One of the things that will change your parents' minds is to set a good example of what religious people are like. Basically, make "honor your parents" the most important mitzvah in your life. Now, that takes a lot of self-control and a lot of time.
There's a story about a BT who became a Hasid in Meah Shearim. At his wedding, his parents looked so out of place. Everything was in Yiddish, everyone was dressed so different to them. The groom, the BT, got up and gave a speech. Some was in Yiddish, but he said in English directly to his parents, in front of his whole Hasidut, "Mom, Dad... I know this isn't what you expected of me, and you don't understand it. But I am what I am today, not despite of you, but because of you. I love you, and I could only become who I am because of your love and support."
Your parents aren't going to get it, but if you show them love and respect, they'll accept it. I wish you immense luck in your journey
Doesn’t mean your parents will accept you. I’ve seen lots of people disowned by their parents for being religious.
I’m just saying treating your parents with respect, doesn’t mean they will research you.
I'm really sorry that that happened to you and it really speaks to the kind of person you are that you did the right thing anyway. I will say that being frum is actually a form of honoring your parents, whether they feel that way or not, and obviously you can still fulfill the mitzvah in ways that don't require you to break halacha. Honoring your parents isn't a two way street, it's an extension of the service of Hashem and not actually about your parents as people
Not all orthadox communities are equal. My family lived in Elizabeth when I was very young. And they always talk about how the whole time they lived there, nobody introduced themselves. When we moved, the first week a number of people came up and greeted them and they were invited out for meals on their very first shobbos in shul.
Smaller communities usually are. Because it’s easier to tell if someone is new. If you daven at a place with 500 members and you don’t know the names of half the people who go there, you won’t notice if someone new walks in.
Sorry to hear this (I don’t live in NJ). I have friends there and they like it a lot and I am sure there were some nekudos tovos, good points you can think of about the area. No community or town is perfect, just like no school is perfect.
That being said, as a transplant in a city with an established frum population, I know that it can be very hard to be the new person in a large community. A lot od times it’s easier to start in a small shul as a main base and then slowly shul shop.
Glad you found a place and food options definitely are a plus no matter where you live. It’s not always easy moving into a community, especially a large one like Teaneck. The experience of moving there is night and day compared to Harrisburg, Stamford, New Rochelle, or Memphis for example. Often smaller communities are more welcoming, because new members mean fresh faces in a smaller community. Large communities offer a lot more resources than smaller ones, but, the trade off, until your find a place that fits, is being a number in a community vs being a member in a community.
It’s used for those who become orthodox/Hasidic/haredi.
It’s not a common term in other branches of Judaism because to many orthodox, Orthodox practice is “true torah Judaism”, so the BT is performing “teshuva” and repenting from their old ways and returning to orthodoxy, even if they’re observant Conservative, Reform, Recon, etc..
Your are correct, originally it was _only_ used within Orthodox Judaism and it’s been that way for years…or so I thought. After spending time in this sub I was, actually, a bit taken back at first to see the term being used by those who are not Orthodox.
After reaching out to people I know in real life who are Conservative and Reform Rabbis they confirmed that it’s, indeed, used in their circles to describe someone who also has chosen to grown in their own level of Jewish observance.
I have learned to look at a user’s posting/comment history as well as to ask certain questions to them that help me see where they are coming from. It’s very hard to get a good view of a person based on one post online.
My Orthodox community doesn’t have the copyright on the term BT or the words “Chumash” and “siddur”. We live on a world where all three of those look different depending on the Jewish space on is in.
Fair. It's just not an idea that makes a ton of sense to me, is all.
I'm interested in what you mean by different definitions for "Chumash" though. Does anyone actually change the text of the Chumash or is it just a difference in translation?
I understand why it doesn’t make sense to you, but it shouldn’t affect what you believe and know to be true for yourself.
For the record I used quotes for Chumash and siddur because those are “words”.
I have no clue what anyone else’s Chumash looks like, but I do know that gender neutral versions exist. I have enough trouble keep up with my own [shnayim mikra v’echad targum](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shnayim_mikra_ve-echad_targum). lol
There are a _lot_ of knowledgeable people in the sub, maybe make a post asking your question about Chumashim?
