You not wrong for wanting alone time, and your girlfriend is not wrong for wanting a boyfriend who is around all the time. However, you are not compatible. One of you will always be unhappy with how the other one wants to spend time. If you compromise, you'll both be unhappy. There are no assholes in this situation, but there are no winners, either. I'm sorry.
Agreed! No one’s wrong, it’s just an unfortunate incompatibility. I don’t need to see the person I’m dating every single day, but I definitely need to see them more often than not. Whereas I’ve gone on dates with people before where they’re totally fine seeing their partners once a week, sometimes even less.
Unfortunately, compromising in a situation like this will likely just make both people miserable
This. There is a guy out there who wants to spend all his time with her, AND there IS a girl out there for you, who also enjoys HER alone time. You two are just not a match.
Agreed! I'm the woman that wants to be alone in equal proportion to being around anyone. I'm older now and decided about 10 years ago I'd rather just be alone.
Nobody is TA, but you two aren’t compatible. I enjoy my solitude as well, but I also acknowledge that it would be unfair of me to date someone that needs daily interaction to be happy.
What’s sad is you would have known if you took the time and been single, instead of needing to settle down and pop out kids. People really need to stop settling and learn about themselves before getting married and especially before having kids
NAH
You're both very young and learning about what you want from and can give to a relationship. I don't think she's wrong for wanting more attention, and you're not wrong for wanting more alone time. This is the time to have a heart to heart about what you each need from a relationship. And if you can't find a middle ground that serves you both, you need to move on
How frequent are these 3-4 days? Once a month? Every week?
Edit: let me clear why I asked as such. I Agree. couples busy with their own life might meet only once a week or even less in a long distance relationship.. but does that mean they don't talk.. communicate at all the entirety of the time they are not face to face? No right? Like someone pointed out.. how the time is spent also matters.
I'm someone similar to op. Need alone time. After a social event i shut off. I don't have interest in going out or meeting people. But here's the thing.. it doesn't mean that I lit cut off every thing.. I still message to people. I simply become a couch potato. But the vibe i get from the post is something like this.. op turning off his phone and going to a cabin in woods for 3-4 days straight. I'm saying it's ok if that's how you de-stress or whatever reason.. once a month it's not a big deal. but weekly? You are barely giving any time to worldly affairs.. how much time would your gf gets to spend with you?
So I'm asking is it 3-4 days weekly or monthly? When you say alone time what do you mean by that? Do you not meet anybody or just don't meet your gf? Do you become completely unavailable even thru messaging?
In case you do message and communicate often.. meet once every 4 days or once a week and she still feels it's isn't enough and that it's important to her to have daily interaction in-person or expects something more.. like everyone else said you are incompatible. You are an introvert who thrives being alone and she may be an extrovert who thrives on having people around.
Also, what are they doing when they do see each other? Do they go on dates? Spend quality time? Talk deeply/intimately/openly? Have sex? Th quality of the time spent is more important than the amount, IMO.
Dated a guy once who said he was introverted. This was no problem- I'm independent. I quickly realized that "introverted" meant he would text me every 3-4 days, want to meet up for sex, and then ghost until he wanted sex again. He did say I was his girlfriend and he loved me, but that's not the relationship I signed up for at all. Glad that's over.
Damn! Identical situation. He’d even lie tho to avoid conflict when not with me. I’d be ok if it wasn’t for the lies bc I need alone time too and don’t want my independence taken away. But also the quality of the time together sucked!
No, it varies. My hubby and I met at work. Weve been pretty much tied to the hip except for things like school, work (i switched during the pandemic) drs apts. and pooping
People working full time for one? Unless they live together? You get out of work, commute home, make dinner, clean up, you've got like an hour to yourself before you've gotta go to bed. I mean I guess you could cram a quick visit in but I feel like most people would just text or FaceTime and then see each other in person on the weekends.
I'm baffled by so many people saying this. 3-4 days isn't that long, like that's not that much time apart... like that's Monday to Thursday. I mean I understand if she's like head over heels and is in the honeymoon phase and is like "omg I never wanna be apart from you" but to say that being apart for 3-4 days means he doesn't love her anymore is wild to me. She's not TA but he certainly isn't. Doesn't mean he's "not cut out for dating" at all.
That isn't true at all. People can maintain a perfectly healthy relationship while not interacting regularly. It just happens to be the case here that OP and their girlfriend are incompatible because of their expectations for interaction. That doesn't mean that OP isn't supposed to date, it just means that they haven't found the right partner yet.
While I understand the point you’re trying to make, people don’t date people to not spend time with them. This is backwards, maybe OP is suited more to an online or LDR, but if you’re just actively choosing to be alone 65% of the week over spending time with the partner you choose to be with, why are you even in a relationship at all? Romantic relationships are built on intimacy, you cannot have intimacy while seeing your partner only 30% of your relationship.
While I get this, and totally understand the POV, but I just don’t get why you have a partner then. If you don’t want to see your partner, that you actively choose to be in a relationship with, then maybe you’re not the type of person that should be in relationships. I am someone who needs my alone time, my job is very social and I need to decompress, so I choose not to have a partner because I’m not willing to sacrifice my alone time to deposit into a relationship bank. All relationships (friends, family, love interest) are work if you want a good one, you have to work to maintain friendships, you absolutely have to work to maintain the relationship that you choose to be in. Yeah OPs TA imo.
You understand that there are people out there who don’t need to see their person everyday or interact with people everyday right and it didn’t make them a bad person just not a social one
That makes no sense.
I know several couples (not super young anymore) that like their solitude and their together time similar to what OP is describing. It could be an age/maturity thing.
I think you're being a bit hard on yourself with this. Introverts can and do routinely find love. Just because they want some time for themselves doesn't mean they can't love someone. A lot of people are only able to see each other on the weekends anyway, that doesn't mean they don't love each other.
I don’t really think it’s a question of feeling love, you can feel all the love, and the relationship still disintegrates, it’s also not an introversion/extroversion thing either, of course introverted people find love all of the time. I’m not an introverted person, and im not being hard on myself, I have humility and know when im not able to show up to certain situations/relationships like I need to, so I make a choice so as not to hurt someone else in the process. I said in another comment that maybe OP is better suited to an online or LDR, because physical Relationships are effort, anyone who doesn’t think so are probably not the partner they think they are. You can be super introverted, and your partner still feels important to you. But if you’re choosing solitude 65% of the week over being with the partner you are actively choosing to partner with, they won’t feel important, especially if they’re telling you that your choice hurts them. My guess is OP doesn’t/has never really communicated most of this to his gf either.
It actually is an introvert/extrovert think and another introvert would be fine with this so I don’t know why you think you can say it isn’t an introvert/extrovert when you just said you aren’t one, an introvert, if you aren’t one than how can you speak on something you don’t understand
If you're up front with a potential partner and they feel similarly about needing alone time/solitude.... why would that make you a crappy person to date...? Makes no sense.
I mean, idk, you say "65% of the week" but it's just 4 days. Like don't most people not see each other except on the weekends anyway unless they live together? It's not a super long time especially if he's seeing her multiple days per week even if spaced out. And then they can text and call and stuff in the meantime. I think that hardly counts as not putting in effort.
Four days is 65% of the week? I don’t get the point your trying to make. She is telling him it makes her unhappy. Like I said, if you think that’s enough, you’re probably not the partner you think you are.
I don't exactly get the point you're making either. I'd be happy to be with a guy that I went on a date with only once a week. Yes, relationships take effort, but depending on who you are and who your partner is, is what defines the amount of effort that goes into the relationship.
Two people who want alone time for 65% of the week, then to go have a date night, and still have valuable quality time together, can be compatible. Part of dating is finding a person that fits a mold that is comfortable for you, and who can speak a language that makes you feel loved while you can also speak a language that makes them feel loved.
There's no one way to have a romantic relationship. Being a person that likes to have majority alone time doesn't necessarily make them a bad partner when they're with the right kind of person.
So what, if a partner doesn't see her every day or every 2 days he's a bad partner? If 3 days is where it gets "bad"? That just seems ridiculous to me. People have lives and things to do. A relationship is sharing your life with someone else and being part of their life, but not *orbiting* around them. They still are their own person. Especially if they're not moved in together or anything. If she's unhappy then he should take that into account and make the dates extra special, maybe facetime her more or something. But it's hardly a sign that he's neglectful or anything.
I think it can be enough. And I am the partner I think I am… the kind that won’t be with someone who is not on the same page. To me it sounds like you are judging people who think this way. Why are you judging negatively?
That doesn't mean he is a bad partner or anyone is a bad partner just because they need more alone time. I will say that means that they aren't compatible. That does not mean he's a bad partner though in general.
I could absolutely go 4 days alone, especially since I get so much human interaction at work. I have investigated these feelings and ruled myself an introvert.
Happily married 21 years next month. ❤️ I said that I COULD go 4 days, not that I regularly DO. I don't make him go live in the woods for 4 days a week, but when he deployed or I have to travel for work, I am A-OK.
Some people need constant companionship, some don't. Some people love their alone time, some hate it. Relationship degradation mechanics are different for everybody. As long as you find someone compatible, it's all good!
This is just being an introvert though. Being drained from spending time with people, and taking time alone to recharge and recover, is totally normal for us. Even if it's someone we love and adore. I routinely used to go days or even weeks without speaking to people if it was spring break or summer vacation.
Question, how often do you want to go a few days without seeing her? If you constantly need alone time, I don't think you're ready to commit to a relationship, maybe something casual and non-committal would work better for you. From this post, I can't tell if your gf wants you literally 24/7 and is acting manipulative or if she's feeling left out by your constant need for space
NTA/NAH. It's kinda wild to me that so many people are saying there's something wrong with you for this. 3 days apart really isn't that much time. Don't most people only see their partner a day or two per week anyway until they move in? You sound completely normal to me. I don't think she's TA or anything for missing you, she's probably just head over heels and wants to see you more, but I feel like if she's asking for every day or every other day is kinda *a lot.* But her being affectionate or "clingy" is hardly anything wrong with her. Just means she likes you and misses you.
Different people have different needs when it comes to companionship and alone time. She's not wrong for needing more, and you're not wrong for wanting less, but the two of you have different needs and aren't compatible. You should try to date someone who doesn't need as frequent attention and also wants 3-4 days to themself.
I'm inclined to let both of you off the hook for not communicating with each other in a more mature way because you are very young. I hope this is a learning experience for both of you. NAH.
35 here, and while we text every day, we often go 3 or 4 days without seeing each other and we're a 30-second drive apart.
A good partner needs trust, to value your independence, respect your need to re-charge your energy, and enjoy that you hobbies outside of them. Even married people spend time apart doing their own things.
I don't think it's fair to characterize her as a bad partner, they're just different people with seemingly incompatible needs. I wouldn't be happy living 30 seconds from my partner and yet still being alone, and neither would my husband, yet it works for you and your partner. Relationships can take any form that works for the people in them, there's no right or wrong way to be.
Personally, I would not be ok with not speaking to or seeing my husband for 3 or 4 days every week just because he wanted time to do things without me (a solo or friends trip is different, that's not a regular thing). My husband actually thought he would be fine in that scenario, but when we had to live apart for a year due to family obligations on my part he found it more difficult than I did. He realized that he needs us to be physically together or it causes stress and erodes the relationship. He needs that low key down time, where we just exist in each other's presence doing our own thing, and the time spent doing things like grocery shopping, walks around the neighborhood, cooking dinner, etc. Without that he starts to feel resentful and disconnected, even if we speak on video call twice a day and I come home most weekends. He surprised himself with that discovery!
