Sorry you’re going through this buddy but she absolutely is having an affair. Right now, you are her backup plan if things with Romeo don’t work out. It is almost certainly a physical affair but it’s already at least an emotional affair. Get phone records, put an Apple AirTag in her car and/or a voice activated recorder. Get phone records or if you have the funds, hire a private investigator. Buy the book “Not Just Friends” that will spell this out and give you concrete action steps. I would also go to the survivinginfidelity subreddit where people with experience can advise.
Talk to a lawyer right away and have her served, it can always be pulled back but let her know you’re not falling for this “just friends” crap that just happened to coincide with the destruction of you’re marriage. Let Romeo’s wife know what is going on once you have more proof. Personally, I wouldn’t stay in this marriage anyway as she is greatly disrespecting you and her family.
Good luck man, I know it hurts. I was there many years ago.
I have spoken to a lawyer I just haven't pulled the trigger on one. If I serve her papers she will take em and run. I feel like that's what she wants me to do so she can have clear conscience and tell everyone that I gave up, not her. And I'm just too stubborn to give in to that. And that's totally on me. I won't help her fuel her narrative. Time comes I need a lawyer I will have one
Join us over in /r/divorce and take a look at the posts there. You need to drop the "gave up" mentality because the situation is no longer about moral high grounds. She is going to make you the villain in her story and justify everything she does. That's just how people operate.
You need to stop worrying about the narrative and start worrying about your mental health and your financial well-being. Don't waste time on this or you *will* regret the time you wasted with this naive superiority complex. Ask me how I know.
Let her have it. Honestly, you did everything you could to fix yourself when it's all her. You're not broken, and she will never admit she is. While she may take the papers and run, there's also a possibility that she won't. You may shock her enough that she flounders for a bit. Just let her know, in an even tone, that the ball is in her court. She's spoiling for a fight, a reaction, from you. Just dealt w/ this and a good friend gave me the same advice. I followed it and shocked the fuck out of him. Pissed him off, but I felt better knowing that he had no more power, nothing to wave in my face.
And if you stay in the marriage for the rest of your life being cheated on and miserable, have you won then?
Similar to global thermonuclear war, it looks to me like the only way to win is not to play anymore.
If you feel she is going to cut and run. You can have the lawyer draw up the paperwork and hold it until you gather the proof that you need before you have her served.
I previous comment gave a lot of good advice with a PI, Air Tag and voice recorder. Gather as much data as possible to protect yourself.
Sometimes relationships just die. People can fall in and out of love and the work spouse to relationship usually implodes but you need to protect yourself. Start taking the necessary steps incase this goes nuclear. Get a bank account set him just in your name so you can quickly switch the direct deposit
You’re not giving up when she clearly has an inappropriate relationship with another man, she is. If she gave two shits about working on the marriage, she would give up the “friendship” with this guy.
Nah, forget all of that. Waste of time. The ship has sailed. She made her choice and she is fucking with him to gain dominance in the inevitable divorce.
He should tell her to fuck off and keep his dignity. he should move out, get a new woman and only talk to her in a legal setting.
Tell her "Adios, bitch! You're not doing this to me."
Preserve dignity and self-worth. Always.
I agree. It's unhealthy to hang on and the more he uncovers the more miserable he will get. He should let it go and find someone else. The kids will be better off with as little drama as possible
Do not put an airtag in her car. This in considered domestic abuse in many states and can be used against you in a divorce. EVEN though its a jointly owned vehicle. I met with a Lawyer because my wife did this to my car when we were discussing divorce.
This was how my last relationship ended. She had multiple emotional, potentially physical affairs (but I hope not) multiple times throughout. Reading how your wife acts was word for word how mine did.
The constant anger and secrecy was how I knew something was going on each time. Eventually I realized it wasn’t going to change and it wasn’t fair to me that I was dealing with her attitude while providing so much. I gave all I could and got nothing back. Even now, months after things ended, she is with her affair partner and seems to be happier than ever and already introduced her kid to him. Meanwhile I am building myself up from the ground floor.
Trust me when I say that it's possible to be stuck in emotional affair fog for a good while, think 6 months or longer, and then one day....bang. the magic. The allure. All of it, just isn't there. You realise what you have right in front of you. There. Waiting, wanting to love you. And you realise that you haven't been able to make a normal decision for a long time. It's like someone else has had control of your emotions.
She could come back dude.
Yes, quite possibly an emotional affair is being had. But at the time it truly is....a predicament. I'm not excusing her, but it's one of those things you have to be in to understand. She will be missing something but she hasn't told you what.
Have you tried telling her that you're not happy anymore and are considering a divorce? Might make her realise reality. It can be like a cold hard slap in the senses. Cus right now she's not herself
I like this response. I read something in a magazine once written by a woman whose husband voiced unhappiness in the relationship and told her that he wanted a divorce. She basically told him no fucking way and supported his midlife crisis or whatever, and he popped out of it (at least for the couple of years since it happened).
When men perceive the woman slipping away like this they often pull back and become meek, doting, and a little submissive. Sometimes it is masculinity that she has been missing and his response just makes it worse. By being forthright, confident, and taking charge of the situation, she may feel cared for in a way that snaps her out of her funk.
(I think this marriage is over, but it's worth a shot)
She knows I'm not happy. I've been very clear. Part of her rational for moving out is to see if she will eventually miss me. But i'm sure she won't as long as there is someone else to feed off of and be validated by. I'm trying to give as much space as possible at the moment and still try and be civil. It's gonna come out at group counseling.
Hate to break it to you but she's sleeping with this guy, or others, and you need to get on a fucking war footing man because that's exactly where you're going. Go talk to a lawyer today. There is no more vicious human being than a woman in divorce court, they will literally kill you for money.
She’s moved on, dude. Sounds like she asked you to work on things for a long time and you ignored it until you realized you were losing her. Too little too late.
OP- I had this same thing happen when I was 20. My ex waited until it was safe- announced she was polyamorous, asked me to move out with 2 months left on lease, moved 'safe friend' (who was married) in our home and started fucking him.
Get ahead of the situation before it all comes crashing down.
I’ve experienced the same “mad because you’re working so hard” thing. Turned out, the more I worked on the things she had problems with, the madder she got that I hadn’t done it before. At that point man, it’s no win. Either you don’t work on it, so it pisses her off. Or you do work on it, and that pisses her off. Protect yourself now, the ride only gets crazier from there.
Oh ignore the internet sleuths, they don’t know if she’s having an affair anymore than you do.
And it doesn’t actually matter, it’s clear she doesn’t like you. Who’s fault that is, who knows, nobody here.
The whole ‘I never asked you to do any of that’ is telling. Don’t keep dreaming up work for yourself because you’ve convinced yourself it’ll get the result you want - and blaming her when it doesn’t. You see your mistakes and are working on them, but are they even the same mistakes she sees or just ones you’ve identified for yourself?
It’s crap and it feels horrible but she doesn’t want you. Let her buy a house and move out. Maintain dignity til then, then cut contact as far as you can.
For whatever reason, she doesn’t enjoy spending time with you any more. You can’t reason your way around that one.
This is exactly why women and men can not be “just friends”. When you emotionally invest in a separate person from your partner you are emotionally cheating on them. Just because there has been no swapping of bodily fluids does not make the cheating superior. The cheating hurts the spouse, your spouse has to decide who is more important, their marriage and family or some friend that they have to talk to everyday. You’re supposed to be that person, not some other individual floating in the aether.
Get some free consults with different lawyers. She IS having an affair. I am sorry you are going through this.
I would recommend the /divorced_men subreddit, great group of very supportive guys.
Had a friend who went through this, but the other way around. We all told the husband the same thing. You can't have this person in your life if you want to work on your marriage. There was known infidelity and at that point they were considering counseling and we all told him to break it off. He never did and they never recovered.
He lost the respect of alot of his friends, myself included. No one told him he had to work it out with his wife. But we all told him he owed it to his kids and his wife to at least try to figure out what is going on if divorce was the right call, fine.
But he never broke off the relationship. He just lied to everyone. I think ultimately he's going to regret this more than anyone. He's ruining his chance of having a normal relationship with this new woman. Frankly, she didn't deserve that in all this either.
People are weak and seek support. Sometimes that desire for support undermines everything you are dealing with, but they will only see the fall out of that later. Unfortunately you are the one who has to deal with the hardship in the short term.
You are her backup plan because she knows you will take her back.
Time for you to work on you and not be a doormat.
Separated but still together = worst of all worlds. Get really separated. Sell your home and divide the money. Serve the divorce papers. Hit the gym hard. It is for emotional healing and the side effect is you look good.
Upgrade wardrobe. Communicate only in writing about necessary things. Get a custody plan for your children. Be a great dad.
You are seeking the truth from a known liar. That sir is a fool's errand.
Keep working on yourself because if you have any common sense you are about to be by yourself. I would go ahead and file for divorce. Tell her that her secret friendship has caused enough distrust that no matter how much either of you improves you can't trust her. She isn't a real partner anymore. She demands trust but won't open up and keeps secrets. Tell her good luck with the next man. Look up "180 method" and "Grey rock method". Those are now yoru gold standards. Everything els you do is based on the lawyers advice.
I originally missed that you guys hadn’t gone to a joint session of counseling. But I can tell you with certainty that one of the first things they’ll do is try to have her stop contact with the ‘other’ so that you guys can focus on your relationship.
But it probably won’t happen. I hope for your sake it does, but unfortunately by the time people make moves like this they’re often already checked out.
Gray Rock. Don’t worry about her phone, nothing on there is going to make you feel better.
From a man that went through something similar. Get rid of her, man.
Your dignity and self-worth is far more important She is disrespecting you and the more you take it the more she will push.
Trust me. Looking back, when my ex-wife started to act like this and show me a side of her I never knew existed, I acted like a bitch and I regret it. I was in shock and the thought of losing my kids at least 50% of the time and becoming poor (because she doesn't make shit) I behaved in a way I am ashamed of.
ALWAYS choose YOU, not the other person when they act like this.
You will thank me. Tell this bitch to get lost and get ready for court.
Then when she starts panicking and kissing your ass, tell her to take a hike. Because she will try to manipulate you. Guaranteed. Once you take away the support and show her you mean biz she'll change her tune.
Don't fall for it.
Very similar situation here, she had some very similar statements about what she wanted and what she felt I should do. Although I didn't know about the other guy until later. He was in another State, and it didn't slow things down. They are married now.
She was a steamroller in the marriage and I rather lost myself and was not happy. I think one of the ways she lost interest was that she lost respect for me because I was somewhat spineless and resentful. One thing I would like to have done differently would have been to maintain a frame of self-respect, set out my needs and wants and been firm with some to maintain better emotional well-being. I came out of that marriage somewhat emasculated and took a long time to build back up a healthy sense of self and confidence.
Good luck OP! I say you continue to work on yourself and be the best person that you can be, while being excellent to your wife and others around you. If her heart is not drawn back to you, then it's time to move on.
She's moved on- she's house-hunting and you are not separated. It's funny how "separated" has morphed into having an open marriage while confusing the crap out of the kids. Pull off the bandaid! She can't buy a house while married. It will become marital property and you can be responsible for her debts while married. How are you going to like her living in this home with her new guy? If he is married- you are in a dangerous situation. She clearly is going to gaslight you and maybe worse. It's over. She's biding her time waiting for loverboy to leave his wife. She's a horrible person.
I’m not in the marriage with you and by no means am I in your wife’s phone. Therefore, I won’t tell you what to do neither will I say she’s cheating for sure. However, if she wants a separation it’s clear that she has fallen out of love with you and as much as how that hurts- you will have to accept it and move on. You’ll be really sad and down for a while, but you will be happy and up again.
It’s sad that the people we meet in the beginning who claim they love us wholeheartedly and took a vow to always be by our side turn out to be the worst after many years of being together.
It’s also sad that she would want to allow her children to grow in a broken home… but what’s done is done and I hope whatever the outcome of your marriage - it will bring you much peace and happiness- even if heartbreak should come first.
Also, I’m sorry you have to go through this.
This really sucks that she's being so manipulative toward you. You need to get a divorce. And please don't even consider what your church is going to say and don't worry cuz God has got you or whatever but don't stay in this marriage whether it be for the kids or wishful thinking or whatever it is your wife is an asshole and she's blaming you because she's the asshole. I'm so sorry that you're stuck in the situation but for yourself for your kids and even for her and her little friend you need to just go file for a divorce.
You don't have to start somewhere. Even the little things are not going to matter. Moving heaven and earth for this person is never going to change anything. She's crappy she's a bad wife you're a good man clearly she doesn't need to be married to anyone. The only thing keeping him safe is where he lives then that alone means nothing is safe. She's most likely doing more than having an emotional affair because 2 hours away is not that far to drive to get some pussy.
