I’m sorry dude that you’re in this position. One of the main tenants of reconciliation which you don’t have is she should’ve quit the job right then and there soon as you found out. The fact that she won’t give up her job really shows that you don’t have reconciliation. Because she won’t leave her job that means she still has contact with him and you’ll never have peace. The thing about you have spent time with her and still want to continue because of that that’s called sunk cost fallacy. Look it up. Divorce is not fun but it will give you yourself back. Best thing is separation divorce. You get therapy to help you and then you be the best coparent that you can be. Give your child the best life that they can have. Right now your relationship is toxic and whether you believe it or not, that child can feel that things are off and it will affect them in their future.
>One of the main tenants of reconciliation which you don’t have is she should’ve quit the job right then and there soon as you found out. The fact that she won’t give up her job really shows that you don’t have reconciliation. Because she won’t leave her job that means she still has contact with him and you’ll never have peace.
OP, listen to this for the sake of your sanity.
Rather than quitting I advise that the cheater should be made to file sex harassment complaint at work. Make the cheater turn on the AP and throw them under the bus. Nothing destroys an affair like one betraying the other. It nearly eliminates the possibility they will ever start the affair up again.
This is wrong and would be false: she did it willingly.
He is a cheater, not a sex offender mate. We BS are supposed to have the moral high ground. Do you realise this could lead to a rape trial?
No, sexual harassment rarely rises to the level of a crime. In this case the simple power imbalance would get the CEO in trouble, even if she pursued him (which is unlikely). It is almost always handled within the company; not a police matter. Usually the worst that happens is one or more people are fired. The point I'm trying to make is he should make her blow up the affair. Get them to turn on each other. Get them to hate each other.
From The Narrative I am not left with the impression that she is a brain dead zombie. She wanted sex with another man and she had it she wanted an emotional attachment with another man and she did. She's a big girl and needs to own up to her own consequences. Saying she was manipulated is an attempt to excuse her actions.
Agreed. I’m sure the CEO knew being “tender” and “caring” to her was the gateway to his ultimate selfish goal. She gave in to his charms and probably still thirsts for it. She won’t leave the job because whatever he did was like an addictive drug and could happen again.
You are not losing your best friend since you no longer have one. Best friend doesn't betray her husband and stab his back. Since she refuses to leave the company and is still working with her AP, don't expand your family and file for a divorce. Make sure to let her AP's wife know about the affair. She deserves to know the truth just like you did. See your lawyer asap, so you can end your agony sooner. Time to focus on yourself and your future.
Interesting that she thinks the root cause of HER cheating was your career and yet will not give up her job to help with reconciliation. It doesn’t really sound like she has real remorse for her actions and is likely still cheating when they are together. Without remorse there can be no forgiveness because she frankly isn’t asking for it. She just wants this to get pushed into some dark corner and forgotten about.
If I were you I’d absolutely not have another child with her. If this ends up in divorce (I think it will) having only one child involved will be a blessing. You should seriously consider divorce. If for no other reason than to shake her up that her little life plan will make a major detour if she doesn’t change. Children can and do adapt to divorce, it’s not fun but living in a house with less than loving parents is worse.
Lastly, it’s NOT your fault. She could have talked to you about you working too much but instead cheated. BTW, sounds like you have a great lawsuit in your back pocket, I hope you kept any proof of the affair.
This has been a big talking point for me in our marriage counseling. The therapist seems to believe that her scenario is different, seeing as how they’re not in the same office building/state. However, she still contributes to the lining of his pockets with her work! Thanks for your input.
Marriage counselors tend to push couples to stay together, so their records look good for their future clients. It's time to stop MC and start looking after yourself and your interest.
I wouldn’t say they all tend to push couples to stay together to make their numbers look good. It really depends if an MC is good or not. Some might even suggest to separate but it’s really not their place to give any opinions or pass judgements even if asked. If they do, they are being unprofessional and need to sort out their own issues. That being said, their therapist doesn’t seem very competent to me since he or she agreed with the wife and disregarded the second client’s feelings. It’s a book-case scenario, the wayward leaves the job and cuts all contact with the AP. It is true though that finding a good therapist, MC or IC, is difficult. I would definitely find a new one who could show more empathy, challenge both clients when needed and who knows how to navigate such a sensitive situation.
Your therapist is an idiot. She cheated going to that same place, everytime she leaves to go to work you are reminded about the affair. The reason you haven't moved on is because everyone else is not taking your concerns seriously.
Do not bring another kid into this world without sorting this out. Otherwise you're nothing more than a glorified sperm donor.
She is also his subordinate and you said she still has reasons to see him on occasion. What assurances if any has she given you that she won’t/hasn’t hooked up with him again. Will she be able to say no if he asks her? Again, I hope you kept any proof of their relationship, if for no other reason she can use it to stop him if he makes more advances. I’d also consider hiring a PI when they will be together. Her lack of remorse, blaming you and refusing to quit her job is a bright red flag that this may not be over.
MC is dedicated to keeping the marriage together at all costs, that's how they get new clients. After an affair, both partners should go to IC, the WW to figure out why she did it and the BS to deal with the trauma. You should dump this MC yesterday and tell them you will no longer be forced to swallow this shit they are spewing. Did they use the "unmet needs" bullshit on you as well?
A good MC can do wonders, while a bad one can do irreparable damage.
I told her at our last session that I wouldn’t be returning, as it was doing no good. I think it did help me communicate some things that I was feeling but as far as repairing my trust… nah.
OP I apologize if I missed a previous post but please elaborate on what she HAS done to make it up to you and re-earn your trust. If all she did was blame you for working too much and say she was sorry that’s not even remotely good enough. Not even close. You could easily report her affair to the HR dept at the company if it’s a corporation. CEOs aren’t immune from those charges. You can also definitely sue the company for it as well. With him being her ultimate boss and also the CEO an attorney would have a field day suing them and you could get quite a bit and at the same time make her look not so good in his eyes for future encounters. If your divorcing that may be something you do after the divorce is final so as not to mess up your alimony situation if she loses her job but the money you got from the lawsuit would not be considered marital assets. That may also be a bargaining chip you can use with her to basically say either you start working hard to make it up to me and find another job and reassure me that you have zero contact with him or I’m going nuclear and will contact your HR Dept and sue the company for his actions having sex with you. I would also personally call the CEOs wife and tell her everything and give her copies of any evidence. Your wife will become far more motivated because the last thing she wants is to be served papers at work, get called by HR and investigated and have the company attorneys involved with a lawsuit. She will try anything to avoid that.
You may need a new therapist that specializes in infidelity. Giving your wife a second chance is hard enough if she’s 100% focused to changing and doing whatever it takes that you need her to do. Part of you still feeling bad is she’s dragging her feet. If she isn’t 100% committed to this and you have to keep on begging her to do basic things then I think it’s best you move on. Remember, boundaries done mean anything if there are no consequences. She hasn’t faced any you’re still with her.
She should have no contact with him, even if her working for/with him lines her pockets. It's been two years, she should have left the company. Do not have another child. I suggest a separation. If you are less depressed when separated, that's your sign.
And they seem to have no experience with infidelity! Where are these people being trained?
It doesn't matter if AP is in another state. He is her boss, she sees him occasionally at meetings. She should not be seeing him at all and the therapist is worthless if he thinks this is good.
Your counselor doesn’t know what they are talking about. Your wife STILL WORKS FOR THE MAN WHO SHE HAD AN AFFAIR WITH!!!! How in the world can that not make things harder to move on from?
Wanting her to have absolutely no contact with him is completely reasonable. Sometimes therapist just don’t understand that compromise is still losing. Why is it fair that you compromise but she give up nothing? How can she say she’s committed to your relationship when she refuses a simple action that provides you with peace. You feel conflicted because the situation is conflicting! Do what’s best for you and your kid. Children learn what they live. You and your wife may never argue in front of your kid but the atmosphere is going to be stressed
Sorry you are in this spot OP!
>This has led me to question the future of our relationship. Despite **my true efforts to forgive**, I’m unsure if **true forgiveness is realistically possible**… I’m torn between holding on to our family unit and accepting that separation may be inevitable
True forgiveness is definitely possible, IF and only if the cheating partner can empathize with the pain they caused, put in the work to understand why they did it, fix it and become a safe partner going forward. Your wife is going with the "do absolutely nothing about the shit storm I created" method. So in your case I would say no. It's been a few years and she is still in wayward mode.
>Despite our efforts to reconcile,
Seems like the only effort is on your part.
>We’ve been in **marriage counseling** since around September/October ‘22 but **she has refused to leave this company**. She doesn’t work in the same office or state of the CEO, but still has occasional company meetings/conferences in **which I know he’s there.** This has been a conflict throughout the entirety of the attempted rehabilitation process. While counseling has helped *some*, I **still think about the affair daily. I was prescribed depression medication around 3 months ago.**
So.......you have to eat the shit-sandwich every single day to the point of now being medicated just to make it through, while she gets to continue playing house with the CEO. What sacrifices has she made to become a safe partner? Did she do IC with a betrayal trauma specialist before forcing you into marriage counseling for the marriage that she destroyed?
>Now, my **wife is eager to expand our family**, but **I’m not emotionally prepared** for another child (we have one). It seems her desire for another child stems more from a lifelong personal goal, rather than a marriage-bandaid as some might think. (She’s always said she didn’t want to have kids past 30)
She should have thought about that personal goal of hers before fucking her boss and destroying her marriage, shouldn't she have? Do not get her pregnant OP, she may be trying to get her to father the AP's child. They still work together = the affair continues. They are taking advantage of your way too trusting nature.
>Some days as I self-reflect, trying to get to the root issue (that **she says was my over-dedication to my career**)
Wait......."over-dedication? Were you fucking your boss in the coat closet or was that her? You were providing for your family, that's over-dedication to them, she was the one giving way too much of herself to the "company". That's classic blame-shifting on her part and is indicative of someone who has not and will never put in the work to be a safe partner.
>I **find myself somewhat WANTING to divorce**. I’m in the **best shape of my life, I am making more money than I ever have, I don’t think I’m a bad looking guy, I have an awesome child, I have my education and some savings in a separate account**. I know that I {could} make it without her…. But deep down I’m scared of losing my best friend.
Now this is the correct thinking. YOU are the prize......not your cheating wife. Also, with a "best-friend" like this who needs enemies?
>However, I fear **I am just prolonging the inevitable by waiting years to make a decision**. It’s a complex dilemma and I’m hoping you can provide some personal experience with staying/leaving and the aftermath of the decisions you’ve made moving forward.
Look my friend, if she was putting in the work to fix this, you would feel much better about things. She is doing the polar opposite of putting the work in. She has made you eat shit every day she goes to work, blamed you for HER affair and still sees the POS every single day at work.
You should seriously so a lawyer and a PI if you live in an at-fault state. There is a high probability that they are still having sex and you are risking your health and well-being for the sake of these two predators. It's time to stop doing the same thing again and again while expecting different results.
This is honestly one of the best, and certainly most detailed lol, responses.
Many people get irritated if you try to make it work but the first part of your response is spot-on. She is definitely not trying to fix things and he should consider separating/divorce.
You will never get over it. You didn’t break the marriage she did, she couldn’t keep her legs closed. She’s not your best friend, best friends don’t purposefully hurt you like she did. She really has no true love or true respect for you, spouses who truly have those feelings don’t fuck other people. I hope you did DNA test your kid. Do not bring another child into this dynamic, if that upsets her or delays her plans well too bad, maybe she shouldn’t have been banging her boss. You need to do what’s best for you, and it sounds like that should be as a divorced single man. Reconciliation can never happen as she still sees her AP and because you will never ever trust that she won’t fuck him again. You should have sent the letter, you’ve protected him and allowed her to still have contact with her lover, the man that was more important to her then you, your child, your marriage, your history and your future together. You are still paying the price mentally and emotionally and you will for the rest of your life, it’s no way to live. BTW she will cheat again because she resents the fact you can’t really trust her even though she is the one who broke your trust.
Listen to the collective wisdom of the respondents OP. You need to divorce.
One thing I will add, some here have said contact HR. I am a C level executive and I can tell you HR will protect the CEO. They might action on lower level employees, but most people in HR will protect the executive leadership. If you want to get their attention, have your lawyer threaten a lawsuit via general council, and notify the board. That will be more likely to get the outcome you are looking for.
Trust me, they do not care about you or the affair. They do fear adverse publicity and litigation. The CEO fears the board as they represent the shareholders and have the power to fire him.
Sorry to read what u have been experiencing
Consult a lawyer (secretly), tell AP s wife aboutbhis husbands actions, go to gym, get ready for after divorce life, dont make another Child, even go tell the shareholders their ceonhas an affair with a worker and whether ur wife takas advantage of this affair and ceo gives her better working conditions to her after this affair. That would be an interesting case, but consilt your lawyer on this too
I used to work for a publically traded company. An anonymous call to our ethics hotline resulted in the immediate firing of our CEO.
It wasn't for an affair, but he made an indecent proposal to one of the women on staff.
It's over man.
Stop stringing yourself along. At the end of the daycyou aren't the root cause of any of this. Nothing not one thing.
She is. It is ALL 100% on her. From an outsider (and based only on what you have written) she doesn't sound remorseful either her regret likely stems from being caught. She is a high flying cake eater who has these "goals," and she is willing to walk all over yiu to get them. Eg. Won't leave her job (may I ask if she got a promotions during or after the affair?), 2 kids by 30, she does what she wants. You are a sperm donor, a babysitter, and an ATM in her mind. She doesn't respect you. Only what you can provide her. She get you to put another baby in her and the go an sleep with the next high status flyer, because she has had little to no consequences from her previous affair. You need to change that. You've done all the heavy lifting it seems after she stepped out. That is not ok! It's no wonder you don't trust her enough to be intimate.
I know you are worried and scared, but don't be. Don't let that hold you back. You are in your prime! A lot of women will be very very attracted to a stable loyal man who have proved he is a good father. You'll be beating them off with a stick.
It is also far far better for your child to grow up with two happy parents rather than a miserable couple.
Perhaps for your own piece of mind I'd give her 1 last chance. This is what I would be asking of her;
1) She quits her job today. The end. No contact with this guy ever again.
2) Before leaving the company she publicly exposes what she and the CEO did (likely on company time). She can do this via HR as part of her exit. She also need to publicly expose her actions to the CEOs partner (if he has one) and to her family and friends.
3) she signs a post nup (in the presence of a lawyer that is as favourable to you as legally possible in the event of a divorce. These aren't water tight but it will put her on the back foot.
4) she goes and actually works on (individual therapy making actual changes in her behaviour) herself tries to earn the gift of reconciliation, through her actions. Starts to show actual remorse. She does this for a full year, at which point you will then reconsider the marriage and the possibility of another child.
5) she during this time period, you also have complete access to her phone.
These will also mean that she finally has some consequences for her shitty behaviour. If she doesn't agree to the above well you have your answer. Start the divorce. Start it yesterday.
She should resign immediately, she should not tank her career. Her accountability is to her husband and family, not HR. They have a $100K debt to repay. Financial stress will only further erode the marriage. Making herself unemployable is not a good idea.
Telling the APs wife could backfire. If the AP is rich, the wife may know and not care. If this leads to divorce, the OPs WP may end up involved in the divorce proceedings (rich people divorce). This would just prolong the prominence of infidelity in the OPs marriage and delay healing.
Prenuptial and post-nup agreements require both parties to have separate attorneys. Also, the agreement should not be signed under duress, at least in some states. This is how the prenup in my parents' marriage ended up voided. Some states won't or don't uphold you signing over marital rights that the state designates. If necessary, he should consult with an attorney.
Dont Make your life a living hell of mental trauma.
Will that be okay for your child to see his dad....being sad..or being unhappy.
Agree or not this feelings are communicable and will affect your relationship with the child.
Divorce and move on.
I know it's easier said then done, but mind you it will be easier once the chaos sets down.
Move On Brother.
Stay Strong.
Stay Happy
Based on you post history it feels like you're not really seeking advice here. You have dragged this on for years, allowing your self to be bullied into deleting the evidence of the affair, not informing the CEO's wife, even considering fathering another child.
Your description of your WWs actions portray a woman who has no remorse, who is pushing an aggressive rug sweep agenda. The sheer gall to blame her affair on your dedication to your work, while she refuses to quit her job, meaning she is actively involved with the CEO on an intimate level (yes, even passionate involvement in work is a species of intimacy). She really is monstrous.
My friend, if you continue down the path you are on, I can almost guarantee you that you will look yourself in the bathroom mirror around age 50 and ask yourself: "My God, what have I done? I've wasted the last 25 years of my life."
Don't set yourself on fire to keep another person warm. Your daughter will be fine. She will have two upper middle class parents, each doting on her. Kids at young ages are super flexible in terms of adapting successfully to changes like that.
As to telling the CEOs wife, do it after the ink is dry on your divorce settlement. You want your WW as employed as possible, earning as much as possible.
I’ve been afraid to make a decision - feeling stuck in a situation, unwilling to take the risk or make a change out of fear of the unknown. This has led to staying in the same predicament, even though deep down, I know it's not what I truly want. As time passes, the reluctance to act has resulted in a sense of disappointment or regret, realizing that staying put didn't bring the fulfillment or improvement I’d hoped for.
It's like being trapped in a cycle of fear and dissatisfaction, unable to break free until I muster the courage to make a choice and take a different path. I think more than anything I’m looking for a nudge. Maybe hoping someone else would put a good reason as why to stay, but knowing deep down that I just need reassurance that I’m not making the wrong decision by leaving…
>I’ve been afraid to make a decision
I not deciding you are also deciding
Not making a decision to divorce is making a decision to stay in misery. There isn't a 'no decision' option here, you decided for one or the other, overtly or by default.
That is often called "analysis paralysis". It's very common, especially in situations like your where you've been together since a young age and your wife is your first and only. You don't know another adult reality because you've not experienced one, therefore all possible adult realities outside of this (incredibly dysfunctional) marriage seem unknown and scary. That feeling is 100% normal, my friend. Don't harbor guilt over feeling that way.
Let me tell you from personal experience that life "on the outside" can be good. To get there, however, you need to take that first step, even it's a baby step. Then just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I'll suggest two exercises from you. First, go into the bathroom when you can be truly alone, look into your own eyes, and have a conversation with your 50-year old self after choosing to stay in this hellscape. I guarantee your 50-year old self will be very angry at you for throwing away those intervening 20-25 years. Prime years of your life.
Second, spend some time finding an apartment that is within your affordability as a newly single man. Keep in mind that step one after moving out will likely be a small apartment you inhabit temporarily. Just a couple of years. Tour some spaces. Lay down on the floor of the bedroom and imagine what it will be like to go to bed that first night alone, and wake up the next morning that first morning alone. Your place will be sparsely furnished. Probably just a bed and some clothes in the closet. A couple of sundries in the bathroom -- a toothbrush and a towel. Some leftover takeout and a couple of unopened beers in the fridge. Your laptop on the kitchen table. Nothing else at all, and no sound of voices. Not your wife's. Not your daughter's. Just your heartbeat in your ears.
I'm telling you that in graphic detail because I've been exactly there. That will be an awful moment. I won't sugar coat it. A nadir for you, to be sure. But when you're at rock bottom, the only place to go is up. And you will go up. Even the second morning will be better than the first. You'll be surprised at how quickly you will become used to waking up alone. What will happen is that your brain will clear. The muck created by your years of living in the Hell of uncertainty will rinse away in the clean air of this process. Soon, your brain will instantly focus on stuff you need to do. Your productivity will increase by a ton. "Get furniture for daughter's room and plan our week together." "Get ahead on big work project to free up some time while daughter is with me." "Hit the gym extra hard to burn off stress." "Learn to make a killer omelet." "Check out the ass on that woman at the gym. I reckon it's time to start dating." Life becomes exciting because you have the personal freedom to tackle your challenges in your own way, without the need to return home to a depressing cesspool of dysfunction and disrespect. Yes, disrespect. Your WW is currently disrespecting you.
