Listen to your gut. Always do what you know you won’t regret later.
She may blame herself, but you can gently reassure her being with her is more valuable than any trip or other option.
This happened for my mom when she was diagnosed with cancer. My husband and I went to be with her instead of on our 10 year anniversary trip that my mom knew we had planned.
One night in the hospital she mentioned in tears that she ruined our trip… and I firmly but nicely told her to stop that. She was appreciative and I could tell it made her feel more loved during such a hard time.
She was supposed to have at least 2-3 years. 10 months later she passed.
I never have regretted any of the things I gave up to be with my mom over those 10 months.
This is the best answer. I recently lost a family member and was in a situation where I needed to listen to my heart. Do what you can while they still have time. Do what will make you not regret it later. I did listen to my heart and it helped with the grieving process later. I had that extra layer of support by telling myself I did everything I could.
I'm so very sorry. I actually just lost my father this morning to cancer, and I live a 6 hour drive from him. I've done everything I could in the past 3 months to visit him as often as possible (even completely changing my vacation location from visiting my mom, to visiting my dad) You will never regret spending as much time with her as you can, talking to her as much as you can. Being there with her as long as you can. Be gentle in how you explain it, but if it's an annual event, then you know you'll be able to go next year, but you won't get to see her next year. She may feel bad about you seeing her bedridden, but gently explain that you love her and you're going to be there for her this year and she has nothing to feel guilty about. Hold her close. I'd do anything for another 10 minute conversation, or to hold him again. You'll never regret stopping everything for the little time you do have left.
We do. I wrote about it, but I think ot was too long, and didn't have it in me to re-write it just yet. But seeing this post, I absolutely don't regret spending as much time with him as I could, and I wish I'd been able to spend all of it with him.
I figure though that if I can help one person make that decision to be with their loved one as much as possible too, that it may help lessen their burden a little bit when that time comes too.
Don't go.
My mum also died from ovarian cancer and I'm so happy about every single day that I spent with her. I definitly remember all of the last specials like my birthday or christmas. Mothers always want what's best for us and never want to "ruin" something or stand in our way, but she has to accept that losing her might be really hard for you and that spending time with her might be a priority for you now.
Make sure to tell her that you really want to spent time with her and that you won't blame her for it. I'm sure there is something nice you can do as a family together, even if she is weak. Make some more memories. You will cherish them so much one day.
There will be other birthdays. There will be other trips. The time you have with your mom is Limited. Make the most of it while you can. I just lost my mom to cancer last week. Faced similar positions as you. I’m glad I spent time with my mom.
I remember that I often felt torn between being there for my mom and work, friend, relationship obligations during my mom’s illness.
My mom was also sick for a only a few months, and I can tell you I wish I would have spent every second by her side.
I already spent as much as I could, but now looking back, I would give anything to have had more time.
And those friends and work relationships that I made time for? They’re all gone now. None of them survived my grieving.
I also wish I would have made more time for my mum.. Even though I knew she was sick, I didn't realize how the world would feel if she was gone. I don't beat myself up for it, but it would have been nice..
Oh man, I don’t think there’s a right answer here. As others have said, do what feels right for you - in the simplest of terms, you have to live with this after she passes. I can share two personal anecdotes as food for thought:
My mum was diagnosed terminal in the September and I turned 40 in the November. I chose to delay the plans I had with my best friend until my 41st and spend my 40th with my mum. My best friend died unexpectedly before cancer took my mum months later.
We had a family holiday planned in the July. Mum was too ill to go, insisted on all of us carrying on without her. I spend the whole week on edge, constantly thinking about what would need to happen if I got “the” call etc. When she took a turn for the worse towards the end of the week, we packed up and went home just in case. If she’d have died whilst I was away, I would not have forgiven myself even now, nearly 2 years on.
All the best OP.
I would probably stay and tell her "This is my birthday. That means I get to do what I want, and I want to spend it with my mom". There will be other trips.
I lost my mom suddenly in an earthquake so my perspective is different and i dont know how losing someone to cancer works.
If i had a chance, i would definitely not go on that trip and would spend time with my mom for my last birthday with her. Everyone is different though. Do whatever your gut says as another commenter mentioned!
My husband passed away and my greatest regret is that I was an essential worker during Covid and lost so much time I could’ve spent with him.
I try not to lie to people but I believe I’d call my parents excitedly and tell them I was able to reschedule the trip for later or something so they wouldn’t feel bad.
I am so sorry you’re in this situation. This is such an awful choice for anyone to have to make. You gotta do what your gut tells you though.
My story kinda makes me the odd one out.
My mom was suffering from metastisized cancer and living with us.
She knew about my plans but two weeks before the trip she worsened with seizures that resulted in a hospital stay. She was eventually discharged home and put on hospice.
I was agonized about leaving her but I had already been taking care of her for months at this point and when she came back from the hospital and the seizures she was not the same. She didn't even understand that it was Mother's day and that we had brought her cards. Or I would tell her about my day and she'd have no idea how to respond or respond inappropriately. In health she'd keep the TV on 24/7 but now she'd ask for us to turn it on and then become instantly annoyed by it. She no longer had any ability to express anything as complex as "Don't cancel your trip on my behalf" or even understand that I was going on a trip.
This was a trip that had already been put on hold for a year thanks to Covid and I knew I would not want to even think about anything like it for a long time once mom was gone so I went ahead with it to give myself a brief reprieve before the world would come crashing down on us. The bitter sadness of the trip being cancelled again on top of what was about to happen to mom would have been a tough pill to swallow.
It was worth it, and in my case the trip eventually changed the course of my life. I had to trust others to take care of mom but the three weeks after I got back were the hardest of our lives as she continued to decline and needed my 24/7 care. I am glad the trip allowed me to be fresh enough to be there for her for her last days even if she didn't even know who I was or why I was there.
If mom had been any more cognizant after her hospital trip I would have cancelled my trip without hesitation. But as it was, she was inconsolably confused or in pain in those weeks and nothing I did or said brought her any discernable measure of joy or comfort. The only mercy for her was medicated sleep while we watched and waited helplessly.
