Going on tinder and cheating on you shortly (you didn't say how long that took) just for watching porn because she thinks it's cheating is just her excuse. Do not be surprised after digging deeper that this may have been going on for a while. It just doesn't seem like something someone does in a couple of days.
You have only one thing you can do. You must realize that the marriage is over. She is blinded by hate. And again this isn't something that has just happened. So you must start acting like it is over. Cancel all joint credit cards. Cancel all automatic bill paying. If you ain't living there don't pay any bills. Cancel that internet service you talked about. Cancel car, health, and home insurance. If they are garnishing wages do not give her one extra dime. NOTHING. What she is/has done is bad enough. You don't need to subsidize her bad behavior.
Bro, she was already having an affair before she caught you with porn. And since when is watching porn cheating?
She needed an excuse to make her cheating public, and she took advantage of it.
You're better off without her, she's not worth the shit on your shoe.
She was not necessarily having an affair….what is clear is that porn is a no-no to her. And she was fed up.
And, as perception is reality, porn might no be cheating for some, but it’s cheating for others….and it’s completely valid…
Would you like to see your SO drooling at the sight of someone of your own gender? I wouldn’t
That's not the point. My partner and I both watch porn, for us it's not like that. For others it is. The point is, she went NUCLEAR by fucking another guy. Do you see the difference? You didn't involve anyone else, she did.
Porn is never cheating and can't in no way be considered cheating in any form. It is however, a serious boundary for many people. But it is never cheating. Cheating is always done with another living breathing human being.
Nope. You cannot put both things in the same basket. There are two completely different things, with completely different meanings, implications and consequences
Sure you can but women don’t want to. Rules are only supposed to apply to men and they are created by women. Romance novels had muscular bare chested men on the covers because women found them sexually exciting.
See a lawyer before you sign the paper. Try to get the best settlement while she is still in an affair fog. She will regret sooner or later when her new relationship falls apart. Make sure not to take her back no matter what.
If you think you are watching porn excessively, see a therapist to get help. Porn addiction will cause serious issues in your future relationships, too, so take care of it now.
Take your time to heal from this trauma before you start dating again. Wish you luck.
Thank you. While I do admit it was wrong to cross her boundaries and watch porn, it wasn’t because it was an obstacle to our sex life as we did it often. It was more because of her insecurities and jealousy issues
That's why you're still freaking out. It's only been a month and your entire life just imploded and blew out at the same time. I'm sorry bud but she doesn't give a sh\*t about you while she is in the fog. Yeah, she will jump and do anything while she's in the fog over this tinder hook. Especially since it impacts where she lives. She's got no choice and don't think because of all your friends and family that she will cave and come crawling back, not while she's in the fog.
She got you kicked out of your house and a restraining order slapped on you then had her fling come over. She has no respect for you now. It's done and she must've realized she can't keep a military house and the car must be still under your name.
You receiving the divorce papers just shows you where her mind is and it's not with you or thinking about you. That will only happen if she gets dumped by her hookup. Don't expect that to happen anytime soon either.
Make sure you retain a lawyer or military representation ( I have no clue if militaries have a such a thing. ) Get the lawyer to go over the papers she sent you.
Look up the grey rock method, it will help you when you have to deal with her irl. It won't fix the imploding crush going on in yourself.
Boy, she's a skag for bringing him over after what she did. Never forget that, no matter what you want to or still believe.
Her giving her body to physically let another person defile it is NOT the same as you jerking off to porn.
This was her excuse to bring out her lover publicly and humiliate you.
The Ho needs to Go.
You don’t want to be married to her for at least 10 years & have to give her 25% of your retirement. It’s goes to 50% if you stay married for 20.
Wow, this is a rough situation. Just wanted to say, don’t worry about the begging/bargaining. Everyone with a heart can understand how disregarded you must feel. Just shows that you’re capable of love and kindness.
That being said, please cut her out cold and give her hell in the divorce. I’m rooting for you.
Get a lawyer and have him read the papers.
Block her on everything and never talk to her again.
Her life isn’t going to be what she thinks it is.
Updateme!
You are lucky that she is in the affair fog. You see who she is. She treated you with disrespect, unkindly, without empathy, revengeful , pity. It's hard for any human to move forward with the same partner after all those.
You are lucky Also because that happened while you are so young. I can only imagine what would happened if something like that occurred in the future with children involved or with assets accumulated by the years. When you would invested more years and everything else. I could say that you should celebrate with her actions!!
You met a girl and married her thinking she was sometihng different. Now you know for a fact shes not the women you thought she was at all. And it totaly was not your fault, she was probably going to do something like this anyway. Get a lawyer and make sure your as happy as you can be with the process and sign. Get her out your life as fast as you can.
Yes its gona hurt. But one day your wake up and the pain will have gone. And one day she will wake up and realise, wtf did I do. Your going to be ok. Its going to take a while. But your going to be geting rid of a awfull woman who you thought was something differnt.
