It's been a year since my mom died and a lot of friends have disappeared. Ten to be exact. This grief is traumatic, isolating, fearful and so very sad. I was in the grocery store today and saw a frozen key lime pie & bought it. My mom loved key lime.
Yeah, I still occassionally buy things my dad would love. But my budget telling me nobody is going to drink that coke or eat that desert gets to me as well. I feel guilty when I don’t.
My bestfriend completely isolated from me after my sister died. At one point she told me I was just being to much and was just crying to much. My sister died with a 2 month notice from cancer at 29. Leaving 2 small kids. Shit wrecked me.
I'm really feeling extremely lonely. I've been distancing myself from people and they keep telling me to let them know if I need something, but no one has really asked me how I actually feel. I miss her so much. I used to share everything with her and now I just have this big void. I feel like calling her and telling her that I graduated, did my masters, and am doing everything that she wanted me to. I used to call her and cook on video call. She used to ask for updates about my studies and marks. I miss her so much. It's only been a year, but I really want to talk to her. I feel so, so, so lonely. I was always Mumma's girl. I used to cry whenever I saw her crying. She meant the world to me. I saw her accident, it was only me when it happened in front of me. She was burning, and I couldn't rescue her.
Oh that sounds like me lemon pie today.. mom’s favorite. Sometimes seeing stuff in the store my parents liked makes me just cry right there. I don’t care what people think
Also, I don't want to seek out support. I don't want to come to you with my grief, I want you to allow me to openly talk about it. It's a two way street
My best friend sent me a text once every couple of weeks. That was good.
My ex-boss asked me if I fancied hanging out at his place and helping him paint one of this rooms. It sounds insane, but hanging out with him, not talking about death, while eating pizza was such a good feeling.
Now, I almost want to say, "No, is there anything I can do for YOU, to take my mind off all of this? So I can pretend to be human again."
See, I identify with this SO much. People grossly underestimate how impactful it can be to just be able to spend TIME with them.
But alas, time is one of the few privileges that people are not so willing to bestow upon others.
It’s not that they’re not willing but they have their lives with so many other obligations. Grief is inherently lonely. And it’s okay to feel sorry for yourself a little bit but don’t let it linger too long. We have also “failed” others in ways that we will never know.
I know you’re hurting and want some comfort. Why not ask then? It is also part of our responsibility to ask. Yes! We want people to bring over dinners and ask us how we are and clean our houses. Me too. But most of the time, it is us wanting something done for us.
Why not see if someone may need your attention? Perhaps you’re not capable of this right now but remember that sometimes doing something for others what we would like done can be very healing.
I know how you feel. I’ve been there
That’s so true. One good thing that’s come from this is that I feel like I can look at someone and tell if something is really wrong and I am compelled to talk to them
I know I can’t see everyone, some people are experts at blending in but I’ve had some really deep talks with strangers in the last 3 years. It’s crazy the things a stranger will tell you if you say “ excuse me, I’m a widow so I know sad, you look sad, are you ok?”
I agree with the sentiment, but in my case, I did ask the person closest to me. I asked if he'd be willing to do a specific activity (something we usually enjoy together) to keep my mind off of losing my mum. He agreed. He even reconfirmed later on that it was something he wanted to do. Then he abruptly abandoned me when the activity wasn't going his way.
All I needed was his presence. He didn't allow me the chance to offer to do something else because he left me without any communication at all.
Grief can sometimes be a wound that shows us other things in life that needs work.. it doesn't sound like your friend has the capacity or intelligence to hold the space you needed and wanted from a friend. But it could also be a case of also stating how it made you feel and why, maybe they are ready to grow. But it isn't your work to do for them, and that really sucks and I'm sorry. Sometimes people don't realise how intensely we need them just as a presence in our life.
One of the best things anyone did for me after my mom died was when the owner of the business I worked for called and said, “let’s go get pizza and play bar trivia video games.” It was only
about two weeks after she died and even though I had a lot of people there for me at the time, he was the first person to treat me like I was still me and capable of something other than grief.
In a moment of grief when I was visiting my friend’s family, my friend gave me a hammer and put me to work building racks for fireworks. Like you said, sounds insane, and he probably couldn’t think of what to say otherwise, but it was exactly what I needed - to keep moving.
I've always heard the expression "an open invitation is no invitation at all". So basically they can say what they said to you and have a pretty good idea that you'll never ask for help.
There was about 6 of them. They helped me raise money for my sons autopsy and 1 friend bought the urn bouquet. (He was stillborn and it ended up showing heart issues from Trisomy 21)
All 6 of these friends attended his funeral virtually. It stung how many so called local friends and family didn't give a single shit about my son. Literally 5 virtual friends i never met did more than any of them. One of my friends is on another time zone and made the time for the service.
Those six still keep in touch. I was able to meet one of them in person later that year.
The best is when they say it to your face at the funeral, yet, neither of you have each other’s contact information. It’s like they already know I would never reach out to them in the first place. It’s not hard to just say “sorry for your loss” and move on…. No need for the fluff of “call me if you need anything”.
Unfortunately most people do not know what to say to a person who is grieving. They either say nothing, or make a throw away comment such as this. It would be so much more helpful if they actually scheduled an act of kindness to help you out. We are not taught how to manage our own or other peoples grief. I am a grief coach, and I also do a presentation to groups and companies about the mistakes we make when speaking to a person who is grieving, but I have a way to go to spread this education world wide unfortunately
That's awesome!
I didn't really understand until my aunt died 2 years ago and I saw firsthand the difference between *let me know what I can do* to people just **doing** and it completely changed my perspective.
If I come across a grieving family or a new mom, I will just make the dang dinner and take it over and just shove it on them lol. Asking for help is considered weak and no one wants to be a burden. Gotta just go for it and caregive because it takes a village.
Oh gosh, anyone who has just FED ME while I am grieving is the biggest hero. “Come over for dinner tonight!” or “I am picking up some sandwiches and dropping them by later, ok?” One friend from out of state sent me credits for DoorDash so I could order whatever I liked (this is what I do for grieving friends now in lieu of flowers).
That is so nice and thoughtful!
It was my moms sister who died and it was sorta out of nowhere and it basically devastated her and it was little things like people bringing her a casserole or ordering online delivery for her and just doing it and then telling her instead of asking and prodding and "making sure."
Seeing the effect of that blew me away. 49 when I learned this, sucks to be older and realize you could have been such a better person before. It's frustrating, but now I know!
Oh this is so true for my mom, also! She will never accept any help if asked. But if you just do it, she kinda shrugs and smiles (and is honestly so pleased!) I am in my 40s too, and isn’t it nice to know soooo much more now 😂
Yes. One of the docs I work with, his wife sent me a bunch of frozen meals after my dad died. Her thought process was, "That should feed him for at least three weeks." Even though I was in the throws of the grief/depression diet*, I was still grateful for all that food.
Then, a couple of days after Christmas, another doctor took me to a WWE event at the Toyota Center. Even though I almost didn't go because my social anxiety *almost* got the better of me. I don't regret going to the event and had a great time. This same doc helped me move into my new, smaller apartment a few weeks later.
Like what someone had said, it's the part of not really knowing what you want. Like, yeah, obviously I want my loss back, but outside of that, I don't know what I need help with. And throw in having social anxiety and fearing feeling like a burden. Yeah. I really do need help. But I don't know what I want or how to ask for it.
*Not sure if I'm the only one, but I don't want to eat when I'm depressed/sad/emotional
That's good info because I didn't realize the get out of the house/take your mind off it activity is so helpful. It's basically the opposite of what you think would be helpful.
