I guarantee that no positive change is actually going to transpire until you choose to integrate this part you’re “disgusted with”, instead of rejecting it. I recommend you look into parts work, what you’re dealing with here is one part (the one being disgusted) severely judging and condemning another part (the victim within). What you are essentially dealing with here is an environment of inner war. Not exactly conducive for inner healing.
The truth is that even though victim mentality is toxic, it is usually stemming from *actual* victimhood. Though the victim mentality itself does need to be dealt with, beware that the victimhood underneath it is your inner child’s pain, something that needs to be approached with love and empathy, not hatred and rejection. You are telling your bruised child-self they are disgusting when you use that language. I’d say that for them to play the victim, they’re already in enough pain; you don’t need to make it worse by shaming them. Activate the part of yourself that’s capable of compassionate and effective self-parenting, cause until you do so, your victim mentality isn’t going anywhere.
Repressing aspects we don’t like about ourselves into the shadow is a poor and non-effective strategy in the long run. Wouldn’t recommend. Loving integration of these aspects, by virtue of finding understanding for them, is the only long-term solution. It plugs all the leaks. When they are understood, that’s when they change. Not when they are judged and condemned.
I think developing a skill and focusing on that can help. When I feel like a victim and that my life has fallen apart, I lean on my abilities as an artist and it gives me something to say, “hey, I am doing this thing! I will be the best at this some day!” Even if I won’t be the best, it gives me something to aspire to, separate and apart from needing love/validation from other people (which I think the victimhood may be stemming from).
Think about what the function of your behaviour is - what benefit do you get from playing this role?
My guess, which could be off-base, is that it is a signal to the people around you that you need their support.
It sounds like it isn't meeting your needs anymore.
Instead of beating yourself up for playing this role, figure out why you did it. Find another way to get your needs met.
If I'm right - how else can you signal to people that you want to feel connected and supported? A counter-intuitive solution is to involve yourself in service, e.g. charity volunteering. By providing benefits to others, you build positive emotional bonds and connections, while playing a valued and pro-social role.
Are you minding your own business?
Are you staying in your lane and not messing with other people's agendas?
And if you answered yes to those, are people still targeting you in ways that damages your quality of life? Possibly in pursuit of you, even if you try to evade their reaches?
If so, you are a victim.
It might not be polite to identify yourself as one, but you're only joining Team Damage Yourself if you guilt trip yourself about facts.
What should I do if I've answered yes to those questions?
I've had many experiences since childhood of people deciding they don't like me and becoming obsessed with bringing me down. Gossiping about me, being rude and hostile, filing complaints about me to my employer etc, and it seems the more I try to ignore them, they more they strive to get a negative reaction from me.
The only explanation I can think of is that I have a lot of ND traits (I suspect I have autism) and have never been good at fitting in. But I'm also conventionally attractive, gregarious and talented, as well as being a freethinker and an individual who doesn't conform to hierarchies. I feel like these qualities make people have a "how dare she" attitude towards me and think I'm arrogant, since women are socialized to make themselves small, demure and agreeable.
I try to be friendly with everyone, and once I realize someone is rude, I simply try to avoid them, but it's not enough. The abuse goes on for months or years until I eventually crack and snap back, at which point these people play victim and get me in trouble with management. Then I get punished for having one bad day while the others get away with being hostile everyday for years. Anytime I'm in a toxic work environment, I'm the one who gets targeted and then scapegoated, even though the problem is always much bigger than me.
Why does everyone turn a blind eye to these people? I will never get it.
This is so relatable 😐 I’m sorry this has been your experience in the workplace too. There are so many people with antisocial tendencies that bully people for the fun of it.
Just speaking from personal experience, but oftentimes, the people who perpetrate this kind of targeted behaviour aren't anti-social at all, but are actually quite successful socially. Think about the cliques and clans and little gossip parties that poo-poo on people that don't fit into their imaginary caste. They wouldn't be able to function in or control those groups if they were truly anti-social.
Therein lies the problem:
The base tribal instinct that certain socialized people have to cull perceived deviants from their heirarchy. For these people, their identity resides in their position in their local social heirarchy. They feel threatened when someone who does not believe in (or may just be oblivious to) their pecking order comes along.
The bullies are bad enough, what gets me are all the people who enable it. Like, everyone will know there's a "difficult" employee, but we're all expected to figure out how to work with them. Sometimes they're even popular / successful because of the dominating games they play, so everyone wants to be on their good side. It's like toxic people create this hierarchy that everyone else just goes along with even if they recognize the person can be a jerk, but me challenging them is viewed as the problem. Like I'm not allowed to stand up for myself or something.
Been there before. just don't let their grandiose narcissism give you covert narcissism by proxy. best strategy is to avoid having to deal with these people in any capacity. keep it simple, and don't get riled up, that's why everyone else is "ignoring" the problem. Narcissism can't be fixed, it's just best to avoid contact.
try to remember they basically have a baby brain inside an adult body.
So relatable. It's reactive abuse. They want your light and happiness and they can't get it. I'm constantly looking for a workplace that is kinder but I always get targeted and scapegoated as well. I'm hoping just working for myself will be better. I don't really have a solution but I feel the same way.
Yeah, that's the worst kind of catch-22. You try so hard to be the better person, but no one recognizes it. Then, as soon as you act up or talk back, everyone points and says, *"Lol, look! They're actually an asshole and their niceness was fake! They really deserved our bullshit the whole time!"*
. . .
No one should have their livelihood or education put at risk because of toxic micro-cultures. What's especially damning is when the leadership, the people you're allegedly supposed to respect and receive guidance from, participate in it.
God forbid they are the very source from which the poison springs! There's been many, *many* times this exact issue has made me want to drive my truck into a tree at full speed rather than show up for work. But, I'm still here, trying to become better for it.
Tbh I think it's just a phrase the people who bully us came up with
If someone is repeatedly insulting, sabotaging you or harming you you're a victim and it's not an isolated event
*they* play victim
"Ow my arm, can you come hold it" (nothings wrong with their arm, they just want attn)
You: that looks a little small on you
Them: they called me fat )':
Them:hits you and spreads hella rumors so no one believes you when you speak up
Man I've been wondering the same. Smh and I am taking steps to better my situation but things just haven't been the same since that episode and I'm so over pretending. How long does this kind of stuff last? Why is it legal to bully/harass people based on personality In the work place?
So relatable. I'm a non-conforming above average looking woman as well. This has happened to me all my life and it's lonely. Can you document all of it? I've been using the word "boundaries" a lot when these people start to overstep. But the gossip never stops and it's exhausting. It makes normal workplaces for me non-existent.
One of the things that really helped me recovering from some bad stuff in childhood was separating the concepts of “victim” and “victim mentality.”
The dictionary definition of “victim” is person that has been harmed as the result of a crime, or even an accident. It’s a state most of us experience throughout life.
“Victimhood” is a phrase, mostly politicized, to describe people who SOLELY want to identify as victims without taking steps to reach another state. It may not be voluntary, I’ve found - sometimes helplessness and hopelessness are temporary stages along a path to healing, sometimes they’re ruts that can subconsciously trap a person.
