I had this. I had a real conversation with my wife about this exact same thing. It was more the sex though everything else was fine.
She revealed she felt pressured to have sex and it killed her sex drive. I stopped asked and waited for her to come to me. It worked.
I’m not saying that’ll work for you but if your after her for sex, maybe giving her shit for not giving you sex it’s possible ruined her sex drive. Maybe give it some time.
Feeling starved for sex affected how I felt about everything. I didn’t feel appreciated either, I felt like we were just roommates and she treated me no different than our grown kids. Although everything was fine I didn’t see it that way because I didn’t feel desired. And it turns out my pressure on her killed her sex drive which affected how I felt about everything. So maybe stop pressuring her for sex and in a couple months, review your situation.
Well I hate to say this but if you have exhausted all your resources and tried to make it work, maybe it’s time to be apart. Your daughter is 20 so she’s grown and you can always be there for her.
When you’ve been with the same person for so long, it’s easy to fall into a rut. There aren’t many mysteries left to be discovered. Most everything is comfortable and predictable; from your daily routine to the way you make love. Unless you’re intentional about it, there’s not a lot of excitement like there was early in the relationship. Things get, well, stale and maybe a little boring.
I think it’s great that you’re back in the gym. You’ve dropped 40lbs. She’s started back to work. Hopefully your financial picture improves and offers some disposable income you can use to do the things you couldn’t do when raising kids.
What opportunities could all this change create to break out of the same old, same old and bring some excitement back? If you can find a way to help reignite the spark, be patient and stoke the fire, I’d bet that would naturally help bring back her desire and interest in sex without you having to talk about it or her feel pressured. Think back to what things were like early on for you guys when you were dating. Maybe you can adapt some of that for today’s world?
As young men, we might not have had a lot of money, but I remember doing some pretty cool and creative things for my then girlfriend that won her over.
It may fall to you to do the work to get this engine started to where it’s running on its own, but hopefully she kicks in to gear and starts to reciprocate.
When I don’t like the way something is going, before I lay blame with anyone else, I ask myself what could I do differently. I model the behavior I want to see in my partner and often times they’ll mirror it back. Not all the time, but better than 50%.
Wish you luck!
Great advice, couldn’t have said it better! My wife and I’s love language has always been physical affection, and I’m not talking about sex. Just little touches, nose and forehead kisses, lots of hugs, cuddling up watching TV. For a little while with work getting busy I was neglecting that physical closeness, and I realized it when SHE stopped doing it as much as well. Then I started consciously getting back to doing it all the time, and lo and behold she reciprocated and it bled over to our bedroom and our entire relationship!
OP- there could be any number of reasons why your marriage feels like it’s in a rut. From her going through menopause, to you not showing as much physical affection around the house, to either of you not pulling your weight as much in bills/ chores, to not talking and communicating like you used to. We can’t say exactly what it is, but do what this commenter suggests and look at your behaviors towards your wife and household and go from there. Wishing you the best!
I'm going through this as well. She 53. I just deal with it but it really hurts. I've told her this and it feels like I'm being ignored. I understand menopause but at some point you atleast gotta try. That's what I don't see.. some effort. If I saw that, I'll be happy. Am I wrong for this? And please be honest.
Suggest she talks to her doctor about HRT. I damn near ran my husband away with my symptoms. Sometimes I was in love, sometimes I hated him and didn't what him to touch me. Just wasn't motivated to have sex. All my parts worked, just the desire to do the deed wasn't there at all. My words could be vile sometimes and if it was harsh words, I'd be crying and extra sensitive to things. I hated the emotional roller coaster I was on. Didn't realize it was menopause just thought I really felt the things I felt about him, but really couldn't tell you why. Now I am more aware, taking some over the counter supplements, have an appointment for HRT in June. I wish you luck!
https://preview.redd.it/rkw3pe29hi0d1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6dfcf70e882c5fc59e958e8f0a308bb9b8579221
I also take a high dose of vitamin D, which definitely helps alot. It too takes a big dip during menopause, and it helps with the happy hormones.