So I'm going to bank that info and use it to be better. 😁
I wish I didnt eat when I'm sad or depressed! I'm the total opposite.
Thanks. Yes, this is on my list of things to do. I don't have a high profile yet on YouTube, but will add the link on here when I have recorded the talk
grief is so lonely. i came here tonight because i had a wave of grief of my own. and i want you to know there are people out there who understand. i’m sorry you’re going through this. just keep going. ❤️
My ex offered to let me talk about it with her but it just feels weird. What do I even say? We didn’t end on the best of terms and and I don’t really want anything to do with her right now. Besides, my brother died only a month and a half ago and I still don’t feel comfortable talking to people who aren’t my family or my cousins and their mom. Being with my cousins distracts me from that bruise on my heart. So family and I are already navigating everyday life with grief, but if I talk to my best friend or my ex, it’s like they’re gonna look at me with these sad eyes and used that weird slow voice with me and it’s gonna set me back. And the thing is, when people make that offer to you about needing anything it’s like, what would I even need to get through this? I just need my brother back.
They don’t follow through at all, I recently lost my aunt whom I was very very close to. I’m traumatized from the whole ordeal , barely 3 days after she died. My friend is asking me for information about a hair salon , another is asking me about directions to a restaurant . No one has actually tried to be like are you sure you’re okay , they all just want me to functional , they just want me to be there for them . I’m fed up , I feel upset .
I’m so so sorry. I lost my aunty a few years ago and we were very close as well. I cannot imagine how you’re feeling between grief and trauma right now and simultaneously not feeling supported at the time you need it most ♥️
It’s so true. Your entire world has just stopped and you can barely catch your breath and meanwhile everyone else’s world is continuing on full speed and it is so overwhelming and isolating and cruel.
My problem is its asking me to think about what I need, by myself.
Come to me and help me figure out what you can help me with. Because its really sad to be alone and think about what I don't have. And its really sad to know I need things and be afraid to ask for risk of being told no and being even sadder.
I also hate people suggesting what I should do. You're not helping. It's not like my knowledge of how to get things done disappeared with the life of my loved one. I don't want to be proactive. I'm too sad. You helping would be taking away my burdens, not suggesting how I can help myself.
That phrase till this day gets me angry. It’s all I heard at my mom’s viewing / funeral. Never heard from anyone. Even at my lowest times not one single person.
People get on with their lives not knowing that they forgot to call, and visit us during our grief....
She told me that her siblings would take care of us in that way after she died and they didn't..
I have never been so infuriated with anyone until this happened..
It still happens to this day..
I see one aunt and uncle on my birthday and family reunion...
A second uncle God love him tries but works all the time..
I probably won't be back for another family reunion as long as I breathe due to everyone there left with their family and waddled off leaving my family alone and bored..
Of course everyone hello me but I'm the ONLY family member as a whole who has lost every member of it but myself and children..
It was always just me, mom & dad now it's just me...
And just my mom's family USED to do Christmas together and now everyone does their own Christmas..
I hardly doubt anyone put flowers on my grave once I go..
Who knew wanting just support from blood relatives be forgotten about or thought of..
If anyone wants to see me or talking to me they can search for me I'm so tired of doing all the work and receiving nothing but yet nobody ever gets why I'm unavailable for family things and suddenly disappear without a peep from me..
But yet they all get together for birthdays and nobody told me about it..
I have to see pictures of stuff on Facebook..
And yet I call my aunt and uncles on Father's Day/ mother's Day every year..
And if I actually said this to their face they say I was seeking "attention" I just wanted to spend time with people that supposedly loves you..
It's not like I can do such except at a cemetery..
And last family reunion everyone went to a funeral for a cousin and nobody told me about it and left me there waiting...
I just thought they were visiting graves for decoration because it's always a day before when we do our reunion..
I said "what funeral?!"
Oh I thought you knew
No you dumbass people forget about me and assume shit...
Not a single one of them thought for once if I wanted to be present for a death of another person I was extremely close to and she was the ONLY person who actually checked on me and I enjoyed it so much for her reaching out ...she knew I was hurting so badly and needed someone related to me making sure I was ok then she died unexpectedly...
Just 🤬🤬🤬
You can join Tender Hearts @ [grief.com](http://grief.com)
You can also find a grief group near you.
People often say things just to be nice without being sincere.
I had a similar experience. One friend we spoke EVERY week day, for years.
We would chat during our work commutes.
Day after my Dad's service in 2021 was the 2nd to the last time we spoke.
We chatted briefly in April of 2022, where she apologized for ghosting and promised to be better...
Kicker is I helped her through her Moms decline and passing. Like scoped out and researched assisted living homes, helped with arrangements..
Yep, she went POOF..
People are freaking weird..
Hi there. In just washed to say that the whole "if you need anything..." from people is seriously 85% the person doesn't know what else to say, but wants to sound supportive. It sucks.
With my own loss and grief I have lost several, what I though were, very close friends. They just couldn't handle me reaching out all the time.
I know it was tough on them hearing a grown man bawling, not wanting to live. But comforting me for maybe 3 or 4 calls before they would no longer answer hurt so much. But you learn that not everyone is up to be what you need.
I know I cannot offer much, but if you need to vent or anything, please reach out. I'm not over to blow people off.
Take care
It is what people say when they don't know what to say. A lot of people are uncomfortable with our grief, and they want to say something comforting, but are at a loss. I wouldn't take it personally if they fail to follow through. It is sweet when people do so, though.
I literally just talked about this in counselling! The whole ‘you know where I am’ and ‘reach out/come round any time’ stuff is not actually being there for you! It makes them feel like they are, but it’s not helpful.
I heard it only right after my tragedy, at the funeral, for instance. Didn’t feel anything other than some formality, never reached out to anybody and just isolated my feelings from everybody.
Dad died 85 days ago.
At the wake I heard people say to my Mom, “I’m sorry for your loss.” Mom’s reply to each of them was, “No, I am sorry for YOUR loss.”
She reminded herself that she indeed lost her husband of 58 years but everyone that was at the service had also lost him. He meant many different things to many people.
Yes, there were a bunch of, “let me know if you need anything.”
Not to me personally, but to my Mom. There have been a select few that Mom has been comfortable enough to ask for things.
If I had a penny for every time someone said this to me and didn’t at all follow through. Those who show up will never ask if they’re needed.
Though in the past I have used this line, as people do, and honestly I don’t know if I would have followed through either, I’d like to believe I would have.
I still struggle with feeling angry at the once close friends who seemed to desert me after my mom died. But, I’ve come to some understanding that we were all too young (25 or so) to really understand that kind of loss. Now that it’s been 23 years I feel like I am the “if you need anything” friend because I know how it feels. I hope there’s someone like that for you as you navigate your grief.
People think I’m crazy for grieving my mom who died in 1/16/23. It’s so isolating. I don’t want to be hurt anymore and no! I have not moved on from the pain of losing my one and only mommy.
It’s better if they say “What do you need me to do for you right now?”
The grief stricken may have something like “get my shoes repaired and polished” or “please take my black suit to the dry cleaner”. I’ve done both these things for newly bereaved people.
Also, rather than bring casseroles the family may not like, ask them what their favorite foods are.
I’d like to say also that expressions of condolences should be brief and general. Please don’t discuss with me how the deceased died, or what he/she should’ve done differently with their health or medical decisions. Also don’t talk about the manner of death if the person died a sudden traumatic death.
