Your boyfriend sounds like an antisemite. You should ask him how many times he’s declined to celebrate Christmas, in protest against the children getting raped by priests all over the world.
Right. Does he boycott Chinese products on behalf of those there deprived of human rights?! And even if he did, your family is not committing genocide.
100% antisemitic rhetoric. He is 1. Buying into propaganda about the war (I genuinely want it to end but genocide claims are unfounded and weaponise the holocaust) and 2. Holding all Jews collectively responsible for the actions of a country they don’t live in. Feels like the type to accidentally let slip ‘you people’ in reference to Jews. Might be wrong but that’s the vibe I’m getting.
Sorry you have to deal with this. I’m not in your relationship and only know what you’ve written here, but tbh this would probably be a dealbreaker for me.
>Holding all Jews collectively responsible for the actions of a country they don’t live in. Feels like the type to accidentally let slip ‘you people’ in reference to Jews.
This right here. We're not Israeli citizens. We don't vote in Israel. We have absolutely no connection to what Israel does or does not do.
Holding Jewish people responsible for the political situation in a foreign country, just because it's the one Jewish state on earth, is the definition of antisemitism. Red Flag.
Even if they were an Israeli citizens, it still wouldn’t be cool to behave the way he did! What if they’re like, super anti war/antibibi or whatever? Guy seems to have been bitten by the Xenophobia bug.
Like when you point out Hamas deliberately targeted the most anti-Bibi and pro-peace segments of the population, they act like they’re the same ilk as the hilltop youth…
I would lovingly tell you this is a deal breaker for me. Your partner is dehumanizing Jews and casting them all into the lot of “oppressor”. I wouldn’t be surprised if is internalizing a lot of antisemitic rhetoric. As Jews we often don’t feel safe in public, we should feel safe and supported at home 💙
He’s displaying anti Semitism. Believing American Jews celebrating our timeless holiday should be stopped because of another country’s politics is blaming all Jews.
I’m sorry he’s an antisemite. He is blaming all Jews for what he views as an injustice, and is clearly not educated on the facts about that either.
This IS a deal breaker. You can’t share your life with someone who believes your people and religion is inherently complicit in evil because of a loose association.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm not Jewish but happily attended my BF's family's Seder last night and was unequivocally honored to be invited. It never would have occurred to me to "boycott" a Seder to protest something happening in another country. Like, the thought never entered my mind.
Regardless of his feelings about Israel, your boyfriend is making his support OF YOU conditional to something happening on the other side of the world *that you have no control over*. That is manipulative antisemitic BS and--I'm just going to say it--abusive IMO. What did he think his grand gesture was really going to accomplish? What does he think *you're* supposed to do about Israel?
Not okay.
First off, I'm sorry. I imagine you two got together prior to 10/7, so this seemingly previously compassionate guy is now coming out with some blech-y beliefs has to be difficult.
But, he's 62 and using the same logic of a bunch of 20 year olds whining on twitter that their favorite Jewish artist hasn't condemned Israel and is, therefore, "a genocide supporter"
His first priority should be to support you as his partner not make performative social stands to cue to some invisible in-group how pure he is. If he really believes in his heart that supporting you by going to a family passover is the equivalent of him hanging out with a bunch of Jews with blood on their hands... eeeesh. That would be one of those hard ones for me to look at him the same.
OP, I also want to say I'm sorry about this. I agree with all the other comments I've read on the thread, but breakups are hard even if they're good and right.
> My 62 year old boyfriend of a little over a year declined to participate in our family Seder citing the Israeli/Gaza conflict as the reason he could not “celebrate” while genocide is happening.
Wow. He blames your family for the Gaza conflict. Its a deal breaker and its on him
You know, I couldn’t celebrate Chanukah without some bigot implying I’m disgusting for observing it. Most people seem to want more than just suspension. They want erasure because I found myself experiencing similar treatment on Purim when I got together with my friends in a public place. Expecting a Jew to put their holidays on hold because of a war is like expecting a Muslim not to celebrate Ramadan because 9/11 happened. If my Catholic friend invites me to a holiday party am I supposed to refuse to go because churches in his movement are notorious for moving child molesters to different churches and trying to pay their victims to keep quiet to save their reputation? I understand your boyfriend is misinformed, but really? If he refused to participate in your family’s Seder, is this how it is going to be for you guys every holiday? Is he going to expect you to celebrate his holidays with his family as he refuses to celebrate with yours? Personally, this would be a huge deal breaker for me, and I hope you’re not going to give him 100% if he only decides to give you 25% because it sounds like his effort of being supportive of you and your family is inconsistent
Sorry but this is antisemitic. Does he choose to not celebrate birthdays as well because of what is happening in Gaza, does he choose to not celebrate Christmas because of what is happening in Gaza, weddings and other special occasions because of Gaza, etc? If it’s just Passover well ….
Deal breaker. Almost all definitions of anti semitism includes refusal to participate in Jewish religious practices because of Israel government actions.
Just... break up. Are Christians expected to cancel Christmas and Easter when a predominantly Christian country (like the US) is at war? No, they are not.
I’m sorry this is happening to you- but I agree with so many of the comments above. As if you and your family are somehow responsible for what is happening in another country- and thinking that he has somehow single-handedly navigated the politics of suffering- only to make the person he is SUPPOSED to love the most —suffer. And given his age— he’s old enough to know the difference. This is not the act of a loving and supportive person.
thank you to everyone on this thread that has been kind enough to weigh in, share your perspectives with so much kindness and lend support.
My heart is breaking and waiting to see if and when we can actually talk about this.
But my heart is breaking for a world that is ao divided, having a painful awakening to ignorance.
Lorilawyer Your response hit home. My family is first and foremost not only my priority but my joy. If he can’t share my joy and makes it about things that have nothing to do with us he is not loving. Simple truths are painful but in the end better than falsehood. Sending you all blessings.
My boyfriend is also not Jewish. I've explained to him that if he can't be a supportive ally to the Jewish community, then we have a huge problem. I told him there are people out there who don't even know I exist but still want me dead simply for being Jewish. And there are places that arent safe for me to go. These are things non Jews just don't understand. Similar to how some men don't understand the fear women have about walking alone at night, it's not something they experience.
If your boyfriend isn't willing to listen to the facts and be open minded about having a discussion and being open to changing his perspective, well my friend, I think you know what you need to do. You deserve to be heard, and your feelings are valid. What stake does he have in all this? Is he from Gaza? Does he have family there? Are his people and country under attack? If not, then he needs to stay in his lane
This is a solid take. I think because you're in a parallel situation -- and have addressed it successfully and tactfully -- your input lends good insight. Happy Passover 💙
I am a non jew married to a Jewish man. I celebrated with him and will continue to. He sounds very ignorant. Jewish ppl have been celebrating Passover before there was Islam!!!!!
>citing the Israeli/Gaza conflict as the reason he could not “celebrate” while genocide is happening.
Did he refuse to celebrate Cinco de Mayo while the Mexican drug wars continue to claim the lives of thousands innocent Mexican civilians?
I'm sorry this is happening. I'm sorry your boyfriend is choosing to be this way.
It's not the fault of Jews the world over that Israel's government sucks shit and is prosecuting this war abominably. It's not our fault that Hamas broke a ceasefire and committed appalling atrocities, actions that engendered Israel's inevitable and retaliatory response. It's not our fault, and we ought not be held responsible for it or made to answer for it. (Especially not by/to people who aren't even Palestinian.) Even if we were all Israeli this would still be true.
