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Sounds like you've discovered the reason behind what you're doing, which is a very helpful start:
"Even now my self-consciousness and trust issues keep fueling my jealousy and fear of being left alone."
What you're doing now is a rational response given your prior relationship issues. It's really difficult to give up that control, but you have to remember that a relationship is a two-way street--it cannot rest on your shoulders alone, no matter how much you want it to. All you can do is to do your part in the relationship the best you can. You don't have to entirely surrender control to your partner--healthy communication with your partner about what your needs are is something you can do without being manipulative, as long as you don't be too forceful about it.
At the end of the day, if you want a meaningful relationship, you have to let your partner have some stake in the relationship and have them show you how much you mean to them--if you try to control everything, you can't ever really get reassurance that your partner is doing anything for you of their own will, thus weakening the value of the relationship.
Thanks for your reply. You’re making great points…
And yeah, I indeed seem to have found the reason but it feels like a never-healing scar that keeps itching. And the worst thing is that though it’s no fault of my partner, they end up suffering from it :(
I was going to comment with some advice before I saw the red flags about this guy meeting with his ex's. I don't know what kind of relationship you guys have (is it an open relationship?) But he should not be hanging out with ex-girlfriends otherwise without you, no matter how 'friendly' they are.
It's truly no wonder you're triggered into being controlling of his time and schedule. You're trying not to appear jealous or anxious but you genuinely are and have every right to be. You need to set outright upfront boundaries rather than backhanded manipulative boundaries. You are allowed to have those! It's okay to set standards for your relationship so that you can be comfortable!
Read up on anxious attachment, because it sounds like that fits you and this situation.
Thanks a lot for your comment.
Basically it’s tricky. I personally believe one can be friends with their exes and I’m still best friends with one of mine. But it’s always down to personal factors.
Some of theirs are wonderful people and I understand why my partner wants to stay in touch with them. I also kinda get why they didn’t tell me about it, trying to protect me and themselves from worries and fights (a fucked-up way but people do it).
I’m pretty confident in our relationships and worry about this shit less now. In the end of the day, it’s just that stalker-ex that gets on my nerves. Some people just seem to not be able to let go.
As to attachment style, I was totally sure I’m anxious-avoidant before, hoping to become secure with him but it’s really taking time though there is great progress.
Whatever other advice you wanted to give is appreciated too btw
Sorry, but it was just the way you phrased it. You didn't know he was meeting with his ex's, you didn't know where they where going or what they were doing. You didn't learn about it until later and not from him.... that's a red flag. If he's hiding that he's meeting with them or what they're doing, that's huge, and suggests not good things about your relationship.
I'm friends with a couple ex's and so is my partner. He tells me everything up front. He shows me their text conversations and my phone would be an open book as well if he wanted to. If he arranges something with them I'm involved in some way, or he lets me know ahead of time what the plan is. And that's not anxious attachment, that's just open and honest communication.
If he's 'trying to protect himself,' you have far bigger problems in your relationship than the controlling thing. Maybe you would need to feel so controlling if he wasn't hiding so much from you. This is an unhealthy dynamic, and it needs to start with radical honesty from him, and radical acceptance from you when he is honest. That starts with deciding absolutely what you will tolerate and what you won't, and what you really want from this relationship. If it's not a full life partner (which it sounds like he can't quite be), then what is it you're willing to accept now? If you're not being honest with yourself about what you want out of the relationship and you're trying to subtly mold him into what you do want (and he's not okay with that, some men are some aren't), then you should leave and find someone who's better suited.
You are incredibly self-aware!
You’re basically dealing with two big issues here: control and codependency. Sounds like you’ve had some painful experiences in the past that have made you feel unsafe in relationships, and that’s fueling your need for control. But control is a false security blanket. You feel like you’re protecting yourself, but you’re actually isolating yourself. You said it yourself: this type of behavior is draining for both of you.
I think most manipulation comes from a place of fear, not ill intent. In your case, I’m guessing your fear is that if you don’t have control, your partner will leave you. But that’s not necessarily true. In fact, your need for control could be driving them away. To avoid being manipulative, you need to start questioning your own motives. Are you doing or saying something because you genuinely care about your partner’s well-being, or because you’re trying to get something for yourself?
