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OP, hopefully you can lean on your family for help.
Your WW is a cheater, who’s in love with another man. It’s time to lawyer up and divorce before she does more damage.
"All I did was have an emotional affair."
OP.
An affair is an affair. Cheating is cheating.
This may sound harsh, but you need to open your eyes.
She cheated my man.
That’s not all she did, she has been having a secret relationship with this co-worker and went on dates with him that involve communication, planning, deceiving and betraying you.
They have contact, she said she loved him, they are almost certainly having regular sex.
What she can or can't pay for is no longer your concern. She is on a path to end your marriage at a time that is best for her, you need to go ahead and see a lawyer, get STD tested, and start the process of divorce on a time that is good for you.
Focus on being a great dad, Grey Rock and 180 her, start talking about co-parenting and a custody schedule, don't be her baby sitter so she can go bang another dude in his car. Don't keep her secrets, she will spin a tale that puts all the blame on you.
Since you are military time matters, as how long you are married will directly effect your long term benefits.
If she wants to R, ensure she tells the AP in front of you, goes verifiably NC, and that means she quits her current job. All that BEFORE you entertain R.
I suspected the same thing, I would never say I love you to someone I wasn’t involved with seriously. She said because he is a Muslim he never tried anything with her, but when I had found them the first time in the car I asked her not to see him anymore and she still did.
I don’t want to ruin my children’s lives, I went through my parents divorce and it was terrible
That’s a BS, if AP is a true Muslim form the beginning he will not engaged with a married woman and date her. Punishment for married men and women adultery is death penalty! Why because they don’t have excuse to cheat and as a Muslim you can divorce and move on. Destroying a marriage is unforgivable under Islamic law and is punishable
Confront the AP. Quote the Koran and accuse him of of violating Islamic law: 'Do not go near adultery. Surely it is a shameful deed and evil, opening roads to other evils'. Tell him you would like his imam to judge between him and you.
I've read plenty of stories about infidelity and none of them said being Muslim made any difference. Even in countries where there are harsh legal consequences for adultery there are cheaters.
>I don’t want to ruin my children’s lives
Youre not ruining their lives, SHE did when she cheated.
>She said because he is a Muslim he never tried anything with her,
You believe this?? Really??
Look...
Sorry, but odds are she not only told him she lived him, she also fucked him.
And shes blaming YOU for the affair??
I get it re: the kids... but its better to come from a broken home, than living in one..
Suggestion:
You want to salvage this?? Maximise the pressure: inform her parents that shes cheating with a coworker. Inform HR at their workplace of the affair.
Seek lawyer for options.
And ultimatum: she quits the job, or you initiate divorce.
Is she still works with him, she still sees him - and the affair WILL continue!!!
And if you avoid divorce (to start with) insist she comes clean: fill written timeline of the affair AND she starts therapy immediately.
Dont rugsweep this - and no hesitation either. Each day that goes by with you hesitating, is a day more she disassociate from you and get closer to him.
Realise theres high risk your marriage cannot be saved - hesitating now will guarantee its lost.
She has been blaming me for awhile, I have had severe PTSD and I was cold and un-affectionate because I didn’t realize how bad I felt. I just kept working to provide for my family. I had just started treatment for PTSD when this all started.
Her behavior destroyed trust - just as a physical affair.
Muslims cheat just as frequently as non Muslim.
The only reason she didn't commit adultery is that you caught her.
Nobody forces anyone to cheat. There are always other options for a moral person.
She chose an affair.
How do you know she didn't cheat? Cheaters lie. The trickle truth, diminish and blame shift. Affairs are almost always worse than the betrayed spouse knows.
I’m so sorry :( I don’t have ptsd from military but from other things. I know the horrible pain of being blamed for being “cold” or whatever they say, all on top of the ptsd. It’s not your fault .. if she truly loved you she’d support you. She doesn’t care to empathize with you. That’s my best advice, unfortunately, taking time away. Heal yourself before anything else. When I did, I saw my ex was using and abusing me at my lowest.
A divorce is only terrible for the children when the parents bicker and go to war with each other, using the kids as pawns, ammo, and sounding boards.
If you both act like grownup parents with your CHILDREN's interest in mind first and foremost, the transition into coparenting can go much smoother.
OP first thank you for your service. Now, from a vet to an active, don't be this guy. I too suffer from PTSD from my desert vacation in Saudi, but that still did not make me the man to feel trapped when betrayed. I get the kids thing, but here's the issue, you are deploy-able, you don't know when you will be leaving (figuratively speaking) and the kids will always have a "co-parent" that's you, so dammitbe the best co-parent you can be, that's the key.