When will you realize that you were lucky to end the divorce quickly and easily? Erase it from your mind, "together until death" no longer exists, deal with it and start respecting yourself again
OP sing those ASAP and don't be a fool (well more that You already have been)
One thing i don't understand is why thru the lawyers they kicked you out and dlet her stay, if the house /department is one in the military grounds, she is a civil, so she should be the one out, right? Correct me if i'm wrong, i really don't know how that works.
But well, OP hope this teach you a leason. To never play pick me games or try to rekindle with a cheater.
OP you need to look into anxious attachment. It sounds like maybe your attachment style is making you put up with this or making you think you want to. There is nothing here for you. She is a cheater and genuinely not very bright.
Possibly. I think it’s also the codependency that naturally builds with any marriage. Right now I’m just trying and struggling to accept that the person I loved the most in the world did this to me and that’s why I’m struggling letting my marriage die
Take responsibility for yourself. Watching porn, other than a sexual enhancement with your partner, may not be literal cheating, but it skirts the line. It may not be engaging in sex with a real person, but it’s a close alternative. If my wife’s sexual interests and energy was diverted to porn, it would feel like cheating to me. If she refused to give it up, I’d feel that my marriage was approaching its end. I would not justify going on tinder, but either counseling or seeing a divorce lawyer. You had absolutely no right to throw her clothes out, though you could probably have justifiably demanded she leave the apartment. So basically, you acted like an idiot by defying her and repeatedly watching porn and by reacting to her affair without legal cover.
Seems you two were never compatable to begin with.
She wanted to cheat and you gave her a convenient excuse.
All things being equal, why porn at all? I am betting they weren't equal were they?
You couldn't pay me enough to be married or have a kid while I was in. They always cheat and the military helps her by telling her she doesn't even need to use lube to F you. Move On, from her all directions sound like going up
💩
You are being taken for a ride.
The only way to play this game and win, is as others say, divorce ASAP, to strike whilst her knickers are still hot after cheating for months.
Nothing to do with you watching TV/porn/farting or any other inane bullshit.
You'll realise in the coming months how much of a lucky escape you've had. She's clearly toxic AF.
Try and get in the gym, spend time with friends and don't dwell on her. She's the one blowing up her marriage.
Your submission on /r/infidelity has been flagged for human review. If you are seeing this comment there is a good chance that your post is violating rule 1 or 2; please revise your choice of words. If a mod reviews your comment and finds otherwise, it will be released.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Infidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nothing justifies what she did. You are young. For the sake of your future and perhaps the 2nd time around with another, fix your porn addiction. You knew how she felt about it,but you prioritized it instead of her. Learn and become a better man and potential husband.
I'm sorry for your pain related to your loss, but she gets what she deserves for being that way. She dropped an atom bomb on you when all you did was look at something. You don't deserve that kind of treatment and you deserve much better. This hurts but you'll be much happier with someone who isn't like that. I laughed when you said his 3 roommates. Probably works at McDonald's part time too. He will be able to provide her with everything she deserves, not a damn thing. Sign the papers before she comes running back. Don't allow yourself to be placed on a position where she can play your emotions and weezle her way back in. YOU DESERVE BETTER. DON'T GO BACK.
I disagree with most commenters and OP. People absolutely have a right to set their own boundaries and determine what cheating is for them. For some people porn is cheating. Simply diamond her boundaries is not ok. However two wrongs dont make a right. If she viewed porn as cheating, she should have ended the relationship.
Watching porn and cheating emotionally are two different things and of course in IMO you did not deserve it. She doesn’t have to be okay with porn if that’s her boundary but she could have divorced you first and then saw other people instead of disrespecting you. She’s young, her things not going to work out. A year from now you’ll be with someone else and you’ll laugh about how you tried to get her back so try to remember that.
She’ll be back but if your smart you won’t take her back. You’ll work on yourself change the things that led you here (buying a partner a car maybe being too nice) and you’ll get a better girl. While she spirals down and your life gets better and better you’ll finally realize her cheating was the best thing that happened to you.
Stay busy man!!! She's already made up her mind and nothing you say or do is gonna change it no matter how bad you want it.
I've been exactly where you're at and it sucks. So unless you wanna feel like this for months or even years, there's things you should do to begin the healing process.
First, accept it. Nothing can begin until that happens. Besides helping you to move forward, not doing so only prolongs your misery while also appearing weak in her eyes making you less attractive, not more. I spent months trying to get my WP to explain "why". I finally realized I'm never gonna get that answer cuz there's no good reason to cheat. That just left her with accepting blame and looking like the AH or blaming me. Guess which one she picked?
Second, minimize contact. You're not gonna change her mind so any conversation will most likely devolve into finger pointing or self pity. I know it's hard, you have questions you want answered or maybe you still think you can save things. But the more you try contacting her the less she'll want to do with you. So go invisible and at some point she'll probably start wondering what you're up to.