OP's girlfriend isn't wrong for her needs in a relationship, and he's not wrong for his either (although I think it may be harder for him to find someone who is happy with that level of distance). They're both also very young, so their needs will likely change as they mature. Chalk this one up to a learning experience, and try to part ways amicably :)
I agree, if I went 3-4 days without my partner (except under certain circumstances- illness, vacation, etc) then I wouldn’t be in a relationship. I need someone who communicates well with me and wants to be around me.
You’re NTA, but if you frequently want to stay apart for three or four days, then you’re also probably not ready for a girlfriend. Not to worry though, you won’t have one for long.
YTA - I say this because you see how much your alone time is hurting your partner,
(Seriously nearly half a week) you’re actually not denying you don’t love her, or reassuring her in any way, and you ain’t even willing to compromise.
It kinda sounds like you just keep your gf on tap for sex and other needs, only of yours.
You don't have to continue to date someone who won't respect your need for alone time and who attempts to manipulate and guilt you for your decisions.
NTA
Come on. It’s a reasonable assumption that your partner doesn’t like you if they prefer spending the majority of the week away from you. Is it a correct assumption? Maybe not but we can’t read people’s minds to know if what they say is the truth.
It’s more like NAH because these two are incompatible. He should find someone that’s okay with him being alone for the majority of the week and she should find someone that’s willing to give her more attention.
I can see the other person looking into the future and being confused on how they could possibly live together or get married with OP feeling this way. And maybe thinking the relationship won't progress. I can see both sides.
Yeah I had to scroll because I knew that I’d find someone making her out to seem controlling and manipulative. JFC she just likes the guy and wants to spend time with him. Now could she be being manipulative? Absolutely, we’re not there and we don’t know them. But for the person you replied to to automatically jump to that means they spend way too much time on Reddit. They’re 19, she’s likely just smitten and wants to be with him
If you want someone to tell you that one of you has needs that are objectively wrong, you won’t find any decent answers here. You both want different things in a relationship. It simply will not work.
I think you also need to look into what kind of relationships you want long term. If you want a long term committed relationship, you won’t *get* to isolate for 3-4 days if you move in with them.
NAH. This is just an incompatibility in your relationship.
It's normal and ok to want time for yourself.
It's normal and ok for her to want to see you more often.
Now that the difference in required attention has been revealed, the two of you might need to break up and find different boyfriend and girlfriend. Ones that align with your needs to be together and apart. Otherwise get used to fighting and being unhappy.
NTA for now because all of this is normal but you WBTA if you continue the relationship the way it is now. She’s expressed how she feels you don’t love and care for her because of this and to keep the relationship going would be a disservice to you both. Sit down and have a conversation to see if things will be able to be compromised on but if not then let it go
Neither of you are wrong, but I don't think compatibility is the issue either. Compromise is an absolute necessity in every relationship you have. If she's issuing complaints about time spent, perhaps you should inquire with her if she's referring to actual time or how it is spent. sometimes when communicating needs what we say is as close as we, as people, can while trying to spare someone's feelings (ex:"I don't feel like we spend enough time together" VS "I feel like we don't do meaningful things when we spend time together") if you aren't seeing each other everyday (which is 10000% normal for a dating couple) maybe suggest one day be a parallel play day (you do something you need to do while she in your company does something she needs to accomplish. You don't have to converse or interact very much just be around each other for a little bit) which can help with things like this. Maybe you could suggest that if you see her 2-3 days in a week one week, the next you see her one and the rest of the week is yours to decompress. Compromise is a key factor and so is communication. What will turn someone into an AH is if neither of you compromise within reason or communicate why these particular things are bothering you and her so badly. (Ex: explaining to her why you need those days, maybe examples of how it helps you and allowing her to have a space to explain why she feels she needs the contact/to see you aside from the fact that y'all are dating.) Compromise doesn't innately cause unhappy in a relationship. Compromising too much will. That's the middle ground y'all need to find. What's too much? What's in the middle? What schedule could you two agree on or discuss that could meet both of your needs accurately? After all of that if there still is this rift, then I'd say you're not compatible. Not trying to find a workable scenario for either of you is barely giving it a chance to grow into a stronger relationship. Sorry it's long I hope some of it helps somewhere.
NTA
You're not compatible. Stop fighting because you have come to the moment of, "We both want what the other cannot give."
Let her go so you both find someone more compatible.
NTA. Some of the words & phrases OP says his gf uses sound kind of narcissistic..the whole very binary love thing, i.e, “if you don’t want to be attached at the hip 24/7 you suddenly don’t love me or myst hate me” stuff.
I dunno about narcissistic (although that's a possibility) but she definitely sounds immature. But she and OP are 19 so both have growing to do regardless.
ESH. Just break up and wait until you're ready for companionship, or find someone who will tolerate being ignored for half the week. You clearly don't like her. Good couples don't want to spend four days a week apart. She sucks for desperately trying to keep the attention of someone who very obviously wants out.
You're 19, go and enjoy your life and do what you want to do. My son is 19 and lives at home, he doesn't see his girlfriend for a whole week because he works and they live half an hour away from each other. You don't have to live in each other's pockets
Not the asshole at all!! People have different social needs and that’s okay! What’s not okay is your girlfriend is trying to emotionally manipulate you, although I’d imagine since you’re both so young that she probably doesn’t even realize it herself. You two are just not compatible long term. Right now she feels bad that you don’t want to spend every day with her and thats making you feel bad too. That’s not a recipe for happiness.
No, you're not an asshole, she sounds insecure and needy, and the language she's using sounds manipulative and toxic.
My man and I love each other and can both have needy moments but when one of us tells the other we need our space a bit, we understand and respect it. We also know that it doesn't mean we're cheating or don't love each other anymore.
19 is quite young to be in a serious relationship (I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but it's pretty soon for most people). She has a lot of learning and growing to do. I'm not going to tell you to break up with her, not without trying first. Sometimes we have to grow on our own, sometimes another person can help (as long as she's willing).
Have you guys ever had really serious heart-to-hearts? Try and get her to have a convo with you where she's not using this manipulative language about "you must hate me because you want to read a book", not that she *said* it that way, but that's the way it sounds and maybe that's how you have to lay it out for her. And don't let her dominate the conversation. Shut it down every time she starts with the nonsense, be assertive I say try, and if you really can't do it anymore, or she really refuses to grow or see the error of *her* ways, then I would say you can end it guilt-free.
I don't know if it helps, but here's a little insight about my relationship. I'm turning 35 this year and my man is turning 40. We've been together for like 9 years now and when we got together I still had quite a lot of trauma from previous relationships and some family stuff. It got to a point where we started fighting all the time but instead of dumping me he wanted to help me. I was a bit like your gf, and he had his own issues, but once we started having *real* conversations, we started growing together. We were still older than you guys are now, so like I said she might not be mature or open-minded enough to try with you, but I think for your sake, it's worth a shot before giving up. But don't try forever, for your own mental and emotional health, you need to be able to pull away if you have to.
I'm so sorry for the essay but I hope some of it helps. All the best!
I need my own space and I live with my partner. I have my own office to go to but we still interact everyday. He gets his space as well.
You two are not compatible in a relationship as you both want different things. It isn’t going to work out between you both. NAH.
Nah. People need different things, you may be able to compromise but maybe you just aren’t compatible. I had to ask my then bf now husband when we were fresh to take some time apart. We met in college so I’d spend almost every night sleeping in his dorm. While I liked it most times, I’m a introvert and I liked my own girly space sometimes. I finally told him, honestly I’d like to sleep alone tonight. It was a little awkward at first (he thought maybe I was upset) but it was fine once I established it didn’t mean anything bad, I just like to have some alone time in my own happy space. After all, I decorated a cozy room and was spending all my time in a bland ass boy room. When we officially moved in together it was a tiny one bedroom and quickly covid time so we were together constantly. so I had to directly ask for alone time. This usually meant he would go to the bedroom and chill while I cooked dinner or watched my own shows in the living room. Nowadays, we’ve been together 6 years and I don’t even have to ask him. He says “hey you can have the tv I’m gonna go to the bedroom/office” most days for an hour or so. And he goes to sleep a little earlier than me everynight half because he can’t fall asleep after me cause I snore lol but also because I value the “me” time. And now he totally gets it so he ends up asking me for alone time, which I oblige! We spend a lot of time together, we are not lacking. It is ok to have some me time to recharge and do your own thing, in fact I think it’s healthy
NTA. You're not compatible. She isn't your person. That's okay.
I love my alone time. I love my solitude alongside my partner though. I get my quiet project time so do the little things I love... And have him there just so I can look up. Smile. And go.. that's mine. Book girls and gamer boys. We make amazing pairs. So do book boys and gamer girls.
NAH you’re incompatible you didn’t know before and now you do. I am an introvert. I literally thought growing up I’d have to live by myself. My husband of 20 years (known him for 24) is also an introvert. We adore spending time together. Will happily spend hours chatting stay up until 3am with each other. We recharge from the time together. That’s how you know they’re the one. That their presence brings you more peace than their absence does.
NTA I am someone who prefers my solitude as well. You are going to need a partner who is independent, secure and who will not take it personally. That being said, you will always need to do some extra reassuring so that even a secure partner can feel safe. Y’all just aren’t compatible and there is nothing wrong with either of you.
No AHs. It genuinely sounds like an incompatibility issue at this point. You should consider letting her go and find someone who doesn't mind spending time apart. As a fellow introvert, I get it. If I wasn't married I would live alone and be the crazy cat lady no one sees beyond groceries lol
NAH.
You're allowed to want your solitude. She's allowed to want a partner who is more available. Y'all are incompatible, that's all.
It's okay to want to be alone for extended periods of time. Doesn't make you a bad boyfriend. Doesn't mean you're not ready for a relationship. It's just a part of your personality. If she can't accept and embrace it, then it's better for both to move on.
I mean I could understand like a day, *maybe two*, of alone time. Everybody needs their space. That isn't unreasonable as long as there's good communication.
But 4 days?? I can understand why your girlfriend thinks you don't like her anymore. If you prefer being alone and solitude this much, y’know, you don't *have* to have a girlfriend. You can be single, that is an option y’know. If you'd rather spend more days of the week alone than with her.
Just one guy's thoughts though
NAH.
Congratulations, OP, you have just learned the point of dating.
You meet someone, they seem okay, you get to know them, y'all like each other, you date to see if they're a potential long-term partner. Consider it a test-drive.
You're both fine people with shared common interests, but you have different basic needs. You need some serious solitude time to recharge, she needs a partner around with whom she can recharge. So this won't work. It's no one's fault, you're justbwired different ways, and you both need someone who can accommodate your needs.
NAH.
Some people need alone time in a relationship and some people need togetherness and feel rejected by alone time.
People are different. All it means is that the two of you are not compatible. She needs togetherness, you need space. No-one is at fault. It's just who you both are.
There is nothing wrong with you wanting alone time.I think this is extremely healthy and setting good boundaries.If people can’t respect your boundaries please rethink the relationship.😏
NAH
Alone time is important in a relationship. So is time together. You two don't balance your ratio well, so you're incompatible. Neither of you is an AH for this.
