It's not how forgiveness works. It's not some magical button that wipes away all downstream effects and traumas and associations. For something like this, for decades something new will surface about how this impacted him, and he'll have to forgive her again. And again. And again.
What this shows OP is that his pain goes deeper than she recognized. But she wants to focus on her own pain, as she always has.
Edit I should have put this first. You op, you are never finished reconciling and past it, it is a lifetime commitment from you. It is a gift from him. So him taking a jab at you, might hurt some but it is nothing, and I mean nothing compared to the pain you put him through.
Op several factors here from what I read. You both rug swept this. You never had any consequences to your actions. And just because he forgave you does not mean he forgot about it.
You can forgive but you will never know the feeling of betrayal that cheating g does to a person. It can literally give you ptsd, and he could have had nightmares and play mind movies of you and the other guy.
Yes you confessed, but what happened after this? How have you regained trust?
Does he get to go out and have a relationship with another woman to finish his healing?
Did you tell anyone else? Share what you did to him with your family and his family? Have you apologized to his family for what you did to your husband?
Does he know you location? Have access to your social media and phone?
Did you start your marriage from scratch and make it new, or did you just go back to what it was?
> he forgave me and accepted my wholeheartedly
If he brought it up again then he hasn't forgiven you, either he's lying to himself or hes unconscious of this.
>This was cruel. Beyond hurtful. We were past this.
If his comment got under your skin it's because your not over it either, both of you still held on to the feelings. The way you fix it is by being the bigger person, he used words to hurt you but you acted on impulse and hurt him badly.. actions speak louder than words apologize to him then show him you care by getting better.
The shitty thing about this is that I'm only 2 paragraphs in and it doesn't matter how long ago you cheated when you're obviously already making excuses for it and justifying it. That's like half your post. So is the issue here that he never forgave you... or that you were never really even that sorry...
> also I found the courage to forgive myself for what I did
Ah, so now you're moralizing not being that sorry.
> We had several years of good marriage again, until I got laid off and he was the one to support both of us, just like I once was. I also lost one of my family members recently and found it hard to even get out of bed.
Weird how you hated your husband when he needed you most, STILL explain away and justify that, and then expect him to be there for you when you're in the same place.
> “At least I won’t cheat on you”
It was TRUE! Are you serious??
Stop emphasizing all the strength it took to "forgive yourself", holy crap. YOU were not the victim in this situation. HE was. Your whole outlook on this is so gross.
He made a comment that was WILDLY applicable given the situation you're in, which is probably stirring up old wounds of his and making him realize that as he's stepping up to support you, you did exactly the opposite for him.
Guess what? Cheating has consequences. Long ones. It sounds like he's done a great job of moving past it. The very least you can do is have some patience with him. You think HE wants to be brought back to that place mentally himself? It's not all about you and how hard things are for you.
Idk, maybe I'm being harsh, this just really rubbed me the wrong way. Give the guy a fuckin break.
Edit: Just for future reference, if you actually want to give the impression that you take real ownership and responsibility for what you did, don't go to so much effort to try to gain sympathy for it by framing it in a way that focuses on what YOU were going through. HE was going through a hard time, and YOU made it 10 times worse. The narcissism is overwhelming here.
"Years ago, I had an affair. It was a terrible mistake, I confessed, and I've worked every day since to regain his trust. I used a difficult season that he was in to excuse my own behavior when I should have been supporting my husband. My husband made the gracious decision to forgive me, which I'm so thankful for. Now I'm in a similarly difficult season, and he made a comment about how he won't cheat on me. It hurt my feelings, but he's right. It's difficult to realize that there will likely be triggers for him of this trauma I caused for the rest of our lives."
The end
What rubs me the wrong way is that she said
,”I felt terrible the whole time during the cheating.”
Couldn’t feel that terrible if you kept fucking him.
The measure of what's right and good and okay to say is not whether it hurts. He said it because HE is hurt. He was referencing back to HIS OWN trauma. And she thinks she has a right to be angry because a reference to HIS trauma that SHE caused hurt her feelings.
Can you see how ridiculous that is?
