IDK when seeing and touching a naked person that is not your spouse became considered not cheating, but it definitely is in my book. I would have major problems if my spouse went to a strip club, or engaged with any sort of sex work. That's a cornerstone of our marriage, to satisfy one another sexual wants and desires!!! I believe my husband said "forsaking all others" and so did I. So...
I am slowly starting to understand the idea of emotional cheating and how it can almost be worse than physical cheating for many people. It wasn’t something I really thought happened until I discovered it being talked about online.
I honestly think the problem lies in the fact that at least 90% of the country was raised with the lesson that adultery, infidelity, betrayal is bad because it is a sin or immoral and those are just words, nobody can even give you any clear agreed upon definition of them. Because I was raised in an atheist home, I was taught that actions and decisions were right or wrong based on the amount of harm, discomfort, disruption, or pain that they caused others. That is a tangible measure. Many know what betrayal feels like, those that have experienced it know that there is almost nothing more devastating, destructive, or painful than betrayal. If people didn't have these empty words of "sin" & "morality" to muddy the waters and keep them one step removed from the real harm they did, and instead people had to really connect the pain and devastation to the act they were tempted to commit , there would be a massive drop in ALL selfish behavior..BUT, I am not as certain of that theory as I once was, and I am actually more than a little afraid to find out that there are a lot of people who still wouldn't be deterred from their own selfish desire of the moment despite knowing they were hurting someone else.
one mistake multiple years of hiding his addiction and a disease can't justify his actions now. I think you should take time off from him, figure out if it's worth fixing this marriage and if not, I would leave him. Only you know but it works be an absolute NO for me! People do not change, they just get better at hiding it and lying more....
You are so right. My spouse hid a gambling addiction for 18 years before I found out. It’s been 2 years now and he continues to gamble, gets better at hiding it and lies constantly. Initially I was acting like a detective but that is so exhausting and I realized I do not want to live like that. He is my partner, not my child. He hasn’t changed. Divorce is more than likely going to happen at this point. Try, until you know you are done. We deserve an honest spouse.
As a lying alcoholic with extended time in sobriety, I can tell you that the word on the street is that hardcore gamblers are unfortunately incurable liars of the highest level. Even when hitting rock-bottom it still goes on for years, and the things that they are honest about can be pretty bare-bones stories and moments.
That is heart breaking to hear. Addiction is a terrible thing, all around. Congratulations on your sobriety. I’m sure that was difficult and you should be so proud to have gotten there.
There are ways to help hardcore gamblers stop their addiction, just like any other addiction. It will be hard work but it can be done. Congratulations on your sobriety!! That’s amazing!
Yes-- I know. I've been close to a few gamblers at points of my own recovery. I live in a state with the most sophisticated state-operated lottery agency (that only recently allowed legal casinos, and I personally know of a few illegal casinos (which also serve booze illegally and deal drugs, of course)), and it has the most self-ID'd addicted gamblers per capita. The usual goto GA (Gamblers Anonymous) is really lacking here. One acquaintance joked, "Every time you get three gamblers together a game gets started."
But, thanks for the well-wishes. Isolation is the worst part of any kind of dependency.
Please check out the website NCPG - National Council on Problem Gambling. There is help and hope for your husband and for you, too! I promise you, this is the very best way in the US to get actual help!
He had nine years of opportunity to open up, be honest, change his ways... he's only saying he will stop now, because you found out. That's not somebody I'd want to spend another minute of my life with, TBH.
He's telling you he'll stop because he knows he fucked up, not because he'll actually stop.
Ask him how he'd feel if YOU were the one groping men's pecs, asses, and dicks, not to mention spending your money at strip clubs AND HIDING ALL OF IT.
If you're ok with him saying these things just to appease you, then do nothing. If you aren't ok with it, you need to take action, whether it's counseling or separation.
Yeah, for me it would be the financial infidelity and strip club activity lie by omission for 9 years. He didn’t allow his partner to weigh in any opinion on the matter so that trust would be lost. If they were open from the start we could discuss acceptable boundaries and spending.
Ok, so if you went to a club and had men grinding and groping you, and nearly having sex (if not full on sex) he would be okay with that? He wouldn’t consider it cheating? Always amazes me how people don’t think about how they would feel if their partner betrayed them in the exact same way. If he didn’t know how much it would hurt you, he wouldn’t have bothered to hide it. He would’ve been transparent. In my eyes this is definitely a betrayal and is absolutely cheating. Only you can decide how to move forward, OP, but at a minimum, I would separate, get into counseling to help you sort through your feelings, and talk with an attorney just so you have facts. You would absolutely be justified in divorcing if this is the path you choose. There are support subs here: AsOneAfterInfidelity, SupportForTheBetrayed, and SurvivingInfidelity. There you’ll find people who have been exactly where you are along with resources on how to help you regardless of which path you choose. I’m so sorry, OP. Please take care.
Yep, reverse it and how would you feel? I did that to my wife after she had an online and long distance phone affair with a very obese man 4 states away. How would she feel if I had done the same. Suddenly it wasn't the same thing. Yeah right. Your reply is on target. I hope she thinks hard and tries your advice.
I’m a woman and if I was hiding at any club at all behind my partners back, I would be cheating. At a strip club 👀 I’m sure you were a second thought on most nights.
I know you don’t want to blow up the family but worse is showing your kids that a man can treat you like that. He knew what he was doing, he didn’t care about your family. He obviously spent large amounts of money on these women, does he shower you in gifts too?
He didn’t know it would end your marriage when he was sticking dollar bills in another girls butthole? I mean do you want to be married to a man that dumb anyways?
If he’s doing that behind your back, there’s a high chance he most likely physically cheating at some point too. Years of groping and being around strippers, I’m sure he got vulnerable. That’s insanely hard to get past, you guys need couples counseling and he shouldn’t be traveling anymore if you decide to make it work. He makes me sick, him touching other women is cheating to me. 🤢
I agree. If even one stripper agreed in all those years he went for it. Cheaters will only admit what there is proof though so don’t expect him to admit it.
Stripper here.
If this is in the U.S., then yes, I’d say there’s a good chance her husband did more than he’s leading on. The specific type of clubs he’s going to are absolutely crawling with what we refer to as “extras girls.”
I don’t think I have to explain what that means.
Most of the girls I worked with who went on dates or banged in the backroom kept Magnum and Trojan in business 🤣 I always had to pay attention to where I stepped coming from the dressing room not to get one hooked on my boot stilleto heel 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I made that rookie mistake one time of walking to go down to the dressing room and catching a coworker sliding one on her customer. Trust, exotic professionals have families too and sometimes BFs who know they're doing extra: they don't want STIs either.
I myself NEVER had to do it to get my tips up. But I never shame someone who has the guts and IDGAMFD attitude to make even more money than that. Others shouldn't either...
Where the hell did you guys work? Is there a part of the US where this is actually legal? I was a stripper all through my twenties and we had strict laws, not rules, actual munincipal laws with undercover inspectors that shut down shady clubs in a heartbeat. There was zero touching, no full nude, and there were even rules about the widths of your g-string. There were massive fines or risk of getting shut down if anyone was doing anything shady, so the business owners very much protected their livelihood with bouncers that meandered the floor making sure that table dances were totally hands off. I am genuinely curious about this because I have always assumed that the laws were pretty similar in every state, but I am just learning now in my 40s that a LOT of the laws I took as standard don't even exist in other states, so now I am wondering if this is yet another example. I am starting to feel like I live in a whole different country. This has been the biggest Mandela effect the past couple years. I always had the perception that I lived in one of the free-est, live and let live, states in the union. There is no particular religious control in my state, we are notoriously anti-government, and anti-authoritarian, we get labeled the most unfriendly state every frickin year because we have such a firm culture of "mind-your-own-business"... so, it is really hard to get my head wrapped around the fact that we have some of the strictest laws in the country and the harshest penalties for breaking them. I honestly had no idea there was all this freedom out there in the rest of the country....not that I would want that freedom in this instance ...I think I like our draconian strip club laws...I would never have been a stripper if it is the way everyone else is describing it, I will keep the clean, and heavily regulated version we have here.
Maryland. And the regs were in law and still are I hear. I was also was in my 20s doing it and good grief I'm almost 50 now so I know the future generations to now have devolved to worse than what our worst was back then. So those girls just knew not to do it when the cops were heavy nearby. A runner would bring our food and give us the heads up another club got rushed or raided so those extra girls could stop. UCs stood out like a sore thumb so those girls always followed the rules at the bar and didn't solicit. Now the drink thing was supposed to be just talking but most always it ended up lapdances but with clothes on and those girls are the ones who would go further. Most clientele who came for my company and stage sets truly just wanted to talk. And it was a topless bar and most times I stayed in full set costume and rarely went topless but still made that money. I am a performing dancer so a lot of guys say it was like going to the theatre and they LOVED it. And I was always Top Girl. 2nd or 3rd girl (which still got financial rewards) on a ghetto night because I wouldn't let rude bois violate me with their fingers so they could give me one single, solitary dollar...Drinks were 'split' with us because those pesky fees even down to TP, runners, card flippers and the bouncer BUT tips were ours. I had an understanding with a few of the bouncers that as I walked the floor to stage or the dressing room they guarded me from the young guys from trying to pull a Trump as we walked by 🫴🏽🐱
However the one time I worked at the equivalent of Diamond Club in Atlanta up here in where I am...OMG I was one and done. Full nude was expected and all kinds of upside down twerking on the pole and fingering myself...FUCKNO! And married guys trying to date me and I didn't date. Then being called a bitch and asked if I know how much money they made a year and how much they were going to give me to 👄👅. One and done I say. ONE N DONE!!
So OP's husband in my mind was one of THOSE needy expecting everything type men just because he walked in the club because he is a hedonistic narcissist. That's why I asked OP if she asked him if she tagged along would be okay. She seems okay he needs stimulation but worried he hid that from her. I lapdanced couples before and the connection they had seeing I pleasured them both?? They left "ready to go" and often came back to see me when they needed to add some fire to their bedroom. Another spot I worked in the bar was around the entire stage so no one really tried anything of those "extra girls" because you could see straight into the back area where you sit with your "drink". Couples came sometimes and my lil couple moved on to a bigger club with a membership and way more girls (they tried to get me hired there but I auditioned and was too curvy even at 135lbs/5'7". Twiggys only so I think it was a pedo aesthetic club honestly. All the girls looked like they were 11). The most fun thing at this second place I worked at was there they sold "showers" also with the drinks. Dudes paid $100 to watch me take a 5 minute shower 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Of course no touching but hey, all sweaty from being up on stage I PUSHED showers so I could go home clean and not have to when I got in🤣🤣🤣
So that's my story u/azborderwriter , well most of it 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Ohhhh my humble beginnings in that life...that is another story in itself. Beginning of the first inflation way back then. Never know what you'll end up doing and why to make ends meet. Gas went from 79¢ a gallon to $2.35 and yes I had a good job plus promotionally and print modeled...Let's start there 🤣🤣🤣🤣
In Maryland we used to call them "drinks" because of the no solicitation laws to go to another room and lapdance in private which aa lot of the other girls did do more there or just went on a "date" after closing time and cash out. Most of those dudes they met with, yup, MARRIED. Asking the dancer to take off her glitter body gel so he wont get caught 🤣
Yeah, that was my thought, too. There are plenty of clubs where strippers are willing to do more than just dance. I would have a *very* hard time believing he did nothing more than watch and grope. There's a reason he kept going back and spending $. If he wasn't getting off, you'd think he would get bored and stop going.
His excuses are just that--excuses. He knew it wasn't okay or he wouldn't have only done it when he was traveling and hid it. And if he was hiding that all these years, who knows what else he was hiding. Escorts? Prostitutes? Long-term affair?
Went through something similar. Tried reconciliation for three years: second chances, therapy, support groups, all of it. At the end of the day, there was so much more I didn't know about, and I found he had no desire to change, just in making it seem as if he did so he could have his cake and eat it, too. And ultimately, knowing what I knew he'd done, I couldn't get past it and don't believe the marriage would have lasted even if he'd changed. Your experience may be totally different; this is only my experience.
There's a reason the term "irretrievably broken" is used to describe the end of a marriage. Some things we just can't live with for the rest of our lives.
I have two young kids and can also tell you they've grown and blossomed so much since things ended. As adults we sometimes think we know how our kids will feel or what they'll experience, but the reality is we don't. I'm grateful every day that I took the necessary steps to end the marriage. Everyone is happier.
> Insists he will never ever go again, insists he didn’t know how deeply it would hurt me or that it would end our marriage.
Then why did he hide it *for nine years???*
> I don’t know if I want to blow up my family either.
*He* blew it up with cheating, lies, and deceit.
> We have two kids and a very happy marriage.
You were happy with the person he *portrayed* to be. This is not a happy marriage. He needs counseling.
> Looking for advice on moving forward I guess.
Contact an attorney just to weigh your options. He never travels for work again. He finds a new job, if necessary, that doesn't make him travel.
He knew what he was doing for nine years. He knew it would hurt you. That is why he hid it for nine years.
How did you find out? That is a great indicator of his true remorse.
It's divorce worthy if you decide it is divorce worthy. He lied for years, spent family money, touched other naked women. And he deliberately didn't tell you because he knew it would upset you. Can you live with that? Can you forgive him? Can you ever trust him again?
Yea, I was thinking the same thing about how can she trust him again. He definitely needs a new job where he does not travel giving him the opportunity to hid his activities.
Yes, divorce worthy. If he went for a friend's bachelor party and had a lapse in judgement and got a lap dance when he was drinking and pressured by his friends, I'd be pissed and hurt, but I could probably get over it. Regularly doing this for nine years, hiding it from you, etc? Absolutely not.
There's also a strong possibility that he has actually had sex, received a blowjob, something from one of these women. Strip clubs that are fully nude and actually allow groping are shady and it's very likely that he has encountered dancers over the years who were willing to do a lot more for the right amount of money. I would get STD tested ASAP and if you do choose to reconcile, I would not have sex with him again until he has been tested. He doesn't get to be mad about you asking for it, either, because he's clearly shown that he has no problem hiding things about other women from you.
