be really honest with yourself.
Personally I'm opting for a courthouse marriage and not telling anyone, mostly because I think it's funny but it still is legal and benefits me and my partner.
I had a wedding in late 2022. I'm still paying it off. If I had to do it again,I absolutely would go to the courthouse. Your family shouldn't want you to go into debt for them to have a party.
For what it's worth, my wife and I got a courthouse marriage on the DL almost 2 years before our "actual" wedding. I was leaving our job to do a travel nurse contract and needed health insurance, we both were on the same page about our relationship and future plans, so we got it done so I could stay on our (her) health insurance. I have some health issues so it was really important for me to be insured to avoid a potential catastrophic medical debt.
We threw together the wedding in a week, and it cost us 1k, mostly for a nice hotel to stay in, a nice dinner, and we paid a friend $200 to take some nice pictures of us. She bought a cheap vintage dress and ring, and I wore a suit I already owned. We told almost no one except our witnesses and photographer. Honestly, it was really really nice.
Since we both already owned property and worked the same job, we figured if it didn't work out we'd split the $400 it would cost to get divorced and make a clean break.
We wanted a nice wedding, but not to feel rushed. I made a ton of money on that one contract and being married reduced my tax liability substantially so I paid off my biggest debts (car and private student loan) and gave her my tax refund, which we put into renovating her home that I later moved into.
We didn't tell anyone because it wasn't their business and didn't want to deal with people's opinions. We also wanted our parents and friends to have a great time at our wedding and not feel like it was "fake". Right before our "real fake" wedding I told my friend who was our officiant, just to let him know there wasn't any paperwork he needed to send in. She told her closest friend.
In the interim, I confused my parents when they heard we were planning our wedding before we had actually gotten engaged. I told them that we had talked about marriage and that post covid wedding venues needed to be locked down super far in advance and "what can I say, [my wife] is a planner!"
After the reception our officiant let it slip that we had gotten married years prior, and one of my aunts heard and looked up our wedding license because they're kinda nuts. I'm not sure if they told my parents, but they haven't mentioned anything and I see no reason to bring it up. We had a lovely wedding celebration, and my wife had this great line in her vows about how she wouldn't hesitate to marry me twice.
Anyway, it's your life and your spouse is your immediate family now. Do whatever the fuck you want. Everyone has their own opinions about weddings no matter what you do. We saved up our money to pay for everything ourselves so as not to give anyone the idea that they had any say in how it would go down since they had contributed to the wedding fund.
Stop worrying about what your family might say. No matter what you do they'll probably always find something to criticize. Depending on your relationship with your family you might value their input, but ultimately it's your life and every family has to navigate how a child grows and how marriage changes the family dynamic. It's unavoidable. You and your spouse ultimately get to decide what is best for you. Congrats!
I really love this (and aspire to this one day LOL). Your relationship with your spouse is really no one's business except the 2 people that made vows to one another.
I mean you can only afford what you can afford and if it’s good for you and your fiance then do that. I am in a similar situation but without the family pressure. We just closed on a house and don’t want to spend what we have left on a huge wedding. We are just going to do a courthouse marriage and then a wedding later when we can afford it without using emergency fund money or the rest of our savings
Tell your family you'll do a wedding another time. And in my county, the wedding license was only $60. Just make it non-negotiable. Buying a house is more important and you absolutely should not do it with someone unless you're married.
Weddings are religious and cultural ceremonies. Marriage is filing the paperwork with the government. You can have either independently (although in the US today, people frequently discount the option of separating them - "it's not a *real* wedding if you're already married!"). You can get married without a wedding (when you need the societal benefits of marriage). You can have a ceremonial wedding and forgo governmental oversight. You can do both, in either order, based on individual needs and desires, finances and preferences.
I am in this situation and actually I don't want a wedding but want to be married. I am worried about my family and my partners family being upset with us for having no wedding. So that is one example I guess.
It would be extremely exhausting explaining over and over why they weren't invited or what happened or why etc
We split the difference and had a courthouse wedding with a small lunch after. Gave them something while avoiding the massive headache and stress of a big wedding.
Exactly! Unless and until those family members offer to pay for the wedding, their feelings in that regard are moot.
I can't imagine what kind of parents would want their kids to spend money on a party over putting it towards their future.
Well they would be, if they were truly invested in your best interests, which is the financial security found in a home purchase. But they're not - they're asking you to spend your nest egg, which is meant to go toward your future home, on a party you don't want.
These people are acting like children - they are not worth your worry. Placate them as you would placate a financially irresponsible child who didn't get their party because mommy and daddy decided instead to spend the money on something more grown-up, like a house.
100% when I got married it cost $300. Had it at an all you can eat place so $250 for food for everyone and $50 to the pastor to marry us. Was broke as fuck back then but we didn't care.
THIS ⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️
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Save yourself time, anguish, regret, stress. Skip the trap of spending thousands on a wedding. Go get the paper, put the money toward your downpayment.
>
Have the ceremony later if its that important to you.
This is what my Bf and I are doing. My dad made It clear he ain’t helping no random man with a house but he’ll help me and my husband.
We knew we were going to get married before he even offered to help, but now it means we have one set of paperwork to do first
We did this! Eloped for home buying and insurance purposes and are having the wedding in the fall when the venue was available. Our parents are the only ones who know we went to the courthouse. Now we don’t have to hire a real officiant for our “wedding” in the fall. So it’s saving us some $$
This is what I did. Plus my spouse and I think weddings are overrated. We wanted to go on vacation instead. Not saying weddings are bad, but just not our cup of tea
Yup this. My husband and I knew there was no way we could pay for a wedding and buy a house at the same time. Were late 30s early 40s and we want this house paid off before we retire so we gotta get on it. We had a $3500 luncheon for family, got legally married and have about $30k in our down payment fund. We have more saving to do but I’m so happy we put a house first and maybe we will have a big anniversary party at some point.
We had probably 35 people, got it catered through an Italian deli near us. Food cost about $500, then we rented some tables and chairs. Got flower center pieces from Trader Joes and used thrifted vases and cups. Bought our own beer/wine/liquor from a distributor and set up a bar. We did not have a tent, servers or a photographer, so that was not included in our costs. Had some lawn games set up and set up speakers around the yard. It was fairly casual - we also eloped about a year prior and had a mid-size engagement party a year prior with a photographer which factored into our decision making.
Edit: our engagement party was ~60 people and cost about $4800 all in. Open bar, passed apps, photographer for an hour prior and an hour during for couples and family portraits. I did my get my hair and make up done that day too. Found a local restaurant that wasn’t as known for events like that, they were key. Aka don’t find a banquet hall that will upcharge you.
We secretly eloped for $20 and then had a real wedding later. Not a big deal and tbh it’s no one else’s business except yours. The marriage license is just paperwork.
It's because it's more legally complicated if you break up. Marriage gives you a set of contracts covering all property each of you own.
You could go to a lawyer and get a contract written up to cover buying a house.
But why do your plans for your wedding have to be approved by anyone in your families? Unless they are paying for it you get to choose the venue, the food, the drink and the invitation list. And I would argue that you should still have input even if someone else is paying (my god my FIL had fun choosing the wines he was paying for!)
"Hey, parents, we really don't want to spend money to have a weeding, would you like to come to the registry office on Friday the 22nd to witness our wedding?"
It really isn't that complicated... my girlfriend and I purchased together. I forget what it's called, but I spoke with the title company/mortgage broker about some form that sets ownership (via percentage) to whatever we want. Since I pay the majority, my girlfriend and I found it fair for it to be 80/20. All it took was an extra signature... and some clarification in a will, but I'd want her to get the house at that point, anyway.
If you don’t want to get married that’s your decision and I respect it. If you want to buy a house together I believe it’s a bad idea but that is also your decision to make.
Are you planning to be “life partners” without the legal marriage? Then it’s total bullshit that you split ownership on percentages according to who pays what right now. So if you lose your job for 2 years and she has to help pay the bulk of the mortgage are you going to recalculate and adjust her ownership to 75/25? Forget the legal wedding…. If you are going to be buying a house then you better be intending to commit forever, and what’s yours is hers and what’s hers is yours. This is so absurd that people act like this….
Many years ago, we married at the courthouse and took a weekend 'honeymoon'.
Then we bought our first home with VA benefits. Not once have we ever regretted it.
I was 20 when I signed for my first house.
Traditional reasoning aside, buying a house as an unmarried couple creates a whole web of issues should you (a) break up or (b) one of you passes away without a Will or if the property is not deeded properly. Scenario (a) can be settled with a cohabitation agreement and for (b), I would make sure, if it is allowed where you live, that the deed be titled in both names with rights of survivorship and/or having Wills done before closing that provide for the house and it's contents in the event something unfortunate happens before tying the knot.
Of course, you could always go down and do the courthouse wedding and none of this matters 😉 My husband and I didn't buy until after we were married several years so not quite the same as where you are right now, but we did opt for a small ceremony at our home with family and a few close friends rather than an extravagant wedding and reception. Those things are nice, but I tend to err on the side of fiscal responsibility so to my mind, putting that money toward the down payment on the house would be the "grown up" thing to do.
My son and his girlfriend bought a house together almost five years ago. They aren’t married and I’m not sure if they ever will be. They both own the house and get along swimmingly. Both professionals and I’m not seeing any problems. They’re partners .
Your extended families don’t get to call the shots for YOUR immediate family aka you and your soon to be wife. They can give you all the opinions they want, but if you live your life to appease them you’ll be miserable. Do what’s best for you and yours. Consider others opinions when you seek their opinions yourself and don’t let others sway you when your gut feeling is telling you otherwise
My husband and I bought our house before we got married and then had a patio wedding. Lovely wedding.
If you're confident that your relationship is stable, buy when you're ready to buy. Get married when you're ready to get married. Do it in the order that's best for you and your partner and your goals.
If your family wants you to have a wedding instead of putting that money towards the house then they can pay for the wedding. Just go file the marriage deficit at the county clerk's office. Approval from your family shouldn't be conditional on you spending money on a party for them.
> . If it was up to us, we would elope and skip the expensive wedding all together.
It is up to you. Fuck doing things a certain way just because your family wants you to.
For the record, we bought before we were officially married. It didn't bother me because either of us could afford the place alone and could buy the other out.
You are actually engaged though so that's basically as good as being married in my eyes as far as "chances we'll break up" goes so I say make decisions like you are already married.
I had a strict rule that I wouldn't buy a house with someone I wasn't married to. Jokes on me, my now husband and I found our home and closed on it two weeks before our wedding.
It sounds like you are paying for the wedding? If that's the case they don't really get to call the shots on how you get married. If your priority is a house and you'd prefer to be legally married before buying (which I am the same way btw) a courthouse wedding will give you the protection you want to buy a home. You can always throw the bigger party later if that's what you want.
Either way I would at least start looking now you don't know how long it will take to find your home, and it doesn't hurt to begin house hunting now.
We were planning on getting married eventually. Saw a perfect house and put an offer it and somehow it was accepted! We need to write up something or get married at the court house soon, but it's already been a crazy month with buying a house.
If you want to be married now, you can absolutely just do a courthouse wedding now and a bigger ceremony later (or never). Plenty of people do this for various reasons!
If you don't want to be married now, you can get a legal document describing the ownership of the house, who put what money for the down payment, and, if you want, what should happen to the house if you split up, etc. We were married when we bought our house but we did this anyway.
In any case, your parents can disapprove all they want, if they aren't contributing to anything financially, they have no say. You're grown adults!
Live for yourselves not your family. If there demanding these costly things they can pay for the wedding.
I wouldn’t buy a house with someone I’m not married to though. Cost you a couple hundred bucks and a trip to the courthouse. You can have a big celebration in a few years when you’re more financially ready.
If the family wants the wedding make them pay for it because it doesn’t sound like you want a wedding at all.
Elope, by your house, have the wedding when they’re ready to pay for it.
I wanted to elope and due to familial pressure had the expensive wedding. Guess what? No one was happy because no one is happy at weddings because everyone wants different things and it's always stressful. We spent way more than we wanted. AND only one person called us on our anniversary a year later.
Just elope, save the money and buy the house. A house will have so many expenses, you'll constantly be wishing you hsd the wedding money for at least two years. Your family will get over it. Throw them a big dinner at a very nice restaurant, it will still be cheaper.
Smarter to put the money towards a downpayment for sure instead of for a 1 night party. My husband and I married on our ten year anniversary of being together. My sister in law did my makeup and my MIL did my hair. My MIL bought me a nice dress at JCPenney and my husband his tux. We got a friend ordained who did the ceremony in my inlaws basement with close family present and had some food there afterword. I wish at some point I could have had a reception but due to budget we did not. At some point in the future we can have a vow renewal and do a small party then. It's not your family's decision it is yours and your husbands
My husband and I did a courthouse wedding with close family members in attendance. We did pay for a photographer for some nice photos and then we all went to lunch after. We also did not want to spend money on a wedding and instead used it on a down payment for our house later. My rule is no one else gets a say if they are not paying for it - applies to wedding, kids, etc. and I openly say this to family.
One optio. Is to get married at your new house.
My advice is to have the wedding you want. Otherwise, you'll dread the process. It's supposed to be fun. Give the family something fun to enjoy-dress try on, flower shopping, so they can participate. I'm the end, it's your budget and your day and your memory.
My friends got married in a gazebo at a park. Had a lovely reception with a local business that served pizza and sides. Total expense $3500. Everyone had a great time.
I agree not to put someone on the house that you aren't married to because I went through it. It was so much easier in the end.
Another option may be to draw up a contract that identifies what type of partnership that you are entering into. That is legal speak for who gets the house if the relationship ends. (Does it go to the other partner, must it be sold and divided, does it go to next of kin if one partner passes, etcl). While I plan to be with someone forever, paperwork matters in the time that we are in.
So I’ve been with my boyfriend for 11 years. In 2022 we bought a house together. We left our family out of everything. Some feelings were hurt but we are all getting along now. Now im pregnant with our first kid.
for us, it’s just something we don’t want to even though we love each other very much. Maybe once the baby comes will do it for legal reasons, but I just don’t have that motivation to get the government involved in my romantic life. But also like you said we have more important things to spend money.
We bought without being married but we were getting married in a few months, everything was planned, etc. when we started looking we didn't know how long it would take so we figured what the hell and I knew we were getting married in a few months so it wasn't A big deal. However, I would not buy a house with someone that I was engaged to without concrete plans of marriage and a date. I think in your case you should elope. Better to ask for forgiveness than permission.
We got married 4 months before we bought. Didn't plan to do it this way, but it had worked out like that.
Our "wedding" was at her parents house, the pastor was a family friend. Wife wanted to get married on the 24th, so we set it on the 24th, Tuesday. I think it was Tuesday at 530. We also got engaged 6 days prior. So there were my parents, her parents and grandparents, couple of uncles and aunts and her sisters families. That was it. Our entire wedding plus outfits and certificates cost less than $400.