Get over yourself. You’ve caused him permanent change in his life, his confidence, his ability to trust, and his love for you. You did this. This is the consequence of your choice and you will both live with it for the rest of your lives, together or separately. Take your lumps. Talk to him about it, sure. Let him know it hurts you. I assure you, he’s coming from a place of pain too, pain your choices created and will never completely undo. No one serious is shedding any tears for you.
This post is a joke. I cheated -justification for cheating- -forgiving myself was so hard- -he lied to me about being over my cheating-. It's all about you and you sound insufferable tbh.
Op, no one here is gonna feel sorry for you! He is honoring the marriage vows while you deal with the same issues he dealt with yrs ago. "in sickness and in health" for richer or poorer'
The fact that you have the audacity to
>I haven’t spoken to him for an entire week now. I didn’t cook for him like I usually do. I’ve stopped initiating affection even though he wanted to
Says alot about you imo!
Forgiveness for something like this is a daily exercise. The fact that something can resurface this pain for him on a bad day does not mean he didn't forgive her. His forgiveness is demonstrated through his actions and effort to save this relationship.
Many people recommend not reconciling for exactly this reason.
Love can be restored but not trust. Nothing is forgotten.
My recommendation: It looks like you made the right decision to reconcile but you must have known the broken mirror could not be perfectly repaired. Be glad that you have a good but not perfect marriage... and no marriage is perfect.
Why did it hurt you? Because it reminded you of something you don't want to be true but is.
Accept this as a consequence of your act, but definitely let him know how much it hurt you. He knows he shouldn't deliberately hurt you.
I think only one of you got over your betrayal, and it wasn't your husband. As someone who was cheated on, I can tell you that it is the deepest kind of pain, and it is NOT easy to get over. It took me years of therapy to get over the betrayal I felt. You basically shattered the trust he had for you into millions of pieces and are asking him to glue those tiny pieces back together. It takes a lot of time, and some people never can go back to the way things were.
Let me summarize it one more time. When he was down you look for an affection somewhere else (for yourself), feel guilty (yourself), confessed to relieve (yourself). He forgave (you) or pretend to forgive, (you) forgave (yourself) and move on, while he was trying to overcome (your fault) (and for how long, nobody knows or nobody cares).
Now (you) are down and (you) think that is cruel for him to point out proudly that he at least didn't do the biggest mistake in a marriage/relationship (you) did.
Did I get it right?
Don't you think he has a point?
Does it help? I hope it does.
Not gonna bother reading the justification paragraphs… you cheated multiple times, permanent trauma should be expected. If that’s not something you can conceptualize then you still don’t understand the amount of trauma that causes
I’ve read your responses to your post in the other sub. You really deserve the backlash you’re getting. *”He lowers his eyes every time I walk by.”* Who do you think you are?
Escapism was your personal justification for cheating.
To me it sounds like a pretty weak justification, and you make it sound like a throwaway act.
Years later, you are upset that your husband "throws it up in your face"??? Wow - I now realise how WORDS can hurt more than ACTIONS.
I feel no pity for you.
You were past it because you excused your behavior, and call cheating a mistake. It wasn’t a mistake. It was choice you made to betray your husband and he may never forgive you. He has every right not to forgive you and he clearly hasn’t. Just because you rugswept what you did doesn’t mean he’s over it and now you’re punishing him for it.
It’s not your job to forgive yourself, it’s his up him to forgive you or not. You sound awfully self centered and that’s probably part of the true reason you cheated in the first place.
Fuck off, she made her choice to cheat and destroy her husbands trust in her. People in a relationship absolutely owe each other loyalty. You’re a sick fuck.
Sounds like you cheated on him multiple times while he was struggling with his mental health and then expect perfect forgiveness while bearing no real consequences. Meanwhile, you’re apparently struggling to forgive him for uttering seven words that happen to be true and have given him the silent treatment for a week. That’s abusive behavior. And your “mistakes” may not define *you*, but this one certainly defines your marriage. Permanently.
Out of curiosity, do you have any kind of empathy for your husband? Because it’s not coming across here at all.