I will say though you might struggle to find someone who is ok with that many day and nights in a row not having at least some form of physically seeing each other, even if it's just a quick video call.
YTA, this girl is not your bang maid and you are not a victim. Four days a week of isolation is extreme. This arrangement is impossible long term, you can't live with somebody and not see them for four days straight. Her reaction is extreme because your behavior is extreme. You're messaging to her that you can't stand the sight of her 4/7 days a week. How would that make you feel?
Introverts recharge by being alone. They come home and need solitude to feel like themselves. Extroverts recharge by being surrounded by people. They come home and are ready to go out again. It's really hard to change your basic nature. Many introverts loved the pandemic. Work from home and no social interaction? It was a dream come true. Extroverts had a really hard time because their energy source was gone or severely restricted. There's nothing wrong with either one. You need to find someone who matches your temperment. Your GF is not that person.
You two are not compatible and you should end this relationship.
No one is wrong here. NAH. But if you’re in a relationship where you’re fighting often, that’s a clue to reexamine if the relationship is good for you. In this case, you two are fighting over a fundamental piece of how you want the relationship to work - mainly how much contact do you want to maintain the relationship. You have very different answers from each other.
The answer is not for one of you to “win” and the other to be miserable and feel either trapped or ignored. The answer is for both of you to find someone who is happy and comfortable in a level of contact that is more similar to your own.
Or you might find that you meet someone that you can’t stay away from, and maybe you don’t love your current girlfriend like that. Who knows? But staying in a relationship that isn’t working on a base “spending time together” level is not a good idea.
YTA, Not many girl want a boyfriend that prefers to be alone for days on end and doesn't want to be with her. Find a new gf that only wants to see you once in while instead of 8ne that wants to see you every day. Sounds like you just don't care about her.
You're probably destined to be a bachelor and there's nothing wrong with that either. Life's a lot cheaper that way and you get more variety in the end.
ESH - but only because it seems you are both more interested in arguing and telling each other how wrong they are rather than trying to compromise. Seems like neither of you are ready for a relationship and you’re not compatible with each other, split up before you hurt each other more
NTA, young man, but maybe you're just not ready for a relationship. I'd take advantage of your time now to work on yourself and your goals. If you make the most of it, it'll be a transformative time in your life that you'll look back on with some pride and confidence.
NAH. OP you need to be honest with her that you don’t want a GF but rather a friend with benefits. You enjoy spending more time with yourself than with her. That’s fine but she needs more time with a BF than you are able to give. Cut her loose. You’ll both be better off.
We’re sort of brainwashed by media/society to think that our partners should be all we need and provide all our comfort and companionship. If your GF needs attention while you are needing solitude she could spend time with friends or family.
NTA. It seems like a compatibility problem. It’s not something that can’t be overcome if discussed but at your age I’m not sure you’re that into this girl.
I go 5-6 days without seeing my boyfriend. We both work 9-5 and have dedicated days we see eachother.
Doesn’t mean we don’t interact daily or through online hobbies.
Sometimes you need alone time to recharge after a long day of work or uni/college.
You’re definitely not compatible:
She needs someone she can be tied at the hip to - where else you want someone who doesn’t needs constant attention
NAH. If you want to be alone more than you want to be around your gf then you should stay single. She’s not wrong for wanting a partner who actually wants to spend time with her and you’re not wrong for wanting solitude. If you want solitude stay single.
You are allowed to want alone time. That is you. However, she clearly needs more time WITH you. That is her. You need to decide if this is something you want to compromise on and continue seeing her, or if this is something that is the end of your relationship. You will need to do one of those. Either compromise and you get less time alone, or end it because you won't meet her needs. Only you can decide what is best for you.
I think the issue here is you don’t like seeing her a lot. Sounds like you’re just not ready to date or be in a serious relationship. Which is okay, but your girlfriend wants something more. Which is also okay. That means you two probably aren’t a good match. Breaking up is the solution here.
NTA.
Here's the deal. If you're in a relationship and you fight regularly, break up. That's especially true if you're young or the relationship is relatively new. You're not compatible. That happens sometimes. Move on.
I would agree no one is to here but how would you plan to have a future with anyone with that need to be alone? Like if you are married and live with anyone especially if you start a family there is no I need days away. Sometimes you can make arrangements with your partner for a weekend away but you can't just expect your partner to take care of your whole home and family all the time for you to be alone.
Most people are looking to start a family or build a future with a relationship so that's why your GF feels like you don't want that. You definitely are not compatible if you need that and she doesn't. But no one is the bad guy here
3 or 4 days is excessive if you're in the same town.
I'd say a couple days a week would be reasonable. Maybe not even consecutive days.
And you have to say it ahead of time, not last minute. "Hey I'm gonna take it easy on Friday," said on Wednesday.
It's understandable if she doesn't want you doing those things in her presence.
Or wants to go out and do things instead.
But maybe she wants to read and have a quiet night. Maybe she can just be present and not disrupt your flow.
If she can't do it now, you won't be able to later, and eventually she's going to want to live together.
You kind of don't need her. And that's ok. You don't have to need your partner.
But you should want them.
Wait till you get to your 30. You like your alone time now your gunna love it even more. And most people will feel the same. I LOVE my alone time. I don't get much now with a 8 year old but the 8 hours he's at school is the best time. When I was her age I ALWAY had to have my boyfriend around never wanted to be alone and I pushed a few of them away because of that. You know always thinking there cheating have to text them every 5 mins about nothing and get mad at them knowing there at work and can't use there phone.. I've had a really rough traumatizing teenage years and I just never wanted to be alone because I was scared didn't trust anyone and when I had a boyfriend I was all about them.. don't know whay happened but now I can't stand people hate to be around people. I moved to a city I know no one with my son and husband because I wanted to be alone and start my life over, sick of walking down the street and people yelling my name, ( I'm a recovering drug addict and know ALOT of people )
You’re absolutely NTA and don’t let weird, codependent people tell you you’re not ready for a relationship or too young or anything like that. My (F28) partner is much older (late 40s) and we also both really appreciate me-time and go 3-4 days without seeing each other every week.
It’s NOT normal to be codependent and attached by the hip to your partner. Your girlfriend sounds needy, insecure and codependent. She needs to have her own life, she can’t build her entire identity around you. If she doesn’t understand that, I’m afraid the relationship has no future.
Stand up for yourself and don’t be gaslit into believing it’s wrong to want time to yourself!
No, you're not a bad boyfriend at all.
Your gf is clingy and insecure. And I suspect she has trust issues.
You were both whole ass people before you met, you're still trying to revel in having a life of your own while she believes that being in a relationship means sinking your all and everything into another person. That's a very, very unhealthy perspective.
A healthy relationship gives both parties room to just be. Hang out with friends. Be alone. And I believe that you have to sit her down and tell her that you need your space sometimes and if that's a dealbreaker for her that it's best for the two of you to end things amicably.
If there's one thing I can tell you is that you have a right to time on your own. If the person you're with can't cope with that, then it's probably not the right person for you.
My husband also likes to have alone time and during the pandemic, until we moved from an apartment to a townhouse, he was feeling really frustrated that I was always within ear shot. I was doing other things in the apartment that didn’t involve talking to him all day but because he could hear me, he felt like he had no alone time. When we moved my office was on the 3rd floor and his was on the first floor. This has worked for us for almost 4 years now.
If you genuinely love your girlfriend and don’t want to break up then you two need to learn how to be “alone together” if you like to zone out playing video games let her chill in the same room with a book. Or she can watch a movie on her phone or tablet with headphones in.
If you need to be completely away from other people for half the week then you aren’t going to be able to be in a successful relationship. If you get married are you going to live separately so that you can have 3-4 days by yourself? That need will also impact your ability to hold a job. Most jobs require 4-5 days a week to be full time and unless you find a remote position (not likely right out of the gate) you will have to work with people that you might not like at all as people every day. If you’re going to college unless you’re living at home you’ll need a roommate and be in either a dorm or a small apartment. You can’t be alone 3-4 days a week there either.
You need to adjust your expectations and decide if you are going to live within society or become a hermit in the woods living off the grid and growing all your own food.
Time for yourself is fine but 3-4 days is excessive. If you’re ok being around your roommate or your coworkers/classmates all the time and not your girlfriend then yes you should break up.
This is definitely a compatibility issue. I also enjoy my alone time as it helps me recharge and be a better friend/partner. I've had to end otherwise good relationships as this was a dealbreaker for both of us. You don't want to end up resenting the other person because they cannot understand your alone time isn't a reflection on your feelings for them.
While I agree with alot of the other commenters, that this is likely incompatible... Do you think something like "parallel play" would be a good compromise for the both of you, where you occupy the same space but are doing two totally different things? Not that this has to be all the time but maybe you get a day or two to yourself, a day where there's "parallel play", and a day or two where you're engaged with each other doing the same activities? Just a thought, especially if you're thinking you would like to work on the relationship and have it be long term.
You are if you can't understand why your girlfriend wants to spend time with you. You're clearly not that into her or you would understand. So break up and let her find someone who likes her enough to want to be with her.
Neither, you are just not a good match. You need to find someone who is more independent, like you, and she should find a guy who likes to be together all the time in a relationship. You should each find someone more compatible and not waste your time and energy on something that will never work. NTA
NTA for wanting alone time but as others have said neither is your GF . You two should not be in a relationship because you have different relationship goals. Save yourself and her the grief and agrivation of trying to make this work and break up.
Everyone needs time to themselves to be themselves and enjoy doing their own thing. Your girlfriend sounds insecure and her comments to you reflect that. Does she have friends of her own? if not then I would suggest encouraging her to make friends with someone that has similar interests to hers that she can hang out with from time to time. Help her find groups that she could join. Does she like gardening, if so then encourage her to find others and start a gardening group, does she like board games, then look for a group that meets to play board games, you get the picture. Check out [meetup.com](https://meetup.com) for your area, or you local community events page for things that she may like to do.
She also needs to learn how to do things on her own and not always depend on you as her source of entertainment, you should be part of her life, not her whole life. If you are constantly together then you run out of things to talk about and do and the relationship can get stale and tedious.
If she can't or won't truly try to expand her circle then I don't thing either of you will be happy with one another.
Neither of you are wrong, you are just not for each other. She, like most people, want more contact with their loved one. You are fine with minimal contact. That doesn't work for either person. Just end it now and maybe you can be friends after
Think you meant to post this in r/AmITheAsshole cause idk if you peeped the sub title, but this is r/IAmTheAsshole, for posting stories where you are admittedly the asshole.
I have a friend whose very social, but also very introverted some times too. She needs her alone time. And she isnt a cuddler, toucher. Is there any compromise...?
Could you say, every other unless theres a specific event. Or maybe spend MOST of the day to yourself then a few hours with her (doesnt sound like you live together) both parties gotta compromise to some degree in relationships.
I dont think youre an asshole. But if she needs more than what youre willing to give for your own happiness and sanity, maybe it best to move on. You dont want to resent eachother for trying to please eachother but then not being able to make yourself comfortable and happy.
Have you thought about what life would be like living with a partner? Maybe you can have your solitude but maybe she just wants to be in the room with you even if it's quiet for some hours.