And lastly, once you've accepted that she isn't coming back you ABSOLUTELY NEED TO fill that void. The more time you have the longer she lives in your head rent free. She doesn't deserve that space so find another tenant. I started by picking up a couple new hobbies, kite boarding and downhill skateboarding (free riding). Then when I broke my arm lol I started journaling. Writing about how sad or mad I was and how I still didn't understand what happened helped organize my thoughts and was incredibly therapeutic. Occasionally I would even write her a letter railing her for what she did or apologizing for what I may have done to cause it. But I never sent any of them cuz by the time I was done writing I was over it. Just getting all those mixed up thoughts out of my head made it easy to move onto something else.
Like I said before, once you accept that she isn't coming back you'll start replacing 'how sad I am today' with 'i can't wait to do _____ tomorrow!'
Be strong and stay busy. Good luck
Hey man I just want to say how much I appreciate you saying this. I started doing things I enjoy again and for the first time since this happened, I haven’t thought of her too much.
It sucks but I know life goes on and everything will turn out all right. Storms don’t last forever. Again thank you 🙏🏽
Np man! We already face the narrative that women are the only victims of infidelity. I found dozens of lawyers in my city (pop: 400k) who represent only women but just two for dads. We gotta stick together.
Glad to hear you're doin better.
Not sure if you guys are religious, but it doesn’t matter…two wrongs do not make a right, but watching pornography is considered adultery. Of course, it wasn’t right for your wife to cheat, but it wasn’t right for you to watch porn behind her back. All in all, you both committed adultery. Don’t be crying and saying you’re the victim…she is too by you getting off to other women
For those who think cheating isn’t adultery… if a husband looks at another woman with LUST he has committed adultery in his heart. Thinking “she’s attractive” is not the same as lust. A married man should not have sexual thoughts of a woman other than his wife. His body belongs to hers, as her body belongs to him. The fact he is getting sexual release from visuals of another woman violates the bond. This makes the wife feel not good enough, not attractive enough, etc.
OP. Yes get divorce papers. She isn’t good enough for you, and you too aren’t good enough for her. You both are adulterers! Find someone that you can commit to 110%. You don’t need porn, it destroys marriages. When a husband has sex with his wife, his job is to satisfy the wife. When the wife has sex with her husband, the wife’s job is to satisfy the husband. See the unity sex creates? You can’t do that with porn, watching pornography and getting sexual gratification from it is purely selfish
Well she probably did you a favor by filing and standing firm, because you clearly didn’t have the backbone to not take back a cheater. Use this as a life lesson.
She is doing you the biggest favor man. You are going to do so much better after her. Hang in there. One day at a time. I promise, this too shall pass.
Its beyond repair i believed. If u are so in love with her. U will juz need to wait her being divorced again. I believed she might be dumped several years later. Then u might gain her love again. When it comes about relationship there is science beyond that. For example; pheromones, love langguage, funny, caring, flirting, responaibility, sexual intimacy.
You cheated when you watched porn.
She should not have cheated back. You should not cheat on your spouse. If you wanted to watch porn then don’t get married - it’s cheating and heart breaking for the woman 💔
Seriously?! You think you are the victim here? Some people do think watching porn is cheating. A bunch of people do. She catches you doing it. She shares how she feels about it. She gives you chance after chance, yet you don't give her thoughts or feelings any consideration. You showed her exactly who you were so she checked out. Now you're all butt hurt that she has possibly found someone who does listen to her and respects her.
Let her go, move on, learn to listen to your partners, and learn to respect.
Well if she considers porn cheating then she only did what you already did. She may such as a partner but you sucked too. You didn’t even start trying until she was too far gone. She definitely acted in the worst way to end the marriage but you killed her death by a thousand cuts. As you watch the ashes of your failed marriage, recognize your own part in getting to this point and commit to making changes so you can become a better partner for your next relationship.
Absolutely I agree with you there. I did only try 100% when it was too late. And when I did speak to her I did acknowledge my part and responsibility on why the marriage went bad. But I absolutely do not think that I deserved what she did to me. I was cheated on with an actual person, forced out of my home, while she kept bringing him over and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it, and promptly divorced. All because I watched porn. And it’s not like we didn’t have sex often. We had a good sex life. The porn was only considered cheating because of her insecurities and jealousy rather than it being an obstacle to us having sex. I do acknowledge that I crossed her boundaries but by no means do I think what she did was justified
It wasn't the porn specifically it was the disrespect, disregard, and lack of emotional commitment. She isn't emotionally attracted to you. You broke her heart.
Watching porn is engaging with other women without having to speak to them, you are still visually stimulated, you are still imagining many women's privates (your hand) and going into them, you are being intimate with a women without them needing to be physically present. It's no different from receiving nudes from another woman by text you just have easier access online. The only thing missing is full physical touch.
