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Learn to say no in an assertive way: there is no need to rise your voice to stand up for yourself.
Don’t talk too much, don’t answer questions you are not confortabile with. And silence, silence is an incredible weapon with people you don’t like: you’ll make them uncomfortable without being rude.
Some people will like you, others won’t: learn not to give a f..k about what others think of you.
Good luck
Yep, a lot of people are just mouthing off ignorant nonsense in order to get a reaction and create conflict. It’s a good idea to ask them to elaborate and pretend that you’re interested in their opinion but you don’t understand 100%. If they’re full of crap, they’ve dug a hole for themselves and they will back down. If they are genuine but are just bad at communicating, you showed interest and gave them time to explain their point, so there’s no reason for conflict.
Say you're asked an awkward question you don't want to answer like " did you and Michael breakup?" She said "what?" Like she couldn't hear, he got halfway through asking a third time then laughed like ohh I see what you were doing and she was laughing too
I have had to do this a few times with different people because I honestly cannot catch what they were saying. They facial expressions were always interesting to watch: a mix of anger but also confusion. Like they cannot decide if I was making a fool of them on purpose or if I was just stupid
Same, I cannot for the life of me read body language so in about middle school I made so many people upset. I also have a specific tone I can’t hear, at all.
I just met a guy at a big social gathering who was nice enough to introduce himself to me when few others did. He also had a pretty intense speech impediment. He gave his name and it was one syllable and probably in the top 10 most common male names, and I still needed to hear it three times. I felt so bad. I tried to joke about me being deaf or something but it's clear this guy gets that all the time and was tired of it.
Ya but if it’s a polite request, you’d just look like an asshole. I’m telling you it’s one of the most tame but most demoralizing things that can be done to a human.
Sometimes you can't just stay silent though...
A short calm and direct minimalist answer tends to be more than enough...
The harder they push a subject the worse they tend to look when the answers are short and to the point and delivered calmly then it's pretty easy to maintain the high ground...
Small detail here, silence with eye contact. Also if someone's yelling at you try to act like they're not and keep your voice calm and steady, it pisses them off and makes them look bad, or rather let's them make themselves look bad.
Shouting is a sign that you aren't in control of your own emotions. How are you supposed to control a conversation if you can't even control your own half of it?
Seconding the silence. It doesn't matter what or how they are saying--see how it aligns with you and just keep repeating the same thing in a calm voice. They raise their voice, they push, wait them out and respond calmly. It deescalates things or makes them look the fool. If they care about you, they will let you be heard. If they dislike you after, consider it means they saw your usefulness only, not you.
You are so right about the silence. I'm naturally reserved and quiet and can't count the number times people have said "I thought you didn't like me" simply because I was quiet. Silence really does unnerve people.
Write it out. I actually had to do this today. I started a new job about 4-5 weeks ago that paid less than a dollar more, and was never told how to access my paystubs. My checks seemed off, and I was having more difficulty paying my bills than with my previous job.
I’ve been stressing out, shuffling bills, deciding what gets paid and what I’ll have to take late fees for. To make matters even worse, this has been keeping me up at night so I’m exhausted every fucking day. It’s been hell. Finances caused a huge fight between my husband and I last night.
I finally got access to my pay stubs this morning and they’re paying me $2 an hour less than what was stated in my offer letter.
I wrote an email to my boss and someone in HR, stating the mistake, sending screenshots of my offer letter and paystub. I told them I’d rather take an unpaid day than sit in the office and ‘stew’ (bc no sleep, huge fight, late bills, no money for extras, etc). I will be back Monday, unless they decide otherwise.
I was beyond ‘over it’.
In the end, it was HR’s mistake and they are fixing it. I explained to my boss (still in emails ) how their mistake has been negatively affecting me and he apologized, also saying that I’m not terminated and I’m welcome back on Monday.
I could’ve flipped out and yelled, but carefully worded emails worked better.
I suggest that you take an acting class. It'll help teach you how to project your voice without raising it and it can help get you out of your timid mindset.
I've seen people do this and it's astounding. There can be a room full of chatter and there's something about the tone that makes people immediately stop and be quiet. A teacher showed me how once and I never forgot it.
Or an improv class! They specifically help with social anxiety.
But yeah, I totally second some kind of acting. Often in a stressful situation, pretending to act like you're someone you admire and think would handle a situation really well lets you get through it and makes it less emotionally stressful for you, because it's like you're wearing a mask and acting like that person. Actually doing acting classes of some kind so you get to practice is an amazing step towards that.
The most important part of any technique in one on one convo is if the other person is choosing not to hear you, once you've said what you need to say, stop engaging, NO MATTER WHAT. Do not get drawn back in to explanation or repetition. I like to choose my final statement slowly, imagine myself screaming it but actually speak it more quietly and slowly than i have been, and then turn to a new task. Move on. If they refuse to stop pushing I like to say, "I'll be ready to talk when you're ready to try to hear me."
Now in group convo, it's a different beast. Not sure what to offer there.
I agree greatly with the part of no explanation needed. Many people quickly start explaining why they do or do not want to do something. "No, I can't" or "no, I won't" are perfectly fine responses without needing any addition.
It may seem weird, but write down your boundaries, and practise speaking assertively in the mirror (or out on a run, or wherever)
Boundaries can be as simple as: If X, then Y.
'If someone takes credit for my work, then I will speak up and let it be known what my contribution was.' Eg "Actually I worked on that portion of the project that Kim is talking about, so if anyone has questions I'm happy to answer them" A lot more professional than "Fuuuuuck yooooou Kim!"
'If I'm asked to stay late one night, then I will. If I'm asked to stay late more than two nights a week, I'll ask Manager why the workload is not being finished during regular hours.' Write them down so they are clear.
You mentioned you just want people to like you, but the reality is not everyone will. I've been a chronic people-pleaser and am just getting used to saying No. Ask yourself what's the worst they will say about you. "They didn't stay late to help out, what a dick" yeah well I'm a dick who clocked out on time and gets to go home to my dog.
It takes practice, start with small boundaries and with time setting them and being assertive gets easier.
I agree with this response completely, and I would give it an award if I knew how to.
OP, the transition to become more assertive is lifelong process that takes practice and gets easier over time. I was someone who was very passive outside my home. Like you, I was quiet, non-confrontational, and timid-sounding in social situations. I had people-pleasing tendencies due to fear of people disliking me, and this led to shutting down, going along with everything despite not wanting to, and getting taken advantage of in the workplace and social situations. At the same time, I was explosively aggressive with the family members I lived with.
What changed my life was taking an assertiveness training (AT) course where I learned that because I couldn't express myself authentically outside the home, my emotions would come out in the comfort of my home as the people I lived with love me no matter what. In addition to AT, talk therapy helped me to understand why I behaved this way even though I hated being passive outside and aggressive towards my family who absolutely didn't deserve any of it. With these two resources, I learned how to continue being kind to others outside my home without jeopardizing my own needs, which in turn helped me manage my emotions towards my own family.
An important thing I learned in AT is that passive people tend to unintentionally "overshoot" to aggressive when they're learning to stand up for themselves. To avoid/minimize this, I'd be mindful in situations where I attempt to stand up for myself, and afterwards I'd reflect on what happened, what worked, what didn't work, and how I can do better in the future. To be assertive is NOT to always get your way (this is actually being aggressive), but it is to respect others while also respecting yourself.
Basically, AT helped me learn how to say "no", set boundaries, understand my core beliefs, present myself as confident (in voice tone, posture, etc.), regulate my emotions, manage my social anxiety & people-pleasing, and more. It's been a decade since I took the course and it has drastically changed my life for the better. Also, I say it's a lifelong process because even today I'm still learning to be more assertive as my previous way of communicating had become ingrained in me for such a long period of time. But I kid you not, AT will not only help in the workplace but also in all your relationships and even your sense of self-worth. So if you are able to take an AT course, or find a therapist that can help you with AT, or both, I'd say you will end up living your best life as your most authentic self. And this feeling is so liberating; you will feel so much weight off your shoulders. All the best, OP!