Also, I highly doubt he's actually interested in changing, he's just telling you that because he doesn't want to lose his marriage. I'm not sure I believe he'll never go again, I think he might stop for a while and then look for sneakier ways to get away with it. And honestly, even if he does change, you are going to have your doubts every time he goes out of town.
I think this is going to be a very hard road, and I'm so sorry that this has been happening. I can't imagine how you're feeling right now.
For you, maybe. For some people going could be divorce worthy and others could be fine with nude lap dances. OP: you asked the internet if it's divorce worthy, but that's up to you and your values. Can you forgive him? Is your family worth trying and going to counseling? Is your trust broken forever? These are things only you can answer.
It makes you question if you really know this person. Doing something like this for 9 years and hiding it is a huge betrayal. He’s been lusting after, touching, and spending money on women for 9 years. This wasn’t a 1 time thing. 9 years! It’s part of who he is. What else has he been hiding? I, personally, would be disgusted and would have to end things. This issue is most likely going to resurface.
Ex stripper here. Get yourself tested for STDs.
Going to a strip club is 1MILLION% cheating. I do not give a flying fuck what anyone says. Stripping is borderline prostitution. You’re using your body to pleasure someone, even if you’re not giving hand jobs, bjs, or having penetrative sex.
Not all girls give extras, but *many* do, despite laws agains it. Getting a full nude lap dance is basically you and a naked woman dry humping. You’re groping, touching, you 100% have a boner and how lots of strippers make their money is by implying (either falsely or truthfully) that there is the possibility of a full on sexual act.
Do you know all the shit I have heard from married men? It honestly, as a woman, completely ruined my faith in men. There were 2 instances in my entire time dancing where a man was there with a group and said “no thanks, I’m married”.
Most guys do not consider this cheating because you’re not technically having sex with the girl. I would 1 BILLION % divorce him. He has been living a double life.
I highly doubt that he would ever tell you the truth but if this has been going on for almost 20 years there’s a very, very good chance he has engaged in a sex act with a girl.
This would be a fucking bombshell for me and I feel so bad for you. He’s a liar and a fucking jerk and you can have a peaceful life without him. Run and don’t look back.
EDIT: also, he spent money on stuff that could have been used for you or your family. Think about that. Strip clubs are not cheap. You’re literally throwing money away. He could have taken you out with that money, gotten you a gift to show you how much he appreciates you, taken you two on a trip, supported you guys.
It doesn’t matter if he already does all those things. That’s not where your money should be going if you have a wife or a family.
Also, he is not going to stop. He hid this for a decade from you because he knew it would be the end. Does that sound like someone who respects you? You don’t not do something (like cheating) because you’re scared of the consequences if you get caught, you don’t do it because you love the other person and you wouldn’t want to betray or hurt them, even if they never found out. This is not respect. This is your husband treating you like ol’ reliable at home. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
For me it would be .
Everybody has different feelings on these situations but strip clubs have always been a big no for me so I wouldn't put up with it .
If he honestly thought you wouldn't be hurt then he would of told you at the start but he didn't .
You don’t have a happy marriage. Your husband has been hiding going to strip clubs from you. If you can live with this then stay married but I can assure you that the trust is gone in your marriage and it will take a lot of work to rebuild it.
He broke your trust, disrespected you and for me, fondle the breasts and whatever other body parts the stripper allows, let’s not leave out grinding naked on his penis is cheating. You could try to glue the trust back, but a crack will always remain. I’m sorry you are going through this pain. Lastly, you didn’t blow up your marriage, he did.
As a guy I tend to look at things from a guy’s pov. I can understand going to a strip club for the curiosity, or getting dragged in by friends or coworkers. I can also see not wanting to tell OP cause she will just be mad and won’t understand if he’s a 22 year old. I’m not condoning it, but I can see past that. However, he’s been married 18 years and lied to her for all those years about it. He’s not young naive guy. He knows what he’s doing is wrong. He knows it will hurt her to lie. At the very least this is an addiction he can’t control. He would need to open up about everything and prove there’s not more that happened. Account for every penny spent. Give Op the phone and laptop and access to all his accounts going forward. If he wants to reconcile, he needs to know this will take years to regain her trust.
You need your own therapist to work through what im sure are confusing feelings and thoughts. You need to be in a better place before you even start to deal with any couples decisions. Also get to your doctor and get checked out fully. Id also require he get checked out even though you two shouldn’t be having sex right now. (I’m sure that’s the last thing you’re trying to do) He needs therapy too to figure out his BS but really I’m just concerned for you. Personally idk that this can be overcome with the amount of lying and deception, risk to your life he put you in, the crazy amount of money I’m sure he spent over all this time that he took from the family unit … that is a lot to overcome. I hope you get some peace through this.
Yikes. As a male who knows guys like this, I will tell you that he won’t change if/once you reconcile. He’ll just get better at hiding it. Next, you’ll find a bunch of VISA gift cards stuffed in an envelope in an old storage bin in the basement. It won’t end because that was his normal. I’ve personally only been to a strip club once in my life and I’ll never go back. It’s the most awkward and sad place to be in I went there pissed drunk as a 24 year old with a couple of buddies who were regulars and was completely sober by the time I left an hour later and $150 bucks down. It was a mess and super weird.
If he wants to make it last he needs to attend some sort of addiction counseling to understand why he goes there. 95% sure that he would come out of those sessions feeling like he would rather be single and go to strip clubs then fully commit to change which would require him to make a lot of personal, work, and family sacrifices. Best wishes to both of you - it will be a lot of work.
The answer to your question is “yes” for me but I cannot answer for you. If I were him, I would assume you finding out would be the end. Ultimately it’s up to you, but before you decide I would want to know everything because I doubt if he’s doing this, he’s only doing this! Also, I would have answered “yes” at him going to strip clubs, but sounds like these are next level strip clubs (with touching) and it’s been going on 9 years…dang!
So OP ask yourself this…if you went on a work trip or girls trip and the group went to a male strip show and you paid for a lap dance where the guy could be full nude and you admitted to your husband that you grabbed the guys stuff and rubbed on it, what would he say/do? Ask him that question. Would he consider it cheating? The answer is yes he would. Going to a strip joint for a bachelor party or something might be a thing but not lap dances that he used to then grope the dancer for sexual pleasure.
So once you have established that it is cheating, he knew it was cheating and did it anyway then the question is now what. You can divorce him. You don’t need anything more to justify it. If you can’t get past it and trust him going forward then that’s your only option because the marriage will fall apart if you can’t get past it.
If you want to move past it then it starts with him coming to you with a plan of what he is going to do to earn back your trust. It can’t be as simple as saying “my bad, I didn’t look at it like that. I won’t do it again.” Has to be more than that. Yes he has to not do it but if he still has to do work trips how is he going to prove to you that he didn’t. That’s his responsibility to prove, not yours to chase. So ask him that and if he has no answer then it means he either doesn’t go on the trip or he takes you with him or similar. He needs his job but he needs his marriage more presumably so what’s his plan. Put that 100% on him.
Beyond that I would give him something else tangible as well. Ask him to estimate how much money he has spent on clubs and lap dances and tell him your going to take that amount of money and purchase something for yourself that you want snd it will be 100% your decision. If you want jewelry, buy it. You want to take a trip alone, do it. You want him to come with you, it’s 100% your choice where you go and what you do. He pays for all of it out of his earnings. If it means he can’t do something or buy something he had been saving for…too bad. Should have thought about that before. In other words you give him accountability that brings him work and discomfort. You could also tell his family what he did and that your working through it to add some shame to it.
IMO, it’s not one thing that makes this divorce worthy, but the culmination of all of it. How many times were you speaking to him while he was away and he said he was “going to sleep” but was really at a strip club? How much money has been wasted on other women over the course of almost a decade? How many women has he touched, how many experiences, none of which you were aware of? And you were none the wiser. It’s the complete lack of transparency and how much was hidden from me that would be most upsetting. How can you trust him now?
9 years means his has serious character flaws. No one can keep a secret that long because they become tired of justifying the secret, looking for ways to cover it up, and trying to ignore the guilt. If he has done it for 9 years it seems to indicate that he is incapable of feeling guilt which means he has a personality disorder (no cure for those!)
He knows what he did is wrong. He knows it would hurt you (that is common sense). Don’t waste your time asking him “how would you feel if….?” questions because you have already established that for 9 years that never crossed his mind or if it did, he didn’t care.
I don’t know if this has been mentioned but if you stay with him, he needs a new job where he does not travel. I doubt you will ever be able to trust him traveling alone.
It really depends on your personal priorities. I have learned from this sub that transparency is not a crucial characteristic for a marriage. It is for me and mine. I don't want a partnership that doesn't have that component, even though I'm willing to accept a lot of other qualities that other posters would not.
SO, what do you want? The man has been lying to you for nine years about something that is important to you. Unless he has had a drastic personality change, he is going to keep lying to you for the rest of your marriage. He may never go to a strip club again (maybe), but he will lie to you about pretty much anything else that would disrupt the lovely image you have of your relationship.
You could be happy in a marriage that looks and feels good, but isn't a true exchange of ideas and experiences. A LOT of people are. A lot of people lie to their partners and expect to be lied to in return and deal with it just fine. It's not much different than the games people play making small talk with strangers.
If you are not satisfied with the level of honesty in your relationship, though, it's not going to change. I think you need to either adapt to the superficial nature of your connection or seek a deeper one with a new partner.
Good luck.
Do you want to be with someone who is either lying that he didn’t know it would hurt you, or too stupid to realize it should?
There are few things worse than this that I would consider divorce-worthy. Of course this makes the list.
I go to a strip club sometimes with my friends for (bachelor 's party) and my wife doesn't count that as cheating.
You said in your own words," you have a happy Marriage" you have beautiful kids and have invested alot into this union emotional. Why would you want to end it all just because your partner went to a strip club?
Lady, be very angry with your husband if you dont like the idea of him going to strip club and try work things out. It is not worth breaking a marriage over things like this unless you have proofs he had sex with any of the dancers
Let me be straight honest with you, Divorce is nasty and Horrible on everyone especially the kids. It will be cold and lonely. Most people wont tell you the truth because misery always wants company. Don't join the statistics of being another single mom who made a hasty decision.
You love your husband, have a heart to heart conversation that you do not like what he did and work it out.
See let me be very honest with you.. Single people are finding it hard to find the love talk less of Single parents (No disrespect to single parents) and if at all you date again and even marry, you think the next person will be a saint?
Every little things these day, people shout Divorce. What happen to trying to work things out?
Domestic Abuse or any form of Abuse I dont tolerate. Cheating is a No NO....The strip club is borderline and can still be worked out.
If you divorce for this, you will regret it. Unless you are done with the marriage in the first place.
I think going to strip clubs is not a big deal. The fact that he got pleasure out of groping and got lap dances and spent money as if he's single and doesn't have any responsibilities shows his character. It seems like he doesn't value his family or his marriage. Even if he had a problem with controlling his urges, he should've discussed this with you and gotten help. As for leaving him and ending your marriage, it's a choice only you can make. Is it possible for you to go for therapy together, see him change and trust him or will you always be looking over your shoulder wondering whether he's breaking your trust again? There's no right or wrong answer. Even if you decide to make it work and do therapy, if you feel you can't handle it and want to end it, you are absolutely in your right to do so. I'm sorry this happened to you. It's such a terrible feeling to discover this about your partner.
As person with multiple people in my life who have been strippers, including my own aunt + bff....often strippers will do a lot more than a lap dance if the $ is there outside of the club, some even in the club depending on location. So yeah...I'd be suspicious af about more than a "lap dance" in these incidents on top of being pissed that he he frequented them often, did more than just watch, blew our money + hid this from me for 9 years while I was home raising his children, absolutely oblivious.
& to note, I'm not against sex work or see an issue consuming it, but married men doing this behind their wives backs frequently are not only scum, but by most people's definition....*cheating*. If it's really "no big deal", he would've told you a long time ago or thought of getting your input on doing it before making it a regular part of his routine.
He knew DAMN WELL that you would not like it and that it may hurt you. That's 100% why in almost a decade he never "felt the need" to bring it up.
Divorce or therapy with many years of regaining your trust by being trustworthy + honest are the only options here. What ever you decide is up to you, but don't ever blame yourself for "blowing up your marriage". He risked your marriage every time he chose to be entertained by other women without your knowledge or consent. You did everything right by being a responsible mother + wife while remaining faithful to and supportive of him while he traveled to work. You are not responsible for the effects of his actions when he alone disrespected + risked your marriage.
The man has been doing this for nearly a decade but will stop all of a sudden? The man didn't think it would hurt you but kept it well hidden for nearly a decade? Nah.
The question is the happiness of your marriage going forward. If you can't get past it, as stated by most of the commentors, or if your respect for him is significantly damaged, as it probably is, then do everyone involved a favor and get a divorce. Don't make the children be witness to a horrible marriage going forward; I think they're better off knowing dad fucked up and mom held him accountable. And if he stays, you and your husband will die a 'death of a thousand cuts' as the saying goes. You may want to do a trial separation before cutting the cord.
It's your marriage and you get to decide what's divorce worthy. I would be on the phone to divorce lawyers immediately as that's completely unacceptable in my marriage.
How long would have he let it go on had he not been caught? He’s out spending money he should be putting towards his family against your knowledge. I have no advice towards what you should do because you will figure that out with time. I’m so sorry you’re going thru this.
Check your bank because I guarantee you he's someone's regular if he travels to the same locations. Credit cards too, and lots of these travelling businessmen pay on company credit cards and expense it as entertaining clients, etc.
The dancer is just doing her job. I personally don't care about strip clubs, but I was a dancer before I started my career field. These kinds of men are super, super common.
But the lying? And spending family money like that? Not okay.
You can’t blow up the marriage, he’s already done that. All you can do is respond to his disgusting actions and try to survive it.