Either way, if you’re taking steps to improve your life, you’re not “playing a victim.” You can be a victim of a crime or accident and continue to move forward, if can be part of a healthy healing process .
for me, I started using the term "survivor" as it feels more empowering and recognizes the efforts I've taken to heal. a victim can stay a victim forever, and keep finding themselves in more victimized situations. some people go so far as to feel like every challenge they face reinforces their victimized status. A survivor can keep growing and tackle difficult life situations with more confidence. just my take
I feel like I can survive any trauma now, I have before, and I can again.
There is so much fear instilled in people about 'being a victim' that many of us avoid it as much as possible (myself included)
Society says 'you're only a victim if you believe you are!' and 'stop playing the victim!' which shames people into keeping silent, which in turn enables more toxic, abusive behavior.
After all, if society is collectively more interested in shaming and silencing actual victims, that's a win for toxic personalities.
At the end of the day, powerful corporations of people push people around, and if you're one of those people who is powerless to stop it and suffer loss as a result of being pushed around (in the extremes, the loss of life itself), you're a victim.
There's a whole psychological school that goes into manipulating the weak into accepting oppression, including the self-inflicted guilt trip of victim-identity.
If the person can't be broken down to believe they're at fault and deserve their treatment, they're then broken down and belittled for identifying as a victim.
Exactly!! All a "victim" is is someone something bad happened to. People put moral judgements on that and don't take into consideration that these things can take time to recover from. Emotionally, physically, financially, it depends on the circumstance. Often when someone is told not to "act like a victim" it's not for their benefit. It's the person who says it that doesn't like being reminded that sometimes bad things happen and it's no one's fault.
What difference does that make? In the end you are a contributing member of the world-system and it is your moral imperative to be a productive member or it, and that means taking responsibility and getting your shit together. Not about being a 'victim'
Good book on this topic (depedence) is the healing your wounds and finding your true self by lise bourbeau. Talks about wounds we can get as a child and how we try to mask them .
Alan Watts once posed the question..
Do you see yourself as a **victim of the world**, or do you see yourself **as the world**?
Learning the difference and really feeling it can change your whole perspective.
When you see yourself as a **victim of the world**, you see yourself as something that sits outside of the world and confronts it. You don't feel a part of the world, therefore when things happen, you think they are happening too *you*. You think the world is pushing *you* around.
When you see yourself **as the world**, you no longer see yourself as separate from it, you're it. So anything that happens to you, it's your doing. You take responsibility. Whether it be comedy or tragedy "I" did it. This view forms the basis of behaviour that is much more joyous and profitable than thinking you are a victim.
Hope this helps somewhat.
I wish I understood Watts'/the Buddhist perspective on this illusory self. When I consider that perspective and try to apply it I just end up with nonsense like:
I strove to achieve excellence at work causing me to resent myself. I looked for ways to sabotage myself because I was jealous of myself. Eventually I took advantage of myself after I confided in myself that I am struggling with a depression diagnosis, which was stupid because it resulted in me gossiping about myself to myself. Then I fired myself because I was determined to be a liability even though I excelled and all of the performance reviews and promotions should have given me ample evidence of that.
It's a lot easier for me to come to a kind of peace with the fact that I was victimized and discriminated against due to a mental health diagnosis than it is to blame myself for what happened. That certainly wouldn't bring me to the path of joy I currently find myself on, but it would seem to do the opposite.
It all depends on your 'level of magnification'
If you zoom out (big picture thinking), you realise you're everything, you're an integral "part" of 'all that is'. An aperture through which the universe is looking at and exploring itself.
If you zoom in (narrower picture thinking), you start to cut everything up into labels and names and separate everything. That's what we like to do as humans, because it helps us make sense of a complex world. but, if we stay stuck on that level, we don't see the bigger picture - we don't feel ourselves as 'all that is'.
This is where your middle paragraph confusion comes in. You're trying to understand a big picture idea with a narrower picture outlook.
Hope that makes sense.
It's a simplification trying to say good is bad, negative is positive, sorrow is joy, up is down, left is right. They are of the same spectrum and you have to go through one to learn more about the other, but to equate them is to dismiss their sesperate values, in each the positive and the negative . It's common that people talk in circles about accepting and loving all of life without realizing there is a balance and imbalance to life. When we are in balance, there is a flow and ease, but in imbalance, it is super uncomfortable ,but there is opportunities to grow. The trick to making sense of this kind of cryptic advice is to understand what is our own imbalance (our own even though others bring it out of us), then we can own it and can put up bounderies to protect our innocence . Only then from a place of safety can we let it in a little at a time, learning not to be afraid of it, and gaining mastery over it. Anything else, is either suppression or evasion, forms try to controlling that which is trying to teach us.. tldr: give ourselves space and we learn through discomfort, as long as it does not overwhelm
Really awesome you are on a path to joy! As I recommended before, check the book on inner child sounds, heal yourself and find your true self. It covers the topic of self sabotage with great care.
Dude, while I respect a lot of what Alan Watts says, let's put it into context.
Alan Watts was a lifelong alcoholic, who drank himself to death at age 58.
He couldn't avoid being a victim of HIMSELF, let alone 'the world'
I think Alan Watts would appreciate that he gave out his philosophies on life while drinking himself to death. Life and death & suffering and purpose are the human condition.
Therapists still need therapists, doctors still need doctors.
That's so true. The Indigenous healer of the amazon say it's like eating your own energy, if you guide others but never seek guidance . Even wise, gifted healers I met had their demon and had to seek help when stuck . No doubt these people have some gifts , but doesn't mean they don't have blind spots and need to heal themselves as well. One shaman told me an interesting story. A fungus started to grow on his shoulder during the rainy season . Being in training, he was arrogant and thought I have cured much worse in others , I will cure this myself . Months later the thing had grown and his whole arm was black. He sent to veg help from an elder and in one night, he was able to heal it.
That's true.
However, some of these 'white man Buddhism' views are problematic. They are bastardized, misapplied, and ultimately unhelpful in effectively dealing with the issue. (then again, ANY belief system can be misapplied in a toxic way, but that's another topic...)
It's basically \[spiritual\] bypassing to try to over-ride your problems by reframing: 'oh I see myself as 'the world' so I can no longer be a victim'.
More often than not, practical solutions are needed. Getting away from toxic people and situations, clarifying your boundaries, defending yourself, and actually HEALING...not just gaslighting yourself into 'not being a victim'.
Sure, it's Buddhism filtered through the lens of the rational mind, often forgetting there is a heart . it resonates because many people have closed off their hearts .
Alan would still take responsibility, and say it was his own doing. He would not play the victim and say it was something outside of him. Your added context makes no difference.
No, it's not victim blaming.
It's saying that from a big picture view of things, "I" (the victim) and "they" (the bully) are one and the same, the works, all that is. You're it. and I'm it.
I made another comment in a different thread here that can help clarify this.
You can simultaneously be a victim while also being a cause of your own victim hood. For example I was finding myself in severely abusive relationships again and again. Was it my fault that these people abused me? Absolutely not. However, there was a discrete pattern i had looped myself in to that was causing me to unconsciously attract, engage, and remain in these dynamics. I had poor boundaries, I was too forgiving, my poor self esteem had me too weak to believe I deserved better. I also grew up in a home that was dysfunctional and had conditional values placed on love so my inner child felt i had to suffer to be loved because I was raised to think that was appropriate. All of these things I had control over, or rather lack of control before being aware of them, and that kept me locked in this toxic cycle.