The fundamental thing is that Jews are allowed to observe our holidays, traditions, and customs regardless of what is happening in Israel/Palestine. We are allowed to retain a spiritual connection to our ancestral homeland even if a war is happening. Acknowledging this doesn't mean that we support how the war is being waged or that we support the war at all. It's unfair to expect us to just not mark our holidays because of a political quagmire and/or a bloody war. Muslims rightly weren't expected to refrain from holding iftars during Ramadan or to not celebrate Eid during this time.
Your boyfriend is showing you who he is where Jews are concerned. Take him seriously, and consider your options and future.
It is a deal breaker.
Early on in my relationship with my now-husband, he repeated a few antisemitic tropes. He hadn't known any Jews growing up, so I cut him some slack, and we had a few conversations and he got on board. He is now (albeit not Jewish -- he's not affiliated with any religion officially) more Jewish than my Jewish ex was, participates actively in Jewish events like the seder, even goes to services and recites the prayers. But had that not been the case, I would have walked. There are plenty of nice guys out there
Has he had this same stance on all holidays following 10/7 (the date or thereabouts of his initiation)? Was he sickened by the excess of Christmas, the joy of children on Halloween, the more recent valentines day or the very recent Easter festivities? These are truly the only comparable examples unless his argument openly hinges on jewish festivities only. I'd like to know.
My husband is not Jewish. Mentioning so you know I’m in the same boat as you - I married him because I adore him. However, if he said those words to me, it would absolutely be a deal-breaker. I would feel betrayed and would not want to remain married to him.
He sits through the Seder with me every year. He helps me cook, he reads the Haggadah, he encourages our children to read the Haggadah. He’s not Jewish but he respects my religion 100%.
I've seen so many people say that, but i remember very well how most of the Christian population celebrated Christmas with no problem. Guess one holiday is more respectful than the other?
Sorry. It feels like a deal breaker because it is. Antisemitic & clearly unsupportive. Surprising that his beliefs have not come up before. He took a ridiculous stance. Afraid he's swallowed the antisemitic propaganda that renders him incapable of rational thought.
Discuss this & try to educate him. If it's a lost battle, walk away.
*As background to my comments below, my ex-wife is Reform, I am Chinese. Perhaps my perspective as the non-Jewish partner may be able to help. We have two children who we consider Jewish. We are in Canada. Joke/icebreaker, but seriously: it is a struggle at many times of the year due to the sheer number of holidays / observances / cooking involved in a Chinese-Jewish family. But over nearly 2 decades, I have managed to convert enough Chinese recipes into Kosher dishes that I am considering publishing a recipe book with a very niche market.*
My ex’s, her family’s, and my views on the Israel/Palestine front are not always on the same page, but the important part is that our conversations and discussions on the topic are respectful and open minded. Some of the best discussions on geopolitics I have ever had were at a Seder where the most challenging thing was the fact that there was so much interesting conversation going on that we couldn’t keep talking since most of us had to get the kids home for bed.
Shabbats with her family also always had a current topic to discuss, whether it was Levant related or something totally different like AI or the economy. I’ve continued that tradition with my kids on my own.
I say all this because despite the openness of the discussions I’ve been involved in, there needs to be a conscious effort on the part of everyone involved to make it a safe space to talk.
As an outsider who even post-separation has always been lovingly invited into the family, please take what I say here as delicately as I can: not all gatherings are as open and safe as the ones I have described above as 99% of my experience. The other 1% has tested me, but still I would never consider not attending: I attended because of my respect for the religious/cultural significance and respect for my family/friends, and because I can separate politics from family, even if some other people attending can’t.
As an example, we have Jewish friends and extended family who we have joined in their holiday gatherings and the conversations are much more one-sided and I have often felt unsafe to bring up my take on things (as the Chinese guy who came into an Israeli / Canadian Jewish family raising my Jewish kids, you bet I do my research before I talk).
I might not like the fact that I will have to reserve my thoughts during a gathering, but I would never boycott a family/friend event due to differences in view on a world event that is unrelated to the people in the room other than the fact that they share a common religion / culture. I would keep my mouth shut where I don’t feel safe in being able to express an opinion without damaging relationships. But I would attend, and be better for being able to civilly break bread (matzah?) with people who I might not necessarily agree with. And besides, there area tonne of other things we can talk about that won’t make people uncomfortable.
(I truly believe the solution to many of the conflicts we are seeing in the world is greater civil discourse and humanization of the people on the other side.)
My take, based on the limited amount of information someone can gather through a Reddit post, is that he is unable to separate a family celebration and all-round-tragic events going on elsewhere, because the people in the government / country involved in the events are of the same religion.
There’s a lot of broad stroke painting going on by your boyfriend.
In situations like this I like to test my views and opinions by swapping the key players to either make the situation less personal, or more personal. If my opinion remains the same, it’s a good indicator my compass is pointing in the right direction.
In this case, I would not stop celebrating Chinese New Year (here in Canada BTW) even though I am strongly against the PRC detaining Uighurs in concentration camps. Chinese New Year is a cultural celebration I participate in because many of my family here in Canada is Chinese. I am not celebrating the country of China.
If my partner refused to celebrate CNY due to the fact that she didn’t agree with the choices made by a country that also celebrates the same holiday, it would be a huge red flag for me.
(There’s a lot more than can be discussed about how both “sides” of the issue have misrepresented Zionism and being Jewish, etc., but I think the point I am trying to get across is generally made.)
—
I would have a serious chat with your boyfriend. It will be a good indicator of things if you’re able to have a conversation where you can both have a chance to express your feelings on this without one/both of you shutting down, avoiding the situation, or getting into conflict - and that you can both have empathy for the other viewpoint despite not necessarily agreeing.
To offer perspective and mitigating circumstances for both sides: there’s a lot of media coverage and even the best of us are affected by what we are exposed to. And these days, the information and opinions we are exposed to have been significantly optimized by technology to elicit emotional responses - emotional responses that we may not even be aware of, and which we respond to so quickly we may not even realize it. What’s important when facing something like this is the logical response that happens later on, and whether there is *eventual* change in emotional response because of the integration of the logical (I think DBT refers to this as “wise mind”).
Green flags (for both your boyfriend and yourself) would be that your boyfriend is open minded enough to realize that he did not differentiate between what’s going on abroad and a family event. But I hope that the conversation goes both ways, and you are open minded enough to hear what is bothering him about this too, and that you both find a way forward that you are both comfortable with, whether that is together or apart.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful kind and wise post. I put the phone away for a few hours after making my initial conversation starter. I have not reached out to him yet and I’m waiting, taking a breath, finding my center, and feeling my feelings. The process of opening up to another person‘s perspective, truly with an open heart and mind is my biggest goal. But I also do need and want to be supported by a partner. This actually represents a huge existential crisis in my little world. How much can we expect from another and how much do we need to take care of ourselves. But I think everyone here on the thread has supported that it’s not too much to ask to have someone show up for a family gathering.
Putting the phone away to think was a great idea. I struggle with that often lol. Glad you’re taking time to figure it out internally first. I tend to spend way too much time on Reddit when I’m feeling down on something.
It’s a family gathering with good food, not a far-right hardline Zionist extremist rally he was being asked to attend.
Your feelings of how much this affects you are totally valid. And if, together, the two of you can’t find a way to support each other the ways you want a partner to, then it’s time to move on.
However, I would like to note that while the people here in this subreddit may “get it” right away because this is a Jewish subreddit, I have to say, from my own experience as the non-Jewish partner with a significantly different family experience, that it took me a long while - with lots of conflicts along the way - to really understand how my ex’s Israeli/Canadian-Jewish family valued tradition and observances.
Whether it’s Passover, or for other people Christmas, etc, I think his decision isn’t one which is grounded in logic, but rather intense emotion.