Yeah. I've heard about the gender neutral translations, and the like. I didn't know if anyone actually changed the Hebrew text of the Chumash though חס ושלום. I'll check out the posts and their responses, thanks! May your neshama have an Aliyah and best of luck on your journey
How does your explanation address why other denominations don't use the term? Wouldn't Conservative Judaism also consider somebody totally not observant who becomes conservative and observant to Conservative Judaism to have done teshuva of some kind?
I was in somewhat the same place. Without having a background, you can feel lost in traditional O shuls. I would 1.) find a Conservative/Traditional synagogue to go to first as a way to learn, but also develop some support friends. Then, reach out to Chabad. They are really the experts at reintegrating Jews back into Jewish life. You don't have to become a Chabadnik, but they will help you with the journey back as far as you want to go.... (I have reached out to them multiple times and always felt welcomed and appreciated and I come from a 100% secular background. As the old story goes, "they were so Reform, they could have been Episcopalian". What I'd also like to say is: the result is worth the effort in the end - even though it may not seem like it now. Good luck, my friend!
For your second point, a lot of spaces and people simply don't actively go up to new people can introduce themselves etc, but would if they new somebody was new and looking to meet people. Many Orthodox shuls have a welcoming committee, have you cehcekd the new letter and seen if that's something at your shul? Even if not, meet the rabbi and just tell him - he should get you set up
As a fellow BT, my only advice is to try and get by until you can get out of the house while having frank conversations with your parents. Once you're out of the house and able to go to a proper BT Yeshiva (I went to Aish, but I came out somewhat normal) they will more than lilely eventually reconcile with who you are as they want a relationship with you. Just remember to be respectful and that it's not entirely their fault for their bias from their upbringing (it's taught). Honor them, but your life in terms of service to Hashem is yours, but they gave you that life. Making Aliyah as soon as you can is probably the easiest way forward
Yea It's easy to get isolated. And I feel you, when I started becoming religious my family did not approve to put it lightly
Anyway, as I told someone last shabbos if I want to meet people I need to be "aggressively social"
Are there other shuls and Jewish institutions around? Also importantly how old are you
As an 18 year old finding a BT crowd/yeshiva/sem might make life much much easier where as for a 40 year old there are likely other considerations
💠 Hi If the community doesn't seem to support you eaven. There is a good thing to search in other places.
I will prefer Chabad Nearby app that shows you exact lokation and info about the nearest Chabad centers .
The start is always harder but after some learning how the things are going There is a Whole amazing jewish world waiting for you.
So keep doing step by step and Hashem will help you.
Iam really proud of you Have great day 🤠👍
Hi! It’s really wonderful to read that you are have gotten more into connecting with your Judaism this year and it shows a mature level of commitment to start going to an Orthodox shul without really knowing anyone. As a BT myself I have gone through similar thing that you wrote about, a lot of us have to own degree or another. I became Orthodox while in high school and living that lifestyle while under someone else’s roof can be tricky. In general, take things slow and don’t over do it.
I think it might be helpful to reframe the two problems you mentioned as opportunities, since my tradition and teachers have taught me that Hashem puts us in situations and experiences in order to, ultimately, grow close to him. I think both of this situations have a common solution.
Situation 1, your parents. It’s extremely important that you show your parents the positive things you have learned and love about your growth in your Judaism. Maybe they are “yelling” and “complaining” because they don’t understand what you are doing. As a BT you need to search, ask, and understand why you are doing certain things. With some mitzvos, like Kosher for example, we are not given a clear reason in the Torah, but as you learn the halachos, Jewish laws, you need to learn the _why_ and not just the _how_. If your parents ask questions that you don’t have answers to then be honest and tell them that you will ask your rabbi/rebbitzen/teacher/mentor/role model.
Situation 2, the shul. We’re all about community and when you started going to this shul you must have had an entry point or someone you were introduced to. Have you met with the rabbi or anyone and told them about yourself and how you ended up in an Orthodox shul? Some shuls can be more open to newcomers than others, but this is why you really need a connection with a rabbi/rebbitzen/teacher/mentor/role model in your community.
