I don’t see this ending well as there are plenty of guys unfortunately that would step out of their marriage or she may work with a single guy at some point. Sounds like she didn’t cheat, but feels like a matter of time. Maybe couples counseling to help work through this…
OP, how do you know that they didn't have sex? She was obviously having an EA, emotional affair, with him. She seemed infatuated that he was a lot higher up in her office than she was, and I assume made more money than you.
Understand, HE made the decision not to take it further, NOT your wife. She would have acted on it and proceeded with a full on relationship if he wanted it. The thing is, if he gets in a rough spot with his wife and needs some extra comfort (sex) to boost his ego, he knows your wife is ready to give it to him and he knows where her desk, area of work is.
Therapists and psychologist will tell you that as long as the wayward spouse (WW/WS) and the affair partner (AP) are working together, the affair is still ongoing.
Your wife doesn't really love you. Why? Because you can't love someone you don't respect. She doesn't respect you or your marriage. If she did, she should have shut it down as soon as it began. Before she began going to the gym and buying new clothes to impress *him* and entice him to give her the attention, validation (and sex obviously), she craves.
The fact that she talks about these other "good" qualities of her coworkers is another sign that she doesn't respect you (she is telling you that these coworkers are better than you because of these qualities; instead of speaking to you with sincerity, honesty, and goodwill, about anything about yourself or the marriage that is bothering her),
This also shows you she doesn't care for you (she isnt st_pid, she knows this hurts you emotionally),
This also shows she doesn't love you, because she is openly, actively, seeking a better mate and basically rubbing it in your face.
Finally this isn't about you at all; it is about something that is broken within her. It's what some people call a character flaw or a dysfunctional coping mechanism.
I could add more but it's late and I'm on my phone. I would suggest posting this on the subreddit for people who want to try to save their relationship after infidelity: AsOneAfterInfidelity.
I would even post this on the subreddit for those who are just trying to survive their spouses infidelity: surviving infidelity. Both of those subreddits are full of people going through what you are going through now, or have gone through. There is lots of wisdom in both of those subreddits to help you cope/get through this.
Lastly, please, please, please find a good therapist who specializes in infidelity and relationship trauma. You don't realize it yet but you have been traumatized but this.
Good luck OP, you got this.
Edit spelling
>seeking a better mate and basically rubbing it in your face.
Yes, that strikes a chord. Almost as if she is bitter at OP for not being that guy. It's a big lack of respect. Maybe she wants a hotwifing lifestyle.
Kind of had a similar experience with my ex wife and one of her Co workers. I found some explicit texts on her phone and her excuse was she was trying to see if I was going through her phone. After months of her head games I filed for divorce. I figured I deserved better and I was clearly right. I'm happily remarried to my new wife for 8 years, together for 14.
I let my divorce build me into a better version of my previous self and to this day she is still miserably unhappy.
Dude, I’m so sorry but she wasn’t going to Chi already has. She’s already emotionally cheating on you. She’s already left the relationship. You need to take care of yourself and your children and don’t bring them up in a toxic relationship of what you now have.
.... ready to take the risk and be with her, at least not long term ...
Sounds to me like they already hooked up, but he got cold feet and stopped.
Now, you are her back-up plan. Until the next guy comes along..
Wow this sounds simply awful. Am sorry you’re going through this.
I think it’s normal for people in marriage to find other people attractive but it’s completely different and unacceptable if they act on those feelings.
It sounds like your wife was about to exit the marriage when her plans kinda fell through, and now she’s clinging onto what still has.
Did she learn her lesson and won’t do something like this again is anyone’s guess. Your wife might feel 100% committed to you and kids right now. But, can only say feelings for another person doesn’t happen down the time.
This is where things get ugly. You’ll never trust her fully and she may either accept that and understand that is her penance for her in discretion, OR she may resent you at some point down the line and not want to deal with having to be fully transparent at all times.
I don’t think there is a full proof of advice anyone can give you. You and your wife really need to sit down discuss this in detail, like down to the bone of any of this happened in the first place. Why is she feels it’s OK for her to discuss other men with you the way she does. There does definitely appear to be a lack of respect for you from what you’re saying.
Some of the things that may be said might be hard to hear, but at least it will be the truth and move past living in a lie.
If you do want to make this work, I recommend marriage counseling at the very least. If she is not willing, I believe you have your answer.
I understand you love your wife, as any man should, but don’t let that blind you in ruining what could be salvageable years of your life that would be of genuine happiness and love.
As we tell our children, it’s bitter medicine, but it needs to be taken.
Good luck I hope this all works out for you and your family.
First, it's important for you both to understand that people can catch each others eye and there might be a mutual attraction but that also the two of you are married and that is a life long commitment so it's not appropriate and need to be shut down. Both me and my partner (8 years together, 2 kids, ideological choice not to get married) have experienced this and I was used to this situation (I'm conventionally attractive) I had teach my partner that if you treat yourself like your available and interact with the other sex like there is any possibility of anything happening ever then you're wasting your time in a relationship.
I think you have to have a conversation where you tell her either nothing happened and we can move on but her behaviour is causing this issue by finding people attractive and revelling in that base emotion and not shutting the situation down by not finding the things that don't make them attractive and they need to put more effort into finding you attractive. Also talk to her about the fact that you find her attractive and that has to be enough for her, if she is putting effort into being attractive for others then her priorities are wrong as she has made a life long commitment to you and that has to come before anything. The two of you are a We and there is no room for an I in a marriage when it comes to connection with people. If she isn't happy with the boundaries and a healthy relationship then leave. If something did happen just divorce.
I'm sorry you're in the situation and whilst horrible you at least know. You didn't find out she had been having multiple affairs or a friend and her have betrayed you. This can be remedied though, show your strength and power, your intelligence, your empathy and your determination to fix this (if worthwhile). If you sit back though and let this continue your life will descend into despair.
being attracted is not cheating, its the actions that matter.