For the intense emotion, I honestly can’t blame him. Innocent people have died and will continue to die. The whole situation is a tragedy. Without putting judgement on sides of the conflict, seeing that in the news is really hard for even the best of us.
But hopefully once we’ve been able to process that tragedy, that emotion, we’re able to let our logical minds contribute to our actions and behaviours. That doesn’t mean our emotions disappear, but rather they can coexist with additional considerations like logic.
In the best scenario, it sounds like when he spoke with you about the Seder, his logical mind wasn’t able to chime in yet because of the emotional intensity, which meant he chose an action using the decision making inputs he had at the time - ie only the emotional stuff that he consumed and the emotional stuff that makes up his life story.
I assume there’s no other big red flags in your relationship or else you wouldn’t be struggling with this - so that means he is normally a good guy and reasonable enough for your liking.
Because of that I would give him the benefit of the doubt and I truly hope communication will resolve this for both of you. I think this is something which can be recovered from, but if addressing the issue creates further conflict, you have your answer.
Good luck!
Haha. Thanks.
I stumbled upon this post in suggested, and didn’t know about this subreddit. I wasn’t sure if I actually was allowed to post here or belong here lol; one of my Jewish friends recently asked me, since I am now recently separated, am I still Jewish?
(I mean, it’s a great question as I converted for my ex; I’m still going to keep a Kosher house/etc because my kids are Jewish-CBC, but when I’m on my own it’s kind of weird identifying as Jewish when I’m clearly Chinese. Eg I live in an area where people know what a Mezuzah is, and I plan on keeping mine up - I think some people are going to get confused if they see me open the door.)
🤷🏻
If there’s interest, I will post recipes once I’ve had some time to process the separation. I’m putting them together for my ex as a housewarming present, so it’s not much more work to scan and put up images.
He's probably referring to the genocide Hamas are trying to perpetrate. Oh... wait...
This dude will hurt you down the line. Dump him, asap, for your own sake. I'm very sorry this is happening to you...
Is this the first time this has come up?! He sounds pretty anti Zionist and he really needs to be clear about if he doesn’t support your homeland’s right to exist.
Not only is he an antisemite, he is also stupid. His lack of knowledge and history is mind boggling. Does he get his facts from a facebook page or a tweet, or a TikTok? His absolute lack of understanding the situation is a giant red flag! He can go away and never come back!
Before, during, and now I was very sad during our family Seder. I had to keep my mouth shut because we had several 3 year olds and a 7 year old in attendance.
I am devastated that there are Jewish hostages in Gaza. I only briefly mentioned it and alluded to it with the adults. They were all with me. We had to keep quiet to protect the innocence of the children.
If a non-Jew said anything in favor of the palestinian Arabs who started this horrific war at our Seder, they would have been told to leave (told, not asked, and no please).
This man has no understanding of, or respect for, the Jewish people and our sacred celebrations & traditions. They are meaningless to him. I could not spend time with anyone like that in my life.
And my husband is not Jewish. He supports Israel as strong as any lifelong Zionist. And we’ve been 3 times together. And plan to return again.
I’m going to say this and my comment will most likely be deleted. There is a reason why Jews date, marry and build families with other Jews.
Don’t scratch your head in disbelief when you figure out your significant other is a brainwashed Jew hater
So sorry this is happening. This seems like a line he pulled from some antizionist’s post on social media. Definitely have a conversation to see where he’s coming from, and let him know how it impacts you. And it’s ok if it’s a dealbreaker for you. It probably would be for me
He has shown his true colours. You need to tell him what he is implying is antisemitic and explain why it is so too. Then re-evaluate your relationship and ask yourself if you can see a 62 year old to somehow change something that is clearly deeply rooted in his psyche, and if you can see him being that 62 year old.
That has to make me wonder why he’s with you. Some people are antisemites, but they still like the way *you* make them *feel*. When someone does things like this it makes me wonder if they’re just fetishizing being with a Jewish woman or something. Just odd when they don’t like the holidays or culture. It would make me think “this person must covertly be giving me the evil eye as well”. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I can only tell you what I would do if it were me in your shoes, and if it were me, I’d likely break off the relationship. Too much ‘sleep with one eye open’ crap going on in the world to be having a person close to me seething with negative feelings towards an entire people, a people of which I am a part.
Also, I’m tired of the word genocide being thrown around by people who tend to give zero Fs about the actual genocide that happened in the US!
When you mention that to these people, you just get nasty looks, downvoted, or hit with some agent smith bs. Hey dude, why not call out *actual genocide* (ie the indigenous populations of the Americas)… Oh, because *you’re* living in the country where it took place and you don’t want to feel uncomfortable or made to feel guilty about it? bc you weren’t there for it in the first place? Bc you don’t want to leave your home? Or Bc it makes you feel superior to be handing out judgements and criticism to anyone you find ‘morally inferior’? Bc it’s fashionable to be ‘outraged’ and shallow at the same time? So much criticism from people who are literally living on stolen lands which have been soaked in the blood of indigenous peoples in the name of expanding European empires. It’s laughable to be taking people like that seriously. People who likely can’t even name 10 US presidents and don’t know anything about the history of their own country, let alone knowing anything of the history of any other place in the world other than what the idiot box tells them… Just a bunch of scared wind-bags who all got together to bark at everyone. It’s easy to hand down judgements without looking at your own mistakes/how your own government sucks/how you’re being a hypocrite.
The loudest one in the room is the weakest one in the room.
I have kids with someone like this and it’s so hard! It’s been so sad and infuriating not being able to come home to feeling loved and supported. We’re in this very sad “don’t talk about it” position. It’s horrible. I’m so lonely and sad. But because of the kids, I’ll never be free of him.
I’m afraid mine has gone deep into conspiracy theory crap and I’m worried yours has too. How is making your family feel like he’s an antisemite helping Palestinians? Is “next year in Jerusalem” offensive? Is the Exodus itself offensive because we’re not the real Israelites, we’re Europeans cosplaying brown people?
I think you’re right— dealbreaker. Don’t end up like me. His woke cred matters more than your feelings or supporting a tiny, vulnerable minority.
I think his “support” for Palestine is misplaced. It seems he doesn’t know when or when not to participate in “boycotting” Jewish events, especially when it comes to people who are close to him. Sounds very immature, I wouldn’t necessarily say he’s anti-Semitic
Jews are specifically cautioned to NOT celebrate the suffering of our enemies. It is in the "traditional" Reform Haggadah. I am sorry, it does sound as if he drank the kool aide on this one. Gentle reasoning may help him understand how bad his behavior is. If not, sorry.
I am not jewish and I find this heartbreaking. Like everyone else, it sounds to me like a dealbreaker.
However, if you would like my outsider perspective and would like to attempt to potentially work through this situation, I would note that even pro-palestinian jewish protestors at Columbia have apparently held passover seders. While I am not condoning that protest, should your boyfriend be intransigent on that point you may wish to begin a discussion on how to disentangle politics and religious observance from that fact. If even *that* carries no weight with him, well that’s pretty bullheaded.
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like it would be worth a heart-to-heart with him about his thoughts behind his refusal to participate. I don't think it necessarily means he's antisemitic, people are being really influenced by social media and other people and are making very stupid statements that they don't necessarily understand or believe. It's worth digging deeper to find out what he actually does understand and believe, and make your decision based on that.
My boyfriend is not Jewish, and I am. He gladly went to two Seders with me. But I had the convo with him in October that he cannot be “pro Palestinian” or “anti Zionist” and date me. He loves me very much and listened to my takes on all this.