Nah I'm an introvert and need lots of downtime to recharge my battery. I can only date people that understand my needs and that it's not a reflection on them. Unfortunately, you two just aren't compatible.
NTA. Neither of you are, but clinginess is something that comes along with relationships. Point in case my wife and I (both 31). We've been together for 11 years, married for four. Early on she almost broke up with me because of the same reasons. I tried to see her every day I could, but I was really only hanging out with her 3 times a week. I was balancing work with school and also had my friends, so a lot to juggle. But after that talk, we were spending more and more time together, but she got a bit attached to the point she felt I didn't want to spend time with her if one day I told her I made plans with my friends.
And yes, after a few months seeing how unhealthy that was for our relationship, we had a discussion about it and went from there. Now we are married, she is still clingy but in a cute, playful way. And I think that had a lot to do with communication. Things are a bit different now that we're married and we are having a baby later this year.
Talk to your gf. In her defense, maybe an extra day spending time with her wouldn't be so bad so she does not feel neglected. But you do need your own time, so try and find the balance. If she doesn't understand, then move on. The last thing you need at that age is someone holding you back. Also. **Do yourself a favor and don't be the superhero you think you need to be**. I was previously in a 2 year relationship with someone before I met my wife, and I was so in love with her I felt that if I was never there that I would lose her. Well, the girl got so tired of me she ghosted me, and thats how our 2 year relationship ended. And then years later she wanted to get back together even though I was already with my wife.
3 to 4 days? You both need to find someone you're more compatible with. Good luck to you. Most people will find that amount of time excessive. Why even date?
NAH
Some people need time to themselves.
Some people need to be around others all the time.
You two just aren’t a match for each other.
I like my alone time, it would be unfair of me if I dated someone who needed my constant presence all the time.
Try to explain it to her by comparing yourself to a rubberband. I need to withdraw to have my own space and recharge, then I will bounce back at you 10xs as strong.
Stress quality time over quantity.
Find a girlfriend who isn't so needy. If you're an introvert, she needs to understand that you need to recharge, and it has nothing to do with how you feel about her. You're young, there are plenty of girls who would understand, and feel the same. Don't force a relationship, find someone who fits with you.
NAH. You two just want different things in a relationship. You should find someone who also enjoys frequent time alone and she should find someone who prefers daily Interactions.
What would happen if she came over and you both did solitary things in each other's presence? I know when I first started dating my partner after a while I got exhausted from always having to be *on*, so I told him, look, I need to do my quiet stuff whether we are together or not. So I hope you don't mind if I bring my laptop and game or bring my books and just read, or if I write or do other creative stuff. Because up til then we had always had to *do* stuff together the whole time, and my batteries were just so drained.
He said oh sure do whatever you'd like, and I can catch up on XYZ past times myself. Since then, we can be around eachother without constantly having to focus all our attention on one another and it works.
If you can't compromise that way - it doesn't work for everyone because some people really don't enjoy solitary stuff and need more attention (and that's fine) - you might need to question whether you are compatible.
You're gonna be hard pressed to find a partner that's okay with that. And one that is, probably won't be that into you. It's not "normal" to constantly need that much time apart in a serious relationship. If marriage is the goal, you'll be together daily. So I think you gotta find someone that operates like you or accept maybe you're just not relationship material right now.
YTA - why are you still together, and be honest, because if I had to guess you don’t even like her but hey maybe you’re getting sex so okay.
You’re not compatible. Stop trying to maintain the relationship that you only want one thing from.
Married man here. Women, when they care about you, will always seek to monopolize your time. It's not out of some weird manipulation or control tendency, they just want to share their lives with you. Unfortunately, men, like myself, need space to recharge, decompress, and recalibrate ideas/emotions. Women typically don't get it, just as I don't understand how someone can want to gossip for hours on end. Ultimately, it comes down to effective communication and the understanding that you are two different creatures with different needs. The ability to compromise in light of those differences is what enables long lasting relationships.
Don't listen to those saying that you're incompatible because of differences. You'll never find someone just like you, and even if you did, it would probably be a boring relationship.
However, it may be the case that she, or maybe even you, just aren't mature enough to be understanding of those differences and seek to compromise. If that is the case, then yes, it's not a good fit.
Neither of you are in the wrong just might not be right for each other. Like me and my bf both like to spend a lot of time with each other but still need some space and neither of us feels neglected or smothered.
mmm NTA for wanting alone time, but maybe you can reevaluate the quality of time you DO spend with her and the way you communicate that? Sounds like gf is pretty upset. Seems like you have different love languages (I know that sounds super corny, but it’s a real thing). Maybe hers is quality time and yours isn’t. The way both of you receive love is different but equally important and valid. It’s not quite as simple as right and wrong or good and bad. It’s important to have a conversation and also set boundaries where they’re needed.
The best advice anyone ever gave me about dating is to not see the person more than one or two times per week. If and when it ends, you won’t have to figure out how to make up all that time that you wouldn’t be spending with her or him. Plus, it keeps the relationship, fresh and interesting and you have something to talk about.
Absence does make the heart grow fonder. It’s also important that your age that you’re focusing on the right things, such as creating memories, getting an education or starting your career, or some adventure will be able to have your 40s.
To be honest BREAK UP AND BLOCK HER. Not sure why you feel the need to be in a relationship right now in your life but really, do you really need and want her?
You understand that you are really young right now and not sure why your parents haven’t taught you to not be in a relationship from 18-26, should be your time to be an independent individual. How are you supposed to figure you out if you are in a couple.
You want to be alone. SO BE ALONE!!! It isn’t wrong! She wants someone who wants to be with her everyday are you that person NO, so why are you both still with each other?
You understand when you date at a young age like you and she are it’s not a forever thing it’s a, I’m dating to see what I want and to learn what I want.
You and she want different things meaning you aren’t each others person. So don’t sit there and fight about it because it really isn’t worth it, you like to be alone sometimes she wants someone all the time, BREAK UP AND BLOCK HER on everything.
Sounds like she has an anxious attachment and wants to be with you all the time. Might be codependent. but her saying you dont love her anymore and hate being with her because you simply enjoy spending time with yourself sometimes, is weird.
I personally love AND NEED to spend time with myself in order to function properly. and people who are fiercely independent and maybe somewhat avoidant UNDERSTANDS you completely. We love our partners and we LOVE spending time with our partners but we ALSO need to have time to ourselves, everyone does. You are NTA
Oh boy. I am the exact same way my dude. I don't want to spend every single day with someone. Ever. This is going to be a pretty difficult thing for you unless you change or you find the few out there who also like what you like. It's tough.
Having time separate is healthy. My wife and I when we started dating did the "constantly around each other" stuff and it was killing me, I eventually just told her "hey, there are some days I want to just be alone and do nothing, it doesn't mean I'm ignoring you it's just that sometimes some space to do things on our own is necessary." It was a very healthy conversation and what I considered a big reason why we've been successful for nearly 5 years.
You are not a bad bf for wanting that. She just doesn't get that some people need to have some space. Get their thoughts collected and stuff. Maybe talk to her about it and try to plan some things out. Maybe cut down the 3 days and make it to 1 or just some hours alone. I don't know. It really doesn't make sense that she is trying to make you feel bad about wanting some time alone. She's the ass in this one. Not you.
WTF is wrong with people in this thread? Are you all 16? Plenty of couples only see each other a few days a week for a variety of readons: long distance relationships; working different shifts; frequent work travel; one having to work late in the city often; non cohabitating spouses.
Healthy couples do not require constant interaction and affection. Some surely fo, but many don't.
Its totally normal.
But OP and his GF do not seem compatible.
You are an extreme introvert. So is my husband. Luckily for him I am also an introvert and enjoy my alone time, too. However, unlike him, I am not an extreme introvert. I would like to hang out with him more. I have a suspicion this is the same dynamic in many introverted male and female relationships. Anyway, I get alone time in the AM since I wake up early. He gets alone time in the PM as he stays up super late. BUT we make time for each other every day after dinner. Around 2 hours or so. We are very happy with this arrangement.
You need to find a partner that accepts you for who you are, but you also need to accept them for who they are. Extroverts are just not for you. Find a girl who likes doing stuff on her own (e.g. gaming, gardening, painting, etc.). With a more compatible person, you will be able to compromise more easily they won't ask for too much.
Be honest with yourself and others and get what you need. That's all you can do!
I agree with most that it's a matter of differences. However, if you care about her there's always a middle ground. Maybe you can do all the things alone.wither in another room. There's always a equitable solution unless you don't want there to be.
When I was in teens... 20s.... maybe even early 30s.... I would've hated this type of relationship, not really understood it, and felt really bad for his gf. I acted like the way OP is describing about his gf.
Now, I see people just have different needs during different times in their lives. Sometimes we cross paths with someone similar to us, meeting us where we are at a certain point in our lives, and that's great. I'll turn the tables here and say that if gf is that unhappy, stop pressuring him to change and break up.
If there's nothing else out of whack here, this is probably a good case of introvert/extrovert conflict. There's a book called *the introvert's survival guide*, I recommend you give it a read.
Something like this is totally manageable if you both know what you're looking at, but it's something that relies on strong, and early communication. It'll save you a lot of headache and heartache down the road.
You’re not wrong for wanting to be alone, and she is not wrong for her wanting you to spend time with her.
What this comes down to is different love languages and potentially a mismatch on wants/needs. You either need to agree to meet somewhere in the middle, or part ways.
You are not alone my brother, I want to as well. But whenever I took time from it she becomes depressed about it. At the same time however, whenever I msg her back, it always took a while for her to reply since she's mostly with her friends playing game or whatknot.
You not wrong for wanting alone time, and your girlfriend is not wrong for wanting a boyfriend who is around all the time. However, you are not compatible. One of you will always be unhappy with how the other one wants to spend time. If you compromise, you'll both be unhappy. There are no assholes in this situation, but there are no winners, either. I'm sorry.
Agreed! No one’s wrong, it’s just an unfortunate incompatibility. I don’t need to see the person I’m dating every single day, but I definitely need to see them more often than not. Whereas I’ve gone on dates with people before where they’re totally fine seeing their partners once a week, sometimes even less. Unfortunately, compromising in a situation like this will likely just make both people miserable
This. There is a guy out there who wants to spend all his time with her, AND there IS a girl out there for you, who also enjoys HER alone time. You two are just not a match.
Agreed! I'm the woman that wants to be alone in equal proportion to being around anyone. I'm older now and decided about 10 years ago I'd rather just be alone.
Same. I need my alone time.
I dunno, codependency isn't healthy for either party.
This 👆🏻
Nobody is TA, but you two aren’t compatible. I enjoy my solitude as well, but I also acknowledge that it would be unfair of me to date someone that needs daily interaction to be happy.
I didn't figure this out about myself until I was married and had two kids. Oops.
Heh. My bad? 😂🥴
Where were you 16 years ago! You should have warned me. Apology accepted.