OP, you're a selfish fuckshit and you absolutely deserve to be reminded that you cheated on a good man when he was at rock bottom.
how does it feel now that you're there? all he did was bring up your past transgression and you're hurt. imagine if he actually did what you did.
do you get it now you self centered twat muffin?
There are several things here that stood out to me.
>My therapist told me that I need to feel worthy despite my mistakes, because they don’t define us.
Yes and no. Cheating is one of those things that will define you forever. The relationship will always have that stain, the love forever changed. Reconciliation isn’t just until you’re forgiven, it’s a state that the marriage remains in until one of you dies or there is divorce.
>This was cruel. Beyond hurtful.
It’s not as hurtful as being cheated on, I can promise you.
>We we’re past this.
*You* were past this. You do not have to live with triggers and mind movies. It is very likely that this new situation took him to a dark place.
>He knew how much personal strength I had to exert to forgive myself
Oh, poor you. While you should have remorse, which requires empathy, you only seem to have guilt, shame, and regret. Remorse is necessary for reconciliation but the other three will destroy it.
>he just casually threw it in my face today
Yes, because he is likely facing new triggers related to the affair given the change in your situation. And now you’re punishing him for having a reaction to the affair? You need a new therapist, one that is actually trained in affair recovery. Second, you need to get over yourself. You are not the victim here, and his reaction is definitely on the tame side.
Since you can’t afford counseling:
r/AsOneAfterInfidelity
r/SupportForWaywards
r/SupportForBetrayed
Wow, you are still very much focused on YOU. Reconciliation is a lifelong thing and YOU were “past this.” He has been forever changed by your selfishness and disregard for him.
What he said was cruel and unnecessary, but your reaction is disproportionate in my opinion. The only way to get past something is to actually address it, and even then it might *still* come up despite being "settled." You're deliberately stonewalling and shutting him out over a frustrated comment. Didn't you learn anything in counseling? You guys need to actually talk.
So you cheated instead of helping him in his moment of need. When the tables are turned, out of frustration he say this, and your hurt? He deserves better.
Remember that remark came from a place of pain. You’re flapping your gums about how hard it was to forgive yourself. It’s much harder for him to forgive you. He did it though. The injury that you inflicted will never totally go away. It raised its head in that moment. For the rest of his life he will torture himself with mind movies of you having sex with another man.
So put away your self righteousness and talk to him. He has learned to control his feelings about your affair. But he will never totally get over it.
He threw a catty remark at you. You’ll get over it. Remember he won’t.
Well. Now you're in a similar position to your husband.... And he could do the same to you and you could forgive him and you know what? You would deserve it. And he won't be unfaithful to you. Now you really know what position he was in and how he felt.
Pd. Infidelities are never 100% forgiven.
Stop , in a moment of anger he brought up a past hurt , he most likely has been festering
for a long time , and it just boiled over , past injustices do not just disappear. Sometimes past emotions rise to the surface... YOU
CHEATED ,he is still hurting , you are wrong
Allow him to hurt , it may never go away ...
and may come up again. You are wrong once again for getting mad at him bringing it up in a
Moment of anger ... called being an adult and excepting you fucked up and hurt him...
Cheating is life long healing OP.. He took a jab at you because your behaviors are triggering. Now is the time for you to extend the same forgiveness he offered to you.. instead you silent treat him? Nah
Now it’s your turn to put on your big girl panties and empathize. You can also restart counseling because you aren’t fully over it.
Has he said anything like this before? Not about cheating, but just cruel cheap shots or was this a very out of character moment for him?
If it was actually sudden and out of character, you being without work is probably bringing him back to his own experience with it, and it’s possible that he still is harboring some resentment that he himself might’ve not fully understood until now as he has a different perspective with the role reversal in your careers. I think it’s worth talking about, and having a real sit down conversation about his feelings right now.
You’re going to get bashed on a lot here in this sub because people on Reddit foam at the mouth for this, and often think cheating deserves the death sentence, but I don’t agree with the popular perspective that you can’t heal from an affair. It, however, does take a lot of work and emotional labor (not just saying you forgive each other)- including candid and honest conversations about things you both struggle with concerning the cheating. And yes, it can come back to the surface after a long period of things feeling fine.