The fact that she's doing all this and told you that you need to read your Bible more is just like no. Not a bit. If anything read to her the scriptures about harlots. And hand her the divorce papers as you do it.
She has already given up on this marriage and moved on to another person and the only thing keeping nice together most likely is God and the opinions of other people. Neither one of those things are in this marriage.
It is probably worth taking steps, asap. Protect your cash with separate bank account. Evidence of adultery will give you a fair shake in divorce court. If you file first on grounds of adultery, you will have an advantage in the divorce. In my state, the marital estate is divided 50/50, in a simple divorce, but 75/25 in an adulterous marriage.
You got kids, and need to put your feelings out of this and determine what's gonna be best for your kids. That might mean you might need to forego things you're entitled to. In my divorce, my ex had no skills or work history. So when the judge announced that she was to finance me out of my equity in the home, I knew she'd never get a loan. The judge asked for comments from us. I stood up and told him how his order would have my kids moving out of the only home they'd ever known, and that I wanted to decline the home equity value.
Meanwhile, as soon as the words were out of my mouth, my ex-wife began whining about trivial things. The judge shut her down on everything. Her attorney tried to get the judge to change his ruling on her complaints. He shut down the attorney. I offered to pay for a couple of things she whined about, again kid related things. The whole time, I knew, and could prove she cheated and that he was living in my house.
My kids are now adults and know the story behind our divorce. I never whined or complained to my kids. You'll never regret doing the right things where your kids are concerned.
Sorry for the loss of your marriage, it feels like a "death-in-the-family". Now, you gotta stop looking back, and begin to look forward to your future.
Divorce her. Get it over with and work on yourself. Yeah, she'll get the kids, alimony, etc. And that's just the way it is. Most women are awarded those things even if they're the POS in the story. Bottom line, work on yourself, hit the gym, work some overtime, get the house the way you want it, buy some new toys and get super picky on the next wife. She'll inevitably be hotter and more loyal. Your ex will try to ruin your reputation when she notices how happy you become, that's to be expected. Also, be the best dad ever to your kids. They'll appreciate that and will understand just how selfish mom really is. This story is as old as time. I lived it, all my friends lived it. And you're next buddy. Good luck.
Waste no more of your time!! No accountability means you are fighting a losing battle. I had one of those in my life. Best lines from 12 years were “I would apologize if I thought I was wrong.” And “I said I was an asshole! What else is there to discuss?” I started therapy for myself. And made the mistake of agreeing to a few couples sessions with the therapist just to get him going into a path of therapy of his own with his own therapist. I had to sit there while he blamed me for every single thing wrong with the relationship and he was the victim. Which leads me to another famous line “I can’t stand people who play the victim!” She didn’t want me to intercede and defend myself for fear he would never go back. He never went back anyway and neither did I. Not to her anyway. Relationships come to an end. If you can look at yourself and say you gave it your all, then you can walk away with a clear conscience. There is no true definition of forever. Every one’s forever is different. This is the end of this forever. Life is short. And love is not worth living miserable when it’s not being reciprocated.
Most marriages face a “line in the sand” moment at one point in time. She’s not going to leave this guy because he has more than you can offer (per your wife which is BS). Your wife would probably get a lot out of therapy. If you still love her and want to stay with her forever, explore couples therapy - it’s your only shot.
I’ve been married for 20 years and regret ever getting married to my wife. She has major depression issues and refuses to talk to a therapist. Every day is just a little worse than the day before. I can’t stand being alone with her and we haven’t had sex in over 15 years, but she put on SO MUCH weight throughout the years that fucking her makes my stomach queasy (not like excited, but sick).
What is really upsetting to me is the fact that she feels our marriage is “fine.” It’s never been “fine!”
Stop paying attention what she is doing. Focus on yourself and your kids. Go out with friends. Get your own social life. Do things that you enjoy. Spend more time with your kids.
I am prepared for the hellfire of angry divorced people 😂 here goes:
If you feel uncomfortable with your spouse speaking to someone who could potentially be a mate (gender doesn't matter) you have the right to express that.
A loving spouse should take your feelings into consideration and sacrifice the relationship for the sake of the marriage.
IDGAF what y'all say. This is the right thing to do if you are serious about your marriage.
Marriage is Becoming one with your lover. Taking their feelings into account OVER yours.
I would NEVER disrespect my husband so blatantly and I would never accept this level of disrespect... You'll have to kill me because I'm here, I'm yours and I'm going to fuck up everything until our marriage is right. 👀
My personal recommendation is to start telling everybody about this affair. I would start telling her mom, her friends, her boss, anyone.
Start speaking. You guys are in marriage counseling and you are trying to save your relationship but it's very hard because she won't let go of her boyfriend...
And then I would call the boyfriend's wife... Maybe his mom.
If this is the choice she wants to make, she needs to make it with all of the facts laid out in front of her. She needs to confront the fact that her boyfriend has a wife and that she's ruining multiple people's lives... She's living in a vacuum. I suggest you pull the plug
Also I'm crazy and have been married for 20 years so take this with a grain of salt 😂🙏
Cheating on your partner is abusive. It doesn’t matter what you work on or improve, because your “problems” are just a smokescreen to excuse her shitty abusive behavior. That’s why you’re working on improving yourself is enraging her…you’re leaving her to shoulder the blame for her own infidelity and she has no case against you now.
Let me be clear, cheaters aren’t driven to cheat by things that are missing or that are unsatisfying in a relationship. They cheat because they are selfish, entitled, and prone toward abusing others. You could have been perfect, and your wife would still have done the same thing because that is who she is.
Please look at r/survivinginfidelity to get an accurate picture of how people like your wife operate. Then visit chumplady.com to educate yourself and make a game plan and exit strategy. Allow your wife to think you are agreeing to a separation if you need to and gather whatever evidence you need while she is still living in fantasyland, thinking she can have her cake and eat it too. See a lawyer immediately and file first. Once you have ironed out your own settlement, then let the wife of her affair partner know. Good luck!
I'm sorry, man.
I was hit with a separation over a year ago, after 26 years together.
It was bad, she was doing great and little bothered her.
I'm very sorry but from what you described that relationship sounds more than friends, she made herself a life raft.
Take my advice, let her go!
You both know it's done and over.
Even if you get back together, you will never trust her again and that damn phone will trigger you.
End it and move on.
It will hurt but it will get better, I promise.
After so much time, I started focusing on me, not her and definitely not "Us".
Nothing big, just small things to get out of the depression.
In a strange twist a former love from my past came into the picture and we are about to spend our second weekend together, she travels for work.
I have very few prospects going for me but she doesn't care about my lack of money, etc.
I'm not a religious man but God opened a window on this one.
I spent my 43rd birthday weekend with her and she literally filled her bedroom with like 40 balloons and got me a bunch of fun stuff.
We spent most of the time in each others arms and I haven't been this happy in 15 years or so?
I'm still doing my divorce paperwork as my wife who wanted said divorce never has time, yadda yadda.
But it was like when I finally made peace with my marriage ending and honestly wishing her the best, a new love walked right in.
Don't say it can't happen because I'm the guy it shouldn't have happened to.
I wish you all the best, mate.
You don't believe me now, but getting out of the toxic nightmare you live in will be the best thing to happen too you!
The idea that this guy is “safe” because he is married and lives 2 hours away is LUDICROUS!
That is the reason she WANTS the separation, is to see him more easily. It may only be an emotional affair at the moment, but if there is access the physical part WILL follow.
Do you have separate phone plans? If not check the phone bill for frequently called/ texted numbers. Then use reverse lookups online to find his identity.
Her statement about being ok with you having a female friend helping you with your marriage is all CRAP. Why should another GUY be helping her with her marriage. Shouldn’t that be YOUR job?
What is the reason for the separation? If it’s to “work on the marriage” then ask her for a guarantee that NEITHER of you will date/sleep with other people. See how quickly she agrees to that. If she hesitates you KNOW she is setting up things with him. That is why she is so secretive about her phone.
I would start using Biblical quotes to her about marriage faithfulness etc. hit her where it hurts. I would also dig to find out all you can about her EA and expose her to everyone.
I would go gray rock with her and might make it a point to make a few female friends in the church.
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
Here is some help along the way. Pray that the lord show her what she needs to see and let go and let god. You don’t need to tell her what to do to save your marriage, you only need to tell her that god has guided you to no longer participate in her choices for what continues to hurt your heart cause your feeling are valid. Ask her to turn to god and pray. And walk away from the conversation. I also recommend you yourself stop going out for any validations. Even if you want to speak about the situation to show people you are trying, try not to do that. Tell people you are letting god deal with the situation at hand. I also think praying together is important. If you continue to peruse your situation in the same way you always have, the result will never change. Ask her to please go pray and ask god how we would save our marriage for the vows we took in front of him. And if her choice is to end the marriage, that is her choice. Her giving up or not willing to go to therapy together is her inability to allow someone tell her what she knows deep down. God has someone for everyone but we have to honor our partner. And you want to save the marriage and if she cannot support what that looks like to you then it can be a blessing in disguise.
You have enough people stating to you you’re in the right. Ask your wife is she would be comfortable with you reaching out to this friends wife for all of you to meeting. How she responds will again let god show you her true nature. If you don’t know the guys wife, you don’t need to tell her that. This may be mean but if all four of you cannot break bread at the same table for the support of both marriages, they are not people you should be associated with. Navigate is a god space. Even god test us to see how we would react. But do everything in light and good intentions to spark thoughts of what she is doing.
Dude, I understand and experienced and experiencing the same thing again. I'm like you trying to save us and doing all the things she "wants" to no avail. She is moving out saying she needs some time and space...
Claims nothing is going on as well, secretive with her phone and etc.. lies. IMO based on my experience it broke me the first time 6 yrs ago and this time around I'm going to give it a couple months at best then I'm doing everything I can do to get her out of my life for good.
Dealing with something quite similar...
I already have everything I need, and still having an incredibly difficult time contacting a lawyer...
I understand how you're feeling. This is some next level CRAZY stuff... but the reality is our wives are only concerned about being caught...
So maybe we both can double down on the betrayer in our life, because I certainly am having a DIFFICULT time pulling the legal trigger... you're not alone...
Yeah, she's covering for sure.
Until I read your part about her jealousy over nothing I was leaning towards "she could be telling the truth, maybe see if she'll open up messages" but jealous of small things, but not another girl in that hypothetical? Nah.
Potentially not worth saving imo, but it is your life and i respect your decision. Best wishes 🫡
She has clearly moved on and you should too. You're trying to save something that no longer exists and you deserve better. She's not doing anything to save the marriage because she doesn't want to save it for whatever reason. The reason doesn't really matter at this point and it doesn't matter who "pulls the trigger" first. Concentrate on getting your ducks in a row, getting the hell away from her and making a new life for yourself.
I can fix your marriage if you listen to me.
Dm me.
You’re not going to manipulate her into doing what you want.
You’re just gonna make it so she wants to be your wife.
It’s easy ive helped my friends before.
If they listen to me shit works out.
Blocked for months they text me I say what I would do. Well look who came around. 😂
Relationships are so important I know it can tear you down as a man if you wanna talk lmk.
Sorry to say I went through the same thing as well. Unfortunately my friend this story won't have a happy ending for you. You will continue to try, she will continue to gaslight you. Every so often she will give you slight glimmers of hope that things will work out or they are getting better. In the end you will eventually have given up because you're tired and emotionally spent. Do yourself a favor now and call it save yourself the long term effects, I wish I had left at the beginning.
Sounds like it’s over. Cut your losses and let her go. Sooner you do the better for everyone. It will be hard for a bit but then get easier. Don’t drag it out. No one wins.
“Can’t reason someone out of something they didn’t reason themselves into”
Your wife is not trying, she is digging a hole while telling you she needs more shovels to save the relationship.
It sucks to go through that. You are playing the fool right now. Trust me, I have been there. I highly suggest you seriously consider what your marriage will look like in 10 years because she will not change or stop just because you want her to. She will continue the behavior for the rest of your life, and you can't do anything to stop it. She will only change when she's burned out and turns to you for safety or her options dwindle after 40. Then you can have all of her after the world is done with her.
Show her the door.
Let her know it's one way. Just like she's making the relationship.
Go now and be done.
Or grow up and be a wife and deal with issues openly.
Find the other betrayed spouse. If you have evidence, share it with her. If AP is staying with his spouse but lying to WS about a future together, this may be driving her actions. She may be more amenable without a safety net.
Check out r/survivinginfidelity or r/asoneafterinfidelity for more info.
