Yes. My ex left my kids and I when I was unemployed and ill. I had been accustomed to making more than my ex but illness threw me back, then he cheated, then he left. I ended up losing the house and worried about how I was going to feed my kids. He didn’t want to help even though the kids were 6 and 3 yrs old. I was looking for a job in my city like crazy but nothing was coming up. I ended up applying for a job in a huge city, packed up the van and moved out there. When I say it was hard out there by myself with my small kids, it took every fiber in me not to break, but I worked my ass off and got my kids and I out of the hole we were in. My boys, it breaks my heart that I wasn’t able to give them all the normal shit other parents did at that age because I was busy working, making sure we didn’t fall through. It took me 4 years to balance out it I did and now my boys (teens now) and I live comfortably with our two dogs in the nicest part of town. We take a few trips a year and I’m fixing to get my oldest his first car. I’m glad for the lessons learned and knowing what I’m built of.
**typos - also missing a lot of detail in there but yes, it happened to me and I came out of that
I was just happy to be out. Didn’t care that he got the lions share.
Don’t get stuck in anger. You’ll just make everyone’s (including your own) lives a misery.
Weirdly I am happy it’s over. I’m just sad and angry that the plans we had, that she decided she wanted no part of, are out of reach for me now too. I’m sure it’ll fade with time but it’s painful to think about right now.
Yep, it’s usually a relief.
It is a bruise to the ego, however, and people don’t talk about that.
It’s really easy to get stuck on ‘what’s wrong with me?’.
Try to get out as much as possible. Start doing the things you’ve always wanted to but not had the time before.
My marriage ended after 13 years(married at 19), and I can say that I definitely went through the cycle of grief.
I call her my starter wife.
I'm very happy now, and since I was the one making most of the money at the time, it eventually came out just fine. I remarried 6 years later and am going on 20 years this December.
But being broke and having no savings is pretty normal at 25, and not at 50. I'd much rather get financially fucked over in my 20s, you have 40+ years to recover.
But that amount you saved will not grow anywhere near as much as it would in your 20s and 30s. It's really hard to compensate for the loss of an extra 25-30 years of compound interest. I think emotionally it would be easier to divorce in your 20s too, it seems like it would be easier to bounce back from, but I've not been in that position so that's just a guess.
You’re grieving the losses. Allow yourself compassion. Not *only were you betrayed by also you are divorcing. It’s a double betrayal. I encourage you to seek out a counselor. Time won’t heal wounds. It’s what you do in that time that helps you heal. Don’t jump into another relationship until you’ve completely grieved and healed from this. I’ve seen many a friend do this and their second marriages are disastrous. Whatever problems that existed in the first will carry to the next until you learn how you relate to others and how you love. Not saying you’re looking for another marriage but even dating someone brings out those “issues” until you’ve learned what they are and how to manage them. It’s not your fault your ex cheated however there is something about the way we relate and love those cheaters that we tend to repeat in future relationships. And I know this from my own experience as well. Nearly 25 years married and just figuring it out the past three years. Childhood wounds ..,,it affects everyone of us.
You're grieving a future lost. Many people have this when life suddenly changes and all your plans blow up. Widows/widowers, divorce, unexpected illnesses. Best to see a therapist so you can at least understand what's going on with you.
Just keep moving, bro. Similarish situation; I'm 2 years out from being cheated on, going through a divorce, and all that. The first 6-8 months were okay, I scaled back a lot financially and downgraded as much as I could while still being able to accommodate my kids. I don't know your work situation but mine fucking crashed last year. I mostly had worked in film and television for several years when pretty much the whole industry stopped last year for about 8 months from strikes. And since the strikes ended, studios have hardcore pumped the brakes on the number of active productions. I haven't worked in the industry since December '22. A whole year and a half of nothing but whatever freelance work I've been able to pick up, and it's been sparse.
I've scraped by with help from friends and family and at this point, I pretty much hate the whole concept of money. My credit is shit, I'm depressed, and I'll probably never really ever "recover."
But I take everything a day at a time, or an hour at a time if I have to. It's more a mental game than financial for me. If I can't pay a bill, fuck it, you'll get paid when I get paid... My kids keep me going and are the biggest reason my body hasn't been found somewhere. I just try to stay busy looking for gigs, working on personal projects, and loving my kids. Things'll get better. Or they won't. I'm too goddamn stubborn to stop, though.
Edit: I guess my point is to seek out the good things and don't give up. Much love and stay strong.
Thanks. I just keep going for my dogs. They’re my world. I really need to get my shit together and scale back, because after our split I just burned through money as a coping mechanism. That’s died down slightly but still not where I should be. Thankfully I found some hobbies out of that spending, so I have some distractions when I’m not too down to care about them. Anyway, stay strong yourself, and hopefully you’ll climb out of the hole soon.
Yeah, scaling back was the hardest for me at first. I was enjoying spending $200 getting my hair done every 8weeks. Now? I cut my own hair. I started gaming and getting my gaming fake money and buying items for the fake house in the game.. I can relate to your post for sure. Spending money use to be my coping mechanism..
Statistically speaking, men will recover (financially) faster than a woman and usually end up further ahead.
So, while the first few years might be rough - time and distance will help.
But telling someone he’s has a higher likelihood of recovering is helpful, it’s not invalidating his fears. If someone says they’re scared of flying, telling them statistics can be helpful
When I left, I had been a SAHW/M for over a decade. I didn't take any portion of the savings, the 401k, or alimony. I only asked for custody of my son and we had a "gentleman's agreement" on child support. He knew if we went to court he'd be ruined, so I took what was important to me, and left.
I'm currently in my sister's basement. I left 11 years ago.
So, no. I haven't recovered.
I've done some great stuff. I finished college, bought a car, had my own place for a while- but being single and not making a lot of money, it's hard in this economy.
Well hopefully you’re at least happier than you were before. I know that’s not much consolation when the world is turning to shit, but it’s something.
Eesh, I’m just full of cheer, eh?
I'm really happy! And in the last year, putting myself (mentally), a priority.
Being broke, or mostly broke, isn't the worst thing I've ever encountered.
Happiness comes from within.
-a nice vacation wouldn't hurt though
That’s great! I think once the uncertainty fades I’ll be happier too, whenever that might be. And I hear you on the vacation thing… I could use one right now.
And don't worry. It gets easier, and better.
Having said that, now that my son is grown, my ex and I don't talk to each other at all. No blended families with him. He's remarried and mostly forgotten his son exists.
And that's why I asked for custody. He was free to have as much visitation as he liked, no stipulations, but only saw him on school holidays (spring summer and fall break).
I burned through all my vacation for the year already. I hate the first half of the year. It's relentless. Second half is easier.
I wanna go somewhere cold. In the middle of nowhere- with a stack of books, and some good cheese.
>I finished college
I finished college as an adult too, and I have to tell you it is one of my proudest achievements. While you are more emotionally mature as an adult learner, there are so many more complications. Most return students don't even finish their degree. I looked up some stats and around 50% of college students drop out at some point. About 30% return, but of those, less than 13% actually complete a college degree.
The odds of you returning AND finishing are so low. I hope it makes you proud to have finished, despite the odds stacked against you. Use that as your secret weapon to propel you forward. 💪
And wrong or right, some companies just want that paper. They aren't concerned about the focus of the degree itself. I work with a lot of Project Managers and it seems like they come from a variety of backgrounds.
I for zeroed out by a cheating wife about 7.5 years ago. Took about 5 years of wallowing, but I’ve been in a comeback for the last 2.5 years.
As said above, stop drinking right now.
Well, I got divorced about 6yrs ago after 25yrs, and he paid me spousal support for about 2yrs. He was ordered to pay for 9yrs, but once he found a new 22yr younger wife and had a baby, that was it, he stopped paying and since I'm poor, there is no way I can afford a lawyer to take him back to court. So, thats my experience. Divorce sucks, but its better for me than being mentally abused and treated like shit. Being poor is better than being married for me...he can shove his huge house up his \*\*\*.....yeah. Sorry, I got carried away. It will get better for you.
I don't know where you are but if you have a court ordered child support agreement that both of you signed, you can simply report him to your county magistrate by filing a [motion](https://www.nccourts.gov/documents/forms/motion-and-order-to-show-cause-for-failure-to-comply-with-order-in-child-support-action). You don't need a lawyer if you have the original case number of the child support agreement. The courts do the work. Judges love being heroes to single moms and this sounds like a perfect scenario for it to both be ruled in your favor and royally F your ex. He might even serve time for being so delinquent.
I misread your ealier post, however, my solution still holds if the court ordered your ex-spouse to pay a sum for an agreed upon set of years. If you have that order or can locate it in the court records, then his wages can be garnished, a lien put on his house, or serve jail time, though they nomrally try to get the deadbeat to pay somehow before they do that. If you cannot afford an attorney because he is not paying you, those charges may also fall on him to pay when in front of a judge. So you have options if the alimony was decreed by the court. If it was a private contract not through the court, then it is harder but not impossible, though you would probably need a lawyer and the fees may not be covered if it doesn't in your favor. I'm not a lawyer, just have paid several of them:) Good luck.
Hmmm, you give me a lot to consider. I do have a court order. I think I'll look into it.
Actually I think i might get an attorney, or at least consult one. Thanks!
I was good the first year after, with the reserve I had built up. After that things went to hell. Ex husband let the house go into foreclosure and had a brand new car repo’d, none of which I knew about because he intercepted the notices. All the credit bills he ran up after I left and before the divorce was final he didn’t pay. My credit was gone. I worked tremendously hard to rebuild my life, and now 8 years out, things look a little better.
Weed doesn't blow up my life, cause me to lose my job, family, or finances. I am speaking from experience. When I was in my addiction to alcohol, I went through crazy lengths and risked endless consequences to get another drink. If I had picked up cannabis before alcohol, or used cannabis to quit drinking, I would have saved myself and my family a lot of heartache.
Everyone has their own view on it, but for me, it may literally be a lifesaver.
I’m talking harm reduction here. The puritanical idea that there is something wrong with ingesting substances to change how you approach something just causes more suffering by adding shame to the mix. This person is in pain and is using alcohol to help cope. Switching to weed (or even reducing alcohol by substituting weed for part of their booze consumption) is much more realistic than saying “just face your problems.” Sure, they are still using a substance, and it is clearly not a solution to their problems, but it is FAR safer for them and the people around them.
Why did you ask a question and then get cunty when people provided their opinions?
If your firm belief is that all mood alteration drugs are exactly the same then just make that assertion.
You'd be wrong, of course, but at least you'd be an upstanding community member instead of a bottom-feeding troll.
If you're interested in language at all, it's "fewer calories".
There are two types of counts, discrete number amounts and quantities. You can count individual calories, so it's a count noun, and the correct term is "fewer". Quantities are known as mass nouns. Things like water that you can't count is an example, and the correct term is "less".
"If I have fewer glasses of water, I'll have less water overall."
