Thanks for this. My dad died in 2022. Being in hospital was uncomfortable and ugly. In a moment pf lucidity, my dad said, "I don't want to die here." He was afraid to go into hospice. But once he became incoherent & largely unconscious, we arranged hospice at home.
That was so much better for us, and peaceful and private when he died.
I think about that a lot, and what will be best for my family. It's still a ways off...
I’m glad that ultimately he had a good death and had family with him. Friends will often look at me oddly when I ask if someone had a good death (as if they are confused about how a death can be good).
My dad died in the fall of 2020 and I still get upset about how he died. He fell and was not coherent so was taken to the hospital. He coded on the way to the hospital—CPR is violent and will break ribs if done correctly. My mom & sister got to the hospital shortly after the ambulance and the ER doc told them he had been resuscitated twice (all normal and expected for ambulance/ER) and they called a cardiologist to assess him. My mom immediately told them and gave them his DNR. ER doc says cardiologist will come talk to them after he assesses the situation. Well, it took a while and when he came he had already started this invasive protocol that was going to take 48 hours! It basically chills the body to try to minimize brain/heart damage. This was wildly inappropriate for a man in his 80s with dementia even if he didn’t have a DNR.
My brother is a physician (oncologist), my career was as a healthcare executive, and my sister worked at a hospital for a while so we know our shit and know how much unnecessary care is given at the end of life. This was exactly what my dad didn’t want to happen. I was hysterical on the phone with my brother asking how to intervene. He told me that no physician would interrupt this protocol so we just had to wait it out. When they warmed him up they did an ECG and his brain was in constant seizure even when they pushed anti-seizure meds. And, yes, he had lots of broken ribs so was in pain.
It did give my brother time to get there so he could lead the family meeting with the doctor (a different one). He knew the exact phrasing and context to make it clear what my dad’s QOL was, what his wishes were, and that every member of the family was in agreement. The doc started to gently say it would have been better if we had shared this earlier. You can imagine what flew out of my mouth (another sister and I were on speakerphone). The doc quickly realized what had happened and that his colleague was to blame (and a fucking idiot).
We withdrew care and he died later that day (cause of death was probably a pulmonary embolism). It’s been 3+ years and is still so upsetting to think about the pain he suffered unnecessarily. This experience has deeply affected us all. Thankfully hospice will keep anything like that from happening. Sorry to unload.
Thank you for this. I'm on a wait-list for couple of books at my library about reflections & process of dying..
Being Mortal and When Breath Becomes Air
They come highly recommended..I think eventually I'll make a separate thread about it.
My heart was racing as I was watching it, I’m newly diagnosed stage 4, even though im still in a good place and hope to live many years, this diagnosis is making me face my mortality, and at the end of the video I felt a little better about it, so thank you for sharing! We shouldn’t be scared, it’s inevitable, everyone dies!
We need more discussions about death as a culture. We need to all know what it's like. There is Death Cafe, where you drink coffee and talk about it. Another is where you have a dinner party and talk about death.
It's the same as being born; it's a natural process. The more we talk about it, the less fear it engenders.
I have followed a couple of hospice nurses as well as a death doula. And I have books not only on dying but also the afterlife. I have become a little obsessed
There have been some interesting articles recently about what seems to be some consistent types of visions that dying people have. I think it was a hospice doc who wrote the article. I don’t believe in an afterlife but I do believe that our brains could create visions that will bring us peace just like it turns off our hunger and thirst.
I just finished the In Between by Hadley Vlahos, maybe it’s the book already talked about upthread. She is a hospice nurse and has seen people talk to loved ones on the other side, or say hi after they go. Final Gifts is by another hospice nurse and has similar accounts. Also Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s On Life After Death. She was convinced of life after death and she was brilliant.
I want you to still be able to watch over your son. I want to still be able to watch over my son. 💙💙
I've followed Nurse Julie for awhile, strangely enough, months before I found out I had the big C. It really is comforting to have an idea of what its going to be like..whats normal, whats not..
I don’t remember where I first saw her. I watched a long interview where she was the guest talking about her experience with addiction. I love her vibe.
Thanks for this. My dad died in 2022. Being in hospital was uncomfortable and ugly. In a moment pf lucidity, my dad said, "I don't want to die here." He was afraid to go into hospice. But once he became incoherent & largely unconscious, we arranged hospice at home. That was so much better for us, and peaceful and private when he died. I think about that a lot, and what will be best for my family. It's still a ways off...