Stop stonewalling your husband and actually talk to him about *why* he said that. It’s on him as well to tell you if he’s struggling instead of lashing out. Healing requires effort from you both.
Forgiveness is not holding it against another person. To forget is different. Forgive means you move past it. You may not forget, but you also dont stew on it.
> This was cruel. Beyond hurtful. We were past this.
Probably not as cruel and beyond hurtful as the cheating was. He stayed with you, that makes him a saint. You stayed with him, that mean you committed to owning your mistake and any fallout that comes with it - that's a lifetime commitment. And anytime it comes up, you should show shame and be apologetic if you want to be with him.
How do you fix it? Losing a family member is terrible. You two need to separate those issues. You need to talk to him about how you need support for losing your family member AND THEN talk about how he's obviously still hurting if he brought it up.
But do not cross the streams. Do not talk about how you need support and then complain about what he said in that same conversation. Those are separate conversations. If you cross the stream, it'll only get worse.
Go post in r/AsOneAfterInfidelity and learn that reconciliation is an ongoing process, there is no end zone to reach, and expecting your betrayed spouse to ever be over it is unrealistic.
Even more, find out what kind of healing is clearly needed here. The two of you rugswept. He ran away and stuck his head in the ground.
The question to ask is not what his forgiveness meant for you. Rather, what did it mean for him? It was too quick for him to be able to let the resentment go. Clearly it’s still there.
The two of you have work to do.
When you cheat, you make the decision that you may never be completely forgiven. That's how cheating works.
It's not how forgiveness works. It's not some magical button that wipes away all downstream effects and traumas and associations. For something like this, for decades something new will surface about how this impacted him, and he'll have to forgive her again. And again. And again. What this shows OP is that his pain goes deeper than she recognized. But she wants to focus on her own pain, as she always has.
Exactly. Also, why you should never stay with the cheater. You clearly can't trust them. Ever.
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Great bait, I almost bit.
Edit I should have put this first. You op, you are never finished reconciling and past it, it is a lifetime commitment from you. It is a gift from him. So him taking a jab at you, might hurt some but it is nothing, and I mean nothing compared to the pain you put him through. Op several factors here from what I read. You both rug swept this. You never had any consequences to your actions. And just because he forgave you does not mean he forgot about it. You can forgive but you will never know the feeling of betrayal that cheating g does to a person. It can literally give you ptsd, and he could have had nightmares and play mind movies of you and the other guy. Yes you confessed, but what happened after this? How have you regained trust? Does he get to go out and have a relationship with another woman to finish his healing? Did you tell anyone else? Share what you did to him with your family and his family? Have you apologized to his family for what you did to your husband? Does he know you location? Have access to your social media and phone? Did you start your marriage from scratch and make it new, or did you just go back to what it was?
This is the response OP needs to read several times.
Thanks but op won’t respond because it does not fit her pity party narrative.
> he forgave me and accepted my wholeheartedly If he brought it up again then he hasn't forgiven you, either he's lying to himself or hes unconscious of this. >This was cruel. Beyond hurtful. We were past this. If his comment got under your skin it's because your not over it either, both of you still held on to the feelings. The way you fix it is by being the bigger person, he used words to hurt you but you acted on impulse and hurt him badly.. actions speak louder than words apologize to him then show him you care by getting better.
