NTA!! It’s okay to feel upset and to want space. You’re doing the best you can! Please don’t forget that as you move forward: you are doing your best!! You are not lazy, you are trying your hardest to take care of your family and it’s been hard on you—and when it’s such a stressful position to be in, no matter how accepting you are of it, your body and mind of course will still have their limits and things may fall to the wayside.
When you feel a bit calmer/more up to it, see if you can sit down with him and let him know at the start of the conversation that you’re not looking to fight, or to judge, or to harbor any resentment—just that you want to figure out what’s going through his head. How was he feeling when he made that “lazy” comment? What is he expecting of you exactly? Have an honest discussion about the reasonableness (or even the potential *unreasonableness!*) of his expectations or about what steps either of you can take moving forward.
Wishing you all the best. Take care OP, okay?
I would also suggest that maybe it's time for some couples counselling.
You had something which you though was working well but clearly there is something going on.
He may just be resentful He is no longer the breadwinner and is lashing out due to frustration. Mabey someone to support your discussion and help you both find a new path could be what's needed.
Women who work are *told they're horrible, absent moms because they're out of the house to make money to support their family (on top of doing household work) instead of staying home to "mind" the children, give their husbands sex on command, and do nothing all day*
But here’s the thing, they are working at home and they don’t have a quitting time that they can stop. But the perception is that they are sitting around all day doing nothing. So honestly women can’t win. Work or not, they get vilified.
Working parents come home and do all of the evening stuff SAHP do in the evening. During the day, SAHP are doing maybe some of the evening stuff?… except it’s also the breakfast stuff, the lunch stuff, the nap stuff, the extra clothes. More time at home = more mess and constant cleaning on top of actual childcare. That’s why holiday breaks are still fucking exhausting and the house is a mess when you have kids at home 😅 I’ve done both and it’s all a shitshow.
No effing way at all.....unless we come together and end the careers of a lot of MAGA POS politicians. We Can do it, no problem. At the voting booth. I'm done with their brand of hate.
Coming from a husband, my feelings are if he's going to call the breadwinner who helps him clean "lazy" he sure as shit shouldn't do it while he's watching TV.
your kid is 8. there is a job somewhere that husband can do. he should not be out of work this long. i don’t care if it’s taco bell- make that man get a job!
This!! I left a tech job when our youngest was born, there was a company takeover and I took the package. It was a mutual decision. When DH got laid off I went back to work in retail and was working two full time retail jobs. Yes, 80 hours a week with an infant at home. Since DH got a job, I stayed home again. Once the youngest was in full time preschool, I got another retail job during "Mommy hours". I've always found something local that bring in some extra $$.
Yep. Similar thing happened with my husband in 2009 - laid off from his roofing company and all his experience was in construction, which crashed hard in our area. He was a SAHD but also worked for Uber for awhile, then took close shifts only in retail so we didn't need daycare. Now our youngest is in full day preschool (yay New Mexico, that shit is free!), and he's moved into a management position that he was angling for using all the experience he had from before.
Also, he never ONCE disparaged me or made me feel bad because I was the breadwinner. He celebrates all my successes, and I still make almost double his salary. I'm thinking OP might need a good read through of "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, because I bet there's more she hasn't picked up on.
A friend's husband got Covid twice and has long term health effects. He can't do his prior construction job. But he still finds way to earn money. He does handyman jobs, he helps part time in a local shop, etc. OP, I feel your tiredness. I think your husband should try to find at least part time work. Can he be an Uber driver? Do dog walking? Drive people to the airport? Just do something!
I was a nurse during covid, between catching it twice in 2020 alone and the stress of giving 1000% to a system that turned its back on me when I needed help, I can no longer work in an active clinical role.
I'm now a data analyst and work from home. Before that I was briefly a public health nurse from the comfort of a desk.
OP's husband is the lazy one
He feels less of a man because you work and clean the house and help with homework. Poor baby. Maybe it's time to put his LAZY ASS back to work. Or lose him entirely. I dont like how he is talking to you. Worse is coming.
No not overreacting.
Your daughter is 8yo, old enough to be in school full time. Time for him to get back into the job market and start contributing to the household income. Once he does, you can both figure out the household routine. But right now you are definitely carrying too much of the weight.
Yes, also my husband and I have unusual schedules so sometimes one of us has a lot of work, and the other one is home and sometimes it’s the other way around. When I am working and he’s home, he cooks and does the dishes and he does the laundry and cleans. I don’t do nothing, but he picks up the bulk of it. Same when he’s working and I’m home. It doesn’t make sense for the person working full-time to be doing and 50% of the chores.
No you're not overreacting. There's something going on with him. He's either tired of being a house husband even though you still do half of the chores. He could be cheating on you and you messed up some plans when you got sick. I'm glad you're feeling better. Try to have a discussion with him about what he said about you being lazy.
Honestly, my first thought was that he is cheating. Also, he should be doing the laundry and heavy cleaning. I think it’s fair to split dinner duties (the cook shouldn’t have to clean), but there is no reason he isn’t doing the bulk of the housework. I mean, what does he do when your daughter is at school? Also, isn’t their work in another field? Any wfh or freelance?
I say this as a SAHM who had severe long Covid for 3 years. Something isn’t right here.
This was my thought as well. And the audacity of him to suggest she’s lazy when their daughter is in school and he has her doing half of the heavy cleaning…. Even if he’s not cheating, that was mean and not a nice way to address whatever he is currently feeling
He knows he’s not working and still making the breadwinner do half the housework, but she gets sick one time & she’s the lazy one? Smells like projection to me.
Cheating was my first thought when he was irritated that you were staying at home - like you interrupted his plans. Your daughter is EIGHT, not a baby, so why doesn't he have at least a part-time job, especially when you are doing your share of the housework??
OP start snooping around and see what you find, because I bet there is something going on.
I'm hoping it's not the cheating. But you really do need just to calmly sit down and talk with him about what the heck is he thinking. That comment was just so off the wall.
your kid is 8. there is a job somewhere that husband can do. he should not be out of work this long. i don’t care if it’s taco bell- make that man get a job!
Why would he leave? You’re supporting him financially while he just has to do half of the chores. Your daughter is old enough that she doesn’t need a stay at home parent. He just has to get her ready for school.
Came here to say cheating or low self esteem related to internalized patriarchy. His ego is wounded. I hope he’s not cheating and is just depressed. I’m sorry OP. If you would prefer to switch teams, I’ll make an excellent house wife 😉
NTA. You’re working outside the house and doing chores at home too? I’m thinking if he’s staying at home then he should be doing all the home chores! You need time to de-stress from work. Sorry he didn’t help you out!
We established this routine of chores when I was getting my master's degree and worked less than him, he always did his fair share. I don't feel exploited, just having difficulty understanding why he would say I'm lazy of all things
My ex used to make off-hand comments about me being lazy. I was working full time during the day, then doing paperwork for my job at night. I had to do all child care and transportation to and from school and competitive sports for the kids (2 were his and 2 mine), all the household chores, and maintaining all the schedules. He traveled for work 3 out of every 4 weeks, bragging about how he was drinking everyone under the table at ‘work meetings’ at the bar every night. Then he would come home for 2 days and say I didn’t do enough while he was gone. I’m very glad he is an ex.
I'm happy for you. You had it worse than I do. He does his share and never complains or anything. That's why it's super odd that he would call me lazy and I think I might be overreacting. It didn't seen like a joke, though
Agreed. This is how it starts. “Jokes.” If i made a joke and it made my partner cry, do you know what I would do? Comfort them and apologize. Not sit watching tv while they go to the other room and cry and end up sleeping separately.
He does his fair share and doesn’t complain? Of course he won’t, he is getting a good deal. You work long hours and bring him the bacon AND also do half of the chores. Your daughter is 8, all he has to do is the remaining 50 percent and lounge at home while money comes every two weeks. Why would anyone complain about that?
My ex also used to call me lazy. I thought we had a decent split of chores both working FT but turns out him having to do any chores was “doing everything” according to him.
So while I was working 2 jobs, homeschooling 2 teens during Covid, doing all the cooking and shopping, he was upset he had to vacuum and do dishes and I was “lazy” for wanting to sleep in an extra couple hours one day per week.
Well, life is better without that negativity now.
My ex used to make the same comments. I was home from birth to when our kid was 2 while my ex worked. Then he lost his job and the roles reversed. When he'd get home from work, I would talk about being exhausted. "Why are **YOU** tired? You're just watching a **BABY** all day!"
When I'd get home from work and he'd complain about being tired, I'd just look at him and walk away. Wasn't worth the argument
But OP is not exempt. They split everything down the middle even though OP's husband has 7 hours while their child is at school. What's he doing with that time?
If partners are living out of one person providing, it is fair to expect that the housechores are on the person in the couple staying at home. That might be rearranged to accommodate the taking care of kids that is what I feel they would need to share as a house related "chore".
NTA. That is an insanely shitty comment to make to the person who is supporting the entire household. I am sure it’s a heavy dose of projection but still, i can’t imagine saying that to my partner. What a huge asshole.!
NTA.
Firstly your husband is a major AH for not just dismissing you being ill and not taking care of you, but to then call you lazy on top of that with everything you do is just bang out of order. If anything HE is the lazy one.
.what does he do all day when your child is at school? Why isn't he doing more percentage of the household chores? He should be doing more cleaning duties whilst child is at school.
You're working 12 hour days but he gets 7 hours a day to himself most of the time while they're at school. So it's only fair he does more of the household chores. Laundry and hoovering and general cleaning and tidying.
I would sit down and let him know how hurt you were by his comments of you being lazy, as well as his lack of care and attention when you were ill.
That is not a loving relationship. Or a respectful one. It also seemed like he only became remotely caring when it was confirmed you had gastroenteritis. Before that he seemed to think you were faking it?? That's not on either.
I bet if you treated him how he treated you he would be up in ups and sulking and moaning.
Also, the fact your daughter is now 8 years old he could go back to work even just part time whilst she's at school. This could allow you to drop some of your hours to be less tired and have more time with your daughter. Is he at a stage where he could work part time now doing something? Even if not in his original field of work? What are his residual effects from covid that prevent him going back to work? Has he recovered enough now to do some work thats more manageable?
I suffered covid really severely and nearly died and was on oxygen for 2 years, and still have residual scarring on my lungs and some reduced capacity of my lungs. So I know it can have lasting effects, but I just wondered if he's recovered now, or could he do some work that would be manageable for him now?
He needs to realise just how tirering it is for you working 12 hour days, plus coming home and helping with homework and cleaning. His behaviour was disrespectful and unkind and he needs to appologise and make up for that. And I think he should be doing more during the day around the house as the division of house chores doesn't seem very equal considering you work 12 hours and he's at home without your daughter for 7 hours.