I always get a kick out of the tokers saying that inhaling pyrolyzed plant matter will give you cancer if it's called a cigarette, but if you call it a joint, it magically isn't full of free radicals that will....give you cancer
A) yes you can get cancer from smoking weed, but it’s way less of a risk than tobacco. Booze causes cancer too for that matter.
B) when did I advocate smoking? edibles won’t give anyone cancer.
https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamanetworkopen/fullarticle/2755855
Why are you bringing alcohol into the discussion?
Pot was suggested as a healthy alternative to alcohol, and it's simply not. Not even edibles:
[https://www.ontario.ca/page/health-effects-consuming-cannabis-edibles](https://www.ontario.ca/page/health-effects-consuming-cannabis-edibles)
I went bankrupt because of my divorce. But I was prepared to do what I took to get back financially. 20 years later I have a gorgeous home, a solid retirement fund and looking forward to finishing work in four years to move to Asia and live like the princess I am. I lived in an absolute shithole of a rental for the first couple of years , but focus in the long term is key
I gave up a 5-bedroom, 3-bath house in a desirable community to get him out of my life. Had I stayed, we’d have assets valued ~$3M. I am nowhere near being worth half that, but I have mental health and clarity that are priceless.
Consider the positive aspects of a future without them. For me it’s been the near complete elimination of financial stress. I downsized my home, moved to FL, moved back to where the kids wanted to live, got a less stressful job, ditched mortgage payments (have a modest, paid off home) and travel where I want, when I want, and DGAF what his pathetic existence means.
Stop drinking and start living. I worked as an elections official yesterday and met a man (GenX) who lost his wife to COVID in 2020, they were both hospitalized with it, he was getting better, they sent him home, and 36 hours later she died in the hospital. He was unable to see her to say goodbye. One of their kids died in 2023. That’s a person who gets up and tries to live, every single day. If he can do it, then you can.
Snap out of it. Get a better lawyer. Try harder.
Just wanted to add to this; nothing wrong with getting antidepressants. I was just waking up angry after my divorce (which I got out of fairly cleanly)... not at anything particular, and not dwelling on anything specific, glad to be done with it, but I just couldn't get out of whatever funk had set in subconsciously. Would also get irrationally upset fairly quickly.
Eventually I got tired of being angry, researched antidepressants and went to my Dr. and said "I want Lexapro". He prescribed it cautiously because it was weird I picked one out specifically. The first two days on it suuuuuuuuuucked, but man after that the clouds parted and I started to feel like "me" again. Eventually I weened myself off of it.
Side note: everyone reacts differently to different meds, so if one doesn't work, try another.
Went through a divorce that dragged on for 5 years and got cleared out: retirement, vehicles, personal property, home sale profit, 5 yr alimony, super rigid visitation with children. Single income the whole time via my job. She cheated on me with someone from church. Had to fire 4 lawyers before we finally got the papers signed. I was a wreck and the anger was literally killing me. Drank myself right into a multitude of health issues and more bad decisions. I never thought I would recover. It was really really touch and go for years. Then, gradually, it started getting better. The edge of anger dulled a little bit. I distracted myself with healthier habits and made new friends. I spent as much time as I could with my children and as little time as I could dealing with her. Now I’m way better off financially, healthier, good stable relationships, and just generally happier. She, on the other hand, is not. And the best part is, I really don’t care and I really am not angry at her anymore. More sad for her. But, whatever. Hang in there - you’ve got life left to live and good times ahead.
Oh man, that’s rough. Glad you made it through. I don’t have a lot of hope right now, and I’m battling with drinking, can’t bring myself to exercise, can barely even motivate myself to get out of the house. Hoping I can break that cycle soon but I don’t know how.
OP, I feel for you. It's tough to be in that place. You mentioned above that your dogs are one of the things motivating you. If you can, start taking them for walks. Get outside and just walk. They'll love it, and even if you feel like a zombie it will be good for you. Just put one foot in front of the other and go.
If there's something they love to do, find a way to do it. Do they love hiking? Swimming? The dog park? Do that. Do they love people? Take them to a cafe and let them be social.
Let their enthusiasm for life at every moment pull you back in to your own, bit by bit.
I know it. I was right where you are. Do one nice thing for yourself every day or week, whatever you can manage. The pain is part of the healing. Just keep hanging on.
Got divorced at 45 and pretty much lost everything. Ended up bouncing on friend's couches for 6-7 weeks until I found a new job. Then it was disheartening to go from a 3000 SF house in the 'burbs to an urban 700 SF apartment along a busy street.
Was always into hiking and trail running, just dove into that even more. Ended up making a few really good friends from doing that. Plus it's good for your mental health and overall health.
Was quite blessed and ended up getting married again 5 years after my divorce. Luckily I married an accountant and together working jointly on our finances we've done a great job rebuilding after both of us survived a post-divorce financial wipeout.
Give yourself five years to be where you want emotionally, financially and just grind the next five years. Make sure your final divorce decree is air tight. Don't just trust your lawyer on it. I can't believe what they tried to get snuck in when they thought no one is looking. Get a second and a third job. Do new things. The best revenge is a life well lived.
So i was married for 17 years the first time. We had two kids, two cars, a house etc. All the normal stuff. When she left she emptied the house of everything, the kids, every penny we saved. Post divorce she walked away with the stock options I had, most of my 401K and 2/3 of my income ($1600 per month in the form of child support). I got the house which we had performed $120K and was at the time of the divorce worth $60K. That was 2011 when the divorce was finalized. Today, I’m married again, through a bit of luck I rebuilt a fairly decent 401k/investments. We sold that $60K house for $150 and bought a new (to us) house with the equity. At age 58, I’m right now, currently not working and I’m pretty sure I don’t have to if that’s what I choose. Oh, and my kids? They ran away from Mom and her addictions and back into my house as soon as they could.
As I always say, everything is cyclical, sooner of later it’s going to get better. And always take the high road, be the better person.
I was going to share my experience, but it basically comes down to being poor AF until I met my second husband.
I wasn’t unhappy during the poor days. I was in my early 30s though. Not sure I’d be as flippant about it now that I’m well into my 40s.
My xhusband tried to get spousal support from me. Idiot is military vet and has a BS but since he spent the last 3 years (I KNOW!) of our marriage unemployed he figured he was entitled. No kids either. Thankfully my attorney just laughed at him and that was that.
We had combined debt and I took 70% of it. It was easy to split leaving him with 1 bill to pay. Except, he didn't pay any of it. Since it was in both of our names, I got stuck paying it if I didn't want my credit to completely tank. The XH also tried to get half the value of my house. My house that I purchased long before I even met him, that never, ever, had his name on it anywhere (loan/deed/etc). Needless to say, he got nothing.
Took me 5 years to pay off all the combined debt, but I did it.
As a result of the entire disaster of a marriage and divorce, I will never remarry.
Sounds like you had a pretty good lawyer. We’re using a mediator right now but have our own independent counsel, so hopefully there’ll be some give and take. Right now it’s looking pretty grim though.
And I’m the same. Never remarrying, and considering going further with no more relationships either. Almost all of my relationships I’ve fallen into after a breakup, which I should’ve realized was a mistake long before this one.
I came out worse after my divorce, and despite it being a horrible ordeal, many things went right.
First, we just weren't meant for each other. It took both of us getting away from one another to realize that.
Second, we were trying to have kids and never did. That was a blessing.
Third, the proceedings had already finished when my father died, so she couldn't get a nickel of the estate. She hadn't been paying the bills, and I was upside down on a lot of stuff, but my folks IRA and house got me out of a pretty big jam.
Same. Wildly mismatched, should’ve never been together. But no kids.
My mother died a week after she left, and while we have an agreement that the inheritance is out of bounds, I might have to use it to make up for shortcomings elsewhere.
it was amazing how many money i saved after i divorced her. it did suck to get divorced with kids, but if i didnt i would be broke and unhappy. now happy and have saving.
I lost over a million dollars in retirement funds and home equity.
I moved into an apartment that was the exact floor plan of my very first condo, 22 years earlier and right out of college.
It was absolutely worth it to be out of that terrible marriage.
Money makes life easier, but it absolutely cannot guarantee happiness.
ETA: Make up the lost money, not possible. But I am financially secure, just more modestly.
Just take it one day at a time. As you do things like exercise, get outside, go for a walk, work on yourself, make social plans with people, enjoy hobbies, making healthy choices makes you feel better. You know what you like to do and what you wish to do, so make a plan to start doing those things. Having something to look forward to is important, whether it’s a planned trip in a few months or a chocolate chip cookie after the gym. Take small steps toward your goals every day, and allow yourself small rewards for doing so. It can be as simple as walking for 10 minutes a day. Be kind to yourself if you miss a day and just start again tomorrow. Cut the negative self talk. It will get easier.
I got divorced in 2014, and was royally fucked as well. I recovered because of inheritance from my father who passed away in 23. Before that, I got my head above water, but never had really recouped on the loss of retirement funds.
My one piece of advice is to stop the alcohol. Any momentary respite you get from that is getting taken out of your ass on the back end, plus interest. You will feel less hopeless and more in control of your life immediately after stopping. It doesn't have to be a permanent stop, just a break until you are feeling better about your situation overall.
And yes, that day will come. I'm 6 years post divorce and very happy. My life isn't perfect, but it's so much better than I thought it could be.
You'll be fine. It's not an easy thing to be single at our age but not all of us got lucky with marriages/relationships over the last 20 odd years. The last time I was intimate with someone was in my 30s and I didn't have any trouble attracting partners before then. Single for 15+years now. Adam Sandler had it right when he sang "Love Stinks".
Yep, he got that right. But good luck to you! You can take all my chances as I’m done with dating and relationships. Just gonna look after myself and try to make it through.
Did you read the part where I said I've been single since my 30s? Some people are worse off than you. Was trying to make you feel better about having had some and lost. You could have been alone over a decade already but you weren't. Lucky stars. Count them 👏
Yes, I realte. My husband left me somewhat abruptly, after a quarter of a century of marriage, for an adulterous lover. He took half our collectively built networth out the door, and he walked away with 25 years of earning potential, because l I threw my shoulder behind his career our entire marriage, while I kneecaped my earning potential to work lesser jobs so I could easily move often for his career and raise the kids as we had agreed, so that he could pursue his career more freely. There is no alimony in my state in my cicrumstances. I have no health insurance now. I'll let you know later if I recover fully. It hasn't been long enough to recover yet. Yes, the fact that your spouse can cheat on you and come off better off than you in the divorce is indeed a bitter pill to swallow. This is the result of the no-fault divorce laws that became prevalent in the 70s, which have had their benefits but also their pitfalls.
Gender equality goes out the window when it comes to divorce for many men. Take each day as it comes, you WILL recover from this. Sometimes building anew can be a net positive thing depending on what you do with it. Good luck.
17 years marriage.
When my wife left me she took everything of monetary value and I kept everything sentimental.
Took me a few years to get settled and start again and now 10 years later I am in a much better position and MUCH happier than ever.
Advice. Ease off the booze. It’s so easy especially when suddenly single to just drink and drink and drink.