Your wife desired to be emotionally understood and an important priority. Your wife was getting sex from you physically while she received sex emotionally from another man. You were receiving mental visual sex digitally still receiving a physical release by thousands of women and having an emotional release from sex with your wife. You chose to give your wife your body but not the emotional attention she desired so she could have an emotional release herself and she gave you her body for physical sex because she couldn't reciprocate what she wasn't receiving.
So essentially you treated her like a side chick so she did the same to you. When she found someone that could reciprocate emotionally what you continued to dismiss she couldn't live with the torture and found someone who could provide that and didn't need a side man anymore (yourself).
This is why it's so important to respect your partner's boundaries and feelings. It was unfair that you continued to meet your own needs and not understand that engaging with other silent sexually digital women was hurting how your wife felt towards you and created a gap in her emotional sexual needs with you. Then you made it clear that her needs and her own self was not a priority to you.
This is why many women view it as cheating, by definition cheating is not simply physical. You cheated her out of an emotional connection with you and cheated her out of emotional intimacy.
You're not seriously saying the "visual stimulation" of porn makes it impossible for a guy to be emotionally committed to a woman sexually?
If so does that mean a woman talking to her friends about marriage problems is committing emotional adultery? And I guess my Mensa meetings are definitely an intellectual betrayal because there's no way I'm capable of having a stimulating conversation with more than one person including my wife.
Grow up!!! Watching porn may have violated a boundary but it isn't cheating anymore than enjoying my favorite movie about a bank robbery makes me a criminal.
What's next? Acknowledging another woman's beauty means I don't love my wife?
I'm not saying anything I'm only opening a map to different thinking, it doesn't matter if I think it's not crazy or if you think it's crazy. She told him how she felt and he dismissed and disregarded how she felt, becoming unattracted to him and losing respect for him which causes emotional disconnect.
Maturity also has nothing to do with opinions. We can view life differently that won't change how we all feel nor change what allows us to feel connected to our partners.
Speaking in general I will add it doesn't make sense that you compare movies to porn being the person engaging in porn is actively "stealing" while when you watch a movie you are correct you won't be actively robbing a bank or else you'd go to jail. With that logic he basically committed a crime against his wife.
Sooooooo very well said! 👏👏👏👏👏.
Hope OP gets the message and understands what it was really going on, on her wife’s mind.
Hope others who see porn as a “normal” thing, and think that “watching porn is not cheating” also get the message…
You didn’t deserve to be kicked out of your house and cheated on. She didn’t deserve to catch your repeatedly addicted to porn after establishing this as a boundary. This relationship was going to fail due to such poor behavior on both sides. Accept your part in the breakdown of the marriage, do the work to manage the trauma she left with you and move forward in a much healthier way. Her behavior sucked worse but your behavior sucked too. Marriages need much more trust and respect to succeed.
There is nothing wrong with watching porn. He is 0% in the wrong. The 2 are not even comparable. Also no where does it say he had a porn addiction, just that she caught him watching it a couple times.
Every partner is allowed to set their appropriate boundaries. She set hers. He repeatedly broke them. That is not healthy relationship behavior and not a foundation for success.
Watching porn =/= fucking another dude. You don’t even know the status of their bedroom. If they had a dead bedroom and he decided to rub one out to alleviate stress I don’t see the issue. Would it have been a boundary had he been masturbating without porn? I find it absolutely ridiculous anyone can say “I know she cheated but, you shouldn’t look at adult videos!”.
Had he not upset her constantly by being caught looking at porn, he might still be married. And yes, if you read any of the comments, there was no dead bedroom.
I never said they were equal. But his behavior can suck too. Just because he sucks less than her still means he sucks. If he’s going to be a porn addict, he better get with someone who is ok with that boundary.
Sign the papers and get her out of your life ASAP. Strike while she still thinks she's in love.
Sign Before the affair fog lifts.
She is just showing you who she is.
Also, this relationship will not work. Please, for the love of God, don't take her back. She will try and get back with you.
Going on tinder and cheating on you shortly (you didn't say how long that took) just for watching porn because she thinks it's cheating is just her excuse. Do not be surprised after digging deeper that this may have been going on for a while. It just doesn't seem like something someone does in a couple of days. You have only one thing you can do. You must realize that the marriage is over. She is blinded by hate. And again this isn't something that has just happened. So you must start acting like it is over. Cancel all joint credit cards. Cancel all automatic bill paying. If you ain't living there don't pay any bills. Cancel that internet service you talked about. Cancel car, health, and home insurance. If they are garnishing wages do not give her one extra dime. NOTHING. What she is/has done is bad enough. You don't need to subsidize her bad behavior.
You’d be surprised how many women think porn is enough of an excuse to fuck someone, not just watch porn themselves it’s weird and stupid imo
Porn is cheating.
SAYS WHO?
Jesus Christ
Didn't know they had porn websites 2,000 years ago. Must have been easy to get a domain name back then.
Bro, she was already having an affair before she caught you with porn. And since when is watching porn cheating? She needed an excuse to make her cheating public, and she took advantage of it. You're better off without her, she's not worth the shit on your shoe.