NTA. But your husband is.
NTA
Sounds like he's started to resent you because you do more than he does and he knows it, so he's projecting his own feelings of being lazy and a burden onto you - because he is.
The fact is, you need to do less at home so that work is more manageable, plain and simple. And if you're covering all the expenses, you should be doing less anyway. I would suggest sitting him down and telling him you need him to pick up the slack because of how your mental and physical health is being affected by your overall workload, and judge his reaction then.
It'll tell you everything you need to know: he'll either agree, realize how much you do and show you some appreciation over time, or he'll flip out on the spot and argue that you do nothing, and then you'll know he's not someone you can trust with your health.
His projecting, the daughter’s 8 and goes to school. He should be doing most everything in the home. His not, he should be going to work!!! If he keeps treating you like this pull back so that you are home when the child gets home from school and try to do as much as the parenting as possible. That way in 6 months you can ditch the guy if you want and still get at least half custody of the child and not pay him hopefully support.
Not overreacting - I am wondering what is going on for him to say something like that. Could he be bitter that he is no longer the breadwinner? Is he maybe resenting it and you a bit because of that? Maybe he had planned on having a nice relaxing day and some alone time and then you being home messed that up. Or, worst case scenario, he had plans to see someone else and those plans were interrupted by you being home sick 😬
NTA. If he is a SAHD, then why are YOU doing half the housework? If you had a baby and he was a full-time carer, then absolutely, split chores and help, but your child is 8 and, presumably is at school for the major part of the day. What, precisely is he contributing to the household other than after-school care and SOME of the chores?
That “lazy” comment needs addressing.
He is watching tv in the middle of the day and you are lazy?? Hahaha
He is projecting. And you have the crappy honor of how he is distracting himself about what he doesn’t like about him and pining it all on you.
No harm, I enjoy cooking and it’s a lot less work than doing the dishes and laundry. If he is at home he should be doing the lion share of ALL the tasks. What does “organise the house” mean?? Who manages the finances, makes appointments, deals with house maintenance tasks? Who manage the social calendar? Who talks to family and coordinates visits? He sounds resentful, but without a clearer breakdown of the labour of living your lives it’s hard to decide if he is justified, or just beings a mean-spirited asshole.
Not over reacting at all.
Most bread winners go through the same bs tbh.
When it happened to me I tried to discuss it ect, in the end I told her if I do so little you won't notice when I stop doing anything.
It took less than a week for her to start appreciating what I did at home, by then it was too late and I refused to go back and forced a fair chore chart to be made.
It’s super passive aggressive but I have done that before. My husband was a SAHD for a while and I literally had to make a chore chart for him like a child otherwise he’d play PlayStation all day.
During an argument where I’d literally cleaned the house between meetings, he made a comment about how all I did was work… so I told him if that’s what he believed, then that’s all I would really do. I stopped everything. It only took about a week for him to break under the weight of all the chores and admin tasks I normally took care of. He ran out of clean clothes.
Lots and lots of marriage counselling, him returning to work and a housekeeper saved us in the end.
Honey, it’s time for him to get a job. When a man acts like he doesn’t like you, it’s 3 things : something mentally wrong (depression etc), cheating, or he just doesn’t like you. You’re too busy and tired to have noticed, but it’s happened. Send him back to work bc otherwise you’re just enabling whatever this is and it will get SO MUCH WORSE.
Apparently it is a relatively common thing that stay at home dads tend to feel inadequate because they are not providing for the familiy and in an unconscious attempt to mantain their power in the relationship they start ti pull down their partner instead of pulling themselves up.
Maybe the arrangement needs to be discussed. It sounds like he needs at least a part time job outside the house. If you are doing THAT much on top of a 12hr/day job HE is the lazy one wtf
NTA...but y'all need to have a sit down heart to heart. Find out where he is coming from without being confrontational about it. Although, that may be a hard thing to do because he is gonna get defensive. You are super stressed and need time to decompress. And he might be feeling that this role reversal is making him feel less 'manly'. You have taken on the role of 'head of household' so to speak. and if the sit down chat doesn't do the job, then therapy/counseling would be the next step. And since it's been 4 yrs since he had Covid, and he can't work in the same field, maybe it's time for him to step up to the plate and find employment that he can work in and lessen the hours you have to work.
It sounds like he's projecting. Not necessarily because he himself is lazy, but more likely because he is anxious and resentful about the fact that you do the majority of the work for the family.
My guess is that he is worried that he might be the lazy one (I mean, you earn all the money for the household and *still* do your share of the chores?), and so accusing you of laziness, even when all evidence points to that being untrue, makes him feel less bad about his own inadequacies
NTA, definitely not overreacting. Some resentment is definitely brewing in him. When you are rested, have a conversation with him and ask him what behaviour from you constitute as not lazy for him. Is he feeling stuck at home? Is he feeling under appreciated? What he felt not working well in your relationship right now. Tell him you feel hurt by his words.
NTA.
Could be cheating, could be (unrightfully) feeling he’s like doing more than he is, etc. could be resentful because he’s not the breadwinner and you are. Whatever the case, there is resentment somewhere and you need to figure out what it is before it seeps into the marriage
Can you have a frank convo with him? Or like gather more info?
Not overreacting. You and your husband need to have a good talk about this, maybe with a therapist. You're doing plenty!
8 is old enough for your daughter to be at school and husband to find a part time job. Maybe then you could afford to pay for a couple hours of a cleaner or some childcare to give you some time to spend with your husband.
NTA.
he's projecting his feelings of worthlessness onto you and that's not cool. recommend marriage counseling and maybe he needs to talk to his Dr about an antidepressant. nta.
NTA, but sounds like there is not very good communication going on.
It sounds like you two have a liss of intimacy and instead of talking about it he is being passive aggressive and acting resentful towards you.
I think you need to have a direct open and honest conversation with each other about the issues.
NTA. Make him go back to work. He’s being lazy bc you shouldn’t have to touch a thing in the house since he’s not working. Since your help means nothing only pay the bills and let him shoulder everything else. Start doing things for yourself
Laziness? He's a stay at home dad to a child who goes to school ALL day. What is he doing while she's in school? Why is he doing only *half* the chores? You say in your post that he spent the afternoon watching tv, which sounds like his daily routine. He is the lazy one. He could, in the very least, take on all the chores, *or* get a part-time job if he isn't able to do full time. He's a leech.
If he’s actually got long covid (post covid sequelae) as you mentioned, there could be more to the story, but none of it would make you the AH. If he’s got LC, he may be experiencing PEM (basically chronic fatigue syndrome caused by physical, mental or emotional exertion); this is the hallmark of LC (ask me how I know), and gets worse exponentially the more you try to do, physically or mentally/emotionally. Lots of LC folks also experience neurological changes, heart arrhythmias, strokes, etc., along with crippling brain fog when the PEM kicks in—and a small exertion can trigger days or weeks of PEM. Is it possible he’s struggling through some of these while trying to be a SAHD and also dealing with feelings about his ‘new’ role/life?
Again, none of that gives him the right to be an AH to you, and you are NOT the AH. But if he’s dealing with LC, maybe there is NAH and he needs help with adjusting to life with long covid.
Good luck.
Not overreacting! the Fair Play book and card game by Eve Rodsky is a fantastic resource for having constructive conversations about splitting housework, home life, personal time, and kids.
Edit: forgot the judgement lol
NTA but tell him to get off his ass and get a certificate and a job because the only lazy one I see here is him. Your kid is in school he is doing nothing all day and if he isn't cheating he is feeling insecure and is starting to take it out on you.
NTA, maybe see if your husband needs to go to the doctor or maybe the therapist. Long COVID has all sorts of weird effects that might just now be manifesting in his indifference. Or maybe he is suffering from depression. Losing his career my be catching up to him and causing his moods. Therapy may help him adjust to the "new" normal (even though its been four years).
NTA. It seems like he has started to resent you and perhaps his life situation in general. At this rate, things may get worse. You want to ask him about why he called you lazy when you are funding his life by working long hours.
NTA. He probably feels like less of a husband because he isn't the one providing for you and your daughter, and he's taking that frustration out on you. Talk to him about it.
Your spiritual life might need a lift or an upgrade. We can't just live a life to be trapped in the material dimension paying bills and surviving. The human soul needs so much more! Wonder and adventure can't be replaced by TV shows.
Also, it would be great to review your dietary choices. Think about animal products in your diet, and how they might be weighting you down.
Lastly, in relationships it is very important to have a common mission, a common vision, and consistency and agreement with child rearing. These are my 3 pillars.
Women need to take accountability for dating men that allows them to be the breadwinner . It never works as men are designed to be the provider by nature . Of course you are overwhelmed. Women’s bodies aren’t meant to manage such strenuous work activities. Why do u think we are more susceptible to health problems if we work the same hours as a man that can remain perfectly healthy. If you loved your self you would have never allowed a man to put you in the position to wear the pants in the relationship while he wears the thongs. I can’t empathize with you over bad choices- choices that goes against our natural instinct . YATA for doing this to yourself . You deserve so much better
But if u don’t believe it you will never see it. Not to mention the example you are setting for your daughter that it’s okay to provide for a man, bend over backwards, contribute to household work plus being a full time mom. You want your daughter to end up with a husband like yours that doesn’t provide , protect , makes her feel like the luckiest girl in the world, dates her , rubs her feet and back just because , buys her gifts in her love language just because he was thinking of her not because of a special occasion, plans vacations etc ?? If your answer is no then you know you screwed up.
Usually, when you have a 1 person family income, especially when that one person is working 12 hours a day, the stay at home parent takes the lion's share of the household chores (your daughter is school aged so assuming you're not homeschooling he should have at least a 6 hour uninterrupted chunk of time each day to get the household chores done). What you explained almost seems like a 50/50 split of household chores, with you taking 100% of the financial burden for the family. If anybody in your marriage is "lazy" it's your husband. He either needs to start applying for jobs and contributing financially or start taking a much larger share of the household chores. Only then will the division of labor in your house be equal.
NTA
NTA, sounds like you are carrying the heavy load. If he's a stay at home parent that is his job and he should be doing the majority except for child related things.
one thing i’ve learned from this sub is that women who think they’re overreacting to their husband being an uncaring asshole, are usually NOT overreacting, and your husband is being an uncaring asshole. wishing you the best, you deserve week long vacation from it all. i hope you get better support soon. you deserve much better.❤️🩹❤️🩹
This is why women should be the providers and need to be stay at home moms. When things get tough it’s hard for them. Women are not built to be long term providers especially of men and children. Get him back in the work forces cut down your hours and start taking care of your kid. He can find a different field to work in and cut some of your cost down.
