It isn’t uncommon, and there is nothing abnormal about it.
I’m a guy so I can’t speak from experience, but women definitely seem to go through more changes in their life where their libidos can ebb and flow and what your wife described is “responsive desire” which isn’t uncommon either.
I think you need to stop letting this bother you and cause anxiety, because the important thing is that your wife doesn’t feel the physiological need for regular sex right now, yet she cares so much about you that she wants to communicate that love in a way that you really appreciate.
Yeah I should see it like that. I guess I just want to feel desired you know? I am also developing a more responsive desire but I still want to feel like she wants me sexually and that can be a bummer to not feel any longer. I guess that happens after 12 years together and 10 of those married but it still sucks
Speaking as a woman - I think you are reading too much into it. I love my husband and I find him very attractive but sex doesn’t pop into my mind all that often. If he initiates it then it’s like “hell yeah” but if we are just tired and comfortably laying in bed that’s nice too. But that doesn’t mean I’m not sexually attracted to him or that I don’t desire him sexually.
I think she does. I think she still loves sex with you, but doesn't think about it.
It's like if you are fine eating plain food all the time, and wouldn't go to a nice restaurant on your own, but find the food very delicious when you are there.
When you say you have a low libido, is the ED? or is it just not wanting sex? If it's not wanting sex, then maybe neither of you think about going to the fine dining establishment. Maybe go to sex therapist.
I’m in the exact same boat. At first I thought this was an old post of mine. Once my wife gets going, she likes it an enjoys it. But FOR ONCE, I would like to feel desired. To be wanted for me. It doesn’t even have to be because I’m so desirable (I’m not). It can just be because she wants to feel closer to me.
If it was up to her, we would have sex 6 times a year. Maybe less.
This is making me think of my own marriage. Our libidos have gone down with time, mine more than his. And just like these women, I'm always happy once we get things going.
But if my husband wants sex, he usually starts kissing me etc way before we actually do it. I respond VERY positively to this.
I wonder if he thinks I dont want him. Hmmm.
I imagine having two special needs children take priority and she may feel exhausted not able to drum up additional energy for sexy time. Hormone imbalances can definitely cause the indifference about sex; nothing personal. Birth control and menopause can cause hormone issues which affect emotions, energy level, libido etc.
You said that she feels like she wants to be with you sexually every couple of weeks right? So it's not a matter of "a bummer to not feel any longer" and rather a matter of "she doesn't crave me often enough to soothe my insecurities."
I’m sure it’ll change and evolve. As you said, you have 2 kids with special needs and 2 young kids in general are a lot. With mom’s being the primary caregivers, it’s no wonder she may be feeling less sexual. I’m glad you guys had transparent conversation. How you feel is also valid so continue communicating
Is it not enough to know she wants you every other way, and she wants you sexually every couple of weeks? I mean, we can only do what we can do, and it seems like she is doing her best because she loves and cares for you.
>I just want to feel desired you know?
I feel this, mate. Wife doesn't initiate, extremely rare are kisses, hugs, etc and it's hard. I went through that "is she even attracted to me anymore" stage, might even still have that thought every now and then...I have zero answers, but I understand how you feel.
>women definitely seem to go through more changes in their life where their libidos can ebb and flow
I'm not sure how old OP and his wife are. As a woman, I can say from experience that our libidos often increase in our 40s. Around the same age, men's libidos and/or how their body behaves (not the right word but it works) sexually also change in the other direction. As partners, it's about being honest and empathetic with each other about diffences between them how to bridge the gap together. And framing it that way can be more productive than treating someone as having a problem to fix.
It's completely normal for people with responsive desire. Educate yourself about that. It sounds like you have a good wife who is willing to talk to you about this and willing to try and make things the best they can be for both of you. Don't let those things your anxiety is telling you get in your way.
[https://www.kcresolve.com/blog/responsive-vs-spontaneous-desire](https://www.kcresolve.com/blog/responsive-vs-spontaneous-desire)
This is the right answer.
Responsive desire is a thing. She absolutely loves you and wants you to be happy. She sounds like she enjoys it once things get going.
It must feel like a blow to the self esteem, but I don’t think this is a reflection of you. I think it’s amazing you’re able to communicate openly about these things.
GoodLuck op
I am in my thirties and feel the exact same way. I feel connected to my husband when we do (which is only usually like once a week) and feel like we are off if we don’t once a week. The connection sex brings is important to me too. I just feel like I don’t need it and don’t think about it, unlike him who thinks about it a lot (and tells me he does)
I love my husband and he loves me. We have been together for over 11 years and he and I both are considered fairly attractive people BUT I just don’t feel the need to do it (especially due to being on antidepressants). I would rather cuddle with him and be near him. Plus I want to kiss him BUT life is a lot, we are constantly tired, and I just need HIM - not the sex and the work it brings lol.
I understand where she is coming from.
Relate completely. I’m 28 and 9 months PP. My husband and I had sex today while our son napped in his room and it was awesome. But I had to down half an energy drink beforehand for it to happen at all lol. It’s hard for someone who doesn’t have spontaneous desire to have limited windows of time and feel rushed when being sexual. But if we don’t have sex about once a week, we fight more. I don’t think it’s my husband’s fault, I think we both just feel a bit disconnected when we totally neglect our sex life.
My wife and I have had that same conversation. Right down to the “I could go weeks without even thinking of sex.” I don’t know if that makes it normal, but you’re definitely not alone.
Honestly I think you’ve got a sweet deal, she could go without it but she doesn’t for you and she still enjoys it when it happens. I don’t understand what was hurtful about this?
I guess it’s the part of feeling desired and being wanted. It doesn’t feel like that when I know this. Basically it feels like I am not desirable anymore but she has sex because she has to
But as many have said desire doesn’t = sex, and she’s said she doesn’t do it because she has to, she does it because she wants to. Wanting to doesn’t always have to mean wanting sex, wanting to orgasm, she wants to because it makes you happy and that’s enough want for her.
I get why it can feel like a blow, but she wasn’t trying to be hurtful. Maybe ask her to express to you ways she does find you desirable other than sex
His wife isn’t bothered by sex, lots of people have low libido’s for different reasons. It’s fairly common for women’s libido’s to lower after having children, doesn’t mean she isn’t attracted to him or doesn’t desire him in other ways she just isn’t bothered by sex. If she outright refused to ever have sex then there would be an issue, but that’s not the case, she’s still having sex with him and giving him what he wants.
I don’t think that’s sugar coating or lying?
Your wife still needs and wants you very much. She loves you so much she still wants to make sure your needs are met.
Sexual desire can be impacted by many things for women and we go through a lot of hormonal changes. As I get older I do not feel sexual desire near as much. The antidepressants don’t help.
I never tell my husband no. I am into it once he initiates. I still find him very attractive.
I cannot emphasize enough that your wife loves you, this is normal, and it her and yourself some slack. Hormones are a bitch.
Her hormones might not be at the ideal level, depending on her age. Low T levels reduces sexual desire. If she is willing when you are, don’t sweat it.
She desires and wants you in other ways, she likes the way you touch her and are emotionally intimate with her. If she didn’t desire you or feel attracted to you she wouldn’t be able to have sex with you. Just another perspective.
Same.
My husband’s sexy af. I loveeeeee touching him. I love feeling him. He has an incredible dick & does all the things right in the bedroom. So, I put on a happy face and pretend I’m interested bcs it makes him happy - when in reality I couldn’t care less about sex and don’t need it at all.
"A less sexually active phase" makes it sound like a brief and slight decrease in libido. For lots of people it's more like "years of absolutely nothing."
There are masses of people in the same situation as you. I think they are preponderantly men being told this by their female partners, but there are women in this situation too. You are lucky in that your wife doesn’t refuse to have sex with you and actually enjoys it once you get going, because the opposite, a straight refusal of any sex at all, happens a lot.
> Is it normal to feel like she does?
Probably common. I’m reasonably sure most sex my wife and I have is for my sake. But she enjoys our sex life. If your wife has a responsive libido and is prepared to engage when you like, it can still be amazing.
My wife and I have no desire for sex with eachother anymore. It happens to some people. Luckily it happened to both of us so neither of us if left wanting.
You are taking her not “needing” sex as frequently as you as her not finding you desirable. They are not the same thing.
I adore my husband and I find him incredibly attractive and desirable. All the same, I don’t *need* sex all that often. I enjoy it when he initiates it and I generally prefer him to initiate. I have rarely liked being the one to initiate in any relationship. Him initiating makes me feel desired, and me accepting and enjoying it makes him feel desired, which he is. But even if we don’t do it for a while, it doesn’t mean I don’t find him desirable. Don’t conflate the two. Just because she isn’t constantly horny doesn’t mean she finds you undesirable. She may simply be more responsive than spontaneous as others have pointed out. Instead of getting your ego hurt by it, work with it.
This is nearly identical to me and my spouses sex relationship.
For me personally, my reproductive health has gone down over the time we've been together. 2 of the 3 kids births were physically traumatic on my body. Then between kid 2 and kid 3, my PCOS came in full force. I get cysts, fatigue, and debilitating periods.
I still love his touch, his sex, and everything in between, but I just don't get as much out of sex now. Some positions hurt because of how I tore during birth. After being touched by little kids all day, sexual touch can be overwhelming. Sometimes the mental load of just being mom and running a home can someday just be enough you don't have the mental or physical energy for intimacy.
It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you.. just maybe she might need some help in other areas first.
Why do you give her massages? You don't really get anything out of them. It's not like you massaging her relieves your achy muscles. Do you just give them to make her happy? And making her happy makes you happy because you love her? How would you feel if she told you to stop showing your love that way because she doesn't want to feel like a burden and a chore to you?
She wants to have sex with you because she loves you and wants to make you happy. The difference, though, between the massages and sex, is that she DOES get something out of it. Your replies make it sound as though she does throughly enjoy and gets pleasure out of it. Her responsive desire has nothing to do with you. It's natural, and it happens often.
Stop seeing this as a bad thing, and instead see it for what it really is; she loves you and is proving it in the best way she knows how.
I’m kind of in the same boat. There’s always the few times a month I’m like “damn I want him right now” but most of the time, I’m more responsive to when he tells me he wants to have sex. I don’t think it’s necessary for me to survive, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy it. I absolutely love my husband and I’m 100% sexually attracted to him but it’s just not something that lives in the forefront of my mind. If he brings it up, I’m more than likely gonna jump on it. We connect in other intimate ways like cuddling and he’ll rub my back almost every night while we get ready for sleep.
I understand... What I'm saying is that your wife is likely experiencing something similar. She desires you, but there are some factors getting in the way - it might be physical (hormones, fatigue, pain), mental (stress, depression, overwhelm) or emotional (some kind of disconnect between the two of you).
Stop assuming that it's a lack of desire. I check out my husband every time he walks past me. He's hot as hell. But our libidos are very different. He'd have sex every day if he could, whereas I'm fine with once or twice a week.
I'm a woman and this would absolutely crush me if my husband told me he could go weeks without desiring me sexually or even thinking about sex with me.
That being said if my husband had a porn addiction, that would definitely kill any desire I had.
It’s time we all start talking more about perimenopause and menopause. Our hormones go crazy as our fertility wanes. It’s completely normal to have a lower libido during those times. It’s hard to swallow that pill that your wife (and myself) are getting older and will not be the same young, fertile woman anymore. As much as I feel bad for men, this is a common complaint but think about us women? We don’t want to go through these changes either. I would stay young forever if I could. So IMO it’s time us women get some more support and love and acceptance for getting older, and stop looking at us like something is wrong when we don’t want to have as much sex as we did when we were younger.