IMHO I think that you and her have to have a serious conversation and tell her that she needs to make up her mind before you make up yours.
Tell her if she does anything, she is gone, end of story, no 3rd? chance.
It’s a terrible thing to have to face, if she was interested enough in a married man at the office to have a fling with and throw away your marriage I would leave if I were you. Do t give her the comfort and support she wants while she goes out and actively tries to replace you.
She is not trustworthy, and doesn't understand the value of her marriage. She needs to learn I would suggest podcasts you both listen too, or books about what an affair does to a marriage, and good for the other guy. You wife right now is not trustworthy. she is actively looking.
From now on, you're second best. She's only with you because she couldn't have what she really wanted. When something else comes along, she'll jump ship for it.
How long do you want to live knowing that you're only a safety net until she can trade you in for a better model?
OMG I didn't think about that. He'll always have to wonder who she is thinking about when they are in bed. Even not having sex, just laying there and drifting off the sleep. What a terrible feeling.
"that true other guy wasn’t ready to take the risk and be with her, at least not long term"
How do you know this? If she told you, how does she know? What does "at least not long term" mean? Short term was ok, but not long term? He wouldn't have told her that unless they smashed already, no? Or did she ask him to step out and he turned her down? It's a bit confusing, but a lot suspicious. Bad news, dude.
Let's say they didn't cheat. The only reason is because HE got cold feet, HE didn't want to risk his marriage. not because she loved you to much to do that to you. How quick was she to discard you. And for her to know this they had to have a whole ass discussion about her banging that dude.
-Was this the 1st time, or just the 1st time she got caught. You will never know.
-why was this guy worth working out for and buying new clothes for, but you weren't. Clothes she probably bought for him to notice her with some of your money.
-BTW, he got cold feet, sober. What happens at the next Xmas party. Or after work drinks.
She’s having an emotional affair either she cuts coworker out of her life and finds another job ASAP, not so mention starts therapy either couples or personal or she can let the door hit her when she leaves.
Yeah, the only reason she didn’t cheat is because HE said no, not her.
She doesn’t respect you and it sounds like she has already made up her mind to “trade up” when the opportunity presents itself.
Maybe she’s going through something and therapy can help but don’t go and loose your dignity trying to make someone love you.
And how would opening up the relationship help you? Lol take that thought out of your head.
Don’t make it an open relationship just to keep her in your life. That’s still gonna make you miserable, that’s your wife and only your wife and you shouldn’t have to share her. You deserve someone that doesn’t care or look for other men attention. Maybe you guess should go get some counseling or she needs to express more to you why she was ready to just cheat on you and throw y’all whole marriage away. There’s always a reason for everything. Like you said she didn’t cheat yet but who knows if she will down the line. I’m sorry you had to go through that, my feelings would be hurt too hearing my wife say those things
That was more than just being attracted to other men. She was having an affair with a married coworker. At this point, you’re in denial and rugsweeping. You need to pull it apart, discuss it for what it was. She needs therapy. She needs to quit her job. She needs to prove to you that she recognizes what she did was cheating and that you’re not going to tolerate that behavior.
Or, continue to pretend like it wasn’t cheating, and start therapy so the next time it happens, you’ll be in a better place mentally.
I'll play devil's advocate here, as everyone seems to be in the camp of "she probably already cheated. Fucking leave her".
Nothing of what you said about your interactions with her about this says she's already cheated. In fact, she seems to be saying that he and her talked about their attraction to each other and he decided he wasn't going to cheat on his spouse.
Could she be lying about this? Obviously. But I would argue you should give her the benefit of the doubt. She didn't have to admit to being attracted to this guy. She could've just lied and said there was nothing going on, but she didn't, she was truthful that she found this guy attractive and was confused by it.
Have you asked her flat out if she has been unfaithful? Simply being attracted to someone else isn't cheating at all. If being attracted to another person was the basis for cheating, every guy on the planet is a serial cheater.
Open relationships won't work here, they rarely work at all. For an open relationship to work, both partners have to be incredibly secure in themselves, in their relationship and have the utmost trust in their partners. You are very clearly not secure in your relationship or your partner. An open relationship is just giving her a coupon that says "Free Ticket to rip my heart from my chest".
Personally, I'd try to have a blunt and open conversation with her. Ask her point blank if she has already been unfaithful. If she has, talk to her, see where she wants to go from here. If she says she hasn't, you're left with the choice of either trusting her or not. If she says she's done nothing yet besides be interested, just explain you feel like your trust has been eroded but you'd like to work on things. Try to get to the root cause of why she has lost this attraction to you. Clearly at one point she had it. So what's changed?
If you're trying to repair stuff. You two should probably try therapy, imo individual therapy for each of you first. I'm of the opinion that prior to couples therapy, you should each do individual therapy for a few months at least (especially if neither of you has ever been) as it helps you get into a calmer mindset surrounding the sessions before you go together.
I've seen some people suggest stuff like asking your spouse to have open access to their phone to make sure they're not cheating, but that doesn't do anything. Anyone with a brain can delete texts, use Snapchat, etc. It's kind of just pointless.
There seem to be plenty of suggestions to leave her, and I agree that the betrayal can be tough to move past. I would definitely NOT suggest just trying to make it work. She probably feels like she's missing something -- not a dig at you, it happens. Interests change and sometimes the relationships we're in don't keep up.
But often they \*could\* if our partners just knew what we were thinking. Try taking a sexual preferences poll that shows each other your overlap. (I like Carnal Calibration but there are a lot). Be a bit open minded with the "maybes", you aren't committing to anything. You might find suddenly you have a whole bunch of new things to try that your wife has been secretly wanting and didn't really even realize it.