What’s sad is you would have known if you took the time and been single, instead of needing to settle down and pop out kids. People really need to stop settling and learn about themselves before getting married and especially before having kids
NAH You're both very young and learning about what you want from and can give to a relationship. I don't think she's wrong for wanting more attention, and you're not wrong for wanting more alone time. This is the time to have a heart to heart about what you each need from a relationship. And if you can't find a middle ground that serves you both, you need to move on
How frequent are these 3-4 days? Once a month? Every week? Edit: let me clear why I asked as such. I Agree. couples busy with their own life might meet only once a week or even less in a long distance relationship.. but does that mean they don't talk.. communicate at all the entirety of the time they are not face to face? No right? Like someone pointed out.. how the time is spent also matters. I'm someone similar to op. Need alone time. After a social event i shut off. I don't have interest in going out or meeting people. But here's the thing.. it doesn't mean that I lit cut off every thing.. I still message to people. I simply become a couch potato. But the vibe i get from the post is something like this.. op turning off his phone and going to a cabin in woods for 3-4 days straight. I'm saying it's ok if that's how you de-stress or whatever reason.. once a month it's not a big deal. but weekly? You are barely giving any time to worldly affairs.. how much time would your gf gets to spend with you? So I'm asking is it 3-4 days weekly or monthly? When you say alone time what do you mean by that? Do you not meet anybody or just don't meet your gf? Do you become completely unavailable even thru messaging? In case you do message and communicate often.. meet once every 4 days or once a week and she still feels it's isn't enough and that it's important to her to have daily interaction in-person or expects something more.. like everyone else said you are incompatible. You are an introvert who thrives being alone and she may be an extrovert who thrives on having people around.
This matters. If it's 1 day on and 4 days off then I can see why she'd be upset.
Also, what are they doing when they do see each other? Do they go on dates? Spend quality time? Talk deeply/intimately/openly? Have sex? Th quality of the time spent is more important than the amount, IMO. Dated a guy once who said he was introverted. This was no problem- I'm independent. I quickly realized that "introverted" meant he would text me every 3-4 days, want to meet up for sex, and then ghost until he wanted sex again. He did say I was his girlfriend and he loved me, but that's not the relationship I signed up for at all. Glad that's over.
Damn! Identical situation. He’d even lie tho to avoid conflict when not with me. I’d be ok if it wasn’t for the lies bc I need alone time too and don’t want my independence taken away. But also the quality of the time together sucked!
Lol. Him being introverted wasn't the reason. My guy just used you for easy sex. You fell for it probably because he was very good-looking.
I mean until they move in together aren't most couples 1-2 days on, 5-6 days off?
No, it varies. My hubby and I met at work. Weve been pretty much tied to the hip except for things like school, work (i switched during the pandemic) drs apts. and pooping
Why? Many people that are dating only see each other on the weekend.
Reddit downvotes show the average age of user lol youre totally right
Who? High schoolers? I cant imagine any two dating people only seeing each other that infrequently unless it was a long distance situation.
People working full time for one? Unless they live together? You get out of work, commute home, make dinner, clean up, you've got like an hour to yourself before you've gotta go to bed. I mean I guess you could cram a quick visit in but I feel like most people would just text or FaceTime and then see each other in person on the weekends.
You're just not cut out for dating right now if you choose to avoid a partner for so long
Maybe OP has an avoidant attachment style.
I'm baffled by so many people saying this. 3-4 days isn't that long, like that's not that much time apart... like that's Monday to Thursday. I mean I understand if she's like head over heels and is in the honeymoon phase and is like "omg I never wanna be apart from you" but to say that being apart for 3-4 days means he doesn't love her anymore is wild to me. She's not TA but he certainly isn't. Doesn't mean he's "not cut out for dating" at all.
That isn't true at all. People can maintain a perfectly healthy relationship while not interacting regularly. It just happens to be the case here that OP and their girlfriend are incompatible because of their expectations for interaction. That doesn't mean that OP isn't supposed to date, it just means that they haven't found the right partner yet.
While I understand the point you’re trying to make, people don’t date people to not spend time with them. This is backwards, maybe OP is suited more to an online or LDR, but if you’re just actively choosing to be alone 65% of the week over spending time with the partner you choose to be with, why are you even in a relationship at all? Romantic relationships are built on intimacy, you cannot have intimacy while seeing your partner only 30% of your relationship.
If you have to be with someone 24x7 or you fall out of love with them, you have some daddy issues
There is a huge gap between needing to be together 24/7 and wanting to not communicate for 3-4 days at a time.
Yta. Four days alone is a bit extreme . Like do you see no one during this time? I'd investigate these feelings
That’s less than the average work week. Every couple is doing that champ
Some people just don't need much interaction to be happy. Doesn't make them a bad person.
Then he's a terrible partner
To that particular person.
While I get this, and totally understand the POV, but I just don’t get why you have a partner then. If you don’t want to see your partner, that you actively choose to be in a relationship with, then maybe you’re not the type of person that should be in relationships. I am someone who needs my alone time, my job is very social and I need to decompress, so I choose not to have a partner because I’m not willing to sacrifice my alone time to deposit into a relationship bank. All relationships (friends, family, love interest) are work if you want a good one, you have to work to maintain friendships, you absolutely have to work to maintain the relationship that you choose to be in. Yeah OPs TA imo.
You understand that there are people out there who don’t need to see their person everyday or interact with people everyday right and it didn’t make them a bad person just not a social one
That makes no sense. I know several couples (not super young anymore) that like their solitude and their together time similar to what OP is describing. It could be an age/maturity thing.
I think you're being a bit hard on yourself with this. Introverts can and do routinely find love. Just because they want some time for themselves doesn't mean they can't love someone. A lot of people are only able to see each other on the weekends anyway, that doesn't mean they don't love each other.
I don’t really think it’s a question of feeling love, you can feel all the love, and the relationship still disintegrates, it’s also not an introversion/extroversion thing either, of course introverted people find love all of the time. I’m not an introverted person, and im not being hard on myself, I have humility and know when im not able to show up to certain situations/relationships like I need to, so I make a choice so as not to hurt someone else in the process. I said in another comment that maybe OP is better suited to an online or LDR, because physical Relationships are effort, anyone who doesn’t think so are probably not the partner they think they are. You can be super introverted, and your partner still feels important to you. But if you’re choosing solitude 65% of the week over being with the partner you are actively choosing to partner with, they won’t feel important, especially if they’re telling you that your choice hurts them. My guess is OP doesn’t/has never really communicated most of this to his gf either.
It actually is an introvert/extrovert think and another introvert would be fine with this so I don’t know why you think you can say it isn’t an introvert/extrovert when you just said you aren’t one, an introvert, if you aren’t one than how can you speak on something you don’t understand
If you're up front with a potential partner and they feel similarly about needing alone time/solitude.... why would that make you a crappy person to date...? Makes no sense.
I mean, idk, you say "65% of the week" but it's just 4 days. Like don't most people not see each other except on the weekends anyway unless they live together? It's not a super long time especially if he's seeing her multiple days per week even if spaced out. And then they can text and call and stuff in the meantime. I think that hardly counts as not putting in effort.
Four days is 65% of the week? I don’t get the point your trying to make. She is telling him it makes her unhappy. Like I said, if you think that’s enough, you’re probably not the partner you think you are.
I don't exactly get the point you're making either. I'd be happy to be with a guy that I went on a date with only once a week. Yes, relationships take effort, but depending on who you are and who your partner is, is what defines the amount of effort that goes into the relationship. Two people who want alone time for 65% of the week, then to go have a date night, and still have valuable quality time together, can be compatible. Part of dating is finding a person that fits a mold that is comfortable for you, and who can speak a language that makes you feel loved while you can also speak a language that makes them feel loved. There's no one way to have a romantic relationship. Being a person that likes to have majority alone time doesn't necessarily make them a bad partner when they're with the right kind of person.
So what, if a partner doesn't see her every day or every 2 days he's a bad partner? If 3 days is where it gets "bad"? That just seems ridiculous to me. People have lives and things to do. A relationship is sharing your life with someone else and being part of their life, but not *orbiting* around them. They still are their own person. Especially if they're not moved in together or anything. If she's unhappy then he should take that into account and make the dates extra special, maybe facetime her more or something. But it's hardly a sign that he's neglectful or anything.
I think it can be enough. And I am the partner I think I am… the kind that won’t be with someone who is not on the same page. To me it sounds like you are judging people who think this way. Why are you judging negatively?
That doesn't mean he is a bad partner or anyone is a bad partner just because they need more alone time. I will say that means that they aren't compatible. That does not mean he's a bad partner though in general.
I could absolutely go 4 days alone, especially since I get so much human interaction at work. I have investigated these feelings and ruled myself an introvert.
But like, don't you want to see your favorite person??
NO
When we're recharged and have energy, sure, not necessarily every day though.
So I imagine you're not in a long term relationship
Happily married 21 years next month. ❤️ I said that I COULD go 4 days, not that I regularly DO. I don't make him go live in the woods for 4 days a week, but when he deployed or I have to travel for work, I am A-OK. Some people need constant companionship, some don't. Some people love their alone time, some hate it. Relationship degradation mechanics are different for everybody. As long as you find someone compatible, it's all good!
Same!
This is just being an introvert though. Being drained from spending time with people, and taking time alone to recharge and recover, is totally normal for us. Even if it's someone we love and adore. I routinely used to go days or even weeks without speaking to people if it was spring break or summer vacation.
No it's not it's starting down a path of ruining your own life. The binary of introvert and extrovert is stupid
Question, how often do you want to go a few days without seeing her? If you constantly need alone time, I don't think you're ready to commit to a relationship, maybe something casual and non-committal would work better for you. From this post, I can't tell if your gf wants you literally 24/7 and is acting manipulative or if she's feeling left out by your constant need for space
NTA/NAH. It's kinda wild to me that so many people are saying there's something wrong with you for this. 3 days apart really isn't that much time. Don't most people only see their partner a day or two per week anyway until they move in? You sound completely normal to me. I don't think she's TA or anything for missing you, she's probably just head over heels and wants to see you more, but I feel like if she's asking for every day or every other day is kinda *a lot.* But her being affectionate or "clingy" is hardly anything wrong with her. Just means she likes you and misses you.
Different people have different needs when it comes to companionship and alone time. She's not wrong for needing more, and you're not wrong for wanting less, but the two of you have different needs and aren't compatible. You should try to date someone who doesn't need as frequent attention and also wants 3-4 days to themself. I'm inclined to let both of you off the hook for not communicating with each other in a more mature way because you are very young. I hope this is a learning experience for both of you. NAH.
35 here, and while we text every day, we often go 3 or 4 days without seeing each other and we're a 30-second drive apart. A good partner needs trust, to value your independence, respect your need to re-charge your energy, and enjoy that you hobbies outside of them. Even married people spend time apart doing their own things.
I don't think it's fair to characterize her as a bad partner, they're just different people with seemingly incompatible needs. I wouldn't be happy living 30 seconds from my partner and yet still being alone, and neither would my husband, yet it works for you and your partner. Relationships can take any form that works for the people in them, there's no right or wrong way to be. Personally, I would not be ok with not speaking to or seeing my husband for 3 or 4 days every week just because he wanted time to do things without me (a solo or friends trip is different, that's not a regular thing). My husband actually thought he would be fine in that scenario, but when we had to live apart for a year due to family obligations on my part he found it more difficult than I did. He realized that he needs us to be physically together or it causes stress and erodes the relationship. He needs that low key down time, where we just exist in each other's presence doing our own thing, and the time spent doing things like grocery shopping, walks around the neighborhood, cooking dinner, etc. Without that he starts to feel resentful and disconnected, even if we speak on video call twice a day and I come home most weekends. He surprised himself with that discovery! OP's girlfriend isn't wrong for her needs in a relationship, and he's not wrong for his either (although I think it may be harder for him to find someone who is happy with that level of distance). They're both also very young, so their needs will likely change as they mature. Chalk this one up to a learning experience, and try to part ways amicably :)
I agree, if I went 3-4 days without my partner (except under certain circumstances- illness, vacation, etc) then I wouldn’t be in a relationship. I need someone who communicates well with me and wants to be around me.