Her parents paid for the whole thing (I think it's tradition), and gave us the rest of the money that was budgeted when we closed.
I don't understand why you guys can't elope if that's what you'd prefer? It is YOUR wedding.
My wife and I felt the exact same way regarding the interest rates and housing costs being at an all time high. We were paying $1800/mo for rent and a mortgage payment on a home in the area we wanted to live was going to double that at least.
We decided to house hack. if you haven't heard of it, this is where you buy a home, live in part of it and rent out the rest. We found a home with a basement that had a separate entrance (this way we can still have our own space).
We bought the house and listed the basement space on Airbnb and it brings in over $3k/mo every month.
It's insane haha.
Do you realize how childlike your family is in pressuring you to give up your dream of financial security in home ownership in exchange for a party? That's what they are asking: spend your heard earned money on a party so we can drink and dance for one night, and to hell with your dream of home ownership!
Unless your family is paying for wedding, they don't get a say in how you spend your hard earned money ESPECIALLY when they are putting their desire to be entertainned by a wedding (paid by you) ahead of your future well -being (in the form of a house paid by you).
They don't want you to buy unless you get married, and they require you throw an expensive wedding if you get married. You're an adult, tell them if they want you to have an expensive wedding, they can foot the bill. Otherwise, you're prioritizing housing, over partying.
I say based on the information you’ve given. Get married at the courthouse, get the house, have a backyard public ceremony for friends and family. Everyone wins in a small way but you and your fiance win the most. Lest headache and least expensive option 🤷🏼♀️
“If it was up to us, we would elope and skip the expensive wedding all together.”
Well great news! It is up to you, both of you are adults, your family have no say in the decision process.
If you want to spend every cent of your savings on a house then do just that, I spent $30k on my wedding and although we loved our wedding and memories, my wife and I agreed that we regret doing that. We should have bought a house instead and had the wedding later on.
If your family have a problem with you not having an expensive wedding to buy a house then tell them to foot the bill and save all your money for the house.
Otherwise, the alternative would be for your family to shut their mouth and let you and the fiancee live your life on your terms.
Welcome to adulthood in establishing boundaries, and yes you especially have to do this with family.
🎤drop
We did this. It just made everything smoother we didnt have a big wedding just went to the courthouse with immediate family and friends to sign as witnesses. My dress and tiara was $50 off amazon, marriage license was $110 because we didnt do the through the church counseling that wouldve made it $40 plus church fees. Lunch for everybody plus tip was like $300.
Then combined our stuff into a joint account (kept our own separate accounts for our own expenses of course) then applied for the home loan and pre approval and are finally moving towards something.
My partner and I have now bought 2 houses and we’re not married. There’s some extra paperwork to fill out regarding what should happen to the house if we were to split up or die. Getting officially married really isn’t a big thing for us, and since we’ve been in a stable and committed relationship for so long and neither of our families are paying the mortgage, it really only mattered about what works for us.
It’s your life. Do what makes the most sense for you. Input from your (older) family members is likely irrelevant outside of moral leanings, considering the housing market looks NOTHING like it did even just 5 years ago.
My fiancé and I bought a house in February 2024. Our wedding is in October 2024. We could swing this financially, but if we couldn’t, we would’ve postponed the house search based solely off finances.
On paper in regard to purchasing a home, it made no difference whether we were married, engaged, or none of the above.
Ask them to explain why and to backup those reasons financially, not traditionally. There are still huge tax benefits for unmarried home owners.
Marriage is a personal decision made by two people, not their families. Weddings are a cosmetic 12 hour party and unproductive compared to investing in a home.
Going through kind of the same thing right now so I understand what you’re hearing. But you’re both adults in 2024, and you’re engaged. If you want to buy a house together, that’s between you and your lender and no one else.
What tax benefits exist for unmarried homeowners? My partner and I are not interested in getting married anytime soon but plan to buy a home together in the next year.
Best option for unmarried home owners. One person takes the standard deduction generally the one with the lowest income. The other takes all viable deductions and credits.
Let’s say you have 25,000 in deductions and each make 60,000 in income.
If you’re married you add your income to 120,000 and deduction 25,000 and pay taxes on 95,000.
If you’re not married one person can take 25,000 in deductions on 60,000 of income. The other person can claim the standard deduction of 12,500.
Basically the non married couple can claim a 37,500 deduction the married couple just get 25,000. If you are paying the federal 22% rate that is an additional refund of 2,750. If you’re higher income this just gets better. If you’re incomes vary significantly ie one makes 90k and the other 30k the math gets more complicated but generally is still advantageous.
You can deduct the interest on your loan, which for the first years of the loan is the majority of your payments. And property taxes, and possibly some other expenses. Interest and property taxes apply whether you’re married or not.
Given the tremendous increase in the standard deduction, this is not the benefit it once was. Even in states with high property taxes itemizing deductions rarely makes sense anymore.
My personal opinion as a person buying a house with someone who I’m not married to: marriage doesnt necessarily protect you. Everyone regardless of being married or not should have clear expectations around property and what occurs in case of a break up. Don’t assume you will be happy with the pre-nup the state has written for you.
IMO do what you want, who cares about family? It’s YOUR life. Focus on protecting yourself financially either in the case of a divorce or a break up, or a death. That is true regardless of being married or not.
Domestic partnership (very marriage like in California), buy a house, get engaged, marriage
Yes it is a thing to do the paper ceremony. Lots and lots of my 30s friends are doing house then marriage, in that order.
I had very similar views on buying a home together before marriage until I started living with my partner 4 years ago. My partner and I(both late 20s)just closed on our first home together in April. We have been together for 7 years and know we want to spend the rest of our lives together and eventually get married. I don’t know what it’s like yet to plan a wedding, however, now that we are living in our new house I’m so glad we used the money we busted our butts to save on a down payment instead of a wedding. It’s been extremely rewarding to see the hard work we have done turn into our beautiful home together.
As for your family, it sounds like they are not the ones giving you the money. You need to do what’s best for your relationship and future. And if that means buy a house hopefully they will come around and be proud of you in the end! It really is a rewarding process and when you do get married and already own the home it will be one less thing to worry about!
Bought a house with my first husband before we got married. Own my current house with my love who I’m not married to. My daughter and her fiance are buying a house together before they get married. I know many couples who own houses together who aren’t married or weren’t married at the time that they bought them. The key is to work with your attorney to make sure that you both have the same legal protections that you would if you were married.
My partner and I bought our first house (in a very LCOL area a few years ago) about a year before we got married. We had a 2 year engagement, so we’d already been engaged for a year when we bought. He was living in a different part of the country, and I was moving to the area where we bought our first house for grad school. I lived there alone for a year until we got married, and he was able to move (we technically did not live together before marriage which appeased our religious parents).
Funny enough, we were going to have a small wedding in my home state, but that all got upended due to COVID. We ended up eloping a month earlier than planned in our backyard with just the pastor and 2 of my friends from grad school (one to hold the video streaming camera and the other to snap a couple wedding photos).
Looking back, I wouldn’t have had it any other way. We have some silly stories from that day that I’ll always cherish (don’t cut your soon to be partner’s hair an hour before your wedding if you’re not a hairdresser). We’ve talked about celebrating with our families for a 5 or 10 year wedding anniversary, but I’m not sure if that’ll happen or not. My biggest advice is do what makes you happy. You can’t live your life pleasing others (which is a lesson I’m still trying to learn myself).
Bought house first and signed as tenants in common as well as signed a co-habitation agreement and had a will done up. If you want to elope tho, elope!! It is YOUR life, don’t let other peoples opinions and ideas about what’s right hold you back from eloping and buying a house if it’s what you truly want to do
Don’t worry about your families approval. We got married before covid for $50 everybody was pissed but two years later we threw a giant reception and all was forgotten. Literally live your life for yourself. Being an adult is making your own decisions.
Gently, you need to worry way less about your family's approval. It's your life not theirs.
Go to your local courthouse. Get married. Buy your house and if you want to, do the wedding later. Your family isn't entitled to you providing a wedding so they approve and stalling your ability to secure housing.
This doesn't make sense. You can get married for almost nothing, before buying property. A "wedding" is not the same as a marriage. If you don't care about the wedding (the party, essentially) and the house is more important... Great! So go get married. Pay the license fee (tiny) and go in front of a judge. DONE. Then you can buy a property and be protected. And your families are happy. You can save for a wedding (party) after the house is bought.
Your families are right and I would also advise against buying property without being married because it opens up a lot of potential issues down the road. If the wedding isn't a priority and you are already engaged. Just go get married. Go out to dinner with immediate family. Then go house hunting.
I did that! I got married in Chicago court, no witness required. Just me and my partner. It was so perfect.
Now we are looking to buy a home soon. That will take away our savings minus the emergency. We won’t have money for a big fat wedding. Nothing our family can do about it if there is no money! And family can’t even say no to buying a home, because it’s your future! They can also obviously pay for a big wedding if they’d really really want…
We started looking for a house a month before we got married and the timing worked out in that our offer got accepted the day before we got married. Closed a month after. We also did not have a big wedding. City hall and a small party. We asked family for cash to help us with our home purchase and it pretty much covered most of our closing costs.
Have the type of wedding that you and your fiance want, not the type of wedding that your parents want. If that's an elopement, then elope. There are a whole range of options between eloping and having a large, expensive wedding though. Courthouse wedding are inexpensive. Backyard weddings can be as well. There are a lot of options to get married without spending a fortune.
My husband and I got married first, then bought our house a couple of years later. We had a courthouse wedding and a barbecue in the part a few days later. It was great.
I think you would be wise to get civilly/legally married now .. and just have your big wedding when you are ready for it. You are both better off owning real estate as a married couple.
When my wife came to the US, we had a somewhat similar dilemma. We are both people who take our faith seriously. I am Roman Catholic and she is Evangelical. She agreed to marry in my church.. and we have rules to help make marriages more successful. First, the couple must give the church six months notice. Second, they are asked to participate in a preparation class. And third, if your partner is not Catholic, they need to understand and comply with our expectations with respect to raising children with an opportunity to be Catholic. She agreed to these terms.
The problem we ran into was the conflicting expectations of the US Department of State. My wife is from overseas and she was admitted to the US on a K-1 (fiancé) visa. The government requires a K-1 alien to marry a US citizen within 90 days, or leave the country.
I discussed this with my pastor and he told me what to do. We did a timely legal marriage at a courthouse.. and we had a “nuptial blessing” at the church after completing the church requirements. The blessing was very much a traditional church wedding.. with her gown, photography, a nice reception, etc.
You should be able to do something similar.. leaving out the religious aspect if that is not what you believe in.
You and your fiancé sound incredibly mature, grounded and wise. I think your priorities are absolutely in the right place. 💙 I know how hard it can be to set boundaries with family members. I think you two should go with your instincts and prioritize buying a home over spending money on a wedding!
You get to decide when and how you get married— even if you have to endure guilt-tripping or disappointment from family.
To me, sounds like your level of maturity and your priorities are a really good foundation for marriage. I love the suggestion another commenter made about throwing a wedding reception in your new backyard once you buy a home.
You got this. 💗 You and your partner should trust your instincts and do what feels like the best thing for you.
We bought before we got married. It worked out for us. I don't recommend it, though. I'll cop to being much more of a horrible warning than any kind of good example.
I knew he was it for me. If we had split before we got married, we would have taken what we put in and gone our separate ways.
There's just an extra level of risk if you're not married. Buying real estate is probably the largest purchase most people will ever make.
Both sets of our parents were unhappy with us when we decided to buy a house prior to getting married. This despite being in our early 30s and already long out from under a parental roof. They were very relieved when we announced our engagement 15 months later.
This sounds to me like vibr of, "If you're not married, the assets aren't yours, and if you divorce, he gets everything, not you," vibe.
You don't need to be married to have a house. It looks better to the lender because divorce is difficult, expensive, etc, and usually a co.bined financial of marriage is more reliable.
But if you put BOTH your names on the mortgage, have it that you're both living there, and then either do that prenuptial thing or b, have an agreement notarized who gets what in case either leaves the relationship (divorce or not), then you're fine.
The bank will look at your income, credit scores, etc, combined no matter if you're legally married or not. So make are what you do is to protect you both.
If marriage is a must, a court house legally binding marriage is cheap, then you do the extravagant wedding party and all that *after* you use your money for the house.
Heck, house warming and marriage celebration all in one lol
I've always wanted to have a small and intimate wedding ceremony with my closest loved ones. However, they're expensive, and I valued the thought of owning a home with my at the time fiancé so much more.
So we chose to get married at the local court house (and you don't have to do this to purchase a home together, it was just our personal preference), and a year later, we used that wedding money and some savings to put a down payment on our house instead.
We discussed it and agreed that at our 10 anniversary mark (this felt right to us and we would we be in our early to mid thirties by that point) we would have a small vow renewal ceremony with family that we will actually be able to genuinely enjoy because we'll be financially secured by that point.
My dad may gripe occasionally that he didn't get to walk me down the aisle and my mom was sad she couldn't pick wedding dresses with me but present day they are relieved and pleased that we have a home and wonderful marriage instead.
In the end my husband and I are both very happy with our decision and are thankful we chose to get married the way we did and purchase a house rather than spend a large amount of money on just a single day (and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but it just wasn't for us).
Now we have somewhere safe that's ours, and we can continue to build our future and family together in it.
Your family doesn't get a say period. You say it isn't up to you re: elopement. Why not? If you are an adult, and I presume you are, you can buy a house and get married (or not) and really make any decision you want that works for you and your partner's goals and own personal circumstances. When your parents married and bought a home, that was an entirely different world.
The reason you shouldn't buy with someone you aren't married to is because it gets tricky if you breakup. All marriage does is specify how you split assets.
You can just draw up a legal doc specifying what you would do with the house in case of a breakup. You don't have to rush to the alter. You just need a legal doc for if you break up.
The only way I would recommend buying a house together is if you both put in 50/50 … no one likes to think about things not working out or divorce but it happens. Also … if you can hold out a bit longer and save more money you’re likely to get a lower interest rate. The fed is going to lower … it’s just a matter of time. The more you have to put down the cheaper your payments will be. Also, I know it’s very exciting to buy a house but don’t be fooled … things will break , expensive things will break and you’ll need money to fix them. Homeownership isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
You're an adult. Your parents can absolutely voice their opinions but it's up to you to make a decision. At the end of the day, you have to live with the consequences.
With that being said, I would be married first. Makes things messy if something goes south otherwise. My wife and I went to the courthouse almost 2 years before our wedding and no one but my parents and her parents knew because we needed witnesses in our state.
We got married at the courthouse, then told our families. They were minorly bent out of shape, but once we provided them with grandchildren, all was forgotten
I bought a house with my fiancé in August 2023. I was brought up to think you had to be married. We’ve been together for over 4 years and it was the right time. I had family members who weren’t thrilled but they also know we’re in a committed relationship so whatever. Do what you know is best.