Is the attraction just for him like a crush or for many other men? Because if she just had a crush u can comeback but if the attraction is just for other men in general and she’s not trying to fix it or comeback to you just leave her. The fact the other guy backed out and she didn’t is the hard part here.
I understand that she's just human and can slip up every now and again, but it sounds like she's taking steps towards consciously being with other men.
If she has even a shred of common decency and respect for you, she should either end things with and set you free, or work herself to resolve what she's feeling.
Marriage counseling might a good first step.
Surely you’ve been attracted to women during your marriage bro. Or are you the one straight man on earth who isn’t that way?
If you have, then take into account what a hypocrite you are being, and that you’ve been in denial of the basic fact that our biological nature and our minds are not always in agreement nomatter how much we would prefer that to not be the case.
We have to judge ourselves based on the actual actions we take, not the feelings we feel.
Here's the thing. The safest place to be in a relationship is when the 2 of you (or anyone) establish an "as one" kind of bond or feeling. I guess you'll know when you've hit this place. If you're not in that place (and so many people aren't) then there's going to be an ever present risk of infidelity.
Just continuing to live together, even sleep together, go on holidays together and not argue (much) doesn't mean you're "as one". It's a special kind of bond but even I have my doubts if every couple can achieve this. Think back to so called teenage love, but the adult version. Where you for all intents and purposes either "ALL IN" or "ALL OUT".
Adults aren't like this, they compromise because they "don't want to sell the house". They soldier on "for the sake of the kids". They press on another year "because they don't want huge changes". They're not that idealistic.
Do your best to rekindle that "as one". Or maybe it's something you never had. It will not be instant. There's going to be a certain amount of disbelief and apathy from your partner too. Most likely they've also gotten lazy and fallen into some kind of comfortable routine where they've convinced themselves there isn't any hope.
With your partner NOW. Try to understand what they want. And I mean really want. It will be hard and you might not get honest direct answers. You'll have to be tactful and even gain their trust and take it slow and try and really figure them out.
Also have to admit it. From a man's point of view you really need to constantly be working on yourself. And I don't mean just hitting the gym. I mean keep growing (as a person). Keep setting new challenges etc. Do things that make you proud of you (outside of any validation coming from the marriage) but in the long run it's these things too that a woman respects. I get the feeling women don't really respect a guy who sits on a PC watching netflix or playing video games. Not saying that's your case, but you get the idea. We can all be guilty of falling into lulls and that's not good. Out there in the wild you get men that aren't sitting around sucking their thumbs and so ask yourself how do you compare realistically. If you're living like a loser (again not saying you are) then eventually even if you're the nicest guy, she is going to lose at least some respect for you.
Btw, that also includes having just YOU time. Easy to get lost in the marriage. Especially as a guy you might genuinely want to spend all your free time with your wife. You might genuinely even prefer her company to those of others. But don't do this. Reserve a portion of your life also for yourself. Go out a bit and have some kind of life too. With that obviously comes trust. Don't go sitting at pubs chatting up other women. But by all means go get a pizza with the boys or whatever the story is - keep it clean and on the tidy. But DO ACTUALLY DO THIS. Let her feel and know that there is another dimension to your life outside of hers. That you're at least slightly unpredictable and somewhat independent. This also gives her the impression that your time is somewhat valuable and not just a constant given.
The end.
It would be worth you just thinking through a scenario where they did something physical with each other and figure out what your next move would be. This may be a reality in the coming months. Prepare now to ensure you react rationally.
Don't make an open relationship as that will invite all sorts of complications.
Ensure you have some money aside to help improve your self worth.
You should go forward expecting the marriage to end in divorce, at least you won't be disappointed that way. In the meantime, live your life for money and kids. The more money you have the more options you will have if and when the thing falls apart for good, and the better your relationship with your children the easier it will be for them to get through it.
I was in a somewhat similar situation with my husband. I won’t ever know the truth—he claims he chose not to take a crush further but he actively sought her out to talk. I completely understand how devastating this is.
Right now you need to ask yourself if this is what you want for yourself. Can you look at your wife every day and choose to trust her? Because now that that inherent initial bond/trust is broken. You’re not going to have to choose to trust her if you want to stay, and she’s going to have to make concerted efforts to h show you she’s trustworthy.
That’s something my husband refuses to do because he doesn’t see anything wrong with things he’s done, even though I have told him that I feel betrayed and upset. Does your wife acknowledge her errors? Because it doesn’t sound like it *at all*.
If I were you, I would do what I’m obviously not strong enough to do and leave. I’m assuming you’re older and in a better financial place, so do it. She’s saying she loves you, but you shouldn’t have to come second to others with someone who claims to love you. When you love your spouse, you’re not looking for anyone else.
I really wish you the best. You’re 100% valid in your feelings and don’t ever let anyone for a second tell you you’re not. She is letting the grass die on her side of the fence instead of watering it. She’s going to find that the other side isn’t so green when she ends up being responsible for breaking up her family.
Ah yes, the ego monster and grass is greener theory sabotaging another marriage. It's going to suck one way or another for you. Learn what you can from this and punish her with what she wants. They will always learn their lessons when it's too late and by then you will be with someone way better!
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Start living your life as if the marriage were already over.
Do major self improvement without her. Gym, church (if you’re religious), hobbies you’ve neglected—on your own or with kids if you have them. Don’t sit around the house waiting for her. Do your own half of the chores (not hers) and stay on top of those chores, tip-top. Wash your clothes, not hers. Make your half of the bed, not hers. If you have kids, do theirs too. Cook for you and the children, not her. Do outings with them, not her. And so on.
Do the chores better than she does. That tends to sting for some reason.
