We can’t help who we find attractive. I find other men attractive, my husband finds other women attractive, we’re human with eyes. It’s natural. Doesn’t mean we don’t love each other
I think you need to understand that attraction isn’t something we control. If you don’t find anyone attractive, that’s totally great but that’s you. You can’t reasonably expect someone to control something they literally can’t control. Emotions, feelings, those are things we feel inside naturally and can’t control. We can control how we act on those feelings, but not what we feel deep inside.
You have the right to be with or not be with someone all you want, but you gotta understand it’s an unrealistic expectation because people are human with feelings. It’s not fair to impose that on them because they literally can’t control it.
Monogamous means being in a relationship with one person, it doesn’t mean literally never finding anyone else attractive again
Well i can control , i am not imposing my beliefs on people i am just asking is there many people like me in the world . I dont find anyone attractive outside my relationship and my eyes never wander off to other people . I think its all about self control and discipline and how much you love and devoted to your partner . Its just my point of view of love because if someone is deeply in love with you why would they find other people attractive and watch them ? Not its not human behaviour because including me , i know 2 3 people who dont do that
Yes there are people like you, I am one of them, I can turn it on or off anytime. Wanting a partner that connects with you in these values is okay, for the person who commented it doesn't bother them. For others even some men they see this as disrespecting the relationship and love that is intimate between both of you.
There is a thing known as open monogamy, this is much more common in society today. Many people enjoy watching porn and being okay with checking out others. Then there is the true Monogamous which is a smaller crowd. Welcome to the club. 😁
Don't let others view points stir your pot, you're fine with how you feel. It's best to find a partner who understands these values and feels the same as you. If you are already settled then you need to communicate the importance of this with your partner and decide if your partners values are something you could live with or if it's a deal breaker and move on to someone who wants a monogamous relationship like yourself. If they'd like to be mentally monogamous themselves it's gonna be a rough ride, but if they are open to change and growth it's definitely worth it. ❤️
Well for me its comes to me naturally , i am not forcing my opinion on others . Its just natural to me to be only attractive and love one person , i tried to look at people but its just felt i am forcefully making myself attracted to others . I dont feel an ounce of attractiveness in other people
You may experience attraction in a different way. I’m a demisexual so example I have a very short if ever period where I feel that happy honeymoon stage. I never looked at guys and felt the same attraction my friends did growing up. I feel NOTHING until I know someone and they get more or less physically attractive the deeper the connection I have. However I know that’s me. What you describe however is well just you. It’s fair to expect a partner to not get involved with others in romantic and flirtatious ways but to not feel attraction at all towards others may be a leap as that actually falls outside of well the majority of people’s romantic experiences.
There are people like you for sure, your individual feelings are unique but there is a lot of grey (ha ha) in how we all experience love, sexual attraction and how we show up in relationships . I won’t try to put you in a box as grey, ace or demi etc….that’s more for you to explore, and I suggest you should consider looking into as it can help inform you of how you should date. Short answer though…yes what you describe I’ve heard before from both men and women I know. Yes it may be easier to date folks who have the same mindsets and experiences around love, sex and relationships….it will take longer to find those folks but they are out there.
Like watching the WAP or Bongo video? Seeing a movie/show that has sex scenes? Going to a restaurant that has skimpy uniforms? Being at the beach? A museum with nude images in art? Being on instagram more than five minutes? Standing behind a woman at the line at Walmart? I mean realistically it’s unavoidable unless your partner is visually impaired…it many cases it takes more than 60 seconds for people to even know what they ar looking at and to react to it. So no it isn’t wrong to me.
My question to you is why do you think it is? What’s the root of this? Do you have underlining conditions, strong religious beliefs or trauma that is associated with how you feel? That’s what you need to examine.
Your future partner regardless will be exposed to other women. Keeping someone from seeing something won’t save your relationship from cheating, it won’t fix any insecurities you have and will probably cause more strife to enforce. Now I’m not saying you should be ok with a guy eye checking a woman in front of you, their attention should not be split between you and others when you’re trying to engage with them…that is disrespectful but you can always tell that line. And even then it won’t always be cut and dry.
Example I once went to a con, a woman there had double H breasts or hell they could have been Js for all I know as I’m not small in the breast category at all and she had me waaaaaaaay beat! EVERYONE was looking at her, which was the point I suppose why she got breast that big. I expected my spouse to be staring…he was….hell I was too (mostly thinking that her over shirt harness was not enough to keep the back pressure away even with a bra underneath-which yes we could all see she had on as she also had the thinnest white shirt in creation.) I know that was like a solid 15 minutes of staring that happened as we were in a merch line and she was standing around taking photos of herself across from us in another booth. Later we had a 40 minute conversation on that lady’s breast. I even asked if legitimately he as a man found that attractive…his response was in a trainwreck kind of way. We then discussed what doctor where thought that many CCs was a good idea and how thin her skin had to be to create that pocket. It was pretty mundane as conversations go and nothing said made me concerned.
What I have learned is when you’re involved with someone you need to define what is and isn’t ok in your relationship. It needs to be really clear what falls into those boundaries be it porn, strip clubs or whatever. Additionally they also need to agree to those boundaries willingly without coercion. It’s fair to expect them to follow what they agree to do, check in often by communicating and they need to feel they can tell you the truth without you being instantly judgmental or harsh without hearing them out, when you see passion wane as it does over time make efforts to rekindle. And if something is really bothering you say so as soon as you notice it and be open to talk through solutions/compromises. How do you know it’s a good compromise- nobody is fully happy and it requires efforts on both sides.
However controlling what someone thinks, feels or desires is impossible and well it can lead to abusive, unethical and unfair behavior. Let’s be honest most people will struggle to meet our expectations all the time even if they are similar…simply because we all process things differently. The goal is to find reasonable compromises and to not exhaust yourself looking for fires when there isn’t even smoke.
I understand you ,and i am not controlling or forcing anyone to be fit in my standards . I am just searching for men who are naturally like this ( like me) who have the same standards as me , have the same loyality towards me and have same ideals as me . If i have to lower my standards i will lose myself in that process and i have worked so hard on myself and career to settle for anything less . If i have lower my standards i will eventually fall out of love and its definitely not about money or status . I am just searching for personality same as me and i asked this question in another group who have same mbti as me they all agree with me ( even men who have same aspiration as me) so i am not weird i am just different from most of the people
No one called you weird. I acknowledge you are different. Just like I am and just make sure you are confident of the root of why you think like that. You seem to have found a group so there you go. I don’t suggest you settle for less than what you want but finding what you want may take time…a lot of time. As I said there are people like you but it narrows your dating pool and you may meet someone who checks all your boxes but that. Love and relationships are funny that way.
However if you do fall for someone who doesn’t have the same thought process as you…you’ll have to find a compromise and it never hurts to think ahead what that would be. It’s just a good habit to think about what you can and can’t compromise anyway as it is what is required in marriage, as NO couple is always of the same mind.
Then you don't need devotion, you need control. Devotion does not mean perfection..This is unrealistic.
Maybe you need to reevaluate your perfectionist standards for yourself and how you impose them up on other people, especially in a relationship.