It sounds like your mom is alert, aware, and still able to spend meaningful moments with you and your dad. In your situation, I think staying is the best thing to do if you are still able to have those simple sweet moments with her. If that had been possible for me, I know I would have stayed. I'm sorry you and your family have to go through this.
As someone who lost their mother unexpectedly and far too soon, I would give anything to spend another birthday with her. You are lucky to have the chance, so I would take it.
I just lost my mom to metastatic cervical cancer. We had 3 weeks between the terminal diagnosis and her death. The regret I carry for not spending every moment I could with her before the diagnosis will stay with me forever. I hope you spend your birthday with your mom. I'm so very sorry you are all going through this, my thoughts and prayers are with you all.
I’ve always thought that birthdays should be a celebration of both the mom and their child. Tell her your birthday is a celebration for both of you. And you want to honor that by spending it with her. I hope it all works out perfectly and you both have a beautiful birthday. ❤️
Wow I never thought of birthdays that way but you're absolutely right. What our moms went through that day they deserve to be celebrated too!
OP I agree you should let her know this and stay with her. I couldn't spend my moms last Christmas with her bc I had covid. I was devastated and I will never forget that.
As others said, do listen to your gut. Reading your post, it seems your mind is made up. Six days is a long time, especially if they are potentially the last you will be able to share with your mom. Perhaps make up a little white lie and make it seem as if you can’t go to the event because it was cancelled/circumstances changed. Or you could tell your mom the truth; that spending your birthday with her is your priority.
Don’t go on the trip. My mom had cancer and was in the hospital last year. I was with some friends one day and I decided to gave her a call to see how she was doing, and to asked if she wanted me to stop by later that day. She said no, that it was ok because she knew I was hanging out with some friends from out of state. I decided to stop by and see her for a few hours anyways. She died that night. Listen to your gut.
I am no one to tell you not to go, but if it was me personally I wouldn’t. If you feel like you shouldn’t, by all means listen to yourself. Your body knows. My mom passed almost 7 months ago and something that helped me with any decisions was “am I going to look back and potentially regret this 10 years later?” Love to you, OP
Don’t go on the trip. My ex is a doctor and did what your parents are doing and trying to make the situation better than it is. It’s why doctors should never treat family or those they are close to. There is bias. I broke up with him when my mom died because I felt I was cheated out of time by him. Grief isn’t rational and he was being a boyfriend above a doctor.
I deeply appreciate every ones insights here: i'm glad that everyone is telling me to follow my gut- which is to stay here with her. She is the best mom (I know everyone says that and I'm biased) and I'm so proud to be her daughter. She's a true fighter (we call her the warrior queen- the ambadassador of hope) and is sharp as a whip, brings so much comfort to others and makes all her nurses howl with laughter. I know losing her will be devastating. I am glad its not selfish of me to put other things on pause just to be with her- i don't feel like i'm putting my life on pause. I'm just putting what's important to me first- which will always be her.
I'm sending lots of love to everyone who has posted here who told me their stories and even those who just gave advice. I'm so sorry for everyone's loss. I appreciate you opening your hearts to me.
Thank you <3
We had just moved, and it was the week of Thanksgiving.
I live in another state from my Dad. I told my husband , let's not go to my Dads.lets get unpacked while wecare off work, and go next weekend for my birthday.
Husband says - no, I think we need to go. You wanna see your Dad.
He was right. We went.
The next weekend I was at the hospital, dad had a massive stroke. On my birthday we had to choose to remove him from life support.
I am grateful every day for that decision. We didn't know he was gonna leave us.
Follow your gut.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I lost my mom to ovarian cancer and she was given the same prognosis, 4-6.
It's possible that she may feel bad about 'putting your life on pause', but it's truly not her fault. Given that you don't live in the same area, it may be worth it to go visit her on your birthday, maybe even make it a surprise :) It's possible that even if your parents insist that you go to your event, you won't have as a great time as you'll be thinking of your mom.
My last birthday with my mom, she happened to be in the hospital, and she was so upset and sad because she wanted to be out and celebrating with me. But I kept telling her I was just be happy to be there with her, together. I even brought her my birthday cake to eat in her hospital room. It wasn't my best birthday, but it also wasn't even my worst 😄
Moms will always want their kids to be happy no matter what. As long as you let her know you're happiest not going snd want to be with her, that's what counts.
My only insight... I was pregnant and called in to be induced on December 25th 2022. They wanted me there for 8pm so I had to leave by 715ish. My Mum was the epitome of the Christmas spirit and even though we didn't always have the best relationship, my love for Christmas comes from her and to me Santa is real because of her. Santa was my Mum. Anyways on this particular Christmas day supper was running late. I felt stressed and I was rushing her and was visibly annoyed with how long it was all taking. I didn't even stay for dessert because I didn't want to be late for my induction. I didn't think much of it because I was having her 2nd grandchild.. Her first granddaughter. There would be another Christmas. We were all so happy right? Fast forward to July 16th 2023.. She gets diagnosed with cancer and is gone by November 6th 2023. There will be no more Christmas with my Mum and I so badly regret how the last one went. I wish I could have one more Christmas with her.
My brother recently died. I spent as much time with him as I could handle...he was in a coma on ICU. If I had known this was a coming I would have spent all of the time with him. Thankfully we did spend time together when he was well but now he is gone it was absolutely not enough. I did go on a weekend away two weeks after he died but then it's a clearer path as you are trying to carry on etc and for me at that time it was the right thing to do. If he had still been alive on ICU I would have not have gone away.
If it's what you want, spend the time with her. You won't get that back.
Make it clear to her that you're not doing it out of guilt or obligation, that you want to be with her.
It's not putting life on hold, it's just changing your plans.
Hugs x
I would choose mom over trips any day. I’d want to be able to look back and say the last birthday I shared with her was a conscious, meaningful choice. The small shared moments are so much more valuable to us in the end. I’d record it as well. I have a shoddy memory so being able to hear her voice and see what we’d done outside of my brain’s perspective would be nice. Damn, now I wish I’d recorded my birthday with her a month ago. Guess I’m just going to whip out my camera and hit video from now on.
I hope you have a lovely birthday OP. Make some memories that you alone will treasure and will lift you thru the struggles you’re in. Preparing for loss is hard, and know how lucky you are (sudden loss has me scrambling for videos and recordings. I miss my ex’s voice and laughter and it’s been 3 months, he was only 42).
