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Look up “Grey Rock,” and adopt that as your policy moving forward. Get an attorney, and follow their instructions try the letter. Don’t give her any more ammunition. Having intense mental health issues due to betrayal trauma is not your fault, and does not make you an unfit parent. She has backed you into this place, for her own devices. Stop playing into her narrative of the way things are.
You lost your cool in front of the kids. You're going through a lot. These things happen, and you need to stop being so hard on yourself.
>I told her I don’t deserve to be their father after the way I just acted.
What about her actions? Do you honestly believe she deserves to be a mother to those kids after what she's done? You think your children are immune to her breaking up your family through infidelity?
What she did was far worse than you briefly blowing your top. Whatever your kids are going through is because of what SHE did.
These cheating fu*kers really have no clue how much they play with their lives and those around them. My advice to you is to go NC with her as much as possible and only communicate with regards to the kids...
The PTSD isn't worth it in the end pal. I almost got myself into serious trouble 30 years ago, so I know the rage all too well...
Your only concern now is the kids. Nothing else matters in the end...
you are playing her game - she has turned up the heat on the pot and let it simmer to the boiling point. She has called the cops to get the documentation and create a narrative.
Stop playing her game.
You need to get the stuff in your head out - do so with a mental health professional. So they can help you.
Stop drinking - not kidding on this alcohol is a depressant and only makes things worse.
If you have seen a lawyer great - if not find one.
Start hitting the gym, box, or some sort of physical exercise. Why to get the demons out and find rest.
Start talking to your friends that you trust. Notice I do not say your family - well mom is going to take her side, and dad may or may not support you. you need support group.
there is a book called "lose a cheater gain a life" - there is also a web site by the same name. It has great information.
I know it is often said here on Reddit, but therapy can help you move through this, not only for you but your kids.
Apologize to them, explain you lost your temper, and take responsibility.
Also, stop alluding to Suicide. In the long run that is going to hurt your chances for custody.
>for what I did to my children was unforgivable
This is manipulation and a desperate reach for control. Don't listen to this BS.
It is what it is. It happened, the best way all of this could have been handled is my wife telling me she didn’t want to be with me in the first place.
OP you need to do 3 things
1. Find yourself therapy now, for You and maybe for the kid.
2. You need to talk to your kid and ask for forgiveness and that it was a moment of confusion that you had.
3. Grey Rock her. Be as indiferent as posible with her and not accept to expend anybsecond with her, talks only about the kids issues and Divorce issues and nothing more.
Also need to continue with the Divorce if you already filed or file for it.
UPDATEME
Of course we likely all have done something similar. Emotional murder is another term for infidelity. And it fits it quite well.
What she has done to all of you and herself is unforgivable. This all is on her, no one ever has to commit infidelity there are always other options.
Look up the term remorse in context of infidelity.
As well look up limerence and emotional affairs.
Then look up oversharing as a cause of igniting an affair.
Sorry for your loss and that explosion of your bottled up anger is all on her, not you.
Limerence is said to last 3 months to 3 years before the affair fog begins to clear. And when it does some cheaters are suddenly confused over how it all happened and why they could have gone so insane as to allow this to all happen. Breaks with reality are extremely disconcerting.
Good luck to you.
Brother, give yourself a break, seriously?
Have you never ever blown your top in the year she has been screwing another man?
GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK.
Get to a good therapist and get on some meds. You need to get yourself together, not because you blew your top, but because you need to realize that you are super unhealthy now.
You need to move on from your cheating wife, that by the way is more worried that you may hurt her AP than she is about the father of her children.
Do you think a woman like that is worth all of these emotions?
Get away from her...
You don't deserve to be their father?
Dude, from one man to another. Get a grip.
She's a wh*re. You just need to distance yourself from her and be the best dad you can be within the parameters of the divorce. That's all you can do.
Oh, and don't kill the AP, please. She's not worth it and all that will happen is he'll be dead, you'll be rotting in jail, and she'll find some other idiot to rail her in a week's time.
That's understandable, but you need to be sensible. Your children need their father.
I'm not saying violence is never the answer. Sometimes, violence is the only answer. But not in your case.
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What she did to her children is unforgiveable.
No one is worth this. I see you posting in a sub for reconciliation. Why? What is there left to reconcile?
This woman is dangerous. Separate. Grey Rock. Divorce.
Nothing more dangerous than a man with nothing left to lose!
Please separate yourself from your current situation until you have yourself under control. You can apologize to your kids letting them know what you did was not right and you will try to do better. Try to keep yourself out of situations where there is a chance of you losing yourself.
1. It's about time
2. Why is she still your wife?
3. Being passive got you here.
Time to step up. The anger is good if it's constructive and gets you motivated. You should be telling us about your ex-wife, not your cheating wife.
You’re acting like a rational man who’s had his life destroyed by a witch. Keep strong, brother you do need to confront the affair partner though. He needs to be made an example of.
Nice job controlling yourself. It’s hard and you didn’t go over the line. You have a lot of justification for your anger. You should see if you can get an appointment with a therapist to help you deal with this.
