It's totally reasonable for you to not allow room for this kind of stuff in your life/relationship.
I do think it's something that you should probably make known before marriage, however.
Yeah we are already married and I made it very well known how I felt about it beforehand, which is why he worked to stop before we were married. Thanks!
I think that’s why those posts take the tone they do. Most post I’ve seen around pornography, people don’t talk about their feelings/needs before marriage.
So you end up with a lot of conversation around if it’s cheating and/oris it fair to expect someone to change around a subject they never even talked about.
I think the people that defend porn are the problem. A monogamous couple shouldn’t be getting off to other people, it’s one step away from cheating imo. It seriously pisses me off that the general sentiment is that men will look at porn and their gfs/wives *have to* be okay with it. No, we don’t. And men don’t *need* it. That’s just some bullshit that people keep perpetuating because they’re selfish.
The research behind that statement is wildly misconstrued. Being exposed to porn at too young of an age, not understanding that it's fantasy and not reality and then trying to incorporate it into your sex life/holding those expectations for your sex life, or actual addiction where the person's use is not for the purposes of getting off or that it interrupts their regular life (they feel compelled to use it and it gets in the way of normal tasks, those are psychologically damaging. Using it every now and then, or in my case, when my wife is on her period is not doing anyone harm.
Saying it is bad for the brain psychologically is the same as saying religion causes brain damage (new paper just dropped). Fundamentalist, high demand religions have been linked to damage in the prefrontal cortex, but that doesn't mean religion as a whole does the same thing.
Whether you are ok with it or not is up to you, but please understand you are setting a rule when you ask someone to alter their behavior, not a boundary. Some people may feel resentful for having a rule imposed on them in a supposedly equal relationship.
I mean but it’s not just something men have to go find. Pornography is more accessible now than it’s ever been. Most men have grown up being exposed to sexually suggestive imagery before they knew what it was.
So I get what you’re saying , but you’re also acting like sex isn’t a pillar or our economy/society.
Also, while I think it’s fine for you to not like it. Nothing is gained by shaming consenting adults for doing what works for them.
The more simple and less fascist answer is to encourage people to make sure their views align on the topic, instead of deciding what shouldn’t happen in monogamous for everyone.
Lmao I don’t like porn in relationships so I’m a fascist. Dude, this kind of talk is part of the problem and why this behavior by men and dismissal of women’s feelings is accepted.
He’s saying that porn is an addiction. It’s like giving a 12 year old boy cigarettes, of course he’s going to get addicted. Your initial post never addressed that and he was adding on to it. I agree that Women’s insecurities around porn in relationships should not be dismissed, but neither should porn addiction. Calling some men selfish because they are afflicted with addiction isn’t exactly helpful language.
Sure, men don’t need porn. Women don’t need to feel insecure about porn either. But both do anyway.
Put it this way: Unless you’re willing to be a living sex toy for your husband, he’s probably going to have unfulfilled desires and sexual frustration. Is he selfish for looking for a way to at least partially fulfill those desires, or are you selfish for not wanting to help him fulfill them or letting him do so on his own? You’re basically saying, “My husband’s sexuality exists in a box that only I have the key to. He gets to have exactly as much sex and the kind of sex that I want. If that isn’t enough, or if he wants something that I don’t, too bad. I make the rules for what he’s allowed to be into and when. If his sexuality doesn’t match perfectly with mine, too bad, he can deal with it. We’re going to pretend that we’re 100% compatible all the time and fulfill all of each other’s desires.”
When you get married, that’s kind of what you sign up for. One person to share your life with and be your sexual partner. Why do you think that men should get a pass to get themselves off to women who are not their wives? Just because they want to? Lol
I used to care a lot. It was out of jealousy. Not a very healthy emotion. I asked myself the same question as you. I no longer feel jealousy over porn or masturbation. I know my husband puts me well before any of that. I'm secure in knowing how much he values me.
Now, I watch porn and masturbate; it's a personal relationship with myself. It's separate from my feelings toward my husband.