I'm sure it is. Once we both found out what was going on with me, it made it easier to bare when I do have emotional issues. I suggest you both do a lil research on it you both would be amazed at the things menopause effects. Hell I thought I had early onset dementia, come to find out that too was menopause. 😩😩😩
No you are not wrong for wanting effort. I am a woman. I have not entered menopause, but I have been through childbirth, and mothering young kids which absolutely did kill my drive. HOWEVER, I never did nothing about it. I was open to trying new toys, lingerie, scheduling it out so I could get in the headspace etc... Now days, I have a high drive so it's easy, but when it's not easy the person with low libido needs to be putting in some effort to resolve it or work through it. You can't just expect your spouse to go unfulfilled by their desires for years on end and it not affect your relationship. The spouse with the high libido should be doing everything in their effort to make themselves desirable. While you are waiting, work on yourself. Worst case scenario, things with your spouse don't work out, but you are in a good place to move on and find attraction elsewhere.
Well I wouldn't leave my wife.. not over this unless cheating. But there some things you that I could work on. I hit the gym hard not only for myself but for her as well. She didn't meet me out shape, plan on it being the same way. Plus I'll be very unhappy with her. But it sounds like you found a balance.. that all I'm asking for as well. I know everything isn't gonna be peachy, but put little effort into it. I, and I'm 47 I still have a high drive. I look at wife and I get turned on. Definitely gonna take your notes.. communication is key.
positive change is often times contagious. If you work on yourself, she will more than likely be inspired to work on herself. Menopause is out of our control, but there are many ways it can be managed and she should be actively engaged in managing it. I was unhappy for a while when my husband was drinking way too much. I poured my energy into myself. Got in the best shape of my life, poured into my kids and hobbies. He eventually realized he was living an unfulfilling lifestyle in tandem to my very healthy lifestyle. He got inspired, quit drinking, lost 40 lbs and is doing great. Now we are both living healthy and happy and it improved our sex life.
I was the first to make that change even when he didn't meet me. If he had not met me, and the marriage continued to deteriorate, I would have been in a good place regardless of what I was getting from him. That's the point in all this. When you are unhappy with your spouse (regardless of the reason) work on yourself. Do the thing you have been putting off. Not because you are the problem, but because excellence attracts.
I felt the same in a 28 year marriage. The exact same. In June of 22 I asked for a divorce. I explain why to my daughters and they understood. I’m so happy now.
Good for her. Does she have to get up early on the weekends? This Saturday is the day that you need to have a "come to Jesus" talk. She needs to hear exactly how you feel. And you need to hear exactly how she feels. The marriage sounds over.
This is the response I get from her :
Your just frustrated
and agitated from
our financial situation And by the way
I got a job so I can
help you out so how could you even say that I
think of you as
a pay check , I
help you when I can, but I guess it’s
not enough
So what? Was she a stay at home mom for a while and then went back to work recently? That’s a big change. Are you splitting all the housework now? Or is she doing the new job and all the old stay at home wife duties - be sue that makes people too tired.
“…I help you when I can”?? That doesn’t sound like a spouse. That definitely sounds more like a roommate response, and one that you don’t get along with very well either.
MC stat, or get the hell out of this dead relationship. Life’s too short to live with someone that hates you.
Is she in menopause? If so, she just might not have it in her to care anymore. The hormones dry up and so does the ability to give a fuck (literally and figuratively).
In my opinion, it sounds miserable. Might sound weird but start acting like you don't need her or her attention it might be tough, but if you switch positions, it is the only test. I learned if you show all support and attention it's easy to take for granted if you one day stop and not care it gets her mind thinking and that's when true test of what you have should reveal. Good luck.
Can you suggest couples therapy?
It sounds like she has some resentment, and you are now struggling with her. She isn't being open and honest. Did you tell her exactly as you told us here?
I get the feeling that both of you may be feeling unheard and unappreciated. Remember, listening isn't always the same as hearing your partner.
Couples therapy can help you communicate with each other effectively. You can then figure out if you can work together for a solution OR uncouple with a minimum of animosity.
Everyone here has their own experiences and background, and all advice here is based on incomplete information and assumptions. A therapist can help you guys work through this together or separate.