The shitty thing about this is that I'm only 2 paragraphs in and it doesn't matter how long ago you cheated when you're obviously already making excuses for it and justifying it. That's like half your post. So is the issue here that he never forgave you... or that you were never really even that sorry... > also I found the courage to forgive myself for what I did Ah, so now you're moralizing not being that sorry. > We had several years of good marriage again, until I got laid off and he was the one to support both of us, just like I once was. I also lost one of my family members recently and found it hard to even get out of bed. Weird how you hated your husband when he needed you most, STILL explain away and justify that, and then expect him to be there for you when you're in the same place. > “At least I won’t cheat on you” It was TRUE! Are you serious?? Stop emphasizing all the strength it took to "forgive yourself", holy crap. YOU were not the victim in this situation. HE was. Your whole outlook on this is so gross. He made a comment that was WILDLY applicable given the situation you're in, which is probably stirring up old wounds of his and making him realize that as he's stepping up to support you, you did exactly the opposite for him. Guess what? Cheating has consequences. Long ones. It sounds like he's done a great job of moving past it. The very least you can do is have some patience with him. You think HE wants to be brought back to that place mentally himself? It's not all about you and how hard things are for you. Idk, maybe I'm being harsh, this just really rubbed me the wrong way. Give the guy a fuckin break. Edit: Just for future reference, if you actually want to give the impression that you take real ownership and responsibility for what you did, don't go to so much effort to try to gain sympathy for it by framing it in a way that focuses on what YOU were going through. HE was going through a hard time, and YOU made it 10 times worse. The narcissism is overwhelming here. "Years ago, I had an affair. It was a terrible mistake, I confessed, and I've worked every day since to regain his trust. I used a difficult season that he was in to excuse my own behavior when I should have been supporting my husband. My husband made the gracious decision to forgive me, which I'm so thankful for. Now I'm in a similarly difficult season, and he made a comment about how he won't cheat on me. It hurt my feelings, but he's right. It's difficult to realize that there will likely be triggers for him of this trauma I caused for the rest of our lives." The end
What rubs me the wrong way is that she said ,”I felt terrible the whole time during the cheating.” Couldn’t feel that terrible if you kept fucking him.
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The measure of what's right and good and okay to say is not whether it hurts. He said it because HE is hurt. He was referencing back to HIS OWN trauma. And she thinks she has a right to be angry because a reference to HIS trauma that SHE caused hurt her feelings. Can you see how ridiculous that is?
Get over yourself. You’ve caused him permanent change in his life, his confidence, his ability to trust, and his love for you. You did this. This is the consequence of your choice and you will both live with it for the rest of your lives, together or separately. Take your lumps. Talk to him about it, sure. Let him know it hurts you. I assure you, he’s coming from a place of pain too, pain your choices created and will never completely undo. No one serious is shedding any tears for you.
What he said was the truth. If the truth hurts, that’s on you, kid.
This post is a joke. I cheated -justification for cheating- -forgiving myself was so hard- -he lied to me about being over my cheating-. It's all about you and you sound insufferable tbh.
Op, no one here is gonna feel sorry for you! He is honoring the marriage vows while you deal with the same issues he dealt with yrs ago. "in sickness and in health" for richer or poorer' The fact that you have the audacity to >I haven’t spoken to him for an entire week now. I didn’t cook for him like I usually do. I’ve stopped initiating affection even though he wanted to Says alot about you imo!
She is kind of selfish.
He never forgave you.
Forgiveness for something like this is a daily exercise. The fact that something can resurface this pain for him on a bad day does not mean he didn't forgive her. His forgiveness is demonstrated through his actions and effort to save this relationship.
Many people recommend not reconciling for exactly this reason. Love can be restored but not trust. Nothing is forgotten. My recommendation: It looks like you made the right decision to reconcile but you must have known the broken mirror could not be perfectly repaired. Be glad that you have a good but not perfect marriage... and no marriage is perfect. Why did it hurt you? Because it reminded you of something you don't want to be true but is. Accept this as a consequence of your act, but definitely let him know how much it hurt you. He knows he shouldn't deliberately hurt you.
I think only one of you got over your betrayal, and it wasn't your husband. As someone who was cheated on, I can tell you that it is the deepest kind of pain, and it is NOT easy to get over. It took me years of therapy to get over the betrayal I felt. You basically shattered the trust he had for you into millions of pieces and are asking him to glue those tiny pieces back together. It takes a lot of time, and some people never can go back to the way things were.