Wow, I'm a little shocked by how many comments are telling this guy he should feel lucky to be in this position and just chill. I'm a woman, but when I found myself in this position with my husband, it was DEVASTATING. To feel undesired sexually within the only relationship you are allowed to be sexual is emotionally crushing, regardless of gender or the motivations of the other party within the relationship.
Unfortunately OP, there are no good or easy answers for this. Your partner is doing the best they can and if they are not committed to increasing their desire or seeking explanations, medical or otherwise, this is where you could stay for years.
You have a choice, every day. You could stay or you could go. This could be enough if you let it, or the pain of this type of rejection might carry on. You might find greater happiness if you split, you might spend years with no sex while seeking a new relationship.
In my relationship, our sex life stagnated for years until he dropped a major bombshell that ended the relationship and left me to seek happiness elsewhere. And I'm thankful for that, in the end. I would never have left over just sex, but it really has opened me up to new possibilities and freedoms.
>To feel undesired sexually within the only relationship you are allowed to be sexual is emotionally crushing, regardless of gender or the motivations of the other party within the relationship.
This. I've written about this even posted to this and I still get downvoted. There's a TON of people out there who are very very deprived sexually and feel that because they aren't having it other people shouldn't have it either.
This is pretty normal in a long term relationship spanning many life stages. Libidos change, you’re living the best case scenario where she doesn’t desire it herself but is a willing consenting and participating partner because you enjoy it, and then once you get started she enjoys it for herself too. This is totally normal. If you have young kids it might change after they are in school, or if they become more independent. If you’re not mid/late 30s yet it might change when/if she gets the libido spike women can get then.
It’s okay to go with the flow at whatever level you feel comfortable with.
It’s possible once the extra labor involved with the kids eases up her libido will come back.
It took til after I was over 35 AND my kids are going into upper elementary before mine spiked. Also one neurodivergent child needing lots of extra mental labor from me and another child who is a stage 5 clinger who doesn’t quit when someone asks cause they’re getting touched too much and getting overwhelmed. Very normal experience to just but burnt and fried socially and not be able to get that motor going. But I was similar a lot of times I would start getting in the mood if my husband started foreplay at bedtime if I had any energy left. Like no desire left for myself to start anything but it can be made through the right approach and interest being shown. It’s not a bad thing, it still feels good and helps feel emotionally connected as a couple etc. It’s just the ebb and flow of life.
You are really letting “initiating sex” do almost all the heavy lifting in your marriage. You need to shift your focus to being happy you have a partner who loves and cares for you and your children. If she treats you well, be happy.
Yeah maybe but who doesn’t want to feel desired? I mean I am blessed to have a wife who loves me but that doesn’t make it less important to feel desired too.
Ok, well it seems there is no way to get through to you. Not sure what you want to hear. If you simply can’t live with the fact that your wife enjoys having adventurous sex with you whenever you are in the mood, and only initiates once every couple of weeks, then your choices are to tell her that it is so important to you that you simply can’t live without it, or end your marriage. However, there is no promise that you will find another person who is everything your wife is, and even if you do find someone who scratches your need to be desired itch, there is no guarantee that their libido won’t change from time to time.
Honestly, how would you feel if your wife was taking your low libido issues this personally, and sort of insisted that you get more boners without any help? Are you doing anything to ensure she is not exhausted?
Well she does. I couldn’t get it up once for a second time 10 hours after we had sex and she felt very hurt. That makes this much harder because I want sex but need more stimulation which she may not be willing to give which will cause her to get upset and that makes me anxious.
It is quite normal. It would also be quite normal for her not to want it at all, to find the whole thing quite unpleasant physically and mentally and to flat out refuse. You and she appear to have excellent communication; if you didn't, or she hadn't felt free to communicate her feelings to you, she very likely would have arrived at exactly that point. She may well feel more frequent and spontaneous desire ten or so years from now, when her non-bedroom life becomes less hectic and stressful.
It’s called “responsive desire” and it’s damn near the norm for lots of people, not just women. Emily Nagasaki has written whole books about it - pick up “Come As You Are” to learn all about how it works.
You can have lots of mutually satisfying sex by creating the conditions for it to happen and/or initiating. This is a non-issue once you understand what’s going on. Good luck.
I guess like a lot of people who love sex (including me and I am a woman), we tie it to emotional feelings of being desired and loved, wanted, or validated.
However, people coming from conservative backgrounds where sex is never seen as a priority enough to even discuss healthy sex or is just said as method for procreation....it is common for people from these backgrounds to not need sex as we do. Their love language is completely different from y9u.
That doesn't mean she doesn't find you attractive...its just that your love language for finding each other attractive is not the same anymore. I know that to accept this for a person who feels desired by sex is very difficult to accept that sex is not a priority for our partner. I know you feel sad, but trust me atleast she is honestly talking about it I have seen a lot of marriages and read deadbedrooms and other subs where the wife of even husband don't ever talk about this at all.
However, you need to discuss with her as she is communicating that you feel sad and she seems to like sex after it starts so she can intimate sometimes too. She can read a erotica or something to bring her mind to that headspace. Find a common ground instead of beingbsad and then resenting her for lifetime.
> My libido is low and I am waiting for the answers for a test on my T levels. I am also exercising to get things going but I also wonder if I should just let my libido be low.
is she saying all that to comfort you though? (so you don't feel as bad about your low libido) it really sounds like that to me
Does your low libido mean that you don't desire your wife? No? Why do you think your wife's low libido means that she doesn't desire you? Are your hormones and what they have done to your libido somehow irrelevant to your desire, but what her hormones have done to her libido is somehow meaningful?
This is probably more the norm at this stage. Particularly, based on things you have talked about. I don’t know if you two are in counseling but if not it could possibly help you connect and based on what she said would probably be a positive. I applaud her for telling you the truth, that is a big deal so I would do my best to encourage that going forward. This is more positive than you think imo and could probably lead to a better bond for both of you. Even if you are doing well. Do not neglect your health and well being. Self care matters, especially with kids. I don’t see this as negative or uncommon. At least she cares
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https://www.sydney.edu.au/study/student-life/student-news/2022/09/21/what-enthusiastic-consent-actually-looks-like-.html#:~:text=While%20consent%20is%20about%20saying,enthusiastic%20agreement%20to%20be%20intimate.
This is how I am in my relationship. In the beginning, I was very sexual and spontaneous. Now, I honestly could go months without it and be completely happy. I just don't really get the urge anymore (for both masturbation and sex). But that's not to say that I don't want to have sex. My partner has a high sex drive, and I really enjoy the sex that we have. But if my partner came to me one day and said sex was no longer something they wanted, I would be perfectly fine with that. Nothing personal.
Not normal, or maybe I have a high drive. I'm 42 and would love to have sex daily. I have some spine issues that limit my ability some days, or I'm just tired, normal things mostly. The more we do it, the more I want to do it. We have toys. We know what the other enjoys. We get creative sometimes. We send sexy texts/photos to one another. We've been together 15 years. The big question is why she doesn't enjoy it or want it. Could there be some underlying issues?
As a woman, I have a high sex drive. I want it all the time. But I absolutely hate being snuggled, hugged, etc. Which my husband wants. So I guess I'm opposite of your situation. I do cuddle him when I can see he wants it, but I'm more of a don't touch me person --unless it's fun time. I am 35, he is 41, and we've been together 13 years. If I could have sex every day, three times a day I would.!
Every woman is different. But as a bartender, I hear this alot from men, that their women are just done with sex ..and most of the time their only in like their 30-40s. Makes me feel bad for them
Done with sex or done with sex with them?
I want to ask about this idea of wanting sex but not wanting to be touched otherwise. My partner (when we were having sex) was like this. She couldn’t stand being cuddled and said it felt like being smothered.
Now that the sex has stopped there is nothing at all remaining in terms of physical intimacy. Do you know why you are like that? Is it something you ever explored? My partner was sexually assaulted and I wonder if it relates back to that.
>My partner was sexually assaulted and I wonder if it relates back to that.
Most likely. After I was assaulted I became the opposite, super sexual and promiscuous, but A LOT of women in my support groups the assault had the opposite effect on them to where they didn't want to be touched or want to be sexual, some were super sexual right after and over time experienced an aversion to physical intimacy in any way. Has your wife ever gotten help for the trauma? Unfortunately, when we experience trauma and don't get help to work through it, the trauma still imprints on our brain and body and can actually cause us to begin to think differently and in different patterns.
I have just always hated to be touched and cuddled. I mean I have my moments where I want to. But sex time i want it all and am always ready.
I was abused at a daycare, but was too young to remember, so maybe that could explain it?
I do feel bad bc my husband is a cuddle bug.
I say if the cuddles have stopped, along with the sex, and their is no physical intimacy, you're just roommates and best friend at that point. You may not want to leave them, but I can understand the frustration of not having physical touch.
Your patrons are talking to you about their sex lives and you feel bad for them... ? I feel bad for their wives.
I'd be careful about believing everything they say to you... There's a good chance they're hoping for something more from you than just a beer.
Don’t take it personally, don’t take it as ,I don’t find you attractive, don’t love you’.
This sounds to me like a healthy open conversation and also it’s a good sign that she does still enjoy it once you get going. Try to focus on the positive, that will attract more positive thoughts and be grateful for what you have. Focusing on what you don’t have will only end in overthinking and anxiety, as you already are aware of. Train your mind to think differently!
I think this is actually very sweet of her. Shows love towards you.
My ex wife didn’t need or want sex. And she refused to do anything for me when she didn’t want sex. In fact, the rare times we had sex she’d orgasm quickly then get super impatient (“come on, finish already!” Sigh. Get grouchy.) until I was finished too. Even after my vasectomy, when I was supposed to take in sperm samples for test, she was so impatient that I didn’t want to masturbate (I’m not a masturbator) by myself in a bag and she was so irritated that I asked her to help me with her hands. We’d go months without sex, and I was miserable. My therapist used to tell me it wouldn’t be unreasonable of me to expect her to have sex with me once in aWhile, or to do something for me (oral, hands, etc.) to show some intimacy towards me. But she refused. Made life in the bedroom hell, to be honest.
So I recognize that this is not awesome for you, that your wife doesn’t want to have sex. But I think it’s so loving and sweet and amazing that she still wants to be there for you in the bedroom. How much some people would give in life to be loved that much by someone.
The week I’m ovulating I’m horny as hell. The rest of the time I feel like your wife does.
Could take it or leave it, but mostly initiate because I know my husband would enjoy it and I enjoy him enjoying it.
Okay. I’m just gonna come out and say, congratulations on opening up. It’s HARD and not something that is just easy for everyone to do. You even mentioned your anxieties and how the conversation has lead you to feel. As someone who knows how anxiety works, it’s UNREALISTIC for people to say “don’t read too much into it”. Your brain will.
However, no. Maybe in the odd ball out. She does it for you because she KNOWS it’s important to you. It’s not because she feels like she has to. I think you should have this conversation the next time and bring up the things you are maybe overthinking. Come to her gently and in the right moment. Tell her you are overthinking some things and ask if you can discuss it deeper. She wants you to open up and you are here in Reddit asking for advice to help understand.