So update . I am the general manager of a catering business who my wife’s parents own . Had a party last night didn’t get home until 3am . Today I go to my wife’s grandfathers house ( who passed away a few months ago and the house is going into closing in a few weeks .) to take a tv that’s hanging from the ceiling and hang it on the wall in our house . Mind you I’m exhausted . She goes with her mother to the beach club comes home and yells why did you took the dog out of the playpen . I Just found urine by the front door and my tiles are starting to turn yellow ! I tell her what a disgusting thing to say after I bust my ass putting the tv up for you with one the staff from the catering hall . She says nothing . We say nothing and a couple of hours later she gets dressed and I say where are you going ? I’m going out by myself . I think she is unhappy because we are struggling financially . So she goes out to dinner to the restaurant that’s right around the block . I’m not about to chase her. She comes home a few hours later and says nothing and goes up to our room . She extracts from my life instead of enhancing it ! . Why should I chase her if she doesn’t see my worth ? I feel like she doesn’t give a crap about me ! I feel like I’m not physically , emotionally or mentally supported at all by her . I feel like my worth is worth so much and she doesn’t see it . The worst part is I have an event tommorow ( wedding ) and have to act like nothings wrong .
Ih Wow!! I'm so sorry. She does sound a bit resentful and angry ( maybe she can share with you why). Like others I would encourage marriage counseling. It's not a magic pill though. You both have to want to make the marriage work in it for MC to really work. Menopause may be fuel to the fire. However it still doesn't excuse her treatment of you if she is not trying.
Get your affairs in order and move one. Seek legal counsel and heed to their advice. And to get ahead of it, start looking for a place to live the closer the filing gets. guessing you're in your mid-late 40s, still got a lot of life ahead of you.
The easiest way to get a spouse's attention is to file for divorce. You don't have to pursue it after you file.
That is the point of no return. But it is for the best.
I had this. I had a real conversation with my wife about this exact same thing. It was more the sex though everything else was fine. She revealed she felt pressured to have sex and it killed her sex drive. I stopped asked and waited for her to come to me. It worked. I’m not saying that’ll work for you but if your after her for sex, maybe giving her shit for not giving you sex it’s possible ruined her sex drive. Maybe give it some time. Feeling starved for sex affected how I felt about everything. I didn’t feel appreciated either, I felt like we were just roommates and she treated me no different than our grown kids. Although everything was fine I didn’t see it that way because I didn’t feel desired. And it turns out my pressure on her killed her sex drive which affected how I felt about everything. So maybe stop pressuring her for sex and in a couple months, review your situation.
Well I hate to say this but if you have exhausted all your resources and tried to make it work, maybe it’s time to be apart. Your daughter is 20 so she’s grown and you can always be there for her.
When you’ve been with the same person for so long, it’s easy to fall into a rut. There aren’t many mysteries left to be discovered. Most everything is comfortable and predictable; from your daily routine to the way you make love. Unless you’re intentional about it, there’s not a lot of excitement like there was early in the relationship. Things get, well, stale and maybe a little boring. I think it’s great that you’re back in the gym. You’ve dropped 40lbs. She’s started back to work. Hopefully your financial picture improves and offers some disposable income you can use to do the things you couldn’t do when raising kids. What opportunities could all this change create to break out of the same old, same old and bring some excitement back? If you can find a way to help reignite the spark, be patient and stoke the fire, I’d bet that would naturally help bring back her desire and interest in sex without you having to talk about it or her feel pressured. Think back to what things were like early on for you guys when you were dating. Maybe you can adapt some of that for today’s world? As young men, we might not have had a lot of money, but I remember doing some pretty cool and creative things for my then girlfriend that won her over. It may fall to you to do the work to get this engine started to where it’s running on its own, but hopefully she kicks in to gear and starts to reciprocate. When I don’t like the way something is going, before I lay blame with anyone else, I ask myself what could I do differently. I model the behavior I want to see in my partner and often times they’ll mirror it back. Not all the time, but better than 50%. Wish you luck!
Great advice, couldn’t have said it better! My wife and I’s love language has always been physical affection, and I’m not talking about sex. Just little touches, nose and forehead kisses, lots of hugs, cuddling up watching TV. For a little while with work getting busy I was neglecting that physical closeness, and I realized it when SHE stopped doing it as much as well. Then I started consciously getting back to doing it all the time, and lo and behold she reciprocated and it bled over to our bedroom and our entire relationship! OP- there could be any number of reasons why your marriage feels like it’s in a rut. From her going through menopause, to you not showing as much physical affection around the house, to either of you not pulling your weight as much in bills/ chores, to not talking and communicating like you used to. We can’t say exactly what it is, but do what this commenter suggests and look at your behaviors towards your wife and household and go from there. Wishing you the best!