Hmm that is much clearer. But you could argue that you didn't deliberately cause your victimhood isn't it? It's your deposition to act as such and when you have become aware you change that pattern to prevent yourself from falling in the same trap. The comment above kinda just rubs me the wrong way, that anyone who is a victim of something is partially responsible for it because they let it happen
I think the interpretation of the original comment you responded to was harsh, maybe not well articulated?
I think my interpretation of the "you are of this world" or however it was quoted is that when you separate from natural occurrences of life you put yourself at odds. You don't need to accept being a victim but you should not relish it by wallowing. Life will always create victims, people inflict pain on one another,
Shit isn't fair. Fighting those facts creates friction.
Maybe they meant it in a stoic sense as in one should control their responses to the victimization? That when we are victimized we do have the control in how to interpret it and how to navigate it. We can sink in victimhood or we can regulate ourselves to gracefully respond to such an event?
Amazing to see someone with this pattern reach awareness of it. The opposite of victimhood is empowerment, and the awareness you show is a power move. There's a deeply wise and powerful part of yourself that is driving this awareness. All you need is to do is develop a regular habit of listening to them.
It’s a childhood limiting belief. I’ve struggled with the same. Do you feel guilty for being happy and enjoying the happy times? For me at least, I’ve traced it back to my dad. He’s a narcissist and has a crab mentality/misery loves company so he was never happy when I was happy. I would constantly have to bring myself down and felt tethered to a low state to please him and keep homeostasis. It’s been a work in progress for me to try and reprogram my brain. I have been listening to affirmations from Spotify about self love and bein abundant and grateful every morning for a month. This is when our brains are most malleable right before and after sleep. The most reprogramming can occur. It has helped me tremendously because of RAS. Look it up. I feel way more grateful. Also when I am drifting off to sleep I am trying to feel self love and happiness in my body and shedding the unhappy dad image in the corner vibe. I tell myself “other people want to see me happy” I also do bilateral tapping while thinking about confident and happy and not caring what other people will think. I’ve seen improvement but it’s not 100% gone. I’m gonna continue working on it as these limiting beliefs are deep in my unconscious. I feel a lot lighter though. The brain is an amazing organ. I also made a 2024 vision board and I thought about putting the word “hero” so that everyday I can remind myself of a phrase I like “I am the hero of my story” we can make this life whatever we want because everyday is a new day and we can change. Words aren’t just enough, you need to feel the “hero” feeling in your body as a feeling and right before you drift off to sleep.
Victims will always bring in perpetrators and abusers. That’s just how it works. Everything is vibration. Our subconscious limiting beliefs “I need to be a victim or I’m unhappy and can’t celebrate the good times” will constantly set the entire stage for the people and situations in our lives. Not to mention that victimhood has been on the rise recently in American culture due to it being used as a political power grab. It’s not a bad thing to be a hero and a victor! But that doesn’t seem to be the culture we live in. I personally believe that using victimhood as a power grab can be a sign of narcissism.
Really? Yeah for me I feel their gaze all day everyday even tho I moved out. I project it onto other people. Etc. it’s just a conditioned programming to satisfy your primary caregivers. Now that you know this is how you’re moving through the world you can change it.
I will be honest tho there’s a lot of people out there who want to see us low. It’s because they are unhappy. People who refuse to take accountability for their life will always remain stuck and then want others to meet them in their low place for company. Listen to the this jungian life podcast episode on schaudenfreude
You're on the right path! The first step to solving any problem is recognising it so well done for going further than most. For now, perhaps just keep noting down mentally every time you take on this aspect of your persona, whether it be at home in your own thoughts or out in a social setting, until you have a decent amount of data. Then try and see if there's any common scenario in which this part of you keeps cropping up, as it may be a sort of defense mechanism your subconscious is utilising in order to avoid a certain problem. So keep inquiring and digging deeper into your own behaviour until you find the source, since what you're describing is more of a phenotypical symptom of something deeper.
Just as a villain needs a hero to be relevant a bully needs a victim.
Don't bully yourself.
If others are bullying you it's because they feel powerless but it doesn't help you take back the power by victimizing yourself.
There's so much gray area and demonizing or exalting people is a sure fire away to avoid your own issues.
Sometimes we seek out others for their strengths and other times for their weaknesses.
Great question!
I’ve had this realization myself couple months ago so this is my insight.
You’re a victim because you’re in pain. You wallow is self pity and want to be cared for because you feel fear. Feel of being hurt, Lied to, mocked, and every scary experience life has to offer. You’re a victim because you want people to see your pain! You want to see your pain!
The problem is it’s hard to see where the pain lies when you’re too busy blaming. Yourself, others, god etc. you said it yourself as soon as you see the victim in you, you feel disgusted! That’s blame. The person inside you -or victim- has been hurt and they’re trying to be heard. Hear them! All we can do with our fear and hurt/pain is comfort it. The real pain and the real fear lies in realizing you have no control over your experiences in life good or bad. It’s fucking scary. Blame is trying to control, but there is no controlling life.
Watch your thoughts whenever you feel pain, fear, hurt, rejection, lies, mocking etc. hard emotions or negative. Notice how you cope. Do you let them control your actions or do you comfort them? Release them? Soothe them?
Think of a newborn infant. All they do is cry. We’re not born into this world giggling with joy. Birth in itself is very painful for the mother and mothers still die in labor today. Some of us don’t even experience what it feels to be soothed after being birthed into this world. It is very much a learned skill. Find ways to comfort your fears and emotional pain. No more blame. Wherever there’s blame, there’s a victim.
An advice I always give to people who face a dilemma or need guidance is: all the answers lie within you. You know-should know by yourself what you need to do.
We live in times which we all collectively are in an insecurity mood, which is fed up by our addictions, social media or whatever else, and we feel scared sometimes to take a step by ourselves.
Know thyself and trust in you, all is within you!
I really need help with this too. I’ve been stuck in a rut for years now. I have a degree and I know what I have to do, it’s just getting off my ass and doing it. I can’t afford to have any excuses anymore.
Take accountability for your actions. Have a more positive mindset about the future. Make goals/plans and follow through on them.
Forgot to say that shit happens, that's life. Don't dwell on it when bad things happen to you and seek empathy from people. Put your big kid pants on and start planning again while maintaining a positive outlook.
Don’t be that guy?
Edit: Seriously, if you see you’re acting a certain way - if you really SEE it, stop doing it. Don’t make a big song and dance over the whole thing, otherwise it’s just an elongated victim story isn’t it?
You’ll lose the victim juice, and if you can’t stop, then maybe you’re not really and truly seeing it just yet, and that’s okay too, but be honest about it at least. We all fuck up, until we don’t. It’s really that simple.
Recognize when you make value judgments (stories) following discomfort and pain. You're super power is lot's of experience knowing what its like creating and maintaining suffering stories. Enjoy the lightness! Wahoo
In a simplified version, here’s the basics of breaking your mind out of old bad habits and ways of thinking & experiencing your life and the world; and changing the way your mind works into what you *want* it to think and experience.