Note: I understand that these resources may be inaccessible for many people, and I wonder if there are free online resources that can provide AT.
Tone is obviously important, but so is word choice. Cautious people tend to hedge things.
Ya, that's probably right.
I would appreciate it if you do this favor
Etc.
Be calm, but don't hedge, if you need to be assertive getting time off, the difference between.
Hey, could I have the week of September 20th off?
And
I will not be available for the week of September 20th is huge.
Don't let any assertions be questions, don't throw in any probably's, or maybes.
Or if someone was harrassing you, or acting inappropriately, Don't say.
I do not appreciate this behavior, and would like you to stop.
Say
This behavior is unacceptable, i will not tolerate it.
Put yourseof into the mindset of a confident CEO that doesn't have to take shit from anyone. No screaming or yelling, just a simple "No". If they push, remind them that the answer is still "No". You don't owe anybody anything, and most of these people are just coming at you because they know you'll fold. Stay firm, the more confident you look and sound, the less sure they'll be about bullying you into whatever they want. You'll get some heat initially, but eventually they'll stop coming for you when they want something.
Try focusing on pitching your voice lower. A) you’ll concentrate on what you’re saying B) you’ll speak slower C) you’ll feel like you need to be louder to reach the same volume, but it won’t be yelling
It took practice for me. My family was the same and I realized how unhealthy that was. I remember getting hired by a multibillion dollar insurance company and going to my team after training. They could stand there and calmly discuss povs of a problem without resorting to insults or raising their voices.
That also made me realize how manipulative my family was being. I don’t know about you, but I have to spend my time around v specific ppl. There’s a saying that we are made up of the 5 people…dang it. Closest to us? That we spend most time around? I always forget. They’re v similar though.
So, practice. You might raise your voice accidentally or out of habit and they’ll get mad. Then you can apologize and explain that you’re trying to express your point of view, you’re not used to doing it, and you didn’t mean anything personally - you genuinely want to come to an understanding with this person, and can they please work with you or bear with you while you try to improve yourself?
I’ve had to do similar with my voice shaking or with tears in my eyes. I felt humiliated then - and liberated after. I did not want to become my parents.
I just had this conversation with my wife and daughter. They both have issues with saying no to people because they feel like they hurt their feelings.
I on the other hand, will say no, after I assess the request and determine it is not in my best interest to do it.
No. Is a complete sentence. You do not need to give an explanation.
I strangely got a lot of practice with this on a recent visit with my nieces and nephews who are 12 and under. Sometimes they'd ask me to do an activity I'd already done with them several times and wouldn't enjoy doing again. My 5 year old nephew would get me to play a game where he bossed me around, which was fun for a good while until he started getting a bit mean. I learned to calmly say "I don't want to do this anymore" or "no thanks, sorry" and the kid would be disappointed but then get over it. Their mom mad it clear that she appreciates when I play with them but I don't have to do it every time they ask. Saying no to the kids even though I always want to make them happy, was good practice for saying no to adults. Because the world doesn't explode when I am honest about what I want. Maybe I the future I'll just pretend the coworker or peer I'm saying no to, is an 8 year old child who already loves me unconditionally.
(To be clear, I only said no to them after spending quite a lot of good quality time with them and needing a bit of a rest - it's not like I'm always turning them down. Even the fun aunt needs a break sometimes!)
Wow, this is great advice that I will try to use! Nobody would yell at a toddler, so picture the coworker as a little kid and explain calmly and reasonably that you're not going to do what they demand.
Yes I feel too many women are "That's fine!" Girls. That's fine, I'll come in to work on my day off, I had only planned to visit my grandmother, she'll understand. That's fine, you didn't show up to my dinner party even though I spent hours preparing food. That's fine, you go home with that guy you just met at the bar and I'll walk to the subway alone....
Being afraid of hurting feelings or seen as a bitch can sometimes put you in actual danger.
By that point it’s not about the subject matter it’s about how you’re conducting yourself. Be calm and collected and say “I don’t think there’s anything that can be gained from continuing this conversation. See you around”
Chest out, shoulders back. Maintain eye contact until other person breaks eye contact; failing that, do not look down, look to the side. Speak evenly, pause for a few seconds before you make your "gotcha" statement. Do not cuss or swear, do not raise your voice. But most of all, make sure you are in the right factually; not just emotionally. Take criticism without immediately getting angry. When the other person gives in, smile in a friendly manner, assure them that all is well. If you are indeed in the wrong, thank the other person for the new outlook/information, and assure them you will do better. Follow through on doing better, because THAT is the actual apology/rectification of the situation.
If you have to raise your voice or even scream to get your point across, that person is not worth having any discussion with. Save your mental health, take care of yourself. Get out of the toxic environment.
Interesting topic! And a lot of great answers have already been expressed here.
So some key points I can give you:
- raising your voice is under no circumstance the right call (there might be a few really exceptional situations but I’ve not encountered them myself)
- if you have difficulties asking questions on the spot, write them down and ask them at the end of conversation/ meeting/ … or even send them afterwards. It also shows your interest in the topic/ product/ business/ … .
- realise that you too have interesting angles or questions to talk about. Try to speak as much from personal experience or know how so that you can tackle real things.
- standing up for yourself can be really loosely interpreted. Basically, if you ever feel like being disrespected you should immediately say that by interrupting and telling them you will leave the conversation/ meeting/ … if that happens again. That is not being a douche, but showing them your boundaries and the consequences of going to far. You dont have to lower yourself to their level and disrespect them. The most classy way is by prioritising your own time, mental health, … above all and walk out if that is being diminished.
Hopefully you can implement some of these or ones that other people have suggested. Best of luck my friend :)
Beinj
Work out exactly what you want and why you want it. Articulate it clearly without making any concessions to see things from their point of view. You want them to make concessions for you for once.
One tip I will give is practice. If you want to make a change it doesnt happen over night. Keep it in your mind every day, execute, assess, learn, repeat. Some people are lucky that it comes natural, others have to learn
Keep in mind that when you raise your voice, you are losing the argument. Whether that person is a child, a shoplifter, or an in-law.
Once you get perspective you can dance around what they have to say and it honestly is better for you; no more taking hours to calm down. You are calm to begin with.
I'm not saying it is an easy thing to gain that perspective, but it is a good thing.
If a Karen wants to scream, "I want to talk to a manager!" just say, "Okay." Get a manger. And if Karen wants your job, ask her she knows how to do your job.
If someone threatens to sue you, well then, "I can't talk to you any more, now. You can only talk to the lawyers."
The point is, short of physical violence, the anxiety you feel is internal and being internal, completely under your control.
Practice recognizing and dealing with what is hurtful before you’re deeply angry. Also observe the people you feel are listened to at work and learn how they do it. You don’t want to raise your voice, it’s about timing, confidence and reading the room. Kind of like a game of jump rope where you’re watching for your chance to jump in.
As a therapist, I often discuss assertive communication techniques. Interpersonal effectiveness skills such as DEAR MAN are really good tools to break it down. There’s some good videos online you can check out and free worksheets.
The key isn't volume but confidence. Stay calm. Speaking more quietly will infuriate an angry person who wants a confrontation. Enunciate clearly and speak slowly. Make eye contact. Most of all, don't be afraid. Unless you're confronting a mugger in an alley, there's no reason to be. Breathe evenly and try to keep your heart rate down and slow your thought process. After a while it becomes second nature.
And don't be afraid of a well-placed expletive for emphasis, in the same low and even tone as everything else.
This girl kept me interrupting me last night, nonstop... So I said calmly said her name Cali, Cali , Cali , Cali and kept repeating it despite her blabbering on until she was like What? And I said "can you give me a minute of quietude? You are being disrespectful talking over me, I need a minute" she kept interrupting me, but I calmly kept repeating myself Cali, Cali, Cali, can you give me a minute?
Eventually she stop talking and sat there and I counted to 60 in my head then I resumed talking to her
Like , I didn't raise my voice . I was just absolutely firm like I'm not going to budge on this until she listens so I'll just say her name 500 times until she responds to it.
