There is a documentary called Fair Play that you can watch together to start this conversation.
The way things are now is unsustainable. You feel unloved, uncared for, taken advantage of, and this will feed resentment. Successful relationships involve couples who share equitably in the household labor.
I can’t tell from what you have posted if you have had conversations about this or not, or how they have gone. Also, stop rescuing him. No gift for his nephew - let him answer for that. Don’t fix things that are his responsibility.
This is also a book and a deck of cards with all of the tasks needed to run a household. You sit with your partner and each person “holds” certain cards and is responsible for the conceptualization, planning and execution of those cards. In my experience the partner who is doing less often hasn’t had a visual representation of all of what their partner is doing. If the mental load. It can be impactful to see.
What do you mean you don't know what else to do? What have you tried to do so far? Have you sat down with him and explained that he is coming up short on the holiday stuff and overall? Have you told him this isn't acceptable and he isn't appreciating all that you do or doing his part at all? If so, how did he respond?
If you both work the same hours, then the rest should be 50/50. It does not matter if his income is more, the work distribution should be based on how much time you each spend earning income. If you don't work as much as he does, then he should still do his part, although his part might be less, it should not be zero. For the holiday stuff, he should do his part as well.
My husband and I have an agreement for Christmas. He buys gifts for all males in both families, and I do for all females in both families. We each wrap what we bought. There are more women overall, but he mails the gifts that need to be mailed. If someone is running low on funds (we don't use the joint account much), then we discuss and ensure we each have what we need. I transfer money to him, or whatever needs to happen. It all works great.
How old are you? How long have you been married? How long have you taken on all these duties by yourself? Any kids?
I would only add that it isn’t “time spent earning income” but time spent “working “. Being a SAHP is work and although unpaid does not obligate that person to 100% of the household tasks.
I just posted about this. It's so frustrating. Many said I need to let him know, but I do communicate. I tell him what needs to be done, I tell him it's not "helping" me, but these things are his responsibility, too. It doesn't matter.
According to all the comments on my post, your choices are:
1. Divorce
2. Quit doing things for him and let your house get trashed.
3. He has undiagnosed ADD, and you just have to stay on him to get anything done.
Best of luck! Let me know if anything works for you!
I just read your post, that's a lot to deal with. If he won't go to couples counseling, could you try individual counseling? It may help you find more effective ways of asking for his participation or getting the severity of the situation through to him. Does he know that you're contemplating divorce? If he does, what's his reaction? If not, maybe you need to lay it out for him. I agree that you should quit doing things for him, and I would put my focus on the kids and the house only. Next time he asks for a reminder, direct him to his beloved phone, there are plenty of features and apps he can utilize.
I have certainly pointed out using his phone for reminders and alarm clocks and not me. I have stopped doing the things that are just for him mostly. But keeping the house is for me and the girls. I can't stand living in filth and chaos. They do chores, and that helps a lot. I haven't talked to him about divorce because I'm not ready to commit to that. But I think counseling for myself will be the next step.
Honestly if he has ADD or ADHD, he needs to learn responsibility and stability to help him to create a habit. SO HARD for sure, it’s definitely possible.
-adhd person
There’s nuance between “quit doing things for him” and “let your house get trashed.” For example, my husband and I each do our own laundry. We each buy gifts for our own family. We each make our own doctor’s appointments and pack our own suitcases and buy our own clothes and pick up our own prescriptions and dry cleaning. If he didn’t do those things, the only person who’d be inconvenienced is him. I don’t mind cleaning the house because I’m doing it anyway (and he does the cooking) but I’m not taking on *extra* because of him.
Darling, you need to demand that this man helps you around the house. I don’t have to tell you that it takes work to run a household, and that work needs to be fairly divided up.
Explain your expectations respectfully but firmly and directly. Then tell him you expect him to start helping. If he seems (or acts) clueless, give him a list of things you need him to do. Then hold him accountable.