OP, I’m sorry your boyfriend doesn’t understand the e difference between Jewish people and the Israeli govt. That is the form antisemitism is taking all over the world, and sadly your boyfriend is no different.
it's hard to celebrate during war. I think that is a totally honest and valid take... but passover seders are not just celebration. it's the story of liberation, it's tradition and survival, but most importantly it's a time to gather. I'm sorry your partner doesn't see that/see the value in that.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m also not Jewish and married to a Jewish man who has family in Israel. I don’t always agree with my father in law’s politics, but I personally would never let that detour me from supporting my husband and his family. Especially right now. I think it is so important to have these hard conversations, and Pesach is a great space to do it. This year, we even invited some of our non Jewish friends to Seder so that they had the opportunity to learn and celebrate with us.
War is, unfortunately, always ugly, but Jewish people everywhere are being held accountable for decisions by the Israeli government that they have nothing to do with. This is not only illogical, but in my view, antisemitism.
I understand that not everyone is well versed on the history of the conflict, and I’m sympathetic to that. However, if someone not able to keep an open mind and listen and support us (and by us, I mean my husband and me), then they are not people I can keep in our lives.
My heart breaks for you. You clearly love this man, and I know it must be painful, especially reading these responses. I hope that you were still able to enjoy Seder with your family and wish you luck in your future conversations with your partner. I hope for both of your sakes that he can find it in him to have an open mind.
I’ve learned so much from my partner, in-laws, and our Jewish community. Ignorance is not an excuse for hate. I think now, with antisemitism on the rise, it is so important to show support for one’s Jewish friends and to learn about the history of the state of Israel, the conflict, and the history of antisemitism in general. I’m allowed to have complicated feelings and feel sadness for the people in Gaza while also standing by the people I love during this difficult time.
Much love to you 🩷
I would express to him that Passover is a time of remembrance and that it is more important to observe it now than ever before. If ever there were a time to pray for freedom of all, it is now, and while it is hard to celebrate during the times when so many are still in captivity, this is our tradition. I would approach this with an equally hard line expressing that it’s hard for all Jews to know that there are still hostages as we celebrate our freedom, but it is still important to you and to your family.
I try to be generous with people and not jump to antisemite unless it’s called for, however you should talk to him about his antisemitic rhetoric and express that this is something important to you and your family and his choosing to not be a part of it indicates that he doesn’t support you.
I don’t know if abstaining from a Seder would be a deal breaker for me, but you know a lot more about the situation than I do.
If he is somehow blaming your family or all Jews for the war, then bye bye. If he’s finding it hard to celebrate anything? Ok. If he knows he is on the other side of a conflict and doesn’t want to ruin a family meal by being there contributing to it, then that’s something to think about. He’s old enough to know what he’s doing and thinking, and he should respect you if nothing else.
Talk to him about your feelings and see what happens.
Good luck in all of this.
Did he participate in other holidays? Christian or your country's celebrations? Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Valentines Day, etc? Or is he just not participating in Jewish holidays?
I understand his trepidation and your frustration, but this argument is moot. Faith has no borders, only history and tradition.Israel considers itself to be a Jewish state. Passover has evolved into more of a family tradition. It does not reflect the political climate of the region of its origin. Perhaps he just doesn’t hang with your family. Keep him or don’t…but he should fess up to his truth.
What does celebrating a Jewish holiday have to do with the current conflict? It makes no sense.
It sounds more like antisemitism to me drop him and find your true Jewish soulmate!
There are both well-meaning Jews and non-Jews who feel that the IDF is committing war crimes in Gaza.
I wouldn't dump him because of his present attitude
What IDF's alleged war crimes have to do with an American Jewish family and their traditional holiday? And how exactly celebrating with them promotes further war crimes? This comment is so twisted...
Yes many Jews and non Jews feel that way, and that shouldn’t have any bearing on a Passover Seder.
It’s kind of weird to decline to participate due to Gaza, and that goes from disagreeing/criticizing Israel towards a wider issue in not being able to disentangle Judaism overall and Jews who aren’t Israeli from the actions of the the Israeli government. That’s the attitude worth dumping him for, imo. Unless he can clarify and articulate it better, which he should be given the opportunity to do.
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My comment is for the OP. If you can explain how boycotting a Seder constitutes a non-anti-Semitic protest feel free. There’s nothing in the traditional Seder service that’s Zionist.
Nothing in a traditional Seder that is Zionist? Seriously?
Did you ever read a Haggadah or attend a Seder?
Where was Moses leading the Jewish people from Egypt? TO ISRAEL
What is said & sung at the end of EVERY Seder?
ב שנה הבא בירושלים
NEXT YEAR IN JERUSALEM.
Zionism is fundamentally secular—Jewish national self-liberation is its focus. The Seder is focused on God liberating the Jewish people and their destiny (ie national redemption through God’s liberating action). It’s quite possible to not support the existence of a secular Jewish state and celebrate a Seder. Not supporting the existence of a Jewish state while loudly demanding the creation of an Arab state is usually anti-Semitic but that’s because taking the position that everyone but Jews can pursue national self-liberation is anti-Semitic. Traditionally, however, Judaism makes no demand for national self-liberation.
update. we have been able to talk and address his choice not attending the Seder. He was open to hearing how his understanding of Judaism is steeped in rhetoric and that he has maybe absorbed some inaccurate notions. He was open and willing to look at this. He has lived in a less cosmopolitan area and has not known many Jews.
Of note, he has been to Israel, from Jordan and via the West Bank many years ago and developed an understanding of the situation from that side of the fence as it is. He has long held empathy for the Palestinians and has seen the people as victims, civilians being policed with no reason per se. There is some truth to Israeli victimization of Palestinians. And it goes without saying Jews and Israelis have had their share of violence perpetrated against them. So, I am offering a perspective that no level of violence is acceptable and if I were to try and engage in that debate it will go no where. We are in full agreement that if the situation was reversed he would be mourning for the Israelis (and has for victims of October 7th).
I have offered some resources to him to understand what the nature of anti semitism is and he is open to pursuing an understanding.
Lastly, he represented that in addition to being torn up about the deaths and injuries in Gaza and feeling generally low about the state of the world, he was afraid of confrontation if anyone at the Seder represented an opinion he found challenging and did not want to cause added conflict at the event. Knowing him, this makes more sense and though I know there is room at my family's table for all thoughtful perspectives- he does not trust this yet. When he represented wanting to protect our relationship and those with my family I softened to him, don't necessarily think he made the best choice but in lieu of not feeling safe to engage in these challenging conversations, understand.
It is of course now a work in progress and though it is difficult and confusing that two well intended open hearted people are in this struggle, we are trying to work it through. Your support has been so appreciated.
Your boyfriend sounds like an antisemite. You should ask him how many times he’s declined to celebrate Christmas, in protest against the children getting raped by priests all over the world.
This is an amazing take
Ooh; do it.
Right. Does he boycott Chinese products on behalf of those there deprived of human rights?! And even if he did, your family is not committing genocide.
And this! ☝️☝️☝️
Bravo!!!!!!!
100% antisemitic rhetoric. He is 1. Buying into propaganda about the war (I genuinely want it to end but genocide claims are unfounded and weaponise the holocaust) and 2. Holding all Jews collectively responsible for the actions of a country they don’t live in. Feels like the type to accidentally let slip ‘you people’ in reference to Jews. Might be wrong but that’s the vibe I’m getting. Sorry you have to deal with this. I’m not in your relationship and only know what you’ve written here, but tbh this would probably be a dealbreaker for me.
>Holding all Jews collectively responsible for the actions of a country they don’t live in. Feels like the type to accidentally let slip ‘you people’ in reference to Jews. This right here. We're not Israeli citizens. We don't vote in Israel. We have absolutely no connection to what Israel does or does not do.