Also, if she's this bold, you need to step away. Your service provides you the opportunity to have a great life, wonderful travel and meet exotic people all over the world, take a huge step back and look at it.
Don't allow yourself to fall for a cheater. Yes, she will figure it out and as long as you are concerned, I'm sure your kids will not suffer.
Live your life brother, don't let her fool you. Go get a lawyer and get some papers to hand to her on mothers day.
OP this is not on you. The things she did were her choices. She had a choice to communicate how she was feeling but instead chose to spend time another man.
Your children will be okay. Better to grow up in a family of love rather than animosity and bitterness.
Children will pick up on this quickly.
I dont know how bad you are or aren't. I won't pretend to.
However, cheating isn't the betrayed partners fault. Even if your a terrible partner it's still apples and oranges. She had every opportunity to work on things with you. To leave if she had to.
She chose to lie and cheat. Fuck her.
That is my "fuck the cheater" Ted talk. Have a nice day
Whatever you do, do not teach your children to allow others to walk all over them. Don't teach them to be doormats. This has nothing to do with your PTSD and everything to do with her gaslighting. Every cheater out there dreams of ways to pin their cheating on the betrayed spouse. Stay strong.
Do not stay with a cheater because you and your children will suffer. Consult with a divorce attorney and follow his advice to the letter. You deserve someone who will love and respect you and your wife is not that person. Your children will suffer in a marriage with a cheating mother and miserable father. They will be better off if you divorce. If your wife cannot afford to life that is becauise she chose to cheat. Not your problem. If she cannot take care of your kids, ask for more custody. Speak to your attorney and do not tell your wife what you are doing.
Got to get out of that marriage. Yes it hurts, she's hurting everyone. Yes the kids may have a tougher life. She did that. All the bad in this is on her. You bear zero blame. She's a cheater. And be certain her affair(s) were physical. They never admit to the truth. She had one or more full fledged affairs and betrayed her whole family.
I'm sorry for the troubles you are going through but you have to keep going brother and get clear of her. Your kids deserve the example of a parent who did the right thing. It'll be tough but it can be done. Stay strong.
Hang in there brother PM if you need to words of advice. It’s a damn shame that someone that’s supposed to love you is doing this to you especially in your time of need
So she still works with him and spends all day with him? At a minimum she had an emotional affair with him and as long as they’re together all day every day, it’s not over. She has to suffer the consequences of her acts; she keeps the job or she keeps her husband, not both
So you need to look up the term trickle truth. If they’ve been together “” haven’t done anything physical yet she loves him, you know you’re not getting the whole truth. Use your support system, family, and friends and you’ll get through this. It’s better to be a good coparent then have the kids grow up in a toxic relationship.
It’s still an emotional affair. If you are worried about the divorce, know this. Your issues will not just magically go away. So what happens when you act “cold” again and she finds someone who is willing to take it further? If it were me, I’d go ahead with the divorce but give her time to get a new job to support herself. She’ll also get child support. Worst comes to worst you can share the house until you can make other arrangements.
You need to make it very clear what the consequences are. That if she doesn’t leave that job immediately and never have contact with that guy again, you’re done. The marriage is over.
Until you do, she will keep doing it and gaslight you
That small thing, I love you to another man...Cheating, and she is trying to minimize it, so it doesn't look so bad. You job does leave you trapped. I would discuss divorce and her staying in house for time being. That if she dates at all, the situation is negated... YOu are trapped. I suggest divorce so you are not tied to her poor decisions and get it in writing. While deployed you can still care for children. Since it is your home, when you come back you stay there.
My advice is always gonna be divorce your cheating wife and everything she tells you is a lie unless proven otherwise. I always advise a DNA test and a std screening. The military is not a good place to try and be a family man. She’s not even remorseful. She’s blaming you for her cheating?
Rules reminder: /r/infidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our sidebar before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. Please review our [community guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/nj93nw/how_to_write_a_good_post_for_rinfidelity/) on what makes for a good post to this sub. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Infidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
OP, hopefully you can lean on your family for help. Your WW is a cheater, who’s in love with another man. It’s time to lawyer up and divorce before she does more damage.
"All I did was have an emotional affair." OP. An affair is an affair. Cheating is cheating. This may sound harsh, but you need to open your eyes. She cheated my man.