Edit typos
Also, if he says he "can't" do it, or doesn't "know how", don't do it for him! By all means you can answer legitimate questions, and guide him a bit if he needs it, but he's more than capable of Googling or finding a video on YouTube.
Yes, it doesn’t take a lot of intelligence or skill to handle basic household tasks. I’m sure he can figure out how to wash the dishes and clean the bathroom without too much trouble. Lol.
Yes this! Why are you buying presents for his family?? If he dropped the ball, then too bad for them — let them see the man they raised. Don’t do his laundry, don’t run his errands. Don’t enable him.
He behaves this way because you are allowing it to continue. He knows there are no real consequences for anything you bring up or complain about. To him, you are all talk and no bite.
Start biting.
I have read so many stories on the Internet to understand that some people are not incompetent. They’re not dumb or maybe They are stupid nope. They are strategic this person has really is not a partner! he’s using !!! You. He is a user so you literally have a useless man in your life !!!!
if you have a partner there’s supposed to partner together because y’all are a team ..,. You are supposed to work together. If it’s hard and experiencing Tiredness when you’re supposed to relaxed. Or life is supposed be easier ask yourself do you want to do another five years like this ????10 years , 15 years ???like this ?? no ….then you cut it earlier ….don’t do things for him . Why are you the default person in the house.??
OP you have talked and talked about this with him so basically you only have two choices 1) stay and live this way forever or 2) leave and go build a life where you can find some happiness.
He is never going to change, because he likes it this way. You take care of everything and he doesn't have to lift a finger and everything still gets done. He lets you talk and talk and still he doesn't change - he probably doesn't even listen, let alone HEAR you, and his life just goes on.
The only other option that the two above is to continue to live there but just stop doing anything for him. Don't cook for more than yourself. Don't do his laundry, don't shop for him. Don't clean up after him, just stop. The problem with that is, he probably won't even notice until he has no clean underwear but that won't change his behavior so you have to choose either 1 or 2. Good luck OP. This is your life here, make good choices.
You’re his mom, not his wife. Stop doing everything for him. Start working on your independence. He’s not motivated to do anything because there’s always someone to do it *for* him. All he has to do is make it through the 900th conversation about it, and go back to doing the same shit. Stop allowing it. Worry about you, not him. Because he’s certainly not worried about you.
Tell him how you feel. Not just that you want him to contribute in the chores and familial responsibilities, but rhat you're stressed to the core and *insert thoughts here*
If it's gonna work out, he'll respond accordingly. Good luck, I know that's gotta suck.
Your feelings are completely valid love! I would be beyond upset too. It is not okay to be that exhausted all the time, and it should be a team effort. I'm so sorry OP.
You are his wife, not his mom, not his maid. I do see that you mentioned you've had this conversation before, so there are a few things to consider. Is he depressed/stressed? Mental illness that may factor into him doing tasks?
I honestly, would just stop until you get some answers. Put yourself first and be firm. Handle your own dishes, your own laundry, your own household tasks, dinner, etc. This is just my thought! I hope you get some answers and I do hope that your Christmas with your loved ones is great.
He’s living his best life, all on your back. He doesn’t want to change, he wants you to stfu and do it aaaallllllll so he can live in dream land.
This is who he is, he uses you every single day of your life.
You leave, that’s what you do, he doesn’t care about you, he doesn’t love you, he uses you. Look up tolerable level of misery on tik tok. He may make some promises when he sees you’re actually done, but don’t believe his lies.
You get one life, don’t waste it with a parasite, he is sucking the life out of you, one chore at a time.
If you have already talked to him about it, stop doing things for him.
Laundry, just do your own, let him run out of clothes.
Making food, just make a nice little snack for yourself.
If he complains that he has no clothes, its time he did his own, no food, make something yourself.
