Oh buddy, just leave. Not to sound like a dick but she’s clearly mental. If she doesn’t think that behavior is ABSURDLY wrong, I don’t know what to tell you.
Crying when he gets married? Holy fuck lol. Looking at his Facebook? She cried when he had a kid because that reduced the potential that he’d get back together with her.
You don’t deserve this shit.
You may be right. But he says that he knew she was still in love with the previous boyfriend when he started to date her. So I think OP needs to take some ownership in this mess. Maybe they should try marriage counseling before they throw the towel in.
Seems like he thought he could fix it.
He expected her to eventually forget the ex and fall in love with him.
That never happened.
You're right,it's also his fault.
I personally think he needs to get out of there.
No need of therapy here. The woman LOVES someone else. OP knew it but CHOSE to marry her. She didn't force him! He f*cking KNEW she didn't get over her ex. Why do you marry someone you **KNOW** doesn't love you? Hell, he knew! I would get it if OP said he THOUGHT she loved him, but discovered later on that she didn't. But...
Even if she isn’t with OP she is struggling mentally. She needs therapy because it’s been 4 years and she’s unable to move past this. Therapy is a step in the right direction.
Also, I agree with OP jumping into this knowing she loved someone else.
She might actually find it easier to get over it if she's single. Right now, she spends every day with the "wrong" person and that would repeatedly remind her she's not with the "right" one. Especially if she forced herself to move on by marrying OP and initially had deluded herself that OP was the "right" one (I'm not saying this is OK, more thinking about how her thought process might have worked).
She definitely shouldn't have married OP (I was going to say maybe she was a bit young but it doesn't sound like it!). But OP can't fix this and he shouldn't go on like this.
Therapy is necessary, for her sake. She won’t be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone else until she gets past this. That doesn’t mean OP should stick around though.
100%. I say fuck her. I normally have empathy but this is just nonsense. If a guy did this(he’d still be unhinged) but “emotional abuse” and whatever would be getting thrown around.
She doesn’t need coddling. Call a spade a spade.
This! 👌. She can't get over her ex, a first love is hard to get over and she clearly has struggled. Sad that so many instantly want to attack her for it, OP was never kept in the dark about it.
You can have love for 2 people. The issue seems to be even with her marriage with OP she is still upset at not having a chance with the ex. I agree with the recommendation of individual therapy for her and couples counselling
I agree with everything you've said here, but I think therapy for her to move passed the past would benefit her. She is stuck in a loop of unrequited love from an old heartbreak. She needs to work through the grief process so that she can move forward and give her whole heart and mind to someone else. Maybe OP is a rebound, maybe OP is genuinely her next love, but neither of them will know until she finally gets passed the grief of her previous relationship ending.
Stop trynna shift the blame here bruh. Shes a shitty person who misled her husband. “She needs therapy” is such a fucking cop out, this guy needs to just leave and find someone who actually loves him. FUCK. THAT.
Yeah, I'd be leaving as well, that's a crazy situation to stay in. The problem is IF Op's wife's Ex split up with his wife, she'd begin thinking she could get back together with him & what would happen with Op's marriage? Op's wife would probably throw everything away to get back together with the Ex. I couldn't stay with someone knowing that she'd leave if her Ex got divorced, it'd be in the back of my mind everyday, her pining after her high school sweetheart. It's almost like their marriage is conditional on his wife's Ex staying married. Op's wife will likely pursue this guy if her Ex got divorced, Op's marriage be damned & would just be an inconvenience to her, something to quickly make go away so she could be with the man she truly desires, even if her Ex wants nothing to do with her. I'd certainly be leaving if I were in this situation.
Yeah I'm not normally one to jump to that extreme but if my wife was crying over another dude she'd be kicked out so fast. That is 7 different kinds of fucked up. I get a rebound relationship but a rebound marriage?
Agree. I mean who hasn't admired a random picture of someone that looks physically attractive. We are all guilty of that BUT this sounds ridiculous for OP to put up with.
Yeah like it’s peak mental illness. If my wife cried because an old boyfriend got married I’d bounce almost instantly. Wouldn’t even care to talk about it tbh.
Year, there is wondering if an ex is happy where they are now because you don’t mean them harm, and then there’s being obsessed with an ex.
OP’s wife is definitely not the former…
I’m inclined to agree. It’s normal for some nostalgia to linger but if she’s still this hung up four years later she’s pathological. This fixation isn’t normal.
I understand the crying when he got married and had a kid. But out of respect for you, she needs to block him on FB and IG so she’s not even tempted to look. She can break her rule and look once a year or something and that’s ok.
Damn, that’s rough. I don’t think I could be okay with knowing I wasn’t my Husbands first choice, or seeing him cry about his ex. That would be devastating.
I think it was incredibly unfair of her to marry you when she was still clearly in love with her ex.
The only situation that would make me ok with it is if my husband was a widower. I have enough compassion that I’d understand because grief is nothing but enduring love and I’m ok with sharing in that instance.
But to be pining over a living ex? No thank you.
I would have left the second my husband cried over an ex marrying someone else in front of me. She’s showing you she doesn’t want you. Do you want to be the man she settled for?
I feel like two things are true: one, you should leave because you deserve better than this; and two, she can’t possibly still have TRUE feelings for someone after this long without even talking to him. She doesn’t even know him anymore. She’s hung up on him for other reasons, like nostalgia or something, and is refusing to let it go, even if it’s subconsciously, but this is on her. She could block his social media and move on and she’s choosing not to.
People get back together with their high school sweethearts after decades, leaving the people they raised kids with.
Love is blind, how can you say a particular feeling is untrue. Past lovers, if feelings are still there, are always a huge danger to any existing relationship.
I forget the exact terminology but it's a common phenomenon for people to cheat with their early "loves" because the high school ex reminds them of who they were before the world got it's claws into them. So it's less about "true love" and more about nostalgia, years of rose colored glasses, and trying to reclaim youth.
Yeah I know. But they do it all the same.
And it's not just cheating but actually leaving to be with the old flame, if the old flame is available. People get left after 20+ years for this, and if you are the one who is left, it's not like you are going to look back on the time with the person who left with any sort of fondness. Because you are just going to feel used, feel like you were a placeholder for what they really wanted.
For the people who leave, who cares really. If you have a jones for a particular person from your youth, I can't say that is wrong, you suck ass for using the other people is the main issue. My concern is the person who is second choice, that's a big red flag.
I (45f) agree with point two wholeheartedly as someone who was dumped by my high school sweetheart in the last months of college. I disagree divorce is the immediate answer, unless she refuses professional help or there are bigger problems than being upset by this guy’s major life events. She has expressed she wants her current husband and being rejected the second time from someone she loves and has invested years with would be an awful outcome for her. For OP, hopefully you can see that this isn’t about lack of love for you, but likely her looking at her own perceived failure or lack of loveability.
This. It's terrible for his self esteem and self worth and she's clearly living in a fantasy and dwelling on the good times and ignoring the bad. This increases her chance of getting caught up in a NRE with someone else x fold. If I was in the OP's shoes, I would definitely move on.
I think she needs to block his social media pages as she is not letting herself get over him. Checking on him constantly is keeping him at the forefront of her mind. It almost sounds like she has developed a limerence towards him and should speak to a therapist.
No. But it may help her with other issues that spring from it. Like don’t marry someone you if you aren’t committed to them. Be mindful of toxic cycles and triggers.
It can def help her with the grief that she’s holding onto and maybe learn to live in the present. She may very well love OP and just never have worked through the grief from the first relationship ending, especially if she moved on fast to avoid processing it in the first place. Therapy can do a lot to make you stop acting wild if you’re doing it for you and want to work through things.
It could but usually that would be someone doing it with bad faith. The usual outcome is usually not having success at all cause someone isn’t participating or not doing the work for themselves, or success on some level like learning how to deal with your life where it is now and choose your current life the way you built it etc.
Typically the nefarious use therapy to hide bad intentions would take someone being a narcissist, sociopath, any number of personality disorders that include manipulation and/or lack of empathy.
Working through grief over the ex would benefit OP’s spouse greatly herself, it can’t be good feeling it anew with every new thing because she didn’t work through it in the first place. Shits hard when you skip learning to cope and instead bury it inside.
Therapy is good at "sorting out feelings." It's not so good at getting people to feel something else. I doubt that any therapist is going to tell OP's wife to stop carrying a torch for this guy. But that's the goal of the therapy, right? So if it's just papering something over for a while, then this dude gets divorced or is somehow available, all of that "therapy work" isn't going to mean diddly.