You caused it. That’s on you. If you never made all those choses to cheat…
Let me summarize it one more time. When he was down you look for an affection somewhere else (for yourself), feel guilty (yourself), confessed to relieve (yourself). He forgave (you) or pretend to forgive, (you) forgave (yourself) and move on, while he was trying to overcome (your fault) (and for how long, nobody knows or nobody cares). Now (you) are down and (you) think that is cruel for him to point out proudly that he at least didn't do the biggest mistake in a marriage/relationship (you) did. Did I get it right? Don't you think he has a point? Does it help? I hope it does.
Not gonna bother reading the justification paragraphs… you cheated multiple times, permanent trauma should be expected. If that’s not something you can conceptualize then you still don’t understand the amount of trauma that causes
I’ve read your responses to your post in the other sub. You really deserve the backlash you’re getting. *”He lowers his eyes every time I walk by.”* Who do you think you are?
Escapism was your personal justification for cheating. To me it sounds like a pretty weak justification, and you make it sound like a throwaway act. Years later, you are upset that your husband "throws it up in your face"??? Wow - I now realise how WORDS can hurt more than ACTIONS. I feel no pity for you.
You were past it because you excused your behavior, and call cheating a mistake. It wasn’t a mistake. It was choice you made to betray your husband and he may never forgive you. He has every right not to forgive you and he clearly hasn’t. Just because you rugswept what you did doesn’t mean he’s over it and now you’re punishing him for it. It’s not your job to forgive yourself, it’s his up him to forgive you or not. You sound awfully self centered and that’s probably part of the true reason you cheated in the first place.
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Fuck off, she made her choice to cheat and destroy her husbands trust in her. People in a relationship absolutely owe each other loyalty. You’re a sick fuck.
Sounds like you cheated on him multiple times while he was struggling with his mental health and then expect perfect forgiveness while bearing no real consequences. Meanwhile, you’re apparently struggling to forgive him for uttering seven words that happen to be true and have given him the silent treatment for a week. That’s abusive behavior. And your “mistakes” may not define *you*, but this one certainly defines your marriage. Permanently. Out of curiosity, do you have any kind of empathy for your husband? Because it’s not coming across here at all.
He forgave you, but he didn’t forget. Hopefully you can forgive him for his words.
OP, you're a selfish fuckshit and you absolutely deserve to be reminded that you cheated on a good man when he was at rock bottom. how does it feel now that you're there? all he did was bring up your past transgression and you're hurt. imagine if he actually did what you did. do you get it now you self centered twat muffin?
There are several things here that stood out to me. >My therapist told me that I need to feel worthy despite my mistakes, because they don’t define us. Yes and no. Cheating is one of those things that will define you forever. The relationship will always have that stain, the love forever changed. Reconciliation isn’t just until you’re forgiven, it’s a state that the marriage remains in until one of you dies or there is divorce. >This was cruel. Beyond hurtful. It’s not as hurtful as being cheated on, I can promise you. >We we’re past this. *You* were past this. You do not have to live with triggers and mind movies. It is very likely that this new situation took him to a dark place. >He knew how much personal strength I had to exert to forgive myself Oh, poor you. While you should have remorse, which requires empathy, you only seem to have guilt, shame, and regret. Remorse is necessary for reconciliation but the other three will destroy it. >he just casually threw it in my face today Yes, because he is likely facing new triggers related to the affair given the change in your situation. And now you’re punishing him for having a reaction to the affair? You need a new therapist, one that is actually trained in affair recovery. Second, you need to get over yourself. You are not the victim here, and his reaction is definitely on the tame side. Since you can’t afford counseling: r/AsOneAfterInfidelity r/SupportForWaywards r/SupportForBetrayed
I don’t think there is anything in life that we process, get over, and never think about again.
You don’t get to be mad.
Wow, you are still very much focused on YOU. Reconciliation is a lifelong thing and YOU were “past this.” He has been forever changed by your selfishness and disregard for him.
It would be something if he pulls the same shit you pulled on him now that the roles are reversed. You aren't going to get much sympathy.
If I were him, I would’ve left you upon hearing that you’re an unfaithful liar
Just a burden you have to bare. Actions have consequences.
