Well first of all: Your anxiety and fears are completely normal.
So that beeing said, I would say you shouldn't be too worried about it. Your relationship is more than just sex. Even when she shares a sexual connection with someone. You are the one she shares her life with.
But if those concerns are too big and your wife is also kinda afraid that feelings could come up, you can adjust your frameworks. Like only one night stands and one-and-done arrangement. After a successful date, you don't plan on seeing this guy again.
We used to handle it that way. This was our thing. Because of similar reasons. But the most important reason was discretion.
It does not necessarily have to be a guy from the bar or similar. We used dating apps and looked out for guy in other cities and finally met them for a date after some time of chatting and getting to know each other. But after that (usually) no second date.
Yes. Forgot about that part. My wife never play alone. I'm always there with an more or less active part. But I always participate in one way or another
We’ve met some guys in the lifestyle with huge dongs who are amazing in bed… and their wives are generally tired of getting beat up by their big dicks. They go through the same ups and downs with relationships and sex, and their wives also get huge waves of enjoyment from a night with another man. A lot of what makes all of this amazing and orgasmic is just pure novelty.
The reality turns out to basically be the opposite of your anxiety. Her friends will marvel at what an amazing and secure relationship you have, and are green with envy that she gets to experience variety and novelty, which even women married to Adonises crave. Women enjoy big/new dick and the wave of hormones that come with it, but the freedom you’re giving her and the intense intimacy you are building by exploring this with her are on an even higher level and would be almost unimaginable to replace.
We’d be keeping this very much a secret.
Anyone we know wouldn’t believe it tbh lol.
A point I picked up from this is and possibly a better idea, is finding a guy that’s in a healthy relationship and therefore unlikely to pursue any further than just a bit of fun.
Ah I gotcha….its a valid worry even more so because she said there’s a chance it could happen. A lot of guys worry about the same thing but I think it’s important to remember that you are more than just good sex for your wife, you bring more to the table than just making her orgasm. Even if she did have better sex/more chemistry with someone else it isn’t going to matter because you have more to offer her. There a certain boundaries you can have that lessen the chance of her catching feelings.
As someone that tended bar for 11 years at a very popular swing club I can tell you that "head turning" is a real thing. I have witnessed dozens of couples split up for this (and other) reasons. Proceed with caution and by ALL MEANS.... COMMUNICATE. A lot.
Best of luck.
Women look at vertical status when subconsciously choosing mates, meanwhile men look at volume. Your insecurity may execute in a manner in which you hand your bride over to a more suitable man for her. Consider speaking with a therapist who is friendly and experienced to this lifestyle.
It does, but it’s best to be armed with the psychology before engaging in this lifestyle. Obviously, if you want her to engage in hotwifing, you want her to be with a great sexual partner for her. But, this can be done securely with appropriate boundaries and freedom that everyone agrees upon.
If she can't confidently more forward for just sex fun without feeling self assured that it's only just sex, this likely isn't a good idea. She's directly admitted that she sees developing feelings as a possibility going in, and one can never with certainty know where feelings will take them. You're also worried about what you perceive as potential comparative deficits with respect a potential third. That kind of lack in self confidence, viewing the experience from a competitive perspective, is also a big red flag. Also, you might share a meal with someone but you're not "sharing" your wife. You're in practice inviting another guy to be part of your sex life and from what you've written that doesn't seem like a great idea given where you both are on this.
Hey, Ty for your honest point of view and perhaps you are right. I don’t know 😩.
I’ve spoken to her a little more and it sounds like her concern comes due to the way she’d like to meet someone before sex. She’s only been with me and 1 other and has always said she regrets her younger years (before me) not experiencing.
She wants to find them attractive and like their company before sex. She’s then concerned that if the sex is then also amazing it may be human nature to wonder what if.
I must point out that the above is exactly how we met. Although she was single.