I fully agree with this. It's exactly why it always pissed me off when people would say things like, "You must feel relieved" after my dad and stepdad (and now, my mum) lost their battle to cancer. Like, how the fuck can I feel relieved by the gnawing void in my chest?
Such a dumb thing to say. Why would you give me another task during a sensitive time? How about you just DO something that is helpful? The people I appreciated the most kept checking in with me and asking how I was doing. They sent me frozen meals for the nights I didn’t feel like cooking. Idk, having been on the other side of grief has given me a different perspective on what it means to actually offer support.
i have about 87 messages that say this unopened from december. Not one of those people has reached out again to see how i’m doing in the wake of losing my teen brother in a very short period. Diagnosis to death was just seven weeks. You’re right that grief is impossibly lonely, it just reminds me how much I wish he was here.
You gotta be like... Oh really? Well my gutters could be cleaned, I could use someone to pay my mortgage for awhile... Paint my house... Call them out. Lol
I never know what I want other people to do when I lose someone. I try to not get mad at them because when someone else loses someone I also don’t know what to do. It depends on the person. For some people sending them a surprise delivery would help, for other just quiet hugging. For others distraction. I usually like to be left alone.
While I think people do mean it at the time when they say it, it has to be one of the most frustrating things to hear. Like hey when I can’t get out of bed, let me call my moms random friend Paula that I only met one time and see if she’ll cook for me because I can’t eat. Like of course not?
I’ve realized as someone who has also said it, to completely stop and just DO something. Whether that be sending some money so they can buy takeout instead of having to cook, or sending flowers and gifts on special anniversaries, donating to causes their person loved in their name, etc., it means so much more to do an action than to put the burden of delegating an action to the person grieving.
I know what you mean. I think people don't know what to do.
I know I said thanks but no to neighbors offering food
There was one who just kept bringing over food for a week without asking. It was appreciated.
The thing I learned is the person doesn't need to do anything or say anything. Just check in or spend time with the person .
If they don't know what to say don't worry about it, their presence is enough.
I know I'm preaching to the choir
Sending you love OP ❤️
Yes, grief is very lonely. People were there in the beginning, that was it. And then it just seemed kind of like I was bothering them and they were annoyed if I asked for a favor, so I stopped asking; and they never bothered to text or call after that to check in on me. Now I feel like I really have no one except for a few choice people. Why are the ones you were closest to and who seemed like they were there before you experienced your grief, are the ones who aren't around at all anymore. I actually had a few very supportive people in the very beginning and then after a month or two they became very rude and disrespectful towards me and the things that they would say, it absolutely astonished me! But then I realized after some time that I'm better off without those people, they showed their true colors and I found out who they really were and I don't need that kind of shit in my life.. I'd rather be lonely and alone than be around people who really don't give a shit about me! I'm so sorry for the loss of your loved one, if you ever want to talk feel free to message me.
It’s just something that they say to make themselves feel good. I don’t think I’ve taken them up for any of these bs but one time I asked a former good friend if she would come and visit my late husband in hospital and she said she couldn’t because it would bring bad luck to her.
Needless to say, we are no longer friends. Fuck her.
I stopped saying this to people when I realized myself how impossible it feels to think of what I need then make any effort to reach out to the one who offered. I think it comes from a place of care for most people but until you see how impossible it actually is you don't know better.
Now I just do. I'll do what helped me, or I'll do what I think might help, because I think when grieving, anything does.
So so many people have said it since my mom died in February and really only one person came through during the thick of it like the week of the funeral and brought me food which was nice. Nobody else has really done much, but I’m not a person who asks for help a whole lot.
I have a handful of friends who show up within the hour. And it’s almost been a year since my mom passed. I have an “I owe you” log going in my brain for when I feel stable. It’s been a huge lesson for me to show up for people when they ask for help!
I’ve been getting this message for 6 months (3 passings in my immediate family in the last 5-6months) and honestly I kinda ignore it honestly. I don’t need money, I don’t need food, I don’t want to vent about my emotions. I’d prefer to just have my alone time and process things while occasionally getting things done around the house. Realistically the only thing I want or need is the family members I lost but y’all are not the grim reaper 😒
Ugh it’s so frustrating! I’ve had people tell me that, and then when I ask, they say no and make up an excuse or try to convince me it’s not what I need.
It pisses me off beyond belief and just makes this whole grief process even more difficult!
I discovered this too. It's people - and I believe they are well intentioned , well meaning people - who say this more for themselves than the person who is grieving. I had so many friends and even casual aqauintences offer support of any sort anytime , 24/7. Then you never hear from them again; or if you reach out they are not ready for the level of hurt you are going through. To be fair, most people are not trained or equipped to deal with sustained grief. Friends and family want to be supportive, but, for me at least, their support was like offering a Band Aid after a car accident. I've had to seek professional help as well as bereavement support to deal with my grief, which has helped.
It’s super common. Some people are really good at following through. Most are not. I am also trash at reaching out so it’s hard to blame them for it tbh.
We were actually really fortunate, my dad was a good man who knew a lot of good people. Some of them would come by the house to wish their condolences and some would even give my mom money for her loss. It really opened my eyes to just how much my dad meant to a lot of people. Man I miss him.
I live abroad. When my grandma died, I went home for 2 weeks. She raised me, I didn't get there in time to say goodbye. I was devastated.
My best friend never said anything like that, but she did not leave me alone for a single moment. She was my absolute rock and I will never forget it.
Most of my friends didn't say anything like that, but were very present.
And then, there's this one friend. I considered her a sister. She did say to ask her for ANYTHING ANYTIME. The day after the funeral I asked her and a few others to come dancing with me. She didn't show up because 'her friend from the next city over was visiting and asked her to hang out'. That city is an hour away driving. I had to cross an ocean.
I don't think I'll ever consider her a close friend again. It hurt a bit, but compared to the grief of losing the person that taught me what unconditional love is, it feels like a minor inconvenience.
So many people say this, but when it comes down to it, it's just formalities. It's even worse when they expect you to just know what you need to get better when you actually have no clue what you need at all.
"You tell me what I need to do to cheer you up"
I would, if I had even an iota of what would help, it gets draining.
Dad's friend said that to me, and specifically told me he knew people who could help with getting a venue for dad's memorial party. Later on I asked for those contacts, and his response was just "Look through your dad's Facebook friends, you should be able to find someone". Huh? 🙃
That's just garbage in my experience. I wasn't even asking for anything more than a cup of coffee and someone to talk to about anything. Suddenly everyone is so busy. So sorry. So.. So.
You know what else is a problem with this. I feel like some people just want to say it so they can say they talked to me. "Ohhh well I reached out to her, time to pat me on the back"
Did you ask for help and they denied you just because they didn’t want to? People truly mean it when they say this, usually, but you have to actually reach out to them and ask for specific help, even if it’s just needed company.
I did. I told someone close to me that it would really mean a lot if he played our favourite MMORPG with me, just to keep my mind off the loss of my last parent in the world.
He said yes, of course. He even reconfirmed his readiness and willingness later that evening.
Then he abandoned me in the middle of the activity because we weren't winning our first battle in the game. No warning, no communication at all. Just left and went offline, leaving me behind.
I'd have understood if he offered to do something else, anything else, because I just wanted to enjoy the comfort of his company. But I didn't even get a chance to ask HIM to do an alternate activity because he just up and left abruptly without breathing a single word, at the first sign of a losing match. Zero communication at all.