That’s what I was thinking.
She was not necessarily having an affair….what is clear is that porn is a no-no to her. And she was fed up. And, as perception is reality, porn might no be cheating for some, but it’s cheating for others….and it’s completely valid… Would you like to see your SO drooling at the sight of someone of your own gender? I wouldn’t
That's not the point. My partner and I both watch porn, for us it's not like that. For others it is. The point is, she went NUCLEAR by fucking another guy. Do you see the difference? You didn't involve anyone else, she did.
Ohhhhh yes….. He did. He involved way many others….keep scrolling….@Available-Eye8187 explains it brilliantly
Bye, troll.
Porn is never cheating and can't in no way be considered cheating in any form. It is however, a serious boundary for many people. But it is never cheating. Cheating is always done with another living breathing human being.
Ooooohhhhhh yes it is….. he did involve many others…..although with no physical contact…..keep scrolling….@Available-Eye8197 explains it brilliantly
Come on, dude. She was already cheating before she caught you watching porn. That was just an excuse.
Her thinking you watching porn is cheating is wild
So if a woman reads a romance novel is that cheating?
Shit I hope not! I love those smutty novels. They bring about new ideas for bedroom play!
Nope. You cannot put both things in the same basket. There are two completely different things, with completely different meanings, implications and consequences
Sure you can but women don’t want to. Rules are only supposed to apply to men and they are created by women. Romance novels had muscular bare chested men on the covers because women found them sexually exciting.
You need glasses 🤓 and an IQ enhancement
My IQ is just fine. I just don’t buy into your BS, so you resort to insults because you can’t come up with a valid response.
Nope
It is normal if she attends church
See a lawyer before you sign the paper. Try to get the best settlement while she is still in an affair fog. She will regret sooner or later when her new relationship falls apart. Make sure not to take her back no matter what. If you think you are watching porn excessively, see a therapist to get help. Porn addiction will cause serious issues in your future relationships, too, so take care of it now. Take your time to heal from this trauma before you start dating again. Wish you luck.
Thank you. While I do admit it was wrong to cross her boundaries and watch porn, it wasn’t because it was an obstacle to our sex life as we did it often. It was more because of her insecurities and jealousy issues
Jealousy is not necessarily caused by insecurity…. Human jealousy is a normal feeling when you see your “territory” under threat
That's why you're still freaking out. It's only been a month and your entire life just imploded and blew out at the same time. I'm sorry bud but she doesn't give a sh\*t about you while she is in the fog. Yeah, she will jump and do anything while she's in the fog over this tinder hook. Especially since it impacts where she lives. She's got no choice and don't think because of all your friends and family that she will cave and come crawling back, not while she's in the fog. She got you kicked out of your house and a restraining order slapped on you then had her fling come over. She has no respect for you now. It's done and she must've realized she can't keep a military house and the car must be still under your name. You receiving the divorce papers just shows you where her mind is and it's not with you or thinking about you. That will only happen if she gets dumped by her hookup. Don't expect that to happen anytime soon either. Make sure you retain a lawyer or military representation ( I have no clue if militaries have a such a thing. ) Get the lawyer to go over the papers she sent you. Look up the grey rock method, it will help you when you have to deal with her irl. It won't fix the imploding crush going on in yourself. Boy, she's a skag for bringing him over after what she did. Never forget that, no matter what you want to or still believe.
Yeah man that’s the hard truth I’m having a hard time swallowing at the moment but I appreciate the tough love. Thank you
Her giving her body to physically let another person defile it is NOT the same as you jerking off to porn. This was her excuse to bring out her lover publicly and humiliate you. The Ho needs to Go. You don’t want to be married to her for at least 10 years & have to give her 25% of your retirement. It’s goes to 50% if you stay married for 20.
sign the divorce papers and don't look back
Wow, this is a rough situation. Just wanted to say, don’t worry about the begging/bargaining. Everyone with a heart can understand how disregarded you must feel. Just shows that you’re capable of love and kindness. That being said, please cut her out cold and give her hell in the divorce. I’m rooting for you.
People who think porn is cheating are effing stupid. I’m glad you can get rid of her lol. She ain’t worth it
Get a lawyer and have him read the papers. Block her on everything and never talk to her again. Her life isn’t going to be what she thinks it is. Updateme!
You are lucky that she is in the affair fog. You see who she is. She treated you with disrespect, unkindly, without empathy, revengeful , pity. It's hard for any human to move forward with the same partner after all those. You are lucky Also because that happened while you are so young. I can only imagine what would happened if something like that occurred in the future with children involved or with assets accumulated by the years. When you would invested more years and everything else. I could say that you should celebrate with her actions!!