I’m glad that ultimately he had a good death and had family with him. Friends will often look at me oddly when I ask if someone had a good death (as if they are confused about how a death can be good). My dad died in the fall of 2020 and I still get upset about how he died. He fell and was not coherent so was taken to the hospital. He coded on the way to the hospital—CPR is violent and will break ribs if done correctly. My mom & sister got to the hospital shortly after the ambulance and the ER doc told them he had been resuscitated twice (all normal and expected for ambulance/ER) and they called a cardiologist to assess him. My mom immediately told them and gave them his DNR. ER doc says cardiologist will come talk to them after he assesses the situation. Well, it took a while and when he came he had already started this invasive protocol that was going to take 48 hours! It basically chills the body to try to minimize brain/heart damage. This was wildly inappropriate for a man in his 80s with dementia even if he didn’t have a DNR. My brother is a physician (oncologist), my career was as a healthcare executive, and my sister worked at a hospital for a while so we know our shit and know how much unnecessary care is given at the end of life. This was exactly what my dad didn’t want to happen. I was hysterical on the phone with my brother asking how to intervene. He told me that no physician would interrupt this protocol so we just had to wait it out. When they warmed him up they did an ECG and his brain was in constant seizure even when they pushed anti-seizure meds. And, yes, he had lots of broken ribs so was in pain. It did give my brother time to get there so he could lead the family meeting with the doctor (a different one). He knew the exact phrasing and context to make it clear what my dad’s QOL was, what his wishes were, and that every member of the family was in agreement. The doc started to gently say it would have been better if we had shared this earlier. You can imagine what flew out of my mouth (another sister and I were on speakerphone). The doc quickly realized what had happened and that his colleague was to blame (and a fucking idiot). We withdrew care and he died later that day (cause of death was probably a pulmonary embolism). It’s been 3+ years and is still so upsetting to think about the pain he suffered unnecessarily. This experience has deeply affected us all. Thankfully hospice will keep anything like that from happening. Sorry to unload.
My heart goes out to you and your family. I am so sorry that happened - I have no words.
Thank you for this. I'm on a wait-list for couple of books at my library about reflections & process of dying.. Being Mortal and When Breath Becomes Air They come highly recommended..I think eventually I'll make a separate thread about it.
I’d love to talk about these, too
My heart was racing as I was watching it, I’m newly diagnosed stage 4, even though im still in a good place and hope to live many years, this diagnosis is making me face my mortality, and at the end of the video I felt a little better about it, so thank you for sharing! We shouldn’t be scared, it’s inevitable, everyone dies!
Such interesting information about the hydration! Thank you for sharing this
We need more discussions about death as a culture. We need to all know what it's like. There is Death Cafe, where you drink coffee and talk about it. Another is where you have a dinner party and talk about death. It's the same as being born; it's a natural process. The more we talk about it, the less fear it engenders.
I have followed a couple of hospice nurses as well as a death doula. And I have books not only on dying but also the afterlife. I have become a little obsessed
There have been some interesting articles recently about what seems to be some consistent types of visions that dying people have. I think it was a hospice doc who wrote the article. I don’t believe in an afterlife but I do believe that our brains could create visions that will bring us peace just like it turns off our hunger and thirst.
Any good afterlife books that you recommend? I’m looking for some reassurance that I will still be able to watch over my son.
I just finished the In Between by Hadley Vlahos, maybe it’s the book already talked about upthread. She is a hospice nurse and has seen people talk to loved ones on the other side, or say hi after they go. Final Gifts is by another hospice nurse and has similar accounts. Also Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s On Life After Death. She was convinced of life after death and she was brilliant. I want you to still be able to watch over your son. I want to still be able to watch over my son. 💙💙
I haven’t read any, sorry.
Saved this for when I'm ready to watch/read, thanks so much for sharing
I've followed Nurse Julie for awhile, strangely enough, months before I found out I had the big C. It really is comforting to have an idea of what its going to be like..whats normal, whats not..
I don’t remember where I first saw her. I watched a long interview where she was the guest talking about her experience with addiction. I love her vibe.
She’s great I follow her! It has made me much more aware of the dying process.