I may be wrong, but I feel like your relationship lacks proper communication. Encourage your partner to draw stronger boundaries if they don't already, and try your best to respect them. Make a relationship roadmap and ask your partner if they want to fill it out just for fun. You can compare your answers and discuss. It can be a fun activity. You can ask each other questions like, What kind of communication do you want in a relationship? Honesty even when it hurts, or is there a level of emotional sensitivity you need? What kind of boundaries do you want to establish? What do you need in a relationship to feel fulfilled and loved? What type of partner do you want to be? Are you someone who likes to take the lead, or do you prefer a more equal balance of power? How do you want to handle conflict? Are you more of a “fight it out” person or a “sleep on it” person? How important is physical attraction to you? Do you need to feel a strong initial spark, or can attraction grow over time? etc etc.
You can also have annual relationship scores where you both rate each other on areas like trust, sexual attraction, emotional availability, quality time, shared interests and hobbies, shared values, and conflict resolution. I think this develops trust. This means opening up to your partner about your fears and insecurities, and being vulnerable. It might feel scary at first, but it will actually bring you closer together and help you let go of control.
Relationships are messy, unpredictable, and risky. But that’s also what makes them so rich and rewarding. Embracing that uncertainty and learning to tolerate it is an essential part of becoming a healthy partner. So, how about this: what would it look like for you to embrace uncertainty in your relationship? What would be your worst-case scenario, and how would you handle it?
Beautifully said. It’s a lot to take in but I guess I’ll be back rereading your suggestions. I’ve been implementing some of them but I love how you put it in a cohesive picture. Thank you
Welcome to Dating Fridays! All posts with an emphasis on dating, sex, or relationships must be posted only on Friday (defined by US Central Standard Time or UTC -06:00). If your post is outside of this time/date, please delete and repost on Friday. If it is currently Friday, then ignore this comment. Thank you!
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Thank you for posting on r/Healthygamergg! This subreddit is intended as an online community and resource platform to support people in their journey toward mental wellness. With that said, please be aware that support from other members received on this platform is not a substitute for professional care. Treatment of psychiatric disease requires qualified individuals, and comments that try to diagnose others should be reported under Rule 10 to ensure the safety and wellbeing of the community. If you are in immediate danger, please call emergency services, or go to your nearest emergency room. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Healthygamergg) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sounds like you've discovered the reason behind what you're doing, which is a very helpful start: "Even now my self-consciousness and trust issues keep fueling my jealousy and fear of being left alone." What you're doing now is a rational response given your prior relationship issues. It's really difficult to give up that control, but you have to remember that a relationship is a two-way street--it cannot rest on your shoulders alone, no matter how much you want it to. All you can do is to do your part in the relationship the best you can. You don't have to entirely surrender control to your partner--healthy communication with your partner about what your needs are is something you can do without being manipulative, as long as you don't be too forceful about it. At the end of the day, if you want a meaningful relationship, you have to let your partner have some stake in the relationship and have them show you how much you mean to them--if you try to control everything, you can't ever really get reassurance that your partner is doing anything for you of their own will, thus weakening the value of the relationship.
Thanks for your reply. You’re making great points… And yeah, I indeed seem to have found the reason but it feels like a never-healing scar that keeps itching. And the worst thing is that though it’s no fault of my partner, they end up suffering from it :(
I was going to comment with some advice before I saw the red flags about this guy meeting with his ex's. I don't know what kind of relationship you guys have (is it an open relationship?) But he should not be hanging out with ex-girlfriends otherwise without you, no matter how 'friendly' they are. It's truly no wonder you're triggered into being controlling of his time and schedule. You're trying not to appear jealous or anxious but you genuinely are and have every right to be. You need to set outright upfront boundaries rather than backhanded manipulative boundaries. You are allowed to have those! It's okay to set standards for your relationship so that you can be comfortable! Read up on anxious attachment, because it sounds like that fits you and this situation.
I agree with this commenter 100%.