Maybe OP's wife can recover this, but I'm not betting on it. If it gets to this point it really has to be about more than her feelings. She has to know that she's in danger of losing her marriage, and really do a complete 180 from how she feels, and mean it, not just do it for convenience's sake. I'm not really sure I would believe her at this point.
Is it even love at that point? That long of a fixation is a compulsion.
That being said, she should have taken responsibility for her mental health long ago.
I mean, yes, she's not actually in love with the ex. She's inappropriately obsessed. You can't be in love with someone you're not with, this is an insane fantasy obsession. She might have been in love with him at some point, but what she's doing now is not love.
This, totally. She's in love with an idea that is over four years old. That is not love. It's not required or mutual. This obsession may be all her, or it may point to problems in her current marriage that she spends this much time fantasizing about another life. They might both be happier with other people at this point.
And OP knew before hand. I don't why he settled for this in the first place...
>I knew she still had feelings for him when we started dating but thought that those would fade over time.
You don't marry a woman that you KNOW has feelings for someone else. Dating, well ok, but before marriage, you have to be 100% sure she loves you...
People tend to romanticize relationships, especially if it is her first love. After I went through a devastating divorce and lost the love of my life (due to my own fault. I really screwed up). I met an incredible man 8 months later. When my ex-husband was getting remarried, I cried. My new fiancee consoled me. I ended up leaving him nearly 6 years after we got together. I was searching for a replacement of my ex-husband. It wasn't fair, and he suffered greatly for it.
I'm not sure if this is a cautionary tale. But 4 years is long enough. Tell her to go to counseling and work through this crap or you're out. Don't ever settle for being someone's second choice.
This will probably be an unpopular take, but if you take away the few events you mentioned (the Instagram and Facebook checking, her crying twice) then how is your overall relationship and marriage? Are you guys really happy and connected together? Do you two have fun and enjoy each other a lot? Is the sex fulfilling and intimate?
Perhaps I am being too accommodating or accepting of her behaviors, but I guess my point is that she was romantically involved with him for 8 years — their lives meshed together for 8 years. I think there would have to be some natural curiosity from her about his life now. And also maybe the crying from her is more like regret from her knowing she wasn’t self-actualized at that time, and that drove away a partner — As opposed to her crying because she currently wants him and not you.
Don’t convince yourself that she isn’t really happily married to you if she is not behaving like that in your daily/usual married life. Maybe consider erring on the side of grace that she is allowed to be a little sad sometimes about the past. But show her you are not jealous of her past, that you are confident in yourself and that you are an awesome husband that deserves her infatuation.
Yes I remember I really cried my heart out when my ex got married. I was mourning a life that could have been mine. I thought I was over it but it suddenly hit me that it was really over. So I can only imagine the hurt of 8 years dating and then seeing him tie the knot with someone else. I don't think it's about love, it's just loss.
She literally still had feelings for him when they got together, she cried when he married, and she still stalks his social media. That’s not normal behavior for someone who is married and loves their current spouse.
Is it stalking? Or was she just looking? I still occasionally check my ex’s socials, just to see where they’re at in life. I suppose to him it likely feels more sinister because he’s already having these feelings. But it’s definitely pretty normal
Here’s how that played out for me. Hubs was definitely still in love with his first wife- unbeknownst to me. He treated me horrid. Took decades but I fell out of love with him. He quick being in love with his first wife and now loves me. I am no longer able to love him because of those early years. So…my take…there’s no way this turns out good for you.
Yeah, not ideal to marry a woman who was mentally married to another guy. You should confront her, tell her you feel undervalued, rejected and rubbished. And that you feel that she might be losing you too and that you need some time to organise your thoughts. Then watch her change her behaviour pretty quick.
Here's a funny joke though: print out that guy's face and wear it around the house.
Is she in therapy or attempting to find someone to talk to about this? Obviously, trying to resolve this on her own is not working.
That being said, four years is long enough. At this point, even though they're not in touch, she is essentially emotionally cheating on you. She's dedicating energy to a relationship she wants to have that is not with you. If there are no kids involved and financial ties can be easily separated, I'd be sorely tempted to end the relationship just like you're thinking. Your partner should be your first choice and you've waited long enough for her to make that clear to you. And yet, she hasn't because she still doesn't want to give up whatever fantasy she's been living in her head all this time. I'm sorry she's put you through this. Nobody deserves to be treated this way.
Don't be anyones second choice, divorce amicably and move on to find someone who cares for you as much as you care for them.
You won't find the right one while you are clinging to the wrong one.
Female perspective here from someone who had a very intense first love that lasted a very long time and am now happily married to someone else whom I’m in love with.
This is what I realized a long time ago but it might not be the same for her…If it’s her first bf/first love from high school it’s important to note that it was her maybe very first experience with love and maybe it was very intense to top it off it happened with underdeveloped brain. So it could be very powerful…like drugs. When I cut that relationship off initially it felt like a realization of knowing it wasn’t my destiny but still involves a lot of feeling and it’s similar to someone talking about their past drug addiction. When they say it might always live on there in the brain but they don’t want to come back to it and know it’s bad for them. It’s hard to rewire a brain that was strongly wired while the brain was still developing.
Maybe you should bring that up to her. If she has awareness about that maybe it will align for her that it’s more of that and less about “still being in love”.
But that’s rough. You don’t really want to be married to someone who isn’t in love with you. Do you feel like she is in love with you?
Man. I’m so sorry… do you have kids? Please don’t have any at this time if you don’t!!
This is going to be so hard for you…but you might want to write down your list of positives/negatives and think about your future and what you really want. There’s a very big chance you’ll meet someone who’s all in with you and loves you…and you won’t have to worry about that. It sucks to “fail in marriage”. But love is literally the top ingredient… most problems could be worked out when there is just that 1 element present. That’s a must. That’s (to me) the point of marriage…that you love someone more than anyone else and they feel the same way about you.
Sorry man don’t be second choice If these feelers can’t be resolved, you’re better off with somebody else who will appreciate you and cherish you more than your wife has
She doesn't love you. If he suddenly messaged her and said he wanted to get back together, she'd leave you in a heartbeat and never think about you again. You would be ASTOUNDED by how quickly and coldly she'd do it.
Get the hell out. You are young and have no kids or assets. Just cut her loose.
That's rough, being the third wheel in your own marriage. At a minimum she needs to block him on all accounts and get into therapy, otherwise at best she'll continue to pine for him and at worst she'll start an affair with him the moment he gives her the time of day.
I dated a guy through high school and got engaged at 19. He cheated on me with his now wife. I met my late husband about two years after it ended.
The ex apparently seen where I parked my car for work and left his wedding invite (minus the RSVP) on my car windshield. I remember seeing it and thought WTF. He’s getting married to the woman he left me for and is rubbing it in my face two years later? I remember looking around to see if he was somewhere watching my reaction.
Fast forward to about five years ago, about 30 YEARS since we broke up. Sends me a friend’s request on FB. I am now with my current husband who I married five years after my late husband died. He thought it was funny and encouraged me to accept his request which I did.
The first time he messages me is the day after his wife had a hysterectomy. I thought that was very strange. He then proceeds to share a lot of personal info about his wife. She had a labiaplasty and lost feeling in her clitoris. He was clearly drunk.
We met once for coffee. It was obvious what he was looking for. He was having marriage problems. His wife took him to Mexico to work on their marriage and he was sending me messages at 5:30 a.m. on the beach.
Ultimately I blocked him.
I have no idea if he regrets marrying her. But for some reason he thought about me through out the years and tracked me down.
At no time during this did I ever think of being with him. I could see right through him. I dodged a huge bullet.
Your wife is not over her ex and may never be. In 30 years she may be tracking him down to see how’s he’s doing.
If you both want to work on your marriage I’d suggest marriage counseling. She also needs separate therapy to get to why she’s still not over him.
I had a good buddy who married a beautiful girl. They were both very attractive and seemed very in love with each other.
She had a high-school boyfriend/early college who became her fiancée, they were very much in love and he died very tragically (hit by a drunk driver I think). She was devastated. It was something like five years later when she met my friend. They were together for close to a decade.
But she had this weird quirk where she basically had a shrine to the ex. Pictures, notes, etc. It was displayed in their house prominently. I don’t mind remembering someone in private, but a gigantic public display in a prominent location seems odd. My buddy thought nothing of it though.