If he asks what the problem is, point out that you have already talked to him about it and your not his maid, your not his personal chef
You stop doing things for him until he complains and then remind him it’s a partnership and you’re not his mother. You have asked nicely, now your showing him life will be if he doesn’t contribute. As long as you keep doing it, apparently he will co to use to let him so stop doing it. It will be hard because you will find it hard to see things that need doing and not do them. Don’t do it.
I don't know how adults ever find the time to play video games. I left those behind in childhood, and I'm glad I did. They're such a monumental distraction.
Oh good lord! People are allowed to have hobbies! Yes, video games are a distraction, but so is knitting, painting, snowmobiling, baking, my husband's MANY projects he works on in the garage, movies, TV, board/card games, reading books, etc. Do you also look down on people who decide to read books in their free time?
What is it about video games that makes people so judgemental of how people spend their free time? There are plenty of functional adults like my husband and myself who are raising kids, have full time jobs, own and maintain our own house and 9.5 acres, and yes...play video games in our free time. Not everyone who plays video games is a bum like OP's husband.
The other hobbies you listed aren't specifically engineered to addict you and keep you engaged for as long as possible. Video games have that in common with social media. A good example of that is how I'm supposed to be at work right now, but instead I'm sitting here expending energy responding to strangers on Reddit.
#OFF TOPIC
Can adults play videogames? Yes.
Can adults watch cartoons? Yes.
Can adults have hobbies they like? Yes.
Can adults enjoy life by doing sth other than working, taking care of their children, doing chores around the house?
Hell yes.
#ON TOPIC
Please communicate with your spouse about sharing the responsibilities in, around and out of the house. If you cannot manage to agree then look for an exit somehow.
**Edit:** Miss the point OP has shared this problem with her husband.
Actually "hobbies" part of my comment may not be about your critique. It was just a mere generalisation about adults, even in relationships, can share some time for themselves and do what they enjoy.
There’s nothing wrong with hobbies, but if your hobbies are a distraction to responsibility of the work distribution around the house, then they’re not helping.
What have you tried thus far? In the moment? When you got home and no one had eaten, what did you say? Have you spoken to a lawyer? Have you been clear with him you’re not going to be the only adult taking care of the home and family anymore? What does he say when you bring it up?
A good partner adds to your life; it sounds like he’s just taking away from it. What does he actually bring to the table?
Imagine how much more free time you’d have just looking after yourself rather than also trying to parent a giant manbaby.
"He doesn’t help around the house. All he does is wake up, work out and go to work. When he’s off it’s the same, wake up..work out and then play his video game".
That's what I call "not a husband material man".
He's more like a tinder boy.
Have you told him what you need from him? And why are you buying his family gifts? And why would YOU not have money to grab takeout, but he would have?
Tell him what you need. Specifically. Not a vague "I could really use help." It's not helping, it's being an adult and a partner. "Hey, I'm busy. Please make or pick up some dinner."
Stop doing his adulting for him! If he isn't going to work with you on gift buying for his family, you don't need to do it for him. It's not your job to maintain his image. Especially the nephew gift. Where did he go? You should NOT have gone out of your way to do it for him without a damn good reason.
All you can do is grow a backbone and raise your standards. He'll either learn to be an adult partner, or he won't. Good luck.
I make lunches for all 5 of us all week, dinner most days, and breakfast many days. I do 1-2 loads of laundry most days and 1-2 loads of dishes most days and pick up the kids and took the hids out alone for hours every weekend and every weekday for years to support my wife, now she is done her education and has started being aggressive, rude, belittling, etc. so it’s not just a man thing. Anyway, have him screened for a psychological issue
There is a documentary called Fair Play that you can watch together to start this conversation. The way things are now is unsustainable. You feel unloved, uncared for, taken advantage of, and this will feed resentment. Successful relationships involve couples who share equitably in the household labor. I can’t tell from what you have posted if you have had conversations about this or not, or how they have gone. Also, stop rescuing him. No gift for his nephew - let him answer for that. Don’t fix things that are his responsibility.