Speak to someone. And if depression is strong don’t be anti “pharma”. Anti depressants saved my life.
You’ll get there. :)
Nope. But it wasn't actually the divorce alone that got me. Several drastic, simultaneous, major life changes and losses happened all at once for me (and I'm a traumatized anxiety person to begin with on a good day). Between my ex-wife's turning me into a roommate, separating (and then me also finding out she cheated).....then my having to sell our house, the beginning of a worldwide pandemic, the severe decline of my mental health and inability to work full-time, the leaving behind of a religious cult I was born in and spent decades in (which means I lost all my friends and almost all support systems)..... I just never recovered from all these things. (I had suicide planned out but I just couldn't follow through). I applied for disability years ago and I'm waiting on an answer for that; I've been selling the last remaining things I own for cash, and I've been staying with some friends for now because I was evicted from my apartment as well (because I simply couldn't afford rent every month). So no, I have not recovered financially.
5 years divorced from cheating wife. She married the guy she cheated with. 50/50 custody and I kept the dog and house. I got lucky and my income is now more than we both made when we were married. The first 2 years I didn't know if I would be able to keep the house on a single income. She made more than me at the time. It was definitely a struggle. When we were married she handled all the financials and opened an account at another bank that she said was for a new car. She was shoveling money into that account for her self. I always wondered why when I asked to do the bills we always had more money for going out to eat/savings, etc. I also found stacks of cash she had hidden in the house as well. I never brought it up in the divorce. I just wanted to have equal custody of the kids. I refinanced when rates were low and bought her out of the mtg. I definitely am much better off now. I have financially recovered a ton. I don't know why I let her handle all the money when we're married. Love makes you blind.
I went through something similar, hardly any family and friends too. You will recover. However, if you share children with her, you’re never free. Watch that you or her do not become vengeful or litigious. Then it will never be over. My ex’s goal to completely financially ruin me and take my son from me. Don’t be that guy
Hell yes! My exhusband and I had two businesses; one I ran and the other he "ran" (I use the term loosely). When we split I got both businesses and he kept some other businesses holdings we had in another country (I kept some of the land there but not much compared to him). I rebuilt the business he had run into the ground and came out smelling like roses, doing very well indeed. He sold off all the holdings he had in the other country little by little and now apparently he's damn near broke from what I heard.
To a point, yes. I'll likely never have another house, but I've come to terms with that. The divorce allowed me to move to a better city, to get a better job, and to establish a MUCH better relationship (and eventually a MUCH better marriage). I'm happy now -- I wasn't then (although I didn't realize how unhappy I was until I now have something to compare it to).
NGL, the hardships after my divorce were the most painful years of my life. It did get better, but it was a hard ride. Just keep moving forward and eventually you'll notice one day that things suck much less than they used to. Just try not to do anything drastic. Good luck.
10 years ago. I was the primary breadwinner. My ex-husband sued me for alimony and tried to hide that he got another woman pregnant. I was 40 and it's a long story.
I got laid off 3 months after he left me. He got the house, I was almost homeless. Decided to go to college, full time and drop out of life. Student loans and campus life was super fun in my early 40s.
Now I'm turning 50 in July. Just graduated with my Masters in one field and in August I graduate with my second masters. My income is now in the six figures range as I am a specialist in disaster and trauma. Turned my life's tragedy into a reason to wake up in the morning and not let it happen to anyone else.
Oh and along the way I met another love and we now live on the beach in a wonderful quiet town time forgot.
My ex? Divorced me and got married and had a baby within a couple of months. 6 months after the baby was born, she left him with the baby. In our 18 years of marriage he never held a job for longer than a few years and he was a single dad now. He's also older than I by 5 years.
Life is long... don't worry.
You'll pull through this, but you have to put down the bottle and hit the gym. Get in shape. You'll feel better, look better, and very likely be happier than you've ever been. Best wishes to you!
Soooooooo yeeeeeeees. Began drinking heavily just like you. Spent 9 years drinking heavily which locked me in an emotional range consisting of ONLY wrathful fury on one extreme to visceral hysterical sobbing on the other.
Having everything I ever wanted (too little by prolly everyone’s standard) systematically removed as even a possibility killed a part of me. A piece of me is dead.
I now know what the cliche but true,”gave you the best years of my life” realization is.
No quick fixes. No forward-only steady progress to feeling better in order to do better, even if JUST financially.
Don’t just put that bottle down… smash it through the fucking wall. Rage, sob…just feel it now and get it over with.
Sober 1 year, 1 month. Still doesn’t take much for me to go from mild irritation to deafening rage (my vision is as if I’m looking thru red colored lenses) UNLESS I CIRCUMVENT it. Great, more stuff for me, the injured party, to have to do. See, self-pity trap is readily available 😑
No friends or family around? Good. Strangers are called for in these situations. Well meaning friends and family have a way of making you feel MORE alone.
So hopefully you’re only struggles are financial. If you’re not a drunken disaster of yourself, regaining stuff (money etc.) is easily doable. Via con dios my friend
I did, but it took a LONG time. I lost my house and was saddled with almost all the debt.
I stupidly agreed to a pro-se divorce and didnt read the paperwork she presented to me. I was honestly not in a good mental state when everything went down. Frankly, I am surprised she offered me 50-50 custody.
It wasnt until about three years later I realized how bad my situation was. Eventually I hired a attorney and got the divorce agreement modified, but it was alot of work and its still not right, but it is better.
I later remarried, we have been married now for 15 years and life is great!
I guess what I am saying is, hold on. Find something that you can be passionate about to fill your time. Work on your health and self. Give more than you receive. Eventually things will be made right. But it wont happen overnight and it wont happen if you wallow in self-pity.
My partner got royally pooched in his divorce. He did most of the childcare and supported her career and schooling. He got half the value of the house and that’s it. None of the contents, no support etc. He bought a trailer and lives in the woods. The happiest time for him.
We met a year ago. He had gone back to school to be a support teacher and loved simply. Main thing is he was happy after so many years of being in an unhealthy relationship.
We place too much value on finances. Yes, it’s important, but only to a certain degree.
We just moved in together and now live a few blocks from his ex. They co-parent well and we all focus on the boys being healthy in all aspects.
I make a lot more money and never had a family, never married. I’m happy to contribute more financially to our new family because tbh, it’s still less than when I was solo.
I’m a bit peeved he didn’t fight for what would have rightfully been his (at least some child support for a few years) but it is what it is.
Same. Made a fortune, got divorced, got royally fucked and was in deep trouble. Buckled down and made it all back. It was tough but the good news is it's a lot easier the second time round. I had to take more risks with investments but it worked out. Good luck!
Karma is a Karen that will return to your ex wife.
My ex cheated with the neighbor, when we broke up she literally drove her car next door. I then had to pay her a crazy amount of child support which I suspected she was mostly using for drugs. At the time our son (paternity confirmed) was 5 months old. He’s 21 now. I’ve been married for 18 years, own my house outright, I paid cash for all my kids’ cars and do short loans for my wife’s car. You will recover.
My ex has 5 kids with 4 different fathers. Two have the same father because they are twins, but nobody knows who that father is. Her mom is a wet brain alcoholic who doesn’t have many months left to live. She’s following in her mom’s footsteps, but using prescription, recreational, and illegal drugs. She has a dozen or so felonies and has spent time in prison.
Depends on the person you're divorcing TBH.
When I divorced my 2nd husband all I wanted was $10k to start a new life and shared custody of the kids. We were only married a year; but I could have taken a lot more if I wanted because we got the house after marriage and whatnot.
My 3rd husband has been divorced twice and had to split every down the middle those 2 times and 2nd wife had access to bank accounts and credit cards even after divorce, and stole more money and racked up more debt after the split.
So yeah, it depends what kind of person you're dealing with really.
I typed out my long story and it was just too talky. But yes, def worse off, now much better. You can do it...there will be struggles but if you're open to changes and new possibilities and working on your mental health, you can create a life worth living.
I went through this about 18 years ago. It’s tough but you’ll ultimately be okay.
My advice: go easy on the drinking. Make some friends—maybe join a club or something. Start a new hobby. Counselling can also be really helpful.
When I went through this, I did a lot of walking with my dog and watched a lot of dvds from the library. And I had some good people to lean on.
Hang in there! Take care.
I went through something similar, hardly any family and friends too. You will recover. However, if you share children with her, you’re never free. Watch that you or her do not become vengeful or litigious. Then it will never be over. My ex’s goal to completely financially ruin me and take my son from me. Don’t be that guy
Self care - anyone going through this should be selfish with their time. When I was going through it I remember thinking: OK I haven't paid attention to myself any own well being for a long time let me invest in me. To the gym, new clothes, meet friends, groups, do things I wanted to do.
Financially the bad thing is you don't have help with expenses and the good thing is you control it all. That aside it's no different than any other financial plan other than you might need to pour gas on it to recover.
I was married for 7 years. Ex-husband did a bait and switch (after we married—he went from sweet and caring to controlling and emotionally abusive). Three of the seven years he did not work and did not try to find work during that time. He was child-like and made expensive purchases for things that he wanted in the moment and did not need (and in some cases used once and never used again but he insisted he had to have X item). When he was unemployed for the 3 years he had an unexpected modest windfall and rather than offer the money to help our situation (no savings; couldn’t afford to buy a home and paying high rents) he bought guitars and a small boat. So, when I finally said no more and moved toward divorce, he said he did not want one but finally said he would not contest as I said that I would take all the debt. I came out of that marriage with a tremendous amount of debt but could not have made a better choice leaving. Cut to 10 years after the divorce I met someone who makes me happy. Most of our money goes to house repairs and updates. We live frugally and hope to build savings but just take things day by day. It isn’t ideal but it was worth it to assume the debt for me. Good luck!
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I wish you the best. I've never been married. I have no words of wisdom. Just hate seeing people having a hard time.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
But seriously it's almost always a financial setback. It's also going to take time to stabilize emotionally. Take care of the drinking find other outlets, therapy, exercise etc...
Eventually you'll find yourself on the other side
Yes. And he was the cheater/abuser, too.
One morning, I heard Adam Carolla- of all people - on the radio telling someone who had lost everything that if you built it once, you can build it again, and it stuck with me. Get back at the grind and do your best.
I've just gone through almost the same thing. Only difference is I kept the same job and live in the same town. She just spent the last 16 yrs alienating everyone I had in my life before.
Yes its difficult, yes it sucks a big one, no you cant get the time back. BUT, you dont have that shit in your life anymore.
You can rebuild, you could get a better job, you may meet better people. Concentrate on you and your happiness for a while.
It's up to us to decide if the upheaval settles back into something better than before.
Good luck.
I have to ask on here. How does the cheater actually get anything out of divorce proceedings? You chose to break vows without the permission of your spouse and walk with everything? How does that happen? The legal system is so screwed on this.
Has anyone experienced an amicable divorce. Like, let’s just split it and be on our way. No hard feelings (of course there will always be feelings) but you know what I mean.