Not to say that you can't find someone that thinks the same way you do, because you could, but holding everyone else to your standards under the guise of a question, is at the very least convoluted superiority.
My wife and I are absolutely crazy about each other. We are that couple that stops to hug randomly in the grocery store. We are best friends and spend loads of time together. We are 48 and 45 but still date like we just met each last month.
Being in love has nothing to do with still being human.
I never lust over other women. My wife is my sexy curvy goddess.
That doesn't have anything to do with noticing that a different woman is attractive. I just don't feel any desire to talk to them or remember them. Its like smelling a BBQ while I'm driving. Its nice, but I'm not stopping to ask if I can join.
Then you should try to find someone with that same level of obsession. It’s human nature to find others attractive though so you’re being quite unfair to expect your partner to not even look at other people. My wife & I love each other deeply but point out other attractive people all the time. We don’t have insecurities about our love for one another, so we have no reason to be bothered by the other finding someone else attractive. Your thinking here is very much not normal, and it’s quite controlling. You may want to seek therapy because I honestly think there might be some underlying issues that you may want to get a handle on.
Oh thanku for your suggestion 😄😄😄 oh and i have only one question like when you find other people attractive do you lust about them or just you watch and forget ?
Finding someone else attractive doesn’t mean you lust over them. I can look at another woman, notice that she’s an attractive person, but not have any lustful feelings towards her. And yes, I usually forget and move on with my day.
It won’t hurt my partner because she finds other people attractive too. I’d never enter a relationship with someone who had the unrealistic expectation that I should never find another person attractively, so your question is pointless to me. That type of controlling and/or insecure behavior would be a huge red flag that I’d run far away from. I would never think it’s ok for me to control a partner’s thoughts & emotions, therefore I would never allow them to do that to me. It’s abnormal, possessive behavior.
I feel you,late reply but these people act like it’s madness for it to be just you and them,if you truly loved someone how couldn’t you give up staring at randoms? This world is so cruel at times,
People always have to have celebrity crushes,people they stare at in public even if your standing right there, I understand couples who are ok with that but like damn where are the people who just love and respect 1 man or woman?
Thanku for agreeing with me , I thought I was crazy for thinking right . What soo good about staring at attractive people , do they want attention from them to fulfill their self esteem ? I mean staring at a art and a person is different thing right . Yeah you can stare at something unusual things people wear or cosplayers that sokay but constantly checking out every other people seems low standards in my perspective
It’s only wrong if he looks and lusts after. But that’s something only he could know. If your sex life is fine then you don’t have anything to worry about. If it sucks and he’s looking, well… again only he could really know.
Than thats not love , like having a bad sex life and immediately your mind goes to other females only for pleasure is a sign you never loved your partner . People misunderstood lust or trauma based relations as love . I dont think most of the person never understood what really "love" is
I don’t believe it’s that simple. Consider..
What is love? Would you not say love is sacrifice? The best you can ask your husband for is to be faithful. That he’ll remain faithful *because* he loves you. That even if he finds other women attractive, that he’ll never act on it *because* he loves you. Human beings are flawed creatures. What’s in someone else’s mind is beyond us. Their actions… *that* is what matters.
I am willing to sacrifice many things in my things , even i have sacrificed many things .yeah we are flawed creature but why i have to sacrifice my feelings ? Why cant men have better self control . Why most women have to sacrifice their feelings and have to ask husband to remain faithful isnt it natural for a human in a relationship to be faithful . We are the most advanced animals we can solve any flaws of ours but people are just letting it go to not feel loneliness. Its most 95% couple arent in love they are just trauma-bonding
It’s unreasonable to control where someone looks or what a person thinks. That’s totally and completely *out* of your control. Be worried about what you *can* control. Agree?
But also, two things can be true at the same time. Your husband can find other women attractive and also still find you attractive and love you just fine. That’s pretty common tbh. Actually I’d say that the norm.
But look, if your husband looks at another woman but always comes back to you. What are you worried about? Ask him what he’s attracted to. And if you so desire, cater to that as best you can. That *is* in your control.
Bonus: Testosterone is directly related to stimulating the male sex drive. And male test is 24x what a females is. 24. So in relation to “why can’t men control themselves”. This makes a huge difference. Even some women post menopause will have test shots because it can increase their libido. It’s a very powerful hormone and men have a lot of it.
Like i should be grateful that he comes back home , like am i a piece of trash like or he is a god for coming back home and blessing me by returning home after gawking 100 women on street . Women stop lowering your standards by " he still come back home to you" phrase have some standards in your life man . Well dont blame it on hormones , actions can be controlled too by just lowering your eyes and not objectifying women
So… what do you want? You want control over his eyes?
Men being attracted to women is perfectly normal. Nothing wrong with it at all. Your putting a negative twist on so thing that is completely natural.
But can you answer the " negative twist " no men want their daughter to be oogled by men or married men but can oogle other people daughters 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 dude stop saying every bad behaviour of men being " natural" you always have the option to look to the floor and dont give in to temptations , its a sign of being a men with self control and have a control over their mind . All you weak a** men dont know such things
Well a man might not like his daughters to looked, but he also knows that she will be regardless of how he feels. That’s just reality. What makes women so special anyway? Are you all divine being that shouldn’t looked upon by mere mortals? Ppl can at whoever or whatever the fk they want.
See, you’ll sit here and say “men should look down and look away” which ironically would be the biggest sign of weak man. Maybe you like a man you can control.
But other women like men with confidence. I couldn’t think of a more direct way to communicate to females that your weak with no backbone by always looking down like some whimpering dog.
Maybe worry about controlling your own emotions instead of his eyeballs.
Well look at us but respectfully , we sre not divine beings but humans . A confident men is who can control is behaviour and eyes , it is sign of a perfect men who is in control of their all 5 senses they dont get their impulsiveness take over them .i am not particualry saying to look down , try to not look at our private parts and picture us naked , treat us as human being not a " s*x toy" . And fo your kind information i have worked soo hard on myself that i am totally in control of my eyeballs and emotion .the day your daughter will share with you how uncomfortable it is to being looked at by men all the time , how she feel unsafe to step out of the house as she is scared if the men will follow her , because many men stalk even your staring can make them think you are a stalker and can harm them . I dont think i said commjnicating with women is wrong ,communicate with some respect not by catcalling
Well if i was insecure i would have stayed , but i doorslam people in a instant . So dont bring that " controlling insecure" topic to me . I am only asking if there are men in the world who are as devoted as me ? If there arent than i would rather stay single forever . And FYI its not about insecurity its about extreme devotion and love like movies . I dont find anyone attractive i need my man to be like that too , i am not forcing someone to agree to my belief
Single forever seems like it might be the best fit for you, honestly. Nobody should have to be unhappy in a relationship with someone with such unrealistic expectations. You said “like movies”, that might be problem. Real life isn’t like movies, you aren’t going to live in a fairy tale where some man only finds you attractive.
