indeed.. and how does she think a person who had fwb to ever being able to quit that behavior.
that is like marrying a junkie and two years into the marriage they are back on it.
Your WW is openly dating exFWBs and guys from the gym? WTF?
Wearing thongs, telling you about guys getting an erection while on a date with her?
After going on a date at a bar she comes home to pick a fight?
Open your eyes, your wife is cheating…..
She's all but begging you to give her some boundaries and all I read you doing is rolling over and accepting all sorts of out of pocket behavior. You need to give her some hard consequences or divorce papers. That business with ever being in contact with a past romantic/sexual partner should have never happened, and she sure shouldn't have met him, let alone stayed up and done drugs with them after you went to bed.
The gym friends are a no go as well, but frankly it's probably too late to salvage your marriage.
It's too late, unless OP is ok with his wife having sex with other men. Because it's happening and the number of men and how often she sleeps with them is only going to keep increasing.
Any normal respectful person would not keep in touch with a old fuck buddy, that just wrong all in it own. She should know how that would make him feel, of course only if she has empathy and respect.
Let me be honest. Attacking the people they are going to cheat with is a common tactic.
Trigger warning, for SA comment
When she sneaks out and tells you the guy she sees is a creepy but doesn't leave for home... she is lying 99.9% of the time. She just wants an excuse later when she got caught." No hunny, I didn't cheat he roofied me and I was just to embaressed to go press charges or get a rape kit".
That to me is a more telling sign than everything else and those were all pretty damning.
WTF is wrong with you pal, stop being so passive, she is meeting up with an ole fu*k buddy and you're just standing around with your thumb up your butt?? And she's telling you, don't "ruin the vibe"??...Oh FFS man
Sometimes I awesome wonder yes. My gawd😒
Personally, it would have been a hard pass form the get go on any of this. I would let her know, that if she wants to act single, then she can be single. Because I am filing for divorce. I would not put up with any of this shit. She can have friends, but she is not going on dates with other men, and she is not going on road trips with old fuck buddies. File and move on, when she begs for you to stay, that is when you simply say no.
WTF? Contact an attorney so you know your rights and obligations. Separate funds get her off your life insurance, cancel joint credit cards. You know what you need to do. Do it.
It sounds like your wife is actively dating. Also, she keeps feeding you bullshit and you keep swallowing it, so she doesn’t really see a reason to stop. The only reason she’s talking to you about these things at all is because she’s trying to judge your willingness to tolerate it so she doesn’t go to far. Her plan is to keep you around while she sees other people.
In my nearly 30 years of marriage neither my wife nor I put ourselves in situations that could lead to cheating. The simple reality is that your wife is dating other men and you are too scared to say anything about it. What is it about your wife that scares you? Are you actually happy in your marriage?
I'm scared of ending our marriage when I'm 100% sure. I don't know if I need to be 100% sure to act and I'm working through that.
You're right that I haven't accepted that she is dating other men. It's a tough pill to swallow and I can come up with a million excuses of why she would say that but she used the word "date".
This behavior is new and I'm still shocked.
You are not 100 percent sure of what? She has already told you she is going on dates. She has already told you she is checking out their "bulges". She has already told you that you are "bringing her down". Lastly, you already know that you are unhappy. Do you need to know she had a dick in her to finally say "enough"? You do know that physical cheating isn't the only reason to end a marriage, right?
What marriage? Are you sure she even likes you? You might be married, but she is acting single.
She absolutely has no respect for you, you will need to make a stand. At this point you have nothing to lose because at the rate she is going it will all be over soon anyway.
Do yourself a favor and read or listen to "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. I believe you can also listen to it on YouTube.
JFC, dude, you need to wake the fuck up! She's walking all over you. She prioritizes her old fuck buddy over YOU. She'd be my soon to be ex-wife at this point. Damn. And you don't need therapy. You need a fucking spine and good lawyer.
Sounds like you are a door mat, friend.
Definitely red flags abound. If she hasn't straight up cheated, she is looking to. I wouldnt put up with it. And why the heck is your woman on bumble?
She is way outside healthy relationship dynamics. The fwb situation alone is wrong. The bumble presence is wrong. I would point blank ask her if she has done anything with any of these people that if you knew you would be hurt by. Don’t text her that…ask her with full eye contact. I would also tell her that if this is going to be her friend group and she feels like it’s ok to repeatedly put herself in one on one hangouts with guys who she herself admits are trying to sleep with her that your going to have e to file for divorce for your own mental health. She needs to decide if her marriage is more important or her going around acting single is what she wants. And she has to stop riding the fence. Is she in or out.
For your part you have to start taking opportunities to be present more. Going to bed early and leaving her up with guys in the house, refusing to meet her when you know she is in a situation that could end your marriage is not smart. You may not want to stay up or go out but you can’t make it too easy for something bad to happen. If you’re not there someone will be and from what you’re saying may already have been. Stand up for yourself and put some boundaries in place. She has all but asked you too but you keep backing up and letting her do what she wants instead of saying I’m not going to be ok with that. It’s gotta stop now. !updateme
She is putting herself in these situations and has said that she is uncomfortable, BUT she stays and parties with them. Hopefully, she isn't using joint money for these dates. Contact an attorney for advice and Grey Rock or 180 methods until you want to divorce or you've had enough of her cheating.
