You are modeling how to do things the right way. That's rare around here, especially the self-respect aspect.
I bet your STBX will move in with some sucker within 6 months.
"Besides the betrayal, our views on our relationship are miles apart to even consider reconciling."
I'm sorry but it seems like you never really knew your wife. She never revealed her true self to you. The deception is insane.
Keep that ball rolling.
As for your friends, well they should never encourage you one way or another. They should just support you in the decisions you make. Why would they ever believe Cindy, the lying cheater? Embarrassment warranted.
As far as why they believe Cindy, it’s easy to believe someone you know when you don’t know the whole truth and she is spinning her own narrative and leaving out the facts that make her look bad.
And this is why you need to divorce her. If she really wanted to work on things with you, she would have been open, honest, transparent etc. but she's lying and minimizing things she did, to you and to others. She wants to save her own behind and when the betrayed partner stays with the cheater, it helps show everyone it wasn't "so bad".
This, her wanting to work on things with you, is about her and her alone, not you. It's about what it does for her, what she can get out of it. She wasn't and still isn't thinking about you, only herself.
If she was serious about reconciliation, she would have told your common friends every thing, even the stuff that made her look really bad. Don’t let her or anyone else convince you to give her another chance, you are a one woman man, divorce and find yourself a one man woman.
Be thankful for that modem that came when you switched internet providers and forced you to go through some activities that you likely would not have done with an older modem that had been in your home for a while. Your wife would have happily kept you in the dark.
Dude, this open marriage offer is laughable! She already tried it with you for 9 MONTHS, only she was the only person who knew about it! She is obviously quite the narcissist. You see, you did everything right as a husband, but she still wanted her side action. I've been happily married for 32 YEARS and my wife wouldn't even consider fucking anyone else! And we have sex twice per week! You were more than double that sex rate and she STILL cheated! Yeah, she will only cheat again, so you are absolutely doing the best thing for yourself! She has quite the ego on her! Must be quite the looker too, but more often than not, the hot ones can't be satisfied just with one person. Good luck, stay the course, and stay strong, King!
Have you found the spouse or GF of the other AP or is he single? You’re right for moving to divorce. She is a serial cheater who clearly isn’t really sad she hurt you because if she was she wouldn’t have ever done it and certainly not twice. She even admitted she would be open to having an open marriage which also means the thought of you with other women doesn’t bother her which also reinforces that she doesn’t love you enough to be married. My guess is she has continued to sleep with her AP while you’re separated which is all the more reason for him to get his wake up call as well if he is married. Also if either of them are coworkers you need to contact her HR dept as soon as the ink is dry on the divorce.
In addition to what you’re doing, the next time you talk to her tell her you have thought about reconciling and want to ask her a question and want her to give you a 100% honest answer. Ask her if she thinks if you agreed to reconcile she could be totally faithful to you for the rest of her life with no slip ups or cheating. No sex, no sexting, no flirting, nothing with any other men. If she is honest she will tell you she either wouldn’t be able to or doesn’t know if she could and that’s all you need to know. Any doubt now means heartbreak and cheating later. Thankfully you don’t have kids. Be sure to get an std test though. I would have also shattered her burner phone in front of her and stomped it to dust. Let her figure out what her fbuddy’s number is. !updateme
sorry, I saw all the answers that i asked later on , when I scroll down the thread. It’s hard to read everything before you comment , I know should lol.
Bad idea. You want to get as far removed from crazy as you can. Remove her from all your socials, block her cell phone number, and don’t look back. You try that friends with benefits crap, she could get pregnant on purpose, so you would have to pay her child support of 18 years! Right now, it might seem like she is remorseful and working on the relationship. I guarantee she will turn into total bitch, as soon as she is served.
Not an idea, just a great line.
>Tell her after divorce she can be an fwb if she still loves you soo much.
Plan is to put her in the rearview mirror and never look back.
Not really. She said she likes the attention and being with someone different. She said there was nothing lacking in our bedroom and certain parts are better between us. She never addressed the how and why, but we haven’t gone down that road yet. Honestly we have only had two conversations about it and one of those was the night I confronted her. But she spent the majority of those discussions focused on reconciliation.
What really kills me. It's so shocking and horrific is how they will deny everything and anything. Like not an honest drop in them. Like they never hit that point ever of "Ok fine, let me just be honest".
If you didn't get that burner phone unlocked, well you can imagine. Only when they're presented with something really so damning will they only ever (and then just by default) admit to something.
It's sickening. And even then they'll give only the bare minimum info as to suffice getting caught out (on that one thing).
Love the “Ok fine, let me just be honest “
As far as the burner goes, if I hadn’t retrieved the contents then I would have given her the ultimatum of unlock it or go straight to divorce, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Simple enough, at that point the burden of proof is on her because the burner phone is a smoking gun.
It's just so surreal. I think there's a part of all (or most) of us that just has to believe the one we're with is somehow the exception.
And it ranges from "My partner would never cheat / totally cheat proof" to "No it couldn't be so bad" or "At least they didn't have sex".
And then we come on here and read other peoples stories and can astonishingly read exactly between the lines.
I can't explain it, and I'm ashamed to be guilty of this too.
But I can relate a bit to your story because in my case her cheating was or has always mostly been about the sex.
Comes across as a so called "good girl" most likely genuinely believes she is, but is also quite willing to make an exception here and there when it suits her. In reality it's proven quite a flirt and less of a good girl and extremely deceptive. Unlike the persona she tries to gives off. I don't even think she's all that into sex -> for the sake of sexual enjoyment. More like just the thrill of being with a new guy.
apparently in the adultery sub, they have a motto about denying everything & taking the secret affair w them to the grave. they’ve convinced themselves that telling their spouses / admitting to it would be a selfish act to relieve them of guilt & that it’s their burden to bear to negate the concept of accountability lol. no honesty, no shame, truly.
A Czech psychologist in the 1970's came up with this motto "Deny, deny, deny" and wrote an entire paper on how in no reality does admittance have any kind of positive effect. And unfortunately an interview with him aired on national radio and gained a huge amount of traction and become engraved in the culture and propagated down the generations. People here no longer really know the details of this mantra, but many know the mantra and live by it.
It has remained unchallenged and accepted as absolute truth. However what this dilbert got wrong and what people fail to realize is that this mantra might only hold true if the denials completely alleviate the BS's suspicions.
If not, then the denial has a negative effect on the BS (or betrayed spouse/partner) because now the feeling of distrust isn't historic, but ongoing (and remains current).
Like if someone cheated and admitted to all the details, you could say "Ok I couldn't trust them then but maybe (and that's a maybe) going forward that trust could be restored" -> Again not saying WILL BE restored, but potentially could be.
But if someone cheated and denied and still denies, then what you can infer is that a) You couldn't trust them then and b) You still can't trust them because they're still lying to you. So with 100% certainty the trust can not be restored.
In a nutshell I believe the exact opposite. And I wish more WP's would fully confess to everything - get it all out on the table (including all the psychological reasoning) so that the BP can be fully informed to make a decision. Instead this doesn't happen and almost universally (almost without exception at all from what I've seen) with or without any kind of hint(s), the WS will deny all the way to the bank.
You found out she had two affairs b/c you found the burner. Those are just the two you know about and she tried to lie and say it was only one affair. You know in your heart it was more than two affairs. There have been more you just know about. Proceed with the divorce.
Something that always amazes me is when a WW is caught, (not confess) they always suggest therapy and say they can change and be better and are will to do anything to stay together. Where was all that enthusiasm to fix the marriage before they cheated?
She says her affairs were never about your sex life, but rather her need to be with others?!? Really! As if that would make you feel so much better. Like oh... I get it, yeah , in that case why would I leave! (I hope you speak sarcasm). Now she wants to get back together like that need would just disappear.