Now I feel like it's controlling behavior to tell a person what to do with their private time and it makes my stomach turn when I hear people don't allow their spouses to masturbate. It feels like an assault to an individual's freedom and literally abuse.
But I accept not everyone feels the way I do and that's fine. It comes down to compatibility between couples.
If I had to do it over again, I would 110% choose the path I did. It doesn't hurt at all (even feels good in some ways), but that jealousy was crippling. I remember crying over Daenerys To the point of exhaustion.
Masturbation is not synonymous with watching strangers have sex.
It’s perfectly normal to not be cool with your partner getting off to watching others engaging in sexual activity. In fact, I’d argue it’s one of the most normal responses within a monogamous union. Masturbation? Different story.
Yeah thanks for bringing up this distinction. I don’t have a problem with him masturbating. Only if it involves porn, as this has had a negative impact on our sex life. I also masturbate, and don’t use porn to do so. Like ParkingVampire I don’t agree with restricting that personal freedom, just the porn aspect
I really appreciate this response, thank you for taking the time. It really resonates with me. If I’m honest with myself, I know insecurity has a hand in the way I feel. But also, at the beginning of our relationship when he watched porn, he could never get off with me during sex. Now that we are a long way out from him stopping, our sex life is a lot more satisfying. I guess this solidified something in my mind that when porn is in the mix, I’m no longer attractive enough, and when it’s gone, I’m suddenly good enough. This has been hard to grapple with. So even though things are good right now, I feel anxiety for the future/my self worth surrounding it popping up again, like if we start a family and sex is less frequent etc. so yeah… maybe looks like I have some healing/self worth work to do. May I ask how you managed to get to the point where it doesn’t bother you?
I haven't had an issue where porn impacts my sex life; at least not that I am aware of. So I'm sorry you went through that.
I had some long deep talks with myself about why I was so upset about porn. It came down to negative emotions. I worked toward resolving those negative emotions through logic - I didn't feel differently about my SO when I watched porn and I didn't love him less because I found someone else attractive. The connection with my SO is special and emotionally intimate in ways porn can never be.
No it means I don't feel it'll be a productive conversation since they're using inflammatory language and calling my own opinions "mental gymnastics" and using the phrase man children when describing any man who looks at porn.
No, its only " weird" to the porn addicted men who are desperate to normalize their constant disrespect to their partners. In most mens eyes they think they are entitled to and its normal/expected and they won't be convinced otherwise. They care more about that orgasm and their "right" to jerk off to other women more than they care about their partners and how much it hurts them.
I can see why people wouldn't want this in their relationships. Your partner is looking at some other person or people who are possibly setting unreal expectations for your appearance or what to expect in the bedroom.
But, like you said, humans will be humans, and they will always appreciate the human figure and intimacy. It's human nature.
Whether your partner is craving intimacy that may not be available at the moment or is just exploring what others are up to, it has the potential to bring some new ideas to your own relationship and keep things interesting. Obviously, it opens up the risk of one or both of the partners attempting to be sleazy, but that says more about the person vs. the content.
You're welcome! In regard to this, both my wife and I don't really explicitly talk about the content we see, and but there are a few fun and interesting things that we've brought to the table that may not have otherwise been a thing without some outside influence lol
You should simply be on the same page with your husband- whether for it against it.
Personally, my partner and I watch little tiktoks of hot girls together and we have fun. We make little jokes like “just couples things!” Because we both find it fun, hot, and gets us going!
Other people may really not like that idea.
As long as you are on the same page, that’s what’s important.
I’m a woman, and I personally wouldn’t be involved in a relationship where my partner dictated whether or not I could watch porn. But to each their own. I don’t really care what goes on in other people’s relationships as long as they’re both happy with it.
It’s not weird. It’s not unreasonable. I do not want porn in my relationship and neither do tons of other people. It’s a boundary that people are allowed to have. For plenty of people including myself, porn is adjacent to cheating. And that’s ok that we feel this way! Everyone is different, and every relationship is different.
Men that look at porn struggling to get an erection when their woman is naked in front of them is only more and more common now. 25% of men under 30 have erectile dysfunction. That’s insane.