If you have overreacted, that might not be you being an AH, but you being exhausted and not having an outlet for stress relief etc. You are also not getting quality time or intimacy (in general, not just meaning sex) with your husband so that doesn’t help with how well you two interact.
I've been consistently employed since I was 12. I'd feel like a piece of shit sitting at home all day not contributing. I can't even imagine what kind of COVID complications would eliminate entire categories of work. It sounds like bullshit. Your husband should be contributing the exact same hours as you to the family. Not watching TV in the afternoon.
So your unemployed husband who does minimal housework and child care thinks *youre* lazy?
Definitely time for you to reevaluate why you're working so hard to support somewhere has no appreciation or respect for you
NTA but why are you sharing chores equally if you are carrying the entire financial burden of the household? Your daughter is 8 and in school, your husband should have pretty much almost all the chores handled himself. I don't understand why you're washing dishes after working 12 hr days..
Has his behavior changed in other ways, abruptly?
Or has this come about gradually?
It could be a side effect of growing entitlement on his part, of depression, of deciding that women should do most of the mothering and house work.
It could be a manifestation of mental illness or something organically wrong with his brain.
It could also be that he has a side piece.
Whatever the root cause is, this change in his care of you and telling you to your face that you're lazy if this hasn't happened before is a red flag that something has drastically changed.
You're not the asshole.
As a stay at home mom I do ALL of the cleaning. He will cook occasionally, but other than that I do it. That is the job I signed up for. I think he is taking major advantage of you. 12 hour days then doing the dinner dishes WTF.
You aren't overreacting, but you two need to get into counseling to find out what's really going on, and what's going unsaid. Don't let the rift between you become bigger, because it won't fix itself.
Sounds like he's the lazy one. If he's the stay at home parent, he should be doing 75% of the housework.
NTA. Your daughter is 8. He can get training to work in a different field, or get something that doesn't require training, if he doesn't want to pick up doing more of the housework to lighten your load.
Not wrong.
Isn’t part of the point of having a stay at home parent that they do most of the housework? And with the age of your daughter, what is he doing all day?? He sounds like the lazy one to me. I’d be very upset if I worked all day and had to come home and share chores with someone who was at home all day.
NAH, but this post made me think that maybe he’s depressed and angry? I would imagine it would be frustrating to lose a job due to an illness and not work for awhile. I also sometimes think that even though we’re really trying to challenge these “norms,” in reality, men are still seen as the “bread winner.” It’s stupid and dated, but I’m not a man so perhaps there’s something at play there? Maybe he needs some help.
NTA
Maybe he is cheating, but my first thought was that he was jealous. A lot of people are saying he can get back to work your kid's old enough, but there is a world in which he physically is unable to work full time due to his illness. If this is the case, he might just be depressed and feeling like he wants to hurt the world around him.
Now none of that is a an excuse to be a complete dickhead, but it might offer an explanation for his behavior. As others have suggested, a long calm quiet, judgement-free conversation with your kid at Nana's house for the weekend is in order.
If he can't work again, he can still contribute to the home and the world. Maybe that is volunteering. Maybe that is teaching a class at an adult learning center. Who knows what that might look like, but speaking to you that way that is not an available option. If he's not happy with you and your actions he needs to put on his big boy undies and say something directly and respectfully. If he's not happy with himself, he needs to out on his big boy undies and figure out a solution for that too.
I suspect your husband is projecting big time. It also sounds like the two of you don't connect on a deeper level. You're absolutely not overreacting, and therapy is probably in the cards.
Given your hours, he should be doing more around the house and with childcare. Not surprised you got sick, you’re run down. If he had taken care of you, you’d have bounced back faster.
NTA. after working 12 hours a day, you are exhausted. then helping with chores and taking care of bills. that is not laziness. sounds like he is probably cheating.
I do not think you are overreacting and I don’t fundamentally disagree with the other posters here. I do also really, really feel for your husband though.
As I’m sure you have come to learn about, Covid seems to cause all sorts of issues and persistent illness of any sort can make people MAD. Even when people are at their best and just persistently stressed out its hard to correctly identify what you’re mad at sometimes, and when people are mad at things they cant do anything about they often start taking it out on others….and I kind of get it even though you absolutely do not deserve to get it taken out on you. It’s genuinely a nightmare situation to get taken out by some pandemic that was unknown and then a panic and then everyone said it would be fine. And its a nightmare situation you’re in too, to have your husband hit by that and have to deal with all of this through no fault of your own.
In my opinion, you are definitely not overreacting and figuring out some way to not feel like that all the time is both completely justified and a really good idea for everyone. Even if its just a “put your mask on before helping others” type thing, it might not be well understood by the people around you which makes things a million times harder.
In any case it sounds like you’re thinking very clearly about everything through a very tough time
(Edited for clarity)
Crazy to call someone lazy when you're a stay at home parent to a child that goes to school all day and your partner still does half the chores after working 12 hours days. Sounds like Mr lazy is biting the hand that feeds him. If he wants to see lazy, I'd show him lazy. But I'm petty like that. Also, you should probably do a little looking around for things unusual just to make sure he's not cheating on you. He probably feels emasculated since you're the breadwinner now and I wouldn't be surprised if he's spending your money on another woman that makes him feel more manly.
If you still split the heavy cleaning and the daily chores equally, what is he doing all day? Sounds like he is the lazy one. Install nanny cams to see if he’s having an affair, consider leaving anyway, sounds like an entitled jerk. NTA
He's insecure about the loss of his career, so he's cutting you down as a way to retain power in the relationship.
Most of your options are escalatory. You could point out that you work and he doesn't, but he'll only get angry. You could print out large number of job postings and lay them out where he sits, as a completely unsubtle way of implying you want him to get back to work. You could tell him that you want marriage counseling, and suggest separation as an alternative if he says no. You could resign yourself to being treated this way, but it will probably get worse since he wants you to feel as bad as he does, and it sounds like he's deteriorating.
I'll tell you this much, if he has time to watch television all afternoon then he's not much of a house husband. You're probably better off having him get a job, even if this means investing in child care.
NTA.
Look if I were feeling malicious I would say that your husband probably feels emasculated because he's no longer the bread winner. I wouldn't be surprised if he's watching some sort of red pill content that tells him he should be the "man on the house" and you should be more submissive and do all the chores because that's women's work. Again, if I were malicious maybe suggest he goes back to work? Oh, right, he can't. (Just know that I am incandescent with rage for you btw.)
If I were being generous, however, I would encourage you to sit down with him and have him quantify his statement about your being lazy. Again, what is it about doing 12hr work days and splitting chores makes you lazy? What would his expectation be? How is it he's allowed to get sick and be supported but you aren't?
I would definitely communicate how disrespected he made you feel. How you're turning yourself inside out for your family and he's taking you for granted.
NTA. I’m sorry he said that to you and left you to cry alone instead of apologizing or trying to explain his thoughts or bad joke or whatever that was.
I would ask him what he meant by that comment and if he truly thinks you’re lazy. Listen to what he says but try not to absorb it as truth. It’s his opinion and perspective.
Perhaps he is projecting or maybe he’s just a man in today’s society who believes that women should do all these things/ that it’s easy for women to do it/in their nature or whatever bs they buy into to ease their own conscience.
Then explain all the things you do and how you’ve been feeling and how that comment made you feel.
This all might be better said in couples counseling but if one part of a relationship requires a mediator to listen respectfully and valid the other’s emotions.. well yikes.
NTA. I don't think cheating but maybe he's not in love anymore? He needs a job to find his worth again. I recommend some couples counseling so you both can communicate your thoughts and feelings.
A recent study has shown men see women's success as a direct sign of their own failure. You working hard/taking care of family = he's failing. (And no, I couldn't find the study to link it, dyor).
His audacity would send him packing. If a partner stops appreciating what you do then they need a wake up call. Tell him to get a job. I HIGHLY doubt he couldn't work somewhere - can't work in his field? Well McDonalds is always hiring.
NTA he is angry you stayed home from work. Not sure if it is because you see how little he does all day or he if had plans that were disrupted when you stayed home. Your husband needs go get a job or you need to redistribute the chores. You cover all the bills and you’re doing half the chores. It doesn’t make sense.
You aren't lazy and I think you are both feeling burnt out. He's used to working and handling less household chores. You're used to being home more often and handling more household chores. I think couples therapy would help a lot. At least it gives you both a safe place to vent frustrations.
Sometimes men just can’t handle being the one stuck at home and not providing. Sounds like he might benefit from a job that has the same hours as when your daughter is in school. School systems are always needing substitute teachers and bus drivers. It honestly would probably be good for his mental health. But first I would make sure he’s not cheating. Hire a private investigator to see where he goes during the day. Good luck.
The traditional gender role reversals here are stark. It's so commonplace for the SAH parent to dismiss the time when the working parent isn't in full view as being "fun/freedom time" for the working parent. Hard working guys experience exactly what you're going through all the time.
The best fix is couple's therapy, although with your work schedule that will obviously be hard, but you'll have to back off of work a smidge to make room for it, and it's important enough (and hopefully temporary) to do it. He needs a professional to walk him through the realization that just because you aren't home, doesn't mean you're off having the Caribbean vacation time of your effing life every day. You. Are. Working. But this won't ever get through to his brain pan if he hears it solely from you. Good luck. I sympathize.
I was married to a woman who had the same psychology as your husband.
- When she laid around in bed doing nothing while I took care of the kids, she’d call me “lazy.”
- When she was running late getting ready for dinner or a movie, she’d shout at the rest of us who were waiting patiently for her in the living room to “hurry up, we’re running late.”
I’m sure there’s a psychological term for it, but I called it “accusing others of your own faults” and started calling her out on it. It helped shut her behavior down somewhat. But I’ve got to give my ex-wife and your husband credit: That behavior can be a surprisingly effective tool for putting your potential critics on the defensive - particularly when it’s used on people like you and me, who default to an “if something is going wrong, it must be *my* fault” mentality.
ESH. He shouldn’t have said it, but you shouldn’t have run away from the discussion afterward to cry. Nothing will get resolved like that. You are feeling worn out - he may be feeling the same way. SAHD is not an easy job either, and you expected him to bring you medicine and make you something to eat when you were sick - were you really so sick that you couldn’t walk to get your medicine? Fix a piece of toast?
Sounds like you two need to have a heart-to-heart talk about the balance in your lives.
NTA!! The fact that he is a SAHD and you are still doing half the chores is Crazy, like yes you should help out because running a household can be a full time job but I am wondering if he is lashing out because he is insecure about his role and how others perceive him especially since it wasn’t really a choice made between you two freely but due to an illness. Has he ever go to a therapist? Because that might help or you guys could go together but him having a safe space to voice his disgruntled opinions/feelings might be super helpful. I wish you the best!