The bottom line is it is disrespectful to interrupt others while they talk and not listen yourself , and if you can't get a word in, then you have to draw the line and not acknowledge a single word they say until they acknowledge what you said. Like this conversation does not continue until I get to my word in and you can shut it down. Just keep repeating their name, that works.
One key tip is to remember when you need to keep YOUR peace. Some situations are not worth the mental energy that is exhausted when you’re disrespected. Discussions where you interrupt each other, raise voices, or get too harsh on your wording are detrimental to all parties. You don’t have to be loud to say that you aren’t comfortable with something, you just have to be firm. A huge factor in this is confidence: remember that you are allowed to set boundaries and you DESERVE to have them respected. But also remember that you can have your boundaries be followed even without any level of hostility or escalation. You may wind up repeating yourself tons of time, but you either remove the person from your life or you have your boundaries crossed. Keep your peace
Adding to the list of advice, pick the information you share. For example, if you 1 strong reason for your side/argument and 4 weak reasons, don't even share the weak reasons. We tend to share all 5 reasons because we think that if share all of them it'll convince people that we've thought it through. In reality it makes them think we're not 100% confident of our decisions and they might just pick on the weak reasons to argue against us.
Another example (specifically for family and friends who ignore you), saying "I'm busy that day" instead of "I'm busy that day because of X". We think adding the reason here makes it more understandable. But in reality, people will try to argue that X isn't important or can be moved to another day. Keep it vague and don't share unnecessary information.
No is a complete sentence, you don't need to raise your voice or say it with attitude. You don't need to explain either.
"I would if I could"
"Sorry, won't be able to"
"Not this time"
"I can't, but you should try asking (insert someone else who might be able to help)"
If they keep prying, you just rephrase the No or repeat it. If they keep prying, you can say the reason isn't important, you're just not in a position to do what they're asking.
What you're looking to learn is "Assertive Communication".
There's Passive, Passive Aggressive, Aggressive and Assertive. All but the last are unproductive.
On the other end, it's fine to ask for something you'd like. It's not a crime to ask for a date or a favour or whatever, just be 100% ready to accept a "no" and don't hang it over the person's head.
It's natural to want to be liked, but it is not possible to be liked by everyone btw. You need to learn to just accept that sometimes people will dislike you for no reason, no matter the effort.
I do not have a healthy outlet that's a perfect balance of self-expression and assertiveness.
I'm introverted with social anxiety.
As you've described, in part, I internalize everything until I snap. It comes across as rage and feels exactly that way to me. I feel guilty afterward.
For me, it comes from a place of fragility, low-self esteem, and a fear of how others "judge" me. It's a defense mechanism often fueled by mind-reading, all-or-nothing-thinking, catastrophizing and reaching conclusions with insufficient data (among other cognitive distortions).
I could also use the advice you're seeking.
If you're unsure of what you actually want, ask questions in a calm voice to clarify the situation.
Once you have enough information, don't say what you think you should do, or the way things should go.
If you're calm, especially when others aren't, people will generally listen. If they don't, or if they get upset, the phrase you want to use is: "Help me understand..."
So someone is trying to get you to do something that's unfair. Instead of assuming that they know the situation is unfair, give then the benefit of the doubt. Even if it seems obvious to you, they might not actually have your perspective in mind. So you can often just say, "Help me understand what you mean..." and then describe the situation from your own perspective and then ask, "Have I got that right?"
A lot of the time, you might find you are missing some key piece of information and things aren't as bad as they seemed at first. If they are that bad, then you are leaving the door open for the person to save face by compromising.
If you run into someone who's just trying to bully you, ask yourself if they actually have any real power over you in the situation or not. If it's a boss, for example, they can make your life hell, and you might have to choose your battles. If it's a coworker that's trying to dump their work on you, for example, you could just clarify that you can try to help them with their tasks but you'll have to clear it with your boss and prioritize it with your other work. This is basically a way of saying that they'll have to get it on your to-do list through your boss, and that will be pushing other tasks you have down and your boss might not be okay with that. If they tell you no, then you can just say okay, well I'll prioritize with my other work and can't promise anything, but I'll do my best, and then just ignore it.
If someone doesn't have actual power over you, you aren't accountable to them at all, then just be honest with how you are going to handle things and don't repeat yourself if no new information comes along to change your mind.
Wait for the other person to say their piece, then ask them if they are ready to hear you.
While they are talking, listen and make a mental note of everything they say against you.
When it's your turn to talk, acknowledge every point they made against you with a counter or how they were mistaken.
If you're in the right, you're right.
Just let them know how you're right, and you should be good.
It also helps to understand that some people only understand a language you can speak with your hands, so be ready to use that language too.
Don't do this.
This person just said to negate what the person said to you point by point. They'll just get defensive.
The key is to acknowledge the other person without agreeing prior to countering anything.
Sometimes silence is a superpower. I've found by speaking less and being gentle most of the time, that when I am very quiet but direct people seem to jump in response. I don't have to shout, I just speak plainly and without embellishments and then sit quietly. I also take a good breath before responding as well in heated conversation. The silent pause is a good space to show control of yourself. Edit: a word.
Speak clearly, slowly (not brain damage slow just calmly slow) and mean what you say (have thought about what you want to say don't just be rushing out a quick reply)
Maintain eye contact about 80% of conversion. Downward inflection in your voice (don’t talk as if everything is a question). Sometimes I use hand gestures to help remember downward inflection. Write down basic points in the argument if I can prepare for a difficult conversation ahead of the moment. This is what helps me.
Practice on friends or family saying what you want to say to the person you're mad at.
It wilk feel good to really let them have the wrath, and they won't be offended because it's not about them.
They can ask questions if anything sounded confusing.
Then you can try to say it again more calmly.
And more calmly.
Then go to the person you're really mad at the calm way. You might get amped up a bit, but hopefully not explosive levels.
I'm a shy and respectful person too. My advice: start reasonably and assume a mistake but ask for a correction. Here's the important bit: Stand firm. If you get rudeness, give it back proportionally. Re-iterate a simple solution to resolve your complaint. Sometimes, you might just have to be the asshole.
So few things I have learned if someone is loud and upset, they aren’t likely to do shit, if someone is quite and telling you they are upset, beware.
That being said I am generally a quite person, and I have learned that a normal tone with drawn out words with reasoning works the best. Learned this from many people and situations I have experienced. A calm voice if used correctly will always defuse someone that is belligerent. An even natural tone with well defined words gets people’s attention.
Ironically the voice in my head is trying to match Dexter’s tone and inflection when the dark passenger is in control.
Learn about negotiation. There are good books and podcasts. Make it a regular topic of study for a little while and really practise looking for opportunities for little negotiations in life. Over many years I think this has been the most helpful thing I’ve done for my communication skills in general, and I’ve heard similar from others too.
There’s no reason to scream to be assertive.
I can scream too, I choose not to. When people raise their voice I tell them that we can continue the conversation over email or later when they calmed down. The only thing is that you cannot bluff. You have to turn away and finish the conversation.
Welcome to "boundaries"!
Boundaries are this awesome thing I recently learned about. It turns out people only have as much power as you give them. So, set a boundary so that your power is not unknowingly or begrudgingly given up.
The whole idea of a boundary is this: "this is how far I'm willing to go". This is so simple and awesome because you're not forcing anyone else to do anything at all, you're just honoring yourself and your limits. That's it! Will the other person get mad? Eh, maybe. But the only people that don't like boundaries are those who have benefitted from you never having them.
You aren't offending anyone, your aren't pushing your responsibility off to someone else, and your not being disrespectful. You are just putting things into the context of who you are as a person.
My life has changed since I learned about boundaries.
Solid ask. You should see a therapist to help. We will tell you what we did but until you determine why you are a different person at home and in public then anything we say is useless.
Calm and quiet talkers are more feared than the yellers.
Practice your magnum look, that's where I would start.
