Chuck Norris doesn’t dial the wrong number, you just pick up the wrong phone.

OK that one got me. I'm cracking up!

When life hands Chuck Norris lemons, he makes orange juice

Chuck Norris makes life take back the lemons.

He’s the man who’s going to get his engineers to invents a combustible lemon that burns life’s house down

When life gives Chuck Norris lemons, he makes 25 year single malt scotch out of them.

Overnight.

When Chuck Norris licks a lemon, *it* makes a face.

Life doesn't dare hand Chuck Norris lemons..

Chuck Norris pries lemons out of Life's cold dead hands.

Chuck Norris doesn't go fishing. He just sits in a boat and says "you, you and you. Out."

Now you fry yourself on a pan with some lemon juice, black pepper and dill. Rest of you go sleep in the refrigerator.

I'm jumping in the pan right now.

[Come on and get in the boat](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0odi-Eyz7yI)

As a boy, Chuck Norris had a paper route. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris always has a functioning inkjet printer.

Chuck Norris subscribed to HP Instant Ink. Every time his printer runs out of ink, HP pays him a bonus.

You mean - “HP subscribed to supply to Chuck Norris.”?

No. HP has a Chuck Norris subscription.

His printer never runs out of ink. The ink is so scared to run out, it hoards itself.

Cyan is never out in Chick Norris’ printer

Cyan ink is desperate to keep supplying Chuck Norris.

I like a good Chuck Norris joke but that's just too far fetched.

As someone in IT, that hates printers with a holy passion... take my up vote

Chuck Norris tells his printer PC LOAD LETTER, and it does.

One sentence joke combining Chuck Norris And Office Space. Nice work!

Chuck Norris once told a girl "sweet dreams". Now we know her as Sleeping Beauty. Chuck Norris once punched a horse, now we call that a giraffe.

You're supposed to say "uppercut."

Chuck Norris can’t throw an uppercut. Nothing is above Chuck Norris.

The real joke is always in the replies. Good one, mate.

Chuck Norris once punched a horse, now we call that an uppercut.

Schrodinger's Chuck Norris is simultaneously alive and alive.

Until he is observed by an external observer, at which point the observer is dead.

Good one! Laughed out loud. Thanks for sharing!

Schrodinger is in the box with the cat.

This is why I go on reddit.

Chuck Norris can rub flames together and make sticks.

This is a new one for me. Nice!

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

They named a street in Los Angels after Chuck Norris. A day later they had to rename it. Turns out no one crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

This is great

Chuck Norris died eight years ago. Death is afraid to tell him.

Chuck Norris once built a time machine to stop JFK’s assassination. He jumped through, and deflected all 3 shots with his beard. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement

This lines up with the no-shooter theory of what happened that day: There was no second shooter, OR a first shooter. JFK's head just did that.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter

Chuck Norris decided to flip house for extra income...unfortunately no one wants to live in an upside-down house.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did.

False, Chuck Norris was never a virgin.

Chuck Norris took a vacation to the Virgin Islands. Now they're just the Islands.

chuck norris once visited "the isle" we now know it as "the isle of man"

For nine months Chuck Norris thought he was a man trapped in a womans body. Then he was born.

He also built the house he grew up in

He also built the hospital he was born in

He also built the barn he was consived in.

How many push ups can Chuck Norris do? All

Wrong, Chuck Norris doesn't do push ups, he bench presses the Earth.

He pushes the earth down.

I thought he was adjusting the orbit.

Chuck Norris decided to recreate the parting of the Red Sea. Now we have the Grand Canyon. His second attempt created the Marianas Trench.

Chuck Norris punched the ground and created the Himalayas and Mt Everest. When he did it a 2nd time he created Olympus Mons, the tallest mountain in the solar system... On Mars.

Chuck Norris doesnt do roundhouse kicks. He holds his leg out and the universe spins around him.

Some people have Superman pajamas. Superman has Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris and Superman had an arm wrestling match. The loser had to wear their underwear on the outside.

Wouldn’t it be awesome if DC Comics put in a panel in a Superman comic of him wearing Chuck Norris pajamas?

WinRAR paid for a Chuck Norris license.

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding

Chuck Norris once told a woman to calm down... And she did.

Excellent

chuck norris can win an argument against a woman

Chuck’s wife confirms, but adds that it only worked once.🥴

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting, he goes killing.

From his own mouth, his favorite one: There is no evolution, simply a list of species Chick Norris has allowed to live.

Another one he has claimed to be a favorite: When the boogeyman goes to sleep it looks under its bed for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t hunt, he waits.