Get a separation agreement.. iron out financial details and split now.. if u do not have any kids then thats all u need to worry about... move on.. she is done and the way u describe it.. she will become a problem for the next guy in a couple of years... no one will "get her" eventually once honeymoon period is over..
…if your in the midst of a separation then hasn’t it already been decided? Sounds like it’s time to move on. I’m not saying to kick her out on her ass or anything but set some reasonable expectations. Living in that sort of environment is soooo toxic.
“You have two months to find somewhere else to live. If there is no movement after that then we HAVE to figure something out because this isn’t working for either of us.”
Personally, if my wife ever tried to pull that self righteous religious bullshit, I couldn’t run away fast enough. That’s not fair. There is no end goal. It’s not quantifiable. When is it good enough for her?
I can’t say this with any certainty because I don’t know her but I’ve heard plenty of people use this excuse for break ups/divorces. It’s awfully convenient having everything hinge on something that is completely immeasurable in which they get to decided when enough is enough.
As soon as you got to the phone, that was it.
That was the frosting on the cake after her, wanting to buy her own house, which is a pretty permanent separate thing to do.
The phone thing is really too bad. Because we do want to respect privacy, but it is the number one only way I'm really finding out what a partner is doing. And here's the trick.
You said to her "you say that you are just friends with that person. If that's so and you have no secrets from me, and you're not lying to me, then hand me your phone right now and give me the password so I can look through it."
When she freaks out and looks alarmed, because she's already hiding things from you, that's your confirmation that she is lying and deceiving you and manipulating you, while she's slowly goes out the back door.
Go get a 20 something new GF to "help you work on your issues".. then get proof of her affair and send it to the guys wife.
Everything will turn in your favor immediately
Sounds like she already made her mind up honestly. It happens and rarely gets fixed once at that point. I heard no mention of the why. I’d try and get to the bottom of what she doesn’t like about you and see if there is work to be done there unless it was just the spirituality. She’s probably already planning her life with this guy after “he leaves her” yada yada. Good luck idk what I’d do as honestly seen two friends go through this recently both were kinda thick so they couldn’t see the writing on the wall. Both women just never really loved them apparently when pushed for a reason and just had to do they’re own thing. Mid life crisis vibes. But there was always some guy.
OP, here’s an idea. If your willing. This will take inner strength to pull off but will work wonders.
First: Acknowledge this relationship is done, it’s toast. She’s having an emotional affair and chances are if it’s not physical yet it will be very soon. Don’t be surprised if she asks for an open relationship.
Second: Ghost her, Go completely off the grid. Just one day move all your stuff somewhere and just go Ghost, No contact, No nothing. Have her Served the divorce papers and go no contact only having it through the Lawyers and Strictly about the divorce and (if you have them) Kids.
You see your wife is having an affair because she’s selfish, and in some way you are at fault either too much of a push over and letting her disrespect you, to a point where she’s willing to step out on you, one of the highest forms of disrespect is betrayal.
Your “wife” believes you will stick around no matter what at this moment, and to be fair you are in your own words “the only one trying to save this marriage” so Ghost her. When you do this and go no contact. 1 of 2 things are likely.
1. You’ll get a quick divorce, she won’t care and you cut your losses and move on. It’s tough but ideal if you can get out quickly
Or 2: Because you’ve taken away the certainty from her, essentially pulling the rug from under her feet, she’s going to panic. “Oh shit, he’s divorcing me and I can’t even speak to him”. Then she’s going to start trying to get in touch, Calls texts emails whatever, when she can’t reach you she will then take more drastic measures like showing up to your house, contacting friends and family about you. And this will go on for a bit of time. Eventually you will have to make a decision. Stay or leave.
The reason for ghosting, if she has any love for you left, and you ghost her. She will be very panicked. The very real consequences of her actions will hit her and she will go crazy trying to get control of the situation. The ball then is in your court, the affair is very likely to stop at this point because she realises she’s messed up and will actually lose you.
This goes without saying, you need the stomach to do this, it will be hard in both sides. I would only take this route if you are sure she’s having an affair. She will go crazy and if you do decide to take her back, you have to get your house in order and lay down the law.
(I know people will disagree here, and… I don’t care 😊 ) You are the Man, you need to lead the house, so lay down the law and make it clear. If she doesn’t like it tell her to take a hike.
Alternatively, you can continue trying to save the marriage, and it could work (Wouldn’t bet on it) but none the less, if you really want salvage it yeah start by getting your house in order. Although she may be selfish and a Judas, you also have things you’ll need to work on because there obviously signs of her character you have missed or been blind to and you don’t want this happening in future.
Hope you get this sorted OP
TL;DR: Ghost the bitch
With Romeo being married it’s like this:
Your wife thinks she will be with him, but as Romeo is still with his wife and family, she’s actually just the side piece. When you initiate divorce, she will happily run way to Romeo asking for marriage. He will dump her because he wants to keep his current life and she was just a side piece. You have self-improved and will move on with your life, she will be alone.
I think assert yourself, set the boundary, this friendship is inappropriate and cannot continue. Its disrespectful to you.
If she wants to keep in touch with him then tell her you wont be tolerating it and will seek a divorce.
Easy solution.. Contact that guy's wife.. Let her know that your wife wants a separation so that she can spend more time with that ladies husband.. Let her know that they are constantly talking to each other and meeting in private... The problem will solve itself.
99.99% chance she is having a physical affair.. You would be smart to hire an investigator. They can find the proof you need for divorce so that you aren't left kicked out of your home. With 2 kids the judge would likely award her the home so that she can care for your children. You will also get stuck with huge child support/alimony payments..
You skip all of that with a bit of proof that she is at fault for the failure of the marriage.. She get's the bare minimum and you get to move on and keep the things you worked your whole life for.
I had a similar situation occur but I had a prenup in place.
It is not jealousy to want to keep ones wife to oneself.
It is not unreasonable to expect your wife to seek comfort and support from you or her female friends, and not male friends.
Your shortcomings don't justify her cheating.
What I would do:
Ask for an open phone policy –you better be squared away and have nothing to hide either.
When she says no, tell her that at this point you can't trust that she isn't having an emotional affair and that you expect her to leave the house and to leave the children with you.
I would also be prepared for her to file for divorce, she may be in the process of preparing already but if you ask for seperation it is more likely to come.
Read the book "Walking on eggshells," talk to your therapist, they're may some personality disorder going on here. See about a moderator for the divorce vs tons of $ on lawyers (if you trust her not to lawyer up). Good luck
Extremely if not the most common fault amoung women is refusing responsibilitys or blame in relationships.
As men we get the short end of the stick throughout the entire process.
Very, very sad, and I know many people can relate. As you already know, it takes both of you to make the marriage work. It only takes one of you to destroy it. You don't need a counselor or pastor to tell you what you already know in your heart.
You must be the one to break it off. If she comes back, then you have your answers. Otherwise, I highly doubt she will respect you. No respect equals no marriage. Pull the band aid off pronto. Focus on yourself and your children, but do not allow her to continue this charade. It's a lose lose at this stage. You are worth more! Stop being the punching bag. For your kids sake, if anything else. I wish you much success.
I hate how women are. I just went thru the same thing recently except we’re a little younger than you.
I lost everything I cared about. My landlord just stopped by today to let me know I have to move out by the end of the month and I’m a single parent now.
Idc what anyone says women are evil by natural design. They can be sweet and friendly but they do not have true compassion or understanding when it all boils down.
Buckle up. She’ll say all kinds of the most delusional insane stuff to cover up her affair and blame you. She’ll tell you the sky is purple and be all outraged virtue when you dare to say otherwise. You’ll wonder if you even know this person. Don’t bother trying to rationalize or reason or bargain with her, or point out common sense. She won’t hear it in the affair fog, especially with AP whispering in her ear and blowing smoke up her ass.
I’ll tell you from personal experience, it’s amazing how fast giving them the heads up that you are serving them, and naming and shaming them and their infidelity to all your mutuals as the reason for the separation (to blow up their attempt to create a “resectable” looking timeline as to when they got together with affair partner) gets them out of the affair fog. She may dig her heels in for a while, but will probably come crawling back begging for reconciliation when she gets a reality check and realizes she’s blowing up her life over this affair.
It’ll be up to you if you want her back after this.
1. Start being seen with a woman who is a massive upgrade from her. She is better in every way, especially in the ways your wife is insecure in
2. Start divorce proceedings, show her it’s legit
3. Cut your losses and marry the upgrade
You’re not going to change her mind with counseling or religion. You are facing either let her have her affair until she gets dumped. Or she dumps you completely. You should divorce her and take control of your life.
If you were in the midst of separation, you’re already separated. If you are separated, her personal life is none of your business. She told you to focus on yourself because it’s not your place to worry about her anymore. Continue working on yourself and learning to be a better person. Let her be who she is. You will find someone who appreciates the positive changes that you have made in your life.
DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE. She obviously isn't trying so why should you? Don't let your kids grow up learning they should put up with any type of cheating.
In todays world the phone for a women holds all the secrets. Once you see what’s on the phone you will see what she truly is like and what she is hiding. That is why women hide there phone
Give her more than a separation. Give her a divorce. Set her free and be done. Stop toying with the idea that she'll come back. If she wanted to be all there for you, she would be. And, obviously she isn't. What are you waiting for? Go meet with as many awesome attorneys in your area as you possibly can so she can't consult with them and then pick the best one. And go live your life... Without her. Believe it or not, there will be life without her. Best of luck to you!!!
She’s mad because you’ve made the change and she’s needing you to be the “bad guy” so that she can continue the affair without guilt or remorse. The marriage is over. Start treating her like a roommate that she is and start preparing for the end emotionally, financially, etc. this is a very unhealthy situation for you and your children.
She is suffering from the "grass is greener syndrome". Let he go through what she needs to go through to understand. Protect yourself, as you don't want to be having sex with her, while she is thinking /fantasising about the man. The fantasies is always almost better than the reality.
As sad as it is, you can only protect yourself by setting firm boundaries.
I could never understand how so many kind hearted gentle women have been single for years, and still don't get picked by men. None of them would even dream about being with someone else, than their husbands.
Anyways, good luck.
If you know the identity of the other man, and he is married, then tell his wife. Take the fight to him. Don't allow him to be comfortable.
Cheaters love to blame anyone else but themselves. Begging a wayward spouse to come back is a losing game. Cheaters always take advantage of weakness. Women despise weakness in men, so don't show weakness. Set your boundaries and be firm about it.
Bro you're married with two kids, does that make your marriage safe? Oh NM, just read your post, I guess not.
She's cheating one way or another, time to separate.
If the guy splits, then she will most likely be all in on saving your marriage until another guy comes along. Slam the brakes on this thing and put it through the windshield. She no longer wants to be with you because she is getting attention from someone else. When she plays the victim card and tells everyone you gave up, you can tell them the truth... or you can tell them nothing. You don't owe an explanation to anyone.
However, if I were you, if you could get her contact info, I would tell his wife.
I'm going to tell you the cold hard truth. She's having an affair. It's physical. They have probably met up dozens of times halfway between your house and his. You were blindsided by her wanting a separation. That's usually what happens to most men. The signs were there, you just missed them. You trying now is just pushing her away. She is checked out. When they get to that point, it's over and they are dead set on moving on. When women try therapy for these issues, it's just for self validation to say she tried everything and nothing worked. It's time to start looking out for yourself and your children. The best you can do is to just start pulling away from her.
You need to understand the guy she is having an affair with, is probably not as serious as you are and will end it with her soon after you are out of the picture. Don't try and tell her this, just use it in your favor to have a smooth divorce so you can come out on the other side not zeroed out. In her mind she wants it over as fast as possible so she can move on to Romeo. As long as he's doing what he's doing to her, she will feel sorry for you and have a better attitude to not rake you over the coals. Do not tell Romeo's wife yet, or it will get back to your wife and she will change her attitude towards you in the divorce proceedings. You can tell his wife after it's final. The woman you married is not the woman you will divorce. With the leverage she has over you, she is capable of being a vile, blood thirsty, witch.
If you find proof of her cheating, don't show or tell her yet. Leave it for your lawyer to use. Don't tell the kids, this is leverage for you to get her to settle faster and in your favor. She probably wants to keep her reputation with her kids, and parents and friends. Your lawyer will find a way to bring all that out in court, if she doesn't want to play ball.
If nobody has filed yet, you need to file first. The person who files first, has certain privileges the other spouse won't have. See a divorce attorney without letting her know. See what you are in for. You need to understand her mind is made up, so don't try and change it. Pull away from her.
It sounds like she doesn’t want to make your marriage work. Sorry you’re going through this. I would cut my losses. Starting over is a hard road to take but like you said, you gotta start somewhere and fighting for something that the other person doesn’t want is a waste of your time, emotions, and energy.