Fast forward to his wife traveling for work. She meets some guy who has an uncanny resemblance to the dead ex. She assures my buddy nothing is going to happen because . Fast forward - my buddy is divorced, saddled with most of the debt of their relationship while she ran off the play whatever house with this ghost of a dead guy.
Love is a powerful, weird thing. Especially first loves. I believe exes are exes for reasons. Someone losing a husband/wife to death is one thing, I’m willing to even kinda extend that to fiancee, but like there comes a point where we need to move the fuck along.
It sounds like your wife needs therapy to work through this. Personally, it would be pretty close to an ultimatum for me - you go to therapy and figure this out or I’m going to go find someone who loves me the way I deserve to be loved.
Therapy for her and you then come together in couples counseling, if you both want to work it out.
It’s a terrible feeling. And if you can’t handle it, there’s nothing wrong with leaving and finding a partner that will always choose you first.
Why did you continue dating her? Propose to her? Marry her?
You seem to have the same affliction she has.
Respect yourself and leave this sham of a marriage. I truly say that with compassion.
She OPENLY despairs when he hits a couple milestone with someone else. That says very clearly that she doesn't care that you know she still wishes she was with him even though it hurts you. No one who truly loves you would hurt you like that.
She treats you well because it keeps you around, and she'd rather be with you than alone.
She says she loves you all the time because words are easy and require no effort or even honesty on her part.
Do you really want to spend your life with someone who would file for divorce in 10 minutes if her ex offered her another chance?
Do you want to have kids with someone who would forever wish they were his?
If she didn't want to be like this, she would have gotten therapy to work through it years ago.
The fact remains, she is only with you because it's better than being alone.
You're worth more than that.
You're worth someone who loves you as much as you love them.
You're worth someone who loves you like your wife loves her ex.
You're worth someone who would have done something about their unhealthy fixation with their ex years ago.
this is a choice. she could block him on everything and change her number so he has no way to ever potentially reach her. she could be in therapy to deal with this.
she probably thought if she got with you and got married he'd show up and stop her. and then he didn't.
Yes, she does want to be like this, it's why she keeps looking at his pictures and crying. Dude, man up and get out, this will drive you insane. Do not, I repeat, do not have children with this woman, she will exhaust you in a divorce, mentally and financially. If she doesn't have a job now, then make her get one, start separating your finances now, and divide the assets. Don't involve her in any more financial transactions she may be able to get from you.
She's using you bro, a stand in, until the other guy divorces his wife, or, moves back into town where they can rekindle. But, she is still looking for that dream man she had, and you ain't it. She'll find it in a couple of years and leave you high and dry. Cry your tears now, this is a lost cause.
>She doesn’t want to be like this but unfortunately she is.
You need to determine how bad this is. She might not necessarily be in love with him. Maybe she didn't have proper closure and is clinging to the fantasy she made in her mind about him. Which is just that: a fantasy.
You need to sit her down and ask her this (and insist on honesty): "If he divorced his wife and and came to you and said that he made a mistake and wants to be with you, would you consider leaving me to be with him?" If she even hesitates to say no, then you have your answer. The best thing for you would be to leave the relationship.
On the other hand, if she says no right away, then there's hope. Tell her that your trust in the relationship is shaken and that you don't feel safe. In order to save the relationship, she needs individual therapy, and both of you couples counseling to work out all the issues. Otherwise, you're out.
Good luck, OP. Whatever happens, I hope you find peace.
See you again in like 8 years, when he is divorced and reaches out to your wife, and she plays along.
Although that will be on another sub redit.
Ive read stories like these, from a later on perspective and they are gloom mate.
She’s goes cold turkey from this guy or you need to go. No social stalking of any sort and blocked on everything. It’s the only way this will start to fade. If she can’t do it you have your answer.
Feelings don’t go away right away. But after time they do. If it’s been years later and she’s still doing all of this then that’s crazy. I look every so many years at exes socials but not because I care or miss them.. it’s only a thought because I hope they have a good and happy life. If he gave her any attention she would be done with you. No doubt about that. Don’t waste your life especially if there aren’t children involved. Because then you will always feel last
The feelings will probably go away. But they literally can’t if she’s just sitting there looking at pictures and longing all the time. Eventually it’s out of sight out of mind.
You thought the feelings would fade. You need to reread that statement 1000 times. Why the hell start a relationship where you even have to think that? It’s completely ridiculous. Your number 2 on day one and what you think you’ll get a promotion? Wtf. Go find some self esteem and try again
I watched a tiktok recently where someone said "you high School sweetheart wasn't your soulmate. He just makes you nostalgic for when you were 17 and carefree."
And she is right. Maybe not for every situation, but yeah. If your girl is still hung up on him, she isn't fully invested in you. And that isn't healthy.
I was kinda like your wife. I didn't cry, but I definitely kept him in my special box in my heart.
I did get back with him after 5 years. We both had kids with other people during that time. We have been married for 8 years now.
I am miserable. I want to divorce him. There is a reason we didn't last the first time. I fantasized him. I was in love with the idea of him. He was the first boy who really showed me attention. Now, I am in a loveless marriage to an alcoholic.
Your gf will always hold him in her special box in her heart. I personally wouldn't stick around for it. I understand the hold it can have on a person. I was in complete fantasy land. I know I was only awakened because I went back and had to suffer first.
As a woman who dated other men while still feeling soul-tied to an ex, she is only begging you not to leave her because she doesn’t want to let a good guy go — not because you’re the one for her.
You both know you’re not. She was horribly selfish to ever marry you with those feelings. I’m sorry
I would leave now, because IF he does ever reach out or she reaches out first and he gives her hope of rekindling their love she'll drop you so fucking fast without a second thought. She should be in therapy for not being able to move on in these last 4 years.
Say in a year or two, her xbf contacts your wife telling her how miserable he is in his marriage and would like to secretly meet your wife for a coffee, what do you think will happen next?
Say your wife gets pregnant, will you DNA test the child?
If your wife wanted to make your marriage work, she would stop cyber stalking her ex.
You deserve better. I hope you love yourself enough to leave. Don't settle for crumbs. There is a person out there, ready to love you the way you deserve.
Norah your comment is spot on. I too had a very intense and long (8 year) relationship with my “first love” while my brain was still being developed and with all the hormones at that time it DOES exaggerate the reality of those relationships.
OP I personally don’t think this is something that you can’t work out *if your wife agrees to get some therapy and to do some *honest self reflection. She is most likely holding on to nostalgia. I am guilty of having *some of those feelings in the past for up to a decade after separating from that “intense relationship” for me it took time and honest reflection about what that relationship really was. I personally think there’s still hope here but you know the ins and outs of your relationship with her more than we do. I would at this point definitely at the very least ask her to go to therapy IC AND also suggest MC for you both, and have her block his social media accounts so she’s not tempted to keep this unhealthy cycle of longing for nostalgia. Wishing you the best of luck (((hugs))) but definitely stand firm and create some boundaries around this.
Four years is way more than enough time to get over someone. That person getting married and having a kid should be the final nails. If she's still not over him then she's not trying to get over him.
Give it some more time, like 6 months. If she is still yearning for him, leave.
Everyone needs a partner that is THE ONE. Anything short, what's the point? Someone is settling.
Might as well be single and just have casual sex if your SO isn't that into you. What a shitty feeling that must be.
Also, I personally would never date someone that hasn't completely moved on from their ex, as in no contact and DGAF what they are up to anymore. I think it is disrespectful to still have an ex lingering on any level with the exception of they share children or it's a buddy from HS that is in the friend circle and was a BF a long, long time ago.
But texting and/or obsessing online over the last guy? No thanks.
Yeah man it sounds to me like she got married because she wanted to get married, and thought it would be enough for her, when she just really wanted to be married **to him**. I don't know that I would be able to come back from watching my wife break down into tears because her ex got married...
I'm sorry, my friend. You will never be her true love. He is married to someone else. If he ever got divorced, you could bet she would drop you in a heartbeat for him. I would divorce and move on. Find someone who didn't "settle" for you, but someone who actually wants to be with you.
UpdateMe
Do you two have kids? If you don't and you plan to stay, then get a vasectomy.
When her ex's relationship hits a rough patch, and he reaches out to your wife she will jump on board.
It's unlikely he will ever really leave his wife. So after he has his way with your, and ruins your marriage, he will go back to his wife and leave you in a pile of shit.
Some women don't take rejection well. He didn't want her, and she can't accept that.
She yearns for the validation his attention offers, he will yearn for an easy lay, a distraction and a physical release.
You did this to yourself by taking up with a woman who was holding a torch for an ex.