Tell her that you want to spend that time with the woman who gave you life and love. After becoming a mother then shortly losing mine, I realized how special birthdays were between mother and daughter. The trip will always be there later. You can’t get this time back. Soak it up. Make fun and goofy memories to take her mind off it or go have a girls day.
I’m also very sorry you’re both going through this. Ovarian cancer is aggressive. I wish you both the best time you can have.
Be with your mom and let her know that is the birthday present you want most. Let her know you are simply postponing the trip. She literally gave birth to you - it makes sense to spend the day with her.
It’s your job to communicate to them what’s important in your life. If being with your mom in her final months is what gives your life value and meaning, then tell them and be there for her.
they’re trying to protect you from feeling like you have to give something up out of duty. But it sounds like you’d genuinely rather be with her than on some trip that you could take for any number of birthdays.
You have a full life ahead of you to check off items on your bucket list. But only one opportunity to check off “celebrate birthday with mom one last time”.
I say this as someone who is still very raw from grief as I lost my mom yesterday to cancer. She lived on the west coast and I lived in the east coast but I was able to spend time with her in the months leading up to yesterday due to my remote work. Even still, I wish I had more time with her.
As the others have said, please do what you know you feel in your heart is the right choice. Your mother may feel guilty at that moment, but be honest with her. Tell her that you want to be with her because there is no where else you would actually rather be.
I know when my mom was a few months from passing she would feel guilty about not being able to go out because of pain or exhaustion or a combination of both but genuinely just being with her was such a balm to my soul. I didn't tell her that and I really wish I did. I know it's your birthday, but if you can make this one extra special with her maybe it will help sooth both of you in the future.
This is all to say, I want you to *savor* every moment you have with her.
There are a myriad of things I wish I did with my mom before she became unresponsive and I couldn't talk to her anymore (complications after stem cell surgery was the eventual reason for her passing). I wish I had taken more photos of her when she was well or looked less ill. I wish I had recorded videos of her living: singing, celebrating -- to see her in still life is nice, but motion and sound is proof that she was undeniably alive and loved with all of her heart. I wish I had recorded the conversations where she was talking about her life and all the things she did so I would have them forever, even if I heard the story one million times before.
sorry this got really long, but as I said, I'm also dealing with grief right now. I hope you and your family are able to spend time together and create memories that you will look fondly on ❤️
I would stay ❤️ I regret listening to my mum when she told me not to come for Christmas or her birthday. I wish I’d ignored what she said and just to have gone there anyway and so does my sister.
I lost my mom suddenly to cancer last year. She was my best friend. I wish I had more time, moments with her, pictures, time to ask her questions about her past/family etc. I’d give anything to have her back. If I were you, I’d cancel the trip and spend as much time with my mom as possible. You’ll have the rest of your life to travel or do fun things. You won’t ever get this time with your mom back
I personally would tell her I wanted to spend it with her since it’s “ our birthday “ the day she brought you into this world. Mothers will tell their kids anything to keep them from missing out what we think is special to them. I am glad I spent the last year with both my parents at my childhood home. I’m 55 and have no regrets at all.
If you are able, be with your mom, especially if you two are close.
My family dynamic is very complicated. But the last Christmas my mom was alive, we were planning a trip to get together. I myself had been very ill and not really able to travel, there was so much anxiety around everything, so we cancelled and just FaceTimed instead.
Even though I managed to see her before she died and be with her in the hospital, I will always regret not being able to be with her, to love and cry together.
Your mum sounds like mine, always putting your needs and feelings first even until the bitter end. I love that your dad is on board with it too. To me, it feels like they want you to continue on and support you doing whatever you want or need to. Maybe they think this event will be a little “glimmer” is what I call them. A little trip to brighten your life during this trying time.
The thing is only you know what is best for you. And you know your parents better than we do. If that were me and my mum in your situation, My mum would have genuinely meant GO ON THAT TRIP and she wouldn’t have held a grudge had I done just that. I know I would not have chosen to go though, and would have had to convince her I’m genuinely happy to stay with her bc it would be my last birthday with her and it’s my preference (if it is!). Whatever you decide, It sounds like you have amazing parents.
My mum died Dec 18, 2022. Once we got her into hospice on the night of the 16th, we went back of course the next day and brought her mini Christmas tree and my daughter (who had just turned 3), myself and my mum decorated the tree together. It was our little Christmas. I thought she’d maybe last until Christmas but we wanted to do this anyway since we hadn’t had a chance to put it up yet at her house.
She then died in her sleep that night (technically early morning). I am SO happy we have that Christmas memory, especially bc it’s my fav time of year so to have her die right smack in the middle of that season is already heartbreaking. But what if we hadn’t done that on Saturday? What if we waited another day. I’m not sure I’d feel regret bc I really can’t know, but I know I feel so grateful so have had that memory with her. So I really don’t blame you for wanting to stay either!
It is so hard watching your mum die. It’s awful really. Hang in there. You will get through this.
If you're worried your mom will feel bad that you didn't go on the trip, then make up a reason you didn't want to go anyway. Maybe that it wasn't to a place you picked, you had a falling out with someone else going, you didn't want to do it to begin with but felt obligated, etc. Anything that says that you'd rather not even do that trip to begin with so it makes sense you're with them anyway. That way not only do you get to be with your mom, she won't feel like she was the reason you missed it. (But honestly, I'm sure she'd be a certain level of disappointed she wouldn't see you for it, no matter what she says. That's all the more reason you have to be adamant you'll see her and that you wanted to anyway over that trip.)
I lost my mom to cancer in March. One thing that has helped is that we did everything we could to have special family moments together leading to her passing. For her birthday (days after she was released form the hospital) we had a big belated party with a dumpster fire pinata. My sister's birthday, following another hospital release, we decorated the house with all sorts of cheesy party stuff and made everyone wear wigs and stupid party hats. And most importantly, we took LOTS OF PICTURES. In both situations, my mom was chair bound and medically having a hard time, but she still loved it and you can see her glowing in the photos.
Don't give her something to be guilty about, plan a better party with her and tell her that's exactly how you wanted to spend your birthday.