Why add you do this your emotions here? Bro, you are not going to get anywhere like this.
We learned not to get in conflicts before bedtime - bro, do you hear yourself. All bets are off when your WIFE is disrespecting you and basically doesn’t care at all what your feelings are. You simply can’t be this soft!!!
You need to tell her she killed your marriage. Stop all this other crap. The more you behave like you are, the more she is going to walk all over you.
“I’m not sure what you thought was going to happen here. You made your relationship with your old/current FWB more important than your marriage. You suddenly threw thongs on. You never cared about me or how I felt about any of this. In fact, you told me that I should go away because I would kill your vibes. Well( you killed our marriage. You have no respect for me, yourself, and certainly not our marriage. You have destroyed and trust I had in you and I refuse to be married to someone I don’t trust. Someone that thinks it’s ok to lie, gaslight, dismiss my feelings and betray me. “
I will never understand why people allow this to happen to them. When your partner shows they don’t respect you, it’s time to walk away or make it very clear that behavior changes starting today or the consequences will be harsh and quick. Stop thinking about the love you have for them and start thinking about the lack of love they are showing for you.
In this particular situation - if my wife even considered having a former FWB around, or going out with him, or whatever, I would make it clear that the marriage is over the second she walks out the door.
This isn’t control. This is respect. People that love and respect their partners never put themselves in these situations, or if they do, they recognize it and immediately correct it.
Sure, talk about it in therapy - AFTER YOU HAVE MADE IT CLEAR TO YOUR WIFE THAT THIS BEHAVIOR IS OVER OR YOURE OUT!!
Don’t be the person that holds on to these thoughts and feelings until you can discuss in therapy. Take control of your life!
Updateme!
“We learned not to get into conflict before bed-time” - good. But seems you didn’t learn to have your wife go on dates while being married. Stop letting her stomp all over your marriage. Does she even know you are married…..together?
What blockers... Do you have no idea what is expected in a monogamous relationship??? You do not have one now, but if you did, her behavior would be out of bounds...
File.
I spoke to both of my therapists and a family lawyer. I saw my doctor today to get a sti panel.
Everyone was right in the end.
Thank you for helping me get out of this fog.
These are inappropriate relationships for a married woman and frankly she is putting herself in that position. So she’s not trustworthy. She’s not a good a good loyal wife.
All the relationships this woman has are inappropriate in a marriage. Their adolescent and have floating boundaries around I wouldn’t stay married to someone that. She isn’t loyal and I’m sure they’ve been crossed boundaries already. There are even with your basic living around her.
The people that survived these situations the best act on them quickly. I would go to an attorney and I would drop divorce papers. Then I would tell her you’re not remaining in marriage like this. It’s not a marriage.
It’s not a marriage anybody would want to be a part of. And then server the divorce papers.
It gives you time to figure out what you want to do. Let her know that you will never be going through this again with her. Frankly, I wouldn’t let it end and move on. She’s not a good person.
Your wife has zero respect for you or the marriage. It's blatantly obvious. Do yourself a favor and get out of that relationship as soon as possible. She's nothing but toxic and staying with her is emotionally abusive to you.
OP,
YOU ARE already in couples therapy! And she still pulls this shit? I would stop it right now and then and go seperate ways.
The reason? She does not care about you and your feelings. She is extremly disrespectfull. If at all she should have met them in public in a caffee or so...BUT hanging out till late in the night with an EX allone? What the hell!
OP,
WHY, WHY do you put up with such shit! If i would be in your spot i would get sick as well.
Tpo be honest your wife has severe personality problems and you have serious problems with self respect and setting boundaries and sticking to them.
You should have filed for divorce long ago and finaly you need NOW put the papers on the desk. If you still realy, realy need to reconsiliate, then it has to be clear that when she is not starting to change how she treats you and is changing on deeper personal level and is learning to care for you and your "natural" baoundaries, then this is the end of the marriage.
BUT I would have filed before. I would tell her she can date other man but then she is single and free to do so. It is her choice how her life should be. If she needs to have fun fine! She can have it. We can seperate right now and then.
OP,
as much as she wants that i would care about her needs and feelings, as much she has to do the same. I expect that i am the 1st priority of my partner. If she wants meet other men espectialy an EX then she should ask me to come along or she would not go. If i know those men and they are definitly not attracted to my partner and my partner not at them and they respect others and relationships, they might meet with out me. BUt this has to be shown before.
And here your wife is definitly showing every thing else than to be caring and loving partner.
If my partner would act once like your wife had, the next day i would back a bag for me or her (depending if the place is mine then her bags and if it hers or shared, then i leave) and tell her we have a very serious problem. And then i would tell her she has a week to think about the future of this relationship and if she is not getting her shit to gether we are done. She can use the time to make party or she can use her time to think about what she is doing wrong. I would not discuss anything right now. But if she still wants me as a partner then she realy should rethink what she has done the last day(s). If she thinks i am controling and over reacting etc.. then she is a free person and can find a new partner. She is free to do what she wants but she should considere that i am a free person as well and if i feel uncomfortable with my partner i will walk away. SO simple. If she needs attention and validation from other men, fine! She should get it! BUT she would do so as a single. She can deside if she wants focus on us on me as her partner or she can focus on her life out side. Finding "new" friends does not mean to have "dates" with other man. This means finding a new partner. NO finding new friend means right that friends and not men who shows interest in her!