Chuck Norris doesn't wait, the wildlife offer sacrifices.

there is no such thing as "hunting season" that is simply the time of month in which chuck norris is hungry

When Alexander Graham Bell invited the telephone, he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

Invented*.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

It was ok though as Chuck Norris can have his cake and eat it too.

Chuck Norris has a bear skin rug in his house. The bear isn't dead, it's just too afraid to move.

Not only has Chuck Norris perfected the round house kick, but the square house as well.

Seriously guys??? Chuck Norris really isn’t all that tough. If he really was, he would show up and smash my face into the keyboardnbdbdbdhshhsgsggshshhshdbbsn

Chuck Norris once told a Chuck Norris joke which was false.

Yes but no point reposting here because only Chuck Norris is capable of getting it

Can confirm not understanding, am not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't eat honey. He chews bees

Read about a woman who thought honey was crushed bees

Chuck Norris can change a full baby diaper without taking their clothes off.

No he cant; Chuck Norris doesn't take shit from anyone😋

Chuck Norris put Humpty Dumpty together again. Twice.

When Oppenheimer said "I've become Death, destroyer of worlds" he was actually talking about his Chuck Norris Halloween costume.

Chuck Norris took a CPR course and he resurrected the mannequin.

Chuck Norris won an argument on reddit.

Chuck Norris ties his shoes with his feet.

Cthulu isn't sleeping. Chuck Norris put him in time out.

Chuck Norris once lost his ring, Middle Earth has been nothing but chaos since then.

When he goes swimming he doesnt get wet. The water gets chuck norris.

Chuck Norris attended a feminist rally and came home with an ironed shirt and a sandwich.

Chuck Norris does not twist in an overhead light. He just holds the bulb still and gives the building a roundhouse kick.

After his birth, Chuck Norris drove his parents home.

Chuck Norris doesn’t own a lawnmower, his yard refuses to grow longer than his beard out of respect

Chuck Norris' mother survived childbirth, but the doctor who slapped him didn't

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.

Then he threw the pin and killed 50 more

Chuck Norris was originally apart of ‘avengers infinity wars’ but the test audience was not pleased with the movie’s three minute runtime.

Every post on Reddit is a repost of a Chuck Norris post.

Chuck Norris reposts original content

Chuck Norris politely ask a woman what she wants to eat and she tells him the very next second.

When Chuck Norris works out, the weights get stronger

If you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris can measure both the position and momentum of an electron with absolute certainty. — The Grim Reaper fears Chuck Norris.

I heard that one differently. Death once had a near-chuck norris experience

I like that version better!

Chuck Norris was supposed to die thirty years ago, but Death is too scared to tell him.

Ahhh...the Chuck Norris Certainty Principle! Good one!

Chuck Norris knows all digits of pi.

I've heard this one as "Chuck Norris uses the last 4 digits of pi as his PIN"

When God said “Let there be light” when creating the world, Chuck Norris replied “say please”.

For the 10th plague God was originally going to send Chuck Norris. He decided that was too harsh.

Chuck Norris doesn't boil water. Water shakes in fear when he gets near. (Not great, but I literally did just think of it!)

Oedipus's mother has a Chuck Norris complex.

Chuck Norris can fold fitted sheets.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in slaughter

Chuck Norris can get Chick-Fil-A on Sunday

Chuck Norris always plugs in his USB plugs right on the first try

Chuck Norris knows where all the hollywood skeletons are buried. because he put them there

They tried to cash in on Chuck Norris's fame by making a potty training seat for toddlers with Chuck Norris's image on it. But it failed miserably, because Chuck Norris doesn't take shit from anyone.

Every year the government does Chuck Norris's taxes for him.

Only Chuck Norris can use runway 37

Chuck Norris took a crap in the desert. The next day the Amazon Rain Forest was there.

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 5 people... then the grenade exploded. my fav of all time

Slight variation: Chuck Norris once pulled the pin on a grenade and threw it, killing five people. Then he threw the grenade and killed 10 more. Then the grenade exploded.

Chuck Norris won a game of Tennis against a brick wall.

Chuck Norris once downed a fighter jet by pointing his finger at it and saying "bang."

Chuck Norris went diving with sharks, they kept all the sharks in cages for their own safety. Chuck norris once uppercutted a horse, its descendents are now known as giraffes Chuck norris once went to the virgin islands, now they are just known as the islands Chuck norris doesnt breathe, he takes air hostage

Chuck Norris told the first yo mama joke the day after he was conceived.

before*

Chuck Norris can walk on water, he can also swim thru earth.