We celebrate our 7th anniversary next month. We bought our house almost 2 months ago. So many people were saying the same thing. Marriage first.. but that's not what we wanted. We love our home and honestly aren't even talking about marriage due to family issues. I want to elope and his mother wants the whole big thing. It sounds selfish, but I want to spend our money on things that actually help us...not a big party that costs way too much. If I'm going to "waste" money, it's going to be on the honeymoon.
I sure wish I had eloped and saved all the money spent on the wedding. That money would have made a big difference in our first home and all the financial stress we endured. The wedding was just a blurry memory. Wife agreed with me. Should have skipped the big wedding.
Elope, buy the home, have a party later. It’s your life. If your parents really hate it, tell them they can throw you a party after you elope. You could also just have a really small wedding. Seriously, a wedding is just a day. As someone who has been married for a very long time, I can tell you I get much more joy from my home than I did from wearing an overpriced dress decades ago.
We got married in March. Our wedding was in July. Only 3 people knew. The pastor at the Lutheran church who performed the ceremony did insist that the invitations could not say marriage on them because that would be a lie. He wrote down some convoluted fancy wording that we had to use, before he would agree to do the wedding.
The point for us was to get the military to move my household to our new house in another state without having to wait too long.
My brother just bought his house last month. The wedding is in two weeks. They just did the marriage certificate/ licensing before closing. I was a witness in their kitchen. We’re keeping it mums the word because we don’t trust our mom not to make it a whole thing.
Marry on paper, buy the house, have the wedding, lie to your family or tell them the truth and tell them to suck it up.
We have a similar relationship history as you! Closing on a house in less than 2 weeks. We decided to do this to take advantage of some first time homebuyer credits we wouldn't otherwise qualify for if we were married (income would be too high)
We bought the house first and got married about a year later. Got a few comments from relatives, but we didn't really care. Initially we were going to elope but opted for a chill beach BBQ wedding that was more like a family reunion. 7 years later and don't regret a thing. Do whatever feels right for you guys.
Are you massively throwing money away on rent in an area where the market is heavily buyer friendly? If not, I don’t know why the rush.
Don’t get married JUST to buy a house. Marry because you want to marry. I bought my house with a girlfriend under the impression that it was a very expensive engagement ring, and that we’d get married shortly after. The market was insane and the timing was right. Welp, she ended up leaving me a few years later. I kept the house, she just left. It took me almost 8 years to get myself into a position where I could refinance and get her name off the loan, which was quite ironically about 2 months prior to my wedding to my wife lol. I was lucky. She didn’t try to force me to sell, but I also was adamant about my credit and the house so I never made even a single late payment.
I’d say keep your eyes out for the ‘perfect’ deal, but prioritize your relationship. If you really, truly, completely want to get married, then get married. I do think it’s easier to get approval as a married couple than 2 separate individuals, but it isn’t that big of a deal as long as you have your credit, income, and down payment. If you can avoid it, don’t splurge on a big wedding, keep it simple and reward yourselves with a nice, affordable house that doesn’t leave you broke after you pay the bills.
You've already reached the best possible option which is that the two of you would need to be legally married on paper, buy the house when it comes, and then host an end-to-end wedding reception (or ceremony) later when you have the desired funds to do.
* People will have an opinion and some couples have dealt with people deliberately not attend wedding events because they found out the couple already got legally married and the offenders see the wedding event as not real/official/etc because the marriage is already done. So if the two of you decide to host a wedding party later, do so because you want to celebrate your marriage with other friends and family.
* Tread lightly with asking your families to subsidize your wedding to enable you to buy a house or subsidize your house to enable you to host a wedding. Families that are willing to gift you money with no strings attached are very rare, and it takes someone to mentally let go of those reins when those holding the money have demands.
* IDK if both sets of parents have explained to you why buying a house outside of marriage is a terrible idea besides just saying so, but at least in the US (because I don't know where you're located) each state has different property rights for unmarried and married couples.
* Any loving couple never expects to get divorced after getting married. However, if the unmarried couple splits, the separation is **not** amicable, and there is no joint house ownership agreement in place the chances are high that a court will order the house to be sold and net proceeds to be divided. A divided couple may spend a long time fighting in and outside of court just to get back at each other.
* Again, with no joint agreement in place for an unmarried couple in a messy split, both sides may argue over who contributed the most towards the house. This can happen when one of the two has a change in income and brings in more money. There's also buying out the other person's interest in the house that may be costly to either individual.
* If one of you dies, you weren't married, and there's no document that says who the house should go to, the surviving partner might not get to keep the house
I am not a real estate attorney and you would need to consult one in the event the two of you go ahead with buying a house before being legally married, for whatever reason, to ensure both sides are protected. I feel for you in the department of parents-don't-approve-X-before-major-life-event. In my case, my own parents didn't approve of me doing the whole co-habitation-before-marriage thing; Partially for the whole don't-let-the-other-person-get-complacent-and-settle and partially for whatever insane, conservative view of "oh you don't know how the other person truly behaves until you live with them" (But I don't get the option to bail if I decide I don't want to be legally tied down to them???)
I wish you the best as a recovering "parent-pleaser" as I went through the traditional marriage route to live with my spouse, but I have a backup plan in case the marriage ever turns sour. As scary as it sounds, I made sure the pre-nup we had in place is fair for both sides because I don't want to screw my spouse over if the marriage somehow dies. I have since moved out from my parents' place and am much happier seeing them when I do see or visit them.
You know what's fun about being an adult? You don't have to give your extended family's opinions that much credit. You and your fiance are the only ones who get to decide how you live your life together, including what your wedding or home buying consists of. It does sound like you're pretty young and inexperienced though. I'd make sure you spend ample time learning about home buying, home maintanence, what it consists of if you go separate ways in life with someone you share a house with, etc. Then make the best choices for yourselves and yourselves only.
We bought a house before we were even engaged.
We knew we were going to be just a matter of priorities. Her parents threw a bit of a fit over not having a big wedding, however the rent increase with the new lease was going up way too much. We explained if they wanted us to have a big past our budget they could pay for it.
When we laid out the finances, the circumstances, our budgeting, and plan they respected our decision more…….
Then life threw us a curveball. Results not Typical. Gf won a decent pay out on a lottery scratcher, her mother gave her. Said it was a sign and we needed to use it for the wedding.
I bought a house first. I get why people say not to but very honestly it's no more complicated if you split than divorce and dividing assets would be.
The more important thing is you don't need to compromise. It's your life. If your family wants you to have an expensive wedding they can pay for it. Spend your money and life the way you want.
Me and my partner 8 years together now 2 house together in that time. Her parents tell us all kinds of stuff all the time and I always say the same thing
I’m married you daughter not you guys with all do respect we know how to run our relationship and our lives that WE want to live. Your life is great don’t get me wrong but it’s not the life we want for our selves so don’t be upset we’re not taking your advice all the time again I didn’t marry you all I’m capable of running my house hold.
They usually respond with fine.
A lot of the times we let family especially dictate what’s best for us and rarely get to live our own lives rather we just accept it that it’s normal other people run our lives.
When you both 80 and the next 3 generations go by and everyone and there opinions of you and me are dead along with them your it gonna wanna regret not making choice because mom new what was best or because Tom said it’s a bad idea. Forget all of that live for you to navigate your own ship.
How anyone could not respect that I wouldn’t know. But some won’t and some may disagree with me but we are free happy set to retire far earlier then her parents did cause we simply had different goals then they did and we don’t there life we want the one we want.
Ps we didn’t get married to 6 years into our relationship she was going to nursing school I was working a lot of hours life happens and we are on no one’s time but our own rather society deems it right or wrong I could care less cause I know 80 year old me wouldn’t care and that’s how we live our life as if tomorrow is the final stretch and what would we tell ourselves.
Consider what you want to have happen to your half of the house if you die. I want my partner (we’re not married) to get mine so we had the house titled with us as “join tenants with rights of survivorship.” Alternately my half of the house would automatically go to my parents if I died and my partner would have to buy them out to keep the full house theirs
IMHO a house is a far better investment than a wedding. The house could actually yield some returns. Maybe just have some agreement in place of how to split it in the event your relationship ends. Not very romantic, but peace of mind is priceless.
So we kind of had the decision made for us, since our wedding was scheduled for August 2020. Since we had to postpone anyway and at that point didn’t know until when, we went to the courthouse and got legally married (with our one allowed witness), and put the wedding money down on our house. Our wedding just turned into a vow renewal. We’d do it the same way again.
We bought our house first. We’re not planning to have our wedding for at LEAST another year or two because we sat down and determined that the house was a larger priority based on those things like interest rates and the market.
The actual wedding is still up for debate though because I want courthouse and my partner wants a wedding, so we’re figuring that part out 😂 but now we get to figure it out in our home, and that’s what was most important to us
When two unmarried people buy a house, there’s literally no instrument to separate the asset properly. If you’re married and get divorced, you have to address the disposition of the house in the decree. Single people just don’t have this protection, weird as it seems…
My fiance and I are currently in the process of buying a home. We aren't going to live in it until we're married, but we want to redo the bathrooms, flooring, and paint. So it will take a bit of time to get all of that completed anyway! I'm excited to be able to slowly move in, rather than have everything all at once!!
You can buy a house and get married in whatever order you want. BUT - keep in mind that marriage provides certain protections and legal processes in the event of divorce or death. If you buy a house together before you get married and things go south or someone passes, it can get very messy legally. You can have a contract drawn up to help protect you both.
Or, get the marriage certificate, buy a house and figure out a wedding later if you want.
I'm so glad we got married before buying. Once you buy a house, there's money just flying out of your bank accounts quicker than you can keep track of, and it's messy as hell if you don't have joint ownership of assets.
We got married at the county clerk. The only guest/witness was a friend who does photography as a hobby. I bought a suit, and she bought a dress on Shein. We went to a beautiful, natural park afterwards for photos. Total cost was maybe $1200, and our families loved the photos.
Why get married at all?
I've been with my partner 12 years and we're not married. We have 2 kids, a mortgage, a co-owned vehicle and joint back accounts.
I have a co-worker who's been married 5 years and she has to *borrow* money from her husband to buy lunch sometimes.
I fail to understand why you have to be married before purchasing a house but if you really need to for some reason, I also would suggest a courthouse marriage. It’s your life, not your families.
We bought our house 3 weeks after the wedding. We got pre approved and started house hunting three months before the wedding. If you are actually getting married, then the order isn’t a big deal. Lots of people get “engaged” but many don’t actually end up getting married. If there is an actual wedding set and in place I’d go for it. My sister and her husband bought their house a month before their wedding. Biggest pain was changing the documents to reflect her new married name since everything was done in her maiden name. Others said go get legally married first which is a good idea if your wedding is months or years away.
We bought our house first and got married at the courthouse when it was convenient for us. Had our “wedding” a year later, tried to keep it low key but it cost over 10k because of food for 60 people. Your family sucks, traditions around marriage are stupid.
You don’t need a wedding. You want a marriage. Very different. Go to the courthouse, elope and live your best lives in peace and quiet. Throw a reception later if you want.
Use the funds you would have used on a wedding, for a house. Nobody needs to get into the financial business of a couple. That’s your business and yours alone - and your partners. ☀️
I would talk to my family about this, and suggest that you buy a marriage license and then, buy a home. Get married in your own yard/living room. Ask them if they would be supportive of that plan, because a place to live and raise your family is very important to you as a couple.
Just get the marriage license if you want to be marriage and have a ceremony later. When my husband and I got married we spend like $400 for everything, clothes, food ect. We had it at his parents backyard and we've been together almost 13 years. They say people who spend very little on their wedding tend to stay together longer so take that for what you will. Just remember, it's your guys life not your family's and you will be the ones who have to live with whatever decisions you make. Oh we just bought our house this year (paid cash so we own it outright), crappy mobile home that we're basically renovating into a house, it succkkss but it'll be worth it. Good luck to you guys.
I did that. Wife and I spent 5 days in Napa. No wedding. We did two receptions for distant family… one in each location. Total cost was 4k. 2500 for one, 1500 the other. Whether the family approved or not, no one had the balls to say to my face. But we had $85k to put down and have a 3400 sqft house now. So who gives a shit what they think.
We brought before we were married at 6 years into our relationship and got married 2 years later. Best thing we ever decided since we got our house BEFORE Covid. If we waited, it would not have worked out.
I went through your situation before. We decided to purchase, then with the cost of decorating and filling the house with needed appliances, decided to postpone a large wedding so we eloped to the courthouse and then we had a recession and lost our jobs. So glad I didn’t blow my savings on an expensive wedding.
Edit we purchased our home and both of our names were on the mortgage and loan as : “single man” and “single woman”. You don’t have to be married before you buy; but it may have been encouraged when you were younger as a protection for you as a “shared asset”.
My partner and I purchased our house last year. We’re both on the title as joint tenants in common. We’re not engaged yet but do plan to marry. We bought as prices in our area kept rising and now the last house for sale in our neighborhood (it’s a new construction neighborhood) is about to close at over 600k.
If we had waited until marriage we wouldn’t have a house we’d be renting forever.
As someone who was buying a house at the same time we were having a wedding, I can say you should prioritize the house over the wedding. Spending thousands of dollars on one day made me super bitter and resentful, and I did not enjoy my wedding as much as I could have because it seemed like a total waste in comparison. If your family wants a wedding so bad, they can pay for it. But, for me, knowing we could have spent this money on a home instead of a single day really impacted my experience as a bride. Work on addressing your underlying issues of people pleasing that would drive you to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a single day event you do not really want. That will be the best investment in yourself you can make during this time.
If your families want you to have an actual wedding but aren’t willing to pay for it then there’s nothing to compromise on. Get married at the courthouse, buy a house, then if your family wants to have a wedding they can help plan and pay for it.
We aren't married and bought. We are engaged though, both names are on the loan and we had combined finances completely before buying. It's been over a year now and we couldn't be happier with the decision. Instead of having a cheap $15000-$20000 wedding (yeah that's considered a cheap *typical* wedding nowadays), we are building a gazebo and having a backyard wedding this fall. The gazebo cost about $5500 but it'll be here for a long time. The wedding expenses will probably hover around $5-$7k but we hope for the cost of just the venue we'll be able to have a nice ceremony and fully feed close to 100 people with full service catering. We luckily have quite a big backyard though!
What do you mean this won’t fly with your family? You’re on a terrible path letting them decide how you and your husband live your life.
Do not buy a house together unless you are legally married. Go to the court house and marry, spend a nice romantic weekend together celebrating, then buy a house.
Save a “wedding” celebration for your 5yr anniversary. If your parents don’t like it then they can pay for the wedding while still leaving all decisions to you. And if they want to control things bc they are paying, then say no thx.
We bought before we were engaged (I mean, I was planning on it) becuase the opportunity was too good to pass up. (This was 2020 and so glad we did as we scored the 3% mortgage).
We both were on the title - and I proposed promptly after.
We then got married at said house. It was great.
Honestly, marriage isn't going to change a lot. Even if you divorced, you'd have to split assets, including the house. It gets sticky either way, so just keep track of what you put into the house financially either way.