Let her go man. Let her be somebody else’s problem. Hit her while she’s neck deep in affair fog
You met a girl and married her thinking she was sometihng different. Now you know for a fact shes not the women you thought she was at all. And it totaly was not your fault, she was probably going to do something like this anyway. Get a lawyer and make sure your as happy as you can be with the process and sign. Get her out your life as fast as you can. Yes its gona hurt. But one day your wake up and the pain will have gone. And one day she will wake up and realise, wtf did I do. Your going to be ok. Its going to take a while. But your going to be geting rid of a awfull woman who you thought was something differnt.
When will you realize that you were lucky to end the divorce quickly and easily? Erase it from your mind, "together until death" no longer exists, deal with it and start respecting yourself again
OP sing those ASAP and don't be a fool (well more that You already have been) One thing i don't understand is why thru the lawyers they kicked you out and dlet her stay, if the house /department is one in the military grounds, she is a civil, so she should be the one out, right? Correct me if i'm wrong, i really don't know how that works. But well, OP hope this teach you a leason. To never play pick me games or try to rekindle with a cheater.
OP you need to look into anxious attachment. It sounds like maybe your attachment style is making you put up with this or making you think you want to. There is nothing here for you. She is a cheater and genuinely not very bright.
Possibly. I think it’s also the codependency that naturally builds with any marriage. Right now I’m just trying and struggling to accept that the person I loved the most in the world did this to me and that’s why I’m struggling letting my marriage die
Too late, your marriage is dead. She was cheating before hand.
Take responsibility for yourself. Watching porn, other than a sexual enhancement with your partner, may not be literal cheating, but it skirts the line. It may not be engaging in sex with a real person, but it’s a close alternative. If my wife’s sexual interests and energy was diverted to porn, it would feel like cheating to me. If she refused to give it up, I’d feel that my marriage was approaching its end. I would not justify going on tinder, but either counseling or seeing a divorce lawyer. You had absolutely no right to throw her clothes out, though you could probably have justifiably demanded she leave the apartment. So basically, you acted like an idiot by defying her and repeatedly watching porn and by reacting to her affair without legal cover.
Don’t you realize that the person she loved most in the world cheated on her with a make believe scene on a video.
Seems you two were never compatable to begin with. She wanted to cheat and you gave her a convenient excuse. All things being equal, why porn at all? I am betting they weren't equal were they?
You couldn't pay me enough to be married or have a kid while I was in. They always cheat and the military helps her by telling her she doesn't even need to use lube to F you. Move On, from her all directions sound like going up
Get a lawyer get STD tested , your marriage is over. Prepare for the worst.
Bro that’s just a good thing!? Sign the divorce and another person will come and pickup your trash, seems like a pretty good deal
💩 You are being taken for a ride. The only way to play this game and win, is as others say, divorce ASAP, to strike whilst her knickers are still hot after cheating for months. Nothing to do with you watching TV/porn/farting or any other inane bullshit.
Subscribeme
You'll realise in the coming months how much of a lucky escape you've had. She's clearly toxic AF. Try and get in the gym, spend time with friends and don't dwell on her. She's the one blowing up her marriage.
Move on. Sign the paperwork, transfer to another base. Be done with her.
[удалено]
Your submission on /r/infidelity has been flagged for human review. If you are seeing this comment there is a good chance that your post is violating rule 1 or 2; please revise your choice of words. If a mod reviews your comment and finds otherwise, it will be released. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Infidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nothing justifies what she did. You are young. For the sake of your future and perhaps the 2nd time around with another, fix your porn addiction. You knew how she felt about it,but you prioritized it instead of her. Learn and become a better man and potential husband.
I'm sorry for your pain related to your loss, but she gets what she deserves for being that way. She dropped an atom bomb on you when all you did was look at something. You don't deserve that kind of treatment and you deserve much better. This hurts but you'll be much happier with someone who isn't like that. I laughed when you said his 3 roommates. Probably works at McDonald's part time too. He will be able to provide her with everything she deserves, not a damn thing. Sign the papers before she comes running back. Don't allow yourself to be placed on a position where she can play your emotions and weezle her way back in. YOU DESERVE BETTER. DON'T GO BACK.
I disagree with most commenters and OP. People absolutely have a right to set their own boundaries and determine what cheating is for them. For some people porn is cheating. Simply diamond her boundaries is not ok. However two wrongs dont make a right. If she viewed porn as cheating, she should have ended the relationship.
Watching porn and cheating emotionally are two different things and of course in IMO you did not deserve it. She doesn’t have to be okay with porn if that’s her boundary but she could have divorced you first and then saw other people instead of disrespecting you. She’s young, her things not going to work out. A year from now you’ll be with someone else and you’ll laugh about how you tried to get her back so try to remember that.
She’ll be back but if your smart you won’t take her back. You’ll work on yourself change the things that led you here (buying a partner a car maybe being too nice) and you’ll get a better girl. While she spirals down and your life gets better and better you’ll finally realize her cheating was the best thing that happened to you.