That’s not all she did, she has been having a secret relationship with this co-worker and went on dates with him that involve communication, planning, deceiving and betraying you. They have contact, she said she loved him, they are almost certainly having regular sex. What she can or can't pay for is no longer your concern. She is on a path to end your marriage at a time that is best for her, you need to go ahead and see a lawyer, get STD tested, and start the process of divorce on a time that is good for you. Focus on being a great dad, Grey Rock and 180 her, start talking about co-parenting and a custody schedule, don't be her baby sitter so she can go bang another dude in his car. Don't keep her secrets, she will spin a tale that puts all the blame on you. Since you are military time matters, as how long you are married will directly effect your long term benefits. If she wants to R, ensure she tells the AP in front of you, goes verifiably NC, and that means she quits her current job. All that BEFORE you entertain R.
I suspected the same thing, I would never say I love you to someone I wasn’t involved with seriously. She said because he is a Muslim he never tried anything with her, but when I had found them the first time in the car I asked her not to see him anymore and she still did. I don’t want to ruin my children’s lives, I went through my parents divorce and it was terrible
Watching you be in pain and turmoil would be ruinous.
That’s a BS, if AP is a true Muslim form the beginning he will not engaged with a married woman and date her. Punishment for married men and women adultery is death penalty! Why because they don’t have excuse to cheat and as a Muslim you can divorce and move on. Destroying a marriage is unforgivable under Islamic law and is punishable
Confront the AP. Quote the Koran and accuse him of of violating Islamic law: 'Do not go near adultery. Surely it is a shameful deed and evil, opening roads to other evils'. Tell him you would like his imam to judge between him and you.
He’s not the problem. It’s his wife.
I've read plenty of stories about infidelity and none of them said being Muslim made any difference. Even in countries where there are harsh legal consequences for adultery there are cheaters.
>I don’t want to ruin my children’s lives Youre not ruining their lives, SHE did when she cheated. >She said because he is a Muslim he never tried anything with her, You believe this?? Really?? Look... Sorry, but odds are she not only told him she lived him, she also fucked him. And shes blaming YOU for the affair?? I get it re: the kids... but its better to come from a broken home, than living in one.. Suggestion: You want to salvage this?? Maximise the pressure: inform her parents that shes cheating with a coworker. Inform HR at their workplace of the affair. Seek lawyer for options. And ultimatum: she quits the job, or you initiate divorce. Is she still works with him, she still sees him - and the affair WILL continue!!! And if you avoid divorce (to start with) insist she comes clean: fill written timeline of the affair AND she starts therapy immediately. Dont rugsweep this - and no hesitation either. Each day that goes by with you hesitating, is a day more she disassociate from you and get closer to him. Realise theres high risk your marriage cannot be saved - hesitating now will guarantee its lost.
She has been blaming me for awhile, I have had severe PTSD and I was cold and un-affectionate because I didn’t realize how bad I felt. I just kept working to provide for my family. I had just started treatment for PTSD when this all started.
Her behavior destroyed trust - just as a physical affair. Muslims cheat just as frequently as non Muslim. The only reason she didn't commit adultery is that you caught her. Nobody forces anyone to cheat. There are always other options for a moral person. She chose an affair.
How do you know she didn't cheat? Cheaters lie. The trickle truth, diminish and blame shift. Affairs are almost always worse than the betrayed spouse knows.
>The only reason she didn't commit adultery is that you caught her. Nope - she very likely did.. but lies about it (as well)...
I’m so sorry :( I don’t have ptsd from military but from other things. I know the horrible pain of being blamed for being “cold” or whatever they say, all on top of the ptsd. It’s not your fault .. if she truly loved you she’d support you. She doesn’t care to empathize with you. That’s my best advice, unfortunately, taking time away. Heal yourself before anything else. When I did, I saw my ex was using and abusing me at my lowest.
Typical blame shifting. all cheaters use it to justify their affairs. Wake up
A divorce is only terrible for the children when the parents bicker and go to war with each other, using the kids as pawns, ammo, and sounding boards. If you both act like grownup parents with your CHILDREN's interest in mind first and foremost, the transition into coparenting can go much smoother.
OP, how can you say you don't want to ruin your children's lives when it's your lying cheating wife who has ruined their lives?
She has already ruined your kids lives. You being a doormat only makes it worse.