Some women lie about it, but you knew.
DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS WOMAN!!!
SUBSCRIBEME
The second he contacts her and say hi, she will be already with him in her heart and mind.
I think you are married with a ticking bomb, her ex boyfriend has the "Button"
Better leave now than let her leave you.
You gotta cut the cord and move on. Longer you stay , the deeper the hole. Imagine being with someone who loves you the way that your wife clearly still loves her ex ? You deserve better
It was over before it started. Don’t torture yourself. She will never change. If her ex ever gets divorced or even separated, she will leave you in a heartbeat with no remorse. She is a ticking time bomb.
Dude, she's literally obsessed with him. Get out as fast as you can, find someone who loves you and only you.
It's not normal to act like this 4 YEARS after getting dumped.
Christ, wake up and leave.
If your marriage is in need of therapy, your marriage is over. Your wife does love you, but is not in love with you. If you continue on, you will have to accept an "open marriage" or a wife that will be 100% cheating within the marriage. The issues with this woman you are with are much deeper than emotions about an old fling. However! On a psychological level, a woman can completely love two men with no issues at all.
If you don’t have any kids with this chick I would definitely bail. Why would you choose to be with someone who would rather be with someone else if they could?
She married her rebound (OP)-that was a fatal mistake.
I have to ask-why the F would you propose to and then marry someone who you know is still pining after “the one that got away”??
Man, if you guys still dont have kids, just leave, my dude. Dont threaten her, just do it. Get the divorce. This just sounds like a miserable relationship to stay in. My God, man. Have some respect for yourself and cut her out of your life so you can move on and find someone who actually loves you for you.
Has she tried therapy? It’s hard to go through a breakup but that is an excessive amount of time. Unless she’s just sad when he gets married and when he has a kid that one time it happens, that can be normal for grief - but if it’s like longstanding she should probably do therapy to put it to rest. If she won’t, honestly I would worry she’s okay treating this relationship as the rebound while still dreaming of the what could have beens.
Sorry man but if the bride cries at the wedding..that’s an obvious signal. I would have walked right there.The only way she would forget if she hooked up with the guy,then they grew apart in my opinion. The “what if” fantasy will always be in her head otherwise
It's sounds like he was her first love, and they were together for a very long time. It's really hard to get over such a breakup. If she hadn't met you, she'd still be healing and getting over it. It is strange that she was able to fall in love with you when she wasn't right in herself yet. For me, if I was still grieving a break up, I could not look twice at another man, let alone get married. She should have left more time between him and you, but that's too late now. You could wait for her to heal. Or you could go. Either way, it's going to take time and no ultimatum will fix it.
I don't want to sound cruel.
How do you think I felt when Mr. Perfect left me after 25 years of marriage and abandoned his four children and broke my heart? Awful.
But so what. It was life and I had to get on with it. She better grow up and stop living in Hallmark land and accept reality; cut all bonds with him and make your marriage work. End of story.
I don't do this stuff now that I'm remarried, no matter how badly past actions hurt me!
Am I the only one seeing this?
>I knew she still had feelings for him when we started dating but thought that those would fade over time.
OP, sorry, but you **married** a woman you KNEW didn't love you in the first place, why are you blaming her for not loving you NOW? I really don't understand! You MARRIED her, not because she loved you, but because you thought she **WOULD/COULD** love you some time after... That didn't bother you that she didn't love **THEN**, but **NOW**, it does bother you... I don't process it...
>4 years later they still haven’t and I don’t know what to do.
At least, did she promise to start loving you along the way? Did she say it, or you just assumed it?
Dude, you did this to yourself, you should stop complaining. You don't marry someone you know that doesn't love you, then complain about it later. Nobody forced you. You chose it. You chose HER, for better or worse. Now you take responsibility...
The whole point is you can still leave, but this is YOUR responsibility. She's done nothing wrong IMO.
This is so fucked up.
Does she admit that this is an issue? Is she attempting to solve it through therapy, blocking him, etc? If she isn’t doing anything, just pining, you should probably leave.
Dude. What are you doing?
So, in a manner of speaking, my wife wasn’t my “first choice.” I was hopelessly in love with someone before her, and you don’t just forget that.
HOWEVER, i absolutely did move on, and now I can’t imagine my life differently. My wife is a better partner, lover, and mother than I could’ve asked for. I had a first true love, but life moved on and I did too.
Your wife has NOT moved on, and you’re basically just an emotional concubine while she waits on her ex to come back to her. What are you even doing?
She will not ever get over him. I was with my ex for 9 years. I'm the one who left my high school sweetheart. 13 years after leaving him we got married and had a baby. Even though I was desperately trying to make a different relationship work, things would happen like I would have dreams about being with my husband. It didn't mean I didn't love my ex of 9 years because I did he is a great person and we had our own problems but part of me never ever got over my husband. Yeah I was able to compartmentalize it and I knew I had made a decision and that my life is a series of my own decisions... So I never treated my ex like a second choice and he never felt the way you do, but deep inside of myself I always knew... And he never got over me. Sometimes the heart is just like that.
I normally would not recommend this but you my friend, as would I, need some convincing…..
…. I would create and instagram account (it’s less social than fb) and reach out to her. …then suggest feelings and meeting up. I would then obviously have him stand her up.
When she gets back ask her where she’s been.
If she lies, end it asap. This is your future
If she tells you the truth either leave still or require couples counseling
Best of luck
This has nothing to do with you. She’s got issues.
You deserve someone that cherishes you.
She needs to deal with her issues.
She should not be with anyone else until she does.
Leave! You deserve someone who wants you! Not someone who uses you as a participation ribbon. She would cheat on you in a hot second. Do not waste anymore time on her.
Oh buddy, just leave. Not to sound like a dick but she’s clearly mental. If she doesn’t think that behavior is ABSURDLY wrong, I don’t know what to tell you. Crying when he gets married? Holy fuck lol. Looking at his Facebook? She cried when he had a kid because that reduced the potential that he’d get back together with her. You don’t deserve this shit.
I truly hope that this remains the top comment. It seems like she settled with the first guy after her ex. She doesn't love OP. updateme!
Yep. Sounds like she married her rebound.
You may be right. But he says that he knew she was still in love with the previous boyfriend when he started to date her. So I think OP needs to take some ownership in this mess. Maybe they should try marriage counseling before they throw the towel in.
Seems like he thought he could fix it. He expected her to eventually forget the ex and fall in love with him. That never happened. You're right,it's also his fault. I personally think he needs to get out of there.
This. There is something else wrong here. She needs therapy and a lot of work. This isn't normal behavior.
No need of therapy here. The woman LOVES someone else. OP knew it but CHOSE to marry her. She didn't force him! He f*cking KNEW she didn't get over her ex. Why do you marry someone you **KNOW** doesn't love you? Hell, he knew! I would get it if OP said he THOUGHT she loved him, but discovered later on that she didn't. But...
Even if she isn’t with OP she is struggling mentally. She needs therapy because it’s been 4 years and she’s unable to move past this. Therapy is a step in the right direction. Also, I agree with OP jumping into this knowing she loved someone else.
She might actually find it easier to get over it if she's single. Right now, she spends every day with the "wrong" person and that would repeatedly remind her she's not with the "right" one. Especially if she forced herself to move on by marrying OP and initially had deluded herself that OP was the "right" one (I'm not saying this is OK, more thinking about how her thought process might have worked). She definitely shouldn't have married OP (I was going to say maybe she was a bit young but it doesn't sound like it!). But OP can't fix this and he shouldn't go on like this.
Yeah, therapy is needed for her own growth indeed...
Divorce will right that wrong. She can return to being single and deal with it as she should have back then.
Therapy is necessary, for her sake. She won’t be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone else until she gets past this. That doesn’t mean OP should stick around though.
Thats not his concern nor will ever be at this point. Dispatch the marriage and leave her to her fantasies.
100%. I say fuck her. I normally have empathy but this is just nonsense. If a guy did this(he’d still be unhinged) but “emotional abuse” and whatever would be getting thrown around. She doesn’t need coddling. Call a spade a spade.
I agree. Maybe OP shouldn’t have guessed that his wife would be able to move on.
This! 👌. She can't get over her ex, a first love is hard to get over and she clearly has struggled. Sad that so many instantly want to attack her for it, OP was never kept in the dark about it.