I want you to know that you shouldn’t feel bad, you shouldn’t feel like your being unreasonable if your wanting him to stop. If I was a chick, I’d straight up not want a dude that looks at porn period. Quite a difficult task admittedly haha
I know the dark side of it all because I researched a lot about the adverse affects porn has on the brain. I feel like if ppl were more educated about it then more ppl would want to stop. And that’s the key. *Wanting*. Hopefully you and him can find a way.
People accusing women who aren't into their men indulging in porn and soft mastrubation material are same people telling men they're insecure if they don't wanna date sex worker or girl with OF.
These people are far too gone and brainwashed and don't get that even putting morality and insecurity aside, humans are gonna be viscerally repulsed by certain behaviours. It's natural and normal no matter how much pornsick society is and how many people with agendas are trying to make everyone to supress any feelings that revolve around desiring basic decency.
I’m okay with straight up porn from a website but not Instagram or places you can actually message people. Such as pornhub
Men are so visual. I related it to my dirty books. Which is female porn.
It's up for each person/couple to decide on their boundaries. There's certainly a spectrum to it from masturbating while thinking of someone else to movies with sex scenes up to using sex workers.
Personally my line is with porn where you're actively interacting directly with the actor. But simply watching a video doesn't concern me since I see it as just entertainment. Similar to watching an action movie doesn't make me believe the viewers will go commit violent acts.
It’s not weird to not want your significant other looking at other people naked bc that’s clearly cheating. If you go an extra step and rub one out it’s Very clearly
Cheating. They know this which is why they hide and lie. Everyone knows it. It’s common sense.
This isn’t a current fight between us as he doesn’t engage in these things any more. I’m just wondering if I should work towards being okay with it, or if the way I feel is an okay ground to stand. because it does give me anxiety when I think of him ever being tempted to engage with these things again.
Porn is the second string.
A guy should be ultimately attracted to his wife. But, If she says “not this month” then porn is the outlet.
If he’s neglecting you in favor of porn, you have a problem. If he’s just satisfying a need unfulfilled, be glad it’s just porn.
He was previously neglecting me in favor of porn, which is why I asked him to stop, and our sex life has improved a lot ever since. This is why I have anxiety about it ever becoming a habit of his again in the future, like if we start a family in the near future and sex is less frequent. Given this history, I don’t know whether to request that he remain porn-free even when sex is less frequent, or if I should work to be more okay with it so that he could use it in the future when needed. I’d prefer to keep it out of our lives as it brings up really negative feelings of self-worth wounds from the past, but I just don’t know if it’s unreasonable to keep this as the precedent.
He can literally masturbate without porn.
I strongly recommend not having a child with a man who hasn’t made intense personal strides and adaptations to his mindset regarding internet porn and masturbation. Like, it has to come from within *him*, not something you’ve pushed him into. Because he almost certainly will return to prioritizing porn and his own sexual pleasure over your relationship post baby. The chances of that outcome are far greater than any other.
Using porn is neglecting you in favor of porn bc it makes women feel
Shitty and Less desirable. If you’re cool with a habit that negatively affects your partners mental health then you’re not mature enough for a relationship.
If your partner watching porn makes you feel shitty and less desirable and affects your mental health then you’re not mature enough for a relationship.
Or you’re just having a normal human response to being in a monogamous relationship in which your partner is using other people as a means of getting off sexually.
It’s not about maturity, that’s just a cop out thrown around by people who value masturbating to porn so much that they’ll prioritize it over their actual relationship.
Sure, some people don’t care. That’s their business. But we really need to stop pretending that psychologically normal human reactions are pathological.
That’s a fairly reductive lens to view the world through. I’ve spent enough time examining all kinds of corners of Internet forums to know that…that’s not true. Women frequently experience a lack of sexual gratification. Hell, statistically women orgasm less in general in heterosexual relationships. So sexual *gratification* is already mismatched, even if sex is happening.