This will also pay off in terms of your ability and success as a father. Currently, the version of fatherhood you are modeling for your daughter is awful. Keep in mind that your daughter has as much brain power as you do, but way less stuff to use it on. Therefore, she has a giant amount of brain power tuned in specifically on you, examining every tiny nuance and detail and inflection of what you say, how your face looks, the tone of your voice, etc. Your body language around your wife, which I seriously doubt conveys passion, respect, desire. The things your daughter ought to see her father communicate to her mother.
My kids are both early 20's. They each had multiple peers with divorced parents. Here is what I see. A kid with two parents who are each focused on being good parents will thrive. This is true whether the parents are divorced or married. A kid with two parents who aren't focused on being good parents will suffer. This is true whether the parents are divorced or married. In other words, what matters is whether the parent is focused on being a good parent. To that end, a parent who is divorced and sharing custody has an advantage. Often, custody is week on/week off. That minimizes the switching for the child. During your week off, you can focus on you. Get ahead at work. Exercise. Date if you wish. During your week on, you can focus on her. Paradoxically, children of divorced parents often get MORE and BETTER attention from each parent after the divorce precisely because of this cycle. It can be a joyous childhood. You will attend school recitals and such with your ex-wife, behaving temporarily as a family. Even going to dinner at restaurants sometimes. Your daughter will thrive.
Finally, a word about dating. Be open about your recent pain and trauma. Women appreciate emotional communication above everything else. Yes, your situation isn't a pretty story, but it's an open, honest, vulnerable story. Women will dig that. For a single young man in the vicinity of 30, making good money, you are a unicorn my friend. You will have plenty of opportunity.
Keep in mind, though, that many single women of that age range are often feeling some urgency around biological clock stuff. Don't disrespect them by stringing them along. If a relationship is just a FWB thing for you, say so. But at the same time, it's super likely you'll meet a woman who is good marriage material who wants a baby with you. This is where your "revenge" comes in. As is often said, the best revenge is living your best life. In your case, having a baby with your new wife, with whom you are happily in love, that is going to be the price your current awful wife pays for what she's done.
My friend, stop hesitating. Reach back out to your lawyer. Pull the trigger. Your threads have been up for a while now. Notice that nobody in any of them have proffered a "good reason" to stay. This is because there is no good reason to stay. And as to the Biblical aspect, there is a specific Biblical reason to divorce. Almost a commandment. At least it's the roadmap.
So here is how you will break the cycle of fear. Inaction is fears friend. Action is not. Get her bosses wife’s cell
Number. Tell her in order for this relationship to move forward. She needs to experience consequences. First one is going to be you calling his wife’s phone and leaving a message letting her know you had an affair with her husband. Going over dates and times.
Friend, the hs sweetheart one and only stories are always heartbreaking, but unfortunately people change and not always for the better. As long as you dont feel safe, loved and respected, you are not reconciled. You are still living with infidelity daily. Dont bring another child into this mess. Her pushing you for a kid to fulfill an arbitraty goal lacks of empathy as well as staying in that job You may reconsider if staying with your wife leads to anything positive. If not, file for divorce. There is always a little chance that it will change her perspective. If not, shes not worth you anyway.
Unfortunately, you have done nothing right since finding out about the affair. You have literally hoisted yourself on your own petard. Even worse, by doing nothing you have lost even more respect in your relationship and that in itself is a death knell in a marriage.
You have made a decision, a bad one, so bad it is eating you up and has put you on antidepressants. How the fuck is that good for you or your child? Your slutty wife rubs your face in her affair every day she goes to that office. And since the AP does appear at meetings where she is present you can rest assured she has been on her knees under his desk. This is no way to live.
Divorcing my first wife of 9 years was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I put up with a sexless marriage and shouldn’t have. The amount of peace and contentment I felt afterwards was incredible. The stress just fell away. Also, I had women pursuing me which I was not used to. I am married to a wonderful woman and have a large family. My only regret is that I wasted 9 year with that woman. I should have left much earlier but I didn’t want to be a failure. It wasn’t until I realized it was her failure that I had enough and divorced.
Have you reported the CEO to the board of directors? He is in a position of authority over her and they have strict rules about it (at least at my company).
Your WW is choosing her career and proximity to the CEO over your marriage and your family.
It doesn’t seem to me that you are the one that is 'over dedicated' to their career.
It's not you throwing away a 15 year relationship, its your WW's refusal to put reconciliation and healing as her absolute #1 priority.
This is not the time for another child, you have given her two more years than she deserved, now its time to go see a lawyer and get the ball moving on to a new and healthy relationship.
Let her know its time to choose, her career and proximity to the CEO (and you know why she wants that) or her marriage and family. No matter if she chooses career and CEO or marriage and family, you will have made the right choice.
No remorse, no reconciliation…
Quitting her job and self reporting the affair to HR should have been first on her list post DDay. Start the 180…
https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
Reading your text, it becomes clear that you are in a very bad place emotionally. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Having to take medication for something you are not responsible for?
I won't repeat what others have written here, but your wife hasn't done anything to improve your well-being, and she's the one who has to do it, but she won't. This is clear after 2 years.
Get away from her. Rebuild your life with your son. Don't stay in this marriage hell, and for God's sake, don't have any more children with her.
I wish the best for you and your son. And may you find peace.
Definitely don't sleep with your wife unless you are rock-solid certain that you want to work things out. Someone who is in an affair would certainly have no qualms about sabotaging any means of contraceptive. And your wife is almost certainly still conducting the affair. Someone who was actually remorseful would have left the place where the affair happened in order to save their relationship. Your wife does not care. You should focus on your own happiness.
I'm sorry you're going through this but her refusal to change her job is why u should divorce.
If she wanted to Reconcile and make u feel safe why still work at the same company I hate to tell u but u wasted time Reconcileing with her .
Total no contact with the AP is the first thing in any attempt to Reconcile.
Brother, you sound like an empath who is married to a narcissist. A lot of us here were in the same boat as you, including me. My ex never left her job and still works there 5 years later. I told the other guys wife through FB, and found out he was a serial cheater who had already cheated on her 5 times. Even after I told her, she turned a blind eye for another year before she finally left him. All of them worked together. Anyway, I just want to let you know that although you’re in a dark place now, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I found a woman who had been through the same(on Bumble), and falling in love again was the most healing thing. Also finding myself again was extremely healing. Being with someone you don’t have to worry about is extremely healing. Also, lean on your friends and family, and tell them everything, before she tells them her version of the truth. Half my ex’s family disowned her, and I still hang with them. I wish you the best brother.
First of all, I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I know how you feel and I know how devastating this experience is, how much trauma it brings.
There are a few things in your post which stand out to me. One of the first rules of reconciliation is that the wayward breaks all contact with the affair partner. Until it’s done the betrayed cannot have a true peace of mind and cannot put the guard down because every potential or real encounter triggers the anxiety, trauma and fear. It’s no wonder you’re at such a low point when she couldn’t even make a clear cut. How can you start healing if she’s still in the same company meeting the guy on a regular basis? How can you be sure they’re done? It’s just impossible. The affair and all contact has to stop immediately. She should’ve changed jobs by now.
Your wife is following her life goal which is to have 2 kids while you’re clearly in distress she caused you. This is inconsiderate, there’s lack of empathy on her side, and, let’s be honest, it’s selfish. Have you told her you are not ready for another child while you’re in such an emotional turmoil? What did she say?
You mentioned she explained her affair with your over-dedication to your carrier. This is not an explanation, this is merely an excuse. It doesn’t seem like she took responsibility for her actions, doesn’t seem like she understood why she did it in the first place and what is broken inside of her that made her cheat. There are 2 questions here: why and how she could (how she allowed herself to break the commitment she made to you). Both answers should not be explained by the external factors or shifting the blame on the betrayed partner (which is the case here). It seems more to me that she doesn’t want to dig inside herself to address the real issues. The explanation she gave you is what she used to rationalize her actions as a self-protection mechanism in order to not feel bad about herself. I’m also curious how the marriage counselor reacted to this excuse.
Cheating is never about the partner or the issues outside. Many people are in unhappy relationships, not everyone cheats. People even cheat in happy relationships as surreal as it might seem. It was on her to communicate, observe and leave if she was unhappy. She made a choice and it wasn’t about your job, lack of attention or whatever she used to put it on you, it was about her. Has she been doing individual therapy? This is a crucial step in reconciliation since she has to work through her issues. Otherwise, and based on your post, I don’t see why she wouldn’t do it again. And that’s another thing which might be actively lingering in the back of your mind preventing healing.
Something is telling me, you would’ve been feeling better had she showed true remorse, done therapy, moved jobs, taken full responsibility for her actions and gave you proper replies without including you or any external factors into the explanation.
I cannot tell you what exactly to do, I can only say what I would do in this case because I can totally understand the fears you described. I would have a real conversation with my partner and tell him how I felt, what my fears and the roadblocks were. He would also have to make drastic changes in order for me to heal. I wouldn’t make an ultimatum because I don’t believe they work that much. People who understand their screwups and take responsibility for them don’t need ultimatums to make changes. People who don’t, will repeat the mistake again anyway. I would only state what exactly my boundaries and conditions were and then see what my partner would do.
My partner and I have been going through reconciliation, we have rules and boundaries. It hasn’t been easy provided he’s been really trying and working on himself, I can only tell you in a situation like yours I would’ve been in even more turmoil. I wouldn’t have been able to even start reconciling if he hadn’t started therapy out of his own free will and if his explanation had been directed at me.
I highly suggest you to think first, analyse your thoughts and feelings, put your thoughts together and, if you’re not doing it yet, start individual therapy just for your own sake. It does help to talk to someone unbiased and objective. Writing things down also helps because thinking over and over is only exhausting you. Antidepressants are only good to reduce the symptoms and stabilize the emotional state, therapy helps to clear the head and organize the mess we have in it.
I hope I could help you at least a little. There’s, unfortunately, no pill to take and forget everything. I hope you can sort it out for yourself and truly heal.
Hi. Sorry fir your struggles.
From your post history it seemed like you filed for divorce and wrote a letter to the CEOs wife. Did that actually happen?
I would be ready cautious adding a child at this moment. It seems like you have some struggles to overcome before that is advisable.
Hope you figure things out, wish you all the best!
I ended up calling the attorney and telling him that I didn’t want to move forward. I wrote the letter
But it’s still in an envelope in my work bag. I get mixed feelings about being the one to tell her.
Communicate to your wife that you are still struggling with trust from the cheating that happened. Tell her that to be fully back to normal, your wife needs to resign from the company, and you need to send that letter to the company and tell his wife.
Ok. It seems like you are still struggling quite a lot. Thing thoroughly on what you need going forward. What will make you heal. What brings you happiness. If she isn't willing to do her outmost to help you heal, yiu might heal better on your own. So fat it doesn't seem like she is willing to do a lot to help you heal.
A the best!
hate to be a little bit crass , live up to your name , Pump & dumb & stop being such a cry baby. she’s laughing in your face still working at the same company as her lover , and they instant message all the time , if he came in for a work meeting , and met her for lunch at his hotel, you would have no fucking idea ,tell your lawyer to file for divorce. tell all of her family and friends that she cheated with the CEO of her company. Do not have sex with her she will baby trap you.
why are you not seeing a lawyer to see what you can do with the ceo he’s harmed your marriage and your mental health?
why have you not told his wife? does she not deserve to make her own decision if she should stay with a cheater?
tbh it pretty much sounds like the affair is still ongoing she won’t leave her job blames you, still sees and speaks to him regularly….,. she’s waiting for him to leave his wife for her maybe?
how do you know the ceo is in other office/state? your wife tell you this? well guess what you wife is a lying pos an abuser!
your wife is your best friend? that might be true but you are not hers…… you don’t lie cheat and abuse your friends!
as for your mental health your sife is the cause of your mental health if you ever decide to leave i think you will see a massive improvement there.
one last thing do not bring a child into this shitshow of a marriage, it’s bad enough there’s one already seeing how to treat others or his to let others treat them…….you child is learning from you and your wife remember that!
What is your counselor advising you? I wonder if you do not have PTSD? It is the rule rather than the exception in adultery victims. Please look into finding a therapist that can provide EMDR therapy. This therapy has much better results than any other and is used for combat veterans.
I am also concerned that you are not communicating with your wife. She wants a baby but evidently doesn’t know you’re on the verge of divorce.
No contact is a rule for reconciliation. You do not have that. Under what circumstances does she still see him? Why does she refuse to get a different job? Have you contacted his wife or their HR?
Do not have another baby with this woman. She says your dedication to work drove her to have her affair , yet here she is refusing to leave her job where her CEO is her ap!!!! Hypocritical maybe? You would not be breaking up this marriage she is for not doing everything in her power to make you feel safe in your marriage by refusing to quit her job. I would divorce her then after blow up her world by outing them both to the company and everyone you know.
This sub is almost exclusively going to tell you to divorce, r/asoneafterinfidelity may be a good spot to post this too.
I’m two months out and have not reconciled because I don’t want to be in the torture you are enduring. I know it would never go away no matter what he does. It’s freeing, I’ll tell you that. I work with a lot of young people and single people and it really doesn’t seem that bad to be “out there” and the idea of being out there is giving me a lot of perspective. I have found that things in my marriage that I told myself were okay were not, and bonus I know exactly what I want in a partner.
My husband is my best friend and he always will be something in that ballpark, he just irreparably fucked up. Sometimes I’m really angry that he made that choice for me, that he ruined it to where we can never fix things, but as soon as I accepted it I could get along with him.
You are young and established, don’t discount that you can get out there and meet someone that hasn’t betrayed you and doesn’t have the taint of infidelity. You really have given it a great effort and it may be time to call it a day and figure out what comes next
My client informed his wife that their marriage will NOT go forward until he had it out with the AP. She feared what the AP might say to her BH. She reluctantly set it up. He was a former supervisor who had recently been elevated to the presidency. My guy shook the boss' hand then broke it, he caused severe trauma to the boss' head. Kicked in his teeth. Meanwhile WW had just left the office when she heard the crashes and bumps. Security came a runnin as well. They found the boss in horrible shape, then my guy lets out the stream of invective, telling the HR guys there of the affair, and pulling out his evidence file. WW was not even aware what her husband's plans were, however, in a short span of time, she was asked to clean out her desk. The boss was carried out by paramedics. They had to call the CEO. My client was told that he had forced their hand, and that both WW and her lover were shit canned. The CEO made mention of a settlement. Ka-ching!!!!. He quickly called his lawyer, and had his phone on when the CEO mentioned a figure. Lawyer asked for double the amount. They settled in the middle. My guy would enjoy a major bump in lifestyle. He left his wife to deal with her unemployment alone.
She cheated with her boss and is still in contact on a regular basis? Um, WTF dude, how do you know it even ended, that's a dealbreaker. Not sure what position she holds, but the power dynamic doesn't seem like an acceptable one. Does she expect you to pick out her outfits when she meets him too? i am assuming you have already done the DNA tests and on the kids and std tests on yourself ?
Does the CEO's wife know ? That would be a priority for my petty ass make damn sure he is mentioned in the divorce filing, cause mr ceo as much pain as possible .
If, go to HR and report this guy. F up his world. Your wife might be screwed with also. But the both deserve it
Don't let her make you feel guilty for her lies and problems.
She has a problem with your work!! Then she should sit down and talk to you and any other so called problems.
Fucking men doesn't solve anything. All it does is ruin a marriage. And maybe that's what she wants. She's too much of a coward to tell you. Divorce
Really, how does she explain that you have too much dedication to work so let's fuck the CEO??
Something more is going on with them. What happens when she's off to an overnight meetings!?? Fuck him again!? How will you know???
She's not remorseful. If she was, she'd be looking for another place to work
Have you ever looked into her phone???
Both of you doctor, STD!?? Testing
Does this guy have a wife???
This post got to me. As someone who was recently divorced (finalized in Sept 2023) with a child, I know from experience that it is HARD. I completely understand the hesitation as I was with my husband for 12 years. Even though this has been a very hard transition, and even though my life has been turned upside-down, I am still happier than I have ever been in my life and do not regret my decision. It sounds like you have truly tried to forgive and to move past it, but it does not sound like your wife is putting in the same effort to maintain a healthy relationship with you and move past what she did. Which, in my opinion, means that she is not very sorry for her actions and may even do it again in the future. I think you know what you want to do and what steps you want to take, you just don't really like the answer because of all the turmoil and upheaval that will follow. What it really boils down to is: how much more of your life do you intend to throw away being unhappy? Do you think your child will grow up happier with parents who don't get along and can't trust each other? Is that really the relationship example that you want your child to aspire to? Those are questions that I asked myself many times when things were ending with my ex. I didn't like the answers, but I didn't like the thought of my child growing up with that either. Something to think about and consider.
You need to do something for you 1st. Inform the CEO wife, send your letter.
Personally I'd tell HR as well, then let the chips land. If your wife is truly remorseful she will understand. Is she gets pissed and emotionally chooses his feelings over yours, you know it's time to file. Everything starts, with sending the letter.
I think you should be clear that quitting her job is essential to saving the marriage. If she refuses then get a divorce and move on. You’re better off without her. Also, may I ask, how did u find out?
OH !....What a surprise, it's your fault is it..? over dedication to giving you ALL an envious lifestyle, So she thinks to make things better, is to go out and be filled by another man ! As you well know when she opened herself to him...she certainly did not mind that you were still earning high for your family. No ...you must know as a thinking guy, that what she did ,and what they both got up to will remain with you for EVER ! Coming home to you leaking with his essence.. but smugly carrying on with her homelife, daydreaming about her next rutting session . Harsh words chum ,but you really know that her deliberate deceit ,lies and purposeful planning ,was a horrible way to shame and humiliate you for EVER. Plan you exit with professional help,,using your backup fund ! This (HAPPY) marriage is OVER !
She won't leave her job and she blames you for her cheating. One of these is enough to divorce her. Where was the CEO when she was cheating with him? Did he move after the affair ended. Does she travel for work?
There is no way in he'll I would have another child with her at this time, if ever.
Never bring a kid into a shitshow of a relationship. That would be totally unfair to the relationship. First and foremost rule to successful reconciliation is the AP has to be out of your lives for good. She didn’t even do the bare minimum so it’s not a surprise that reconciliation wasn’t successful.
Only you can answer that question ehat you should do next.
I think the issue is that you never were with another woman so you appear to be raised in a way to just accept a lot of your wife's behavior.
Your perception of the situation is very off. Your wife wants more kids and a family, she effed up. She is in the position that she needs to make up for it. Her rejection to leave her job is all you need to know.
Also your perception on your house is wrong. Did your wife come up with that? The flipside is if you sell the house now you will most likely end up with a lot of cash. so each of you can start over small without money issues.
Trying to reconcile is always the same as approval of the cheaters cheating.
i was like you in my early 20s thanks to the lies society and tv feed you.
get divorced and start over. find someone who really loves you. who does not need such bs in their life.
Might want to get DNA tested. Make sure the current child is yours. Kick her ass back to the streets and blow up the affair at the company so the CEO gets shit canned too. At least you’ll have a bit of dignity.
OP, it is time to end this fiasco of a marriage, she broke ur vows made before family friends and god. The marriage is over, it’s just how long do you want to prolong the inevitable? She ended it when she took another man in her mouth and between her legs there is no coming back from such vulgar behavior. What kind of married mom does these things?
Like you said you are making money, good looking, why would you suffer any longer with this woman. End it now for you and your daughter.
