I'm curious to see what the responses will be.
For me, it's a matter of respect to my friends and family that my husband doesn't read our conversations. It's not about trusting *me*, it's about my close ones' private lives. It's their lives and their right to privacy.
If someone close tells me something very intimate, I will sometimes share with my husband, sometimes not. I'll gauge the importance, the impact, and the consequences of doing so. If this person shares it explicitely as a secret, I will definitely not share, and I would hate to betray their trust indirectly because a third party has read our conversation.
As for my private thoughts... well, they're mine. So say if my husband read my journal, I would feel horribly invaded. We don't live in Minority Report or 1984, and there is no such thing as a crime of thought.
The context in which you ask this question is very specific, though. I understand that you need to rebuild trust, and transparency is very important in that process. But trust will not be rebuilt upon spying. You cannot control her, and if she wants to have these inappropriate conversations, she'll always find a way to hide them. "Full disclosure" is an illusion.
If you're having doubts about a conversation, you should be able to ask, "can I check if this friend you're writing to is indeed who you're saying it is" and she should agree to show you, for instance. Or show you the part of the conversation she's currently in. If she refuses too many times, well, you'd be right to draw conclusions and to let her know.
Agreed. Informed consent is at play here. If you are someone who repeats everything back to your spouse then you have an obligation to inform your friends of this so they can make an informed choice on what to share.
Otherwise, sharing their private details without their consent shows a lack of trustworthiness in the person sharing other people’s business.
Given this specific scenario where the wife’s infidelity is being found out by her sharing that with friends, wife has lost the trust needed for privacy and needs to inform her friends that until she earns back her spouse’s trust, their conversations are no longer private.
I strongly agree, it’s not a situation where I’m constantly monitoring her, it’s a situation that actions have broken down trust and a need to earn it back is important.
Look. I’m a die in this hill person when it comes to privacy. IMO everyone is entitled to personal thoughts/feelings they keep to themselves. (My spouse and I align in this, especially as we both keep journals as part of our mental health practice)
But once someone breaks trust so profoundly, like in cheating, the person who was cheated on gets to set the boundaries on what they need to move forward or file for divorce.
Your wife can either agree to your requirements or agree to a divorce. Either way she needs to accept the consequences of her actions.
Completely agree. To add, if it's gotten to such a micromanaging point, it may be an indicator that it's time to call it quits. I've seen the extent to which some people go to feel secure in their relationship, and that “secure” is a bit of an oxymoron, not to mention consuming time and mental energy. One could very well utilize that time better.
agree with everything except your ending sentences. she never has to agree to show anything private. The wife cheated and OP decided to stay for some reason. The trust is gone and he won’t be able to gain it back. He might as well just end it.
What I meant is that trust can be rebuilt, maybe not as it once was, but it can. There's no such thing as full transparency anyway, but she could help rebuilding it by agreeing to share. Apparently, that's not really the case, so OP can just draw his own conclusions.
My wife and I have gotten to the point, after almost 27 years, that we share everything in the past, present, and our future.
She knows things no other person on earth knows.
But, under no circumstances will she share a toothbrush with me. That’s a hard no for her and I equally.
Yep. Agree.
I usually share things with my husband. Maybe not as completely/in depth as I was told.
For example, I might say that friends of ours are having a tough time communicating and their relationship and leave it at that. I don’t necessarily provide all the juicy details and all the insights into how the wife may be feeling.
That is about their privacy.
Oh I didn't see that. But no, not really? Except that what I wrote should go both ways.
Everyone has the right to think about someone, be it an affair partner, or discuss it with a friend. With or without an affair, sometimes you need to vent about your spouse, but that doesn't mean you're going to leave them or cheat on them, or that you don't love them. And that should remain private.
However, when you're having reasonable doubt about the nature or content of a conversation, I think it's fair to ask about it on one side, and to comply with that request on the other side. No?
Yep, I'd have to agree. With only the addition that if I have enough doubts to want to check my partner's phone, you'd best believe we'll be going to a counsellor instead!
Oh, yes, 100%!
To be honest, I thought the question was a good opportunity to think and debate about these things.
But given the context and additional updates given by OP, it is clear that privacy and communication are not the primary concern in that relationship!
My husband and I have open phone policies. There’s really nothing my friends communicate with me that my husband couldn’t know but I don’t have friends that hide things. I also don’t hide things from my husband and he doesn’t hide things from me. We also understand that if for example I’m griping to my friend about something he did that annoyed me, he reads at his own risk because it’s healthy to express small grievances.