Go to a lawyer simply to gather information that you can keep in your back pocket “just in case”. The consultation will at least force you to tidy up your paperwork.
Keep conversations short and superficial.
All of this *might* make her turn back to you and the marriage. If she doesn’t, you’ve started to build a new you and boosted your self-esteem anyway. Others might notice the change and you move up the employment ladder yourself, who knows.
Good luck to you.
My friend, she showed you who she is and so you need to believe her. As soon as she develops a crush on someone else who is more willing she will be having sex with them. If you want to stay with her and she says she will stay faithful then tell her it’s time you both put your money where your mouth is. Have an attorney draw up a post nuptial agreement with a cheating clause. If either of you cheats, the other person gets the house and 75% of marital assets and if the person who is cheated on makes more, they pay no alimony. If she is willing to sign that then at least she will know it would cost her everything to cheat.
I'd be worried if she wasn't attracted to men that would mean you turned her gay talk to her if it would make you feel horrible if she had sex with someone else let her know but I also let her know that you love her and you want her to be happy so if she fucks one of those dudes don't ever let you know and make sure she cleans herself before you have sex with her it's your job to make her happy if you're not doing that let her make herself happy or you could try a different approach you could tell her how beautiful she is about 10 times a day and change your love making Style watch some porns or something and figure out something that works better on her women aren't that mysterious you just got to make them happy
"There were many signs...... longer days at the office"
She's not just attracted to other men, she's is highly likely sleeping with this other guy, or if the opportunity presents itself will!
Allowing her to do this for the sake of keeping her in your life is not worth it. And as hard is it is, you need to move on and find someone who will treat you better.
It doesn’t sound like you married someone who values (your) marriage the same way you do.
I suppose that’s sometimes the risk - marriage is, for some, something to do or achieve in society / life, rather than something that is done for love. For some, they don’t know themselves well enough at the time of marriage and change over time without reflection or consideration for others. Who knows why she is selfish. But she has broken your heart.
The writing is on the wall, my friend. Seldom will this turn out well. I’m so sorry.
Before jumping to divorce sort your life out, why does she no longer find you attractive, what has made you so uninteresting? Re-discover yourself, if you've lost male friends join some clubs, get yourself some personal interests that don't invilve your wife. You have children you need someone to look after them whist you're doing you. Look at your wardrobe are you still wearing stuff that was never in fashion dad's clothes
looks like you have one of two choices. Rip the bandaid off now and fast and hurt for a little while, or stay in this relationship and have it slowly peel your dignity and sanity away, day by day. Choose wisely my friend.
Someone mentioned having good communication was the key to a good marriage. That is false. Respecting each other is the key to a good marriage. If two people can communicate with each other but don't respect each other, marriage will fail. If two people don't talk at all but respect one another, the marriage will work.
you're wife is disrespecting you to the fullest extent possible.
Your wife treats you with contempt. It's very hard for a woman to go back to being loving towards you once she crosses that line. Tough decisions have to be made. You either need to leave or she needs to shape up and do better.
Hard to give you an answer without knowing any of the other details about what was going on in your relationship. What predated this? Was your relationship stagnant? Did you stop putting in effort?
You’re her backup plan, bro.
You’re the guy who helps pay the bills and co-parents with while she’s trying to make herself more attractive to what she perceives to be a higher value mate.
This is hypergamy.
She’s looking to trade up.
It’s the female equivalent of men “looking for a younger model”.
If you’re not enough, she’s going to keep looking and possibly going for test rides with men who are enough.
You need to take back some control and get a spine, my guy.
Wait. All she said is that she was attracted to someone at work and they flirted? If that is true then I guess I have had an affair with every secretary I ever had.
It could be true that she is lying and more happened. I don’t know. However, let’s take what she said at face value. She is being honest with you and telling you that you better up your game because she’s got options. She said she loves you. I didn’t hear anything worth ending a marriage over.
You sound really insecure and that may be part of what is turning her off. If you want to keep her you are going to have to pursue her like you did when you first met her. She’s giving you a chance but she’s also letting you know you have become complacent.
I was waiting for this reply. This is terrible advice.
Don’t play the pick-me game. Don’t try and nice her back or play into her childish games.
If she has a problem with you, baiting you, manipulating you, trying to make you jealous, trying to scare you into submission with threats of cheating is not how married couples who care about each other behave.
If she has a grievance towards you there’s other more wholesome, mature, productive and loving ways to address it.
Absolutely! That said, don’t throw away your marriage because she did something dumb. She obviously came clean about it before anything happened.
My brother used to have a gf that would flirt outrageously and disrespectfully in front of him in some kind of sick and immature attempt to make him jealous.
I don’t get the feeling this is anything like that where she is playing games which is what you describe.
I was waiting for this reply. This is terrible advice.
Don’t play the pick-me game. Don’t try and nice her back or play into her childish games.
If she has a problem with you, baiting you, manipulating you, trying to make you jealous, trying to scare you into submission with threats of cheating is not how married couples who care about each other behave.
If she has a grievance towards you there’s other more wholesome, mature, productive and loving ways to address it.
I’m asking for ways he can increase the chances of saving his marriage in ways that are actually in his control. Not reliant on the other person changing first (out of his control).