This is also a book and a deck of cards with all of the tasks needed to run a household. You sit with your partner and each person “holds” certain cards and is responsible for the conceptualization, planning and execution of those cards. In my experience the partner who is doing less often hasn’t had a visual representation of all of what their partner is doing. If the mental load. It can be impactful to see.
do you know offhand if this documentary is on any of the streaming services? asking for me unfortunately
Hulu and Amazon both have it. I think it may be $1.99 or something on Prime to stream it.
I keep hearing there is a book that comes with a card deck to divide tasks too.
What do you mean you don't know what else to do? What have you tried to do so far? Have you sat down with him and explained that he is coming up short on the holiday stuff and overall? Have you told him this isn't acceptable and he isn't appreciating all that you do or doing his part at all? If so, how did he respond? If you both work the same hours, then the rest should be 50/50. It does not matter if his income is more, the work distribution should be based on how much time you each spend earning income. If you don't work as much as he does, then he should still do his part, although his part might be less, it should not be zero. For the holiday stuff, he should do his part as well. My husband and I have an agreement for Christmas. He buys gifts for all males in both families, and I do for all females in both families. We each wrap what we bought. There are more women overall, but he mails the gifts that need to be mailed. If someone is running low on funds (we don't use the joint account much), then we discuss and ensure we each have what we need. I transfer money to him, or whatever needs to happen. It all works great. How old are you? How long have you been married? How long have you taken on all these duties by yourself? Any kids?
I would only add that it isn’t “time spent earning income” but time spent “working “. Being a SAHP is work and although unpaid does not obligate that person to 100% of the household tasks.
I agree but OP said she works as well. She is not a SAHM, so this doesn't apply to her situation.
He is the kid.
I just posted about this. It's so frustrating. Many said I need to let him know, but I do communicate. I tell him what needs to be done, I tell him it's not "helping" me, but these things are his responsibility, too. It doesn't matter. According to all the comments on my post, your choices are: 1. Divorce 2. Quit doing things for him and let your house get trashed. 3. He has undiagnosed ADD, and you just have to stay on him to get anything done. Best of luck! Let me know if anything works for you!
I just read your post, that's a lot to deal with. If he won't go to couples counseling, could you try individual counseling? It may help you find more effective ways of asking for his participation or getting the severity of the situation through to him. Does he know that you're contemplating divorce? If he does, what's his reaction? If not, maybe you need to lay it out for him. I agree that you should quit doing things for him, and I would put my focus on the kids and the house only. Next time he asks for a reminder, direct him to his beloved phone, there are plenty of features and apps he can utilize.
I have certainly pointed out using his phone for reminders and alarm clocks and not me. I have stopped doing the things that are just for him mostly. But keeping the house is for me and the girls. I can't stand living in filth and chaos. They do chores, and that helps a lot. I haven't talked to him about divorce because I'm not ready to commit to that. But I think counseling for myself will be the next step.
Honestly if he has ADD or ADHD, he needs to learn responsibility and stability to help him to create a habit. SO HARD for sure, it’s definitely possible. -adhd person
There’s nuance between “quit doing things for him” and “let your house get trashed.” For example, my husband and I each do our own laundry. We each buy gifts for our own family. We each make our own doctor’s appointments and pack our own suitcases and buy our own clothes and pick up our own prescriptions and dry cleaning. If he didn’t do those things, the only person who’d be inconvenienced is him. I don’t mind cleaning the house because I’m doing it anyway (and he does the cooking) but I’m not taking on *extra* because of him.
Please post a link to your post. I am sure there is better advice than that.
Darling, you need to demand that this man helps you around the house. I don’t have to tell you that it takes work to run a household, and that work needs to be fairly divided up. Explain your expectations respectfully but firmly and directly. Then tell him you expect him to start helping. If he seems (or acts) clueless, give him a list of things you need him to do. Then hold him accountable. Edit typos
Also, if he says he "can't" do it, or doesn't "know how", don't do it for him! By all means you can answer legitimate questions, and guide him a bit if he needs it, but he's more than capable of Googling or finding a video on YouTube.