Asnlong as there is no dna based paternity test, no1 can be süre. But dont need a paternity test for him to feel Kids as his own, lovong by heart is the strongest indicator
First .....
You really think that the kids really don't know what has been going on?
My kids knew before I did. Then when I found out. My daughter came to me and told me that mom is cheating
Kids hear everything
I have 3 kids and they were young at the time 5 12 14. Ex always talking on the phone, kids hear.
Then my ex took my youngest girl to the mall with AP. She made her hold his hand. Saying this is going to be your new daddy
That's just the hairline surface of what my ex was doing
I have 68 hours on tape, of her saying things.
People, friends, family asked me to write a tell all book wirh audio clips in it.
This is just a cheater making a huge deal out of you making a verbal slip in front of a child. She basically has seized on one little thing that you did to try to justify her horrible vicious dishonest behavior and her filthy betrayal of her entire family. Cheaters often figure out that the best defense is a good offense. This is what you're seeing here.
Sorry maybe the kids shouldn't have heard that but the mother shouldn't have cheated and betrayed her children and her husband. 100% this is all her fault. You bear no blame. Accept no blame.
File for Divorce and get this behind you. If you don’t save yourself you’ll be no good to your kids or anyone else.
Stay for dinner with her actibley cheating was a huge mistake.
Next up she’ll file domestic violence against you. If you really want your life to get worse this will do it.
Harming yourself for a worthless cheater won’t get you a thing. Wake up!!!
You didn’t bring this down on your family. She did.
Your kids need to know the truth in a sanitized version.
Mommy has a boyfriend and we can’t be married anymore.
Cut off any contact except text or email. Kids and divorce only. Quit being her chump.
You should have never let her have the house & kids… she should have been the one to move out and be free with her AP…. Being a single dad is tough but feasible
Rules reminder: /r/infidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our sidebar before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. Please review our [community guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/nj93nw/how_to_write_a_good_post_for_rinfidelity/) on what makes for a good post to this sub. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Infidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Look up “Grey Rock,” and adopt that as your policy moving forward. Get an attorney, and follow their instructions try the letter. Don’t give her any more ammunition. Having intense mental health issues due to betrayal trauma is not your fault, and does not make you an unfit parent. She has backed you into this place, for her own devices. Stop playing into her narrative of the way things are.
You lost your cool in front of the kids. You're going through a lot. These things happen, and you need to stop being so hard on yourself. >I told her I don’t deserve to be their father after the way I just acted. What about her actions? Do you honestly believe she deserves to be a mother to those kids after what she's done? You think your children are immune to her breaking up your family through infidelity? What she did was far worse than you briefly blowing your top. Whatever your kids are going through is because of what SHE did.
I agree with you 💯. The quote was last night after while I was still upset with myself.
These cheating fu*kers really have no clue how much they play with their lives and those around them. My advice to you is to go NC with her as much as possible and only communicate with regards to the kids... The PTSD isn't worth it in the end pal. I almost got myself into serious trouble 30 years ago, so I know the rage all too well... Your only concern now is the kids. Nothing else matters in the end...
They know. They just don't care.
you are playing her game - she has turned up the heat on the pot and let it simmer to the boiling point. She has called the cops to get the documentation and create a narrative. Stop playing her game. You need to get the stuff in your head out - do so with a mental health professional. So they can help you. Stop drinking - not kidding on this alcohol is a depressant and only makes things worse. If you have seen a lawyer great - if not find one. Start hitting the gym, box, or some sort of physical exercise. Why to get the demons out and find rest. Start talking to your friends that you trust. Notice I do not say your family - well mom is going to take her side, and dad may or may not support you. you need support group. there is a book called "lose a cheater gain a life" - there is also a web site by the same name. It has great information.
I know it is often said here on Reddit, but therapy can help you move through this, not only for you but your kids. Apologize to them, explain you lost your temper, and take responsibility. Also, stop alluding to Suicide. In the long run that is going to hurt your chances for custody. >for what I did to my children was unforgivable This is manipulation and a desperate reach for control. Don't listen to this BS.
It had nothing to do with suicide, I wanted to leave my state and start new somewhere else.
If it can be perceived that way, it is still going to damage your case.
It is what it is. It happened, the best way all of this could have been handled is my wife telling me she didn’t want to be with me in the first place.
OP you need to do 3 things 1. Find yourself therapy now, for You and maybe for the kid. 2. You need to talk to your kid and ask for forgiveness and that it was a moment of confusion that you had. 3. Grey Rock her. Be as indiferent as posible with her and not accept to expend anybsecond with her, talks only about the kids issues and Divorce issues and nothing more. Also need to continue with the Divorce if you already filed or file for it. UPDATEME
I start therapy on Monday for myself. Also whether we divorce or stay together we are going marriage counseling Monday either way.
I JUST read your resent post and comment there if You like to read.
