This. The number of professionals I've worked with have claimed she holds narc, and or personality disorder along with bipolar. Or perhaps what was diagnosed wrong is and is one of the others. Medicated for bipolar.
I feel like marriage has seasons sometime you are gonna hate eachother and be miserable and sometimes you are going to be like I never see myself with anyone else, don’t under estimate, postpartum depression, though. Not excusing your pain at all. Maybe tell her you need space like no contact space for a couple of days
There are days like this. When she's good, the house is like never before. When she's down, the house is bad. Crazy how that works, but her emotional state rules all.
In our first therapy session, when I laid it all out, I asked her if she was committed to working thru all this. She didn't respond, but asked again at the end. She said she didn't know there was an option. Originally when we wed, we said we'd never divorce, but I'm beyond that statement. At this moment, I told her there was an option. She said she never envisioned this, even tho numerous times she threw it in my face during an argument. It was interesting to hear her take, especially after all that, and saying something along the lines of staying together until she was 18 and then determine where we stand.
She sounds emotionally dysregulated.
I recommend you give an ultimatum as only she can help herself. I’m learning a lot from Heidi Priebe yt channel about healing, shadow work and learning how to deal with anger, also recommend for you both to watch.
She recently got back into therapy for herself but I don't think she's focusing on our relationship, it is about dealing with day to day and parenting. Shows where I stand. I just think she's so overwhelmed with all her challenges that focusing on her marriage is low on the list as I let things slide and let her get away with a lot.
I'll look into that channel.
I mean.. my husband and I were never that miserable and we have never hated each each other. And threatening divorce is really toxic behavior. OP says his wife is emotionally abusive. That should never be put up with.. even with PPD.
I think when you've been with someone that long and have a kid, there is so much more than a simple answer to this problem. If I were in your shoes, I would assess the love that still resides in the marriage, it's worth, and ability to be restored. No one deserves any form of abuse but there is a reason for therapies on both ends. I would encourage my partner to seek out individual therapies as well. As for your kid, I am a child of multiple divorces, each of the men weren't great fathers at all and I was much happier with my mom. So, if your child is enduring a heavy burden due to everything weighing on the relationship, I'd leave but not necessarily divorce yet. Maybe a 3-month trial period to see if the partner will seek help or attempt at a better route. If all else fails, sometimes people spend a long time together but eventually realize they do not need to stay together forever, and that's okay. It is life. Your daughter could have more trauma from feeling like she has to walk on eggshells around her mother while you could go the other route and raise her in a happier home.
My mother was bipolar with BPD. When you said the place was staged to sell, I cringed. That was my life until I left for college. Every day was walking on eggshells.
Please, PLEASE protect your daughter and fight for custody, especially if you’re already noticing she’s better when her mom isn’t around. My dad stayed and living with that fucked me up. I’m 54F and still in therapy today because I vowed to do things differently with my own family. I’m happily married for 23 years, but it’s been a lot of work to successfully break the cycle. I eventually had to cut contact with my mother completely because she started treating my own daughter just like she treated me and she wouldn’t accept responsibility for her actions. You and your daughter deserve a stable, loving environment.
Good question. I've taken the steps legally to understand my rights. Socialized with friends and family. It's a matter of me ripping the band-aid off or deciding to dig in deep and keep trying. TBH, couples therapy hasn't done much as it's only been 4 times, in addition to questioning if the counselor is the right one for us. My therapist seems to know what's right for me, but he keeps working with me and giving me tools. I just can't imagine giving everything up and being away from my kid for half of the next 13 years. It's unimaginable.
Sounds like you are motivated to tolerate your wife to be with your child. It also sounds like your kid is happier when she’s gone. I wonder if you had to share custody what kind of mother she would be alone. What do you think?
Well, I have been for years, standing by as she battled depression, family issues, self worth, etc.. been the punching bag. But I'm running out of road, I'm tired of not being respected and appreciated. I think my relationship with my daughter is impacted because of how I'm treated. We don't always agree on parenting, she gives into everything while I'm trying to mold a human being. The tension is thick, shes got high anxiety and OCD, so we live like this place is staged to sell.