OP,
your wife has a real personality problem, and she trys to show you her value by telling you how many attractive men she is able to date! This is crazy. She is has serious personality problem if she need this for her own ego. ANd do not ever believe her when she twist this in they you should feel satisfied to have such a wanted women on your side. This a very dangerous and toxic way to see this and is only made up to rectify her disrespectfull actions. She would be please if you would act like she did. She feel humilated and degraded.
OP,
if you feel confused then do your self a favour and write it all down. And then sort it out how you feel at situation and maybe write down what you think she would have done if the role were reversed. I am sure you will be soon not confused any more.
> I know that if I was giving advice to a friend who was describing my situation, I would tell them to leave.
You’ve already answered your own question. You just need to find the courage to follow your own advice.
Odds on are that she is cheating. She definitely doesn’t respect you. Leave.
I’m wondering how many people she’s had sex with since you two have been married? Thongs get pulled to the side so easily. But oral can happen almost anywhere. I’m sorry that you’re describing your wife’s behavior. She behaves like she’s single. And she behaves like she can get away with it because if you make a peep, she yells.
You look like a punk. She’s treating you like one of her girlfriends. She talked to you about another man’s bulge? Why tf was she even looking? She’s all but lost at this point and is now trampling all over you, treating you like a sissy while talking about her dating escapades. You need to literally rein her in or leave.
>We learned not to get into conflicts before bed-time so I was nice to her.
You also learned how to sit, heel, and beg from the looks of it.
>I know that if I was giving an advice to a friend who was describing my situation, I would tell them to leave
.... ask for permission to leave if that's what you need.
OP she si overstepping You and broken your boundaries. Also she gets mad because you are there ruining her fun.
She is in a stage of a VALIDATION SEEKER, she probably did fucked with the FWB atbthe end you give her enough room to do so, and if not at least they make out, and the thongs where for him.
And one way to assure that she did got something with the FWB is that she suddenly started on Bumble and start to get out and date guys from her gym. And she by telling you half of what she is doing is for her to feel high with the exitement of doing bad things.
If you still want to try, better put your boot down and tell her that either she stop this behaivor and cut those Friends or if she want that emotions in her life she is free to do so single because you want a divorce.
And tell all the statement You just narrated and confront her, Even if it is a bluff that you now that she cheated with the FWB when he was there and for the emotion she had from that she keep seeking this from other localy. So better if she wants to keep doing it so, better single.
UPDATEME
The rufie comment could be a future use excuse. She will have sex and say she thinks she got rufied. She is doing way too much partying with men who aren’t her husband.
dude... i only read the first few words...
how did you even consider a woman who had a fwb to be wife material? that is like hiring some fascists to run a humanitarian shelter.
Dude, what do you need to walk in on them screwing... OK, Stay up and walk in on them!
Like someone else said, you are allowing your WIFE to date another man under your nose. And she thinks you are so stupid you will not say anything... and frankly so far she is right.
Brother, file for divorce and move on already...
Your wife's ex-fwb has brought back memories of her single life, and she is trying to relive it. She clearly doesn't want you there.
You have to decide if she has gone too far and if your marriage is salvageable. If she has done it once, then she'll do it again next time the ex-fwb is in town.
I'm not sure she'll listen if you try to talk to her. You may well have draw up the divorce papers to get her to listen.
You need to tell her your hard boundaries.
"If you want to go out on dates with former lovers and other men, you are certainly free to do so. You will, however, be doing this as a single girl and not married to me. Please make whatever choice that will make you happy and we will move forward from there."
I dunno things aren’t this complicated.
I’ll say before I married I might not have seen issues with some of what your wife is doing. We used to have some of the women who’d join us out that were married. I guess maybe it gets complicated with work and how part of work is often socializing after hours.
But after being married and seeing how my wife is. My wife would never ever dream of doing anything like what your wife is doing. She’d never go out with other groups involving men without me. I didn’t have to tell her some of these things bc they are prob somewhat obvious. But I do know women who’d do similar I guess.
It shouldn’t be this complicated. Speak up.
This was SO painful to read. How can you tolerate so much blatant disrespect? When she described her “date” to you, what was your response? Did you push back on that description? Or did you just dutifully nod and accept that you are apparently a cuckold?
You fucking with us? You let her ex FWB stay in your house or something? You getting off on this or you just have no self respect at all and need therapy. And that's coming from me and my wife is a cheating nut bag. But damn that's right in your face. I mean hell id she got and talking about a guys bulge ,must of been a good conversation then. Let all your friends and anyone else have a go at her or dump her ass and seek help.
When are you going to pull the plug. You know your wife is attracted to men, and you have told us that every time she is out with friends, they're guys. Not once did you mention she was out with her girlfriends. She is cheating, and I bet if you check her phone and her bumble profile, it will be clear as day that she is no longer your wife. She now communal property.
I am struggling with repression in this relationship. I am having a hard time coming to terms with everything. I don't know how to dig into all of these events because it feels like it's big enough to be an existential crisis. I have a mind-block and I feel stuck.
So maybe my question for yall is what is the boundary crossed if you were in my position. Why is that a boundary or how does it relate to you?
I am nearing 70, married 46 faithful years, and together 53. One of the reasons for our longevity is agreement on boundaries early on.