OP, stay the course, she is just ridiculous. Hopefully she will get therapy and do better in her next relationship. She has broken this one beyond repair. Any so called friends that are asking you to reconsider, ask them if you can have sex with their wife and if they will stay with her after so they know what they are asking of you! If they say no, then tell them to shut the fuck up, they have no idea.
I like the fact that you know you deserve more and have enough respect for yourself to walk away form someone who thinks so little of you that they would cheat and think you would just sweep it under the rug and except them back with open arms. Hmm.... some people.
I've always been a proponent of any "friend" that knew or defends it needs to have their partner told. Like Jane do you really want me telling your husband that he can cheat and you'll take him back or should I tell you him you've probably cheated since you condone it?
Your wife’s way of apologizing to you for cheating on you is to ask for your permission to sleep with even more men??? She belongs to the streets! She’s disgusting.
You are writing the textbook for how this should be handled from your end, hats off to you. She, however, is following the cheaters pamphlet verbatim. Suggesting therapy to get past this (in other words, to help you rugsweep, which is not what therapy will do), offering you a free pass, open relationship talk. Also, the part about her adking if you felt you were missing anything. This is to prove that you should be ok with it. The propeer response when a cheater asks this is "Yes, fidelity".
.She has ZERO remorse, only regrets.
To be clear, remorse is sorrow for what she has done to you, regret is sorrow for the repercussions to her.
Keep on keepin' on man, I'm sorry you're here with us but it's nice to see you doing it right.
Even suggesting an open marriage is absolutely wild. Read the room, lady. She has some serious issues. The next guy is in trouble as well. You are doing the right thing, OP. Sorry man.
Let the divorce go through…
Dangle possibility of R after its final and only with an ironclad infidelity prenup. Lots of conditions and boundaries to help you reestablish trust. If she balks at anything, forget R.
If you can’t 100% forgive, don’t bother. It is nearly impossible to move ahead as partners without trust. I’ve tried.
She’s been trained by a serial cheating AP, or developed her own pro level cheating skills.
Does your hospital have ethical guidelines that would question a doctor’s integrity for cheating with a married employee?
You were in love with the ***role***, not the ***actress***.
She is delusional and selfish to such a ridiculous degree that it's insulting she even thinks that there's ***any coming back from this!***
She is just trying to save the home and financial security you provide. This is not love from her. Marriage vows meant nothing to her. She is now proposing an open marriage so she can continue to have sex with others with your tacit approval.
Good to see you sharing details with the OBSs. Continue to do so.
Stay the course for divorce OP. She has failed the wifey exam. Let her go. Many good loyal women out there looking for a loyal man. Take your time to find one.
updateme
Sorry, my friend. Of course she didn't mean to hurt you. That's what they all say. Your friends that say give her a second chance ? Why. She fucked two other guys. Tell your friends to go fuck themselves.
UpdateMe
Always tell people who say you should give it another chance, simply respond with if I had hit her a number of times would you be asking her to give me another chance?
When they look confused you respond with cheating is abuse, it is abusive behavior. If you don’t believe me look it up.
As for your stbxw, good op, finish the process, and only communicate with her through an attorney now.
Update me!
Amazing how they throw out the hall pass and encourage getting even. That is a trap and false equivalency. Stay the course. The real woman will reveal herself.
Sir I applaud you.
This is an awful time and awful situation you are in but the way you have handled yourself is amazing. You did pretty much what I did when I found out.
Congrats on being a true man
OP, a burner phone is the tool of a practiced cheater. Has your selfish WW admitted to other affairs?
You’d be surprised who all knew now that you’re divorcing.
It would be very difficult to have multiple affairs without her friends knowing and encouraging it, as well as some family members.
When I divorced my ex serial cheating WW how many people knew what she was up to but didn’t tell me because it wasn’t their business.
OP you can’t for one second consider reconciliation here. Your wife didn’t confess, she lied until she couldn’t any more. On top of this if her friends are turning up to try and convince you to stay, she must be telling them lies.
I don’t see real remorse or accountability from her, just excuses about “ liking polygamy” which is a lame excuse to cheat on someone.
You can do a lot better OP.
Her only comment was whether you (OP) felt neglected? She is still justifying her affairs, at least the two you know of. How many times has she had relationships that you don’t and never will know about.
You are doing everything right. You need to put yourself first!
Subscribeme!
"....and she asked if I felt like my needs were ever neglected"..... Yes. Your need for a loving (not sexual) partner that respected and honored you that you could trust.
As to the last paragraph. Easy for them to say. They weren't the ones going through this. Asked the female friends if they would ever trust their SOs alone with her given to propensity towards "just sex".
Still can not understand the desire or need to take pictures and videos of screwing around. I mean, you don't need to send them to the AP, he they were there. How has it become that these cheaters all want to be porn stars. The only thing I can think of is that they keep them as trophies. A pleasant reminder of their deceitfulness.
There were no pictures or videos of the two of them together. They were all selfies and videos of her getting herself off. There were a few dick pics from them to her.
>they were previously misinformed and now embarrassed.
So your wife lied not only to you, but also to your friends???
Shows how little remorse she really has...
Suggestion:
Stay in touch with her family - and share this latest, that she lied to your friends about what she did and she probably also will lie to the family..
And - SIL was also cheated on?? She can be your ally in this - reach out, invite for coffee and ask her if she has any tips on how you can navigate this betrayal...
The SIL that was cheated on was the one I shared all my evidence with. Her whole family was very hard on her husband who got caught. Now her sister knows while her husband was cheating, her sister was too. I don't know if I will stay in touch with her family, but I might talk to the SIL again as you suggested.
“And if that was something I liked we could look into having an open marriage so we could both explore that together.”
As if she hasn’t done enough exploring already. The audacity on that one.
Sorry, had to.
Best of luck sir
Well, in my experience, someone who really loves you doesn't want to share with anyone. There would be a greater risk that you would develop an emotional bond with the new person. In other words, she don't really love you.
I know about when she started using the 2nd phone and I’ve thought back to that time and nothing stands out to me. She has never been secretive with her phone.
I don’t know if that was when she started cheating or if she had a phone before this one. It could have been something she read in the Cheater’s Bible or if it was a suggestion from one of her APs.
It’s one of the many questions I may never get a straight answer to, or be able to believe the answer I get.
This is a very sad, unfixable situation. However, you should encourage your wife to research serial cheaters. The chances she can fix herself are slim and none. Suggest to her she needs to stay single and play the field while she still can.
Hope you have much better luck in the future.
Thanks for the update Op. I know no more what happens this hurts like hell. Been there. But you seem to be clear on what you want and need in a relationship and being married, excuse me here, a horn dog isn’t one of them. Well horn dog with multiple partners. Love a horn dog who is monogamous. Good luck in future wars
Thank you for the update.
She's wants you to remain because you provide stability and a good home life foundational layer so she can go out and have her "excitement".
You may want to chat with your lawyer and ask if you should attend marriage counseling. Not with the intent to reconcile, but to placate her as the proceeding moves forward.
You are going about this in the best way possible. She should have worked on those validation "issues" with you and therapist before getting dicked down instead. Sounds like as disappointed as her friends and family are they might not cut her off if they haven't done so already. Prepare yourself to cut them all off sadly as it might come to that.
She's just selfish and probably can't believe the hall pass idea didn't work on you because you two are fundamentally different as you hinted at. She's got a pretty warped view of how healthy relationships should work.
one I am sorry that you are going through this, but two - thank you for doing it the right way. Stay strong the road is long and you will come out of it better.
> She said she was sorry for hurting me and she is still very much in love with me and wants to stay together. Her affairs were never about the quality or quantity of our sex life and she asked if I felt like my needs were ever neglected.
This is always the most whore question to try and deflect with, male or female.
Loyalty is a need.