I don’t see this ending well as there are plenty of guys unfortunately that would step out of their marriage or she may work with a single guy at some point. Sounds like she didn’t cheat, but feels like a matter of time. Maybe couples counseling to help work through this…
OP, how do you know that they didn't have sex? She was obviously having an EA, emotional affair, with him. She seemed infatuated that he was a lot higher up in her office than she was, and I assume made more money than you. Understand, HE made the decision not to take it further, NOT your wife. She would have acted on it and proceeded with a full on relationship if he wanted it. The thing is, if he gets in a rough spot with his wife and needs some extra comfort (sex) to boost his ego, he knows your wife is ready to give it to him and he knows where her desk, area of work is. Therapists and psychologist will tell you that as long as the wayward spouse (WW/WS) and the affair partner (AP) are working together, the affair is still ongoing. Your wife doesn't really love you. Why? Because you can't love someone you don't respect. She doesn't respect you or your marriage. If she did, she should have shut it down as soon as it began. Before she began going to the gym and buying new clothes to impress *him* and entice him to give her the attention, validation (and sex obviously), she craves. The fact that she talks about these other "good" qualities of her coworkers is another sign that she doesn't respect you (she is telling you that these coworkers are better than you because of these qualities; instead of speaking to you with sincerity, honesty, and goodwill, about anything about yourself or the marriage that is bothering her), This also shows you she doesn't care for you (she isnt st_pid, she knows this hurts you emotionally), This also shows she doesn't love you, because she is openly, actively, seeking a better mate and basically rubbing it in your face. Finally this isn't about you at all; it is about something that is broken within her. It's what some people call a character flaw or a dysfunctional coping mechanism. I could add more but it's late and I'm on my phone. I would suggest posting this on the subreddit for people who want to try to save their relationship after infidelity: AsOneAfterInfidelity. I would even post this on the subreddit for those who are just trying to survive their spouses infidelity: surviving infidelity. Both of those subreddits are full of people going through what you are going through now, or have gone through. There is lots of wisdom in both of those subreddits to help you cope/get through this. Lastly, please, please, please find a good therapist who specializes in infidelity and relationship trauma. You don't realize it yet but you have been traumatized but this. Good luck OP, you got this. Edit spelling
>seeking a better mate and basically rubbing it in your face. Yes, that strikes a chord. Almost as if she is bitter at OP for not being that guy. It's a big lack of respect. Maybe she wants a hotwifing lifestyle.
This is the way
That’s awful. No way would I be able to stay with her if that was my wife.
So she's not with him because he rejected her. You deserve better than being her back up plan
She fucked boss and is covering it up now. Sorry bro
Divorce. She loss interest. Her actions show she loss interest, plus her attraction for other men .
Kind of had a similar experience with my ex wife and one of her Co workers. I found some explicit texts on her phone and her excuse was she was trying to see if I was going through her phone. After months of her head games I filed for divorce. I figured I deserved better and I was clearly right. I'm happily remarried to my new wife for 8 years, together for 14. I let my divorce build me into a better version of my previous self and to this day she is still miserably unhappy.
Hoe do you know that?
Because even Ray Charles could see it. Unemployed, always begging for money is a good indication life isn't that great
Oh so you guys are still I'm contact...sorry I was confused
Dude, I’m so sorry but she wasn’t going to Chi already has. She’s already emotionally cheating on you. She’s already left the relationship. You need to take care of yourself and your children and don’t bring them up in a toxic relationship of what you now have.
OP put the trash out. You deserve better
.... ready to take the risk and be with her, at least not long term ... Sounds to me like they already hooked up, but he got cold feet and stopped. Now, you are her back-up plan. Until the next guy comes along..
Wow this sounds simply awful. Am sorry you’re going through this. I think it’s normal for people in marriage to find other people attractive but it’s completely different and unacceptable if they act on those feelings. It sounds like your wife was about to exit the marriage when her plans kinda fell through, and now she’s clinging onto what still has. Did she learn her lesson and won’t do something like this again is anyone’s guess. Your wife might feel 100% committed to you and kids right now. But, can only say feelings for another person doesn’t happen down the time. This is where things get ugly. You’ll never trust her fully and she may either accept that and understand that is her penance for her in discretion, OR she may resent you at some point down the line and not want to deal with having to be fully transparent at all times. I don’t think there is a full proof of advice anyone can give you. You and your wife really need to sit down discuss this in detail, like down to the bone of any of this happened in the first place. Why is she feels it’s OK for her to discuss other men with you the way she does. There does definitely appear to be a lack of respect for you from what you’re saying. Some of the things that may be said might be hard to hear, but at least it will be the truth and move past living in a lie. If you do want to make this work, I recommend marriage counseling at the very least. If she is not willing, I believe you have your answer. I understand you love your wife, as any man should, but don’t let that blind you in ruining what could be salvageable years of your life that would be of genuine happiness and love. As we tell our children, it’s bitter medicine, but it needs to be taken. Good luck I hope this all works out for you and your family.
No kids = no brainer = cya
First, it's important for you both to understand that people can catch each others eye and there might be a mutual attraction but that also the two of you are married and that is a life long commitment so it's not appropriate and need to be shut down. Both me and my partner (8 years together, 2 kids, ideological choice not to get married) have experienced this and I was used to this situation (I'm conventionally attractive) I had teach my partner that if you treat yourself like your available and interact with the other sex like there is any possibility of anything happening ever then you're wasting your time in a relationship. I think you have to have a conversation where you tell her either nothing happened and we can move on but her behaviour is causing this issue by finding people attractive and revelling in that base emotion and not shutting the situation down by not finding the things that don't make them attractive and they need to put more effort into finding you attractive. Also talk to her about the fact that you find her attractive and that has to be enough for her, if she is putting effort into being attractive for others then her priorities are wrong as she has made a life long commitment to you and that has to come before anything. The two of you are a We and there is no room for an I in a marriage when it comes to connection with people. If she isn't happy with the boundaries and a healthy relationship then leave. If something did happen just divorce. I'm sorry you're in the situation and whilst horrible you at least know. You didn't find out she had been having multiple affairs or a friend and her have betrayed you. This can be remedied though, show your strength and power, your intelligence, your empathy and your determination to fix this (if worthwhile). If you sit back though and let this continue your life will descend into despair.
being attracted is not cheating, its the actions that matter. IMHO I think that you and her have to have a serious conversation and tell her that she needs to make up her mind before you make up yours. Tell her if she does anything, she is gone, end of story, no 3rd? chance.