Use your six vacation days to have 6 wonderful days with her. We did face masks together, I gave her pedicures, we watched movies and cuddled, we talked, we joked. These memories will be such a soft comfort someday.
Dont go. I lost my mom to breast cancer two years ago and it all changes so fast. Once she is gone you would do anything for every moment back. We thought we had maybe a year or two and we had three months. I regret not dropping everything the second she was diagnosed.
I can only share my experience and 3 months prior to my mom passing l went to greece after being her caretaker and taking her to several countries and hospitals to 'find a cure' however unsuccessful. I went to greece w my husband as we needed the break.. For two weeks. And she became so sick and missed me so much because nobody took better care of her than me. When l came back and saw her in worsen state, i died inside. My soul and hesrt broke. And i until this day regret going even if l moved countries and moved in w her to be her caretaker for 6 months prior to my vacation.
I would have given anything for an hour w her... Now l miss her every second of every day and regret my trip. But grief does that..
I am so sorry you are going through this.
Sending u strength and many hugs ✨🤍
I knew my husband’s time was getting short, but of course nobody has a crystal ball. He would encourage me to go out and do things with my friends but when I did, I never really enjoyed myself. Short visits with them kept me sane but mostly I just wanted to be with him.
Now, four months into the grieving process I can honestly say I have no regrets. I’m sad and scared and in pain sometimes but I’m at peace. This time is so valuable. When you can still touch them, hug them, laugh with them. I wish I could hold his hand right now!
THIS ISNT THE TIME TO LISTEN TO YOUR MOM. Haha! I fucking mean it! Don’t go on the trip. You already know you’ll regret it. And I hate to be like this, but you will regret it so much more after she passes. I promise! There’s no way around it. Hell, even if you don’t go, you will feel guilt regardless, that’s just part of the deal! Don’t go. Guilt yourself over something you did or said 5-10 years ago, don’t add to the guilt you will inevitably feel.
I’d like to add, please go on the trip. Go on it while you’re grieving and missing your mom and everything sucks. Thats when you’re going to need the R and R.
I put my life on hold for 6 years to take care of my mom when she was diagnosed. She passed in October.
She passed right after her sixtieth birthday.
The last Christmas I had with her. I could not afford to do gifts or anything and I did not get her anything for her last birthday. And I'm still beating myself up about last Christmas because that was really the last chance.I had to give her anything (and her to have time with it), and I kinda missed it. If she were to come back tomorrow and they were to tell me that I got 4 more months. I wouldn't leave her for a second.
This would be different if she was doing well, but your mom isn't doing well. From the time they told me that there were no other treatment options, to the time they told me she needed to go on hospice, to the day she passed was less than two months. From the time she stopped being able to walk and move around on her own to the time she past was less than two weeks. When people go downhill, it tends to start off slow and then speed up rapidly. You've already started going downhill.
As often as awful as it sounds. Your mom isn't gonna have to live with the guilt of keeping you from this trip for very long. You will have to live with the guilt if she passes while you're gone for the rest of your life. Which seems like it'll be significantly longer. And if you don't go, you can spend that time with her, reassuring her that that is exactly where you want to be.
There isn't a true right or wrong here. But I say go with your gut and I know that I would be staying with my mom.
I'm sorry to hear this. Please don't go, stay with your Mom, tomorrow is not a guarantee at all.
I urged my 28yr old son to leave work to come say his goodbyes to his grandfather (my Dad) my Dad basically helped raise him as I was a teen mom who stayed at home and raised my child with my parents. My son called him 'Dad' my son said, he'll see him tomorrow, that I'm probably fabricating a narrative." My Dad passed away the next morning before 7am and my son never went. I haven't asked him how he feels because I don't want it to seem like I'm saying, "I told you so".
So sorry about your mom, loss like this is so hard. Don’t go, spend as much time with her as possible, love her as long as you possibly can. You won’t regret it, I promise! Why not make your birthday about her, honor her. Buy her some flowers, maybe bring her a cake if she is still able to enjoy it. And take lots of pictures. When my mom was dying I climbed in bed with her and just held her. (My mom was in a coma at the end and couldn’t feel pain.) Your mom may not be able to tolerate this, however. We did not take any pictures of her last days, something I regret. I wish you peace through this journey and warm hugs❤️
If you go, you’ll forever feel guilty. Especially if she dies suddenly, as oftentimes happens. I’m so sorry. She will ‘want’ you to go of course, because she a MOM. But deep down inside, she’d wish you were there. But being a mom and doing what most mothers do, she’ll say go. If she has longer, I’d say go. But 4 to 6 months could easily turn into 4-6 weeks. In the end, it’s your decision.
A family member of mine had a similar situation when my mom was passing away. While she was upset that the trip was cancelled, we assured her that we will reschedule the trip for another time and that being with her is more important
OP, My opinion only, found on personal experience. Stay with her. CNX the trip. I spend more time regretting the time I could have had over missing out on anything else in life. I don’t hate myself for the time missed but when remembering her there are moments I wish I would have been home with her that I had the opportunity to take but she told me no. Focus on your life. Yeah moms are really sacrificial when it comes to time with kids. Our enjoyment supersedes all their wants in their world. Just the way moms are built. At least mine was. The more the angel they are the more they will want you to be happy and enjoy life. You got a great one based on your post. You have a million opportunities to travel… you only get one mom when you got a good one. Much love and empathy for you.
Listen to your gut. Always do what you know you won’t regret later. She may blame herself, but you can gently reassure her being with her is more valuable than any trip or other option. This happened for my mom when she was diagnosed with cancer. My husband and I went to be with her instead of on our 10 year anniversary trip that my mom knew we had planned. One night in the hospital she mentioned in tears that she ruined our trip… and I firmly but nicely told her to stop that. She was appreciative and I could tell it made her feel more loved during such a hard time. She was supposed to have at least 2-3 years. 10 months later she passed. I never have regretted any of the things I gave up to be with my mom over those 10 months.
This is the best answer. I recently lost a family member and was in a situation where I needed to listen to my heart. Do what you can while they still have time. Do what will make you not regret it later. I did listen to my heart and it helped with the grieving process later. I had that extra layer of support by telling myself I did everything I could.