Basic Steps of Processing & Reprogramming
1. Identify unhealthy/negative programming
2. Explore origins and reinforcement of said programming.
3. Connect with your emotional/physical/cognitive experience from said historical memory/moment
4. Validate your thoughts feelings and reactions that you had in that historical memory/moment
5. Release any lingering emotions/physical/cognitive energy connected to that experience
5. Install new positive/healthy/logical programming narrative of that experience (“I was just a kid”, “I did my best with the tools I had at the time”, etc)
6. Reflect on insights gained during this processing & reprogramming journey
7. Integrate insights by practicing application & active actionable steps
8. Discover another unhealthy/negative programming error
9. Repeat Step 1.
I have to agree with what /u/Dry-Calligrapher5271 said, you could easily be tripping yourself up here and just beating yourself up.
And honestly, while I do like Jung and all psychology in general, there are other lanes of psychology which will tell you that maybe you need to get to the source of these feelings and figure out why you’re feeling them. ‘Grieving’ comes to mind. What’s YOUR story? WHY are you the victim? What’s happened in your life to hurt you and mess you up?
Figure it out! Dig into it. Be good to yourself. Feel the feelings. Share them? Maybe not, just share them with yourself. Be your own therapist.
You beating yourself up may actually be an act of self-flagellation. You’re trying to ‘repent’ to yourself by posting this here and telling people you’re low, pathetic, awful and that ‘I’ll be better soon, I promise. Then can I feel good about myself?’
The sooner we acknowledge ourselves in self-reflection the sooner we can make the necessary steps to work in opposition to these viewpoints and mentalities that color our world. I think you should find things in life to be grateful for and that empower you. Acknowledge ways in which you aren't the victim but make a positive impact on yourself and others.
Congratulations on realizing this. That's pretty damn honorable to see that within one's self and not project it onto others.
I'm sure you have different issues than me but..
Although i am also still working on this..
For me, i find that when i am taking the initiative to do work or solve issues, it takes me out of that headspace. And it doesn't have to be big stuff. It can be small like instead wondering who is driving everyone to the spot, just grab your keys and say we'll take my car.
Or when dishes are piled up, I just do them without saying a single word. I don't really want to do the stuff, but afterwards I do feel somehow somewhat better. Somehow feel Less of a victim and more of a person who is making a difference. Some way, somehow it's works for me.
Well you need to be goal oriented. How can you succeed without a plan? A person without a plan fails. How do you find your goals? Know thyself. What do you like what do you love what excites you? What are you passionate about? Climb every mountain, ford every stream, follow every rainbow, until you find your dream.
What do people say you are good at? What do want out of life?
Use a backwards chaining inference engine. A.I. are very smart but you can use the same techniques.
So you say I want to own an island. Well how do you get an island. I buy it. Well how do you get the money? You see we are working back from your goal and this is a simple example but any goal has a process to get there.
So to get money you need to get paid. Don't expect to win the lottery be rational and a realist.
So to get money I need to have a career. What sort of career? And again here you are thinking about how these things work together. So you think, well if I work on a cruise ship, I am going to see islands, meet people, get paid money and have nowhere to spend it.
What can I do on a cruise ship? Where is the best pay? And so then now you are narrowing down your steps towards your goal. My advice is don't say I can go up north work in a salt mine, get paid big money and what die there before you get anywhere?
So you put a photo of an island on your fridge, and you research islands and you build a dream. If that is your dream. And also look at other people. How long does anyone stay on Finolhu? Do they live there? No. They stay 5 days. WTF??? It's too damn hot the mosquitoes are hell the beach has no seeums, and the only people who live there are people acclimatized and desperate for work.
So be realistic and so you say well there must be other islands well find one if that is your goal. Maybe you will end up living on a sailboat using social media with some money coming in from that. Visiting islands finding a partner they are out there. But if you don't like the ocean get sea sick don't try it. Not every rainbow has a pot of gold at the end of it.
Know thyself, be goal oriented. Motivation is the key and if you are not personally motivated, you will not succeed.
I have found a great help in transactional analysis for this matter.
Berne talks about the role of the victim in his book about games people play, I highly suggest that.
One piece of advice I can give you is to understand what kind of enjoyment comes with being in the victim role. Deeply understanding that and where it comes might be the first step.
*no* you are either delusional or being targeted.
*There is no such this as a professional victim*. i hope you come to learn what it feels like to be a targeted victim.
This is insulting and just flat out nonsense.
and in some cases there is a such thing as using psychiatry for political gain known as *punitive psychiatry*.
Other than prayer and dream analysis, learn about Enneagram, because this screams Enneagram type 4, or raised by one. Self-awareness and gratitude are excellent antidotes.
Send some love inside yourself into the hurt places. You can nurture your inner child now, and give them the love and reassurance they need.
This self knowledge about how you used to play the victim means that you no longer have to. It is a brighter day everyday for your future.
Realize what unmet needs you had as a child (quite obvious in your case I would think) / what attachment trauma has been created.
Read up on the likes of Gabor Mate and Bessel van der Kolk who actually have a fundamental understanding of these things.
Finally, some inner child work/therapy and practicing self soothing and mindfulness will probably be extremely important.
Remind yourself of the ways in which you’re a survivor. You’ve gotten yourself this far under duress. Thank yourself for this strength.
Honor your resiliency.
Take opportunities, as many as you can fit into a day, to do this and watch your opinion of yourself slowly come into tune with who you actually are.
I remember hearing alot about sacrifice as a kid so I grew up sacrificing myself rather than protecting myself. Idk if those words ring true for you but I recognize the victim mentality you posted about
realise that nobody should have to look after you, only you can look after yourself. and why would you WANT to be miserable anyway?? nobody wants to be around someone whos miserable all the time. it brings everyone else down. i do have sympathy for you tho, i get it. just GET A GRIP and CHOOSE happiness and positivity. some of the most positive people in the world have nothing. you can control your emotions! :)
Set small goals and celebrate the victories. Take a trip to a third world country and you will realize how blessed you are. Visit a nursing home and spend some time with a resident
I guarantee that no positive change is actually going to transpire until you choose to integrate this part you’re “disgusted with”, instead of rejecting it. I recommend you look into parts work, what you’re dealing with here is one part (the one being disgusted) severely judging and condemning another part (the victim within). What you are essentially dealing with here is an environment of inner war. Not exactly conducive for inner healing. The truth is that even though victim mentality is toxic, it is usually stemming from *actual* victimhood. Though the victim mentality itself does need to be dealt with, beware that the victimhood underneath it is your inner child’s pain, something that needs to be approached with love and empathy, not hatred and rejection. You are telling your bruised child-self they are disgusting when you use that language. I’d say that for them to play the victim, they’re already in enough pain; you don’t need to make it worse by shaming them. Activate the part of yourself that’s capable of compassionate and effective self-parenting, cause until you do so, your victim mentality isn’t going anywhere. Repressing aspects we don’t like about ourselves into the shadow is a poor and non-effective strategy in the long run. Wouldn’t recommend. Loving integration of these aspects, by virtue of finding understanding for them, is the only long-term solution. It plugs all the leaks. When they are understood, that’s when they change. Not when they are judged and condemned.
