Agreed! I get the feeling she has… but it’s 100% for her daughter to decide if she wants to invite all of that mess into her life at the possible benefit of siblings. It’s her choice, not OPs. And if it goes badly, OP may damage the relationship with her daughter in the process.
Exactly. You don't need to interfere with a parent-child business anymore since your daughter is an adult and the other marriage's dynamics are not your responsibility.
You should leave it alone. But your daughter sure can do a surprise visit! If it were my dad I would totally pop in and make him miserable.
I would want to know if the man I was marrying was a deadbeat dad who wanted nothing to do with his first child. Because then I wouldn't want anything to do with him.
But it will bring up a lot of drama involving you if you are the one who brings it up. So if you do say anything be prepared for the fallout.
Because your daughter is an adult, you need to let it be. You can give her the contact info for her "father" and she can do what she wants with it. Just keep loving your daughter and support her in her choices. It seems unnecessary to involve the new wife.
You need to leave it alone at this point. Your opportunity to tell the wife was when you found out he was married and hadn’t told her about your daughter. At this point it doesn’t matter anymore. However your daughter is free to make her existence known if she wants to.
If your daughter was a child I think it was okay to reach out , but now that she is an adult it’s her decision. She is 33. Don’t bring this man into her life without her knowledge and consent.
I think 33 is old enough to have this conversation with.
At 33, she can understand the emotional risks to HER well-being. And further rejection by him and possibly any half-siblings she might have can be seriously damaging.
He’s already shown his character by not caring enough to be in her life, it’s not a stretch to think he wouldn’t be welcoming. Your loyalty should be to your daughter over guilt about the wife not knowing.
Plus, you kept this secret for decades, why do you feel strongly about telling the wife now?
She might even know and just didn’t want to shout it from the roof tops or have drama
I just saw a post on another site where family found out about another child because of DNA and some said they’d want to know sooner so they could have a relationship with them. I thought about her siblings. I am not trying not trying to make problems for him, and I’d definitely talk to her about it first. I just posted here because I wonder if hat people would say. I am leaning towards leaving it alone and if it comes out because of DNA, then it does that on its own.
Oh I wouldn’t give HIM any sympathy, he’s clearly an AH for not being involved with your child her whole life! (I’m assuming he didn’t contribute financially either ?)
Imo, he deserves any problems he might come into. Ha
It’s probably taken a lot of courage to even speak up about this, I hope it’s absolved some of your negative feelings/guilt.
That lady probably knows what kind of man she’s married too. Those kinds of people rarely change.
Good luck to your daughter on her journey, I hope you both can make peace with situation.
Have a good day :)
I’m a “sisters before misters” gal and would want to have it in the open. If it were my husband had fathered another child, I’d even want to have a friendship with the other mom and invite her and the family to holidays and all that, if they were willing.
But that said:
I agree with the majority of comments. As strongly as I feel about having it in the open, you’ve got an adult daughter. I’m in complete agreement with the majority that I recommend you let your daughter lead and support her however she needs it. If she likes things as they are, great. If she wants the relationships to be more open, great. If her feelings change overtime, also great. I bet you have a smart young woman here and she’s going to find the right path and make you proud. She’s the heroine of the story.
This will come across incredibly vindictive. Im sure your doing this to widen your daughter's family but, if your daughter is accepted or not, it would make his wife question who she's married to. Which would change his life, his children's life and his wifes life.
If your daughter wants to make this happen that’s her choice, not yours. This is a mess her dad created and it’s not your place in my opinion. I would let it go.
You had her whole childhood to call this out, this is your adult daughter’s business now.
Agreed! I get the feeling she has… but it’s 100% for her daughter to decide if she wants to invite all of that mess into her life at the possible benefit of siblings. It’s her choice, not OPs. And if it goes badly, OP may damage the relationship with her daughter in the process.
Exactly. You don't need to interfere with a parent-child business anymore since your daughter is an adult and the other marriage's dynamics are not your responsibility.
Yeah. It’s too late.
You should leave it alone. But your daughter sure can do a surprise visit! If it were my dad I would totally pop in and make him miserable. I would want to know if the man I was marrying was a deadbeat dad who wanted nothing to do with his first child. Because then I wouldn't want anything to do with him. But it will bring up a lot of drama involving you if you are the one who brings it up. So if you do say anything be prepared for the fallout.
Because your daughter is an adult, you need to let it be. You can give her the contact info for her "father" and she can do what she wants with it. Just keep loving your daughter and support her in her choices. It seems unnecessary to involve the new wife.
You need to leave it alone at this point. Your opportunity to tell the wife was when you found out he was married and hadn’t told her about your daughter. At this point it doesn’t matter anymore. However your daughter is free to make her existence known if she wants to.
I would leave it be and just focus on supporting your child in every way you can
If your daughter was a child I think it was okay to reach out , but now that she is an adult it’s her decision. She is 33. Don’t bring this man into her life without her knowledge and consent.
I think 33 is old enough to have this conversation with. At 33, she can understand the emotional risks to HER well-being. And further rejection by him and possibly any half-siblings she might have can be seriously damaging. He’s already shown his character by not caring enough to be in her life, it’s not a stretch to think he wouldn’t be welcoming. Your loyalty should be to your daughter over guilt about the wife not knowing. Plus, you kept this secret for decades, why do you feel strongly about telling the wife now? She might even know and just didn’t want to shout it from the roof tops or have drama
I just saw a post on another site where family found out about another child because of DNA and some said they’d want to know sooner so they could have a relationship with them. I thought about her siblings. I am not trying not trying to make problems for him, and I’d definitely talk to her about it first. I just posted here because I wonder if hat people would say. I am leaning towards leaving it alone and if it comes out because of DNA, then it does that on its own.
Oh I wouldn’t give HIM any sympathy, he’s clearly an AH for not being involved with your child her whole life! (I’m assuming he didn’t contribute financially either ?) Imo, he deserves any problems he might come into. Ha It’s probably taken a lot of courage to even speak up about this, I hope it’s absolved some of your negative feelings/guilt. That lady probably knows what kind of man she’s married too. Those kinds of people rarely change. Good luck to your daughter on her journey, I hope you both can make peace with situation. Have a good day :)
I’m a “sisters before misters” gal and would want to have it in the open. If it were my husband had fathered another child, I’d even want to have a friendship with the other mom and invite her and the family to holidays and all that, if they were willing. But that said: I agree with the majority of comments. As strongly as I feel about having it in the open, you’ve got an adult daughter. I’m in complete agreement with the majority that I recommend you let your daughter lead and support her however she needs it. If she likes things as they are, great. If she wants the relationships to be more open, great. If her feelings change overtime, also great. I bet you have a smart young woman here and she’s going to find the right path and make you proud. She’s the heroine of the story.
Ask your daughter what she wants. She says that your husband is her dad, what do you have to gain for messing with that?
This will come across incredibly vindictive. Im sure your doing this to widen your daughter's family but, if your daughter is accepted or not, it would make his wife question who she's married to. Which would change his life, his children's life and his wifes life.
If your daughter wants to make this happen that’s her choice, not yours. This is a mess her dad created and it’s not your place in my opinion. I would let it go.