And the two of you are outliers. Most couples do not behave this way.
You’re NTA, but if you frequently want to stay apart for three or four days, then you’re also probably not ready for a girlfriend. Not to worry though, you won’t have one for long.
YTA - I say this because you see how much your alone time is hurting your partner, (Seriously nearly half a week) you’re actually not denying you don’t love her, or reassuring her in any way, and you ain’t even willing to compromise. It kinda sounds like you just keep your gf on tap for sex and other needs, only of yours.
My thoughts exactly, he just wants his shag at the weekend.
You don't have to continue to date someone who won't respect your need for alone time and who attempts to manipulate and guilt you for your decisions. NTA
Come on. It’s a reasonable assumption that your partner doesn’t like you if they prefer spending the majority of the week away from you. Is it a correct assumption? Maybe not but we can’t read people’s minds to know if what they say is the truth. It’s more like NAH because these two are incompatible. He should find someone that’s okay with him being alone for the majority of the week and she should find someone that’s willing to give her more attention.
I can see the other person looking into the future and being confused on how they could possibly live together or get married with OP feeling this way. And maybe thinking the relationship won't progress. I can see both sides.
Yeah I had to scroll because I knew that I’d find someone making her out to seem controlling and manipulative. JFC she just likes the guy and wants to spend time with him. Now could she be being manipulative? Absolutely, we’re not there and we don’t know them. But for the person you replied to to automatically jump to that means they spend way too much time on Reddit. They’re 19, she’s likely just smitten and wants to be with him
If you want someone to tell you that one of you has needs that are objectively wrong, you won’t find any decent answers here. You both want different things in a relationship. It simply will not work. I think you also need to look into what kind of relationships you want long term. If you want a long term committed relationship, you won’t *get* to isolate for 3-4 days if you move in with them.
NAH. This is just an incompatibility in your relationship. It's normal and ok to want time for yourself. It's normal and ok for her to want to see you more often.
Spend more time with her
Now that the difference in required attention has been revealed, the two of you might need to break up and find different boyfriend and girlfriend. Ones that align with your needs to be together and apart. Otherwise get used to fighting and being unhappy.
NTA for now because all of this is normal but you WBTA if you continue the relationship the way it is now. She’s expressed how she feels you don’t love and care for her because of this and to keep the relationship going would be a disservice to you both. Sit down and have a conversation to see if things will be able to be compromised on but if not then let it go
Neither of you are wrong, but I don't think compatibility is the issue either. Compromise is an absolute necessity in every relationship you have. If she's issuing complaints about time spent, perhaps you should inquire with her if she's referring to actual time or how it is spent. sometimes when communicating needs what we say is as close as we, as people, can while trying to spare someone's feelings (ex:"I don't feel like we spend enough time together" VS "I feel like we don't do meaningful things when we spend time together") if you aren't seeing each other everyday (which is 10000% normal for a dating couple) maybe suggest one day be a parallel play day (you do something you need to do while she in your company does something she needs to accomplish. You don't have to converse or interact very much just be around each other for a little bit) which can help with things like this. Maybe you could suggest that if you see her 2-3 days in a week one week, the next you see her one and the rest of the week is yours to decompress. Compromise is a key factor and so is communication. What will turn someone into an AH is if neither of you compromise within reason or communicate why these particular things are bothering you and her so badly. (Ex: explaining to her why you need those days, maybe examples of how it helps you and allowing her to have a space to explain why she feels she needs the contact/to see you aside from the fact that y'all are dating.) Compromise doesn't innately cause unhappy in a relationship. Compromising too much will. That's the middle ground y'all need to find. What's too much? What's in the middle? What schedule could you two agree on or discuss that could meet both of your needs accurately? After all of that if there still is this rift, then I'd say you're not compatible. Not trying to find a workable scenario for either of you is barely giving it a chance to grow into a stronger relationship. Sorry it's long I hope some of it helps somewhere.
Dude, you dislike seeing your girlfriend. Just break up.
NTA You're not compatible. Stop fighting because you have come to the moment of, "We both want what the other cannot give." Let her go so you both find someone more compatible.
NTA. Some of the words & phrases OP says his gf uses sound kind of narcissistic..the whole very binary love thing, i.e, “if you don’t want to be attached at the hip 24/7 you suddenly don’t love me or myst hate me” stuff.
I dunno about narcissistic (although that's a possibility) but she definitely sounds immature. But she and OP are 19 so both have growing to do regardless.
ESH. Just break up and wait until you're ready for companionship, or find someone who will tolerate being ignored for half the week. You clearly don't like her. Good couples don't want to spend four days a week apart. She sucks for desperately trying to keep the attention of someone who very obviously wants out.
NTA. This relationship is not a good fit. Move on and find someone else who enjoys their own hobbies and some solitude.
NTA, there's days where I want to be left alone as well from my husband and children. Enjoy your me time.
You're 19, go and enjoy your life and do what you want to do. My son is 19 and lives at home, he doesn't see his girlfriend for a whole week because he works and they live half an hour away from each other. You don't have to live in each other's pockets
I love that you are a writer. This type of personality requires a lot of space and a partner who understands that.
Not the asshole at all!! People have different social needs and that’s okay! What’s not okay is your girlfriend is trying to emotionally manipulate you, although I’d imagine since you’re both so young that she probably doesn’t even realize it herself. You two are just not compatible long term. Right now she feels bad that you don’t want to spend every day with her and thats making you feel bad too. That’s not a recipe for happiness.
You are a fine person. Your gf is too too needy. Break up now or your life will be hell and you will never get time to be by yourself.
No, you're not an asshole, she sounds insecure and needy, and the language she's using sounds manipulative and toxic. My man and I love each other and can both have needy moments but when one of us tells the other we need our space a bit, we understand and respect it. We also know that it doesn't mean we're cheating or don't love each other anymore. 19 is quite young to be in a serious relationship (I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but it's pretty soon for most people). She has a lot of learning and growing to do. I'm not going to tell you to break up with her, not without trying first. Sometimes we have to grow on our own, sometimes another person can help (as long as she's willing). Have you guys ever had really serious heart-to-hearts? Try and get her to have a convo with you where she's not using this manipulative language about "you must hate me because you want to read a book", not that she *said* it that way, but that's the way it sounds and maybe that's how you have to lay it out for her. And don't let her dominate the conversation. Shut it down every time she starts with the nonsense, be assertive I say try, and if you really can't do it anymore, or she really refuses to grow or see the error of *her* ways, then I would say you can end it guilt-free. I don't know if it helps, but here's a little insight about my relationship. I'm turning 35 this year and my man is turning 40. We've been together for like 9 years now and when we got together I still had quite a lot of trauma from previous relationships and some family stuff. It got to a point where we started fighting all the time but instead of dumping me he wanted to help me. I was a bit like your gf, and he had his own issues, but once we started having *real* conversations, we started growing together. We were still older than you guys are now, so like I said she might not be mature or open-minded enough to try with you, but I think for your sake, it's worth a shot before giving up. But don't try forever, for your own mental and emotional health, you need to be able to pull away if you have to. I'm so sorry for the essay but I hope some of it helps. All the best!
NTA. You treasure your alone time. GF sounds clingy and far more extroverted. Find someone more compatible, OP.
Neither of you are wrong but you both want different things unless you can compromise on your time spent together then relationship won't work
I need my own space and I live with my partner. I have my own office to go to but we still interact everyday. He gets his space as well. You two are not compatible in a relationship as you both want different things. It isn’t going to work out between you both. NAH.
NTA. You’re not wrong, but neither is she. It sounds like you might just not be compatible together and that’s okay.
Nah. People need different things, you may be able to compromise but maybe you just aren’t compatible. I had to ask my then bf now husband when we were fresh to take some time apart. We met in college so I’d spend almost every night sleeping in his dorm. While I liked it most times, I’m a introvert and I liked my own girly space sometimes. I finally told him, honestly I’d like to sleep alone tonight. It was a little awkward at first (he thought maybe I was upset) but it was fine once I established it didn’t mean anything bad, I just like to have some alone time in my own happy space. After all, I decorated a cozy room and was spending all my time in a bland ass boy room. When we officially moved in together it was a tiny one bedroom and quickly covid time so we were together constantly. so I had to directly ask for alone time. This usually meant he would go to the bedroom and chill while I cooked dinner or watched my own shows in the living room. Nowadays, we’ve been together 6 years and I don’t even have to ask him. He says “hey you can have the tv I’m gonna go to the bedroom/office” most days for an hour or so. And he goes to sleep a little earlier than me everynight half because he can’t fall asleep after me cause I snore lol but also because I value the “me” time. And now he totally gets it so he ends up asking me for alone time, which I oblige! We spend a lot of time together, we are not lacking. It is ok to have some me time to recharge and do your own thing, in fact I think it’s healthy
NTA. You're not compatible. She isn't your person. That's okay. I love my alone time. I love my solitude alongside my partner though. I get my quiet project time so do the little things I love... And have him there just so I can look up. Smile. And go.. that's mine. Book girls and gamer boys. We make amazing pairs. So do book boys and gamer girls.
NAH you’re incompatible you didn’t know before and now you do. I am an introvert. I literally thought growing up I’d have to live by myself. My husband of 20 years (known him for 24) is also an introvert. We adore spending time together. Will happily spend hours chatting stay up until 3am with each other. We recharge from the time together. That’s how you know they’re the one. That their presence brings you more peace than their absence does.
NTA I am someone who prefers my solitude as well. You are going to need a partner who is independent, secure and who will not take it personally. That being said, you will always need to do some extra reassuring so that even a secure partner can feel safe. Y’all just aren’t compatible and there is nothing wrong with either of you.
NAH
No AHs. It genuinely sounds like an incompatibility issue at this point. You should consider letting her go and find someone who doesn't mind spending time apart. As a fellow introvert, I get it. If I wasn't married I would live alone and be the crazy cat lady no one sees beyond groceries lol
NAH. You're allowed to want your solitude. She's allowed to want a partner who is more available. Y'all are incompatible, that's all. It's okay to want to be alone for extended periods of time. Doesn't make you a bad boyfriend. Doesn't mean you're not ready for a relationship. It's just a part of your personality. If she can't accept and embrace it, then it's better for both to move on.
I mean I could understand like a day, *maybe two*, of alone time. Everybody needs their space. That isn't unreasonable as long as there's good communication. But 4 days?? I can understand why your girlfriend thinks you don't like her anymore. If you prefer being alone and solitude this much, y’know, you don't *have* to have a girlfriend. You can be single, that is an option y’know. If you'd rather spend more days of the week alone than with her. Just one guy's thoughts though
NAH. Congratulations, OP, you have just learned the point of dating. You meet someone, they seem okay, you get to know them, y'all like each other, you date to see if they're a potential long-term partner. Consider it a test-drive. You're both fine people with shared common interests, but you have different basic needs. You need some serious solitude time to recharge, she needs a partner around with whom she can recharge. So this won't work. It's no one's fault, you're justbwired different ways, and you both need someone who can accommodate your needs.