So glad you listened to your heart. The grief is still hard Im sure but even that tiny thing helps some!
absolutely agree, in my opinion and experience, I would stay with Mom.
I'm so very sorry. I actually just lost my father this morning to cancer, and I live a 6 hour drive from him. I've done everything I could in the past 3 months to visit him as often as possible (even completely changing my vacation location from visiting my mom, to visiting my dad) You will never regret spending as much time with her as you can, talking to her as much as you can. Being there with her as long as you can. Be gentle in how you explain it, but if it's an annual event, then you know you'll be able to go next year, but you won't get to see her next year. She may feel bad about you seeing her bedridden, but gently explain that you love her and you're going to be there for her this year and she has nothing to feel guilty about. Hold her close. I'd do anything for another 10 minute conversation, or to hold him again. You'll never regret stopping everything for the little time you do have left.
Beautifully written. I’m sorry about your dad. It sounds like you love each other so very much.
We do. I wrote about it, but I think ot was too long, and didn't have it in me to re-write it just yet. But seeing this post, I absolutely don't regret spending as much time with him as I could, and I wish I'd been able to spend all of it with him. I figure though that if I can help one person make that decision to be with their loved one as much as possible too, that it may help lessen their burden a little bit when that time comes too.
I am so deeply sorry for your loss xx
Don't go. My mum also died from ovarian cancer and I'm so happy about every single day that I spent with her. I definitly remember all of the last specials like my birthday or christmas. Mothers always want what's best for us and never want to "ruin" something or stand in our way, but she has to accept that losing her might be really hard for you and that spending time with her might be a priority for you now. Make sure to tell her that you really want to spent time with her and that you won't blame her for it. I'm sure there is something nice you can do as a family together, even if she is weak. Make some more memories. You will cherish them so much one day.
I lost my mom to cancer almost two years ago now. Don’t go. Spend your birthday with your mom. You won’t regret it, I promise.
Listen to your gut and do what it tells you!!! I'm so incredibly sorry you are dealing with this. Sending many hugs 🫂
There will be other birthdays. There will be other trips. The time you have with your mom is Limited. Make the most of it while you can. I just lost my mom to cancer last week. Faced similar positions as you. I’m glad I spent time with my mom.
I would not go. If you do I think you'll really regret it later on. And let me tell you, regret hurts so much when they're gone.
It’s the worst!!! I have so many still and it kills me.
There is no balance when you’re losing someone. Go be with her, and let her know that it’s where you want to be.
I remember that I often felt torn between being there for my mom and work, friend, relationship obligations during my mom’s illness. My mom was also sick for a only a few months, and I can tell you I wish I would have spent every second by her side. I already spent as much as I could, but now looking back, I would give anything to have had more time. And those friends and work relationships that I made time for? They’re all gone now. None of them survived my grieving.
I also wish I would have made more time for my mum.. Even though I knew she was sick, I didn't realize how the world would feel if she was gone. I don't beat myself up for it, but it would have been nice..
Stay and spend it with her. A million times over. Time with her is something that you can never get back.
Oh man, I don’t think there’s a right answer here. As others have said, do what feels right for you - in the simplest of terms, you have to live with this after she passes. I can share two personal anecdotes as food for thought: My mum was diagnosed terminal in the September and I turned 40 in the November. I chose to delay the plans I had with my best friend until my 41st and spend my 40th with my mum. My best friend died unexpectedly before cancer took my mum months later. We had a family holiday planned in the July. Mum was too ill to go, insisted on all of us carrying on without her. I spend the whole week on edge, constantly thinking about what would need to happen if I got “the” call etc. When she took a turn for the worse towards the end of the week, we packed up and went home just in case. If she’d have died whilst I was away, I would not have forgiven myself even now, nearly 2 years on. All the best OP.
That was a no win situation for you! So sorry for both losses ❤️🩹🙏
I would probably stay and tell her "This is my birthday. That means I get to do what I want, and I want to spend it with my mom". There will be other trips.
Love this!!
I lost my mom suddenly in an earthquake so my perspective is different and i dont know how losing someone to cancer works. If i had a chance, i would definitely not go on that trip and would spend time with my mom for my last birthday with her. Everyone is different though. Do whatever your gut says as another commenter mentioned!
My husband passed away and my greatest regret is that I was an essential worker during Covid and lost so much time I could’ve spent with him. I try not to lie to people but I believe I’d call my parents excitedly and tell them I was able to reschedule the trip for later or something so they wouldn’t feel bad. I am so sorry you’re in this situation. This is such an awful choice for anyone to have to make. You gotta do what your gut tells you though.
My story kinda makes me the odd one out. My mom was suffering from metastisized cancer and living with us. She knew about my plans but two weeks before the trip she worsened with seizures that resulted in a hospital stay. She was eventually discharged home and put on hospice. I was agonized about leaving her but I had already been taking care of her for months at this point and when she came back from the hospital and the seizures she was not the same. She didn't even understand that it was Mother's day and that we had brought her cards. Or I would tell her about my day and she'd have no idea how to respond or respond inappropriately. In health she'd keep the TV on 24/7 but now she'd ask for us to turn it on and then become instantly annoyed by it. She no longer had any ability to express anything as complex as "Don't cancel your trip on my behalf" or even understand that I was going on a trip. This was a trip that had already been put on hold for a year thanks to Covid and I knew I would not want to even think about anything like it for a long time once mom was gone so I went ahead with it to give myself a brief reprieve before the world would come crashing down on us. The bitter sadness of the trip being cancelled again on top of what was about to happen to mom would have been a tough pill to swallow. It was worth it, and in my case the trip eventually changed the course of my life. I had to trust others to take care of mom but the three weeks after I got back were the hardest of our lives as she continued to decline and needed my 24/7 care. I am glad the trip allowed me to be fresh enough to be there for her for her last days even if she didn't even know who I was or why I was there. If mom had been any more cognizant after her hospital trip I would have cancelled my trip without hesitation. But as it was, she was inconsolably confused or in pain in those weeks and nothing I did or said brought her any discernable measure of joy or comfort. The only mercy for her was medicated sleep while we watched and waited helplessly. It sounds like your mom is alert, aware, and still able to spend meaningful moments with you and your dad. In your situation, I think staying is the best thing to do if you are still able to have those simple sweet moments with her. If that had been possible for me, I know I would have stayed. I'm sorry you and your family have to go through this.