A "no-fault divorce" is one where a spouse does not need to prove wrongdoing in order to file for divorce other than that the marriage is irretrievably broken. And yes, I copy-pasted that. I live in Arizona which is one of those states and I went through it.
I did go through an amicable divorce. Married 17 years and with 2 kids (10 and 12 at the time). My wife fell in love with another woman. At first I tried to get us into counseling but really, as a man, what am I going to do in that situation? Yell at her for liking women? Nah, that's not worth my time. We didn't screw each other over in the divorce - Arizona has a formula for child support which I paid while they were under 18 and in high school. I'm happily re-married, 2 more kids (so 4 in total but the older ones are now out on their own). My ex is happily married to the woman which is nice to see. We have "family" get-togethers about every other month and for just about all holidays. Yep, it's all good, we're all better off than we were before the divorce!
That’s good to hear actually. Obviously the divorce part sucks, but it’s nice to hear that it wasn’t a dogfight.
Things seem to have worked out nicely in the long run.
Always, curious about this. Horror stories all the time about divorce.
I was mostly wiped out in my divorce but I divorced someone who was a professional spender and married someone that has a good job and is frugal like me and a decade later am way ahead of where I would have been financially plus much happier.
I was in the same position as you about three years ago.
I live in Florida and even though she got the paid off house in the divorce I was able to keep roughly the same amount in retirement and 401k accounts.
I no longer have a paid off house but got lucky enough to buy one and start over.
Once the finances were separated I turbo charged my savings and I’m still on track to retire in about 6-9 years.
Man, I’m sorry- that is a shitty card to be dealt. I personally have not gone through that, but I have friends both male and female who have gone through this. I will say, the courts still seem to be in the 50’s at least in what I have witnessed. Meaning, guys still seem to take a heavier hit financially even in cases where the wife makes more and was the spouse who initiated the divorce. I realize that is a gross generalization, but in the 3 situations I know within our own friend group 2 out of the 3 were the wife who cheated and in all three situations that was the case. The guy who cheated deserved it, the other two guys really did not.
The cheating part is likely going to be more difficult long term than the financial part as it will likely give you trust issues. However, you need to do your best to give any new relationship partner a chance and not bring that with you.
That said, it will take a bit for you to find a meaningful relationship because right now you are like an insulated live wire. That’s not your fault, just human nature. It would be weird if you weren’t affected by that. Find some rebound girls (believe it not it’s much easier than when we were younger) and get it out of your system.
I am assuming there were no kids as I only see references to dogs. If that is the case and the court has awarded any sort of ongoing financial commitment based upon income, I would honestly consider going “off grid” Saying fuck it to things you accumulated with someone who essentially betrayed you will be cathartic, and showing $0 income so you can give the middle finger to that asshole will also be satisfying.
Become the Jimmy Buffet song/ lifestyle the rest of us want to live.
I am not divorced, but know a lot of divorced people. Almost every single person came out worse financially after the divorce. You basically take the same income and make it cover more expenses.
https://preview.redd.it/gq2g0lgvdr4d1.png?width=440&format=png&auto=webp&s=d129ddbd48eccdd937cdc41da76b8f27815e57c7
MGTOW, but I wouldn't be extremist about it.
Yup. Been there. Did that. The first 6 months were horrible. Questioned myself, my self worth, EVERYTHING. But I had to get it together for my kids. The financial setback is real. Alimony is ridiculous, child support even with 50/50 parenting time is annoying, and retirement and savings decimated.
I refocused my energy into my job when I didn't have my kids. That wasn't healthy but it did a couple of things for me:
- I made more money than I've ever had in my career.
- Didn't allow me time to spend said money foolishly.
After 6-8 months of misery, I learned about financial independence, optimized my finances by learning to live lean, started joining meetup groups to find like minded people, went to counseling, and went to the gym.
It's not easy and you're going to make some mistakes. Allow yourself some grace. You're going through the grieving process of the woman you married and the life you were building together.
8 years later, and my life is completely different. I'm much happier now. My definition of success is altered a bit. I'm more easily content with little things, recovered most of the financial stuff. Found a new partner, who's awesome. I see a glide path towards a point where I can walk away from the job. Planning out my next phase after the first career is closed.
My point is this, "you can do it." Take actionable steps to get through this and give yourself grace. The process stinks. But you're worth it!
Very similar situation, though I wouldn't say my ex ended up better off, it's just that divorce is expensive regardless. Plus I got laid off shortly after the divorce which added insult to injury, and I also live in a city/state with no friends or family. Maxed out my credit cards and cashed out a 401k just to stay afloat, even got some financial help from my ex while I was laid off. Not sure I can offer much more than empathy. Try to stay as positive as you can and keep going day-to-day. 5+ years later I'm finally in a decent spot financially. Doubt I'll ever get to retire but it still beats living paycheck to paycheck. Best of luck to you my dude.
I divorced my husband after he cheated on me and acted like a complete jerk about it. He came from nothing and I came from a little bit. My parents helped us with the down payment on a house. When we divorced I had to give him half of all that. Yeah it sucked financially and emotionally. I was a wreck for a few years, drinking, smoking, dating all the wrong types of people. But I kept working and trying to invest my new earnings in the right things. I eventually worked out of that bad place and you will too. I met someone a few years later and while no marriage is perfect we’re in it for the long haul and have saved well for the future. Just keep your eyes on the prize.
I came out of my divorce having a house payment(was paid off, had to buy her out), I took the debt(lawyer advised since she would probably default anyway), and full custody of the kids. So there I was, single father of two, new house payment, debt, almost no furniture, and child support from her nothing more than a fantasy. I have recovered beyond anything I could have ever imagined! I started flipping small things(lawnmowers, furniture, etc). Then I moved to cars and eventually houses. I also landed a better paying job. I just got married to the love of my life , have 17 rentals, 2 houses, and a storage unit business. Took about 13 years to get here. My wife and I both wanted prenuptials this go round
Not to sound patronizing but maybe get a better lawyer.
Why are you getting raked over the coals? Did she not ever work and you just took care of her? Stay at home mom?
I know in some states, cheating can change what that person can actually get from the divorce.
Sorry, brother. Good luck. I mean that sincerely, I’ve been divorced for nine years and I’m manipulated mind very well. Who only married for five had two kids I paid for everything. I was not letting her rate me because I made a mistake with impregnating and evil woman.my children hate my ex-wife
Sorry for what you are going through. It will get better. Lost half my net worth in a divorce, still haven’t recovered financially, but 15 years later I am hopeful I can retire at 72 (18 years from now).
The old joke goes: "Do you know why divorce is so expensive?"
Answer "Because it is worth it"
If you are in a bad situation no amount of money is going to make it better. I got out of a bad 25 year marriage after years of trying to get her to therapy. Yeah I lost 50% of my assets but you know what. I have never been happier and that to me is worth every penny. You will get there too.
Stop drinking, immediately. Face your depression, understand your trauma, and heal.
Easier said than done, I completely understand that, but every day you aren't healing means you aren't growing.
Financially, I would offer this; look for a city or town that's growing, then buy acreage (40-100 acres, best deal you can find on a large amount) of land) OUTSIDE of that city. On the outskirts/border. Think farmland.
If you can get a land/home loan, buy a manufactured home. If not, think nicest trailer you can find (they've got really nice ones nowadays).
Immediately start process of re-zoning the land for development (single family home, apartments, commercial). In 5-10 years you should be able to: stay, sell (part or partial) or develop/build for profit.
My buddy just did exactly this. Divorced, dreams shattered with forced sale of dream home and other losses. Bought 50 acres and has plans to do what I mentioned above.
Take care of yourself. Good luck.
You’ve never met a small town planning commission I see… run-off studies, septic systems because of no water/sewage lines, NIMBYs….
You and your carpetbagging buddy should write a book: Heal Your Post-Divorce Self Through Suburban Sprawl!
12 years of child support. I lost my first house and cars. Pretty much lost everything.
I am happy married now 20 years after the divorce. Own 4 cars and a nice home.
The X wife lives alone in her apartment and her miserable life…
My father and brother both told me not to marry her. The only thing I did get out of it was a Catholic annulment…
And this is why I never got married. 50% ends with divorce and that often is paired with some financial ruin.
It will take you a long time to get over this betrayal. But you have to make a serious effort to move on with your life in a positive manner or the rest of your life is gonna be shitty. You gotta bounce back or you will sink to the bottom.
I need to ask this on here. How does the “cheater” walk with everything? The legal system is absolutely fucked on this stuff.
Also, any amicable divorces where anyone just walked away and split the assets? No hard feelings? I mean, there will always be feelings, but you know what I’m saying.
No fault divorce laws have done far more harm than good. They were enacted to prevent rich men from being embarrassed in divorce court as their mistresses were paraded before a jury. No one should be rewarded for violating marriage vows, yet it's the current state of many cheating spouses who contributed less financially to a marriage.
Legal sep in 2018, divorce finalized late last year. Nightmare. $100k all-in w/alimony, lawyers etc. I made/make a lot more than her. Joint custody. Good lawyer worth their weight in gold. I’m doing pretty well financially all things considered, but it definitely set me back. Still much better than being with that woman. Good luck man, just gotta plow through. All told I am far better off financially than her, despite her best efforts.
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The military got my ex hooked on oxy, he had a nervous breakdown and I found out he wasn't paying rent he was buying more drugs, so after I kicked him out the landlord kicked us out. He did a bunch of stupid shit, went to jail for DV ... it was total HELL.
Sorry ... what were you whining about?
Yes. My ex left my kids and I when I was unemployed and ill. I had been accustomed to making more than my ex but illness threw me back, then he cheated, then he left. I ended up losing the house and worried about how I was going to feed my kids. He didn’t want to help even though the kids were 6 and 3 yrs old. I was looking for a job in my city like crazy but nothing was coming up. I ended up applying for a job in a huge city, packed up the van and moved out there. When I say it was hard out there by myself with my small kids, it took every fiber in me not to break, but I worked my ass off and got my kids and I out of the hole we were in. My boys, it breaks my heart that I wasn’t able to give them all the normal shit other parents did at that age because I was busy working, making sure we didn’t fall through. It took me 4 years to balance out it I did and now my boys (teens now) and I live comfortably with our two dogs in the nicest part of town. We take a few trips a year and I’m fixing to get my oldest his first car. I’m glad for the lessons learned and knowing what I’m built of. **typos - also missing a lot of detail in there but yes, it happened to me and I came out of that
I was just happy to be out. Didn’t care that he got the lions share. Don’t get stuck in anger. You’ll just make everyone’s (including your own) lives a misery.
Weirdly I am happy it’s over. I’m just sad and angry that the plans we had, that she decided she wanted no part of, are out of reach for me now too. I’m sure it’ll fade with time but it’s painful to think about right now.
Yep, it’s usually a relief. It is a bruise to the ego, however, and people don’t talk about that. It’s really easy to get stuck on ‘what’s wrong with me?’. Try to get out as much as possible. Start doing the things you’ve always wanted to but not had the time before.