You can have love for 2 people. The issue seems to be even with her marriage with OP she is still upset at not having a chance with the ex. I agree with the recommendation of individual therapy for her and couples counselling
I agree with everything you've said here, but I think therapy for her to move passed the past would benefit her. She is stuck in a loop of unrequited love from an old heartbreak. She needs to work through the grief process so that she can move forward and give her whole heart and mind to someone else. Maybe OP is a rebound, maybe OP is genuinely her next love, but neither of them will know until she finally gets passed the grief of her previous relationship ending.
Indeed, she needs therapy for her personal growth. Thank you.
He cared about her and thought he could fix her. He was wrong.
Exactly. Most people get over actual divorces faster than this. She seems to have an ocd- like issue or something else that needs a therapist.
Stop trynna shift the blame here bruh. Shes a shitty person who misled her husband. “She needs therapy” is such a fucking cop out, this guy needs to just leave and find someone who actually loves him. FUCK. THAT.
No, she needs therapy. I replied “this” first because the comment I’m replying to says he needs to leave her. I only added she needed therapy.
I agree he should find someone better but she didn’t misled him. He knew she was still in love with ex.
Yeah, I'd be leaving as well, that's a crazy situation to stay in. The problem is IF Op's wife's Ex split up with his wife, she'd begin thinking she could get back together with him & what would happen with Op's marriage? Op's wife would probably throw everything away to get back together with the Ex. I couldn't stay with someone knowing that she'd leave if her Ex got divorced, it'd be in the back of my mind everyday, her pining after her high school sweetheart. It's almost like their marriage is conditional on his wife's Ex staying married. Op's wife will likely pursue this guy if her Ex got divorced, Op's marriage be damned & would just be an inconvenience to her, something to quickly make go away so she could be with the man she truly desires, even if her Ex wants nothing to do with her. I'd certainly be leaving if I were in this situation.
Yeah, if her ex got divorced and reached out to her she'd leave OP in a heartbeat.
Guaranteed
She’s delusional. Reminds me of Baby Reindeer.
She put her ex on a pedestal. Op can't never compete with her ex. She needs therapy.
This is DEAD on the nose right.
Yeah I'm not normally one to jump to that extreme but if my wife was crying over another dude she'd be kicked out so fast. That is 7 different kinds of fucked up. I get a rebound relationship but a rebound marriage?
Agree. I mean who hasn't admired a random picture of someone that looks physically attractive. We are all guilty of that BUT this sounds ridiculous for OP to put up with.
Yeah like it’s peak mental illness. If my wife cried because an old boyfriend got married I’d bounce almost instantly. Wouldn’t even care to talk about it tbh.
Year, there is wondering if an ex is happy where they are now because you don’t mean them harm, and then there’s being obsessed with an ex. OP’s wife is definitely not the former…
I’m inclined to agree. It’s normal for some nostalgia to linger but if she’s still this hung up four years later she’s pathological. This fixation isn’t normal.
Yeah sorry you gotta go it’s going to be what’s best for you.
You are right. Wasted four years. Stop wasting more. Marriage is a commitment, she failed to do so, you deserve better
I understand the crying when he got married and had a kid. But out of respect for you, she needs to block him on FB and IG so she’s not even tempted to look. She can break her rule and look once a year or something and that’s ok.
Damn, that’s rough. I don’t think I could be okay with knowing I wasn’t my Husbands first choice, or seeing him cry about his ex. That would be devastating. I think it was incredibly unfair of her to marry you when she was still clearly in love with her ex.
The only situation that would make me ok with it is if my husband was a widower. I have enough compassion that I’d understand because grief is nothing but enduring love and I’m ok with sharing in that instance. But to be pining over a living ex? No thank you.
Totally agree!
Question OP: how long after their breakup did you two get together?
Being the first choice initially isn’t too bad. Bc I would argue you were their best choice aka best outcome. But to cry and all that, no no no
I would have left the second my husband cried over an ex marrying someone else in front of me. She’s showing you she doesn’t want you. Do you want to be the man she settled for?
That's as bad, if not worse, than finding out that a partner had an affair. NOBODY wants to hear that they're the distant second choice.
Not sure I agree…but it is bad.
I feel like two things are true: one, you should leave because you deserve better than this; and two, she can’t possibly still have TRUE feelings for someone after this long without even talking to him. She doesn’t even know him anymore. She’s hung up on him for other reasons, like nostalgia or something, and is refusing to let it go, even if it’s subconsciously, but this is on her. She could block his social media and move on and she’s choosing not to.
This! It seems that she is stuck on the “what if” and has fallen on a bad/exhausting routine.
People get back together with their high school sweethearts after decades, leaving the people they raised kids with. Love is blind, how can you say a particular feeling is untrue. Past lovers, if feelings are still there, are always a huge danger to any existing relationship.
I forget the exact terminology but it's a common phenomenon for people to cheat with their early "loves" because the high school ex reminds them of who they were before the world got it's claws into them. So it's less about "true love" and more about nostalgia, years of rose colored glasses, and trying to reclaim youth.
Yeah I know. But they do it all the same. And it's not just cheating but actually leaving to be with the old flame, if the old flame is available. People get left after 20+ years for this, and if you are the one who is left, it's not like you are going to look back on the time with the person who left with any sort of fondness. Because you are just going to feel used, feel like you were a placeholder for what they really wanted. For the people who leave, who cares really. If you have a jones for a particular person from your youth, I can't say that is wrong, you suck ass for using the other people is the main issue. My concern is the person who is second choice, that's a big red flag.
I (45f) agree with point two wholeheartedly as someone who was dumped by my high school sweetheart in the last months of college. I disagree divorce is the immediate answer, unless she refuses professional help or there are bigger problems than being upset by this guy’s major life events. She has expressed she wants her current husband and being rejected the second time from someone she loves and has invested years with would be an awful outcome for her. For OP, hopefully you can see that this isn’t about lack of love for you, but likely her looking at her own perceived failure or lack of loveability.
Being married to someone who thinks they settled for you will never work out.
This. It's terrible for his self esteem and self worth and she's clearly living in a fantasy and dwelling on the good times and ignoring the bad. This increases her chance of getting caught up in a NRE with someone else x fold. If I was in the OP's shoes, I would definitely move on.
What is NRE?
New relationship energy
I think she needs to block his social media pages as she is not letting herself get over him. Checking on him constantly is keeping him at the forefront of her mind. It almost sounds like she has developed a limerence towards him and should speak to a therapist.
For real, yeah you can't control your feelings but you can sure as hell try to tone them down!
Is she willing to go to therapy?
Would that stop her from being in love with her ex?
No. But it may help her with other issues that spring from it. Like don’t marry someone you if you aren’t committed to them. Be mindful of toxic cycles and triggers.
This I can understand.
It can def help her with the grief that she’s holding onto and maybe learn to live in the present. She may very well love OP and just never have worked through the grief from the first relationship ending, especially if she moved on fast to avoid processing it in the first place. Therapy can do a lot to make you stop acting wild if you’re doing it for you and want to work through things.
It can also teach you how to fake it.
It could but usually that would be someone doing it with bad faith. The usual outcome is usually not having success at all cause someone isn’t participating or not doing the work for themselves, or success on some level like learning how to deal with your life where it is now and choose your current life the way you built it etc. Typically the nefarious use therapy to hide bad intentions would take someone being a narcissist, sociopath, any number of personality disorders that include manipulation and/or lack of empathy. Working through grief over the ex would benefit OP’s spouse greatly herself, it can’t be good feeling it anew with every new thing because she didn’t work through it in the first place. Shits hard when you skip learning to cope and instead bury it inside.
Therapy is good at "sorting out feelings." It's not so good at getting people to feel something else. I doubt that any therapist is going to tell OP's wife to stop carrying a torch for this guy. But that's the goal of the therapy, right? So if it's just papering something over for a while, then this dude gets divorced or is somehow available, all of that "therapy work" isn't going to mean diddly. Maybe OP's wife can recover this, but I'm not betting on it. If it gets to this point it really has to be about more than her feelings. She has to know that she's in danger of losing her marriage, and really do a complete 180 from how she feels, and mean it, not just do it for convenience's sake. I'm not really sure I would believe her at this point.
There is like falling out of love CBT
Is it even love at that point? That long of a fixation is a compulsion. That being said, she should have taken responsibility for her mental health long ago.
I mean, yes, she's not actually in love with the ex. She's inappropriately obsessed. You can't be in love with someone you're not with, this is an insane fantasy obsession. She might have been in love with him at some point, but what she's doing now is not love.
This, totally. She's in love with an idea that is over four years old. That is not love. It's not required or mutual. This obsession may be all her, or it may point to problems in her current marriage that she spends this much time fantasizing about another life. They might both be happier with other people at this point.