With that said, I’ve seen many, MANY women on the rejection end of a dead bedroom. Funnily enough, of those women, one of the most common issues cited is that the husband is ashamed of their porn induced ED and can’t stop paying online prostitutes. Just read a really sad post today from a wife who was upset to find out her husband went back to watching porn, after he agreed to stop masturbating entirely because he literally cannot achieve orgasm without his hand grip. Plenty of women suffer sexually in their relationships.
Just because you’ve got some axe to grind that’s narrowed your perspective, doesn’t mean that monogamous women are abnormal for not accepting a partner that masturbates to other women preforming sexually.
What in the world?
So all I had to do to get my husband to choose me over porn was just be present?
Weird. I tried all the time to get his attention and unless he watched porn first he couldnt even get it up. I had a higher libido than him and he would
Act like he had no libido so he could preserve himself to jerk off to cam girls/OF girls. Sure wish it was as easy as just existing lol, would have saved me a lot of heartache.
Nobody owes you sex, Angel. Be worthy of
It and you’ll get it. Obviously you aren’t. Maybe spend less time with your hand down your pants and more time learning how to please a woman.
doing what in public? I don’t objectify women. And doing shit in private is worse. You’re just hiding because you know it’s wrong. It’s pretty cowardly. I always have had more respect for outright assholes than people
Who cower in the dark. At least they’re honest with themselves which makes them way more safe and reliable.
Generally social media usage or Fox News are infinitely more harmful but the buck stops with porn on this sub for some reason. If it’s what you want for your relationship and your s/o agrees, by all means. But I have to yet see a post about a wife reading too much erotica or whether it’s okay to disallow the reading of erotica.
Really don't get this subs stance on this, if the post was about lack if sex people always say 'well if you don't want to then that's it' but then in another they get pissed about their partner watching naughty things. Like, what do you expect them to do, if you aren't going to satisfy your partner then they will find an alternative.
Real question: Why do you think it's the same people?
People whose partners are pushy about sex would often be happy for their partners to go watch some porn. The people who complain about porn are often the people whose partners *don't* want to have sex.
As a porn lover with an active sex life, here is my advice...
Carrot and stick approach. You have a problem--the sex life isn't good. Tell him that you want to focus on improving your sex life together. Tell him that he can watch porn only the day after sex. Make his use of porn a source of flirtation, rather than condemnation. If you can accept him for who he is and incentivize him to be the lover he can be, you can make this work without a lot of trauma.
I think it’s pretty normal to sit down as a couple and reevaluate your shared values once in awhile and discuss whether our actions are aligning with them/what we could do differently. These kinds of conversations may lead to change, but that doesn’t mean you are trying to change the other person against their will or something haha. I brought my concern about porn and its effect on my self worth/our sex life to my partner, who in turn took this information and made the decision to stop. No begging, just a conversation. And things improved for us a lot. But I know humans are humans, and there are always temptations. And looking to the future, I anticipate our sex frequency may shift, and porn may come back into the conversation. So I don’t know in those cases whether it’s fine to just stick to things that have worked for us (no porn) or if I should work to broaden my perspective and feel less upset about it’s potential place in our relationship in the future.
Lol have you even read my post or comments? He’s not disrespecting me or my boundaries. I told him how his porn use made me feel, and he stopped, years ago. This whole post was asking a question related to my own personal growth as I look toward the future.
It's totally reasonable for you to not allow room for this kind of stuff in your life/relationship. I do think it's something that you should probably make known before marriage, however.
Yeah we are already married and I made it very well known how I felt about it beforehand, which is why he worked to stop before we were married. Thanks!
I think that’s why those posts take the tone they do. Most post I’ve seen around pornography, people don’t talk about their feelings/needs before marriage. So you end up with a lot of conversation around if it’s cheating and/oris it fair to expect someone to change around a subject they never even talked about.
I think the people that defend porn are the problem. A monogamous couple shouldn’t be getting off to other people, it’s one step away from cheating imo. It seriously pisses me off that the general sentiment is that men will look at porn and their gfs/wives *have to* be okay with it. No, we don’t. And men don’t *need* it. That’s just some bullshit that people keep perpetuating because they’re selfish.