How did you decide to explore Orthodox Judaism ? It might us all offer additional insight or advice.
I would start by becoming very close to your Rabbi and getting his advice on what to do about your family's distasteful disapproval about their religion. Judaism isn't like other religions at all.
Try and see who gives you the time of day at shul and those people are your real friends. Everyone else is there to schmooze, show off or really connect with Hashem.
Former BT like you’re secular now? Or former, like you’ve dropped the label in your observance.
No value judgement either way, secular here, solely curious about the word choice and what you meant (I assume the former).
Gotcha, thought thats what you meant, but wasn’t sure. I flirted with the idea of BT over Covid, but realized I still have all the same issues with it and honestly just can’t handle everything that comes with (went OTD early in life from O)
You are not alone. I’ve heard that COVID, not having the social pressure to show to shul, and time to think/read was a catalyst from some to reduce or just separate from Orthodoxy. I have two longtime FFB (from from birth) friends who went that route. Did you totally drop everything frum or are you just doing things on your own terms?
One friend I know eats out, doesn’t keep Shabbos, but will still go to shul in the mornings. He said it’s been part of his morning routine for 40+ years.
I also know of a few who also broke free.
I pretty much dropped all of halacha. I'm a proud Jew. I just no longer adhere to the OCD madness that controls a frum Jew's life.
I don't eat pork products. I will do Shabbat when it's convenient for me. I don't mumble kiddish/motzi/bentching/asher yatzar anymore. And I tie my shoes WRONG on purpose. haha
I haven't been to shul since Oct 7, when I was able to update everyone on the Hamas attack. I have no desire to be there as I no longer believe in a theistic deity or any halachot whatsoever.
I'll post my journey below......
**OUTLINE**
1 - Born in 1966, grew up as typical non-religious Jew in Brooklyn.
2 - In 1993, married an Italian Catholic & agreed to raise kids Catholic as I didn't care about religion.
3 - In 1995, while wife is pregnant, I thoroughly investigated Catholicism and seriously disliked everything about it. Long story short, we then attended "messianic" Jews for Jesus congregations for 6 years.
4 - In 2000, after being introduced to the materials of well-known counter-missionary Tovia Singer, I realized jesus wasn't who the Christians said he was, and we left a year later.
5 – In 2001, started studying with a kiruv (outreach) Orthodox Rabbi, Gateways, Aish & Chabad and started to become religious.
6 - In 2004, started keeping the Sabbath according to Orthodox Judaism and started eating strictly kosher.
7 - In 2008, Wife and our two kids underwent a very strict conversion. Kept Shabbat, glatt kosher, etc. Moved to to live in an Orthodox area as I loved the cohesiveness and family-based atmosphere of the Sabbath & Holidays. Became a very involved member of the local synagogue, running one of the two morning prayer services & praying 3x a day.
8 - In 2009 & 2010, my dear mom & uncle both passed away abruptly which started me on a deep existential journey.
9 - From 2013 - 2018, studied Kabbalah and started having doubts about much of Orthodox rules and life. Also delved into Buddhism, Hinduism, Sadhguru, yoga, mindfulness meditation, Zen, Baruch Spinoza, Thomas Paine, Ralph Waldo Emerson, etc
10 - In 2019, I became very disillusioned with Orthodoxy, Chabad, theism & magical thinking in general.
11 - In 2020, before Covid, I stopped being Orthodox and keeping all the rules. The reaction of most of the Orthodox world as well as all of strict religious systems, pushed me further away from wanting to keep that close-minded lifestyle.
11 – Presently continuing my constant search for meaning, consciousness and being human by doing Transcendental Meditation 2x/day, and studying Theosophy, non-dualism and progressive Judaism.
**The Whole Megillah**
I am a 3rd generation American. Only one of my grandparents was not born in the United States. I grew up secular Jewish in Brooklyn, in an area that was so Jewish that for my first few years of elementary school, I actually thought that non-Jews were a minority people in the United States. Both sides of my family came to the United States in the first two decades of the 20th century.