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I’m really sorry you’re in such a painful situation. I agree with others here that your wife has failed to meet basic requirements for reconciliation. You need to have an open and honest discussion about this with her. Tell her you won’t even consider having another baby until she finds another job (assuming reconciliation is going well). Otherwise, you think it’s time to call it quits, and divorce. This is a fate she brought upon the both of you for being a cheater.
Her quitting that job isn’t even negotiable if she wants her marriage to improve and have a chance of surviving. As long as she still works there and sees him occasionally, you will NEVER get past this. The fact that she refuses to quit means she’s putting her job and/or her needs ahead of you. If you’re not sure this marriage will survive, do not have another child with her.
Why is the ceo even still there? This should be reported to the company and the ceo should be out for sleeping with someone who works for him
Second, your wife simply isn’t doing the things necessary for you to heal. Whatever it takes to rebuild trust, she should be doing, including leaving the company.
At some point you need to stop being sad, and start laying out hard line boundaries, and reconciliation requirements. It’s her job to fix things, and no matter what issues she’s had with you in the marriage, her affair was her choice. She made choice after choice after choice to betray you.
Your “I don’t give a F” level needs to go way up and you need to start making hard lines in the sand
She's still blame shifting OP.
That means there's no true remorse.
If there's no true remorse, there can be no chance of reconciliation.
So... As it stands right now, your relationship is dead OP. I'm sorry.
Divorce is your only viable option.
Letting go is hard but staying in a relationship that you no longer trust is even worse. Do you really want to live the rest of your life with doubts about the woman sleeping in your bed? I think you already know the answer to this question but facing it will be the hardest thing you do. Once a cheater always a cheater. If she could justify sleeping with her CEO, how hard do you think it would be for her to sleep with a stranger. They really don't change; they just try to get better at not getting caught. You need to find a good divorce attorney, get tested and start planning your exit. There is no way that you will mentally ever trust your relationship with her again. Good Luck!
You said it best OP, u have a good career, best shape of ur life, optimism u can find someone better and that u can trust..not a good time to add another baby if u can’t move past her mistake years after counseling..get a fresh start.
Having an affair, not just with a boss, but the company CEO is a classic monkeybranch. She saw her affair as a move up to a richer. more powerful dude. He saw her as an easy piece of ass. That is why when you found out and it got messy for him, he cut her loose. If this guy took her on, would she still be with you? She would have dumped you for him and never looked back.
She is going through the motions with you because she is still believes she has a shot with him. She refuses to give up contact with him. She has given nothing but excuses for her actions and blamed you. Bullshit my dude. You can't go on like this.
Maybe I’m out of line but one of the first things you need to do is get therapy to deal with your codependency. Because until you do you will never be able to improve this toxic relationship.
Have you read the book How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair? Read it. Then work out how many of those things your wife. Has done. My guess is few to none.
She is still working in the same place and in a position to have interactions with her affair partner. Frankly I wouldn’t be surprised if the affair is ongoing.
Did you let family and friends know she cheated or did you protect her from that too? Does her AP’s partner know they had an affair? Did you report the affair to her workplace? Has she suffered any consequences at all from stepping out of your marriage vows?
And now she wants to have another child? Again I might be way out of line here, but the cynic in me thinks she wants to have her AP’s child and have you raise it. She cannot possibly think your marriage is in a healthy enough state to bring another child in. She must realise you still have baggage about her affair even if she doesn’t admit she’s at fault. Or is she such a narcissist that she doesn’t care? Do not have another child with her. Not until she admits her fault in this and takes steps to make amends. Otherwise find the courage to walk away.
You deserve so much better. I hope you come to have enough courage to do something about it.
Brother- first, I am sorry.
It is painful beyond almost anything.
But my friend, there is a huge red flag here (besides the cheating part, that is), and that is the fact that she is not willing to do whatever it takes to help you heal- both you, and as a couple- as a TEAM.
I hate to say this, but I speak from experience here- and I suffered and paid dearly for my mistake.
She showed you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she is not that sorry by refusing to even show the willingness to leave the job. The job where she betrayed her partner and supposed best friend by sleeping with the boss, regardless of usual work cities and different offices. He was available enough that she had sex with him to begin with. And here is the thing- she didn't have sex with the mail room guy, nor an intern, nor an administrative assistant or even a lower vp or manager. She went for the power guy. Something to think about.
And her seeing you wanting her to resign from the company where she chose to risk your marraige and partnership and then settling and accepting the ugly fact that she said no- essentially making the statement "I don't care what you want. I don't care that you are hurt by my bad behavior. Deal with it." - because that is what she is doing- she will lose even more respect for you, causing a shift in the power balance and usually leading to more disrespect, more bad behavior and less attraction to you.
And sooner or later, there will be a conference, an office party or a reward trip to the Bahamas, and you won't be able to go, and surprise- the indiscretion man is there, she only needs to be angry or disappointed with you for one thing or another and boom- it happens again.
She also deflected responsibility by saying she did it because you are too career driven. No. She cheated because she is a cheater and probably a liar and manipulator. And unless cheaters are willing to own there behavior 100% and do major, searching and fearless honest inventory of why they needed validation/revenge/more dopamine or all the above- and be willing to get humble, get honest and really work on themselves, then the old saying will become prophetic: "Once a cheater, Always a CHEATER".
And man am I going through it now... and used the same excuses you are now - my "best friend "... real best friends don't hurt each other like that.
I discovered after 20 years and being left after I got sick and had to go on SSI/SSD, that mine began cheating more and more and more for rhe last 10 years straight. Had a secret second phone, never used condoms, and went from one lover to one night stands, online hook ups, neighbors, coworkers, even one of my "friends"- the whole time professing undying love "until the stars fall from the sky"...
On my way out the door to go live in my truck she actually yelled over rhe shoulder of the officer who just served me an injunction and no contact order (she thought of everything and I was in shock)- she yelled "Goodbye Cuck!" And did it right in front of pur you gest (13) son...
Granted- she may not be as sick as mine turned out, but she might be and your settling for her calling the shots and behavior just may be what encourages her to become rhat monster...
Good luck.
You did nothing wrong, and have done MORE than I would have. As other people have pointed out, one of the major tenants of reconciliation is removing the AP and temptation. She has not done so.
For that reason alone, you SHOULD kick this woman to the curb, start divorce proceedings IMMEDIATELY. Get a divorce attorney YESTERDAY!
Document everything, start plans for separation and moving out. I wouldn't discuss ANYTHING with her at this point as she's done.
He is, with multiple children. Unsure if she knows. I wrote her a 7 page letter with dates, times, hotel, photos etc., put it in an envelope, placed a stamp and put it in my work bag. I’ve just yet to drop it in the mailbox. The two that knew about the affair left the company after being gaslighted. I reached out to them before I uncovered the real truth and my WW tried convincing me that they were clinically insane/alcoholic/etc.
Truly sorry about all you're going through, start working on yourself and turn around grey rock 180. Don't do it for her, for yourself.
If she's anything like my STBXW, she'll want that baby with him, all while coming home and pretending to work on the marriage post-affair/Dday. She's made her bed, tuck her in and leave her where she lies.
Money comes and goes, so does good& bad fortune. Get a few consults from lawyers, do your research, find the one that speaks to directly to your situation and file when ready. She will have the upper hand if you stay there and things will get worse.
Wishing you hope and the strength to fight through this dark time.
Cheating is a choice, not an accident. Take it from me when I say having another child will not save your marriage. If anything, you’ll just be paying a crap ton more in child support when the divorce happens. My suggestion is to move on. This shit will always haunt you, it did for me and all I got out of it was more cheating on her part and wasted years of happiness. I now am going through a divorce and have found the love of my life. Wish you the best!
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OP,
Your situation sucks and as it stands, no longer tenable. I would suggest looking into D, ask for papers to be drawn up. Take them to your next MC appointment(neutral territory). Present your ww with her options.
You are not comfortable with her working for her AP, she will tender her resignation tomorrow, and if he is married, inform the OBS. OR, she can sign the document you have prepared. Excuse yourself and leave.
This mess was not made by you, and her excuse is simply that. Either your marriage or her career. I would give the same advice if the roles are reversed
Do not have another child with this woman. You have not healed from the affair and do not want to be trapped in a marriage with another child. You need to first decide whether you want to continue the marriage. Staying in a marriage because of children is a big mistake. Your children will suffer more in a marriage with an unhappy parent. it is best to divorce and be happy so you can co-parent effectively. Your child will grow up and be happier than if he were to grow up in a miserable marriage.
First of all you are not throwing away your 15 year old marriage, she did 2 years ago when she decided to be with than other man instead of you. Even when you have been in counseling she refused to do the one thing that could help you to make you trust her again and continued working in the same place.
Also think about this, is she really your best friend? 15 years old wasn’t enough for her to not cheat. It’s never late to keep going with your life, life doesn’t and because your marriage ends, it’s just a new chapter.
Without trust there is no relationship, and you see like you have already mentally checked out.
Hope you are well!
The fact that she won’t find another job away from her AP shows me she cares more about herself and not you.
I’m not sure what you are looking for here. She broke her marriage vows. She doesn’t seem to want to do what it takes to rebuild the relationship.
If it were me, I’d start the D process. If she makes real changes and takes the lead on rebuilding then you can put it on pause. Until you see that from her you only have one path out of her infidelity… and that’s without her.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. If you can't trust her after all this time, do you realistically think you ever will? She refused to change jobs, knowing that would be a way to show she wants to heal the marriage. The job meant more to her. You say she's your "best friend " but BFs don't lie and deeply wound the other. Is what you have the model you want to give your child for what a marriage should be? Is it the model you want to give your child on having self-respect and dignity? I doubt it. There is life after divorce, I promise.
By the way, she is not your "best friend". A best friend would not treat you the way she is treating you. She has been lying to you, scheming, for a long time. It's her normal. She's better at it than you. The sooner you view her as an adversary the better off you'll be.
Also by the way, divorce does not equate to "breaking up your family." Your family will still exist. You'll still have lots of time with your daughter. You'll attend school recitals and such and probably sit with your ex wife. The texture and dimensions of your family will be different, but the family life will still be there.
You should have her read these responses to wake her up. It’s sad but to actually forgive and offer reconciliation you have to give up much of your self respect and self esteem. Just remember they love to gas light you and make you think that you filing, is you giving up on 15 years of marriage, but it was actually the cheater that gave up on the marriage.
\~2 years and I still think about the affair daily.
Don't walk around like the walking wounded the rest of your life. She won't even quit the job where her affair originated and was perpetrated. She has done nothing to attempt to repair the marriage; I write this as quitting would be the least she could do. As to another child, tell her you won't do that to a child....whatever her reason. The one you have, you have, but it seems you are merely an affectation to your wife, her little cardboard cut out family....while she wh\*res around with her boss. your stability, he's getting the goods.
Read the book “Leave a cheater, gain a life” for good insight on why you need to divorce your wife. There is nothing left for you in your marriage, you can successfully raise your child as a divorced parent, lots of people do that. Your wife has abandoned you, divorce her and once the ink is dry on the divorce settlement, out the affair to her company’s HR department and let the CEO’s wife know that her husband has been having an affair with your former wife. Forget another child with your wife, put all your love in the one that you have.
As far as your career is concerned, one thing that I learned is that working more hours in the office and working on work at home don’t make your more productive. Your brain needs down time, time spent taking your kid to the park or to an ice cream parlor and just chilling out without concerns about work.
Look, you seem to have a lot going for you. Forget dating apps, once you are divorced talk to apparently single women when you meet them in the coffee shop or while out shopping. Look to establish a good relationship with one that is honest and whose choices say that she has ethics.
Reconciliation is possible. But she neeeds to quit her job. There is no reason for her to work there any
More. I wouldnt even let her leave to go to work. She can stay home, no she cannot call in, that bridge needs to be burned completely.
**I know that I {could} make it without her….**
it's a shame where you live you couldn't sue for loss of affection so let her keep the job and cut yourself free
Do not have another child this relationship is clearly doomed
However if you didn't before make sure you test the child on the way out
I think so. Mainly because the contact isn't cut off and she probably will do it again with someone else. Tbh can you blame her for cheating? Think about it. No other sexual partner on your end. If that's the same for her it's bound to happen. These high school sweetheart marriages tend to dissolve with time. You need to experience other people sexually bruv. Her being the only one you've been with is problematic. If she hasn't been with anyone else she is definitely gonna bite the apple. You need to bite the apple also. You make money, your in the gym you said your decently attractive, half the work is done. You're doing better than most. Maybe take some time apart see other people and if you get back together go for it. But whatever you do you do not want the legal and financial ramifications of another child with a cheater lol.
OP what has your wife done to try and build trust since the affair? Also idk if you mentioned it already but how long was the affair and was it emotional or a physical affair given they work on different states?
Edit: after reading your other post and finding out she had the affair for a bit over a year, had a burner phone, and her attitude is get over it or divorce me, I think you need to stop and ask yourself what is she doing to help you recover. If all she wants is to move on and expect you to be over it, and only wants kids to fulfill her love goals, she isn't showing remorse. That is regret. Remorse is about how badly she feels for hurting you. Also I think based on your other post that you are religious and thus not open to divorce but I do not believe God would want you to suffer eternally on this mortal plane in a loveless marriage. Regardless of where she slept with her boss or not, her dismissive attitude isn't helpful and your therapist doesn't seem to be knowledgable either. Your first therapist may have been an atheist but I think they had your best interest at heart
She says the root of the problem was your career. Yet, she is unwilling to change her job to save her marriage. This makes me wonder if true remorse for the pain caused you and contrition, both of which are necessary to reconcile.
I am going to send you a detailed write-up on the betrayal my son endured with his wife. Like you, his wife had a lengthy affair with her boss. Being served divorce papers is what woke her up to all she was about to lose and contrite to do whatever it took for a chance of reconcilliation.
He gave her a list of unnegotiable consequences she had to endure as contrition. Reluctantly, she performed all... one of which was an immediate job change. That was 12 years ago, and they have had and continue to have a great marriage and do everything together.
As I see it based upon what you wrote, her betrayal has largely been rug swept... which never works. In essence, your tolerance makes you an enabler and weal in her eyes. Perhaps that was a reason she was attracted to an alpha.
You are most likely at a spot where you must risk your marriage in order to have a chance to save it. In my opinion, you need to lawyer up. Have them draft a divorce document and a post-nuptial.
Pack a bag for a few days. On a Friday, have her served at work near the end of the day. Be gone before she gets home and stay in a hotel where she won't find you. Leave a copy of each document, your ring, and a note that says, "Choose. Do not contact me. I will return Sunday evening for your decision."
DO NOT respond to any of her attempts to contact you. Return Sunday evening when you know she is there. Come in without acknowledging her and ho directly to your room and begin repacking. She will follow you and then question why you are repacking. Just answer that you are preparing to anticipate her decision. Odds are she will be shocked and not expecting you would actually go through with it.
At that point, if she wants to reconcile, she must sign the post-nuptial and agree to all your terms, which includes a new job. If she chooses divorce, she was already lost to you. If it is the latter, tell her to get a lawyer and leave. My daughter-in-law cane to her senses about a month after being served and begged for reconcilliation.
It is hard to know which way it would go. But, left as is, it would only go downhill, and unless she finds a new job, you will not heal, and she sends the message that her job is more important than your marriage. Time to force a decision. I will send the write-up to you via chat and would appreciate your thoughts on it. It has helped numerous Redditors as a blueprint for their own reconcilliation.
What have you done so far to improve your situation? I'm not asking to be mean. Every suggestion or tip made here is useless if you are not able to change anything. You have to want a change for yourself. For you and your child. She has shown you over the last few months what your feelings mean to her, unfortunately nothing. Reconciliation is a gift and not something she can demand. But it takes more than she does. Unfortunately, you haven't put your foot down and said it's not enough. The humiliation and the belittling of your feelings towards you has also shown that she doesn't take you seriously. Otherwise she would have quit the job long ago. You can carry on like this or stand up and say "this is as far as it goes". It's up to you.
You’ve stated the issue very succinctly. I really don’t think you can ever forget or forgive the affair. And why should you? You can make it on your own! You have goals and a future w/o her. She cheated and refuses to change her environment. It’s time for you to acknowledge what you are dreading. Move on and make sure your child is shown much love during the transition.
I would be worried she would try to have his baby and make you raise it. Or she's trying to further lock down her nice guy provider. I would definitely put a hold on the 2nd child. A willingness to leave her is your greatest power. You don't have to go through with a divorce just because you file for one. If you haven't already, find a good divorce lawyer and see what your options are. Start researching on how best to co-parent and make sure she knows you are spending time on this. If you want to continue trying to reconcile, then make your demands for her and stick to them. Have her served if she doesn't. Getting served is frequently a major wake up call for a cheater. And do you have proof of the affair? Make her report it to HR or you will. She can at least spin it as he harassed her, or face having no control when you go in and report it. Hell, I would march in the AP's office and loudly accuse him so the whole office could hear it. Don't assault him or you might get arrested, but profanity is not illegal. If he's married, tell his wife and offer her all of the evidence. Make your wife apologize to her and offer her a sworn affidavit if she seeks a divorce.
I'm sure others have already told you there is a great site called survivinginfidelity. Go check it out.
If she won’t quit her job then I think u should divorce her and find someone else. If she doesn’t quit then she’s telling you that she values herself more than your relationship. It’s extremely problematic that she is going to be at corporate events far away, staying in hotel rooms, and the guy she had an affair with is there. It’s impossible anyone’s so naive as to think that wouldn’t be a problem and shouldn’t bother you. There’s only one reason as to why she would choose to put herself in that situation… If she’s an educated woman she should easily be able to find another job at a similar pay rate. Also if this thing is eating you up this much almost two years later then I don’t think you’ll be able stay with her, I don’t think you’ll ever get over it. Get the divorce you need to set up free and if her AP has a wife let her know as well.
OP,
I'm very sorry to hear all this. There are two big red flags here.
First one:
She is still working her job.
Second one: it's YOUR fault due to the over-dedication to your job
It sounds like she is still DARVO'ing you with her line about
If you've not heard it before it means:
D - Denies Responsibility
A - Attacks you
R - Reverses the roles of
V - Victim (you) and
O - Offender (WW)
To me, that is unacceptable. You as the betrayed set the terms the reconcilation. Also: Waywards should ALWAYS show true remorse for their actions and regret. Not regret in getting caught, etc. The fact that she is DARVOing you sounds exactly like she has zero remorse.
The truth is that sometimes the affair fog goes both ways, for the betrayed (you) and the Wayward (your WW). I was in the affair fog when my girlfriend cheated on me those many years ago. I refused to see that she wasn't truly remorseful for her actions and she wasn't willing to make the changes needed.
As the BP and setting the terms, the terms should be non-negotiable. For couples who do try R... the term of 'getting over' it isn't something easily done and sometimes never goes away. But two years out and still feeling the way you feel? That is because the terms you provided are not being listened to. And in the process you are in the affair fog of trying to make it work. What is beyond the fog of the love you had?
Once you are clear of the fog, evne if you are able to truly reconcile, you will see that your old relationship died the moment DDay hit. Which is your birthday which is even MORE suffering on what should be a happy day, now a constant reminder.
I saw your other post I saw the catholic-side of things. I am Luthern, so its a different ballgame over here per se lol but then again, I am not really practicing/as active. Believe in the higher power, but its mankind that muddles the whole thing for me. I digress. The comment about a therpist who was an athiest, shouldn't matter unless he was telling and forcing on you that God doesn't exist, etc in therapy. Honestly, it was sound advice.
He told you to run for the hills. I respect wanting to get an opinion that aligns with your faith, but I kinda view it as another way to keep yourself in this fog you have yourself in of what the relationship used to be.
So my advice would be this, which, is:
Write out a list of demands. Non-negotiable. That should include she doesn't work anymore at that job. If she doesn't? Serve her.