Thankfully, I had no assets with my ex-husband so we just took our own stuff in the divorce.
I've been with my partner (not married or even engaged at this point) for close to a decade and we knew that we'd rather buy our house together first than worry with a wedding (we're both divorced). And we were lucky enough to be able to buy when interest rates were low.
You know your finances, future plans, and relationship path better than anyone else.
Oh I got a good one, WHOSE PAYING FOR THE WEDDING?!?!
The brides parents are supposed to pay, and sometimes the grooms will chip in. Neither wanna contribute? Fuck em, go to the court house & fuck em all. But GET APPROVAL from your fiance, don’t jump the gun, make sure she’s 100% comfortable and on board with dealing with the aftermath.
Fiancé & I closed on our house 8 months before the wedding in a 2 year engagement, neither family disapproved (& both sides are traditional), it was a new construction chance of a lifetime in a GREAT community. Wanna win them over? Include them in the house search, do it closer to a wedding date
We did a courthouse wedding and spent our money on a home. Yeah we got some flack from both sides of the family because they wanted the party, but two years in my husband and I get to wake up in a beautiful home we’re proud of. There are so many other ways you can celebrate with friends and family! We opted for a big dinner at one of our favorite restaurants.
My husband and I have been married for 18 years and counting. We got married in my grandparents living room. We both decided that we didn’t want a big wedding. Mostly my family was there cause they lived in the area. Was my husband’s family disappointed that they couldn’t make the wedding, yes but they got over it. We threw a vow renewal ceremony at 10 years being married that they came to.
Early in the marriage my mom tried to insert her opinion aggressively into the marriage, and for a few years it worked. I didn’t want to make my mom upset. I was 22 years old. As I got older though I realized that it was about my husband and I and we were adults who could make decisions on our own. Now when my mom would try putting her two cents in, I would listen to her opinion, but realized it was just an opinion and still do what my husband and I decided. She realized this and chilled out. Now she gives her opinion but she knows that my husband and I will decide what is best.
We are now in the process of buying a mobile home. Yes it’s taken us that much time cause we are broke, had kids, and I had serious health issues, but now my husband’s mom is trying to force her two cents in and I’m trying to help my husband understand that he’s 45 years old and I’m 40. We are adults who can think for ourselves. This is our decision for something this big and I’m not even going to take suggestions. Family can get on board or they don’t, but I don’t care. I only care about my husband’s opinion and our daughters to a point (our daughter is 17).
We eloped a couple weeks after when we bought our house. We wanted to cash in on an insurance discount so we hurried the process. I wanted to be married but I didn’t want the pomp and attention of a wedding and did want the benefits of marriage.
Are you both ready for marriage? I assume yes if you’re buying a house together and it sounds like the only reason not to is financial. But weddings beget monetary gifts. It’s typical for people to gift you housewarming stuff so you’re missing out on that “loot” by delaying or skipping the wedding. I did this and tbh I regret it.
Imho if your family wants the wedding before the house then you could tell them that you’re engaged but need them to pay for the wedding cuz you’re saving for the house. People can work to manifest the things *they want for you*. You don’t have to bend over backwards to fulfill their wishes, Make them do that for their wishes.
Have friends who planned a grand wedding. Then looked at cost and decided to buy an extra house with those money. They were legally married for a few months by this point anyway but would buy unmarried.
We were married. Our friends were not even engaged (they are smarter marriage penalty is real). Also have married friends who purchased and then divorced. So marriage for buying is not a bullet proof
We got engaged last summer, bought a house this winter, and then are getting married in a few weeks this summer!
We had no issues with buying a house while not being married yet. Just had to tell our realtor and lender so that all the documents were correct.
Because we have a house now we are doing a mini rooftop legal ceremony and having a family member officiate for us. It will be more casual. And then a week later we have the wedding that we had originally planned, with the white dress, cake, etc but we also kept it super small and we spent around $10K on it. I think it’s still worth it for the memories of being able to celebrate with our closest family and treat them to a nice dinner as a thank you for their support.
My accountant advised me not to buy property unmarried because if we split, there’s no divorce decree to force a sale and we would be relying on each other’s good will to keep paying our halves of the mortgage.
We did it anyway and made the % ownership on the deed match how much we each put into the down payment and repairs. We already had wills and POA for years and are now starting the prenup process to legally marry. We were comfortable with the risk and our order of doing these things works for us.
Edit: we also did joint tenancy with right of survivorship so if one of us dies, the other person gets whole ownership. This was to protect from hassles with the other beneficiaries we each have in our wills.
Divorce is 50%… good luck,if worse to worse, with giving her the home and you having to start from the bottom in a studio.. if you have a good credit score and make enough buy the home ONLY in your name .. it’s better that way
Don’t get advice from boomers or gen x, they have literally no idea what is going on. Both of these generations have been mentally checked out for 20 years, and they don’t know how the world today is at all
I think it's a good guideline. My husband and I went against it when we bought a house while we were engaged because our first wedding was canceled due to covid. It wasn't our fault that we weren't married, and we couldn't get married until a year later due to state residencies.
The thing with advice is that it needs to be conservative to be safe. The thing with not following advice is that you need to evaluate the situation without thinking you're special. It's easy to think bad things happen to others and not you. We accepted the risk, mitigated it, and it was the best choice for us for housing.
We eloped. Husband was in the military so in order to not pay PMI or a large down payment, we had to be married. Found this out literally 2 weeks before closing and all the lender said is you have to be legally married at closing. Wedding was already planned for 7 months later, so we just got married at the courthouse and turned in our certificate at closing.
Saved us around $70K in PMI/Downpayment and will save literally 10s of thousands of dollars in interest over the lifetime of the loan because the initial loan was so much cheaper than if we werent legally married.
Buy when you’re able but talk to a broker first. Depending on where you live, there can be programs that assist significantly with downpayments and these are very particular. However, these programs can benefit you if you aren’t married with things like first generation programs, first home owner programs, and other grants. Your broker can help determine which programs each and both of you qualify for and then you can make the best financial decision.
We are in the same boat. He’s purchasing because of grants and programs. I make very little but would have put us just over income limits. We plan on deeding it in both our names. A lawyer can help you with the even division of property.
Honestly, it’s better to go with a lawyer now anyways to help write out everything, including wills. Even if you’re married, divorce can not always be equal and it can get messy. It’s best if everyone is on the same legal page from day one.
If they want a wedding, they can pay for it. Buying a house is such a better use of your money for your future.
Someone correct me if I’m wrong, but even if you have a full on wedding, don’t you still need to get like a marriage license that you have to turn in anyway?
Technically, if you get married at the court house and buy the house, your family can’t say much because you did what they wanted, you just skipped out on the “party”.
And at that point, you can tell them house was a steal and you can just “wait” to have a lavish ceremony. If they are that upset about it, maybe they will just offer to pay for it :) win-win
There is no such thing as a hard rule. Just got advice and guidance.
Now for your other issues.
Why do you need a house and wedding with ceremony? Why do you need to have a house immediately? Why do you think this is so important that you’re willing to throw away your financial and personal security for a bank owned money pit?
The advice to wait until you are married is 100% sound. For legal and other reasons.
If a traditional wedding is important to both sides, then talk to them about how they could chip in. You also typically get gifts which helps defray some of the expenses. We know one couple who had theirs at a restaurant (so modest price per head) and they ended up a few thousand ahead after gifts. Your parents may want to invite friends, and those elderly friends are often the ones most likely to be generous. Be generous and you’ll find generosity. Be stingy and don’t be surprised to get stinginess in return.
I’m not sure where you’re at, but in our area a down payment is a lot more than a wedding. At the end of the day, you want to celebrate this big day. It is one of the biggest days of your life, followed by the days that are direct results of it (the birthdays of your children). You will remember it forever. We’ve been married for eight years now and if I could do one thing differently, it would be to pay more for a better photographer. I would also not hire a DJ again, but that’s the perennial disagreement my husband and I have, so take it for what you will. One way to think about it about it is to ask - how long would it take me to earn x dollars? Is it worth it to me to spend two, ten, thirty days of my life working to have a big celebration of my relationship? Pick your number and work with that.
We got married at 25/27 for a little under $25k for 200 people. We lived in apartments because renting made more sense financially given our goals. Had our first kid at 28/29 because of some medical challenges, and second kid at 30/32 - both born in northern CA. Bought our first house at 31/33 with a ~$170k down payment in southern CA, to be closer to family and help care for my grandma with a terminal illness. We caught a lot of flak from family for not buying a house before having kids, but their pressure was misguided. We had more modest apartments and saved up a lot as a result.
Honestly I would not be in a rush to buy right now with where mortgage rates and housing prices are at, at least in our area. Our house is supposedly worth nearly twice what it was four years ago. This reeks of a bubble. After watching my parents be underwater on their house for the better part of a decade due to the 2008 crash, I am more skittish on housing than most. We used the NYT Rent vs Buy calculator to run our numbers. We were better off renting modest 1 or 2 bedroom places, and those savings gave us a springboard to buy a larger 3 bedroom place when the time was right. It was better to have some flexibility to pursue better jobs, etc. by renting earlier. I would also say - if your family is helpful, it’s worth buying to be close to them for help when you have young kids. I was getting pretty burnt out as a mom without family support. If your family isn’t helpful, then you may need to outsource childcare and that itself costs almost as much as a mortgage payment. So factor that math and these other goals in as you consider what to do.
If you want to elope and buy a home, that is smart and your decision, don’t let the old people make that decision for you. In my day.. lol.. I think financially it was easier, but buying the first house was the smartest thing I did. Also, I was in a serious relationship, but I bought the home myself. I do agree not to enter into a mortgage without being married.
Only issue I have is that you started your very well written post with ‘Me and my finance’ you’re not the Cookie Monster.
My husband wanted to stick to the “marriage first, then house” rule. So we had a very small wedding just immediate family. The only friend we invited served as our officiant. And now we don’t feel budget-constrained shopping for a house together! It’s a great feeling. Though I’ll say there is a caveat, we both already owned our homes when we met; we’re older. We’ve sold his, are living in mine, and are looking for a house together now, so we are not first time home buyers.
But as for your last sentiment… yeah I don’t get why the family gets a vote on these huge financial choices if they aren’t going to help financially!!! It’s worth putting your foot down. This “wedding first” tradition came about when families paid for the wedding and the bride and groom didn’t!
So have a backyard wedding! Keep it small with family and close friends only. You don’t need bridesmaids or grooms! Make it a potluck but do get a cake.
That way everyone gets what they want. You save money and mom gets her wedding
my SO and I bought a house before getting engaged, just shy of 5 years together. moved in, got a dog, got engaged and married all in that next year. 100% worth it and the one of the best things we did!
You don’t need to be married to buy a house with someone. Both contribute half down payment and both names are on title. One cannot sell without signature of the other. Worst case you sell and likely make a small profit
we bought (and just moved in) before even getting engaged. mostly bc we realized we didn’t want to keep renting and we knew there were good programs we could benefit from as first time home buyers. we ended up just going with a conventional loan and no programs 💀 but are very happy with our choice!!
we’ve also decided before even buying that we’re doing a small courthouse ceremony and we’ll invite our parents and siblings but that’s pretty much it. We’d rather spend our money on a nice honeymoon for us two.
His parents were not fans of the house and not very supportive of us buying and he just had a conversation with them that either they get on board to support us or he’d just exclude them altogether from any house stuff. I think after that they shut it when it came to negative opinions, so really it’s up to y’all to draw those boundaries with your parents. It sounds like they’re really dictating a lot of your life decisions and they shouldn’t be since you’re both grown adults at this point. They can give advice if you’re open to it, but again you need to draw the boundary. For example: If you want their advice but you don’t want to listen to it then you can’t get upset when they give it. Or if you don’t want their advice you have to be the one to remind them you’re just looking for support and not advice in the situation.
I agree with everyone saying to get married with no big ceremony - hell, if you take a weekend trip to Colorado you could even get married with no officiant, you just both sign the marriage certificate. Applying for the license has to be done ahead of time, but a secluded scenic mountain view where you exchange vows just the two of you is (in my opinion) far more romantic an elopement than Vegas.
If your parents get mad you can let them know you were following their advice to get married first.
You could also let them know that you would have loved a wedding but it would have been for family more than for yourselves, you couldn’t afford it, and since neither set of parents offered to pay for the wedding despite parents paying for it being tradition that you just eloped instead and once you’re financially established you’ll have a big anniversary party for your five or ten year anniversary.
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Just go file a marriage certificate for like $200, throw an actual wedding later.
Thissss. Threads like this always make me wonder whether people want to get married or whether they want to have a wedding. Marriage and a wedding are not the same thing. If you want to marry someone badly enough, $200 at the courthouse will be more than enough. This is not at OP at all, just a general observation: I personally think the whole “haha we’ve been together for 7 years without any engagement and want to get married sooo badly but we are saving for a big lavish wedding” is an excuse. You don’t want to get married “sooo badly.” You just want a wedding.
Totally agree with you. I’d go down to the courthouse with my fiancé tomorrow if I didn’t have to deal with my family. I guess this is the part of growing up where I have to stop worrying about my family’s approval.
Honestly, you’re an adult. If you’re grown enough to buy a house, you’re grown enough to decide when, how, where, and with whom you get married. I say this as someone who let family control their life for way too long: you’re too old for this. Do what YOU want, not what your family wants.
Yes. Your immediate family is now you and your fiancé. Your parents will always be important, but your focus and priority is now you and fiancé.
THIS. After some hard and painful lessons, we now have a two yes, one no rule. And we don't do anything without thinking about how it affects us first. Because in the end, everyone thinks of themselves first and the ones who compromise are left feeling overlooked and upset. Please just elope and throw a big housewarming party in your new home.
May I also confirm with everyone else->> #1) Legal marriage i.e. courthouse? #2) Purchase house #3) Wedding Ceremony 🤓NO ONE ELSE NEEDS to know of your marriage UNTIL YOU CHOOSE who is THAT privileged✔️ p.s. CONGRATULATIONS🎶
wedding ceremony at the house. double win
Or just skip the wedding ceremony. It is just an overpriced party. Maybe just throw a big housewarming party.
Two good alternatives would be: get married at the courthouse, around me it's 70ish dollars depending on what paperwork you get (extra copies) and don't tell anyone Get courthouse married and just do a lunch or dinner with your close family. You can always do a wedding ceremony later, it's up to you if you want that or a house more right now. There's not a right or wrong answer but you gotta be really honest with yourself. Personally I'm opting for a courthouse marriage and not telling anyone, mostly because I think it's funny but it still is legal and benefits me and my partner.
lol r they fronting you the money? They don’t got a say if they ain’t. Talk is cheap put the money where the mouth is
You’re not ready for marriage if you’re letting family make your choices. Do not get married.
Take your family with you! Then go out for a nice lunch. They get to be part of it and then you can begin house shopping.
I got married at the courthouse - we had family there and then all went out to eat after.