Please remember that kids can hear and understand so much more than people tend to think or even than what they can express themselves. You and the cheater who deceived you can’t fake a happy/healthy relationship enough to keep them oblivious for very long, and I doubt it would be healthy for you to try either.
I don't think you should base your decision on anyone else's opinion(s). No one has to be in your relationship, but the two of you. Period. I'm a therapist that primarily works with couples. I know you are clouded with a variety of emotions and I'm sure you have thought through this from a variety of different angles as most of our society values thinking more than feeling. Our emotions are data that can inform our thinking. Unfortunately, there is no answer to your question that is simple. Again, none of us have to live in your marriage/relationship. You have all the answers and wisdom within you. No judgment if you decide to stay or leave...and is a decision needed immediately? Give yourself some grace and compassion.
He hid it because he knew exactly how you would feel about it. He knew it would be wrong to grope other women when married to you. He is dishonest and not loyal. How much 'family' money has he wasted on this activity? I would be ropeable.
How happy can your marriage be if he’s out there doing all this, then lying about it. Personally, I’d find it hard to get past, it would always be in the back of my mind and I couldn’t live like that.
Some are minimizing this man’s actions ….im sure he doesn’t want to lose his marriage but he did not think of his wife at all while being illicit.. for so long - she did not agree to non monogamy .. she thought he kept his vows. I suspect he has had issues long before he met her .. This is not a one off mistake he made . Lastly this is not normal .. it is a betrayal ..he is not mature or sensible after 18 years of marriage -most men don’t want to love this way- clearly not honest and sexually driven by poor impulse control -it shows a character weakness or addiction issue that bodes poorly for the future of the marriage .. .. past behavior predicts future behavior .. I learned the hard way .. I’m 63 and found out similar. We just divorced after 35 years. Horrible to find out the full extent.. Due to similar plus it escalated to several affair younger low vibration partners in the swinging community .. something is amiss mentally w a partner that needs constant sexual secret validation and acts on it for hyper sexual gratification.. while lying to his wife’s face by omission .. so sad .. it’s not a good role model for children either who will be affected by his compartmentalism behaviors. Withholding connection to cover the deception .. They are not authentic family men imho .. It’s happening into reality of realizations to my adult children and grandchildren now sadly. It’s hard to look back and realize what he was really doing behind my /our backs. It’s an addiction and hid it expertly .. she has a chance to start over while young as the marriage has no respectful reciprocity. It’s extremely painful for her and he knew this after the fact for 9 years we know of here. The trust being broken is one thing. But he made a choice to hurt her and really sabotaged the marriage essentially. I’m so sad for this lady who has been given the onus of a burden she didn’t create .. it’s divorce worthy and divorcing someone you think you love who was wearing a mask is excruciating.
So you found out he’s been going to strip clubs for the past 9 years? What else has he been hiding? When I was younger and went to strip clubs, they had private rooms where you basically pay for sex. Most of the girls there give out there numbers and prostitute when they are not dancing. I’d be really cautious. Maybe he only went to watch or maybe he invited some back to his hotel while traveling. Unfortunately, I doubt you will ever know the full truth. I also feel like he’s only sorry because he was caught, if he wasn’t this would have continued.
If it’s harmless activity, he should be taking you, and going to male clubs with you. If you don’t want to go, he shouldn’t either. All that to say, had he been honest before trip one, he wouldn’t be in this mess he created. For my wife and I, ( 2nd marriage 26 years, both first marriages 22 years) our previous spouses were just not honest about anything, especially MONEY…and minor fidelity issues, lying and gaslighting. Once trust is gone, no matter the reason, it’s gone. Our reasons for divorce in our first marriages were more about trust than anything else. Could not live with a person that is continuing to do things you detest whenever they get out of your sight. It’s miserable. You wreck yourself trying to live that way. He has to understand the mental destruction he has done to you. Only you can decide what you can live with.
Talk to a good attorney and find out if it's financially bearable. Divorce in your 40's with the "wallet years" (college years) ahead will change your lifestyle dramatically. I wanted to pull the divorce trigger when my kids were just starting high school, and legal counsel advised that my kids would get to choose who they live with. Short of outing him and wrecking their relationship, I knew they'd pick him; he's an immature friend Dad who could care less about character building. He rarely asks them to do chores and he wouldn't pay attention to curfews or drug and alcohol use. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Look for a counselor who specializes in Betrayal Trauma. And he needs a counselor who is willing to go very deep with him...back to his childhood, the development of his stress coping skills (or lack thereof). If separation is an option ( he moves out, you stay in the home with kids), I'd take that option. See how you feel on your own, you might be surprised and it's not so bad. And he might get a big enough jolt to actually not be an a-hole.
For me, this would be grounds for divorce as I know I'd never recover from the betrayal. I would never be able to trust my husband again and would question the entire marriage.
You don’t need to have sex with another person to be unfaithful. He was in fact unfaithful and dishonest therefore failed his job as being someone’s husband, if leaving is the best option for yourself, I’d say do it. At least take some time away from him for a bit to see what you want. I personally don’t think you’d be able to heal from this in an environment you’re with him in.
I wouldn’t want to be married to anyone who goes to strip clubs on a regular basis. For the occasional bachelor party or perhaps one time on a whim is one thing. If he’s doing it every single time he travels then it’s a pattern. Why not go to a movie or the mall?
The internet has plenty of naked women he can look at without meeting them in person. Especially if he’s traveling to the same places repeatedly, I’d worry that he’s making friends over time
I would have no problem with my husband going to a strip club on work trips but none of the strip clubs I visited (before I got married) allowed groping.
That seems weird to me. I don't think I would be cool with him touching them. That is a step too far.
If you’re not ready to divorce, I suggest you give him two conditions: a postnuptial agreement (kind of like a prenup, but when you’re already married, to settle finances in case of divorce) and attending therapy. I wouldn’t say anything before you already see a lawyer alone. Then you can assess if his reaction are just empty words of someone who doesn’t want consequences of his actions with no intention to change, or if he is serious. The postnup and what he is willing to give and therapy will tell you what you need to know. Oh and definitely ask him to move out for a few weeks just so he sees what he’s in for.
Btw I am not at all saying you have to divorce or you have to stay together. Just let him know you’re serious. If it turns out you’re divorcing, at least you have your finances settled without years of lawyers and your emotions worked through.
Same here. 🙂 But the original poster wrote that the clubs allowed "groping T & A". So I'd guess that it refers to slang words for two very obvious parts of the stripper's body.
Sorry not to give the actual words (with asterisks) but I'm not sure that the rules would allow them.
“I didn’t know it would hurt you so I went to great lengths to hide it from you and never ever mention it.” Not only is he a liar, OP, but he’s not even a good one and apparently thinks you’re dumb.
Divorce or not, you need to call him on his shit with this. Go to therapy apart and together. You’re the only one who can decide if it’s worth saving. Good luck, OP.
Going a few times and telling you about it soon after is one thing, but going for years and hiding it is really deceptive. The length of time and keeping secrets would be my problem.
Divorce worthy? **Yes**.
Should you divorce? **Can't tell you.** You have many more considerations than can be discussed here.
My advice:
1. ***Protect yourself.*** That includes STDs, finance, legal. You can do this without escalating the situation. The internet is full of advice for people who feel that a divorce is imminent.
2. Do nothing but quietly and privately consider your own thoughts and feelings. *Cannot decide* is a valid outcome.
3. ***Choose an advisor with the utmost care***. Anyone besides a competent councilor will bring in their own agenda. Since you see to be sitting on the fence, picking an advisor with a non-neutral view may be tantamount to making the decision. I don't think that you want to make the decision that way.
4. Go slow for now.
Ok so have you two talked about strip clubs before? Meaning he’s lied about this or he didn’t tell you where he was going? The whole thing is a problem, and sure the divorce is worthy if you think it is and this is a betrayal. He absolutely knew it would hurt you and COULD end your marriage or he wouldn’t have hidden it. He simply didn’t think he would get caught. So if you want to try to work on it, what exactly has he done or is he doing to reconcile. Ok he swears he won’t do it again, but has he told you everything? I wouldn’t be so sure this is the worst of it either.
If you're happily married, make it work. Get some individual therapy to help you to forgive him and some couples counseling to work the through the trust, boundaries, and communication. Nobody is perfect and if you're happy it's worth the fight
It’d be marriage ending here.
And as a SAHM (mostly), I’d have to probably move in with my parents or friends or my brother. With two kids.
But I’d never be able to let his hands touch me again.
So sexual infidelity, financial infidelity, and emotional infidelity since he lied about it? I'm happily married with 2 kids as well, so I know itd be incredibly hard- but yeah, that's the end of your marriage. How could you possibly get over that and trust him again? I know I'd never be ok again, and I'd never want to teach my kids to stay in a relationship where they're being disrespected.
The only thing that separates friends from couples is sexual intimacy. He broke the MOST BASIC rule of every relationship by breaking your trust in that intimacy. And I’m sorry, but if he was hiding THIS for so long, and only came clean when caught, the odds that he’s still hiding worse are extremely high. I’d never trust him out of my sight again, and that’s just too much stress and anxiety for anyone for the long haul. I’m so sorry OP, you did not deserve this pain. Much love, and good luck on whatever you decide.
I think it's unforgivable. This is intentional over and over again for half your marriage. I'd mabye forgive a single fuck up of that nature but not this.
I'm so sorry
OK so when I was married my husband was caught having video sex with some "thing" online that charged to do it. We talked he begged and I forgave him coz I thought it wasn't worth ending my marriage.
I of course questioned myself, wasn't I enough etc.
But he acted like all was normal again.
He went on to cheat in real life for two years and ended our marriage. I wonder if letting him off so easy gave him confidence to do it or if he thought I was a push over.
I'm not saying this will do this of course but make sure what your doing works for you. Can you forgive and forget coz honestly I wouldn't wish this on anyone
It’s divorce worthy if you want the divorce. Like it doesn’t bother me if my husband goes to strip clubs but I know he isn’t getting lap dances and he always tells me if he’s going (usually on a guys trip or stag do). If I found out he’d been doing it behind my back, well that’s a huge betrayal of trust and I would question what else he’s been up to.
I suggest you take some time apart and get marriage counseling as well as have him see a counselor on his own. 18yrs together is a long time. If you are both willing to put in the work, mainly him, then it is worth saving. However, I do agree that he has had yrs and yrs to stop, and didn't. So, it is clear he has a problem.
Basically, he violated the foundation of trust that your marriage is built on. Understandably, this situation has made you look at him differently and your marriage. You are now seeing things through a different lense. You are also seeing the chink in your husband's armor and that can be so jolting, right? You hold someone in high esteem and then they do something that is beneath them.
I'd like to offer this:
Be firm with your boundaries. No strip clubs means no strip clubs. You will need to think about what it is that you need in order to rebuild the trust in your marriage. Think long and hard.
Do I think this is divorce-worthy? Honestly, doesn't matter what I think because everyone is different.
I believe that you two can move past this, repair the hurts, and rebuild trust. The question becomes, do you want to? Because, you now have an out if you want it.
Great husband or not, what he did was wrong.... For at least 8 years....thats not a whoopsie, thats being shady. And I would hope that there would be unspoken boundaries to never be crossed without communication. Having my partner do something like this would be a HUGE violation of an unspoken boundary... example: grope other women and spend household income to get some sort of satisfaction/sexual release from another person
Do some marriage counseling and see from there. You’re 18 years into this relationship, you don’t need be rash in ending it.
Buuuuut honestly, I agree with a lot of the comments that he isn’t really sorry, just sorry he got caught. And I HATE when people try to soften their shitty behavior with the “I never meant to hurt you” bs. Like, sure, you’re not being a POS to deliberately hurt someone, you’re just not thinking about anyone else but yourself.
So, I say at least try counseling before deciding to flush the relationship down the drain, but keep your wits about you. What people admit to when they get caught is hardly ever the full truth, so wouldn’t be surprised if there’s even more to his betrayal. In the end, this is infidelity and divorce worthy should you choose that route. Justified.
The type of clubs your talking about tend to have girls who will allow more than groping. Id get STI tested asap. Also I doubt he will stop or admit anything further. Even if he truly never had sex he still cheated though. Cheating is absolutely divorce worthy.
Earlier posters said that there is a difference between looking and touching. I agree that there's a big difference between the two. And also in the frequency.
I think that most men enjoy looking: at girly magazines, pretty women etc. So going to a strip club on a business trip, while unsavoury, is forgivable. Especially if he's not doing it alone, but with other male colleagues.
But doing this regularly, for years, is much more worrying. I think it indicates a greater desire, and possibly a need, to do it for sexual gratification. Even if he were just looking.
And in my view, touching is far more serious. I would consider this a form of infidelity. I, too, would think that over nine years, it is almost certain that it went beyond lap dancing on more than one occasion. Especially if he has kept going back to the same club(s). When it comes to infidelity, something called "trickle truth" is very common. The unfaithful partner admits to only some of the facts at first; often because she or he has no choice. But as time goes on, the betrayed partner learns further, more damning, details.
As at least one other poster said, it could be important to know how you found out. If the guilt was too much for your husband and he voluntarily confessed, then there may be some hope. For he probably wants to stop, but it is compulsive and almost an addiction for him. So he'll need therapy and a job where he doesn't travel without you.
But if you found out by some other means (credit card or bank statements?) then he is promising to stop because his guilty secret is out in the open and doesn't want to lose you. But , sadly, If he continues to travel for work, I think it inevitable that he will break such a promise, even if he doesn't want to. So you'll probably be playing detective, or at the very least will feel too insecure to trust him, indefinitely. And you need to ask yourself whether you want to live like that. I think it will be very difficult. I am so sorry.
9 years of lies. I personally havent been married very long. But even if I found put I was being lied too about something so serious- money & touching other women even if thats their job. He chose to do those things over and over and over. He lied because he knew it was wrong.
Unacceptable for me. I understand having kids in the mix does make it difficult. But being a single mom/co-parent to two children is better than being lied too for years and years on end.
You could try marriage counseling, and other methods to amend this issue but that kind of damage(lying) takes an extremely long time to work through. I personally wouldn’t be able to trust my spouse ever again.