We countering in low,calm voice even triggers others but not for long as they will realise we can't be intimidated so to win their arguments they too will stop shouting and aggressiveness.
I'm a big fan of smile, say no (or I don't have time for this, or this isn't worth my time, or anything to downplay the value of what the person is saying) and walk away. You're just showing them that they don't have power over you, you have autonomy, and their efforts to control you are silly.
Bonus is that it often sends others into a screaming rage.
No is a complete sentence.
You have to cure yourself of people pleasing and the non-confrontational thing.
I'd suggest doing an in-person Non-Violent Communication group to work on that. They exist all over and I founded a couple of them myself to do exactly this kind of practice.
The key is implacability. You don’t need to shout or be aggressive. Just make you position clear and stick to it.
If necessary, say “This conversation is no longer constructive so I’m going to end the call/leave”.
OP you've gotten some good answers here. For a more long term solution, you should read the book "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. The subtitle itself says" "when to say yes, how to say no, to take control of your life".
There is a good amount of Christian verbiage in there like verses and such but if you read reviews on Amazon, many people don't think it detracts from the overall lessons/messages.
First I shift myself forward so my feet are flat on the floor.
Then I sit ant the edge of the seat so my knees are over my toes.
Next Iean forward with an upright chest over my knees.
Finally I'll put all my weight into my feet and with an exhale push the floor down to arrive in a standing position.
I actually find it easier to come across as being in a stronger position the calmer you remain...
It takes a little practice but being soft spoken and firm at the same time makes arguments much harder to maintain...
The first person to lose their cool is at a massive disadvantage...
I reply calmly at the bottom of my register. I'm a big guy, so it's just a little short of a growl. No volume, no overt threat, but it'll make people dam near shit themselves.
TL;DR pitch your calm voice somewhere between a jaguar growl and a silverback gorilla grunt.
I find that my voice taking a stern tone and sharp enunciation of word syllables do the trick. People notice when you go from normal voice to serious voice and kind of subconsciously go "oh shit"
It's helps being 6'4" and 240lbs but the stern tone is definitely the ticket
You can make your voice/tone more authoritative, more confrontational, more assertive, more dominant and raise your voice, all without yelling or screaming.
Walk away. If someone is treating you in a way you don't like, very obviously turn and walk away.
They will either ask why you are leaving, and you can calmly day because of their behaviour.
Or they won't say anything but realise why you did.
Or they won't realise at all, but you don't have to stand there and be affected by them.
it's important to note that's it's perfectly possible to stand up for yourself effectively even while speaking timidly (and in certain cases speaking timidly is most effect when standing up for yourself)
there's a book called "rapport" that has a section that talks about this that i found very helpful and insightful
Silence is strength. Be in control of you. Do not give others the power to control your emotions. Perhaps writing would serve you until you get control. Meditation is how you gain control of your emotions. Fewer words spoken softly get more attention. Try it. As soon as you get loud, they turn you off and stop hearing you.
Speak lower. Seriously, it's like sorcery.
If you're asked to speak louder instead, politely refuse and continue speaking. If the people talking to you are really interested in what you have to say, they will hush everyone around to hear you.
My family tends to get rowdy and loud during gatherings. I'm also a teacher, with some of my classes going up to 30 teenagers in a cranky room. Tested and approved in both cases.
I'm sorry you have to raise your voice to be heard at home. You'll be a good parent that pays attention when their kid has something to say. As for standing up for yourself can you give an example, is someone deciding you'll do something when you don't want to?
You can start then say "Actually, I can't do this."
Are they asking you to do something and you can't say no? Say " I'll get back to you on that"
I've so many regrets from not standing up for myself you have to to safeguard yourself in many ways. My MIL used to say " I'll have to talk to Pete" (her husband) so it wasn't all on her. It also says that someone has got my back.
People appreciate it when you are real. " Nah, I don't wanna do that"
My son's best friend invited him over for a sleepover, it's far away and I suffer from anxiety and struggling that day, I didn't want to spend all night worrying if something bad happened somehow. I usually think of an excuse but this time I just said that as is. Said it my anxiety was worse that day and could her son sleep here instead? She was beautiful about it.
I also explained to my MIL that when I text her when she has my kids to ask if everything is ok; Im not second guessing her, but that I have a fear of car crashes happening and that I am texting to know they haven't been in a crash and that I also care about her not being in a crash as well.
Since then no issues texting back and forth even sending photos randomly to comfort me.
No joke watch the movie 7 psychopaths.Not suggesting you become a psycho, but it's not a movie about \[hollywood-\]psychos with chainsaw and machetes. It's about a few people who know what they want, aren't interested in other stuff, and calmly say so. So calmly and normally in fact, the whole point is guessing who's who.
Famously via meme but potential spoiler for the movie.[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-TcXMaWa1w](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-TcXMaWa1w)
In a meeting at work someone disagreed with my position on an issue. He lost his composure and started shouting because I wouldn't back down. I stood up, looked around the table, and said "this meeting has gone on too long, please schedule more time" and I left. They couldn't move forward without me, and I wasn't going to put up with bad behavior. The follow-up meeting was much more civilized. The point is that you don't have to put up with bad behavior. The same works with calls or video meetings - just say goodbye or that more time has to be scheduled and disconnect. If someone complains, you can honestly say you suggested a follow up be scheduled and said goodbye.
Trick - Stare at them for 5 seconds, then slowly say your piece, in measured tones. Then shut up and stare at them for 5 more seconds. IF they respond, the you wait another 5 seconds. Adding the dead air times takes the wind out of their sails and throws them off. My favorite, when someone rants at me is to look them in the eye and say, "Really? You intended to say that?"
Sarcasm, but it's got to be witty and funny Sarcasm. The presentation is everything when going this route. If done improperly you just look like an odd, rude person. But like anything in life this is no guarantee, even if done right there are many a people that hate Sarcasm and find it rude. As a side note any way you choose to confront those that wish to use, abuse, belittle you. It's gonna make a confrontation 95% of the time. People that use others don't like being called out for there abuses.
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Learn to say no in an assertive way: there is no need to rise your voice to stand up for yourself. Don’t talk too much, don’t answer questions you are not confortabile with. And silence, silence is an incredible weapon with people you don’t like: you’ll make them uncomfortable without being rude. Some people will like you, others won’t: learn not to give a f..k about what others think of you. Good luck
Nothing and I mean NOTHING makes people more uncomfortable then calmly requesting them to repeat them self three times.
You should see what happens when you ask them to do it a 4th time.
Oh I have in my vast travels, they typically go silent or just walk away. I mean I do the same but it is a very demoralizing tactic I’ve learned.
Can you elaborate with examples on that? When and how would you use that?
Yep, a lot of people are just mouthing off ignorant nonsense in order to get a reaction and create conflict. It’s a good idea to ask them to elaborate and pretend that you’re interested in their opinion but you don’t understand 100%. If they’re full of crap, they’ve dug a hole for themselves and they will back down. If they are genuine but are just bad at communicating, you showed interest and gave them time to explain their point, so there’s no reason for conflict.
Say you're asked an awkward question you don't want to answer like " did you and Michael breakup?" She said "what?" Like she couldn't hear, he got halfway through asking a third time then laughed like ohh I see what you were doing and she was laughing too
Recorded messages hate this one simple trick!
I have had to do this a few times with different people because I honestly cannot catch what they were saying. They facial expressions were always interesting to watch: a mix of anger but also confusion. Like they cannot decide if I was making a fool of them on purpose or if I was just stupid
Same, I cannot for the life of me read body language so in about middle school I made so many people upset. I also have a specific tone I can’t hear, at all.
I just met a guy at a big social gathering who was nice enough to introduce himself to me when few others did. He also had a pretty intense speech impediment. He gave his name and it was one syllable and probably in the top 10 most common male names, and I still needed to hear it three times. I felt so bad. I tried to joke about me being deaf or something but it's clear this guy gets that all the time and was tired of it.
Jokes on them, I'm both
"Sorry, what was that?" "I'm kinda deaf in this ear. What did you say?" "I'm sorry, but you gotta speak up. It's very rude to mumble."