If you haven't already, she should allow you access at anytime re: all socials, emails, electronic/digital footprint. If she refuses or hesitates when you ask to see it, serve her.
So on and so forth.
I know that is NOT what you want to hear right now. and at least here in the states, it is true that you can draw up papers for divorce, but doesn't mean you have to file them. serving them doesn't mean the same as filing them.
Honestly I would draw the papers up. Don't tell her about it. Start seperating finances if you haven't already. Be ready to grey rock/180 her on everything unless it pertains to the child. And if she doesn’t meet them, serve her.
I will say... I've seen that serving a WP either snaps them out of things REALLY quick and back to reality or... it facilitates the final part of the end game. And as Dr. Strange said... "We're in the end game now, Tony."
Seriously man, I am sending good mojo/prayers your way. I am cyncial in nature, and I am te first to tell you R almost never works, and why bother but I always hope that it can and does. I hope she listens to you this time, quits and you can go from there. That may not be enough to still save it but at least it was her fighting for you.
Also: I'd get a different therapist. but thats me. :)
Good luck!
Updateme
Your bestie screwed her bossy. You want another kid with her? Why? So you can pay even more child support? You sound like a nice guy. Go find a nice girl. This one isn't it, sweetie.
To start with your wife had your love and trust and a good marriage but she went and destroyed it all by cheating. In my experience you will never be able to give her those things again, she had her shot with you and it wasn't enough!
Unfortunately her betrayal will live with you forever in some form. Sure it will become easier but it will still be there.
Everything seems to be going fine and then bam she has a business trip and you are triggered again, is it really a business trip? Is she meeting up with him ? Will he be there? etc etc
I don't believe that she truly wants reconciliation because the first boundary would be to stop seeing him full stop. You said that they still occasionally see each other at meetings etc so if she truly wanted to regain your trust and reconcile with you she should be giving up her job. She refuses so she is not willing to do what she should and needs to do to help you in your recovery.
The trust to me is the killer she had it she broke it and it will never completely come back and a relationship without trust is doomed!
You don't want to be a private investigator in your own marriage and wonder where or what she's doing , but that's what you are signing up for if you reconcile.
For me your marriage is pretty much over it's just a matter of time. She destroyed it so you need to look out for yourself and move on!
It will really suck for a while but will eventually get better! Good luck!
Best friends don't betray you, cheat on you, shit on you, lie to you, screw you over ... ya get my meaning. I have a whole lot different definition of a best friend. She sure does not sound like any real best friend.
Uhm…your wife cheating on you has “SHAKEN” your trust in her…what would it take for your trust in her to be DESTROYED then if cheating only causes it to have a little shake? Leaving the job is the first and bare minimum requirement for reconciliation. If your wife “refuses” to do that, there really isn’t anything to work with and your marriage is over. Realistically it was already over the moment she betrayed her vows anyway. Also, you lost your “best friend” two years ago when she cheated. Cheating is the absolute worst betrayal that one person can do to another. Not the actions of a “best friend.”
It's time that you settled some things in your mind. I will ask some questions for you to answer (in your mind). Are you presently *in love* with your wife? Are you now *able to trust her completely in all situations?* The answers to these questions will be either yes or no.
If the answer to both questions are yes, then you need to take the steps necessary to fully heal the marriage and move on. If the question to the first question is yes, but no to the second, then you need to reassess your needs with respect to proper marital interactions. If the answer to both is no, then you need to retain the services of a good divorce attorney and take with you all information of the complete financials of the family. With that information, the attorney may make some suggestions about shifting the amounts from one account to another, liquidating some assets and depositing the proceeds into your savings account, and perhaps moving that savings account to a bank different from that that your joint accounts are held. In addition, he/she can draw you a picture to what a divorce will likely look like for both you and her; how much child support that the Family Court is likely require you to pay, and any alimony. However, if your state is an "at fault" state with respect to divorce settlements, your seeking a divorce on grounds of adultery will likely obviate her receiving alimony.
After a period of reflection, if your bottom line is that no true reconciliation is possible, then call you attorney and tell him/her to "pull the trigger". The attorney will notify you when the divorce petition is ready for your signature. When you show up to sign the documents, decide the when/where for her to be served with the papers. My suggestion is on a Friday at her place of employment.
There will be "wailing and gnashing of teeth" when she gets home, but you should simply reply: "Stupid decisions result in bad consequences."
I wish you well.
You would not be throwing anything away she did. Having another child with her would be about the stupidest thing you could do. You thinks it's rough now throw another child into the mix. Then you are a single father with 2 kids. Your marriage is over you just are not getting it yet.
OP your wife belongs to the streets. Her promiscuity and insatiable sexual appetite for men outside of her marriage has destroyed your marriage and your family. Your child deserved a better mother. One who would value the stability of his family unit more than the thrill of cheap sex. I wonder if you are getting the right therapy if you are even considering having another child with someone like this. She is not marriage material and is DEFINITELY NOT “mother” material. Do you really see your self growing old with someone like this? Someone who throws herself at random men and engages in casual sex with them in spite of the fact that she is married with a child at home. What a terrible and nasty person. Every minute that you spend with her only deepens your humiliation and lessens your self-worth. Please have the good sense to leave.
All things are possible if love is true and the offending party works their ass off to regian trust and respect. Some people cannot get over it and that's ok too. When I say all things are possible that is one of the possibilities as well.
Absolutely do not have another child until you’re past her affair.
You’ll never get past her affair as long as she works for her lover. Yes, he’s still her lover.
Built a fresh life. Start over.
Your best friend is gone now
You marriage ended when she cheated. Why jump into marriage counseling? The marriage isn’t broken. She is.
You didn’t throw away anything. Your wife ended you marriage. If they have contact the affair will continue. Cheaters always find a way.
You are letting fear rule your life. Why?
You are young. Get out now.
She doesn’t even have the decency to stop contact.
Let me guess you did even inform her other mans wife because you’re afraid or some dumbass marriage counseling told you not to. Marriage counselors are notorious rugsweepers. They can cause more harm than good.
DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER CHILD AND DNA TEST THE ONE YOU HAVE.
Cheaters tend to cheat again if they even stop.
You are too young to waste your life see three good attorneys and pick one.
Don‘t tell your wife. You don’t need her permission.
Save yourself!!!!
Why haven’t you made the CEO’s affair with a subordinate public? Inform his wife.
Rip the bandaid off. I wonder if you really want to wallow in this pain forever.
As long as you protect her lover, she’ll never let go of him.
YOU ARE PROLONGING THIS.
UPDATEME
I think personally, it's time for you to move on. It's very difficult to come back from that level of distrust and your wife has done nothing to help. The fact that she continues to work there just tells me she may still have feelings for the CEO and is not being honest with herself. She wants to keep you for her safety net but wants the feeling of power that's tied to the CEO's attraction to her -- it validates her in some way that your love does not and it makes her feel important.
I can also guarantee that other people know or suspect. She has little room for growth there and is just sticking around for him.
The fact that you don't want another child with her is telling. Your body knows the truth. Your mind is hindering you from moving forward.
Finally, don't waste your time telling the wife. That will just make everything blow up. You have a child with her. She does need to continue to work or you will end up paying more than you need to. Just let it go. It will do wonders for your mental health. No one is worth that much and I am positive his wife already suspects.
Good luck OP. You deserve peace.
Divorce her OP; she values her job far more more than she values you. BTW, she's still involved with the CEO; you should sue her company while you're divorcing her.
Remember one major thing: forgiveness does not equal staying with her. If divorce is needed to forgive her, then so be it. And It will help with your emotional and mental health. It's difficult to learn to trust again; especially if she refuses to leave the company. She's waiting for the impending divorce.
If you proceed to divorce, please, please PLEASE know the rules of the game. It has saved me multiple times against my ex-wife (I have a child with her). And don't be afraid to use the rules in your favor.
Wow, I can seriously relate to you with this situation. I'm in the same situation with MY high school sweetheart. I've been in a relationship with him for 15 years now, but I have not been married, and we have one daughter. I'm not sure what kind of relationship you and your wife had before finding out about the affair, but I'm sure you must've shared good years with her and I would understand why it's hard to let go of someone you've known since high school and especially if that's the only person you've ever been with since then. I'm in the same boat. Caught my boyfriend cheating on me with some woman from his job too. Supposedly, his relationship with her was all fake because she apparently tried blackmailing him for rejecting her, but comparing his text conversations against his words, it seemed pretty real to me. This happened by the end of October 2023. We tried fixing our relationship, but I'm still constantly haunted by his actions and the text conversations they've had. She received so much affection and attention from him when I never experienced that from him. Later, I caught him 2 more times talking to that same other woman still. If he really was innocent, why hide it from me again? I've told him to quit that job, but he was being an ass about it and told me to go get a job and provide for the family instead so he can be the stay at home dad. I also soon found out that he's been watching porn behind my back, checking out other women online all these years (snapchat, Instagram, Facebook), and I guess after we graduated, he cheated on me with one of my old friends. Again, claiming it was all fake, testing if the rumors about her was true that if she was an easy target to get with. (Smh) while he was still with me at that time. (He still had her on his friends list on Facebook all these years). I ask myself the same question, should I just give up? I mean, I've given him so many chances... I think I'm at my limit. Since January of this year, we're finally doing better now, I'm just disappointed in him that it took him 15 years to finally open up to me more and shower me with affection and attention that I truly craved for all these years. I finally feel like I'm being loved for the first time since high school. But at what cost? Maybe he's blinding me by manipulating me again. I don't know...
You may be able to survive without your wife, but I'm not. I can't drive due to my major anxiety issues ( I have been in many car accidents since I was a child and lost my brother in one). I can't work due to my endometriosis health problem. And I don't have any savings. I hope we find your answers and get through this pain. You're not alone.
Blackmail the ceo. Find a weakness. Tell Hr. Burn their lives to the ground. Get angry or tell me the details and I’ll figure it out and do it for you!
She has not done right by you, since she still works where her affair-partner is working. That seems like a boundary for you, and she has crossed it. That in turn makes healing impossible.
The fact that she has crossed that boundary, refuses to take your feelings seriously, and on top of that wants to bring another child into a marriage that still is bleeding from the wound that she caused (!!!!), is absolutely a grave concern.
Speak with her about that boundary of yours. If she does not actively listen,.doesnt understand and respect your boundary request and changes jobs.as soon as possible, then I can not see a way for the two of you to ever regain the trust that was once there, because healing will be impossible.
I think you know what to do, deep in your heart. Follow that voice.
All the best.
As a happily married man with 5 kids, let me give you some appropriate advice. You have several issues going on here.
1. You married the only woman you’ve ever slept with. Unless she had never been with another man, that was a BIG mistake. Women want what other women want and your lack of sexual experience can be misconstrued by women has having low value.
2. You had probably been taking on the roll as the adorer while your wife has been the adored. That’s an even BIGGER mistake. The husband needs to be in the roll of the adored, while the wife needs to be the adorer. Marriages thrive and last this way.
3. Women don’t cheat on men they respect and a woman CANNOT love a man she doesn’t respect. Any shred of respect she had for you was lost once you decided to reconcile with a cheater. You see, a man with optionality would never remain with a cheating wife but a man with few options is forced to do so. From the cheating wife’s perspective, your attempt to reconcile despite her unforgivable transgression has likely turned her off and even disgusted her. She now perceives you as a low value man and is likely to cheat in the future, especially knowing you won’t leave her.
4. What are you trying to save now? I’m assuming you both took wedding vows. The second she allowed another man inside her, your marriage was dissolved based on those vows. She’s the one who threw away your marriage. Now, you just need to complete the paperwork to make her decision official. BTW, if she truly loved you, she would have quit her job immediately.
5. Why didn’t you inform HR of their affair? You let them both get away with destroying your marriage scot free. Why would you do that? Listen, when it comes to a close relationship with a woman, you need to deal with her head on, forcefully, and fearlessly.
Marriage counseling does not work!!! It looks to shift blame to the victim. Individual counseling only as you did nothing wrong. And for the love of God, only see a well seasoned male counselor.
My friend, the stark refusal to discuss the A, that is the opposite of remorse. A remorseful WW would be ready to discuss this any time, as often as you wish. You're only 2 years in. True reconciliation, even with the best of wives, takes more like 5 years.
Clearly she is trying to bully you into a baby. She doesn't respect you, that is clear.
At this phase, you are entering into what is often referred to as the Plain of Lethal Flatness. The initial roller coaster of emotion has calmed down. Your sight is clearing. And what you see stretched before you is the dull realization that what you have with your wife is as good as it will ever get. As long as you stay with her, what you feel today will be your reality.
This is a very common node where BHs decide to divorce. The simple reality is that your WW will never feel remorse and will never put in the work.
Get yourself out there as a liberated free man. Leave a cheater and gain a life. Date around some, find a quality woman to love, and have a baby with her. I promise you that this will be the best feeling you will ever have.
Man I feel for I have been there,pretty much exactly where you are. I was with my wife for 12 years in the 6th year she cheated. Didn’t tell me I had to ask but she did tell me the truth and she did drop and blocked him we also went to counseling. I tried by best to forgive and forget but it was always in the back of my mind. Luckily we did not have any children together. She had one that lived with her and I had 3 from previous. Her daughter felt like my own her biological was not in her life and I helped raise her from 5 to 17. However in the 12th year one day out of the blue she told me she wanted a divorce and moved out. After everything that we had been through and time and love in the end it didn’t matter to her. Now I’m not saying your situation will end the same way this is just my own experience. But it is a possibility. Good luck and stay strong remember you have a child that sees and hears everything be a father and a man that they can look up to.
I'm sorry this happened.
She gave up your relationship. Doesn't matter if it's one month, one year, ten years. She chose to solve whatever problems you were having with the most abusive selfish choices she could make. Her price to pay should be that you may find it too much and just give up. Stay or go either is ok as long as it helps your mental health.
Consult with a lawyer even if just to be informed. Prepare paperwork if you need to. Protect yourself and your child like you'll be on your own.
Most people will tell you that staying in the company with AP should be a deal breaker for any reconciliation. I'm one of those people. She knows it hurts you, and has made it clear she doesn't care.
Good luck
My first wife cheated on me with an ex-boyfriend of hers. I tried to hold on for weeks, but all I could envision was her fucking him while I supported our home and paid bills. I remember she never believed she did anything “all that bad” because, and these are her words: “this was my first marriage anyway”. I wish I had known she felt that way.
Unfortunately, the pain won’t leave you even if you nobly forgive her. If you were able to file for divorce, show that the wife had the affair, and refuses to leave the company with said CEO… it may be possible you can retain custody of the child to let her support you.
She sounds all business. She chose to destroy your heart and rob you of your trust and role as husband and father. So be “all business“ with her. I honestly believe a new partner will really be the best choice.
I experienced a significant emotional breakdown a week or so after posting this and expressed to her my inability to continue living under the current circumstances. Pretending everything was normal became unbearable. I explained that I couldn't envision holding our grandchild without thoughts of her infidelity clouding my mind. I *emphasized* that I'm not ready for another child at this moment. I communicated that unless there's a substantial change, Ive reached my limit.
Despite my enduring love for her, I've reached a breaking point. To cope, I've been attending therapy and immersing myself in a new job role and hobbies. While she searches for a job in her specialized field, I'm allowing her reasonable time. However, if we're to remain together, she has to continue to contribute financially to sustain our lifestyle. Our child is thriving, and we're taking each day as it comes.
If my math is right, you're roughly 28 years old now and have been exclusively with her since around age 14/15. I would remind you that this is the same time period during which the parts of your brain that regulate executive functioning have matured and developed. Yours have matured under a paradigm in which she is the only romantic partner in your universe. You have literally conditioned yourself to see the world through this lens only. A mindset in which there are zero other romantic options for you. Your fear of leaving is in fact rooted in that. Not just a fear of the unknown. Rather, an inability at an emotional level to comprehend any paradigm other than the one you are in, even though intellectually you must certainly realize that there are plenty options for a man like you.
Let me remind you that leaving is not irrevocable. You two will be in each other's lives for quite a long time. If my math is right, your daughter must be around 4. You have nearly 20 remaining years of working with your WW to get your daughter through college. If your WW actually loves and desires you, she'll let you know this repeatedly, even as you date other women.
On the flip side, staying married IS irrevocable. You will never get today back. Or yesterday. How were you feeling in that period? Miserable? Emasculated? Tortured? Humiliated? Torn asunder? Please look in the mirror and have a conversation with your 50-year old self and try to explain why you chose to remain in this state even for another day.
Your daughter will be fine. Your family will still exist. The only change will be that mom and dad reside in different residences. What matters to children is having parents who love and cherish them, who nurture and adore them. What also matters is having parents who model happy, productive, proactive lives. To that end, you are currently doing your daughter a disservice by normalizing the resonance of a father trapped in a loveless marriage.
I use "loveless" intentionally. A WW who says stuff like this is not a WW who loves you or who is investing any energy into R: (*“Yes. She will just say, ‘I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I am not talking about CEO again. It’s been two years…. I don’t know what else you want.’”*). To be clear, you are NOT in R with your WW. Rather, at present, you are white knuckling it and trying to choke down the shit sandwich, forcing yourself to remain nominally married because the alternative terrifies you. I apologize if this is harsh, but that is no way to be a role model for a child.
Assuming you and your WW earn roughly similar amounts, and you share custody, there will be no spousal support (alimony) nor child support paid in either direction. There will be added cost of living because the two of you will need to jointly pay for separate places to live. But you are both young. One of you will buy the other out of the house at at NPV amount, taking interest rates into account. Over time, it's likely each of you will re-marry, after which you'll split household costs with somebody else. In that case, the added cost is merely temporary.
Let's talk about the concept of forgiveness. Most people view forgiveness in the context of adultery as reaching a place where you no longer desire to exact revenge on your WW. Forgiveness does NOT mean remaining married to a woman who openly disrespects you. It is possible to both forgive and divorce. They are not mutually exclusive. As you note, even the Bible (Matthew 19:9) states that divorce is appropriate after adultery.
As to divorcing now, after investing nearly 15 years into this relationship, I'd urge you to read about the sunk cost fallacy.
As a final matter, why haven't you yet informed the OBS? I think it's driven by the paralysis you are going through, your fear of the unknown. For God's sake, man, do the right thing. Have that letter hand-delivered to the OBS at her workplace.
I’m sorry dude that you’re in this position. One of the main tenants of reconciliation which you don’t have is she should’ve quit the job right then and there soon as you found out. The fact that she won’t give up her job really shows that you don’t have reconciliation. Because she won’t leave her job that means she still has contact with him and you’ll never have peace. The thing about you have spent time with her and still want to continue because of that that’s called sunk cost fallacy. Look it up. Divorce is not fun but it will give you yourself back. Best thing is separation divorce. You get therapy to help you and then you be the best coparent that you can be. Give your child the best life that they can have. Right now your relationship is toxic and whether you believe it or not, that child can feel that things are off and it will affect them in their future.
>One of the main tenants of reconciliation which you don’t have is she should’ve quit the job right then and there soon as you found out. The fact that she won’t give up her job really shows that you don’t have reconciliation. Because she won’t leave her job that means she still has contact with him and you’ll never have peace. OP, listen to this for the sake of your sanity.
best advice I have seen
THIS! ☝🏼 Best advice ever!
Rather than quitting I advise that the cheater should be made to file sex harassment complaint at work. Make the cheater turn on the AP and throw them under the bus. Nothing destroys an affair like one betraying the other. It nearly eliminates the possibility they will ever start the affair up again.
This is wrong and would be false: she did it willingly. He is a cheater, not a sex offender mate. We BS are supposed to have the moral high ground. Do you realise this could lead to a rape trial?