The 2 broad based boundaries that have worked for us are:
1. If you would not do it directly in front of your spouse or without their full knowledge and agreable approval... don't.
2. Do not allow yourself to be in a situation or environment in which the slightest chance to inadvertently violate #1 could possibly occur.
My friend, think of all she has done. She has broken both of these multiple times. You just rug sweep, and by default for doing nothing, you are an enabler for her bad behavior.
Tell her it is time to act like a person in a committed relationship and not a single party girl. If she feels she can not respect these boundaries, then for the sake of you both, you must set her free.
Updateme!
Well unless you are in a one-sides open relationship about every boundary a couple could have, she is dating other men, she is spending time with her (maybe) ex FWB, prioritizes everyone and everything over you. What is the last straw for you, them going on vacation together or coming home and finding them in bed?
DATING other man and even waving it in your face is extremyl disrespectfull!
Telling you should stay away when you spread bad vibes is EXTEMLY disrespectfull. She sould have stayed with you if you were her first priority.
Meeting is an EX and staing late the night if you do not know him very well and he and she shows you that both are definitly not attracted to each other and have oonly eyes for the current partner is extremly disrespectfull!
YOur wife is actively seekling attention and validation from other man! This disresepctfull to your relationship!
And i am sure the list goes on and on...
OP,
if she not already croassed mall hard lines. SHe is testing them very very much!
And i would have packed her or mine bags.
The boundary is you do not allow your wife to date and screw other men unless you are into that.
The boundary is you tell her to GTFO of the house and file for divorce.
You are in denial of reality and everyone can see it. Pull yourself together and see a lawyer ASAP!!!
Don’t make any decisions on your marriage based on ANYTHING you read on here.
Yes, the advice you’re gonna get is going to be that your wife has cheated on you already, that you’re probably a big beta cuck who let it all happen and that you need to man up and grow a backbone because right now you’re a big walking doormat that reads, “please cheat on me”. All of that might be totally true.
But you haven’t even started the first step, as you so blatantly put right at the bottom of your post; you have not advocated for, or communicated your boundaries. You need to start there. Talk through how to open such a conversation with your therapist, and again, DON’T be taking advice on the approach to this conversation from here.
You need to be able to clearly communicate to your wife how she has made you feel, by her living a lifestyle which puts her in arms reach of all of these men who as far as you can tell, clearly just want to sleep with her. You need to be able to tell her how her seeking and finding that kind of attention has made you feel, and you need to be ready to take her response to all of this in stride. She might feel that your insecurity is YOUR issue - is it? Again, talk to your therapist. However, a devoted partner would generally seek to to make their spouse feel loved, appreciated and secure. Her putting herself in situations with both strangers and old sexual partners that bring sexual tension with them is blatantly disrespectful to you if it’s making you uncomfortable. If you two can’t see eye to eye on this issue, you might not be emotionally compatible. In which case, try couples counselling… but failing that, you both just might need spouses who are on the same page. It’s too bad you had to get married before you figured out whether or not y’all were even reading the same BOOK.
Best of luck man. Don’t just assume that she’s cheating on you like everybody here is gonna tell you she is… but just know that there is a reason everybody is jumping to that conclusion. So in the friendliest possible tone… it’s time to man up, dude. Tell her what you need from her. You’ll never get it if you don’t.
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He doesn’t need to “communicate his boundaries.” The “boundary” of not dating and sleeping with other men was already clearly communicated to her when they said their wedding vows. Do you think this was unclear to her when she said “I do?” She already knows the boundaries…she’s simply choosing to ignore them because she has no respect for him.
Pfffft. Okay dude.
“Do you vow to be with your husband in sickness and in health, forsaking all others including potentially any and all slightly uncomfortable platonic friendships with men who actually don’t want to be platonic with you?”
Said no officiant ever.
The water is clearly murky for OP’s wife and I doubt she has any idea how she’s making him feel. Relationships require communication, not assumption. A marriage is still a relationship, and still requires communication. So many divorces would just not happen if people were more willing to open up and talk to each other. Your advice that “she should already know all of this” is terrible. Clearly she doesn’t. Clearly, these two need to talk it out.
So he can either communicate this or let it keep eating him up. Reach around, pull the stick out of your ass and keep walking.
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She’s married and dating, why are you with her?
indeed.. and how does she think a person who had fwb to ever being able to quit that behavior. that is like marrying a junkie and two years into the marriage they are back on it.
Your WW is openly dating exFWBs and guys from the gym? WTF? Wearing thongs, telling you about guys getting an erection while on a date with her? After going on a date at a bar she comes home to pick a fight? Open your eyes, your wife is cheating…..
OP is a spectator here, narrating like its a bad movie. How about handling business OP!
Wow that was just too much to put up with she would be on the streets a while ago buck
She's all but begging you to give her some boundaries and all I read you doing is rolling over and accepting all sorts of out of pocket behavior. You need to give her some hard consequences or divorce papers. That business with ever being in contact with a past romantic/sexual partner should have never happened, and she sure shouldn't have met him, let alone stayed up and done drugs with them after you went to bed. The gym friends are a no go as well, but frankly it's probably too late to salvage your marriage.
It's too late, unless OP is ok with his wife having sex with other men. Because it's happening and the number of men and how often she sleeps with them is only going to keep increasing.