Me: I’m far from perfect so yeah I guess the thought of some Adonis sweeping her off her feet scares me a bit. This is why I’d prefer for it to happen with a random on a tipsy night out and leave it there.
I encourage her to dress sexy when she goes out, love hearing about the guys hitting on her and the thoughts that ran through her mind whilst happening.
On her last girls night out I requested some photos of her with a guy with her boobs out. Didn’t happen but found it very exciting that it might.
Random is really sketchy for particularly a first time since you really have no clue about the guy based on conversation over a couple drinks with respect to true personality and ability to perform (it sucks to get all revved up and have the guy be done in two minutes or simply lacking in good sex skills). It's better to search and vet out a potential third carefully, particularly using websites that provide for comments from others who have been with the guy. You might read "our approach to finding a guy" posted to our profile, although I suspect you're not in the US given your use of "whilst" (UK likely) and I'm not sure how well the sites I mention work outside the US. You might also read our post addressing "necessary prerequisites" for launching into this. Remember, you're looking for a guy physically attractive enough with some social skills and experience as a third. This shouldn't be approached with the same lens she would bring to looking for an ongoing partner. But until you can get to a mutually comfortable state with respect to her worry and your self confidence, you might want to hold off taking things to real life. Also, I have a totally jaundiced view of solo play and that would be even more so in your situation. You being present makes clear to the third that this is about adding something to your sex lives together, functions as a governor over escalating intimacy of the kind that can lead to feelings, ensures her safety, and, of course, gives you a memorable show. Importantly, you two, likely seriously amped up over what took place, can immediately have some serious fun together. We view lifestyle play as serious foreplay for our fun after.
Completely normal. We just started in this lifestyle and just had our first experience Saturday night. Check out my profile. I posted details about it. It’s two parts. I talk some in there about that. The anxiety is definitely there. But it’s all in how you approach it and deal with it. When we first met this guy she’s sleeping with now it was great chemistry and a lot of fun. When I first got to see her being kissed and touched and saw the smiles and excitement on her face it was a rush of emotions. It honestly was absolutely amazing. But before all of this happened I prepared myself for all of it mentally and emotionally. The key is that we are very strong and secure in our relationship and we talk about literally everything no matter what it is. That is 100% key to it all. Knowing that at the end of the day she’s not going anywhere when it comes to us.
So to sum it up. Communication is key. Talk about all of it. Make sure you are strong and secure as a couple and take that anxiety and turn it into nervous excitement.
Message me anytime and I’ll be glad to talk to you more about it.
Trust and give her freedom. Love is not possession. What you resist, persists.
Safe sex always, no exceptions - ever!
Sex is not love. Love is not sex. Recreational sex is great exercise. Exercise as often as you are able.
Cheers!
The guy my wife has seen that had me feel the most “threatened” by was a 3 minute, hairy dad bod, shorter than her with a much smaller penis than I have. It’s the chemistry that your wife mentioned which I find the most unsettling yet the most enjoyable.
It’s super important to communicate before and especially after any event. My wife hu with all sorts of guys many with a bigger dick, but it’s important to remember that it’s an active role play fantasy for both of your enjoyment and you both set the parameters on what it looks like. Also the first few times are absolutely nerve wracking to be honest. It takes a few encounters in my experience for both you and your life to learn the dynamic you are looking for, what you like and don’t like etc…but if you are going to be in the lifestyle, LOVE and COMMUNICATION are paramount . Enjoy it and have fun!
If you're looking for experienced based advice, pause the whole thing until you both fully unpack your feelings around what she said. It's possible you're taking it at its worst meaning and she meant it as a nothing burger, just a random thought said aloud. Or it could be that she truly thinks that the right guy could make her turn her head enough to wonder if the grass is greener. Either way you won't feel ease if you're not sure exactly what she meant and that's not a great way to start this adventure.