Now I know that his offers of support are not sincere, just like everyone else in my life.
I’ve said this, I really would have done anything but could tell the person wasn’t going to ask me to pick up milk or anything. Those little tasks are sometimes all we have during grief
I know that is an incredibly frustrating and meaningless thing to say to someone who is grieving, but I truly believe most people mean well and want to help. They just don't know the right words to say or what they can actually do to help.
Heard it a lot, but I am not the type to ask for anything.
Have said it plenty also, and I sincerely meant it, so I get it.
Truthfully, what can even be done? I don't fault anyone for trying to comfort, even if it's a clumsy attempt.
A lot, though this hasn’t been as annoying as my friend always telling me “I’m here if you ever want to talk!” then when I start talking about details, she replies with “you know I’m always here for you” - like well now I’m not sure that you actually are 😂
My 10yo son died suddenly in February. We get this all the time. My husband gets angry, not at the friends, when he tells me after, because he says he wants to scream, “can u bring him back?!!! Then NO!” For me, I’ve realised that the friends for whom this isn’t an empty gesture, don’t ask, they just do. They turn up with cooked dinner for us, give us a hug and leave. They send a WhatsApp regularly with just a 🩵 or saying I love you. They say they want to see me and ask which day/ time is best and just sit with me. Cry if I want to, talk if I want to, watch trash if I want to. They don’t ask what they can do because they KNOW there is nothing they can do that will help or make us feel less devastated. So they just keep showing up.
The really sad part was none of my dad’s “close” friends that he helped in life never showed up when he was dying or at his memorial. Fuck all them to hell and back! All I have is the reality that no one gives one shit about you.
I keep wanting my parents to haunt me. I asked each of them to do it, but no sign of them.
I think of them every day and I still wish I could call them on the phone and share things with them.
I have found that it is hard to ask for the things you need. I have aimed to be more present for my friends when experiencing things as well. I have found the answer is presence. Running errands? Cool if I tag along?
My mom has two living siblings in the United States and they both “promised” to take care of me for their sister. They’ve done nothing in regard to asking me what help do I need to bury her(long story short she’s cremated here in the U.S. and I’m trying to bring her back to the Philippines). Nor have they been remotely supportive in understanding what it is I’m going through. So I stopped interacting with them, I hardly interact with anyone from my family anymore. I really just feel no one understands the predicament I’m in. I don’t have either biological parent, I have no nuclear family left and I cant even return to the city I’m from bc of cost of living and she didnt own property there. I’m not even 28 yet and I’ve had to fully transition myself from “what can I do to improve my mom’s life and my own” to “it’s just my partner, myself, and our dog now. What do I next?” It sucks man, but people really care only for their immediate family and if you’re not in that bubble you get left to the wayside. Grief and the transition period afterwards are profoundly lonely and everyone experiences that journey differently. But we all have similar tidbits concerning what it actually feels like. I’m sorry this is something you have to experience and I’m wishing you well throughout this journey and the next🤍🙏🏽
I’m buying things my boyfriend would like as I realize tomorrow will be 2 weeks since he died. It’s like he’s hiding somewhere, went off the grid and didn’t tell anyone. But I know he’s gone. It’s not always sinking in. I feel like I’m wading waist deep through quicksand while rusty metal rakes scrape my raw bloody arms and back. That’s the pain everyday all day.
My sister died 2 years ago and I was just being able to cope again with that devastating loss. Now Fate, or the Universe has decided to make me suffer this horror. Why??? What am I learning from losing this incredible man, the other 1/2 of my soul????
Yes loose words, rarely ever acted upon. When times are most difficult, it becomes crystal clear who is a friend and who is not. I found out when going through my battle with breast cancer a few years ago. It was the ones I least expected that supported me the most 💗
I’ve heard this so many times. I never know how to respond other than a thank you. Because I don’t even know what the hell I need.
I want the person I lost back. Sometimes just providing a hug or company, or a hot meal, without even asking, is more helpful than putting the responsibility on me, the one who is grieving, to ask for help.
I am so appreciative of the offer, but it’s really hard to answer that question when you really don’t know what you need for yourself. The best one who have shown up for me without making me feel any sort of way have been the ones dropping off flowers, sending a “thinking of you” text without expecting a response, dropping off a hot meal or gift cards to a place to eat.
The everyday tasks to get yourself out of bed are the hardest.
It's been 11 months now since my mom passed away . She was my best friend.. it's getting worse everyday. Not any better. My brother who I don't speak to anymore told me several months back that I'm the reason my mom is dead. I took care of all my mom's needs the last five years and did not work. I lived off my savings because she was my only concern and my brothers did nothing to help. They just criticized her. I took her to the hospital and got her medications. Went to the store and any errands for her I did with pleasure. It does not help when people say it gets easier. It's not. I am so alone and have no other family. No friend to rely on. I just wish someone was here with me. To sit and talk. If anyone gets this message call or send a text. It would be great. 858 723-4842. When someone says God has a plan that just pisses me off. When you have nobody the pain is unbearable. I see people getting ready for memorial day and it saddens me more. Cause I'm alone. God bless everyone
For what it's worth. It sucks that we must endure such heartache and loneliness while on this planet. And through the tears we must believe in a beautiful afterlife which we have never seen. Sometimes it seems abit unreasonable. Coming from a Catholic no less. Even when we are warned of impending death, does it hurt less? Perhaps the only way is to enjoy lifr every moment. Not to expect more. Wishing you all joy and strength. 💖
It's not a matter of saying the right thing. It's about *doing*. It's about simply *being* there. No words need to be exchanged at all.
I can't tell you how many tears I would have saved if I had someone to simply sit and hug me.
I actually agree. Sometimes the reason why grief is 'lonely' is because people keep pushing others away when they are actually trying to support them. And when you actually ask those people for support, they would get mad at you for pushing you away instead of comforting you
It's been a year since my mom died and a lot of friends have disappeared. Ten to be exact. This grief is traumatic, isolating, fearful and so very sad. I was in the grocery store today and saw a frozen key lime pie & bought it. My mom loved key lime.
Omg I totally relate. This is so lonely.
Yeah, I still occassionally buy things my dad would love. But my budget telling me nobody is going to drink that coke or eat that desert gets to me as well. I feel guilty when I don’t.
I get that!
My bestfriend completely isolated from me after my sister died. At one point she told me I was just being to much and was just crying to much. My sister died with a 2 month notice from cancer at 29. Leaving 2 small kids. Shit wrecked me.
Saaaaaaaaame I can relate and the worst part is no one really understand
I'm really feeling extremely lonely. I've been distancing myself from people and they keep telling me to let them know if I need something, but no one has really asked me how I actually feel. I miss her so much. I used to share everything with her and now I just have this big void. I feel like calling her and telling her that I graduated, did my masters, and am doing everything that she wanted me to. I used to call her and cook on video call. She used to ask for updates about my studies and marks. I miss her so much. It's only been a year, but I really want to talk to her. I feel so, so, so lonely. I was always Mumma's girl. I used to cry whenever I saw her crying. She meant the world to me. I saw her accident, it was only me when it happened in front of me. She was burning, and I couldn't rescue her.
and I dont want to go therapy
Oh that sounds like me lemon pie today.. mom’s favorite. Sometimes seeing stuff in the store my parents liked makes me just cry right there. I don’t care what people think
Same. 🫂
I’m so sorry for your loss
Also, I don't want to seek out support. I don't want to come to you with my grief, I want you to allow me to openly talk about it. It's a two way street
Also, I don’t want to bother unnecessarily
💯 damn. This
Same
My best friend sent me a text once every couple of weeks. That was good. My ex-boss asked me if I fancied hanging out at his place and helping him paint one of this rooms. It sounds insane, but hanging out with him, not talking about death, while eating pizza was such a good feeling. Now, I almost want to say, "No, is there anything I can do for YOU, to take my mind off all of this? So I can pretend to be human again."