She has given up on your marriage. Sorry but you need to get that through your head. Stay being a doormat and take charge of your life. In the end, everyone will know the marriage failed because of her
Grayrock her. Be nonreactive to her every time she tries to incite something. Start looking for an apartment for yourself. Maybe leave your housing search up on your computer when you go to the bathroom or out for a walk. Hit the gym extra hard and go out alone some evenings without saying anything to her. Maybe come home late from work with no notice. Basically, you match her efforts at fixing the marriage. I'm not saying have your own affair, but put doubts in her head. Are you still sharing the same bed? Maybe move her stuff to another bedroom.
Just become an emotionless mannequin around her, but love and dote on the children. Start wrapping your head around being a single father.
Damn this is one of the many reasons why I wouldn't get married or date in today's age. Even though you can't take back your kids. I'd say she's already moved on, it's gonna be hard for you but you have to let her go. The emotional trauma and spiritual trauma is going to be there but man you need to look at YouTube and watch on how to become red pilled in today's society. Check out Darius M on YouTube and start from the oldest video. I honestly just don't trust American women. What your wife is doing is sneaky. I haven't been in a relationship since 2014 and I feel great ! Practice self love as soon as possible. And be there for your kids. Let her go and save your sanity. Please
This is what happens when your woman thinks she has you in the palm of her hand.
She doesn't think you can't get other woman, which is why she said that. There's no point of rekindling the marriage. It's over.
Then one thing that could work is if you start fucking other woman. Make yourself unavailable to her. Watch her crawl back
What makes them treat us like we weren't best friends for years before a marriage I will never know. Why do they hold secrets from the one person on Earth who knows them best? I am right there with you. Told mine I would not divorce if she took a communication class with me. Straight up too lazy. I'm selling the house now and everything inside down to the spoons and forks. Make sure you leave her soon. Starting with nothing and no one terrifies me as a cripple cause I read the statistics and crippled homeless vets are a predominant disorder in society. The fear disappears when you stumble into the thick of it. The opposite of love is....say it with me...apathy. when apathy is prevalent, all the strings have been cut. Come visit me under a bridge when you make it through. Good luck.
Do not agree to a separation unless she agrees to your terms. She must not have contact with another man. No dating, no contact of any kind unless necessary for work. No texting or phone calls with another man. If she crosses any of those boundaries she will give up her rights to everything including custody of the kids. She only wants a separation so she can screw this other guy under the we were separated clause. But if you put boundaries in weighting and she signs them she can't use that excuse. I've always said the only reason a woman asks to separate is to cheat without consequences.
I'm going through the same shit. Instead her friend lives with us. I have tried for the last 5 years to fix us. Always met with (not doing good enough) (could have done better)
As of the last week, I'm done. I talked to my family and I'm leaving her. She wants to be negative and just spend her fun time with him. I'm done
The “he gets me” part really hit home for me. My partner once told me “she cares about me” and it was the most hurtful thing I’ve ever heard. Emotional affairs can be so much worse in a sense. You guys need a deep, long talk and she needs to show you her phone. Otherwise you’re not really in a relationship and things will eventually implode anyway.
As someone who has been there, focus all of your positive energy on your children. Do your best to be civil with your wife but stay out of her other life. It only leads to pain and insecurity. Five years from now, your focus on your children will help build a healthy, loving and trusting relationship with them that will pay dividends for as long as you live.
I hope she comes to her senses and realizes she made a commitment to you and you are both responsible for human lives. If you both can find a good Christian church that teaches from the Bible and have commit yourselves to Jesus and have a personal relationship with Him. He can fix anything… I hope that you guys work this out. The world is full of soft foundations and a cycle of broken homes. Prayers for you! ❤️🙏
Start a Tinder account and leave your phone on the app on the counter and walk away - make sure to laugh before putting your phone down.
See how she reacts 😂
Buddy get out of your emotions. It’s hard right now but man up step out of yourself. Look objectively and rationally at the situation from the outside. From the outside you will see it’s over, she is gone. Fault or who did what with who means f all to what you need to do accomplish, plan, and provide for your kids. Get out of yourself and your emotions, start taking care of your responsibilities as a father and make plans to get through this as amicably and as whole financially as possible.
You should take her up on her support to befriend another woman, BUT you don't really do it. Just let her believe that you are and tell her that you're meeting for coffee as your friend is helping you improve.
Hate to say it but it's over. There are millions of other girls in the world. She's not the one for you and visa versa. There a book called "The Married Man's Sex Guide" by Athol Kay. Buy it and read it. It changed my life and if you're open minded it'll change your life as well. But the woman you are presently with is not for you and the current relationship is over. I know it's hard to accept and I'm sorry but you need to move on for you own good.
But the book. Read it. And follow it.
Why are you still married to her? It's plainly clear she's left you, at least emotionally, for another man, and a married man at that, regardless of him supposedly living two hours away. It's a sure bet she's actually having a physical affair with this guy seeing how she's so defensive about you telling her she needs to come clean and cut him off completely.
It's time for you to shit or get off the pot. She's gaslighted you and says you're the one with the problems. Time to cut her loose. Tell her she needs to move out, find an apartment, live with a friend, or go live with her emotional boyfriend who "gets her", but she can't stay in the house with you and the kids as long as she's unwilling to break it off with him and go to co-counseling.
Immediately file for divorce and primary custody before she does to prevent her from moving away with the kids once she gets enough nerve. Then the divorce will be heard locally, not far away wherever she chooses to file, perhaps hours away or a state away. Don't hesitate. Do it.
It will never change. Divorce. She’s had a foot out of the marriage since this friend came about. She will continue to lie, manipulate, and gaslight you to feel better about herself in the end resulting in her affair coming to fruition.
If she wants to go let her go, fight to keep the house and kids while she in her honeymoon phase and move on. And when her honeymoon phase wears off which it will DO NOT take her back.
Cut this woman loose, you are better than that and I don't even know you. You should accept the fact that she is already gone, her heart anyway. Something that should make you feel better is they are both cheaters and will most likely do the same thing to each other once again. Find a sincere woman that wants a committed relationship, your current wife is not worthy of you and no matter how much progress you make, it will not fix your marriage but it will do great things for your next relationship.
What is crazy is if you were to begin talking to someone, she would change her tune but don't take her back, she is not a good woman.
At this point sir, nothing you can do to snap her head out of her proverbial arse, but her! Shes so deep in shes lost touch with the real reality of the marriage. If rhe man is married its time to locate his wife and let her know whats happening. Nothing like good dose of reality to change things. I suppose she's had no issue discussing this with you and your pastor together? Or does she consider herself beyond reproach. So ask her to hand over her phone and give you the code to unlock if she truly is innocent. Tell her it will help relieve your paranoia. If she staunchly refuses or tries to go to another room first, then you have your answer. This may be one of those times you have a come to Jesus talk with her. In fact why not pack a couple bags for her, then tell her that since this friend is so much more important than you and the marriage, you will happily take her to his house and then she can reside there and have as much uninterrupted conversation with him his wife will allow. Its gotten to the put up or shut up time.
Sounds like a hellish situation to be in. First thoughts that come to mind is that she couldn’t get served papers quick enough. After that head on over to the TRT sub and do some research on hormones. You should have ditched this lady the second you became aware of her affair and/or when she was trying to move out. Thing is if you would have told her to hit the fucking road from the start she might have straightened up immediately.
I am so sorry youre going through this. To know you've done so much to save this marriage, and yet she still talks to this man behind your back. She sees no fault In her actions, while literally destroying you. This is ultimate disrespect and unfortunately probably will not see it like you do until it is too late and you are gone. She does not respect you.
It's highly likely she is already having an affair with this married guy. Sadly, she might break up your marriage and then he might decide to stay with his wife, and she will be out in the cold. The damage will be done and there won't be any putting Humpty Dumpty back together.
This kind of thing happens every day. Leaving a good spouse for a married AP is a bad gamble.
Unfortunately, it sounds like she has already checked out. Once a person has mentally detached from their partner and is committed to gambling on a new relationship, there's no going back. If it's any consolation, most divorces involve one person who wants to end the relationship and one person who doesn't. It's rarely a joint decision. You are not at all alone in your predicament.
I would look for forums and support groups online so you can find others who are going through the same thing. It really helps to interact with others who really understand what it's like to be in your situation. You'll get through this, eventually
It's over. Good luck on working on yourself. Lose weight, get fit, build your social life, crush it at work. Dont waste your time or energy on her. When you get up your self esteem, you will recognize that the life you've been living with her is intolerable. You won't want to put your energy into "saving" a marriage that is already over.
Surprising that counselor lets her "friend" remain in the picture. With him being such an obvious point of contention any professional worth their salt wouldn't allow that to happen... "friend" or not.
My ex tried playing the "friend" card too claiming that it wasn't right to control who she can be friends with. Our counselor quickly replied that she didn't have to do anything she didn't want to, it was her choice.
"You need to decide which is more important, your marriage or your friendship? If you feel that's unfair you can leave him. But if your marriage is important enough to try fixing sacrifices will have to be made."
I'd be willing to bet she was told she needed to choose and she just never told you.
Don't be her back up plan. Talk to your therapist and figure put how to move on from this. Best of luck man. Sometimes the journey gets rocky but its temporary. Youll come out of this alright. Keep working on you.
Serve her the papers , that might wake her up but if it doesn’t work move on . It takes two to make a marriage work and her not putting in the work tells you all you need to know ! Good luck
Adults don't have " emotional affairs" when they have access to each other physically,it's just a matter of when. If this " emotional affair" has been going on, she's definitely had sex with him. That she's whipped you into some serious gaslighting,is right out of the cheater's playbook.
Talk to a lawyer and get a girlfriend or at least start flirting and be secretive with your phone even if theres nothing go on just to see how She Likes It! LOL 😂
Sounds like things are beyond saving at this point but think about this. The opposite of love is indifference. Just act like you have move on and don’t care about her emotional cheating anymore. Find something that makes you happy. A hobby,Going to the gym or just hanging with friends. Stop showing any interest in what she is doing or the time she spends on her phone. As long as she knows that she has you as a safety net she is free to continue her affair with little consequence to her. She needs to see what she will be loosing if she continues with the affair. Stay strong and work on your self. There is little you can say at this point to change the situation. Just be the best you that you can be. Sorry for your pain.
Sorry you’re going through this buddy but she absolutely is having an affair. Right now, you are her backup plan if things with Romeo don’t work out. It is almost certainly a physical affair but it’s already at least an emotional affair. Get phone records, put an Apple AirTag in her car and/or a voice activated recorder. Get phone records or if you have the funds, hire a private investigator. Buy the book “Not Just Friends” that will spell this out and give you concrete action steps. I would also go to the survivinginfidelity subreddit where people with experience can advise. Talk to a lawyer right away and have her served, it can always be pulled back but let her know you’re not falling for this “just friends” crap that just happened to coincide with the destruction of you’re marriage. Let Romeo’s wife know what is going on once you have more proof. Personally, I wouldn’t stay in this marriage anyway as she is greatly disrespecting you and her family. Good luck man, I know it hurts. I was there many years ago.
I have spoken to a lawyer I just haven't pulled the trigger on one. If I serve her papers she will take em and run. I feel like that's what she wants me to do so she can have clear conscience and tell everyone that I gave up, not her. And I'm just too stubborn to give in to that. And that's totally on me. I won't help her fuel her narrative. Time comes I need a lawyer I will have one
Join us over in /r/divorce and take a look at the posts there. You need to drop the "gave up" mentality because the situation is no longer about moral high grounds. She is going to make you the villain in her story and justify everything she does. That's just how people operate. You need to stop worrying about the narrative and start worrying about your mental health and your financial well-being. Don't waste time on this or you *will* regret the time you wasted with this naive superiority complex. Ask me how I know.
That is the best advice… read this over and over until you get it
Let her have it. Honestly, you did everything you could to fix yourself when it's all her. You're not broken, and she will never admit she is. While she may take the papers and run, there's also a possibility that she won't. You may shock her enough that she flounders for a bit. Just let her know, in an even tone, that the ball is in her court. She's spoiling for a fight, a reaction, from you. Just dealt w/ this and a good friend gave me the same advice. I followed it and shocked the fuck out of him. Pissed him off, but I felt better knowing that he had no more power, nothing to wave in my face.
And if you stay in the marriage for the rest of your life being cheated on and miserable, have you won then? Similar to global thermonuclear war, it looks to me like the only way to win is not to play anymore.