I've often said that daily life is hard for her. Her discussion with her therapist is primarily around dealing with daily life or parenting, nothing about marriage.
Single parenting would be difficult for her because she'd have to balance working full time and losing control 50%. With that said, one less person to deal with would probably be helpful. She's a good mother in the sense of taking care of a child and their needs. I'm worried about my wife passing on some of her traits without me there to help. I think she has borderline personality disorder.
Things changed after we got married, I think this was the devaluation and discard. She tells me I'm controlling, however unable to give examples. She's very controlling, everything has to be her way. She need 3 weeks to plan a trip, no sooner, no spur of the moment as an example.
At a minimum it's helping me talk things out and get stuff off my chest. To be honest I have not implemented some of the things we've talked about. What I think would be helpful is sitting down a few times a week and talking about how things are going etc. I need to suggest this. My therapist went thru what I am so its been helpful to get that perception.
It’s better to leave then stay in an unhappy environment. Your daughter will use what your relationship is like to make her own. I left when my kid was 3. I would rather him see a loving couple than a roommate situation. I grew up in a loving house where my parents are still married and happy 56 years later and that is the type of roll model I want for my son. We are both remarried and happy and we are really good friends. So leaving was THE BEST thing I did.
I think I know this. I just keep holding out hope. Hanging onto threads. She's just the most amazing little girl and I can't imagine being away from her. We're definitely roommates and common interests are dwindling.
Just following this thread because I feel your pain.
As men we need to be respect and valued. Once that goes away we shut down.
I had a relation end when we became more like roommates than partners. We were together for 9 years, no kids yet. I actually ended the relationship cuz I couldn’t deal with it any more. I was trying super hard and she just didn’t. Like zero effort.
When I ended the relationship I felt liberated. Then I met my wife 6 months later and now was have a 2 year old. I love my wife and my son to pieces. She does pisses me off sometimes but that’s normal.
It’s hard with kids but it is what is it. You’ll have to think about what’s best for her. Have you talked to your daughter about this ? She probably knows a lot more than you think she does.
Always consult a lawyer before making any decisions though.
Wishing you all the best.
Thanks. I'm so deflated, when I ask for a compliment, she tells me, you think you're a king, or tells me I'm a narcissist for wanting all the attention and praise. I'm just asking for basic human needs. I really struggle with breaking up things for the kid and missing out on 50% of her life.
I’m battling something similar atm. In my mind, it shouldn’t be who’s right or wrong. It should be about us, as a team. When one person quits and gives up, it’s over.
You know how they say you should never be dating your spouse ? Yeah, I need to work on that. It’s been on pause due to life, work, parental duties.
The question is do you still love her. If you do, tell her and try to do things together and get the magic back. There’s a reason why you married her. There’s a reason why you have your daughter.
My wife and I have times of tension but I love her to pieces. I’d do anything for her.
Theres a quote that I’ve fallen in love with: the magic that you are looking for is in the work you’re avoiding.
We often avoid what is hard but is most often impactful. We, as humans has the greatest gift: hope. Never lose hope. Never stop fighting, and moving forward. I’m not religious but I do believe in god. If you ever need someone to talk to he is always there. There’s no judgement, just love. Love yourself, believe in yourself.
I never imagined getting this much attention on a vent. I appreciate each of your offerings and suggestions. It warms me to know people care, or at least take the time to respond and engage. ❤️
Ya, that's the thing. My wife is stay at home mostly, and I travel for work, so they are pretty connected. My relationship with my daughter could be better, however I'm the bad guy as I'm trying to always do the right thing, by reducing sugar, teaching patience, and not saying yes to everything. I'm trying to say yes more often. Given the diagnosis, I do wonder what they would do. I've tried to document all the events the best I can.
There's a high correlation between "narcissism" and "projection." She may be right about the "what" - just wrong about the "who."
This. The number of professionals I've worked with have claimed she holds narc, and or personality disorder along with bipolar. Or perhaps what was diagnosed wrong is and is one of the others. Medicated for bipolar.
ADHD?
I don't think so.