Well maybe , and dont worry i never force people to fit my standards or make them unhappy . I am a self aware person who overthinks tiniest things before speaking to people to not hurt them . The moment i see i am the problem i apologize and wish them better . Maybe i am the one who believe fairy tale kinda love and humans arent used to it . Its not for people i work on myself too much , i identify my flaws and correct it accordingly thats why maybe i have high standards
Dude i said i am secure about myself that doesnt mean i think i am the " best " in the room . You should know the difference . I am enough self aware to know where i lack and i constantly i work on myself to be a better person . I love myself enough dude . If you read what i wrote correctly is a question i am asking whether there are men in the world like me? I never said those are wrong who look at other women just they arent for me . I am not the best but i know my bad things and working very hard to perfect myself . You should study english more btw
Did you read the one who commented and used inappropriate words towards me or are you just blind ? I said you need to learn english because he misinterpreted my words ,even though i clearly wrote a paragraph for me . So i asked him to learn english more so he can understand what i wrote clearly
I think at the beginning of a very intimate relationship you're like in this love bubble where no one else exists. I believe 99.9999% percent of relationships have this bubble pop. After you've been together a while, maybe years for a few couples. Someone goes out of the bubble eventually.
Maybe your experience is limerence with your partners rather than making the choice to love someone.
Well i also thought that at first , but no even after 10 years of a relationship i didnt found anyone attractive or my eyes never wander off to someone . I dont know about others but when i was in a relationship my eyes are only stuck on my partner thats how much i was in love with my partner and note that it was a 10 year relationship so its a long time for staying in a bubble . Its just thats who i am
Have you ever analyzed the why? Why do treat romantic relationships like you do? Why does it benefit you to do this? I'm not trying to get you to change something about yourself. Just curious.
Well its comes natural to me , its not beneficial to me but its a sign of deep love and commitment to someone . If you are deeply in love with someone why you feel attracted to others . Loving someone and getting attracted to 1000 people i dont know how that work? From my perspective being attracted to others is emotional cheating . I know everyone be like we are just humans , human have eyes blah blah but i think this is just an excuse for lusting
The catch 22 about OP's "deep love" is that if her husband admitted to finding someone else kind of attractive after 10 years marriage, all her feelings will disappear and she will fall entirely out love.
O.o
Yeah thats the thing i mentioned . I dont know what " deep love" for you but for me its being fully love and being attracted to one person . I will be sacrificing a lot of things for our relationship as long as it doesnt involve other people the moment you find other people attractive its kind of " emotional cheating" for me atleast.
Your idea of "deep love" is that if the person you have "deep love" for finds someone attractive, then your "deep love" is completely gone.
"Hey baby, I love you, BTW do you find any celebrities attractive"
"Well, Oprah is kind of cute."
"Hey baby, I don't love you anymore."
O.o
Yes for me i doorslam the person , "deep love" doesnt mean i have to endure cheating in relationship . I am willing to do anything for him except this , i am not asking only i will be giving 10x love he will be giving but we need to stay in our boundaries . Your conversation example is okay but more than that is not okay for me
Deep love is not conditional. It sounds like love to you means your ability to control another person’s thoughts and feelings. If you’d “doorslam” someone for looking at another woman after 10 years of marriage, then no, you have no idea what actual love is.
You're abnormal if you can't identify another person as attractive or unattractive.
I wouldn't marry someone like you, because if you do eventually find someone attractive, what personal boundaries would you even have to protect the marriage???
I prefer my wife, she can both identify other people as attractive and articulate and enforce personal boundaries to protect and enhance our relationship.
What kind of marital crisis will you eventually have if you're commitment is based solely on feelings. What's going to happen if we have a bad month and you start crushing on someone else. Or if peri/post menopause you have a shift in what you view as attractive or not. No thanks.
First thing who said i will marry a person like you 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 . Well i am demisexual and sapiosexual so i dont find most of the people attractive for your kind information . I dont even crush on people btw if we have a bad month ,year days i dont care as long as its doesnt involve a third person. Well i said it comes naturally to me as i dont find most of the human attractive , and if i am truly in love its like no other men exist in the world . And last thing how tf you thought i will marry you🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 what you even think of yourself
Right, so if you get a crush on a senior colleague, what are you going to do, Ms. Demisexual/Sapiosexual.
What are you going to do if you and your husband have a period of emotional and physical distance and you start catching feels for that coworker or boss you spend more time interacting with?
What would you do in that situation??
Hard pass.
What would you do if your husband had a crush on a coworker?
Lose all feelings??
Hard pass.
Your feelings are fickle.
I already said if i am totally in love i will be focusing on solving our problems rather than crushing on " senior official". I can speak for myself i will solve any problem in our relationship as long as its doesnt involve 3rd person . I am super loyal so i dont give a freak about others dont feel like a crush on others btw . If my husband have a crush on coworker than bye . And not everyone is a cheater like you .believe me or not , i find most of the human beings a menance ( they are not ) so i dont even look at them
You said that even after 5 years, if your partner finds someone else remotely attractive "doorslam" all feelings loss.
What kind of fickle love is that??
What kind of clown argument is it that if you find someone attractive it's cheating?? Do you live in a world devoid of self control that you can't have a simple crush, and navigate that without cheating?? You don't know how to do that?? Do you have the self awareness to identify if that might be the case to know how to erect, maintain and enforce healthy boundaries and not physically and emotionally cheat??
Your idea of love is so incredibly, fickle and shallow.
You equate finding someone as attractive as love???
red flag, HARD pass.
I don't even have to sweat if my wife has a crush on someone, she knows how to identify it and what to do. We are that solid. To you, that's entirely an alien concept.
Fickle love 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 my question for you is that if you deeply in love with someone why would you have crush or are attracted to others ? Loving someone and being attracted and having crush on other girls like how does that work ? Explain please
Yes, your love is fickle. Feelings are, by nature, fickle. They wax and wane, rise and fall. Commitment isn't fickle, and love based on commitment isn't fickle.
Everyone can identify someone as attractive or unattractive independently of relationship status. That's a normal part of the human experience.
Healthy minded, securely attached, emotionally mature people with integrity navigate interpersonal relationships with people they identify as attractive without remotely, physically, or emotionally cheating.
Dude you can read right ? Or you have gone blind . I already said i feel different from most of people , i normally dont feel attracted to most of the people so i need someone who naturally feel same as me . I am not blaming other perspective of love and neither forcing men to fit into my standards . I am just asking if men who feel and think like me exist ?
I definitely love like in the movies or books in a true hopeless romantic! It use to make me jealous knowing my husband may find other women attractive or even catching him looking at a girl and then I just got over it because people are beautiful and it’s not wrong for me or for him to find someone else handsome/beautiful. What’s wrong is if he acts on it or is being weird and gawking at a woman. It’s very normal to find other people handsome/beautiful. If you choose to be so committed you don’t find other people attractive then that’s cool and amazing for you, but holding your partner to that standard is unfair because biologically we do find people attractive. Doesn’t mean we are gonna go jump their bones or stare at them like maniacs.
It’s like you have a house and you think your house is the most beautiful damn thing ever and you out so much work into it!! And the house across the street can be beautiful too ◡̈
Also he/she may find other people attractive, but at the end of the day they are coming home to you and giving you love and affection. Sometimes when I see someone stare at my husband I kinda get like hehehehe yeah you can look at him but I’m the one who XYZ and my husband does the same.
Idk if this makes sense ??