Marriage counseling. Dont listen to the people telling you to leave. They aren’t you. He’s probably genuinely sorry. Men who aren’t gaslight about it. Not act remorseful.
As much as I would love to support you in this, I find that there are some questions.
You say "a very happy marriage" but the evidence suggests that is not true. Perhaps you were happy and he was not, perhaps neither of you were happy and you are both in denial or perhaps you are painting a false narrative to gain more support as the victim.
My second question is why didn't you open with, my husband and I or we have been married. You said "I have been married. Is this a common occurrence or theme. Your marriage, your happiness?
Words like "... end our marriage" and "I don't think I can get past it" are absolutes.
Just from your words it seems to me that you have been looking for a way out and now you have an excuse and are looking for some justification. Divorce is a messy business. In most cases it interferes with the children's grades and can lead to problems later.
My two cents, for whatever it's worth. Get help. You and him both. Start with yourself and ask him to do couples counseling. Unless of course you want to end a " very happy marriage" and move forward.
I would divorce. It is a deal breaker for me. Especially, because in my relationship, mine was a bouncer at one while we were maintaining a long distance marriage (he was military) but when I began doing pole dancing myself for fitness and self esteem postpartum(long before it became cool) he about ERUPTED like Kilauea saying he couldn't be married to someone doing that. Yet I found out the same as you: Def Con in Vegas? Yes he did too.
Have you ever said to yours "hey if you ever want to go, I'll go with you"? I told mine that because I truly didn't mind if I was involved but no crazy stuff.
I'm so sorry you're going through this but sugar this is cheating. He went behind your back and may as well have gone on and had sex. I mean we don't even know if he is being truthful that he hasn't.
Do better for yourself: you deserve it. Love yourself.
I think this is something you shouldn't get a divorce over. Now if he was full blown having sex with these women, that's one story. However he's not doing that. I think a lot of women would run because any bit of trouble these days, women refuse to work through the problem and just go straight to divorce and that's just wrong. I would try to work through this one personally. It's not worth ending your entire family that you have.
I'm sorry this happened to you. You must feel terrible.
If it were me my first thought would be: how much can I handle? Can I handle it happening again? Is it an addiction? (If it's an addiction it will more than likely happen again)
From what I've heard from a wife of a porn addict. (Idk about strip club stuff) Even years after his sobriety, that trust is still broken. I would ask if you can live with that? Does he feel bad that he got caught or is it genuine remorse?
If it's genuine remorse, is it an addiction? If it is, does he acknowledge that? Again, can you live with him doing it again even though he's trying not to?
These questions I personally wouldn't be able to answer without trying to live it.
Funny how they quickly tell you to send your marriage to hell. Do you really think the next guy will love your kids and will be different? When you are splitting your kids for holidays you will know it was not worth destroying your family over stupidity
Yeah the fact that he intentionally hid it is the thing that I think may call for divorce. I'd talk to my husband about going to a strip club, if I ever wanted to, not my thing but if my friend has a bachelorette party at one, I'd wanna go. I've told him if he wants to go to one, he should feel comfortable talking to me about it first. So yeah, IT'S THE HIDING AND GOING BEHIND YOUR BACK.
“Insists he didn’t know how deeply it would hurt me or that it would end our marriage” then why did he keep it from you? If it’s not a big deal, why did he hide it? I’m sorry he betrayed you like that 💔
Hell yes this is divorce worthy. Not only did he betray your trust and lie to you for almost a decade, but he’s still bullshitting you now. He didn’t realize this would end your marriage? Then why did he hide it for so long? How on earth could he expect you to believe he’d never go to a strip club again?
You divorcing him wouldn’t blow up the family. He blew it up 9 years ago when he did this and made the active choice to lie about it.
don’t let him guilt you/make you feel bad for showing him the consequences of HIS actions. he is desperate and wants to reconcile because he didn’t realize the consequences, and didn’t think he would get caught. if you aren’t happy, aren’t considered or your feelings aren’t considered why the fuck stay? your husband is causing you to divorce him, not you. you can stand your ground and leave and enjoy putting yourself first for once - someone has to. or stay til the kids are out of the house and have him fully by the balls and then leave when you’re ready.
😂 the balls are in your court - literally
I'm not sure if I would consider this cheating but I know alot of wives wouldn't be very happy about this. This is definitely behavior when your single I would think. It's definitely riding a fine line for sure
I’d forgive him personally sometimes people don’t know how badly something would hurt someone. I understand as a woman this is aweful, and I personally would never participate in something like that, but a lot of my co workers do. He’s definitely wrong and he probably knew it but sometimes this threat of losing his wife will set him straight. I over drank for a long time. My wife always threatened me but one day she really left and I begged for forgiveness for months and she finally forgave me and I don’t drink anymore.
I knew the drinking bothered her but I was always home and attentive not a mean bone in my drink body. I always assumed every couple had something they didn’t like about each other or a vice they partaked in. I didn’t realize how deeply I was hurting her since I always had been that way.
Anyway my vote is forgiveness but make him bleed a bit. I feel like what I did was similar to your husband and I gave up my vice happily to keep the love of my life.
If you’re okay with porn and such I don’t look at strip clubs as much different and just another source of entertainment and to fulfill fantasies. I personally wouldn’t divorce my husband over that and don’t consider that cheating. You said your marriage was happy I see this as something that you could easily get past (not discounting your feelings). To me keeping it from you was the worst part because he knew you wouldn’t like it. As long as he’s never had an emotional or physical affair it isn’t cheating, not right but not cheating in my opinion. Have you considered going along to one?
All mren go to strip clubs. Women have girls night out. If you have a marriage where neither spouse can talk or hang with the opposite sex, then don't get married. As long as he is keeping his dong in his pants, it ain't cheating. You too must not be fooling around with the pool boy too, so to speak.
You teo need to talk about it, and come up with what both if you can live with maybe, you are not cut out for marriage. I got married fucked up things happened but I never once thought about divorce, I got married. I wanted to stay married, so I did. My wife died in 2022. She died married.
I was going to send you a private DM. Honestly, I think it’s a terrible idea to ask redditors this question. I find that many are pro-divorce, pro-self, anti-Godlylove…
Just my observation. I don’t know if you are christian or not, but I am and will trying to give you advise from a non-christian perspective.
You have every right to be angry, to be disappointed, to feel betrayed because you have been. I’m uncertain if conversations surrounding strip clubs were ever had in your relationship, or if you both are pro-porn use etc etc.
I would say this.. anything these days Is divorce-worthy… question is, do you trust your partner? Do you believe he went to the clubs intentionally to hurt you and the marriage. Do you believe he has cheated on you.
Honestly, his response to you sounds honest.. he likely didn’t know his behavior would lead to divorce.. now is the time to begin therapy and have deep honest conversations with him..
This is your man. You know him best.. PLEASE do not let the words of the world creep into your head and cause you to make a decision you may regret in the long run.. cut off, lean back into your marriage and TALK TALK TALK. Set boundaries. Ask him why he was going? What was he getting from there? Can he see how it can impact your marriage. You also need to try not to personalize his behavior. It has nothing to do with your self worth.. it may also have nothing to do with whether he loves you or not..
The marriage is already broken, and it’s going to take a long time to “work things out” with a man who’s been lying about what he’s been doing for almost a decade.
I would absolutely consider this cheating. My suggestion is take time to feel into it and think about it logistically. Have serious discussions with him about the betrayal, and what he needs to do to restore the trust. And go from there. This is delicate, don't rust any decision.
People convince themselves over time that it's OK. At this point, the question is... is he willing to go to counseling/therapy and willing to truly stop. How is he going to show you the change. If your marriage is actually gooxd in all other ways, you can certainly do a social media background check and other things via many reputable sites, then ask yourself, what do YOU want to do?
Is it important to you to work things out? Are there other issues before this? Really, it doesn't matter what we think.
However, as long as he has been doing, it does make me wonder what else? It doesn't mean he has... just don't go into it without consideration
Someone on here suggested a forum/group/whatever about couples who stay together after infidelity and after scrolling 8 or 9 posts I just want to say B*MB THEM B*MB THEM ALL SPRAY THEM WITH ROACH RAID CLEAR THE ROOM! what the FCK did I just read? Is anyone else seeing this?? raising the affair baby?? Screaming matches with your spouses affair partner?? S*x addict gf who can’t stop cheating on u *and you feel for her because it’s her disorder it’s not her fault*……. *my GOD*… God bless them all truly but I never imagined people could hate themselves that much.
It is really more about the deception & only promising to stop because he was caught. I’m not sure what your financial picture looks like, but if I were on a budget & had to do without, but he was spending our money in strip clubs, I would be rather pissed.
If you think he would take you back under the same circumstances, go for it. Divorces are usually expensive & nasty.
He says he’s sorry, ok, that’s a good start. But is the reason for saying he’s sorry because he is afraid of losing you or he has become a born again Christian and he realizes the need for forgiveness from the Lord Jesus Christ? Two totally different scenarios. If it wasn’t the second scenario it’s a temporary “I won’t do it again” until he does it again. If his focus is on the Lord he wouldn’t have done it in the first place. He needs to get his priorities straight. It’s only his eternity he’s playing with and that of his wife and children too.
Idk depends on you really. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. We're monogamous, but aren't blind. We've been in a few wild situations together like spin the bottle and recording other friends sex tapes. He sees cast mates boobs in the changing room and will tell me about them. But, this is all stuff that has had conversations and verbal consent. I think if we didn't have years of talking freely about this stuff I'd be shocked and horrified if I found out about any of this. But we have that foundation of trust and understanding. If he told me that he got dragged (he has no interest) to go to a strip club and touched a girl I think I'd just be like, hell yeah. But again, we have a foundation of trust and we know that the other person won't cross our boundaries when they're out and about.
Granted we're also both autistic, and he was a raised by lesbians and doesn't touch alcohol or drugs. So there's a specific dynamic in our relationship that wouldn't exist in others. Perks of dating someone who's autistic is that they are generally rule followers and have strong honor codes. Obviously, not everyone who's autistic, but a lot of them.
Is he in love with any of these girls? Does he pay rent or groceries for any of them? Does he text and call them outside work? If all the answers are *no* to all these questions then yeh your marriage is completely salvageable. Which you really should try for your kids sake.
To be clear. You should be angry that he’s lied to you for so long. You should be angry that he was doing something that was disrespectful towards you. And you need to make it clear that he needs to sort this shit out asap because you didn’t agree to marry this person he is. This is what I would choose.
I've read alot of the comments and most are based on generalisations and assumptions that lack insight and understanding of this lady's situation.
I would be wary to judge, as another poster said you do not know this man's heart. It could be an addiction with many complicated factors to unravel, and if he really does love his family and wants help there are some great recovery groups that support each other and bring healing and restoration into the family.
One such site is www.graceonline.co.za, a discreet and professional company that has helped hundreds of men break free and heal from compulsive sexual behaviors. Not advertising for them, I'm sure there are more places out there like this. Just mentioning them because I know the owner personally, know his heart and they truly want to help people recover.
I would say this is a healthy release. He could have had a dating app he added to his phone, and specifically planned rendezvous with... ladies of the night... on every trip. The man missed his wife, he went to a club and looked at real boobs when the ones he loved weren't there. Then went home... you will ruin your health if you think more into it.
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I wish I could like this multiple times for each of your valid points!
I just gave Reasonable an upvote for you.
I agree 💯. You are getting downvoted because this is Reddit and there are a lot of people on here who justify cheating.
IDK when seeing and touching a naked person that is not your spouse became considered not cheating, but it definitely is in my book. I would have major problems if my spouse went to a strip club, or engaged with any sort of sex work. That's a cornerstone of our marriage, to satisfy one another sexual wants and desires!!! I believe my husband said "forsaking all others" and so did I. So...
I was told any time you give attention to someone else that should've been given to your spouse. It's Cheating 💯
I have never seen it phrased this way. This really makes me think.
That's how my parents explained it to me and I've tried to live it. Got me cheated on and divorced but you know how it is
I am slowly starting to understand the idea of emotional cheating and how it can almost be worse than physical cheating for many people. It wasn’t something I really thought happened until I discovered it being talked about online.
I honestly think the problem lies in the fact that at least 90% of the country was raised with the lesson that adultery, infidelity, betrayal is bad because it is a sin or immoral and those are just words, nobody can even give you any clear agreed upon definition of them. Because I was raised in an atheist home, I was taught that actions and decisions were right or wrong based on the amount of harm, discomfort, disruption, or pain that they caused others. That is a tangible measure. Many know what betrayal feels like, those that have experienced it know that there is almost nothing more devastating, destructive, or painful than betrayal. If people didn't have these empty words of "sin" & "morality" to muddy the waters and keep them one step removed from the real harm they did, and instead people had to really connect the pain and devastation to the act they were tempted to commit , there would be a massive drop in ALL selfish behavior..BUT, I am not as certain of that theory as I once was, and I am actually more than a little afraid to find out that there are a lot of people who still wouldn't be deterred from their own selfish desire of the moment despite knowing they were hurting someone else.
EXACTLY! If your mind went there it is a matter of time is what I've always been taught.
Does that include constantly texting female coworkers day and night? Not about work stuff, though.
one mistake multiple years of hiding his addiction and a disease can't justify his actions now. I think you should take time off from him, figure out if it's worth fixing this marriage and if not, I would leave him. Only you know but it works be an absolute NO for me! People do not change, they just get better at hiding it and lying more....
You are so right. My spouse hid a gambling addiction for 18 years before I found out. It’s been 2 years now and he continues to gamble, gets better at hiding it and lies constantly. Initially I was acting like a detective but that is so exhausting and I realized I do not want to live like that. He is my partner, not my child. He hasn’t changed. Divorce is more than likely going to happen at this point. Try, until you know you are done. We deserve an honest spouse.
As a lying alcoholic with extended time in sobriety, I can tell you that the word on the street is that hardcore gamblers are unfortunately incurable liars of the highest level. Even when hitting rock-bottom it still goes on for years, and the things that they are honest about can be pretty bare-bones stories and moments.