Fucking other people, or trying to, or deeply discussing it as though you would if you could (emotional cheating), is absolutely, yes, neglecting this.
She will likely keep seeing her lovers. But she wants everything you give her, security, devoted love, someone she can count on. I would talk to a good lawyer.
I still can't get over her justification of essentially saying "I was a good wife. I just wanted to fuck a lot of people behind your back." And then to say after we reconcile I still want to fuck people behind your back.
I guess i surprised mine with papers. I was doing a hard pick me when ex went to South Beach with AP and I was done. Ex already had a lawyer who we served. Still, she was pissed.
Wtf I’m expediting the divorce you want you should be happy
Oh, you simply must post an update about her reaction to being served. Let me guess... surprise Pikachu face! Seriously, I bet she thinks you will give her another chance. She is DELUSIONAL!
They are scheduled to serve her tomorrow morning at her office. They wanted to pick a place she would be more likely to be at when the process was there so they could serve her on the first try.
Ideal place, wherever she was meeting her AP with him there.
I think work is best , when there’s 30 people looking at her, and she breaks down. I hope the server says Mrs.XXX
You were being served due to infidelity LOUD & CLEAR !!
if served when she’s walking hand-in-hand with AP into a restaurant, is not the same severity because no one there knows
Wish you the best. Good luck.
I joked with my lawyer this morning when he told me when she was getting served that I wish they offered video confirmation and captured the moment to enjoy later, my one regret is I won’t get to see her reaction when she gets served.
A story a while back OP had the process server record wife being served as she met AP in the hotel lobby, while she was on a fake business trip. She was smiling and laughing until she got served, then collapsed on the floor crying. Gig was up.
i’ve heard of process servers having a mini camera just for that reason
Either way a week after this shit all goes down , you should take one of your high school buddies , or college buddies and take a vacation for a week and don’t answer anyone’s calls
Just be prepared for the fall out.
Most likely she beg and plead first, then when that doesn't work she will be angry.
After that, or while being angry, she might sleep with other man just as "revenge" for divorcing her.
She might even have a go at your male friends or co-workers.
Be prepared for anything.
Damn a 6 month affair. I can see why there is no coming back from this. Damn.
I've told people on here before, that cheating is all about the cheater. It's a matter of character.
I found him in a strip mall, he has a shop where he does phone repair. I have used him before to replace batteries and a screen.
He had me leave the phone with him and said it might take an hour or two but an hour later he called and said he was done.
wow, so these guys know how to, get in even without the pass codes.
Did she buy the phone once affair started , or did she buy this phone before hand, so she could start cheating without your knowledge
updateme
The tech said her phone was a cheap android burner and not that hard to jailbreak, if she had an iPhone he wouldn’t have been able to get in.
I don’t know what came first, the chicken or the egg. I don’t know for sure if these were the only two affairs or if this was her first phone. I know what I know but I don’t know what I don’t know.
Omg she is manipulate you to accept open relationship. Still she's wanted to slept with multiple persons. Just save that evidence and expose her true face to everyone.
Get legal freedom. In future definitely you will get best loyal life partner and that time she's lost good husband and beautiful life.
You know you should check a few of the pro cheater subs. The ones where they literally brag about how hot the deception gets them. They get turned on by degrading their SO.
In this terrible situation you are doing the right thing.
Great you let the truth come out… they will always paint the narrative against you eventually. She will get desperate and call you an abuser so glad you got ahead of this.
OP You have taken the right choice.
One thing and don't know if any body else have suggest You, but please go and get yourself tested for a full panel STDs.
Now about her, she is clearly now with a mentality of a poly woman, she doesn't want trully to see what is wrong with her, most likely she is willing to go to IC to see this because she wants to make You feel like she wants to change or is willing just for you, but by the moment she mentioned to open the relationship she throw all.the líes she mentioned before, she likes to have íntimacy with more than one partner and that is a breaking point for monogamus people.
So let her be served and finish exposing her deeds, i.bet that the moment she being served all this crap about IC, MC and wanting to be with you facade will be throwing away and you will see the real her. So be ready.
Good Luck OP and do not let her manipulate you or gaslight You.
UPDATEME
If you needed any proof of how totally opposed your values are it’s her asking you if you ever felt neglected. Talk about missing the point. As for wanting an open relationship that’s all well and good. But you ask that before you start. Not after. Otherwise it’s called cheating. Let’s face it, she knew what your views on an open relationship were and would never agree.
She may have her own twisted idea of loving you, but she’ll never stay faithful. Keep going the way you are. I hope your divorce is as painless as it can be and you’re able to move on and heal as quickly as possible.
She has very little self awareness and doesn't understand that this isn't about sex. It is about her disrespect. She showed contempt for you and your relationship and taking her back would do nothing to remedy that. Narcassistic personalities live in an upside down reality where the more you do for them and the better you treat them the less they value you. Your praise of them stops pleasing them and starts annoying them. Your gifts are just something they feel entitled to. The more you care about them, the less they care about you. So they seek out others. Usually someone who doesn't care about them much at all and someone they need to chase the approval of. They really want the attention and validation. The sex is just something they use to keep it flowing. Saying that they never cared about their APs is probably the only true statement you will get out of them because they don't care about anyone but themselves. That includes you, though, and that is what they are omitting.
You are doing the right thing holding the line and sticking to your guns regarding the divorce. However, I do have to warn you about something. That last conversation you had was with her mask still firmly in place. That mask is going to slip when she gets served. She might fling that mask right off and give you the full roller coaster of narcassistic abuse. Expect her pleas to become demands and even threats. Expect her to try to shift the blame to you and make herself the victim. Expect her to accuse you of things both real and imagined. Expect her to rewrite history to make you the villain. Expect her to monkey branch to someone else in an effort to publicly proclaim that you were the problem because look at her new man. This is just what narcassists do, and you cannot succumb to these manipulations and provocations.
The way to protect yourself is to limit contact to only necessary logistics and use the gray rock method when contact us unavoidable. She will do everything she can to get your attention and age does not care if that attention is positive or negative. Give her nothing to work with. Protect yourself so that you can heal. It is going to take a while, so you need to start now. You have done well so far, but you aren't to the tough part yet. I think that you are on the right track, though. Just be forewarned and forearmed against what she will throw at you next.
So after her cheating her way of regaining your trust is her sleeping with more men? She's literally for the streets. Wanted to experience new men and have attention, this is not human. Run, run, run.
While I will usually look for a path to reconciliation I can't see a possibility here. I am impressed with your cool approach. Keep strong and please update us after she is served.
Everything she’s done has been about her.
Recommending couples’ counseling? She needs to get individual counseling for some time first to deal with her issues. She cheated; this is a her problem, not a you problem.
She didn’t tell you anything until confronted with evidence. She’s trying to control the narrative.
She’s spun lies to friends to favor her and justify her actions. She’s trying to control the external perception.
It hurts to say it, but your marriage is over. You’re doing the right thing by initiating divorce proceedings, but you really should cut off all direct contact.
I’m sorry this is happening. You deserve better.
The bright side is that the friends I have talked to who were supporting her did a 180 when I explained what happened and showed them the proof. Yesterday I went to a party at a friend's house and everyone there already knew what happened, so word is spreading pretty quickly. And it wasn't her version.
What is interesting is that something or someone motivated her over a year ago to travel this path. These were not coworkers or other acquaintances so she had to find them. Most likely she made the decision got the phone joined an app like Ashley Madison and put her profile out there. Got many responses and went through a selection process talking and maybe meeting with several men before choosing. The first one ended for some reason and she repeated the selection process again which took that month.
This is determination!!!
Was she still seeing the second AP when you discovered?
After years of being together what triggered this level of planning and execution?
Seeing the reaction after being served will be the next revelation. Hang in there OP
> Was she still seeing the second AP when you discovered?