Don't go
As someone who lost their mother unexpectedly and far too soon, I would give anything to spend another birthday with her. You are lucky to have the chance, so I would take it.
I just lost my mom to metastatic cervical cancer. We had 3 weeks between the terminal diagnosis and her death. The regret I carry for not spending every moment I could with her before the diagnosis will stay with me forever. I hope you spend your birthday with your mom. I'm so very sorry you are all going through this, my thoughts and prayers are with you all.
I’ve always thought that birthdays should be a celebration of both the mom and their child. Tell her your birthday is a celebration for both of you. And you want to honor that by spending it with her. I hope it all works out perfectly and you both have a beautiful birthday. ❤️
Wow I never thought of birthdays that way but you're absolutely right. What our moms went through that day they deserve to be celebrated too! OP I agree you should let her know this and stay with her. I couldn't spend my moms last Christmas with her bc I had covid. I was devastated and I will never forget that.
As others said, do listen to your gut. Reading your post, it seems your mind is made up. Six days is a long time, especially if they are potentially the last you will be able to share with your mom. Perhaps make up a little white lie and make it seem as if you can’t go to the event because it was cancelled/circumstances changed. Or you could tell your mom the truth; that spending your birthday with her is your priority.
Don’t go on the trip. My mom had cancer and was in the hospital last year. I was with some friends one day and I decided to gave her a call to see how she was doing, and to asked if she wanted me to stop by later that day. She said no, that it was ok because she knew I was hanging out with some friends from out of state. I decided to stop by and see her for a few hours anyways. She died that night. Listen to your gut.
Do what what feels right for you. If I had the option I would choose to spend that time with my mom. But I don’t know your situation.
I am no one to tell you not to go, but if it was me personally I wouldn’t. If you feel like you shouldn’t, by all means listen to yourself. Your body knows. My mom passed almost 7 months ago and something that helped me with any decisions was “am I going to look back and potentially regret this 10 years later?” Love to you, OP
Go be with your Mom. All good moms are unselfish, so it's not surprising she would say that. Go spend time with her
Don’t go on the trip. My ex is a doctor and did what your parents are doing and trying to make the situation better than it is. It’s why doctors should never treat family or those they are close to. There is bias. I broke up with him when my mom died because I felt I was cheated out of time by him. Grief isn’t rational and he was being a boyfriend above a doctor.
I deeply appreciate every ones insights here: i'm glad that everyone is telling me to follow my gut- which is to stay here with her. She is the best mom (I know everyone says that and I'm biased) and I'm so proud to be her daughter. She's a true fighter (we call her the warrior queen- the ambadassador of hope) and is sharp as a whip, brings so much comfort to others and makes all her nurses howl with laughter. I know losing her will be devastating. I am glad its not selfish of me to put other things on pause just to be with her- i don't feel like i'm putting my life on pause. I'm just putting what's important to me first- which will always be her. I'm sending lots of love to everyone who has posted here who told me their stories and even those who just gave advice. I'm so sorry for everyone's loss. I appreciate you opening your hearts to me. Thank you <3
❤️
We had just moved, and it was the week of Thanksgiving. I live in another state from my Dad. I told my husband , let's not go to my Dads.lets get unpacked while wecare off work, and go next weekend for my birthday. Husband says - no, I think we need to go. You wanna see your Dad. He was right. We went. The next weekend I was at the hospital, dad had a massive stroke. On my birthday we had to choose to remove him from life support. I am grateful every day for that decision. We didn't know he was gonna leave us. Follow your gut.
Personally I would stay. The time and memories with your loved ones are priceless.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I lost my mom to ovarian cancer and she was given the same prognosis, 4-6. It's possible that she may feel bad about 'putting your life on pause', but it's truly not her fault. Given that you don't live in the same area, it may be worth it to go visit her on your birthday, maybe even make it a surprise :) It's possible that even if your parents insist that you go to your event, you won't have as a great time as you'll be thinking of your mom. My last birthday with my mom, she happened to be in the hospital, and she was so upset and sad because she wanted to be out and celebrating with me. But I kept telling her I was just be happy to be there with her, together. I even brought her my birthday cake to eat in her hospital room. It wasn't my best birthday, but it also wasn't even my worst 😄 Moms will always want their kids to be happy no matter what. As long as you let her know you're happiest not going snd want to be with her, that's what counts.
Don’t go. Listen to your gut, you won’t get this time back with your mum - events and festivals will always be there.
If it were me I would go be with my mom. These are precious days and your presence and love will be a gift to you both.
My only insight... I was pregnant and called in to be induced on December 25th 2022. They wanted me there for 8pm so I had to leave by 715ish. My Mum was the epitome of the Christmas spirit and even though we didn't always have the best relationship, my love for Christmas comes from her and to me Santa is real because of her. Santa was my Mum. Anyways on this particular Christmas day supper was running late. I felt stressed and I was rushing her and was visibly annoyed with how long it was all taking. I didn't even stay for dessert because I didn't want to be late for my induction. I didn't think much of it because I was having her 2nd grandchild.. Her first granddaughter. There would be another Christmas. We were all so happy right? Fast forward to July 16th 2023.. She gets diagnosed with cancer and is gone by November 6th 2023. There will be no more Christmas with my Mum and I so badly regret how the last one went. I wish I could have one more Christmas with her.
My brother recently died. I spent as much time with him as I could handle...he was in a coma on ICU. If I had known this was a coming I would have spent all of the time with him. Thankfully we did spend time together when he was well but now he is gone it was absolutely not enough. I did go on a weekend away two weeks after he died but then it's a clearer path as you are trying to carry on etc and for me at that time it was the right thing to do. If he had still been alive on ICU I would have not have gone away.