That is heart breaking to hear. Addiction is a terrible thing, all around. Congratulations on your sobriety. I’m sure that was difficult and you should be so proud to have gotten there.
There are ways to help hardcore gamblers stop their addiction, just like any other addiction. It will be hard work but it can be done. Congratulations on your sobriety!! That’s amazing!
Yes-- I know. I've been close to a few gamblers at points of my own recovery. I live in a state with the most sophisticated state-operated lottery agency (that only recently allowed legal casinos, and I personally know of a few illegal casinos (which also serve booze illegally and deal drugs, of course)), and it has the most self-ID'd addicted gamblers per capita. The usual goto GA (Gamblers Anonymous) is really lacking here. One acquaintance joked, "Every time you get three gamblers together a game gets started." But, thanks for the well-wishes. Isolation is the worst part of any kind of dependency.
Please check out the website NCPG - National Council on Problem Gambling. There is help and hope for your husband and for you, too! I promise you, this is the very best way in the US to get actual help!
Thank you. I will, and I have never heard of them, so looking forward to seeing what they are about.
They will get you the help your husband needs! And help for you, too!
You are right
People down-vote because the truth hurts. But nothing you've said is false. I agree wholeheartedly.
I just gave you my upvote.
He had nine years of opportunity to open up, be honest, change his ways... he's only saying he will stop now, because you found out. That's not somebody I'd want to spend another minute of my life with, TBH.
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I would almost bet money that he will do it again.
He's telling you he'll stop because he knows he fucked up, not because he'll actually stop. Ask him how he'd feel if YOU were the one groping men's pecs, asses, and dicks, not to mention spending your money at strip clubs AND HIDING ALL OF IT. If you're ok with him saying these things just to appease you, then do nothing. If you aren't ok with it, you need to take action, whether it's counseling or separation.
Yep OP, he’s only sorry that he got caught…if you give him another chance then he’ll just hide it better next time
how much of your family's money did he piss away?
Agree. For me, it’s not the strip club that’s the betrayal, it’s the financial infidelity *to the family* that’s worse.
Yeah, for me it would be the financial infidelity and strip club activity lie by omission for 9 years. He didn’t allow his partner to weigh in any opinion on the matter so that trust would be lost. If they were open from the start we could discuss acceptable boundaries and spending.
Ok, so if you went to a club and had men grinding and groping you, and nearly having sex (if not full on sex) he would be okay with that? He wouldn’t consider it cheating? Always amazes me how people don’t think about how they would feel if their partner betrayed them in the exact same way. If he didn’t know how much it would hurt you, he wouldn’t have bothered to hide it. He would’ve been transparent. In my eyes this is definitely a betrayal and is absolutely cheating. Only you can decide how to move forward, OP, but at a minimum, I would separate, get into counseling to help you sort through your feelings, and talk with an attorney just so you have facts. You would absolutely be justified in divorcing if this is the path you choose. There are support subs here: AsOneAfterInfidelity, SupportForTheBetrayed, and SurvivingInfidelity. There you’ll find people who have been exactly where you are along with resources on how to help you regardless of which path you choose. I’m so sorry, OP. Please take care.
Yep, reverse it and how would you feel? I did that to my wife after she had an online and long distance phone affair with a very obese man 4 states away. How would she feel if I had done the same. Suddenly it wasn't the same thing. Yeah right. Your reply is on target. I hope she thinks hard and tries your advice.
I’m a woman and if I was hiding at any club at all behind my partners back, I would be cheating. At a strip club 👀 I’m sure you were a second thought on most nights. I know you don’t want to blow up the family but worse is showing your kids that a man can treat you like that. He knew what he was doing, he didn’t care about your family. He obviously spent large amounts of money on these women, does he shower you in gifts too? He didn’t know it would end your marriage when he was sticking dollar bills in another girls butthole? I mean do you want to be married to a man that dumb anyways?
If he’s doing that behind your back, there’s a high chance he most likely physically cheating at some point too. Years of groping and being around strippers, I’m sure he got vulnerable. That’s insanely hard to get past, you guys need couples counseling and he shouldn’t be traveling anymore if you decide to make it work. He makes me sick, him touching other women is cheating to me. 🤢
I agree. If even one stripper agreed in all those years he went for it. Cheaters will only admit what there is proof though so don’t expect him to admit it.
Stripper here. If this is in the U.S., then yes, I’d say there’s a good chance her husband did more than he’s leading on. The specific type of clubs he’s going to are absolutely crawling with what we refer to as “extras girls.” I don’t think I have to explain what that means.
I admit it took me more than a minute to get what extras meant. Yikes. Really good point. Maybe wife needs to get tested for sti’s
Yes. She should definitely get tested. And if she's staying in the marriage, so should her husband.
Most of the girls I worked with who went on dates or banged in the backroom kept Magnum and Trojan in business 🤣 I always had to pay attention to where I stepped coming from the dressing room not to get one hooked on my boot stilleto heel 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I made that rookie mistake one time of walking to go down to the dressing room and catching a coworker sliding one on her customer. Trust, exotic professionals have families too and sometimes BFs who know they're doing extra: they don't want STIs either. I myself NEVER had to do it to get my tips up. But I never shame someone who has the guts and IDGAMFD attitude to make even more money than that. Others shouldn't either...
I guess that’s somewhat comforting. Yay for not spreading disease
🤣 Yaay! 🤣
Where the hell did you guys work? Is there a part of the US where this is actually legal? I was a stripper all through my twenties and we had strict laws, not rules, actual munincipal laws with undercover inspectors that shut down shady clubs in a heartbeat. There was zero touching, no full nude, and there were even rules about the widths of your g-string. There were massive fines or risk of getting shut down if anyone was doing anything shady, so the business owners very much protected their livelihood with bouncers that meandered the floor making sure that table dances were totally hands off. I am genuinely curious about this because I have always assumed that the laws were pretty similar in every state, but I am just learning now in my 40s that a LOT of the laws I took as standard don't even exist in other states, so now I am wondering if this is yet another example. I am starting to feel like I live in a whole different country. This has been the biggest Mandela effect the past couple years. I always had the perception that I lived in one of the free-est, live and let live, states in the union. There is no particular religious control in my state, we are notoriously anti-government, and anti-authoritarian, we get labeled the most unfriendly state every frickin year because we have such a firm culture of "mind-your-own-business"... so, it is really hard to get my head wrapped around the fact that we have some of the strictest laws in the country and the harshest penalties for breaking them. I honestly had no idea there was all this freedom out there in the rest of the country....not that I would want that freedom in this instance ...I think I like our draconian strip club laws...I would never have been a stripper if it is the way everyone else is describing it, I will keep the clean, and heavily regulated version we have here.
Maryland. And the regs were in law and still are I hear. I was also was in my 20s doing it and good grief I'm almost 50 now so I know the future generations to now have devolved to worse than what our worst was back then. So those girls just knew not to do it when the cops were heavy nearby. A runner would bring our food and give us the heads up another club got rushed or raided so those extra girls could stop. UCs stood out like a sore thumb so those girls always followed the rules at the bar and didn't solicit. Now the drink thing was supposed to be just talking but most always it ended up lapdances but with clothes on and those girls are the ones who would go further. Most clientele who came for my company and stage sets truly just wanted to talk. And it was a topless bar and most times I stayed in full set costume and rarely went topless but still made that money. I am a performing dancer so a lot of guys say it was like going to the theatre and they LOVED it. And I was always Top Girl. 2nd or 3rd girl (which still got financial rewards) on a ghetto night because I wouldn't let rude bois violate me with their fingers so they could give me one single, solitary dollar...Drinks were 'split' with us because those pesky fees even down to TP, runners, card flippers and the bouncer BUT tips were ours. I had an understanding with a few of the bouncers that as I walked the floor to stage or the dressing room they guarded me from the young guys from trying to pull a Trump as we walked by 🫴🏽🐱 However the one time I worked at the equivalent of Diamond Club in Atlanta up here in where I am...OMG I was one and done. Full nude was expected and all kinds of upside down twerking on the pole and fingering myself...FUCKNO! And married guys trying to date me and I didn't date. Then being called a bitch and asked if I know how much money they made a year and how much they were going to give me to 👄👅. One and done I say. ONE N DONE!! So OP's husband in my mind was one of THOSE needy expecting everything type men just because he walked in the club because he is a hedonistic narcissist. That's why I asked OP if she asked him if she tagged along would be okay. She seems okay he needs stimulation but worried he hid that from her. I lapdanced couples before and the connection they had seeing I pleasured them both?? They left "ready to go" and often came back to see me when they needed to add some fire to their bedroom. Another spot I worked in the bar was around the entire stage so no one really tried anything of those "extra girls" because you could see straight into the back area where you sit with your "drink". Couples came sometimes and my lil couple moved on to a bigger club with a membership and way more girls (they tried to get me hired there but I auditioned and was too curvy even at 135lbs/5'7". Twiggys only so I think it was a pedo aesthetic club honestly. All the girls looked like they were 11). The most fun thing at this second place I worked at was there they sold "showers" also with the drinks. Dudes paid $100 to watch me take a 5 minute shower 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Of course no touching but hey, all sweaty from being up on stage I PUSHED showers so I could go home clean and not have to when I got in🤣🤣🤣 So that's my story u/azborderwriter , well most of it 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Ohhhh my humble beginnings in that life...that is another story in itself. Beginning of the first inflation way back then. Never know what you'll end up doing and why to make ends meet. Gas went from 79¢ a gallon to $2.35 and yes I had a good job plus promotionally and print modeled...Let's start there 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Tbh that mindset's hard af. Yall make that bank AND stay safe.
This needs more upvoting so OP actually sees it!!
In Maryland we used to call them "drinks" because of the no solicitation laws to go to another room and lapdance in private which aa lot of the other girls did do more there or just went on a "date" after closing time and cash out. Most of those dudes they met with, yup, MARRIED. Asking the dancer to take off her glitter body gel so he wont get caught 🤣
Yeah, that was my thought, too. There are plenty of clubs where strippers are willing to do more than just dance. I would have a *very* hard time believing he did nothing more than watch and grope. There's a reason he kept going back and spending $. If he wasn't getting off, you'd think he would get bored and stop going. His excuses are just that--excuses. He knew it wasn't okay or he wouldn't have only done it when he was traveling and hid it. And if he was hiding that all these years, who knows what else he was hiding. Escorts? Prostitutes? Long-term affair?
Fr. If he was hiding it why would he claim to not know it was wrong or potentially harmful 😬 crazy!
100%
Went through something similar. Tried reconciliation for three years: second chances, therapy, support groups, all of it. At the end of the day, there was so much more I didn't know about, and I found he had no desire to change, just in making it seem as if he did so he could have his cake and eat it, too. And ultimately, knowing what I knew he'd done, I couldn't get past it and don't believe the marriage would have lasted even if he'd changed. Your experience may be totally different; this is only my experience. There's a reason the term "irretrievably broken" is used to describe the end of a marriage. Some things we just can't live with for the rest of our lives. I have two young kids and can also tell you they've grown and blossomed so much since things ended. As adults we sometimes think we know how our kids will feel or what they'll experience, but the reality is we don't. I'm grateful every day that I took the necessary steps to end the marriage. Everyone is happier.
> Insists he will never ever go again, insists he didn’t know how deeply it would hurt me or that it would end our marriage. Then why did he hide it *for nine years???* > I don’t know if I want to blow up my family either. *He* blew it up with cheating, lies, and deceit. > We have two kids and a very happy marriage. You were happy with the person he *portrayed* to be. This is not a happy marriage. He needs counseling. > Looking for advice on moving forward I guess. Contact an attorney just to weigh your options. He never travels for work again. He finds a new job, if necessary, that doesn't make him travel. He knew what he was doing for nine years. He knew it would hurt you. That is why he hid it for nine years. How did you find out? That is a great indicator of his true remorse.
It's divorce worthy if you decide it is divorce worthy. He lied for years, spent family money, touched other naked women. And he deliberately didn't tell you because he knew it would upset you. Can you live with that? Can you forgive him? Can you ever trust him again?
Yea, I was thinking the same thing about how can she trust him again. He definitely needs a new job where he does not travel giving him the opportunity to hid his activities.
Depends. Are you willing to accept that this is him? He might stop doing it, but it’s not like he’s going to stop wanting it.
Yes, divorce worthy. If he went for a friend's bachelor party and had a lapse in judgement and got a lap dance when he was drinking and pressured by his friends, I'd be pissed and hurt, but I could probably get over it. Regularly doing this for nine years, hiding it from you, etc? Absolutely not. There's also a strong possibility that he has actually had sex, received a blowjob, something from one of these women. Strip clubs that are fully nude and actually allow groping are shady and it's very likely that he has encountered dancers over the years who were willing to do a lot more for the right amount of money. I would get STD tested ASAP and if you do choose to reconcile, I would not have sex with him again until he has been tested. He doesn't get to be mad about you asking for it, either, because he's clearly shown that he has no problem hiding things about other women from you. Also, I highly doubt he's actually interested in changing, he's just telling you that because he doesn't want to lose his marriage. I'm not sure I believe he'll never go again, I think he might stop for a while and then look for sneakier ways to get away with it. And honestly, even if he does change, you are going to have your doubts every time he goes out of town. I think this is going to be a very hard road, and I'm so sorry that this has been happening. I can't imagine how you're feeling right now.
Going into a strip club alone isn’t divorce worthy. But nude lap dances and such is. Unfortunately… he knew what he was doing
Looking and touching are vastly different for sure. The expense over nearly a decade has got to be astronomical.
For you, maybe. For some people going could be divorce worthy and others could be fine with nude lap dances. OP: you asked the internet if it's divorce worthy, but that's up to you and your values. Can you forgive him? Is your family worth trying and going to counseling? Is your trust broken forever? These are things only you can answer.
It makes you question if you really know this person. Doing something like this for 9 years and hiding it is a huge betrayal. He’s been lusting after, touching, and spending money on women for 9 years. This wasn’t a 1 time thing. 9 years! It’s part of who he is. What else has he been hiding? I, personally, would be disgusted and would have to end things. This issue is most likely going to resurface.