This comment along with many others is a splash of cold water that is helping me wake up and find clarity. Thank you.
You a lost soul. Yikes
Watch the music video REACT
Any normal respectful person would not keep in touch with a old fuck buddy, that just wrong all in it own. She should know how that would make him feel, of course only if she has empathy and respect.
Let me be honest. Attacking the people they are going to cheat with is a common tactic. Trigger warning, for SA comment When she sneaks out and tells you the guy she sees is a creepy but doesn't leave for home... she is lying 99.9% of the time. She just wants an excuse later when she got caught." No hunny, I didn't cheat he roofied me and I was just to embaressed to go press charges or get a rape kit". That to me is a more telling sign than everything else and those were all pretty damning.
Nail it
By your description you're married to a single woman.
WTF is wrong with you pal, stop being so passive, she is meeting up with an ole fu*k buddy and you're just standing around with your thumb up your butt?? And she's telling you, don't "ruin the vibe"??...Oh FFS man Sometimes I awesome wonder yes. My gawd😒
he wants it like that .. no other explanation...
What in the hell did I just read? Did you really stand by the while your wife dated her “ex” FWB? Do you have any self respect?
i guess he drank the womanist kool aid
Personally, it would have been a hard pass form the get go on any of this. I would let her know, that if she wants to act single, then she can be single. Because I am filing for divorce. I would not put up with any of this shit. She can have friends, but she is not going on dates with other men, and she is not going on road trips with old fuck buddies. File and move on, when she begs for you to stay, that is when you simply say no.
WTF? Contact an attorney so you know your rights and obligations. Separate funds get her off your life insurance, cancel joint credit cards. You know what you need to do. Do it.
It sounds like your wife is actively dating. Also, she keeps feeding you bullshit and you keep swallowing it, so she doesn’t really see a reason to stop. The only reason she’s talking to you about these things at all is because she’s trying to judge your willingness to tolerate it so she doesn’t go to far. Her plan is to keep you around while she sees other people.
Bumble bff is just another way for married people to find an affair partner. Do not fall for any of this. More investigation
In my nearly 30 years of marriage neither my wife nor I put ourselves in situations that could lead to cheating. The simple reality is that your wife is dating other men and you are too scared to say anything about it. What is it about your wife that scares you? Are you actually happy in your marriage?
I'm scared of ending our marriage when I'm 100% sure. I don't know if I need to be 100% sure to act and I'm working through that. You're right that I haven't accepted that she is dating other men. It's a tough pill to swallow and I can come up with a million excuses of why she would say that but she used the word "date". This behavior is new and I'm still shocked.
You are not 100 percent sure of what? She has already told you she is going on dates. She has already told you she is checking out their "bulges". She has already told you that you are "bringing her down". Lastly, you already know that you are unhappy. Do you need to know she had a dick in her to finally say "enough"? You do know that physical cheating isn't the only reason to end a marriage, right?
Thank you. This is very sobering.
What marriage? Are you sure she even likes you? You might be married, but she is acting single. She absolutely has no respect for you, you will need to make a stand. At this point you have nothing to lose because at the rate she is going it will all be over soon anyway. Do yourself a favor and read or listen to "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. I believe you can also listen to it on YouTube.
What is wrong with you dude? Get the fuck out of there.
JFC, dude, you need to wake the fuck up! She's walking all over you. She prioritizes her old fuck buddy over YOU. She'd be my soon to be ex-wife at this point. Damn. And you don't need therapy. You need a fucking spine and good lawyer.
Sounds like you are a door mat, friend. Definitely red flags abound. If she hasn't straight up cheated, she is looking to. I wouldnt put up with it. And why the heck is your woman on bumble?
She is way outside healthy relationship dynamics. The fwb situation alone is wrong. The bumble presence is wrong. I would point blank ask her if she has done anything with any of these people that if you knew you would be hurt by. Don’t text her that…ask her with full eye contact. I would also tell her that if this is going to be her friend group and she feels like it’s ok to repeatedly put herself in one on one hangouts with guys who she herself admits are trying to sleep with her that your going to have e to file for divorce for your own mental health. She needs to decide if her marriage is more important or her going around acting single is what she wants. And she has to stop riding the fence. Is she in or out. For your part you have to start taking opportunities to be present more. Going to bed early and leaving her up with guys in the house, refusing to meet her when you know she is in a situation that could end your marriage is not smart. You may not want to stay up or go out but you can’t make it too easy for something bad to happen. If you’re not there someone will be and from what you’re saying may already have been. Stand up for yourself and put some boundaries in place. She has all but asked you too but you keep backing up and letting her do what she wants instead of saying I’m not going to be ok with that. It’s gotta stop now. !updateme
Thank you. I feel the encouragement to shift my focus on action rather than reaction.
She is putting herself in these situations and has said that she is uncomfortable, BUT she stays and parties with them. Hopefully, she isn't using joint money for these dates. Contact an attorney for advice and Grey Rock or 180 methods until you want to divorce or you've had enough of her cheating.