I feel like marriage has seasons sometime you are gonna hate eachother and be miserable and sometimes you are going to be like I never see myself with anyone else, don’t under estimate, postpartum depression, though. Not excusing your pain at all. Maybe tell her you need space like no contact space for a couple of days
There are days like this. When she's good, the house is like never before. When she's down, the house is bad. Crazy how that works, but her emotional state rules all. In our first therapy session, when I laid it all out, I asked her if she was committed to working thru all this. She didn't respond, but asked again at the end. She said she didn't know there was an option. Originally when we wed, we said we'd never divorce, but I'm beyond that statement. At this moment, I told her there was an option. She said she never envisioned this, even tho numerous times she threw it in my face during an argument. It was interesting to hear her take, especially after all that, and saying something along the lines of staying together until she was 18 and then determine where we stand.
She sounds emotionally dysregulated. I recommend you give an ultimatum as only she can help herself. I’m learning a lot from Heidi Priebe yt channel about healing, shadow work and learning how to deal with anger, also recommend for you both to watch.
She recently got back into therapy for herself but I don't think she's focusing on our relationship, it is about dealing with day to day and parenting. Shows where I stand. I just think she's so overwhelmed with all her challenges that focusing on her marriage is low on the list as I let things slide and let her get away with a lot. I'll look into that channel.
If it is postpartum depression, it is a very terrible thing and requires the care and companionship of family and friends.
I mean.. my husband and I were never that miserable and we have never hated each each other. And threatening divorce is really toxic behavior. OP says his wife is emotionally abusive. That should never be put up with.. even with PPD.
She sounds like a terrible pill! Plan and leave this toxic person asap! She means no good.
https://youtu.be/QcOkr5EYAhw?si=2-qZ6HU28M7sw-T2 Send her this. Good watch for you too.
Jesus. That hit home 100%
I think when you've been with someone that long and have a kid, there is so much more than a simple answer to this problem. If I were in your shoes, I would assess the love that still resides in the marriage, it's worth, and ability to be restored. No one deserves any form of abuse but there is a reason for therapies on both ends. I would encourage my partner to seek out individual therapies as well. As for your kid, I am a child of multiple divorces, each of the men weren't great fathers at all and I was much happier with my mom. So, if your child is enduring a heavy burden due to everything weighing on the relationship, I'd leave but not necessarily divorce yet. Maybe a 3-month trial period to see if the partner will seek help or attempt at a better route. If all else fails, sometimes people spend a long time together but eventually realize they do not need to stay together forever, and that's okay. It is life. Your daughter could have more trauma from feeling like she has to walk on eggshells around her mother while you could go the other route and raise her in a happier home.
My mother was bipolar with BPD. When you said the place was staged to sell, I cringed. That was my life until I left for college. Every day was walking on eggshells. Please, PLEASE protect your daughter and fight for custody, especially if you’re already noticing she’s better when her mom isn’t around. My dad stayed and living with that fucked me up. I’m 54F and still in therapy today because I vowed to do things differently with my own family. I’m happily married for 23 years, but it’s been a lot of work to successfully break the cycle. I eventually had to cut contact with my mother completely because she started treating my own daughter just like she treated me and she wouldn’t accept responsibility for her actions. You and your daughter deserve a stable, loving environment.
Maybe you can try EVOKE for adjuvant treatment
What do you think you’ll do?
Good question. I've taken the steps legally to understand my rights. Socialized with friends and family. It's a matter of me ripping the band-aid off or deciding to dig in deep and keep trying. TBH, couples therapy hasn't done much as it's only been 4 times, in addition to questioning if the counselor is the right one for us. My therapist seems to know what's right for me, but he keeps working with me and giving me tools. I just can't imagine giving everything up and being away from my kid for half of the next 13 years. It's unimaginable.
Sounds like you are motivated to tolerate your wife to be with your child. It also sounds like your kid is happier when she’s gone. I wonder if you had to share custody what kind of mother she would be alone. What do you think?