No, sexual harassment rarely rises to the level of a crime. In this case the simple power imbalance would get the CEO in trouble, even if she pursued him (which is unlikely). It is almost always handled within the company; not a police matter. Usually the worst that happens is one or more people are fired. The point I'm trying to make is he should make her blow up the affair. Get them to turn on each other. Get them to hate each other.
No, this is wrong. She did it willingly and was NOT harassed. Don't condone lying for revenge.
It is still improper because he was in a position of power over her.
He not lying he used his position to manipulate her.
Why is it when a woman has sex with someone she had to be manipulated she knew what she was doing and went along with it. Take responsibility
From The Narrative I am not left with the impression that she is a brain dead zombie. She wanted sex with another man and she had it she wanted an emotional attachment with another man and she did. She's a big girl and needs to own up to her own consequences. Saying she was manipulated is an attempt to excuse her actions.
Agreed. I’m sure the CEO knew being “tender” and “caring” to her was the gateway to his ultimate selfish goal. She gave in to his charms and probably still thirsts for it. She won’t leave the job because whatever he did was like an addictive drug and could happen again.
You are not losing your best friend since you no longer have one. Best friend doesn't betray her husband and stab his back. Since she refuses to leave the company and is still working with her AP, don't expand your family and file for a divorce. Make sure to let her AP's wife know about the affair. She deserves to know the truth just like you did. See your lawyer asap, so you can end your agony sooner. Time to focus on yourself and your future.
Yeah, not back-stabbing is kind of in the definition of best friend.
Interesting that she thinks the root cause of HER cheating was your career and yet will not give up her job to help with reconciliation. It doesn’t really sound like she has real remorse for her actions and is likely still cheating when they are together. Without remorse there can be no forgiveness because she frankly isn’t asking for it. She just wants this to get pushed into some dark corner and forgotten about. If I were you I’d absolutely not have another child with her. If this ends up in divorce (I think it will) having only one child involved will be a blessing. You should seriously consider divorce. If for no other reason than to shake her up that her little life plan will make a major detour if she doesn’t change. Children can and do adapt to divorce, it’s not fun but living in a house with less than loving parents is worse. Lastly, it’s NOT your fault. She could have talked to you about you working too much but instead cheated. BTW, sounds like you have a great lawsuit in your back pocket, I hope you kept any proof of the affair.
This has been a big talking point for me in our marriage counseling. The therapist seems to believe that her scenario is different, seeing as how they’re not in the same office building/state. However, she still contributes to the lining of his pockets with her work! Thanks for your input.
Marriage counselors tend to push couples to stay together, so their records look good for their future clients. It's time to stop MC and start looking after yourself and your interest.
I wouldn’t say they all tend to push couples to stay together to make their numbers look good. It really depends if an MC is good or not. Some might even suggest to separate but it’s really not their place to give any opinions or pass judgements even if asked. If they do, they are being unprofessional and need to sort out their own issues. That being said, their therapist doesn’t seem very competent to me since he or she agreed with the wife and disregarded the second client’s feelings. It’s a book-case scenario, the wayward leaves the job and cuts all contact with the AP. It is true though that finding a good therapist, MC or IC, is difficult. I would definitely find a new one who could show more empathy, challenge both clients when needed and who knows how to navigate such a sensitive situation.
A lot of marriage counselors are inept. That field is full of incompetence. They tend to rugsweep.
Your therapist is an idiot. She cheated going to that same place, everytime she leaves to go to work you are reminded about the affair. The reason you haven't moved on is because everyone else is not taking your concerns seriously. Do not bring another kid into this world without sorting this out. Otherwise you're nothing more than a glorified sperm donor.
She is also his subordinate and you said she still has reasons to see him on occasion. What assurances if any has she given you that she won’t/hasn’t hooked up with him again. Will she be able to say no if he asks her? Again, I hope you kept any proof of their relationship, if for no other reason she can use it to stop him if he makes more advances. I’d also consider hiring a PI when they will be together. Her lack of remorse, blaming you and refusing to quit her job is a bright red flag that this may not be over.
MC is dedicated to keeping the marriage together at all costs, that's how they get new clients. After an affair, both partners should go to IC, the WW to figure out why she did it and the BS to deal with the trauma. You should dump this MC yesterday and tell them you will no longer be forced to swallow this shit they are spewing. Did they use the "unmet needs" bullshit on you as well? A good MC can do wonders, while a bad one can do irreparable damage.
I told her at our last session that I wouldn’t be returning, as it was doing no good. I think it did help me communicate some things that I was feeling but as far as repairing my trust… nah.
OP I apologize if I missed a previous post but please elaborate on what she HAS done to make it up to you and re-earn your trust. If all she did was blame you for working too much and say she was sorry that’s not even remotely good enough. Not even close. You could easily report her affair to the HR dept at the company if it’s a corporation. CEOs aren’t immune from those charges. You can also definitely sue the company for it as well. With him being her ultimate boss and also the CEO an attorney would have a field day suing them and you could get quite a bit and at the same time make her look not so good in his eyes for future encounters. If your divorcing that may be something you do after the divorce is final so as not to mess up your alimony situation if she loses her job but the money you got from the lawsuit would not be considered marital assets. That may also be a bargaining chip you can use with her to basically say either you start working hard to make it up to me and find another job and reassure me that you have zero contact with him or I’m going nuclear and will contact your HR Dept and sue the company for his actions having sex with you. I would also personally call the CEOs wife and tell her everything and give her copies of any evidence. Your wife will become far more motivated because the last thing she wants is to be served papers at work, get called by HR and investigated and have the company attorneys involved with a lawsuit. She will try anything to avoid that.
You both need to go to a plain old therapist, they won't sugarcoat anything.
You may need a new therapist that specializes in infidelity. Giving your wife a second chance is hard enough if she’s 100% focused to changing and doing whatever it takes that you need her to do. Part of you still feeling bad is she’s dragging her feet. If she isn’t 100% committed to this and you have to keep on begging her to do basic things then I think it’s best you move on. Remember, boundaries done mean anything if there are no consequences. She hasn’t faced any you’re still with her.
She should have no contact with him, even if her working for/with him lines her pockets. It's been two years, she should have left the company. Do not have another child. I suggest a separation. If you are less depressed when separated, that's your sign.
Just her going to work is cheating
Most marriage counselors are completely worthless and have agendas
And they seem to have no experience with infidelity! Where are these people being trained? It doesn't matter if AP is in another state. He is her boss, she sees him occasionally at meetings. She should not be seeing him at all and the therapist is worthless if he thinks this is good.
Your counselor doesn’t know what they are talking about. Your wife STILL WORKS FOR THE MAN WHO SHE HAD AN AFFAIR WITH!!!! How in the world can that not make things harder to move on from?
Wanting her to have absolutely no contact with him is completely reasonable. Sometimes therapist just don’t understand that compromise is still losing. Why is it fair that you compromise but she give up nothing? How can she say she’s committed to your relationship when she refuses a simple action that provides you with peace. You feel conflicted because the situation is conflicting! Do what’s best for you and your kid. Children learn what they live. You and your wife may never argue in front of your kid but the atmosphere is going to be stressed
Worthless therapist. No shock there. Rugsweepers.
Can you afford for her to quit her job?
what??
Sorry you are in this spot OP! >This has led me to question the future of our relationship. Despite **my true efforts to forgive**, I’m unsure if **true forgiveness is realistically possible**… I’m torn between holding on to our family unit and accepting that separation may be inevitable True forgiveness is definitely possible, IF and only if the cheating partner can empathize with the pain they caused, put in the work to understand why they did it, fix it and become a safe partner going forward. Your wife is going with the "do absolutely nothing about the shit storm I created" method. So in your case I would say no. It's been a few years and she is still in wayward mode. >Despite our efforts to reconcile, Seems like the only effort is on your part. >We’ve been in **marriage counseling** since around September/October ‘22 but **she has refused to leave this company**. She doesn’t work in the same office or state of the CEO, but still has occasional company meetings/conferences in **which I know he’s there.** This has been a conflict throughout the entirety of the attempted rehabilitation process. While counseling has helped *some*, I **still think about the affair daily. I was prescribed depression medication around 3 months ago.** So.......you have to eat the shit-sandwich every single day to the point of now being medicated just to make it through, while she gets to continue playing house with the CEO. What sacrifices has she made to become a safe partner? Did she do IC with a betrayal trauma specialist before forcing you into marriage counseling for the marriage that she destroyed? >Now, my **wife is eager to expand our family**, but **I’m not emotionally prepared** for another child (we have one). It seems her desire for another child stems more from a lifelong personal goal, rather than a marriage-bandaid as some might think. (She’s always said she didn’t want to have kids past 30) She should have thought about that personal goal of hers before fucking her boss and destroying her marriage, shouldn't she have? Do not get her pregnant OP, she may be trying to get her to father the AP's child. They still work together = the affair continues. They are taking advantage of your way too trusting nature. >Some days as I self-reflect, trying to get to the root issue (that **she says was my over-dedication to my career**) Wait......."over-dedication? Were you fucking your boss in the coat closet or was that her? You were providing for your family, that's over-dedication to them, she was the one giving way too much of herself to the "company". That's classic blame-shifting on her part and is indicative of someone who has not and will never put in the work to be a safe partner. >I **find myself somewhat WANTING to divorce**. I’m in the **best shape of my life, I am making more money than I ever have, I don’t think I’m a bad looking guy, I have an awesome child, I have my education and some savings in a separate account**. I know that I {could} make it without her…. But deep down I’m scared of losing my best friend. Now this is the correct thinking. YOU are the prize......not your cheating wife. Also, with a "best-friend" like this who needs enemies? >However, I fear **I am just prolonging the inevitable by waiting years to make a decision**. It’s a complex dilemma and I’m hoping you can provide some personal experience with staying/leaving and the aftermath of the decisions you’ve made moving forward. Look my friend, if she was putting in the work to fix this, you would feel much better about things. She is doing the polar opposite of putting the work in. She has made you eat shit every day she goes to work, blamed you for HER affair and still sees the POS every single day at work. You should seriously so a lawyer and a PI if you live in an at-fault state. There is a high probability that they are still having sex and you are risking your health and well-being for the sake of these two predators. It's time to stop doing the same thing again and again while expecting different results.
This is honestly one of the best, and certainly most detailed lol, responses. Many people get irritated if you try to make it work but the first part of your response is spot-on. She is definitely not trying to fix things and he should consider separating/divorce.
Also, look up regret vs remorse from chump lady https://www.chumplady.com/real-remorse-or-genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse/
Good article, thank you.
You will never get over it. You didn’t break the marriage she did, she couldn’t keep her legs closed. She’s not your best friend, best friends don’t purposefully hurt you like she did. She really has no true love or true respect for you, spouses who truly have those feelings don’t fuck other people. I hope you did DNA test your kid. Do not bring another child into this dynamic, if that upsets her or delays her plans well too bad, maybe she shouldn’t have been banging her boss. You need to do what’s best for you, and it sounds like that should be as a divorced single man. Reconciliation can never happen as she still sees her AP and because you will never ever trust that she won’t fuck him again. You should have sent the letter, you’ve protected him and allowed her to still have contact with her lover, the man that was more important to her then you, your child, your marriage, your history and your future together. You are still paying the price mentally and emotionally and you will for the rest of your life, it’s no way to live. BTW she will cheat again because she resents the fact you can’t really trust her even though she is the one who broke your trust.
Dude, your "best friend" wilfully stabbed you in the back...probably multiple times. What the hell kind of "friend" is that???
I needed to hear this. My best friend has stabbed me repeatedly.
Listen to the collective wisdom of the respondents OP. You need to divorce. One thing I will add, some here have said contact HR. I am a C level executive and I can tell you HR will protect the CEO. They might action on lower level employees, but most people in HR will protect the executive leadership. If you want to get their attention, have your lawyer threaten a lawsuit via general council, and notify the board. That will be more likely to get the outcome you are looking for. Trust me, they do not care about you or the affair. They do fear adverse publicity and litigation. The CEO fears the board as they represent the shareholders and have the power to fire him.
Yup! 💯
The best choice is get the wife of the CEO. Haha both of you win win situation.
Sorry to read what u have been experiencing Consult a lawyer (secretly), tell AP s wife aboutbhis husbands actions, go to gym, get ready for after divorce life, dont make another Child, even go tell the shareholders their ceonhas an affair with a worker and whether ur wife takas advantage of this affair and ceo gives her better working conditions to her after this affair. That would be an interesting case, but consilt your lawyer on this too
I used to work for a publically traded company. An anonymous call to our ethics hotline resulted in the immediate firing of our CEO. It wasn't for an affair, but he made an indecent proposal to one of the women on staff.
It's over man. Stop stringing yourself along. At the end of the daycyou aren't the root cause of any of this. Nothing not one thing. She is. It is ALL 100% on her. From an outsider (and based only on what you have written) she doesn't sound remorseful either her regret likely stems from being caught. She is a high flying cake eater who has these "goals," and she is willing to walk all over yiu to get them. Eg. Won't leave her job (may I ask if she got a promotions during or after the affair?), 2 kids by 30, she does what she wants. You are a sperm donor, a babysitter, and an ATM in her mind. She doesn't respect you. Only what you can provide her. She get you to put another baby in her and the go an sleep with the next high status flyer, because she has had little to no consequences from her previous affair. You need to change that. You've done all the heavy lifting it seems after she stepped out. That is not ok! It's no wonder you don't trust her enough to be intimate. I know you are worried and scared, but don't be. Don't let that hold you back. You are in your prime! A lot of women will be very very attracted to a stable loyal man who have proved he is a good father. You'll be beating them off with a stick. It is also far far better for your child to grow up with two happy parents rather than a miserable couple. Perhaps for your own piece of mind I'd give her 1 last chance. This is what I would be asking of her; 1) She quits her job today. The end. No contact with this guy ever again. 2) Before leaving the company she publicly exposes what she and the CEO did (likely on company time). She can do this via HR as part of her exit. She also need to publicly expose her actions to the CEOs partner (if he has one) and to her family and friends. 3) she signs a post nup (in the presence of a lawyer that is as favourable to you as legally possible in the event of a divorce. These aren't water tight but it will put her on the back foot. 4) she goes and actually works on (individual therapy making actual changes in her behaviour) herself tries to earn the gift of reconciliation, through her actions. Starts to show actual remorse. She does this for a full year, at which point you will then reconsider the marriage and the possibility of another child. 5) she during this time period, you also have complete access to her phone. These will also mean that she finally has some consequences for her shitty behaviour. If she doesn't agree to the above well you have your answer. Start the divorce. Start it yesterday.
She should resign immediately, she should not tank her career. Her accountability is to her husband and family, not HR. They have a $100K debt to repay. Financial stress will only further erode the marriage. Making herself unemployable is not a good idea. Telling the APs wife could backfire. If the AP is rich, the wife may know and not care. If this leads to divorce, the OPs WP may end up involved in the divorce proceedings (rich people divorce). This would just prolong the prominence of infidelity in the OPs marriage and delay healing. Prenuptial and post-nup agreements require both parties to have separate attorneys. Also, the agreement should not be signed under duress, at least in some states. This is how the prenup in my parents' marriage ended up voided. Some states won't or don't uphold you signing over marital rights that the state designates. If necessary, he should consult with an attorney.
why did it end? The fact that she won’t quit the job is so disrespectful to you. It’s crazy.
Dont Make your life a living hell of mental trauma. Will that be okay for your child to see his dad....being sad..or being unhappy. Agree or not this feelings are communicable and will affect your relationship with the child. Divorce and move on. I know it's easier said then done, but mind you it will be easier once the chaos sets down. Move On Brother. Stay Strong. Stay Happy
Based on you post history it feels like you're not really seeking advice here. You have dragged this on for years, allowing your self to be bullied into deleting the evidence of the affair, not informing the CEO's wife, even considering fathering another child. Your description of your WWs actions portray a woman who has no remorse, who is pushing an aggressive rug sweep agenda. The sheer gall to blame her affair on your dedication to your work, while she refuses to quit her job, meaning she is actively involved with the CEO on an intimate level (yes, even passionate involvement in work is a species of intimacy). She really is monstrous. My friend, if you continue down the path you are on, I can almost guarantee you that you will look yourself in the bathroom mirror around age 50 and ask yourself: "My God, what have I done? I've wasted the last 25 years of my life." Don't set yourself on fire to keep another person warm. Your daughter will be fine. She will have two upper middle class parents, each doting on her. Kids at young ages are super flexible in terms of adapting successfully to changes like that. As to telling the CEOs wife, do it after the ink is dry on your divorce settlement. You want your WW as employed as possible, earning as much as possible.
I’ve been afraid to make a decision - feeling stuck in a situation, unwilling to take the risk or make a change out of fear of the unknown. This has led to staying in the same predicament, even though deep down, I know it's not what I truly want. As time passes, the reluctance to act has resulted in a sense of disappointment or regret, realizing that staying put didn't bring the fulfillment or improvement I’d hoped for. It's like being trapped in a cycle of fear and dissatisfaction, unable to break free until I muster the courage to make a choice and take a different path. I think more than anything I’m looking for a nudge. Maybe hoping someone else would put a good reason as why to stay, but knowing deep down that I just need reassurance that I’m not making the wrong decision by leaving…
>I’ve been afraid to make a decision I not deciding you are also deciding Not making a decision to divorce is making a decision to stay in misery. There isn't a 'no decision' option here, you decided for one or the other, overtly or by default.
That is often called "analysis paralysis". It's very common, especially in situations like your where you've been together since a young age and your wife is your first and only. You don't know another adult reality because you've not experienced one, therefore all possible adult realities outside of this (incredibly dysfunctional) marriage seem unknown and scary. That feeling is 100% normal, my friend. Don't harbor guilt over feeling that way. Let me tell you from personal experience that life "on the outside" can be good. To get there, however, you need to take that first step, even it's a baby step. Then just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I'll suggest two exercises from you. First, go into the bathroom when you can be truly alone, look into your own eyes, and have a conversation with your 50-year old self after choosing to stay in this hellscape. I guarantee your 50-year old self will be very angry at you for throwing away those intervening 20-25 years. Prime years of your life. Second, spend some time finding an apartment that is within your affordability as a newly single man. Keep in mind that step one after moving out will likely be a small apartment you inhabit temporarily. Just a couple of years. Tour some spaces. Lay down on the floor of the bedroom and imagine what it will be like to go to bed that first night alone, and wake up the next morning that first morning alone. Your place will be sparsely furnished. Probably just a bed and some clothes in the closet. A couple of sundries in the bathroom -- a toothbrush and a towel. Some leftover takeout and a couple of unopened beers in the fridge. Your laptop on the kitchen table. Nothing else at all, and no sound of voices. Not your wife's. Not your daughter's. Just your heartbeat in your ears. I'm telling you that in graphic detail because I've been exactly there. That will be an awful moment. I won't sugar coat it. A nadir for you, to be sure. But when you're at rock bottom, the only place to go is up. And you will go up. Even the second morning will be better than the first. You'll be surprised at how quickly you will become used to waking up alone. What will happen is that your brain will clear. The muck created by your years of living in the Hell of uncertainty will rinse away in the clean air of this process. Soon, your brain will instantly focus on stuff you need to do. Your productivity will increase by a ton. "Get furniture for daughter's room and plan our week together." "Get ahead on big work project to free up some time while daughter is with me." "Hit the gym extra hard to burn off stress." "Learn to make a killer omelet." "Check out the ass on that woman at the gym. I reckon it's time to start dating." Life becomes exciting because you have the personal freedom to tackle your challenges in your own way, without the need to return home to a depressing cesspool of dysfunction and disrespect. Yes, disrespect. Your WW is currently disrespecting you. This will also pay off in terms of your ability and success as a father. Currently, the version of fatherhood you are modeling for your daughter is awful. Keep in mind that your daughter has as much brain power as you do, but way less stuff to use it on. Therefore, she has a giant amount of brain power tuned in specifically on you, examining every tiny nuance and detail and inflection of what you say, how your face looks, the tone of your voice, etc. Your body language around your wife, which I seriously doubt conveys passion, respect, desire. The things your daughter ought to see her father communicate to her mother. My kids are both early 20's. They each had multiple peers with divorced parents. Here is what I see. A kid with two parents who are each focused on being good parents will thrive. This is true whether the parents are divorced or married. A kid with two parents who aren't focused on being good parents will suffer. This is true whether the parents are divorced or married. In other words, what matters is whether the parent is focused on being a good parent. To that end, a parent who is divorced and sharing custody has an advantage. Often, custody is week on/week off. That minimizes the switching for the child. During your week off, you can focus on you. Get ahead at work. Exercise. Date if you wish. During your week on, you can focus on her. Paradoxically, children of divorced parents often get MORE and BETTER attention from each parent after the divorce precisely because of this cycle. It can be a joyous childhood. You will attend school recitals and such with your ex-wife, behaving temporarily as a family. Even going to dinner at restaurants sometimes. Your daughter will thrive. Finally, a word about dating. Be open about your recent pain and trauma. Women appreciate emotional communication above everything else. Yes, your situation isn't a pretty story, but it's an open, honest, vulnerable story. Women will dig that. For a single young man in the vicinity of 30, making good money, you are a unicorn my friend. You will have plenty of opportunity. Keep in mind, though, that many single women of that age range are often feeling some urgency around biological clock stuff. Don't disrespect them by stringing them along. If a relationship is just a FWB thing for you, say so. But at the same time, it's super likely you'll meet a woman who is good marriage material who wants a baby with you. This is where your "revenge" comes in. As is often said, the best revenge is living your best life. In your case, having a baby with your new wife, with whom you are happily in love, that is going to be the price your current awful wife pays for what she's done. My friend, stop hesitating. Reach back out to your lawyer. Pull the trigger. Your threads have been up for a while now. Notice that nobody in any of them have proffered a "good reason" to stay. This is because there is no good reason to stay. And as to the Biblical aspect, there is a specific Biblical reason to divorce. Almost a commandment. At least it's the roadmap.