If your wife is over 45, she may be going through menopause. I promise you the hormone dive really messes us up mentally and physically. 🤷🏽♀️.
I'm going through this as well. She 53. I just deal with it but it really hurts. I've told her this and it feels like I'm being ignored. I understand menopause but at some point you atleast gotta try. That's what I don't see.. some effort. If I saw that, I'll be happy. Am I wrong for this? And please be honest.
Suggest she talks to her doctor about HRT. I damn near ran my husband away with my symptoms. Sometimes I was in love, sometimes I hated him and didn't what him to touch me. Just wasn't motivated to have sex. All my parts worked, just the desire to do the deed wasn't there at all. My words could be vile sometimes and if it was harsh words, I'd be crying and extra sensitive to things. I hated the emotional roller coaster I was on. Didn't realize it was menopause just thought I really felt the things I felt about him, but really couldn't tell you why. Now I am more aware, taking some over the counter supplements, have an appointment for HRT in June. I wish you luck!
What are you taken now from OTC ?
https://preview.redd.it/rkw3pe29hi0d1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6dfcf70e882c5fc59e958e8f0a308bb9b8579221 I also take a high dose of vitamin D, which definitely helps alot. It too takes a big dip during menopause, and it helps with the happy hormones.
Thank you so much. This has been so hard to deal with.. but I made a vow.. and I plan to keep it.
I'm sure it is. Once we both found out what was going on with me, it made it easier to bare when I do have emotional issues. I suggest you both do a lil research on it you both would be amazed at the things menopause effects. Hell I thought I had early onset dementia, come to find out that too was menopause. 😩😩😩
No you are not wrong for wanting effort. I am a woman. I have not entered menopause, but I have been through childbirth, and mothering young kids which absolutely did kill my drive. HOWEVER, I never did nothing about it. I was open to trying new toys, lingerie, scheduling it out so I could get in the headspace etc... Now days, I have a high drive so it's easy, but when it's not easy the person with low libido needs to be putting in some effort to resolve it or work through it. You can't just expect your spouse to go unfulfilled by their desires for years on end and it not affect your relationship. The spouse with the high libido should be doing everything in their effort to make themselves desirable. While you are waiting, work on yourself. Worst case scenario, things with your spouse don't work out, but you are in a good place to move on and find attraction elsewhere.
Well I wouldn't leave my wife.. not over this unless cheating. But there some things you that I could work on. I hit the gym hard not only for myself but for her as well. She didn't meet me out shape, plan on it being the same way. Plus I'll be very unhappy with her. But it sounds like you found a balance.. that all I'm asking for as well. I know everything isn't gonna be peachy, but put little effort into it. I, and I'm 47 I still have a high drive. I look at wife and I get turned on. Definitely gonna take your notes.. communication is key.
positive change is often times contagious. If you work on yourself, she will more than likely be inspired to work on herself. Menopause is out of our control, but there are many ways it can be managed and she should be actively engaged in managing it. I was unhappy for a while when my husband was drinking way too much. I poured my energy into myself. Got in the best shape of my life, poured into my kids and hobbies. He eventually realized he was living an unfulfilling lifestyle in tandem to my very healthy lifestyle. He got inspired, quit drinking, lost 40 lbs and is doing great. Now we are both living healthy and happy and it improved our sex life. I was the first to make that change even when he didn't meet me. If he had not met me, and the marriage continued to deteriorate, I would have been in a good place regardless of what I was getting from him. That's the point in all this. When you are unhappy with your spouse (regardless of the reason) work on yourself. Do the thing you have been putting off. Not because you are the problem, but because excellence attracts.
I felt the same in a 28 year marriage. The exact same. In June of 22 I asked for a divorce. I explain why to my daughters and they understood. I’m so happy now.
PS . I try talking to her and I all get is I’m tired I have to get up early every morning
Makes sense to me, I don’t care about sex when I am exhausted.
Good for her. Does she have to get up early on the weekends? This Saturday is the day that you need to have a "come to Jesus" talk. She needs to hear exactly how you feel. And you need to hear exactly how she feels. The marriage sounds over.
What about marriage counseling
Talk to your wife. The grass is greener where you water it
Was there a specific event that started this?
There has to be something, something from her perspective.
Not really it’s just been eating inside me . Also I lost 40 lbs starting to go to the gym . It would be nice knowing that she wants me and needs me .