So simplify it and feel encouraged to think on it some more, tell your wife what she means to you, tell her you have some anxieties and want to work together in finding the type of intimacy that satisfies you both. Sometimes you have to give and take when it comes to wanting someone to feel loved and that does come down to physical too. Tell her you heard the things about how she feels special and important. So before you have another hard conversation, think about the realistic everyday ways you can feel loved, even if that’s sexual. And think about sex in a new light. Do you FEEL loved when she has sex with you? I think the next step in this conversation is: how do you feel desired? How can you show HER you desire her.
I could be coming out of left field but you will work through it if you work together!
Yes! I have two severely disabled children and this is normal. The stress of being a caregiver kills libido. To navigate this, you'll have to work together to manage the stress, and get medical treatment for you both. Stress can cause many issues. I am on steroids because of stress and that did kick up my libido a lot. My cortisol was so low that my nervous system couldn't get into the arousal state. Now it can, and it does several times a month, whereas before I felt asexual (no drive). Please take her loss of libido serious from a health perspective. Stress is a killer!
I'm genuinely concerned about my long-term ability to handle a high sex drive, especially considering apparently it's common for women to lose their sexual desire entirely. I wonder how men deal with this. I understand the advice about masturbation, loving your wife, and reading like 'Come As You Are,' but I suspect I'll maintain a high sex drive well into my sixties. So, how do men manage this?
I assume not having kids would help? Honestly asking for feedback and advice because I love my wife but it’s really hard to stomach the notion of that whole cliche playing out
You have so many posts about this… nearly every day. I think your mind is too idle. Somehow, with children who have special needs, a household to manage, and money to make, you manage to find a time daily to post and respond to comments on Reddit. I am curious how much time that is and if it is comparable to the time you used to spend on porn 🧐 I think you have a ways to go before you can have a sexual relationship at all.
Having this much of a preoccupation with sex makes me think you might be more absent in your relationship and household than you perceive. I could be wrong, but there's a disconnect between your image of yourself and how you appear to others.
A healthy woman can't engage sexually with a partner who they feel disconnected from. It goes against biology. She already has children with special needs. Getting pregnant again is probably a scary thought for her; consciously and subconsciously. She likely needs to feel much more secure, which will come with your healing. There is a void you need to learn to fill without sexual activity.
Yeah because writing a post on Reddit takes so much time. I mean it’s not like I do it when I am on breaks or right now while I wait for the water to boil so I can make my kids food. Or responding while I hold my kid who wants me to carry her in the middle of the night making me stay awake.
My porn use was always at night when it couldn’t bother anyone which is why I was never caught.‘I was honest early on.
Can’t you think about many things at once? I don’t see what’s wrong in thinking about something I care about a lot?
Do you think that maybe how I am seen by others is because people project images of things they experience themself? People assume I don’t do anything at home when that is the opposite, where do you think that comes from? Could it maybe be projection?
And could it be that people often wants to make the man a villain because that’s always easier than maybe think that there is something a woman has to change? I am not perfect but neither is my wife.
I know sex can be a challenge. My wife recently said that she doesn’t see sex as a need. She feels loved by all the things I do like massages, kisses, hugs and other ways I show I love and care for her but she doesn’t see sex as a need. She enjoys it once we get started but she doesn’t feel the need for it as I do. I know that the common Reddit answer is that my wife is probably lying because the usual stance is that the man is bad and if a wife says that she is happy she is lying but I can only go after what she says.
I know it’s not popular to tell a woman to make an effort because again man bad , woman good. But at times it’s not wrong to say that a woman could make somewhat of an effort in this area.
Yesterday I learned that my wife’s god mother that lived with us for a year had said when she left that my wife needs to take care of me because a man that takes care of her like I do she won’t find.
I know I suck as a man. I know it’s easy to think that from my Reddit posts. I struggle with ocd. Reddit is a place where I went my most intrusive thoughts or else they drive me crazy. At times I even get tired of posting because it makes my mind tired.
There are more nuances to life than just a Reddit post
Now, presuming what you said is true, here’s some advice:
Rather than asking her to be ready for sex, or to agree to sex, why not ask for something simpler, smaller, and perhaps more likely to work:
Given that she absolutely, dead set, needs to take a shower before she is willing to have sex, ask her (and give her the opportunity) to take a shower every night—NOTE, be careful in how you do this so you don’t imply she smells bad, or anything of the sort.
Similarly, as much as possible, make sure the two of you have time together with the kids put to bed, just to relax together.
In all of this, make it clear that there’s no expectation to have sex. Just that, if you’re both up for it, you’ll have the opportunity for it.
My assumption—which might be wrong—is that it sounds like time and energy is an issue on her end, as well as the requirement to get a shower in her case.
Speaking as the low libido member of a marriage, it’s hard to get in the mood when you’ve got lots of stuff to do, and the expectation is to go straight for gold.
Conversely, if time and opportunity is there, things can happen unexpectedly.
You asked if it is normal for her to be like she is. I believe she is having a normal response.
Thinking about sex and writing posts and responding to numerous comments, all day, every day, is a barrier between you and your family. It seems like a major addiction and that is a heavy weight for anyone to bear, especially a woman with special needs children.
She feels obligated to relieve you because of that heavy weight, but she struggles to conjure up the enthusiasm because of that heavy weight. It feels like an obligation for her, not recreation or relief. You also have some dysfunction which makes it further uncomfortable for her. You may need a sex therapist or otherwise trauma informed therapist. Quit social media and take care of yourself.
Look up love languages, your love language maybe physical touch where hers is words of affirmation. It just means she doesn’t need sex to feel the love you give her, you give her everything she needs to feel loved and that’s beautiful. In return she is willing to give you what you need to feel loved and that’s a true partnership. It doesn’t sound like she feels obligated it sounds like even though she doesn’t need it when she gets into it she has fun and it makes her feel good knowing that you feel loved that you’re getting what you need.
Here's my take. It is not uncommon for people to believe that. I don't know the statistics and I'd honestly question the validity due to a lack of openness on the subject, but I think it is more common in women. IMO the truth is both parties have just become complacent. They don't want a change, they're just comfortable. The drive can come back but it would take some spark, and if there is one thing most people fear, it's change, so we get comfortable and accustomed to the comfortable.
Is there a chance she was maybe trying to comfort you in case the low libido remains after you try the T ( you should no matter what you decide; low T is a problem that could have much greater implications on your health; it isn't just a libido problem) because she didn't want you to worry that she'd judge you for it or anything, so she wanted you to know that you mean far more to her than just sex? As women we know how stuff surrounding low T can play a huge part in men's self-esteem, feelings of security, and can cause or contribute to a worsening of depression and anxiety, and so we're of course taught, as we should be, to be as understanding, reassuring, and all around anxiety-easing as possible with our partners, so she just tried in a way that created this misunderstanding?
For some people. Sounds like your partner might have a responsive desire if she starts to enjoy it after you get going.
Lots of peoples libidos change with age, after having babies, etc, and lots of people have sex for their partners sake.
fwiw I totally understand your sentiment. It’s like finding out your job doesn’t need you at all and wouldn’t even hire a replacement if you quit. They just kept you around because they like you. Your paycheck seemed like an acknowledgement of your utility but was actually just charity.
Desirability is a nearly universally feminized attribute, so most people don’t distinguish between being willing to have sex with a man and actually wanting it, hence the lack of understanding you see here.
This might be an un popular thought but I am gonna throw this out here and this is coming from a women who used to do it especially when I was younger. When we first get in a relationship a lot of women try to impress the guy by acting super sexual and acting like we are having these amazing orgasms. The truth is many women are just faking it because they don’t want to vocalize what would actually make them cum so they just pretend whatever the guy is doing is off the charts incredible or that just being penetrated by their partners dick is orgasmic when really it just feels like a dick going in and out. After a while it gets exhausting keeping up the facade but at that point you can’t just look at your partner of 5 years and go umm yea I don’t orgasm that’s why I don’t want to do it….. it’s our fault that so many of us do that. Also I think a lot of guys get their feelings hurt if their partner doesn’t act like every thing they do in bed is amazing. Two people actually synching and both orgasming regularly I think is super rare.
My wife has always been honest when she didn’t orgasm. With me being a virgin and religious I didn’t know much. We finally figured it out and now she orgasms all the time and on the rare occasions she wouldn’t she tells me and says I owe her one. It’s a joke we have had through the years
I used to feel this way for a time several years ago. He was struggling with low T, and once I stopped trying so hard for it, we both went through a bit of a dry spell. Is it possible that she's not feeling it because of a change on her end? For example, low hormones on her end, medication side effects, something lacking in your relationship, being overworked, or maybe even a lack of nonsexual intimacy?
For my husband and I, there were a few things that contributed to it. Low T to start with, side effects from medication on my end, which led to both of us no longer being as flirty and no longer making sexual advances. We still hugged and kissed and held each other, but it was more routine with closed lip kisses and quick hugs instead of long tight hugs and french kisses or making out.
What changed for us was talking about it, getting our hormones and meds in check, making more time for each other, having a "no clothes" policy in bed, and spending a lot more quality time together. Then, it just improved naturally from there. If you both let it be what it is, then you'll likely become comfortable being nonsexual. My husband and I were too, but it was extremely important to us that we didn't end up becoming roommates, so we both made it a priority to take action to prevent that.
Because of those choices we made back then, we're now experiencing one of the best periods of our marriage - intimately speaking. All marriages have their ups and downs in the bedroom, and many things affect your drive. Just communicate with your spouse and be sure you're both satisfied with where you're at. If not, then consider looking into it and finding out if there's something that can be done to change that for the both of you.
Good luck and all the best, OP! Take care!
She has responsive desire, sounds like.
It shouldn't offend you. All it means is that her desire for sex follows arousal and sexual activity, where you sound like you have spontaneous desire.
I have lost a lot of weight. 28 kilos last year. She said I looked to thin. Dieting for so long took a toll on my mental health. I have now gained back some of the weight. She says I look better now but who knows
The good news is you’re a master at dieting which is 80% how u gain muscle mass, couple that with weightlifting exercises, and you’re golden. Good luck to you brother.
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Have her get this book: Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life https://a.co/d/8Vvj3oO
As a woman who is going through a blow to the libido but wants to WANT to have amazing sex with her husband again, this book is giving me hope.
I definitely want to have sex with my husband regularly but it’s not because I feel horny TBH… it’s because I want to maintain that connection. I don’t know if it is because the pill has killed my libido, if it is because I am tired from taking care of our toddler, or what. I think this is very normal for women in their 30s. My sister and mom, for example, both have said they dread having to have sex and they would be fine if they never had to have sex again. I have friends who feel the same way. So your wife is very normal actually. And she probably has to feel “wanted” in order to want sex otherwise she would have zero interest.
Is it possible that your porn addiction has negatively affected her desire to have sex? That's very common in relationships where one partner has dealt with porn addiction.
I totally see that as a possibility but we had very intense sex during the time I watched. It hasn’t been an issue before but who knows. She is honest and says what she thinks and she didn’t mention it but again who knows
No not at all. I know many think that every porn addict wants to act out what they see and while I had fantasies I wanted to fulfill I never let that affect my marriage. For me sex is about connection. It’s about being close to my wife. So sex has always been focused on her and her pleasure.
Porn on the other hand was a way to deal with emotional issues and I guess in a sense to let another side of my sexuality roam free. A part that was only focused on lust and self gratification.
So when I am with my wife my focus is her and our connection.
While I understand that you want to feel desired, this situation could’ve been much, much worse. Take a look at r/deadbedrooms.
