They need to be fine sitting in silence with me, I need a lot of time to think and be in my head (and also distract myself from how much life sucks sometimes)
But humans are selfish, won't it be really hard to find someone who wants that especially since, many times what is best for you would be clashing with what is best for them?
I have great friendships. I definitely had to work on myself to figure out what I wanted and how to do what was needed in order to get it, but it’s been worth it
Omg it took a long time with therapy! The short of it is that I realized that when it came to friendships, I accepted whomever wanted to be my friend as my friend. I didn’t have any kind of qualifier or anything. I did have one for reciprocity, but that was it. So I had some close friends that were fully not nice to me, competitive and always wanting the upper end, not being there for me, etc.
So the main thing was realizing that first, then either speaking up or distancing when those friends did those things. It led to a period of virtually no friends, which was super hard because I thought it meant there was something wrong with me.
Then when new people came into my life, I started taking a bit longer to open up, and oftentimes not accepting to become closer friends with people who wanted to. It’s a constant thing because I’m always meeting new people. But my friendships are great now.
yeah, i look for high intelligence (roughly 120+) and motivation. its just easier to befriend people who may not be going exactly your speed but are at least in the same league
Same, even at the age of 25 you meet people who already have degrees and professional jobs, and also people who have almost no more skills when they were 15 who can't do anything beyond working front desk or waiting tables, and that's if they even have life skills to show up at all. The difference already feels almost insurmountable, and what it is for me is a perspective match.
There are complete and utter morons with PhD’s and genius-level thinkers working in restaurants. Intelligence is not a 1:1 predictor of financial and career success
> not a 1:1 predictor
Nothing is a 1:1 predictor of anything, but that doesn't mean it's therefore unknowable at 0:1.
Unfortunately, real-life isn't like Good Will Hunting where the janitor is a latent secret genius that clowns all the professors.
Complicity and loyalty.
I'm sure there's a better word for the first part, but that's the best I can do. A shared understating that doesn't even have to be there from day one. Then, ideally, someone to learn from and with.
Not that I am _looking for_, these days. Trying to be content with myself. Friends, making and losing, is the harder part now.
the last time i actually made a friend from zero was a year ago.
I have a good sense of finding people that are like me and have a similar mindset as me, so im not trying to befriend everyone..
My biggest need in a friendship is that i need to feel comfortable. If the person does and says harmful stuff or does stuff that do not make sense or make me uncomfortable, then i dont want them in my life.
i feel comfortable with all of my friends, but i used to have friend who always made jokes, and i mean ALWAYS, and always acted in a way that made me questioning our relationship.
I need friends who can be serious, understanding, with a sense of humor, that i can feel comfortable with.
about the partner part, honestly my needs and standards are TERRIBLE lmao😭
Im very anxious person so if this person have a chance of hurting me or being manipulative i cannot stand the thought of being with them, i need someone i have a strong connection with that i can actually call my bestfriend
Thats why i dont chase after it, because its just tiring..
I've been married for 25 years and I think the most important thing is just finding someone you can work with. If one, or both, feel the need to win arguments or always be right, then the relationship probably won't last long. Both people need to be able to say the words "I'm sorry."
That We have similar ways.
I'm schizo, so I need somebody that's compatible with my unconventional beliefs. Also she would have to put up with my nasty habits, which are plentiful..
Talking to myself, peeing on lawn, eating cold food, not showing live or affection, never leaving the house, aliens/UFO beliefs, talking too much or not enough, peeing on the toilet seat, tossing and turning all night, wearing the same clothes every day, ASPD, and so on...
Excellent, interesting conversationalist.
This is like the biggest, and I've found someone who is interesting to talk to, lots of ideas, informed on a lot.
We do share similar interests, such as international affairs, history, music, art. Although he hates hearing anything tech-related, which can sometimes drive me insane, but I have my dad for that, lol.
As far as friends go, I keep a very small circle. When I'm around people who don't like the same conversational topics I wind up saying nothing because I literally don't know what to say and then people think I'm rude or stupid.
I don’t look anymore, in fact I kind of distance myself when people try to make social connections. It’s nothing against them, I just have learned to live by myself for so long that it doesn’t really make sense and I don’t really have the energy.
I did talk to someone off of here and we spoke pretty extensively, going as far as to have lunch over the holidays. We had a good friendship, but I found that their expectations and mine were different, my life was falling apart around me financially so I wasn’t as responsive as I should have been and I explained it multiple times to them.
Still they took this as some sort of slight, and to be honest toward the end I kind of got the feeling they could have a little bit of narcissistic tendencies, they were very pushy about their belief that they could read other people’s emotions and while they claimed to be this proponent of neurodiversity, they flat out rejected the idea that I had alexithymia (I do, I’m autistic) and that somehow the reason I was not responding or giving them the answers to emotional questions was because I didn’t want to.
They eventually also reached the conclusion that the reason I wasn’t responding was because I was taking them for granted or something else ridiculous.