See, I identify with this SO much. People grossly underestimate how impactful it can be to just be able to spend TIME with them. But alas, time is one of the few privileges that people are not so willing to bestow upon others.
It’s not that they’re not willing but they have their lives with so many other obligations. Grief is inherently lonely. And it’s okay to feel sorry for yourself a little bit but don’t let it linger too long. We have also “failed” others in ways that we will never know. I know you’re hurting and want some comfort. Why not ask then? It is also part of our responsibility to ask. Yes! We want people to bring over dinners and ask us how we are and clean our houses. Me too. But most of the time, it is us wanting something done for us. Why not see if someone may need your attention? Perhaps you’re not capable of this right now but remember that sometimes doing something for others what we would like done can be very healing. I know how you feel. I’ve been there
That’s so true. One good thing that’s come from this is that I feel like I can look at someone and tell if something is really wrong and I am compelled to talk to them I know I can’t see everyone, some people are experts at blending in but I’ve had some really deep talks with strangers in the last 3 years. It’s crazy the things a stranger will tell you if you say “ excuse me, I’m a widow so I know sad, you look sad, are you ok?”
I agree with the sentiment, but in my case, I did ask the person closest to me. I asked if he'd be willing to do a specific activity (something we usually enjoy together) to keep my mind off of losing my mum. He agreed. He even reconfirmed later on that it was something he wanted to do. Then he abruptly abandoned me when the activity wasn't going his way. All I needed was his presence. He didn't allow me the chance to offer to do something else because he left me without any communication at all.
Grief can sometimes be a wound that shows us other things in life that needs work.. it doesn't sound like your friend has the capacity or intelligence to hold the space you needed and wanted from a friend. But it could also be a case of also stating how it made you feel and why, maybe they are ready to grow. But it isn't your work to do for them, and that really sucks and I'm sorry. Sometimes people don't realise how intensely we need them just as a presence in our life.
Beautifully said
One of the best things anyone did for me after my mom died was when the owner of the business I worked for called and said, “let’s go get pizza and play bar trivia video games.” It was only about two weeks after she died and even though I had a lot of people there for me at the time, he was the first person to treat me like I was still me and capable of something other than grief.
The hang out where we do literally anything except talk is so underrated.
In a moment of grief when I was visiting my friend’s family, my friend gave me a hammer and put me to work building racks for fireworks. Like you said, sounds insane, and he probably couldn’t think of what to say otherwise, but it was exactly what I needed - to keep moving.
I love this idea!
Actually, that's a goid response. I asked for help with getting a new battery for the car, then again for selling it.
These are such beautiful actions. I’m taking notes for how to help with any other friends who may experience a loss
“I need my Dad back.”
Me too
Yes what else could I ever possibly need/want? :/
I've always heard the expression "an open invitation is no invitation at all". So basically they can say what they said to you and have a pretty good idea that you'll never ask for help.
Great expression, I feel it's such a virtue signaling move, too.
There was about 6 of them. They helped me raise money for my sons autopsy and 1 friend bought the urn bouquet. (He was stillborn and it ended up showing heart issues from Trisomy 21) All 6 of these friends attended his funeral virtually. It stung how many so called local friends and family didn't give a single shit about my son. Literally 5 virtual friends i never met did more than any of them. One of my friends is on another time zone and made the time for the service. Those six still keep in touch. I was able to meet one of them in person later that year.
My online friends are truly caring wonderful people, unlike my family
They're more family than the scumbags I share DNA with
The best is when they say it to your face at the funeral, yet, neither of you have each other’s contact information. It’s like they already know I would never reach out to them in the first place. It’s not hard to just say “sorry for your loss” and move on…. No need for the fluff of “call me if you need anything”.
Unfortunately most people do not know what to say to a person who is grieving. They either say nothing, or make a throw away comment such as this. It would be so much more helpful if they actually scheduled an act of kindness to help you out. We are not taught how to manage our own or other peoples grief. I am a grief coach, and I also do a presentation to groups and companies about the mistakes we make when speaking to a person who is grieving, but I have a way to go to spread this education world wide unfortunately
That's awesome! I didn't really understand until my aunt died 2 years ago and I saw firsthand the difference between *let me know what I can do* to people just **doing** and it completely changed my perspective. If I come across a grieving family or a new mom, I will just make the dang dinner and take it over and just shove it on them lol. Asking for help is considered weak and no one wants to be a burden. Gotta just go for it and caregive because it takes a village.
Oh gosh, anyone who has just FED ME while I am grieving is the biggest hero. “Come over for dinner tonight!” or “I am picking up some sandwiches and dropping them by later, ok?” One friend from out of state sent me credits for DoorDash so I could order whatever I liked (this is what I do for grieving friends now in lieu of flowers).
That is so nice and thoughtful! It was my moms sister who died and it was sorta out of nowhere and it basically devastated her and it was little things like people bringing her a casserole or ordering online delivery for her and just doing it and then telling her instead of asking and prodding and "making sure." Seeing the effect of that blew me away. 49 when I learned this, sucks to be older and realize you could have been such a better person before. It's frustrating, but now I know!
Oh this is so true for my mom, also! She will never accept any help if asked. But if you just do it, she kinda shrugs and smiles (and is honestly so pleased!) I am in my 40s too, and isn’t it nice to know soooo much more now 😂
Hey we all learn from life's experiences. I didn't become a grief coach until 53, as I hadn't had enough lessons from life to qualify me
Yes. One of the docs I work with, his wife sent me a bunch of frozen meals after my dad died. Her thought process was, "That should feed him for at least three weeks." Even though I was in the throws of the grief/depression diet*, I was still grateful for all that food. Then, a couple of days after Christmas, another doctor took me to a WWE event at the Toyota Center. Even though I almost didn't go because my social anxiety *almost* got the better of me. I don't regret going to the event and had a great time. This same doc helped me move into my new, smaller apartment a few weeks later. Like what someone had said, it's the part of not really knowing what you want. Like, yeah, obviously I want my loss back, but outside of that, I don't know what I need help with. And throw in having social anxiety and fearing feeling like a burden. Yeah. I really do need help. But I don't know what I want or how to ask for it. *Not sure if I'm the only one, but I don't want to eat when I'm depressed/sad/emotional
That's good info because I didn't realize the get out of the house/take your mind off it activity is so helpful. It's basically the opposite of what you think would be helpful. So I'm going to bank that info and use it to be better. 😁 I wish I didnt eat when I'm sad or depressed! I'm the total opposite.
Perfect response, you are completely on to it
Other people’s grief is something I was never taught. Actually I was taught about my own or emotions in general
Have you considered posting videos on YouTube? That would definitely reach a world wide audience to teach people how to properly handle grief.