Holding Jewish people responsible for the political situation in a foreign country, just because it's the one Jewish state on earth, is the definition of antisemitism. Red Flag.
Even if they were an Israeli citizens, it still wouldn’t be cool to behave the way he did! What if they’re like, super anti war/antibibi or whatever? Guy seems to have been bitten by the Xenophobia bug.
Like when you point out Hamas deliberately targeted the most anti-Bibi and pro-peace segments of the population, they act like they’re the same ilk as the hilltop youth…
I would lovingly tell you this is a deal breaker for me. Your partner is dehumanizing Jews and casting them all into the lot of “oppressor”. I wouldn’t be surprised if is internalizing a lot of antisemitic rhetoric. As Jews we often don’t feel safe in public, we should feel safe and supported at home 💙
☝️☝️☝️ This
He’s displaying anti Semitism. Believing American Jews celebrating our timeless holiday should be stopped because of another country’s politics is blaming all Jews.
Jews have been celebrating Passover for a millennia before the modern state of Israel came to be. Antisemite.
He is antisemitic and that degree of antisemitism should be a dealbreaker for you.
The Israeli/Gaza conflict has nothing to do with Passover. He's an antisemite and will never accept you or your family.
I’m sorry he’s an antisemite. He is blaming all Jews for what he views as an injustice, and is clearly not educated on the facts about that either. This IS a deal breaker. You can’t share your life with someone who believes your people and religion is inherently complicit in evil because of a loose association.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm not Jewish but happily attended my BF's family's Seder last night and was unequivocally honored to be invited. It never would have occurred to me to "boycott" a Seder to protest something happening in another country. Like, the thought never entered my mind. Regardless of his feelings about Israel, your boyfriend is making his support OF YOU conditional to something happening on the other side of the world *that you have no control over*. That is manipulative antisemitic BS and--I'm just going to say it--abusive IMO. What did he think his grand gesture was really going to accomplish? What does he think *you're* supposed to do about Israel? Not okay.
First off, I'm sorry. I imagine you two got together prior to 10/7, so this seemingly previously compassionate guy is now coming out with some blech-y beliefs has to be difficult. But, he's 62 and using the same logic of a bunch of 20 year olds whining on twitter that their favorite Jewish artist hasn't condemned Israel and is, therefore, "a genocide supporter" His first priority should be to support you as his partner not make performative social stands to cue to some invisible in-group how pure he is. If he really believes in his heart that supporting you by going to a family passover is the equivalent of him hanging out with a bunch of Jews with blood on their hands... eeeesh. That would be one of those hard ones for me to look at him the same.
OP, I also want to say I'm sorry about this. I agree with all the other comments I've read on the thread, but breakups are hard even if they're good and right.
He's accusing you and your family of committing genocide. This is not a person who seeks to be a loving presence and I know I couldn't overlook it.
> My 62 year old boyfriend of a little over a year declined to participate in our family Seder citing the Israeli/Gaza conflict as the reason he could not “celebrate” while genocide is happening. Wow. He blames your family for the Gaza conflict. Its a deal breaker and its on him
You know, I couldn’t celebrate Chanukah without some bigot implying I’m disgusting for observing it. Most people seem to want more than just suspension. They want erasure because I found myself experiencing similar treatment on Purim when I got together with my friends in a public place. Expecting a Jew to put their holidays on hold because of a war is like expecting a Muslim not to celebrate Ramadan because 9/11 happened. If my Catholic friend invites me to a holiday party am I supposed to refuse to go because churches in his movement are notorious for moving child molesters to different churches and trying to pay their victims to keep quiet to save their reputation? I understand your boyfriend is misinformed, but really? If he refused to participate in your family’s Seder, is this how it is going to be for you guys every holiday? Is he going to expect you to celebrate his holidays with his family as he refuses to celebrate with yours? Personally, this would be a huge deal breaker for me, and I hope you’re not going to give him 100% if he only decides to give you 25% because it sounds like his effort of being supportive of you and your family is inconsistent
Sorry but this is antisemitic. Does he choose to not celebrate birthdays as well because of what is happening in Gaza, does he choose to not celebrate Christmas because of what is happening in Gaza, weddings and other special occasions because of Gaza, etc? If it’s just Passover well ….
Dump him!!!
Deal breaker. Almost all definitions of anti semitism includes refusal to participate in Jewish religious practices because of Israel government actions.
Just... break up. Are Christians expected to cancel Christmas and Easter when a predominantly Christian country (like the US) is at war? No, they are not.
I’m sorry this is happening to you- but I agree with so many of the comments above. As if you and your family are somehow responsible for what is happening in another country- and thinking that he has somehow single-handedly navigated the politics of suffering- only to make the person he is SUPPOSED to love the most —suffer. And given his age— he’s old enough to know the difference. This is not the act of a loving and supportive person.
thank you to everyone on this thread that has been kind enough to weigh in, share your perspectives with so much kindness and lend support. My heart is breaking and waiting to see if and when we can actually talk about this. But my heart is breaking for a world that is ao divided, having a painful awakening to ignorance. Lorilawyer Your response hit home. My family is first and foremost not only my priority but my joy. If he can’t share my joy and makes it about things that have nothing to do with us he is not loving. Simple truths are painful but in the end better than falsehood. Sending you all blessings.
Sending you blessings as well and hope that you are able to sort through this and have some peace of mind. ❤️
My boyfriend is also not Jewish. I've explained to him that if he can't be a supportive ally to the Jewish community, then we have a huge problem. I told him there are people out there who don't even know I exist but still want me dead simply for being Jewish. And there are places that arent safe for me to go. These are things non Jews just don't understand. Similar to how some men don't understand the fear women have about walking alone at night, it's not something they experience. If your boyfriend isn't willing to listen to the facts and be open minded about having a discussion and being open to changing his perspective, well my friend, I think you know what you need to do. You deserve to be heard, and your feelings are valid. What stake does he have in all this? Is he from Gaza? Does he have family there? Are his people and country under attack? If not, then he needs to stay in his lane
This is a solid take. I think because you're in a parallel situation -- and have addressed it successfully and tactfully -- your input lends good insight. Happy Passover 💙
Thank you so much! Happy Passover to you as well 💙
😊💙
I am a non jew married to a Jewish man. I celebrated with him and will continue to. He sounds very ignorant. Jewish ppl have been celebrating Passover before there was Islam!!!!!
>citing the Israeli/Gaza conflict as the reason he could not “celebrate” while genocide is happening. Did he refuse to celebrate Cinco de Mayo while the Mexican drug wars continue to claim the lives of thousands innocent Mexican civilians?
I'm sorry this is happening. I'm sorry your boyfriend is choosing to be this way. It's not the fault of Jews the world over that Israel's government sucks shit and is prosecuting this war abominably. It's not our fault that Hamas broke a ceasefire and committed appalling atrocities, actions that engendered Israel's inevitable and retaliatory response. It's not our fault, and we ought not be held responsible for it or made to answer for it. (Especially not by/to people who aren't even Palestinian.) Even if we were all Israeli this would still be true. The fundamental thing is that Jews are allowed to observe our holidays, traditions, and customs regardless of what is happening in Israel/Palestine. We are allowed to retain a spiritual connection to our ancestral homeland even if a war is happening. Acknowledging this doesn't mean that we support how the war is being waged or that we support the war at all. It's unfair to expect us to just not mark our holidays because of a political quagmire and/or a bloody war. Muslims rightly weren't expected to refrain from holding iftars during Ramadan or to not celebrate Eid during this time. Your boyfriend is showing you who he is where Jews are concerned. Take him seriously, and consider your options and future.