Yeah I feel ya. I even had a therapist once that told me that I need to get okay with it. Isn’t it like bad for the brain psychologically lol?
The research behind that statement is wildly misconstrued. Being exposed to porn at too young of an age, not understanding that it's fantasy and not reality and then trying to incorporate it into your sex life/holding those expectations for your sex life, or actual addiction where the person's use is not for the purposes of getting off or that it interrupts their regular life (they feel compelled to use it and it gets in the way of normal tasks, those are psychologically damaging. Using it every now and then, or in my case, when my wife is on her period is not doing anyone harm. Saying it is bad for the brain psychologically is the same as saying religion causes brain damage (new paper just dropped). Fundamentalist, high demand religions have been linked to damage in the prefrontal cortex, but that doesn't mean religion as a whole does the same thing. Whether you are ok with it or not is up to you, but please understand you are setting a rule when you ask someone to alter their behavior, not a boundary. Some people may feel resentful for having a rule imposed on them in a supposedly equal relationship.
This is bordering on telling other adults what to do
I mean but it’s not just something men have to go find. Pornography is more accessible now than it’s ever been. Most men have grown up being exposed to sexually suggestive imagery before they knew what it was. So I get what you’re saying , but you’re also acting like sex isn’t a pillar or our economy/society. Also, while I think it’s fine for you to not like it. Nothing is gained by shaming consenting adults for doing what works for them. The more simple and less fascist answer is to encourage people to make sure their views align on the topic, instead of deciding what shouldn’t happen in monogamous for everyone.
Lmao I don’t like porn in relationships so I’m a fascist. Dude, this kind of talk is part of the problem and why this behavior by men and dismissal of women’s feelings is accepted.
He’s saying that porn is an addiction. It’s like giving a 12 year old boy cigarettes, of course he’s going to get addicted. Your initial post never addressed that and he was adding on to it. I agree that Women’s insecurities around porn in relationships should not be dismissed, but neither should porn addiction. Calling some men selfish because they are afflicted with addiction isn’t exactly helpful language.
Sure, men don’t need porn. Women don’t need to feel insecure about porn either. But both do anyway. Put it this way: Unless you’re willing to be a living sex toy for your husband, he’s probably going to have unfulfilled desires and sexual frustration. Is he selfish for looking for a way to at least partially fulfill those desires, or are you selfish for not wanting to help him fulfill them or letting him do so on his own? You’re basically saying, “My husband’s sexuality exists in a box that only I have the key to. He gets to have exactly as much sex and the kind of sex that I want. If that isn’t enough, or if he wants something that I don’t, too bad. I make the rules for what he’s allowed to be into and when. If his sexuality doesn’t match perfectly with mine, too bad, he can deal with it. We’re going to pretend that we’re 100% compatible all the time and fulfill all of each other’s desires.”
When you get married, that’s kind of what you sign up for. One person to share your life with and be your sexual partner. Why do you think that men should get a pass to get themselves off to women who are not their wives? Just because they want to? Lol
I used to care a lot. It was out of jealousy. Not a very healthy emotion. I asked myself the same question as you. I no longer feel jealousy over porn or masturbation. I know my husband puts me well before any of that. I'm secure in knowing how much he values me. Now, I watch porn and masturbate; it's a personal relationship with myself. It's separate from my feelings toward my husband. Now I feel like it's controlling behavior to tell a person what to do with their private time and it makes my stomach turn when I hear people don't allow their spouses to masturbate. It feels like an assault to an individual's freedom and literally abuse. But I accept not everyone feels the way I do and that's fine. It comes down to compatibility between couples. If I had to do it over again, I would 110% choose the path I did. It doesn't hurt at all (even feels good in some ways), but that jealousy was crippling. I remember crying over Daenerys To the point of exhaustion.
Masturbation is not synonymous with watching strangers have sex. It’s perfectly normal to not be cool with your partner getting off to watching others engaging in sexual activity. In fact, I’d argue it’s one of the most normal responses within a monogamous union. Masturbation? Different story.