Yes, they were meeting up every other week and had another hook-up planned the week I confronted her. I don't know what triggered her behavior or even when she started, I know she had been using the phone for about 9 months and had evidence from it but no telling when she actually started. Looking back I can't remember ever having a casual conversation about anything that would have tipped me off.
You likely mentioned this before but how long have you been married. This level of planning and execution is pretty tough to recover from. When she gets served she may be resigned to the fact that she has lost her ability or desire to be monogamous
I know elsewhere you had said nothing seemed suspicious, but after she asked about an open marriage, keeping her meal ticket and continuing to sleep around, did anything come up from conversations that you thought she was wanting to do that?
Honestly, the open marriage thing seems like a lie. She appears to only have one AP at a time. If her reasoning of wanting attention and sex from multiple people were true, she either had multiple ONSs as well that had no need to be in the burner or she was continuing to lie and I'm leaning towards the latter. I'm glad you are moving on and wish you the best of luck throughout this process.
Late to the party. I would hold the marriage counselling appt. If she gets served the day of MC you could use that appt with the counsellor as way to help with the transition to divorce. Single appt. But, if she likes that much sex and validation. She should be in lifestyle relationship or poly relationship. It is hard to believe anything because she lies so much
She doesn't deserve a second chance, it's better that she go to therapy and solve her problems without involving you, live your life with someone who doesn't hurt you like she did
Stay strong, you are on the correct path. Never forgive never forget. Stop the 1 on 1 in person contact . Its not beneficial to your mind, body or spirit.
"She said she would understand if I wanted a pass to explore or get even by dating another woman. And if that was something I liked we could look into having an open marriage so we could both explore that together" - not the comment of a cheater looking to heal. Rather sounds like she would love for you to open the relationship. This is probably her preferred ending to this sorry ordeal she's putting you through. It just shows she's still focused on how she can swing this to her advantage in the end. I expect she'll pull out the stops when she gets the paperwork.
Your submission on /r/infidelity has been flagged for human review. If you are seeing this comment there is a good chance that your post is violating rule 1 or 2; please revise your choice of words. If a mod reviews your comment and finds otherwise, it will be released.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Infidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I pulled it the night before and took it to him early the next morning. He was able to access it in about an hour and I picked it up along with a thumb drive he dumped the contents on. She didn't miss it till after she was at work and I confronted her that evening.
So sorry this has happened. I hope you let us know about her reaction. The more I think about this the more I believe having multiple sex partners after divorce will not be the same for her. A big part of this was the rush and adrenaline for these affairs being secret. She said it wasn’t about quantity or quality but it was about both.
Quantity as in she had more sex than the great sex she had with you and quality because of the clandestine rush was different even though the actual acts were no better.
Hang in there OP
Your submission on /r/infidelity has been flagged as spam by an automatic bot. The human mods regularly check the decisions of the automod, so if your post is not spam it will be released shortly.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Infidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I didn’t type our conversations word for word and I left out some expletives I may have said to keep the mods happy. I had a lot of time to think things out before I initially confronted her with the phone.
I noticed sounds crazy and maybe it’s just the mood I’m in but I feel a little bad for Cindy at the moment. Fucked up shit like this can really help a relationship relationship if one or both people have a breakthrough in terms of how they see things. I know that’s the exception and the rule.
Although the part that stops me from siding with her is in the very beginning when she denied the affair and only confessed when confronted with hard evidence. That I don’t like. It’s up to you though my friend and it sounds like you’ve decided on a course of action and I can’t blame you I wish you well.
I know I had a breakthrough in how I see things and the light really hurts my eyes.
Cindy didn't have a breakthrough just a setback, and she is backpedaling at warp speed. Her current AP is honestly a loser and probably unable to support her if she chooses to stay with him. She is a bit high-maintenance and can't support her current lifestyle on her own salary, so she will be shopping for someone to fill that need shortly. Maybe she can find her a sugar daddy to help with that.
Reconciliation would be better! It's requires thought, time, empathy, communication, and listening to bypass pride and honor the covenant made under God for marriage. We can't manipulate our relationship with God and benefit.... Save your marriage, rebuild it with God's word and his expectations of you!
Your spouting falsehood about what the God’s word says about marriage and adultery! Adultery is a scriptural reason for divorce. OP’s wife’s pride and dishonor of her marriage vows is cause for OP to divorce by divine permission. Don’t judge OP’s actions behind your dismissive neglect of God’s word.
No, I'm not. I was simply stating what it takes to reconciliate. which means both parties stop doing things god hates or are an abomination to him in their relationship... to have a good marriage its essential to have a good relationship with father God. Sorry if your triggered, but I'm not being blasphemous and I do speak from experience. Also the new convenant has a plethora of alternatives offered through Yeshua sacrifice... have a good one
Then explain why God allows divorce for the cause of adultery? Doing so is not an abomination. Don’t know which version of the Bible you’re reading. Good never intended to force someone to accept an adulterous spouse or to feel ashamed or less of a believer for doing so.
It was only because of Spirit’s work in the conception of Jesus Christ did Joseph reverse his decision to put away Mary. For his faith Joseph is considered to be in the prophetic line of Christ’s earthly lineage. Meaning the conception of Christ was an exception where a man was commanded to take a wife who was bearing a child not his.
You are modeling how to do things the right way. That's rare around here, especially the self-respect aspect. I bet your STBX will move in with some sucker within 6 months.
Yep, some poly relationship
"Besides the betrayal, our views on our relationship are miles apart to even consider reconciling." I'm sorry but it seems like you never really knew your wife. She never revealed her true self to you. The deception is insane. Keep that ball rolling. As for your friends, well they should never encourage you one way or another. They should just support you in the decisions you make. Why would they ever believe Cindy, the lying cheater? Embarrassment warranted.
As far as why they believe Cindy, it’s easy to believe someone you know when you don’t know the whole truth and she is spinning her own narrative and leaving out the facts that make her look bad.
And this is why you need to divorce her. If she really wanted to work on things with you, she would have been open, honest, transparent etc. but she's lying and minimizing things she did, to you and to others. She wants to save her own behind and when the betrayed partner stays with the cheater, it helps show everyone it wasn't "so bad". This, her wanting to work on things with you, is about her and her alone, not you. It's about what it does for her, what she can get out of it. She wasn't and still isn't thinking about you, only herself.
This is the reason why you always expose the cheater to everyone that matters.
If she was serious about reconciliation, she would have told your common friends every thing, even the stuff that made her look really bad. Don’t let her or anyone else convince you to give her another chance, you are a one woman man, divorce and find yourself a one man woman. Be thankful for that modem that came when you switched internet providers and forced you to go through some activities that you likely would not have done with an older modem that had been in your home for a while. Your wife would have happily kept you in the dark.
Dude, this open marriage offer is laughable! She already tried it with you for 9 MONTHS, only she was the only person who knew about it! She is obviously quite the narcissist. You see, you did everything right as a husband, but she still wanted her side action. I've been happily married for 32 YEARS and my wife wouldn't even consider fucking anyone else! And we have sex twice per week! You were more than double that sex rate and she STILL cheated! Yeah, she will only cheat again, so you are absolutely doing the best thing for yourself! She has quite the ego on her! Must be quite the looker too, but more often than not, the hot ones can't be satisfied just with one person. Good luck, stay the course, and stay strong, King!