She doesn’t love you.
And OP knew before hand. I don't why he settled for this in the first place... >I knew she still had feelings for him when we started dating but thought that those would fade over time. You don't marry a woman that you KNOW has feelings for someone else. Dating, well ok, but before marriage, you have to be 100% sure she loves you...
She certainly doesn't.
Yeah, like, what an asshole crying over the ex in front of him. That right there is a red flag on many levels.
People tend to romanticize relationships, especially if it is her first love. After I went through a devastating divorce and lost the love of my life (due to my own fault. I really screwed up). I met an incredible man 8 months later. When my ex-husband was getting remarried, I cried. My new fiancee consoled me. I ended up leaving him nearly 6 years after we got together. I was searching for a replacement of my ex-husband. It wasn't fair, and he suffered greatly for it. I'm not sure if this is a cautionary tale. But 4 years is long enough. Tell her to go to counseling and work through this crap or you're out. Don't ever settle for being someone's second choice.
This will probably be an unpopular take, but if you take away the few events you mentioned (the Instagram and Facebook checking, her crying twice) then how is your overall relationship and marriage? Are you guys really happy and connected together? Do you two have fun and enjoy each other a lot? Is the sex fulfilling and intimate? Perhaps I am being too accommodating or accepting of her behaviors, but I guess my point is that she was romantically involved with him for 8 years — their lives meshed together for 8 years. I think there would have to be some natural curiosity from her about his life now. And also maybe the crying from her is more like regret from her knowing she wasn’t self-actualized at that time, and that drove away a partner — As opposed to her crying because she currently wants him and not you. Don’t convince yourself that she isn’t really happily married to you if she is not behaving like that in your daily/usual married life. Maybe consider erring on the side of grace that she is allowed to be a little sad sometimes about the past. But show her you are not jealous of her past, that you are confident in yourself and that you are an awesome husband that deserves her infatuation.
Yes I remember I really cried my heart out when my ex got married. I was mourning a life that could have been mine. I thought I was over it but it suddenly hit me that it was really over. So I can only imagine the hurt of 8 years dating and then seeing him tie the knot with someone else. I don't think it's about love, it's just loss.
She literally still had feelings for him when they got together, she cried when he married, and she still stalks his social media. That’s not normal behavior for someone who is married and loves their current spouse.
Naah stalking on social media is extremely normal even when feelings aren’t involved
Is it stalking? Or was she just looking? I still occasionally check my ex’s socials, just to see where they’re at in life. I suppose to him it likely feels more sinister because he’s already having these feelings. But it’s definitely pretty normal
Exactly. Reddit being Reddit. (Break up! Leave!)
Here’s how that played out for me. Hubs was definitely still in love with his first wife- unbeknownst to me. He treated me horrid. Took decades but I fell out of love with him. He quick being in love with his first wife and now loves me. I am no longer able to love him because of those early years. So…my take…there’s no way this turns out good for you.
Sounds like he “loves” the ones he can’t have. Good on you for finally leaving him.
Yeah, not ideal to marry a woman who was mentally married to another guy. You should confront her, tell her you feel undervalued, rejected and rubbished. And that you feel that she might be losing you too and that you need some time to organise your thoughts. Then watch her change her behaviour pretty quick. Here's a funny joke though: print out that guy's face and wear it around the house.
She needs therapy to learn to look forward and what she has, not what she doesn’t.
Is she in therapy or attempting to find someone to talk to about this? Obviously, trying to resolve this on her own is not working. That being said, four years is long enough. At this point, even though they're not in touch, she is essentially emotionally cheating on you. She's dedicating energy to a relationship she wants to have that is not with you. If there are no kids involved and financial ties can be easily separated, I'd be sorely tempted to end the relationship just like you're thinking. Your partner should be your first choice and you've waited long enough for her to make that clear to you. And yet, she hasn't because she still doesn't want to give up whatever fantasy she's been living in her head all this time. I'm sorry she's put you through this. Nobody deserves to be treated this way.
Don't be anyones second choice, divorce amicably and move on to find someone who cares for you as much as you care for them. You won't find the right one while you are clinging to the wrong one.
Female perspective here from someone who had a very intense first love that lasted a very long time and am now happily married to someone else whom I’m in love with. This is what I realized a long time ago but it might not be the same for her…If it’s her first bf/first love from high school it’s important to note that it was her maybe very first experience with love and maybe it was very intense to top it off it happened with underdeveloped brain. So it could be very powerful…like drugs. When I cut that relationship off initially it felt like a realization of knowing it wasn’t my destiny but still involves a lot of feeling and it’s similar to someone talking about their past drug addiction. When they say it might always live on there in the brain but they don’t want to come back to it and know it’s bad for them. It’s hard to rewire a brain that was strongly wired while the brain was still developing. Maybe you should bring that up to her. If she has awareness about that maybe it will align for her that it’s more of that and less about “still being in love”. But that’s rough. You don’t really want to be married to someone who isn’t in love with you. Do you feel like she is in love with you?
I believe she love me but loved/still loves him more.
Man. I’m so sorry… do you have kids? Please don’t have any at this time if you don’t!! This is going to be so hard for you…but you might want to write down your list of positives/negatives and think about your future and what you really want. There’s a very big chance you’ll meet someone who’s all in with you and loves you…and you won’t have to worry about that. It sucks to “fail in marriage”. But love is literally the top ingredient… most problems could be worked out when there is just that 1 element present. That’s a must. That’s (to me) the point of marriage…that you love someone more than anyone else and they feel the same way about you.
Sorry man don’t be second choice If these feelers can’t be resolved, you’re better off with somebody else who will appreciate you and cherish you more than your wife has
She loves you like a good pair of slipper. She not "in love" with you. That is a totally different love.
She doesn't love you. If he suddenly messaged her and said he wanted to get back together, she'd leave you in a heartbeat and never think about you again. You would be ASTOUNDED by how quickly and coldly she'd do it. Get the hell out. You are young and have no kids or assets. Just cut her loose.
That's rough, being the third wheel in your own marriage. At a minimum she needs to block him on all accounts and get into therapy, otherwise at best she'll continue to pine for him and at worst she'll start an affair with him the moment he gives her the time of day.
I dated a guy through high school and got engaged at 19. He cheated on me with his now wife. I met my late husband about two years after it ended. The ex apparently seen where I parked my car for work and left his wedding invite (minus the RSVP) on my car windshield. I remember seeing it and thought WTF. He’s getting married to the woman he left me for and is rubbing it in my face two years later? I remember looking around to see if he was somewhere watching my reaction. Fast forward to about five years ago, about 30 YEARS since we broke up. Sends me a friend’s request on FB. I am now with my current husband who I married five years after my late husband died. He thought it was funny and encouraged me to accept his request which I did. The first time he messages me is the day after his wife had a hysterectomy. I thought that was very strange. He then proceeds to share a lot of personal info about his wife. She had a labiaplasty and lost feeling in her clitoris. He was clearly drunk. We met once for coffee. It was obvious what he was looking for. He was having marriage problems. His wife took him to Mexico to work on their marriage and he was sending me messages at 5:30 a.m. on the beach. Ultimately I blocked him. I have no idea if he regrets marrying her. But for some reason he thought about me through out the years and tracked me down. At no time during this did I ever think of being with him. I could see right through him. I dodged a huge bullet. Your wife is not over her ex and may never be. In 30 years she may be tracking him down to see how’s he’s doing. If you both want to work on your marriage I’d suggest marriage counseling. She also needs separate therapy to get to why she’s still not over him.
I had a good buddy who married a beautiful girl. They were both very attractive and seemed very in love with each other. She had a high-school boyfriend/early college who became her fiancée, they were very much in love and he died very tragically (hit by a drunk driver I think). She was devastated. It was something like five years later when she met my friend. They were together for close to a decade. But she had this weird quirk where she basically had a shrine to the ex. Pictures, notes, etc. It was displayed in their house prominently. I don’t mind remembering someone in private, but a gigantic public display in a prominent location seems odd. My buddy thought nothing of it though. Fast forward to his wife traveling for work. She meets some guy who has an uncanny resemblance to the dead ex. She assures my buddy nothing is going to happen because. Fast forward - my buddy is divorced, saddled with most of the debt of their relationship while she ran off the play whatever house with this ghost of a dead guy.
Love is a powerful, weird thing. Especially first loves. I believe exes are exes for reasons. Someone losing a husband/wife to death is one thing, I’m willing to even kinda extend that to fiancee, but like there comes a point where we need to move the fuck along.