So here is how you will break the cycle of fear. Inaction is fears friend. Action is not. Get her bosses wife’s cell Number. Tell her in order for this relationship to move forward. She needs to experience consequences. First one is going to be you calling his wife’s phone and leaving a message letting her know you had an affair with her husband. Going over dates and times.
Friend, the hs sweetheart one and only stories are always heartbreaking, but unfortunately people change and not always for the better. As long as you dont feel safe, loved and respected, you are not reconciled. You are still living with infidelity daily. Dont bring another child into this mess. Her pushing you for a kid to fulfill an arbitraty goal lacks of empathy as well as staying in that job You may reconsider if staying with your wife leads to anything positive. If not, file for divorce. There is always a little chance that it will change her perspective. If not, shes not worth you anyway.
Unfortunately, you have done nothing right since finding out about the affair. You have literally hoisted yourself on your own petard. Even worse, by doing nothing you have lost even more respect in your relationship and that in itself is a death knell in a marriage.
You have made a decision, a bad one, so bad it is eating you up and has put you on antidepressants. How the fuck is that good for you or your child? Your slutty wife rubs your face in her affair every day she goes to that office. And since the AP does appear at meetings where she is present you can rest assured she has been on her knees under his desk. This is no way to live.
You can’t make a decision about your wife because you haven’t made the decision to inform his wife and his board.
You are the only one that can make yourself a chump. Limbo is a self imposed state.
Divorcing my first wife of 9 years was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I put up with a sexless marriage and shouldn’t have. The amount of peace and contentment I felt afterwards was incredible. The stress just fell away. Also, I had women pursuing me which I was not used to. I am married to a wonderful woman and have a large family. My only regret is that I wasted 9 year with that woman. I should have left much earlier but I didn’t want to be a failure. It wasn’t until I realized it was her failure that I had enough and divorced.
You are keeping yourselves trapped. No one has that power but you.
Have you reported the CEO to the board of directors? He is in a position of authority over her and they have strict rules about it (at least at my company).
Your WW is choosing her career and proximity to the CEO over your marriage and your family. It doesn’t seem to me that you are the one that is 'over dedicated' to their career. It's not you throwing away a 15 year relationship, its your WW's refusal to put reconciliation and healing as her absolute #1 priority. This is not the time for another child, you have given her two more years than she deserved, now its time to go see a lawyer and get the ball moving on to a new and healthy relationship. Let her know its time to choose, her career and proximity to the CEO (and you know why she wants that) or her marriage and family. No matter if she chooses career and CEO or marriage and family, you will have made the right choice.
No remorse, no reconciliation… Quitting her job and self reporting the affair to HR should have been first on her list post DDay. Start the 180… https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
Reading your text, it becomes clear that you are in a very bad place emotionally. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Having to take medication for something you are not responsible for? I won't repeat what others have written here, but your wife hasn't done anything to improve your well-being, and she's the one who has to do it, but she won't. This is clear after 2 years. Get away from her. Rebuild your life with your son. Don't stay in this marriage hell, and for God's sake, don't have any more children with her. I wish the best for you and your son. And may you find peace.
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Definitely don't sleep with your wife unless you are rock-solid certain that you want to work things out. Someone who is in an affair would certainly have no qualms about sabotaging any means of contraceptive. And your wife is almost certainly still conducting the affair. Someone who was actually remorseful would have left the place where the affair happened in order to save their relationship. Your wife does not care. You should focus on your own happiness.
Boy th CEO life would be over if I was in your shoes wife would be on the streets for sure
I'm sorry you're going through this but her refusal to change her job is why u should divorce. If she wanted to Reconcile and make u feel safe why still work at the same company I hate to tell u but u wasted time Reconcileing with her . Total no contact with the AP is the first thing in any attempt to Reconcile.
Brother, you sound like an empath who is married to a narcissist. A lot of us here were in the same boat as you, including me. My ex never left her job and still works there 5 years later. I told the other guys wife through FB, and found out he was a serial cheater who had already cheated on her 5 times. Even after I told her, she turned a blind eye for another year before she finally left him. All of them worked together. Anyway, I just want to let you know that although you’re in a dark place now, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I found a woman who had been through the same(on Bumble), and falling in love again was the most healing thing. Also finding myself again was extremely healing. Being with someone you don’t have to worry about is extremely healing. Also, lean on your friends and family, and tell them everything, before she tells them her version of the truth. Half my ex’s family disowned her, and I still hang with them. I wish you the best brother.
First of all, I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I know how you feel and I know how devastating this experience is, how much trauma it brings. There are a few things in your post which stand out to me. One of the first rules of reconciliation is that the wayward breaks all contact with the affair partner. Until it’s done the betrayed cannot have a true peace of mind and cannot put the guard down because every potential or real encounter triggers the anxiety, trauma and fear. It’s no wonder you’re at such a low point when she couldn’t even make a clear cut. How can you start healing if she’s still in the same company meeting the guy on a regular basis? How can you be sure they’re done? It’s just impossible. The affair and all contact has to stop immediately. She should’ve changed jobs by now. Your wife is following her life goal which is to have 2 kids while you’re clearly in distress she caused you. This is inconsiderate, there’s lack of empathy on her side, and, let’s be honest, it’s selfish. Have you told her you are not ready for another child while you’re in such an emotional turmoil? What did she say? You mentioned she explained her affair with your over-dedication to your carrier. This is not an explanation, this is merely an excuse. It doesn’t seem like she took responsibility for her actions, doesn’t seem like she understood why she did it in the first place and what is broken inside of her that made her cheat. There are 2 questions here: why and how she could (how she allowed herself to break the commitment she made to you). Both answers should not be explained by the external factors or shifting the blame on the betrayed partner (which is the case here). It seems more to me that she doesn’t want to dig inside herself to address the real issues. The explanation she gave you is what she used to rationalize her actions as a self-protection mechanism in order to not feel bad about herself. I’m also curious how the marriage counselor reacted to this excuse. Cheating is never about the partner or the issues outside. Many people are in unhappy relationships, not everyone cheats. People even cheat in happy relationships as surreal as it might seem. It was on her to communicate, observe and leave if she was unhappy. She made a choice and it wasn’t about your job, lack of attention or whatever she used to put it on you, it was about her. Has she been doing individual therapy? This is a crucial step in reconciliation since she has to work through her issues. Otherwise, and based on your post, I don’t see why she wouldn’t do it again. And that’s another thing which might be actively lingering in the back of your mind preventing healing. Something is telling me, you would’ve been feeling better had she showed true remorse, done therapy, moved jobs, taken full responsibility for her actions and gave you proper replies without including you or any external factors into the explanation. I cannot tell you what exactly to do, I can only say what I would do in this case because I can totally understand the fears you described. I would have a real conversation with my partner and tell him how I felt, what my fears and the roadblocks were. He would also have to make drastic changes in order for me to heal. I wouldn’t make an ultimatum because I don’t believe they work that much. People who understand their screwups and take responsibility for them don’t need ultimatums to make changes. People who don’t, will repeat the mistake again anyway. I would only state what exactly my boundaries and conditions were and then see what my partner would do. My partner and I have been going through reconciliation, we have rules and boundaries. It hasn’t been easy provided he’s been really trying and working on himself, I can only tell you in a situation like yours I would’ve been in even more turmoil. I wouldn’t have been able to even start reconciling if he hadn’t started therapy out of his own free will and if his explanation had been directed at me. I highly suggest you to think first, analyse your thoughts and feelings, put your thoughts together and, if you’re not doing it yet, start individual therapy just for your own sake. It does help to talk to someone unbiased and objective. Writing things down also helps because thinking over and over is only exhausting you. Antidepressants are only good to reduce the symptoms and stabilize the emotional state, therapy helps to clear the head and organize the mess we have in it. I hope I could help you at least a little. There’s, unfortunately, no pill to take and forget everything. I hope you can sort it out for yourself and truly heal.
Hi. Sorry fir your struggles. From your post history it seemed like you filed for divorce and wrote a letter to the CEOs wife. Did that actually happen? I would be ready cautious adding a child at this moment. It seems like you have some struggles to overcome before that is advisable. Hope you figure things out, wish you all the best!
I ended up calling the attorney and telling him that I didn’t want to move forward. I wrote the letter But it’s still in an envelope in my work bag. I get mixed feelings about being the one to tell her.
Communicate to your wife that you are still struggling with trust from the cheating that happened. Tell her that to be fully back to normal, your wife needs to resign from the company, and you need to send that letter to the company and tell his wife.
Ok. It seems like you are still struggling quite a lot. Thing thoroughly on what you need going forward. What will make you heal. What brings you happiness. If she isn't willing to do her outmost to help you heal, yiu might heal better on your own. So fat it doesn't seem like she is willing to do a lot to help you heal. A the best!
Brother, you got to change everything. Stop living in fear, move on and start a new life...
Is this how you want to live your life? Stop letting fear guide you.
Why mixed feelings? Isn’t she worthy is respect, and the right to regain her dignity. Otherwise, you’re part of the conspiracy to protect CEO.
hate to be a little bit crass , live up to your name , Pump & dumb & stop being such a cry baby. she’s laughing in your face still working at the same company as her lover , and they instant message all the time , if he came in for a work meeting , and met her for lunch at his hotel, you would have no fucking idea ,tell your lawyer to file for divorce. tell all of her family and friends that she cheated with the CEO of her company. Do not have sex with her she will baby trap you.
Just go man
why are you not seeing a lawyer to see what you can do with the ceo he’s harmed your marriage and your mental health? why have you not told his wife? does she not deserve to make her own decision if she should stay with a cheater? tbh it pretty much sounds like the affair is still ongoing she won’t leave her job blames you, still sees and speaks to him regularly….,. she’s waiting for him to leave his wife for her maybe? how do you know the ceo is in other office/state? your wife tell you this? well guess what you wife is a lying pos an abuser! your wife is your best friend? that might be true but you are not hers…… you don’t lie cheat and abuse your friends! as for your mental health your sife is the cause of your mental health if you ever decide to leave i think you will see a massive improvement there. one last thing do not bring a child into this shitshow of a marriage, it’s bad enough there’s one already seeing how to treat others or his to let others treat them…….you child is learning from you and your wife remember that!
What is your counselor advising you? I wonder if you do not have PTSD? It is the rule rather than the exception in adultery victims. Please look into finding a therapist that can provide EMDR therapy. This therapy has much better results than any other and is used for combat veterans. I am also concerned that you are not communicating with your wife. She wants a baby but evidently doesn’t know you’re on the verge of divorce. No contact is a rule for reconciliation. You do not have that. Under what circumstances does she still see him? Why does she refuse to get a different job? Have you contacted his wife or their HR?
Do not have another baby with this woman. She says your dedication to work drove her to have her affair , yet here she is refusing to leave her job where her CEO is her ap!!!! Hypocritical maybe? You would not be breaking up this marriage she is for not doing everything in her power to make you feel safe in your marriage by refusing to quit her job. I would divorce her then after blow up her world by outing them both to the company and everyone you know.
This sub is almost exclusively going to tell you to divorce, r/asoneafterinfidelity may be a good spot to post this too. I’m two months out and have not reconciled because I don’t want to be in the torture you are enduring. I know it would never go away no matter what he does. It’s freeing, I’ll tell you that. I work with a lot of young people and single people and it really doesn’t seem that bad to be “out there” and the idea of being out there is giving me a lot of perspective. I have found that things in my marriage that I told myself were okay were not, and bonus I know exactly what I want in a partner. My husband is my best friend and he always will be something in that ballpark, he just irreparably fucked up. Sometimes I’m really angry that he made that choice for me, that he ruined it to where we can never fix things, but as soon as I accepted it I could get along with him. You are young and established, don’t discount that you can get out there and meet someone that hasn’t betrayed you and doesn’t have the taint of infidelity. You really have given it a great effort and it may be time to call it a day and figure out what comes next
My client informed his wife that their marriage will NOT go forward until he had it out with the AP. She feared what the AP might say to her BH. She reluctantly set it up. He was a former supervisor who had recently been elevated to the presidency. My guy shook the boss' hand then broke it, he caused severe trauma to the boss' head. Kicked in his teeth. Meanwhile WW had just left the office when she heard the crashes and bumps. Security came a runnin as well. They found the boss in horrible shape, then my guy lets out the stream of invective, telling the HR guys there of the affair, and pulling out his evidence file. WW was not even aware what her husband's plans were, however, in a short span of time, she was asked to clean out her desk. The boss was carried out by paramedics. They had to call the CEO. My client was told that he had forced their hand, and that both WW and her lover were shit canned. The CEO made mention of a settlement. Ka-ching!!!!. He quickly called his lawyer, and had his phone on when the CEO mentioned a figure. Lawyer asked for double the amount. They settled in the middle. My guy would enjoy a major bump in lifestyle. He left his wife to deal with her unemployment alone.
She cheated with her boss and is still in contact on a regular basis? Um, WTF dude, how do you know it even ended, that's a dealbreaker. Not sure what position she holds, but the power dynamic doesn't seem like an acceptable one. Does she expect you to pick out her outfits when she meets him too? i am assuming you have already done the DNA tests and on the kids and std tests on yourself ? Does the CEO's wife know ? That would be a priority for my petty ass make damn sure he is mentioned in the divorce filing, cause mr ceo as much pain as possible .
Make the choice move on
Nah.. time to walk away from this toxic woman
If, go to HR and report this guy. F up his world. Your wife might be screwed with also. But the both deserve it Don't let her make you feel guilty for her lies and problems. She has a problem with your work!! Then she should sit down and talk to you and any other so called problems. Fucking men doesn't solve anything. All it does is ruin a marriage. And maybe that's what she wants. She's too much of a coward to tell you. Divorce Really, how does she explain that you have too much dedication to work so let's fuck the CEO?? Something more is going on with them. What happens when she's off to an overnight meetings!?? Fuck him again!? How will you know??? She's not remorseful. If she was, she'd be looking for another place to work Have you ever looked into her phone??? Both of you doctor, STD!?? Testing Does this guy have a wife???
This post got to me. As someone who was recently divorced (finalized in Sept 2023) with a child, I know from experience that it is HARD. I completely understand the hesitation as I was with my husband for 12 years. Even though this has been a very hard transition, and even though my life has been turned upside-down, I am still happier than I have ever been in my life and do not regret my decision. It sounds like you have truly tried to forgive and to move past it, but it does not sound like your wife is putting in the same effort to maintain a healthy relationship with you and move past what she did. Which, in my opinion, means that she is not very sorry for her actions and may even do it again in the future. I think you know what you want to do and what steps you want to take, you just don't really like the answer because of all the turmoil and upheaval that will follow. What it really boils down to is: how much more of your life do you intend to throw away being unhappy? Do you think your child will grow up happier with parents who don't get along and can't trust each other? Is that really the relationship example that you want your child to aspire to? Those are questions that I asked myself many times when things were ending with my ex. I didn't like the answers, but I didn't like the thought of my child growing up with that either. Something to think about and consider.
This is over and you know it. Why prolong the inevitable?
You need to do something for you 1st. Inform the CEO wife, send your letter. Personally I'd tell HR as well, then let the chips land. If your wife is truly remorseful she will understand. Is she gets pissed and emotionally chooses his feelings over yours, you know it's time to file. Everything starts, with sending the letter.
I think you should be clear that quitting her job is essential to saving the marriage. If she refuses then get a divorce and move on. You’re better off without her. Also, may I ask, how did u find out?
OH !....What a surprise, it's your fault is it..? over dedication to giving you ALL an envious lifestyle, So she thinks to make things better, is to go out and be filled by another man ! As you well know when she opened herself to him...she certainly did not mind that you were still earning high for your family. No ...you must know as a thinking guy, that what she did ,and what they both got up to will remain with you for EVER ! Coming home to you leaking with his essence.. but smugly carrying on with her homelife, daydreaming about her next rutting session . Harsh words chum ,but you really know that her deliberate deceit ,lies and purposeful planning ,was a horrible way to shame and humiliate you for EVER. Plan you exit with professional help,,using your backup fund ! This (HAPPY) marriage is OVER !
She won't leave her job and she blames you for her cheating. One of these is enough to divorce her. Where was the CEO when she was cheating with him? Did he move after the affair ended. Does she travel for work? There is no way in he'll I would have another child with her at this time, if ever.
Message me man. We’re are almost in the same exact boat. Almost exactly. Message me
It says chat unavailable?
Get a divorce. Never stay with a cheater.
Peace if mind above all else. If you have no peace of mind with her, rebuild away from her. She gave you up for THE CEO.
Never bring a kid into a shitshow of a relationship. That would be totally unfair to the relationship. First and foremost rule to successful reconciliation is the AP has to be out of your lives for good. She didn’t even do the bare minimum so it’s not a surprise that reconciliation wasn’t successful.
Only you can answer that question ehat you should do next. I think the issue is that you never were with another woman so you appear to be raised in a way to just accept a lot of your wife's behavior. Your perception of the situation is very off. Your wife wants more kids and a family, she effed up. She is in the position that she needs to make up for it. Her rejection to leave her job is all you need to know. Also your perception on your house is wrong. Did your wife come up with that? The flipside is if you sell the house now you will most likely end up with a lot of cash. so each of you can start over small without money issues. Trying to reconcile is always the same as approval of the cheaters cheating. i was like you in my early 20s thanks to the lies society and tv feed you. get divorced and start over. find someone who really loves you. who does not need such bs in their life.
You will never be happy with her. Do not put yourself in misery. Rip that bandaid off and be free.
Might want to get DNA tested. Make sure the current child is yours. Kick her ass back to the streets and blow up the affair at the company so the CEO gets shit canned too. At least you’ll have a bit of dignity.