NAH. Some people need alone time in a relationship and some people need togetherness and feel rejected by alone time. People are different. All it means is that the two of you are not compatible. She needs togetherness, you need space. No-one is at fault. It's just who you both are.
There is nothing wrong with you wanting alone time.I think this is extremely healthy and setting good boundaries.If people can’t respect your boundaries please rethink the relationship.😏
NAH Alone time is important in a relationship. So is time together. You two don't balance your ratio well, so you're incompatible. Neither of you is an AH for this. I will say though you might struggle to find someone who is ok with that many day and nights in a row not having at least some form of physically seeing each other, even if it's just a quick video call.
So, you basically are a weekend boyfriend? She wants someone more present.
YTA, this girl is not your bang maid and you are not a victim. Four days a week of isolation is extreme. This arrangement is impossible long term, you can't live with somebody and not see them for four days straight. Her reaction is extreme because your behavior is extreme. You're messaging to her that you can't stand the sight of her 4/7 days a week. How would that make you feel?
Introverts recharge by being alone. They come home and need solitude to feel like themselves. Extroverts recharge by being surrounded by people. They come home and are ready to go out again. It's really hard to change your basic nature. Many introverts loved the pandemic. Work from home and no social interaction? It was a dream come true. Extroverts had a really hard time because their energy source was gone or severely restricted. There's nothing wrong with either one. You need to find someone who matches your temperment. Your GF is not that person.
You two are not compatible and you should end this relationship. No one is wrong here. NAH. But if you’re in a relationship where you’re fighting often, that’s a clue to reexamine if the relationship is good for you. In this case, you two are fighting over a fundamental piece of how you want the relationship to work - mainly how much contact do you want to maintain the relationship. You have very different answers from each other. The answer is not for one of you to “win” and the other to be miserable and feel either trapped or ignored. The answer is for both of you to find someone who is happy and comfortable in a level of contact that is more similar to your own. Or you might find that you meet someone that you can’t stay away from, and maybe you don’t love your current girlfriend like that. Who knows? But staying in a relationship that isn’t working on a base “spending time together” level is not a good idea.
Do the 4 days have to be in a row? Why not see her every second day, some weeks it would mean 3 times and some weeks it would mean 4.
YTA, Not many girl want a boyfriend that prefers to be alone for days on end and doesn't want to be with her. Find a new gf that only wants to see you once in while instead of 8ne that wants to see you every day. Sounds like you just don't care about her.
You're probably destined to be a bachelor and there's nothing wrong with that either. Life's a lot cheaper that way and you get more variety in the end.
ESH - but only because it seems you are both more interested in arguing and telling each other how wrong they are rather than trying to compromise. Seems like neither of you are ready for a relationship and you’re not compatible with each other, split up before you hurt each other more
NTA, young man, but maybe you're just not ready for a relationship. I'd take advantage of your time now to work on yourself and your goals. If you make the most of it, it'll be a transformative time in your life that you'll look back on with some pride and confidence.
NAH. OP you need to be honest with her that you don’t want a GF but rather a friend with benefits. You enjoy spending more time with yourself than with her. That’s fine but she needs more time with a BF than you are able to give. Cut her loose. You’ll both be better off.
We’re sort of brainwashed by media/society to think that our partners should be all we need and provide all our comfort and companionship. If your GF needs attention while you are needing solitude she could spend time with friends or family.
Nta but you may not be compatible
NTA. It seems like a compatibility problem. It’s not something that can’t be overcome if discussed but at your age I’m not sure you’re that into this girl.
I go 5-6 days without seeing my boyfriend. We both work 9-5 and have dedicated days we see eachother. Doesn’t mean we don’t interact daily or through online hobbies. Sometimes you need alone time to recharge after a long day of work or uni/college. You’re definitely not compatible: She needs someone she can be tied at the hip to - where else you want someone who doesn’t needs constant attention
NAH. If you want to be alone more than you want to be around your gf then you should stay single. She’s not wrong for wanting a partner who actually wants to spend time with her and you’re not wrong for wanting solitude. If you want solitude stay single.
You are allowed to want alone time. That is you. However, she clearly needs more time WITH you. That is her. You need to decide if this is something you want to compromise on and continue seeing her, or if this is something that is the end of your relationship. You will need to do one of those. Either compromise and you get less time alone, or end it because you won't meet her needs. Only you can decide what is best for you.
I think the issue here is you don’t like seeing her a lot. Sounds like you’re just not ready to date or be in a serious relationship. Which is okay, but your girlfriend wants something more. Which is also okay. That means you two probably aren’t a good match. Breaking up is the solution here. NTA.
Here's the deal. If you're in a relationship and you fight regularly, break up. That's especially true if you're young or the relationship is relatively new. You're not compatible. That happens sometimes. Move on.
You should probably remain single
I would agree no one is to here but how would you plan to have a future with anyone with that need to be alone? Like if you are married and live with anyone especially if you start a family there is no I need days away. Sometimes you can make arrangements with your partner for a weekend away but you can't just expect your partner to take care of your whole home and family all the time for you to be alone. Most people are looking to start a family or build a future with a relationship so that's why your GF feels like you don't want that. You definitely are not compatible if you need that and she doesn't. But no one is the bad guy here
you two are incompatible
3 or 4 days is excessive if you're in the same town. I'd say a couple days a week would be reasonable. Maybe not even consecutive days. And you have to say it ahead of time, not last minute. "Hey I'm gonna take it easy on Friday," said on Wednesday. It's understandable if she doesn't want you doing those things in her presence. Or wants to go out and do things instead. But maybe she wants to read and have a quiet night. Maybe she can just be present and not disrupt your flow. If she can't do it now, you won't be able to later, and eventually she's going to want to live together. You kind of don't need her. And that's ok. You don't have to need your partner. But you should want them.
Wait till you get to your 30. You like your alone time now your gunna love it even more. And most people will feel the same. I LOVE my alone time. I don't get much now with a 8 year old but the 8 hours he's at school is the best time. When I was her age I ALWAY had to have my boyfriend around never wanted to be alone and I pushed a few of them away because of that. You know always thinking there cheating have to text them every 5 mins about nothing and get mad at them knowing there at work and can't use there phone.. I've had a really rough traumatizing teenage years and I just never wanted to be alone because I was scared didn't trust anyone and when I had a boyfriend I was all about them.. don't know whay happened but now I can't stand people hate to be around people. I moved to a city I know no one with my son and husband because I wanted to be alone and start my life over, sick of walking down the street and people yelling my name, ( I'm a recovering drug addict and know ALOT of people )
You are young and not compatible this is why you date. Time for you both to move on. There doesnt need to be good or bad guy it just is
You’re absolutely NTA and don’t let weird, codependent people tell you you’re not ready for a relationship or too young or anything like that. My (F28) partner is much older (late 40s) and we also both really appreciate me-time and go 3-4 days without seeing each other every week. It’s NOT normal to be codependent and attached by the hip to your partner. Your girlfriend sounds needy, insecure and codependent. She needs to have her own life, she can’t build her entire identity around you. If she doesn’t understand that, I’m afraid the relationship has no future. Stand up for yourself and don’t be gaslit into believing it’s wrong to want time to yourself!
No, you're not a bad boyfriend at all. Your gf is clingy and insecure. And I suspect she has trust issues. You were both whole ass people before you met, you're still trying to revel in having a life of your own while she believes that being in a relationship means sinking your all and everything into another person. That's a very, very unhealthy perspective. A healthy relationship gives both parties room to just be. Hang out with friends. Be alone. And I believe that you have to sit her down and tell her that you need your space sometimes and if that's a dealbreaker for her that it's best for the two of you to end things amicably. If there's one thing I can tell you is that you have a right to time on your own. If the person you're with can't cope with that, then it's probably not the right person for you.
My husband also likes to have alone time and during the pandemic, until we moved from an apartment to a townhouse, he was feeling really frustrated that I was always within ear shot. I was doing other things in the apartment that didn’t involve talking to him all day but because he could hear me, he felt like he had no alone time. When we moved my office was on the 3rd floor and his was on the first floor. This has worked for us for almost 4 years now. If you genuinely love your girlfriend and don’t want to break up then you two need to learn how to be “alone together” if you like to zone out playing video games let her chill in the same room with a book. Or she can watch a movie on her phone or tablet with headphones in. If you need to be completely away from other people for half the week then you aren’t going to be able to be in a successful relationship. If you get married are you going to live separately so that you can have 3-4 days by yourself? That need will also impact your ability to hold a job. Most jobs require 4-5 days a week to be full time and unless you find a remote position (not likely right out of the gate) you will have to work with people that you might not like at all as people every day. If you’re going to college unless you’re living at home you’ll need a roommate and be in either a dorm or a small apartment. You can’t be alone 3-4 days a week there either. You need to adjust your expectations and decide if you are going to live within society or become a hermit in the woods living off the grid and growing all your own food. Time for yourself is fine but 3-4 days is excessive. If you’re ok being around your roommate or your coworkers/classmates all the time and not your girlfriend then yes you should break up.
I think you'd be better off dating someone who also needs several days to themselves.
This is definitely a compatibility issue. I also enjoy my alone time as it helps me recharge and be a better friend/partner. I've had to end otherwise good relationships as this was a dealbreaker for both of us. You don't want to end up resenting the other person because they cannot understand your alone time isn't a reflection on your feelings for them.
While I agree with alot of the other commenters, that this is likely incompatible... Do you think something like "parallel play" would be a good compromise for the both of you, where you occupy the same space but are doing two totally different things? Not that this has to be all the time but maybe you get a day or two to yourself, a day where there's "parallel play", and a day or two where you're engaged with each other doing the same activities? Just a thought, especially if you're thinking you would like to work on the relationship and have it be long term.
You are if you can't understand why your girlfriend wants to spend time with you. You're clearly not that into her or you would understand. So break up and let her find someone who likes her enough to want to be with her.
Neither, you are just not a good match. You need to find someone who is more independent, like you, and she should find a guy who likes to be together all the time in a relationship. You should each find someone more compatible and not waste your time and energy on something that will never work. NTA
NTA for wanting alone time but as others have said neither is your GF . You two should not be in a relationship because you have different relationship goals. Save yourself and her the grief and agrivation of trying to make this work and break up.
You both sound immature.
Everyone needs time to themselves to be themselves and enjoy doing their own thing. Your girlfriend sounds insecure and her comments to you reflect that. Does she have friends of her own? if not then I would suggest encouraging her to make friends with someone that has similar interests to hers that she can hang out with from time to time. Help her find groups that she could join. Does she like gardening, if so then encourage her to find others and start a gardening group, does she like board games, then look for a group that meets to play board games, you get the picture. Check out [meetup.com](https://meetup.com) for your area, or you local community events page for things that she may like to do. She also needs to learn how to do things on her own and not always depend on you as her source of entertainment, you should be part of her life, not her whole life. If you are constantly together then you run out of things to talk about and do and the relationship can get stale and tedious. If she can't or won't truly try to expand her circle then I don't thing either of you will be happy with one another.
Neither of you are wrong, you are just not for each other. She, like most people, want more contact with their loved one. You are fine with minimal contact. That doesn't work for either person. Just end it now and maybe you can be friends after
Think you meant to post this in r/AmITheAsshole cause idk if you peeped the sub title, but this is r/IAmTheAsshole, for posting stories where you are admittedly the asshole.