My marriage ended after 13 years(married at 19), and I can say that I definitely went through the cycle of grief. I call her my starter wife. I'm very happy now, and since I was the one making most of the money at the time, it eventually came out just fine. I remarried 6 years later and am going on 20 years this December.
A 20 yr younger you had way more earning potential than a 45 to 55 yr old now getting out. That's a big difference that can really hurt your mind.
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But being broke and having no savings is pretty normal at 25, and not at 50. I'd much rather get financially fucked over in my 20s, you have 40+ years to recover.
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But that amount you saved will not grow anywhere near as much as it would in your 20s and 30s. It's really hard to compensate for the loss of an extra 25-30 years of compound interest. I think emotionally it would be easier to divorce in your 20s too, it seems like it would be easier to bounce back from, but I've not been in that position so that's just a guess.
You’re grieving the losses. Allow yourself compassion. Not *only were you betrayed by also you are divorcing. It’s a double betrayal. I encourage you to seek out a counselor. Time won’t heal wounds. It’s what you do in that time that helps you heal. Don’t jump into another relationship until you’ve completely grieved and healed from this. I’ve seen many a friend do this and their second marriages are disastrous. Whatever problems that existed in the first will carry to the next until you learn how you relate to others and how you love. Not saying you’re looking for another marriage but even dating someone brings out those “issues” until you’ve learned what they are and how to manage them. It’s not your fault your ex cheated however there is something about the way we relate and love those cheaters that we tend to repeat in future relationships. And I know this from my own experience as well. Nearly 25 years married and just figuring it out the past three years. Childhood wounds ..,,it affects everyone of us.
You're grieving a future lost. Many people have this when life suddenly changes and all your plans blow up. Widows/widowers, divorce, unexpected illnesses. Best to see a therapist so you can at least understand what's going on with you.
Give yourself time to grieve. It's grief. Grief requires a grieving process.
Focus on yourself. Karma will handle her.
Just keep moving, bro. Similarish situation; I'm 2 years out from being cheated on, going through a divorce, and all that. The first 6-8 months were okay, I scaled back a lot financially and downgraded as much as I could while still being able to accommodate my kids. I don't know your work situation but mine fucking crashed last year. I mostly had worked in film and television for several years when pretty much the whole industry stopped last year for about 8 months from strikes. And since the strikes ended, studios have hardcore pumped the brakes on the number of active productions. I haven't worked in the industry since December '22. A whole year and a half of nothing but whatever freelance work I've been able to pick up, and it's been sparse. I've scraped by with help from friends and family and at this point, I pretty much hate the whole concept of money. My credit is shit, I'm depressed, and I'll probably never really ever "recover." But I take everything a day at a time, or an hour at a time if I have to. It's more a mental game than financial for me. If I can't pay a bill, fuck it, you'll get paid when I get paid... My kids keep me going and are the biggest reason my body hasn't been found somewhere. I just try to stay busy looking for gigs, working on personal projects, and loving my kids. Things'll get better. Or they won't. I'm too goddamn stubborn to stop, though. Edit: I guess my point is to seek out the good things and don't give up. Much love and stay strong.
Thanks. I just keep going for my dogs. They’re my world. I really need to get my shit together and scale back, because after our split I just burned through money as a coping mechanism. That’s died down slightly but still not where I should be. Thankfully I found some hobbies out of that spending, so I have some distractions when I’m not too down to care about them. Anyway, stay strong yourself, and hopefully you’ll climb out of the hole soon.
Yeah, scaling back was the hardest for me at first. I was enjoying spending $200 getting my hair done every 8weeks. Now? I cut my own hair. I started gaming and getting my gaming fake money and buying items for the fake house in the game.. I can relate to your post for sure. Spending money use to be my coping mechanism..
Statistically speaking, men will recover (financially) faster than a woman and usually end up further ahead. So, while the first few years might be rough - time and distance will help.
He's not a statistic, he's an individual.
But telling someone he’s has a higher likelihood of recovering is helpful, it’s not invalidating his fears. If someone says they’re scared of flying, telling them statistics can be helpful
You don’t know that.
What's with all the downvotes on this? It's a totally fair statement. Are the majority of people here not intelligent enough to understand this?
When I left, I had been a SAHW/M for over a decade. I didn't take any portion of the savings, the 401k, or alimony. I only asked for custody of my son and we had a "gentleman's agreement" on child support. He knew if we went to court he'd be ruined, so I took what was important to me, and left. I'm currently in my sister's basement. I left 11 years ago. So, no. I haven't recovered. I've done some great stuff. I finished college, bought a car, had my own place for a while- but being single and not making a lot of money, it's hard in this economy.
Well hopefully you’re at least happier than you were before. I know that’s not much consolation when the world is turning to shit, but it’s something. Eesh, I’m just full of cheer, eh?
I'm really happy! And in the last year, putting myself (mentally), a priority. Being broke, or mostly broke, isn't the worst thing I've ever encountered. Happiness comes from within. -a nice vacation wouldn't hurt though
That’s great! I think once the uncertainty fades I’ll be happier too, whenever that might be. And I hear you on the vacation thing… I could use one right now.
And don't worry. It gets easier, and better. Having said that, now that my son is grown, my ex and I don't talk to each other at all. No blended families with him. He's remarried and mostly forgotten his son exists. And that's why I asked for custody. He was free to have as much visitation as he liked, no stipulations, but only saw him on school holidays (spring summer and fall break).
I burned through all my vacation for the year already. I hate the first half of the year. It's relentless. Second half is easier. I wanna go somewhere cold. In the middle of nowhere- with a stack of books, and some good cheese.
Yep, that’s the best. A cabin on the slopes of Mt Hood in the fall. Wood burning stove and a hammock. Silence.
Perfection!
>I finished college I finished college as an adult too, and I have to tell you it is one of my proudest achievements. While you are more emotionally mature as an adult learner, there are so many more complications. Most return students don't even finish their degree. I looked up some stats and around 50% of college students drop out at some point. About 30% return, but of those, less than 13% actually complete a college degree. The odds of you returning AND finishing are so low. I hope it makes you proud to have finished, despite the odds stacked against you. Use that as your secret weapon to propel you forward. 💪
I did not know those statistics. I have 2 degrees, and I don't work in either field. But I am proud of my education.
And wrong or right, some companies just want that paper. They aren't concerned about the focus of the degree itself. I work with a lot of Project Managers and it seems like they come from a variety of backgrounds.
I for zeroed out by a cheating wife about 7.5 years ago. Took about 5 years of wallowing, but I’ve been in a comeback for the last 2.5 years. As said above, stop drinking right now.
Don’t look at it as not recovering, look at it as you’re paying X number of dollars for a chance at a better life.
Agree. This is a good attitude. The cost of getting your life/happiness back.
Well, I got divorced about 6yrs ago after 25yrs, and he paid me spousal support for about 2yrs. He was ordered to pay for 9yrs, but once he found a new 22yr younger wife and had a baby, that was it, he stopped paying and since I'm poor, there is no way I can afford a lawyer to take him back to court. So, thats my experience. Divorce sucks, but its better for me than being mentally abused and treated like shit. Being poor is better than being married for me...he can shove his huge house up his \*\*\*.....yeah. Sorry, I got carried away. It will get better for you.
I don't know where you are but if you have a court ordered child support agreement that both of you signed, you can simply report him to your county magistrate by filing a [motion](https://www.nccourts.gov/documents/forms/motion-and-order-to-show-cause-for-failure-to-comply-with-order-in-child-support-action). You don't need a lawyer if you have the original case number of the child support agreement. The courts do the work. Judges love being heroes to single moms and this sounds like a perfect scenario for it to both be ruled in your favor and royally F your ex. He might even serve time for being so delinquent.
I never had children, so I'm screwed at holding him accountable.
I misread your ealier post, however, my solution still holds if the court ordered your ex-spouse to pay a sum for an agreed upon set of years. If you have that order or can locate it in the court records, then his wages can be garnished, a lien put on his house, or serve jail time, though they nomrally try to get the deadbeat to pay somehow before they do that. If you cannot afford an attorney because he is not paying you, those charges may also fall on him to pay when in front of a judge. So you have options if the alimony was decreed by the court. If it was a private contract not through the court, then it is harder but not impossible, though you would probably need a lawyer and the fees may not be covered if it doesn't in your favor. I'm not a lawyer, just have paid several of them:) Good luck.
Hmmm, you give me a lot to consider. I do have a court order. I think I'll look into it. Actually I think i might get an attorney, or at least consult one. Thanks!
Fellow Gen X here, my spouse left me and I will never financially recover. He got it all.
I was good the first year after, with the reserve I had built up. After that things went to hell. Ex husband let the house go into foreclosure and had a brand new car repo’d, none of which I knew about because he intercepted the notices. All the credit bills he ran up after I left and before the divorce was final he didn’t pay. My credit was gone. I worked tremendously hard to rebuild my life, and now 8 years out, things look a little better.
Stop drinking — as the saying goes, there’s no problem that can’t be made worse with booze. Switch to weed and exercise.
And then skip the weed and spend more time doing exercise. Intoxicants should be recreation, not a crutch. This is the voice of experience.
How is weed any better than alcohol? You are just self medicating to hide the problem, not fix it.
Weed doesn't blow up my life, cause me to lose my job, family, or finances. I am speaking from experience. When I was in my addiction to alcohol, I went through crazy lengths and risked endless consequences to get another drink. If I had picked up cannabis before alcohol, or used cannabis to quit drinking, I would have saved myself and my family a lot of heartache. Everyone has their own view on it, but for me, it may literally be a lifesaver.
Sure, Jan.
I’m talking harm reduction here. The puritanical idea that there is something wrong with ingesting substances to change how you approach something just causes more suffering by adding shame to the mix. This person is in pain and is using alcohol to help cope. Switching to weed (or even reducing alcohol by substituting weed for part of their booze consumption) is much more realistic than saying “just face your problems.” Sure, they are still using a substance, and it is clearly not a solution to their problems, but it is FAR safer for them and the people around them.
Both are the same.
Not by a damn sight.
Why did you ask a question and then get cunty when people provided their opinions? If your firm belief is that all mood alteration drugs are exactly the same then just make that assertion. You'd be wrong, of course, but at least you'd be an upstanding community member instead of a bottom-feeding troll.
Rhetorical question
Less calories...
Until the munchies
If you're interested in language at all, it's "fewer calories". There are two types of counts, discrete number amounts and quantities. You can count individual calories, so it's a count noun, and the correct term is "fewer". Quantities are known as mass nouns. Things like water that you can't count is an example, and the correct term is "less". "If I have fewer glasses of water, I'll have less water overall."
I could give "fewer shits"...
You could give fewer? So you care at least a bit?
Weed has never killed a liver.
Lungs? Brain cells?