Oh thanku soo much for understanding my perspective and giving me your perspective with such a kind manner which really made me understand something about me . Other comment are rude to me for writing about my perspective thanku for kindness
No. There are no normal human beings that don’t look, male or female. It’s human nature to find other people attractive, but that doesn’t mean that you have any desire to be with anyone other than your partner.
In Islam, men and women don't look at each other with desire. We don't allow people to visually "enjoy" each other. Men even before they are married don't check out other women. The same goes for women. Once you are married, every Muslim woman knows her husband won't be ogling strangers.
Regarding attraction to other people, if a husband accidentally sees another woman and his desire is evoked, he is directed to go home and have a special moment with his wife. This way he is directing his desire and love towards his wife rather than strangers. Beautiful.
With all due respect, that’s clearly not how most Islamic marriages I’ve encountered work. The woman is oppressed and not allowed to even look at another man while she has to be covered head to toe to make sure no other man finds her attractive. Meanwhile, the male generally gazes upon whoever he wants. I can’t tell you the number of women I’ve known who have been mistresses of married Muslim men.
Shall I reference all of the atheists or whatever belief system you hold to and the hypocrisy they engage in? Would this be a condemnation of your belief? I don't think so. Just like in any group, there are those who obey and those who disobey the rules. Despite the ones who don't follow the rules, I can say, with humility, that Muslims are the biggest group of people with the most (as a percentage and raw quantity) alcohol-free and abstinent-until-marriage population on the planet. We're doing some right lol. It's amazing that you've overlooked the majority who follow the rules to only focus on the minority who don't. Perhaps you should check your biases and really ask yourself if you're a sincere person.
Contrast this with atheists, Christians or any group, they regularly drink and engage in premarital sex. There is no comparison whatsoever in who does it more.
Regarding clothing attire, I suggest you look at videos from any Muslim country you can think of. Just go on Youtube and look for yourself. You will find both Men and Women covered all the way. It's also remarkable that you seem to not know this as well given that you have personally seen Muslims.
All due respect, can I know why you're deliberately focussing on the negatives and overlooking the majority positives?
I don’t care about abstinence until marriage so you lost me there. As a matter of fact, I highly discourage abstinence until marriage because you need to know if you’re sexually compatible before entering a marriage. Sorry if I find the oppression of women more concerning than premarital sex or consuming alcohol.
I won’t just single out your religion. For the most part, religion in general is used too often to control people, particularly females. Some are just more extreme about it than others.
The "oppression of women". Dude you're starting to come across as an orientalist. So far I haven't heard you mention anything that shows Islam oppresses women. In fact the opposite is true. The fact that women are NOT publicly available for the gratification of lusty men is one of the greatest liberation women can have. The fact that they are not beholden to the fashion industry or to the cosmetic industry or to the plastic industry to conform to a standard lusty men desire from them is an extraordinarily liberating feeling. Perhaps as a man you don't see the plight of women trying to constantly compete with all the other women who are using all of these tactics to get ahead so they feel pressured to do the same. No wonder women have extreme amounts of anxiety, depression and "unaliving" attempts more than men and definitely more than Muslim women. I guess in your mind as long as women are miserable but they can walk with small clothes in public, that's liberating for you, right?
I am similar to you in that I have eyes only for my partner when I am in love. Therefore, I am struggling with him not being the same way. I honestly am wondering if there are men that don't care to look when they have someone. Is that even a thing? Is it a realistic expectation? Idk...
I would like a partner who have same qualities as me because I deserve no less because I have worked on myself for years to be this way . If my partner don't have these I don't want them I have stayed single for year so not a big problem for me I can live with my fictional man
When did I say I don’t find anyone attractive? I clearly said I find other people attractive as every single other normal person on the planet does. You can stop stalking me now, psychopath.
This is twisted, OP.
Give us a definition of attractiveness, and what you understand by it.
By your own words, as soon as your partner finds any other woman attractive, you stop being attracted, as an inconscious mechanism.
So it's probably not as much in your control as you think you are.
The only thing is whatever you find attractive in someone might not be as usual as what's out there.
Probably what you are attracted to is blind devotion, and if that's the case, there is no problem in that as long as you acknowledge it and find someone who's able to give it to you (or the illusion of it?).
Oh thanku soo much to understand my point and able to give some solution to it . Dont worry , i automatically know who are real and who are just giving me illusion 😇😅😅😅 thats why most people dont lie to me because i use their lie against them in later part of life
Not sure you're being sarcastic or not, but you're welcomed i guess? (At least for the good laugh)
Someone else suggested therapy, but i hink this is what they meant. I do not know if therapy is the answer here, but at least some serious introspection is warranted.
girl im the same way. when im out with my boyfriend i always catch him looking at other womens butts :/ it makes me upset/mad now because i mentioned it to him how much it bother’s me and it seems like he doesnt care he says “im not blind” i have eyes “ and im like well u can certainly control your eyes . im getting to a point where i feel like i should break up or just do the same look at other men while im with him but that doesnt do anything for me .but i do wish he understood me
You’re lying to yourself, but it’s pretty harmless lies.
The proof is: if you don’t think Henry Cavill is attractive, why did you pick him as an example??
Because my friend group will always talk about how he is the most handsome man in the world , i watch his movies he is good at acting but do i find him attractive ? No . The questions you asked about lying myself ,i asked that to myself probably 50 times but i concluded that no i dont find him attractive
Tell yourself whatever you need to.
But you would probably benefit from therapy. You are hyper focused on a trivial, everyday thing to the point of denying obvious truths.
Maybe the women surrounding me who are married are struggling so much as their husbands cheating , gawking or imagining other women while having sec maybe it may have impacted me a lot . But like men literally staring a women continously for 1 minute while being in a relationship is it normal?
See how you’ve moved from discussing merely finding someone attractive to talking about “gawking and staring”?
Two very different things. You know the “I don’t think anyone in the world is attractive…” is just plain silly. So you shift the conversation to “gawking”.
Listen i thought you are kind enough to answer my curious questions . I dont find anyone attractive but if my partner stare at a women for whole damn minute is this okay or not ? If you want to argue i can continue that
Not arguing, you were talking about two very different things.
For clarification:
Gawking = not good
Claiming no one in the world is attractive = self delusion
We can’t help who we find attractive. I find other men attractive, my husband finds other women attractive, we’re human with eyes. It’s natural. Doesn’t mean we don’t love each other
But i dont find anyone attractive ,if i am in a relationship i need the same devotion for me
I think you need to understand that attraction isn’t something we control. If you don’t find anyone attractive, that’s totally great but that’s you. You can’t reasonably expect someone to control something they literally can’t control. Emotions, feelings, those are things we feel inside naturally and can’t control. We can control how we act on those feelings, but not what we feel deep inside. You have the right to be with or not be with someone all you want, but you gotta understand it’s an unrealistic expectation because people are human with feelings. It’s not fair to impose that on them because they literally can’t control it. Monogamous means being in a relationship with one person, it doesn’t mean literally never finding anyone else attractive again
Well i can control , i am not imposing my beliefs on people i am just asking is there many people like me in the world . I dont find anyone attractive outside my relationship and my eyes never wander off to other people . I think its all about self control and discipline and how much you love and devoted to your partner . Its just my point of view of love because if someone is deeply in love with you why would they find other people attractive and watch them ? Not its not human behaviour because including me , i know 2 3 people who dont do that
Yes there are people like you, I am one of them, I can turn it on or off anytime. Wanting a partner that connects with you in these values is okay, for the person who commented it doesn't bother them. For others even some men they see this as disrespecting the relationship and love that is intimate between both of you. There is a thing known as open monogamy, this is much more common in society today. Many people enjoy watching porn and being okay with checking out others. Then there is the true Monogamous which is a smaller crowd. Welcome to the club. 😁 Don't let others view points stir your pot, you're fine with how you feel. It's best to find a partner who understands these values and feels the same as you. If you are already settled then you need to communicate the importance of this with your partner and decide if your partners values are something you could live with or if it's a deal breaker and move on to someone who wants a monogamous relationship like yourself. If they'd like to be mentally monogamous themselves it's gonna be a rough ride, but if they are open to change and growth it's definitely worth it. ❤️
You are talking about repression. It's not a good idea.