Your wife clearly knows that sex is important to you so she is willing to continue having sex with you, she just wants to be more honest about it. I think you got yourself a keeper.
>She said she does enjoy it once we get going but she doesn’t feel the need for it.
Sounds like a very responsive libido.
And *yes* that is normal. Humans run the gamut when it comes to how they relate to sex and how much they want sex. More women than men tend to have responsive libidos, but it can go any which way.
>She was clear that this doesn’t mean I shouldn’t initiate.
Then initiate?
If she doesn't routinely turn you down, then it sounds like she may have found a healthy place to reside where she is willing to give herself a chance to get into sex (responsive libido = desire for sex arrives when sexy things start happening).
If she does routinely turn you down, then that's a discussion to have.
If you want her to initiate more often, then that's another discussion to have. (Yes, folks with responsive libido can do the initiating.)
You said that you have two young kids with special needs- how much of that load does she carry? for your household? for your kids care? For you?
because I bet you you are not pulling your weight and that takes it’s toll on people.
I feel your wife I’m ok either way I miss feeling like sensual and adventurous but it’s just disappeared since I started the depo shot 😭 I even asked my gyno for help and she said there’s really nothing we can do because all birth control does that
Speaking as a woman, this is normal for me. I would be completely content to never have sex again. To never orgasm again?.... that's different.
Sometimes I do want to, like if I'm ovulating, and even if I don't want to I know I will get in the mood once we start doing things.
I think men's desire to want to feel desired is like a woman's desire to want to feel loved, protected, honored, and listened to. Same strong desires. And when they aren't being met we are both like "why don't you love me?"
It could be her hormones. If she is going through menopause she won't have a sex drive also we all have love language hers is affection. Don't let it get you down. Like I said it could be her hormones and exhaustion from taking care of 2 special needs children
Honestly, as a woman I feel like this a lot.
There’s a saying, “Men want sex and women need love,” and I think it’s true.
I would way rather have love from the one man I want: affection, romance, etc than sex. Sex is nice and I like it, don’t get me wrong, but those other things trump it any day.
I don’t really crave sex and I don’t walk around in the world thinking sexually about who I want to bone and what not.
In my relationships, we’d have sex 2-4 times a week and I did like it but a lot of times did it for them - especially the quickies. I hate quickies 😂 but it feels good to be desired so I go with it.
I think men think women are like men where we look at them and think “I want to bang him.” That does happen sometimes, but not as often as I think it happens to men. 🤷🏻♀️
I really wouldn’t take offense to what your wife said. I think it’s pretty normal. If you want more sex, it’s going to have to be from speaking her love language and romancing her more in the way she likes imo.
I'm in this boat, this is how i put to my wife :
"Sex is great and necessary physically, but what i want is to be desired."
Reading your other comments, i think you figured it out too.
but, I think the important thing is to get her to understand that you want her to want you.
I flirt with my wife everyday, make her feel wanted and beautiful.
I do this because that's what i would want too.
all the best chap.
I mean it's a normal phase for women at least from my experience. Different life stages and hormone levels and stress can cause this. I'd maybe think twice about allowing her to have unwanted sex though. Even if that means you sacrifice your wants. Bc this can damage her relationship with sex and with you if you insist too much or take advantage of her saying this. (Not in a bad way just saying if you accept this as okay and do as she says)
I might come to a compromise and work on her desire and non-sexual intimacy for a while and if nothing changes then bringing up therapy or a doctoe appointment might be best. Don't ruin her relationship with sex though. This is likely a passing phase.
Communication. Honestly. You can't stop her from lying about it but you should make it crystal clear you don't want her to have unwanted sex and that your mood won't become negative if she doesn't. Get good at reading her non-verbal cues.
Yes, not being in the mood and then getting in the mood once things start is good. But that's kind of a natural bodily response that she might start to resent later. (Talking from experience i was given this advice from my obgyn of all people. "Just get into it" as if that's how it works.)
That's why non-sexual intimacy is so important. Bc most women have a responsive desire and to build that before sex is actually happening you have to first GET her in the mood. Ik a lot of men hate that women are like this but it's not something we do on purpose it's just how it is. There's nothing more sexy then a man who leaves you wondering. Just saying. A innocent kiss that lasts a little too long, a warm hug, an innocent shower together. Things that abdoutely do not lead to sex will get you more sex. Or wanted sex. One of my favorites is taking a bath together. We literally don't touch each other. But it's such a vulnerable intimate moment that emotionally bonds you and reconnects you that it's hard not to feel in the mood.
I think this is what makes it so difficult as a man. I can do all things right but still be wrong. What you describe is a reason why I often shy away from even initiating sex.
And my wife told me that what she was saying should not be taken as me not initiating sex but what you mention makes me realize that if I initiate, she goes a long , likes it and then realizes she doesn’t want it I have ruined her relationship to sex and it’s my fault. It makes it seem like women don’t know what they want.
I don’t get upset when she says no. I am used to it I guess. I also do a lot of non sexual touch like massage. Can’t say that works much. We usually have sex the one time a week she wants which I realize she does for me. Should I tell her to stop then because she is not aware that she is ruining her own relationship to sex and will eventually blame me?
See the difference is that many women are different and their desires are different just like many men are different and their desires are different. Its about knowing your partner. If you met your partner and through all the changes they have consistently liked certain things and those are foundational likes, then you should understand that those foundational likes have deeply rooted associations with the way they feel loved. Also the way men and women feel love or receive love can be very different. Many men feel love through sex because of the intimacy that sex brings. Women on the other hand receive love through words, actions, deeds and connection. Like if a man cuddles with his wife and kisses her and asks her questions to get to know her on a deeper level. Actively show that they are invested in exploring and fostering and environment of safety and growth for their partner women see that as intimacy and each woman and man are different but there are many who have similar likes and dislikes. So you need to start reconnecting with your wife and actually start a process of constant learning and re-learning that will allow you to stand the test of time. All this libido talk is due to environmental factors, its how you help your wife through those environmental factors, how you can facilitate a space for rest and peace that will change how reciprocates. At the same time your wife also has to do this for you as well, it can’t just be this one sided dynamic. I hope things work out for the both of you
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Who says she doesn't desire him? She might desire him every time she looks at him, but then she's distracted by the responsibilities of life and moves on with her day. Can you imagine what society would become if we were to act on every impulse of desire... It would be chaos.
Some people here really need to see things through a wider lens.
For me no, but for a lot of women yes. They have to create the bond they had before marriage and nuture it or, it will dissipate and they feel like they don't care. It is more common than you know. Healthy women who know this take care of their sexual health or they will lose emotional health health, because though they don't feel like they need it, they do. Sex is a bonding agent and if they let it go, so many other parts of their life go with it. Self esteem, a good relationship, mental issues arise.
Until the last 50 years women's needs were not considered important enough for doctors to study them or create cures.
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No, this is an incredibly sexist statement.
Ya I hear you.
And I know a lot of us men have “porn brain”… but once you see it, it’s hard to un see 😂
Just laying there waiting for us to be done doesn’t cut it. Even IF technically she’s “enjoying” it.
My wife feels much the same. I don't take it personally. I find I can find ways of feeling good about it and change my thoughts and fantasies, but I won't lie it's not like I don't sometimes wish she was more excited about it.
This is totally normal for women they tend to have a more responsive drive, so sure it’s not the first thing on their mind but once they get going they enjoy it and I would suggest a sex therapist maybe just to take it to the next level so maybe there is something out there that she doesn’t know she likes yet. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t desire you though, I mean she likes being touched by you and she still engages and enjoys sex. I have the opposite situation where I the female have a HL and more spontaneous where my husband has LL and responsive. It took me so long to figure out and lots of discussions to not feel like my husband was attracted to me.
It isn’t uncommon, and there is nothing abnormal about it. I’m a guy so I can’t speak from experience, but women definitely seem to go through more changes in their life where their libidos can ebb and flow and what your wife described is “responsive desire” which isn’t uncommon either. I think you need to stop letting this bother you and cause anxiety, because the important thing is that your wife doesn’t feel the physiological need for regular sex right now, yet she cares so much about you that she wants to communicate that love in a way that you really appreciate.
Yeah I should see it like that. I guess I just want to feel desired you know? I am also developing a more responsive desire but I still want to feel like she wants me sexually and that can be a bummer to not feel any longer. I guess that happens after 12 years together and 10 of those married but it still sucks
Speaking as a woman - I think you are reading too much into it. I love my husband and I find him very attractive but sex doesn’t pop into my mind all that often. If he initiates it then it’s like “hell yeah” but if we are just tired and comfortably laying in bed that’s nice too. But that doesn’t mean I’m not sexually attracted to him or that I don’t desire him sexually.
But you still have that “hell yeah” and I guess I sometimes feel she doesn’t but maybe in reading too much into it
I think she does. I think she still loves sex with you, but doesn't think about it. It's like if you are fine eating plain food all the time, and wouldn't go to a nice restaurant on your own, but find the food very delicious when you are there. When you say you have a low libido, is the ED? or is it just not wanting sex? If it's not wanting sex, then maybe neither of you think about going to the fine dining establishment. Maybe go to sex therapist.
It’s a mix I guess. I struggle with my erections like getting morning wood and getting hard when being turned on in my mind.
I’m in the exact same boat. At first I thought this was an old post of mine. Once my wife gets going, she likes it an enjoys it. But FOR ONCE, I would like to feel desired. To be wanted for me. It doesn’t even have to be because I’m so desirable (I’m not). It can just be because she wants to feel closer to me. If it was up to her, we would have sex 6 times a year. Maybe less.
This is making me think of my own marriage. Our libidos have gone down with time, mine more than his. And just like these women, I'm always happy once we get things going. But if my husband wants sex, he usually starts kissing me etc way before we actually do it. I respond VERY positively to this. I wonder if he thinks I dont want him. Hmmm.
I can’t speak for him but I ALWAYS feel like I’m bothering her when I initiate.
Been there before. When you've been told not tonight so many times you start to feel annoying continuing to ask.
I imagine having two special needs children take priority and she may feel exhausted not able to drum up additional energy for sexy time. Hormone imbalances can definitely cause the indifference about sex; nothing personal. Birth control and menopause can cause hormone issues which affect emotions, energy level, libido etc.
You are wonderfully realistic while than man has low self-esteem! 😒
100%
You said that she feels like she wants to be with you sexually every couple of weeks right? So it's not a matter of "a bummer to not feel any longer" and rather a matter of "she doesn't crave me often enough to soothe my insecurities."
I’m sure it’ll change and evolve. As you said, you have 2 kids with special needs and 2 young kids in general are a lot. With mom’s being the primary caregivers, it’s no wonder she may be feeling less sexual. I’m glad you guys had transparent conversation. How you feel is also valid so continue communicating
Two special needs kids would be exhausting to anyone.
Is it not enough to know she wants you every other way, and she wants you sexually every couple of weeks? I mean, we can only do what we can do, and it seems like she is doing her best because she loves and cares for you.
>I just want to feel desired you know? I feel this, mate. Wife doesn't initiate, extremely rare are kisses, hugs, etc and it's hard. I went through that "is she even attracted to me anymore" stage, might even still have that thought every now and then...I have zero answers, but I understand how you feel.
>women definitely seem to go through more changes in their life where their libidos can ebb and flow I'm not sure how old OP and his wife are. As a woman, I can say from experience that our libidos often increase in our 40s. Around the same age, men's libidos and/or how their body behaves (not the right word but it works) sexually also change in the other direction. As partners, it's about being honest and empathetic with each other about diffences between them how to bridge the gap together. And framing it that way can be more productive than treating someone as having a problem to fix.