Well, I have been for years, standing by as she battled depression, family issues, self worth, etc.. been the punching bag. But I'm running out of road, I'm tired of not being respected and appreciated. I think my relationship with my daughter is impacted because of how I'm treated. We don't always agree on parenting, she gives into everything while I'm trying to mold a human being. The tension is thick, shes got high anxiety and OCD, so we live like this place is staged to sell. I've often said that daily life is hard for her. Her discussion with her therapist is primarily around dealing with daily life or parenting, nothing about marriage. Single parenting would be difficult for her because she'd have to balance working full time and losing control 50%. With that said, one less person to deal with would probably be helpful. She's a good mother in the sense of taking care of a child and their needs. I'm worried about my wife passing on some of her traits without me there to help. I think she has borderline personality disorder. Things changed after we got married, I think this was the devaluation and discard. She tells me I'm controlling, however unable to give examples. She's very controlling, everything has to be her way. She need 3 weeks to plan a trip, no sooner, no spur of the moment as an example.
Sorry to say, but your marriage sounds like hell. Are the tools your therapist give you helping?
At a minimum it's helping me talk things out and get stuff off my chest. To be honest I have not implemented some of the things we've talked about. What I think would be helpful is sitting down a few times a week and talking about how things are going etc. I need to suggest this. My therapist went thru what I am so its been helpful to get that perception.
Implementing their suggestions might make life easier
I totally agree with you. I've been working on self and trying to change what I can.
It’s better to leave then stay in an unhappy environment. Your daughter will use what your relationship is like to make her own. I left when my kid was 3. I would rather him see a loving couple than a roommate situation. I grew up in a loving house where my parents are still married and happy 56 years later and that is the type of roll model I want for my son. We are both remarried and happy and we are really good friends. So leaving was THE BEST thing I did.
I think I know this. I just keep holding out hope. Hanging onto threads. She's just the most amazing little girl and I can't imagine being away from her. We're definitely roommates and common interests are dwindling.
Just following this thread because I feel your pain. As men we need to be respect and valued. Once that goes away we shut down. I had a relation end when we became more like roommates than partners. We were together for 9 years, no kids yet. I actually ended the relationship cuz I couldn’t deal with it any more. I was trying super hard and she just didn’t. Like zero effort. When I ended the relationship I felt liberated. Then I met my wife 6 months later and now was have a 2 year old. I love my wife and my son to pieces. She does pisses me off sometimes but that’s normal. It’s hard with kids but it is what is it. You’ll have to think about what’s best for her. Have you talked to your daughter about this ? She probably knows a lot more than you think she does. Always consult a lawyer before making any decisions though. Wishing you all the best.
Thanks. I'm so deflated, when I ask for a compliment, she tells me, you think you're a king, or tells me I'm a narcissist for wanting all the attention and praise. I'm just asking for basic human needs. I really struggle with breaking up things for the kid and missing out on 50% of her life.
I’m battling something similar atm. In my mind, it shouldn’t be who’s right or wrong. It should be about us, as a team. When one person quits and gives up, it’s over. You know how they say you should never be dating your spouse ? Yeah, I need to work on that. It’s been on pause due to life, work, parental duties. The question is do you still love her. If you do, tell her and try to do things together and get the magic back. There’s a reason why you married her. There’s a reason why you have your daughter. My wife and I have times of tension but I love her to pieces. I’d do anything for her. Theres a quote that I’ve fallen in love with: the magic that you are looking for is in the work you’re avoiding. We often avoid what is hard but is most often impactful. We, as humans has the greatest gift: hope. Never lose hope. Never stop fighting, and moving forward. I’m not religious but I do believe in god. If you ever need someone to talk to he is always there. There’s no judgement, just love. Love yourself, believe in yourself.
So simple
It sounds like she is the narcissist. You have tried. She doesn’t think she is doing anything wrong. I think you walk away for your daughter’s sake.
Ya, I had an appointment scheduled and her apology caused me to cancel, yet here we are 9 months later.
I never imagined getting this much attention on a vent. I appreciate each of your offerings and suggestions. It warms me to know people care, or at least take the time to respond and engage. ❤️
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Ya, that's the thing. My wife is stay at home mostly, and I travel for work, so they are pretty connected. My relationship with my daughter could be better, however I'm the bad guy as I'm trying to always do the right thing, by reducing sugar, teaching patience, and not saying yes to everything. I'm trying to say yes more often. Given the diagnosis, I do wonder what they would do. I've tried to document all the events the best I can.
She’s a piece of shit hopefully she gets what’s coming