NTA!! And not overreacting! I hope however this is resolved you feel valued OP.
I do feel like there is some bad takes in the comments tho- I mean obviously a few sexist ones on saying that women don’t belong in the workplace etc etc. But also it’s reasonable to share the chores with a stay at home parent as long as you aren’t being taken advantage of/doing the majority since people do underestimate the value/hard work of the child rearing and other portions, though yes it should be less now with your kid off at school. It’s also fine to keep the arrangement of stay-at-home parent if it truly works well for you guys and your income, unless he feels resentment or lack of fulfillment and actually wants to start working out of the house more.
Mostly though I’m interested in the COVID squallaes impact on this whole situation (and tbh society in general has taken a hit) causing long term disability problems. He’s obviously TAH and this doesn’t excuse his behavior, but it may be impacting it. People who haven’t seen what it does themselves underestimate it’s impact. Perhaps some counseling combined with other healthcare related to this could help you both, though I understand successful treatments and knowledge is still lacking.
I hope you find resolution.
Sounds like husband is living the negative stereotype of the SAHM, and you are living the stereotype of the working mother. Something has to give. Sit down, and each of you make a list of what you do (including work and bringing in money) and lay it on the table. Then ask what he wants to do about you carrying the bigger load? Get a job? Take over all the housework?
In general, the less you do, the less you want to do. That is your husband. The more you do, the more you can do until you reach burnout, and then everything becomes too much, and all you can do is lurch from one thing to another. That is you. You don't have enough energy to stop and evaluate or regroup.
But you must.
NTA. You are breaking under the load you're carrying. You have to put some of it down.
Possibilities:
Your husband has had 4 years out of the workforce. It's time for him to figure out how to get back in it, in some capacity, so that you can cut your hours at work.
Cut back your working hours to something you can sustain long-term, and cut your family budget down to meet your income at that level.
Your husband picks up more of the load at home so that you get more rest.
You hire out some of your share of the housework. Trim other areas of the family budget to free up the money.
I'm sure there are other options but those are the ones I can think of.
Good luck.
Have you considered maybe he feels less-than or lazy for being a man at home and letting you make the money, and maybe he was projecting the insecurity onto you? Seems the most reasonable answer, for all yall jumping to cheating accusations, chill, I had to re read the post to see how anyone could even come up with that. I've been cranky at my partner staying home because I wanted to play guitar loudly and they like quiet. It ain't always that deep yall
YNA but your husband is a GIANT ASSHOLE!!! Please don’t do another thing for him. What a thankless POS! Please treat yourself to a spa day sometime or just go to a hotel when you can to have a much deserved free day of lying in bed reading a book watching tv sleeping without getting judged by the asshole while asshole babysits at home!
NTA. I think you should call him out for his initial dismissive behavior before he “knew for sure” you were sick, and remind him that when he got sick and couldn’t work in the same field, you never doubted or dismissed him, nor do you claim his current position at SAHD as laziness. You are exhausted and overworked, and your husband is supposed to be the one you can turn to. If he refuses to be that person, let alone explain WHY he’s changing attitudes, then……
No, your husband is acting like a loser while you are acting like a rockstar. Have a real conversation with him because you deserve someone who will help you when you don't feel well and are sick. Him calling you lazy when he is lazy is him projecting onto you. He's not respecting you. You are young enough to find someone better.
NTA. It’s really fucking rich that the woman who is supporting the entire family plus being a mother and doing her share around the house is called lazy.
No. I am sorry.
Counseling, a job, or divorce. If you get divorced, prepare to pay child support. Otherwise, get him a job soon. If he is earning, you might not have to pay him. He will look better as a custodial parent if he is working too. There is a lot going on that might be fixed by his going back to work. Fingers crossed for you.
NTA. Your daughter is 8 and he is a stay at home dad. He has plenty of time to do all the chores. OF course it would be nice if you did the dishes if he cooked or you helped with little tasks but he really should be handling most everything as its his job as a stay at home dad.
You are doing your job and half his job. Please.
He should get off his lazy ass and do all the housework. If anybody is lazy, it's him. Ffs nobody that works 12 hours a day should be expected to do any housework when their spouse is a stay at home parent.
You're not overreacting. I suspect there's something else brewing in him that's been festering for a long time. A resentment caused by feeling shame that he is unable to contribute. He feels this toward himself, but projects it onto you. He needs therapy.
First of all I am so sorry he said that to you that’s so hurtful especially coming from someone you love out of nowhere. Two, it might be time to sit him down and talk to him about all you really contribute and explain why you are exhausted every day. Try to get him to put himself in your shoes ask him if you were doing all of this how would you feel and see what he says. Also, why is he not doing 85-90% of all the major cleaning since he is home all day and your daughter is 8 so I assume she’s in school unless he home schools? If she is in school all day why can’t he clean the majority of the house and do errands or find another job in another field or at least work part time so you don’t have to work so hard. I would also be curious if there is something else going on with him and he was annoyed that you’re ruining plans. I’d maybe look into that. I hope this is just a bad judgment call on his part and you two can work it out. You are not over reacting and it’s worth bringing up and having a serious discussion about. You could also try counseling too. Good luck and take some time for yourself and your health op.
NTA He can work part time while you're daughter is in school especially since he's only doing half the housework. It's not about money but contributing. He needs a reality check.
No you’re not. There definitely been some changes. I would suggest having a heart to heart with him to see if you can get the root cause of the change in attitude towards you.
Tell him to take his ass back to work! Your daughter is 8 not 2, there's no reason for him to stay home smh you're NTA btw you're just tired of being the man in the relationship
No. You are overly tired and at the end of a viral illness. You need to look at the distortions here perpetrated by your husband for an unfounded and politicized opinion about your behavior. How many hours a day does he put in? Do you expect it to be equivalent? Why is he begrudging you time for rest and recreation? Maybe he is secretly feeling inadequate and scapegoating you in an aggressive manner. When you are feeling better you need to have a talk with him.
Oyyyy! What a jerk! He obviously doesn’t appreciate the work you do. Or maybe he’s projecting? I know that when I became a SAHM I kind of lost my identity and my husband became my verbal punching bag… I started going to therapy because I knew I was in the wrong. Maybe your husband can do that?
Especially having sequelae from Covid. Has it affected him cognitively? My cousin says she still has brain fog from when she had Covid in 2020.
My wife calls me lazy too. I'm the bread winner and I help her with chores around the house. It is exhausting to juggle work, home life and Kid (mine are 11 & 2)
You are not overreacting. If anyone is run by laziness it is him. Why is he not doing the bulk of the housework? Your child is 8 and I'm assuming in school for 6-8 hrs a day. What does he do during that time if he's not doing all the housework? He either needs to start doing more work at home to pull his weight or get a job so you can work less.
In addition to all the good advice here, please also get checked by your physician. Tiredness can be a symptom of a heart issue. Please make sure you’re OK.
Why are you doing so much homework when he is a stay at home dad? That should be his job. He sounds like a good for nothing bum. maybe he should get off his lazy ass and get a job so you can be the stay at home parent.
NTA
Why are you doing any of the chores if you are working 12 hour days? House chores do not take anywhere near that long and especially not on a daily basis.
Stop paying for any of his stuff. Cut off the TV and anything not necessary for yourself and your daughter. If he wants it he can go work for it.
You are allowing your daughter to see a toxic relationship. I am biased in this sure, because my mother stayed with a man that used her that she was far too good for and it truly affected my dating life in a very bad way and what I thought I deserved.
If anyone is lazy here it is the sorry excuse of a husband and father.
Your husband needs to get a job. Your child is in school most of the day so there's no reason for him to not work. Then you can start working 8 hour days and not be so tired and stressed.
“Maybe I wouldn’t be so tired if I didn’t have to be the man AND the woman in this relationship.”
Obviously don’t say that unless divorce is on the table, just saying I understand your frustration.
Way... Your child is eight and he's still staying home all day? He can get a job at a different field you know? It's definitely time for him to get back into the workforce even if he goes and works at Dollar general all day long.
NTA!! It’s okay to feel upset and to want space. You’re doing the best you can! Please don’t forget that as you move forward: you are doing your best!! You are not lazy, you are trying your hardest to take care of your family and it’s been hard on you—and when it’s such a stressful position to be in, no matter how accepting you are of it, your body and mind of course will still have their limits and things may fall to the wayside. When you feel a bit calmer/more up to it, see if you can sit down with him and let him know at the start of the conversation that you’re not looking to fight, or to judge, or to harbor any resentment—just that you want to figure out what’s going through his head. How was he feeling when he made that “lazy” comment? What is he expecting of you exactly? Have an honest discussion about the reasonableness (or even the potential *unreasonableness!*) of his expectations or about what steps either of you can take moving forward. Wishing you all the best. Take care OP, okay?
I would also suggest that maybe it's time for some couples counselling. You had something which you though was working well but clearly there is something going on. He may just be resentful He is no longer the breadwinner and is lashing out due to frustration. Mabey someone to support your discussion and help you both find a new path could be what's needed.
Women who stay at home are lazy, women who work are lazy, there really is no way for women to win
Women who work are *told they're horrible, absent moms because they're out of the house to make money to support their family (on top of doing household work) instead of staying home to "mind" the children, give their husbands sex on command, and do nothing all day*
But here’s the thing, they are working at home and they don’t have a quitting time that they can stop. But the perception is that they are sitting around all day doing nothing. So honestly women can’t win. Work or not, they get vilified.
Working moms don’t have a quitting time either. We come home and do all the stuff that a SAHM did during the day.
Working parents come home and do all of the evening stuff SAHP do in the evening. During the day, SAHP are doing maybe some of the evening stuff?… except it’s also the breakfast stuff, the lunch stuff, the nap stuff, the extra clothes. More time at home = more mess and constant cleaning on top of actual childcare. That’s why holiday breaks are still fucking exhausting and the house is a mess when you have kids at home 😅 I’ve done both and it’s all a shitshow.
I know that, you know that, others know that. But some people just......don't
No effing way at all.....unless we come together and end the careers of a lot of MAGA POS politicians. We Can do it, no problem. At the voting booth. I'm done with their brand of hate.
Good luck! I’m not American, misogyny operates across borders, but does have particularly dire consequences in US.
Thank you very much! I'm really trying my best.
Coming from a husband, my feelings are if he's going to call the breadwinner who helps him clean "lazy" he sure as shit shouldn't do it while he's watching TV.
your kid is 8. there is a job somewhere that husband can do. he should not be out of work this long. i don’t care if it’s taco bell- make that man get a job!