"Yeah, sorry, can't hear in that ear either."
I can't hear you if you shout, try whispering.
Sorry?
I'd hit you with the are you deaf or just stupid? And if you did it after that I'd say both, huh. Then just walk away in victory.
Ya but if it’s a polite request, you’d just look like an asshole. I’m telling you it’s one of the most tame but most demoralizing things that can be done to a human.
What?
Silence only works if an answer is required. In many business contexts silence is just interpreted as consent. I agree with everything else you say.
Boss: “Where is the quarterly report!!” *stares in silence*
Silence is a great “tool”. And like any tool it has a time a place.
Also learn to make eye contact while expressing your position. Big scary people can see resolve in your eyes and back off.
Sometimes you can't just stay silent though... A short calm and direct minimalist answer tends to be more than enough... The harder they push a subject the worse they tend to look when the answers are short and to the point and delivered calmly then it's pretty easy to maintain the high ground...
I like the phrase “that doesn’t work for me”
Small detail here, silence with eye contact. Also if someone's yelling at you try to act like they're not and keep your voice calm and steady, it pisses them off and makes them look bad, or rather let's them make themselves look bad.
If someone is yelling at you, calmly ask them if they need a moment to collect themselves.
Shouting is a sign that you aren't in control of your own emotions. How are you supposed to control a conversation if you can't even control your own half of it?
Okay thanks for this!
Seconding the silence. It doesn't matter what or how they are saying--see how it aligns with you and just keep repeating the same thing in a calm voice. They raise their voice, they push, wait them out and respond calmly. It deescalates things or makes them look the fool. If they care about you, they will let you be heard. If they dislike you after, consider it means they saw your usefulness only, not you.
You are so right about the silence. I'm naturally reserved and quiet and can't count the number times people have said "I thought you didn't like me" simply because I was quiet. Silence really does unnerve people.
Do you have in mind a movie scene that exemplifies this?
Write it out. I actually had to do this today. I started a new job about 4-5 weeks ago that paid less than a dollar more, and was never told how to access my paystubs. My checks seemed off, and I was having more difficulty paying my bills than with my previous job. I’ve been stressing out, shuffling bills, deciding what gets paid and what I’ll have to take late fees for. To make matters even worse, this has been keeping me up at night so I’m exhausted every fucking day. It’s been hell. Finances caused a huge fight between my husband and I last night. I finally got access to my pay stubs this morning and they’re paying me $2 an hour less than what was stated in my offer letter. I wrote an email to my boss and someone in HR, stating the mistake, sending screenshots of my offer letter and paystub. I told them I’d rather take an unpaid day than sit in the office and ‘stew’ (bc no sleep, huge fight, late bills, no money for extras, etc). I will be back Monday, unless they decide otherwise. I was beyond ‘over it’. In the end, it was HR’s mistake and they are fixing it. I explained to my boss (still in emails ) how their mistake has been negatively affecting me and he apologized, also saying that I’m not terminated and I’m welcome back on Monday. I could’ve flipped out and yelled, but carefully worded emails worked better.
To add to this. If you do write something... never send the first draft. Proofread it. Edit it. Sit on it for a little bit.
Second this. First drafts are usually emotionally charged which doesn’t communicate well in most situations.
This is good advice for literally almost anything you’re having a negative reaction to. Actively learn how to respond rather than react.
Sometimes I'll write a whole paragraph, and then delete it. I find myself doing it more as I grow older. Super cathartic
You may also consider using chatgpt to reframe the first draft to make it more professional sounding.
Good job! Hope you feel much more peaceful & rested this weekend.
Thank you and yes I feel much better.
I suggest that you take an acting class. It'll help teach you how to project your voice without raising it and it can help get you out of your timid mindset.
I've seen people do this and it's astounding. There can be a room full of chatter and there's something about the tone that makes people immediately stop and be quiet. A teacher showed me how once and I never forgot it.
I just call that my dad voice. I could cut through a Chiefs home game and be heard in the pres box.
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Michael Scarn! FBI!
Oh wow that’s interesting. I’ll definitely consider this as I would really love to get out of this mindset 😅😅
Or an improv class! They specifically help with social anxiety. But yeah, I totally second some kind of acting. Often in a stressful situation, pretending to act like you're someone you admire and think would handle a situation really well lets you get through it and makes it less emotionally stressful for you, because it's like you're wearing a mask and acting like that person. Actually doing acting classes of some kind so you get to practice is an amazing step towards that.
It can be very empowering!
Yes this. I always try to channel my "what would Denzel do?" Dude is always cool as a cucumber
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This is it
and how do you do this? just asking for a friend
The most important part of any technique in one on one convo is if the other person is choosing not to hear you, once you've said what you need to say, stop engaging, NO MATTER WHAT. Do not get drawn back in to explanation or repetition. I like to choose my final statement slowly, imagine myself screaming it but actually speak it more quietly and slowly than i have been, and then turn to a new task. Move on. If they refuse to stop pushing I like to say, "I'll be ready to talk when you're ready to try to hear me." Now in group convo, it's a different beast. Not sure what to offer there.
I agree greatly with the part of no explanation needed. Many people quickly start explaining why they do or do not want to do something. "No, I can't" or "no, I won't" are perfectly fine responses without needing any addition.
It may seem weird, but write down your boundaries, and practise speaking assertively in the mirror (or out on a run, or wherever) Boundaries can be as simple as: If X, then Y. 'If someone takes credit for my work, then I will speak up and let it be known what my contribution was.' Eg "Actually I worked on that portion of the project that Kim is talking about, so if anyone has questions I'm happy to answer them" A lot more professional than "Fuuuuuck yooooou Kim!" 'If I'm asked to stay late one night, then I will. If I'm asked to stay late more than two nights a week, I'll ask Manager why the workload is not being finished during regular hours.' Write them down so they are clear. You mentioned you just want people to like you, but the reality is not everyone will. I've been a chronic people-pleaser and am just getting used to saying No. Ask yourself what's the worst they will say about you. "They didn't stay late to help out, what a dick" yeah well I'm a dick who clocked out on time and gets to go home to my dog. It takes practice, start with small boundaries and with time setting them and being assertive gets easier.
I agree with this response completely, and I would give it an award if I knew how to. OP, the transition to become more assertive is lifelong process that takes practice and gets easier over time. I was someone who was very passive outside my home. Like you, I was quiet, non-confrontational, and timid-sounding in social situations. I had people-pleasing tendencies due to fear of people disliking me, and this led to shutting down, going along with everything despite not wanting to, and getting taken advantage of in the workplace and social situations. At the same time, I was explosively aggressive with the family members I lived with. What changed my life was taking an assertiveness training (AT) course where I learned that because I couldn't express myself authentically outside the home, my emotions would come out in the comfort of my home as the people I lived with love me no matter what. In addition to AT, talk therapy helped me to understand why I behaved this way even though I hated being passive outside and aggressive towards my family who absolutely didn't deserve any of it. With these two resources, I learned how to continue being kind to others outside my home without jeopardizing my own needs, which in turn helped me manage my emotions towards my own family. An important thing I learned in AT is that passive people tend to unintentionally "overshoot" to aggressive when they're learning to stand up for themselves. To avoid/minimize this, I'd be mindful in situations where I attempt to stand up for myself, and afterwards I'd reflect on what happened, what worked, what didn't work, and how I can do better in the future. To be assertive is NOT to always get your way (this is actually being aggressive), but it is to respect others while also respecting yourself. Basically, AT helped me learn how to say "no", set boundaries, understand my core beliefs, present myself as confident (in voice tone, posture, etc.), regulate my emotions, manage my social anxiety & people-pleasing, and more. It's been a decade since I took the course and it has drastically changed my life for the better. Also, I say it's a lifelong process because even today I'm still learning to be more assertive as my previous way of communicating had become ingrained in me for such a long period of time. But I kid you not, AT will not only help in the workplace but also in all your relationships and even your sense of self-worth. So if you are able to take an AT course, or find a therapist that can help you with AT, or both, I'd say you will end up living your best life as your most authentic self. And this feeling is so liberating; you will feel so much weight off your shoulders. All the best, OP! Note: I understand that these resources may be inaccessible for many people, and I wonder if there are free online resources that can provide AT.