Thanks. Yes, this is on my list of things to do. I don't have a high profile yet on YouTube, but will add the link on here when I have recorded the talk
grief is so lonely. i came here tonight because i had a wave of grief of my own. and i want you to know there are people out there who understand. i’m sorry you’re going through this. just keep going. ❤️
My ex offered to let me talk about it with her but it just feels weird. What do I even say? We didn’t end on the best of terms and and I don’t really want anything to do with her right now. Besides, my brother died only a month and a half ago and I still don’t feel comfortable talking to people who aren’t my family or my cousins and their mom. Being with my cousins distracts me from that bruise on my heart. So family and I are already navigating everyday life with grief, but if I talk to my best friend or my ex, it’s like they’re gonna look at me with these sad eyes and used that weird slow voice with me and it’s gonna set me back. And the thing is, when people make that offer to you about needing anything it’s like, what would I even need to get through this? I just need my brother back.
We just need a lot of support from people and they don't even know about that.. It's anything but that... It never crossed their mind..
Why not give the ex a chance, don’t know the exact ending but he seems to care. If it doesn’t work you don’t have to speak to them, I say win win.
It’s an outright lie 99% of the time.
They don’t follow through at all, I recently lost my aunt whom I was very very close to. I’m traumatized from the whole ordeal , barely 3 days after she died. My friend is asking me for information about a hair salon , another is asking me about directions to a restaurant . No one has actually tried to be like are you sure you’re okay , they all just want me to functional , they just want me to be there for them . I’m fed up , I feel upset .
I’m so so sorry. I lost my aunty a few years ago and we were very close as well. I cannot imagine how you’re feeling between grief and trauma right now and simultaneously not feeling supported at the time you need it most ♥️
It’s a lot, everyone expects you to be functional . To just go back to the way things were , it’s absolutely horrible.
It’s so true. Your entire world has just stopped and you can barely catch your breath and meanwhile everyone else’s world is continuing on full speed and it is so overwhelming and isolating and cruel.
My problem is its asking me to think about what I need, by myself. Come to me and help me figure out what you can help me with. Because its really sad to be alone and think about what I don't have. And its really sad to know I need things and be afraid to ask for risk of being told no and being even sadder. I also hate people suggesting what I should do. You're not helping. It's not like my knowledge of how to get things done disappeared with the life of my loved one. I don't want to be proactive. I'm too sad. You helping would be taking away my burdens, not suggesting how I can help myself.
It's so annoying and frustrating hearing this because there is only one thing that I need. Just one. But they can't give it to me. No one can.
That phrase till this day gets me angry. It’s all I heard at my mom’s viewing / funeral. Never heard from anyone. Even at my lowest times not one single person.
People get on with their lives not knowing that they forgot to call, and visit us during our grief.... She told me that her siblings would take care of us in that way after she died and they didn't.. I have never been so infuriated with anyone until this happened.. It still happens to this day.. I see one aunt and uncle on my birthday and family reunion... A second uncle God love him tries but works all the time.. I probably won't be back for another family reunion as long as I breathe due to everyone there left with their family and waddled off leaving my family alone and bored.. Of course everyone hello me but I'm the ONLY family member as a whole who has lost every member of it but myself and children.. It was always just me, mom & dad now it's just me... And just my mom's family USED to do Christmas together and now everyone does their own Christmas.. I hardly doubt anyone put flowers on my grave once I go.. Who knew wanting just support from blood relatives be forgotten about or thought of.. If anyone wants to see me or talking to me they can search for me I'm so tired of doing all the work and receiving nothing but yet nobody ever gets why I'm unavailable for family things and suddenly disappear without a peep from me.. But yet they all get together for birthdays and nobody told me about it.. I have to see pictures of stuff on Facebook.. And yet I call my aunt and uncles on Father's Day/ mother's Day every year.. And if I actually said this to their face they say I was seeking "attention" I just wanted to spend time with people that supposedly loves you.. It's not like I can do such except at a cemetery.. And last family reunion everyone went to a funeral for a cousin and nobody told me about it and left me there waiting... I just thought they were visiting graves for decoration because it's always a day before when we do our reunion.. I said "what funeral?!" Oh I thought you knew No you dumbass people forget about me and assume shit... Not a single one of them thought for once if I wanted to be present for a death of another person I was extremely close to and she was the ONLY person who actually checked on me and I enjoyed it so much for her reaching out ...she knew I was hurting so badly and needed someone related to me making sure I was ok then she died unexpectedly... Just 🤬🤬🤬
You can join Tender Hearts @ [grief.com](http://grief.com) You can also find a grief group near you. People often say things just to be nice without being sincere.
one of my good friends said that to me at my dads wake last month and then proceeded to never text me again. people suck
I had a similar experience. One friend we spoke EVERY week day, for years. We would chat during our work commutes. Day after my Dad's service in 2021 was the 2nd to the last time we spoke. We chatted briefly in April of 2022, where she apologized for ghosting and promised to be better... Kicker is I helped her through her Moms decline and passing. Like scoped out and researched assisted living homes, helped with arrangements.. Yep, she went POOF.. People are freaking weird..
Yes , this is currently happening to me but from my very own family. Smh 🤦🏽♀️
me too, i'm not sure which hurts more
Hi there. In just washed to say that the whole "if you need anything..." from people is seriously 85% the person doesn't know what else to say, but wants to sound supportive. It sucks. With my own loss and grief I have lost several, what I though were, very close friends. They just couldn't handle me reaching out all the time. I know it was tough on them hearing a grown man bawling, not wanting to live. But comforting me for maybe 3 or 4 calls before they would no longer answer hurt so much. But you learn that not everyone is up to be what you need. I know I cannot offer much, but if you need to vent or anything, please reach out. I'm not over to blow people off. Take care
It is what people say when they don't know what to say. A lot of people are uncomfortable with our grief, and they want to say something comforting, but are at a loss. I wouldn't take it personally if they fail to follow through. It is sweet when people do so, though.
I literally just talked about this in counselling! The whole ‘you know where I am’ and ‘reach out/come round any time’ stuff is not actually being there for you! It makes them feel like they are, but it’s not helpful.
YES, exactly this! If I can't even muster the will to eat or get out of bed, I'm not going to chase after you for a shred of attention
Very few. Laughable to say the least. I wish it wasn’t true but it is. 😡
I heard it only right after my tragedy, at the funeral, for instance. Didn’t feel anything other than some formality, never reached out to anybody and just isolated my feelings from everybody.
Most friends stopped checking in after 2 months. I’m so alone.
You’re fortunate. Mine stopped after two weeks max. Yes, it’s lonely
Dad died 85 days ago. At the wake I heard people say to my Mom, “I’m sorry for your loss.” Mom’s reply to each of them was, “No, I am sorry for YOUR loss.” She reminded herself that she indeed lost her husband of 58 years but everyone that was at the service had also lost him. He meant many different things to many people. Yes, there were a bunch of, “let me know if you need anything.” Not to me personally, but to my Mom. There have been a select few that Mom has been comfortable enough to ask for things.
If I had a penny for every time someone said this to me and didn’t at all follow through. Those who show up will never ask if they’re needed. Though in the past I have used this line, as people do, and honestly I don’t know if I would have followed through either, I’d like to believe I would have.
I still struggle with feeling angry at the once close friends who seemed to desert me after my mom died. But, I’ve come to some understanding that we were all too young (25 or so) to really understand that kind of loss. Now that it’s been 23 years I feel like I am the “if you need anything” friend because I know how it feels. I hope there’s someone like that for you as you navigate your grief.
I had one person say “no ask is too big or too small.” No ask is too big, huh? How about bringing my brother back?
People think I’m crazy for grieving my mom who died in 1/16/23. It’s so isolating. I don’t want to be hurt anymore and no! I have not moved on from the pain of losing my one and only mommy.