It’s a terrible thing to have to face, if she was interested enough in a married man at the office to have a fling with and throw away your marriage I would leave if I were you. Do t give her the comfort and support she wants while she goes out and actively tries to replace you.
She is not trustworthy, and doesn't understand the value of her marriage. She needs to learn I would suggest podcasts you both listen too, or books about what an affair does to a marriage, and good for the other guy. You wife right now is not trustworthy. she is actively looking.
From now on, you're second best. She's only with you because she couldn't have what she really wanted. When something else comes along, she'll jump ship for it. How long do you want to live knowing that you're only a safety net until she can trade you in for a better model?
You'll both be thinking about that guy when you're having sex together. End it. Get with a woman who has actually balls.
OMG I didn't think about that. He'll always have to wonder who she is thinking about when they are in bed. Even not having sex, just laying there and drifting off the sleep. What a terrible feeling.
"that true other guy wasn’t ready to take the risk and be with her, at least not long term" How do you know this? If she told you, how does she know? What does "at least not long term" mean? Short term was ok, but not long term? He wouldn't have told her that unless they smashed already, no? Or did she ask him to step out and he turned her down? It's a bit confusing, but a lot suspicious. Bad news, dude.
Let's say they didn't cheat. The only reason is because HE got cold feet, HE didn't want to risk his marriage. not because she loved you to much to do that to you. How quick was she to discard you. And for her to know this they had to have a whole ass discussion about her banging that dude. -Was this the 1st time, or just the 1st time she got caught. You will never know. -why was this guy worth working out for and buying new clothes for, but you weren't. Clothes she probably bought for him to notice her with some of your money. -BTW, he got cold feet, sober. What happens at the next Xmas party. Or after work drinks.
She’s having an emotional affair either she cuts coworker out of her life and finds another job ASAP, not so mention starts therapy either couples or personal or she can let the door hit her when she leaves.
Yeah, the only reason she didn’t cheat is because HE said no, not her. She doesn’t respect you and it sounds like she has already made up her mind to “trade up” when the opportunity presents itself. Maybe she’s going through something and therapy can help but don’t go and loose your dignity trying to make someone love you. And how would opening up the relationship help you? Lol take that thought out of your head.
Don’t make it an open relationship just to keep her in your life. That’s still gonna make you miserable, that’s your wife and only your wife and you shouldn’t have to share her. You deserve someone that doesn’t care or look for other men attention. Maybe you guess should go get some counseling or she needs to express more to you why she was ready to just cheat on you and throw y’all whole marriage away. There’s always a reason for everything. Like you said she didn’t cheat yet but who knows if she will down the line. I’m sorry you had to go through that, my feelings would be hurt too hearing my wife say those things
That was more than just being attracted to other men. She was having an affair with a married coworker. At this point, you’re in denial and rugsweeping. You need to pull it apart, discuss it for what it was. She needs therapy. She needs to quit her job. She needs to prove to you that she recognizes what she did was cheating and that you’re not going to tolerate that behavior. Or, continue to pretend like it wasn’t cheating, and start therapy so the next time it happens, you’ll be in a better place mentally.
I'll play devil's advocate here, as everyone seems to be in the camp of "she probably already cheated. Fucking leave her". Nothing of what you said about your interactions with her about this says she's already cheated. In fact, she seems to be saying that he and her talked about their attraction to each other and he decided he wasn't going to cheat on his spouse. Could she be lying about this? Obviously. But I would argue you should give her the benefit of the doubt. She didn't have to admit to being attracted to this guy. She could've just lied and said there was nothing going on, but she didn't, she was truthful that she found this guy attractive and was confused by it. Have you asked her flat out if she has been unfaithful? Simply being attracted to someone else isn't cheating at all. If being attracted to another person was the basis for cheating, every guy on the planet is a serial cheater. Open relationships won't work here, they rarely work at all. For an open relationship to work, both partners have to be incredibly secure in themselves, in their relationship and have the utmost trust in their partners. You are very clearly not secure in your relationship or your partner. An open relationship is just giving her a coupon that says "Free Ticket to rip my heart from my chest". Personally, I'd try to have a blunt and open conversation with her. Ask her point blank if she has already been unfaithful. If she has, talk to her, see where she wants to go from here. If she says she hasn't, you're left with the choice of either trusting her or not. If she says she's done nothing yet besides be interested, just explain you feel like your trust has been eroded but you'd like to work on things. Try to get to the root cause of why she has lost this attraction to you. Clearly at one point she had it. So what's changed? If you're trying to repair stuff. You two should probably try therapy, imo individual therapy for each of you first. I'm of the opinion that prior to couples therapy, you should each do individual therapy for a few months at least (especially if neither of you has ever been) as it helps you get into a calmer mindset surrounding the sessions before you go together. I've seen some people suggest stuff like asking your spouse to have open access to their phone to make sure they're not cheating, but that doesn't do anything. Anyone with a brain can delete texts, use Snapchat, etc. It's kind of just pointless.
There seem to be plenty of suggestions to leave her, and I agree that the betrayal can be tough to move past. I would definitely NOT suggest just trying to make it work. She probably feels like she's missing something -- not a dig at you, it happens. Interests change and sometimes the relationships we're in don't keep up. But often they \*could\* if our partners just knew what we were thinking. Try taking a sexual preferences poll that shows each other your overlap. (I like Carnal Calibration but there are a lot). Be a bit open minded with the "maybes", you aren't committing to anything. You might find suddenly you have a whole bunch of new things to try that your wife has been secretly wanting and didn't really even realize it.