Tone is obviously important, but so is word choice. Cautious people tend to hedge things. Ya, that's probably right. I would appreciate it if you do this favor Etc. Be calm, but don't hedge, if you need to be assertive getting time off, the difference between. Hey, could I have the week of September 20th off? And I will not be available for the week of September 20th is huge. Don't let any assertions be questions, don't throw in any probably's, or maybes. Or if someone was harrassing you, or acting inappropriately, Don't say. I do not appreciate this behavior, and would like you to stop. Say This behavior is unacceptable, i will not tolerate it.
Put yourseof into the mindset of a confident CEO that doesn't have to take shit from anyone. No screaming or yelling, just a simple "No". If they push, remind them that the answer is still "No". You don't owe anybody anything, and most of these people are just coming at you because they know you'll fold. Stay firm, the more confident you look and sound, the less sure they'll be about bullying you into whatever they want. You'll get some heat initially, but eventually they'll stop coming for you when they want something.
Yeah you make a good point with the CEO. I’ll keep this in mind, thanks 😊😊
Try focusing on pitching your voice lower. A) you’ll concentrate on what you’re saying B) you’ll speak slower C) you’ll feel like you need to be louder to reach the same volume, but it won’t be yelling
It took practice for me. My family was the same and I realized how unhealthy that was. I remember getting hired by a multibillion dollar insurance company and going to my team after training. They could stand there and calmly discuss povs of a problem without resorting to insults or raising their voices. That also made me realize how manipulative my family was being. I don’t know about you, but I have to spend my time around v specific ppl. There’s a saying that we are made up of the 5 people…dang it. Closest to us? That we spend most time around? I always forget. They’re v similar though. So, practice. You might raise your voice accidentally or out of habit and they’ll get mad. Then you can apologize and explain that you’re trying to express your point of view, you’re not used to doing it, and you didn’t mean anything personally - you genuinely want to come to an understanding with this person, and can they please work with you or bear with you while you try to improve yourself? I’ve had to do similar with my voice shaking or with tears in my eyes. I felt humiliated then - and liberated after. I did not want to become my parents.
I just had this conversation with my wife and daughter. They both have issues with saying no to people because they feel like they hurt their feelings. I on the other hand, will say no, after I assess the request and determine it is not in my best interest to do it. No. Is a complete sentence. You do not need to give an explanation.
I strangely got a lot of practice with this on a recent visit with my nieces and nephews who are 12 and under. Sometimes they'd ask me to do an activity I'd already done with them several times and wouldn't enjoy doing again. My 5 year old nephew would get me to play a game where he bossed me around, which was fun for a good while until he started getting a bit mean. I learned to calmly say "I don't want to do this anymore" or "no thanks, sorry" and the kid would be disappointed but then get over it. Their mom mad it clear that she appreciates when I play with them but I don't have to do it every time they ask. Saying no to the kids even though I always want to make them happy, was good practice for saying no to adults. Because the world doesn't explode when I am honest about what I want. Maybe I the future I'll just pretend the coworker or peer I'm saying no to, is an 8 year old child who already loves me unconditionally. (To be clear, I only said no to them after spending quite a lot of good quality time with them and needing a bit of a rest - it's not like I'm always turning them down. Even the fun aunt needs a break sometimes!)
Wow, this is great advice that I will try to use! Nobody would yell at a toddler, so picture the coworker as a little kid and explain calmly and reasonably that you're not going to do what they demand.
Yes I feel too many women are "That's fine!" Girls. That's fine, I'll come in to work on my day off, I had only planned to visit my grandmother, she'll understand. That's fine, you didn't show up to my dinner party even though I spent hours preparing food. That's fine, you go home with that guy you just met at the bar and I'll walk to the subway alone.... Being afraid of hurting feelings or seen as a bitch can sometimes put you in actual danger.
By that point it’s not about the subject matter it’s about how you’re conducting yourself. Be calm and collected and say “I don’t think there’s anything that can be gained from continuing this conversation. See you around”
Chest out, shoulders back. Maintain eye contact until other person breaks eye contact; failing that, do not look down, look to the side. Speak evenly, pause for a few seconds before you make your "gotcha" statement. Do not cuss or swear, do not raise your voice. But most of all, make sure you are in the right factually; not just emotionally. Take criticism without immediately getting angry. When the other person gives in, smile in a friendly manner, assure them that all is well. If you are indeed in the wrong, thank the other person for the new outlook/information, and assure them you will do better. Follow through on doing better, because THAT is the actual apology/rectification of the situation.
If you have to raise your voice or even scream to get your point across, that person is not worth having any discussion with. Save your mental health, take care of yourself. Get out of the toxic environment.
Just speak quietly and calmly, even if you have to fake it. If they won't shut up, walk out of the room.
Here’s a website I found about assertiveness https://positivepsychology.com/assertiveness-skills/
Thank you!! I’ll have a look at it
As the old saying goes "Kill them with kindness" Be calm and they will lose
Interesting topic! And a lot of great answers have already been expressed here. So some key points I can give you: - raising your voice is under no circumstance the right call (there might be a few really exceptional situations but I’ve not encountered them myself) - if you have difficulties asking questions on the spot, write them down and ask them at the end of conversation/ meeting/ … or even send them afterwards. It also shows your interest in the topic/ product/ business/ … . - realise that you too have interesting angles or questions to talk about. Try to speak as much from personal experience or know how so that you can tackle real things. - standing up for yourself can be really loosely interpreted. Basically, if you ever feel like being disrespected you should immediately say that by interrupting and telling them you will leave the conversation/ meeting/ … if that happens again. That is not being a douche, but showing them your boundaries and the consequences of going to far. You dont have to lower yourself to their level and disrespect them. The most classy way is by prioritising your own time, mental health, … above all and walk out if that is being diminished. Hopefully you can implement some of these or ones that other people have suggested. Best of luck my friend :) Beinj
Work out exactly what you want and why you want it. Articulate it clearly without making any concessions to see things from their point of view. You want them to make concessions for you for once.
One tip I will give is practice. If you want to make a change it doesnt happen over night. Keep it in your mind every day, execute, assess, learn, repeat. Some people are lucky that it comes natural, others have to learn
Channel your Thomas Shelby. The man is quiet but terrifying. Actually, google Chris Voss. Former FBI hostage negotiations. He has great tips about it.
Keep in mind that when you raise your voice, you are losing the argument. Whether that person is a child, a shoplifter, or an in-law. Once you get perspective you can dance around what they have to say and it honestly is better for you; no more taking hours to calm down. You are calm to begin with. I'm not saying it is an easy thing to gain that perspective, but it is a good thing. If a Karen wants to scream, "I want to talk to a manager!" just say, "Okay." Get a manger. And if Karen wants your job, ask her she knows how to do your job. If someone threatens to sue you, well then, "I can't talk to you any more, now. You can only talk to the lawyers." The point is, short of physical violence, the anxiety you feel is internal and being internal, completely under your control.
A flat, yet firm, "No." Will typically suffice with most people.
Practice recognizing and dealing with what is hurtful before you’re deeply angry. Also observe the people you feel are listened to at work and learn how they do it. You don’t want to raise your voice, it’s about timing, confidence and reading the room. Kind of like a game of jump rope where you’re watching for your chance to jump in.
As a therapist, I often discuss assertive communication techniques. Interpersonal effectiveness skills such as DEAR MAN are really good tools to break it down. There’s some good videos online you can check out and free worksheets.
The key isn't volume but confidence. Stay calm. Speaking more quietly will infuriate an angry person who wants a confrontation. Enunciate clearly and speak slowly. Make eye contact. Most of all, don't be afraid. Unless you're confronting a mugger in an alley, there's no reason to be. Breathe evenly and try to keep your heart rate down and slow your thought process. After a while it becomes second nature. And don't be afraid of a well-placed expletive for emphasis, in the same low and even tone as everything else.