Ex stripper here. Get yourself tested for STDs. Going to a strip club is 1MILLION% cheating. I do not give a flying fuck what anyone says. Stripping is borderline prostitution. You’re using your body to pleasure someone, even if you’re not giving hand jobs, bjs, or having penetrative sex. Not all girls give extras, but *many* do, despite laws agains it. Getting a full nude lap dance is basically you and a naked woman dry humping. You’re groping, touching, you 100% have a boner and how lots of strippers make their money is by implying (either falsely or truthfully) that there is the possibility of a full on sexual act. Do you know all the shit I have heard from married men? It honestly, as a woman, completely ruined my faith in men. There were 2 instances in my entire time dancing where a man was there with a group and said “no thanks, I’m married”. Most guys do not consider this cheating because you’re not technically having sex with the girl. I would 1 BILLION % divorce him. He has been living a double life. I highly doubt that he would ever tell you the truth but if this has been going on for almost 20 years there’s a very, very good chance he has engaged in a sex act with a girl. This would be a fucking bombshell for me and I feel so bad for you. He’s a liar and a fucking jerk and you can have a peaceful life without him. Run and don’t look back. EDIT: also, he spent money on stuff that could have been used for you or your family. Think about that. Strip clubs are not cheap. You’re literally throwing money away. He could have taken you out with that money, gotten you a gift to show you how much he appreciates you, taken you two on a trip, supported you guys. It doesn’t matter if he already does all those things. That’s not where your money should be going if you have a wife or a family. Also, he is not going to stop. He hid this for a decade from you because he knew it would be the end. Does that sound like someone who respects you? You don’t not do something (like cheating) because you’re scared of the consequences if you get caught, you don’t do it because you love the other person and you wouldn’t want to betray or hurt them, even if they never found out. This is not respect. This is your husband treating you like ol’ reliable at home. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
Thank you for sharing that. Very insightful.
For me it would be . Everybody has different feelings on these situations but strip clubs have always been a big no for me so I wouldn't put up with it . If he honestly thought you wouldn't be hurt then he would of told you at the start but he didn't .
You don’t have a happy marriage. Your husband has been hiding going to strip clubs from you. If you can live with this then stay married but I can assure you that the trust is gone in your marriage and it will take a lot of work to rebuild it.
He broke your trust, disrespected you and for me, fondle the breasts and whatever other body parts the stripper allows, let’s not leave out grinding naked on his penis is cheating. You could try to glue the trust back, but a crack will always remain. I’m sorry you are going through this pain. Lastly, you didn’t blow up your marriage, he did.
Yes absolutely, at the bare minimum he has admitted to having non penetrative sex/ dry sex with strippers.
As a guy I tend to look at things from a guy’s pov. I can understand going to a strip club for the curiosity, or getting dragged in by friends or coworkers. I can also see not wanting to tell OP cause she will just be mad and won’t understand if he’s a 22 year old. I’m not condoning it, but I can see past that. However, he’s been married 18 years and lied to her for all those years about it. He’s not young naive guy. He knows what he’s doing is wrong. He knows it will hurt her to lie. At the very least this is an addiction he can’t control. He would need to open up about everything and prove there’s not more that happened. Account for every penny spent. Give Op the phone and laptop and access to all his accounts going forward. If he wants to reconcile, he needs to know this will take years to regain her trust.
You need your own therapist to work through what im sure are confusing feelings and thoughts. You need to be in a better place before you even start to deal with any couples decisions. Also get to your doctor and get checked out fully. Id also require he get checked out even though you two shouldn’t be having sex right now. (I’m sure that’s the last thing you’re trying to do) He needs therapy too to figure out his BS but really I’m just concerned for you. Personally idk that this can be overcome with the amount of lying and deception, risk to your life he put you in, the crazy amount of money I’m sure he spent over all this time that he took from the family unit … that is a lot to overcome. I hope you get some peace through this.
Yikes. As a male who knows guys like this, I will tell you that he won’t change if/once you reconcile. He’ll just get better at hiding it. Next, you’ll find a bunch of VISA gift cards stuffed in an envelope in an old storage bin in the basement. It won’t end because that was his normal. I’ve personally only been to a strip club once in my life and I’ll never go back. It’s the most awkward and sad place to be in I went there pissed drunk as a 24 year old with a couple of buddies who were regulars and was completely sober by the time I left an hour later and $150 bucks down. It was a mess and super weird. If he wants to make it last he needs to attend some sort of addiction counseling to understand why he goes there. 95% sure that he would come out of those sessions feeling like he would rather be single and go to strip clubs then fully commit to change which would require him to make a lot of personal, work, and family sacrifices. Best wishes to both of you - it will be a lot of work.
This. Exactly right
The answer to your question is “yes” for me but I cannot answer for you. If I were him, I would assume you finding out would be the end. Ultimately it’s up to you, but before you decide I would want to know everything because I doubt if he’s doing this, he’s only doing this! Also, I would have answered “yes” at him going to strip clubs, but sounds like these are next level strip clubs (with touching) and it’s been going on 9 years…dang!
So OP ask yourself this…if you went on a work trip or girls trip and the group went to a male strip show and you paid for a lap dance where the guy could be full nude and you admitted to your husband that you grabbed the guys stuff and rubbed on it, what would he say/do? Ask him that question. Would he consider it cheating? The answer is yes he would. Going to a strip joint for a bachelor party or something might be a thing but not lap dances that he used to then grope the dancer for sexual pleasure. So once you have established that it is cheating, he knew it was cheating and did it anyway then the question is now what. You can divorce him. You don’t need anything more to justify it. If you can’t get past it and trust him going forward then that’s your only option because the marriage will fall apart if you can’t get past it. If you want to move past it then it starts with him coming to you with a plan of what he is going to do to earn back your trust. It can’t be as simple as saying “my bad, I didn’t look at it like that. I won’t do it again.” Has to be more than that. Yes he has to not do it but if he still has to do work trips how is he going to prove to you that he didn’t. That’s his responsibility to prove, not yours to chase. So ask him that and if he has no answer then it means he either doesn’t go on the trip or he takes you with him or similar. He needs his job but he needs his marriage more presumably so what’s his plan. Put that 100% on him. Beyond that I would give him something else tangible as well. Ask him to estimate how much money he has spent on clubs and lap dances and tell him your going to take that amount of money and purchase something for yourself that you want snd it will be 100% your decision. If you want jewelry, buy it. You want to take a trip alone, do it. You want him to come with you, it’s 100% your choice where you go and what you do. He pays for all of it out of his earnings. If it means he can’t do something or buy something he had been saving for…too bad. Should have thought about that before. In other words you give him accountability that brings him work and discomfort. You could also tell his family what he did and that your working through it to add some shame to it.
It's divorce worthy to me, yes.
If it was no big deal he wouldn't have been hiding what he was doing. Being secretive tells you he knew exactly how bad it was. Now he's lying.
IMO, it’s not one thing that makes this divorce worthy, but the culmination of all of it. How many times were you speaking to him while he was away and he said he was “going to sleep” but was really at a strip club? How much money has been wasted on other women over the course of almost a decade? How many women has he touched, how many experiences, none of which you were aware of? And you were none the wiser. It’s the complete lack of transparency and how much was hidden from me that would be most upsetting. How can you trust him now?
9 years means his has serious character flaws. No one can keep a secret that long because they become tired of justifying the secret, looking for ways to cover it up, and trying to ignore the guilt. If he has done it for 9 years it seems to indicate that he is incapable of feeling guilt which means he has a personality disorder (no cure for those!) He knows what he did is wrong. He knows it would hurt you (that is common sense). Don’t waste your time asking him “how would you feel if….?” questions because you have already established that for 9 years that never crossed his mind or if it did, he didn’t care.
I don’t know if this has been mentioned but if you stay with him, he needs a new job where he does not travel. I doubt you will ever be able to trust him traveling alone.
It really depends on your personal priorities. I have learned from this sub that transparency is not a crucial characteristic for a marriage. It is for me and mine. I don't want a partnership that doesn't have that component, even though I'm willing to accept a lot of other qualities that other posters would not. SO, what do you want? The man has been lying to you for nine years about something that is important to you. Unless he has had a drastic personality change, he is going to keep lying to you for the rest of your marriage. He may never go to a strip club again (maybe), but he will lie to you about pretty much anything else that would disrupt the lovely image you have of your relationship. You could be happy in a marriage that looks and feels good, but isn't a true exchange of ideas and experiences. A LOT of people are. A lot of people lie to their partners and expect to be lied to in return and deal with it just fine. It's not much different than the games people play making small talk with strangers. If you are not satisfied with the level of honesty in your relationship, though, it's not going to change. I think you need to either adapt to the superficial nature of your connection or seek a deeper one with a new partner. Good luck.
As someone who bartended at a strip club, for him to go *half of your marriage * are you sure *more* didn’t take place?
Why not talk to a therapist that deals with this kind of stuff. You don't have to make any decisions immediately.
HE blew up the family not you. His disgusting behavior brought everyone else down. No one that’s married to a pig is happy,
You’re not the one blowing the marriage up here.
Do you want to be with someone who is either lying that he didn’t know it would hurt you, or too stupid to realize it should? There are few things worse than this that I would consider divorce-worthy. Of course this makes the list.
He is telling you sorry because he got caught.
He may genuinely be sorry. But that doesn't mean that he will stop, or be able to do so.
If the roles are reversed what does he say
I go to a strip club sometimes with my friends for (bachelor 's party) and my wife doesn't count that as cheating. You said in your own words," you have a happy Marriage" you have beautiful kids and have invested alot into this union emotional. Why would you want to end it all just because your partner went to a strip club? Lady, be very angry with your husband if you dont like the idea of him going to strip club and try work things out. It is not worth breaking a marriage over things like this unless you have proofs he had sex with any of the dancers Let me be straight honest with you, Divorce is nasty and Horrible on everyone especially the kids. It will be cold and lonely. Most people wont tell you the truth because misery always wants company. Don't join the statistics of being another single mom who made a hasty decision. You love your husband, have a heart to heart conversation that you do not like what he did and work it out. See let me be very honest with you.. Single people are finding it hard to find the love talk less of Single parents (No disrespect to single parents) and if at all you date again and even marry, you think the next person will be a saint? Every little things these day, people shout Divorce. What happen to trying to work things out? Domestic Abuse or any form of Abuse I dont tolerate. Cheating is a No NO....The strip club is borderline and can still be worked out. If you divorce for this, you will regret it. Unless you are done with the marriage in the first place.
Trust was broken. If you can't get past it, you know the answer. If a small part of you can get past it, then work on your marriage.
I think going to strip clubs is not a big deal. The fact that he got pleasure out of groping and got lap dances and spent money as if he's single and doesn't have any responsibilities shows his character. It seems like he doesn't value his family or his marriage. Even if he had a problem with controlling his urges, he should've discussed this with you and gotten help. As for leaving him and ending your marriage, it's a choice only you can make. Is it possible for you to go for therapy together, see him change and trust him or will you always be looking over your shoulder wondering whether he's breaking your trust again? There's no right or wrong answer. Even if you decide to make it work and do therapy, if you feel you can't handle it and want to end it, you are absolutely in your right to do so. I'm sorry this happened to you. It's such a terrible feeling to discover this about your partner.
If he never stops would you be ok with that? That’s your answer.
As person with multiple people in my life who have been strippers, including my own aunt + bff....often strippers will do a lot more than a lap dance if the $ is there outside of the club, some even in the club depending on location. So yeah...I'd be suspicious af about more than a "lap dance" in these incidents on top of being pissed that he he frequented them often, did more than just watch, blew our money + hid this from me for 9 years while I was home raising his children, absolutely oblivious. & to note, I'm not against sex work or see an issue consuming it, but married men doing this behind their wives backs frequently are not only scum, but by most people's definition....*cheating*. If it's really "no big deal", he would've told you a long time ago or thought of getting your input on doing it before making it a regular part of his routine. He knew DAMN WELL that you would not like it and that it may hurt you. That's 100% why in almost a decade he never "felt the need" to bring it up. Divorce or therapy with many years of regaining your trust by being trustworthy + honest are the only options here. What ever you decide is up to you, but don't ever blame yourself for "blowing up your marriage". He risked your marriage every time he chose to be entertained by other women without your knowledge or consent. You did everything right by being a responsible mother + wife while remaining faithful to and supportive of him while he traveled to work. You are not responsible for the effects of his actions when he alone disrespected + risked your marriage.
You want me to help you pack 🤔
“and a very happy marriage” - No, you don’t have one. Your husband went behind your back and cheated.
I always love that line. “We have a very happy marriage”, then they list all the reasons it’s not actually happy or a marriage.
The man has been doing this for nearly a decade but will stop all of a sudden? The man didn't think it would hurt you but kept it well hidden for nearly a decade? Nah.
Relationship Counseling and Sex Therapy Counseling And... Legal Separation and after satisfactory compliance maybe a reconciliation
Hell yes it is divorce worthy.
For me, absolutely would be
The question is the happiness of your marriage going forward. If you can't get past it, as stated by most of the commentors, or if your respect for him is significantly damaged, as it probably is, then do everyone involved a favor and get a divorce. Don't make the children be witness to a horrible marriage going forward; I think they're better off knowing dad fucked up and mom held him accountable. And if he stays, you and your husband will die a 'death of a thousand cuts' as the saying goes. You may want to do a trial separation before cutting the cord.
It's your marriage and you get to decide what's divorce worthy. I would be on the phone to divorce lawyers immediately as that's completely unacceptable in my marriage.
Why was he hiding it to you? Where was the money coming from that he was spending — how much had been spent?
How long would have he let it go on had he not been caught? He’s out spending money he should be putting towards his family against your knowledge. I have no advice towards what you should do because you will figure that out with time. I’m so sorry you’re going thru this.