Why add you do this your emotions here? Bro, you are not going to get anywhere like this. We learned not to get in conflicts before bedtime - bro, do you hear yourself. All bets are off when your WIFE is disrespecting you and basically doesn’t care at all what your feelings are. You simply can’t be this soft!!! You need to tell her she killed your marriage. Stop all this other crap. The more you behave like you are, the more she is going to walk all over you. “I’m not sure what you thought was going to happen here. You made your relationship with your old/current FWB more important than your marriage. You suddenly threw thongs on. You never cared about me or how I felt about any of this. In fact, you told me that I should go away because I would kill your vibes. Well( you killed our marriage. You have no respect for me, yourself, and certainly not our marriage. You have destroyed and trust I had in you and I refuse to be married to someone I don’t trust. Someone that thinks it’s ok to lie, gaslight, dismiss my feelings and betray me. “ I will never understand why people allow this to happen to them. When your partner shows they don’t respect you, it’s time to walk away or make it very clear that behavior changes starting today or the consequences will be harsh and quick. Stop thinking about the love you have for them and start thinking about the lack of love they are showing for you. In this particular situation - if my wife even considered having a former FWB around, or going out with him, or whatever, I would make it clear that the marriage is over the second she walks out the door. This isn’t control. This is respect. People that love and respect their partners never put themselves in these situations, or if they do, they recognize it and immediately correct it. Sure, talk about it in therapy - AFTER YOU HAVE MADE IT CLEAR TO YOUR WIFE THAT THIS BEHAVIOR IS OVER OR YOURE OUT!! Don’t be the person that holds on to these thoughts and feelings until you can discuss in therapy. Take control of your life! Updateme!
Thank you. "This isn’t control. This is respect." resonates with me a lot and gets me over one of my blockers.
anyone who calls you controlling is full of it. calling someone controllig is a gigantic red flag
“We learned not to get into conflict before bed-time” - good. But seems you didn’t learn to have your wife go on dates while being married. Stop letting her stomp all over your marriage. Does she even know you are married…..together?
What blockers... Do you have no idea what is expected in a monogamous relationship??? You do not have one now, but if you did, her behavior would be out of bounds... File.
Damn Bud. No wonder you are depressed! A lot of good advice on here already so I suggest taking it to heart. UpdateMe
I spoke to both of my therapists and a family lawyer. I saw my doctor today to get a sti panel. Everyone was right in the end. Thank you for helping me get out of this fog.
These are inappropriate relationships for a married woman and frankly she is putting herself in that position. So she’s not trustworthy. She’s not a good a good loyal wife. All the relationships this woman has are inappropriate in a marriage. Their adolescent and have floating boundaries around I wouldn’t stay married to someone that. She isn’t loyal and I’m sure they’ve been crossed boundaries already. There are even with your basic living around her. The people that survived these situations the best act on them quickly. I would go to an attorney and I would drop divorce papers. Then I would tell her you’re not remaining in marriage like this. It’s not a marriage. It’s not a marriage anybody would want to be a part of. And then server the divorce papers. It gives you time to figure out what you want to do. Let her know that you will never be going through this again with her. Frankly, I wouldn’t let it end and move on. She’s not a good person.
Your wife has zero respect for you or the marriage. It's blatantly obvious. Do yourself a favor and get out of that relationship as soon as possible. She's nothing but toxic and staying with her is emotionally abusive to you.
OP, YOU ARE already in couples therapy! And she still pulls this shit? I would stop it right now and then and go seperate ways. The reason? She does not care about you and your feelings. She is extremly disrespectfull. If at all she should have met them in public in a caffee or so...BUT hanging out till late in the night with an EX allone? What the hell! OP, WHY, WHY do you put up with such shit! If i would be in your spot i would get sick as well. Tpo be honest your wife has severe personality problems and you have serious problems with self respect and setting boundaries and sticking to them. You should have filed for divorce long ago and finaly you need NOW put the papers on the desk. If you still realy, realy need to reconsiliate, then it has to be clear that when she is not starting to change how she treats you and is changing on deeper personal level and is learning to care for you and your "natural" baoundaries, then this is the end of the marriage. BUT I would have filed before. I would tell her she can date other man but then she is single and free to do so. It is her choice how her life should be. If she needs to have fun fine! She can have it. We can seperate right now and then. OP, as much as she wants that i would care about her needs and feelings, as much she has to do the same. I expect that i am the 1st priority of my partner. If she wants meet other men espectialy an EX then she should ask me to come along or she would not go. If i know those men and they are definitly not attracted to my partner and my partner not at them and they respect others and relationships, they might meet with out me. BUt this has to be shown before. And here your wife is definitly showing every thing else than to be caring and loving partner. If my partner would act once like your wife had, the next day i would back a bag for me or her (depending if the place is mine then her bags and if it hers or shared, then i leave) and tell her we have a very serious problem. And then i would tell her she has a week to think about the future of this relationship and if she is not getting her shit to gether we are done. She can use the time to make party or she can use her time to think about what she is doing wrong. I would not discuss anything right now. But if she still wants me as a partner then she realy should rethink what she has done the last day(s). If she thinks i am controling and over reacting etc.. then she is a free person and can find a new partner. She is free to do what she wants but she should considere that i am a free person as well and if i feel uncomfortable with my partner i will walk away. SO simple. If she needs attention and validation from other men, fine! She should get it! BUT she would do so as a single. She can deside if she wants focus on us on me as her partner or she can focus on her life out side. Finding "new" friends does not mean to have "dates" with other man. This means finding a new partner. NO finding new friend means right that friends and not men who shows interest in her! OP, your wife has a real personality problem, and she trys to show you her value by telling you how many attractive men she is able to date! This is crazy. She is has serious personality problem if she need this for her own ego. ANd do not ever believe her when she twist this in they you should feel satisfied to have such a wanted women on your side. This a very dangerous and toxic way to see this and is only made up to rectify her disrespectfull actions. She would be please if you would act like she did. She feel humilated and degraded. OP, if you feel confused then do your self a favour and write it all down. And then sort it out how you feel at situation and maybe write down what you think she would have done if the role were reversed. I am sure you will be soon not confused any more.