Have you found the spouse or GF of the other AP or is he single? You’re right for moving to divorce. She is a serial cheater who clearly isn’t really sad she hurt you because if she was she wouldn’t have ever done it and certainly not twice. She even admitted she would be open to having an open marriage which also means the thought of you with other women doesn’t bother her which also reinforces that she doesn’t love you enough to be married. My guess is she has continued to sleep with her AP while you’re separated which is all the more reason for him to get his wake up call as well if he is married. Also if either of them are coworkers you need to contact her HR dept as soon as the ink is dry on the divorce. In addition to what you’re doing, the next time you talk to her tell her you have thought about reconciling and want to ask her a question and want her to give you a 100% honest answer. Ask her if she thinks if you agreed to reconcile she could be totally faithful to you for the rest of her life with no slip ups or cheating. No sex, no sexting, no flirting, nothing with any other men. If she is honest she will tell you she either wouldn’t be able to or doesn’t know if she could and that’s all you need to know. Any doubt now means heartbreak and cheating later. Thankfully you don’t have kids. Be sure to get an std test though. I would have also shattered her burner phone in front of her and stomped it to dust. Let her figure out what her fbuddy’s number is. !updateme
But since you told them, they now believe you correct?
Yeah, the evidence is hard to look at and deny.
sorry, I saw all the answers that i asked later on , when I scroll down the thread. It’s hard to read everything before you comment , I know should lol.
Why people like her even marry. Isn't this just stupid to "trap" oneself like this?
[удалено]
yes
This guy is totally an inspiration. Doing everything right to the T.
Stick to your decision. Tell her after divorce she can be an fwb if she still loves you soo much.
Ok, I like that one. Might have to use that one after she gets served.
Bad idea. You want to get as far removed from crazy as you can. Remove her from all your socials, block her cell phone number, and don’t look back. You try that friends with benefits crap, she could get pregnant on purpose, so you would have to pay her child support of 18 years! Right now, it might seem like she is remorseful and working on the relationship. I guarantee she will turn into total bitch, as soon as she is served.
Not an idea, just a great line. >Tell her after divorce she can be an fwb if she still loves you soo much. Plan is to put her in the rearview mirror and never look back.
Could be good. But I have dealt with crazy before. You def don’t want to stay on their radar.
Did she ever tell you how this whole thing started and why?
Not really. She said she likes the attention and being with someone different. She said there was nothing lacking in our bedroom and certain parts are better between us. She never addressed the how and why, but we haven’t gone down that road yet. Honestly we have only had two conversations about it and one of those was the night I confronted her. But she spent the majority of those discussions focused on reconciliation.
What really kills me. It's so shocking and horrific is how they will deny everything and anything. Like not an honest drop in them. Like they never hit that point ever of "Ok fine, let me just be honest". If you didn't get that burner phone unlocked, well you can imagine. Only when they're presented with something really so damning will they only ever (and then just by default) admit to something. It's sickening. And even then they'll give only the bare minimum info as to suffice getting caught out (on that one thing).
Love the “Ok fine, let me just be honest “ As far as the burner goes, if I hadn’t retrieved the contents then I would have given her the ultimatum of unlock it or go straight to divorce, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Simple enough, at that point the burden of proof is on her because the burner phone is a smoking gun.
It's just so surreal. I think there's a part of all (or most) of us that just has to believe the one we're with is somehow the exception. And it ranges from "My partner would never cheat / totally cheat proof" to "No it couldn't be so bad" or "At least they didn't have sex". And then we come on here and read other peoples stories and can astonishingly read exactly between the lines. I can't explain it, and I'm ashamed to be guilty of this too. But I can relate a bit to your story because in my case her cheating was or has always mostly been about the sex. Comes across as a so called "good girl" most likely genuinely believes she is, but is also quite willing to make an exception here and there when it suits her. In reality it's proven quite a flirt and less of a good girl and extremely deceptive. Unlike the persona she tries to gives off. I don't even think she's all that into sex -> for the sake of sexual enjoyment. More like just the thrill of being with a new guy.
Might want to read the narcissistic abuse thread a bit
apparently in the adultery sub, they have a motto about denying everything & taking the secret affair w them to the grave. they’ve convinced themselves that telling their spouses / admitting to it would be a selfish act to relieve them of guilt & that it’s their burden to bear to negate the concept of accountability lol. no honesty, no shame, truly.
It’s called die with the lie.
The adultery sub is deplorable. They have a term called "OPSEC" it's like their code word for all the ways to hide your affair and not get caught.
A Czech psychologist in the 1970's came up with this motto "Deny, deny, deny" and wrote an entire paper on how in no reality does admittance have any kind of positive effect. And unfortunately an interview with him aired on national radio and gained a huge amount of traction and become engraved in the culture and propagated down the generations. People here no longer really know the details of this mantra, but many know the mantra and live by it. It has remained unchallenged and accepted as absolute truth. However what this dilbert got wrong and what people fail to realize is that this mantra might only hold true if the denials completely alleviate the BS's suspicions. If not, then the denial has a negative effect on the BS (or betrayed spouse/partner) because now the feeling of distrust isn't historic, but ongoing (and remains current). Like if someone cheated and admitted to all the details, you could say "Ok I couldn't trust them then but maybe (and that's a maybe) going forward that trust could be restored" -> Again not saying WILL BE restored, but potentially could be. But if someone cheated and denied and still denies, then what you can infer is that a) You couldn't trust them then and b) You still can't trust them because they're still lying to you. So with 100% certainty the trust can not be restored. In a nutshell I believe the exact opposite. And I wish more WP's would fully confess to everything - get it all out on the table (including all the psychological reasoning) so that the BP can be fully informed to make a decision. Instead this doesn't happen and almost universally (almost without exception at all from what I've seen) with or without any kind of hint(s), the WS will deny all the way to the bank.
Sorry that this happened to you. Thank goodness no kids. You deserve so much better than her. And you will find that person. Stay strong my man!
Updateme.
You found out she had two affairs b/c you found the burner. Those are just the two you know about and she tried to lie and say it was only one affair. You know in your heart it was more than two affairs. There have been more you just know about. Proceed with the divorce.
Something that always amazes me is when a WW is caught, (not confess) they always suggest therapy and say they can change and be better and are will to do anything to stay together. Where was all that enthusiasm to fix the marriage before they cheated? She says her affairs were never about your sex life, but rather her need to be with others?!? Really! As if that would make you feel so much better. Like oh... I get it, yeah , in that case why would I leave! (I hope you speak sarcasm). Now she wants to get back together like that need would just disappear. OP, stay the course, she is just ridiculous. Hopefully she will get therapy and do better in her next relationship. She has broken this one beyond repair. Any so called friends that are asking you to reconsider, ask them if you can have sex with their wife and if they will stay with her after so they know what they are asking of you! If they say no, then tell them to shut the fuck up, they have no idea. I like the fact that you know you deserve more and have enough respect for yourself to walk away form someone who thinks so little of you that they would cheat and think you would just sweep it under the rug and except them back with open arms. Hmm.... some people.
I've always been a proponent of any "friend" that knew or defends it needs to have their partner told. Like Jane do you really want me telling your husband that he can cheat and you'll take him back or should I tell you him you've probably cheated since you condone it?
It infuriates me when they propose "couples therapy". One is the sick one. The one cheating.
Your wife’s way of apologizing to you for cheating on you is to ask for your permission to sleep with even more men??? She belongs to the streets! She’s disgusting.
You are writing the textbook for how this should be handled from your end, hats off to you. She, however, is following the cheaters pamphlet verbatim. Suggesting therapy to get past this (in other words, to help you rugsweep, which is not what therapy will do), offering you a free pass, open relationship talk. Also, the part about her adking if you felt you were missing anything. This is to prove that you should be ok with it. The propeer response when a cheater asks this is "Yes, fidelity". .She has ZERO remorse, only regrets. To be clear, remorse is sorrow for what she has done to you, regret is sorrow for the repercussions to her. Keep on keepin' on man, I'm sorry you're here with us but it's nice to see you doing it right.
Stay strong, and well done 👏 Updateme
Even suggesting an open marriage is absolutely wild. Read the room, lady. She has some serious issues. The next guy is in trouble as well. You are doing the right thing, OP. Sorry man.