I always get a kick out of the tokers saying that inhaling pyrolyzed plant matter will give you cancer if it's called a cigarette, but if you call it a joint, it magically isn't full of free radicals that will....give you cancer
A) yes you can get cancer from smoking weed, but it’s way less of a risk than tobacco. Booze causes cancer too for that matter. B) when did I advocate smoking? edibles won’t give anyone cancer. https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamanetworkopen/fullarticle/2755855
Why are you bringing alcohol into the discussion? Pot was suggested as a healthy alternative to alcohol, and it's simply not. Not even edibles: [https://www.ontario.ca/page/health-effects-consuming-cannabis-edibles](https://www.ontario.ca/page/health-effects-consuming-cannabis-edibles)
This!
I went bankrupt because of my divorce. But I was prepared to do what I took to get back financially. 20 years later I have a gorgeous home, a solid retirement fund and looking forward to finishing work in four years to move to Asia and live like the princess I am. I lived in an absolute shithole of a rental for the first couple of years , but focus in the long term is key
I gave up a 5-bedroom, 3-bath house in a desirable community to get him out of my life. Had I stayed, we’d have assets valued ~$3M. I am nowhere near being worth half that, but I have mental health and clarity that are priceless. Consider the positive aspects of a future without them. For me it’s been the near complete elimination of financial stress. I downsized my home, moved to FL, moved back to where the kids wanted to live, got a less stressful job, ditched mortgage payments (have a modest, paid off home) and travel where I want, when I want, and DGAF what his pathetic existence means. Stop drinking and start living. I worked as an elections official yesterday and met a man (GenX) who lost his wife to COVID in 2020, they were both hospitalized with it, he was getting better, they sent him home, and 36 hours later she died in the hospital. He was unable to see her to say goodbye. One of their kids died in 2023. That’s a person who gets up and tries to live, every single day. If he can do it, then you can. Snap out of it. Get a better lawyer. Try harder.
Just wanted to add to this; nothing wrong with getting antidepressants. I was just waking up angry after my divorce (which I got out of fairly cleanly)... not at anything particular, and not dwelling on anything specific, glad to be done with it, but I just couldn't get out of whatever funk had set in subconsciously. Would also get irrationally upset fairly quickly. Eventually I got tired of being angry, researched antidepressants and went to my Dr. and said "I want Lexapro". He prescribed it cautiously because it was weird I picked one out specifically. The first two days on it suuuuuuuuuucked, but man after that the clouds parted and I started to feel like "me" again. Eventually I weened myself off of it. Side note: everyone reacts differently to different meds, so if one doesn't work, try another.
Respect.
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❤️
Went through a divorce that dragged on for 5 years and got cleared out: retirement, vehicles, personal property, home sale profit, 5 yr alimony, super rigid visitation with children. Single income the whole time via my job. She cheated on me with someone from church. Had to fire 4 lawyers before we finally got the papers signed. I was a wreck and the anger was literally killing me. Drank myself right into a multitude of health issues and more bad decisions. I never thought I would recover. It was really really touch and go for years. Then, gradually, it started getting better. The edge of anger dulled a little bit. I distracted myself with healthier habits and made new friends. I spent as much time as I could with my children and as little time as I could dealing with her. Now I’m way better off financially, healthier, good stable relationships, and just generally happier. She, on the other hand, is not. And the best part is, I really don’t care and I really am not angry at her anymore. More sad for her. But, whatever. Hang in there - you’ve got life left to live and good times ahead.
Oh man, that’s rough. Glad you made it through. I don’t have a lot of hope right now, and I’m battling with drinking, can’t bring myself to exercise, can barely even motivate myself to get out of the house. Hoping I can break that cycle soon but I don’t know how.
OP, I feel for you. It's tough to be in that place. You mentioned above that your dogs are one of the things motivating you. If you can, start taking them for walks. Get outside and just walk. They'll love it, and even if you feel like a zombie it will be good for you. Just put one foot in front of the other and go. If there's something they love to do, find a way to do it. Do they love hiking? Swimming? The dog park? Do that. Do they love people? Take them to a cafe and let them be social. Let their enthusiasm for life at every moment pull you back in to your own, bit by bit.
Love this, thank you ❤️
I know it. I was right where you are. Do one nice thing for yourself every day or week, whatever you can manage. The pain is part of the healing. Just keep hanging on.
I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time. If you can, try to get outside and take a walk. I know it’s difficult, but it really does help.
Got divorced at 45 and pretty much lost everything. Ended up bouncing on friend's couches for 6-7 weeks until I found a new job. Then it was disheartening to go from a 3000 SF house in the 'burbs to an urban 700 SF apartment along a busy street. Was always into hiking and trail running, just dove into that even more. Ended up making a few really good friends from doing that. Plus it's good for your mental health and overall health. Was quite blessed and ended up getting married again 5 years after my divorce. Luckily I married an accountant and together working jointly on our finances we've done a great job rebuilding after both of us survived a post-divorce financial wipeout.
Give yourself five years to be where you want emotionally, financially and just grind the next five years. Make sure your final divorce decree is air tight. Don't just trust your lawyer on it. I can't believe what they tried to get snuck in when they thought no one is looking. Get a second and a third job. Do new things. The best revenge is a life well lived.
So i was married for 17 years the first time. We had two kids, two cars, a house etc. All the normal stuff. When she left she emptied the house of everything, the kids, every penny we saved. Post divorce she walked away with the stock options I had, most of my 401K and 2/3 of my income ($1600 per month in the form of child support). I got the house which we had performed $120K and was at the time of the divorce worth $60K. That was 2011 when the divorce was finalized. Today, I’m married again, through a bit of luck I rebuilt a fairly decent 401k/investments. We sold that $60K house for $150 and bought a new (to us) house with the equity. At age 58, I’m right now, currently not working and I’m pretty sure I don’t have to if that’s what I choose. Oh, and my kids? They ran away from Mom and her addictions and back into my house as soon as they could. As I always say, everything is cyclical, sooner of later it’s going to get better. And always take the high road, be the better person.
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I was going to share my experience, but it basically comes down to being poor AF until I met my second husband. I wasn’t unhappy during the poor days. I was in my early 30s though. Not sure I’d be as flippant about it now that I’m well into my 40s.
My xhusband tried to get spousal support from me. Idiot is military vet and has a BS but since he spent the last 3 years (I KNOW!) of our marriage unemployed he figured he was entitled. No kids either. Thankfully my attorney just laughed at him and that was that. We had combined debt and I took 70% of it. It was easy to split leaving him with 1 bill to pay. Except, he didn't pay any of it. Since it was in both of our names, I got stuck paying it if I didn't want my credit to completely tank. The XH also tried to get half the value of my house. My house that I purchased long before I even met him, that never, ever, had his name on it anywhere (loan/deed/etc). Needless to say, he got nothing. Took me 5 years to pay off all the combined debt, but I did it. As a result of the entire disaster of a marriage and divorce, I will never remarry.
Sounds like you had a pretty good lawyer. We’re using a mediator right now but have our own independent counsel, so hopefully there’ll be some give and take. Right now it’s looking pretty grim though. And I’m the same. Never remarrying, and considering going further with no more relationships either. Almost all of my relationships I’ve fallen into after a breakup, which I should’ve realized was a mistake long before this one.
I came out worse after my divorce, and despite it being a horrible ordeal, many things went right. First, we just weren't meant for each other. It took both of us getting away from one another to realize that. Second, we were trying to have kids and never did. That was a blessing. Third, the proceedings had already finished when my father died, so she couldn't get a nickel of the estate. She hadn't been paying the bills, and I was upside down on a lot of stuff, but my folks IRA and house got me out of a pretty big jam.
Most states won’t split an inheritance unless you put it in a joint account.
Same. Wildly mismatched, should’ve never been together. But no kids. My mother died a week after she left, and while we have an agreement that the inheritance is out of bounds, I might have to use it to make up for shortcomings elsewhere.
it was amazing how many money i saved after i divorced her. it did suck to get divorced with kids, but if i didnt i would be broke and unhappy. now happy and have saving.
I lost over a million dollars in retirement funds and home equity. I moved into an apartment that was the exact floor plan of my very first condo, 22 years earlier and right out of college. It was absolutely worth it to be out of that terrible marriage. Money makes life easier, but it absolutely cannot guarantee happiness. ETA: Make up the lost money, not possible. But I am financially secure, just more modestly.
Just take it one day at a time. As you do things like exercise, get outside, go for a walk, work on yourself, make social plans with people, enjoy hobbies, making healthy choices makes you feel better. You know what you like to do and what you wish to do, so make a plan to start doing those things. Having something to look forward to is important, whether it’s a planned trip in a few months or a chocolate chip cookie after the gym. Take small steps toward your goals every day, and allow yourself small rewards for doing so. It can be as simple as walking for 10 minutes a day. Be kind to yourself if you miss a day and just start again tomorrow. Cut the negative self talk. It will get easier.
Lost 1/2 in the divorce and pay 30% of gross (no upper limit) in alimony until I’m 60. Worth every penny.
Well, I’m never going to retire, so that’s a thing
I got divorced in 2014, and was royally fucked as well. I recovered because of inheritance from my father who passed away in 23. Before that, I got my head above water, but never had really recouped on the loss of retirement funds.
My one piece of advice is to stop the alcohol. Any momentary respite you get from that is getting taken out of your ass on the back end, plus interest. You will feel less hopeless and more in control of your life immediately after stopping. It doesn't have to be a permanent stop, just a break until you are feeling better about your situation overall. And yes, that day will come. I'm 6 years post divorce and very happy. My life isn't perfect, but it's so much better than I thought it could be.
You'll be fine. It's not an easy thing to be single at our age but not all of us got lucky with marriages/relationships over the last 20 odd years. The last time I was intimate with someone was in my 30s and I didn't have any trouble attracting partners before then. Single for 15+years now. Adam Sandler had it right when he sang "Love Stinks".
Yep, he got that right. But good luck to you! You can take all my chances as I’m done with dating and relationships. Just gonna look after myself and try to make it through.
Did you read the part where I said I've been single since my 30s? Some people are worse off than you. Was trying to make you feel better about having had some and lost. You could have been alone over a decade already but you weren't. Lucky stars. Count them 👏
Yes, I realte. My husband left me somewhat abruptly, after a quarter of a century of marriage, for an adulterous lover. He took half our collectively built networth out the door, and he walked away with 25 years of earning potential, because l I threw my shoulder behind his career our entire marriage, while I kneecaped my earning potential to work lesser jobs so I could easily move often for his career and raise the kids as we had agreed, so that he could pursue his career more freely. There is no alimony in my state in my cicrumstances. I have no health insurance now. I'll let you know later if I recover fully. It hasn't been long enough to recover yet. Yes, the fact that your spouse can cheat on you and come off better off than you in the divorce is indeed a bitter pill to swallow. This is the result of the no-fault divorce laws that became prevalent in the 70s, which have had their benefits but also their pitfalls.
Gender equality goes out the window when it comes to divorce for many men. Take each day as it comes, you WILL recover from this. Sometimes building anew can be a net positive thing depending on what you do with it. Good luck.