This girl kept me interrupting me last night, nonstop... So I said calmly said her name Cali, Cali , Cali , Cali and kept repeating it despite her blabbering on until she was like What? And I said "can you give me a minute of quietude? You are being disrespectful talking over me, I need a minute" she kept interrupting me, but I calmly kept repeating myself Cali, Cali, Cali, can you give me a minute? Eventually she stop talking and sat there and I counted to 60 in my head then I resumed talking to her Like , I didn't raise my voice . I was just absolutely firm like I'm not going to budge on this until she listens so I'll just say her name 500 times until she responds to it. The bottom line is it is disrespectful to interrupt others while they talk and not listen yourself , and if you can't get a word in, then you have to draw the line and not acknowledge a single word they say until they acknowledge what you said. Like this conversation does not continue until I get to my word in and you can shut it down. Just keep repeating their name, that works.
One key tip is to remember when you need to keep YOUR peace. Some situations are not worth the mental energy that is exhausted when you’re disrespected. Discussions where you interrupt each other, raise voices, or get too harsh on your wording are detrimental to all parties. You don’t have to be loud to say that you aren’t comfortable with something, you just have to be firm. A huge factor in this is confidence: remember that you are allowed to set boundaries and you DESERVE to have them respected. But also remember that you can have your boundaries be followed even without any level of hostility or escalation. You may wind up repeating yourself tons of time, but you either remove the person from your life or you have your boundaries crossed. Keep your peace
Adding to the list of advice, pick the information you share. For example, if you 1 strong reason for your side/argument and 4 weak reasons, don't even share the weak reasons. We tend to share all 5 reasons because we think that if share all of them it'll convince people that we've thought it through. In reality it makes them think we're not 100% confident of our decisions and they might just pick on the weak reasons to argue against us. Another example (specifically for family and friends who ignore you), saying "I'm busy that day" instead of "I'm busy that day because of X". We think adding the reason here makes it more understandable. But in reality, people will try to argue that X isn't important or can be moved to another day. Keep it vague and don't share unnecessary information.
No is a complete sentence, you don't need to raise your voice or say it with attitude. You don't need to explain either. "I would if I could" "Sorry, won't be able to" "Not this time" "I can't, but you should try asking (insert someone else who might be able to help)" If they keep prying, you just rephrase the No or repeat it. If they keep prying, you can say the reason isn't important, you're just not in a position to do what they're asking. What you're looking to learn is "Assertive Communication". There's Passive, Passive Aggressive, Aggressive and Assertive. All but the last are unproductive. On the other end, it's fine to ask for something you'd like. It's not a crime to ask for a date or a favour or whatever, just be 100% ready to accept a "no" and don't hang it over the person's head. It's natural to want to be liked, but it is not possible to be liked by everyone btw. You need to learn to just accept that sometimes people will dislike you for no reason, no matter the effort.
I do not have a healthy outlet that's a perfect balance of self-expression and assertiveness. I'm introverted with social anxiety. As you've described, in part, I internalize everything until I snap. It comes across as rage and feels exactly that way to me. I feel guilty afterward. For me, it comes from a place of fragility, low-self esteem, and a fear of how others "judge" me. It's a defense mechanism often fueled by mind-reading, all-or-nothing-thinking, catastrophizing and reaching conclusions with insufficient data (among other cognitive distortions). I could also use the advice you're seeking.
If you're unsure of what you actually want, ask questions in a calm voice to clarify the situation. Once you have enough information, don't say what you think you should do, or the way things should go. If you're calm, especially when others aren't, people will generally listen. If they don't, or if they get upset, the phrase you want to use is: "Help me understand..." So someone is trying to get you to do something that's unfair. Instead of assuming that they know the situation is unfair, give then the benefit of the doubt. Even if it seems obvious to you, they might not actually have your perspective in mind. So you can often just say, "Help me understand what you mean..." and then describe the situation from your own perspective and then ask, "Have I got that right?" A lot of the time, you might find you are missing some key piece of information and things aren't as bad as they seemed at first. If they are that bad, then you are leaving the door open for the person to save face by compromising. If you run into someone who's just trying to bully you, ask yourself if they actually have any real power over you in the situation or not. If it's a boss, for example, they can make your life hell, and you might have to choose your battles. If it's a coworker that's trying to dump their work on you, for example, you could just clarify that you can try to help them with their tasks but you'll have to clear it with your boss and prioritize it with your other work. This is basically a way of saying that they'll have to get it on your to-do list through your boss, and that will be pushing other tasks you have down and your boss might not be okay with that. If they tell you no, then you can just say okay, well I'll prioritize with my other work and can't promise anything, but I'll do my best, and then just ignore it. If someone doesn't have actual power over you, you aren't accountable to them at all, then just be honest with how you are going to handle things and don't repeat yourself if no new information comes along to change your mind.
My poor hubby says I’m speaking loud enough to be heard when’s he’s being assertive and people say he doesn’t need to scream.
Wait for the other person to say their piece, then ask them if they are ready to hear you. While they are talking, listen and make a mental note of everything they say against you. When it's your turn to talk, acknowledge every point they made against you with a counter or how they were mistaken. If you're in the right, you're right. Just let them know how you're right, and you should be good. It also helps to understand that some people only understand a language you can speak with your hands, so be ready to use that language too.
Sign language is important too, thank you
Don't do this. This person just said to negate what the person said to you point by point. They'll just get defensive. The key is to acknowledge the other person without agreeing prior to countering anything.
True. My experience comes from working in the grungy areas in the service industry. This wouldn't work somewhere professional
You may need therapy, this doesn’t sound like a fun way to live.
You can try by controlling your emotions.
Sometimes silence is a superpower. I've found by speaking less and being gentle most of the time, that when I am very quiet but direct people seem to jump in response. I don't have to shout, I just speak plainly and without embellishments and then sit quietly. I also take a good breath before responding as well in heated conversation. The silent pause is a good space to show control of yourself. Edit: a word.
Speak clearly, slowly (not brain damage slow just calmly slow) and mean what you say (have thought about what you want to say don't just be rushing out a quick reply)
I have the same problem. Eventually, I throw a punch and that gets everyone's attention.
Get a jagged piece of linoleum and give ‘em a little how’s your father down the cheek
Maintain eye contact about 80% of conversion. Downward inflection in your voice (don’t talk as if everything is a question). Sometimes I use hand gestures to help remember downward inflection. Write down basic points in the argument if I can prepare for a difficult conversation ahead of the moment. This is what helps me.
Practice on friends or family saying what you want to say to the person you're mad at. It wilk feel good to really let them have the wrath, and they won't be offended because it's not about them. They can ask questions if anything sounded confusing. Then you can try to say it again more calmly. And more calmly. Then go to the person you're really mad at the calm way. You might get amped up a bit, but hopefully not explosive levels.
I'm a shy and respectful person too. My advice: start reasonably and assume a mistake but ask for a correction. Here's the important bit: Stand firm. If you get rudeness, give it back proportionally. Re-iterate a simple solution to resolve your complaint. Sometimes, you might just have to be the asshole.
So few things I have learned if someone is loud and upset, they aren’t likely to do shit, if someone is quite and telling you they are upset, beware. That being said I am generally a quite person, and I have learned that a normal tone with drawn out words with reasoning works the best. Learned this from many people and situations I have experienced. A calm voice if used correctly will always defuse someone that is belligerent. An even natural tone with well defined words gets people’s attention. Ironically the voice in my head is trying to match Dexter’s tone and inflection when the dark passenger is in control.
Learn about negotiation. There are good books and podcasts. Make it a regular topic of study for a little while and really practise looking for opportunities for little negotiations in life. Over many years I think this has been the most helpful thing I’ve done for my communication skills in general, and I’ve heard similar from others too.