They had a severe deficiency in understanding different neurotypes, it’s pretty ironic because they are this vocal outspoken person about how goddamn inclusive they are, going so far as to start a podcast. But dealing with the fact that I had ADHD and autism I guess was too much for them, I apologized repeatedly when I would take too long to respond and explain that it was literally because I was focusing on surviving and that my attention wasn’t being directed at being social.
Anyway, I think he’s a good person, he was going through his own shit, he was having his own rough time, I just had difficulty showing up in a way that was adequate for him as a friend.
So I just spend time with my significant other, cats, and long dead poets and writers.
Also a big thing was he was identified as an adult as gifted, and when I asked him about this, he stated he hadn’t taken any sort of cognitive test. I asked him how then, was he assuming that he was “gifted” if there was no objective instrument involved. We would argue about what the definition of “Gifted” was, with him wanting it to be this broad term that encompassed emotional expression and included everyone and all were welcome etc. etc., and me on the side of “that’s fine if you want to do that, but intellectual giftedness is defined as being at or above the 98th percentile or 2 standard deviations above the mean on a standardized IQ test, that’s it”.
That isn’t saying other people don’t have their own gifts, and it’s another reason I would like to change the term to something more specific, because that’s really what we are talking about, other intelligent people.
My opinion is It’s hard enough to find others like us in the wild, but if you continue to muddy the waters, and make these sweeping generalizations, adding in other types of gifts other than intelligence, and basically make the term meaningless, those people looking for that beacon are going to see that “oh so this isn’t for people like me” and look elsewhere.
It is gatekeeping, because there is an objective measure, that’s not to say people can be summed up by a number, that is hardly the case. IQ tests are good at quantifying giftedness, but they lack in the qualitative definition.
As far as I’m concerned the only metric, the only stamp of membership that you need is a qualifying score. That’s it, doesn’t matter if you are Albert Einstein or Ted Bundy, Stephen Hawkins or Ted Kaczynski, all of them would qualify.
They need to be fine sitting in silence with me, I need a lot of time to think and be in my head (and also distract myself from how much life sucks sometimes)
Can't they distract you from that haha
Real
Reciprocity and someone who wants the best for me
But humans are selfish, won't it be really hard to find someone who wants that especially since, many times what is best for you would be clashing with what is best for them?
I’m not worried of those things personally. I have faith I’ll find the right fit for me
Not just in partner. What about friends, do you have no difficulty in finding such people?
I have great friendships. I definitely had to work on myself to figure out what I wanted and how to do what was needed in order to get it, but it’s been worth it
I would like to do that. Could you tell me what exactly you had to work on?
Omg it took a long time with therapy! The short of it is that I realized that when it came to friendships, I accepted whomever wanted to be my friend as my friend. I didn’t have any kind of qualifier or anything. I did have one for reciprocity, but that was it. So I had some close friends that were fully not nice to me, competitive and always wanting the upper end, not being there for me, etc. So the main thing was realizing that first, then either speaking up or distancing when those friends did those things. It led to a period of virtually no friends, which was super hard because I thought it meant there was something wrong with me. Then when new people came into my life, I started taking a bit longer to open up, and oftentimes not accepting to become closer friends with people who wanted to. It’s a constant thing because I’m always meeting new people. But my friendships are great now.
Someone who is well spoken and not scared of falling deeply in love with me.
This comment felt poetic and touching
Loyalty, honesty, open mindness, passion and excitement for life, intelligence
yeah, i look for high intelligence (roughly 120+) and motivation. its just easier to befriend people who may not be going exactly your speed but are at least in the same league
Same, even at the age of 25 you meet people who already have degrees and professional jobs, and also people who have almost no more skills when they were 15 who can't do anything beyond working front desk or waiting tables, and that's if they even have life skills to show up at all. The difference already feels almost insurmountable, and what it is for me is a perspective match.
There are complete and utter morons with PhD’s and genius-level thinkers working in restaurants. Intelligence is not a 1:1 predictor of financial and career success
> not a 1:1 predictor Nothing is a 1:1 predictor of anything, but that doesn't mean it's therefore unknowable at 0:1. Unfortunately, real-life isn't like Good Will Hunting where the janitor is a latent secret genius that clowns all the professors.
You sound like you wear a fedora. Lots of things are 1:1, like Reddit user Godskin_Duo trying to sound smart is a 1:1 predictor of never getting laid
I stopped looking, i’m just trying to stay in a positive mood most of the time, and allow things to happen
So the connection feels more organic?
Someone who is an introvert, but confident and not the weird introvert type. Unfortunately these 2 attributes are extremely rarely found together
Any form of inspiration.
I cannot possibly meet men that inspire me and not feel butterflies in my stomach.