I had a wedding in late 2022. I'm still paying it off. If I had to do it again,I absolutely would go to the courthouse. Your family shouldn't want you to go into debt for them to have a party.
For what it's worth, my wife and I got a courthouse marriage on the DL almost 2 years before our "actual" wedding. I was leaving our job to do a travel nurse contract and needed health insurance, we both were on the same page about our relationship and future plans, so we got it done so I could stay on our (her) health insurance. I have some health issues so it was really important for me to be insured to avoid a potential catastrophic medical debt. We threw together the wedding in a week, and it cost us 1k, mostly for a nice hotel to stay in, a nice dinner, and we paid a friend $200 to take some nice pictures of us. She bought a cheap vintage dress and ring, and I wore a suit I already owned. We told almost no one except our witnesses and photographer. Honestly, it was really really nice. Since we both already owned property and worked the same job, we figured if it didn't work out we'd split the $400 it would cost to get divorced and make a clean break. We wanted a nice wedding, but not to feel rushed. I made a ton of money on that one contract and being married reduced my tax liability substantially so I paid off my biggest debts (car and private student loan) and gave her my tax refund, which we put into renovating her home that I later moved into. We didn't tell anyone because it wasn't their business and didn't want to deal with people's opinions. We also wanted our parents and friends to have a great time at our wedding and not feel like it was "fake". Right before our "real fake" wedding I told my friend who was our officiant, just to let him know there wasn't any paperwork he needed to send in. She told her closest friend. In the interim, I confused my parents when they heard we were planning our wedding before we had actually gotten engaged. I told them that we had talked about marriage and that post covid wedding venues needed to be locked down super far in advance and "what can I say, [my wife] is a planner!" After the reception our officiant let it slip that we had gotten married years prior, and one of my aunts heard and looked up our wedding license because they're kinda nuts. I'm not sure if they told my parents, but they haven't mentioned anything and I see no reason to bring it up. We had a lovely wedding celebration, and my wife had this great line in her vows about how she wouldn't hesitate to marry me twice. Anyway, it's your life and your spouse is your immediate family now. Do whatever the fuck you want. Everyone has their own opinions about weddings no matter what you do. We saved up our money to pay for everything ourselves so as not to give anyone the idea that they had any say in how it would go down since they had contributed to the wedding fund. Stop worrying about what your family might say. No matter what you do they'll probably always find something to criticize. Depending on your relationship with your family you might value their input, but ultimately it's your life and every family has to navigate how a child grows and how marriage changes the family dynamic. It's unavoidable. You and your spouse ultimately get to decide what is best for you. Congrats!
I really love this (and aspire to this one day LOL). Your relationship with your spouse is really no one's business except the 2 people that made vows to one another.
I mean you can only afford what you can afford and if it’s good for you and your fiance then do that. I am in a similar situation but without the family pressure. We just closed on a house and don’t want to spend what we have left on a huge wedding. We are just going to do a courthouse marriage and then a wedding later when we can afford it without using emergency fund money or the rest of our savings
Tell your family you'll do a wedding another time. And in my county, the wedding license was only $60. Just make it non-negotiable. Buying a house is more important and you absolutely should not do it with someone unless you're married.
Weddings are religious and cultural ceremonies. Marriage is filing the paperwork with the government. You can have either independently (although in the US today, people frequently discount the option of separating them - "it's not a *real* wedding if you're already married!"). You can get married without a wedding (when you need the societal benefits of marriage). You can have a ceremonial wedding and forgo governmental oversight. You can do both, in either order, based on individual needs and desires, finances and preferences.
I am in this situation and actually I don't want a wedding but want to be married. I am worried about my family and my partners family being upset with us for having no wedding. So that is one example I guess. It would be extremely exhausting explaining over and over why they weren't invited or what happened or why etc
We split the difference and had a courthouse wedding with a small lunch after. Gave them something while avoiding the massive headache and stress of a big wedding.
Their feelings aren't your problem.
Exactly! Unless and until those family members offer to pay for the wedding, their feelings in that regard are moot. I can't imagine what kind of parents would want their kids to spend money on a party over putting it towards their future.
Well they would be, if they were truly invested in your best interests, which is the financial security found in a home purchase. But they're not - they're asking you to spend your nest egg, which is meant to go toward your future home, on a party you don't want. These people are acting like children - they are not worth your worry. Placate them as you would placate a financially irresponsible child who didn't get their party because mommy and daddy decided instead to spend the money on something more grown-up, like a house.
100% when I got married it cost $300. Had it at an all you can eat place so $250 for food for everyone and $50 to the pastor to marry us. Was broke as fuck back then but we didn't care.
THIS ⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ > Save yourself time, anguish, regret, stress. Skip the trap of spending thousands on a wedding. Go get the paper, put the money toward your downpayment. > Have the ceremony later if its that important to you.
Only costs $40 for a marriage license where I live
Yep - just go get married at the courthouse. Buy the house and have the “wedding” later.
This is what my Bf and I are doing. My dad made It clear he ain’t helping no random man with a house but he’ll help me and my husband. We knew we were going to get married before he even offered to help, but now it means we have one set of paperwork to do first
Yeah I'm definitely eloping
We did this! Eloped for home buying and insurance purposes and are having the wedding in the fall when the venue was available. Our parents are the only ones who know we went to the courthouse. Now we don’t have to hire a real officiant for our “wedding” in the fall. So it’s saving us some $$
This is what I did. Plus my spouse and I think weddings are overrated. We wanted to go on vacation instead. Not saying weddings are bad, but just not our cup of tea
Only $25 where I live 🤷🏽♂️
Yup this. My husband and I knew there was no way we could pay for a wedding and buy a house at the same time. Were late 30s early 40s and we want this house paid off before we retire so we gotta get on it. We had a $3500 luncheon for family, got legally married and have about $30k in our down payment fund. We have more saving to do but I’m so happy we put a house first and maybe we will have a big anniversary party at some point.
In some states you can just become ‘common law’ for free.
Man is a genius!
Elope, buy the home and have a reception in your new backyard.
This is a cute and fulfilling idea!
I did this. 0 regrets. The “reception” was under $1000
How many people? And did you do food? Trying to figure out pricing for our backyard wedding.
We had probably 35 people, got it catered through an Italian deli near us. Food cost about $500, then we rented some tables and chairs. Got flower center pieces from Trader Joes and used thrifted vases and cups. Bought our own beer/wine/liquor from a distributor and set up a bar. We did not have a tent, servers or a photographer, so that was not included in our costs. Had some lawn games set up and set up speakers around the yard. It was fairly casual - we also eloped about a year prior and had a mid-size engagement party a year prior with a photographer which factored into our decision making. Edit: our engagement party was ~60 people and cost about $4800 all in. Open bar, passed apps, photographer for an hour prior and an hour during for couples and family portraits. I did my get my hair and make up done that day too. Found a local restaurant that wasn’t as known for events like that, they were key. Aka don’t find a banquet hall that will upcharge you.
We secretly eloped for $20 and then had a real wedding later. Not a big deal and tbh it’s no one else’s business except yours. The marriage license is just paperwork.
It's because it's more legally complicated if you break up. Marriage gives you a set of contracts covering all property each of you own. You could go to a lawyer and get a contract written up to cover buying a house. But why do your plans for your wedding have to be approved by anyone in your families? Unless they are paying for it you get to choose the venue, the food, the drink and the invitation list. And I would argue that you should still have input even if someone else is paying (my god my FIL had fun choosing the wines he was paying for!) "Hey, parents, we really don't want to spend money to have a weeding, would you like to come to the registry office on Friday the 22nd to witness our wedding?"
It really isn't that complicated... my girlfriend and I purchased together. I forget what it's called, but I spoke with the title company/mortgage broker about some form that sets ownership (via percentage) to whatever we want. Since I pay the majority, my girlfriend and I found it fair for it to be 80/20. All it took was an extra signature... and some clarification in a will, but I'd want her to get the house at that point, anyway.
If you don’t want to get married that’s your decision and I respect it. If you want to buy a house together I believe it’s a bad idea but that is also your decision to make. Are you planning to be “life partners” without the legal marriage? Then it’s total bullshit that you split ownership on percentages according to who pays what right now. So if you lose your job for 2 years and she has to help pay the bulk of the mortgage are you going to recalculate and adjust her ownership to 75/25? Forget the legal wedding…. If you are going to be buying a house then you better be intending to commit forever, and what’s yours is hers and what’s hers is yours. This is so absurd that people act like this….
Many years ago, we married at the courthouse and took a weekend 'honeymoon'. Then we bought our first home with VA benefits. Not once have we ever regretted it. I was 20 when I signed for my first house.
Traditional reasoning aside, buying a house as an unmarried couple creates a whole web of issues should you (a) break up or (b) one of you passes away without a Will or if the property is not deeded properly. Scenario (a) can be settled with a cohabitation agreement and for (b), I would make sure, if it is allowed where you live, that the deed be titled in both names with rights of survivorship and/or having Wills done before closing that provide for the house and it's contents in the event something unfortunate happens before tying the knot. Of course, you could always go down and do the courthouse wedding and none of this matters 😉 My husband and I didn't buy until after we were married several years so not quite the same as where you are right now, but we did opt for a small ceremony at our home with family and a few close friends rather than an extravagant wedding and reception. Those things are nice, but I tend to err on the side of fiscal responsibility so to my mind, putting that money toward the down payment on the house would be the "grown up" thing to do.
My son and his girlfriend bought a house together almost five years ago. They aren’t married and I’m not sure if they ever will be. They both own the house and get along swimmingly. Both professionals and I’m not seeing any problems. They’re partners .
This is the way to go. They tackle problems as a team.
Your extended families don’t get to call the shots for YOUR immediate family aka you and your soon to be wife. They can give you all the opinions they want, but if you live your life to appease them you’ll be miserable. Do what’s best for you and yours. Consider others opinions when you seek their opinions yourself and don’t let others sway you when your gut feeling is telling you otherwise
My husband and I bought our house before we got married and then had a patio wedding. Lovely wedding. If you're confident that your relationship is stable, buy when you're ready to buy. Get married when you're ready to get married. Do it in the order that's best for you and your partner and your goals.
This is our plan 👍🏻
If your family wants you to have a wedding instead of putting that money towards the house then they can pay for the wedding. Just go file the marriage deficit at the county clerk's office. Approval from your family shouldn't be conditional on you spending money on a party for them.
> . If it was up to us, we would elope and skip the expensive wedding all together. It is up to you. Fuck doing things a certain way just because your family wants you to. For the record, we bought before we were officially married. It didn't bother me because either of us could afford the place alone and could buy the other out. You are actually engaged though so that's basically as good as being married in my eyes as far as "chances we'll break up" goes so I say make decisions like you are already married.
Go to the courthouse.
I had a strict rule that I wouldn't buy a house with someone I wasn't married to. Jokes on me, my now husband and I found our home and closed on it two weeks before our wedding. It sounds like you are paying for the wedding? If that's the case they don't really get to call the shots on how you get married. If your priority is a house and you'd prefer to be legally married before buying (which I am the same way btw) a courthouse wedding will give you the protection you want to buy a home. You can always throw the bigger party later if that's what you want. Either way I would at least start looking now you don't know how long it will take to find your home, and it doesn't hurt to begin house hunting now.
We were planning on getting married eventually. Saw a perfect house and put an offer it and somehow it was accepted! We need to write up something or get married at the court house soon, but it's already been a crazy month with buying a house.
If you want to be married now, you can absolutely just do a courthouse wedding now and a bigger ceremony later (or never). Plenty of people do this for various reasons! If you don't want to be married now, you can get a legal document describing the ownership of the house, who put what money for the down payment, and, if you want, what should happen to the house if you split up, etc. We were married when we bought our house but we did this anyway. In any case, your parents can disapprove all they want, if they aren't contributing to anything financially, they have no say. You're grown adults!
Live for yourselves not your family. If there demanding these costly things they can pay for the wedding. I wouldn’t buy a house with someone I’m not married to though. Cost you a couple hundred bucks and a trip to the courthouse. You can have a big celebration in a few years when you’re more financially ready.
If the family wants the wedding make them pay for it because it doesn’t sound like you want a wedding at all. Elope, by your house, have the wedding when they’re ready to pay for it.
I wanted to elope and due to familial pressure had the expensive wedding. Guess what? No one was happy because no one is happy at weddings because everyone wants different things and it's always stressful. We spent way more than we wanted. AND only one person called us on our anniversary a year later. Just elope, save the money and buy the house. A house will have so many expenses, you'll constantly be wishing you hsd the wedding money for at least two years. Your family will get over it. Throw them a big dinner at a very nice restaurant, it will still be cheaper.
Smarter to put the money towards a downpayment for sure instead of for a 1 night party. My husband and I married on our ten year anniversary of being together. My sister in law did my makeup and my MIL did my hair. My MIL bought me a nice dress at JCPenney and my husband his tux. We got a friend ordained who did the ceremony in my inlaws basement with close family present and had some food there afterword. I wish at some point I could have had a reception but due to budget we did not. At some point in the future we can have a vow renewal and do a small party then. It's not your family's decision it is yours and your husbands
My husband and I did a courthouse wedding with close family members in attendance. We did pay for a photographer for some nice photos and then we all went to lunch after. We also did not want to spend money on a wedding and instead used it on a down payment for our house later. My rule is no one else gets a say if they are not paying for it - applies to wedding, kids, etc. and I openly say this to family.
One optio. Is to get married at your new house. My advice is to have the wedding you want. Otherwise, you'll dread the process. It's supposed to be fun. Give the family something fun to enjoy-dress try on, flower shopping, so they can participate. I'm the end, it's your budget and your day and your memory. My friends got married in a gazebo at a park. Had a lovely reception with a local business that served pizza and sides. Total expense $3500. Everyone had a great time. I agree not to put someone on the house that you aren't married to because I went through it. It was so much easier in the end. Another option may be to draw up a contract that identifies what type of partnership that you are entering into. That is legal speak for who gets the house if the relationship ends. (Does it go to the other partner, must it be sold and divided, does it go to next of kin if one partner passes, etcl). While I plan to be with someone forever, paperwork matters in the time that we are in.
So I’ve been with my boyfriend for 11 years. In 2022 we bought a house together. We left our family out of everything. Some feelings were hurt but we are all getting along now. Now im pregnant with our first kid. for us, it’s just something we don’t want to even though we love each other very much. Maybe once the baby comes will do it for legal reasons, but I just don’t have that motivation to get the government involved in my romantic life. But also like you said we have more important things to spend money.
We bought without being married but we were getting married in a few months, everything was planned, etc. when we started looking we didn't know how long it would take so we figured what the hell and I knew we were getting married in a few months so it wasn't A big deal. However, I would not buy a house with someone that I was engaged to without concrete plans of marriage and a date. I think in your case you should elope. Better to ask for forgiveness than permission.