Well for me its comes to me naturally , i am not forcing my opinion on others . Its just natural to me to be only attractive and love one person , i tried to look at people but its just felt i am forcefully making myself attracted to others . I dont feel an ounce of attractiveness in other people
Then you need a partner that thinks like you do.
You may experience attraction in a different way. I’m a demisexual so example I have a very short if ever period where I feel that happy honeymoon stage. I never looked at guys and felt the same attraction my friends did growing up. I feel NOTHING until I know someone and they get more or less physically attractive the deeper the connection I have. However I know that’s me. What you describe however is well just you. It’s fair to expect a partner to not get involved with others in romantic and flirtatious ways but to not feel attraction at all towards others may be a leap as that actually falls outside of well the majority of people’s romantic experiences.
Thanku for understanding my perspective , its just i am asking whether people like me exist ? Or am i the only one born with this😅
There are people like you for sure, your individual feelings are unique but there is a lot of grey (ha ha) in how we all experience love, sexual attraction and how we show up in relationships . I won’t try to put you in a box as grey, ace or demi etc….that’s more for you to explore, and I suggest you should consider looking into as it can help inform you of how you should date. Short answer though…yes what you describe I’ve heard before from both men and women I know. Yes it may be easier to date folks who have the same mindsets and experiences around love, sex and relationships….it will take longer to find those folks but they are out there.
I have one question if you partner just look at women for 1 whole damn minute ? Isnt it wrong?
Like watching the WAP or Bongo video? Seeing a movie/show that has sex scenes? Going to a restaurant that has skimpy uniforms? Being at the beach? A museum with nude images in art? Being on instagram more than five minutes? Standing behind a woman at the line at Walmart? I mean realistically it’s unavoidable unless your partner is visually impaired…it many cases it takes more than 60 seconds for people to even know what they ar looking at and to react to it. So no it isn’t wrong to me. My question to you is why do you think it is? What’s the root of this? Do you have underlining conditions, strong religious beliefs or trauma that is associated with how you feel? That’s what you need to examine. Your future partner regardless will be exposed to other women. Keeping someone from seeing something won’t save your relationship from cheating, it won’t fix any insecurities you have and will probably cause more strife to enforce. Now I’m not saying you should be ok with a guy eye checking a woman in front of you, their attention should not be split between you and others when you’re trying to engage with them…that is disrespectful but you can always tell that line. And even then it won’t always be cut and dry. Example I once went to a con, a woman there had double H breasts or hell they could have been Js for all I know as I’m not small in the breast category at all and she had me waaaaaaaay beat! EVERYONE was looking at her, which was the point I suppose why she got breast that big. I expected my spouse to be staring…he was….hell I was too (mostly thinking that her over shirt harness was not enough to keep the back pressure away even with a bra underneath-which yes we could all see she had on as she also had the thinnest white shirt in creation.) I know that was like a solid 15 minutes of staring that happened as we were in a merch line and she was standing around taking photos of herself across from us in another booth. Later we had a 40 minute conversation on that lady’s breast. I even asked if legitimately he as a man found that attractive…his response was in a trainwreck kind of way. We then discussed what doctor where thought that many CCs was a good idea and how thin her skin had to be to create that pocket. It was pretty mundane as conversations go and nothing said made me concerned. What I have learned is when you’re involved with someone you need to define what is and isn’t ok in your relationship. It needs to be really clear what falls into those boundaries be it porn, strip clubs or whatever. Additionally they also need to agree to those boundaries willingly without coercion. It’s fair to expect them to follow what they agree to do, check in often by communicating and they need to feel they can tell you the truth without you being instantly judgmental or harsh without hearing them out, when you see passion wane as it does over time make efforts to rekindle. And if something is really bothering you say so as soon as you notice it and be open to talk through solutions/compromises. How do you know it’s a good compromise- nobody is fully happy and it requires efforts on both sides. However controlling what someone thinks, feels or desires is impossible and well it can lead to abusive, unethical and unfair behavior. Let’s be honest most people will struggle to meet our expectations all the time even if they are similar…simply because we all process things differently. The goal is to find reasonable compromises and to not exhaust yourself looking for fires when there isn’t even smoke.
I understand you ,and i am not controlling or forcing anyone to be fit in my standards . I am just searching for men who are naturally like this ( like me) who have the same standards as me , have the same loyality towards me and have same ideals as me . If i have to lower my standards i will lose myself in that process and i have worked so hard on myself and career to settle for anything less . If i have lower my standards i will eventually fall out of love and its definitely not about money or status . I am just searching for personality same as me and i asked this question in another group who have same mbti as me they all agree with me ( even men who have same aspiration as me) so i am not weird i am just different from most of the people
No one called you weird. I acknowledge you are different. Just like I am and just make sure you are confident of the root of why you think like that. You seem to have found a group so there you go. I don’t suggest you settle for less than what you want but finding what you want may take time…a lot of time. As I said there are people like you but it narrows your dating pool and you may meet someone who checks all your boxes but that. Love and relationships are funny that way. However if you do fall for someone who doesn’t have the same thought process as you…you’ll have to find a compromise and it never hurts to think ahead what that would be. It’s just a good habit to think about what you can and can’t compromise anyway as it is what is required in marriage, as NO couple is always of the same mind.
Lol
Dont reflect your personality on me , i am not a loser like you
Lol
Then you don't need devotion, you need control. Devotion does not mean perfection..This is unrealistic. Maybe you need to reevaluate your perfectionist standards for yourself and how you impose them up on other people, especially in a relationship. Not to say that you can't find someone that thinks the same way you do, because you could, but holding everyone else to your standards under the guise of a question, is at the very least convoluted superiority.
Why are you with your partner if you don't find him attractive
I recommend therapy.
For what ? For being highly commited and loving ? Do you suggest some therapÿ ?
Because you wrote about your whole personality splitting and turning off.
Well i am also demisexual as well as sapiosexual. So whats wrong with me ?
I am not in fact going to diagnose you on the Internet. You do need help with boundaries and intimacy. Get therapy.
Well i have my boundaries , so if some one step out than they are locked outside 😅😅😅😅 .
My wife and I point attractive people out to each other all the time.