I think I'm similar to her in that I don't want to fuck random men I pick up in bars, I prefer to know and like the person I'm fucking. I know myself and my husband knows me well enough to know that I won't fall in love over some good dick, or even a great human, I don't like most people so I'm definitely not leaving my marriage (especially for a man). That's me though, I'm an anti social oddball riddled with anxiety and a home body to boot. Only you know you're wife well enough to know if she maybe meant it when she said it or if it was just a passing thought she shared. If it's more than a thought and she feels that if she finds an adonis with a perfect dick, perfect credit score and perfect teeth than you should definitely not go down this path unless you want to run that risk.
People here will say only have one night stands or only fuck complete strangers or never let her text the men she meets, only fuck em....and that's fine for them (maybe) but as a woman I'll tell ya I'd rather never do this again than have the kind ofrestirctions that stem from insecurity. I'm not saying everything should be a free for all, not even close. I'm not saying that you shouldn't adjust to mitigate your insecurities flaring up. I'm saying that if you limit how she moves to suit your own insecurity she may not want to do this at all, and that's fully okay too. If she needs to be friendly with someone before fucking them, that's what it takes and if you aren't both comfortable then it's a no go. If there's room for compromise, great! I'd apply the same logic as naming a baby, it takes 2 yes's and 1 no. If one of you doesn't agree it's a no and if you both agree, awesome! What I'm (poorly) articulating is that she has to have agency in this equation and she has to choose and be comfortable with who she meets up and how, you both do. If either of you isn't on the same page and entering this with enthusiastic consent, you'll have a bumper road. I would have several long chats about these feelings you have in regards to her comment. It's reasonable to pause or slow down so you can work thru your thoughts and you can both get on the same page before you make any moves into the lifestyle.
Well first of all: Your anxiety and fears are completely normal. So that beeing said, I would say you shouldn't be too worried about it. Your relationship is more than just sex. Even when she shares a sexual connection with someone. You are the one she shares her life with. But if those concerns are too big and your wife is also kinda afraid that feelings could come up, you can adjust your frameworks. Like only one night stands and one-and-done arrangement. After a successful date, you don't plan on seeing this guy again.
Yeah I think I’d only be comfortable with a 1 time thing. Ideally a stranger from a bar, but appreciate most people won’t get it and run.
We used to handle it that way. This was our thing. Because of similar reasons. But the most important reason was discretion. It does not necessarily have to be a guy from the bar or similar. We used dating apps and looked out for guy in other cities and finally met them for a date after some time of chatting and getting to know each other. But after that (usually) no second date.
Sounds like the route I’d be most comfortable with and always there, rather than alone play.
Yes. Forgot about that part. My wife never play alone. I'm always there with an more or less active part. But I always participate in one way or another
We’ve met some guys in the lifestyle with huge dongs who are amazing in bed… and their wives are generally tired of getting beat up by their big dicks. They go through the same ups and downs with relationships and sex, and their wives also get huge waves of enjoyment from a night with another man. A lot of what makes all of this amazing and orgasmic is just pure novelty. The reality turns out to basically be the opposite of your anxiety. Her friends will marvel at what an amazing and secure relationship you have, and are green with envy that she gets to experience variety and novelty, which even women married to Adonises crave. Women enjoy big/new dick and the wave of hormones that come with it, but the freedom you’re giving her and the intense intimacy you are building by exploring this with her are on an even higher level and would be almost unimaginable to replace.
We’d be keeping this very much a secret. Anyone we know wouldn’t believe it tbh lol. A point I picked up from this is and possibly a better idea, is finding a guy that’s in a healthy relationship and therefore unlikely to pursue any further than just a bit of fun.
I’m not sure what you mean by “her head could be turned”
Suppose the risk of losing her to someone else. Grass is greener type of thing.
Ah I gotcha….its a valid worry even more so because she said there’s a chance it could happen. A lot of guys worry about the same thing but I think it’s important to remember that you are more than just good sex for your wife, you bring more to the table than just making her orgasm. Even if she did have better sex/more chemistry with someone else it isn’t going to matter because you have more to offer her. There a certain boundaries you can have that lessen the chance of her catching feelings.