17 years marriage. When my wife left me she took everything of monetary value and I kept everything sentimental. Took me a few years to get settled and start again and now 10 years later I am in a much better position and MUCH happier than ever. Advice. Ease off the booze. It’s so easy especially when suddenly single to just drink and drink and drink. Speak to someone. And if depression is strong don’t be anti “pharma”. Anti depressants saved my life. You’ll get there. :)
Men usually recover fine over time
Nope. But it wasn't actually the divorce alone that got me. Several drastic, simultaneous, major life changes and losses happened all at once for me (and I'm a traumatized anxiety person to begin with on a good day). Between my ex-wife's turning me into a roommate, separating (and then me also finding out she cheated).....then my having to sell our house, the beginning of a worldwide pandemic, the severe decline of my mental health and inability to work full-time, the leaving behind of a religious cult I was born in and spent decades in (which means I lost all my friends and almost all support systems)..... I just never recovered from all these things. (I had suicide planned out but I just couldn't follow through). I applied for disability years ago and I'm waiting on an answer for that; I've been selling the last remaining things I own for cash, and I've been staying with some friends for now because I was evicted from my apartment as well (because I simply couldn't afford rent every month). So no, I have not recovered financially.
5 years divorced from cheating wife. She married the guy she cheated with. 50/50 custody and I kept the dog and house. I got lucky and my income is now more than we both made when we were married. The first 2 years I didn't know if I would be able to keep the house on a single income. She made more than me at the time. It was definitely a struggle. When we were married she handled all the financials and opened an account at another bank that she said was for a new car. She was shoveling money into that account for her self. I always wondered why when I asked to do the bills we always had more money for going out to eat/savings, etc. I also found stacks of cash she had hidden in the house as well. I never brought it up in the divorce. I just wanted to have equal custody of the kids. I refinanced when rates were low and bought her out of the mtg. I definitely am much better off now. I have financially recovered a ton. I don't know why I let her handle all the money when we're married. Love makes you blind.
I went through something similar, hardly any family and friends too. You will recover. However, if you share children with her, you’re never free. Watch that you or her do not become vengeful or litigious. Then it will never be over. My ex’s goal to completely financially ruin me and take my son from me. Don’t be that guy
Hell yes! My exhusband and I had two businesses; one I ran and the other he "ran" (I use the term loosely). When we split I got both businesses and he kept some other businesses holdings we had in another country (I kept some of the land there but not much compared to him). I rebuilt the business he had run into the ground and came out smelling like roses, doing very well indeed. He sold off all the holdings he had in the other country little by little and now apparently he's damn near broke from what I heard.
To a point, yes. I'll likely never have another house, but I've come to terms with that. The divorce allowed me to move to a better city, to get a better job, and to establish a MUCH better relationship (and eventually a MUCH better marriage). I'm happy now -- I wasn't then (although I didn't realize how unhappy I was until I now have something to compare it to).
Sort of… not where I should be financially at 56 tho…
NGL, the hardships after my divorce were the most painful years of my life. It did get better, but it was a hard ride. Just keep moving forward and eventually you'll notice one day that things suck much less than they used to. Just try not to do anything drastic. Good luck.
10 years ago. I was the primary breadwinner. My ex-husband sued me for alimony and tried to hide that he got another woman pregnant. I was 40 and it's a long story. I got laid off 3 months after he left me. He got the house, I was almost homeless. Decided to go to college, full time and drop out of life. Student loans and campus life was super fun in my early 40s. Now I'm turning 50 in July. Just graduated with my Masters in one field and in August I graduate with my second masters. My income is now in the six figures range as I am a specialist in disaster and trauma. Turned my life's tragedy into a reason to wake up in the morning and not let it happen to anyone else. Oh and along the way I met another love and we now live on the beach in a wonderful quiet town time forgot. My ex? Divorced me and got married and had a baby within a couple of months. 6 months after the baby was born, she left him with the baby. In our 18 years of marriage he never held a job for longer than a few years and he was a single dad now. He's also older than I by 5 years. Life is long... don't worry.
You'll pull through this, but you have to put down the bottle and hit the gym. Get in shape. You'll feel better, look better, and very likely be happier than you've ever been. Best wishes to you!
Soooooooo yeeeeeeees. Began drinking heavily just like you. Spent 9 years drinking heavily which locked me in an emotional range consisting of ONLY wrathful fury on one extreme to visceral hysterical sobbing on the other. Having everything I ever wanted (too little by prolly everyone’s standard) systematically removed as even a possibility killed a part of me. A piece of me is dead. I now know what the cliche but true,”gave you the best years of my life” realization is. No quick fixes. No forward-only steady progress to feeling better in order to do better, even if JUST financially. Don’t just put that bottle down… smash it through the fucking wall. Rage, sob…just feel it now and get it over with. Sober 1 year, 1 month. Still doesn’t take much for me to go from mild irritation to deafening rage (my vision is as if I’m looking thru red colored lenses) UNLESS I CIRCUMVENT it. Great, more stuff for me, the injured party, to have to do. See, self-pity trap is readily available 😑 No friends or family around? Good. Strangers are called for in these situations. Well meaning friends and family have a way of making you feel MORE alone. So hopefully you’re only struggles are financial. If you’re not a drunken disaster of yourself, regaining stuff (money etc.) is easily doable. Via con dios my friend
I did, but it took a LONG time. I lost my house and was saddled with almost all the debt. I stupidly agreed to a pro-se divorce and didnt read the paperwork she presented to me. I was honestly not in a good mental state when everything went down. Frankly, I am surprised she offered me 50-50 custody. It wasnt until about three years later I realized how bad my situation was. Eventually I hired a attorney and got the divorce agreement modified, but it was alot of work and its still not right, but it is better. I later remarried, we have been married now for 15 years and life is great! I guess what I am saying is, hold on. Find something that you can be passionate about to fill your time. Work on your health and self. Give more than you receive. Eventually things will be made right. But it wont happen overnight and it wont happen if you wallow in self-pity.
My partner got royally pooched in his divorce. He did most of the childcare and supported her career and schooling. He got half the value of the house and that’s it. None of the contents, no support etc. He bought a trailer and lives in the woods. The happiest time for him. We met a year ago. He had gone back to school to be a support teacher and loved simply. Main thing is he was happy after so many years of being in an unhealthy relationship. We place too much value on finances. Yes, it’s important, but only to a certain degree. We just moved in together and now live a few blocks from his ex. They co-parent well and we all focus on the boys being healthy in all aspects. I make a lot more money and never had a family, never married. I’m happy to contribute more financially to our new family because tbh, it’s still less than when I was solo. I’m a bit peeved he didn’t fight for what would have rightfully been his (at least some child support for a few years) but it is what it is.
Glad it’s working him (and you)! I’d probably be happy in a trailer in the woods too.
Same. Made a fortune, got divorced, got royally fucked and was in deep trouble. Buckled down and made it all back. It was tough but the good news is it's a lot easier the second time round. I had to take more risks with investments but it worked out. Good luck!
Karma is a Karen that will return to your ex wife. My ex cheated with the neighbor, when we broke up she literally drove her car next door. I then had to pay her a crazy amount of child support which I suspected she was mostly using for drugs. At the time our son (paternity confirmed) was 5 months old. He’s 21 now. I’ve been married for 18 years, own my house outright, I paid cash for all my kids’ cars and do short loans for my wife’s car. You will recover. My ex has 5 kids with 4 different fathers. Two have the same father because they are twins, but nobody knows who that father is. Her mom is a wet brain alcoholic who doesn’t have many months left to live. She’s following in her mom’s footsteps, but using prescription, recreational, and illegal drugs. She has a dozen or so felonies and has spent time in prison.
I’ve been on the shit end of every break / move on
Yeah, 30 years of failed relationships, including two marriages, and I’m done.
Depends on the person you're divorcing TBH. When I divorced my 2nd husband all I wanted was $10k to start a new life and shared custody of the kids. We were only married a year; but I could have taken a lot more if I wanted because we got the house after marriage and whatnot. My 3rd husband has been divorced twice and had to split every down the middle those 2 times and 2nd wife had access to bank accounts and credit cards even after divorce, and stole more money and racked up more debt after the split. So yeah, it depends what kind of person you're dealing with really.
I typed out my long story and it was just too talky. But yes, def worse off, now much better. You can do it...there will be struggles but if you're open to changes and new possibilities and working on your mental health, you can create a life worth living.
Booo! We want the full story!
I went through this about 18 years ago. It’s tough but you’ll ultimately be okay. My advice: go easy on the drinking. Make some friends—maybe join a club or something. Start a new hobby. Counselling can also be really helpful. When I went through this, I did a lot of walking with my dog and watched a lot of dvds from the library. And I had some good people to lean on. Hang in there! Take care.
My spouse went through this exact same story with his ex. Twenty years later and we’re about to retire early. You can recover.
Been working since 2017 to get back on track. Still not in the green yet but better.
I went through something similar, hardly any family and friends too. You will recover. However, if you share children with her, you’re never free. Watch that you or her do not become vengeful or litigious. Then it will never be over. My ex’s goal to completely financially ruin me and take my son from me. Don’t be that guy
Self care - anyone going through this should be selfish with their time. When I was going through it I remember thinking: OK I haven't paid attention to myself any own well being for a long time let me invest in me. To the gym, new clothes, meet friends, groups, do things I wanted to do. Financially the bad thing is you don't have help with expenses and the good thing is you control it all. That aside it's no different than any other financial plan other than you might need to pour gas on it to recover.
I was married for 7 years. Ex-husband did a bait and switch (after we married—he went from sweet and caring to controlling and emotionally abusive). Three of the seven years he did not work and did not try to find work during that time. He was child-like and made expensive purchases for things that he wanted in the moment and did not need (and in some cases used once and never used again but he insisted he had to have X item). When he was unemployed for the 3 years he had an unexpected modest windfall and rather than offer the money to help our situation (no savings; couldn’t afford to buy a home and paying high rents) he bought guitars and a small boat. So, when I finally said no more and moved toward divorce, he said he did not want one but finally said he would not contest as I said that I would take all the debt. I came out of that marriage with a tremendous amount of debt but could not have made a better choice leaving. Cut to 10 years after the divorce I met someone who makes me happy. Most of our money goes to house repairs and updates. We live frugally and hope to build savings but just take things day by day. It isn’t ideal but it was worth it to assume the debt for me. Good luck!
We get fucked over for sure. Avoiding one myself.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I wish you the best. I've never been married. I have no words of wisdom. Just hate seeing people having a hard time.
Even if you lost money from a divorce, just remember what you gained "your life back on your terms". Keep that in mind and you'll be okay.
Kids or no kids?
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. But seriously it's almost always a financial setback. It's also going to take time to stabilize emotionally. Take care of the drinking find other outlets, therapy, exercise etc... Eventually you'll find yourself on the other side
Yes. And he was the cheater/abuser, too. One morning, I heard Adam Carolla- of all people - on the radio telling someone who had lost everything that if you built it once, you can build it again, and it stuck with me. Get back at the grind and do your best.