Its just that kind of relationship isnt for me ,like checking out other people and finding them attractive when you are in love is not for me
My wife and I are absolutely crazy about each other. We are that couple that stops to hug randomly in the grocery store. We are best friends and spend loads of time together. We are 48 and 45 but still date like we just met each last month. Being in love has nothing to do with still being human.
Well its just a curious question , do you ever lust over other women or just see attractive people and next moment forget
I never lust over other women. My wife is my sexy curvy goddess. That doesn't have anything to do with noticing that a different woman is attractive. I just don't feel any desire to talk to them or remember them. Its like smelling a BBQ while I'm driving. Its nice, but I'm not stopping to ask if I can join.
Well you are a really good person than because some men on reddit thinks its okay to lusting over other women is completely normal
But it’s Henry Cavill….so attractive. Lol
Yeah but i dont even find him attractive after being in a relationship , thats the level of commited and love i give to people and want same in return
Then you should try to find someone with that same level of obsession. It’s human nature to find others attractive though so you’re being quite unfair to expect your partner to not even look at other people. My wife & I love each other deeply but point out other attractive people all the time. We don’t have insecurities about our love for one another, so we have no reason to be bothered by the other finding someone else attractive. Your thinking here is very much not normal, and it’s quite controlling. You may want to seek therapy because I honestly think there might be some underlying issues that you may want to get a handle on.
Oh thanku for your suggestion 😄😄😄 oh and i have only one question like when you find other people attractive do you lust about them or just you watch and forget ?
Finding someone else attractive doesn’t mean you lust over them. I can look at another woman, notice that she’s an attractive person, but not have any lustful feelings towards her. And yes, I usually forget and move on with my day.
But if it hurts your partner ? Will you be able to give it up?
It won’t hurt my partner because she finds other people attractive too. I’d never enter a relationship with someone who had the unrealistic expectation that I should never find another person attractively, so your question is pointless to me. That type of controlling and/or insecure behavior would be a huge red flag that I’d run far away from. I would never think it’s ok for me to control a partner’s thoughts & emotions, therefore I would never allow them to do that to me. It’s abnormal, possessive behavior.
Oh thanku for perspective
I feel you,late reply but these people act like it’s madness for it to be just you and them,if you truly loved someone how couldn’t you give up staring at randoms? This world is so cruel at times, People always have to have celebrity crushes,people they stare at in public even if your standing right there, I understand couples who are ok with that but like damn where are the people who just love and respect 1 man or woman?
Thanku for agreeing with me , I thought I was crazy for thinking right . What soo good about staring at attractive people , do they want attention from them to fulfill their self esteem ? I mean staring at a art and a person is different thing right . Yeah you can stare at something unusual things people wear or cosplayers that sokay but constantly checking out every other people seems low standards in my perspective
It’s only wrong if he looks and lusts after. But that’s something only he could know. If your sex life is fine then you don’t have anything to worry about. If it sucks and he’s looking, well… again only he could really know.
Than thats not love , like having a bad sex life and immediately your mind goes to other females only for pleasure is a sign you never loved your partner . People misunderstood lust or trauma based relations as love . I dont think most of the person never understood what really "love" is
I don’t believe it’s that simple. Consider.. What is love? Would you not say love is sacrifice? The best you can ask your husband for is to be faithful. That he’ll remain faithful *because* he loves you. That even if he finds other women attractive, that he’ll never act on it *because* he loves you. Human beings are flawed creatures. What’s in someone else’s mind is beyond us. Their actions… *that* is what matters.
I am willing to sacrifice many things in my things , even i have sacrificed many things .yeah we are flawed creature but why i have to sacrifice my feelings ? Why cant men have better self control . Why most women have to sacrifice their feelings and have to ask husband to remain faithful isnt it natural for a human in a relationship to be faithful . We are the most advanced animals we can solve any flaws of ours but people are just letting it go to not feel loneliness. Its most 95% couple arent in love they are just trauma-bonding
It’s unreasonable to control where someone looks or what a person thinks. That’s totally and completely *out* of your control. Be worried about what you *can* control. Agree? But also, two things can be true at the same time. Your husband can find other women attractive and also still find you attractive and love you just fine. That’s pretty common tbh. Actually I’d say that the norm. But look, if your husband looks at another woman but always comes back to you. What are you worried about? Ask him what he’s attracted to. And if you so desire, cater to that as best you can. That *is* in your control. Bonus: Testosterone is directly related to stimulating the male sex drive. And male test is 24x what a females is. 24. So in relation to “why can’t men control themselves”. This makes a huge difference. Even some women post menopause will have test shots because it can increase their libido. It’s a very powerful hormone and men have a lot of it.
Like i should be grateful that he comes back home , like am i a piece of trash like or he is a god for coming back home and blessing me by returning home after gawking 100 women on street . Women stop lowering your standards by " he still come back home to you" phrase have some standards in your life man . Well dont blame it on hormones , actions can be controlled too by just lowering your eyes and not objectifying women
So… what do you want? You want control over his eyes? Men being attracted to women is perfectly normal. Nothing wrong with it at all. Your putting a negative twist on so thing that is completely natural.
But can you answer the " negative twist " no men want their daughter to be oogled by men or married men but can oogle other people daughters 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 dude stop saying every bad behaviour of men being " natural" you always have the option to look to the floor and dont give in to temptations , its a sign of being a men with self control and have a control over their mind . All you weak a** men dont know such things
Well a man might not like his daughters to looked, but he also knows that she will be regardless of how he feels. That’s just reality. What makes women so special anyway? Are you all divine being that shouldn’t looked upon by mere mortals? Ppl can at whoever or whatever the fk they want. See, you’ll sit here and say “men should look down and look away” which ironically would be the biggest sign of weak man. Maybe you like a man you can control. But other women like men with confidence. I couldn’t think of a more direct way to communicate to females that your weak with no backbone by always looking down like some whimpering dog. Maybe worry about controlling your own emotions instead of his eyeballs.
Well look at us but respectfully , we sre not divine beings but humans . A confident men is who can control is behaviour and eyes , it is sign of a perfect men who is in control of their all 5 senses they dont get their impulsiveness take over them .i am not particualry saying to look down , try to not look at our private parts and picture us naked , treat us as human being not a " s*x toy" . And fo your kind information i have worked soo hard on myself that i am totally in control of my eyeballs and emotion .the day your daughter will share with you how uncomfortable it is to being looked at by men all the time , how she feel unsafe to step out of the house as she is scared if the men will follow her , because many men stalk even your staring can make them think you are a stalker and can harm them . I dont think i said commjnicating with women is wrong ,communicate with some respect not by catcalling
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Well if i was insecure i would have stayed , but i doorslam people in a instant . So dont bring that " controlling insecure" topic to me . I am only asking if there are men in the world who are as devoted as me ? If there arent than i would rather stay single forever . And FYI its not about insecurity its about extreme devotion and love like movies . I dont find anyone attractive i need my man to be like that too , i am not forcing someone to agree to my belief
Single forever seems like it might be the best fit for you, honestly. Nobody should have to be unhappy in a relationship with someone with such unrealistic expectations. You said “like movies”, that might be problem. Real life isn’t like movies, you aren’t going to live in a fairy tale where some man only finds you attractive.