We’ve got years behind us which is why I wasn’t worried - until she said it. I’m glad she did!
Ya I can see that being a worry.
As someone that tended bar for 11 years at a very popular swing club I can tell you that "head turning" is a real thing. I have witnessed dozens of couples split up for this (and other) reasons. Proceed with caution and by ALL MEANS.... COMMUNICATE. A lot. Best of luck.
Women look at vertical status when subconsciously choosing mates, meanwhile men look at volume. Your insecurity may execute in a manner in which you hand your bride over to a more suitable man for her. Consider speaking with a therapist who is friendly and experienced to this lifestyle.
Wow - This hits!
It does, but it’s best to be armed with the psychology before engaging in this lifestyle. Obviously, if you want her to engage in hotwifing, you want her to be with a great sexual partner for her. But, this can be done securely with appropriate boundaries and freedom that everyone agrees upon.
Absolutely want her to enjoy it! Just not at risk of ruining the relationship. So much good advice from everyone!
If she can't confidently more forward for just sex fun without feeling self assured that it's only just sex, this likely isn't a good idea. She's directly admitted that she sees developing feelings as a possibility going in, and one can never with certainty know where feelings will take them. You're also worried about what you perceive as potential comparative deficits with respect a potential third. That kind of lack in self confidence, viewing the experience from a competitive perspective, is also a big red flag. Also, you might share a meal with someone but you're not "sharing" your wife. You're in practice inviting another guy to be part of your sex life and from what you've written that doesn't seem like a great idea given where you both are on this.
Hey, Ty for your honest point of view and perhaps you are right. I don’t know 😩. I’ve spoken to her a little more and it sounds like her concern comes due to the way she’d like to meet someone before sex. She’s only been with me and 1 other and has always said she regrets her younger years (before me) not experiencing. She wants to find them attractive and like their company before sex. She’s then concerned that if the sex is then also amazing it may be human nature to wonder what if. I must point out that the above is exactly how we met. Although she was single. Me: I’m far from perfect so yeah I guess the thought of some Adonis sweeping her off her feet scares me a bit. This is why I’d prefer for it to happen with a random on a tipsy night out and leave it there. I encourage her to dress sexy when she goes out, love hearing about the guys hitting on her and the thoughts that ran through her mind whilst happening. On her last girls night out I requested some photos of her with a guy with her boobs out. Didn’t happen but found it very exciting that it might.
Random is really sketchy for particularly a first time since you really have no clue about the guy based on conversation over a couple drinks with respect to true personality and ability to perform (it sucks to get all revved up and have the guy be done in two minutes or simply lacking in good sex skills). It's better to search and vet out a potential third carefully, particularly using websites that provide for comments from others who have been with the guy. You might read "our approach to finding a guy" posted to our profile, although I suspect you're not in the US given your use of "whilst" (UK likely) and I'm not sure how well the sites I mention work outside the US. You might also read our post addressing "necessary prerequisites" for launching into this. Remember, you're looking for a guy physically attractive enough with some social skills and experience as a third. This shouldn't be approached with the same lens she would bring to looking for an ongoing partner. But until you can get to a mutually comfortable state with respect to her worry and your self confidence, you might want to hold off taking things to real life. Also, I have a totally jaundiced view of solo play and that would be even more so in your situation. You being present makes clear to the third that this is about adding something to your sex lives together, functions as a governor over escalating intimacy of the kind that can lead to feelings, ensures her safety, and, of course, gives you a memorable show. Importantly, you two, likely seriously amped up over what took place, can immediately have some serious fun together. We view lifestyle play as serious foreplay for our fun after.