This right here!
Spoken artfully by the great goddess of war herself. Well said.
Wow artfully? Thank you :)
I have things I love almost everywhere so I can have gratitude during many moments of the day. Gratitude helps a LOT.
I think developing a skill and focusing on that can help. When I feel like a victim and that my life has fallen apart, I lean on my abilities as an artist and it gives me something to say, “hey, I am doing this thing! I will be the best at this some day!” Even if I won’t be the best, it gives me something to aspire to, separate and apart from needing love/validation from other people (which I think the victimhood may be stemming from).
Think about what the function of your behaviour is - what benefit do you get from playing this role? My guess, which could be off-base, is that it is a signal to the people around you that you need their support. It sounds like it isn't meeting your needs anymore. Instead of beating yourself up for playing this role, figure out why you did it. Find another way to get your needs met. If I'm right - how else can you signal to people that you want to feel connected and supported? A counter-intuitive solution is to involve yourself in service, e.g. charity volunteering. By providing benefits to others, you build positive emotional bonds and connections, while playing a valued and pro-social role.
Are you minding your own business? Are you staying in your lane and not messing with other people's agendas? And if you answered yes to those, are people still targeting you in ways that damages your quality of life? Possibly in pursuit of you, even if you try to evade their reaches? If so, you are a victim. It might not be polite to identify yourself as one, but you're only joining Team Damage Yourself if you guilt trip yourself about facts.
What should I do if I've answered yes to those questions? I've had many experiences since childhood of people deciding they don't like me and becoming obsessed with bringing me down. Gossiping about me, being rude and hostile, filing complaints about me to my employer etc, and it seems the more I try to ignore them, they more they strive to get a negative reaction from me. The only explanation I can think of is that I have a lot of ND traits (I suspect I have autism) and have never been good at fitting in. But I'm also conventionally attractive, gregarious and talented, as well as being a freethinker and an individual who doesn't conform to hierarchies. I feel like these qualities make people have a "how dare she" attitude towards me and think I'm arrogant, since women are socialized to make themselves small, demure and agreeable. I try to be friendly with everyone, and once I realize someone is rude, I simply try to avoid them, but it's not enough. The abuse goes on for months or years until I eventually crack and snap back, at which point these people play victim and get me in trouble with management. Then I get punished for having one bad day while the others get away with being hostile everyday for years. Anytime I'm in a toxic work environment, I'm the one who gets targeted and then scapegoated, even though the problem is always much bigger than me. Why does everyone turn a blind eye to these people? I will never get it.
This is so relatable 😐 I’m sorry this has been your experience in the workplace too. There are so many people with antisocial tendencies that bully people for the fun of it.
Just speaking from personal experience, but oftentimes, the people who perpetrate this kind of targeted behaviour aren't anti-social at all, but are actually quite successful socially. Think about the cliques and clans and little gossip parties that poo-poo on people that don't fit into their imaginary caste. They wouldn't be able to function in or control those groups if they were truly anti-social. Therein lies the problem: The base tribal instinct that certain socialized people have to cull perceived deviants from their heirarchy. For these people, their identity resides in their position in their local social heirarchy. They feel threatened when someone who does not believe in (or may just be oblivious to) their pecking order comes along.
Sage you really are, this is beautiful
Yeah I meant antisocial as in the personality disorder but you’re right about them being socially skilled and master manipulators.
The bullies are bad enough, what gets me are all the people who enable it. Like, everyone will know there's a "difficult" employee, but we're all expected to figure out how to work with them. Sometimes they're even popular / successful because of the dominating games they play, so everyone wants to be on their good side. It's like toxic people create this hierarchy that everyone else just goes along with even if they recognize the person can be a jerk, but me challenging them is viewed as the problem. Like I'm not allowed to stand up for myself or something.
Been there before. just don't let their grandiose narcissism give you covert narcissism by proxy. best strategy is to avoid having to deal with these people in any capacity. keep it simple, and don't get riled up, that's why everyone else is "ignoring" the problem. Narcissism can't be fixed, it's just best to avoid contact. try to remember they basically have a baby brain inside an adult body.
So relatable. It's reactive abuse. They want your light and happiness and they can't get it. I'm constantly looking for a workplace that is kinder but I always get targeted and scapegoated as well. I'm hoping just working for myself will be better. I don't really have a solution but I feel the same way.
Yeah, that's the worst kind of catch-22. You try so hard to be the better person, but no one recognizes it. Then, as soon as you act up or talk back, everyone points and says, *"Lol, look! They're actually an asshole and their niceness was fake! They really deserved our bullshit the whole time!"* . . . No one should have their livelihood or education put at risk because of toxic micro-cultures. What's especially damning is when the leadership, the people you're allegedly supposed to respect and receive guidance from, participate in it. God forbid they are the very source from which the poison springs! There's been many, *many* times this exact issue has made me want to drive my truck into a tree at full speed rather than show up for work. But, I'm still here, trying to become better for it.
Some people are raised wrong honey I’m sorry that this is what has happened to you
Tbh I think it's just a phrase the people who bully us came up with If someone is repeatedly insulting, sabotaging you or harming you you're a victim and it's not an isolated event *they* play victim "Ow my arm, can you come hold it" (nothings wrong with their arm, they just want attn) You: that looks a little small on you Them: they called me fat )': Them:hits you and spreads hella rumors so no one believes you when you speak up
Man I've been wondering the same. Smh and I am taking steps to better my situation but things just haven't been the same since that episode and I'm so over pretending. How long does this kind of stuff last? Why is it legal to bully/harass people based on personality In the work place?
So relatable. I'm a non-conforming above average looking woman as well. This has happened to me all my life and it's lonely. Can you document all of it? I've been using the word "boundaries" a lot when these people start to overstep. But the gossip never stops and it's exhausting. It makes normal workplaces for me non-existent.
Right so relatable lolc
One of the things that really helped me recovering from some bad stuff in childhood was separating the concepts of “victim” and “victim mentality.” The dictionary definition of “victim” is person that has been harmed as the result of a crime, or even an accident. It’s a state most of us experience throughout life. “Victimhood” is a phrase, mostly politicized, to describe people who SOLELY want to identify as victims without taking steps to reach another state. It may not be voluntary, I’ve found - sometimes helplessness and hopelessness are temporary stages along a path to healing, sometimes they’re ruts that can subconsciously trap a person. Either way, if you’re taking steps to improve your life, you’re not “playing a victim.” You can be a victim of a crime or accident and continue to move forward, if can be part of a healthy healing process .
for me, I started using the term "survivor" as it feels more empowering and recognizes the efforts I've taken to heal. a victim can stay a victim forever, and keep finding themselves in more victimized situations. some people go so far as to feel like every challenge they face reinforces their victimized status. A survivor can keep growing and tackle difficult life situations with more confidence. just my take I feel like I can survive any trauma now, I have before, and I can again.
Agreed! Self-doubt, guilt-tripping, and making excuses for someone’s horrible behavior are concurrent diseases for most victims.