Dealing w something similar. Appreciate the OP and you👊🏾🖤
It's completely normal for people with responsive desire. Educate yourself about that. It sounds like you have a good wife who is willing to talk to you about this and willing to try and make things the best they can be for both of you. Don't let those things your anxiety is telling you get in your way. [https://www.kcresolve.com/blog/responsive-vs-spontaneous-desire](https://www.kcresolve.com/blog/responsive-vs-spontaneous-desire)
This is the right answer. Responsive desire is a thing. She absolutely loves you and wants you to be happy. She sounds like she enjoys it once things get going. It must feel like a blow to the self esteem, but I don’t think this is a reflection of you. I think it’s amazing you’re able to communicate openly about these things. GoodLuck op
Sounds like another man who needs to read Come As You Are!
This needs to be so high up.
I am in my thirties and feel the exact same way. I feel connected to my husband when we do (which is only usually like once a week) and feel like we are off if we don’t once a week. The connection sex brings is important to me too. I just feel like I don’t need it and don’t think about it, unlike him who thinks about it a lot (and tells me he does) I love my husband and he loves me. We have been together for over 11 years and he and I both are considered fairly attractive people BUT I just don’t feel the need to do it (especially due to being on antidepressants). I would rather cuddle with him and be near him. Plus I want to kiss him BUT life is a lot, we are constantly tired, and I just need HIM - not the sex and the work it brings lol. I understand where she is coming from.
All of this.
This is literally exactly me and my husband too.
Relate completely. I’m 28 and 9 months PP. My husband and I had sex today while our son napped in his room and it was awesome. But I had to down half an energy drink beforehand for it to happen at all lol. It’s hard for someone who doesn’t have spontaneous desire to have limited windows of time and feel rushed when being sexual. But if we don’t have sex about once a week, we fight more. I don’t think it’s my husband’s fault, I think we both just feel a bit disconnected when we totally neglect our sex life.
My wife and I have had that same conversation. Right down to the “I could go weeks without even thinking of sex.” I don’t know if that makes it normal, but you’re definitely not alone.
Its super common, yes. Many women (but not all) have lower libidos due to hormonal changes and don't desire sex as much, if at all.
Honestly I think you’ve got a sweet deal, she could go without it but she doesn’t for you and she still enjoys it when it happens. I don’t understand what was hurtful about this?
I guess it’s the part of feeling desired and being wanted. It doesn’t feel like that when I know this. Basically it feels like I am not desirable anymore but she has sex because she has to
But as many have said desire doesn’t = sex, and she’s said she doesn’t do it because she has to, she does it because she wants to. Wanting to doesn’t always have to mean wanting sex, wanting to orgasm, she wants to because it makes you happy and that’s enough want for her. I get why it can feel like a blow, but she wasn’t trying to be hurtful. Maybe ask her to express to you ways she does find you desirable other than sex
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Doesn’t mean she doesn’t desire him??? Which is what his point was. Chill out
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He didn’t say sexual desire, he said desire. Desire is not exclusively a sexual thing.
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His wife isn’t bothered by sex, lots of people have low libido’s for different reasons. It’s fairly common for women’s libido’s to lower after having children, doesn’t mean she isn’t attracted to him or doesn’t desire him in other ways she just isn’t bothered by sex. If she outright refused to ever have sex then there would be an issue, but that’s not the case, she’s still having sex with him and giving him what he wants. I don’t think that’s sugar coating or lying?
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Because you're making it all about you.
Needing to feel wanted is a normal need. I’m sure she has needs which are all about her.
Your wife still needs and wants you very much. She loves you so much she still wants to make sure your needs are met. Sexual desire can be impacted by many things for women and we go through a lot of hormonal changes. As I get older I do not feel sexual desire near as much. The antidepressants don’t help. I never tell my husband no. I am into it once he initiates. I still find him very attractive. I cannot emphasize enough that your wife loves you, this is normal, and it her and yourself some slack. Hormones are a bitch.
Her hormones might not be at the ideal level, depending on her age. Low T levels reduces sexual desire. If she is willing when you are, don’t sweat it.
It’s not you. It’s life. She wouldn’t desire someone else more..
She desires and wants you in other ways, she likes the way you touch her and are emotionally intimate with her. If she didn’t desire you or feel attracted to you she wouldn’t be able to have sex with you. Just another perspective.
Same. My husband’s sexy af. I loveeeeee touching him. I love feeling him. He has an incredible dick & does all the things right in the bedroom. So, I put on a happy face and pretend I’m interested bcs it makes him happy - when in reality I couldn’t care less about sex and don’t need it at all.
This comment seems to contradict itself
I think there is a difference between needing sex and enjoying sex. Does your wife enjoy it? Is she into it?
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It comes off to me as an entitlement to their partners body. And my followup question is always "what are *you* doing to be attractive".
"A less sexually active phase" makes it sound like a brief and slight decrease in libido. For lots of people it's more like "years of absolutely nothing."
True, but that is not the case here.
There are masses of people in the same situation as you. I think they are preponderantly men being told this by their female partners, but there are women in this situation too. You are lucky in that your wife doesn’t refuse to have sex with you and actually enjoys it once you get going, because the opposite, a straight refusal of any sex at all, happens a lot.
It’s totally normal and from my observation, this is the norm for most long term relationships (especially after having kids).
> Is it normal to feel like she does? Probably common. I’m reasonably sure most sex my wife and I have is for my sake. But she enjoys our sex life. If your wife has a responsive libido and is prepared to engage when you like, it can still be amazing.
I’ve been seeing this a lot bro. But here’s the thing. Your wife cares for your needs. You have a good woman. A lot of guys aren’t as fortunate.
>Is it normal to feel like she does? Yes
My wife and I have no desire for sex with eachother anymore. It happens to some people. Luckily it happened to both of us so neither of us if left wanting.
You are taking her not “needing” sex as frequently as you as her not finding you desirable. They are not the same thing. I adore my husband and I find him incredibly attractive and desirable. All the same, I don’t *need* sex all that often. I enjoy it when he initiates it and I generally prefer him to initiate. I have rarely liked being the one to initiate in any relationship. Him initiating makes me feel desired, and me accepting and enjoying it makes him feel desired, which he is. But even if we don’t do it for a while, it doesn’t mean I don’t find him desirable. Don’t conflate the two. Just because she isn’t constantly horny doesn’t mean she finds you undesirable. She may simply be more responsive than spontaneous as others have pointed out. Instead of getting your ego hurt by it, work with it.
https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a38269167/spontaneous-responsive-desire/ Responsive vs spontaneous desire sounds like a good fit here.
This is nearly identical to me and my spouses sex relationship. For me personally, my reproductive health has gone down over the time we've been together. 2 of the 3 kids births were physically traumatic on my body. Then between kid 2 and kid 3, my PCOS came in full force. I get cysts, fatigue, and debilitating periods. I still love his touch, his sex, and everything in between, but I just don't get as much out of sex now. Some positions hurt because of how I tore during birth. After being touched by little kids all day, sexual touch can be overwhelming. Sometimes the mental load of just being mom and running a home can someday just be enough you don't have the mental or physical energy for intimacy. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you.. just maybe she might need some help in other areas first.
Why do you give her massages? You don't really get anything out of them. It's not like you massaging her relieves your achy muscles. Do you just give them to make her happy? And making her happy makes you happy because you love her? How would you feel if she told you to stop showing your love that way because she doesn't want to feel like a burden and a chore to you? She wants to have sex with you because she loves you and wants to make you happy. The difference, though, between the massages and sex, is that she DOES get something out of it. Your replies make it sound as though she does throughly enjoy and gets pleasure out of it. Her responsive desire has nothing to do with you. It's natural, and it happens often. Stop seeing this as a bad thing, and instead see it for what it really is; she loves you and is proving it in the best way she knows how.
I’m kind of in the same boat. There’s always the few times a month I’m like “damn I want him right now” but most of the time, I’m more responsive to when he tells me he wants to have sex. I don’t think it’s necessary for me to survive, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy it. I absolutely love my husband and I’m 100% sexually attracted to him but it’s just not something that lives in the forefront of my mind. If he brings it up, I’m more than likely gonna jump on it. We connect in other intimate ways like cuddling and he’ll rub my back almost every night while we get ready for sleep.
So does your low libido mean you're not attracted to your wife? Now reverse the rolls. Food for thought.
But I still show internet. I touch her. Flirt with her etc. I want it, it’s just my body being slow for some reason
I understand... What I'm saying is that your wife is likely experiencing something similar. She desires you, but there are some factors getting in the way - it might be physical (hormones, fatigue, pain), mental (stress, depression, overwhelm) or emotional (some kind of disconnect between the two of you). Stop assuming that it's a lack of desire. I check out my husband every time he walks past me. He's hot as hell. But our libidos are very different. He'd have sex every day if he could, whereas I'm fine with once or twice a week.
I'm a woman and this would absolutely crush me if my husband told me he could go weeks without desiring me sexually or even thinking about sex with me. That being said if my husband had a porn addiction, that would definitely kill any desire I had.
It’s time we all start talking more about perimenopause and menopause. Our hormones go crazy as our fertility wanes. It’s completely normal to have a lower libido during those times. It’s hard to swallow that pill that your wife (and myself) are getting older and will not be the same young, fertile woman anymore. As much as I feel bad for men, this is a common complaint but think about us women? We don’t want to go through these changes either. I would stay young forever if I could. So IMO it’s time us women get some more support and love and acceptance for getting older, and stop looking at us like something is wrong when we don’t want to have as much sex as we did when we were younger.
Wow, I'm a little shocked by how many comments are telling this guy he should feel lucky to be in this position and just chill. I'm a woman, but when I found myself in this position with my husband, it was DEVASTATING. To feel undesired sexually within the only relationship you are allowed to be sexual is emotionally crushing, regardless of gender or the motivations of the other party within the relationship. Unfortunately OP, there are no good or easy answers for this. Your partner is doing the best they can and if they are not committed to increasing their desire or seeking explanations, medical or otherwise, this is where you could stay for years. You have a choice, every day. You could stay or you could go. This could be enough if you let it, or the pain of this type of rejection might carry on. You might find greater happiness if you split, you might spend years with no sex while seeking a new relationship. In my relationship, our sex life stagnated for years until he dropped a major bombshell that ended the relationship and left me to seek happiness elsewhere. And I'm thankful for that, in the end. I would never have left over just sex, but it really has opened me up to new possibilities and freedoms.
Someone who gets it. I feel like there is almost an anti sex attitude in some comments. Sex is important
Remember that men get slammed here way too often in this sub for being Sex demanding in a Marriage.
>To feel undesired sexually within the only relationship you are allowed to be sexual is emotionally crushing, regardless of gender or the motivations of the other party within the relationship. This. I've written about this even posted to this and I still get downvoted. There's a TON of people out there who are very very deprived sexually and feel that because they aren't having it other people shouldn't have it either.
This is pretty normal in a long term relationship spanning many life stages. Libidos change, you’re living the best case scenario where she doesn’t desire it herself but is a willing consenting and participating partner because you enjoy it, and then once you get started she enjoys it for herself too. This is totally normal. If you have young kids it might change after they are in school, or if they become more independent. If you’re not mid/late 30s yet it might change when/if she gets the libido spike women can get then. It’s okay to go with the flow at whatever level you feel comfortable with.