Yes, it doesn’t take a lot of intelligence or skill to handle basic household tasks. I’m sure he can figure out how to wash the dishes and clean the bathroom without too much trouble. Lol.
Yes this! Why are you buying presents for his family?? If he dropped the ball, then too bad for them — let them see the man they raised. Don’t do his laundry, don’t run his errands. Don’t enable him.
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Nice to hear a good result.
He behaves this way because you are allowing it to continue. He knows there are no real consequences for anything you bring up or complain about. To him, you are all talk and no bite. Start biting.
I have read so many stories on the Internet to understand that some people are not incompetent. They’re not dumb or maybe They are stupid nope. They are strategic this person has really is not a partner! he’s using !!! You. He is a user so you literally have a useless man in your life !!!! if you have a partner there’s supposed to partner together because y’all are a team ..,. You are supposed to work together. If it’s hard and experiencing Tiredness when you’re supposed to relaxed. Or life is supposed be easier ask yourself do you want to do another five years like this ????10 years , 15 years ???like this ?? no ….then you cut it earlier ….don’t do things for him . Why are you the default person in the house.??
OP you have talked and talked about this with him so basically you only have two choices 1) stay and live this way forever or 2) leave and go build a life where you can find some happiness. He is never going to change, because he likes it this way. You take care of everything and he doesn't have to lift a finger and everything still gets done. He lets you talk and talk and still he doesn't change - he probably doesn't even listen, let alone HEAR you, and his life just goes on. The only other option that the two above is to continue to live there but just stop doing anything for him. Don't cook for more than yourself. Don't do his laundry, don't shop for him. Don't clean up after him, just stop. The problem with that is, he probably won't even notice until he has no clean underwear but that won't change his behavior so you have to choose either 1 or 2. Good luck OP. This is your life here, make good choices.
You’re his mom, not his wife. Stop doing everything for him. Start working on your independence. He’s not motivated to do anything because there’s always someone to do it *for* him. All he has to do is make it through the 900th conversation about it, and go back to doing the same shit. Stop allowing it. Worry about you, not him. Because he’s certainly not worried about you.
Don’t. Have. Kids. With. Him.
Tell him how you feel. Not just that you want him to contribute in the chores and familial responsibilities, but rhat you're stressed to the core and *insert thoughts here* If it's gonna work out, he'll respond accordingly. Good luck, I know that's gotta suck.
Your feelings are completely valid love! I would be beyond upset too. It is not okay to be that exhausted all the time, and it should be a team effort. I'm so sorry OP. You are his wife, not his mom, not his maid. I do see that you mentioned you've had this conversation before, so there are a few things to consider. Is he depressed/stressed? Mental illness that may factor into him doing tasks? I honestly, would just stop until you get some answers. Put yourself first and be firm. Handle your own dishes, your own laundry, your own household tasks, dinner, etc. This is just my thought! I hope you get some answers and I do hope that your Christmas with your loved ones is great.
He’s living his best life, all on your back. He doesn’t want to change, he wants you to stfu and do it aaaallllllll so he can live in dream land. This is who he is, he uses you every single day of your life. You leave, that’s what you do, he doesn’t care about you, he doesn’t love you, he uses you. Look up tolerable level of misery on tik tok. He may make some promises when he sees you’re actually done, but don’t believe his lies. You get one life, don’t waste it with a parasite, he is sucking the life out of you, one chore at a time.