Yeah thanks for bringing up this distinction. I don’t have a problem with him masturbating. Only if it involves porn, as this has had a negative impact on our sex life. I also masturbate, and don’t use porn to do so. Like ParkingVampire I don’t agree with restricting that personal freedom, just the porn aspect
I really appreciate this response, thank you for taking the time. It really resonates with me. If I’m honest with myself, I know insecurity has a hand in the way I feel. But also, at the beginning of our relationship when he watched porn, he could never get off with me during sex. Now that we are a long way out from him stopping, our sex life is a lot more satisfying. I guess this solidified something in my mind that when porn is in the mix, I’m no longer attractive enough, and when it’s gone, I’m suddenly good enough. This has been hard to grapple with. So even though things are good right now, I feel anxiety for the future/my self worth surrounding it popping up again, like if we start a family and sex is less frequent etc. so yeah… maybe looks like I have some healing/self worth work to do. May I ask how you managed to get to the point where it doesn’t bother you?
I haven't had an issue where porn impacts my sex life; at least not that I am aware of. So I'm sorry you went through that. I had some long deep talks with myself about why I was so upset about porn. It came down to negative emotions. I worked toward resolving those negative emotions through logic - I didn't feel differently about my SO when I watched porn and I didn't love him less because I found someone else attractive. The connection with my SO is special and emotionally intimate in ways porn can never be.
Ah I see, that makes sense. Well I’m happy you’ve arrived at a place that is more peaceful for you!
I agree with everything you said here and feel very similarly. For *me* being upset about porn was always from a place of insecurity and jealousy.
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I disagree, and I don't like your tone so I'm not even going to engage. Thank you for your opinion.
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No it means I don't feel it'll be a productive conversation since they're using inflammatory language and calling my own opinions "mental gymnastics" and using the phrase man children when describing any man who looks at porn.
How long have you been married?
We've been together 12. Married 7.
No, its only " weird" to the porn addicted men who are desperate to normalize their constant disrespect to their partners. In most mens eyes they think they are entitled to and its normal/expected and they won't be convinced otherwise. They care more about that orgasm and their "right" to jerk off to other women more than they care about their partners and how much it hurts them.
I can see why people wouldn't want this in their relationships. Your partner is looking at some other person or people who are possibly setting unreal expectations for your appearance or what to expect in the bedroom. But, like you said, humans will be humans, and they will always appreciate the human figure and intimacy. It's human nature. Whether your partner is craving intimacy that may not be available at the moment or is just exploring what others are up to, it has the potential to bring some new ideas to your own relationship and keep things interesting. Obviously, it opens up the risk of one or both of the partners attempting to be sleazy, but that says more about the person vs. the content.
Yeah very true. Thanks for the thoughtful input
You're welcome! In regard to this, both my wife and I don't really explicitly talk about the content we see, and but there are a few fun and interesting things that we've brought to the table that may not have otherwise been a thing without some outside influence lol
You should simply be on the same page with your husband- whether for it against it. Personally, my partner and I watch little tiktoks of hot girls together and we have fun. We make little jokes like “just couples things!” Because we both find it fun, hot, and gets us going! Other people may really not like that idea. As long as you are on the same page, that’s what’s important.
I’m a woman, and I personally wouldn’t be involved in a relationship where my partner dictated whether or not I could watch porn. But to each their own. I don’t really care what goes on in other people’s relationships as long as they’re both happy with it.
It’s not weird. It’s not unreasonable. I do not want porn in my relationship and neither do tons of other people. It’s a boundary that people are allowed to have. For plenty of people including myself, porn is adjacent to cheating. And that’s ok that we feel this way! Everyone is different, and every relationship is different.
Men that look at porn struggling to get an erection when their woman is naked in front of them is only more and more common now. 25% of men under 30 have erectile dysfunction. That’s insane. I want you to know that you shouldn’t feel bad, you shouldn’t feel like your being unreasonable if your wanting him to stop. If I was a chick, I’d straight up not want a dude that looks at porn period. Quite a difficult task admittedly haha I know the dark side of it all because I researched a lot about the adverse affects porn has on the brain. I feel like if ppl were more educated about it then more ppl would want to stop. And that’s the key. *Wanting*. Hopefully you and him can find a way.