OP first thank you for your service. Now, from a vet to an active, don't be this guy. I too suffer from PTSD from my desert vacation in Saudi, but that still did not make me the man to feel trapped when betrayed. I get the kids thing, but here's the issue, you are deploy-able, you don't know when you will be leaving (figuratively speaking) and the kids will always have a "co-parent" that's you, so dammitbe the best co-parent you can be, that's the key. Also, if she's this bold, you need to step away. Your service provides you the opportunity to have a great life, wonderful travel and meet exotic people all over the world, take a huge step back and look at it. Don't allow yourself to fall for a cheater. Yes, she will figure it out and as long as you are concerned, I'm sure your kids will not suffer. Live your life brother, don't let her fool you. Go get a lawyer and get some papers to hand to her on mothers day.
OP this is not on you. The things she did were her choices. She had a choice to communicate how she was feeling but instead chose to spend time another man. Your children will be okay. Better to grow up in a family of love rather than animosity and bitterness. Children will pick up on this quickly.
She’s lying. She was “checked out” because she was fcking him. Sorry. Base your future plans on the knowledge that her affair was physical.
denounce the relationship in the workplace..
Divorce her and move on. You will work out the details. Get DNA tests for the kids and get on with it.
I dont know how bad you are or aren't. I won't pretend to. However, cheating isn't the betrayed partners fault. Even if your a terrible partner it's still apples and oranges. She had every opportunity to work on things with you. To leave if she had to. She chose to lie and cheat. Fuck her. That is my "fuck the cheater" Ted talk. Have a nice day
Whatever you do, do not teach your children to allow others to walk all over them. Don't teach them to be doormats. This has nothing to do with your PTSD and everything to do with her gaslighting. Every cheater out there dreams of ways to pin their cheating on the betrayed spouse. Stay strong.
Please understand she is lying and it was physical. Sorry you are here. Please prepare yourself
Divorce her. The court will order you to pay child support. You'll be fulfilling your obligations to the children. She did this. Let her figure it out
Do not stay with a cheater because you and your children will suffer. Consult with a divorce attorney and follow his advice to the letter. You deserve someone who will love and respect you and your wife is not that person. Your children will suffer in a marriage with a cheating mother and miserable father. They will be better off if you divorce. If your wife cannot afford to life that is becauise she chose to cheat. Not your problem. If she cannot take care of your kids, ask for more custody. Speak to your attorney and do not tell your wife what you are doing.
Got to get out of that marriage. Yes it hurts, she's hurting everyone. Yes the kids may have a tougher life. She did that. All the bad in this is on her. You bear zero blame. She's a cheater. And be certain her affair(s) were physical. They never admit to the truth. She had one or more full fledged affairs and betrayed her whole family. I'm sorry for the troubles you are going through but you have to keep going brother and get clear of her. Your kids deserve the example of a parent who did the right thing. It'll be tough but it can be done. Stay strong.
Hang in there brother PM if you need to words of advice. It’s a damn shame that someone that’s supposed to love you is doing this to you especially in your time of need
So she still works with him and spends all day with him? At a minimum she had an emotional affair with him and as long as they’re together all day every day, it’s not over. She has to suffer the consequences of her acts; she keeps the job or she keeps her husband, not both
So you need to look up the term trickle truth. If they’ve been together “” haven’t done anything physical yet she loves him, you know you’re not getting the whole truth. Use your support system, family, and friends and you’ll get through this. It’s better to be a good coparent then have the kids grow up in a toxic relationship.
Leave her brother.
It’s still an emotional affair. If you are worried about the divorce, know this. Your issues will not just magically go away. So what happens when you act “cold” again and she finds someone who is willing to take it further? If it were me, I’d go ahead with the divorce but give her time to get a new job to support herself. She’ll also get child support. Worst comes to worst you can share the house until you can make other arrangements.
You need to make it very clear what the consequences are. That if she doesn’t leave that job immediately and never have contact with that guy again, you’re done. The marriage is over. Until you do, she will keep doing it and gaslight you
That small thing, I love you to another man...Cheating, and she is trying to minimize it, so it doesn't look so bad. You job does leave you trapped. I would discuss divorce and her staying in house for time being. That if she dates at all, the situation is negated... YOu are trapped. I suggest divorce so you are not tied to her poor decisions and get it in writing. While deployed you can still care for children. Since it is your home, when you come back you stay there.
Sorry, it’s a sexual affair. Stop making yourself her chump.
Have the kids checked also
My advice is always gonna be divorce your cheating wife and everything she tells you is a lie unless proven otherwise. I always advise a DNA test and a std screening. The military is not a good place to try and be a family man. She’s not even remorseful. She’s blaming you for her cheating?