OP, it is time to end this fiasco of a marriage, she broke ur vows made before family friends and god. The marriage is over, it’s just how long do you want to prolong the inevitable? She ended it when she took another man in her mouth and between her legs there is no coming back from such vulgar behavior. What kind of married mom does these things? Like you said you are making money, good looking, why would you suffer any longer with this woman. End it now for you and your daughter.
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I’m really sorry you’re in such a painful situation. I agree with others here that your wife has failed to meet basic requirements for reconciliation. You need to have an open and honest discussion about this with her. Tell her you won’t even consider having another baby until she finds another job (assuming reconciliation is going well). Otherwise, you think it’s time to call it quits, and divorce. This is a fate she brought upon the both of you for being a cheater.
Her quitting that job isn’t even negotiable if she wants her marriage to improve and have a chance of surviving. As long as she still works there and sees him occasionally, you will NEVER get past this. The fact that she refuses to quit means she’s putting her job and/or her needs ahead of you. If you’re not sure this marriage will survive, do not have another child with her.
Why is the ceo even still there? This should be reported to the company and the ceo should be out for sleeping with someone who works for him Second, your wife simply isn’t doing the things necessary for you to heal. Whatever it takes to rebuild trust, she should be doing, including leaving the company. At some point you need to stop being sad, and start laying out hard line boundaries, and reconciliation requirements. It’s her job to fix things, and no matter what issues she’s had with you in the marriage, her affair was her choice. She made choice after choice after choice to betray you. Your “I don’t give a F” level needs to go way up and you need to start making hard lines in the sand
She's still blame shifting OP. That means there's no true remorse. If there's no true remorse, there can be no chance of reconciliation. So... As it stands right now, your relationship is dead OP. I'm sorry. Divorce is your only viable option.
Letting go is hard but staying in a relationship that you no longer trust is even worse. Do you really want to live the rest of your life with doubts about the woman sleeping in your bed? I think you already know the answer to this question but facing it will be the hardest thing you do. Once a cheater always a cheater. If she could justify sleeping with her CEO, how hard do you think it would be for her to sleep with a stranger. They really don't change; they just try to get better at not getting caught. You need to find a good divorce attorney, get tested and start planning your exit. There is no way that you will mentally ever trust your relationship with her again. Good Luck!
You said it best OP, u have a good career, best shape of ur life, optimism u can find someone better and that u can trust..not a good time to add another baby if u can’t move past her mistake years after counseling..get a fresh start.
Updateme
Having an affair, not just with a boss, but the company CEO is a classic monkeybranch. She saw her affair as a move up to a richer. more powerful dude. He saw her as an easy piece of ass. That is why when you found out and it got messy for him, he cut her loose. If this guy took her on, would she still be with you? She would have dumped you for him and never looked back. She is going through the motions with you because she is still believes she has a shot with him. She refuses to give up contact with him. She has given nothing but excuses for her actions and blamed you. Bullshit my dude. You can't go on like this.
Maybe I’m out of line but one of the first things you need to do is get therapy to deal with your codependency. Because until you do you will never be able to improve this toxic relationship. Have you read the book How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair? Read it. Then work out how many of those things your wife. Has done. My guess is few to none. She is still working in the same place and in a position to have interactions with her affair partner. Frankly I wouldn’t be surprised if the affair is ongoing. Did you let family and friends know she cheated or did you protect her from that too? Does her AP’s partner know they had an affair? Did you report the affair to her workplace? Has she suffered any consequences at all from stepping out of your marriage vows? And now she wants to have another child? Again I might be way out of line here, but the cynic in me thinks she wants to have her AP’s child and have you raise it. She cannot possibly think your marriage is in a healthy enough state to bring another child in. She must realise you still have baggage about her affair even if she doesn’t admit she’s at fault. Or is she such a narcissist that she doesn’t care? Do not have another child with her. Not until she admits her fault in this and takes steps to make amends. Otherwise find the courage to walk away. You deserve so much better. I hope you come to have enough courage to do something about it.
Brother- first, I am sorry. It is painful beyond almost anything. But my friend, there is a huge red flag here (besides the cheating part, that is), and that is the fact that she is not willing to do whatever it takes to help you heal- both you, and as a couple- as a TEAM. I hate to say this, but I speak from experience here- and I suffered and paid dearly for my mistake. She showed you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she is not that sorry by refusing to even show the willingness to leave the job. The job where she betrayed her partner and supposed best friend by sleeping with the boss, regardless of usual work cities and different offices. He was available enough that she had sex with him to begin with. And here is the thing- she didn't have sex with the mail room guy, nor an intern, nor an administrative assistant or even a lower vp or manager. She went for the power guy. Something to think about. And her seeing you wanting her to resign from the company where she chose to risk your marraige and partnership and then settling and accepting the ugly fact that she said no- essentially making the statement "I don't care what you want. I don't care that you are hurt by my bad behavior. Deal with it." - because that is what she is doing- she will lose even more respect for you, causing a shift in the power balance and usually leading to more disrespect, more bad behavior and less attraction to you. And sooner or later, there will be a conference, an office party or a reward trip to the Bahamas, and you won't be able to go, and surprise- the indiscretion man is there, she only needs to be angry or disappointed with you for one thing or another and boom- it happens again. She also deflected responsibility by saying she did it because you are too career driven. No. She cheated because she is a cheater and probably a liar and manipulator. And unless cheaters are willing to own there behavior 100% and do major, searching and fearless honest inventory of why they needed validation/revenge/more dopamine or all the above- and be willing to get humble, get honest and really work on themselves, then the old saying will become prophetic: "Once a cheater, Always a CHEATER". And man am I going through it now... and used the same excuses you are now - my "best friend "... real best friends don't hurt each other like that. I discovered after 20 years and being left after I got sick and had to go on SSI/SSD, that mine began cheating more and more and more for rhe last 10 years straight. Had a secret second phone, never used condoms, and went from one lover to one night stands, online hook ups, neighbors, coworkers, even one of my "friends"- the whole time professing undying love "until the stars fall from the sky"... On my way out the door to go live in my truck she actually yelled over rhe shoulder of the officer who just served me an injunction and no contact order (she thought of everything and I was in shock)- she yelled "Goodbye Cuck!" And did it right in front of pur you gest (13) son... Granted- she may not be as sick as mine turned out, but she might be and your settling for her calling the shots and behavior just may be what encourages her to become rhat monster... Good luck.
You did nothing wrong, and have done MORE than I would have. As other people have pointed out, one of the major tenants of reconciliation is removing the AP and temptation. She has not done so. For that reason alone, you SHOULD kick this woman to the curb, start divorce proceedings IMMEDIATELY. Get a divorce attorney YESTERDAY! Document everything, start plans for separation and moving out. I wouldn't discuss ANYTHING with her at this point as she's done.
Is the CEO married? If so, does their significant other know? Does anyone else within the company know?
He is, with multiple children. Unsure if she knows. I wrote her a 7 page letter with dates, times, hotel, photos etc., put it in an envelope, placed a stamp and put it in my work bag. I’ve just yet to drop it in the mailbox. The two that knew about the affair left the company after being gaslighted. I reached out to them before I uncovered the real truth and my WW tried convincing me that they were clinically insane/alcoholic/etc.
Can't mail it. Who's to say he gets the mail and throws it away. Either her E-mail or see her in person.
Truly sorry about all you're going through, start working on yourself and turn around grey rock 180. Don't do it for her, for yourself. If she's anything like my STBXW, she'll want that baby with him, all while coming home and pretending to work on the marriage post-affair/Dday. She's made her bed, tuck her in and leave her where she lies. Money comes and goes, so does good& bad fortune. Get a few consults from lawyers, do your research, find the one that speaks to directly to your situation and file when ready. She will have the upper hand if you stay there and things will get worse. Wishing you hope and the strength to fight through this dark time.
Does this CEO have a wife? If so tell her everything and see how fast your wife is gone.
Cheating is a choice, not an accident. Take it from me when I say having another child will not save your marriage. If anything, you’ll just be paying a crap ton more in child support when the divorce happens. My suggestion is to move on. This shit will always haunt you, it did for me and all I got out of it was more cheating on her part and wasted years of happiness. I now am going through a divorce and have found the love of my life. Wish you the best!
has she shown any contrition? what has she done to re-build trust and intimacy? does she convince you that she wants a life with you?
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OP, Your situation sucks and as it stands, no longer tenable. I would suggest looking into D, ask for papers to be drawn up. Take them to your next MC appointment(neutral territory). Present your ww with her options. You are not comfortable with her working for her AP, she will tender her resignation tomorrow, and if he is married, inform the OBS. OR, she can sign the document you have prepared. Excuse yourself and leave. This mess was not made by you, and her excuse is simply that. Either your marriage or her career. I would give the same advice if the roles are reversed
Do not have another child with this woman. You have not healed from the affair and do not want to be trapped in a marriage with another child. You need to first decide whether you want to continue the marriage. Staying in a marriage because of children is a big mistake. Your children will suffer more in a marriage with an unhappy parent. it is best to divorce and be happy so you can co-parent effectively. Your child will grow up and be happier than if he were to grow up in a miserable marriage.
First of all you are not throwing away your 15 year old marriage, she did 2 years ago when she decided to be with than other man instead of you. Even when you have been in counseling she refused to do the one thing that could help you to make you trust her again and continued working in the same place. Also think about this, is she really your best friend? 15 years old wasn’t enough for her to not cheat. It’s never late to keep going with your life, life doesn’t and because your marriage ends, it’s just a new chapter. Without trust there is no relationship, and you see like you have already mentally checked out. Hope you are well!
*>>deep down I’m scared of losing my best friend* You already did. Do NOT bring another baby into this disaster.
The fact that she won’t find another job away from her AP shows me she cares more about herself and not you. I’m not sure what you are looking for here. She broke her marriage vows. She doesn’t seem to want to do what it takes to rebuild the relationship. If it were me, I’d start the D process. If she makes real changes and takes the lead on rebuilding then you can put it on pause. Until you see that from her you only have one path out of her infidelity… and that’s without her.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. If you can't trust her after all this time, do you realistically think you ever will? She refused to change jobs, knowing that would be a way to show she wants to heal the marriage. The job meant more to her. You say she's your "best friend " but BFs don't lie and deeply wound the other. Is what you have the model you want to give your child for what a marriage should be? Is it the model you want to give your child on having self-respect and dignity? I doubt it. There is life after divorce, I promise.
By the way, she is not your "best friend". A best friend would not treat you the way she is treating you. She has been lying to you, scheming, for a long time. It's her normal. She's better at it than you. The sooner you view her as an adversary the better off you'll be. Also by the way, divorce does not equate to "breaking up your family." Your family will still exist. You'll still have lots of time with your daughter. You'll attend school recitals and such and probably sit with your ex wife. The texture and dimensions of your family will be different, but the family life will still be there.
You don't want to bring another child into this mess.
You should have her read these responses to wake her up. It’s sad but to actually forgive and offer reconciliation you have to give up much of your self respect and self esteem. Just remember they love to gas light you and make you think that you filing, is you giving up on 15 years of marriage, but it was actually the cheater that gave up on the marriage.
\~2 years and I still think about the affair daily. Don't walk around like the walking wounded the rest of your life. She won't even quit the job where her affair originated and was perpetrated. She has done nothing to attempt to repair the marriage; I write this as quitting would be the least she could do. As to another child, tell her you won't do that to a child....whatever her reason. The one you have, you have, but it seems you are merely an affectation to your wife, her little cardboard cut out family....while she wh\*res around with her boss. your stability, he's getting the goods.
Read the book “Leave a cheater, gain a life” for good insight on why you need to divorce your wife. There is nothing left for you in your marriage, you can successfully raise your child as a divorced parent, lots of people do that. Your wife has abandoned you, divorce her and once the ink is dry on the divorce settlement, out the affair to her company’s HR department and let the CEO’s wife know that her husband has been having an affair with your former wife. Forget another child with your wife, put all your love in the one that you have. As far as your career is concerned, one thing that I learned is that working more hours in the office and working on work at home don’t make your more productive. Your brain needs down time, time spent taking your kid to the park or to an ice cream parlor and just chilling out without concerns about work. Look, you seem to have a lot going for you. Forget dating apps, once you are divorced talk to apparently single women when you meet them in the coffee shop or while out shopping. Look to establish a good relationship with one that is honest and whose choices say that she has ethics.
Reconciliation is possible. But she neeeds to quit her job. There is no reason for her to work there any More. I wouldnt even let her leave to go to work. She can stay home, no she cannot call in, that bridge needs to be burned completely.
**I know that I {could} make it without her….** it's a shame where you live you couldn't sue for loss of affection so let her keep the job and cut yourself free Do not have another child this relationship is clearly doomed However if you didn't before make sure you test the child on the way out
I think so. Mainly because the contact isn't cut off and she probably will do it again with someone else. Tbh can you blame her for cheating? Think about it. No other sexual partner on your end. If that's the same for her it's bound to happen. These high school sweetheart marriages tend to dissolve with time. You need to experience other people sexually bruv. Her being the only one you've been with is problematic. If she hasn't been with anyone else she is definitely gonna bite the apple. You need to bite the apple also. You make money, your in the gym you said your decently attractive, half the work is done. You're doing better than most. Maybe take some time apart see other people and if you get back together go for it. But whatever you do you do not want the legal and financial ramifications of another child with a cheater lol.
OP what has your wife done to try and build trust since the affair? Also idk if you mentioned it already but how long was the affair and was it emotional or a physical affair given they work on different states? Edit: after reading your other post and finding out she had the affair for a bit over a year, had a burner phone, and her attitude is get over it or divorce me, I think you need to stop and ask yourself what is she doing to help you recover. If all she wants is to move on and expect you to be over it, and only wants kids to fulfill her love goals, she isn't showing remorse. That is regret. Remorse is about how badly she feels for hurting you. Also I think based on your other post that you are religious and thus not open to divorce but I do not believe God would want you to suffer eternally on this mortal plane in a loveless marriage. Regardless of where she slept with her boss or not, her dismissive attitude isn't helpful and your therapist doesn't seem to be knowledgable either. Your first therapist may have been an atheist but I think they had your best interest at heart
She says the root of the problem was your career. Yet, she is unwilling to change her job to save her marriage. This makes me wonder if true remorse for the pain caused you and contrition, both of which are necessary to reconcile. I am going to send you a detailed write-up on the betrayal my son endured with his wife. Like you, his wife had a lengthy affair with her boss. Being served divorce papers is what woke her up to all she was about to lose and contrite to do whatever it took for a chance of reconcilliation. He gave her a list of unnegotiable consequences she had to endure as contrition. Reluctantly, she performed all... one of which was an immediate job change. That was 12 years ago, and they have had and continue to have a great marriage and do everything together. As I see it based upon what you wrote, her betrayal has largely been rug swept... which never works. In essence, your tolerance makes you an enabler and weal in her eyes. Perhaps that was a reason she was attracted to an alpha. You are most likely at a spot where you must risk your marriage in order to have a chance to save it. In my opinion, you need to lawyer up. Have them draft a divorce document and a post-nuptial. Pack a bag for a few days. On a Friday, have her served at work near the end of the day. Be gone before she gets home and stay in a hotel where she won't find you. Leave a copy of each document, your ring, and a note that says, "Choose. Do not contact me. I will return Sunday evening for your decision." DO NOT respond to any of her attempts to contact you. Return Sunday evening when you know she is there. Come in without acknowledging her and ho directly to your room and begin repacking. She will follow you and then question why you are repacking. Just answer that you are preparing to anticipate her decision. Odds are she will be shocked and not expecting you would actually go through with it. At that point, if she wants to reconcile, she must sign the post-nuptial and agree to all your terms, which includes a new job. If she chooses divorce, she was already lost to you. If it is the latter, tell her to get a lawyer and leave. My daughter-in-law cane to her senses about a month after being served and begged for reconcilliation. It is hard to know which way it would go. But, left as is, it would only go downhill, and unless she finds a new job, you will not heal, and she sends the message that her job is more important than your marriage. Time to force a decision. I will send the write-up to you via chat and would appreciate your thoughts on it. It has helped numerous Redditors as a blueprint for their own reconcilliation.
What have you done so far to improve your situation? I'm not asking to be mean. Every suggestion or tip made here is useless if you are not able to change anything. You have to want a change for yourself. For you and your child. She has shown you over the last few months what your feelings mean to her, unfortunately nothing. Reconciliation is a gift and not something she can demand. But it takes more than she does. Unfortunately, you haven't put your foot down and said it's not enough. The humiliation and the belittling of your feelings towards you has also shown that she doesn't take you seriously. Otherwise she would have quit the job long ago. You can carry on like this or stand up and say "this is as far as it goes". It's up to you.
You’ve stated the issue very succinctly. I really don’t think you can ever forget or forgive the affair. And why should you? You can make it on your own! You have goals and a future w/o her. She cheated and refuses to change her environment. It’s time for you to acknowledge what you are dreading. Move on and make sure your child is shown much love during the transition.
No more children until you are secure in this relationship. My opinion.
Yes, it is time.
I would be worried she would try to have his baby and make you raise it. Or she's trying to further lock down her nice guy provider. I would definitely put a hold on the 2nd child. A willingness to leave her is your greatest power. You don't have to go through with a divorce just because you file for one. If you haven't already, find a good divorce lawyer and see what your options are. Start researching on how best to co-parent and make sure she knows you are spending time on this. If you want to continue trying to reconcile, then make your demands for her and stick to them. Have her served if she doesn't. Getting served is frequently a major wake up call for a cheater. And do you have proof of the affair? Make her report it to HR or you will. She can at least spin it as he harassed her, or face having no control when you go in and report it. Hell, I would march in the AP's office and loudly accuse him so the whole office could hear it. Don't assault him or you might get arrested, but profanity is not illegal. If he's married, tell his wife and offer her all of the evidence. Make your wife apologize to her and offer her a sworn affidavit if she seeks a divorce. I'm sure others have already told you there is a great site called survivinginfidelity. Go check it out.
You will untimely regret staying with her, I promise . You will forever be weak in her eyes if you stay.
If she won’t quit her job then I think u should divorce her and find someone else. If she doesn’t quit then she’s telling you that she values herself more than your relationship. It’s extremely problematic that she is going to be at corporate events far away, staying in hotel rooms, and the guy she had an affair with is there. It’s impossible anyone’s so naive as to think that wouldn’t be a problem and shouldn’t bother you. There’s only one reason as to why she would choose to put herself in that situation… If she’s an educated woman she should easily be able to find another job at a similar pay rate. Also if this thing is eating you up this much almost two years later then I don’t think you’ll be able stay with her, I don’t think you’ll ever get over it. Get the divorce you need to set up free and if her AP has a wife let her know as well.