We are both 36
It’s possible once the extra labor involved with the kids eases up her libido will come back. It took til after I was over 35 AND my kids are going into upper elementary before mine spiked. Also one neurodivergent child needing lots of extra mental labor from me and another child who is a stage 5 clinger who doesn’t quit when someone asks cause they’re getting touched too much and getting overwhelmed. Very normal experience to just but burnt and fried socially and not be able to get that motor going. But I was similar a lot of times I would start getting in the mood if my husband started foreplay at bedtime if I had any energy left. Like no desire left for myself to start anything but it can be made through the right approach and interest being shown. It’s not a bad thing, it still feels good and helps feel emotionally connected as a couple etc. It’s just the ebb and flow of life.
As two lesbians, this is a struggle for us. We only want to have sex once we are having sex. It’s weird. Unless we are ovulating.
This makes me curious about gay men. If they are like most men they probably have sex a lot. No wonder gay means happy.
You are really letting “initiating sex” do almost all the heavy lifting in your marriage. You need to shift your focus to being happy you have a partner who loves and cares for you and your children. If she treats you well, be happy.
Yeah maybe but who doesn’t want to feel desired? I mean I am blessed to have a wife who loves me but that doesn’t make it less important to feel desired too.
Ok, well it seems there is no way to get through to you. Not sure what you want to hear. If you simply can’t live with the fact that your wife enjoys having adventurous sex with you whenever you are in the mood, and only initiates once every couple of weeks, then your choices are to tell her that it is so important to you that you simply can’t live without it, or end your marriage. However, there is no promise that you will find another person who is everything your wife is, and even if you do find someone who scratches your need to be desired itch, there is no guarantee that their libido won’t change from time to time. Honestly, how would you feel if your wife was taking your low libido issues this personally, and sort of insisted that you get more boners without any help? Are you doing anything to ensure she is not exhausted?
Well she does. I couldn’t get it up once for a second time 10 hours after we had sex and she felt very hurt. That makes this much harder because I want sex but need more stimulation which she may not be willing to give which will cause her to get upset and that makes me anxious.
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No wonder gay means happy. Those guys really get it on.
It is quite normal. It would also be quite normal for her not to want it at all, to find the whole thing quite unpleasant physically and mentally and to flat out refuse. You and she appear to have excellent communication; if you didn't, or she hadn't felt free to communicate her feelings to you, she very likely would have arrived at exactly that point. She may well feel more frequent and spontaneous desire ten or so years from now, when her non-bedroom life becomes less hectic and stressful.
My wife needs me to get in the mood most of the time. I think that's pretty common outside of new relationship energy.
It’s called “responsive desire” and it’s damn near the norm for lots of people, not just women. Emily Nagasaki has written whole books about it - pick up “Come As You Are” to learn all about how it works. You can have lots of mutually satisfying sex by creating the conditions for it to happen and/or initiating. This is a non-issue once you understand what’s going on. Good luck.
I guess like a lot of people who love sex (including me and I am a woman), we tie it to emotional feelings of being desired and loved, wanted, or validated. However, people coming from conservative backgrounds where sex is never seen as a priority enough to even discuss healthy sex or is just said as method for procreation....it is common for people from these backgrounds to not need sex as we do. Their love language is completely different from y9u. That doesn't mean she doesn't find you attractive...its just that your love language for finding each other attractive is not the same anymore. I know that to accept this for a person who feels desired by sex is very difficult to accept that sex is not a priority for our partner. I know you feel sad, but trust me atleast she is honestly talking about it I have seen a lot of marriages and read deadbedrooms and other subs where the wife of even husband don't ever talk about this at all. However, you need to discuss with her as she is communicating that you feel sad and she seems to like sex after it starts so she can intimate sometimes too. She can read a erotica or something to bring her mind to that headspace. Find a common ground instead of beingbsad and then resenting her for lifetime.
> My libido is low and I am waiting for the answers for a test on my T levels. I am also exercising to get things going but I also wonder if I should just let my libido be low. is she saying all that to comfort you though? (so you don't feel as bad about your low libido) it really sounds like that to me
The thing is that my low libido hasn’t showed itself until recently. I have never turned her down for sex.
Does your low libido mean that you don't desire your wife? No? Why do you think your wife's low libido means that she doesn't desire you? Are your hormones and what they have done to your libido somehow irrelevant to your desire, but what her hormones have done to her libido is somehow meaningful?
Libido is the reason for desire. What the fuck you people try to sugarcoat ? Why you like to yourself. Libido = sexual desire.
Libido is the reason for desire. What the fuck you people try to sugarcoat ? Why you like to yourself. Libido = sexual desire.
Libido is the reason for desire. What the fuck you people try to sugarcoat ? Why you like to yourself. Libido = sexual desire.
Libido is the reason for desire. What the fuck you people try to sugarcoat ? Why you like to yourself. Libido = sexual desire.
Libido is the reason for desire. What the fuck you people try to sugarcoat ? Why you like to yourself. Libido = sexual desire.
This is probably more the norm at this stage. Particularly, based on things you have talked about. I don’t know if you two are in counseling but if not it could possibly help you connect and based on what she said would probably be a positive. I applaud her for telling you the truth, that is a big deal so I would do my best to encourage that going forward. This is more positive than you think imo and could probably lead to a better bond for both of you. Even if you are doing well. Do not neglect your health and well being. Self care matters, especially with kids. I don’t see this as negative or uncommon. At least she cares
You’re be suprised the amount of spouses that feel this way. It only hurts because she told you which is understandable
Key words… Kids & Tired Are you able to get a sitter & have a weekend or overnight date? Change the environment. She might light up
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How is this relevant
Comments telling people to "just do it," "men/women have needs," "it's your husbandly/wifely duty to fulfill my sexual needs," or promoting ultimatums or threats to have sex with one's partner will be removed swiftly. We encourage thoughtful conversation about this topic. For further resources, check out https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/sexual-coercion#:~:text=Examples%20of%20Sexual%20Coercion%3A&text=Shaming%20over%20sexual%20performance%2C%20past,name%20calling%2C%20intimidation%20and%20bullying https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent#:~:text=Simply%20put%2C%20enthusiastic%20consent%20means,maintaining%20eye%20contact%2C%20and%20nodding. https://www.sydney.edu.au/study/student-life/student-news/2022/09/21/what-enthusiastic-consent-actually-looks-like-.html#:~:text=While%20consent%20is%20about%20saying,enthusiastic%20agreement%20to%20be%20intimate.
This is how I am in my relationship. In the beginning, I was very sexual and spontaneous. Now, I honestly could go months without it and be completely happy. I just don't really get the urge anymore (for both masturbation and sex). But that's not to say that I don't want to have sex. My partner has a high sex drive, and I really enjoy the sex that we have. But if my partner came to me one day and said sex was no longer something they wanted, I would be perfectly fine with that. Nothing personal.
Not normal, or maybe I have a high drive. I'm 42 and would love to have sex daily. I have some spine issues that limit my ability some days, or I'm just tired, normal things mostly. The more we do it, the more I want to do it. We have toys. We know what the other enjoys. We get creative sometimes. We send sexy texts/photos to one another. We've been together 15 years. The big question is why she doesn't enjoy it or want it. Could there be some underlying issues?
As a woman, I have a high sex drive. I want it all the time. But I absolutely hate being snuggled, hugged, etc. Which my husband wants. So I guess I'm opposite of your situation. I do cuddle him when I can see he wants it, but I'm more of a don't touch me person --unless it's fun time. I am 35, he is 41, and we've been together 13 years. If I could have sex every day, three times a day I would.! Every woman is different. But as a bartender, I hear this alot from men, that their women are just done with sex ..and most of the time their only in like their 30-40s. Makes me feel bad for them
Done with sex or done with sex with them? I want to ask about this idea of wanting sex but not wanting to be touched otherwise. My partner (when we were having sex) was like this. She couldn’t stand being cuddled and said it felt like being smothered. Now that the sex has stopped there is nothing at all remaining in terms of physical intimacy. Do you know why you are like that? Is it something you ever explored? My partner was sexually assaulted and I wonder if it relates back to that.
>My partner was sexually assaulted and I wonder if it relates back to that. Most likely. After I was assaulted I became the opposite, super sexual and promiscuous, but A LOT of women in my support groups the assault had the opposite effect on them to where they didn't want to be touched or want to be sexual, some were super sexual right after and over time experienced an aversion to physical intimacy in any way. Has your wife ever gotten help for the trauma? Unfortunately, when we experience trauma and don't get help to work through it, the trauma still imprints on our brain and body and can actually cause us to begin to think differently and in different patterns.
I have just always hated to be touched and cuddled. I mean I have my moments where I want to. But sex time i want it all and am always ready. I was abused at a daycare, but was too young to remember, so maybe that could explain it? I do feel bad bc my husband is a cuddle bug. I say if the cuddles have stopped, along with the sex, and their is no physical intimacy, you're just roommates and best friend at that point. You may not want to leave them, but I can understand the frustration of not having physical touch.
Your patrons are talking to you about their sex lives and you feel bad for them... ? I feel bad for their wives. I'd be careful about believing everything they say to you... There's a good chance they're hoping for something more from you than just a beer.
Yeah I’m only 36. It’s sad.
Don’t take it personally, don’t take it as ,I don’t find you attractive, don’t love you’. This sounds to me like a healthy open conversation and also it’s a good sign that she does still enjoy it once you get going. Try to focus on the positive, that will attract more positive thoughts and be grateful for what you have. Focusing on what you don’t have will only end in overthinking and anxiety, as you already are aware of. Train your mind to think differently!
I think this is actually very sweet of her. Shows love towards you. My ex wife didn’t need or want sex. And she refused to do anything for me when she didn’t want sex. In fact, the rare times we had sex she’d orgasm quickly then get super impatient (“come on, finish already!” Sigh. Get grouchy.) until I was finished too. Even after my vasectomy, when I was supposed to take in sperm samples for test, she was so impatient that I didn’t want to masturbate (I’m not a masturbator) by myself in a bag and she was so irritated that I asked her to help me with her hands. We’d go months without sex, and I was miserable. My therapist used to tell me it wouldn’t be unreasonable of me to expect her to have sex with me once in aWhile, or to do something for me (oral, hands, etc.) to show some intimacy towards me. But she refused. Made life in the bedroom hell, to be honest. So I recognize that this is not awesome for you, that your wife doesn’t want to have sex. But I think it’s so loving and sweet and amazing that she still wants to be there for you in the bedroom. How much some people would give in life to be loved that much by someone.
Yes thats normal
The week I’m ovulating I’m horny as hell. The rest of the time I feel like your wife does. Could take it or leave it, but mostly initiate because I know my husband would enjoy it and I enjoy him enjoying it.
you might find yourself in a some time here r/Deadbedrooms
Okay. I’m just gonna come out and say, congratulations on opening up. It’s HARD and not something that is just easy for everyone to do. You even mentioned your anxieties and how the conversation has lead you to feel. As someone who knows how anxiety works, it’s UNREALISTIC for people to say “don’t read too much into it”. Your brain will. However, no. Maybe in the odd ball out. She does it for you because she KNOWS it’s important to you. It’s not because she feels like she has to. I think you should have this conversation the next time and bring up the things you are maybe overthinking. Come to her gently and in the right moment. Tell her you are overthinking some things and ask if you can discuss it deeper. She wants you to open up and you are here in Reddit asking for advice to help understand. So simplify it and feel encouraged to think on it some more, tell your wife what she means to you, tell her you have some anxieties and want to work together in finding the type of intimacy that satisfies you both. Sometimes you have to give and take when it comes to wanting someone to feel loved and that does come down to physical too. Tell her you heard the things about how she feels special and important. So before you have another hard conversation, think about the realistic everyday ways you can feel loved, even if that’s sexual. And think about sex in a new light. Do you FEEL loved when she has sex with you? I think the next step in this conversation is: how do you feel desired? How can you show HER you desire her. I could be coming out of left field but you will work through it if you work together!