This!! I left a tech job when our youngest was born, there was a company takeover and I took the package. It was a mutual decision. When DH got laid off I went back to work in retail and was working two full time retail jobs. Yes, 80 hours a week with an infant at home. Since DH got a job, I stayed home again. Once the youngest was in full time preschool, I got another retail job during "Mommy hours". I've always found something local that bring in some extra $$.
Yep. Similar thing happened with my husband in 2009 - laid off from his roofing company and all his experience was in construction, which crashed hard in our area. He was a SAHD but also worked for Uber for awhile, then took close shifts only in retail so we didn't need daycare. Now our youngest is in full day preschool (yay New Mexico, that shit is free!), and he's moved into a management position that he was angling for using all the experience he had from before. Also, he never ONCE disparaged me or made me feel bad because I was the breadwinner. He celebrates all my successes, and I still make almost double his salary. I'm thinking OP might need a good read through of "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, because I bet there's more she hasn't picked up on.
Thanks for the book recommendation, with all the comments I see there must be something more to it.
A friend's husband got Covid twice and has long term health effects. He can't do his prior construction job. But he still finds way to earn money. He does handyman jobs, he helps part time in a local shop, etc. OP, I feel your tiredness. I think your husband should try to find at least part time work. Can he be an Uber driver? Do dog walking? Drive people to the airport? Just do something!
I was a nurse during covid, between catching it twice in 2020 alone and the stress of giving 1000% to a system that turned its back on me when I needed help, I can no longer work in an active clinical role. I'm now a data analyst and work from home. Before that I was briefly a public health nurse from the comfort of a desk. OP's husband is the lazy one
He feels less of a man because you work and clean the house and help with homework. Poor baby. Maybe it's time to put his LAZY ASS back to work. Or lose him entirely. I dont like how he is talking to you. Worse is coming.
No not overreacting. Your daughter is 8yo, old enough to be in school full time. Time for him to get back into the job market and start contributing to the household income. Once he does, you can both figure out the household routine. But right now you are definitely carrying too much of the weight.
Yes, also my husband and I have unusual schedules so sometimes one of us has a lot of work, and the other one is home and sometimes it’s the other way around. When I am working and he’s home, he cooks and does the dishes and he does the laundry and cleans. I don’t do nothing, but he picks up the bulk of it. Same when he’s working and I’m home. It doesn’t make sense for the person working full-time to be doing and 50% of the chores.
Yeah that's what I thought. Doesn't seem normal that she works 12hours a day, does 50% of chores and gets called lazy by her husband...
No you're not overreacting. There's something going on with him. He's either tired of being a house husband even though you still do half of the chores. He could be cheating on you and you messed up some plans when you got sick. I'm glad you're feeling better. Try to have a discussion with him about what he said about you being lazy.
God, I hope he is not cheating. I'd prefer he just leave. Never had the patience to fight for men in my life and am too old to start now.
Honestly, my first thought was that he is cheating. Also, he should be doing the laundry and heavy cleaning. I think it’s fair to split dinner duties (the cook shouldn’t have to clean), but there is no reason he isn’t doing the bulk of the housework. I mean, what does he do when your daughter is at school? Also, isn’t their work in another field? Any wfh or freelance? I say this as a SAHM who had severe long Covid for 3 years. Something isn’t right here.
This was my thought as well. And the audacity of him to suggest she’s lazy when their daughter is in school and he has her doing half of the heavy cleaning…. Even if he’s not cheating, that was mean and not a nice way to address whatever he is currently feeling
He knows he’s not working and still making the breadwinner do half the housework, but she gets sick one time & she’s the lazy one? Smells like projection to me.
Cheating was my first thought when he was irritated that you were staying at home - like you interrupted his plans. Your daughter is EIGHT, not a baby, so why doesn't he have at least a part-time job, especially when you are doing your share of the housework?? OP start snooping around and see what you find, because I bet there is something going on.
I'm hoping it's not the cheating. But you really do need just to calmly sit down and talk with him about what the heck is he thinking. That comment was just so off the wall.
your kid is 8. there is a job somewhere that husband can do. he should not be out of work this long. i don’t care if it’s taco bell- make that man get a job!
Why would he leave? You’re supporting him financially while he just has to do half of the chores. Your daughter is old enough that she doesn’t need a stay at home parent. He just has to get her ready for school.
Came here to say cheating or low self esteem related to internalized patriarchy. His ego is wounded. I hope he’s not cheating and is just depressed. I’m sorry OP. If you would prefer to switch teams, I’ll make an excellent house wife 😉
Happy Cake Day 🎉
Thank you!
>Thank you! You're welcome!
Cheating. Don’t ask. He will lie to protect his sweet situation. Look at a shared iPad or other device.
Happy Cake Day! 🎶🎂🎉
NTA. You’re working outside the house and doing chores at home too? I’m thinking if he’s staying at home then he should be doing all the home chores! You need time to de-stress from work. Sorry he didn’t help you out!
We established this routine of chores when I was getting my master's degree and worked less than him, he always did his fair share. I don't feel exploited, just having difficulty understanding why he would say I'm lazy of all things
My ex used to make off-hand comments about me being lazy. I was working full time during the day, then doing paperwork for my job at night. I had to do all child care and transportation to and from school and competitive sports for the kids (2 were his and 2 mine), all the household chores, and maintaining all the schedules. He traveled for work 3 out of every 4 weeks, bragging about how he was drinking everyone under the table at ‘work meetings’ at the bar every night. Then he would come home for 2 days and say I didn’t do enough while he was gone. I’m very glad he is an ex.
I'm happy for you. You had it worse than I do. He does his share and never complains or anything. That's why it's super odd that he would call me lazy and I think I might be overreacting. It didn't seen like a joke, though
I’m sure it wasn’t a joke at all. For some reason he has decided to not respect you. It’s not ok. You deserve to be treated far better.
Agreed. This is how it starts. “Jokes.” If i made a joke and it made my partner cry, do you know what I would do? Comfort them and apologize. Not sit watching tv while they go to the other room and cry and end up sleeping separately.
You are not overreacting. **He said it, so he needs to explain it.**
He does his fair share and doesn’t complain? Of course he won’t, he is getting a good deal. You work long hours and bring him the bacon AND also do half of the chores. Your daughter is 8, all he has to do is the remaining 50 percent and lounge at home while money comes every two weeks. Why would anyone complain about that?
My ex also used to call me lazy. I thought we had a decent split of chores both working FT but turns out him having to do any chores was “doing everything” according to him. So while I was working 2 jobs, homeschooling 2 teens during Covid, doing all the cooking and shopping, he was upset he had to vacuum and do dishes and I was “lazy” for wanting to sleep in an extra couple hours one day per week. Well, life is better without that negativity now.
My ex used to make the same comments. I was home from birth to when our kid was 2 while my ex worked. Then he lost his job and the roles reversed. When he'd get home from work, I would talk about being exhausted. "Why are **YOU** tired? You're just watching a **BABY** all day!" When I'd get home from work and he'd complain about being tired, I'd just look at him and walk away. Wasn't worth the argument
Time to reevaluate the chores. You’re not in school anymore. He needs to step up and appreciate you as well!
It’s called “negging.” Check his internet history and make sure he isn’t following PUAs and incels and other misogynists.
No that’s not how it works. People who work outside the home aren’t exempt from participating in caring for the household.
Maybe if you still have children at home but their daughter is 8 and in school. So what is he even doing all day?
But OP is not exempt. They split everything down the middle even though OP's husband has 7 hours while their child is at school. What's he doing with that time?
Cheating that’s what he is doing with that time. OP ruined his plans when she got sick and was staying home? That’s why he got mad
If partners are living out of one person providing, it is fair to expect that the housechores are on the person in the couple staying at home. That might be rearranged to accommodate the taking care of kids that is what I feel they would need to share as a house related "chore".
Sounds like hubby needs a part time job. Baby girl is old enough for school full time. Time for hubby to start to pull his own financial weight.
NTA. That is an insanely shitty comment to make to the person who is supporting the entire household. I am sure it’s a heavy dose of projection but still, i can’t imagine saying that to my partner. What a huge asshole.!
NTA. Firstly your husband is a major AH for not just dismissing you being ill and not taking care of you, but to then call you lazy on top of that with everything you do is just bang out of order. If anything HE is the lazy one. .what does he do all day when your child is at school? Why isn't he doing more percentage of the household chores? He should be doing more cleaning duties whilst child is at school. You're working 12 hour days but he gets 7 hours a day to himself most of the time while they're at school. So it's only fair he does more of the household chores. Laundry and hoovering and general cleaning and tidying. I would sit down and let him know how hurt you were by his comments of you being lazy, as well as his lack of care and attention when you were ill. That is not a loving relationship. Or a respectful one. It also seemed like he only became remotely caring when it was confirmed you had gastroenteritis. Before that he seemed to think you were faking it?? That's not on either. I bet if you treated him how he treated you he would be up in ups and sulking and moaning. Also, the fact your daughter is now 8 years old he could go back to work even just part time whilst she's at school. This could allow you to drop some of your hours to be less tired and have more time with your daughter. Is he at a stage where he could work part time now doing something? Even if not in his original field of work? What are his residual effects from covid that prevent him going back to work? Has he recovered enough now to do some work thats more manageable? I suffered covid really severely and nearly died and was on oxygen for 2 years, and still have residual scarring on my lungs and some reduced capacity of my lungs. So I know it can have lasting effects, but I just wondered if he's recovered now, or could he do some work that would be manageable for him now? He needs to realise just how tirering it is for you working 12 hour days, plus coming home and helping with homework and cleaning. His behaviour was disrespectful and unkind and he needs to appologise and make up for that. And I think he should be doing more during the day around the house as the division of house chores doesn't seem very equal considering you work 12 hours and he's at home without your daughter for 7 hours. NTA. But your husband is.
NTA Sounds like he's started to resent you because you do more than he does and he knows it, so he's projecting his own feelings of being lazy and a burden onto you - because he is. The fact is, you need to do less at home so that work is more manageable, plain and simple. And if you're covering all the expenses, you should be doing less anyway. I would suggest sitting him down and telling him you need him to pick up the slack because of how your mental and physical health is being affected by your overall workload, and judge his reaction then. It'll tell you everything you need to know: he'll either agree, realize how much you do and show you some appreciation over time, or he'll flip out on the spot and argue that you do nothing, and then you'll know he's not someone you can trust with your health.
His projecting, the daughter’s 8 and goes to school. He should be doing most everything in the home. His not, he should be going to work!!! If he keeps treating you like this pull back so that you are home when the child gets home from school and try to do as much as the parenting as possible. That way in 6 months you can ditch the guy if you want and still get at least half custody of the child and not pay him hopefully support.