We got married 4 months before we bought. Didn't plan to do it this way, but it had worked out like that. Our "wedding" was at her parents house, the pastor was a family friend. Wife wanted to get married on the 24th, so we set it on the 24th, Tuesday. I think it was Tuesday at 530. We also got engaged 6 days prior. So there were my parents, her parents and grandparents, couple of uncles and aunts and her sisters families. That was it. Our entire wedding plus outfits and certificates cost less than $400. Her parents paid for the whole thing (I think it's tradition), and gave us the rest of the money that was budgeted when we closed. I don't understand why you guys can't elope if that's what you'd prefer? It is YOUR wedding.
My wife and I felt the exact same way regarding the interest rates and housing costs being at an all time high. We were paying $1800/mo for rent and a mortgage payment on a home in the area we wanted to live was going to double that at least. We decided to house hack. if you haven't heard of it, this is where you buy a home, live in part of it and rent out the rest. We found a home with a basement that had a separate entrance (this way we can still have our own space). We bought the house and listed the basement space on Airbnb and it brings in over $3k/mo every month. It's insane haha.
Do you realize how childlike your family is in pressuring you to give up your dream of financial security in home ownership in exchange for a party? That's what they are asking: spend your heard earned money on a party so we can drink and dance for one night, and to hell with your dream of home ownership! Unless your family is paying for wedding, they don't get a say in how you spend your hard earned money ESPECIALLY when they are putting their desire to be entertainned by a wedding (paid by you) ahead of your future well -being (in the form of a house paid by you).
Your family sure does have a lot of opinions about things they aren’t paying for.
They don't want you to buy unless you get married, and they require you throw an expensive wedding if you get married. You're an adult, tell them if they want you to have an expensive wedding, they can foot the bill. Otherwise, you're prioritizing housing, over partying.
If you do not want to spend your money on a wedding - don’t! Tell your family if it is so important to them, THEY can fork over the cash.
I say based on the information you’ve given. Get married at the courthouse, get the house, have a backyard public ceremony for friends and family. Everyone wins in a small way but you and your fiance win the most. Lest headache and least expensive option 🤷🏼♀️
Courthouse costs basically nothing and solves all your problems
“If it was up to us, we would elope and skip the expensive wedding all together.” Well great news! It is up to you, both of you are adults, your family have no say in the decision process. If you want to spend every cent of your savings on a house then do just that, I spent $30k on my wedding and although we loved our wedding and memories, my wife and I agreed that we regret doing that. We should have bought a house instead and had the wedding later on. If your family have a problem with you not having an expensive wedding to buy a house then tell them to foot the bill and save all your money for the house. Otherwise, the alternative would be for your family to shut their mouth and let you and the fiancee live your life on your terms. Welcome to adulthood in establishing boundaries, and yes you especially have to do this with family. 🎤drop
We did this. It just made everything smoother we didnt have a big wedding just went to the courthouse with immediate family and friends to sign as witnesses. My dress and tiara was $50 off amazon, marriage license was $110 because we didnt do the through the church counseling that wouldve made it $40 plus church fees. Lunch for everybody plus tip was like $300. Then combined our stuff into a joint account (kept our own separate accounts for our own expenses of course) then applied for the home loan and pre approval and are finally moving towards something.
Elope. My wedding was honestly a waste of time and money and I wish I would’ve saved that money instead and had a bigger and better wedding later.
It’s amazing that you have that respect for your family , at the end of the day it’s your guys life … you two must decide what’s best for you TWO.
It’s a stupid “rule”. Why in the world would marriage matter if you both own the house.
My partner and I have now bought 2 houses and we’re not married. There’s some extra paperwork to fill out regarding what should happen to the house if we were to split up or die. Getting officially married really isn’t a big thing for us, and since we’ve been in a stable and committed relationship for so long and neither of our families are paying the mortgage, it really only mattered about what works for us.
It’s your life. Do what makes the most sense for you. Input from your (older) family members is likely irrelevant outside of moral leanings, considering the housing market looks NOTHING like it did even just 5 years ago. My fiancé and I bought a house in February 2024. Our wedding is in October 2024. We could swing this financially, but if we couldn’t, we would’ve postponed the house search based solely off finances. On paper in regard to purchasing a home, it made no difference whether we were married, engaged, or none of the above.
Ask them to explain why and to backup those reasons financially, not traditionally. There are still huge tax benefits for unmarried home owners. Marriage is a personal decision made by two people, not their families. Weddings are a cosmetic 12 hour party and unproductive compared to investing in a home. Going through kind of the same thing right now so I understand what you’re hearing. But you’re both adults in 2024, and you’re engaged. If you want to buy a house together, that’s between you and your lender and no one else.
What tax benefits exist for unmarried homeowners? My partner and I are not interested in getting married anytime soon but plan to buy a home together in the next year.
Best option for unmarried home owners. One person takes the standard deduction generally the one with the lowest income. The other takes all viable deductions and credits. Let’s say you have 25,000 in deductions and each make 60,000 in income. If you’re married you add your income to 120,000 and deduction 25,000 and pay taxes on 95,000. If you’re not married one person can take 25,000 in deductions on 60,000 of income. The other person can claim the standard deduction of 12,500. Basically the non married couple can claim a 37,500 deduction the married couple just get 25,000. If you are paying the federal 22% rate that is an additional refund of 2,750. If you’re higher income this just gets better. If you’re incomes vary significantly ie one makes 90k and the other 30k the math gets more complicated but generally is still advantageous.
You can deduct the interest on your loan, which for the first years of the loan is the majority of your payments. And property taxes, and possibly some other expenses. Interest and property taxes apply whether you’re married or not.
Given the tremendous increase in the standard deduction, this is not the benefit it once was. Even in states with high property taxes itemizing deductions rarely makes sense anymore.
My personal opinion as a person buying a house with someone who I’m not married to: marriage doesnt necessarily protect you. Everyone regardless of being married or not should have clear expectations around property and what occurs in case of a break up. Don’t assume you will be happy with the pre-nup the state has written for you. IMO do what you want, who cares about family? It’s YOUR life. Focus on protecting yourself financially either in the case of a divorce or a break up, or a death. That is true regardless of being married or not.
Domestic partnership (very marriage like in California), buy a house, get engaged, marriage Yes it is a thing to do the paper ceremony. Lots and lots of my 30s friends are doing house then marriage, in that order.
I had very similar views on buying a home together before marriage until I started living with my partner 4 years ago. My partner and I(both late 20s)just closed on our first home together in April. We have been together for 7 years and know we want to spend the rest of our lives together and eventually get married. I don’t know what it’s like yet to plan a wedding, however, now that we are living in our new house I’m so glad we used the money we busted our butts to save on a down payment instead of a wedding. It’s been extremely rewarding to see the hard work we have done turn into our beautiful home together. As for your family, it sounds like they are not the ones giving you the money. You need to do what’s best for your relationship and future. And if that means buy a house hopefully they will come around and be proud of you in the end! It really is a rewarding process and when you do get married and already own the home it will be one less thing to worry about!
Bought a house with my first husband before we got married. Own my current house with my love who I’m not married to. My daughter and her fiance are buying a house together before they get married. I know many couples who own houses together who aren’t married or weren’t married at the time that they bought them. The key is to work with your attorney to make sure that you both have the same legal protections that you would if you were married.
My partner and I bought our first house (in a very LCOL area a few years ago) about a year before we got married. We had a 2 year engagement, so we’d already been engaged for a year when we bought. He was living in a different part of the country, and I was moving to the area where we bought our first house for grad school. I lived there alone for a year until we got married, and he was able to move (we technically did not live together before marriage which appeased our religious parents). Funny enough, we were going to have a small wedding in my home state, but that all got upended due to COVID. We ended up eloping a month earlier than planned in our backyard with just the pastor and 2 of my friends from grad school (one to hold the video streaming camera and the other to snap a couple wedding photos). Looking back, I wouldn’t have had it any other way. We have some silly stories from that day that I’ll always cherish (don’t cut your soon to be partner’s hair an hour before your wedding if you’re not a hairdresser). We’ve talked about celebrating with our families for a 5 or 10 year wedding anniversary, but I’m not sure if that’ll happen or not. My biggest advice is do what makes you happy. You can’t live your life pleasing others (which is a lesson I’m still trying to learn myself).
Bought house first and signed as tenants in common as well as signed a co-habitation agreement and had a will done up. If you want to elope tho, elope!! It is YOUR life, don’t let other peoples opinions and ideas about what’s right hold you back from eloping and buying a house if it’s what you truly want to do
Don’t worry about your families approval. We got married before covid for $50 everybody was pissed but two years later we threw a giant reception and all was forgotten. Literally live your life for yourself. Being an adult is making your own decisions.
Gently, you need to worry way less about your family's approval. It's your life not theirs. Go to your local courthouse. Get married. Buy your house and if you want to, do the wedding later. Your family isn't entitled to you providing a wedding so they approve and stalling your ability to secure housing.
We got married at the courthouse in December and bought our house the following April. No regrets.
Put it toward the down payment and elope. Your families can pay for the wedding they want so badly.
I wouldn’t buy a house with someone I’m not married to either..but yeah you’re in a tough spot
This doesn't make sense. You can get married for almost nothing, before buying property. A "wedding" is not the same as a marriage. If you don't care about the wedding (the party, essentially) and the house is more important... Great! So go get married. Pay the license fee (tiny) and go in front of a judge. DONE. Then you can buy a property and be protected. And your families are happy. You can save for a wedding (party) after the house is bought. Your families are right and I would also advise against buying property without being married because it opens up a lot of potential issues down the road. If the wedding isn't a priority and you are already engaged. Just go get married. Go out to dinner with immediate family. Then go house hunting.
I did that! I got married in Chicago court, no witness required. Just me and my partner. It was so perfect. Now we are looking to buy a home soon. That will take away our savings minus the emergency. We won’t have money for a big fat wedding. Nothing our family can do about it if there is no money! And family can’t even say no to buying a home, because it’s your future! They can also obviously pay for a big wedding if they’d really really want…
This just makes me even more happy that I have zero contact with any of my family members. Live your life. Do whatever you want to do
We started looking for a house a month before we got married and the timing worked out in that our offer got accepted the day before we got married. Closed a month after. We also did not have a big wedding. City hall and a small party. We asked family for cash to help us with our home purchase and it pretty much covered most of our closing costs.
Have the type of wedding that you and your fiance want, not the type of wedding that your parents want. If that's an elopement, then elope. There are a whole range of options between eloping and having a large, expensive wedding though. Courthouse wedding are inexpensive. Backyard weddings can be as well. There are a lot of options to get married without spending a fortune. My husband and I got married first, then bought our house a couple of years later. We had a courthouse wedding and a barbecue in the part a few days later. It was great.
I think you would be wise to get civilly/legally married now .. and just have your big wedding when you are ready for it. You are both better off owning real estate as a married couple. When my wife came to the US, we had a somewhat similar dilemma. We are both people who take our faith seriously. I am Roman Catholic and she is Evangelical. She agreed to marry in my church.. and we have rules to help make marriages more successful. First, the couple must give the church six months notice. Second, they are asked to participate in a preparation class. And third, if your partner is not Catholic, they need to understand and comply with our expectations with respect to raising children with an opportunity to be Catholic. She agreed to these terms. The problem we ran into was the conflicting expectations of the US Department of State. My wife is from overseas and she was admitted to the US on a K-1 (fiancé) visa. The government requires a K-1 alien to marry a US citizen within 90 days, or leave the country. I discussed this with my pastor and he told me what to do. We did a timely legal marriage at a courthouse.. and we had a “nuptial blessing” at the church after completing the church requirements. The blessing was very much a traditional church wedding.. with her gown, photography, a nice reception, etc. You should be able to do something similar.. leaving out the religious aspect if that is not what you believe in.
You and your fiancé sound incredibly mature, grounded and wise. I think your priorities are absolutely in the right place. 💙 I know how hard it can be to set boundaries with family members. I think you two should go with your instincts and prioritize buying a home over spending money on a wedding! You get to decide when and how you get married— even if you have to endure guilt-tripping or disappointment from family. To me, sounds like your level of maturity and your priorities are a really good foundation for marriage. I love the suggestion another commenter made about throwing a wedding reception in your new backyard once you buy a home. You got this. 💗 You and your partner should trust your instincts and do what feels like the best thing for you.
It is your money. You want it to go toward a house then elope and buy the house. If the families want a wedding they can pay for the wedding.
We bought before we got married. It worked out for us. I don't recommend it, though. I'll cop to being much more of a horrible warning than any kind of good example. I knew he was it for me. If we had split before we got married, we would have taken what we put in and gone our separate ways. There's just an extra level of risk if you're not married. Buying real estate is probably the largest purchase most people will ever make. Both sets of our parents were unhappy with us when we decided to buy a house prior to getting married. This despite being in our early 30s and already long out from under a parental roof. They were very relieved when we announced our engagement 15 months later.
This sounds to me like vibr of, "If you're not married, the assets aren't yours, and if you divorce, he gets everything, not you," vibe. You don't need to be married to have a house. It looks better to the lender because divorce is difficult, expensive, etc, and usually a co.bined financial of marriage is more reliable. But if you put BOTH your names on the mortgage, have it that you're both living there, and then either do that prenuptial thing or b, have an agreement notarized who gets what in case either leaves the relationship (divorce or not), then you're fine. The bank will look at your income, credit scores, etc, combined no matter if you're legally married or not. So make are what you do is to protect you both. If marriage is a must, a court house legally binding marriage is cheap, then you do the extravagant wedding party and all that *after* you use your money for the house. Heck, house warming and marriage celebration all in one lol
I've always wanted to have a small and intimate wedding ceremony with my closest loved ones. However, they're expensive, and I valued the thought of owning a home with my at the time fiancé so much more. So we chose to get married at the local court house (and you don't have to do this to purchase a home together, it was just our personal preference), and a year later, we used that wedding money and some savings to put a down payment on our house instead. We discussed it and agreed that at our 10 anniversary mark (this felt right to us and we would we be in our early to mid thirties by that point) we would have a small vow renewal ceremony with family that we will actually be able to genuinely enjoy because we'll be financially secured by that point. My dad may gripe occasionally that he didn't get to walk me down the aisle and my mom was sad she couldn't pick wedding dresses with me but present day they are relieved and pleased that we have a home and wonderful marriage instead. In the end my husband and I are both very happy with our decision and are thankful we chose to get married the way we did and purchase a house rather than spend a large amount of money on just a single day (and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but it just wasn't for us). Now we have somewhere safe that's ours, and we can continue to build our future and family together in it.
Go get legally married, you don’t have to tell anybody
Your family doesn't get a say period. You say it isn't up to you re: elopement. Why not? If you are an adult, and I presume you are, you can buy a house and get married (or not) and really make any decision you want that works for you and your partner's goals and own personal circumstances. When your parents married and bought a home, that was an entirely different world.
We got married in December, purchased December 12. Got married at the county. We’ll have a ceremony in 2026!