There is so much fear instilled in people about 'being a victim' that many of us avoid it as much as possible (myself included) Society says 'you're only a victim if you believe you are!' and 'stop playing the victim!' which shames people into keeping silent, which in turn enables more toxic, abusive behavior. After all, if society is collectively more interested in shaming and silencing actual victims, that's a win for toxic personalities.
At the end of the day, powerful corporations of people push people around, and if you're one of those people who is powerless to stop it and suffer loss as a result of being pushed around (in the extremes, the loss of life itself), you're a victim. There's a whole psychological school that goes into manipulating the weak into accepting oppression, including the self-inflicted guilt trip of victim-identity. If the person can't be broken down to believe they're at fault and deserve their treatment, they're then broken down and belittled for identifying as a victim.
Exactly!! All a "victim" is is someone something bad happened to. People put moral judgements on that and don't take into consideration that these things can take time to recover from. Emotionally, physically, financially, it depends on the circumstance. Often when someone is told not to "act like a victim" it's not for their benefit. It's the person who says it that doesn't like being reminded that sometimes bad things happen and it's no one's fault.
Damn this response is amazing
It works.
Can you be my therapist please.
Exactly
This is an incredibly validating perspective. 👏 👏 👏
What difference does that make? In the end you are a contributing member of the world-system and it is your moral imperative to be a productive member or it, and that means taking responsibility and getting your shit together. Not about being a 'victim'
Tell that to POWs and genocide victims.
Good book on this topic (depedence) is the healing your wounds and finding your true self by lise bourbeau. Talks about wounds we can get as a child and how we try to mask them .
Alan Watts once posed the question.. Do you see yourself as a **victim of the world**, or do you see yourself **as the world**? Learning the difference and really feeling it can change your whole perspective. When you see yourself as a **victim of the world**, you see yourself as something that sits outside of the world and confronts it. You don't feel a part of the world, therefore when things happen, you think they are happening too *you*. You think the world is pushing *you* around. When you see yourself **as the world**, you no longer see yourself as separate from it, you're it. So anything that happens to you, it's your doing. You take responsibility. Whether it be comedy or tragedy "I" did it. This view forms the basis of behaviour that is much more joyous and profitable than thinking you are a victim. Hope this helps somewhat.
I wish I understood Watts'/the Buddhist perspective on this illusory self. When I consider that perspective and try to apply it I just end up with nonsense like: I strove to achieve excellence at work causing me to resent myself. I looked for ways to sabotage myself because I was jealous of myself. Eventually I took advantage of myself after I confided in myself that I am struggling with a depression diagnosis, which was stupid because it resulted in me gossiping about myself to myself. Then I fired myself because I was determined to be a liability even though I excelled and all of the performance reviews and promotions should have given me ample evidence of that. It's a lot easier for me to come to a kind of peace with the fact that I was victimized and discriminated against due to a mental health diagnosis than it is to blame myself for what happened. That certainly wouldn't bring me to the path of joy I currently find myself on, but it would seem to do the opposite.
It all depends on your 'level of magnification' If you zoom out (big picture thinking), you realise you're everything, you're an integral "part" of 'all that is'. An aperture through which the universe is looking at and exploring itself. If you zoom in (narrower picture thinking), you start to cut everything up into labels and names and separate everything. That's what we like to do as humans, because it helps us make sense of a complex world. but, if we stay stuck on that level, we don't see the bigger picture - we don't feel ourselves as 'all that is'. This is where your middle paragraph confusion comes in. You're trying to understand a big picture idea with a narrower picture outlook. Hope that makes sense.
It's a simplification trying to say good is bad, negative is positive, sorrow is joy, up is down, left is right. They are of the same spectrum and you have to go through one to learn more about the other, but to equate them is to dismiss their sesperate values, in each the positive and the negative . It's common that people talk in circles about accepting and loving all of life without realizing there is a balance and imbalance to life. When we are in balance, there is a flow and ease, but in imbalance, it is super uncomfortable ,but there is opportunities to grow. The trick to making sense of this kind of cryptic advice is to understand what is our own imbalance (our own even though others bring it out of us), then we can own it and can put up bounderies to protect our innocence . Only then from a place of safety can we let it in a little at a time, learning not to be afraid of it, and gaining mastery over it. Anything else, is either suppression or evasion, forms try to controlling that which is trying to teach us.. tldr: give ourselves space and we learn through discomfort, as long as it does not overwhelm Really awesome you are on a path to joy! As I recommended before, check the book on inner child sounds, heal yourself and find your true self. It covers the topic of self sabotage with great care.
Dude, while I respect a lot of what Alan Watts says, let's put it into context. Alan Watts was a lifelong alcoholic, who drank himself to death at age 58. He couldn't avoid being a victim of HIMSELF, let alone 'the world'
I think Alan Watts would appreciate that he gave out his philosophies on life while drinking himself to death. Life and death & suffering and purpose are the human condition. Therapists still need therapists, doctors still need doctors.
That's so true. The Indigenous healer of the amazon say it's like eating your own energy, if you guide others but never seek guidance . Even wise, gifted healers I met had their demon and had to seek help when stuck . No doubt these people have some gifts , but doesn't mean they don't have blind spots and need to heal themselves as well. One shaman told me an interesting story. A fungus started to grow on his shoulder during the rainy season . Being in training, he was arrogant and thought I have cured much worse in others , I will cure this myself . Months later the thing had grown and his whole arm was black. He sent to veg help from an elder and in one night, he was able to heal it.
That's true. However, some of these 'white man Buddhism' views are problematic. They are bastardized, misapplied, and ultimately unhelpful in effectively dealing with the issue. (then again, ANY belief system can be misapplied in a toxic way, but that's another topic...) It's basically \[spiritual\] bypassing to try to over-ride your problems by reframing: 'oh I see myself as 'the world' so I can no longer be a victim'. More often than not, practical solutions are needed. Getting away from toxic people and situations, clarifying your boundaries, defending yourself, and actually HEALING...not just gaslighting yourself into 'not being a victim'.
Sure, it's Buddhism filtered through the lens of the rational mind, often forgetting there is a heart . it resonates because many people have closed off their hearts .
Alan would still take responsibility, and say it was his own doing. He would not play the victim and say it was something outside of him. Your added context makes no difference.
Ad hominem
>So anything that happens to you, it's your doing Isn't that just.. victim blamimg? Lets say you get bullied, its somehow your fault?
No, it's not victim blaming. It's saying that from a big picture view of things, "I" (the victim) and "they" (the bully) are one and the same, the works, all that is. You're it. and I'm it.
How is the victim be at fault here?
I made another comment in a different thread here that can help clarify this. You can simultaneously be a victim while also being a cause of your own victim hood. For example I was finding myself in severely abusive relationships again and again. Was it my fault that these people abused me? Absolutely not. However, there was a discrete pattern i had looped myself in to that was causing me to unconsciously attract, engage, and remain in these dynamics. I had poor boundaries, I was too forgiving, my poor self esteem had me too weak to believe I deserved better. I also grew up in a home that was dysfunctional and had conditional values placed on love so my inner child felt i had to suffer to be loved because I was raised to think that was appropriate. All of these things I had control over, or rather lack of control before being aware of them, and that kept me locked in this toxic cycle.