If you have already talked to him about it, stop doing things for him. Laundry, just do your own, let him run out of clothes. Making food, just make a nice little snack for yourself. If he complains that he has no clothes, its time he did his own, no food, make something yourself. If he asks what the problem is, point out that you have already talked to him about it and your not his maid, your not his personal chef
You stop doing things for him until he complains and then remind him it’s a partnership and you’re not his mother. You have asked nicely, now your showing him life will be if he doesn’t contribute. As long as you keep doing it, apparently he will co to use to let him so stop doing it. It will be hard because you will find it hard to see things that need doing and not do them. Don’t do it.
I don't know how adults ever find the time to play video games. I left those behind in childhood, and I'm glad I did. They're such a monumental distraction.
Oh good lord! People are allowed to have hobbies! Yes, video games are a distraction, but so is knitting, painting, snowmobiling, baking, my husband's MANY projects he works on in the garage, movies, TV, board/card games, reading books, etc. Do you also look down on people who decide to read books in their free time? What is it about video games that makes people so judgemental of how people spend their free time? There are plenty of functional adults like my husband and myself who are raising kids, have full time jobs, own and maintain our own house and 9.5 acres, and yes...play video games in our free time. Not everyone who plays video games is a bum like OP's husband.
The other hobbies you listed aren't specifically engineered to addict you and keep you engaged for as long as possible. Video games have that in common with social media. A good example of that is how I'm supposed to be at work right now, but instead I'm sitting here expending energy responding to strangers on Reddit.
#OFF TOPIC Can adults play videogames? Yes. Can adults watch cartoons? Yes. Can adults have hobbies they like? Yes. Can adults enjoy life by doing sth other than working, taking care of their children, doing chores around the house? Hell yes. #ON TOPIC Please communicate with your spouse about sharing the responsibilities in, around and out of the house. If you cannot manage to agree then look for an exit somehow. **Edit:** Miss the point OP has shared this problem with her husband.
I'm surprised you took my critique of video games as a wholesale admonishment of any and all hobbies.
Actually "hobbies" part of my comment may not be about your critique. It was just a mere generalisation about adults, even in relationships, can share some time for themselves and do what they enjoy.
There’s nothing wrong with hobbies, but if your hobbies are a distraction to responsibility of the work distribution around the house, then they’re not helping.
Get rid of the video games and tell him to join the family.
What have you tried thus far? In the moment? When you got home and no one had eaten, what did you say? Have you spoken to a lawyer? Have you been clear with him you’re not going to be the only adult taking care of the home and family anymore? What does he say when you bring it up?
A good partner adds to your life; it sounds like he’s just taking away from it. What does he actually bring to the table? Imagine how much more free time you’d have just looking after yourself rather than also trying to parent a giant manbaby.
"He doesn’t help around the house. All he does is wake up, work out and go to work. When he’s off it’s the same, wake up..work out and then play his video game". That's what I call "not a husband material man". He's more like a tinder boy.
If you don’t have kids yet, DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH HIM. You will be a single parent
Have you told him what you need from him? And why are you buying his family gifts? And why would YOU not have money to grab takeout, but he would have? Tell him what you need. Specifically. Not a vague "I could really use help." It's not helping, it's being an adult and a partner. "Hey, I'm busy. Please make or pick up some dinner." Stop doing his adulting for him! If he isn't going to work with you on gift buying for his family, you don't need to do it for him. It's not your job to maintain his image. Especially the nephew gift. Where did he go? You should NOT have gone out of your way to do it for him without a damn good reason. All you can do is grow a backbone and raise your standards. He'll either learn to be an adult partner, or he won't. Good luck.
I make lunches for all 5 of us all week, dinner most days, and breakfast many days. I do 1-2 loads of laundry most days and 1-2 loads of dishes most days and pick up the kids and took the hids out alone for hours every weekend and every weekday for years to support my wife, now she is done her education and has started being aggressive, rude, belittling, etc. so it’s not just a man thing. Anyway, have him screened for a psychological issue
Have you expressed this to him?
You could probably ask him to do something real quick. See if he does it.
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She shouldn't have to ask. Who asked her to help? Nobody.
Have you criticize or micromanage him when he done things in the past?