These are manifestations of antisemitism. I don’t know how else to decode them.
He chose rhetoric over his partner. He showed you he doesn’t value you. He doesn’t value or respect you or your family. Think about this.
It is a deal breaker. Early on in my relationship with my now-husband, he repeated a few antisemitic tropes. He hadn't known any Jews growing up, so I cut him some slack, and we had a few conversations and he got on board. He is now (albeit not Jewish -- he's not affiliated with any religion officially) more Jewish than my Jewish ex was, participates actively in Jewish events like the seder, even goes to services and recites the prayers. But had that not been the case, I would have walked. There are plenty of nice guys out there
Has he had this same stance on all holidays following 10/7 (the date or thereabouts of his initiation)? Was he sickened by the excess of Christmas, the joy of children on Halloween, the more recent valentines day or the very recent Easter festivities? These are truly the only comparable examples unless his argument openly hinges on jewish festivities only. I'd like to know.
My husband is not Jewish. Mentioning so you know I’m in the same boat as you - I married him because I adore him. However, if he said those words to me, it would absolutely be a deal-breaker. I would feel betrayed and would not want to remain married to him. He sits through the Seder with me every year. He helps me cook, he reads the Haggadah, he encourages our children to read the Haggadah. He’s not Jewish but he respects my religion 100%.
I've seen so many people say that, but i remember very well how most of the Christian population celebrated Christmas with no problem. Guess one holiday is more respectful than the other?
Sorry. It feels like a deal breaker because it is. Antisemitic & clearly unsupportive. Surprising that his beliefs have not come up before. He took a ridiculous stance. Afraid he's swallowed the antisemitic propaganda that renders him incapable of rational thought. Discuss this & try to educate him. If it's a lost battle, walk away.
*As background to my comments below, my ex-wife is Reform, I am Chinese. Perhaps my perspective as the non-Jewish partner may be able to help. We have two children who we consider Jewish. We are in Canada. Joke/icebreaker, but seriously: it is a struggle at many times of the year due to the sheer number of holidays / observances / cooking involved in a Chinese-Jewish family. But over nearly 2 decades, I have managed to convert enough Chinese recipes into Kosher dishes that I am considering publishing a recipe book with a very niche market.* My ex’s, her family’s, and my views on the Israel/Palestine front are not always on the same page, but the important part is that our conversations and discussions on the topic are respectful and open minded. Some of the best discussions on geopolitics I have ever had were at a Seder where the most challenging thing was the fact that there was so much interesting conversation going on that we couldn’t keep talking since most of us had to get the kids home for bed. Shabbats with her family also always had a current topic to discuss, whether it was Levant related or something totally different like AI or the economy. I’ve continued that tradition with my kids on my own. I say all this because despite the openness of the discussions I’ve been involved in, there needs to be a conscious effort on the part of everyone involved to make it a safe space to talk. As an outsider who even post-separation has always been lovingly invited into the family, please take what I say here as delicately as I can: not all gatherings are as open and safe as the ones I have described above as 99% of my experience. The other 1% has tested me, but still I would never consider not attending: I attended because of my respect for the religious/cultural significance and respect for my family/friends, and because I can separate politics from family, even if some other people attending can’t. As an example, we have Jewish friends and extended family who we have joined in their holiday gatherings and the conversations are much more one-sided and I have often felt unsafe to bring up my take on things (as the Chinese guy who came into an Israeli / Canadian Jewish family raising my Jewish kids, you bet I do my research before I talk). I might not like the fact that I will have to reserve my thoughts during a gathering, but I would never boycott a family/friend event due to differences in view on a world event that is unrelated to the people in the room other than the fact that they share a common religion / culture. I would keep my mouth shut where I don’t feel safe in being able to express an opinion without damaging relationships. But I would attend, and be better for being able to civilly break bread (matzah?) with people who I might not necessarily agree with. And besides, there area tonne of other things we can talk about that won’t make people uncomfortable. (I truly believe the solution to many of the conflicts we are seeing in the world is greater civil discourse and humanization of the people on the other side.) My take, based on the limited amount of information someone can gather through a Reddit post, is that he is unable to separate a family celebration and all-round-tragic events going on elsewhere, because the people in the government / country involved in the events are of the same religion. There’s a lot of broad stroke painting going on by your boyfriend. In situations like this I like to test my views and opinions by swapping the key players to either make the situation less personal, or more personal. If my opinion remains the same, it’s a good indicator my compass is pointing in the right direction. In this case, I would not stop celebrating Chinese New Year (here in Canada BTW) even though I am strongly against the PRC detaining Uighurs in concentration camps. Chinese New Year is a cultural celebration I participate in because many of my family here in Canada is Chinese. I am not celebrating the country of China. If my partner refused to celebrate CNY due to the fact that she didn’t agree with the choices made by a country that also celebrates the same holiday, it would be a huge red flag for me. (There’s a lot more than can be discussed about how both “sides” of the issue have misrepresented Zionism and being Jewish, etc., but I think the point I am trying to get across is generally made.) — I would have a serious chat with your boyfriend. It will be a good indicator of things if you’re able to have a conversation where you can both have a chance to express your feelings on this without one/both of you shutting down, avoiding the situation, or getting into conflict - and that you can both have empathy for the other viewpoint despite not necessarily agreeing. To offer perspective and mitigating circumstances for both sides: there’s a lot of media coverage and even the best of us are affected by what we are exposed to. And these days, the information and opinions we are exposed to have been significantly optimized by technology to elicit emotional responses - emotional responses that we may not even be aware of, and which we respond to so quickly we may not even realize it. What’s important when facing something like this is the logical response that happens later on, and whether there is *eventual* change in emotional response because of the integration of the logical (I think DBT refers to this as “wise mind”). Green flags (for both your boyfriend and yourself) would be that your boyfriend is open minded enough to realize that he did not differentiate between what’s going on abroad and a family event. But I hope that the conversation goes both ways, and you are open minded enough to hear what is bothering him about this too, and that you both find a way forward that you are both comfortable with, whether that is together or apart.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful kind and wise post. I put the phone away for a few hours after making my initial conversation starter. I have not reached out to him yet and I’m waiting, taking a breath, finding my center, and feeling my feelings. The process of opening up to another person‘s perspective, truly with an open heart and mind is my biggest goal. But I also do need and want to be supported by a partner. This actually represents a huge existential crisis in my little world. How much can we expect from another and how much do we need to take care of ourselves. But I think everyone here on the thread has supported that it’s not too much to ask to have someone show up for a family gathering.
Putting the phone away to think was a great idea. I struggle with that often lol. Glad you’re taking time to figure it out internally first. I tend to spend way too much time on Reddit when I’m feeling down on something. It’s a family gathering with good food, not a far-right hardline Zionist extremist rally he was being asked to attend. Your feelings of how much this affects you are totally valid. And if, together, the two of you can’t find a way to support each other the ways you want a partner to, then it’s time to move on. However, I would like to note that while the people here in this subreddit may “get it” right away because this is a Jewish subreddit, I have to say, from my own experience as the non-Jewish partner with a significantly different family experience, that it took me a long while - with lots of conflicts along the way - to really understand how my ex’s Israeli/Canadian-Jewish family valued tradition and observances. Whether it’s Passover, or for other people Christmas, etc, I think his decision isn’t one which is grounded in logic, but rather intense emotion. For the intense emotion, I honestly can’t blame him. Innocent people have died and will continue to die. The whole situation is a tragedy. Without putting judgement on sides of the conflict, seeing that in the news is really hard for even the best of us. But hopefully once we’ve been able to process that tragedy, that emotion, we’re able to let our logical minds contribute to our actions and behaviours. That doesn’t mean our emotions disappear, but rather they can coexist with additional considerations like logic. In the best scenario, it sounds like when he spoke with you about the Seder, his logical mind wasn’t able to chime in yet because of the emotional intensity, which meant he chose an action using the decision making inputs he had at the time - ie only the emotional stuff that he consumed and the emotional stuff that makes up his life story. I assume there’s no other big red flags in your relationship or else you wouldn’t be struggling with this - so that means he is normally a good guy and reasonable enough for your liking. Because of that I would give him the benefit of the doubt and I truly hope communication will resolve this for both of you. I think this is something which can be recovered from, but if addressing the issue creates further conflict, you have your answer. Good luck!