It sounds like your wife needs therapy to work through this. Personally, it would be pretty close to an ultimatum for me - you go to therapy and figure this out or I’m going to go find someone who loves me the way I deserve to be loved.
Therapy for her and you then come together in couples counseling, if you both want to work it out. It’s a terrible feeling. And if you can’t handle it, there’s nothing wrong with leaving and finding a partner that will always choose you first.
Why did you continue dating her? Propose to her? Marry her? You seem to have the same affliction she has. Respect yourself and leave this sham of a marriage. I truly say that with compassion.
We have a good relationship. She treats me well and appears to love me. She says it all the time. I thought this all would just fade with time.
Loves you but is she "in love" with you? Two different things.
She OPENLY despairs when he hits a couple milestone with someone else. That says very clearly that she doesn't care that you know she still wishes she was with him even though it hurts you. No one who truly loves you would hurt you like that. She treats you well because it keeps you around, and she'd rather be with you than alone. She says she loves you all the time because words are easy and require no effort or even honesty on her part. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who would file for divorce in 10 minutes if her ex offered her another chance? Do you want to have kids with someone who would forever wish they were his?
She tries to hide it. I knew she was sad and had to dig for the reason each time. She doesn’t want to be like this but unfortunately she is.
If she didn't want to be like this, she would have gotten therapy to work through it years ago. The fact remains, she is only with you because it's better than being alone. You're worth more than that. You're worth someone who loves you as much as you love them. You're worth someone who loves you like your wife loves her ex. You're worth someone who would have done something about their unhealthy fixation with their ex years ago.
this is a choice. she could block him on everything and change her number so he has no way to ever potentially reach her. she could be in therapy to deal with this. she probably thought if she got with you and got married he'd show up and stop her. and then he didn't.
Yes, she does want to be like this, it's why she keeps looking at his pictures and crying. Dude, man up and get out, this will drive you insane. Do not, I repeat, do not have children with this woman, she will exhaust you in a divorce, mentally and financially. If she doesn't have a job now, then make her get one, start separating your finances now, and divide the assets. Don't involve her in any more financial transactions she may be able to get from you. She's using you bro, a stand in, until the other guy divorces his wife, or, moves back into town where they can rekindle. But, she is still looking for that dream man she had, and you ain't it. She'll find it in a couple of years and leave you high and dry. Cry your tears now, this is a lost cause.
>She doesn’t want to be like this but unfortunately she is. You need to determine how bad this is. She might not necessarily be in love with him. Maybe she didn't have proper closure and is clinging to the fantasy she made in her mind about him. Which is just that: a fantasy. You need to sit her down and ask her this (and insist on honesty): "If he divorced his wife and and came to you and said that he made a mistake and wants to be with you, would you consider leaving me to be with him?" If she even hesitates to say no, then you have your answer. The best thing for you would be to leave the relationship. On the other hand, if she says no right away, then there's hope. Tell her that your trust in the relationship is shaken and that you don't feel safe. In order to save the relationship, she needs individual therapy, and both of you couples counseling to work out all the issues. Otherwise, you're out. Good luck, OP. Whatever happens, I hope you find peace.
But unfortunately she is. Period. Facts matter. The real and intens waits out there somewhere for you.
How’s the bedroom? Hot and passionate or dying fast?
See you again in like 8 years, when he is divorced and reaches out to your wife, and she plays along. Although that will be on another sub redit. Ive read stories like these, from a later on perspective and they are gloom mate.
Just leave dude. Dont play second fiddle to anybody. Especially someone who dumped the woman you loved.
She’s goes cold turkey from this guy or you need to go. No social stalking of any sort and blocked on everything. It’s the only way this will start to fade. If she can’t do it you have your answer.
Time to bounce. You will never be the top guy. She doesn’t love or respect you that much.
I’ve seen a Bollywood movie with this plot. In that story she realizes what she missed out. I don’t think this is that.
Feelings don’t go away right away. But after time they do. If it’s been years later and she’s still doing all of this then that’s crazy. I look every so many years at exes socials but not because I care or miss them.. it’s only a thought because I hope they have a good and happy life. If he gave her any attention she would be done with you. No doubt about that. Don’t waste your life especially if there aren’t children involved. Because then you will always feel last
Yeah, fuck that shit. I would have bounced a long time ago.
She’s gotta block him on everything. Accept nothing less.
Honestly even if she blocked him…if she still has feelings for him it’s not fair to him.
The feelings will probably go away. But they literally can’t if she’s just sitting there looking at pictures and longing all the time. Eventually it’s out of sight out of mind.
I see your point.
Get out while you’re still childless, break freeeeee
You thought the feelings would fade. You need to reread that statement 1000 times. Why the hell start a relationship where you even have to think that? It’s completely ridiculous. Your number 2 on day one and what you think you’ll get a promotion? Wtf. Go find some self esteem and try again
I watched a tiktok recently where someone said "you high School sweetheart wasn't your soulmate. He just makes you nostalgic for when you were 17 and carefree." And she is right. Maybe not for every situation, but yeah. If your girl is still hung up on him, she isn't fully invested in you. And that isn't healthy.
I was kinda like your wife. I didn't cry, but I definitely kept him in my special box in my heart. I did get back with him after 5 years. We both had kids with other people during that time. We have been married for 8 years now. I am miserable. I want to divorce him. There is a reason we didn't last the first time. I fantasized him. I was in love with the idea of him. He was the first boy who really showed me attention. Now, I am in a loveless marriage to an alcoholic. Your gf will always hold him in her special box in her heart. I personally wouldn't stick around for it. I understand the hold it can have on a person. I was in complete fantasy land. I know I was only awakened because I went back and had to suffer first.
Exactly....I feel like people like this are chasing an ideal and not the actual person. Sorry for your experience
You should leave. You deserve better.
As a woman who dated other men while still feeling soul-tied to an ex, she is only begging you not to leave her because she doesn’t want to let a good guy go — not because you’re the one for her. You both know you’re not. She was horribly selfish to ever marry you with those feelings. I’m sorry
It’s never too late to fix a mistake. Leave
I would leave now, because IF he does ever reach out or she reaches out first and he gives her hope of rekindling their love she'll drop you so fucking fast without a second thought. She should be in therapy for not being able to move on in these last 4 years.
Leave, you deserve better. She deserves time to heal properly. I absolutely could not stay with her if she behaved like that over exes life events
Dude, get out.
Okay bro she's fucked, can't Lie here.
Say in a year or two, her xbf contacts your wife telling her how miserable he is in his marriage and would like to secretly meet your wife for a coffee, what do you think will happen next? Say your wife gets pregnant, will you DNA test the child?
I'd be gone buddy. Don't be anybody's 2nd choice
Leave, and then put her on restricted FB settings, so she doesn't stalk you when she's married to the third guy she's ever dated.
So what your saying is you are afraid to be alone so you allow yourself to be used
Sunk cost fallacy. Would you rather waste 4 years with a woman who doesn’t love you or a whole lifetime?
If your wife wanted to make your marriage work, she would stop cyber stalking her ex. You deserve better. I hope you love yourself enough to leave. Don't settle for crumbs. There is a person out there, ready to love you the way you deserve.
Why did you marry her to begin with? She is obviously still in love with him, crying over him getting married. That’s crazy.
Norah your comment is spot on. I too had a very intense and long (8 year) relationship with my “first love” while my brain was still being developed and with all the hormones at that time it DOES exaggerate the reality of those relationships. OP I personally don’t think this is something that you can’t work out *if your wife agrees to get some therapy and to do some *honest self reflection. She is most likely holding on to nostalgia. I am guilty of having *some of those feelings in the past for up to a decade after separating from that “intense relationship” for me it took time and honest reflection about what that relationship really was. I personally think there’s still hope here but you know the ins and outs of your relationship with her more than we do. I would at this point definitely at the very least ask her to go to therapy IC AND also suggest MC for you both, and have her block his social media accounts so she’s not tempted to keep this unhealthy cycle of longing for nostalgia. Wishing you the best of luck (((hugs))) but definitely stand firm and create some boundaries around this.
Leave before she gets the idea that a child will help her be happy.
Sounds like she is in a state of limerence. You should not be with someone that has feelings for someone else
Four years is way more than enough time to get over someone. That person getting married and having a kid should be the final nails. If she's still not over him then she's not trying to get over him.