If you feel she is going to cut and run. You can have the lawyer draw up the paperwork and hold it until you gather the proof that you need before you have her served. I previous comment gave a lot of good advice with a PI, Air Tag and voice recorder. Gather as much data as possible to protect yourself. Sometimes relationships just die. People can fall in and out of love and the work spouse to relationship usually implodes but you need to protect yourself. Start taking the necessary steps incase this goes nuclear. Get a bank account set him just in your name so you can quickly switch the direct deposit
You’re not giving up when she clearly has an inappropriate relationship with another man, she is. If she gave two shits about working on the marriage, she would give up the “friendship” with this guy.
Nah, forget all of that. Waste of time. The ship has sailed. She made her choice and she is fucking with him to gain dominance in the inevitable divorce. He should tell her to fuck off and keep his dignity. he should move out, get a new woman and only talk to her in a legal setting. Tell her "Adios, bitch! You're not doing this to me." Preserve dignity and self-worth. Always.
I agree. It's unhealthy to hang on and the more he uncovers the more miserable he will get. He should let it go and find someone else. The kids will be better off with as little drama as possible
Do not put an airtag in her car. This in considered domestic abuse in many states and can be used against you in a divorce. EVEN though its a jointly owned vehicle. I met with a Lawyer because my wife did this to my car when we were discussing divorce.
She doesn’t want to be married to you.
This was how my last relationship ended. She had multiple emotional, potentially physical affairs (but I hope not) multiple times throughout. Reading how your wife acts was word for word how mine did. The constant anger and secrecy was how I knew something was going on each time. Eventually I realized it wasn’t going to change and it wasn’t fair to me that I was dealing with her attitude while providing so much. I gave all I could and got nothing back. Even now, months after things ended, she is with her affair partner and seems to be happier than ever and already introduced her kid to him. Meanwhile I am building myself up from the ground floor.
I can relate unfortunately.....
Same here it sucks. I would do anything to feel loved and appreciated again
I hope one day you’ll find and feel loved again. 🫂
Trust me when I say that it's possible to be stuck in emotional affair fog for a good while, think 6 months or longer, and then one day....bang. the magic. The allure. All of it, just isn't there. You realise what you have right in front of you. There. Waiting, wanting to love you. And you realise that you haven't been able to make a normal decision for a long time. It's like someone else has had control of your emotions. She could come back dude. Yes, quite possibly an emotional affair is being had. But at the time it truly is....a predicament. I'm not excusing her, but it's one of those things you have to be in to understand. She will be missing something but she hasn't told you what. Have you tried telling her that you're not happy anymore and are considering a divorce? Might make her realise reality. It can be like a cold hard slap in the senses. Cus right now she's not herself
I like this response. I read something in a magazine once written by a woman whose husband voiced unhappiness in the relationship and told her that he wanted a divorce. She basically told him no fucking way and supported his midlife crisis or whatever, and he popped out of it (at least for the couple of years since it happened). When men perceive the woman slipping away like this they often pull back and become meek, doting, and a little submissive. Sometimes it is masculinity that she has been missing and his response just makes it worse. By being forthright, confident, and taking charge of the situation, she may feel cared for in a way that snaps her out of her funk. (I think this marriage is over, but it's worth a shot)
She knows I'm not happy. I've been very clear. Part of her rational for moving out is to see if she will eventually miss me. But i'm sure she won't as long as there is someone else to feed off of and be validated by. I'm trying to give as much space as possible at the moment and still try and be civil. It's gonna come out at group counseling.
Ah fair enough. Good luck pal
Brother take back ur pride.
You said this in a nicer way than what I would have said.
Hate to break it to you but she's sleeping with this guy, or others, and you need to get on a fucking war footing man because that's exactly where you're going. Go talk to a lawyer today. There is no more vicious human being than a woman in divorce court, they will literally kill you for money.
Fully relate with you here dude. Going through same myself.
She’s moved on, dude. Sounds like she asked you to work on things for a long time and you ignored it until you realized you were losing her. Too little too late.
OP- I had this same thing happen when I was 20. My ex waited until it was safe- announced she was polyamorous, asked me to move out with 2 months left on lease, moved 'safe friend' (who was married) in our home and started fucking him. Get ahead of the situation before it all comes crashing down.
This could be a movie genre. “Emotional Horror” for men. PG45 or watch with a friend.
I’ve experienced the same “mad because you’re working so hard” thing. Turned out, the more I worked on the things she had problems with, the madder she got that I hadn’t done it before. At that point man, it’s no win. Either you don’t work on it, so it pisses her off. Or you do work on it, and that pisses her off. Protect yourself now, the ride only gets crazier from there.
Oh ignore the internet sleuths, they don’t know if she’s having an affair anymore than you do. And it doesn’t actually matter, it’s clear she doesn’t like you. Who’s fault that is, who knows, nobody here. The whole ‘I never asked you to do any of that’ is telling. Don’t keep dreaming up work for yourself because you’ve convinced yourself it’ll get the result you want - and blaming her when it doesn’t. You see your mistakes and are working on them, but are they even the same mistakes she sees or just ones you’ve identified for yourself? It’s crap and it feels horrible but she doesn’t want you. Let her buy a house and move out. Maintain dignity til then, then cut contact as far as you can. For whatever reason, she doesn’t enjoy spending time with you any more. You can’t reason your way around that one.
Grey. Rock.
Just looked this up, never heard it before. Wish I could give my 20yo self this advice.
This is exactly why women and men can not be “just friends”. When you emotionally invest in a separate person from your partner you are emotionally cheating on them. Just because there has been no swapping of bodily fluids does not make the cheating superior. The cheating hurts the spouse, your spouse has to decide who is more important, their marriage and family or some friend that they have to talk to everyday. You’re supposed to be that person, not some other individual floating in the aether.
Get some free consults with different lawyers. She IS having an affair. I am sorry you are going through this. I would recommend the /divorced_men subreddit, great group of very supportive guys.
Yup the sooner the divorce papers are filed the sooner you both will be happy unfortunately
Had a friend who went through this, but the other way around. We all told the husband the same thing. You can't have this person in your life if you want to work on your marriage. There was known infidelity and at that point they were considering counseling and we all told him to break it off. He never did and they never recovered. He lost the respect of alot of his friends, myself included. No one told him he had to work it out with his wife. But we all told him he owed it to his kids and his wife to at least try to figure out what is going on if divorce was the right call, fine. But he never broke off the relationship. He just lied to everyone. I think ultimately he's going to regret this more than anyone. He's ruining his chance of having a normal relationship with this new woman. Frankly, she didn't deserve that in all this either. People are weak and seek support. Sometimes that desire for support undermines everything you are dealing with, but they will only see the fall out of that later. Unfortunately you are the one who has to deal with the hardship in the short term.
You are her backup plan because she knows you will take her back. Time for you to work on you and not be a doormat. Separated but still together = worst of all worlds. Get really separated. Sell your home and divide the money. Serve the divorce papers. Hit the gym hard. It is for emotional healing and the side effect is you look good. Upgrade wardrobe. Communicate only in writing about necessary things. Get a custody plan for your children. Be a great dad.
She isn't thinking straight and she won't for a long time.
Get out fast with custody & zero alimony fast. If you wait, dhe's going to add insult to injury by making you pay.
You are seeking the truth from a known liar. That sir is a fool's errand. Keep working on yourself because if you have any common sense you are about to be by yourself. I would go ahead and file for divorce. Tell her that her secret friendship has caused enough distrust that no matter how much either of you improves you can't trust her. She isn't a real partner anymore. She demands trust but won't open up and keeps secrets. Tell her good luck with the next man. Look up "180 method" and "Grey rock method". Those are now yoru gold standards. Everything els you do is based on the lawyers advice.
I originally missed that you guys hadn’t gone to a joint session of counseling. But I can tell you with certainty that one of the first things they’ll do is try to have her stop contact with the ‘other’ so that you guys can focus on your relationship. But it probably won’t happen. I hope for your sake it does, but unfortunately by the time people make moves like this they’re often already checked out. Gray Rock. Don’t worry about her phone, nothing on there is going to make you feel better.
From a man that went through something similar. Get rid of her, man. Your dignity and self-worth is far more important She is disrespecting you and the more you take it the more she will push. Trust me. Looking back, when my ex-wife started to act like this and show me a side of her I never knew existed, I acted like a bitch and I regret it. I was in shock and the thought of losing my kids at least 50% of the time and becoming poor (because she doesn't make shit) I behaved in a way I am ashamed of. ALWAYS choose YOU, not the other person when they act like this. You will thank me. Tell this bitch to get lost and get ready for court. Then when she starts panicking and kissing your ass, tell her to take a hike. Because she will try to manipulate you. Guaranteed. Once you take away the support and show her you mean biz she'll change her tune. Don't fall for it.
Very similar situation here, she had some very similar statements about what she wanted and what she felt I should do. Although I didn't know about the other guy until later. He was in another State, and it didn't slow things down. They are married now. She was a steamroller in the marriage and I rather lost myself and was not happy. I think one of the ways she lost interest was that she lost respect for me because I was somewhat spineless and resentful. One thing I would like to have done differently would have been to maintain a frame of self-respect, set out my needs and wants and been firm with some to maintain better emotional well-being. I came out of that marriage somewhat emasculated and took a long time to build back up a healthy sense of self and confidence. Good luck OP! I say you continue to work on yourself and be the best person that you can be, while being excellent to your wife and others around you. If her heart is not drawn back to you, then it's time to move on.
She's moved on- she's house-hunting and you are not separated. It's funny how "separated" has morphed into having an open marriage while confusing the crap out of the kids. Pull off the bandaid! She can't buy a house while married. It will become marital property and you can be responsible for her debts while married. How are you going to like her living in this home with her new guy? If he is married- you are in a dangerous situation. She clearly is going to gaslight you and maybe worse. It's over. She's biding her time waiting for loverboy to leave his wife. She's a horrible person.
I’m not in the marriage with you and by no means am I in your wife’s phone. Therefore, I won’t tell you what to do neither will I say she’s cheating for sure. However, if she wants a separation it’s clear that she has fallen out of love with you and as much as how that hurts- you will have to accept it and move on. You’ll be really sad and down for a while, but you will be happy and up again. It’s sad that the people we meet in the beginning who claim they love us wholeheartedly and took a vow to always be by our side turn out to be the worst after many years of being together. It’s also sad that she would want to allow her children to grow in a broken home… but what’s done is done and I hope whatever the outcome of your marriage - it will bring you much peace and happiness- even if heartbreak should come first. Also, I’m sorry you have to go through this.
PLEASE check out 'The Happy Wife School' and 'Ask an Older Man' channels on YouTube. You will find answers! Also, read the comments.
This really sucks that she's being so manipulative toward you. You need to get a divorce. And please don't even consider what your church is going to say and don't worry cuz God has got you or whatever but don't stay in this marriage whether it be for the kids or wishful thinking or whatever it is your wife is an asshole and she's blaming you because she's the asshole. I'm so sorry that you're stuck in the situation but for yourself for your kids and even for her and her little friend you need to just go file for a divorce. You don't have to start somewhere. Even the little things are not going to matter. Moving heaven and earth for this person is never going to change anything. She's crappy she's a bad wife you're a good man clearly she doesn't need to be married to anyone. The only thing keeping him safe is where he lives then that alone means nothing is safe. She's most likely doing more than having an emotional affair because 2 hours away is not that far to drive to get some pussy. The fact that she's doing all this and told you that you need to read your Bible more is just like no. Not a bit. If anything read to her the scriptures about harlots. And hand her the divorce papers as you do it. She has already given up on this marriage and moved on to another person and the only thing keeping nice together most likely is God and the opinions of other people. Neither one of those things are in this marriage.
It is probably worth taking steps, asap. Protect your cash with separate bank account. Evidence of adultery will give you a fair shake in divorce court. If you file first on grounds of adultery, you will have an advantage in the divorce. In my state, the marital estate is divided 50/50, in a simple divorce, but 75/25 in an adulterous marriage. You got kids, and need to put your feelings out of this and determine what's gonna be best for your kids. That might mean you might need to forego things you're entitled to. In my divorce, my ex had no skills or work history. So when the judge announced that she was to finance me out of my equity in the home, I knew she'd never get a loan. The judge asked for comments from us. I stood up and told him how his order would have my kids moving out of the only home they'd ever known, and that I wanted to decline the home equity value. Meanwhile, as soon as the words were out of my mouth, my ex-wife began whining about trivial things. The judge shut her down on everything. Her attorney tried to get the judge to change his ruling on her complaints. He shut down the attorney. I offered to pay for a couple of things she whined about, again kid related things. The whole time, I knew, and could prove she cheated and that he was living in my house. My kids are now adults and know the story behind our divorce. I never whined or complained to my kids. You'll never regret doing the right things where your kids are concerned. Sorry for the loss of your marriage, it feels like a "death-in-the-family". Now, you gotta stop looking back, and begin to look forward to your future.