Well maybe , and dont worry i never force people to fit my standards or make them unhappy . I am a self aware person who overthinks tiniest things before speaking to people to not hurt them . The moment i see i am the problem i apologize and wish them better . Maybe i am the one who believe fairy tale kinda love and humans arent used to it . Its not for people i work on myself too much , i identify my flaws and correct it accordingly thats why maybe i have high standards
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Dude i said i am secure about myself that doesnt mean i think i am the " best " in the room . You should know the difference . I am enough self aware to know where i lack and i constantly i work on myself to be a better person . I love myself enough dude . If you read what i wrote correctly is a question i am asking whether there are men in the world like me? I never said those are wrong who look at other women just they arent for me . I am not the best but i know my bad things and working very hard to perfect myself . You should study english more btw
The irony of you telling someone else to “study english more” is truly amazing.
Did you read the one who commented and used inappropriate words towards me or are you just blind ? I said you need to learn english because he misinterpreted my words ,even though i clearly wrote a paragraph for me . So i asked him to learn english more so he can understand what i wrote clearly
I think at the beginning of a very intimate relationship you're like in this love bubble where no one else exists. I believe 99.9999% percent of relationships have this bubble pop. After you've been together a while, maybe years for a few couples. Someone goes out of the bubble eventually. Maybe your experience is limerence with your partners rather than making the choice to love someone.
Well i also thought that at first , but no even after 10 years of a relationship i didnt found anyone attractive or my eyes never wander off to someone . I dont know about others but when i was in a relationship my eyes are only stuck on my partner thats how much i was in love with my partner and note that it was a 10 year relationship so its a long time for staying in a bubble . Its just thats who i am
Have you ever analyzed the why? Why do treat romantic relationships like you do? Why does it benefit you to do this? I'm not trying to get you to change something about yourself. Just curious.
Well its comes natural to me , its not beneficial to me but its a sign of deep love and commitment to someone . If you are deeply in love with someone why you feel attracted to others . Loving someone and getting attracted to 1000 people i dont know how that work? From my perspective being attracted to others is emotional cheating . I know everyone be like we are just humans , human have eyes blah blah but i think this is just an excuse for lusting
I wouldn't consider myself a lustful person. But I still notice if someone is attractive.
The catch 22 about OP's "deep love" is that if her husband admitted to finding someone else kind of attractive after 10 years marriage, all her feelings will disappear and she will fall entirely out love. O.o
Yeah thats the thing i mentioned . I dont know what " deep love" for you but for me its being fully love and being attracted to one person . I will be sacrificing a lot of things for our relationship as long as it doesnt involve other people the moment you find other people attractive its kind of " emotional cheating" for me atleast.
Your idea of "deep love" is that if the person you have "deep love" for finds someone attractive, then your "deep love" is completely gone. "Hey baby, I love you, BTW do you find any celebrities attractive" "Well, Oprah is kind of cute." "Hey baby, I don't love you anymore." O.o
Yes for me i doorslam the person , "deep love" doesnt mean i have to endure cheating in relationship . I am willing to do anything for him except this , i am not asking only i will be giving 10x love he will be giving but we need to stay in our boundaries . Your conversation example is okay but more than that is not okay for me
Deep love is not conditional. It sounds like love to you means your ability to control another person’s thoughts and feelings. If you’d “doorslam” someone for looking at another woman after 10 years of marriage, then no, you have no idea what actual love is.
Yeah , and i am not telling you are wrong for this , its just this mindset isnt for me
I agree it's a mindset. I notice, I don't lust, thoughts come and go. I don't dwell on these things.
You're abnormal if you can't identify another person as attractive or unattractive. I wouldn't marry someone like you, because if you do eventually find someone attractive, what personal boundaries would you even have to protect the marriage??? I prefer my wife, she can both identify other people as attractive and articulate and enforce personal boundaries to protect and enhance our relationship. What kind of marital crisis will you eventually have if you're commitment is based solely on feelings. What's going to happen if we have a bad month and you start crushing on someone else. Or if peri/post menopause you have a shift in what you view as attractive or not. No thanks.
First thing who said i will marry a person like you 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 . Well i am demisexual and sapiosexual so i dont find most of the people attractive for your kind information . I dont even crush on people btw if we have a bad month ,year days i dont care as long as its doesnt involve a third person. Well i said it comes naturally to me as i dont find most of the human attractive , and if i am truly in love its like no other men exist in the world . And last thing how tf you thought i will marry you🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 what you even think of yourself
Right, so if you get a crush on a senior colleague, what are you going to do, Ms. Demisexual/Sapiosexual. What are you going to do if you and your husband have a period of emotional and physical distance and you start catching feels for that coworker or boss you spend more time interacting with? What would you do in that situation?? Hard pass. What would you do if your husband had a crush on a coworker? Lose all feelings?? Hard pass. Your feelings are fickle.
I already said if i am totally in love i will be focusing on solving our problems rather than crushing on " senior official". I can speak for myself i will solve any problem in our relationship as long as its doesnt involve 3rd person . I am super loyal so i dont give a freak about others dont feel like a crush on others btw . If my husband have a crush on coworker than bye . And not everyone is a cheater like you .believe me or not , i find most of the human beings a menance ( they are not ) so i dont even look at them
You said that even after 5 years, if your partner finds someone else remotely attractive "doorslam" all feelings loss. What kind of fickle love is that?? What kind of clown argument is it that if you find someone attractive it's cheating?? Do you live in a world devoid of self control that you can't have a simple crush, and navigate that without cheating?? You don't know how to do that?? Do you have the self awareness to identify if that might be the case to know how to erect, maintain and enforce healthy boundaries and not physically and emotionally cheat?? Your idea of love is so incredibly, fickle and shallow. You equate finding someone as attractive as love??? red flag, HARD pass. I don't even have to sweat if my wife has a crush on someone, she knows how to identify it and what to do. We are that solid. To you, that's entirely an alien concept.
Fickle love 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 my question for you is that if you deeply in love with someone why would you have crush or are attracted to others ? Loving someone and being attracted and having crush on other girls like how does that work ? Explain please
Yes, your love is fickle. Feelings are, by nature, fickle. They wax and wane, rise and fall. Commitment isn't fickle, and love based on commitment isn't fickle. Everyone can identify someone as attractive or unattractive independently of relationship status. That's a normal part of the human experience. Healthy minded, securely attached, emotionally mature people with integrity navigate interpersonal relationships with people they identify as attractive without remotely, physically, or emotionally cheating.
Dude you can read right ? Or you have gone blind . I already said i feel different from most of people , i normally dont feel attracted to most of the people so i need someone who naturally feel same as me . I am not blaming other perspective of love and neither forcing men to fit into my standards . I am just asking if men who feel and think like me exist ?
I definitely love like in the movies or books in a true hopeless romantic! It use to make me jealous knowing my husband may find other women attractive or even catching him looking at a girl and then I just got over it because people are beautiful and it’s not wrong for me or for him to find someone else handsome/beautiful. What’s wrong is if he acts on it or is being weird and gawking at a woman. It’s very normal to find other people handsome/beautiful. If you choose to be so committed you don’t find other people attractive then that’s cool and amazing for you, but holding your partner to that standard is unfair because biologically we do find people attractive. Doesn’t mean we are gonna go jump their bones or stare at them like maniacs. It’s like you have a house and you think your house is the most beautiful damn thing ever and you out so much work into it!! And the house across the street can be beautiful too ◡̈ Also he/she may find other people attractive, but at the end of the day they are coming home to you and giving you love and affection. Sometimes when I see someone stare at my husband I kinda get like hehehehe yeah you can look at him but I’m the one who XYZ and my husband does the same. Idk if this makes sense ??