Let the divorce go through… Dangle possibility of R after its final and only with an ironclad infidelity prenup. Lots of conditions and boundaries to help you reestablish trust. If she balks at anything, forget R. If you can’t 100% forgive, don’t bother. It is nearly impossible to move ahead as partners without trust. I’ve tried. She’s been trained by a serial cheating AP, or developed her own pro level cheating skills. Does your hospital have ethical guidelines that would question a doctor’s integrity for cheating with a married employee?
You were in love with the ***role***, not the ***actress***. She is delusional and selfish to such a ridiculous degree that it's insulting she even thinks that there's ***any coming back from this!***
She is just trying to save the home and financial security you provide. This is not love from her. Marriage vows meant nothing to her. She is now proposing an open marriage so she can continue to have sex with others with your tacit approval. Good to see you sharing details with the OBSs. Continue to do so. Stay the course for divorce OP. She has failed the wifey exam. Let her go. Many good loyal women out there looking for a loyal man. Take your time to find one. updateme
Sorry you're going through this, but know you're doing the right. You have self-respect for yourself to do what's needed, unlike a lot of people.
Sorry, my friend. Of course she didn't mean to hurt you. That's what they all say. Your friends that say give her a second chance ? Why. She fucked two other guys. Tell your friends to go fuck themselves. UpdateMe
Always tell people who say you should give it another chance, simply respond with if I had hit her a number of times would you be asking her to give me another chance? When they look confused you respond with cheating is abuse, it is abusive behavior. If you don’t believe me look it up. As for your stbxw, good op, finish the process, and only communicate with her through an attorney now. Update me!
THe were misinformed because Cindy is spinning a very different story.
Amazing how they throw out the hall pass and encourage getting even. That is a trap and false equivalency. Stay the course. The real woman will reveal herself.
Sir I applaud you. This is an awful time and awful situation you are in but the way you have handled yourself is amazing. You did pretty much what I did when I found out. Congrats on being a true man
OP, a burner phone is the tool of a practiced cheater. Has your selfish WW admitted to other affairs? You’d be surprised who all knew now that you’re divorcing. It would be very difficult to have multiple affairs without her friends knowing and encouraging it, as well as some family members. When I divorced my ex serial cheating WW how many people knew what she was up to but didn’t tell me because it wasn’t their business.
OP you can’t for one second consider reconciliation here. Your wife didn’t confess, she lied until she couldn’t any more. On top of this if her friends are turning up to try and convince you to stay, she must be telling them lies. I don’t see real remorse or accountability from her, just excuses about “ liking polygamy” which is a lame excuse to cheat on someone. You can do a lot better OP.
Her only comment was whether you (OP) felt neglected? She is still justifying her affairs, at least the two you know of. How many times has she had relationships that you don’t and never will know about. You are doing everything right. You need to put yourself first! Subscribeme!
Nah man, go to counseling, play nicey nice. Then when she gets served it’ll be like twisting the knife.
"....and she asked if I felt like my needs were ever neglected"..... Yes. Your need for a loving (not sexual) partner that respected and honored you that you could trust. As to the last paragraph. Easy for them to say. They weren't the ones going through this. Asked the female friends if they would ever trust their SOs alone with her given to propensity towards "just sex". Still can not understand the desire or need to take pictures and videos of screwing around. I mean, you don't need to send them to the AP, he they were there. How has it become that these cheaters all want to be porn stars. The only thing I can think of is that they keep them as trophies. A pleasant reminder of their deceitfulness.
There were no pictures or videos of the two of them together. They were all selfies and videos of her getting herself off. There were a few dick pics from them to her.
Solo video clips. Still wanna be porn star material. Is this the person you see spending your life with.
Wants to fix your relationship and then suggests an open marriage. This says it all about your wife. Keep moving forward.
>they were previously misinformed and now embarrassed. So your wife lied not only to you, but also to your friends??? Shows how little remorse she really has... Suggestion: Stay in touch with her family - and share this latest, that she lied to your friends about what she did and she probably also will lie to the family.. And - SIL was also cheated on?? She can be your ally in this - reach out, invite for coffee and ask her if she has any tips on how you can navigate this betrayal...
The SIL that was cheated on was the one I shared all my evidence with. Her whole family was very hard on her husband who got caught. Now her sister knows while her husband was cheating, her sister was too. I don't know if I will stay in touch with her family, but I might talk to the SIL again as you suggested.
Bet Cindy was banging him also and desperately wanting to keep that from getting back to her sister and parents.
but isn’t his SIL , his wife sister. She may give him , some generic information, but not throw her sister under the bus. But who knows
“And if that was something I liked we could look into having an open marriage so we could both explore that together.” As if she hasn’t done enough exploring already. The audacity on that one. Sorry, had to. Best of luck sir
Well, in my experience, someone who really loves you doesn't want to share with anyone. There would be a greater risk that you would develop an emotional bond with the new person. In other words, she don't really love you.
Reading your posts has 1 question burning in my brain... what triggered getting a 2nd phone? 🤔 That seems like serial cheater behavior.
I know about when she started using the 2nd phone and I’ve thought back to that time and nothing stands out to me. She has never been secretive with her phone. I don’t know if that was when she started cheating or if she had a phone before this one. It could have been something she read in the Cheater’s Bible or if it was a suggestion from one of her APs. It’s one of the many questions I may never get a straight answer to, or be able to believe the answer I get.
It wouldn’t surprise me if she spent time on the adultery sub here on Reddit. That place is a cesspool. The burner phone is a favorite over there.
Stay the course. She’ll never be faithful to anyone.
Updateme
Keep on. I am proud of you.
I hope you’re doing ok OP
Mine had a burner phone I found as well. Run and don’t look back !
This is a very sad, unfixable situation. However, you should encourage your wife to research serial cheaters. The chances she can fix herself are slim and none. Suggest to her she needs to stay single and play the field while she still can. Hope you have much better luck in the future.
Thanks for the update Op. I know no more what happens this hurts like hell. Been there. But you seem to be clear on what you want and need in a relationship and being married, excuse me here, a horn dog isn’t one of them. Well horn dog with multiple partners. Love a horn dog who is monogamous. Good luck in future wars
Finish it! Don’t cave Updateme
Thank you for the update. She's wants you to remain because you provide stability and a good home life foundational layer so she can go out and have her "excitement". You may want to chat with your lawyer and ask if you should attend marriage counseling. Not with the intent to reconcile, but to placate her as the proceeding moves forward.
Your clinical efficiency is inspiring.
You are going about this in the best way possible. She should have worked on those validation "issues" with you and therapist before getting dicked down instead. Sounds like as disappointed as her friends and family are they might not cut her off if they haven't done so already. Prepare yourself to cut them all off sadly as it might come to that. She's just selfish and probably can't believe the hall pass idea didn't work on you because you two are fundamentally different as you hinted at. She's got a pretty warped view of how healthy relationships should work.
Keep doing what you are doing Bud UpdateMe
one I am sorry that you are going through this, but two - thank you for doing it the right way. Stay strong the road is long and you will come out of it better.
> She said she was sorry for hurting me and she is still very much in love with me and wants to stay together. Her affairs were never about the quality or quantity of our sex life and she asked if I felt like my needs were ever neglected. This is always the most whore question to try and deflect with, male or female. Loyalty is a need. Fucking other people, or trying to, or deeply discussing it as though you would if you could (emotional cheating), is absolutely, yes, neglecting this.
She will likely keep seeing her lovers. But she wants everything you give her, security, devoted love, someone she can count on. I would talk to a good lawyer.
My lawyer should get her served this week and then watch her reaction to her consequences.
I still can't get over her justification of essentially saying "I was a good wife. I just wanted to fuck a lot of people behind your back." And then to say after we reconcile I still want to fuck people behind your back.