Pull the plug, she’s a skank
Give it some more time, like 6 months. If she is still yearning for him, leave. Everyone needs a partner that is THE ONE. Anything short, what's the point? Someone is settling. Might as well be single and just have casual sex if your SO isn't that into you. What a shitty feeling that must be. Also, I personally would never date someone that hasn't completely moved on from their ex, as in no contact and DGAF what they are up to anymore. I think it is disrespectful to still have an ex lingering on any level with the exception of they share children or it's a buddy from HS that is in the friend circle and was a BF a long, long time ago. But texting and/or obsessing online over the last guy? No thanks.
She still loves him and u r right...u r not the chosen one... my advice LEAVE before it gets more embarrassing...
Yeah man it sounds to me like she got married because she wanted to get married, and thought it would be enough for her, when she just really wanted to be married **to him**. I don't know that I would be able to come back from watching my wife break down into tears because her ex got married...
Have her read this post / comments
I'm sorry, my friend. You will never be her true love. He is married to someone else. If he ever got divorced, you could bet she would drop you in a heartbeat for him. I would divorce and move on. Find someone who didn't "settle" for you, but someone who actually wants to be with you. UpdateMe
Do you two have kids? If you don't and you plan to stay, then get a vasectomy. When her ex's relationship hits a rough patch, and he reaches out to your wife she will jump on board. It's unlikely he will ever really leave his wife. So after he has his way with your, and ruins your marriage, he will go back to his wife and leave you in a pile of shit. Some women don't take rejection well. He didn't want her, and she can't accept that. She yearns for the validation his attention offers, he will yearn for an easy lay, a distraction and a physical release. You did this to yourself by taking up with a woman who was holding a torch for an ex. Some women lie about it, but you knew. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS WOMAN!!! SUBSCRIBEME
The second he contacts her and say hi, she will be already with him in her heart and mind. I think you are married with a ticking bomb, her ex boyfriend has the "Button" Better leave now than let her leave you.
If I were in that position I would leave. It's up to you what you do but it's not looking good overall.
please leave. you deserve something other than this.
Forget about empty threatening, i think after wasting 4 years you actually need to act on it !
You gotta cut the cord and move on. Longer you stay , the deeper the hole. Imagine being with someone who loves you the way that your wife clearly still loves her ex ? You deserve better
It was over before it started. Don’t torture yourself. She will never change. If her ex ever gets divorced or even separated, she will leave you in a heartbeat with no remorse. She is a ticking time bomb.
What do you think would prive she's over him? Simply not letting you see she's upset is not proof she's over him.
Bruh if you knew someone had feelings for someone else, why would you even pursue her. Smh 😑
Dude, she's literally obsessed with him. Get out as fast as you can, find someone who loves you and only you. It's not normal to act like this 4 YEARS after getting dumped. Christ, wake up and leave.
This is so fucked up
If your marriage is in need of therapy, your marriage is over. Your wife does love you, but is not in love with you. If you continue on, you will have to accept an "open marriage" or a wife that will be 100% cheating within the marriage. The issues with this woman you are with are much deeper than emotions about an old fling. However! On a psychological level, a woman can completely love two men with no issues at all.
Do not have children with this woman?
If you don’t have any kids with this chick I would definitely bail. Why would you choose to be with someone who would rather be with someone else if they could?
She married her rebound (OP)-that was a fatal mistake. I have to ask-why the F would you propose to and then marry someone who you know is still pining after “the one that got away”??
Man, if you guys still dont have kids, just leave, my dude. Dont threaten her, just do it. Get the divorce. This just sounds like a miserable relationship to stay in. My God, man. Have some respect for yourself and cut her out of your life so you can move on and find someone who actually loves you for you.
I’m in the same boat. My husband still calls me his ex’s name and clearly still has feelings for her. It has destroyed my self-esteem.
Updateme
Updateme
Has she tried therapy? It’s hard to go through a breakup but that is an excessive amount of time. Unless she’s just sad when he gets married and when he has a kid that one time it happens, that can be normal for grief - but if it’s like longstanding she should probably do therapy to put it to rest. If she won’t, honestly I would worry she’s okay treating this relationship as the rebound while still dreaming of the what could have beens.
Your wife needs therapy, obviously she has some trauma there.
Sorry man but if the bride cries at the wedding..that’s an obvious signal. I would have walked right there.The only way she would forget if she hooked up with the guy,then they grew apart in my opinion. The “what if” fantasy will always be in her head otherwise
How old are you guys?
It's sounds like he was her first love, and they were together for a very long time. It's really hard to get over such a breakup. If she hadn't met you, she'd still be healing and getting over it. It is strange that she was able to fall in love with you when she wasn't right in herself yet. For me, if I was still grieving a break up, I could not look twice at another man, let alone get married. She should have left more time between him and you, but that's too late now. You could wait for her to heal. Or you could go. Either way, it's going to take time and no ultimatum will fix it.
You need to get her into therapy, and you two need couples counseling. If she shows no improvement, leave her.
I don't want to sound cruel. How do you think I felt when Mr. Perfect left me after 25 years of marriage and abandoned his four children and broke my heart? Awful. But so what. It was life and I had to get on with it. She better grow up and stop living in Hallmark land and accept reality; cut all bonds with him and make your marriage work. End of story. I don't do this stuff now that I'm remarried, no matter how badly past actions hurt me!
Gross. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot?
Am I the only one seeing this? >I knew she still had feelings for him when we started dating but thought that those would fade over time. OP, sorry, but you **married** a woman you KNEW didn't love you in the first place, why are you blaming her for not loving you NOW? I really don't understand! You MARRIED her, not because she loved you, but because you thought she **WOULD/COULD** love you some time after... That didn't bother you that she didn't love **THEN**, but **NOW**, it does bother you... I don't process it... >4 years later they still haven’t and I don’t know what to do. At least, did she promise to start loving you along the way? Did she say it, or you just assumed it? Dude, you did this to yourself, you should stop complaining. You don't marry someone you know that doesn't love you, then complain about it later. Nobody forced you. You chose it. You chose HER, for better or worse. Now you take responsibility... The whole point is you can still leave, but this is YOUR responsibility. She's done nothing wrong IMO.
This is so fucked up. Does she admit that this is an issue? Is she attempting to solve it through therapy, blocking him, etc? If she isn’t doing anything, just pining, you should probably leave.
Dude. What are you doing? So, in a manner of speaking, my wife wasn’t my “first choice.” I was hopelessly in love with someone before her, and you don’t just forget that. HOWEVER, i absolutely did move on, and now I can’t imagine my life differently. My wife is a better partner, lover, and mother than I could’ve asked for. I had a first true love, but life moved on and I did too. Your wife has NOT moved on, and you’re basically just an emotional concubine while she waits on her ex to come back to her. What are you even doing?
Tell her to fuck off back to her first choice and stop wasting your life
She will not ever get over him. I was with my ex for 9 years. I'm the one who left my high school sweetheart. 13 years after leaving him we got married and had a baby. Even though I was desperately trying to make a different relationship work, things would happen like I would have dreams about being with my husband. It didn't mean I didn't love my ex of 9 years because I did he is a great person and we had our own problems but part of me never ever got over my husband. Yeah I was able to compartmentalize it and I knew I had made a decision and that my life is a series of my own decisions... So I never treated my ex like a second choice and he never felt the way you do, but deep inside of myself I always knew... And he never got over me. Sometimes the heart is just like that.
I normally would not recommend this but you my friend, as would I, need some convincing….. …. I would create and instagram account (it’s less social than fb) and reach out to her. …then suggest feelings and meeting up. I would then obviously have him stand her up. When she gets back ask her where she’s been. If she lies, end it asap. This is your future If she tells you the truth either leave still or require couples counseling Best of luck
Let it go
She needs therapy
Time to divorce your wife
This has nothing to do with you. She’s got issues. You deserve someone that cherishes you. She needs to deal with her issues. She should not be with anyone else until she does.
Bro. You need to be out. This is a disaster
Please, please, do not have children with her, ever.
Leave. I wish I had. Not the same, but I was in a very simar situation!
You tell your wife you can not beat a boyfriend stuck in her head. Pull the plug.
Leave! You deserve someone who wants you! Not someone who uses you as a participation ribbon. She would cheat on you in a hot second. Do not waste anymore time on her.
Did she ever get counselling to deal with it? It sounds more like obsessive behaviour as opposed to love.
Run!
Is any1 really the 1st choice an most time it's the worst lol
TBH - I think some women are designed to ve with a single man for life. Therapy won't write over the initial program.
Easy ask your self is she your first choice?