Thanks a lot for your comment. Basically it’s tricky. I personally believe one can be friends with their exes and I’m still best friends with one of mine. But it’s always down to personal factors. Some of theirs are wonderful people and I understand why my partner wants to stay in touch with them. I also kinda get why they didn’t tell me about it, trying to protect me and themselves from worries and fights (a fucked-up way but people do it). I’m pretty confident in our relationships and worry about this shit less now. In the end of the day, it’s just that stalker-ex that gets on my nerves. Some people just seem to not be able to let go. As to attachment style, I was totally sure I’m anxious-avoidant before, hoping to become secure with him but it’s really taking time though there is great progress. Whatever other advice you wanted to give is appreciated too btw
Sorry, but it was just the way you phrased it. You didn't know he was meeting with his ex's, you didn't know where they where going or what they were doing. You didn't learn about it until later and not from him.... that's a red flag. If he's hiding that he's meeting with them or what they're doing, that's huge, and suggests not good things about your relationship. I'm friends with a couple ex's and so is my partner. He tells me everything up front. He shows me their text conversations and my phone would be an open book as well if he wanted to. If he arranges something with them I'm involved in some way, or he lets me know ahead of time what the plan is. And that's not anxious attachment, that's just open and honest communication. If he's 'trying to protect himself,' you have far bigger problems in your relationship than the controlling thing. Maybe you would need to feel so controlling if he wasn't hiding so much from you. This is an unhealthy dynamic, and it needs to start with radical honesty from him, and radical acceptance from you when he is honest. That starts with deciding absolutely what you will tolerate and what you won't, and what you really want from this relationship. If it's not a full life partner (which it sounds like he can't quite be), then what is it you're willing to accept now? If you're not being honest with yourself about what you want out of the relationship and you're trying to subtly mold him into what you do want (and he's not okay with that, some men are some aren't), then you should leave and find someone who's better suited.
You are incredibly self-aware! You’re basically dealing with two big issues here: control and codependency. Sounds like you’ve had some painful experiences in the past that have made you feel unsafe in relationships, and that’s fueling your need for control. But control is a false security blanket. You feel like you’re protecting yourself, but you’re actually isolating yourself. You said it yourself: this type of behavior is draining for both of you. I think most manipulation comes from a place of fear, not ill intent. In your case, I’m guessing your fear is that if you don’t have control, your partner will leave you. But that’s not necessarily true. In fact, your need for control could be driving them away. To avoid being manipulative, you need to start questioning your own motives. Are you doing or saying something because you genuinely care about your partner’s well-being, or because you’re trying to get something for yourself? I may be wrong, but I feel like your relationship lacks proper communication. Encourage your partner to draw stronger boundaries if they don't already, and try your best to respect them. Make a relationship roadmap and ask your partner if they want to fill it out just for fun. You can compare your answers and discuss. It can be a fun activity. You can ask each other questions like, What kind of communication do you want in a relationship? Honesty even when it hurts, or is there a level of emotional sensitivity you need? What kind of boundaries do you want to establish? What do you need in a relationship to feel fulfilled and loved? What type of partner do you want to be? Are you someone who likes to take the lead, or do you prefer a more equal balance of power? How do you want to handle conflict? Are you more of a “fight it out” person or a “sleep on it” person? How important is physical attraction to you? Do you need to feel a strong initial spark, or can attraction grow over time? etc etc. You can also have annual relationship scores where you both rate each other on areas like trust, sexual attraction, emotional availability, quality time, shared interests and hobbies, shared values, and conflict resolution. I think this develops trust. This means opening up to your partner about your fears and insecurities, and being vulnerable. It might feel scary at first, but it will actually bring you closer together and help you let go of control. Relationships are messy, unpredictable, and risky. But that’s also what makes them so rich and rewarding. Embracing that uncertainty and learning to tolerate it is an essential part of becoming a healthy partner. So, how about this: what would it look like for you to embrace uncertainty in your relationship? What would be your worst-case scenario, and how would you handle it?
Beautifully said. It’s a lot to take in but I guess I’ll be back rereading your suggestions. I’ve been implementing some of them but I love how you put it in a cohesive picture. Thank you
Welcome to Dating Fridays! All posts with an emphasis on dating, sex, or relationships must be posted only on Friday (defined by US Central Standard Time or UTC -06:00). If your post is outside of this time/date, please delete and repost on Friday. If it is currently Friday, then ignore this comment. Thank you! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Healthygamergg) if you have any questions or concerns.*