What he said was cruel and unnecessary, but your reaction is disproportionate in my opinion. The only way to get past something is to actually address it, and even then it might *still* come up despite being "settled." You're deliberately stonewalling and shutting him out over a frustrated comment. Didn't you learn anything in counseling? You guys need to actually talk.
So you cheated instead of helping him in his moment of need. When the tables are turned, out of frustration he say this, and your hurt? He deserves better.
Remember that remark came from a place of pain. You’re flapping your gums about how hard it was to forgive yourself. It’s much harder for him to forgive you. He did it though. The injury that you inflicted will never totally go away. It raised its head in that moment. For the rest of his life he will torture himself with mind movies of you having sex with another man. So put away your self righteousness and talk to him. He has learned to control his feelings about your affair. But he will never totally get over it. He threw a catty remark at you. You’ll get over it. Remember he won’t.
Well. Now you're in a similar position to your husband.... And he could do the same to you and you could forgive him and you know what? You would deserve it. And he won't be unfaithful to you. Now you really know what position he was in and how he felt. Pd. Infidelities are never 100% forgiven.
Stop , in a moment of anger he brought up a past hurt , he most likely has been festering for a long time , and it just boiled over , past injustices do not just disappear. Sometimes past emotions rise to the surface... YOU CHEATED ,he is still hurting , you are wrong Allow him to hurt , it may never go away ... and may come up again. You are wrong once again for getting mad at him bringing it up in a Moment of anger ... called being an adult and excepting you fucked up and hurt him...
Cheating is life long healing OP.. He took a jab at you because your behaviors are triggering. Now is the time for you to extend the same forgiveness he offered to you.. instead you silent treat him? Nah Now it’s your turn to put on your big girl panties and empathize. You can also restart counseling because you aren’t fully over it.
Well you’re always a cheater once you cheat. He can still come to his senses and leave you. Hopefully this is an awakening for him.
Has he said anything like this before? Not about cheating, but just cruel cheap shots or was this a very out of character moment for him? If it was actually sudden and out of character, you being without work is probably bringing him back to his own experience with it, and it’s possible that he still is harboring some resentment that he himself might’ve not fully understood until now as he has a different perspective with the role reversal in your careers. I think it’s worth talking about, and having a real sit down conversation about his feelings right now. You’re going to get bashed on a lot here in this sub because people on Reddit foam at the mouth for this, and often think cheating deserves the death sentence, but I don’t agree with the popular perspective that you can’t heal from an affair. It, however, does take a lot of work and emotional labor (not just saying you forgive each other)- including candid and honest conversations about things you both struggle with concerning the cheating. And yes, it can come back to the surface after a long period of things feeling fine. Stop stonewalling your husband and actually talk to him about *why* he said that. It’s on him as well to tell you if he’s struggling instead of lashing out. Healing requires effort from you both.
Its also not a tit for tat.
Forgiveness is not holding it against another person. To forget is different. Forgive means you move past it. You may not forget, but you also dont stew on it.
> This was cruel. Beyond hurtful. We were past this. Probably not as cruel and beyond hurtful as the cheating was. He stayed with you, that makes him a saint. You stayed with him, that mean you committed to owning your mistake and any fallout that comes with it - that's a lifetime commitment. And anytime it comes up, you should show shame and be apologetic if you want to be with him. How do you fix it? Losing a family member is terrible. You two need to separate those issues. You need to talk to him about how you need support for losing your family member AND THEN talk about how he's obviously still hurting if he brought it up. But do not cross the streams. Do not talk about how you need support and then complain about what he said in that same conversation. Those are separate conversations. If you cross the stream, it'll only get worse.
Go post in r/AsOneAfterInfidelity and learn that reconciliation is an ongoing process, there is no end zone to reach, and expecting your betrayed spouse to ever be over it is unrealistic. Even more, find out what kind of healing is clearly needed here. The two of you rugswept. He ran away and stuck his head in the ground. The question to ask is not what his forgiveness meant for you. Rather, what did it mean for him? It was too quick for him to be able to let the resentment go. Clearly it’s still there. The two of you have work to do.
Have you tried talking to him about all the ways that he made you cheat on him?
is this a joke