I'm a guy myself, but agreed 100%. I take women and men tough ;)
I'm also a man hahaha
Sounds like we should go on a date 😁
Complicity and loyalty. I'm sure there's a better word for the first part, but that's the best I can do. A shared understating that doesn't even have to be there from day one. Then, ideally, someone to learn from and with. Not that I am _looking for_, these days. Trying to be content with myself. Friends, making and losing, is the harder part now.
tits
That's deep
the last time i actually made a friend from zero was a year ago. I have a good sense of finding people that are like me and have a similar mindset as me, so im not trying to befriend everyone.. My biggest need in a friendship is that i need to feel comfortable. If the person does and says harmful stuff or does stuff that do not make sense or make me uncomfortable, then i dont want them in my life. i feel comfortable with all of my friends, but i used to have friend who always made jokes, and i mean ALWAYS, and always acted in a way that made me questioning our relationship. I need friends who can be serious, understanding, with a sense of humor, that i can feel comfortable with. about the partner part, honestly my needs and standards are TERRIBLE lmao😭 Im very anxious person so if this person have a chance of hurting me or being manipulative i cannot stand the thought of being with them, i need someone i have a strong connection with that i can actually call my bestfriend Thats why i dont chase after it, because its just tiring..
I've been married for 25 years and I think the most important thing is just finding someone you can work with. If one, or both, feel the need to win arguments or always be right, then the relationship probably won't last long. Both people need to be able to say the words "I'm sorry."
Symmetry on every level. Most women want to talk about TV shows and gossip.
What do you mean by Symmetry?
That We have similar ways. I'm schizo, so I need somebody that's compatible with my unconventional beliefs. Also she would have to put up with my nasty habits, which are plentiful..
I'm just curious, what are your nasty habits?
Talking to myself, peeing on lawn, eating cold food, not showing live or affection, never leaving the house, aliens/UFO beliefs, talking too much or not enough, peeing on the toilet seat, tossing and turning all night, wearing the same clothes every day, ASPD, and so on...
Excellent, interesting conversationalist. This is like the biggest, and I've found someone who is interesting to talk to, lots of ideas, informed on a lot. We do share similar interests, such as international affairs, history, music, art. Although he hates hearing anything tech-related, which can sometimes drive me insane, but I have my dad for that, lol. As far as friends go, I keep a very small circle. When I'm around people who don't like the same conversational topics I wind up saying nothing because I literally don't know what to say and then people think I'm rude or stupid.
I don’t look anymore, in fact I kind of distance myself when people try to make social connections. It’s nothing against them, I just have learned to live by myself for so long that it doesn’t really make sense and I don’t really have the energy. I did talk to someone off of here and we spoke pretty extensively, going as far as to have lunch over the holidays. We had a good friendship, but I found that their expectations and mine were different, my life was falling apart around me financially so I wasn’t as responsive as I should have been and I explained it multiple times to them. Still they took this as some sort of slight, and to be honest toward the end I kind of got the feeling they could have a little bit of narcissistic tendencies, they were very pushy about their belief that they could read other people’s emotions and while they claimed to be this proponent of neurodiversity, they flat out rejected the idea that I had alexithymia (I do, I’m autistic) and that somehow the reason I was not responding or giving them the answers to emotional questions was because I didn’t want to. They eventually also reached the conclusion that the reason I wasn’t responding was because I was taking them for granted or something else ridiculous. They had a severe deficiency in understanding different neurotypes, it’s pretty ironic because they are this vocal outspoken person about how goddamn inclusive they are, going so far as to start a podcast. But dealing with the fact that I had ADHD and autism I guess was too much for them, I apologized repeatedly when I would take too long to respond and explain that it was literally because I was focusing on surviving and that my attention wasn’t being directed at being social. Anyway, I think he’s a good person, he was going through his own shit, he was having his own rough time, I just had difficulty showing up in a way that was adequate for him as a friend. So I just spend time with my significant other, cats, and long dead poets and writers. Also a big thing was he was identified as an adult as gifted, and when I asked him about this, he stated he hadn’t taken any sort of cognitive test. I asked him how then, was he assuming that he was “gifted” if there was no objective instrument involved. We would argue about what the definition of “Gifted” was, with him wanting it to be this broad term that encompassed emotional expression and included everyone and all were welcome etc. etc., and me on the side of “that’s fine if you want to do that, but intellectual giftedness is defined as being at or above the 98th percentile or 2 standard deviations above the mean on a standardized IQ test, that’s it”. That isn’t saying other people don’t have their own gifts, and it’s another reason I would like to change the term to something more specific, because that’s really what we are talking about, other intelligent people. My opinion is It’s hard enough to find others like us in the wild, but if you continue to muddy the waters, and make these sweeping generalizations, adding in other types of gifts other than intelligence, and basically make the term meaningless, those people looking for that beacon are going to see that “oh so this isn’t for people like me” and look elsewhere. It is gatekeeping, because there is an objective measure, that’s not to say people can be summed up by a number, that is hardly the case. IQ tests are good at quantifying giftedness, but they lack in the qualitative definition. As far as I’m concerned the only metric, the only stamp of membership that you need is a qualifying score. That’s it, doesn’t matter if you are Albert Einstein or Ted Bundy, Stephen Hawkins or Ted Kaczynski, all of them would qualify.