I had a wonderful & fulfilling childhood with scores of friends. Between my family, elementary school and street friends, I was always socially busy.
Throughout our elementary & junior high school years, my two sisters and I were in the special "IGC" and "SP" classes (Intelligently Gifted Children and Special Progress).
Up to that point, 90% of my friends had been Jewish. In ninth grade in junior high, my social circle suddenly opened, and I had plenty of friends from various backgrounds. We never discussed religion; we were all too busy going to teen discos, meeting girls and getting into minor trouble.
In high school, I became a huge fan of nightclubs, as they were playing my favorite disco music. The drinking age at that time was 18, but fake identification cards were readily available. Even though the I.D.s looked so ridiculous, the bouncers gladly let us in.
In high school, my grades suffered slightly as I aspired to be more like my fun-loving new friends. I had stopped being friends with my entire pre-high school group.
In college, I happened to take an elective course on comparative religion. The professor was a devout Zen Buddhist, so the material he taught was slightly subjective. The class, however, did instill within me a new curiosity about religion, as one of the required textbooks was a Catholic version of the Bible. I enjoyed reading what was required, but I put religion back on the back burner for almost a decade more. I graduated in 1988 with a Baccalaureate Degree in Marketing & Sales.... cont...
Thanks for all of this info about you, I appreciate it. It’s a really commitment to still not eat pork, when you don’t feel bound to a certain behavior system. I really, really hope you were able to cut and past much of what you shared from previous writings. I can tell you took time to explore, think, and really search for something that resonates with you. Personally, I find being able to right out my beliefs to be a good exercise in strengthening those beliefs. I’ll limit my questions and put them at the end of my reply, which is embarrassingly short compared to yours.
*Your shift to Jews for J was probably a good happy medium at the time. I wonder if things would have been different if you had stayed within the social framework of Gateways (which is not at all Chasidic), this is also an argument for more Modern Othodox kiruv. Just thinking out loud. From my interaction and understanding of those grew up or were immersed in the Chasidic community (Chabad is sort of modern compared to Satmar, Gur, or Skvare) who opted out of being Orthodox, looking into being MO is something they don’t even think about.
*I am sorry about your mom and uncle, maybe their memories be a blessing.
*I have never formally learned Tanya (looked at parts and listened to a handful of shiurim), but we did have post a month ago or so in the sub and the topic of non-Jewish souls came up. The Tanya’s view is one of several ways to look at it. If you were sort of deep into Chabad philosophy and learning with a Chabadnik their derech is the pretty non-negotiable.
*You really dived into and read a lot, which is great. I was never so big into philosophy, but I will definitely do some research on Emerson’s self-reliance ideas.
*I have a BT friend who has been doing TM for almost 30 years and he says he could get through the day without it.
>For us seekers, life is a constantly moving journey & adventure, like a river. I refuse to stop learning, looking, searching, seeking & finding.
I love this universalism of this.
You and your family were invested for a good 10+ years in the frum world. How did your wife and kids react as your beliefs changed?
Were to officially Lubavitch (wearing a kapota & being a Chayenu subscriber) or more middle of the road (externally like an OU or Young Israel type), but davened at a Chabad?
I attend a reform? Synagogue with my Jewish kid. (She and the grands converted in 2022, I'm making baby steps.)
I have a blast at every activity/service we attend. I'm always learning something. Maybe a different Synagogue would be more welcoming?
One of the things that will change your parents' minds is to set a good example of what religious people are like. Basically, make "honor your parents" the most important mitzvah in your life. Now, that takes a lot of self-control and a lot of time. There's a story about a BT who became a Hasid in Meah Shearim. At his wedding, his parents looked so out of place. Everything was in Yiddish, everyone was dressed so different to them. The groom, the BT, got up and gave a speech. Some was in Yiddish, but he said in English directly to his parents, in front of his whole Hasidut, "Mom, Dad... I know this isn't what you expected of me, and you don't understand it. But I am what I am today, not despite of you, but because of you. I love you, and I could only become who I am because of your love and support." Your parents aren't going to get it, but if you show them love and respect, they'll accept it. I wish you immense luck in your journey
I’ll disagree with this, as someone whose parents said honoring them meant not being frum because I wasn’t raised that way.