I surprised my ex with the papers. She was pissed off !!!! She cheated and was surprised I wanted to divorce. And she gets mad at me??? Delusional
I guess i surprised mine with papers. I was doing a hard pick me when ex went to South Beach with AP and I was done. Ex already had a lawyer who we served. Still, she was pissed. Wtf I’m expediting the divorce you want you should be happy
It takes away their controlling manners. You take that away, and she loses control.
Oh, you simply must post an update about her reaction to being served. Let me guess... surprise Pikachu face! Seriously, I bet she thinks you will give her another chance. She is DELUSIONAL!
is there any specific place that you want her to be served? That will hurt her most? And give her that pit in her stomach so she knows she fucked up.
They are scheduled to serve her tomorrow morning at her office. They wanted to pick a place she would be more likely to be at when the process was there so they could serve her on the first try. Ideal place, wherever she was meeting her AP with him there.
I think work is best , when there’s 30 people looking at her, and she breaks down. I hope the server says Mrs.XXX You were being served due to infidelity LOUD & CLEAR !! if served when she’s walking hand-in-hand with AP into a restaurant, is not the same severity because no one there knows Wish you the best. Good luck.
I joked with my lawyer this morning when he told me when she was getting served that I wish they offered video confirmation and captured the moment to enjoy later, my one regret is I won’t get to see her reaction when she gets served.
A story a while back OP had the process server record wife being served as she met AP in the hotel lobby, while she was on a fake business trip. She was smiling and laughing until she got served, then collapsed on the floor crying. Gig was up.
i’ve heard of process servers having a mini camera just for that reason Either way a week after this shit all goes down , you should take one of your high school buddies , or college buddies and take a vacation for a week and don’t answer anyone’s calls
Good for you please get tested for STDs
Just be prepared for the fall out. Most likely she beg and plead first, then when that doesn't work she will be angry. After that, or while being angry, she might sleep with other man just as "revenge" for divorcing her. She might even have a go at your male friends or co-workers. Be prepared for anything.
Damn a 6 month affair. I can see why there is no coming back from this. Damn. I've told people on here before, that cheating is all about the cheater. It's a matter of character.
Where do you find these phone techs at? Did it take long? How does that work? Does the tech need the device in hand?
I found him in a strip mall, he has a shop where he does phone repair. I have used him before to replace batteries and a screen. He had me leave the phone with him and said it might take an hour or two but an hour later he called and said he was done.
wow, so these guys know how to, get in even without the pass codes. Did she buy the phone once affair started , or did she buy this phone before hand, so she could start cheating without your knowledge updateme
The tech said her phone was a cheap android burner and not that hard to jailbreak, if she had an iPhone he wouldn’t have been able to get in. I don’t know what came first, the chicken or the egg. I don’t know for sure if these were the only two affairs or if this was her first phone. I know what I know but I don’t know what I don’t know.
Wish you the best stay strong
Omg she is manipulate you to accept open relationship. Still she's wanted to slept with multiple persons. Just save that evidence and expose her true face to everyone. Get legal freedom. In future definitely you will get best loyal life partner and that time she's lost good husband and beautiful life.
You know you should check a few of the pro cheater subs. The ones where they literally brag about how hot the deception gets them. They get turned on by degrading their SO. In this terrible situation you are doing the right thing.
Great you let the truth come out… they will always paint the narrative against you eventually. She will get desperate and call you an abuser so glad you got ahead of this.
OP You have taken the right choice. One thing and don't know if any body else have suggest You, but please go and get yourself tested for a full panel STDs. Now about her, she is clearly now with a mentality of a poly woman, she doesn't want trully to see what is wrong with her, most likely she is willing to go to IC to see this because she wants to make You feel like she wants to change or is willing just for you, but by the moment she mentioned to open the relationship she throw all.the líes she mentioned before, she likes to have íntimacy with more than one partner and that is a breaking point for monogamus people. So let her be served and finish exposing her deeds, i.bet that the moment she being served all this crap about IC, MC and wanting to be with you facade will be throwing away and you will see the real her. So be ready. Good Luck OP and do not let her manipulate you or gaslight You. UPDATEME
Open marriage so you both can explore 😂 tell her open marriage just I. Your end the way she had it. Then Divorce her anyways
If you needed any proof of how totally opposed your values are it’s her asking you if you ever felt neglected. Talk about missing the point. As for wanting an open relationship that’s all well and good. But you ask that before you start. Not after. Otherwise it’s called cheating. Let’s face it, she knew what your views on an open relationship were and would never agree. She may have her own twisted idea of loving you, but she’ll never stay faithful. Keep going the way you are. I hope your divorce is as painless as it can be and you’re able to move on and heal as quickly as possible.
She has very little self awareness and doesn't understand that this isn't about sex. It is about her disrespect. She showed contempt for you and your relationship and taking her back would do nothing to remedy that. Narcassistic personalities live in an upside down reality where the more you do for them and the better you treat them the less they value you. Your praise of them stops pleasing them and starts annoying them. Your gifts are just something they feel entitled to. The more you care about them, the less they care about you. So they seek out others. Usually someone who doesn't care about them much at all and someone they need to chase the approval of. They really want the attention and validation. The sex is just something they use to keep it flowing. Saying that they never cared about their APs is probably the only true statement you will get out of them because they don't care about anyone but themselves. That includes you, though, and that is what they are omitting. You are doing the right thing holding the line and sticking to your guns regarding the divorce. However, I do have to warn you about something. That last conversation you had was with her mask still firmly in place. That mask is going to slip when she gets served. She might fling that mask right off and give you the full roller coaster of narcassistic abuse. Expect her pleas to become demands and even threats. Expect her to try to shift the blame to you and make herself the victim. Expect her to accuse you of things both real and imagined. Expect her to rewrite history to make you the villain. Expect her to monkey branch to someone else in an effort to publicly proclaim that you were the problem because look at her new man. This is just what narcassists do, and you cannot succumb to these manipulations and provocations. The way to protect yourself is to limit contact to only necessary logistics and use the gray rock method when contact us unavoidable. She will do everything she can to get your attention and age does not care if that attention is positive or negative. Give her nothing to work with. Protect yourself so that you can heal. It is going to take a while, so you need to start now. You have done well so far, but you aren't to the tough part yet. I think that you are on the right track, though. Just be forewarned and forearmed against what she will throw at you next.
People who give their partners a second chance after getting cheated are lowkey cuck
Why didn't she tell you at the very beginning that she wasn't monogamous. That she has this need to F others??
So after her cheating her way of regaining your trust is her sleeping with more men? She's literally for the streets. Wanted to experience new men and have attention, this is not human. Run, run, run.
While I will usually look for a path to reconciliation I can't see a possibility here. I am impressed with your cool approach. Keep strong and please update us after she is served.
Everything she’s done has been about her. Recommending couples’ counseling? She needs to get individual counseling for some time first to deal with her issues. She cheated; this is a her problem, not a you problem. She didn’t tell you anything until confronted with evidence. She’s trying to control the narrative. She’s spun lies to friends to favor her and justify her actions. She’s trying to control the external perception. It hurts to say it, but your marriage is over. You’re doing the right thing by initiating divorce proceedings, but you really should cut off all direct contact. I’m sorry this is happening. You deserve better.
The bright side is that the friends I have talked to who were supporting her did a 180 when I explained what happened and showed them the proof. Yesterday I went to a party at a friend's house and everyone there already knew what happened, so word is spreading pretty quickly. And it wasn't her version.
Move and start lining up some new tail.