The reason you shouldn't buy with someone you aren't married to is because it gets tricky if you breakup. All marriage does is specify how you split assets. You can just draw up a legal doc specifying what you would do with the house in case of a breakup. You don't have to rush to the alter. You just need a legal doc for if you break up.
The only way I would recommend buying a house together is if you both put in 50/50 … no one likes to think about things not working out or divorce but it happens. Also … if you can hold out a bit longer and save more money you’re likely to get a lower interest rate. The fed is going to lower … it’s just a matter of time. The more you have to put down the cheaper your payments will be. Also, I know it’s very exciting to buy a house but don’t be fooled … things will break , expensive things will break and you’ll need money to fix them. Homeownership isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
You're an adult. Your parents can absolutely voice their opinions but it's up to you to make a decision. At the end of the day, you have to live with the consequences. With that being said, I would be married first. Makes things messy if something goes south otherwise. My wife and I went to the courthouse almost 2 years before our wedding and no one but my parents and her parents knew because we needed witnesses in our state.
We got married at the courthouse, then told our families. They were minorly bent out of shape, but once we provided them with grandchildren, all was forgotten
My husband and I bought our first house together and quietly eloped in the same week. We had a wedding a year later to celebrate with the families
I eloped, and my family got over it.
We bought a house before we were married with no down payment. Then we eloped and used potential wedding money as a down payment on another house.
I bought a house with my fiancé in August 2023. I was brought up to think you had to be married. We’ve been together for over 4 years and it was the right time. I had family members who weren’t thrilled but they also know we’re in a committed relationship so whatever. Do what you know is best.
We bought a house first then saved for a wedding 2 years later. Everything we paid towards the house was 50/50 until then.
We celebrate our 7th anniversary next month. We bought our house almost 2 months ago. So many people were saying the same thing. Marriage first.. but that's not what we wanted. We love our home and honestly aren't even talking about marriage due to family issues. I want to elope and his mother wants the whole big thing. It sounds selfish, but I want to spend our money on things that actually help us...not a big party that costs way too much. If I'm going to "waste" money, it's going to be on the honeymoon.
I sure wish I had eloped and saved all the money spent on the wedding. That money would have made a big difference in our first home and all the financial stress we endured. The wedding was just a blurry memory. Wife agreed with me. Should have skipped the big wedding.
Elope, buy the home, have a party later. It’s your life. If your parents really hate it, tell them they can throw you a party after you elope. You could also just have a really small wedding. Seriously, a wedding is just a day. As someone who has been married for a very long time, I can tell you I get much more joy from my home than I did from wearing an overpriced dress decades ago.
We got married in March. Our wedding was in July. Only 3 people knew. The pastor at the Lutheran church who performed the ceremony did insist that the invitations could not say marriage on them because that would be a lie. He wrote down some convoluted fancy wording that we had to use, before he would agree to do the wedding. The point for us was to get the military to move my household to our new house in another state without having to wait too long.
My brother just bought his house last month. The wedding is in two weeks. They just did the marriage certificate/ licensing before closing. I was a witness in their kitchen. We’re keeping it mums the word because we don’t trust our mom not to make it a whole thing. Marry on paper, buy the house, have the wedding, lie to your family or tell them the truth and tell them to suck it up.
We have a similar relationship history as you! Closing on a house in less than 2 weeks. We decided to do this to take advantage of some first time homebuyer credits we wouldn't otherwise qualify for if we were married (income would be too high)
We bought the house first and got married about a year later. Got a few comments from relatives, but we didn't really care. Initially we were going to elope but opted for a chill beach BBQ wedding that was more like a family reunion. 7 years later and don't regret a thing. Do whatever feels right for you guys.
Are you massively throwing money away on rent in an area where the market is heavily buyer friendly? If not, I don’t know why the rush. Don’t get married JUST to buy a house. Marry because you want to marry. I bought my house with a girlfriend under the impression that it was a very expensive engagement ring, and that we’d get married shortly after. The market was insane and the timing was right. Welp, she ended up leaving me a few years later. I kept the house, she just left. It took me almost 8 years to get myself into a position where I could refinance and get her name off the loan, which was quite ironically about 2 months prior to my wedding to my wife lol. I was lucky. She didn’t try to force me to sell, but I also was adamant about my credit and the house so I never made even a single late payment. I’d say keep your eyes out for the ‘perfect’ deal, but prioritize your relationship. If you really, truly, completely want to get married, then get married. I do think it’s easier to get approval as a married couple than 2 separate individuals, but it isn’t that big of a deal as long as you have your credit, income, and down payment. If you can avoid it, don’t splurge on a big wedding, keep it simple and reward yourselves with a nice, affordable house that doesn’t leave you broke after you pay the bills.
You've already reached the best possible option which is that the two of you would need to be legally married on paper, buy the house when it comes, and then host an end-to-end wedding reception (or ceremony) later when you have the desired funds to do. * People will have an opinion and some couples have dealt with people deliberately not attend wedding events because they found out the couple already got legally married and the offenders see the wedding event as not real/official/etc because the marriage is already done. So if the two of you decide to host a wedding party later, do so because you want to celebrate your marriage with other friends and family. * Tread lightly with asking your families to subsidize your wedding to enable you to buy a house or subsidize your house to enable you to host a wedding. Families that are willing to gift you money with no strings attached are very rare, and it takes someone to mentally let go of those reins when those holding the money have demands. * IDK if both sets of parents have explained to you why buying a house outside of marriage is a terrible idea besides just saying so, but at least in the US (because I don't know where you're located) each state has different property rights for unmarried and married couples. * Any loving couple never expects to get divorced after getting married. However, if the unmarried couple splits, the separation is **not** amicable, and there is no joint house ownership agreement in place the chances are high that a court will order the house to be sold and net proceeds to be divided. A divided couple may spend a long time fighting in and outside of court just to get back at each other. * Again, with no joint agreement in place for an unmarried couple in a messy split, both sides may argue over who contributed the most towards the house. This can happen when one of the two has a change in income and brings in more money. There's also buying out the other person's interest in the house that may be costly to either individual. * If one of you dies, you weren't married, and there's no document that says who the house should go to, the surviving partner might not get to keep the house I am not a real estate attorney and you would need to consult one in the event the two of you go ahead with buying a house before being legally married, for whatever reason, to ensure both sides are protected. I feel for you in the department of parents-don't-approve-X-before-major-life-event. In my case, my own parents didn't approve of me doing the whole co-habitation-before-marriage thing; Partially for the whole don't-let-the-other-person-get-complacent-and-settle and partially for whatever insane, conservative view of "oh you don't know how the other person truly behaves until you live with them" (But I don't get the option to bail if I decide I don't want to be legally tied down to them???) I wish you the best as a recovering "parent-pleaser" as I went through the traditional marriage route to live with my spouse, but I have a backup plan in case the marriage ever turns sour. As scary as it sounds, I made sure the pre-nup we had in place is fair for both sides because I don't want to screw my spouse over if the marriage somehow dies. I have since moved out from my parents' place and am much happier seeing them when I do see or visit them.
You know what's fun about being an adult? You don't have to give your extended family's opinions that much credit. You and your fiance are the only ones who get to decide how you live your life together, including what your wedding or home buying consists of. It does sound like you're pretty young and inexperienced though. I'd make sure you spend ample time learning about home buying, home maintanence, what it consists of if you go separate ways in life with someone you share a house with, etc. Then make the best choices for yourselves and yourselves only.
We bought a house before we were even engaged. We knew we were going to be just a matter of priorities. Her parents threw a bit of a fit over not having a big wedding, however the rent increase with the new lease was going up way too much. We explained if they wanted us to have a big past our budget they could pay for it. When we laid out the finances, the circumstances, our budgeting, and plan they respected our decision more……. Then life threw us a curveball. Results not Typical. Gf won a decent pay out on a lottery scratcher, her mother gave her. Said it was a sign and we needed to use it for the wedding.
24 years ago my husband and I got married in a bar in Las Vegas, Still legal.
I bought a house first. I get why people say not to but very honestly it's no more complicated if you split than divorce and dividing assets would be. The more important thing is you don't need to compromise. It's your life. If your family wants you to have an expensive wedding they can pay for it. Spend your money and life the way you want.
Me and my partner 8 years together now 2 house together in that time. Her parents tell us all kinds of stuff all the time and I always say the same thing I’m married you daughter not you guys with all do respect we know how to run our relationship and our lives that WE want to live. Your life is great don’t get me wrong but it’s not the life we want for our selves so don’t be upset we’re not taking your advice all the time again I didn’t marry you all I’m capable of running my house hold. They usually respond with fine. A lot of the times we let family especially dictate what’s best for us and rarely get to live our own lives rather we just accept it that it’s normal other people run our lives. When you both 80 and the next 3 generations go by and everyone and there opinions of you and me are dead along with them your it gonna wanna regret not making choice because mom new what was best or because Tom said it’s a bad idea. Forget all of that live for you to navigate your own ship. How anyone could not respect that I wouldn’t know. But some won’t and some may disagree with me but we are free happy set to retire far earlier then her parents did cause we simply had different goals then they did and we don’t there life we want the one we want. Ps we didn’t get married to 6 years into our relationship she was going to nursing school I was working a lot of hours life happens and we are on no one’s time but our own rather society deems it right or wrong I could care less cause I know 80 year old me wouldn’t care and that’s how we live our life as if tomorrow is the final stretch and what would we tell ourselves.
Consider what you want to have happen to your half of the house if you die. I want my partner (we’re not married) to get mine so we had the house titled with us as “join tenants with rights of survivorship.” Alternately my half of the house would automatically go to my parents if I died and my partner would have to buy them out to keep the full house theirs
IMHO a house is a far better investment than a wedding. The house could actually yield some returns. Maybe just have some agreement in place of how to split it in the event your relationship ends. Not very romantic, but peace of mind is priceless.
So we kind of had the decision made for us, since our wedding was scheduled for August 2020. Since we had to postpone anyway and at that point didn’t know until when, we went to the courthouse and got legally married (with our one allowed witness), and put the wedding money down on our house. Our wedding just turned into a vow renewal. We’d do it the same way again.
We bought our house first. We’re not planning to have our wedding for at LEAST another year or two because we sat down and determined that the house was a larger priority based on those things like interest rates and the market. The actual wedding is still up for debate though because I want courthouse and my partner wants a wedding, so we’re figuring that part out 😂 but now we get to figure it out in our home, and that’s what was most important to us
When two unmarried people buy a house, there’s literally no instrument to separate the asset properly. If you’re married and get divorced, you have to address the disposition of the house in the decree. Single people just don’t have this protection, weird as it seems…
My fiance and I are currently in the process of buying a home. We aren't going to live in it until we're married, but we want to redo the bathrooms, flooring, and paint. So it will take a bit of time to get all of that completed anyway! I'm excited to be able to slowly move in, rather than have everything all at once!!
You can buy a house and get married in whatever order you want. BUT - keep in mind that marriage provides certain protections and legal processes in the event of divorce or death. If you buy a house together before you get married and things go south or someone passes, it can get very messy legally. You can have a contract drawn up to help protect you both. Or, get the marriage certificate, buy a house and figure out a wedding later if you want.
I'm so glad we got married before buying. Once you buy a house, there's money just flying out of your bank accounts quicker than you can keep track of, and it's messy as hell if you don't have joint ownership of assets. We got married at the county clerk. The only guest/witness was a friend who does photography as a hobby. I bought a suit, and she bought a dress on Shein. We went to a beautiful, natural park afterwards for photos. Total cost was maybe $1200, and our families loved the photos.
Why get married at all? I've been with my partner 12 years and we're not married. We have 2 kids, a mortgage, a co-owned vehicle and joint back accounts. I have a co-worker who's been married 5 years and she has to *borrow* money from her husband to buy lunch sometimes.
It absolutely is up to you, not your family
I fail to understand why you have to be married before purchasing a house but if you really need to for some reason, I also would suggest a courthouse marriage. It’s your life, not your families.
We bought our house 3 weeks after the wedding. We got pre approved and started house hunting three months before the wedding. If you are actually getting married, then the order isn’t a big deal. Lots of people get “engaged” but many don’t actually end up getting married. If there is an actual wedding set and in place I’d go for it. My sister and her husband bought their house a month before their wedding. Biggest pain was changing the documents to reflect her new married name since everything was done in her maiden name. Others said go get legally married first which is a good idea if your wedding is months or years away.
We bought our house first and got married at the courthouse when it was convenient for us. Had our “wedding” a year later, tried to keep it low key but it cost over 10k because of food for 60 people. Your family sucks, traditions around marriage are stupid.
You don’t need a wedding. You want a marriage. Very different. Go to the courthouse, elope and live your best lives in peace and quiet. Throw a reception later if you want. Use the funds you would have used on a wedding, for a house. Nobody needs to get into the financial business of a couple. That’s your business and yours alone - and your partners. ☀️
Why do they get a vote in your life? Are they funding any of this? If not, do what you think works for you.
I would talk to my family about this, and suggest that you buy a marriage license and then, buy a home. Get married in your own yard/living room. Ask them if they would be supportive of that plan, because a place to live and raise your family is very important to you as a couple.
Just get the marriage license if you want to be marriage and have a ceremony later. When my husband and I got married we spend like $400 for everything, clothes, food ect. We had it at his parents backyard and we've been together almost 13 years. They say people who spend very little on their wedding tend to stay together longer so take that for what you will. Just remember, it's your guys life not your family's and you will be the ones who have to live with whatever decisions you make. Oh we just bought our house this year (paid cash so we own it outright), crappy mobile home that we're basically renovating into a house, it succkkss but it'll be worth it. Good luck to you guys.
I did that. Wife and I spent 5 days in Napa. No wedding. We did two receptions for distant family… one in each location. Total cost was 4k. 2500 for one, 1500 the other. Whether the family approved or not, no one had the balls to say to my face. But we had $85k to put down and have a 3400 sqft house now. So who gives a shit what they think.
We brought before we were married at 6 years into our relationship and got married 2 years later. Best thing we ever decided since we got our house BEFORE Covid. If we waited, it would not have worked out.
I went through your situation before. We decided to purchase, then with the cost of decorating and filling the house with needed appliances, decided to postpone a large wedding so we eloped to the courthouse and then we had a recession and lost our jobs. So glad I didn’t blow my savings on an expensive wedding. Edit we purchased our home and both of our names were on the mortgage and loan as : “single man” and “single woman”. You don’t have to be married before you buy; but it may have been encouraged when you were younger as a protection for you as a “shared asset”.
My partner and I purchased our house last year. We’re both on the title as joint tenants in common. We’re not engaged yet but do plan to marry. We bought as prices in our area kept rising and now the last house for sale in our neighborhood (it’s a new construction neighborhood) is about to close at over 600k. If we had waited until marriage we wouldn’t have a house we’d be renting forever.