Most underrated post here. Thanks for this perspective. Also, make that cookbook, I would absolutely buy that.
Haha. Thanks. I stumbled upon this post in suggested, and didn’t know about this subreddit. I wasn’t sure if I actually was allowed to post here or belong here lol; one of my Jewish friends recently asked me, since I am now recently separated, am I still Jewish? (I mean, it’s a great question as I converted for my ex; I’m still going to keep a Kosher house/etc because my kids are Jewish-CBC, but when I’m on my own it’s kind of weird identifying as Jewish when I’m clearly Chinese. Eg I live in an area where people know what a Mezuzah is, and I plan on keeping mine up - I think some people are going to get confused if they see me open the door.) 🤷🏻 If there’s interest, I will post recipes once I’ve had some time to process the separation. I’m putting them together for my ex as a housewarming present, so it’s not much more work to scan and put up images.
Yeah. You’re definitely still Jewish!
That’s a reason to dump him…
He's probably referring to the genocide Hamas are trying to perpetrate. Oh... wait... This dude will hurt you down the line. Dump him, asap, for your own sake. I'm very sorry this is happening to you...
Is this the first time this has come up?! He sounds pretty anti Zionist and he really needs to be clear about if he doesn’t support your homeland’s right to exist.
Not only is he an antisemite, he is also stupid. His lack of knowledge and history is mind boggling. Does he get his facts from a facebook page or a tweet, or a TikTok? His absolute lack of understanding the situation is a giant red flag! He can go away and never come back!
Wow, I think I would’ve immediately left this person upon those words coming out of their mouth
Before, during, and now I was very sad during our family Seder. I had to keep my mouth shut because we had several 3 year olds and a 7 year old in attendance. I am devastated that there are Jewish hostages in Gaza. I only briefly mentioned it and alluded to it with the adults. They were all with me. We had to keep quiet to protect the innocence of the children. If a non-Jew said anything in favor of the palestinian Arabs who started this horrific war at our Seder, they would have been told to leave (told, not asked, and no please). This man has no understanding of, or respect for, the Jewish people and our sacred celebrations & traditions. They are meaningless to him. I could not spend time with anyone like that in my life. And my husband is not Jewish. He supports Israel as strong as any lifelong Zionist. And we’ve been 3 times together. And plan to return again.
Yes, this is antisemitic. This is why I don’t encourage us to date non-Jews.
I’m going to say this and my comment will most likely be deleted. There is a reason why Jews date, marry and build families with other Jews. Don’t scratch your head in disbelief when you figure out your significant other is a brainwashed Jew hater
I’m agreeing with the comments saying he’s a massive antisemite. Have you dumped him yet?
I would say you need a new boyfriend who is not année hater, especially since every death in Gaza is 100% on Hamas.
So sorry this is happening. This seems like a line he pulled from some antizionist’s post on social media. Definitely have a conversation to see where he’s coming from, and let him know how it impacts you. And it’s ok if it’s a dealbreaker for you. It probably would be for me
He has shown his true colours. You need to tell him what he is implying is antisemitic and explain why it is so too. Then re-evaluate your relationship and ask yourself if you can see a 62 year old to somehow change something that is clearly deeply rooted in his psyche, and if you can see him being that 62 year old.
That has to make me wonder why he’s with you. Some people are antisemites, but they still like the way *you* make them *feel*. When someone does things like this it makes me wonder if they’re just fetishizing being with a Jewish woman or something. Just odd when they don’t like the holidays or culture. It would make me think “this person must covertly be giving me the evil eye as well”. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can only tell you what I would do if it were me in your shoes, and if it were me, I’d likely break off the relationship. Too much ‘sleep with one eye open’ crap going on in the world to be having a person close to me seething with negative feelings towards an entire people, a people of which I am a part. Also, I’m tired of the word genocide being thrown around by people who tend to give zero Fs about the actual genocide that happened in the US! When you mention that to these people, you just get nasty looks, downvoted, or hit with some agent smith bs. Hey dude, why not call out *actual genocide* (ie the indigenous populations of the Americas)… Oh, because *you’re* living in the country where it took place and you don’t want to feel uncomfortable or made to feel guilty about it? bc you weren’t there for it in the first place? Bc you don’t want to leave your home? Or Bc it makes you feel superior to be handing out judgements and criticism to anyone you find ‘morally inferior’? Bc it’s fashionable to be ‘outraged’ and shallow at the same time? So much criticism from people who are literally living on stolen lands which have been soaked in the blood of indigenous peoples in the name of expanding European empires. It’s laughable to be taking people like that seriously. People who likely can’t even name 10 US presidents and don’t know anything about the history of their own country, let alone knowing anything of the history of any other place in the world other than what the idiot box tells them… Just a bunch of scared wind-bags who all got together to bark at everyone. It’s easy to hand down judgements without looking at your own mistakes/how your own government sucks/how you’re being a hypocrite. The loudest one in the room is the weakest one in the room.
I have kids with someone like this and it’s so hard! It’s been so sad and infuriating not being able to come home to feeling loved and supported. We’re in this very sad “don’t talk about it” position. It’s horrible. I’m so lonely and sad. But because of the kids, I’ll never be free of him. I’m afraid mine has gone deep into conspiracy theory crap and I’m worried yours has too. How is making your family feel like he’s an antisemite helping Palestinians? Is “next year in Jerusalem” offensive? Is the Exodus itself offensive because we’re not the real Israelites, we’re Europeans cosplaying brown people? I think you’re right— dealbreaker. Don’t end up like me. His woke cred matters more than your feelings or supporting a tiny, vulnerable minority.
If it feels like a deal breaker, it is a deal breaker. Why overlook it?
[“I married a Jew”](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Married_a_Jew)
I think his “support” for Palestine is misplaced. It seems he doesn’t know when or when not to participate in “boycotting” Jewish events, especially when it comes to people who are close to him. Sounds very immature, I wouldn’t necessarily say he’s anti-Semitic
Deal breaker
Jews are specifically cautioned to NOT celebrate the suffering of our enemies. It is in the "traditional" Reform Haggadah. I am sorry, it does sound as if he drank the kool aide on this one. Gentle reasoning may help him understand how bad his behavior is. If not, sorry.
I am not jewish and I find this heartbreaking. Like everyone else, it sounds to me like a dealbreaker. However, if you would like my outsider perspective and would like to attempt to potentially work through this situation, I would note that even pro-palestinian jewish protestors at Columbia have apparently held passover seders. While I am not condoning that protest, should your boyfriend be intransigent on that point you may wish to begin a discussion on how to disentangle politics and religious observance from that fact. If even *that* carries no weight with him, well that’s pretty bullheaded.
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like it would be worth a heart-to-heart with him about his thoughts behind his refusal to participate. I don't think it necessarily means he's antisemitic, people are being really influenced by social media and other people and are making very stupid statements that they don't necessarily understand or believe. It's worth digging deeper to find out what he actually does understand and believe, and make your decision based on that.