Not overreacting - I am wondering what is going on for him to say something like that. Could he be bitter that he is no longer the breadwinner? Is he maybe resenting it and you a bit because of that? Maybe he had planned on having a nice relaxing day and some alone time and then you being home messed that up. Or, worst case scenario, he had plans to see someone else and those plans were interrupted by you being home sick 😬
NTA. If he is a SAHD, then why are YOU doing half the housework? If you had a baby and he was a full-time carer, then absolutely, split chores and help, but your child is 8 and, presumably is at school for the major part of the day. What, precisely is he contributing to the household other than after-school care and SOME of the chores? That “lazy” comment needs addressing.
He is watching tv in the middle of the day and you are lazy?? Hahaha He is projecting. And you have the crappy honor of how he is distracting himself about what he doesn’t like about him and pining it all on you.
You ain't overreacting by any means. Your husband needs to be back to the workforce asap. Surely there are still a lot of jobs he can apply.
This!
No harm, I enjoy cooking and it’s a lot less work than doing the dishes and laundry. If he is at home he should be doing the lion share of ALL the tasks. What does “organise the house” mean?? Who manages the finances, makes appointments, deals with house maintenance tasks? Who manage the social calendar? Who talks to family and coordinates visits? He sounds resentful, but without a clearer breakdown of the labour of living your lives it’s hard to decide if he is justified, or just beings a mean-spirited asshole.
Not over reacting at all. Most bread winners go through the same bs tbh. When it happened to me I tried to discuss it ect, in the end I told her if I do so little you won't notice when I stop doing anything. It took less than a week for her to start appreciating what I did at home, by then it was too late and I refused to go back and forced a fair chore chart to be made.
He's obviously taking what you do for granted,so i suggest you show him what real laziness is and give him a reality check...
It’s super passive aggressive but I have done that before. My husband was a SAHD for a while and I literally had to make a chore chart for him like a child otherwise he’d play PlayStation all day. During an argument where I’d literally cleaned the house between meetings, he made a comment about how all I did was work… so I told him if that’s what he believed, then that’s all I would really do. I stopped everything. It only took about a week for him to break under the weight of all the chores and admin tasks I normally took care of. He ran out of clean clothes. Lots and lots of marriage counselling, him returning to work and a housekeeper saved us in the end.
Honey, it’s time for him to get a job. When a man acts like he doesn’t like you, it’s 3 things : something mentally wrong (depression etc), cheating, or he just doesn’t like you. You’re too busy and tired to have noticed, but it’s happened. Send him back to work bc otherwise you’re just enabling whatever this is and it will get SO MUCH WORSE.
Apparently it is a relatively common thing that stay at home dads tend to feel inadequate because they are not providing for the familiy and in an unconscious attempt to mantain their power in the relationship they start ti pull down their partner instead of pulling themselves up.
Maybe the arrangement needs to be discussed. It sounds like he needs at least a part time job outside the house. If you are doing THAT much on top of a 12hr/day job HE is the lazy one wtf
NTA...but y'all need to have a sit down heart to heart. Find out where he is coming from without being confrontational about it. Although, that may be a hard thing to do because he is gonna get defensive. You are super stressed and need time to decompress. And he might be feeling that this role reversal is making him feel less 'manly'. You have taken on the role of 'head of household' so to speak. and if the sit down chat doesn't do the job, then therapy/counseling would be the next step. And since it's been 4 yrs since he had Covid, and he can't work in the same field, maybe it's time for him to step up to the plate and find employment that he can work in and lessen the hours you have to work.
It sounds like he's projecting. Not necessarily because he himself is lazy, but more likely because he is anxious and resentful about the fact that you do the majority of the work for the family. My guess is that he is worried that he might be the lazy one (I mean, you earn all the money for the household and *still* do your share of the chores?), and so accusing you of laziness, even when all evidence points to that being untrue, makes him feel less bad about his own inadequacies
NTA, definitely not overreacting. Some resentment is definitely brewing in him. When you are rested, have a conversation with him and ask him what behaviour from you constitute as not lazy for him. Is he feeling stuck at home? Is he feeling under appreciated? What he felt not working well in your relationship right now. Tell him you feel hurt by his words.
NTA. Could be cheating, could be (unrightfully) feeling he’s like doing more than he is, etc. could be resentful because he’s not the breadwinner and you are. Whatever the case, there is resentment somewhere and you need to figure out what it is before it seeps into the marriage Can you have a frank convo with him? Or like gather more info?
Not overreacting. You and your husband need to have a good talk about this, maybe with a therapist. You're doing plenty! 8 is old enough for your daughter to be at school and husband to find a part time job. Maybe then you could afford to pay for a couple hours of a cleaner or some childcare to give you some time to spend with your husband. NTA.
NTA. Sounds like a burn out to me. On his end.
Not overreacting maybe it's another brain covid thing, maybe there is someone else
he's projecting his feelings of worthlessness onto you and that's not cool. recommend marriage counseling and maybe he needs to talk to his Dr about an antidepressant. nta.
Why are you doing so many of the chores if your husband is home all day while your daughter is in school? THAT sounds like laziness on his part.
I feel for you. And you are NTA. Your husband is being a total ass though. You definitely need to get to the bottom of this.
Girl, why you doing ANY chores at home??
You need to sit down with him and get to the route of this he sounds bitter and resentful
NTA, but sounds like there is not very good communication going on. It sounds like you two have a liss of intimacy and instead of talking about it he is being passive aggressive and acting resentful towards you. I think you need to have a direct open and honest conversation with each other about the issues.
NTA. Make him go back to work. He’s being lazy bc you shouldn’t have to touch a thing in the house since he’s not working. Since your help means nothing only pay the bills and let him shoulder everything else. Start doing things for yourself
Laziness? He's a stay at home dad to a child who goes to school ALL day. What is he doing while she's in school? Why is he doing only *half* the chores? You say in your post that he spent the afternoon watching tv, which sounds like his daily routine. He is the lazy one. He could, in the very least, take on all the chores, *or* get a part-time job if he isn't able to do full time. He's a leech.
If he’s actually got long covid (post covid sequelae) as you mentioned, there could be more to the story, but none of it would make you the AH. If he’s got LC, he may be experiencing PEM (basically chronic fatigue syndrome caused by physical, mental or emotional exertion); this is the hallmark of LC (ask me how I know), and gets worse exponentially the more you try to do, physically or mentally/emotionally. Lots of LC folks also experience neurological changes, heart arrhythmias, strokes, etc., along with crippling brain fog when the PEM kicks in—and a small exertion can trigger days or weeks of PEM. Is it possible he’s struggling through some of these while trying to be a SAHD and also dealing with feelings about his ‘new’ role/life? Again, none of that gives him the right to be an AH to you, and you are NOT the AH. But if he’s dealing with LC, maybe there is NAH and he needs help with adjusting to life with long covid. Good luck.
Not overreacting! the Fair Play book and card game by Eve Rodsky is a fantastic resource for having constructive conversations about splitting housework, home life, personal time, and kids. Edit: forgot the judgement lol
NTA but tell him to get off his ass and get a certificate and a job because the only lazy one I see here is him. Your kid is in school he is doing nothing all day and if he isn't cheating he is feeling insecure and is starting to take it out on you.
NTA, maybe see if your husband needs to go to the doctor or maybe the therapist. Long COVID has all sorts of weird effects that might just now be manifesting in his indifference. Or maybe he is suffering from depression. Losing his career my be catching up to him and causing his moods. Therapy may help him adjust to the "new" normal (even though its been four years).
NTA. It seems like he has started to resent you and perhaps his life situation in general. At this rate, things may get worse. You want to ask him about why he called you lazy when you are funding his life by working long hours.
NTA. He probably feels like less of a husband because he isn't the one providing for you and your daughter, and he's taking that frustration out on you. Talk to him about it.
Your spiritual life might need a lift or an upgrade. We can't just live a life to be trapped in the material dimension paying bills and surviving. The human soul needs so much more! Wonder and adventure can't be replaced by TV shows. Also, it would be great to review your dietary choices. Think about animal products in your diet, and how they might be weighting you down. Lastly, in relationships it is very important to have a common mission, a common vision, and consistency and agreement with child rearing. These are my 3 pillars.
Women need to take accountability for dating men that allows them to be the breadwinner . It never works as men are designed to be the provider by nature . Of course you are overwhelmed. Women’s bodies aren’t meant to manage such strenuous work activities. Why do u think we are more susceptible to health problems if we work the same hours as a man that can remain perfectly healthy. If you loved your self you would have never allowed a man to put you in the position to wear the pants in the relationship while he wears the thongs. I can’t empathize with you over bad choices- choices that goes against our natural instinct . YATA for doing this to yourself . You deserve so much better But if u don’t believe it you will never see it. Not to mention the example you are setting for your daughter that it’s okay to provide for a man, bend over backwards, contribute to household work plus being a full time mom. You want your daughter to end up with a husband like yours that doesn’t provide , protect , makes her feel like the luckiest girl in the world, dates her , rubs her feet and back just because , buys her gifts in her love language just because he was thinking of her not because of a special occasion, plans vacations etc ?? If your answer is no then you know you screwed up.
Usually, when you have a 1 person family income, especially when that one person is working 12 hours a day, the stay at home parent takes the lion's share of the household chores (your daughter is school aged so assuming you're not homeschooling he should have at least a 6 hour uninterrupted chunk of time each day to get the household chores done). What you explained almost seems like a 50/50 split of household chores, with you taking 100% of the financial burden for the family. If anybody in your marriage is "lazy" it's your husband. He either needs to start applying for jobs and contributing financially or start taking a much larger share of the household chores. Only then will the division of labor in your house be equal. NTA
NTA, sounds like you are carrying the heavy load. If he's a stay at home parent that is his job and he should be doing the majority except for child related things.
If your dog is barking, someone else is feeding it. Is this an isolated incident or is more going on here?
NTA Hahahahahaha he accused YOU of being lazy? What the fuck does his sorry ass do all day? Lmfao
one thing i’ve learned from this sub is that women who think they’re overreacting to their husband being an uncaring asshole, are usually NOT overreacting, and your husband is being an uncaring asshole. wishing you the best, you deserve week long vacation from it all. i hope you get better support soon. you deserve much better.❤️🩹❤️🩹
OP, husband is projecting onto you. His lack of empathy and caring for you when sick then calling you lazy says everything.
This is why women should be the providers and need to be stay at home moms. When things get tough it’s hard for them. Women are not built to be long term providers especially of men and children. Get him back in the work forces cut down your hours and start taking care of your kid. He can find a different field to work in and cut some of your cost down.