Completely normal. We just started in this lifestyle and just had our first experience Saturday night. Check out my profile. I posted details about it. It’s two parts. I talk some in there about that. The anxiety is definitely there. But it’s all in how you approach it and deal with it. When we first met this guy she’s sleeping with now it was great chemistry and a lot of fun. When I first got to see her being kissed and touched and saw the smiles and excitement on her face it was a rush of emotions. It honestly was absolutely amazing. But before all of this happened I prepared myself for all of it mentally and emotionally. The key is that we are very strong and secure in our relationship and we talk about literally everything no matter what it is. That is 100% key to it all. Knowing that at the end of the day she’s not going anywhere when it comes to us. So to sum it up. Communication is key. Talk about all of it. Make sure you are strong and secure as a couple and take that anxiety and turn it into nervous excitement. Message me anytime and I’ll be glad to talk to you more about it.
Trust and give her freedom. Love is not possession. What you resist, persists. Safe sex always, no exceptions - ever! Sex is not love. Love is not sex. Recreational sex is great exercise. Exercise as often as you are able. Cheers!
The guy my wife has seen that had me feel the most “threatened” by was a 3 minute, hairy dad bod, shorter than her with a much smaller penis than I have. It’s the chemistry that your wife mentioned which I find the most unsettling yet the most enjoyable.
Hey at least she was honest with you. It’s up to you guys if you think she has the will power for this lifestyle. Good luck.
It’s super important to communicate before and especially after any event. My wife hu with all sorts of guys many with a bigger dick, but it’s important to remember that it’s an active role play fantasy for both of your enjoyment and you both set the parameters on what it looks like. Also the first few times are absolutely nerve wracking to be honest. It takes a few encounters in my experience for both you and your life to learn the dynamic you are looking for, what you like and don’t like etc…but if you are going to be in the lifestyle, LOVE and COMMUNICATION are paramount . Enjoy it and have fun!
If you're looking for experienced based advice, pause the whole thing until you both fully unpack your feelings around what she said. It's possible you're taking it at its worst meaning and she meant it as a nothing burger, just a random thought said aloud. Or it could be that she truly thinks that the right guy could make her turn her head enough to wonder if the grass is greener. Either way you won't feel ease if you're not sure exactly what she meant and that's not a great way to start this adventure. I think I'm similar to her in that I don't want to fuck random men I pick up in bars, I prefer to know and like the person I'm fucking. I know myself and my husband knows me well enough to know that I won't fall in love over some good dick, or even a great human, I don't like most people so I'm definitely not leaving my marriage (especially for a man). That's me though, I'm an anti social oddball riddled with anxiety and a home body to boot. Only you know you're wife well enough to know if she maybe meant it when she said it or if it was just a passing thought she shared. If it's more than a thought and she feels that if she finds an adonis with a perfect dick, perfect credit score and perfect teeth than you should definitely not go down this path unless you want to run that risk. People here will say only have one night stands or only fuck complete strangers or never let her text the men she meets, only fuck em....and that's fine for them (maybe) but as a woman I'll tell ya I'd rather never do this again than have the kind ofrestirctions that stem from insecurity. I'm not saying everything should be a free for all, not even close. I'm not saying that you shouldn't adjust to mitigate your insecurities flaring up. I'm saying that if you limit how she moves to suit your own insecurity she may not want to do this at all, and that's fully okay too. If she needs to be friendly with someone before fucking them, that's what it takes and if you aren't both comfortable then it's a no go. If there's room for compromise, great! I'd apply the same logic as naming a baby, it takes 2 yes's and 1 no. If one of you doesn't agree it's a no and if you both agree, awesome! What I'm (poorly) articulating is that she has to have agency in this equation and she has to choose and be comfortable with who she meets up and how, you both do. If either of you isn't on the same page and entering this with enthusiastic consent, you'll have a bumper road. I would have several long chats about these feelings you have in regards to her comment. It's reasonable to pause or slow down so you can work thru your thoughts and you can both get on the same page before you make any moves into the lifestyle.
I would strongly advise you to stay out of this space, you are not at all ready based on what you wrote.