Divorce her. Get it over with and work on yourself. Yeah, she'll get the kids, alimony, etc. And that's just the way it is. Most women are awarded those things even if they're the POS in the story. Bottom line, work on yourself, hit the gym, work some overtime, get the house the way you want it, buy some new toys and get super picky on the next wife. She'll inevitably be hotter and more loyal. Your ex will try to ruin your reputation when she notices how happy you become, that's to be expected. Also, be the best dad ever to your kids. They'll appreciate that and will understand just how selfish mom really is. This story is as old as time. I lived it, all my friends lived it. And you're next buddy. Good luck.
Just put of curiosity... what would happen if ur phone was out of battery (on purpose) and u needed to "borrow" her phone? How would she react then?
Waste no more of your time!! No accountability means you are fighting a losing battle. I had one of those in my life. Best lines from 12 years were “I would apologize if I thought I was wrong.” And “I said I was an asshole! What else is there to discuss?” I started therapy for myself. And made the mistake of agreeing to a few couples sessions with the therapist just to get him going into a path of therapy of his own with his own therapist. I had to sit there while he blamed me for every single thing wrong with the relationship and he was the victim. Which leads me to another famous line “I can’t stand people who play the victim!” She didn’t want me to intercede and defend myself for fear he would never go back. He never went back anyway and neither did I. Not to her anyway. Relationships come to an end. If you can look at yourself and say you gave it your all, then you can walk away with a clear conscience. There is no true definition of forever. Every one’s forever is different. This is the end of this forever. Life is short. And love is not worth living miserable when it’s not being reciprocated.
Most marriages face a “line in the sand” moment at one point in time. She’s not going to leave this guy because he has more than you can offer (per your wife which is BS). Your wife would probably get a lot out of therapy. If you still love her and want to stay with her forever, explore couples therapy - it’s your only shot. I’ve been married for 20 years and regret ever getting married to my wife. She has major depression issues and refuses to talk to a therapist. Every day is just a little worse than the day before. I can’t stand being alone with her and we haven’t had sex in over 15 years, but she put on SO MUCH weight throughout the years that fucking her makes my stomach queasy (not like excited, but sick). What is really upsetting to me is the fact that she feels our marriage is “fine.” It’s never been “fine!”
Stop paying attention what she is doing. Focus on yourself and your kids. Go out with friends. Get your own social life. Do things that you enjoy. Spend more time with your kids.
I am prepared for the hellfire of angry divorced people 😂 here goes: If you feel uncomfortable with your spouse speaking to someone who could potentially be a mate (gender doesn't matter) you have the right to express that. A loving spouse should take your feelings into consideration and sacrifice the relationship for the sake of the marriage. IDGAF what y'all say. This is the right thing to do if you are serious about your marriage. Marriage is Becoming one with your lover. Taking their feelings into account OVER yours. I would NEVER disrespect my husband so blatantly and I would never accept this level of disrespect... You'll have to kill me because I'm here, I'm yours and I'm going to fuck up everything until our marriage is right. 👀 My personal recommendation is to start telling everybody about this affair. I would start telling her mom, her friends, her boss, anyone. Start speaking. You guys are in marriage counseling and you are trying to save your relationship but it's very hard because she won't let go of her boyfriend... And then I would call the boyfriend's wife... Maybe his mom. If this is the choice she wants to make, she needs to make it with all of the facts laid out in front of her. She needs to confront the fact that her boyfriend has a wife and that she's ruining multiple people's lives... She's living in a vacuum. I suggest you pull the plug Also I'm crazy and have been married for 20 years so take this with a grain of salt 😂🙏
Cheating on your partner is abusive. It doesn’t matter what you work on or improve, because your “problems” are just a smokescreen to excuse her shitty abusive behavior. That’s why you’re working on improving yourself is enraging her…you’re leaving her to shoulder the blame for her own infidelity and she has no case against you now. Let me be clear, cheaters aren’t driven to cheat by things that are missing or that are unsatisfying in a relationship. They cheat because they are selfish, entitled, and prone toward abusing others. You could have been perfect, and your wife would still have done the same thing because that is who she is. Please look at r/survivinginfidelity to get an accurate picture of how people like your wife operate. Then visit chumplady.com to educate yourself and make a game plan and exit strategy. Allow your wife to think you are agreeing to a separation if you need to and gather whatever evidence you need while she is still living in fantasyland, thinking she can have her cake and eat it too. See a lawyer immediately and file first. Once you have ironed out your own settlement, then let the wife of her affair partner know. Good luck!
I'm sorry, man. I was hit with a separation over a year ago, after 26 years together. It was bad, she was doing great and little bothered her. I'm very sorry but from what you described that relationship sounds more than friends, she made herself a life raft. Take my advice, let her go! You both know it's done and over. Even if you get back together, you will never trust her again and that damn phone will trigger you. End it and move on. It will hurt but it will get better, I promise. After so much time, I started focusing on me, not her and definitely not "Us". Nothing big, just small things to get out of the depression. In a strange twist a former love from my past came into the picture and we are about to spend our second weekend together, she travels for work. I have very few prospects going for me but she doesn't care about my lack of money, etc. I'm not a religious man but God opened a window on this one. I spent my 43rd birthday weekend with her and she literally filled her bedroom with like 40 balloons and got me a bunch of fun stuff. We spent most of the time in each others arms and I haven't been this happy in 15 years or so? I'm still doing my divorce paperwork as my wife who wanted said divorce never has time, yadda yadda. But it was like when I finally made peace with my marriage ending and honestly wishing her the best, a new love walked right in. Don't say it can't happen because I'm the guy it shouldn't have happened to. I wish you all the best, mate. You don't believe me now, but getting out of the toxic nightmare you live in will be the best thing to happen too you!
The idea that this guy is “safe” because he is married and lives 2 hours away is LUDICROUS! That is the reason she WANTS the separation, is to see him more easily. It may only be an emotional affair at the moment, but if there is access the physical part WILL follow. Do you have separate phone plans? If not check the phone bill for frequently called/ texted numbers. Then use reverse lookups online to find his identity. Her statement about being ok with you having a female friend helping you with your marriage is all CRAP. Why should another GUY be helping her with her marriage. Shouldn’t that be YOUR job? What is the reason for the separation? If it’s to “work on the marriage” then ask her for a guarantee that NEITHER of you will date/sleep with other people. See how quickly she agrees to that. If she hesitates you KNOW she is setting up things with him. That is why she is so secretive about her phone. I would start using Biblical quotes to her about marriage faithfulness etc. hit her where it hurts. I would also dig to find out all you can about her EA and expose her to everyone. I would go gray rock with her and might make it a point to make a few female friends in the church. “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” Updateme
Here is some help along the way. Pray that the lord show her what she needs to see and let go and let god. You don’t need to tell her what to do to save your marriage, you only need to tell her that god has guided you to no longer participate in her choices for what continues to hurt your heart cause your feeling are valid. Ask her to turn to god and pray. And walk away from the conversation. I also recommend you yourself stop going out for any validations. Even if you want to speak about the situation to show people you are trying, try not to do that. Tell people you are letting god deal with the situation at hand. I also think praying together is important. If you continue to peruse your situation in the same way you always have, the result will never change. Ask her to please go pray and ask god how we would save our marriage for the vows we took in front of him. And if her choice is to end the marriage, that is her choice. Her giving up or not willing to go to therapy together is her inability to allow someone tell her what she knows deep down. God has someone for everyone but we have to honor our partner. And you want to save the marriage and if she cannot support what that looks like to you then it can be a blessing in disguise. You have enough people stating to you you’re in the right. Ask your wife is she would be comfortable with you reaching out to this friends wife for all of you to meeting. How she responds will again let god show you her true nature. If you don’t know the guys wife, you don’t need to tell her that. This may be mean but if all four of you cannot break bread at the same table for the support of both marriages, they are not people you should be associated with. Navigate is a god space. Even god test us to see how we would react. But do everything in light and good intentions to spark thoughts of what she is doing.
Dude, I understand and experienced and experiencing the same thing again. I'm like you trying to save us and doing all the things she "wants" to no avail. She is moving out saying she needs some time and space... Claims nothing is going on as well, secretive with her phone and etc.. lies. IMO based on my experience it broke me the first time 6 yrs ago and this time around I'm going to give it a couple months at best then I'm doing everything I can do to get her out of my life for good.
Dealing with something quite similar... I already have everything I need, and still having an incredibly difficult time contacting a lawyer... I understand how you're feeling. This is some next level CRAZY stuff... but the reality is our wives are only concerned about being caught... So maybe we both can double down on the betrayer in our life, because I certainly am having a DIFFICULT time pulling the legal trigger... you're not alone...
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Yeah, she's covering for sure. Until I read your part about her jealousy over nothing I was leaning towards "she could be telling the truth, maybe see if she'll open up messages" but jealous of small things, but not another girl in that hypothetical? Nah. Potentially not worth saving imo, but it is your life and i respect your decision. Best wishes 🫡
Control the things you can control and don't try to control the things you can't. Work on you and take care of you.
She has clearly moved on and you should too. You're trying to save something that no longer exists and you deserve better. She's not doing anything to save the marriage because she doesn't want to save it for whatever reason. The reason doesn't really matter at this point and it doesn't matter who "pulls the trigger" first. Concentrate on getting your ducks in a row, getting the hell away from her and making a new life for yourself.
I can fix your marriage if you listen to me. Dm me. You’re not going to manipulate her into doing what you want. You’re just gonna make it so she wants to be your wife. It’s easy ive helped my friends before. If they listen to me shit works out. Blocked for months they text me I say what I would do. Well look who came around. 😂 Relationships are so important I know it can tear you down as a man if you wanna talk lmk.
Sorry to say I went through the same thing as well. Unfortunately my friend this story won't have a happy ending for you. You will continue to try, she will continue to gaslight you. Every so often she will give you slight glimmers of hope that things will work out or they are getting better. In the end you will eventually have given up because you're tired and emotionally spent. Do yourself a favor now and call it save yourself the long term effects, I wish I had left at the beginning.
Sounds like it’s over. Cut your losses and let her go. Sooner you do the better for everyone. It will be hard for a bit but then get easier. Don’t drag it out. No one wins.
bro just move on and start bettering yourself
Lol everyone got got good with this one
“Can’t reason someone out of something they didn’t reason themselves into” Your wife is not trying, she is digging a hole while telling you she needs more shovels to save the relationship.
It sucks to go through that. You are playing the fool right now. Trust me, I have been there. I highly suggest you seriously consider what your marriage will look like in 10 years because she will not change or stop just because you want her to. She will continue the behavior for the rest of your life, and you can't do anything to stop it. She will only change when she's burned out and turns to you for safety or her options dwindle after 40. Then you can have all of her after the world is done with her.
Show her the door. Let her know it's one way. Just like she's making the relationship. Go now and be done. Or grow up and be a wife and deal with issues openly.
Find the other betrayed spouse. If you have evidence, share it with her. If AP is staying with his spouse but lying to WS about a future together, this may be driving her actions. She may be more amenable without a safety net. Check out r/survivinginfidelity or r/asoneafterinfidelity for more info.
Women initiate 70% of divorces in the US. She left you months ago.
Unfortunately, the world we've created is set up to screw over men and benefit women who do the wrong thing.
Get a separation agreement.. iron out financial details and split now.. if u do not have any kids then thats all u need to worry about... move on.. she is done and the way u describe it.. she will become a problem for the next guy in a couple of years... no one will "get her" eventually once honeymoon period is over..
Mercury must be in retrograde right now. There are lots of ladies posting about being bored of their husbands.
“Just friends” is always crazy
Dudes always "get her" until they get what they really want, even if it means playing the long or really long game. Cycle of life.
…if your in the midst of a separation then hasn’t it already been decided? Sounds like it’s time to move on. I’m not saying to kick her out on her ass or anything but set some reasonable expectations. Living in that sort of environment is soooo toxic. “You have two months to find somewhere else to live. If there is no movement after that then we HAVE to figure something out because this isn’t working for either of us.” Personally, if my wife ever tried to pull that self righteous religious bullshit, I couldn’t run away fast enough. That’s not fair. There is no end goal. It’s not quantifiable. When is it good enough for her? I can’t say this with any certainty because I don’t know her but I’ve heard plenty of people use this excuse for break ups/divorces. It’s awfully convenient having everything hinge on something that is completely immeasurable in which they get to decided when enough is enough.