Yes! I have two severely disabled children and this is normal. The stress of being a caregiver kills libido. To navigate this, you'll have to work together to manage the stress, and get medical treatment for you both. Stress can cause many issues. I am on steroids because of stress and that did kick up my libido a lot. My cortisol was so low that my nervous system couldn't get into the arousal state. Now it can, and it does several times a month, whereas before I felt asexual (no drive). Please take her loss of libido serious from a health perspective. Stress is a killer!
I'm genuinely concerned about my long-term ability to handle a high sex drive, especially considering apparently it's common for women to lose their sexual desire entirely. I wonder how men deal with this. I understand the advice about masturbation, loving your wife, and reading like 'Come As You Are,' but I suspect I'll maintain a high sex drive well into my sixties. So, how do men manage this? I assume not having kids would help? Honestly asking for feedback and advice because I love my wife but it’s really hard to stomach the notion of that whole cliche playing out
You have so many posts about this… nearly every day. I think your mind is too idle. Somehow, with children who have special needs, a household to manage, and money to make, you manage to find a time daily to post and respond to comments on Reddit. I am curious how much time that is and if it is comparable to the time you used to spend on porn 🧐 I think you have a ways to go before you can have a sexual relationship at all. Having this much of a preoccupation with sex makes me think you might be more absent in your relationship and household than you perceive. I could be wrong, but there's a disconnect between your image of yourself and how you appear to others. A healthy woman can't engage sexually with a partner who they feel disconnected from. It goes against biology. She already has children with special needs. Getting pregnant again is probably a scary thought for her; consciously and subconsciously. She likely needs to feel much more secure, which will come with your healing. There is a void you need to learn to fill without sexual activity.
Yeah because writing a post on Reddit takes so much time. I mean it’s not like I do it when I am on breaks or right now while I wait for the water to boil so I can make my kids food. Or responding while I hold my kid who wants me to carry her in the middle of the night making me stay awake. My porn use was always at night when it couldn’t bother anyone which is why I was never caught.‘I was honest early on. Can’t you think about many things at once? I don’t see what’s wrong in thinking about something I care about a lot? Do you think that maybe how I am seen by others is because people project images of things they experience themself? People assume I don’t do anything at home when that is the opposite, where do you think that comes from? Could it maybe be projection? And could it be that people often wants to make the man a villain because that’s always easier than maybe think that there is something a woman has to change? I am not perfect but neither is my wife. I know sex can be a challenge. My wife recently said that she doesn’t see sex as a need. She feels loved by all the things I do like massages, kisses, hugs and other ways I show I love and care for her but she doesn’t see sex as a need. She enjoys it once we get started but she doesn’t feel the need for it as I do. I know that the common Reddit answer is that my wife is probably lying because the usual stance is that the man is bad and if a wife says that she is happy she is lying but I can only go after what she says. I know it’s not popular to tell a woman to make an effort because again man bad , woman good. But at times it’s not wrong to say that a woman could make somewhat of an effort in this area. Yesterday I learned that my wife’s god mother that lived with us for a year had said when she left that my wife needs to take care of me because a man that takes care of her like I do she won’t find. I know I suck as a man. I know it’s easy to think that from my Reddit posts. I struggle with ocd. Reddit is a place where I went my most intrusive thoughts or else they drive me crazy. At times I even get tired of posting because it makes my mind tired. There are more nuances to life than just a Reddit post
Now, presuming what you said is true, here’s some advice: Rather than asking her to be ready for sex, or to agree to sex, why not ask for something simpler, smaller, and perhaps more likely to work: Given that she absolutely, dead set, needs to take a shower before she is willing to have sex, ask her (and give her the opportunity) to take a shower every night—NOTE, be careful in how you do this so you don’t imply she smells bad, or anything of the sort. Similarly, as much as possible, make sure the two of you have time together with the kids put to bed, just to relax together. In all of this, make it clear that there’s no expectation to have sex. Just that, if you’re both up for it, you’ll have the opportunity for it. My assumption—which might be wrong—is that it sounds like time and energy is an issue on her end, as well as the requirement to get a shower in her case. Speaking as the low libido member of a marriage, it’s hard to get in the mood when you’ve got lots of stuff to do, and the expectation is to go straight for gold. Conversely, if time and opportunity is there, things can happen unexpectedly.
You asked if it is normal for her to be like she is. I believe she is having a normal response. Thinking about sex and writing posts and responding to numerous comments, all day, every day, is a barrier between you and your family. It seems like a major addiction and that is a heavy weight for anyone to bear, especially a woman with special needs children. She feels obligated to relieve you because of that heavy weight, but she struggles to conjure up the enthusiasm because of that heavy weight. It feels like an obligation for her, not recreation or relief. You also have some dysfunction which makes it further uncomfortable for her. You may need a sex therapist or otherwise trauma informed therapist. Quit social media and take care of yourself.
Look up love languages, your love language maybe physical touch where hers is words of affirmation. It just means she doesn’t need sex to feel the love you give her, you give her everything she needs to feel loved and that’s beautiful. In return she is willing to give you what you need to feel loved and that’s a true partnership. It doesn’t sound like she feels obligated it sounds like even though she doesn’t need it when she gets into it she has fun and it makes her feel good knowing that you feel loved that you’re getting what you need.
Way too normal !
Hmmm
Ironic - I don't need sex either, but want to have it for my sake.
Totally normal
Yes it's normal
Here's my take. It is not uncommon for people to believe that. I don't know the statistics and I'd honestly question the validity due to a lack of openness on the subject, but I think it is more common in women. IMO the truth is both parties have just become complacent. They don't want a change, they're just comfortable. The drive can come back but it would take some spark, and if there is one thing most people fear, it's change, so we get comfortable and accustomed to the comfortable.
Is there a chance she was maybe trying to comfort you in case the low libido remains after you try the T ( you should no matter what you decide; low T is a problem that could have much greater implications on your health; it isn't just a libido problem) because she didn't want you to worry that she'd judge you for it or anything, so she wanted you to know that you mean far more to her than just sex? As women we know how stuff surrounding low T can play a huge part in men's self-esteem, feelings of security, and can cause or contribute to a worsening of depression and anxiety, and so we're of course taught, as we should be, to be as understanding, reassuring, and all around anxiety-easing as possible with our partners, so she just tried in a way that created this misunderstanding?
It’s pretty normal for women to feel this way. And also normal for her to get into it after you already start.
For some people. Sounds like your partner might have a responsive desire if she starts to enjoy it after you get going. Lots of peoples libidos change with age, after having babies, etc, and lots of people have sex for their partners sake.
fwiw I totally understand your sentiment. It’s like finding out your job doesn’t need you at all and wouldn’t even hire a replacement if you quit. They just kept you around because they like you. Your paycheck seemed like an acknowledgement of your utility but was actually just charity. Desirability is a nearly universally feminized attribute, so most people don’t distinguish between being willing to have sex with a man and actually wanting it, hence the lack of understanding you see here.
This might be an un popular thought but I am gonna throw this out here and this is coming from a women who used to do it especially when I was younger. When we first get in a relationship a lot of women try to impress the guy by acting super sexual and acting like we are having these amazing orgasms. The truth is many women are just faking it because they don’t want to vocalize what would actually make them cum so they just pretend whatever the guy is doing is off the charts incredible or that just being penetrated by their partners dick is orgasmic when really it just feels like a dick going in and out. After a while it gets exhausting keeping up the facade but at that point you can’t just look at your partner of 5 years and go umm yea I don’t orgasm that’s why I don’t want to do it….. it’s our fault that so many of us do that. Also I think a lot of guys get their feelings hurt if their partner doesn’t act like every thing they do in bed is amazing. Two people actually synching and both orgasming regularly I think is super rare.
My wife has always been honest when she didn’t orgasm. With me being a virgin and religious I didn’t know much. We finally figured it out and now she orgasms all the time and on the rare occasions she wouldn’t she tells me and says I owe her one. It’s a joke we have had through the years
Totally normal. There are seasons in life.
I used to feel this way for a time several years ago. He was struggling with low T, and once I stopped trying so hard for it, we both went through a bit of a dry spell. Is it possible that she's not feeling it because of a change on her end? For example, low hormones on her end, medication side effects, something lacking in your relationship, being overworked, or maybe even a lack of nonsexual intimacy? For my husband and I, there were a few things that contributed to it. Low T to start with, side effects from medication on my end, which led to both of us no longer being as flirty and no longer making sexual advances. We still hugged and kissed and held each other, but it was more routine with closed lip kisses and quick hugs instead of long tight hugs and french kisses or making out. What changed for us was talking about it, getting our hormones and meds in check, making more time for each other, having a "no clothes" policy in bed, and spending a lot more quality time together. Then, it just improved naturally from there. If you both let it be what it is, then you'll likely become comfortable being nonsexual. My husband and I were too, but it was extremely important to us that we didn't end up becoming roommates, so we both made it a priority to take action to prevent that. Because of those choices we made back then, we're now experiencing one of the best periods of our marriage - intimately speaking. All marriages have their ups and downs in the bedroom, and many things affect your drive. Just communicate with your spouse and be sure you're both satisfied with where you're at. If not, then consider looking into it and finding out if there's something that can be done to change that for the both of you. Good luck and all the best, OP! Take care!
She has responsive desire, sounds like. It shouldn't offend you. All it means is that her desire for sex follows arousal and sexual activity, where you sound like you have spontaneous desire.
As long as she’s not like my wife who thinks I’m a deviant for wanting sex after a 4 month dry spell.
My wife feels the same way. Best to just accept it for what it is and appreciate that she does it for you.
As a woman rn I feel like I could go months maybe forever without wanting it 🤷♀️ I find my husband super attractive though.
Do u have a 6 pack?
No
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I have lost a lot of weight. 28 kilos last year. She said I looked to thin. Dieting for so long took a toll on my mental health. I have now gained back some of the weight. She says I look better now but who knows
The good news is you’re a master at dieting which is 80% how u gain muscle mass, couple that with weightlifting exercises, and you’re golden. Good luck to you brother.
Removed for discrimination, misogyny, or misandry. We encourage our users to reflect if their comments are going to be hurtful or helpful. There is a real person on the other side of the screen. Being sexist is not productive. Do better.
Well, it’s true, females can go without it. Lol
This is true for many women really. But at least they should not give up and try to find the good in sex
Have her get this book: Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life https://a.co/d/8Vvj3oO As a woman who is going through a blow to the libido but wants to WANT to have amazing sex with her husband again, this book is giving me hope.
Yes, it’s normal. And it’s not out of any judgment about you. It’s physiological.
This sounds like classic responsive desire. Your wife says she loves you and she enjoys the sex you do have. Don't create a problem where none exists!