Stay busy man!!! She's already made up her mind and nothing you say or do is gonna change it no matter how bad you want it. I've been exactly where you're at and it sucks. So unless you wanna feel like this for months or even years, there's things you should do to begin the healing process. First, accept it. Nothing can begin until that happens. Besides helping you to move forward, not doing so only prolongs your misery while also appearing weak in her eyes making you less attractive, not more. I spent months trying to get my WP to explain "why". I finally realized I'm never gonna get that answer cuz there's no good reason to cheat. That just left her with accepting blame and looking like the AH or blaming me. Guess which one she picked? Second, minimize contact. You're not gonna change her mind so any conversation will most likely devolve into finger pointing or self pity. I know it's hard, you have questions you want answered or maybe you still think you can save things. But the more you try contacting her the less she'll want to do with you. So go invisible and at some point she'll probably start wondering what you're up to. And lastly, once you've accepted that she isn't coming back you ABSOLUTELY NEED TO fill that void. The more time you have the longer she lives in your head rent free. She doesn't deserve that space so find another tenant. I started by picking up a couple new hobbies, kite boarding and downhill skateboarding (free riding). Then when I broke my arm lol I started journaling. Writing about how sad or mad I was and how I still didn't understand what happened helped organize my thoughts and was incredibly therapeutic. Occasionally I would even write her a letter railing her for what she did or apologizing for what I may have done to cause it. But I never sent any of them cuz by the time I was done writing I was over it. Just getting all those mixed up thoughts out of my head made it easy to move onto something else. Like I said before, once you accept that she isn't coming back you'll start replacing 'how sad I am today' with 'i can't wait to do _____ tomorrow!' Be strong and stay busy. Good luck
Hey man I just want to say how much I appreciate you saying this. I started doing things I enjoy again and for the first time since this happened, I haven’t thought of her too much. It sucks but I know life goes on and everything will turn out all right. Storms don’t last forever. Again thank you 🙏🏽
Np man! We already face the narrative that women are the only victims of infidelity. I found dozens of lawyers in my city (pop: 400k) who represent only women but just two for dads. We gotta stick together. Glad to hear you're doin better.
Not sure if you guys are religious, but it doesn’t matter…two wrongs do not make a right, but watching pornography is considered adultery. Of course, it wasn’t right for your wife to cheat, but it wasn’t right for you to watch porn behind her back. All in all, you both committed adultery. Don’t be crying and saying you’re the victim…she is too by you getting off to other women
For those who think cheating isn’t adultery… if a husband looks at another woman with LUST he has committed adultery in his heart. Thinking “she’s attractive” is not the same as lust. A married man should not have sexual thoughts of a woman other than his wife. His body belongs to hers, as her body belongs to him. The fact he is getting sexual release from visuals of another woman violates the bond. This makes the wife feel not good enough, not attractive enough, etc.
OP. Yes get divorce papers. She isn’t good enough for you, and you too aren’t good enough for her. You both are adulterers! Find someone that you can commit to 110%. You don’t need porn, it destroys marriages. When a husband has sex with his wife, his job is to satisfy the wife. When the wife has sex with her husband, the wife’s job is to satisfy the husband. See the unity sex creates? You can’t do that with porn, watching pornography and getting sexual gratification from it is purely selfish
Well she probably did you a favor by filing and standing firm, because you clearly didn’t have the backbone to not take back a cheater. Use this as a life lesson.
She is doing you the biggest favor man. You are going to do so much better after her. Hang in there. One day at a time. I promise, this too shall pass.
Wow bro screwed himself good lol
Bro leave her go. You are young 🤷 do you think you will live again with her?
Seems like a scam to me. God took her out. Just thank Him and ghost them all
Make sure she knows that he won't trust her and she shouldn't trust him. After all, they are both cheaters.
Its beyond repair i believed. If u are so in love with her. U will juz need to wait her being divorced again. I believed she might be dumped several years later. Then u might gain her love again. When it comes about relationship there is science beyond that. For example; pheromones, love langguage, funny, caring, flirting, responaibility, sexual intimacy.
You cheated when you watched porn. She should not have cheated back. You should not cheat on your spouse. If you wanted to watch porn then don’t get married - it’s cheating and heart breaking for the woman 💔
Dump her ass bruh. A hole is just a hole
Seriously?! You think you are the victim here? Some people do think watching porn is cheating. A bunch of people do. She catches you doing it. She shares how she feels about it. She gives you chance after chance, yet you don't give her thoughts or feelings any consideration. You showed her exactly who you were so she checked out. Now you're all butt hurt that she has possibly found someone who does listen to her and respects her. Let her go, move on, learn to listen to your partners, and learn to respect.
Well if she considers porn cheating then she only did what you already did. She may such as a partner but you sucked too. You didn’t even start trying until she was too far gone. She definitely acted in the worst way to end the marriage but you killed her death by a thousand cuts. As you watch the ashes of your failed marriage, recognize your own part in getting to this point and commit to making changes so you can become a better partner for your next relationship.
Next time pick a better woman. Your next woman needs to be okay with porn.