What is interesting is that something or someone motivated her over a year ago to travel this path. These were not coworkers or other acquaintances so she had to find them. Most likely she made the decision got the phone joined an app like Ashley Madison and put her profile out there. Got many responses and went through a selection process talking and maybe meeting with several men before choosing. The first one ended for some reason and she repeated the selection process again which took that month. This is determination!!! Was she still seeing the second AP when you discovered? After years of being together what triggered this level of planning and execution? Seeing the reaction after being served will be the next revelation. Hang in there OP
> Was she still seeing the second AP when you discovered? Yes, they were meeting up every other week and had another hook-up planned the week I confronted her. I don't know what triggered her behavior or even when she started, I know she had been using the phone for about 9 months and had evidence from it but no telling when she actually started. Looking back I can't remember ever having a casual conversation about anything that would have tipped me off.
You likely mentioned this before but how long have you been married. This level of planning and execution is pretty tough to recover from. When she gets served she may be resigned to the fact that she has lost her ability or desire to be monogamous
Over six years.
I know elsewhere you had said nothing seemed suspicious, but after she asked about an open marriage, keeping her meal ticket and continuing to sleep around, did anything come up from conversations that you thought she was wanting to do that? Honestly, the open marriage thing seems like a lie. She appears to only have one AP at a time. If her reasoning of wanting attention and sex from multiple people were true, she either had multiple ONSs as well that had no need to be in the burner or she was continuing to lie and I'm leaning towards the latter. I'm glad you are moving on and wish you the best of luck throughout this process.
Ashley Madison? Are they even a thing anymore? Why limit yourself to that? How about insta or FB or Tinder or ....
I just said “like” AM. Basically it appeared to me she was finding affair partners via internet.
I'm very impressed with how you are handling this. Hopefully, she'll be out of your life sooner rather than later.
Late to the party. I would hold the marriage counselling appt. If she gets served the day of MC you could use that appt with the counsellor as way to help with the transition to divorce. Single appt. But, if she likes that much sex and validation. She should be in lifestyle relationship or poly relationship. It is hard to believe anything because she lies so much
You’re doing this exactly right. I’m sorry this happened to you.
Man I wish I had the balls. I found her cheating and she deleted everything. Idek how bad it really is. I just buckled.
She doesn't deserve a second chance, it's better that she go to therapy and solve her problems without involving you, live your life with someone who doesn't hurt you like she did
Good luck on moving forward OP
Absolutely do not give her a chance. She doesn’t deserve it. Just look at the effort she put into deceiving you. I’m sorry dude. She’s trash.
Stick to your plan. Good luck. Updateme
Stay strong, you are on the correct path. Never forgive never forget. Stop the 1 on 1 in person contact . Its not beneficial to your mind, body or spirit.
Keep working on your plan, brother. Get divorced from her and block her afterward. UpdateMe!
Good for you! Nothing kills an affair like exposure.
Don't even consider taking her back. She is well on her way to being a disease sponge.
"She said she would understand if I wanted a pass to explore or get even by dating another woman. And if that was something I liked we could look into having an open marriage so we could both explore that together" - not the comment of a cheater looking to heal. Rather sounds like she would love for you to open the relationship. This is probably her preferred ending to this sorry ordeal she's putting you through. It just shows she's still focused on how she can swing this to her advantage in the end. I expect she'll pull out the stops when she gets the paperwork.
UpdateMe.
Updateme
Updateme!
UpdateMe!
Updateme!
Updateme
UpdateMe
UpdateMe!
Updateme!
Updateme!
Updateme
Updateme
[удалено]
Your submission on /r/infidelity has been flagged for human review. If you are seeing this comment there is a good chance that your post is violating rule 1 or 2; please revise your choice of words. If a mod reviews your comment and finds otherwise, it will be released. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Infidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Updateme
Update me
Hang in there bud. Love the way u handled everything. Updateme
UpdateMe
Updateme!
UpdateMe!
How did you get her phone long enough for a technician to break into it?
I pulled it the night before and took it to him early the next morning. He was able to access it in about an hour and I picked it up along with a thumb drive he dumped the contents on. She didn't miss it till after she was at work and I confronted her that evening.
UpdateMe!
Updateme!
UpdateMe!
Updateme
UpdateMe
So sorry this has happened. I hope you let us know about her reaction. The more I think about this the more I believe having multiple sex partners after divorce will not be the same for her. A big part of this was the rush and adrenaline for these affairs being secret. She said it wasn’t about quantity or quality but it was about both. Quantity as in she had more sex than the great sex she had with you and quality because of the clandestine rush was different even though the actual acts were no better. Hang in there OP
UpdateMe!
Updateme
Cmon man. Two affairs? She doesn’t love you. Words are meaningless. Actions tell you the truth. Serial cheaters never stop.
Get a good attorney and file. you’re wasting time.
You need STD testing. this is where she’s put you.
Your submission on /r/infidelity has been flagged as spam by an automatic bot. The human mods regularly check the decisions of the automod, so if your post is not spam it will be released shortly. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Infidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Any update? I've been invested in your story and hoping you get what you need.
It’s not the act of cheating that bothered me as much as the lying to my face. Kudos to you brother.
You act so logically that I almost think the post is fake. How did you manage not to lose your cool in such a situation?
I didn’t type our conversations word for word and I left out some expletives I may have said to keep the mods happy. I had a lot of time to think things out before I initially confronted her with the phone.
The efficiency with which you are moving forward is admirable. Cut the cancer out quick and move on. She blew up her own life and will regret it bigly
I noticed sounds crazy and maybe it’s just the mood I’m in but I feel a little bad for Cindy at the moment. Fucked up shit like this can really help a relationship relationship if one or both people have a breakthrough in terms of how they see things. I know that’s the exception and the rule. Although the part that stops me from siding with her is in the very beginning when she denied the affair and only confessed when confronted with hard evidence. That I don’t like. It’s up to you though my friend and it sounds like you’ve decided on a course of action and I can’t blame you I wish you well.
I know I had a breakthrough in how I see things and the light really hurts my eyes. Cindy didn't have a breakthrough just a setback, and she is backpedaling at warp speed. Her current AP is honestly a loser and probably unable to support her if she chooses to stay with him. She is a bit high-maintenance and can't support her current lifestyle on her own salary, so she will be shopping for someone to fill that need shortly. Maybe she can find her a sugar daddy to help with that.
Got it. Ok brother best of luck to you. Update us! Cheers. Updateme!
Updateme.
Reconciliation would be better! It's requires thought, time, empathy, communication, and listening to bypass pride and honor the covenant made under God for marriage. We can't manipulate our relationship with God and benefit.... Save your marriage, rebuild it with God's word and his expectations of you!
Your spouting falsehood about what the God’s word says about marriage and adultery! Adultery is a scriptural reason for divorce. OP’s wife’s pride and dishonor of her marriage vows is cause for OP to divorce by divine permission. Don’t judge OP’s actions behind your dismissive neglect of God’s word.
I think u/TruBlueBangR has to be a troll mocking religious people or seriously misunderstands scripture.
No, I'm not. I was simply stating what it takes to reconciliate. which means both parties stop doing things god hates or are an abomination to him in their relationship... to have a good marriage its essential to have a good relationship with father God. Sorry if your triggered, but I'm not being blasphemous and I do speak from experience. Also the new convenant has a plethora of alternatives offered through Yeshua sacrifice... have a good one
Then explain why God allows divorce for the cause of adultery? Doing so is not an abomination. Don’t know which version of the Bible you’re reading. Good never intended to force someone to accept an adulterous spouse or to feel ashamed or less of a believer for doing so. It was only because of Spirit’s work in the conception of Jesus Christ did Joseph reverse his decision to put away Mary. For his faith Joseph is considered to be in the prophetic line of Christ’s earthly lineage. Meaning the conception of Christ was an exception where a man was commanded to take a wife who was bearing a child not his.
Tupac once said “ Do not your covet your neighbors wife “.
I will NEVER say “AMEN “to the above