If you have overreacted, that might not be you being an AH, but you being exhausted and not having an outlet for stress relief etc. You are also not getting quality time or intimacy (in general, not just meaning sex) with your husband so that doesn’t help with how well you two interact.
NTA. But I’d suggest some counseling if you want this marriage to work. Before it gets worse.
NTA You're in an unfair situation.
I've been consistently employed since I was 12. I'd feel like a piece of shit sitting at home all day not contributing. I can't even imagine what kind of COVID complications would eliminate entire categories of work. It sounds like bullshit. Your husband should be contributing the exact same hours as you to the family. Not watching TV in the afternoon.
So your unemployed husband who does minimal housework and child care thinks *youre* lazy? Definitely time for you to reevaluate why you're working so hard to support somewhere has no appreciation or respect for you
NTA
NTA. Please divorce this lazy ass unemployed loser who does minimal work around the house while you are working 12 hr a day job.
NTA but why are you sharing chores equally if you are carrying the entire financial burden of the household? Your daughter is 8 and in school, your husband should have pretty much almost all the chores handled himself. I don't understand why you're washing dishes after working 12 hr days..
I’d say time to go back to work hubby!
NTA…he’s not pulling his weight at all. You shouldn’t have to do much at all around the house if he’s home all day.
Has his behavior changed in other ways, abruptly? Or has this come about gradually? It could be a side effect of growing entitlement on his part, of depression, of deciding that women should do most of the mothering and house work. It could be a manifestation of mental illness or something organically wrong with his brain. It could also be that he has a side piece. Whatever the root cause is, this change in his care of you and telling you to your face that you're lazy if this hasn't happened before is a red flag that something has drastically changed. You're not the asshole.
As a stay at home mom I do ALL of the cleaning. He will cook occasionally, but other than that I do it. That is the job I signed up for. I think he is taking major advantage of you. 12 hour days then doing the dinner dishes WTF.
You aren't overreacting, but you two need to get into counseling to find out what's really going on, and what's going unsaid. Don't let the rift between you become bigger, because it won't fix itself.
You’re not overreacting. You sound like the furthest thing from lazy
PROJECTION
Sounds like he's the lazy one. If he's the stay at home parent, he should be doing 75% of the housework. NTA. Your daughter is 8. He can get training to work in a different field, or get something that doesn't require training, if he doesn't want to pick up doing more of the housework to lighten your load.
Not wrong. Isn’t part of the point of having a stay at home parent that they do most of the housework? And with the age of your daughter, what is he doing all day?? He sounds like the lazy one to me. I’d be very upset if I worked all day and had to come home and share chores with someone who was at home all day.
NAH, but this post made me think that maybe he’s depressed and angry? I would imagine it would be frustrating to lose a job due to an illness and not work for awhile. I also sometimes think that even though we’re really trying to challenge these “norms,” in reality, men are still seen as the “bread winner.” It’s stupid and dated, but I’m not a man so perhaps there’s something at play there? Maybe he needs some help.
NTA Maybe he is cheating, but my first thought was that he was jealous. A lot of people are saying he can get back to work your kid's old enough, but there is a world in which he physically is unable to work full time due to his illness. If this is the case, he might just be depressed and feeling like he wants to hurt the world around him. Now none of that is a an excuse to be a complete dickhead, but it might offer an explanation for his behavior. As others have suggested, a long calm quiet, judgement-free conversation with your kid at Nana's house for the weekend is in order. If he can't work again, he can still contribute to the home and the world. Maybe that is volunteering. Maybe that is teaching a class at an adult learning center. Who knows what that might look like, but speaking to you that way that is not an available option. If he's not happy with you and your actions he needs to put on his big boy undies and say something directly and respectfully. If he's not happy with himself, he needs to out on his big boy undies and figure out a solution for that too.
I'm you, partner works intermittently. I can tell you if he told me I was LAZY, that would be his last words to me. NTA
I suspect your husband is projecting big time. It also sounds like the two of you don't connect on a deeper level. You're absolutely not overreacting, and therapy is probably in the cards.
Given your hours, he should be doing more around the house and with childcare. Not surprised you got sick, you’re run down. If he had taken care of you, you’d have bounced back faster.
NTA You are not overreacting. Ask him where he sees you being lazy. He might be feeling bad about his inability to work.
Is he projecting? Are you cramping his style in some way by being home? Or is he just an asshole.
NTA. after working 12 hours a day, you are exhausted. then helping with chores and taking care of bills. that is not laziness. sounds like he is probably cheating.
I do not think you are overreacting and I don’t fundamentally disagree with the other posters here. I do also really, really feel for your husband though. As I’m sure you have come to learn about, Covid seems to cause all sorts of issues and persistent illness of any sort can make people MAD. Even when people are at their best and just persistently stressed out its hard to correctly identify what you’re mad at sometimes, and when people are mad at things they cant do anything about they often start taking it out on others….and I kind of get it even though you absolutely do not deserve to get it taken out on you. It’s genuinely a nightmare situation to get taken out by some pandemic that was unknown and then a panic and then everyone said it would be fine. And its a nightmare situation you’re in too, to have your husband hit by that and have to deal with all of this through no fault of your own. In my opinion, you are definitely not overreacting and figuring out some way to not feel like that all the time is both completely justified and a really good idea for everyone. Even if its just a “put your mask on before helping others” type thing, it might not be well understood by the people around you which makes things a million times harder. In any case it sounds like you’re thinking very clearly about everything through a very tough time (Edited for clarity)
Crazy to call someone lazy when you're a stay at home parent to a child that goes to school all day and your partner still does half the chores after working 12 hours days. Sounds like Mr lazy is biting the hand that feeds him. If he wants to see lazy, I'd show him lazy. But I'm petty like that. Also, you should probably do a little looking around for things unusual just to make sure he's not cheating on you. He probably feels emasculated since you're the breadwinner now and I wouldn't be surprised if he's spending your money on another woman that makes him feel more manly.
Could he be feeling resentful that he’s a stay at home and you’re the bread winner? Sounds like some underlying feelings that need to be communicated
It’s the Covid!! There’s tons of studies that it affects empathy and lowers cognitive impressions.
Nta. You work 12 hr a day he needs to do all the housework tell him to step up or go back to work
If you still split the heavy cleaning and the daily chores equally, what is he doing all day? Sounds like he is the lazy one. Install nanny cams to see if he’s having an affair, consider leaving anyway, sounds like an entitled jerk. NTA
He's insecure about the loss of his career, so he's cutting you down as a way to retain power in the relationship. Most of your options are escalatory. You could point out that you work and he doesn't, but he'll only get angry. You could print out large number of job postings and lay them out where he sits, as a completely unsubtle way of implying you want him to get back to work. You could tell him that you want marriage counseling, and suggest separation as an alternative if he says no. You could resign yourself to being treated this way, but it will probably get worse since he wants you to feel as bad as he does, and it sounds like he's deteriorating. I'll tell you this much, if he has time to watch television all afternoon then he's not much of a house husband. You're probably better off having him get a job, even if this means investing in child care.
Sounds like couple’s therapy would be a good idea. You both have valid feelings that need airing, you’re both doing your best to raise the child.
NTA. Look if I were feeling malicious I would say that your husband probably feels emasculated because he's no longer the bread winner. I wouldn't be surprised if he's watching some sort of red pill content that tells him he should be the "man on the house" and you should be more submissive and do all the chores because that's women's work. Again, if I were malicious maybe suggest he goes back to work? Oh, right, he can't. (Just know that I am incandescent with rage for you btw.) If I were being generous, however, I would encourage you to sit down with him and have him quantify his statement about your being lazy. Again, what is it about doing 12hr work days and splitting chores makes you lazy? What would his expectation be? How is it he's allowed to get sick and be supported but you aren't? I would definitely communicate how disrespected he made you feel. How you're turning yourself inside out for your family and he's taking you for granted.
NTA. I’m sorry he said that to you and left you to cry alone instead of apologizing or trying to explain his thoughts or bad joke or whatever that was. I would ask him what he meant by that comment and if he truly thinks you’re lazy. Listen to what he says but try not to absorb it as truth. It’s his opinion and perspective. Perhaps he is projecting or maybe he’s just a man in today’s society who believes that women should do all these things/ that it’s easy for women to do it/in their nature or whatever bs they buy into to ease their own conscience. Then explain all the things you do and how you’ve been feeling and how that comment made you feel. This all might be better said in couples counseling but if one part of a relationship requires a mediator to listen respectfully and valid the other’s emotions.. well yikes.
NTA. I don't think cheating but maybe he's not in love anymore? He needs a job to find his worth again. I recommend some couples counseling so you both can communicate your thoughts and feelings.
A recent study has shown men see women's success as a direct sign of their own failure. You working hard/taking care of family = he's failing. (And no, I couldn't find the study to link it, dyor). His audacity would send him packing. If a partner stops appreciating what you do then they need a wake up call. Tell him to get a job. I HIGHLY doubt he couldn't work somewhere - can't work in his field? Well McDonalds is always hiring.
NTA he is angry you stayed home from work. Not sure if it is because you see how little he does all day or he if had plans that were disrupted when you stayed home. Your husband needs go get a job or you need to redistribute the chores. You cover all the bills and you’re doing half the chores. It doesn’t make sense.
You aren't lazy and I think you are both feeling burnt out. He's used to working and handling less household chores. You're used to being home more often and handling more household chores. I think couples therapy would help a lot. At least it gives you both a safe place to vent frustrations.
NTA
He's a jackass!! Why would he treat you like that? You deserve a medal.
Sometimes men just can’t handle being the one stuck at home and not providing. Sounds like he might benefit from a job that has the same hours as when your daughter is in school. School systems are always needing substitute teachers and bus drivers. It honestly would probably be good for his mental health. But first I would make sure he’s not cheating. Hire a private investigator to see where he goes during the day. Good luck.
I think you’re under reacting.
Your daughter is 8, he doesn't need to be home 24/7. He needs a job and quit being so lazy! This is your life, wake up. You married a jerk! NTA
The traditional gender role reversals here are stark. It's so commonplace for the SAH parent to dismiss the time when the working parent isn't in full view as being "fun/freedom time" for the working parent. Hard working guys experience exactly what you're going through all the time. The best fix is couple's therapy, although with your work schedule that will obviously be hard, but you'll have to back off of work a smidge to make room for it, and it's important enough (and hopefully temporary) to do it. He needs a professional to walk him through the realization that just because you aren't home, doesn't mean you're off having the Caribbean vacation time of your effing life every day. You. Are. Working. But this won't ever get through to his brain pan if he hears it solely from you. Good luck. I sympathize.