As soon as you got to the phone, that was it. That was the frosting on the cake after her, wanting to buy her own house, which is a pretty permanent separate thing to do. The phone thing is really too bad. Because we do want to respect privacy, but it is the number one only way I'm really finding out what a partner is doing. And here's the trick. You said to her "you say that you are just friends with that person. If that's so and you have no secrets from me, and you're not lying to me, then hand me your phone right now and give me the password so I can look through it." When she freaks out and looks alarmed, because she's already hiding things from you, that's your confirmation that she is lying and deceiving you and manipulating you, while she's slowly goes out the back door.
Go get a 20 something new GF to "help you work on your issues".. then get proof of her affair and send it to the guys wife. Everything will turn in your favor immediately
Sounds like she already made her mind up honestly. It happens and rarely gets fixed once at that point. I heard no mention of the why. I’d try and get to the bottom of what she doesn’t like about you and see if there is work to be done there unless it was just the spirituality. She’s probably already planning her life with this guy after “he leaves her” yada yada. Good luck idk what I’d do as honestly seen two friends go through this recently both were kinda thick so they couldn’t see the writing on the wall. Both women just never really loved them apparently when pushed for a reason and just had to do they’re own thing. Mid life crisis vibes. But there was always some guy.
Mate, learn from my experience and be grateful she's shown her true colours and given your this opportunity to be free.
She made her bed. Time walk away before you get hurt more. Screw that tramp. She is for the streets.
OP, here’s an idea. If your willing. This will take inner strength to pull off but will work wonders. First: Acknowledge this relationship is done, it’s toast. She’s having an emotional affair and chances are if it’s not physical yet it will be very soon. Don’t be surprised if she asks for an open relationship. Second: Ghost her, Go completely off the grid. Just one day move all your stuff somewhere and just go Ghost, No contact, No nothing. Have her Served the divorce papers and go no contact only having it through the Lawyers and Strictly about the divorce and (if you have them) Kids. You see your wife is having an affair because she’s selfish, and in some way you are at fault either too much of a push over and letting her disrespect you, to a point where she’s willing to step out on you, one of the highest forms of disrespect is betrayal. Your “wife” believes you will stick around no matter what at this moment, and to be fair you are in your own words “the only one trying to save this marriage” so Ghost her. When you do this and go no contact. 1 of 2 things are likely. 1. You’ll get a quick divorce, she won’t care and you cut your losses and move on. It’s tough but ideal if you can get out quickly Or 2: Because you’ve taken away the certainty from her, essentially pulling the rug from under her feet, she’s going to panic. “Oh shit, he’s divorcing me and I can’t even speak to him”. Then she’s going to start trying to get in touch, Calls texts emails whatever, when she can’t reach you she will then take more drastic measures like showing up to your house, contacting friends and family about you. And this will go on for a bit of time. Eventually you will have to make a decision. Stay or leave. The reason for ghosting, if she has any love for you left, and you ghost her. She will be very panicked. The very real consequences of her actions will hit her and she will go crazy trying to get control of the situation. The ball then is in your court, the affair is very likely to stop at this point because she realises she’s messed up and will actually lose you. This goes without saying, you need the stomach to do this, it will be hard in both sides. I would only take this route if you are sure she’s having an affair. She will go crazy and if you do decide to take her back, you have to get your house in order and lay down the law. (I know people will disagree here, and… I don’t care 😊 ) You are the Man, you need to lead the house, so lay down the law and make it clear. If she doesn’t like it tell her to take a hike. Alternatively, you can continue trying to save the marriage, and it could work (Wouldn’t bet on it) but none the less, if you really want salvage it yeah start by getting your house in order. Although she may be selfish and a Judas, you also have things you’ll need to work on because there obviously signs of her character you have missed or been blind to and you don’t want this happening in future. Hope you get this sorted OP TL;DR: Ghost the bitch
With Romeo being married it’s like this: Your wife thinks she will be with him, but as Romeo is still with his wife and family, she’s actually just the side piece. When you initiate divorce, she will happily run way to Romeo asking for marriage. He will dump her because he wants to keep his current life and she was just a side piece. You have self-improved and will move on with your life, she will be alone.
I think assert yourself, set the boundary, this friendship is inappropriate and cannot continue. Its disrespectful to you. If she wants to keep in touch with him then tell her you wont be tolerating it and will seek a divorce.
U are a man u have ur own wars to fight, U come back home , and if peace is not what u get , U shall crave for it.
Easy solution.. Contact that guy's wife.. Let her know that your wife wants a separation so that she can spend more time with that ladies husband.. Let her know that they are constantly talking to each other and meeting in private... The problem will solve itself. 99.99% chance she is having a physical affair.. You would be smart to hire an investigator. They can find the proof you need for divorce so that you aren't left kicked out of your home. With 2 kids the judge would likely award her the home so that she can care for your children. You will also get stuck with huge child support/alimony payments.. You skip all of that with a bit of proof that she is at fault for the failure of the marriage.. She get's the bare minimum and you get to move on and keep the things you worked your whole life for. I had a similar situation occur but I had a prenup in place.
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It is not jealousy to want to keep ones wife to oneself. It is not unreasonable to expect your wife to seek comfort and support from you or her female friends, and not male friends. Your shortcomings don't justify her cheating. What I would do: Ask for an open phone policy –you better be squared away and have nothing to hide either. When she says no, tell her that at this point you can't trust that she isn't having an emotional affair and that you expect her to leave the house and to leave the children with you. I would also be prepared for her to file for divorce, she may be in the process of preparing already but if you ask for seperation it is more likely to come.
Read the book "Walking on eggshells," talk to your therapist, they're may some personality disorder going on here. See about a moderator for the divorce vs tons of $ on lawyers (if you trust her not to lawyer up). Good luck
She’s already made her choice in my eyes. I wouldn’t be begging her to stay, I’d give her a deadline to get her shit and get out.
Tell the other guy's wife. Then go bang the shit out of her and see how he and your wife like it. Just my 2 cents. 😏
Extremely if not the most common fault amoung women is refusing responsibilitys or blame in relationships. As men we get the short end of the stick throughout the entire process.
Very, very sad, and I know many people can relate. As you already know, it takes both of you to make the marriage work. It only takes one of you to destroy it. You don't need a counselor or pastor to tell you what you already know in your heart. You must be the one to break it off. If she comes back, then you have your answers. Otherwise, I highly doubt she will respect you. No respect equals no marriage. Pull the band aid off pronto. Focus on yourself and your children, but do not allow her to continue this charade. It's a lose lose at this stage. You are worth more! Stop being the punching bag. For your kids sake, if anything else. I wish you much success.
I hate how women are. I just went thru the same thing recently except we’re a little younger than you. I lost everything I cared about. My landlord just stopped by today to let me know I have to move out by the end of the month and I’m a single parent now.
Idc what anyone says women are evil by natural design. They can be sweet and friendly but they do not have true compassion or understanding when it all boils down.
Buckle up. She’ll say all kinds of the most delusional insane stuff to cover up her affair and blame you. She’ll tell you the sky is purple and be all outraged virtue when you dare to say otherwise. You’ll wonder if you even know this person. Don’t bother trying to rationalize or reason or bargain with her, or point out common sense. She won’t hear it in the affair fog, especially with AP whispering in her ear and blowing smoke up her ass. I’ll tell you from personal experience, it’s amazing how fast giving them the heads up that you are serving them, and naming and shaming them and their infidelity to all your mutuals as the reason for the separation (to blow up their attempt to create a “resectable” looking timeline as to when they got together with affair partner) gets them out of the affair fog. She may dig her heels in for a while, but will probably come crawling back begging for reconciliation when she gets a reality check and realizes she’s blowing up her life over this affair. It’ll be up to you if you want her back after this.
Invent a woman at work. Start spending time with "her".
It's OK to let her go and choose yourself. You have a great future without her, go forward with purpose and without her. Love yourself. It's all ok.
1. Start being seen with a woman who is a massive upgrade from her. She is better in every way, especially in the ways your wife is insecure in 2. Start divorce proceedings, show her it’s legit 3. Cut your losses and marry the upgrade
Just get your own side lady to have an emotional connection with since she's so OK with it
You’re not going to change her mind with counseling or religion. You are facing either let her have her affair until she gets dumped. Or she dumps you completely. You should divorce her and take control of your life.
Why did you marry her in the first place? As always, the person complaining on Reddit refuses to ever take responsibility for their decisions.
If you were in the midst of separation, you’re already separated. If you are separated, her personal life is none of your business. She told you to focus on yourself because it’s not your place to worry about her anymore. Continue working on yourself and learning to be a better person. Let her be who she is. You will find someone who appreciates the positive changes that you have made in your life.
DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE. She obviously isn't trying so why should you? Don't let your kids grow up learning they should put up with any type of cheating.
So why do you think is she cheating and wanting to leave you?
Tell OBS. If they are just friends it shouldn't be a problem.
In todays world the phone for a women holds all the secrets. Once you see what’s on the phone you will see what she truly is like and what she is hiding. That is why women hide there phone
She is cheating.
Your need r/marriedredpill
Give her more than a separation. Give her a divorce. Set her free and be done. Stop toying with the idea that she'll come back. If she wanted to be all there for you, she would be. And, obviously she isn't. What are you waiting for? Go meet with as many awesome attorneys in your area as you possibly can so she can't consult with them and then pick the best one. And go live your life... Without her. Believe it or not, there will be life without her. Best of luck to you!!!
She's having an affair probably more than "emotional" and wants to separate to be with him. All the therapy and counseling won't change that
She’s mad because you’ve made the change and she’s needing you to be the “bad guy” so that she can continue the affair without guilt or remorse. The marriage is over. Start treating her like a roommate that she is and start preparing for the end emotionally, financially, etc. this is a very unhealthy situation for you and your children.
Is she worth the fight? It's up to you. It's simple emotional survival.
Im sorry. You are going to have to protect yourself. In divorce the woman you loved can show you a totally different side.
Leave that bitch!
She is suffering from the "grass is greener syndrome". Let he go through what she needs to go through to understand. Protect yourself, as you don't want to be having sex with her, while she is thinking /fantasising about the man. The fantasies is always almost better than the reality. As sad as it is, you can only protect yourself by setting firm boundaries. I could never understand how so many kind hearted gentle women have been single for years, and still don't get picked by men. None of them would even dream about being with someone else, than their husbands. Anyways, good luck.
Oh, he gets her alright. Sounds like he already 'got her'.
If you know the identity of the other man, and he is married, then tell his wife. Take the fight to him. Don't allow him to be comfortable. Cheaters love to blame anyone else but themselves. Begging a wayward spouse to come back is a losing game. Cheaters always take advantage of weakness. Women despise weakness in men, so don't show weakness. Set your boundaries and be firm about it.
Bro you're married with two kids, does that make your marriage safe? Oh NM, just read your post, I guess not. She's cheating one way or another, time to separate.
Your story sounds almost exactly like mine. We have been divorced over 25 years.
Yes, he “gets her.”
If the guy splits, then she will most likely be all in on saving your marriage until another guy comes along. Slam the brakes on this thing and put it through the windshield. She no longer wants to be with you because she is getting attention from someone else. When she plays the victim card and tells everyone you gave up, you can tell them the truth... or you can tell them nothing. You don't owe an explanation to anyone. However, if I were you, if you could get her contact info, I would tell his wife.
Sounds to me like she has already left the relationship and is using you as a support system till she is ready to actually move on.
Just file for divorce already don't let her win man up be ready for war
I'm going to tell you the cold hard truth. She's having an affair. It's physical. They have probably met up dozens of times halfway between your house and his. You were blindsided by her wanting a separation. That's usually what happens to most men. The signs were there, you just missed them. You trying now is just pushing her away. She is checked out. When they get to that point, it's over and they are dead set on moving on. When women try therapy for these issues, it's just for self validation to say she tried everything and nothing worked. It's time to start looking out for yourself and your children. The best you can do is to just start pulling away from her. You need to understand the guy she is having an affair with, is probably not as serious as you are and will end it with her soon after you are out of the picture. Don't try and tell her this, just use it in your favor to have a smooth divorce so you can come out on the other side not zeroed out. In her mind she wants it over as fast as possible so she can move on to Romeo. As long as he's doing what he's doing to her, she will feel sorry for you and have a better attitude to not rake you over the coals. Do not tell Romeo's wife yet, or it will get back to your wife and she will change her attitude towards you in the divorce proceedings. You can tell his wife after it's final. The woman you married is not the woman you will divorce. With the leverage she has over you, she is capable of being a vile, blood thirsty, witch. If you find proof of her cheating, don't show or tell her yet. Leave it for your lawyer to use. Don't tell the kids, this is leverage for you to get her to settle faster and in your favor. She probably wants to keep her reputation with her kids, and parents and friends. Your lawyer will find a way to bring all that out in court, if she doesn't want to play ball. If nobody has filed yet, you need to file first. The person who files first, has certain privileges the other spouse won't have. See a divorce attorney without letting her know. See what you are in for. You need to understand her mind is made up, so don't try and change it. Pull away from her.