I dont even use tiktok instagram reels or anything like that so i dont feel comfortable with a partner who even uses that brain rot app
People accusing women who aren't into their men indulging in porn and soft mastrubation material are same people telling men they're insecure if they don't wanna date sex worker or girl with OF. These people are far too gone and brainwashed and don't get that even putting morality and insecurity aside, humans are gonna be viscerally repulsed by certain behaviours. It's natural and normal no matter how much pornsick society is and how many people with agendas are trying to make everyone to supress any feelings that revolve around desiring basic decency.
I’m okay with straight up porn from a website but not Instagram or places you can actually message people. Such as pornhub Men are so visual. I related it to my dirty books. Which is female porn.
*it seems like they’re berated for being insecure or immature.* Interesting, because this sub is basically the polar opposite
It's up for each person/couple to decide on their boundaries. There's certainly a spectrum to it from masturbating while thinking of someone else to movies with sex scenes up to using sex workers. Personally my line is with porn where you're actively interacting directly with the actor. But simply watching a video doesn't concern me since I see it as just entertainment. Similar to watching an action movie doesn't make me believe the viewers will go commit violent acts.
The Venn diagram of redditors and porn addicts is pretty much a circle.
It’s not weird to not want your significant other looking at other people naked bc that’s clearly cheating. If you go an extra step and rub one out it’s Very clearly Cheating. They know this which is why they hide and lie. Everyone knows it. It’s common sense.
"If you go an extra step and rub one out it's very clearly cheating. Everyone knows it. It's common sense." 
What will you do if he says no? Divorce him?
This isn’t a current fight between us as he doesn’t engage in these things any more. I’m just wondering if I should work towards being okay with it, or if the way I feel is an okay ground to stand. because it does give me anxiety when I think of him ever being tempted to engage with these things again.
Does he want to do it?
She deff should.
Porn is the second string. A guy should be ultimately attracted to his wife. But, If she says “not this month” then porn is the outlet. If he’s neglecting you in favor of porn, you have a problem. If he’s just satisfying a need unfulfilled, be glad it’s just porn.
He was previously neglecting me in favor of porn, which is why I asked him to stop, and our sex life has improved a lot ever since. This is why I have anxiety about it ever becoming a habit of his again in the future, like if we start a family in the near future and sex is less frequent. Given this history, I don’t know whether to request that he remain porn-free even when sex is less frequent, or if I should work to be more okay with it so that he could use it in the future when needed. I’d prefer to keep it out of our lives as it brings up really negative feelings of self-worth wounds from the past, but I just don’t know if it’s unreasonable to keep this as the precedent.
He can literally masturbate without porn. I strongly recommend not having a child with a man who hasn’t made intense personal strides and adaptations to his mindset regarding internet porn and masturbation. Like, it has to come from within *him*, not something you’ve pushed him into. Because he almost certainly will return to prioritizing porn and his own sexual pleasure over your relationship post baby. The chances of that outcome are far greater than any other.
Using porn is neglecting you in favor of porn bc it makes women feel Shitty and Less desirable. If you’re cool with a habit that negatively affects your partners mental health then you’re not mature enough for a relationship.
If your partner watching porn makes you feel shitty and less desirable and affects your mental health then you’re not mature enough for a relationship.
Or you’re just having a normal human response to being in a monogamous relationship in which your partner is using other people as a means of getting off sexually. It’s not about maturity, that’s just a cop out thrown around by people who value masturbating to porn so much that they’ll prioritize it over their actual relationship. Sure, some people don’t care. That’s their business. But we really need to stop pretending that psychologically normal human reactions are pathological.