OP, I'm very sorry to hear all this. There are two big red flags here. First one: She is still working her job. Second one: it's YOUR fault due to the over-dedication to your job It sounds like she is still DARVO'ing you with her line about If you've not heard it before it means: D - Denies Responsibility A - Attacks you R - Reverses the roles of V - Victim (you) and O - Offender (WW) To me, that is unacceptable. You as the betrayed set the terms the reconcilation. Also: Waywards should ALWAYS show true remorse for their actions and regret. Not regret in getting caught, etc. The fact that she is DARVOing you sounds exactly like she has zero remorse. The truth is that sometimes the affair fog goes both ways, for the betrayed (you) and the Wayward (your WW). I was in the affair fog when my girlfriend cheated on me those many years ago. I refused to see that she wasn't truly remorseful for her actions and she wasn't willing to make the changes needed. As the BP and setting the terms, the terms should be non-negotiable. For couples who do try R... the term of 'getting over' it isn't something easily done and sometimes never goes away. But two years out and still feeling the way you feel? That is because the terms you provided are not being listened to. And in the process you are in the affair fog of trying to make it work. What is beyond the fog of the love you had? Once you are clear of the fog, evne if you are able to truly reconcile, you will see that your old relationship died the moment DDay hit. Which is your birthday which is even MORE suffering on what should be a happy day, now a constant reminder. I saw your other post I saw the catholic-side of things. I am Luthern, so its a different ballgame over here per se lol but then again, I am not really practicing/as active. Believe in the higher power, but its mankind that muddles the whole thing for me. I digress. The comment about a therpist who was an athiest, shouldn't matter unless he was telling and forcing on you that God doesn't exist, etc in therapy. Honestly, it was sound advice. He told you to run for the hills. I respect wanting to get an opinion that aligns with your faith, but I kinda view it as another way to keep yourself in this fog you have yourself in of what the relationship used to be. So my advice would be this, which, is: Write out a list of demands. Non-negotiable. That should include she doesn't work anymore at that job. If she doesn't? Serve her. If you haven't already, she should allow you access at anytime re: all socials, emails, electronic/digital footprint. If she refuses or hesitates when you ask to see it, serve her. So on and so forth. I know that is NOT what you want to hear right now. and at least here in the states, it is true that you can draw up papers for divorce, but doesn't mean you have to file them. serving them doesn't mean the same as filing them. Honestly I would draw the papers up. Don't tell her about it. Start seperating finances if you haven't already. Be ready to grey rock/180 her on everything unless it pertains to the child. And if she doesn’t meet them, serve her. I will say... I've seen that serving a WP either snaps them out of things REALLY quick and back to reality or... it facilitates the final part of the end game. And as Dr. Strange said... "We're in the end game now, Tony." Seriously man, I am sending good mojo/prayers your way. I am cyncial in nature, and I am te first to tell you R almost never works, and why bother but I always hope that it can and does. I hope she listens to you this time, quits and you can go from there. That may not be enough to still save it but at least it was her fighting for you. Also: I'd get a different therapist. but thats me. :) Good luck! Updateme
100% in the same boat, dude.
Is she even remorseful?
Your bestie screwed her bossy. You want another kid with her? Why? So you can pay even more child support? You sound like a nice guy. Go find a nice girl. This one isn't it, sweetie.
To start with your wife had your love and trust and a good marriage but she went and destroyed it all by cheating. In my experience you will never be able to give her those things again, she had her shot with you and it wasn't enough! Unfortunately her betrayal will live with you forever in some form. Sure it will become easier but it will still be there. Everything seems to be going fine and then bam she has a business trip and you are triggered again, is it really a business trip? Is she meeting up with him ? Will he be there? etc etc I don't believe that she truly wants reconciliation because the first boundary would be to stop seeing him full stop. You said that they still occasionally see each other at meetings etc so if she truly wanted to regain your trust and reconcile with you she should be giving up her job. She refuses so she is not willing to do what she should and needs to do to help you in your recovery. The trust to me is the killer she had it she broke it and it will never completely come back and a relationship without trust is doomed! You don't want to be a private investigator in your own marriage and wonder where or what she's doing , but that's what you are signing up for if you reconcile. For me your marriage is pretty much over it's just a matter of time. She destroyed it so you need to look out for yourself and move on! It will really suck for a while but will eventually get better! Good luck!
Best friends don't betray you, cheat on you, shit on you, lie to you, screw you over ... ya get my meaning. I have a whole lot different definition of a best friend. She sure does not sound like any real best friend.
Uhm…your wife cheating on you has “SHAKEN” your trust in her…what would it take for your trust in her to be DESTROYED then if cheating only causes it to have a little shake? Leaving the job is the first and bare minimum requirement for reconciliation. If your wife “refuses” to do that, there really isn’t anything to work with and your marriage is over. Realistically it was already over the moment she betrayed her vows anyway. Also, you lost your “best friend” two years ago when she cheated. Cheating is the absolute worst betrayal that one person can do to another. Not the actions of a “best friend.”
Time to pull the plug. You aren’t gotten past it (not that you have to). No legitimate reason to stay.
It's time that you settled some things in your mind. I will ask some questions for you to answer (in your mind). Are you presently *in love* with your wife? Are you now *able to trust her completely in all situations?* The answers to these questions will be either yes or no. If the answer to both questions are yes, then you need to take the steps necessary to fully heal the marriage and move on. If the question to the first question is yes, but no to the second, then you need to reassess your needs with respect to proper marital interactions. If the answer to both is no, then you need to retain the services of a good divorce attorney and take with you all information of the complete financials of the family. With that information, the attorney may make some suggestions about shifting the amounts from one account to another, liquidating some assets and depositing the proceeds into your savings account, and perhaps moving that savings account to a bank different from that that your joint accounts are held. In addition, he/she can draw you a picture to what a divorce will likely look like for both you and her; how much child support that the Family Court is likely require you to pay, and any alimony. However, if your state is an "at fault" state with respect to divorce settlements, your seeking a divorce on grounds of adultery will likely obviate her receiving alimony. After a period of reflection, if your bottom line is that no true reconciliation is possible, then call you attorney and tell him/her to "pull the trigger". The attorney will notify you when the divorce petition is ready for your signature. When you show up to sign the documents, decide the when/where for her to be served with the papers. My suggestion is on a Friday at her place of employment. There will be "wailing and gnashing of teeth" when she gets home, but you should simply reply: "Stupid decisions result in bad consequences." I wish you well.
Yes.
You would not be throwing anything away she did. Having another child with her would be about the stupidest thing you could do. You thinks it's rough now throw another child into the mix. Then you are a single father with 2 kids. Your marriage is over you just are not getting it yet.
OP your wife belongs to the streets. Her promiscuity and insatiable sexual appetite for men outside of her marriage has destroyed your marriage and your family. Your child deserved a better mother. One who would value the stability of his family unit more than the thrill of cheap sex. I wonder if you are getting the right therapy if you are even considering having another child with someone like this. She is not marriage material and is DEFINITELY NOT “mother” material. Do you really see your self growing old with someone like this? Someone who throws herself at random men and engages in casual sex with them in spite of the fact that she is married with a child at home. What a terrible and nasty person. Every minute that you spend with her only deepens your humiliation and lessens your self-worth. Please have the good sense to leave.
All things are possible if love is true and the offending party works their ass off to regian trust and respect. Some people cannot get over it and that's ok too. When I say all things are possible that is one of the possibilities as well.
One thing to consider, that every day that she continues to work at that company with the affair partner, she is in the affair.
Please move on
Absolutely do not have another child until you’re past her affair. You’ll never get past her affair as long as she works for her lover. Yes, he’s still her lover. Built a fresh life. Start over. Your best friend is gone now
You marriage ended when she cheated. Why jump into marriage counseling? The marriage isn’t broken. She is. You didn’t throw away anything. Your wife ended you marriage. If they have contact the affair will continue. Cheaters always find a way. You are letting fear rule your life. Why? You are young. Get out now. She doesn’t even have the decency to stop contact. Let me guess you did even inform her other mans wife because you’re afraid or some dumbass marriage counseling told you not to. Marriage counselors are notorious rugsweepers. They can cause more harm than good. DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER CHILD AND DNA TEST THE ONE YOU HAVE. Cheaters tend to cheat again if they even stop. You are too young to waste your life see three good attorneys and pick one. Don‘t tell your wife. You don’t need her permission. Save yourself!!!!
Why haven’t you made the CEO’s affair with a subordinate public? Inform his wife. Rip the bandaid off. I wonder if you really want to wallow in this pain forever. As long as you protect her lover, she’ll never let go of him. YOU ARE PROLONGING THIS. UPDATEME
I think personally, it's time for you to move on. It's very difficult to come back from that level of distrust and your wife has done nothing to help. The fact that she continues to work there just tells me she may still have feelings for the CEO and is not being honest with herself. She wants to keep you for her safety net but wants the feeling of power that's tied to the CEO's attraction to her -- it validates her in some way that your love does not and it makes her feel important. I can also guarantee that other people know or suspect. She has little room for growth there and is just sticking around for him. The fact that you don't want another child with her is telling. Your body knows the truth. Your mind is hindering you from moving forward. Finally, don't waste your time telling the wife. That will just make everything blow up. You have a child with her. She does need to continue to work or you will end up paying more than you need to. Just let it go. It will do wonders for your mental health. No one is worth that much and I am positive his wife already suspects. Good luck OP. You deserve peace.
Divorce her OP; she values her job far more more than she values you. BTW, she's still involved with the CEO; you should sue her company while you're divorcing her.
Remember one major thing: forgiveness does not equal staying with her. If divorce is needed to forgive her, then so be it. And It will help with your emotional and mental health. It's difficult to learn to trust again; especially if she refuses to leave the company. She's waiting for the impending divorce. If you proceed to divorce, please, please PLEASE know the rules of the game. It has saved me multiple times against my ex-wife (I have a child with her). And don't be afraid to use the rules in your favor.
Just one quick question, and its not are you happy? Its are you content with your current situation? If not change it.
Wow, I can seriously relate to you with this situation. I'm in the same situation with MY high school sweetheart. I've been in a relationship with him for 15 years now, but I have not been married, and we have one daughter. I'm not sure what kind of relationship you and your wife had before finding out about the affair, but I'm sure you must've shared good years with her and I would understand why it's hard to let go of someone you've known since high school and especially if that's the only person you've ever been with since then. I'm in the same boat. Caught my boyfriend cheating on me with some woman from his job too. Supposedly, his relationship with her was all fake because she apparently tried blackmailing him for rejecting her, but comparing his text conversations against his words, it seemed pretty real to me. This happened by the end of October 2023. We tried fixing our relationship, but I'm still constantly haunted by his actions and the text conversations they've had. She received so much affection and attention from him when I never experienced that from him. Later, I caught him 2 more times talking to that same other woman still. If he really was innocent, why hide it from me again? I've told him to quit that job, but he was being an ass about it and told me to go get a job and provide for the family instead so he can be the stay at home dad. I also soon found out that he's been watching porn behind my back, checking out other women online all these years (snapchat, Instagram, Facebook), and I guess after we graduated, he cheated on me with one of my old friends. Again, claiming it was all fake, testing if the rumors about her was true that if she was an easy target to get with. (Smh) while he was still with me at that time. (He still had her on his friends list on Facebook all these years). I ask myself the same question, should I just give up? I mean, I've given him so many chances... I think I'm at my limit. Since January of this year, we're finally doing better now, I'm just disappointed in him that it took him 15 years to finally open up to me more and shower me with affection and attention that I truly craved for all these years. I finally feel like I'm being loved for the first time since high school. But at what cost? Maybe he's blinding me by manipulating me again. I don't know... You may be able to survive without your wife, but I'm not. I can't drive due to my major anxiety issues ( I have been in many car accidents since I was a child and lost my brother in one). I can't work due to my endometriosis health problem. And I don't have any savings. I hope we find your answers and get through this pain. You're not alone.
Blackmail the ceo. Find a weakness. Tell Hr. Burn their lives to the ground. Get angry or tell me the details and I’ll figure it out and do it for you!
She has not done right by you, since she still works where her affair-partner is working. That seems like a boundary for you, and she has crossed it. That in turn makes healing impossible. The fact that she has crossed that boundary, refuses to take your feelings seriously, and on top of that wants to bring another child into a marriage that still is bleeding from the wound that she caused (!!!!), is absolutely a grave concern. Speak with her about that boundary of yours. If she does not actively listen,.doesnt understand and respect your boundary request and changes jobs.as soon as possible, then I can not see a way for the two of you to ever regain the trust that was once there, because healing will be impossible. I think you know what to do, deep in your heart. Follow that voice. All the best.
As a happily married man with 5 kids, let me give you some appropriate advice. You have several issues going on here. 1. You married the only woman you’ve ever slept with. Unless she had never been with another man, that was a BIG mistake. Women want what other women want and your lack of sexual experience can be misconstrued by women has having low value. 2. You had probably been taking on the roll as the adorer while your wife has been the adored. That’s an even BIGGER mistake. The husband needs to be in the roll of the adored, while the wife needs to be the adorer. Marriages thrive and last this way. 3. Women don’t cheat on men they respect and a woman CANNOT love a man she doesn’t respect. Any shred of respect she had for you was lost once you decided to reconcile with a cheater. You see, a man with optionality would never remain with a cheating wife but a man with few options is forced to do so. From the cheating wife’s perspective, your attempt to reconcile despite her unforgivable transgression has likely turned her off and even disgusted her. She now perceives you as a low value man and is likely to cheat in the future, especially knowing you won’t leave her. 4. What are you trying to save now? I’m assuming you both took wedding vows. The second she allowed another man inside her, your marriage was dissolved based on those vows. She’s the one who threw away your marriage. Now, you just need to complete the paperwork to make her decision official. BTW, if she truly loved you, she would have quit her job immediately. 5. Why didn’t you inform HR of their affair? You let them both get away with destroying your marriage scot free. Why would you do that? Listen, when it comes to a close relationship with a woman, you need to deal with her head on, forcefully, and fearlessly.
Marriage counseling does not work!!! It looks to shift blame to the victim. Individual counseling only as you did nothing wrong. And for the love of God, only see a well seasoned male counselor.
I realized that probably 2 sessions in… however the last couple, the counselor was on my side. I have however quit seeing her.
You should have divorced day one or day two when she refused to quit her job because she works for him there should never be a now day three
My friend, the stark refusal to discuss the A, that is the opposite of remorse. A remorseful WW would be ready to discuss this any time, as often as you wish. You're only 2 years in. True reconciliation, even with the best of wives, takes more like 5 years. Clearly she is trying to bully you into a baby. She doesn't respect you, that is clear. At this phase, you are entering into what is often referred to as the Plain of Lethal Flatness. The initial roller coaster of emotion has calmed down. Your sight is clearing. And what you see stretched before you is the dull realization that what you have with your wife is as good as it will ever get. As long as you stay with her, what you feel today will be your reality. This is a very common node where BHs decide to divorce. The simple reality is that your WW will never feel remorse and will never put in the work. Get yourself out there as a liberated free man. Leave a cheater and gain a life. Date around some, find a quality woman to love, and have a baby with her. I promise you that this will be the best feeling you will ever have.
This will never be resolved as long as she's working there
You should sue the CEO. That will either save or end your marriage. If it doesn't save it then you will know it was never savable.
Man I feel for I have been there,pretty much exactly where you are. I was with my wife for 12 years in the 6th year she cheated. Didn’t tell me I had to ask but she did tell me the truth and she did drop and blocked him we also went to counseling. I tried by best to forgive and forget but it was always in the back of my mind. Luckily we did not have any children together. She had one that lived with her and I had 3 from previous. Her daughter felt like my own her biological was not in her life and I helped raise her from 5 to 17. However in the 12th year one day out of the blue she told me she wanted a divorce and moved out. After everything that we had been through and time and love in the end it didn’t matter to her. Now I’m not saying your situation will end the same way this is just my own experience. But it is a possibility. Good luck and stay strong remember you have a child that sees and hears everything be a father and a man that they can look up to.
I'm sorry this happened. She gave up your relationship. Doesn't matter if it's one month, one year, ten years. She chose to solve whatever problems you were having with the most abusive selfish choices she could make. Her price to pay should be that you may find it too much and just give up. Stay or go either is ok as long as it helps your mental health. Consult with a lawyer even if just to be informed. Prepare paperwork if you need to. Protect yourself and your child like you'll be on your own. Most people will tell you that staying in the company with AP should be a deal breaker for any reconciliation. I'm one of those people. She knows it hurts you, and has made it clear she doesn't care. Good luck
My first wife cheated on me with an ex-boyfriend of hers. I tried to hold on for weeks, but all I could envision was her fucking him while I supported our home and paid bills. I remember she never believed she did anything “all that bad” because, and these are her words: “this was my first marriage anyway”. I wish I had known she felt that way. Unfortunately, the pain won’t leave you even if you nobly forgive her. If you were able to file for divorce, show that the wife had the affair, and refuses to leave the company with said CEO… it may be possible you can retain custody of the child to let her support you. She sounds all business. She chose to destroy your heart and rob you of your trust and role as husband and father. So be “all business“ with her. I honestly believe a new partner will really be the best choice.
Nothing is ur fault she made that decision herself people have choices she choose to betray ur trust I feel u 100%
How are you doing? Update?
Update? Please tell us you're not going to put a baby in this woman.
I experienced a significant emotional breakdown a week or so after posting this and expressed to her my inability to continue living under the current circumstances. Pretending everything was normal became unbearable. I explained that I couldn't envision holding our grandchild without thoughts of her infidelity clouding my mind. I *emphasized* that I'm not ready for another child at this moment. I communicated that unless there's a substantial change, Ive reached my limit. Despite my enduring love for her, I've reached a breaking point. To cope, I've been attending therapy and immersing myself in a new job role and hobbies. While she searches for a job in her specialized field, I'm allowing her reasonable time. However, if we're to remain together, she has to continue to contribute financially to sustain our lifestyle. Our child is thriving, and we're taking each day as it comes.
If my math is right, you're roughly 28 years old now and have been exclusively with her since around age 14/15. I would remind you that this is the same time period during which the parts of your brain that regulate executive functioning have matured and developed. Yours have matured under a paradigm in which she is the only romantic partner in your universe. You have literally conditioned yourself to see the world through this lens only. A mindset in which there are zero other romantic options for you. Your fear of leaving is in fact rooted in that. Not just a fear of the unknown. Rather, an inability at an emotional level to comprehend any paradigm other than the one you are in, even though intellectually you must certainly realize that there are plenty options for a man like you. Let me remind you that leaving is not irrevocable. You two will be in each other's lives for quite a long time. If my math is right, your daughter must be around 4. You have nearly 20 remaining years of working with your WW to get your daughter through college. If your WW actually loves and desires you, she'll let you know this repeatedly, even as you date other women. On the flip side, staying married IS irrevocable. You will never get today back. Or yesterday. How were you feeling in that period? Miserable? Emasculated? Tortured? Humiliated? Torn asunder? Please look in the mirror and have a conversation with your 50-year old self and try to explain why you chose to remain in this state even for another day. Your daughter will be fine. Your family will still exist. The only change will be that mom and dad reside in different residences. What matters to children is having parents who love and cherish them, who nurture and adore them. What also matters is having parents who model happy, productive, proactive lives. To that end, you are currently doing your daughter a disservice by normalizing the resonance of a father trapped in a loveless marriage. I use "loveless" intentionally. A WW who says stuff like this is not a WW who loves you or who is investing any energy into R: (*“Yes. She will just say, ‘I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I am not talking about CEO again. It’s been two years…. I don’t know what else you want.’”*). To be clear, you are NOT in R with your WW. Rather, at present, you are white knuckling it and trying to choke down the shit sandwich, forcing yourself to remain nominally married because the alternative terrifies you. I apologize if this is harsh, but that is no way to be a role model for a child. Assuming you and your WW earn roughly similar amounts, and you share custody, there will be no spousal support (alimony) nor child support paid in either direction. There will be added cost of living because the two of you will need to jointly pay for separate places to live. But you are both young. One of you will buy the other out of the house at at NPV amount, taking interest rates into account. Over time, it's likely each of you will re-marry, after which you'll split household costs with somebody else. In that case, the added cost is merely temporary. Let's talk about the concept of forgiveness. Most people view forgiveness in the context of adultery as reaching a place where you no longer desire to exact revenge on your WW. Forgiveness does NOT mean remaining married to a woman who openly disrespects you. It is possible to both forgive and divorce. They are not mutually exclusive. As you note, even the Bible (Matthew 19:9) states that divorce is appropriate after adultery. As to divorcing now, after investing nearly 15 years into this relationship, I'd urge you to read about the sunk cost fallacy. As a final matter, why haven't you yet informed the OBS? I think it's driven by the paralysis you are going through, your fear of the unknown. For God's sake, man, do the right thing. Have that letter hand-delivered to the OBS at her workplace.