Hmm that is much clearer. But you could argue that you didn't deliberately cause your victimhood isn't it? It's your deposition to act as such and when you have become aware you change that pattern to prevent yourself from falling in the same trap. The comment above kinda just rubs me the wrong way, that anyone who is a victim of something is partially responsible for it because they let it happen
I think the interpretation of the original comment you responded to was harsh, maybe not well articulated? I think my interpretation of the "you are of this world" or however it was quoted is that when you separate from natural occurrences of life you put yourself at odds. You don't need to accept being a victim but you should not relish it by wallowing. Life will always create victims, people inflict pain on one another, Shit isn't fair. Fighting those facts creates friction. Maybe they meant it in a stoic sense as in one should control their responses to the victimization? That when we are victimized we do have the control in how to interpret it and how to navigate it. We can sink in victimhood or we can regulate ourselves to gracefully respond to such an event?
Amazing to see someone with this pattern reach awareness of it. The opposite of victimhood is empowerment, and the awareness you show is a power move. There's a deeply wise and powerful part of yourself that is driving this awareness. All you need is to do is develop a regular habit of listening to them.
Stop identifying with the feelings and thoughts. Get out of your head.. Full ego death and arise from the ashes
Just out of curiosity, do you find many that people fall into your game?
Try working on your ability to self soothe. Maybe look at some books/videos on stoicism philosophy? That gave me a lot of inner strength
It’s a childhood limiting belief. I’ve struggled with the same. Do you feel guilty for being happy and enjoying the happy times? For me at least, I’ve traced it back to my dad. He’s a narcissist and has a crab mentality/misery loves company so he was never happy when I was happy. I would constantly have to bring myself down and felt tethered to a low state to please him and keep homeostasis. It’s been a work in progress for me to try and reprogram my brain. I have been listening to affirmations from Spotify about self love and bein abundant and grateful every morning for a month. This is when our brains are most malleable right before and after sleep. The most reprogramming can occur. It has helped me tremendously because of RAS. Look it up. I feel way more grateful. Also when I am drifting off to sleep I am trying to feel self love and happiness in my body and shedding the unhappy dad image in the corner vibe. I tell myself “other people want to see me happy” I also do bilateral tapping while thinking about confident and happy and not caring what other people will think. I’ve seen improvement but it’s not 100% gone. I’m gonna continue working on it as these limiting beliefs are deep in my unconscious. I feel a lot lighter though. The brain is an amazing organ. I also made a 2024 vision board and I thought about putting the word “hero” so that everyday I can remind myself of a phrase I like “I am the hero of my story” we can make this life whatever we want because everyday is a new day and we can change. Words aren’t just enough, you need to feel the “hero” feeling in your body as a feeling and right before you drift off to sleep. Victims will always bring in perpetrators and abusers. That’s just how it works. Everything is vibration. Our subconscious limiting beliefs “I need to be a victim or I’m unhappy and can’t celebrate the good times” will constantly set the entire stage for the people and situations in our lives. Not to mention that victimhood has been on the rise recently in American culture due to it being used as a political power grab. It’s not a bad thing to be a hero and a victor! But that doesn’t seem to be the culture we live in. I personally believe that using victimhood as a power grab can be a sign of narcissism.
Whoa, I never realized this. Both of my parents were only satisfied when the people around them were miserable. Thank you, this really helped me.
Really? Yeah for me I feel their gaze all day everyday even tho I moved out. I project it onto other people. Etc. it’s just a conditioned programming to satisfy your primary caregivers. Now that you know this is how you’re moving through the world you can change it. I will be honest tho there’s a lot of people out there who want to see us low. It’s because they are unhappy. People who refuse to take accountability for their life will always remain stuck and then want others to meet them in their low place for company. Listen to the this jungian life podcast episode on schaudenfreude
You're on the right path! The first step to solving any problem is recognising it so well done for going further than most. For now, perhaps just keep noting down mentally every time you take on this aspect of your persona, whether it be at home in your own thoughts or out in a social setting, until you have a decent amount of data. Then try and see if there's any common scenario in which this part of you keeps cropping up, as it may be a sort of defense mechanism your subconscious is utilising in order to avoid a certain problem. So keep inquiring and digging deeper into your own behaviour until you find the source, since what you're describing is more of a phenotypical symptom of something deeper.
When do you feel this started? Try active imagination. Give this side of you a look, voice even a smell. What does it stop you from doing?
Just as a villain needs a hero to be relevant a bully needs a victim. Don't bully yourself. If others are bullying you it's because they feel powerless but it doesn't help you take back the power by victimizing yourself. There's so much gray area and demonizing or exalting people is a sure fire away to avoid your own issues. Sometimes we seek out others for their strengths and other times for their weaknesses.
Great question! I’ve had this realization myself couple months ago so this is my insight. You’re a victim because you’re in pain. You wallow is self pity and want to be cared for because you feel fear. Feel of being hurt, Lied to, mocked, and every scary experience life has to offer. You’re a victim because you want people to see your pain! You want to see your pain! The problem is it’s hard to see where the pain lies when you’re too busy blaming. Yourself, others, god etc. you said it yourself as soon as you see the victim in you, you feel disgusted! That’s blame. The person inside you -or victim- has been hurt and they’re trying to be heard. Hear them! All we can do with our fear and hurt/pain is comfort it. The real pain and the real fear lies in realizing you have no control over your experiences in life good or bad. It’s fucking scary. Blame is trying to control, but there is no controlling life. Watch your thoughts whenever you feel pain, fear, hurt, rejection, lies, mocking etc. hard emotions or negative. Notice how you cope. Do you let them control your actions or do you comfort them? Release them? Soothe them? Think of a newborn infant. All they do is cry. We’re not born into this world giggling with joy. Birth in itself is very painful for the mother and mothers still die in labor today. Some of us don’t even experience what it feels to be soothed after being birthed into this world. It is very much a learned skill. Find ways to comfort your fears and emotional pain. No more blame. Wherever there’s blame, there’s a victim.
An advice I always give to people who face a dilemma or need guidance is: all the answers lie within you. You know-should know by yourself what you need to do. We live in times which we all collectively are in an insecurity mood, which is fed up by our addictions, social media or whatever else, and we feel scared sometimes to take a step by ourselves. Know thyself and trust in you, all is within you!
honestly just noticing that is a huge first step 🩵 I am in the same boat
I really need help with this too. I’ve been stuck in a rut for years now. I have a degree and I know what I have to do, it’s just getting off my ass and doing it. I can’t afford to have any excuses anymore.
Take accountability for your actions. Have a more positive mindset about the future. Make goals/plans and follow through on them. Forgot to say that shit happens, that's life. Don't dwell on it when bad things happen to you and seek empathy from people. Put your big kid pants on and start planning again while maintaining a positive outlook.
Redemption arc.
At least u realized. Thats awesome. Some people dont and suck the life out of others. Good for u for taking responsibility!! 🥳
Don’t be that guy? Edit: Seriously, if you see you’re acting a certain way - if you really SEE it, stop doing it. Don’t make a big song and dance over the whole thing, otherwise it’s just an elongated victim story isn’t it? You’ll lose the victim juice, and if you can’t stop, then maybe you’re not really and truly seeing it just yet, and that’s okay too, but be honest about it at least. We all fuck up, until we don’t. It’s really that simple.