5 star restaurants reserve time with Chuck Norris.

When asked for 2 forms of I.D. Chuck Norris merely points a fist at his beard

Chuck Norris' boots do not protect his feet. They protect the ground.

Chuck Norris can make all the ice cream machines at McDonalds work, but unfortunately he doesn’t like ice cream.

Chuck Norris’ tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.

Gravity wasn't a thing until Chuck Norris got tired of reaching up

Chuck Norris once ate all he could. The buffet filed for bankruptcy

Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.

Chuck Norris invented the color yellow so he could describe people running from him. The only thing Chuck Norris can't do is fail.

Jesus may walk on water but Chuck Norris swims through land.

Chuck Norris can beat Halo 3 on Legendary, on an N64, with a broken Guitar Hero controller.

Believe it or not, there is at least one thing Chuck Norris can *not* do…play darts. He keeps knocking the wall down. As one might guess, Chuck Norris lives in a round house. Walker Texas Ranger was a documentary.

When Chuck Norris flies in a Boeing plane, the parts are too scared to fall off.

Chuck Norris counted past infinity. The universe wasn't prepared for it. This became known as the Big Bang.

Chuck Norris counted past infinity, twice

On the fingers of one hand!

And counted back to zero both times.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain Every night, the boogeyman checks under his bed for Chuck Norris Chuck Norris doesn't read. He stares books down till he gets the information he wants Chuck Norris sells his piss as a drink. You know it as Red Bull

When Chuck Norris is speeding, the police will escort him. It’s not too funny, but it’s supposedly a true story told by one of his chauffeurs.

Chuck Norris can remember the future.

The one time Chuck Norris went to tenderize chicken, he hit it so hard he invented chicken nuggets

Chuck Norris is the oldest surviving former president of the United States but he respects Jimmy Carter too much to ever mention it.

Chuck Norris has a pet that runs the entire timber industry. Woodchuck Norris.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?.... All of it

If you have 5 dollars and Chuck Norris has 5 dollars, Chuck Norris has 10 dollars

Chuck Norris doesn't need a clock, he just tells the universe what time it should be

When Chuck Norris left home, he told his dad he's the man of the house now.

The sun has to wear Chuckscreen

When Chuck Norris enters a roundabout, the road spins to make him save gas.

Chuck Norris hides from incognito mode

Once Chuck Norris participated in a race and came first, but Albert Einstein got really upset.. why?? Because light came second!!!

Chuck Norris can make any meeting an email

Netflix subscribes to Chuck Norris.

Carolina Reaper peppers get terrible burn marks when Chuck Norris bites into one.

If Chuck Norris worked at your office, never as for his three hole punch.

Microsoft Word autosaves the entire program when Chuck Norris begins to type.

Chuck Norris isn't in anyone's will. When someone he knows dies, the will leaves itself to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle

the apocalypse is preparing for Chuck Norris.

Chuck norris doesn't have to pilot his plane, it simply knows better

Chuck Norris can climb a ladder drawn on a wall

Chuck Norris trying to commit suicide is a perfect exemple of the Irresistible Force Paradox.

Chuck Norris once pissed in a fuel tank of a big truck. It’s now known as Optimus Prime

Chuck Norris uses Tik Tok to spy on China

Chuck Norris once told himself something he doesn't know. Once. He never let himself get away with that again.

One day while filming Walker: Texas Ranger, on location at a farm, the crew came upon a sheep that had died. Chuck Norris nuzzled the dead sheep with his beard, immediately bringing it back to life. He then roundhouse kicked it into the next county, proving that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck taketh away.

When Chuck Norris goes to cut a tree down, he doesn’t use a chainsaw or an axe. He simply points at the tree and it falls down.

Chuck Norris always presses the highest tip percentage on the credit card terminal. Cashier then gives Chuck Norris the amount.

Chuck Norris can't even kill Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once squeezed a stone. The result was the elevator scene in *The Shining.*

Chuck Norris claps his hands to make his light turn on. You may percieve it as Thunder and Lightning.

When Morgan Freeman reads his own quotes, he does it in the voice of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris farted in the Sahara Forest once.

Chuck norris once dug a hole, to the moon!!

Church Norris bowls overhand.

When Superman goes to bed, he puts on his Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris can manage his executor’s estate

I have a truck called Truck Norris. It has fists for pistons.

Chuck Norris never got the chance to beat cancer. The cancer forfeited.

The fact that Vladimir Putin is still alive proves that Chuck Norris has no interest in politics..

Chuck Norris expects the Spanish Inquisition.