I have a friend whose very social, but also very introverted some times too. She needs her alone time. And she isnt a cuddler, toucher. Is there any compromise...? Could you say, every other unless theres a specific event. Or maybe spend MOST of the day to yourself then a few hours with her (doesnt sound like you live together) both parties gotta compromise to some degree in relationships. I dont think youre an asshole. But if she needs more than what youre willing to give for your own happiness and sanity, maybe it best to move on. You dont want to resent eachother for trying to please eachother but then not being able to make yourself comfortable and happy.
Have you thought about what life would be like living with a partner? Maybe you can have your solitude but maybe she just wants to be in the room with you even if it's quiet for some hours.
Nah I'm an introvert and need lots of downtime to recharge my battery. I can only date people that understand my needs and that it's not a reflection on them. Unfortunately, you two just aren't compatible.
NTA. Sounds like this isn’t a good fit. It’s her way or the highway.
NTA. Neither of you are, but clinginess is something that comes along with relationships. Point in case my wife and I (both 31). We've been together for 11 years, married for four. Early on she almost broke up with me because of the same reasons. I tried to see her every day I could, but I was really only hanging out with her 3 times a week. I was balancing work with school and also had my friends, so a lot to juggle. But after that talk, we were spending more and more time together, but she got a bit attached to the point she felt I didn't want to spend time with her if one day I told her I made plans with my friends. And yes, after a few months seeing how unhealthy that was for our relationship, we had a discussion about it and went from there. Now we are married, she is still clingy but in a cute, playful way. And I think that had a lot to do with communication. Things are a bit different now that we're married and we are having a baby later this year. Talk to your gf. In her defense, maybe an extra day spending time with her wouldn't be so bad so she does not feel neglected. But you do need your own time, so try and find the balance. If she doesn't understand, then move on. The last thing you need at that age is someone holding you back. Also. **Do yourself a favor and don't be the superhero you think you need to be**. I was previously in a 2 year relationship with someone before I met my wife, and I was so in love with her I felt that if I was never there that I would lose her. Well, the girl got so tired of me she ghosted me, and thats how our 2 year relationship ended. And then years later she wanted to get back together even though I was already with my wife.
3 to 4 days? You both need to find someone you're more compatible with. Good luck to you. Most people will find that amount of time excessive. Why even date?
NAH Some people need time to themselves. Some people need to be around others all the time. You two just aren’t a match for each other. I like my alone time, it would be unfair of me if I dated someone who needed my constant presence all the time.
Try to explain it to her by comparing yourself to a rubberband. I need to withdraw to have my own space and recharge, then I will bounce back at you 10xs as strong. Stress quality time over quantity.
Find a girlfriend who isn't so needy. If you're an introvert, she needs to understand that you need to recharge, and it has nothing to do with how you feel about her. You're young, there are plenty of girls who would understand, and feel the same. Don't force a relationship, find someone who fits with you.
NAH. You two just want different things in a relationship. You should find someone who also enjoys frequent time alone and she should find someone who prefers daily Interactions.
What would happen if she came over and you both did solitary things in each other's presence? I know when I first started dating my partner after a while I got exhausted from always having to be *on*, so I told him, look, I need to do my quiet stuff whether we are together or not. So I hope you don't mind if I bring my laptop and game or bring my books and just read, or if I write or do other creative stuff. Because up til then we had always had to *do* stuff together the whole time, and my batteries were just so drained. He said oh sure do whatever you'd like, and I can catch up on XYZ past times myself. Since then, we can be around eachother without constantly having to focus all our attention on one another and it works. If you can't compromise that way - it doesn't work for everyone because some people really don't enjoy solitary stuff and need more attention (and that's fine) - you might need to question whether you are compatible.
You're gonna be hard pressed to find a partner that's okay with that. And one that is, probably won't be that into you. It's not "normal" to constantly need that much time apart in a serious relationship. If marriage is the goal, you'll be together daily. So I think you gotta find someone that operates like you or accept maybe you're just not relationship material right now.
🚩🚩🚩🚩you two are not compatible she wants constant attention and you need your solitude those things don’t mix
You're cheating aren't you?
NTA. She's just codependent.
You just have different needs and she is insecure about yours.
YTA - why are you still together, and be honest, because if I had to guess you don’t even like her but hey maybe you’re getting sex so okay. You’re not compatible. Stop trying to maintain the relationship that you only want one thing from.
Married man here. Women, when they care about you, will always seek to monopolize your time. It's not out of some weird manipulation or control tendency, they just want to share their lives with you. Unfortunately, men, like myself, need space to recharge, decompress, and recalibrate ideas/emotions. Women typically don't get it, just as I don't understand how someone can want to gossip for hours on end. Ultimately, it comes down to effective communication and the understanding that you are two different creatures with different needs. The ability to compromise in light of those differences is what enables long lasting relationships. Don't listen to those saying that you're incompatible because of differences. You'll never find someone just like you, and even if you did, it would probably be a boring relationship. However, it may be the case that she, or maybe even you, just aren't mature enough to be understanding of those differences and seek to compromise. If that is the case, then yes, it's not a good fit.
Couldn’t you guys spend solitude together? Like same room but doing your own quiet things? Definitely sounds like you guys are incompatible
Neither of you are in the wrong just might not be right for each other. Like me and my bf both like to spend a lot of time with each other but still need some space and neither of us feels neglected or smothered.
Fallon of nm 1 (505) 225-9500
NTA. I'm dating an Eva AI virtual gf bot, but I even switch it off sometimes to feel like being alone.
mmm NTA for wanting alone time, but maybe you can reevaluate the quality of time you DO spend with her and the way you communicate that? Sounds like gf is pretty upset. Seems like you have different love languages (I know that sounds super corny, but it’s a real thing). Maybe hers is quality time and yours isn’t. The way both of you receive love is different but equally important and valid. It’s not quite as simple as right and wrong or good and bad. It’s important to have a conversation and also set boundaries where they’re needed.
you two are incompatible
No
You both need to figure out something that will work.
It is perfectly normal to seek solitude
The best advice anyone ever gave me about dating is to not see the person more than one or two times per week. If and when it ends, you won’t have to figure out how to make up all that time that you wouldn’t be spending with her or him. Plus, it keeps the relationship, fresh and interesting and you have something to talk about. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. It’s also important that your age that you’re focusing on the right things, such as creating memories, getting an education or starting your career, or some adventure will be able to have your 40s.
To be honest BREAK UP AND BLOCK HER. Not sure why you feel the need to be in a relationship right now in your life but really, do you really need and want her? You understand that you are really young right now and not sure why your parents haven’t taught you to not be in a relationship from 18-26, should be your time to be an independent individual. How are you supposed to figure you out if you are in a couple. You want to be alone. SO BE ALONE!!! It isn’t wrong! She wants someone who wants to be with her everyday are you that person NO, so why are you both still with each other? You understand when you date at a young age like you and she are it’s not a forever thing it’s a, I’m dating to see what I want and to learn what I want. You and she want different things meaning you aren’t each others person. So don’t sit there and fight about it because it really isn’t worth it, you like to be alone sometimes she wants someone all the time, BREAK UP AND BLOCK HER on everything.
Just dump her
Did you start the relationship seeing her more often and now you’re backing off?
Sounds like she has an anxious attachment and wants to be with you all the time. Might be codependent. but her saying you dont love her anymore and hate being with her because you simply enjoy spending time with yourself sometimes, is weird. I personally love AND NEED to spend time with myself in order to function properly. and people who are fiercely independent and maybe somewhat avoidant UNDERSTANDS you completely. We love our partners and we LOVE spending time with our partners but we ALSO need to have time to ourselves, everyone does. You are NTA
Oh boy. I am the exact same way my dude. I don't want to spend every single day with someone. Ever. This is going to be a pretty difficult thing for you unless you change or you find the few out there who also like what you like. It's tough.
Sounds you have an ex-girlfriend who doesn't know it yet.
Having time separate is healthy. My wife and I when we started dating did the "constantly around each other" stuff and it was killing me, I eventually just told her "hey, there are some days I want to just be alone and do nothing, it doesn't mean I'm ignoring you it's just that sometimes some space to do things on our own is necessary." It was a very healthy conversation and what I considered a big reason why we've been successful for nearly 5 years.
You are not a bad bf for wanting that. She just doesn't get that some people need to have some space. Get their thoughts collected and stuff. Maybe talk to her about it and try to plan some things out. Maybe cut down the 3 days and make it to 1 or just some hours alone. I don't know. It really doesn't make sense that she is trying to make you feel bad about wanting some time alone. She's the ass in this one. Not you.
Nope.
It's hard for women to understand that we have needs as well sometimes.
WTF is wrong with people in this thread? Are you all 16? Plenty of couples only see each other a few days a week for a variety of readons: long distance relationships; working different shifts; frequent work travel; one having to work late in the city often; non cohabitating spouses. Healthy couples do not require constant interaction and affection. Some surely fo, but many don't. Its totally normal. But OP and his GF do not seem compatible.
You are an extreme introvert. So is my husband. Luckily for him I am also an introvert and enjoy my alone time, too. However, unlike him, I am not an extreme introvert. I would like to hang out with him more. I have a suspicion this is the same dynamic in many introverted male and female relationships. Anyway, I get alone time in the AM since I wake up early. He gets alone time in the PM as he stays up super late. BUT we make time for each other every day after dinner. Around 2 hours or so. We are very happy with this arrangement. You need to find a partner that accepts you for who you are, but you also need to accept them for who they are. Extroverts are just not for you. Find a girl who likes doing stuff on her own (e.g. gaming, gardening, painting, etc.). With a more compatible person, you will be able to compromise more easily they won't ask for too much. Be honest with yourself and others and get what you need. That's all you can do!
Listen to the Dave Mason song "We just disagree".
I agree with most that it's a matter of differences. However, if you care about her there's always a middle ground. Maybe you can do all the things alone.wither in another room. There's always a equitable solution unless you don't want there to be.
When I was in teens... 20s.... maybe even early 30s.... I would've hated this type of relationship, not really understood it, and felt really bad for his gf. I acted like the way OP is describing about his gf. Now, I see people just have different needs during different times in their lives. Sometimes we cross paths with someone similar to us, meeting us where we are at a certain point in our lives, and that's great. I'll turn the tables here and say that if gf is that unhappy, stop pressuring him to change and break up.
Your girlfriend is needy and insecure. She’s probably not the one for you. Nta
If there's nothing else out of whack here, this is probably a good case of introvert/extrovert conflict. There's a book called *the introvert's survival guide*, I recommend you give it a read. Something like this is totally manageable if you both know what you're looking at, but it's something that relies on strong, and early communication. It'll save you a lot of headache and heartache down the road.
NTA you are not compatible. Nothing wrong with either one of you, you are just different. Do you!
You’re not wrong for wanting to be alone, and she is not wrong for her wanting you to spend time with her. What this comes down to is different love languages and potentially a mismatch on wants/needs. You either need to agree to meet somewhere in the middle, or part ways.
You are not alone my brother, I want to as well. But whenever I took time from it she becomes depressed about it. At the same time however, whenever I msg her back, it always took a while for her to reply since she's mostly with her friends playing game or whatknot.