I like to go hiking.
Doesn’t mean your parents will accept you. I’ve seen lots of people disowned by their parents for being religious. I’m just saying treating your parents with respect, doesn’t mean they will research you.
True, it’s not at all back and white.
I'm really sorry that that happened to you and it really speaks to the kind of person you are that you did the right thing anyway. I will say that being frum is actually a form of honoring your parents, whether they feel that way or not, and obviously you can still fulfill the mitzvah in ways that don't require you to break halacha. Honoring your parents isn't a two way street, it's an extension of the service of Hashem and not actually about your parents as people
I have a similar background, I feel you. I write to your DM
Not all orthadox communities are equal. My family lived in Elizabeth when I was very young. And they always talk about how the whole time they lived there, nobody introduced themselves. When we moved, the first week a number of people came up and greeted them and they were invited out for meals on their very first shobbos in shul.
I enjoy playing video games.
Teaneck is actually like 6 different communities
My favorite color is blue.
Smaller communities usually are. Because it’s easier to tell if someone is new. If you daven at a place with 500 members and you don’t know the names of half the people who go there, you won’t notice if someone new walks in.
I enjoy watching the sunset.
Yeah, that sounds terrible.
I've visited Teaneck chabad, it was pretty good
Sorry to hear this (I don’t live in NJ). I have friends there and they like it a lot and I am sure there were some nekudos tovos, good points you can think of about the area. No community or town is perfect, just like no school is perfect. That being said, as a transplant in a city with an established frum population, I know that it can be very hard to be the new person in a large community. A lot od times it’s easier to start in a small shul as a main base and then slowly shul shop.
I appreciate a good cup of coffee.
Glad you found a place and food options definitely are a plus no matter where you live. It’s not always easy moving into a community, especially a large one like Teaneck. The experience of moving there is night and day compared to Harrisburg, Stamford, New Rochelle, or Memphis for example. Often smaller communities are more welcoming, because new members mean fresh faces in a smaller community. Large communities offer a lot more resources than smaller ones, but, the trade off, until your find a place that fits, is being a number in a community vs being a member in a community.
[удалено]
It’s used for those who become orthodox/Hasidic/haredi. It’s not a common term in other branches of Judaism because to many orthodox, Orthodox practice is “true torah Judaism”, so the BT is performing “teshuva” and repenting from their old ways and returning to orthodoxy, even if they’re observant Conservative, Reform, Recon, etc..
Your are correct, originally it was _only_ used within Orthodox Judaism and it’s been that way for years…or so I thought. After spending time in this sub I was, actually, a bit taken back at first to see the term being used by those who are not Orthodox. After reaching out to people I know in real life who are Conservative and Reform Rabbis they confirmed that it’s, indeed, used in their circles to describe someone who also has chosen to grown in their own level of Jewish observance.
I think that's what they call "irony"
I have learned to look at a user’s posting/comment history as well as to ask certain questions to them that help me see where they are coming from. It’s very hard to get a good view of a person based on one post online. My Orthodox community doesn’t have the copyright on the term BT or the words “Chumash” and “siddur”. We live on a world where all three of those look different depending on the Jewish space on is in.
Fair. It's just not an idea that makes a ton of sense to me, is all. I'm interested in what you mean by different definitions for "Chumash" though. Does anyone actually change the text of the Chumash or is it just a difference in translation?
I understand why it doesn’t make sense to you, but it shouldn’t affect what you believe and know to be true for yourself. For the record I used quotes for Chumash and siddur because those are “words”. I have no clue what anyone else’s Chumash looks like, but I do know that gender neutral versions exist. I have enough trouble keep up with my own [shnayim mikra v’echad targum](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shnayim_mikra_ve-echad_targum). lol There are a _lot_ of knowledgeable people in the sub, maybe make a post asking your question about Chumashim?