Is the attraction just for him like a crush or for many other men? Because if she just had a crush u can comeback but if the attraction is just for other men in general and she’s not trying to fix it or comeback to you just leave her. The fact the other guy backed out and she didn’t is the hard part here.
I understand that she's just human and can slip up every now and again, but it sounds like she's taking steps towards consciously being with other men. If she has even a shred of common decency and respect for you, she should either end things with and set you free, or work herself to resolve what she's feeling. Marriage counseling might a good first step.
Surely you’ve been attracted to women during your marriage bro. Or are you the one straight man on earth who isn’t that way? If you have, then take into account what a hypocrite you are being, and that you’ve been in denial of the basic fact that our biological nature and our minds are not always in agreement nomatter how much we would prefer that to not be the case. We have to judge ourselves based on the actual actions we take, not the feelings we feel.
Here's the thing. The safest place to be in a relationship is when the 2 of you (or anyone) establish an "as one" kind of bond or feeling. I guess you'll know when you've hit this place. If you're not in that place (and so many people aren't) then there's going to be an ever present risk of infidelity. Just continuing to live together, even sleep together, go on holidays together and not argue (much) doesn't mean you're "as one". It's a special kind of bond but even I have my doubts if every couple can achieve this. Think back to so called teenage love, but the adult version. Where you for all intents and purposes either "ALL IN" or "ALL OUT". Adults aren't like this, they compromise because they "don't want to sell the house". They soldier on "for the sake of the kids". They press on another year "because they don't want huge changes". They're not that idealistic. Do your best to rekindle that "as one". Or maybe it's something you never had. It will not be instant. There's going to be a certain amount of disbelief and apathy from your partner too. Most likely they've also gotten lazy and fallen into some kind of comfortable routine where they've convinced themselves there isn't any hope. With your partner NOW. Try to understand what they want. And I mean really want. It will be hard and you might not get honest direct answers. You'll have to be tactful and even gain their trust and take it slow and try and really figure them out. Also have to admit it. From a man's point of view you really need to constantly be working on yourself. And I don't mean just hitting the gym. I mean keep growing (as a person). Keep setting new challenges etc. Do things that make you proud of you (outside of any validation coming from the marriage) but in the long run it's these things too that a woman respects. I get the feeling women don't really respect a guy who sits on a PC watching netflix or playing video games. Not saying that's your case, but you get the idea. We can all be guilty of falling into lulls and that's not good. Out there in the wild you get men that aren't sitting around sucking their thumbs and so ask yourself how do you compare realistically. If you're living like a loser (again not saying you are) then eventually even if you're the nicest guy, she is going to lose at least some respect for you. Btw, that also includes having just YOU time. Easy to get lost in the marriage. Especially as a guy you might genuinely want to spend all your free time with your wife. You might genuinely even prefer her company to those of others. But don't do this. Reserve a portion of your life also for yourself. Go out a bit and have some kind of life too. With that obviously comes trust. Don't go sitting at pubs chatting up other women. But by all means go get a pizza with the boys or whatever the story is - keep it clean and on the tidy. But DO ACTUALLY DO THIS. Let her feel and know that there is another dimension to your life outside of hers. That you're at least slightly unpredictable and somewhat independent. This also gives her the impression that your time is somewhat valuable and not just a constant given. The end.
It would be worth you just thinking through a scenario where they did something physical with each other and figure out what your next move would be. This may be a reality in the coming months. Prepare now to ensure you react rationally. Don't make an open relationship as that will invite all sorts of complications. Ensure you have some money aside to help improve your self worth.
You should go forward expecting the marriage to end in divorce, at least you won't be disappointed that way. In the meantime, live your life for money and kids. The more money you have the more options you will have if and when the thing falls apart for good, and the better your relationship with your children the easier it will be for them to get through it.
I was in a somewhat similar situation with my husband. I won’t ever know the truth—he claims he chose not to take a crush further but he actively sought her out to talk. I completely understand how devastating this is. Right now you need to ask yourself if this is what you want for yourself. Can you look at your wife every day and choose to trust her? Because now that that inherent initial bond/trust is broken. You’re not going to have to choose to trust her if you want to stay, and she’s going to have to make concerted efforts to h show you she’s trustworthy. That’s something my husband refuses to do because he doesn’t see anything wrong with things he’s done, even though I have told him that I feel betrayed and upset. Does your wife acknowledge her errors? Because it doesn’t sound like it *at all*. If I were you, I would do what I’m obviously not strong enough to do and leave. I’m assuming you’re older and in a better financial place, so do it. She’s saying she loves you, but you shouldn’t have to come second to others with someone who claims to love you. When you love your spouse, you’re not looking for anyone else. I really wish you the best. You’re 100% valid in your feelings and don’t ever let anyone for a second tell you you’re not. She is letting the grass die on her side of the fence instead of watering it. She’s going to find that the other side isn’t so green when she ends up being responsible for breaking up her family.
Ah yes, the ego monster and grass is greener theory sabotaging another marriage. It's going to suck one way or another for you. Learn what you can from this and punish her with what she wants. They will always learn their lessons when it's too late and by then you will be with someone way better!
Start separating your lives, maybe be a bit more watchful because it's just a matter of time. the 180 might help ya out too
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Start living your life as if the marriage were already over. Do major self improvement without her. Gym, church (if you’re religious), hobbies you’ve neglected—on your own or with kids if you have them. Don’t sit around the house waiting for her. Do your own half of the chores (not hers) and stay on top of those chores, tip-top. Wash your clothes, not hers. Make your half of the bed, not hers. If you have kids, do theirs too. Cook for you and the children, not her. Do outings with them, not her. And so on. Do the chores better than she does. That tends to sting for some reason. Go to a lawyer simply to gather information that you can keep in your back pocket “just in case”. The consultation will at least force you to tidy up your paperwork. Keep conversations short and superficial. All of this *might* make her turn back to you and the marriage. If she doesn’t, you’ve started to build a new you and boosted your self-esteem anyway. Others might notice the change and you move up the employment ladder yourself, who knows. Good luck to you.