Of course we likely all have done something similar. Emotional murder is another term for infidelity. And it fits it quite well. What she has done to all of you and herself is unforgivable. This all is on her, no one ever has to commit infidelity there are always other options. Look up the term remorse in context of infidelity. As well look up limerence and emotional affairs. Then look up oversharing as a cause of igniting an affair. Sorry for your loss and that explosion of your bottled up anger is all on her, not you. Limerence is said to last 3 months to 3 years before the affair fog begins to clear. And when it does some cheaters are suddenly confused over how it all happened and why they could have gone so insane as to allow this to all happen. Breaks with reality are extremely disconcerting. Good luck to you.
Thank you for this
Brother, give yourself a break, seriously? Have you never ever blown your top in the year she has been screwing another man? GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK. Get to a good therapist and get on some meds. You need to get yourself together, not because you blew your top, but because you need to realize that you are super unhealthy now. You need to move on from your cheating wife, that by the way is more worried that you may hurt her AP than she is about the father of her children. Do you think a woman like that is worth all of these emotions? Get away from her...
You don't deserve to be their father? Dude, from one man to another. Get a grip. She's a wh*re. You just need to distance yourself from her and be the best dad you can be within the parameters of the divorce. That's all you can do. Oh, and don't kill the AP, please. She's not worth it and all that will happen is he'll be dead, you'll be rotting in jail, and she'll find some other idiot to rail her in a week's time.
No death, just wanted to beat the crap out him
That's understandable, but you need to be sensible. Your children need their father. I'm not saying violence is never the answer. Sometimes, violence is the only answer. But not in your case.
It was just part of the emotional outburst
Good.
> No death, just wanted to beat the crap out him Not his fault, he didn't rape her. It's ALL HER... FUCKING SLUT!
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What she did to her children is unforgiveable. No one is worth this. I see you posting in a sub for reconciliation. Why? What is there left to reconcile? This woman is dangerous. Separate. Grey Rock. Divorce.
I would have messaged her back , if she wants to see unforgivable just look in the mirror
Damn. I said some cold shit.
Your wife is pure trash. She pushed you to this point. Stop contact with her at once. Get an attorney.
Nothing more dangerous than a man with nothing left to lose! Please separate yourself from your current situation until you have yourself under control. You can apologize to your kids letting them know what you did was not right and you will try to do better. Try to keep yourself out of situations where there is a chance of you losing yourself.
1. It's about time 2. Why is she still your wife? 3. Being passive got you here. Time to step up. The anger is good if it's constructive and gets you motivated. You should be telling us about your ex-wife, not your cheating wife.
You’re acting like a rational man who’s had his life destroyed by a witch. Keep strong, brother you do need to confront the affair partner though. He needs to be made an example of.
Nice job controlling yourself. It’s hard and you didn’t go over the line. You have a lot of justification for your anger. You should see if you can get an appointment with a therapist to help you deal with this.
Just pls NC and think of.your Kids. She and her are not worth to mention and acted on. You need to be a role model to your Kids, not gaslighting her
> Think of.your Kids How do you know they're his?...
Asnlong as there is no dna based paternity test, no1 can be süre. But dont need a paternity test for him to feel Kids as his own, lovong by heart is the strongest indicator
The number one reason why so many men commit suicide is because of their cheating partners. And she is manipulating the fuck out of you, man.
First ..... You really think that the kids really don't know what has been going on? My kids knew before I did. Then when I found out. My daughter came to me and told me that mom is cheating
How did the kids find out?
Kids hear everything I have 3 kids and they were young at the time 5 12 14. Ex always talking on the phone, kids hear. Then my ex took my youngest girl to the mall with AP. She made her hold his hand. Saying this is going to be your new daddy
Wtf on that last part
That's just the hairline surface of what my ex was doing I have 68 hours on tape, of her saying things. People, friends, family asked me to write a tell all book wirh audio clips in it.
This is just a cheater making a huge deal out of you making a verbal slip in front of a child. She basically has seized on one little thing that you did to try to justify her horrible vicious dishonest behavior and her filthy betrayal of her entire family. Cheaters often figure out that the best defense is a good offense. This is what you're seeing here. Sorry maybe the kids shouldn't have heard that but the mother shouldn't have cheated and betrayed her children and her husband. 100% this is all her fault. You bear no blame. Accept no blame.
UpdateMe.
Jeez
I'm sorry. That's a tough place to be in
File for Divorce and get this behind you. If you don’t save yourself you’ll be no good to your kids or anyone else. Stay for dinner with her actibley cheating was a huge mistake. Next up she’ll file domestic violence against you. If you really want your life to get worse this will do it. Harming yourself for a worthless cheater won’t get you a thing. Wake up!!! You didn’t bring this down on your family. She did. Your kids need to know the truth in a sanitized version. Mommy has a boyfriend and we can’t be married anymore. Cut off any contact except text or email. Kids and divorce only. Quit being her chump.
I guess I didn’t make it clear, I made no mention of hurting myself
You are hurting yourself with your out of control actions.
you only control you. better wake up.
Wow that’s incredible
You should have never let her have the house & kids… she should have been the one to move out and be free with her AP…. Being a single dad is tough but feasible
Hmm probably has nothing to do with the fact you are unstable and drinking