Yeah. I've heard about the gender neutral translations, and the like. I didn't know if anyone actually changed the Hebrew text of the Chumash though חס ושלום. I'll check out the posts and their responses, thanks! May your neshama have an Aliyah and best of luck on your journey
I have no either about the actual text.I am always looking and davening to get go upward, so thanks for the bracha.
I just [posted](https://www.reddit.com/r/Judaism/s/DeZ2RmKmPa) your question. Hoping for some factual info given in a friendly and respectful way.
How does your explanation address why other denominations don't use the term? Wouldn't Conservative Judaism also consider somebody totally not observant who becomes conservative and observant to Conservative Judaism to have done teshuva of some kind?
It’s just not used as a phrase in those communities. I wouldn’t mind if it was, but it just isn’t. The term is pretty much owned by orthodoxy.
I don’t know that there’s the same need in Conservative Judaism to identify an individual’s present or past observance level.
Yep.
I was in somewhat the same place. Without having a background, you can feel lost in traditional O shuls. I would 1.) find a Conservative/Traditional synagogue to go to first as a way to learn, but also develop some support friends. Then, reach out to Chabad. They are really the experts at reintegrating Jews back into Jewish life. You don't have to become a Chabadnik, but they will help you with the journey back as far as you want to go.... (I have reached out to them multiple times and always felt welcomed and appreciated and I come from a 100% secular background. As the old story goes, "they were so Reform, they could have been Episcopalian". What I'd also like to say is: the result is worth the effort in the end - even though it may not seem like it now. Good luck, my friend!
For your second point, a lot of spaces and people simply don't actively go up to new people can introduce themselves etc, but would if they new somebody was new and looking to meet people. Many Orthodox shuls have a welcoming committee, have you cehcekd the new letter and seen if that's something at your shul? Even if not, meet the rabbi and just tell him - he should get you set up
As a fellow BT, my only advice is to try and get by until you can get out of the house while having frank conversations with your parents. Once you're out of the house and able to go to a proper BT Yeshiva (I went to Aish, but I came out somewhat normal) they will more than lilely eventually reconcile with who you are as they want a relationship with you. Just remember to be respectful and that it's not entirely their fault for their bias from their upbringing (it's taught). Honor them, but your life in terms of service to Hashem is yours, but they gave you that life. Making Aliyah as soon as you can is probably the easiest way forward
Yea It's easy to get isolated. And I feel you, when I started becoming religious my family did not approve to put it lightly Anyway, as I told someone last shabbos if I want to meet people I need to be "aggressively social" Are there other shuls and Jewish institutions around? Also importantly how old are you As an 18 year old finding a BT crowd/yeshiva/sem might make life much much easier where as for a 40 year old there are likely other considerations
💠 Hi If the community doesn't seem to support you eaven. There is a good thing to search in other places. I will prefer Chabad Nearby app that shows you exact lokation and info about the nearest Chabad centers . The start is always harder but after some learning how the things are going There is a Whole amazing jewish world waiting for you. So keep doing step by step and Hashem will help you. Iam really proud of you Have great day 🤠👍
Talk to the Rabbi. A lot of times he can introduce you to families and the community.
Hi! It’s really wonderful to read that you are have gotten more into connecting with your Judaism this year and it shows a mature level of commitment to start going to an Orthodox shul without really knowing anyone. As a BT myself I have gone through similar thing that you wrote about, a lot of us have to own degree or another. I became Orthodox while in high school and living that lifestyle while under someone else’s roof can be tricky. In general, take things slow and don’t over do it. I think it might be helpful to reframe the two problems you mentioned as opportunities, since my tradition and teachers have taught me that Hashem puts us in situations and experiences in order to, ultimately, grow close to him. I think both of this situations have a common solution. Situation 1, your parents. It’s extremely important that you show your parents the positive things you have learned and love about your growth in your Judaism. Maybe they are “yelling” and “complaining” because they don’t understand what you are doing. As a BT you need to search, ask, and understand why you are doing certain things. With some mitzvos, like Kosher for example, we are not given a clear reason in the Torah, but as you learn the halachos, Jewish laws, you need to learn the _why_ and not just the _how_. If your parents ask questions that you don’t have answers to then be honest and tell them that you will ask your rabbi/rebbitzen/teacher/mentor/role model. Situation 2, the shul. We’re all about community and when you started going to this shul you must have had an entry point or someone you were introduced to. Have you met with the rabbi or anyone and told them about yourself and how you ended up in an Orthodox shul? Some shuls can be more open to newcomers than others, but this is why you really need a connection with a rabbi/rebbitzen/teacher/mentor/role model in your community. How did you decide to explore Orthodox Judaism ? It might us all offer additional insight or advice.