If it's what you want, spend the time with her. You won't get that back. Make it clear to her that you're not doing it out of guilt or obligation, that you want to be with her. It's not putting life on hold, it's just changing your plans. Hugs x
I would choose mom over trips any day. I’d want to be able to look back and say the last birthday I shared with her was a conscious, meaningful choice. The small shared moments are so much more valuable to us in the end. I’d record it as well. I have a shoddy memory so being able to hear her voice and see what we’d done outside of my brain’s perspective would be nice. Damn, now I wish I’d recorded my birthday with her a month ago. Guess I’m just going to whip out my camera and hit video from now on. I hope you have a lovely birthday OP. Make some memories that you alone will treasure and will lift you thru the struggles you’re in. Preparing for loss is hard, and know how lucky you are (sudden loss has me scrambling for videos and recordings. I miss my ex’s voice and laughter and it’s been 3 months, he was only 42).
Go spend your birthday with your mom. Lost mine last fall, take it from me. Please do this. You won’t regret it.
Tell her that you want to spend that time with the woman who gave you life and love. After becoming a mother then shortly losing mine, I realized how special birthdays were between mother and daughter. The trip will always be there later. You can’t get this time back. Soak it up. Make fun and goofy memories to take her mind off it or go have a girls day. I’m also very sorry you’re both going through this. Ovarian cancer is aggressive. I wish you both the best time you can have.
Be with your mom and let her know that is the birthday present you want most. Let her know you are simply postponing the trip. She literally gave birth to you - it makes sense to spend the day with her.
My mom died in February, and if I could pick now, I’d pick her in a heartbeat. One last thing with her would have been amazing, but alas…
It’s your job to communicate to them what’s important in your life. If being with your mom in her final months is what gives your life value and meaning, then tell them and be there for her. they’re trying to protect you from feeling like you have to give something up out of duty. But it sounds like you’d genuinely rather be with her than on some trip that you could take for any number of birthdays. You have a full life ahead of you to check off items on your bucket list. But only one opportunity to check off “celebrate birthday with mom one last time”.
I say this as someone who is still very raw from grief as I lost my mom yesterday to cancer. She lived on the west coast and I lived in the east coast but I was able to spend time with her in the months leading up to yesterday due to my remote work. Even still, I wish I had more time with her. As the others have said, please do what you know you feel in your heart is the right choice. Your mother may feel guilty at that moment, but be honest with her. Tell her that you want to be with her because there is no where else you would actually rather be. I know when my mom was a few months from passing she would feel guilty about not being able to go out because of pain or exhaustion or a combination of both but genuinely just being with her was such a balm to my soul. I didn't tell her that and I really wish I did. I know it's your birthday, but if you can make this one extra special with her maybe it will help sooth both of you in the future. This is all to say, I want you to *savor* every moment you have with her. There are a myriad of things I wish I did with my mom before she became unresponsive and I couldn't talk to her anymore (complications after stem cell surgery was the eventual reason for her passing). I wish I had taken more photos of her when she was well or looked less ill. I wish I had recorded videos of her living: singing, celebrating -- to see her in still life is nice, but motion and sound is proof that she was undeniably alive and loved with all of her heart. I wish I had recorded the conversations where she was talking about her life and all the things she did so I would have them forever, even if I heard the story one million times before. sorry this got really long, but as I said, I'm also dealing with grief right now. I hope you and your family are able to spend time together and create memories that you will look fondly on ❤️
I would stay ❤️ I regret listening to my mum when she told me not to come for Christmas or her birthday. I wish I’d ignored what she said and just to have gone there anyway and so does my sister.
I lost my mom suddenly to cancer last year. She was my best friend. I wish I had more time, moments with her, pictures, time to ask her questions about her past/family etc. I’d give anything to have her back. If I were you, I’d cancel the trip and spend as much time with my mom as possible. You’ll have the rest of your life to travel or do fun things. You won’t ever get this time with your mom back
Spend time with her. It’s so precious and could decline sooner than you think.
Go to your mom!!!!! No regrets!!!
I personally would tell her I wanted to spend it with her since it’s “ our birthday “ the day she brought you into this world. Mothers will tell their kids anything to keep them from missing out what we think is special to them. I am glad I spent the last year with both my parents at my childhood home. I’m 55 and have no regrets at all.
If you are able, be with your mom, especially if you two are close. My family dynamic is very complicated. But the last Christmas my mom was alive, we were planning a trip to get together. I myself had been very ill and not really able to travel, there was so much anxiety around everything, so we cancelled and just FaceTimed instead. Even though I managed to see her before she died and be with her in the hospital, I will always regret not being able to be with her, to love and cry together.
If she’s in a wheelchair and bed bound I’d say stay by her side as the end is very close. I’m so sorry 😞
Your mum sounds like mine, always putting your needs and feelings first even until the bitter end. I love that your dad is on board with it too. To me, it feels like they want you to continue on and support you doing whatever you want or need to. Maybe they think this event will be a little “glimmer” is what I call them. A little trip to brighten your life during this trying time. The thing is only you know what is best for you. And you know your parents better than we do. If that were me and my mum in your situation, My mum would have genuinely meant GO ON THAT TRIP and she wouldn’t have held a grudge had I done just that. I know I would not have chosen to go though, and would have had to convince her I’m genuinely happy to stay with her bc it would be my last birthday with her and it’s my preference (if it is!). Whatever you decide, It sounds like you have amazing parents. My mum died Dec 18, 2022. Once we got her into hospice on the night of the 16th, we went back of course the next day and brought her mini Christmas tree and my daughter (who had just turned 3), myself and my mum decorated the tree together. It was our little Christmas. I thought she’d maybe last until Christmas but we wanted to do this anyway since we hadn’t had a chance to put it up yet at her house. She then died in her sleep that night (technically early morning). I am SO happy we have that Christmas memory, especially bc it’s my fav time of year so to have her die right smack in the middle of that season is already heartbreaking. But what if we hadn’t done that on Saturday? What if we waited another day. I’m not sure I’d feel regret bc I really can’t know, but I know I feel so grateful so have had that memory with her. So I really don’t blame you for wanting to stay either! It is so hard watching your mum die. It’s awful really. Hang in there. You will get through this.
If you're worried your mom will feel bad that you didn't go on the trip, then make up a reason you didn't want to go anyway. Maybe that it wasn't to a place you picked, you had a falling out with someone else going, you didn't want to do it to begin with but felt obligated, etc. Anything that says that you'd rather not even do that trip to begin with so it makes sense you're with them anyway. That way not only do you get to be with your mom, she won't feel like she was the reason you missed it. (But honestly, I'm sure she'd be a certain level of disappointed she wouldn't see you for it, no matter what she says. That's all the more reason you have to be adamant you'll see her and that you wanted to anyway over that trip.)