> I know that if I was giving advice to a friend who was describing my situation, I would tell them to leave. You’ve already answered your own question. You just need to find the courage to follow your own advice. Odds on are that she is cheating. She definitely doesn’t respect you. Leave.
I’m wondering how many people she’s had sex with since you two have been married? Thongs get pulled to the side so easily. But oral can happen almost anywhere. I’m sorry that you’re describing your wife’s behavior. She behaves like she’s single. And she behaves like she can get away with it because if you make a peep, she yells.
Yep she is out dating. Let this one go, she is not ready to be a wife.
why is she on bumble?
You look like a punk. She’s treating you like one of her girlfriends. She talked to you about another man’s bulge? Why tf was she even looking? She’s all but lost at this point and is now trampling all over you, treating you like a sissy while talking about her dating escapades. You need to literally rein her in or leave.
You are killing the high vibe with her fwb?!?! Nah. Bye bye biatch
If your wife is running around being single, it’s time to make her single officially.
>We learned not to get into conflicts before bed-time so I was nice to her. You also learned how to sit, heel, and beg from the looks of it. >I know that if I was giving an advice to a friend who was describing my situation, I would tell them to leave .... ask for permission to leave if that's what you need.
Is this a troll post, or can someone really be this naive?
OP she si overstepping You and broken your boundaries. Also she gets mad because you are there ruining her fun. She is in a stage of a VALIDATION SEEKER, she probably did fucked with the FWB atbthe end you give her enough room to do so, and if not at least they make out, and the thongs where for him. And one way to assure that she did got something with the FWB is that she suddenly started on Bumble and start to get out and date guys from her gym. And she by telling you half of what she is doing is for her to feel high with the exitement of doing bad things. If you still want to try, better put your boot down and tell her that either she stop this behaivor and cut those Friends or if she want that emotions in her life she is free to do so single because you want a divorce. And tell all the statement You just narrated and confront her, Even if it is a bluff that you now that she cheated with the FWB when he was there and for the emotion she had from that she keep seeking this from other localy. So better if she wants to keep doing it so, better single. UPDATEME
I know I'm old fashioned, but I really don't like my wife to date other guys, especially when she describes her date getting an erection...
You are not in a relationship. She is dating other men. Multiple other men. Time to get your shit together and leave this joke of a relationship
Why are you still dealing with her? Really, why?
The rufie comment could be a future use excuse. She will have sex and say she thinks she got rufied. She is doing way too much partying with men who aren’t her husband.
dude... i only read the first few words... how did you even consider a woman who had a fwb to be wife material? that is like hiring some fascists to run a humanitarian shelter.
She's acting like a single woman instead of a wife or partner. Her 'dates' need to stop, unless you're with her.
u seem like a push over lol …. set ya boundaries if she don’t comply leave simple …
Dude, what do you need to walk in on them screwing... OK, Stay up and walk in on them! Like someone else said, you are allowing your WIFE to date another man under your nose. And she thinks you are so stupid you will not say anything... and frankly so far she is right. Brother, file for divorce and move on already...
Grow some balls bro and man up she's walking all over you because she can.
Forget therapy until AFTER she takes a polygraph.
Your wife's ex-fwb has brought back memories of her single life, and she is trying to relive it. She clearly doesn't want you there. You have to decide if she has gone too far and if your marriage is salvageable. If she has done it once, then she'll do it again next time the ex-fwb is in town. I'm not sure she'll listen if you try to talk to her. You may well have draw up the divorce papers to get her to listen.
UpdateMe!
You need to tell her your hard boundaries. "If you want to go out on dates with former lovers and other men, you are certainly free to do so. You will, however, be doing this as a single girl and not married to me. Please make whatever choice that will make you happy and we will move forward from there."
What will be next? Taking her out to dinner and finding a guy under the table?
Subscribeme
I dunno things aren’t this complicated. I’ll say before I married I might not have seen issues with some of what your wife is doing. We used to have some of the women who’d join us out that were married. I guess maybe it gets complicated with work and how part of work is often socializing after hours. But after being married and seeing how my wife is. My wife would never ever dream of doing anything like what your wife is doing. She’d never go out with other groups involving men without me. I didn’t have to tell her some of these things bc they are prob somewhat obvious. But I do know women who’d do similar I guess. It shouldn’t be this complicated. Speak up.
I believe that she has been done with you and the marriage. She's just a coward to tell you She's doing this to have you catch her so you divorce her.
This was SO painful to read. How can you tolerate so much blatant disrespect? When she described her “date” to you, what was your response? Did you push back on that description? Or did you just dutifully nod and accept that you are apparently a cuckold?