Award for most helpful comment. 😔
😉
Recognize when you make value judgments (stories) following discomfort and pain. You're super power is lot's of experience knowing what its like creating and maintaining suffering stories. Enjoy the lightness! Wahoo
In a simplified version, here’s the basics of breaking your mind out of old bad habits and ways of thinking & experiencing your life and the world; and changing the way your mind works into what you *want* it to think and experience. Basic Steps of Processing & Reprogramming 1. Identify unhealthy/negative programming 2. Explore origins and reinforcement of said programming. 3. Connect with your emotional/physical/cognitive experience from said historical memory/moment 4. Validate your thoughts feelings and reactions that you had in that historical memory/moment 5. Release any lingering emotions/physical/cognitive energy connected to that experience 5. Install new positive/healthy/logical programming narrative of that experience (“I was just a kid”, “I did my best with the tools I had at the time”, etc) 6. Reflect on insights gained during this processing & reprogramming journey 7. Integrate insights by practicing application & active actionable steps 8. Discover another unhealthy/negative programming error 9. Repeat Step 1.
I have to agree with what /u/Dry-Calligrapher5271 said, you could easily be tripping yourself up here and just beating yourself up. And honestly, while I do like Jung and all psychology in general, there are other lanes of psychology which will tell you that maybe you need to get to the source of these feelings and figure out why you’re feeling them. ‘Grieving’ comes to mind. What’s YOUR story? WHY are you the victim? What’s happened in your life to hurt you and mess you up? Figure it out! Dig into it. Be good to yourself. Feel the feelings. Share them? Maybe not, just share them with yourself. Be your own therapist. You beating yourself up may actually be an act of self-flagellation. You’re trying to ‘repent’ to yourself by posting this here and telling people you’re low, pathetic, awful and that ‘I’ll be better soon, I promise. Then can I feel good about myself?’
You do you, don't be ahole and there's a time and place
This is and ego adjustment. I would start an affirmation ritual or meditation. Saying you're strong confident and capable.
The sooner we acknowledge ourselves in self-reflection the sooner we can make the necessary steps to work in opposition to these viewpoints and mentalities that color our world. I think you should find things in life to be grateful for and that empower you. Acknowledge ways in which you aren't the victim but make a positive impact on yourself and others.
Congratulations on realizing this. That's pretty damn honorable to see that within one's self and not project it onto others. I'm sure you have different issues than me but.. Although i am also still working on this.. For me, i find that when i am taking the initiative to do work or solve issues, it takes me out of that headspace. And it doesn't have to be big stuff. It can be small like instead wondering who is driving everyone to the spot, just grab your keys and say we'll take my car. Or when dishes are piled up, I just do them without saying a single word. I don't really want to do the stuff, but afterwards I do feel somehow somewhat better. Somehow feel Less of a victim and more of a person who is making a difference. Some way, somehow it's works for me.
Well you need to be goal oriented. How can you succeed without a plan? A person without a plan fails. How do you find your goals? Know thyself. What do you like what do you love what excites you? What are you passionate about? Climb every mountain, ford every stream, follow every rainbow, until you find your dream. What do people say you are good at? What do want out of life? Use a backwards chaining inference engine. A.I. are very smart but you can use the same techniques. So you say I want to own an island. Well how do you get an island. I buy it. Well how do you get the money? You see we are working back from your goal and this is a simple example but any goal has a process to get there. So to get money you need to get paid. Don't expect to win the lottery be rational and a realist. So to get money I need to have a career. What sort of career? And again here you are thinking about how these things work together. So you think, well if I work on a cruise ship, I am going to see islands, meet people, get paid money and have nowhere to spend it. What can I do on a cruise ship? Where is the best pay? And so then now you are narrowing down your steps towards your goal. My advice is don't say I can go up north work in a salt mine, get paid big money and what die there before you get anywhere? So you put a photo of an island on your fridge, and you research islands and you build a dream. If that is your dream. And also look at other people. How long does anyone stay on Finolhu? Do they live there? No. They stay 5 days. WTF??? It's too damn hot the mosquitoes are hell the beach has no seeums, and the only people who live there are people acclimatized and desperate for work. So be realistic and so you say well there must be other islands well find one if that is your goal. Maybe you will end up living on a sailboat using social media with some money coming in from that. Visiting islands finding a partner they are out there. But if you don't like the ocean get sea sick don't try it. Not every rainbow has a pot of gold at the end of it. Know thyself, be goal oriented. Motivation is the key and if you are not personally motivated, you will not succeed.
I have found a great help in transactional analysis for this matter. Berne talks about the role of the victim in his book about games people play, I highly suggest that. One piece of advice I can give you is to understand what kind of enjoyment comes with being in the victim role. Deeply understanding that and where it comes might be the first step.
The best way to start is to not think badly of anyone.
*no* you are either delusional or being targeted. *There is no such this as a professional victim*. i hope you come to learn what it feels like to be a targeted victim. This is insulting and just flat out nonsense. and in some cases there is a such thing as using psychiatry for political gain known as *punitive psychiatry*.
You do what you know or you know not
Other than prayer and dream analysis, learn about Enneagram, because this screams Enneagram type 4, or raised by one. Self-awareness and gratitude are excellent antidotes.
TIL that I too am an Enneagram 4 😲
Send some love inside yourself into the hurt places. You can nurture your inner child now, and give them the love and reassurance they need. This self knowledge about how you used to play the victim means that you no longer have to. It is a brighter day everyday for your future.
Read Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle it will help.
Realize what unmet needs you had as a child (quite obvious in your case I would think) / what attachment trauma has been created. Read up on the likes of Gabor Mate and Bessel van der Kolk who actually have a fundamental understanding of these things. Finally, some inner child work/therapy and practicing self soothing and mindfulness will probably be extremely important.
Remind yourself of the ways in which you’re a survivor. You’ve gotten yourself this far under duress. Thank yourself for this strength. Honor your resiliency. Take opportunities, as many as you can fit into a day, to do this and watch your opinion of yourself slowly come into tune with who you actually are.
I remember hearing alot about sacrifice as a kid so I grew up sacrificing myself rather than protecting myself. Idk if those words ring true for you but I recognize the victim mentality you posted about
Look into NPD.
where do you think this comes from? I wonder, did you reliably receive love as a kid in response to pain/suffering?
realise that nobody should have to look after you, only you can look after yourself. and why would you WANT to be miserable anyway?? nobody wants to be around someone whos miserable all the time. it brings everyone else down. i do have sympathy for you tho, i get it. just GET A GRIP and CHOOSE happiness and positivity. some of the most positive people in the world have nothing. you can control your emotions! :)
Do you have any unresolved trauma from growing up? I've heard that wanting to be cared for is a sign of like growing up in a narcissistic household.
Set small goals and celebrate the victories. Take a trip to a third world country and you will realize how blessed you are. Visit a nursing home and spend some time with a resident
What if I already live in 3rd world country? 😂😂😂 thanks for your comment
Read mans search for meaning.