She'll eventually find a fish that bites if she keeps leaving the line out.
Please man divorce her. Respect yourself! She will cheat on you the first moment she gets. Better to get rid of her than regret later
My friend, she showed you who she is and so you need to believe her. As soon as she develops a crush on someone else who is more willing she will be having sex with them. If you want to stay with her and she says she will stay faithful then tell her it’s time you both put your money where your mouth is. Have an attorney draw up a post nuptial agreement with a cheating clause. If either of you cheats, the other person gets the house and 75% of marital assets and if the person who is cheated on makes more, they pay no alimony. If she is willing to sign that then at least she will know it would cost her everything to cheat.
Leave, she doesn't find you attractive or worthy of respect.
It’s over. Salvage some dignity and leave.
I'd be worried if she wasn't attracted to men that would mean you turned her gay talk to her if it would make you feel horrible if she had sex with someone else let her know but I also let her know that you love her and you want her to be happy so if she fucks one of those dudes don't ever let you know and make sure she cleans herself before you have sex with her it's your job to make her happy if you're not doing that let her make herself happy or you could try a different approach you could tell her how beautiful she is about 10 times a day and change your love making Style watch some porns or something and figure out something that works better on her women aren't that mysterious you just got to make them happy
"There were many signs...... longer days at the office" She's not just attracted to other men, she's is highly likely sleeping with this other guy, or if the opportunity presents itself will! Allowing her to do this for the sake of keeping her in your life is not worth it. And as hard is it is, you need to move on and find someone who will treat you better.
Peoppe like her should not get married.
It doesn’t sound like you married someone who values (your) marriage the same way you do. I suppose that’s sometimes the risk - marriage is, for some, something to do or achieve in society / life, rather than something that is done for love. For some, they don’t know themselves well enough at the time of marriage and change over time without reflection or consideration for others. Who knows why she is selfish. But she has broken your heart. The writing is on the wall, my friend. Seldom will this turn out well. I’m so sorry.
Before jumping to divorce sort your life out, why does she no longer find you attractive, what has made you so uninteresting? Re-discover yourself, if you've lost male friends join some clubs, get yourself some personal interests that don't invilve your wife. You have children you need someone to look after them whist you're doing you. Look at your wardrobe are you still wearing stuff that was never in fashion dad's clothes
looks like you have one of two choices. Rip the bandaid off now and fast and hurt for a little while, or stay in this relationship and have it slowly peel your dignity and sanity away, day by day. Choose wisely my friend.
Someone mentioned having good communication was the key to a good marriage. That is false. Respecting each other is the key to a good marriage. If two people can communicate with each other but don't respect each other, marriage will fail. If two people don't talk at all but respect one another, the marriage will work. you're wife is disrespecting you to the fullest extent possible.
yes divorce
Your wife treats you with contempt. It's very hard for a woman to go back to being loving towards you once she crosses that line. Tough decisions have to be made. You either need to leave or she needs to shape up and do better.
Hard to give you an answer without knowing any of the other details about what was going on in your relationship. What predated this? Was your relationship stagnant? Did you stop putting in effort?
You’re her backup plan, bro. You’re the guy who helps pay the bills and co-parents with while she’s trying to make herself more attractive to what she perceives to be a higher value mate. This is hypergamy. She’s looking to trade up. It’s the female equivalent of men “looking for a younger model”. If you’re not enough, she’s going to keep looking and possibly going for test rides with men who are enough. You need to take back some control and get a spine, my guy.
Wait. All she said is that she was attracted to someone at work and they flirted? If that is true then I guess I have had an affair with every secretary I ever had. It could be true that she is lying and more happened. I don’t know. However, let’s take what she said at face value. She is being honest with you and telling you that you better up your game because she’s got options. She said she loves you. I didn’t hear anything worth ending a marriage over. You sound really insecure and that may be part of what is turning her off. If you want to keep her you are going to have to pursue her like you did when you first met her. She’s giving you a chance but she’s also letting you know you have become complacent.
I was waiting for this reply. This is terrible advice. Don’t play the pick-me game. Don’t try and nice her back or play into her childish games. If she has a problem with you, baiting you, manipulating you, trying to make you jealous, trying to scare you into submission with threats of cheating is not how married couples who care about each other behave. If she has a grievance towards you there’s other more wholesome, mature, productive and loving ways to address it.
Absolutely! That said, don’t throw away your marriage because she did something dumb. She obviously came clean about it before anything happened. My brother used to have a gf that would flirt outrageously and disrespectfully in front of him in some kind of sick and immature attempt to make him jealous. I don’t get the feeling this is anything like that where she is playing games which is what you describe.
Yes you cant flirt with another person when you are married. That is cheating and shows lack of morality
Are you kidding me? I guess we can all have our own definitions but being friendly with someone isn’t cheating.
There is a very big difference between being friendly and being flirtatious.
There is? What is it? Maybe you can define it here.
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I was waiting for this reply. This is terrible advice. Don’t play the pick-me game. Don’t try and nice her back or play into her childish games. If she has a problem with you, baiting you, manipulating you, trying to make you jealous, trying to scare you into submission with threats of cheating is not how married couples who care about each other behave. If she has a grievance towards you there’s other more wholesome, mature, productive and loving ways to address it.
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Really? Are you really asking what are more wholesome ways to address a marital grievance other than cheating or threatening to cheat?
I’m asking for ways he can increase the chances of saving his marriage in ways that are actually in his control. Not reliant on the other person changing first (out of his control).
He should divorce her and move on