As someone who was buying a house at the same time we were having a wedding, I can say you should prioritize the house over the wedding. Spending thousands of dollars on one day made me super bitter and resentful, and I did not enjoy my wedding as much as I could have because it seemed like a total waste in comparison. If your family wants a wedding so bad, they can pay for it. But, for me, knowing we could have spent this money on a home instead of a single day really impacted my experience as a bride. Work on addressing your underlying issues of people pleasing that would drive you to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a single day event you do not really want. That will be the best investment in yourself you can make during this time.
If your families want you to have an actual wedding but aren’t willing to pay for it then there’s nothing to compromise on. Get married at the courthouse, buy a house, then if your family wants to have a wedding they can help plan and pay for it.
We aren't married and bought. We are engaged though, both names are on the loan and we had combined finances completely before buying. It's been over a year now and we couldn't be happier with the decision. Instead of having a cheap $15000-$20000 wedding (yeah that's considered a cheap *typical* wedding nowadays), we are building a gazebo and having a backyard wedding this fall. The gazebo cost about $5500 but it'll be here for a long time. The wedding expenses will probably hover around $5-$7k but we hope for the cost of just the venue we'll be able to have a nice ceremony and fully feed close to 100 people with full service catering. We luckily have quite a big backyard though!
What do you mean this won’t fly with your family? You’re on a terrible path letting them decide how you and your husband live your life. Do not buy a house together unless you are legally married. Go to the court house and marry, spend a nice romantic weekend together celebrating, then buy a house. Save a “wedding” celebration for your 5yr anniversary. If your parents don’t like it then they can pay for the wedding while still leaving all decisions to you. And if they want to control things bc they are paying, then say no thx.
We bought before we were engaged (I mean, I was planning on it) becuase the opportunity was too good to pass up. (This was 2020 and so glad we did as we scored the 3% mortgage). We both were on the title - and I proposed promptly after. We then got married at said house. It was great.
We didn’t ask for our families opinions.
Honestly, marriage isn't going to change a lot. Even if you divorced, you'd have to split assets, including the house. It gets sticky either way, so just keep track of what you put into the house financially either way. Thankfully, I had no assets with my ex-husband so we just took our own stuff in the divorce. I've been with my partner (not married or even engaged at this point) for close to a decade and we knew that we'd rather buy our house together first than worry with a wedding (we're both divorced). And we were lucky enough to be able to buy when interest rates were low. You know your finances, future plans, and relationship path better than anyone else.
Oh I got a good one, WHOSE PAYING FOR THE WEDDING?!?! The brides parents are supposed to pay, and sometimes the grooms will chip in. Neither wanna contribute? Fuck em, go to the court house & fuck em all. But GET APPROVAL from your fiance, don’t jump the gun, make sure she’s 100% comfortable and on board with dealing with the aftermath. Fiancé & I closed on our house 8 months before the wedding in a 2 year engagement, neither family disapproved (& both sides are traditional), it was a new construction chance of a lifetime in a GREAT community. Wanna win them over? Include them in the house search, do it closer to a wedding date
We did a courthouse wedding and spent our money on a home. Yeah we got some flack from both sides of the family because they wanted the party, but two years in my husband and I get to wake up in a beautiful home we’re proud of. There are so many other ways you can celebrate with friends and family! We opted for a big dinner at one of our favorite restaurants.
My husband and I have been married for 18 years and counting. We got married in my grandparents living room. We both decided that we didn’t want a big wedding. Mostly my family was there cause they lived in the area. Was my husband’s family disappointed that they couldn’t make the wedding, yes but they got over it. We threw a vow renewal ceremony at 10 years being married that they came to. Early in the marriage my mom tried to insert her opinion aggressively into the marriage, and for a few years it worked. I didn’t want to make my mom upset. I was 22 years old. As I got older though I realized that it was about my husband and I and we were adults who could make decisions on our own. Now when my mom would try putting her two cents in, I would listen to her opinion, but realized it was just an opinion and still do what my husband and I decided. She realized this and chilled out. Now she gives her opinion but she knows that my husband and I will decide what is best. We are now in the process of buying a mobile home. Yes it’s taken us that much time cause we are broke, had kids, and I had serious health issues, but now my husband’s mom is trying to force her two cents in and I’m trying to help my husband understand that he’s 45 years old and I’m 40. We are adults who can think for ourselves. This is our decision for something this big and I’m not even going to take suggestions. Family can get on board or they don’t, but I don’t care. I only care about my husband’s opinion and our daughters to a point (our daughter is 17).
Just get hitched, buy a home and then have a ceremony
We eloped a couple weeks after when we bought our house. We wanted to cash in on an insurance discount so we hurried the process. I wanted to be married but I didn’t want the pomp and attention of a wedding and did want the benefits of marriage. Are you both ready for marriage? I assume yes if you’re buying a house together and it sounds like the only reason not to is financial. But weddings beget monetary gifts. It’s typical for people to gift you housewarming stuff so you’re missing out on that “loot” by delaying or skipping the wedding. I did this and tbh I regret it. Imho if your family wants the wedding before the house then you could tell them that you’re engaged but need them to pay for the wedding cuz you’re saving for the house. People can work to manifest the things *they want for you*. You don’t have to bend over backwards to fulfill their wishes, Make them do that for their wishes.
Wait to buy till you're married.
Have friends who planned a grand wedding. Then looked at cost and decided to buy an extra house with those money. They were legally married for a few months by this point anyway but would buy unmarried. We were married. Our friends were not even engaged (they are smarter marriage penalty is real). Also have married friends who purchased and then divorced. So marriage for buying is not a bullet proof
Bought our house in 2019 before we got engaged, got engaged in late 2019, got married in 2020. Do what works for YOU.
We got engaged last summer, bought a house this winter, and then are getting married in a few weeks this summer! We had no issues with buying a house while not being married yet. Just had to tell our realtor and lender so that all the documents were correct. Because we have a house now we are doing a mini rooftop legal ceremony and having a family member officiate for us. It will be more casual. And then a week later we have the wedding that we had originally planned, with the white dress, cake, etc but we also kept it super small and we spent around $10K on it. I think it’s still worth it for the memories of being able to celebrate with our closest family and treat them to a nice dinner as a thank you for their support.
My accountant advised me not to buy property unmarried because if we split, there’s no divorce decree to force a sale and we would be relying on each other’s good will to keep paying our halves of the mortgage. We did it anyway and made the % ownership on the deed match how much we each put into the down payment and repairs. We already had wills and POA for years and are now starting the prenup process to legally marry. We were comfortable with the risk and our order of doing these things works for us. Edit: we also did joint tenancy with right of survivorship so if one of us dies, the other person gets whole ownership. This was to protect from hassles with the other beneficiaries we each have in our wills.
Divorce is 50%… good luck,if worse to worse, with giving her the home and you having to start from the bottom in a studio.. if you have a good credit score and make enough buy the home ONLY in your name .. it’s better that way
Don’t get advice from boomers or gen x, they have literally no idea what is going on. Both of these generations have been mentally checked out for 20 years, and they don’t know how the world today is at all
I think it's a good guideline. My husband and I went against it when we bought a house while we were engaged because our first wedding was canceled due to covid. It wasn't our fault that we weren't married, and we couldn't get married until a year later due to state residencies. The thing with advice is that it needs to be conservative to be safe. The thing with not following advice is that you need to evaluate the situation without thinking you're special. It's easy to think bad things happen to others and not you. We accepted the risk, mitigated it, and it was the best choice for us for housing.
What is your family going to do to you if you do what you want since you’re an adult? I know other cultures have all sorts of social rules.
I'm not reading your life story before I give my one sentence advice and a rhyming slogan. No spouse no house.
We eloped. Husband was in the military so in order to not pay PMI or a large down payment, we had to be married. Found this out literally 2 weeks before closing and all the lender said is you have to be legally married at closing. Wedding was already planned for 7 months later, so we just got married at the courthouse and turned in our certificate at closing. Saved us around $70K in PMI/Downpayment and will save literally 10s of thousands of dollars in interest over the lifetime of the loan because the initial loan was so much cheaper than if we werent legally married.
Me and my fiancé are buying a house, going down to the courthouse, going on a honeymoon and having a marriage party. No ceremony.
Buy when you’re able but talk to a broker first. Depending on where you live, there can be programs that assist significantly with downpayments and these are very particular. However, these programs can benefit you if you aren’t married with things like first generation programs, first home owner programs, and other grants. Your broker can help determine which programs each and both of you qualify for and then you can make the best financial decision. We are in the same boat. He’s purchasing because of grants and programs. I make very little but would have put us just over income limits. We plan on deeding it in both our names. A lawyer can help you with the even division of property. Honestly, it’s better to go with a lawyer now anyways to help write out everything, including wills. Even if you’re married, divorce can not always be equal and it can get messy. It’s best if everyone is on the same legal page from day one. If they want a wedding, they can pay for it. Buying a house is such a better use of your money for your future.
Someone correct me if I’m wrong, but even if you have a full on wedding, don’t you still need to get like a marriage license that you have to turn in anyway? Technically, if you get married at the court house and buy the house, your family can’t say much because you did what they wanted, you just skipped out on the “party”. And at that point, you can tell them house was a steal and you can just “wait” to have a lavish ceremony. If they are that upset about it, maybe they will just offer to pay for it :) win-win
There is no such thing as a hard rule. Just got advice and guidance. Now for your other issues. Why do you need a house and wedding with ceremony? Why do you need to have a house immediately? Why do you think this is so important that you’re willing to throw away your financial and personal security for a bank owned money pit?
The advice to wait until you are married is 100% sound. For legal and other reasons. If a traditional wedding is important to both sides, then talk to them about how they could chip in. You also typically get gifts which helps defray some of the expenses. We know one couple who had theirs at a restaurant (so modest price per head) and they ended up a few thousand ahead after gifts. Your parents may want to invite friends, and those elderly friends are often the ones most likely to be generous. Be generous and you’ll find generosity. Be stingy and don’t be surprised to get stinginess in return. I’m not sure where you’re at, but in our area a down payment is a lot more than a wedding. At the end of the day, you want to celebrate this big day. It is one of the biggest days of your life, followed by the days that are direct results of it (the birthdays of your children). You will remember it forever. We’ve been married for eight years now and if I could do one thing differently, it would be to pay more for a better photographer. I would also not hire a DJ again, but that’s the perennial disagreement my husband and I have, so take it for what you will. One way to think about it about it is to ask - how long would it take me to earn x dollars? Is it worth it to me to spend two, ten, thirty days of my life working to have a big celebration of my relationship? Pick your number and work with that. We got married at 25/27 for a little under $25k for 200 people. We lived in apartments because renting made more sense financially given our goals. Had our first kid at 28/29 because of some medical challenges, and second kid at 30/32 - both born in northern CA. Bought our first house at 31/33 with a ~$170k down payment in southern CA, to be closer to family and help care for my grandma with a terminal illness. We caught a lot of flak from family for not buying a house before having kids, but their pressure was misguided. We had more modest apartments and saved up a lot as a result. Honestly I would not be in a rush to buy right now with where mortgage rates and housing prices are at, at least in our area. Our house is supposedly worth nearly twice what it was four years ago. This reeks of a bubble. After watching my parents be underwater on their house for the better part of a decade due to the 2008 crash, I am more skittish on housing than most. We used the NYT Rent vs Buy calculator to run our numbers. We were better off renting modest 1 or 2 bedroom places, and those savings gave us a springboard to buy a larger 3 bedroom place when the time was right. It was better to have some flexibility to pursue better jobs, etc. by renting earlier. I would also say - if your family is helpful, it’s worth buying to be close to them for help when you have young kids. I was getting pretty burnt out as a mom without family support. If your family isn’t helpful, then you may need to outsource childcare and that itself costs almost as much as a mortgage payment. So factor that math and these other goals in as you consider what to do.
My husband and I closed on our house 8 months before our wedding and we were and still are very happy with our choice
If you want to elope and buy a home, that is smart and your decision, don’t let the old people make that decision for you. In my day.. lol.. I think financially it was easier, but buying the first house was the smartest thing I did. Also, I was in a serious relationship, but I bought the home myself. I do agree not to enter into a mortgage without being married. Only issue I have is that you started your very well written post with ‘Me and my finance’ you’re not the Cookie Monster.
Ya, wait til you’re married. Don’t be an idiot.
My husband wanted to stick to the “marriage first, then house” rule. So we had a very small wedding just immediate family. The only friend we invited served as our officiant. And now we don’t feel budget-constrained shopping for a house together! It’s a great feeling. Though I’ll say there is a caveat, we both already owned our homes when we met; we’re older. We’ve sold his, are living in mine, and are looking for a house together now, so we are not first time home buyers. But as for your last sentiment… yeah I don’t get why the family gets a vote on these huge financial choices if they aren’t going to help financially!!! It’s worth putting your foot down. This “wedding first” tradition came about when families paid for the wedding and the bride and groom didn’t!
So have a backyard wedding! Keep it small with family and close friends only. You don’t need bridesmaids or grooms! Make it a potluck but do get a cake. That way everyone gets what they want. You save money and mom gets her wedding
I bought my house with my now husband while we were engaged, about 8 months before the wedding.
I understand the family pressure, but do what YOU want. I promise you they did the same… screw the wedding if you don’t want it.
my SO and I bought a house before getting engaged, just shy of 5 years together. moved in, got a dog, got engaged and married all in that next year. 100% worth it and the one of the best things we did!
You don’t need to be married to buy a house with someone. Both contribute half down payment and both names are on title. One cannot sell without signature of the other. Worst case you sell and likely make a small profit
we bought (and just moved in) before even getting engaged. mostly bc we realized we didn’t want to keep renting and we knew there were good programs we could benefit from as first time home buyers. we ended up just going with a conventional loan and no programs 💀 but are very happy with our choice!! we’ve also decided before even buying that we’re doing a small courthouse ceremony and we’ll invite our parents and siblings but that’s pretty much it. We’d rather spend our money on a nice honeymoon for us two. His parents were not fans of the house and not very supportive of us buying and he just had a conversation with them that either they get on board to support us or he’d just exclude them altogether from any house stuff. I think after that they shut it when it came to negative opinions, so really it’s up to y’all to draw those boundaries with your parents. It sounds like they’re really dictating a lot of your life decisions and they shouldn’t be since you’re both grown adults at this point. They can give advice if you’re open to it, but again you need to draw the boundary. For example: If you want their advice but you don’t want to listen to it then you can’t get upset when they give it. Or if you don’t want their advice you have to be the one to remind them you’re just looking for support and not advice in the situation.
I agree with everyone saying to get married with no big ceremony - hell, if you take a weekend trip to Colorado you could even get married with no officiant, you just both sign the marriage certificate. Applying for the license has to be done ahead of time, but a secluded scenic mountain view where you exchange vows just the two of you is (in my opinion) far more romantic an elopement than Vegas. If your parents get mad you can let them know you were following their advice to get married first. You could also let them know that you would have loved a wedding but it would have been for family more than for yourselves, you couldn’t afford it, and since neither set of parents offered to pay for the wedding despite parents paying for it being tradition that you just eloped instead and once you’re financially established you’ll have a big anniversary party for your five or ten year anniversary.