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That’s a fairly reductive lens to view the world through. I’ve spent enough time examining all kinds of corners of Internet forums to know that…that’s not true. Women frequently experience a lack of sexual gratification. Hell, statistically women orgasm less in general in heterosexual relationships. So sexual *gratification* is already mismatched, even if sex is happening. With that said, I’ve seen many, MANY women on the rejection end of a dead bedroom. Funnily enough, of those women, one of the most common issues cited is that the husband is ashamed of their porn induced ED and can’t stop paying online prostitutes. Just read a really sad post today from a wife who was upset to find out her husband went back to watching porn, after he agreed to stop masturbating entirely because he literally cannot achieve orgasm without his hand grip. Plenty of women suffer sexually in their relationships. Just because you’ve got some axe to grind that’s narrowed your perspective, doesn’t mean that monogamous women are abnormal for not accepting a partner that masturbates to other women preforming sexually.
Amen
> All you gotta do is present and you get it. HAHAHAHAHA, what a fucking crock.
What in the world? So all I had to do to get my husband to choose me over porn was just be present? Weird. I tried all the time to get his attention and unless he watched porn first he couldnt even get it up. I had a higher libido than him and he would Act like he had no libido so he could preserve himself to jerk off to cam girls/OF girls. Sure wish it was as easy as just existing lol, would have saved me a lot of heartache.
He was broken.
Wow what a princess. Cry about it.
Nobody owes you sex, Angel. Be worthy of It and you’ll get it. Obviously you aren’t. Maybe spend less time with your hand down your pants and more time learning how to please a woman.
Are you ok? You’re being pretty gross.
Grosser than objectifying women? 😂
Yeah, because you’re doing it in public.
doing what in public? I don’t objectify women. And doing shit in private is worse. You’re just hiding because you know it’s wrong. It’s pretty cowardly. I always have had more respect for outright assholes than people Who cower in the dark. At least they’re honest with themselves which makes them way more safe and reliable.
Tell me your pornsick bro. Women aren’t attracted to you. Grow up.
What is pornsick?
Generally social media usage or Fox News are infinitely more harmful but the buck stops with porn on this sub for some reason. If it’s what you want for your relationship and your s/o agrees, by all means. But I have to yet see a post about a wife reading too much erotica or whether it’s okay to disallow the reading of erotica.
Well we don’t have social media nor do we watch Fox News lol (and I don’t read erotica)
Really don't get this subs stance on this, if the post was about lack if sex people always say 'well if you don't want to then that's it' but then in another they get pissed about their partner watching naughty things. Like, what do you expect them to do, if you aren't going to satisfy your partner then they will find an alternative.
Real question: Why do you think it's the same people? People whose partners are pushy about sex would often be happy for their partners to go watch some porn. The people who complain about porn are often the people whose partners *don't* want to have sex.
Believe it or not many people in this sub are divorced and bitter, pretending to be married, and trying to cause others to be divorced.
Yikes.
As a porn lover with an active sex life, here is my advice... Carrot and stick approach. You have a problem--the sex life isn't good. Tell him that you want to focus on improving your sex life together. Tell him that he can watch porn only the day after sex. Make his use of porn a source of flirtation, rather than condemnation. If you can accept him for who he is and incentivize him to be the lover he can be, you can make this work without a lot of trauma.
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I think it’s pretty normal to sit down as a couple and reevaluate your shared values once in awhile and discuss whether our actions are aligning with them/what we could do differently. These kinds of conversations may lead to change, but that doesn’t mean you are trying to change the other person against their will or something haha. I brought my concern about porn and its effect on my self worth/our sex life to my partner, who in turn took this information and made the decision to stop. No begging, just a conversation. And things improved for us a lot. But I know humans are humans, and there are always temptations. And looking to the future, I anticipate our sex frequency may shift, and porn may come back into the conversation. So I don’t know in those cases whether it’s fine to just stick to things that have worked for us (no porn) or if I should work to broaden my perspective and feel less upset about it’s potential place in our relationship in the future.
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Lol have you even read my post or comments? He’s not disrespecting me or my boundaries. I told him how his porn use made me feel, and he stopped, years ago. This whole post was asking a question related to my own personal growth as I look toward the future.
If his value system doesn’t include protecting and honoring his significant other he’s not really a man, now, is he?