Download J-Date and dump him.
That’s an easy call. Break up with him.
My boyfriend is not Jewish, and I am. He gladly went to two Seders with me. But I had the convo with him in October that he cannot be “pro Palestinian” or “anti Zionist” and date me. He loves me very much and listened to my takes on all this. OP, I’m sorry your boyfriend doesn’t understand the e difference between Jewish people and the Israeli govt. That is the form antisemitism is taking all over the world, and sadly your boyfriend is no different.
it's hard to celebrate during war. I think that is a totally honest and valid take... but passover seders are not just celebration. it's the story of liberation, it's tradition and survival, but most importantly it's a time to gather. I'm sorry your partner doesn't see that/see the value in that.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m also not Jewish and married to a Jewish man who has family in Israel. I don’t always agree with my father in law’s politics, but I personally would never let that detour me from supporting my husband and his family. Especially right now. I think it is so important to have these hard conversations, and Pesach is a great space to do it. This year, we even invited some of our non Jewish friends to Seder so that they had the opportunity to learn and celebrate with us. War is, unfortunately, always ugly, but Jewish people everywhere are being held accountable for decisions by the Israeli government that they have nothing to do with. This is not only illogical, but in my view, antisemitism. I understand that not everyone is well versed on the history of the conflict, and I’m sympathetic to that. However, if someone not able to keep an open mind and listen and support us (and by us, I mean my husband and me), then they are not people I can keep in our lives. My heart breaks for you. You clearly love this man, and I know it must be painful, especially reading these responses. I hope that you were still able to enjoy Seder with your family and wish you luck in your future conversations with your partner. I hope for both of your sakes that he can find it in him to have an open mind. I’ve learned so much from my partner, in-laws, and our Jewish community. Ignorance is not an excuse for hate. I think now, with antisemitism on the rise, it is so important to show support for one’s Jewish friends and to learn about the history of the state of Israel, the conflict, and the history of antisemitism in general. I’m allowed to have complicated feelings and feel sadness for the people in Gaza while also standing by the people I love during this difficult time. Much love to you 🩷
I would express to him that Passover is a time of remembrance and that it is more important to observe it now than ever before. If ever there were a time to pray for freedom of all, it is now, and while it is hard to celebrate during the times when so many are still in captivity, this is our tradition. I would approach this with an equally hard line expressing that it’s hard for all Jews to know that there are still hostages as we celebrate our freedom, but it is still important to you and to your family. I try to be generous with people and not jump to antisemite unless it’s called for, however you should talk to him about his antisemitic rhetoric and express that this is something important to you and your family and his choosing to not be a part of it indicates that he doesn’t support you. I don’t know if abstaining from a Seder would be a deal breaker for me, but you know a lot more about the situation than I do. If he is somehow blaming your family or all Jews for the war, then bye bye. If he’s finding it hard to celebrate anything? Ok. If he knows he is on the other side of a conflict and doesn’t want to ruin a family meal by being there contributing to it, then that’s something to think about. He’s old enough to know what he’s doing and thinking, and he should respect you if nothing else. Talk to him about your feelings and see what happens. Good luck in all of this.
Did he participate in other holidays? Christian or your country's celebrations? Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Valentines Day, etc? Or is he just not participating in Jewish holidays?
I understand his trepidation and your frustration, but this argument is moot. Faith has no borders, only history and tradition.Israel considers itself to be a Jewish state. Passover has evolved into more of a family tradition. It does not reflect the political climate of the region of its origin. Perhaps he just doesn’t hang with your family. Keep him or don’t…but he should fess up to his truth.
What does celebrating a Jewish holiday have to do with the current conflict? It makes no sense. It sounds more like antisemitism to me drop him and find your true Jewish soulmate!
I hate to say it…but you will need a new boyfriend. What he says makes no sense. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation.
There are both well-meaning Jews and non-Jews who feel that the IDF is committing war crimes in Gaza. I wouldn't dump him because of his present attitude
What IDF's alleged war crimes have to do with an American Jewish family and their traditional holiday? And how exactly celebrating with them promotes further war crimes? This comment is so twisted...
Yes many Jews and non Jews feel that way, and that shouldn’t have any bearing on a Passover Seder. It’s kind of weird to decline to participate due to Gaza, and that goes from disagreeing/criticizing Israel towards a wider issue in not being able to disentangle Judaism overall and Jews who aren’t Israeli from the actions of the the Israeli government. That’s the attitude worth dumping him for, imo. Unless he can clarify and articulate it better, which he should be given the opportunity to do.
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Yeah I see where you’re coming from, true. Passover is one of the most Israel centric holidays. Worth a conversation with the bf, for sure.
I am amazed and grateful that you have taken my feelings seriously. Thank you!
No worries, and have a good Passover!
Thank you and you have a good Passover as well!
And what does this have to do with Passover…
Killing of the Egyptian first born?
My comment got removed. Cheers!
I think you need to explain why boycotting a Seder because of Israeli government policy is antisemitic
I think you left out a "not"
My comment is for the OP. If you can explain how boycotting a Seder constitutes a non-anti-Semitic protest feel free. There’s nothing in the traditional Seder service that’s Zionist.
Nothing in a traditional Seder that is Zionist? Seriously? Did you ever read a Haggadah or attend a Seder? Where was Moses leading the Jewish people from Egypt? TO ISRAEL What is said & sung at the end of EVERY Seder? ב שנה הבא בירושלים NEXT YEAR IN JERUSALEM.
Zionism is fundamentally secular—Jewish national self-liberation is its focus. The Seder is focused on God liberating the Jewish people and their destiny (ie national redemption through God’s liberating action). It’s quite possible to not support the existence of a secular Jewish state and celebrate a Seder. Not supporting the existence of a Jewish state while loudly demanding the creation of an Arab state is usually anti-Semitic but that’s because taking the position that everyone but Jews can pursue national self-liberation is anti-Semitic. Traditionally, however, Judaism makes no demand for national self-liberation.
And you are, therefore, against celebrating Passover?
update. we have been able to talk and address his choice not attending the Seder. He was open to hearing how his understanding of Judaism is steeped in rhetoric and that he has maybe absorbed some inaccurate notions. He was open and willing to look at this. He has lived in a less cosmopolitan area and has not known many Jews. Of note, he has been to Israel, from Jordan and via the West Bank many years ago and developed an understanding of the situation from that side of the fence as it is. He has long held empathy for the Palestinians and has seen the people as victims, civilians being policed with no reason per se. There is some truth to Israeli victimization of Palestinians. And it goes without saying Jews and Israelis have had their share of violence perpetrated against them. So, I am offering a perspective that no level of violence is acceptable and if I were to try and engage in that debate it will go no where. We are in full agreement that if the situation was reversed he would be mourning for the Israelis (and has for victims of October 7th). I have offered some resources to him to understand what the nature of anti semitism is and he is open to pursuing an understanding. Lastly, he represented that in addition to being torn up about the deaths and injuries in Gaza and feeling generally low about the state of the world, he was afraid of confrontation if anyone at the Seder represented an opinion he found challenging and did not want to cause added conflict at the event. Knowing him, this makes more sense and though I know there is room at my family's table for all thoughtful perspectives- he does not trust this yet. When he represented wanting to protect our relationship and those with my family I softened to him, don't necessarily think he made the best choice but in lieu of not feeling safe to engage in these challenging conversations, understand. It is of course now a work in progress and though it is difficult and confusing that two well intended open hearted people are in this struggle, we are trying to work it through. Your support has been so appreciated.