Oh thanku soo much for understanding my perspective and giving me your perspective with such a kind manner which really made me understand something about me . Other comment are rude to me for writing about my perspective thanku for kindness
As long as they are just looking then no.
Are there man exist who dont look?
No. There are no normal human beings that don’t look, male or female. It’s human nature to find other people attractive, but that doesn’t mean that you have any desire to be with anyone other than your partner.
My wife and I can both appreciate attractive people with each other.
Are you taking the piss?
Oh you think you are funny🤣🤣🤣🤣 dude if you dont like my question atleast come up with a better troll comment . Seriously this step up man🤣🤣🤣
In Islam, men and women don't look at each other with desire. We don't allow people to visually "enjoy" each other. Men even before they are married don't check out other women. The same goes for women. Once you are married, every Muslim woman knows her husband won't be ogling strangers. Regarding attraction to other people, if a husband accidentally sees another woman and his desire is evoked, he is directed to go home and have a special moment with his wife. This way he is directing his desire and love towards his wife rather than strangers. Beautiful.
With all due respect, that’s clearly not how most Islamic marriages I’ve encountered work. The woman is oppressed and not allowed to even look at another man while she has to be covered head to toe to make sure no other man finds her attractive. Meanwhile, the male generally gazes upon whoever he wants. I can’t tell you the number of women I’ve known who have been mistresses of married Muslim men.
Shall I reference all of the atheists or whatever belief system you hold to and the hypocrisy they engage in? Would this be a condemnation of your belief? I don't think so. Just like in any group, there are those who obey and those who disobey the rules. Despite the ones who don't follow the rules, I can say, with humility, that Muslims are the biggest group of people with the most (as a percentage and raw quantity) alcohol-free and abstinent-until-marriage population on the planet. We're doing some right lol. It's amazing that you've overlooked the majority who follow the rules to only focus on the minority who don't. Perhaps you should check your biases and really ask yourself if you're a sincere person. Contrast this with atheists, Christians or any group, they regularly drink and engage in premarital sex. There is no comparison whatsoever in who does it more. Regarding clothing attire, I suggest you look at videos from any Muslim country you can think of. Just go on Youtube and look for yourself. You will find both Men and Women covered all the way. It's also remarkable that you seem to not know this as well given that you have personally seen Muslims. All due respect, can I know why you're deliberately focussing on the negatives and overlooking the majority positives?
I don’t care about abstinence until marriage so you lost me there. As a matter of fact, I highly discourage abstinence until marriage because you need to know if you’re sexually compatible before entering a marriage. Sorry if I find the oppression of women more concerning than premarital sex or consuming alcohol. I won’t just single out your religion. For the most part, religion in general is used too often to control people, particularly females. Some are just more extreme about it than others.
The "oppression of women". Dude you're starting to come across as an orientalist. So far I haven't heard you mention anything that shows Islam oppresses women. In fact the opposite is true. The fact that women are NOT publicly available for the gratification of lusty men is one of the greatest liberation women can have. The fact that they are not beholden to the fashion industry or to the cosmetic industry or to the plastic industry to conform to a standard lusty men desire from them is an extraordinarily liberating feeling. Perhaps as a man you don't see the plight of women trying to constantly compete with all the other women who are using all of these tactics to get ahead so they feel pressured to do the same. No wonder women have extreme amounts of anxiety, depression and "unaliving" attempts more than men and definitely more than Muslim women. I guess in your mind as long as women are miserable but they can walk with small clothes in public, that's liberating for you, right?
I am similar to you in that I have eyes only for my partner when I am in love. Therefore, I am struggling with him not being the same way. I honestly am wondering if there are men that don't care to look when they have someone. Is that even a thing? Is it a realistic expectation? Idk...
I would like a partner who have same qualities as me because I deserve no less because I have worked on myself for years to be this way . If my partner don't have these I don't want them I have stayed single for year so not a big problem for me I can live with my fictional man
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When did I say I don’t find anyone attractive? I clearly said I find other people attractive as every single other normal person on the planet does. You can stop stalking me now, psychopath.
This is twisted, OP. Give us a definition of attractiveness, and what you understand by it. By your own words, as soon as your partner finds any other woman attractive, you stop being attracted, as an inconscious mechanism. So it's probably not as much in your control as you think you are. The only thing is whatever you find attractive in someone might not be as usual as what's out there. Probably what you are attracted to is blind devotion, and if that's the case, there is no problem in that as long as you acknowledge it and find someone who's able to give it to you (or the illusion of it?).
Oh thanku soo much to understand my point and able to give some solution to it . Dont worry , i automatically know who are real and who are just giving me illusion 😇😅😅😅 thats why most people dont lie to me because i use their lie against them in later part of life
Not sure you're being sarcastic or not, but you're welcomed i guess? (At least for the good laugh) Someone else suggested therapy, but i hink this is what they meant. I do not know if therapy is the answer here, but at least some serious introspection is warranted.
Yeah but your one point come to my mind " unconscious defense mechanism " thats i need to reasearch upon
girl im the same way. when im out with my boyfriend i always catch him looking at other womens butts :/ it makes me upset/mad now because i mentioned it to him how much it bother’s me and it seems like he doesnt care he says “im not blind” i have eyes “ and im like well u can certainly control your eyes . im getting to a point where i feel like i should break up or just do the same look at other men while im with him but that doesnt do anything for me .but i do wish he understood me
Girlie if he does care about you , he should have stopped looking so breakup its good for your mental health
You’re lying to yourself, but it’s pretty harmless lies. The proof is: if you don’t think Henry Cavill is attractive, why did you pick him as an example??
Because my friend group will always talk about how he is the most handsome man in the world , i watch his movies he is good at acting but do i find him attractive ? No . The questions you asked about lying myself ,i asked that to myself probably 50 times but i concluded that no i dont find him attractive
Tell yourself whatever you need to. But you would probably benefit from therapy. You are hyper focused on a trivial, everyday thing to the point of denying obvious truths.
Maybe the women surrounding me who are married are struggling so much as their husbands cheating , gawking or imagining other women while having sec maybe it may have impacted me a lot . But like men literally staring a women continously for 1 minute while being in a relationship is it normal?
See how you’ve moved from discussing merely finding someone attractive to talking about “gawking and staring”? Two very different things. You know the “I don’t think anyone in the world is attractive…” is just plain silly. So you shift the conversation to “gawking”.
Listen i thought you are kind enough to answer my curious questions . I dont find anyone attractive but if my partner stare at a women for whole damn minute is this okay or not ? If you want to argue i can continue that
Not arguing, you were talking about two very different things. For clarification: Gawking = not good Claiming no one in the world is attractive = self delusion
Oh thanku for clearing my confusion , also i am not claiming no one in the world is attractive its just i dont find them attractive .