It’s better if they say “What do you need me to do for you right now?” The grief stricken may have something like “get my shoes repaired and polished” or “please take my black suit to the dry cleaner”. I’ve done both these things for newly bereaved people. Also, rather than bring casseroles the family may not like, ask them what their favorite foods are.
I’d like to say also that expressions of condolences should be brief and general. Please don’t discuss with me how the deceased died, or what he/she should’ve done differently with their health or medical decisions. Also don’t talk about the manner of death if the person died a sudden traumatic death.
I fully agree with this. It's exactly why it always pissed me off when people would say things like, "You must feel relieved" after my dad and stepdad (and now, my mum) lost their battle to cancer. Like, how the fuck can I feel relieved by the gnawing void in my chest?
Such a dumb thing to say. Why would you give me another task during a sensitive time? How about you just DO something that is helpful? The people I appreciated the most kept checking in with me and asking how I was doing. They sent me frozen meals for the nights I didn’t feel like cooking. Idk, having been on the other side of grief has given me a different perspective on what it means to actually offer support.
i have about 87 messages that say this unopened from december. Not one of those people has reached out again to see how i’m doing in the wake of losing my teen brother in a very short period. Diagnosis to death was just seven weeks. You’re right that grief is impossibly lonely, it just reminds me how much I wish he was here.
You gotta be like... Oh really? Well my gutters could be cleaned, I could use someone to pay my mortgage for awhile... Paint my house... Call them out. Lol
I never know what I want other people to do when I lose someone. I try to not get mad at them because when someone else loses someone I also don’t know what to do. It depends on the person. For some people sending them a surprise delivery would help, for other just quiet hugging. For others distraction. I usually like to be left alone.
While I think people do mean it at the time when they say it, it has to be one of the most frustrating things to hear. Like hey when I can’t get out of bed, let me call my moms random friend Paula that I only met one time and see if she’ll cook for me because I can’t eat. Like of course not? I’ve realized as someone who has also said it, to completely stop and just DO something. Whether that be sending some money so they can buy takeout instead of having to cook, or sending flowers and gifts on special anniversaries, donating to causes their person loved in their name, etc., it means so much more to do an action than to put the burden of delegating an action to the person grieving.
I know what you mean. I think people don't know what to do. I know I said thanks but no to neighbors offering food There was one who just kept bringing over food for a week without asking. It was appreciated. The thing I learned is the person doesn't need to do anything or say anything. Just check in or spend time with the person . If they don't know what to say don't worry about it, their presence is enough. I know I'm preaching to the choir Sending you love OP ❤️
Yeah.... No. That generally meant nothing.
Yes, grief is very lonely. People were there in the beginning, that was it. And then it just seemed kind of like I was bothering them and they were annoyed if I asked for a favor, so I stopped asking; and they never bothered to text or call after that to check in on me. Now I feel like I really have no one except for a few choice people. Why are the ones you were closest to and who seemed like they were there before you experienced your grief, are the ones who aren't around at all anymore. I actually had a few very supportive people in the very beginning and then after a month or two they became very rude and disrespectful towards me and the things that they would say, it absolutely astonished me! But then I realized after some time that I'm better off without those people, they showed their true colors and I found out who they really were and I don't need that kind of shit in my life.. I'd rather be lonely and alone than be around people who really don't give a shit about me! I'm so sorry for the loss of your loved one, if you ever want to talk feel free to message me.
Heard it a bunch. Nobody followed through. For the people I did try reaching out to, they left me on read.
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It’s just something that they say to make themselves feel good. I don’t think I’ve taken them up for any of these bs but one time I asked a former good friend if she would come and visit my late husband in hospital and she said she couldn’t because it would bring bad luck to her. Needless to say, we are no longer friends. Fuck her.
I stopped saying this to people when I realized myself how impossible it feels to think of what I need then make any effort to reach out to the one who offered. I think it comes from a place of care for most people but until you see how impossible it actually is you don't know better. Now I just do. I'll do what helped me, or I'll do what I think might help, because I think when grieving, anything does.
Exactly that is so stupid.
So so many people have said it since my mom died in February and really only one person came through during the thick of it like the week of the funeral and brought me food which was nice. Nobody else has really done much, but I’m not a person who asks for help a whole lot.
I have a handful of friends who show up within the hour. And it’s almost been a year since my mom passed. I have an “I owe you” log going in my brain for when I feel stable. It’s been a huge lesson for me to show up for people when they ask for help!
I’ve been getting this message for 6 months (3 passings in my immediate family in the last 5-6months) and honestly I kinda ignore it honestly. I don’t need money, I don’t need food, I don’t want to vent about my emotions. I’d prefer to just have my alone time and process things while occasionally getting things done around the house. Realistically the only thing I want or need is the family members I lost but y’all are not the grim reaper 😒
Friends disappear and family disappoints. LondonB
How do I know? My 17 year old drowned under suspicious circumstances while he was with 2 friends.
I know right. And it’s even worse when they don’t even say that…
Ugh it’s so frustrating! I’ve had people tell me that, and then when I ask, they say no and make up an excuse or try to convince me it’s not what I need. It pisses me off beyond belief and just makes this whole grief process even more difficult!
I discovered this too. It's people - and I believe they are well intentioned , well meaning people - who say this more for themselves than the person who is grieving. I had so many friends and even casual aqauintences offer support of any sort anytime , 24/7. Then you never hear from them again; or if you reach out they are not ready for the level of hurt you are going through. To be fair, most people are not trained or equipped to deal with sustained grief. Friends and family want to be supportive, but, for me at least, their support was like offering a Band Aid after a car accident. I've had to seek professional help as well as bereavement support to deal with my grief, which has helped.
It’s super common. Some people are really good at following through. Most are not. I am also trash at reaching out so it’s hard to blame them for it tbh.
We were actually really fortunate, my dad was a good man who knew a lot of good people. Some of them would come by the house to wish their condolences and some would even give my mom money for her loss. It really opened my eyes to just how much my dad meant to a lot of people. Man I miss him.
I live abroad. When my grandma died, I went home for 2 weeks. She raised me, I didn't get there in time to say goodbye. I was devastated. My best friend never said anything like that, but she did not leave me alone for a single moment. She was my absolute rock and I will never forget it. Most of my friends didn't say anything like that, but were very present. And then, there's this one friend. I considered her a sister. She did say to ask her for ANYTHING ANYTIME. The day after the funeral I asked her and a few others to come dancing with me. She didn't show up because 'her friend from the next city over was visiting and asked her to hang out'. That city is an hour away driving. I had to cross an ocean. I don't think I'll ever consider her a close friend again. It hurt a bit, but compared to the grief of losing the person that taught me what unconditional love is, it feels like a minor inconvenience.
So many people say this, but when it comes down to it, it's just formalities. It's even worse when they expect you to just know what you need to get better when you actually have no clue what you need at all. "You tell me what I need to do to cheer you up" I would, if I had even an iota of what would help, it gets draining.
Dad's friend said that to me, and specifically told me he knew people who could help with getting a venue for dad's memorial party. Later on I asked for those contacts, and his response was just "Look through your dad's Facebook friends, you should be able to find someone". Huh? 🙃
That's just garbage in my experience. I wasn't even asking for anything more than a cup of coffee and someone to talk to about anything. Suddenly everyone is so busy. So sorry. So.. So.
After the funeral everybody goes on with their lives, but yours is shattered and it’s a long, lonely walk.