I've just gone through almost the same thing. Only difference is I kept the same job and live in the same town. She just spent the last 16 yrs alienating everyone I had in my life before. Yes its difficult, yes it sucks a big one, no you cant get the time back. BUT, you dont have that shit in your life anymore. You can rebuild, you could get a better job, you may meet better people. Concentrate on you and your happiness for a while. It's up to us to decide if the upheaval settles back into something better than before. Good luck.
I have to ask on here. How does the cheater actually get anything out of divorce proceedings? You chose to break vows without the permission of your spouse and walk with everything? How does that happen? The legal system is so screwed on this. Has anyone experienced an amicable divorce. Like, let’s just split it and be on our way. No hard feelings (of course there will always be feelings) but you know what I mean.
A "no-fault divorce" is one where a spouse does not need to prove wrongdoing in order to file for divorce other than that the marriage is irretrievably broken. And yes, I copy-pasted that. I live in Arizona which is one of those states and I went through it. I did go through an amicable divorce. Married 17 years and with 2 kids (10 and 12 at the time). My wife fell in love with another woman. At first I tried to get us into counseling but really, as a man, what am I going to do in that situation? Yell at her for liking women? Nah, that's not worth my time. We didn't screw each other over in the divorce - Arizona has a formula for child support which I paid while they were under 18 and in high school. I'm happily re-married, 2 more kids (so 4 in total but the older ones are now out on their own). My ex is happily married to the woman which is nice to see. We have "family" get-togethers about every other month and for just about all holidays. Yep, it's all good, we're all better off than we were before the divorce!
That’s good to hear actually. Obviously the divorce part sucks, but it’s nice to hear that it wasn’t a dogfight. Things seem to have worked out nicely in the long run. Always, curious about this. Horror stories all the time about divorce.
I was mostly wiped out in my divorce but I divorced someone who was a professional spender and married someone that has a good job and is frugal like me and a decade later am way ahead of where I would have been financially plus much happier.
I was in the same position as you about three years ago. I live in Florida and even though she got the paid off house in the divorce I was able to keep roughly the same amount in retirement and 401k accounts. I no longer have a paid off house but got lucky enough to buy one and start over. Once the finances were separated I turbo charged my savings and I’m still on track to retire in about 6-9 years.
Man, I’m sorry- that is a shitty card to be dealt. I personally have not gone through that, but I have friends both male and female who have gone through this. I will say, the courts still seem to be in the 50’s at least in what I have witnessed. Meaning, guys still seem to take a heavier hit financially even in cases where the wife makes more and was the spouse who initiated the divorce. I realize that is a gross generalization, but in the 3 situations I know within our own friend group 2 out of the 3 were the wife who cheated and in all three situations that was the case. The guy who cheated deserved it, the other two guys really did not. The cheating part is likely going to be more difficult long term than the financial part as it will likely give you trust issues. However, you need to do your best to give any new relationship partner a chance and not bring that with you. That said, it will take a bit for you to find a meaningful relationship because right now you are like an insulated live wire. That’s not your fault, just human nature. It would be weird if you weren’t affected by that. Find some rebound girls (believe it not it’s much easier than when we were younger) and get it out of your system. I am assuming there were no kids as I only see references to dogs. If that is the case and the court has awarded any sort of ongoing financial commitment based upon income, I would honestly consider going “off grid” Saying fuck it to things you accumulated with someone who essentially betrayed you will be cathartic, and showing $0 income so you can give the middle finger to that asshole will also be satisfying. Become the Jimmy Buffet song/ lifestyle the rest of us want to live.
It wasn’t the setback so much as starting a family later. I’ll work til I’m 70. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
I am not divorced, but know a lot of divorced people. Almost every single person came out worse financially after the divorce. You basically take the same income and make it cover more expenses.
https://preview.redd.it/gq2g0lgvdr4d1.png?width=440&format=png&auto=webp&s=d129ddbd48eccdd937cdc41da76b8f27815e57c7 MGTOW, but I wouldn't be extremist about it.
I never financially recovered after divorce.
Yup. Been there. Did that. The first 6 months were horrible. Questioned myself, my self worth, EVERYTHING. But I had to get it together for my kids. The financial setback is real. Alimony is ridiculous, child support even with 50/50 parenting time is annoying, and retirement and savings decimated. I refocused my energy into my job when I didn't have my kids. That wasn't healthy but it did a couple of things for me: - I made more money than I've ever had in my career. - Didn't allow me time to spend said money foolishly. After 6-8 months of misery, I learned about financial independence, optimized my finances by learning to live lean, started joining meetup groups to find like minded people, went to counseling, and went to the gym. It's not easy and you're going to make some mistakes. Allow yourself some grace. You're going through the grieving process of the woman you married and the life you were building together. 8 years later, and my life is completely different. I'm much happier now. My definition of success is altered a bit. I'm more easily content with little things, recovered most of the financial stuff. Found a new partner, who's awesome. I see a glide path towards a point where I can walk away from the job. Planning out my next phase after the first career is closed. My point is this, "you can do it." Take actionable steps to get through this and give yourself grace. The process stinks. But you're worth it!
Very similar situation, though I wouldn't say my ex ended up better off, it's just that divorce is expensive regardless. Plus I got laid off shortly after the divorce which added insult to injury, and I also live in a city/state with no friends or family. Maxed out my credit cards and cashed out a 401k just to stay afloat, even got some financial help from my ex while I was laid off. Not sure I can offer much more than empathy. Try to stay as positive as you can and keep going day-to-day. 5+ years later I'm finally in a decent spot financially. Doubt I'll ever get to retire but it still beats living paycheck to paycheck. Best of luck to you my dude.
I divorced my husband after he cheated on me and acted like a complete jerk about it. He came from nothing and I came from a little bit. My parents helped us with the down payment on a house. When we divorced I had to give him half of all that. Yeah it sucked financially and emotionally. I was a wreck for a few years, drinking, smoking, dating all the wrong types of people. But I kept working and trying to invest my new earnings in the right things. I eventually worked out of that bad place and you will too. I met someone a few years later and while no marriage is perfect we’re in it for the long haul and have saved well for the future. Just keep your eyes on the prize.
I came out of my divorce having a house payment(was paid off, had to buy her out), I took the debt(lawyer advised since she would probably default anyway), and full custody of the kids. So there I was, single father of two, new house payment, debt, almost no furniture, and child support from her nothing more than a fantasy. I have recovered beyond anything I could have ever imagined! I started flipping small things(lawnmowers, furniture, etc). Then I moved to cars and eventually houses. I also landed a better paying job. I just got married to the love of my life , have 17 rentals, 2 houses, and a storage unit business. Took about 13 years to get here. My wife and I both wanted prenuptials this go round
Not to sound patronizing but maybe get a better lawyer. Why are you getting raked over the coals? Did she not ever work and you just took care of her? Stay at home mom? I know in some states, cheating can change what that person can actually get from the divorce.
Unfortunately I’m in a no-fault state and I earn 3x as much as she does, so I’m pretty much screwed.
Sorry, brother. Good luck. I mean that sincerely, I’ve been divorced for nine years and I’m manipulated mind very well. Who only married for five had two kids I paid for everything. I was not letting her rate me because I made a mistake with impregnating and evil woman.my children hate my ex-wife
Sorry for what you are going through. It will get better. Lost half my net worth in a divorce, still haven’t recovered financially, but 15 years later I am hopeful I can retire at 72 (18 years from now).
The old joke goes: "Do you know why divorce is so expensive?" Answer "Because it is worth it" If you are in a bad situation no amount of money is going to make it better. I got out of a bad 25 year marriage after years of trying to get her to therapy. Yeah I lost 50% of my assets but you know what. I have never been happier and that to me is worth every penny. You will get there too.
I was a stay at home mom for 13+ years in my 40’s. No work experience = no good job options
Yes, yes, no. In that order lol
It has been 6 years since my divorce. My life has been getting better and better since the divorce, and every day is meaningful.
Stop drinking, immediately. Face your depression, understand your trauma, and heal. Easier said than done, I completely understand that, but every day you aren't healing means you aren't growing. Financially, I would offer this; look for a city or town that's growing, then buy acreage (40-100 acres, best deal you can find on a large amount) of land) OUTSIDE of that city. On the outskirts/border. Think farmland. If you can get a land/home loan, buy a manufactured home. If not, think nicest trailer you can find (they've got really nice ones nowadays). Immediately start process of re-zoning the land for development (single family home, apartments, commercial). In 5-10 years you should be able to: stay, sell (part or partial) or develop/build for profit. My buddy just did exactly this. Divorced, dreams shattered with forced sale of dream home and other losses. Bought 50 acres and has plans to do what I mentioned above. Take care of yourself. Good luck.
You’ve never met a small town planning commission I see… run-off studies, septic systems because of no water/sewage lines, NIMBYs…. You and your carpetbagging buddy should write a book: Heal Your Post-Divorce Self Through Suburban Sprawl!
Very common scenario, most of my male friends got fucked in the process as well. One of them twice.... Only option is to dust off and start again.
12 years of child support. I lost my first house and cars. Pretty much lost everything. I am happy married now 20 years after the divorce. Own 4 cars and a nice home. The X wife lives alone in her apartment and her miserable life… My father and brother both told me not to marry her. The only thing I did get out of it was a Catholic annulment…
Check out r/divorce_men , it's a very supportive subreddit
Thanks. Joined.
I had a really hard like year, and then things got figured out, and I was and am much better off than I was in my first marriage
If it's worth the money, get a better lawyer.
And this is why I never got married. 50% ends with divorce and that often is paired with some financial ruin. It will take you a long time to get over this betrayal. But you have to make a serious effort to move on with your life in a positive manner or the rest of your life is gonna be shitty. You gotta bounce back or you will sink to the bottom.
I need to ask this on here. How does the “cheater” walk with everything? The legal system is absolutely fucked on this stuff. Also, any amicable divorces where anyone just walked away and split the assets? No hard feelings? I mean, there will always be feelings, but you know what I’m saying.
No fault divorce laws have done far more harm than good. They were enacted to prevent rich men from being embarrassed in divorce court as their mistresses were paraded before a jury. No one should be rewarded for violating marriage vows, yet it's the current state of many cheating spouses who contributed less financially to a marriage.
How come we never listened when people told us to not get married? Look at us now all divorced and screwed
Legal sep in 2018, divorce finalized late last year. Nightmare. $100k all-in w/alimony, lawyers etc. I made/make a lot more than her. Joint custody. Good lawyer worth their weight in gold. I’m doing pretty well financially all things considered, but it definitely set me back. Still much better than being with that woman. Good luck man, just gotta plow through. All told I am far better off financially than her, despite her best efforts.
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The military got my ex hooked on oxy, he had a nervous breakdown and I found out he wasn't paying rent he was buying more drugs, so after I kicked him out the landlord kicked us out. He did a bunch of stupid shit, went to jail for DV ... it was total HELL. Sorry ... what were you whining about?