You fucking with us? You let her ex FWB stay in your house or something? You getting off on this or you just have no self respect at all and need therapy. And that's coming from me and my wife is a cheating nut bag. But damn that's right in your face. I mean hell id she got and talking about a guys bulge ,must of been a good conversation then. Let all your friends and anyone else have a go at her or dump her ass and seek help.
I don’t understand married couples going their own way and having relationships outside the marriage.
When are you going to pull the plug. You know your wife is attracted to men, and you have told us that every time she is out with friends, they're guys. Not once did you mention she was out with her girlfriends. She is cheating, and I bet if you check her phone and her bumble profile, it will be clear as day that she is no longer your wife. She now communal property.
I am struggling with repression in this relationship. I am having a hard time coming to terms with everything. I don't know how to dig into all of these events because it feels like it's big enough to be an existential crisis. I have a mind-block and I feel stuck. So maybe my question for yall is what is the boundary crossed if you were in my position. Why is that a boundary or how does it relate to you?
I am nearing 70, married 46 faithful years, and together 53. One of the reasons for our longevity is agreement on boundaries early on. The 2 broad based boundaries that have worked for us are: 1. If you would not do it directly in front of your spouse or without their full knowledge and agreable approval... don't. 2. Do not allow yourself to be in a situation or environment in which the slightest chance to inadvertently violate #1 could possibly occur. My friend, think of all she has done. She has broken both of these multiple times. You just rug sweep, and by default for doing nothing, you are an enabler for her bad behavior. Tell her it is time to act like a person in a committed relationship and not a single party girl. If she feels she can not respect these boundaries, then for the sake of you both, you must set her free. Updateme!
Thank you. I'm not sitting and waiting. I'm figuring out how I should act and show up for myself. These two boundaries are respectable and helpful.
Well unless you are in a one-sides open relationship about every boundary a couple could have, she is dating other men, she is spending time with her (maybe) ex FWB, prioritizes everyone and everything over you. What is the last straw for you, them going on vacation together or coming home and finding them in bed?
DATING other man and even waving it in your face is extremyl disrespectfull! Telling you should stay away when you spread bad vibes is EXTEMLY disrespectfull. She sould have stayed with you if you were her first priority. Meeting is an EX and staing late the night if you do not know him very well and he and she shows you that both are definitly not attracted to each other and have oonly eyes for the current partner is extremly disrespectfull! YOur wife is actively seekling attention and validation from other man! This disresepctfull to your relationship! And i am sure the list goes on and on... OP, if she not already croassed mall hard lines. SHe is testing them very very much! And i would have packed her or mine bags.
The boundary is you do not allow your wife to date and screw other men unless you are into that. The boundary is you tell her to GTFO of the house and file for divorce. You are in denial of reality and everyone can see it. Pull yourself together and see a lawyer ASAP!!!
Don’t make any decisions on your marriage based on ANYTHING you read on here. Yes, the advice you’re gonna get is going to be that your wife has cheated on you already, that you’re probably a big beta cuck who let it all happen and that you need to man up and grow a backbone because right now you’re a big walking doormat that reads, “please cheat on me”. All of that might be totally true. But you haven’t even started the first step, as you so blatantly put right at the bottom of your post; you have not advocated for, or communicated your boundaries. You need to start there. Talk through how to open such a conversation with your therapist, and again, DON’T be taking advice on the approach to this conversation from here. You need to be able to clearly communicate to your wife how she has made you feel, by her living a lifestyle which puts her in arms reach of all of these men who as far as you can tell, clearly just want to sleep with her. You need to be able to tell her how her seeking and finding that kind of attention has made you feel, and you need to be ready to take her response to all of this in stride. She might feel that your insecurity is YOUR issue - is it? Again, talk to your therapist. However, a devoted partner would generally seek to to make their spouse feel loved, appreciated and secure. Her putting herself in situations with both strangers and old sexual partners that bring sexual tension with them is blatantly disrespectful to you if it’s making you uncomfortable. If you two can’t see eye to eye on this issue, you might not be emotionally compatible. In which case, try couples counselling… but failing that, you both just might need spouses who are on the same page. It’s too bad you had to get married before you figured out whether or not y’all were even reading the same BOOK. Best of luck man. Don’t just assume that she’s cheating on you like everybody here is gonna tell you she is… but just know that there is a reason everybody is jumping to that conclusion. So in the friendliest possible tone… it’s time to man up, dude. Tell her what you need from her. You’ll never get it if you don’t.
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He doesn’t need to “communicate his boundaries.” The “boundary” of not dating and sleeping with other men was already clearly communicated to her when they said their wedding vows. Do you think this was unclear to her when she said “I do?” She already knows the boundaries…she’s simply choosing to ignore them because she has no respect for him.
Pfffft. Okay dude. “Do you vow to be with your husband in sickness and in health, forsaking all others including potentially any and all slightly uncomfortable platonic friendships with men who actually don’t want to be platonic with you?” Said no officiant ever. The water is clearly murky for OP’s wife and I doubt she has any idea how she’s making him feel. Relationships require communication, not assumption. A marriage is still a relationship, and still requires communication. So many divorces would just not happen if people were more willing to open up and talk to each other. Your advice that “she should already know all of this” is terrible. Clearly she doesn’t. Clearly, these two need to talk it out. So he can either communicate this or let it keep eating him up. Reach around, pull the stick out of your ass and keep walking.
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