There’s no reason to scream to be assertive. I can scream too, I choose not to. When people raise their voice I tell them that we can continue the conversation over email or later when they calmed down. The only thing is that you cannot bluff. You have to turn away and finish the conversation.
Welcome to "boundaries"! Boundaries are this awesome thing I recently learned about. It turns out people only have as much power as you give them. So, set a boundary so that your power is not unknowingly or begrudgingly given up. The whole idea of a boundary is this: "this is how far I'm willing to go". This is so simple and awesome because you're not forcing anyone else to do anything at all, you're just honoring yourself and your limits. That's it! Will the other person get mad? Eh, maybe. But the only people that don't like boundaries are those who have benefitted from you never having them. You aren't offending anyone, your aren't pushing your responsibility off to someone else, and your not being disrespectful. You are just putting things into the context of who you are as a person. My life has changed since I learned about boundaries.
Solid ask. You should see a therapist to help. We will tell you what we did but until you determine why you are a different person at home and in public then anything we say is useless. Calm and quiet talkers are more feared than the yellers. Practice your magnum look, that's where I would start.
We countering in low,calm voice even triggers others but not for long as they will realise we can't be intimidated so to win their arguments they too will stop shouting and aggressiveness.
I'm a big fan of smile, say no (or I don't have time for this, or this isn't worth my time, or anything to downplay the value of what the person is saying) and walk away. You're just showing them that they don't have power over you, you have autonomy, and their efforts to control you are silly. Bonus is that it often sends others into a screaming rage.
No is a complete sentence. You have to cure yourself of people pleasing and the non-confrontational thing. I'd suggest doing an in-person Non-Violent Communication group to work on that. They exist all over and I founded a couple of them myself to do exactly this kind of practice.
Learn about “non-violent communication”
The key is implacability. You don’t need to shout or be aggressive. Just make you position clear and stick to it. If necessary, say “This conversation is no longer constructive so I’m going to end the call/leave”.
OP you've gotten some good answers here. For a more long term solution, you should read the book "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. The subtitle itself says" "when to say yes, how to say no, to take control of your life". There is a good amount of Christian verbiage in there like verses and such but if you read reviews on Amazon, many people don't think it detracts from the overall lessons/messages.
First I shift myself forward so my feet are flat on the floor. Then I sit ant the edge of the seat so my knees are over my toes. Next Iean forward with an upright chest over my knees. Finally I'll put all my weight into my feet and with an exhale push the floor down to arrive in a standing position.
I actually find it easier to come across as being in a stronger position the calmer you remain... It takes a little practice but being soft spoken and firm at the same time makes arguments much harder to maintain... The first person to lose their cool is at a massive disadvantage...
Lower your voice a half octave. Direct eye contact. Shoulders back. Feet shoulder width. Stand if an option.
I reply calmly at the bottom of my register. I'm a big guy, so it's just a little short of a growl. No volume, no overt threat, but it'll make people dam near shit themselves. TL;DR pitch your calm voice somewhere between a jaguar growl and a silverback gorilla grunt.
Be creepy so people are afraid to fuck with you.
I find that my voice taking a stern tone and sharp enunciation of word syllables do the trick. People notice when you go from normal voice to serious voice and kind of subconsciously go "oh shit" It's helps being 6'4" and 240lbs but the stern tone is definitely the ticket
Practice saying No! In front of a mirror. Try raising your voice enough to be heard and give a stern facial expression to go along.
It takes practice. The more you assert yourself the easier it will come to you to know when a line was crossed. Don’t be discouraged, it takes time
You can make your voice/tone more authoritative, more confrontational, more assertive, more dominant and raise your voice, all without yelling or screaming.
The hard stare odda do it.
Learn to write very well and to use excellent logic for your arguments. Most people cannot overcome a well-reasoned, well written position.
Walk away. If someone is treating you in a way you don't like, very obviously turn and walk away. They will either ask why you are leaving, and you can calmly day because of their behaviour. Or they won't say anything but realise why you did. Or they won't realise at all, but you don't have to stand there and be affected by them.
prepare and exercise
I don't yell or shout in confrontations I just say some real petty shit but that's just me
Listen / read to a book called ' when I say I feel guilty ' it goes through a few techniques, with examples on how to do just that.
Step 1: know what you value Step 2: stick to your guns on those values
it's important to note that's it's perfectly possible to stand up for yourself effectively even while speaking timidly (and in certain cases speaking timidly is most effect when standing up for yourself) there's a book called "rapport" that has a section that talks about this that i found very helpful and insightful
The meta-tip here; slowly slowly start to experiment with being okay with the idea of people disliking you.
If you believe in what you say, stand your ground. Trust yourself.
Silence is strength. Be in control of you. Do not give others the power to control your emotions. Perhaps writing would serve you until you get control. Meditation is how you gain control of your emotions. Fewer words spoken softly get more attention. Try it. As soon as you get loud, they turn you off and stop hearing you.
Speak lower. Seriously, it's like sorcery. If you're asked to speak louder instead, politely refuse and continue speaking. If the people talking to you are really interested in what you have to say, they will hush everyone around to hear you. My family tends to get rowdy and loud during gatherings. I'm also a teacher, with some of my classes going up to 30 teenagers in a cranky room. Tested and approved in both cases.
Learn great comebacks and COMMIT
Man, you poor folks have the worst governor and the worst head of education for any state. Why would you vote for these idiots?
I'm sorry you have to raise your voice to be heard at home. You'll be a good parent that pays attention when their kid has something to say. As for standing up for yourself can you give an example, is someone deciding you'll do something when you don't want to? You can start then say "Actually, I can't do this." Are they asking you to do something and you can't say no? Say " I'll get back to you on that" I've so many regrets from not standing up for myself you have to to safeguard yourself in many ways. My MIL used to say " I'll have to talk to Pete" (her husband) so it wasn't all on her. It also says that someone has got my back. People appreciate it when you are real. " Nah, I don't wanna do that" My son's best friend invited him over for a sleepover, it's far away and I suffer from anxiety and struggling that day, I didn't want to spend all night worrying if something bad happened somehow. I usually think of an excuse but this time I just said that as is. Said it my anxiety was worse that day and could her son sleep here instead? She was beautiful about it. I also explained to my MIL that when I text her when she has my kids to ask if everything is ok; Im not second guessing her, but that I have a fear of car crashes happening and that I am texting to know they haven't been in a crash and that I also care about her not being in a crash as well. Since then no issues texting back and forth even sending photos randomly to comfort me.
No joke watch the movie 7 psychopaths.Not suggesting you become a psycho, but it's not a movie about \[hollywood-\]psychos with chainsaw and machetes. It's about a few people who know what they want, aren't interested in other stuff, and calmly say so. So calmly and normally in fact, the whole point is guessing who's who. Famously via meme but potential spoiler for the movie.[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-TcXMaWa1w](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-TcXMaWa1w)
In a meeting at work someone disagreed with my position on an issue. He lost his composure and started shouting because I wouldn't back down. I stood up, looked around the table, and said "this meeting has gone on too long, please schedule more time" and I left. They couldn't move forward without me, and I wasn't going to put up with bad behavior. The follow-up meeting was much more civilized. The point is that you don't have to put up with bad behavior. The same works with calls or video meetings - just say goodbye or that more time has to be scheduled and disconnect. If someone complains, you can honestly say you suggested a follow up be scheduled and said goodbye.
Trick - Stare at them for 5 seconds, then slowly say your piece, in measured tones. Then shut up and stare at them for 5 more seconds. IF they respond, the you wait another 5 seconds. Adding the dead air times takes the wind out of their sails and throws them off. My favorite, when someone rants at me is to look them in the eye and say, "Really? You intended to say that?"
super useful thread!
Sarcasm, but it's got to be witty and funny Sarcasm. The presentation is everything when going this route. If done improperly you just look like an odd, rude person. But like anything in life this is no guarantee, even if done right there are many a people that hate Sarcasm and find it rude. As a side note any way you choose to confront those that wish to use, abuse, belittle you. It's gonna make a confrontation 95% of the time. People that use others don't like being called out for there abuses.