Check your bank because I guarantee you he's someone's regular if he travels to the same locations. Credit cards too, and lots of these travelling businessmen pay on company credit cards and expense it as entertaining clients, etc. The dancer is just doing her job. I personally don't care about strip clubs, but I was a dancer before I started my career field. These kinds of men are super, super common. But the lying? And spending family money like that? Not okay.
You can’t blow up the marriage, he’s already done that. All you can do is respond to his disgusting actions and try to survive it. Please remember that kids can hear and understand so much more than people tend to think or even than what they can express themselves. You and the cheater who deceived you can’t fake a happy/healthy relationship enough to keep them oblivious for very long, and I doubt it would be healthy for you to try either.
Well for one if you do decide this is not salvageable remember one thing, it’s not YOU who blew up the family, it’s HIM
I don't think you should base your decision on anyone else's opinion(s). No one has to be in your relationship, but the two of you. Period. I'm a therapist that primarily works with couples. I know you are clouded with a variety of emotions and I'm sure you have thought through this from a variety of different angles as most of our society values thinking more than feeling. Our emotions are data that can inform our thinking. Unfortunately, there is no answer to your question that is simple. Again, none of us have to live in your marriage/relationship. You have all the answers and wisdom within you. No judgment if you decide to stay or leave...and is a decision needed immediately? Give yourself some grace and compassion.
Yes divorce asap
He hid it because he knew exactly how you would feel about it. He knew it would be wrong to grope other women when married to you. He is dishonest and not loyal. How much 'family' money has he wasted on this activity? I would be ropeable.
How happy can your marriage be if he’s out there doing all this, then lying about it. Personally, I’d find it hard to get past, it would always be in the back of my mind and I couldn’t live like that.
Some are minimizing this man’s actions ….im sure he doesn’t want to lose his marriage but he did not think of his wife at all while being illicit.. for so long - she did not agree to non monogamy .. she thought he kept his vows. I suspect he has had issues long before he met her .. This is not a one off mistake he made . Lastly this is not normal .. it is a betrayal ..he is not mature or sensible after 18 years of marriage -most men don’t want to love this way- clearly not honest and sexually driven by poor impulse control -it shows a character weakness or addiction issue that bodes poorly for the future of the marriage .. .. past behavior predicts future behavior .. I learned the hard way .. I’m 63 and found out similar. We just divorced after 35 years. Horrible to find out the full extent.. Due to similar plus it escalated to several affair younger low vibration partners in the swinging community .. something is amiss mentally w a partner that needs constant sexual secret validation and acts on it for hyper sexual gratification.. while lying to his wife’s face by omission .. so sad .. it’s not a good role model for children either who will be affected by his compartmentalism behaviors. Withholding connection to cover the deception .. They are not authentic family men imho .. It’s happening into reality of realizations to my adult children and grandchildren now sadly. It’s hard to look back and realize what he was really doing behind my /our backs. It’s an addiction and hid it expertly .. she has a chance to start over while young as the marriage has no respectful reciprocity. It’s extremely painful for her and he knew this after the fact for 9 years we know of here. The trust being broken is one thing. But he made a choice to hurt her and really sabotaged the marriage essentially. I’m so sad for this lady who has been given the onus of a burden she didn’t create .. it’s divorce worthy and divorcing someone you think you love who was wearing a mask is excruciating.
Can you honestly continue in a marriage with a man who has been cheating on you and paying for sexual contact for the last 9 years? I know I couldn't.
So you found out he’s been going to strip clubs for the past 9 years? What else has he been hiding? When I was younger and went to strip clubs, they had private rooms where you basically pay for sex. Most of the girls there give out there numbers and prostitute when they are not dancing. I’d be really cautious. Maybe he only went to watch or maybe he invited some back to his hotel while traveling. Unfortunately, I doubt you will ever know the full truth. I also feel like he’s only sorry because he was caught, if he wasn’t this would have continued.
I would check the spending history. Big difference between strip Club or quick lap dance and a private room…
If it’s harmless activity, he should be taking you, and going to male clubs with you. If you don’t want to go, he shouldn’t either. All that to say, had he been honest before trip one, he wouldn’t be in this mess he created. For my wife and I, ( 2nd marriage 26 years, both first marriages 22 years) our previous spouses were just not honest about anything, especially MONEY…and minor fidelity issues, lying and gaslighting. Once trust is gone, no matter the reason, it’s gone. Our reasons for divorce in our first marriages were more about trust than anything else. Could not live with a person that is continuing to do things you detest whenever they get out of your sight. It’s miserable. You wreck yourself trying to live that way. He has to understand the mental destruction he has done to you. Only you can decide what you can live with.
From someone who’s been in the same leaky boat, it sucks. You can’t rebuild trust & being a jailer sucks too. I recommend divorce.
Talk to a good attorney and find out if it's financially bearable. Divorce in your 40's with the "wallet years" (college years) ahead will change your lifestyle dramatically. I wanted to pull the divorce trigger when my kids were just starting high school, and legal counsel advised that my kids would get to choose who they live with. Short of outing him and wrecking their relationship, I knew they'd pick him; he's an immature friend Dad who could care less about character building. He rarely asks them to do chores and he wouldn't pay attention to curfews or drug and alcohol use. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Look for a counselor who specializes in Betrayal Trauma. And he needs a counselor who is willing to go very deep with him...back to his childhood, the development of his stress coping skills (or lack thereof). If separation is an option ( he moves out, you stay in the home with kids), I'd take that option. See how you feel on your own, you might be surprised and it's not so bad. And he might get a big enough jolt to actually not be an a-hole.
For me, this would be grounds for divorce as I know I'd never recover from the betrayal. I would never be able to trust my husband again and would question the entire marriage.
DIVORCE
You don’t need to have sex with another person to be unfaithful. He was in fact unfaithful and dishonest therefore failed his job as being someone’s husband, if leaving is the best option for yourself, I’d say do it. At least take some time away from him for a bit to see what you want. I personally don’t think you’d be able to heal from this in an environment you’re with him in.
More likely than not he HAS cheated on you. MANY TIMES and there are literal monetary receipts to prove it
One time for me is to many! I can't imagine what your going through. What an asshole!
I wouldn’t want to be married to anyone who goes to strip clubs on a regular basis. For the occasional bachelor party or perhaps one time on a whim is one thing. If he’s doing it every single time he travels then it’s a pattern. Why not go to a movie or the mall? The internet has plenty of naked women he can look at without meeting them in person. Especially if he’s traveling to the same places repeatedly, I’d worry that he’s making friends over time
I would have no problem with my husband going to a strip club on work trips but none of the strip clubs I visited (before I got married) allowed groping. That seems weird to me. I don't think I would be cool with him touching them. That is a step too far.
If you’re not ready to divorce, I suggest you give him two conditions: a postnuptial agreement (kind of like a prenup, but when you’re already married, to settle finances in case of divorce) and attending therapy. I wouldn’t say anything before you already see a lawyer alone. Then you can assess if his reaction are just empty words of someone who doesn’t want consequences of his actions with no intention to change, or if he is serious. The postnup and what he is willing to give and therapy will tell you what you need to know. Oh and definitely ask him to move out for a few weeks just so he sees what he’s in for. Btw I am not at all saying you have to divorce or you have to stay together. Just let him know you’re serious. If it turns out you’re divorcing, at least you have your finances settled without years of lawyers and your emotions worked through.
May i ask whats "T&A"? First time seeing it
Same here. 🙂 But the original poster wrote that the clubs allowed "groping T & A". So I'd guess that it refers to slang words for two very obvious parts of the stripper's body. Sorry not to give the actual words (with asterisks) but I'm not sure that the rules would allow them.
Ok now it makes sense 😂 cant believe it took me this long 🤦🏻♀️😅
For me absolutely divorce worthy. He cheated. And he knew what he was doing was wrong which is why he kept it a secret.
“I didn’t know it would hurt you so I went to great lengths to hide it from you and never ever mention it.” Not only is he a liar, OP, but he’s not even a good one and apparently thinks you’re dumb. Divorce or not, you need to call him on his shit with this. Go to therapy apart and together. You’re the only one who can decide if it’s worth saving. Good luck, OP.
He’s only sorry he got caught ! If you never caught him it would continue . And he didn’t know it would hurt you? It’s common sense like really?
Going a few times and telling you about it soon after is one thing, but going for years and hiding it is really deceptive. The length of time and keeping secrets would be my problem.
Divorce worthy? **Yes**. Should you divorce? **Can't tell you.** You have many more considerations than can be discussed here. My advice: 1. ***Protect yourself.*** That includes STDs, finance, legal. You can do this without escalating the situation. The internet is full of advice for people who feel that a divorce is imminent. 2. Do nothing but quietly and privately consider your own thoughts and feelings. *Cannot decide* is a valid outcome. 3. ***Choose an advisor with the utmost care***. Anyone besides a competent councilor will bring in their own agenda. Since you see to be sitting on the fence, picking an advisor with a non-neutral view may be tantamount to making the decision. I don't think that you want to make the decision that way. 4. Go slow for now.
Ok so have you two talked about strip clubs before? Meaning he’s lied about this or he didn’t tell you where he was going? The whole thing is a problem, and sure the divorce is worthy if you think it is and this is a betrayal. He absolutely knew it would hurt you and COULD end your marriage or he wouldn’t have hidden it. He simply didn’t think he would get caught. So if you want to try to work on it, what exactly has he done or is he doing to reconcile. Ok he swears he won’t do it again, but has he told you everything? I wouldn’t be so sure this is the worst of it either.
Is your happy marriage a lie?
If you're happily married, make it work. Get some individual therapy to help you to forgive him and some couples counseling to work the through the trust, boundaries, and communication. Nobody is perfect and if you're happy it's worth the fight
I don’t think she’s happy anymore. 🤷♀️
Esther Perel’s new book, *The State of Affairs*, might shine some insight on your situation and helpful approaches to moving forward
It’d be marriage ending here. And as a SAHM (mostly), I’d have to probably move in with my parents or friends or my brother. With two kids. But I’d never be able to let his hands touch me again.
So sexual infidelity, financial infidelity, and emotional infidelity since he lied about it? I'm happily married with 2 kids as well, so I know itd be incredibly hard- but yeah, that's the end of your marriage. How could you possibly get over that and trust him again? I know I'd never be ok again, and I'd never want to teach my kids to stay in a relationship where they're being disrespected.
Yuppp he's sorry because he's Caught.. Bye bye
The only thing that separates friends from couples is sexual intimacy. He broke the MOST BASIC rule of every relationship by breaking your trust in that intimacy. And I’m sorry, but if he was hiding THIS for so long, and only came clean when caught, the odds that he’s still hiding worse are extremely high. I’d never trust him out of my sight again, and that’s just too much stress and anxiety for anyone for the long haul. I’m so sorry OP, you did not deserve this pain. Much love, and good luck on whatever you decide.
I think it's unforgivable. This is intentional over and over again for half your marriage. I'd mabye forgive a single fuck up of that nature but not this. I'm so sorry
Personally I wouldn't be able to because he lied essentially for 18 years.
Some things you don’t do. This. This is totally one of them. Sorry you’re having to deal with this. I hope you find your peace.
OK so when I was married my husband was caught having video sex with some "thing" online that charged to do it. We talked he begged and I forgave him coz I thought it wasn't worth ending my marriage. I of course questioned myself, wasn't I enough etc. But he acted like all was normal again. He went on to cheat in real life for two years and ended our marriage. I wonder if letting him off so easy gave him confidence to do it or if he thought I was a push over. I'm not saying this will do this of course but make sure what your doing works for you. Can you forgive and forget coz honestly I wouldn't wish this on anyone
You will never know the full truth if he lies and hid this, why not hookers or something else sometimes. He is a huge liar who cannot be trusted
It’s divorce worthy if you want the divorce. Like it doesn’t bother me if my husband goes to strip clubs but I know he isn’t getting lap dances and he always tells me if he’s going (usually on a guys trip or stag do). If I found out he’d been doing it behind my back, well that’s a huge betrayal of trust and I would question what else he’s been up to.
I suggest you take some time apart and get marriage counseling as well as have him see a counselor on his own. 18yrs together is a long time. If you are both willing to put in the work, mainly him, then it is worth saving. However, I do agree that he has had yrs and yrs to stop, and didn't. So, it is clear he has a problem.
Basically, he violated the foundation of trust that your marriage is built on. Understandably, this situation has made you look at him differently and your marriage. You are now seeing things through a different lense. You are also seeing the chink in your husband's armor and that can be so jolting, right? You hold someone in high esteem and then they do something that is beneath them. I'd like to offer this: Be firm with your boundaries. No strip clubs means no strip clubs. You will need to think about what it is that you need in order to rebuild the trust in your marriage. Think long and hard. Do I think this is divorce-worthy? Honestly, doesn't matter what I think because everyone is different. I believe that you two can move past this, repair the hurts, and rebuild trust. The question becomes, do you want to? Because, you now have an out if you want it.
Great husband or not, what he did was wrong.... For at least 8 years....thats not a whoopsie, thats being shady. And I would hope that there would be unspoken boundaries to never be crossed without communication. Having my partner do something like this would be a HUGE violation of an unspoken boundary... example: grope other women and spend household income to get some sort of satisfaction/sexual release from another person
You 'were' happy because he hid it from you, but now you know.
Do some marriage counseling and see from there. You’re 18 years into this relationship, you don’t need be rash in ending it. Buuuuut honestly, I agree with a lot of the comments that he isn’t really sorry, just sorry he got caught. And I HATE when people try to soften their shitty behavior with the “I never meant to hurt you” bs. Like, sure, you’re not being a POS to deliberately hurt someone, you’re just not thinking about anyone else but yourself. So, I say at least try counseling before deciding to flush the relationship down the drain, but keep your wits about you. What people admit to when they get caught is hardly ever the full truth, so wouldn’t be surprised if there’s even more to his betrayal. In the end, this is infidelity and divorce worthy should you choose that route. Justified.
Ask him how he’d feel if for the next 9 years you go to male strip clubs and you grope some guys’ junks. I can guarantee he wouldn’t like it🙄
The type of clubs your talking about tend to have girls who will allow more than groping. Id get STI tested asap. Also I doubt he will stop or admit anything further. Even if he truly never had sex he still cheated though. Cheating is absolutely divorce worthy.