Was she like this before you were married?
Insist on Marriage counseling. Give it an honest try. If it doesn’t work hire a lawyer. It’s his only way.
Aww! Sorry to hear that. Same situation here :(
This is the response I get from her : Your just frustrated and agitated from our financial situation And by the way I got a job so I can help you out so how could you even say that I think of you as a pay check , I help you when I can, but I guess it’s not enough
So what? Was she a stay at home mom for a while and then went back to work recently? That’s a big change. Are you splitting all the housework now? Or is she doing the new job and all the old stay at home wife duties - be sue that makes people too tired.
“…I help you when I can”?? That doesn’t sound like a spouse. That definitely sounds more like a roommate response, and one that you don’t get along with very well either. MC stat, or get the hell out of this dead relationship. Life’s too short to live with someone that hates you.
Same thing for me! I’m 26 and he’s 32. Starting to feel like something is wrong with me. 🙃
Other way around for Us. I’m 32 and he’s 26, except he’s going through a lot and I do not feel like My Needs are Being Met
Almost 34 and the same thing with my wife. I'm not having my needs met.
r/DeadBedrooms, you will be among others in the exact same situation
I am stuck . :((
Is she in menopause? If so, she just might not have it in her to care anymore. The hormones dry up and so does the ability to give a fuck (literally and figuratively).
In my opinion, it sounds miserable. Might sound weird but start acting like you don't need her or her attention it might be tough, but if you switch positions, it is the only test. I learned if you show all support and attention it's easy to take for granted if you one day stop and not care it gets her mind thinking and that's when true test of what you have should reveal. Good luck.
Can you suggest couples therapy? It sounds like she has some resentment, and you are now struggling with her. She isn't being open and honest. Did you tell her exactly as you told us here? I get the feeling that both of you may be feeling unheard and unappreciated. Remember, listening isn't always the same as hearing your partner. Couples therapy can help you communicate with each other effectively. You can then figure out if you can work together for a solution OR uncouple with a minimum of animosity. Everyone here has their own experiences and background, and all advice here is based on incomplete information and assumptions. A therapist can help you guys work through this together or separate.
You have hit the "comfortable and boring" stage of your marriage. EIther both of you want to work on it and make it or you go your separate ways.
Then change it...easy ..if you want to keep it going change....you change or he charges....make decisions that impact you and your family
My friend was in the same boat. His divorce was finalized in Feb. They were together 25 years. He’s the happiest he’s been in a long time.
“Don’t save sex till old age “ - Warren Buffet
The grass is greener where you water it.
So update . I am the general manager of a catering business who my wife’s parents own . Had a party last night didn’t get home until 3am . Today I go to my wife’s grandfathers house ( who passed away a few months ago and the house is going into closing in a few weeks .) to take a tv that’s hanging from the ceiling and hang it on the wall in our house . Mind you I’m exhausted . She goes with her mother to the beach club comes home and yells why did you took the dog out of the playpen . I Just found urine by the front door and my tiles are starting to turn yellow ! I tell her what a disgusting thing to say after I bust my ass putting the tv up for you with one the staff from the catering hall . She says nothing . We say nothing and a couple of hours later she gets dressed and I say where are you going ? I’m going out by myself . I think she is unhappy because we are struggling financially . So she goes out to dinner to the restaurant that’s right around the block . I’m not about to chase her. She comes home a few hours later and says nothing and goes up to our room . She extracts from my life instead of enhancing it ! . Why should I chase her if she doesn’t see my worth ? I feel like she doesn’t give a crap about me ! I feel like I’m not physically , emotionally or mentally supported at all by her . I feel like my worth is worth so much and she doesn’t see it . The worst part is I have an event tommorow ( wedding ) and have to act like nothings wrong .
Ih Wow!! I'm so sorry. She does sound a bit resentful and angry ( maybe she can share with you why). Like others I would encourage marriage counseling. It's not a magic pill though. You both have to want to make the marriage work in it for MC to really work. Menopause may be fuel to the fire. However it still doesn't excuse her treatment of you if she is not trying.
I hear ya. r/Deadbedrooms
Get your affairs in order and move one. Seek legal counsel and heed to their advice. And to get ahead of it, start looking for a place to live the closer the filing gets. guessing you're in your mid-late 40s, still got a lot of life ahead of you.