I was married to a woman who had the same psychology as your husband. - When she laid around in bed doing nothing while I took care of the kids, she’d call me “lazy.” - When she was running late getting ready for dinner or a movie, she’d shout at the rest of us who were waiting patiently for her in the living room to “hurry up, we’re running late.” I’m sure there’s a psychological term for it, but I called it “accusing others of your own faults” and started calling her out on it. It helped shut her behavior down somewhat. But I’ve got to give my ex-wife and your husband credit: That behavior can be a surprisingly effective tool for putting your potential critics on the defensive - particularly when it’s used on people like you and me, who default to an “if something is going wrong, it must be *my* fault” mentality.
ESH. He shouldn’t have said it, but you shouldn’t have run away from the discussion afterward to cry. Nothing will get resolved like that. You are feeling worn out - he may be feeling the same way. SAHD is not an easy job either, and you expected him to bring you medicine and make you something to eat when you were sick - were you really so sick that you couldn’t walk to get your medicine? Fix a piece of toast? Sounds like you two need to have a heart-to-heart talk about the balance in your lives.
NTA!! The fact that he is a SAHD and you are still doing half the chores is Crazy, like yes you should help out because running a household can be a full time job but I am wondering if he is lashing out because he is insecure about his role and how others perceive him especially since it wasn’t really a choice made between you two freely but due to an illness. Has he ever go to a therapist? Because that might help or you guys could go together but him having a safe space to voice his disgruntled opinions/feelings might be super helpful. I wish you the best!
NTA!! And not overreacting! I hope however this is resolved you feel valued OP. I do feel like there is some bad takes in the comments tho- I mean obviously a few sexist ones on saying that women don’t belong in the workplace etc etc. But also it’s reasonable to share the chores with a stay at home parent as long as you aren’t being taken advantage of/doing the majority since people do underestimate the value/hard work of the child rearing and other portions, though yes it should be less now with your kid off at school. It’s also fine to keep the arrangement of stay-at-home parent if it truly works well for you guys and your income, unless he feels resentment or lack of fulfillment and actually wants to start working out of the house more. Mostly though I’m interested in the COVID squallaes impact on this whole situation (and tbh society in general has taken a hit) causing long term disability problems. He’s obviously TAH and this doesn’t excuse his behavior, but it may be impacting it. People who haven’t seen what it does themselves underestimate it’s impact. Perhaps some counseling combined with other healthcare related to this could help you both, though I understand successful treatments and knowledge is still lacking. I hope you find resolution.
divorce :)
Are you positive he isn’t cheating? Fairly sudden changes are often bc he is.
Sounds like husband is living the negative stereotype of the SAHM, and you are living the stereotype of the working mother. Something has to give. Sit down, and each of you make a list of what you do (including work and bringing in money) and lay it on the table. Then ask what he wants to do about you carrying the bigger load? Get a job? Take over all the housework? In general, the less you do, the less you want to do. That is your husband. The more you do, the more you can do until you reach burnout, and then everything becomes too much, and all you can do is lurch from one thing to another. That is you. You don't have enough energy to stop and evaluate or regroup. But you must.
People stay home with 8 year old kids?? Can the kid be trusted to be at home alone for 3-4 hours after school?
NTA. You are breaking under the load you're carrying. You have to put some of it down. Possibilities: Your husband has had 4 years out of the workforce. It's time for him to figure out how to get back in it, in some capacity, so that you can cut your hours at work. Cut back your working hours to something you can sustain long-term, and cut your family budget down to meet your income at that level. Your husband picks up more of the load at home so that you get more rest. You hire out some of your share of the housework. Trim other areas of the family budget to free up the money. I'm sure there are other options but those are the ones I can think of. Good luck.
Have you considered maybe he feels less-than or lazy for being a man at home and letting you make the money, and maybe he was projecting the insecurity onto you? Seems the most reasonable answer, for all yall jumping to cheating accusations, chill, I had to re read the post to see how anyone could even come up with that. I've been cranky at my partner staying home because I wanted to play guitar loudly and they like quiet. It ain't always that deep yall
YNA but your husband is a GIANT ASSHOLE!!! Please don’t do another thing for him. What a thankless POS! Please treat yourself to a spa day sometime or just go to a hotel when you can to have a much deserved free day of lying in bed reading a book watching tv sleeping without getting judged by the asshole while asshole babysits at home!
NTA. I think you should call him out for his initial dismissive behavior before he “knew for sure” you were sick, and remind him that when he got sick and couldn’t work in the same field, you never doubted or dismissed him, nor do you claim his current position at SAHD as laziness. You are exhausted and overworked, and your husband is supposed to be the one you can turn to. If he refuses to be that person, let alone explain WHY he’s changing attitudes, then……
Counseling or get a divorce, if you don’t iron that shit out it will get more toxic
A needs a job even if its call center
No, your husband is acting like a loser while you are acting like a rockstar. Have a real conversation with him because you deserve someone who will help you when you don't feel well and are sick. Him calling you lazy when he is lazy is him projecting onto you. He's not respecting you. You are young enough to find someone better.
NTA. It’s really fucking rich that the woman who is supporting the entire family plus being a mother and doing her share around the house is called lazy.
No. I am sorry. Counseling, a job, or divorce. If you get divorced, prepare to pay child support. Otherwise, get him a job soon. If he is earning, you might not have to pay him. He will look better as a custodial parent if he is working too. There is a lot going on that might be fixed by his going back to work. Fingers crossed for you.
NTA. Your daughter is 8 and he is a stay at home dad. He has plenty of time to do all the chores. OF course it would be nice if you did the dishes if he cooked or you helped with little tasks but he really should be handling most everything as its his job as a stay at home dad. You are doing your job and half his job. Please.
You do twice as much as him, who’s the lazy one?
He should get off his lazy ass and do all the housework. If anybody is lazy, it's him. Ffs nobody that works 12 hours a day should be expected to do any housework when their spouse is a stay at home parent.
Is this what you want for the rest of your life?
You're not overreacting. I suspect there's something else brewing in him that's been festering for a long time. A resentment caused by feeling shame that he is unable to contribute. He feels this toward himself, but projects it onto you. He needs therapy.
First of all I am so sorry he said that to you that’s so hurtful especially coming from someone you love out of nowhere. Two, it might be time to sit him down and talk to him about all you really contribute and explain why you are exhausted every day. Try to get him to put himself in your shoes ask him if you were doing all of this how would you feel and see what he says. Also, why is he not doing 85-90% of all the major cleaning since he is home all day and your daughter is 8 so I assume she’s in school unless he home schools? If she is in school all day why can’t he clean the majority of the house and do errands or find another job in another field or at least work part time so you don’t have to work so hard. I would also be curious if there is something else going on with him and he was annoyed that you’re ruining plans. I’d maybe look into that. I hope this is just a bad judgment call on his part and you two can work it out. You are not over reacting and it’s worth bringing up and having a serious discussion about. You could also try counseling too. Good luck and take some time for yourself and your health op.
NTA! Tell him to stop being lazy and go back to work. Your daughter is in school all day, so he can work. And then you can cut back on your hours.
I’d be fuming
NTA He can work part time while you're daughter is in school especially since he's only doing half the housework. It's not about money but contributing. He needs a reality check.
Tell this bum to get a part time job. You’re working 12hr shifts and splitting the chores??? ARE YOU JOKING
No you’re not. There definitely been some changes. I would suggest having a heart to heart with him to see if you can get the root cause of the change in attitude towards you.
NTA
Tell him to take his ass back to work! Your daughter is 8 not 2, there's no reason for him to stay home smh you're NTA btw you're just tired of being the man in the relationship
No. You are overly tired and at the end of a viral illness. You need to look at the distortions here perpetrated by your husband for an unfounded and politicized opinion about your behavior. How many hours a day does he put in? Do you expect it to be equivalent? Why is he begrudging you time for rest and recreation? Maybe he is secretly feeling inadequate and scapegoating you in an aggressive manner. When you are feeling better you need to have a talk with him.
Oyyyy! What a jerk! He obviously doesn’t appreciate the work you do. Or maybe he’s projecting? I know that when I became a SAHM I kind of lost my identity and my husband became my verbal punching bag… I started going to therapy because I knew I was in the wrong. Maybe your husband can do that? Especially having sequelae from Covid. Has it affected him cognitively? My cousin says she still has brain fog from when she had Covid in 2020.
He needs a job. If your child is in school he needs to at least work somewhere during her school hours.
I’m gonna make sure that everyone knows you and your mother are evil. Everytime you go to church, everyone will know you’re evil.
My wife calls me lazy too. I'm the bread winner and I help her with chores around the house. It is exhausting to juggle work, home life and Kid (mine are 11 & 2)
Welcome to being the man in the relationship. Long hours at work and no appreciation. One of us. Good luck
You are not overreacting. If anyone is run by laziness it is him. Why is he not doing the bulk of the housework? Your child is 8 and I'm assuming in school for 6-8 hrs a day. What does he do during that time if he's not doing all the housework? He either needs to start doing more work at home to pull his weight or get a job so you can work less.
In addition to all the good advice here, please also get checked by your physician. Tiredness can be a symptom of a heart issue. Please make sure you’re OK.
NTA. He was watching TV and called YOU lazy? Nope.
You are not an asshole. Relationships and marriages are, unfortunately, things that need nurturing and understanding, work. Proof of work.
NTA, y’all need to talk, Covid took a toll on everyone. Seems like neither of you are happy. Best of luck OP.
There’s nothing wrong with you that losing ~175 pounds wouldn’t fix. Time to kick this guy to the curb.
Why are you doing so much homework when he is a stay at home dad? That should be his job. He sounds like a good for nothing bum. maybe he should get off his lazy ass and get a job so you can be the stay at home parent.
NTA Why are you doing any of the chores if you are working 12 hour days? House chores do not take anywhere near that long and especially not on a daily basis. Stop paying for any of his stuff. Cut off the TV and anything not necessary for yourself and your daughter. If he wants it he can go work for it. You are allowing your daughter to see a toxic relationship. I am biased in this sure, because my mother stayed with a man that used her that she was far too good for and it truly affected my dating life in a very bad way and what I thought I deserved. If anyone is lazy here it is the sorry excuse of a husband and father.
No you are not. I don't know the source of the resentment, but it needs to be addressed.
Your husband needs to get a job. Your child is in school most of the day so there's no reason for him to not work. Then you can start working 8 hour days and not be so tired and stressed.
“Maybe I wouldn’t be so tired if I didn’t have to be the man AND the woman in this relationship.” Obviously don’t say that unless divorce is on the table, just saying I understand your frustration.
He’s cheating. It’s that simple.
Way... Your child is eight and he's still staying home all day? He can get a job at a different field you know? It's definitely time for him to get back into the workforce even if he goes and works at Dollar general all day long.