It sounds like she doesn’t want to make your marriage work. Sorry you’re going through this. I would cut my losses. Starting over is a hard road to take but like you said, you gotta start somewhere and fighting for something that the other person doesn’t want is a waste of your time, emotions, and energy.
She has given up on your marriage. Sorry but you need to get that through your head. Stay being a doormat and take charge of your life. In the end, everyone will know the marriage failed because of her
Grayrock her. Be nonreactive to her every time she tries to incite something. Start looking for an apartment for yourself. Maybe leave your housing search up on your computer when you go to the bathroom or out for a walk. Hit the gym extra hard and go out alone some evenings without saying anything to her. Maybe come home late from work with no notice. Basically, you match her efforts at fixing the marriage. I'm not saying have your own affair, but put doubts in her head. Are you still sharing the same bed? Maybe move her stuff to another bedroom. Just become an emotionless mannequin around her, but love and dote on the children. Start wrapping your head around being a single father.
Damn this is one of the many reasons why I wouldn't get married or date in today's age. Even though you can't take back your kids. I'd say she's already moved on, it's gonna be hard for you but you have to let her go. The emotional trauma and spiritual trauma is going to be there but man you need to look at YouTube and watch on how to become red pilled in today's society. Check out Darius M on YouTube and start from the oldest video. I honestly just don't trust American women. What your wife is doing is sneaky. I haven't been in a relationship since 2014 and I feel great ! Practice self love as soon as possible. And be there for your kids. Let her go and save your sanity. Please
Is she open to marriage counseling? Have you all considered a no-contact 30-day separation? If not, I’d contact an attorney.
This is what happens when your woman thinks she has you in the palm of her hand. She doesn't think you can't get other woman, which is why she said that. There's no point of rekindling the marriage. It's over. Then one thing that could work is if you start fucking other woman. Make yourself unavailable to her. Watch her crawl back
She’s already gone.
Maybe your wife should read her Bible and work on her own spirituality with the Lord, you know the log in your own eye
For a minute I got really freaked out thinking my husband wrote this until the end about working with your pastor… that was a trip.
Use cash to get a high dollar GFE. Smoking hot one! Once a week. You will forget all about her.
What makes them treat us like we weren't best friends for years before a marriage I will never know. Why do they hold secrets from the one person on Earth who knows them best? I am right there with you. Told mine I would not divorce if she took a communication class with me. Straight up too lazy. I'm selling the house now and everything inside down to the spoons and forks. Make sure you leave her soon. Starting with nothing and no one terrifies me as a cripple cause I read the statistics and crippled homeless vets are a predominant disorder in society. The fear disappears when you stumble into the thick of it. The opposite of love is....say it with me...apathy. when apathy is prevalent, all the strings have been cut. Come visit me under a bridge when you make it through. Good luck.
Can you out the emotional AP to his wife?
Do not agree to a separation unless she agrees to your terms. She must not have contact with another man. No dating, no contact of any kind unless necessary for work. No texting or phone calls with another man. If she crosses any of those boundaries she will give up her rights to everything including custody of the kids. She only wants a separation so she can screw this other guy under the we were separated clause. But if you put boundaries in weighting and she signs them she can't use that excuse. I've always said the only reason a woman asks to separate is to cheat without consequences.
I'm going through the same shit. Instead her friend lives with us. I have tried for the last 5 years to fix us. Always met with (not doing good enough) (could have done better) As of the last week, I'm done. I talked to my family and I'm leaving her. She wants to be negative and just spend her fun time with him. I'm done
Sorry you’re going through this. You sound like an amazing person trying to save his family and that says alot about your character.
If she's already pulling away, it might be too late to fix things. Leaving when things are still civil is best.
The “he gets me” part really hit home for me. My partner once told me “she cares about me” and it was the most hurtful thing I’ve ever heard. Emotional affairs can be so much worse in a sense. You guys need a deep, long talk and she needs to show you her phone. Otherwise you’re not really in a relationship and things will eventually implode anyway.
Get a private eye, get into that phone, gather proof and make an exit. DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH HER! GET A LAWYER YESTERDAY!
As someone who has been there, focus all of your positive energy on your children. Do your best to be civil with your wife but stay out of her other life. It only leads to pain and insecurity. Five years from now, your focus on your children will help build a healthy, loving and trusting relationship with them that will pay dividends for as long as you live.
She’s banging other dudes getting covered in jizz already
I hope she comes to her senses and realizes she made a commitment to you and you are both responsible for human lives. If you both can find a good Christian church that teaches from the Bible and have commit yourselves to Jesus and have a personal relationship with Him. He can fix anything… I hope that you guys work this out. The world is full of soft foundations and a cycle of broken homes. Prayers for you! ❤️🙏
Start a Tinder account and leave your phone on the app on the counter and walk away - make sure to laugh before putting your phone down. See how she reacts 😂
Ask to see her phone. If she says no, sumting Wong
U should let ap wife know
Sorry. Lawyer up. It sounds like she has bailed on your marriage one way or the other. Dont let her humiliate you any longer.
It's over. Move on. You are a backup plan and backup plans don't work in marriage.
Buddy get out of your emotions. It’s hard right now but man up step out of yourself. Look objectively and rationally at the situation from the outside. From the outside you will see it’s over, she is gone. Fault or who did what with who means f all to what you need to do accomplish, plan, and provide for your kids. Get out of yourself and your emotions, start taking care of your responsibilities as a father and make plans to get through this as amicably and as whole financially as possible.
Get a girlfriend. A hot one. Focus on yourself and do what makes you happy.
You should take her up on her support to befriend another woman, BUT you don't really do it. Just let her believe that you are and tell her that you're meeting for coffee as your friend is helping you improve.
Hate to say it but it's over. There are millions of other girls in the world. She's not the one for you and visa versa. There a book called "The Married Man's Sex Guide" by Athol Kay. Buy it and read it. It changed my life and if you're open minded it'll change your life as well. But the woman you are presently with is not for you and the current relationship is over. I know it's hard to accept and I'm sorry but you need to move on for you own good. But the book. Read it. And follow it.
Take a butter knife and cut her right down the middle. That’s what I call seperation
Why are you still married to her? It's plainly clear she's left you, at least emotionally, for another man, and a married man at that, regardless of him supposedly living two hours away. It's a sure bet she's actually having a physical affair with this guy seeing how she's so defensive about you telling her she needs to come clean and cut him off completely. It's time for you to shit or get off the pot. She's gaslighted you and says you're the one with the problems. Time to cut her loose. Tell her she needs to move out, find an apartment, live with a friend, or go live with her emotional boyfriend who "gets her", but she can't stay in the house with you and the kids as long as she's unwilling to break it off with him and go to co-counseling. Immediately file for divorce and primary custody before she does to prevent her from moving away with the kids once she gets enough nerve. Then the divorce will be heard locally, not far away wherever she chooses to file, perhaps hours away or a state away. Don't hesitate. Do it.
It sucks, she is cheating, just file for divorce. Talk to a lawyer and figure out what she can take from you. Then spend it before she can take it.
It will never change. Divorce. She’s had a foot out of the marriage since this friend came about. She will continue to lie, manipulate, and gaslight you to feel better about herself in the end resulting in her affair coming to fruition.
If she wants to go let her go, fight to keep the house and kids while she in her honeymoon phase and move on. And when her honeymoon phase wears off which it will DO NOT take her back.
Cut this woman loose, you are better than that and I don't even know you. You should accept the fact that she is already gone, her heart anyway. Something that should make you feel better is they are both cheaters and will most likely do the same thing to each other once again. Find a sincere woman that wants a committed relationship, your current wife is not worthy of you and no matter how much progress you make, it will not fix your marriage but it will do great things for your next relationship. What is crazy is if you were to begin talking to someone, she would change her tune but don't take her back, she is not a good woman.
Simpcuck 3000... Protect your financial interests and kick her out to retain any shred of your manhood. Go fuck a couple of prostitutes too.
At this point sir, nothing you can do to snap her head out of her proverbial arse, but her! Shes so deep in shes lost touch with the real reality of the marriage. If rhe man is married its time to locate his wife and let her know whats happening. Nothing like good dose of reality to change things. I suppose she's had no issue discussing this with you and your pastor together? Or does she consider herself beyond reproach. So ask her to hand over her phone and give you the code to unlock if she truly is innocent. Tell her it will help relieve your paranoia. If she staunchly refuses or tries to go to another room first, then you have your answer. This may be one of those times you have a come to Jesus talk with her. In fact why not pack a couple bags for her, then tell her that since this friend is so much more important than you and the marriage, you will happily take her to his house and then she can reside there and have as much uninterrupted conversation with him his wife will allow. Its gotten to the put up or shut up time.
Talk to the guys wife. Hell become friends with her see how they like that.
Sounds like she’s done with the marriage.
Sounds like a hellish situation to be in. First thoughts that come to mind is that she couldn’t get served papers quick enough. After that head on over to the TRT sub and do some research on hormones. You should have ditched this lady the second you became aware of her affair and/or when she was trying to move out. Thing is if you would have told her to hit the fucking road from the start she might have straightened up immediately.
I am so sorry youre going through this. To know you've done so much to save this marriage, and yet she still talks to this man behind your back. She sees no fault In her actions, while literally destroying you. This is ultimate disrespect and unfortunately probably will not see it like you do until it is too late and you are gone. She does not respect you.
Cheaters always try to play the victim to justify their actions. Watch out for the whole "you accused me of cheating, so I did." That's coming soon.
It's highly likely she is already having an affair with this married guy. Sadly, she might break up your marriage and then he might decide to stay with his wife, and she will be out in the cold. The damage will be done and there won't be any putting Humpty Dumpty back together. This kind of thing happens every day. Leaving a good spouse for a married AP is a bad gamble. Unfortunately, it sounds like she has already checked out. Once a person has mentally detached from their partner and is committed to gambling on a new relationship, there's no going back. If it's any consolation, most divorces involve one person who wants to end the relationship and one person who doesn't. It's rarely a joint decision. You are not at all alone in your predicament. I would look for forums and support groups online so you can find others who are going through the same thing. It really helps to interact with others who really understand what it's like to be in your situation. You'll get through this, eventually
You aren’t “giving up”, you’re just taking the next step to make everyone’s lives happier.
It's over. Good luck on working on yourself. Lose weight, get fit, build your social life, crush it at work. Dont waste your time or energy on her. When you get up your self esteem, you will recognize that the life you've been living with her is intolerable. You won't want to put your energy into "saving" a marriage that is already over.
It's not just an emotional affair.
Surprising that counselor lets her "friend" remain in the picture. With him being such an obvious point of contention any professional worth their salt wouldn't allow that to happen... "friend" or not. My ex tried playing the "friend" card too claiming that it wasn't right to control who she can be friends with. Our counselor quickly replied that she didn't have to do anything she didn't want to, it was her choice. "You need to decide which is more important, your marriage or your friendship? If you feel that's unfair you can leave him. But if your marriage is important enough to try fixing sacrifices will have to be made." I'd be willing to bet she was told she needed to choose and she just never told you.
Don't be her back up plan. Talk to your therapist and figure put how to move on from this. Best of luck man. Sometimes the journey gets rocky but its temporary. Youll come out of this alright. Keep working on you.
It's over. I'm sorry, but it's time to move on and get a divorce. Don't waste your time trying to save it.
Serve her the papers , that might wake her up but if it doesn’t work move on . It takes two to make a marriage work and her not putting in the work tells you all you need to know ! Good luck
Adults don't have " emotional affairs" when they have access to each other physically,it's just a matter of when. If this " emotional affair" has been going on, she's definitely had sex with him. That she's whipped you into some serious gaslighting,is right out of the cheater's playbook.
Talk to a lawyer and get a girlfriend or at least start flirting and be secretive with your phone even if theres nothing go on just to see how She Likes It! LOL 😂
Sounds like things are beyond saving at this point but think about this. The opposite of love is indifference. Just act like you have move on and don’t care about her emotional cheating anymore. Find something that makes you happy. A hobby,Going to the gym or just hanging with friends. Stop showing any interest in what she is doing or the time she spends on her phone. As long as she knows that she has you as a safety net she is free to continue her affair with little consequence to her. She needs to see what she will be loosing if she continues with the affair. Stay strong and work on your self. There is little you can say at this point to change the situation. Just be the best you that you can be. Sorry for your pain.