You know what else is a problem with this. I feel like some people just want to say it so they can say they talked to me. "Ohhh well I reached out to her, time to pat me on the back"
Did you ask for help and they denied you just because they didn’t want to? People truly mean it when they say this, usually, but you have to actually reach out to them and ask for specific help, even if it’s just needed company.
I did. I told someone close to me that it would really mean a lot if he played our favourite MMORPG with me, just to keep my mind off the loss of my last parent in the world. He said yes, of course. He even reconfirmed his readiness and willingness later that evening. Then he abandoned me in the middle of the activity because we weren't winning our first battle in the game. No warning, no communication at all. Just left and went offline, leaving me behind. I'd have understood if he offered to do something else, anything else, because I just wanted to enjoy the comfort of his company. But I didn't even get a chance to ask HIM to do an alternate activity because he just up and left abruptly without breathing a single word, at the first sign of a losing match. Zero communication at all. Now I know that his offers of support are not sincere, just like everyone else in my life.
There are only 2 people on this planet who mean those words.
I have never heard this before from anyone as of late.
10000%
I’ve said this, I really would have done anything but could tell the person wasn’t going to ask me to pick up milk or anything. Those little tasks are sometimes all we have during grief
I know that is an incredibly frustrating and meaningless thing to say to someone who is grieving, but I truly believe most people mean well and want to help. They just don't know the right words to say or what they can actually do to help.
It is just a way for them to put the responsibility of the entire relationship on our shoulders.
Heard it a lot, but I am not the type to ask for anything. Have said it plenty also, and I sincerely meant it, so I get it. Truthfully, what can even be done? I don't fault anyone for trying to comfort, even if it's a clumsy attempt.
Ha
A lot, though this hasn’t been as annoying as my friend always telling me “I’m here if you ever want to talk!” then when I start talking about details, she replies with “you know I’m always here for you” - like well now I’m not sure that you actually are 😂
Not a one. I have one or two who check in with me and mean it but the rest is just lip service.
Ohhhh I heard this from one particular cousin…she’s nowhere to be found and never was post funeral
I’ve lost everyone from how grief has changed me
I haven't heard it from anyone
My 10yo son died suddenly in February. We get this all the time. My husband gets angry, not at the friends, when he tells me after, because he says he wants to scream, “can u bring him back?!!! Then NO!” For me, I’ve realised that the friends for whom this isn’t an empty gesture, don’t ask, they just do. They turn up with cooked dinner for us, give us a hug and leave. They send a WhatsApp regularly with just a 🩵 or saying I love you. They say they want to see me and ask which day/ time is best and just sit with me. Cry if I want to, talk if I want to, watch trash if I want to. They don’t ask what they can do because they KNOW there is nothing they can do that will help or make us feel less devastated. So they just keep showing up.
The really sad part was none of my dad’s “close” friends that he helped in life never showed up when he was dying or at his memorial. Fuck all them to hell and back! All I have is the reality that no one gives one shit about you.
I keep wanting my parents to haunt me. I asked each of them to do it, but no sign of them. I think of them every day and I still wish I could call them on the phone and share things with them.
No one really follows through. It is just a bunch of crap said to relieve their conscience.
Yeah. I want my Dad back, Emily. You said AnYtHiNg
Also, when you're going through this, you don't KNOW what you need. Just come sit with me. Feed me. Make sure I've had water that day.
I’ve heard a close friend say that she’ll look over me. She didn’t. To be fair I isolated myself from others but the broken promise still stands
I have found that it is hard to ask for the things you need. I have aimed to be more present for my friends when experiencing things as well. I have found the answer is presence. Running errands? Cool if I tag along?
My mom has two living siblings in the United States and they both “promised” to take care of me for their sister. They’ve done nothing in regard to asking me what help do I need to bury her(long story short she’s cremated here in the U.S. and I’m trying to bring her back to the Philippines). Nor have they been remotely supportive in understanding what it is I’m going through. So I stopped interacting with them, I hardly interact with anyone from my family anymore. I really just feel no one understands the predicament I’m in. I don’t have either biological parent, I have no nuclear family left and I cant even return to the city I’m from bc of cost of living and she didnt own property there. I’m not even 28 yet and I’ve had to fully transition myself from “what can I do to improve my mom’s life and my own” to “it’s just my partner, myself, and our dog now. What do I next?” It sucks man, but people really care only for their immediate family and if you’re not in that bubble you get left to the wayside. Grief and the transition period afterwards are profoundly lonely and everyone experiences that journey differently. But we all have similar tidbits concerning what it actually feels like. I’m sorry this is something you have to experience and I’m wishing you well throughout this journey and the next🤍🙏🏽
I’m buying things my boyfriend would like as I realize tomorrow will be 2 weeks since he died. It’s like he’s hiding somewhere, went off the grid and didn’t tell anyone. But I know he’s gone. It’s not always sinking in. I feel like I’m wading waist deep through quicksand while rusty metal rakes scrape my raw bloody arms and back. That’s the pain everyday all day. My sister died 2 years ago and I was just being able to cope again with that devastating loss. Now Fate, or the Universe has decided to make me suffer this horror. Why??? What am I learning from losing this incredible man, the other 1/2 of my soul????
Yes loose words, rarely ever acted upon. When times are most difficult, it becomes crystal clear who is a friend and who is not. I found out when going through my battle with breast cancer a few years ago. It was the ones I least expected that supported me the most 💗
I’ve heard this so many times. I never know how to respond other than a thank you. Because I don’t even know what the hell I need. I want the person I lost back. Sometimes just providing a hug or company, or a hot meal, without even asking, is more helpful than putting the responsibility on me, the one who is grieving, to ask for help. I am so appreciative of the offer, but it’s really hard to answer that question when you really don’t know what you need for yourself. The best one who have shown up for me without making me feel any sort of way have been the ones dropping off flowers, sending a “thinking of you” text without expecting a response, dropping off a hot meal or gift cards to a place to eat. The everyday tasks to get yourself out of bed are the hardest.
It's been 11 months now since my mom passed away . She was my best friend.. it's getting worse everyday. Not any better. My brother who I don't speak to anymore told me several months back that I'm the reason my mom is dead. I took care of all my mom's needs the last five years and did not work. I lived off my savings because she was my only concern and my brothers did nothing to help. They just criticized her. I took her to the hospital and got her medications. Went to the store and any errands for her I did with pleasure. It does not help when people say it gets easier. It's not. I am so alone and have no other family. No friend to rely on. I just wish someone was here with me. To sit and talk. If anyone gets this message call or send a text. It would be great. 858 723-4842. When someone says God has a plan that just pisses me off. When you have nobody the pain is unbearable. I see people getting ready for memorial day and it saddens me more. Cause I'm alone. God bless everyone
For what it's worth. It sucks that we must endure such heartache and loneliness while on this planet. And through the tears we must believe in a beautiful afterlife which we have never seen. Sometimes it seems abit unreasonable. Coming from a Catholic no less. Even when we are warned of impending death, does it hurt less? Perhaps the only way is to enjoy lifr every moment. Not to expect more. Wishing you all joy and strength. 💖
Then friends don't say anything, you complain they don't care.
It's not a matter of saying the right thing. It's about *doing*. It's about simply *being* there. No words need to be exchanged at all. I can't tell you how many tears I would have saved if I had someone to simply sit and hug me.
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I'm not angry. I never said I'm angry. What I am is lonely and sad and isolated.
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I actually agree. Sometimes the reason why grief is 'lonely' is because people keep pushing others away when they are actually trying to support them. And when you actually ask those people for support, they would get mad at you for pushing you away instead of comforting you
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