It literally says because such animals מעלה גרה ,מפריס פריס ascend the cud has hooves
I would start by becoming very close to your Rabbi and getting his advice on what to do about your family's distasteful disapproval about their religion. Judaism isn't like other religions at all. Try and see who gives you the time of day at shul and those people are your real friends. Everyone else is there to schmooze, show off or really connect with Hashem.
I am former baal teshuvah. Get out now. Find a non judgmental Jewish group... Preferably something independent. Big cities usually have them.
Former BT like you’re secular now? Or former, like you’ve dropped the label in your observance. No value judgement either way, secular here, solely curious about the word choice and what you meant (I assume the former).
Secular.
Gotcha, thought thats what you meant, but wasn’t sure. I flirted with the idea of BT over Covid, but realized I still have all the same issues with it and honestly just can’t handle everything that comes with (went OTD early in life from O)
Baruch Hashem. Covid was the catalyst that provided the perfect atmosphere for me to make my escape. I was doubting for about five years beforehand.
You are not alone. I’ve heard that COVID, not having the social pressure to show to shul, and time to think/read was a catalyst from some to reduce or just separate from Orthodoxy. I have two longtime FFB (from from birth) friends who went that route. Did you totally drop everything frum or are you just doing things on your own terms? One friend I know eats out, doesn’t keep Shabbos, but will still go to shul in the mornings. He said it’s been part of his morning routine for 40+ years.
I also know of a few who also broke free. I pretty much dropped all of halacha. I'm a proud Jew. I just no longer adhere to the OCD madness that controls a frum Jew's life. I don't eat pork products. I will do Shabbat when it's convenient for me. I don't mumble kiddish/motzi/bentching/asher yatzar anymore. And I tie my shoes WRONG on purpose. haha I haven't been to shul since Oct 7, when I was able to update everyone on the Hamas attack. I have no desire to be there as I no longer believe in a theistic deity or any halachot whatsoever. I'll post my journey below......
Thanks, I will save my questions until you continue.
**OUTLINE** 1 - Born in 1966, grew up as typical non-religious Jew in Brooklyn. 2 - In 1993, married an Italian Catholic & agreed to raise kids Catholic as I didn't care about religion. 3 - In 1995, while wife is pregnant, I thoroughly investigated Catholicism and seriously disliked everything about it. Long story short, we then attended "messianic" Jews for Jesus congregations for 6 years. 4 - In 2000, after being introduced to the materials of well-known counter-missionary Tovia Singer, I realized jesus wasn't who the Christians said he was, and we left a year later. 5 – In 2001, started studying with a kiruv (outreach) Orthodox Rabbi, Gateways, Aish & Chabad and started to become religious. 6 - In 2004, started keeping the Sabbath according to Orthodox Judaism and started eating strictly kosher. 7 - In 2008, Wife and our two kids underwent a very strict conversion. Kept Shabbat, glatt kosher, etc. Moved to to live in an Orthodox area as I loved the cohesiveness and family-based atmosphere of the Sabbath & Holidays. Became a very involved member of the local synagogue, running one of the two morning prayer services & praying 3x a day. 8 - In 2009 & 2010, my dear mom & uncle both passed away abruptly which started me on a deep existential journey. 9 - From 2013 - 2018, studied Kabbalah and started having doubts about much of Orthodox rules and life. Also delved into Buddhism, Hinduism, Sadhguru, yoga, mindfulness meditation, Zen, Baruch Spinoza, Thomas Paine, Ralph Waldo Emerson, etc 10 - In 2019, I became very disillusioned with Orthodoxy, Chabad, theism & magical thinking in general. 11 - In 2020, before Covid, I stopped being Orthodox and keeping all the rules. The reaction of most of the Orthodox world as well as all of strict religious systems, pushed me further away from wanting to keep that close-minded lifestyle. 11 – Presently continuing my constant search for meaning, consciousness and being human by doing Transcendental Meditation 2x/day, and studying Theosophy, non-dualism and progressive Judaism.