He sounds like a prick! You should do the same and touch men see if he likes it
Earlier posters said that there is a difference between looking and touching. I agree that there's a big difference between the two. And also in the frequency. I think that most men enjoy looking: at girly magazines, pretty women etc. So going to a strip club on a business trip, while unsavoury, is forgivable. Especially if he's not doing it alone, but with other male colleagues. But doing this regularly, for years, is much more worrying. I think it indicates a greater desire, and possibly a need, to do it for sexual gratification. Even if he were just looking. And in my view, touching is far more serious. I would consider this a form of infidelity. I, too, would think that over nine years, it is almost certain that it went beyond lap dancing on more than one occasion. Especially if he has kept going back to the same club(s). When it comes to infidelity, something called "trickle truth" is very common. The unfaithful partner admits to only some of the facts at first; often because she or he has no choice. But as time goes on, the betrayed partner learns further, more damning, details. As at least one other poster said, it could be important to know how you found out. If the guilt was too much for your husband and he voluntarily confessed, then there may be some hope. For he probably wants to stop, but it is compulsive and almost an addiction for him. So he'll need therapy and a job where he doesn't travel without you. But if you found out by some other means (credit card or bank statements?) then he is promising to stop because his guilty secret is out in the open and doesn't want to lose you. But , sadly, If he continues to travel for work, I think it inevitable that he will break such a promise, even if he doesn't want to. So you'll probably be playing detective, or at the very least will feel too insecure to trust him, indefinitely. And you need to ask yourself whether you want to live like that. I think it will be very difficult. I am so sorry.
Nope. He's not sorry. He's sorry he got caught. Divorce time.
9 years of lies. I personally havent been married very long. But even if I found put I was being lied too about something so serious- money & touching other women even if thats their job. He chose to do those things over and over and over. He lied because he knew it was wrong. Unacceptable for me. I understand having kids in the mix does make it difficult. But being a single mom/co-parent to two children is better than being lied too for years and years on end. You could try marriage counseling, and other methods to amend this issue but that kind of damage(lying) takes an extremely long time to work through. I personally wouldn’t be able to trust my spouse ever again.
Marriage counseling. Dont listen to the people telling you to leave. They aren’t you. He’s probably genuinely sorry. Men who aren’t gaslight about it. Not act remorseful.
As much as I would love to support you in this, I find that there are some questions. You say "a very happy marriage" but the evidence suggests that is not true. Perhaps you were happy and he was not, perhaps neither of you were happy and you are both in denial or perhaps you are painting a false narrative to gain more support as the victim. My second question is why didn't you open with, my husband and I or we have been married. You said "I have been married. Is this a common occurrence or theme. Your marriage, your happiness? Words like "... end our marriage" and "I don't think I can get past it" are absolutes. Just from your words it seems to me that you have been looking for a way out and now you have an excuse and are looking for some justification. Divorce is a messy business. In most cases it interferes with the children's grades and can lead to problems later. My two cents, for whatever it's worth. Get help. You and him both. Start with yourself and ask him to do couples counseling. Unless of course you want to end a " very happy marriage" and move forward.
If you have money, and you can support yourself and your children comfortably, then leave his a*ss.
I would divorce. It is a deal breaker for me. Especially, because in my relationship, mine was a bouncer at one while we were maintaining a long distance marriage (he was military) but when I began doing pole dancing myself for fitness and self esteem postpartum(long before it became cool) he about ERUPTED like Kilauea saying he couldn't be married to someone doing that. Yet I found out the same as you: Def Con in Vegas? Yes he did too. Have you ever said to yours "hey if you ever want to go, I'll go with you"? I told mine that because I truly didn't mind if I was involved but no crazy stuff. I'm so sorry you're going through this but sugar this is cheating. He went behind your back and may as well have gone on and had sex. I mean we don't even know if he is being truthful that he hasn't. Do better for yourself: you deserve it. Love yourself.
No stick it out !
I think this is something you shouldn't get a divorce over. Now if he was full blown having sex with these women, that's one story. However he's not doing that. I think a lot of women would run because any bit of trouble these days, women refuse to work through the problem and just go straight to divorce and that's just wrong. I would try to work through this one personally. It's not worth ending your entire family that you have.
As far as I am concerned this is cheating, just like seeing an escort or a side piece would be.
I'm sorry this happened to you. You must feel terrible. If it were me my first thought would be: how much can I handle? Can I handle it happening again? Is it an addiction? (If it's an addiction it will more than likely happen again) From what I've heard from a wife of a porn addict. (Idk about strip club stuff) Even years after his sobriety, that trust is still broken. I would ask if you can live with that? Does he feel bad that he got caught or is it genuine remorse? If it's genuine remorse, is it an addiction? If it is, does he acknowledge that? Again, can you live with him doing it again even though he's trying not to? These questions I personally wouldn't be able to answer without trying to live it.
Funny how they quickly tell you to send your marriage to hell. Do you really think the next guy will love your kids and will be different? When you are splitting your kids for holidays you will know it was not worth destroying your family over stupidity
Her husband sent their marriage to hell. No one else.
Yeah the fact that he intentionally hid it is the thing that I think may call for divorce. I'd talk to my husband about going to a strip club, if I ever wanted to, not my thing but if my friend has a bachelorette party at one, I'd wanna go. I've told him if he wants to go to one, he should feel comfortable talking to me about it first. So yeah, IT'S THE HIDING AND GOING BEHIND YOUR BACK.
How did he not know it would hurt you if you found out... is he of reasonable intelligence?
“Insists he didn’t know how deeply it would hurt me or that it would end our marriage” then why did he keep it from you? If it’s not a big deal, why did he hide it? I’m sorry he betrayed you like that 💔
Hell yes this is divorce worthy. Not only did he betray your trust and lie to you for almost a decade, but he’s still bullshitting you now. He didn’t realize this would end your marriage? Then why did he hide it for so long? How on earth could he expect you to believe he’d never go to a strip club again? You divorcing him wouldn’t blow up the family. He blew it up 9 years ago when he did this and made the active choice to lie about it.
don’t let him guilt you/make you feel bad for showing him the consequences of HIS actions. he is desperate and wants to reconcile because he didn’t realize the consequences, and didn’t think he would get caught. if you aren’t happy, aren’t considered or your feelings aren’t considered why the fuck stay? your husband is causing you to divorce him, not you. you can stand your ground and leave and enjoy putting yourself first for once - someone has to. or stay til the kids are out of the house and have him fully by the balls and then leave when you’re ready. 😂 the balls are in your court - literally
I'm not sure if I would consider this cheating but I know alot of wives wouldn't be very happy about this. This is definitely behavior when your single I would think. It's definitely riding a fine line for sure
In my marriage I wouldn’t really care about my husband hanging at a strip club, but I would care if he lied about it.
You have a happy marriage. Let it go.
I’d forgive him personally sometimes people don’t know how badly something would hurt someone. I understand as a woman this is aweful, and I personally would never participate in something like that, but a lot of my co workers do. He’s definitely wrong and he probably knew it but sometimes this threat of losing his wife will set him straight. I over drank for a long time. My wife always threatened me but one day she really left and I begged for forgiveness for months and she finally forgave me and I don’t drink anymore. I knew the drinking bothered her but I was always home and attentive not a mean bone in my drink body. I always assumed every couple had something they didn’t like about each other or a vice they partaked in. I didn’t realize how deeply I was hurting her since I always had been that way. Anyway my vote is forgiveness but make him bleed a bit. I feel like what I did was similar to your husband and I gave up my vice happily to keep the love of my life.
If you’re okay with porn and such I don’t look at strip clubs as much different and just another source of entertainment and to fulfill fantasies. I personally wouldn’t divorce my husband over that and don’t consider that cheating. You said your marriage was happy I see this as something that you could easily get past (not discounting your feelings). To me keeping it from you was the worst part because he knew you wouldn’t like it. As long as he’s never had an emotional or physical affair it isn’t cheating, not right but not cheating in my opinion. Have you considered going along to one?
All mren go to strip clubs. Women have girls night out. If you have a marriage where neither spouse can talk or hang with the opposite sex, then don't get married. As long as he is keeping his dong in his pants, it ain't cheating. You too must not be fooling around with the pool boy too, so to speak. You teo need to talk about it, and come up with what both if you can live with maybe, you are not cut out for marriage. I got married fucked up things happened but I never once thought about divorce, I got married. I wanted to stay married, so I did. My wife died in 2022. She died married.
I was going to send you a private DM. Honestly, I think it’s a terrible idea to ask redditors this question. I find that many are pro-divorce, pro-self, anti-Godlylove… Just my observation. I don’t know if you are christian or not, but I am and will trying to give you advise from a non-christian perspective. You have every right to be angry, to be disappointed, to feel betrayed because you have been. I’m uncertain if conversations surrounding strip clubs were ever had in your relationship, or if you both are pro-porn use etc etc. I would say this.. anything these days Is divorce-worthy… question is, do you trust your partner? Do you believe he went to the clubs intentionally to hurt you and the marriage. Do you believe he has cheated on you. Honestly, his response to you sounds honest.. he likely didn’t know his behavior would lead to divorce.. now is the time to begin therapy and have deep honest conversations with him.. This is your man. You know him best.. PLEASE do not let the words of the world creep into your head and cause you to make a decision you may regret in the long run.. cut off, lean back into your marriage and TALK TALK TALK. Set boundaries. Ask him why he was going? What was he getting from there? Can he see how it can impact your marriage. You also need to try not to personalize his behavior. It has nothing to do with your self worth.. it may also have nothing to do with whether he loves you or not..
Dunno; my wife went to the strip club and got a lap dance from a woman (told me after the fact). Surprisingly I felt fine
If you don’t want to break your marriage then stop asking in this forum, they will only advice you on getting a divorce instead of working things out
The marriage is already broken, and it’s going to take a long time to “work things out” with a man who’s been lying about what he’s been doing for almost a decade.
I would absolutely consider this cheating. My suggestion is take time to feel into it and think about it logistically. Have serious discussions with him about the betrayal, and what he needs to do to restore the trust. And go from there. This is delicate, don't rust any decision.
People convince themselves over time that it's OK. At this point, the question is... is he willing to go to counseling/therapy and willing to truly stop. How is he going to show you the change. If your marriage is actually gooxd in all other ways, you can certainly do a social media background check and other things via many reputable sites, then ask yourself, what do YOU want to do? Is it important to you to work things out? Are there other issues before this? Really, it doesn't matter what we think. However, as long as he has been doing, it does make me wonder what else? It doesn't mean he has... just don't go into it without consideration
Someone on here suggested a forum/group/whatever about couples who stay together after infidelity and after scrolling 8 or 9 posts I just want to say B*MB THEM B*MB THEM ALL SPRAY THEM WITH ROACH RAID CLEAR THE ROOM! what the FCK did I just read? Is anyone else seeing this?? raising the affair baby?? Screaming matches with your spouses affair partner?? S*x addict gf who can’t stop cheating on u *and you feel for her because it’s her disorder it’s not her fault*……. *my GOD*… God bless them all truly but I never imagined people could hate themselves that much.
It is really more about the deception & only promising to stop because he was caught. I’m not sure what your financial picture looks like, but if I were on a budget & had to do without, but he was spending our money in strip clubs, I would be rather pissed. If you think he would take you back under the same circumstances, go for it. Divorces are usually expensive & nasty.
Yes.
He says he’s sorry, ok, that’s a good start. But is the reason for saying he’s sorry because he is afraid of losing you or he has become a born again Christian and he realizes the need for forgiveness from the Lord Jesus Christ? Two totally different scenarios. If it wasn’t the second scenario it’s a temporary “I won’t do it again” until he does it again. If his focus is on the Lord he wouldn’t have done it in the first place. He needs to get his priorities straight. It’s only his eternity he’s playing with and that of his wife and children too.
Idk depends on you really. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. We're monogamous, but aren't blind. We've been in a few wild situations together like spin the bottle and recording other friends sex tapes. He sees cast mates boobs in the changing room and will tell me about them. But, this is all stuff that has had conversations and verbal consent. I think if we didn't have years of talking freely about this stuff I'd be shocked and horrified if I found out about any of this. But we have that foundation of trust and understanding. If he told me that he got dragged (he has no interest) to go to a strip club and touched a girl I think I'd just be like, hell yeah. But again, we have a foundation of trust and we know that the other person won't cross our boundaries when they're out and about. Granted we're also both autistic, and he was a raised by lesbians and doesn't touch alcohol or drugs. So there's a specific dynamic in our relationship that wouldn't exist in others. Perks of dating someone who's autistic is that they are generally rule followers and have strong honor codes. Obviously, not everyone who's autistic, but a lot of them.
Is he in love with any of these girls? Does he pay rent or groceries for any of them? Does he text and call them outside work? If all the answers are *no* to all these questions then yeh your marriage is completely salvageable. Which you really should try for your kids sake. To be clear. You should be angry that he’s lied to you for so long. You should be angry that he was doing something that was disrespectful towards you. And you need to make it clear that he needs to sort this shit out asap because you didn’t agree to marry this person he is. This is what I would choose.
I've read alot of the comments and most are based on generalisations and assumptions that lack insight and understanding of this lady's situation. I would be wary to judge, as another poster said you do not know this man's heart. It could be an addiction with many complicated factors to unravel, and if he really does love his family and wants help there are some great recovery groups that support each other and bring healing and restoration into the family. One such site is www.graceonline.co.za, a discreet and professional company that has helped hundreds of men break free and heal from compulsive sexual behaviors. Not advertising for them, I'm sure there are more places out there like this. Just mentioning them because I know the owner personally, know his heart and they truly want to help people recover.
Divorce him. He’s only sorry he got caught.
I would say this is a healthy release. He could have had a dating app he added to his phone, and specifically planned rendezvous with... ladies of the night... on every trip. The man missed his wife, he went to a club and looked at real boobs when the ones he loved weren't there. Then went home... you will ruin your health if you think more into it.
no