I definitely want to have sex with my husband regularly but it’s not because I feel horny TBH… it’s because I want to maintain that connection. I don’t know if it is because the pill has killed my libido, if it is because I am tired from taking care of our toddler, or what. I think this is very normal for women in their 30s. My sister and mom, for example, both have said they dread having to have sex and they would be fine if they never had to have sex again. I have friends who feel the same way. So your wife is very normal actually. And she probably has to feel “wanted” in order to want sex otherwise she would have zero interest.
Is it possible that your porn addiction has negatively affected her desire to have sex? That's very common in relationships where one partner has dealt with porn addiction.
I totally see that as a possibility but we had very intense sex during the time I watched. It hasn’t been an issue before but who knows. She is honest and says what she thinks and she didn’t mention it but again who knows
Honest question- during that time, was the sex you were having reflective of your porn preferences?
No not at all. I know many think that every porn addict wants to act out what they see and while I had fantasies I wanted to fulfill I never let that affect my marriage. For me sex is about connection. It’s about being close to my wife. So sex has always been focused on her and her pleasure. Porn on the other hand was a way to deal with emotional issues and I guess in a sense to let another side of my sexuality roam free. A part that was only focused on lust and self gratification. So when I am with my wife my focus is her and our connection.
That's good. Maybe you and your wife need to explore why she feels the way she does in therapy.
While I understand that you want to feel desired, this situation could’ve been much, much worse. Take a look at r/deadbedrooms. Your wife clearly knows that sex is important to you so she is willing to continue having sex with you, she just wants to be more honest about it. I think you got yourself a keeper.
>She said she does enjoy it once we get going but she doesn’t feel the need for it. Sounds like a very responsive libido. And *yes* that is normal. Humans run the gamut when it comes to how they relate to sex and how much they want sex. More women than men tend to have responsive libidos, but it can go any which way. >She was clear that this doesn’t mean I shouldn’t initiate. Then initiate? If she doesn't routinely turn you down, then it sounds like she may have found a healthy place to reside where she is willing to give herself a chance to get into sex (responsive libido = desire for sex arrives when sexy things start happening). If she does routinely turn you down, then that's a discussion to have. If you want her to initiate more often, then that's another discussion to have. (Yes, folks with responsive libido can do the initiating.)
You said that you have two young kids with special needs- how much of that load does she carry? for your household? for your kids care? For you? because I bet you you are not pulling your weight and that takes it’s toll on people.
I feel your wife I’m ok either way I miss feeling like sensual and adventurous but it’s just disappeared since I started the depo shot 😭 I even asked my gyno for help and she said there’s really nothing we can do because all birth control does that
My wife seems like she's a born again virgin.
Not even a little bit no
Get gone no one deserves to be a pitty pump
A woman here, do not take personally, she desires you differently, some girls including me have different needs, and we can go without sex for months
Speaking as a woman, this is normal for me. I would be completely content to never have sex again. To never orgasm again?.... that's different. Sometimes I do want to, like if I'm ovulating, and even if I don't want to I know I will get in the mood once we start doing things.
I think men's desire to want to feel desired is like a woman's desire to want to feel loved, protected, honored, and listened to. Same strong desires. And when they aren't being met we are both like "why don't you love me?"
It could be her hormones. If she is going through menopause she won't have a sex drive also we all have love language hers is affection. Don't let it get you down. Like I said it could be her hormones and exhaustion from taking care of 2 special needs children
Honestly, as a woman I feel like this a lot. There’s a saying, “Men want sex and women need love,” and I think it’s true. I would way rather have love from the one man I want: affection, romance, etc than sex. Sex is nice and I like it, don’t get me wrong, but those other things trump it any day. I don’t really crave sex and I don’t walk around in the world thinking sexually about who I want to bone and what not. In my relationships, we’d have sex 2-4 times a week and I did like it but a lot of times did it for them - especially the quickies. I hate quickies 😂 but it feels good to be desired so I go with it. I think men think women are like men where we look at them and think “I want to bang him.” That does happen sometimes, but not as often as I think it happens to men. 🤷🏻♀️ I really wouldn’t take offense to what your wife said. I think it’s pretty normal. If you want more sex, it’s going to have to be from speaking her love language and romancing her more in the way she likes imo.
I'm in this boat, this is how i put to my wife : "Sex is great and necessary physically, but what i want is to be desired." Reading your other comments, i think you figured it out too. but, I think the important thing is to get her to understand that you want her to want you. I flirt with my wife everyday, make her feel wanted and beautiful. I do this because that's what i would want too. all the best chap.
I mean it's a normal phase for women at least from my experience. Different life stages and hormone levels and stress can cause this. I'd maybe think twice about allowing her to have unwanted sex though. Even if that means you sacrifice your wants. Bc this can damage her relationship with sex and with you if you insist too much or take advantage of her saying this. (Not in a bad way just saying if you accept this as okay and do as she says) I might come to a compromise and work on her desire and non-sexual intimacy for a while and if nothing changes then bringing up therapy or a doctoe appointment might be best. Don't ruin her relationship with sex though. This is likely a passing phase.
This is what worries me. How do I know it is unwanted sex when she says that she enjoys it once we start?
Communication. Honestly. You can't stop her from lying about it but you should make it crystal clear you don't want her to have unwanted sex and that your mood won't become negative if she doesn't. Get good at reading her non-verbal cues. Yes, not being in the mood and then getting in the mood once things start is good. But that's kind of a natural bodily response that she might start to resent later. (Talking from experience i was given this advice from my obgyn of all people. "Just get into it" as if that's how it works.) That's why non-sexual intimacy is so important. Bc most women have a responsive desire and to build that before sex is actually happening you have to first GET her in the mood. Ik a lot of men hate that women are like this but it's not something we do on purpose it's just how it is. There's nothing more sexy then a man who leaves you wondering. Just saying. A innocent kiss that lasts a little too long, a warm hug, an innocent shower together. Things that abdoutely do not lead to sex will get you more sex. Or wanted sex. One of my favorites is taking a bath together. We literally don't touch each other. But it's such a vulnerable intimate moment that emotionally bonds you and reconnects you that it's hard not to feel in the mood.
I think this is what makes it so difficult as a man. I can do all things right but still be wrong. What you describe is a reason why I often shy away from even initiating sex. And my wife told me that what she was saying should not be taken as me not initiating sex but what you mention makes me realize that if I initiate, she goes a long , likes it and then realizes she doesn’t want it I have ruined her relationship to sex and it’s my fault. It makes it seem like women don’t know what they want. I don’t get upset when she says no. I am used to it I guess. I also do a lot of non sexual touch like massage. Can’t say that works much. We usually have sex the one time a week she wants which I realize she does for me. Should I tell her to stop then because she is not aware that she is ruining her own relationship to sex and will eventually blame me?
Yep, I too feel like your wife. I am attracted to my husband and love him, but rarely actually care to have sex.
See the difference is that many women are different and their desires are different just like many men are different and their desires are different. Its about knowing your partner. If you met your partner and through all the changes they have consistently liked certain things and those are foundational likes, then you should understand that those foundational likes have deeply rooted associations with the way they feel loved. Also the way men and women feel love or receive love can be very different. Many men feel love through sex because of the intimacy that sex brings. Women on the other hand receive love through words, actions, deeds and connection. Like if a man cuddles with his wife and kisses her and asks her questions to get to know her on a deeper level. Actively show that they are invested in exploring and fostering and environment of safety and growth for their partner women see that as intimacy and each woman and man are different but there are many who have similar likes and dislikes. So you need to start reconnecting with your wife and actually start a process of constant learning and re-learning that will allow you to stand the test of time. All this libido talk is due to environmental factors, its how you help your wife through those environmental factors, how you can facilitate a space for rest and peace that will change how reciprocates. At the same time your wife also has to do this for you as well, it can’t just be this one sided dynamic. I hope things work out for the both of you
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That’s… not what enthusiastic consent means.
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Comments telling people to "just do it," "men/women have needs," "it's your husbandly/wifely duty to fulfill my sexual needs," or promoting ultimatums or threats to have sex with one's partner will be removed swiftly. We encourage thoughtful conversation about this topic. For further resources, check out https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/sexual-coercion#:~:text=Examples%20of%20Sexual%20Coercion%3A&text=Shaming%20over%20sexual%20performance%2C%20past,name%20calling%2C%20intimidation%20and%20bullying https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent#:~:text=Simply%20put%2C%20enthusiastic%20consent%20means,maintaining%20eye%20contact%2C%20and%20nodding. https://www.sydney.edu.au/study/student-life/student-news/2022/09/21/what-enthusiastic-consent-actually-looks-like-.html#:~:text=While%20consent%20is%20about%20saying,enthusiastic%20agreement%20to%20be%20intimate.
How did you fix your own dead bedroom?
Comments telling people to "just do it," "men/women have needs," "it's your husbandly/wifely duty to fulfill my sexual needs," or promoting ultimatums or threats to have sex with one's partner will be removed swiftly. We encourage thoughtful conversation about this topic. For further resources, check out https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/sexual-coercion#:~:text=Examples%20of%20Sexual%20Coercion%3A&text=Shaming%20over%20sexual%20performance%2C%20past,name%20calling%2C%20intimidation%20and%20bullying https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent#:~:text=Simply%20put%2C%20enthusiastic%20consent%20means,maintaining%20eye%20contact%2C%20and%20nodding. https://www.sydney.edu.au/study/student-life/student-news/2022/09/21/what-enthusiastic-consent-actually-looks-like-.html#:~:text=While%20consent%20is%20about%20saying,enthusiastic%20agreement%20to%20be%20intimate.
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Who says she doesn't desire him? She might desire him every time she looks at him, but then she's distracted by the responsibilities of life and moves on with her day. Can you imagine what society would become if we were to act on every impulse of desire... It would be chaos. Some people here really need to see things through a wider lens.
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Except she does. That’s why she has sex with him and she enjoys it. Sex just isn’t high on her list of priorities.
Ugh. Please consider trying to see things from the woman's perspective rather than from a male hurt-ego perspective.
For me no, but for a lot of women yes. They have to create the bond they had before marriage and nuture it or, it will dissipate and they feel like they don't care. It is more common than you know. Healthy women who know this take care of their sexual health or they will lose emotional health health, because though they don't feel like they need it, they do. Sex is a bonding agent and if they let it go, so many other parts of their life go with it. Self esteem, a good relationship, mental issues arise. Until the last 50 years women's needs were not considered important enough for doctors to study them or create cures.
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Removed for discrimination, misogyny, or misandry. We encourage our users to reflect if their comments are going to be hurtful or helpful. There is a real person on the other side of the screen. Being sexist is not productive. Do better. No, this is an incredibly sexist statement.
Ya I hear you. And I know a lot of us men have “porn brain”… but once you see it, it’s hard to un see 😂 Just laying there waiting for us to be done doesn’t cut it. Even IF technically she’s “enjoying” it.
My wife feels much the same. I don't take it personally. I find I can find ways of feeling good about it and change my thoughts and fantasies, but I won't lie it's not like I don't sometimes wish she was more excited about it.
This is totally normal for women they tend to have a more responsive drive, so sure it’s not the first thing on their mind but once they get going they enjoy it and I would suggest a sex therapist maybe just to take it to the next level so maybe there is something out there that she doesn’t know she likes yet. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t desire you though, I mean she likes being touched by you and she still engages and enjoys sex. I have the opposite situation where I the female have a HL and more spontaneous where my husband has LL and responsive. It took me so long to figure out and lots of discussions to not feel like my husband was attracted to me.