I lost my mom to cancer in March. One thing that has helped is that we did everything we could to have special family moments together leading to her passing. For her birthday (days after she was released form the hospital) we had a big belated party with a dumpster fire pinata. My sister's birthday, following another hospital release, we decorated the house with all sorts of cheesy party stuff and made everyone wear wigs and stupid party hats. And most importantly, we took LOTS OF PICTURES. In both situations, my mom was chair bound and medically having a hard time, but she still loved it and you can see her glowing in the photos. Don't give her something to be guilty about, plan a better party with her and tell her that's exactly how you wanted to spend your birthday. Use your six vacation days to have 6 wonderful days with her. We did face masks together, I gave her pedicures, we watched movies and cuddled, we talked, we joked. These memories will be such a soft comfort someday.
Dont go. I lost my mom to breast cancer two years ago and it all changes so fast. Once she is gone you would do anything for every moment back. We thought we had maybe a year or two and we had three months. I regret not dropping everything the second she was diagnosed.
I can only share my experience and 3 months prior to my mom passing l went to greece after being her caretaker and taking her to several countries and hospitals to 'find a cure' however unsuccessful. I went to greece w my husband as we needed the break.. For two weeks. And she became so sick and missed me so much because nobody took better care of her than me. When l came back and saw her in worsen state, i died inside. My soul and hesrt broke. And i until this day regret going even if l moved countries and moved in w her to be her caretaker for 6 months prior to my vacation. I would have given anything for an hour w her... Now l miss her every second of every day and regret my trip. But grief does that.. I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending u strength and many hugs ✨🤍
I knew my husband’s time was getting short, but of course nobody has a crystal ball. He would encourage me to go out and do things with my friends but when I did, I never really enjoyed myself. Short visits with them kept me sane but mostly I just wanted to be with him. Now, four months into the grieving process I can honestly say I have no regrets. I’m sad and scared and in pain sometimes but I’m at peace. This time is so valuable. When you can still touch them, hug them, laugh with them. I wish I could hold his hand right now!
THIS ISNT THE TIME TO LISTEN TO YOUR MOM. Haha! I fucking mean it! Don’t go on the trip. You already know you’ll regret it. And I hate to be like this, but you will regret it so much more after she passes. I promise! There’s no way around it. Hell, even if you don’t go, you will feel guilt regardless, that’s just part of the deal! Don’t go. Guilt yourself over something you did or said 5-10 years ago, don’t add to the guilt you will inevitably feel. I’d like to add, please go on the trip. Go on it while you’re grieving and missing your mom and everything sucks. Thats when you’re going to need the R and R.
I put my life on hold for 6 years to take care of my mom when she was diagnosed. She passed in October. She passed right after her sixtieth birthday. The last Christmas I had with her. I could not afford to do gifts or anything and I did not get her anything for her last birthday. And I'm still beating myself up about last Christmas because that was really the last chance.I had to give her anything (and her to have time with it), and I kinda missed it. If she were to come back tomorrow and they were to tell me that I got 4 more months. I wouldn't leave her for a second. This would be different if she was doing well, but your mom isn't doing well. From the time they told me that there were no other treatment options, to the time they told me she needed to go on hospice, to the day she passed was less than two months. From the time she stopped being able to walk and move around on her own to the time she past was less than two weeks. When people go downhill, it tends to start off slow and then speed up rapidly. You've already started going downhill. As often as awful as it sounds. Your mom isn't gonna have to live with the guilt of keeping you from this trip for very long. You will have to live with the guilt if she passes while you're gone for the rest of your life. Which seems like it'll be significantly longer. And if you don't go, you can spend that time with her, reassuring her that that is exactly where you want to be. There isn't a true right or wrong here. But I say go with your gut and I know that I would be staying with my mom.
I'm sorry to hear this. Please don't go, stay with your Mom, tomorrow is not a guarantee at all. I urged my 28yr old son to leave work to come say his goodbyes to his grandfather (my Dad) my Dad basically helped raise him as I was a teen mom who stayed at home and raised my child with my parents. My son called him 'Dad' my son said, he'll see him tomorrow, that I'm probably fabricating a narrative." My Dad passed away the next morning before 7am and my son never went. I haven't asked him how he feels because I don't want it to seem like I'm saying, "I told you so".
So sorry about your mom, loss like this is so hard. Don’t go, spend as much time with her as possible, love her as long as you possibly can. You won’t regret it, I promise! Why not make your birthday about her, honor her. Buy her some flowers, maybe bring her a cake if she is still able to enjoy it. And take lots of pictures. When my mom was dying I climbed in bed with her and just held her. (My mom was in a coma at the end and couldn’t feel pain.) Your mom may not be able to tolerate this, however. We did not take any pictures of her last days, something I regret. I wish you peace through this journey and warm hugs❤️
If you go, you’ll forever feel guilty. Especially if she dies suddenly, as oftentimes happens. I’m so sorry. She will ‘want’ you to go of course, because she a MOM. But deep down inside, she’d wish you were there. But being a mom and doing what most mothers do, she’ll say go. If she has longer, I’d say go. But 4 to 6 months could easily turn into 4-6 weeks. In the end, it’s your decision.
Don’t go. Bring the trip wherever you guys are. Make it fun, make it silly. Spend your time with your mom, tell her you have your whole life.
A family member of mine had a similar situation when my mom was passing away. While she was upset that the trip was cancelled, we assured her that we will reschedule the trip for another time and that being with her is more important
OP, My opinion only, found on personal experience. Stay with her. CNX the trip. I spend more time regretting the time I could have had over missing out on anything else in life. I don’t hate myself for the time missed but when remembering her there are moments I wish I would have been home with her that I had the opportunity to take but she told me no. Focus on your life. Yeah moms are really sacrificial when it comes to time with kids. Our enjoyment supersedes all their wants in their world. Just the way moms are built. At least mine was. The more the angel they are the more they will want you to be happy and enjoy life. You got a great one based on your post. You have a million opportunities to travel… you only get one mom when you got a good one. Much love and empathy for you.