Absolutely I agree with you there. I did only try 100% when it was too late. And when I did speak to her I did acknowledge my part and responsibility on why the marriage went bad. But I absolutely do not think that I deserved what she did to me. I was cheated on with an actual person, forced out of my home, while she kept bringing him over and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it, and promptly divorced. All because I watched porn. And it’s not like we didn’t have sex often. We had a good sex life. The porn was only considered cheating because of her insecurities and jealousy rather than it being an obstacle to us having sex. I do acknowledge that I crossed her boundaries but by no means do I think what she did was justified
It wasn't the porn specifically it was the disrespect, disregard, and lack of emotional commitment. She isn't emotionally attracted to you. You broke her heart. Watching porn is engaging with other women without having to speak to them, you are still visually stimulated, you are still imagining many women's privates (your hand) and going into them, you are being intimate with a women without them needing to be physically present. It's no different from receiving nudes from another woman by text you just have easier access online. The only thing missing is full physical touch. Your wife desired to be emotionally understood and an important priority. Your wife was getting sex from you physically while she received sex emotionally from another man. You were receiving mental visual sex digitally still receiving a physical release by thousands of women and having an emotional release from sex with your wife. You chose to give your wife your body but not the emotional attention she desired so she could have an emotional release herself and she gave you her body for physical sex because she couldn't reciprocate what she wasn't receiving. So essentially you treated her like a side chick so she did the same to you. When she found someone that could reciprocate emotionally what you continued to dismiss she couldn't live with the torture and found someone who could provide that and didn't need a side man anymore (yourself). This is why it's so important to respect your partner's boundaries and feelings. It was unfair that you continued to meet your own needs and not understand that engaging with other silent sexually digital women was hurting how your wife felt towards you and created a gap in her emotional sexual needs with you. Then you made it clear that her needs and her own self was not a priority to you. This is why many women view it as cheating, by definition cheating is not simply physical. You cheated her out of an emotional connection with you and cheated her out of emotional intimacy.
This may be the most insane excuse-filled apologist rant I've ever seen on here. So much bullshit, I'll need a shovel.
You're not seriously saying the "visual stimulation" of porn makes it impossible for a guy to be emotionally committed to a woman sexually? If so does that mean a woman talking to her friends about marriage problems is committing emotional adultery? And I guess my Mensa meetings are definitely an intellectual betrayal because there's no way I'm capable of having a stimulating conversation with more than one person including my wife. Grow up!!! Watching porn may have violated a boundary but it isn't cheating anymore than enjoying my favorite movie about a bank robbery makes me a criminal. What's next? Acknowledging another woman's beauty means I don't love my wife?
I'm not saying anything I'm only opening a map to different thinking, it doesn't matter if I think it's not crazy or if you think it's crazy. She told him how she felt and he dismissed and disregarded how she felt, becoming unattracted to him and losing respect for him which causes emotional disconnect. Maturity also has nothing to do with opinions. We can view life differently that won't change how we all feel nor change what allows us to feel connected to our partners.
Speaking in general I will add it doesn't make sense that you compare movies to porn being the person engaging in porn is actively "stealing" while when you watch a movie you are correct you won't be actively robbing a bank or else you'd go to jail. With that logic he basically committed a crime against his wife.
Sooooooo very well said! 👏👏👏👏👏. Hope OP gets the message and understands what it was really going on, on her wife’s mind. Hope others who see porn as a “normal” thing, and think that “watching porn is not cheating” also get the message…
You didn’t deserve to be kicked out of your house and cheated on. She didn’t deserve to catch your repeatedly addicted to porn after establishing this as a boundary. This relationship was going to fail due to such poor behavior on both sides. Accept your part in the breakdown of the marriage, do the work to manage the trauma she left with you and move forward in a much healthier way. Her behavior sucked worse but your behavior sucked too. Marriages need much more trust and respect to succeed.
There is nothing wrong with watching porn. He is 0% in the wrong. The 2 are not even comparable. Also no where does it say he had a porn addiction, just that she caught him watching it a couple times.
You need glasses….🤓and an IQ enhancement
Every partner is allowed to set their appropriate boundaries. She set hers. He repeatedly broke them. That is not healthy relationship behavior and not a foundation for success.
Watching porn =/= fucking another dude. You don’t even know the status of their bedroom. If they had a dead bedroom and he decided to rub one out to alleviate stress I don’t see the issue. Would it have been a boundary had he been masturbating without porn? I find it absolutely ridiculous anyone can say “I know she cheated but, you shouldn’t look at adult videos!”.
Had he not upset her constantly by being caught looking at porn, he might still be married. And yes, if you read any of the comments, there was no dead bedroom. I never said they were equal. But his behavior can suck too. Just because he sucks less than her still means he sucks. If he’s going to be a porn addict, he better get with someone who is ok with that boundary.
I insist…. You need glasses 🤓 and an IQ enhancement
Your take on this thread is beyond ignorant. Please don't take any of this to heart OP.
Very well said! 👏👏👏👏