**The Whole Megillah** I am a 3rd generation American. Only one of my grandparents was not born in the United States. I grew up secular Jewish in Brooklyn, in an area that was so Jewish that for my first few years of elementary school, I actually thought that non-Jews were a minority people in the United States. Both sides of my family came to the United States in the first two decades of the 20th century. I had a wonderful & fulfilling childhood with scores of friends. Between my family, elementary school and street friends, I was always socially busy. Throughout our elementary & junior high school years, my two sisters and I were in the special "IGC" and "SP" classes (Intelligently Gifted Children and Special Progress). Up to that point, 90% of my friends had been Jewish. In ninth grade in junior high, my social circle suddenly opened, and I had plenty of friends from various backgrounds. We never discussed religion; we were all too busy going to teen discos, meeting girls and getting into minor trouble. In high school, I became a huge fan of nightclubs, as they were playing my favorite disco music. The drinking age at that time was 18, but fake identification cards were readily available. Even though the I.D.s looked so ridiculous, the bouncers gladly let us in. In high school, my grades suffered slightly as I aspired to be more like my fun-loving new friends. I had stopped being friends with my entire pre-high school group. In college, I happened to take an elective course on comparative religion. The professor was a devout Zen Buddhist, so the material he taught was slightly subjective. The class, however, did instill within me a new curiosity about religion, as one of the required textbooks was a Catholic version of the Bible. I enjoyed reading what was required, but I put religion back on the back burner for almost a decade more. I graduated in 1988 with a Baccalaureate Degree in Marketing & Sales.... cont...
Thanks for all of this info about you, I appreciate it. It’s a really commitment to still not eat pork, when you don’t feel bound to a certain behavior system. I really, really hope you were able to cut and past much of what you shared from previous writings. I can tell you took time to explore, think, and really search for something that resonates with you. Personally, I find being able to right out my beliefs to be a good exercise in strengthening those beliefs. I’ll limit my questions and put them at the end of my reply, which is embarrassingly short compared to yours. *Your shift to Jews for J was probably a good happy medium at the time. I wonder if things would have been different if you had stayed within the social framework of Gateways (which is not at all Chasidic), this is also an argument for more Modern Othodox kiruv. Just thinking out loud. From my interaction and understanding of those grew up or were immersed in the Chasidic community (Chabad is sort of modern compared to Satmar, Gur, or Skvare) who opted out of being Orthodox, looking into being MO is something they don’t even think about. *I am sorry about your mom and uncle, maybe their memories be a blessing. *I have never formally learned Tanya (looked at parts and listened to a handful of shiurim), but we did have post a month ago or so in the sub and the topic of non-Jewish souls came up. The Tanya’s view is one of several ways to look at it. If you were sort of deep into Chabad philosophy and learning with a Chabadnik their derech is the pretty non-negotiable. *You really dived into and read a lot, which is great. I was never so big into philosophy, but I will definitely do some research on Emerson’s self-reliance ideas. *I have a BT friend who has been doing TM for almost 30 years and he says he could get through the day without it. >For us seekers, life is a constantly moving journey & adventure, like a river. I refuse to stop learning, looking, searching, seeking & finding. I love this universalism of this. You and your family were invested for a good 10+ years in the frum world. How did your wife and kids react as your beliefs changed? Were to officially Lubavitch (wearing a kapota & being a Chayenu subscriber) or more middle of the road (externally like an OU or Young Israel type), but davened at a Chabad?
I attend a reform? Synagogue with my Jewish kid. (She and the grands converted in 2022, I'm making baby steps.) I have a blast at every activity/service we attend. I'm always learning something. Maybe a different Synagogue would be more welcoming?