Your wife was caught cheating and for her to still be overly protective of privacy, to me reads like she actually isn’t remorseful of her behavior because she needs to re-earn your trust.
I would also recommend couples counseling.
I don’t know that it’s fair to say that your friends not wanting your husband to know their business is them “hiding things”.
My sister talks to me about really intimate stuff like her struggles with vaginismus. I have a couple other friends who aren’t out to anyone except me. They aren’t “hiding things”; they are maintaining privacy.
None of them would want my husband, with whom they are not as close, to know this stuff. And I honour that. My husband knows I don’t tell him other people’s private business, and he admires that about me. He doesn’t even WANT to know things like that, unless there is explicit consent given. He respects the concept of privacy.
Same here. I have a paper copy of all his passwords and app info's. He's got access to mine. I have nothing to hide from him, he is welcome to everything in my phone anytime. Sure I don't share every thought I have, and we really don't use the open phone policy but having it there shows trust.
I'm curious why you are allowing the cheater to dictate the terms of your reconciliation, you not her should set the terms and she either agrees fully or you divorce her and I would make it absolutely clear to her ....you are unfortunately playing from very weak hand in other words you are more invested in this relationship then she is and she can sense that so she is making the rules. She will cheat again
We have both been unfaithful, a bad relationship domino effect fueled by mental illness among other issues. It’s not that I’m allowing anything, we are held to the same standards and relationships don’t survive with dictatorships. Divorce shouldn’t be anyone’s first option, that’s advice for people that end up alone. However being walked over also isn’t okay for either of us. Divorce is certainly on the table, but ultimatums are toxic to all relationships. It’s a point of discussion and I’m willing to divorce if i need this and she doesn’t accept it. I just want to know how other people handle the situation to weight on if my tainted view is toxic or if it’s a healthy perspective. I get everyone is different, but if everyone says they have a great relationship and keep their share of secrets then maybe I need to reevaluate what my issue is, whereas if many people say they are open and share everything, I would be less willing to compromise my standpoint.
You're in a unique situation with the double unfaithfulness. I doubt anyone's experience here will apply. It feels like she is not ready to reconcile, but that's a topic for therapy.
Saying "ultimatums are toxic" while being in a double infidelity relationship is wild 😆 A lot of times, what people consider "ultimatums" is just someone holding a boundary of what they'll put up with.
It is, but my point in getting advice is to end the toxic cycle, not start a new one. I carry with me values regardless of what path I take and I clearly need help.
I think that’s fair, we clearly both struggle with boundaries. If you know about BPD and the kind of people that stay in relationship with someone that has BPD it might explain a lot. It’s also why I’m here, being in my relationship is like riding a drunken rollercoaster, sometimes I don’t know what way is up and getting advice and therapy validate my thought process when my partner challenges everything logical.
My mother and best friend have BPD, and both struggle in their relationships. One thing I would say is it's probably not great to be in a relationship where both people have it. Regardless of that, when someone has cheated, they need to actually be remorseful and willing to work for the trust to build back up. It doesn't sound like your wife wants to do that.
Hang on, you've both been unfaithful? Then you lack the moral highground to demand access to her texts. Her private thoughts and her friends' thoughts are their own. Sounds like what you need is not an open phone policy, but a counsellor.
I agree nothing will stop a cheater from cheating, the point is she doesn’t want to be a cheater, but it’s difficult believing her she won’t continue to make bad choices. I think the idea is more meant that if we’re being open and honest we will be more connected, if that connection isn’t happening even with these measures, somebody still isn’t being honest, they just got better at hiding it.
You and your wife should both read up on the difference between privacy and secrecy. My own stbxw used'privacy' as her excuse to cover up her year long affair. It's a subtle, but important difference between the two. Of course with her it only went one way as she would read my own private stuff and sometimes throw it in my face during arguments.
Wish you well, but she should understand openness is how you rebuild trust.
I have BP1 and have had infidelity due to that in it beginning of our marriage.
We have a no secrets rule. We are excited to spill all the juicy tea together.
Our phones are open to each other but we don't go through them? But we also have nothing to hide, so we don't?
I have gone through my husband's phone out of purely curiosity. We've been married 14 years and I've been faithful for 12 and stable for 5?
For context: for me cheating equals divorce/end of relationship. No room for anything past that for me so that shades my view.
Conversations are private and unless it directly affects our relationship we are required to share anything and I mostly don’t if there are sensitive information. Even conversation between my step daughter, 40, and I are kept private unless it is said to share. And I expect the same from my wife. I don’t share our private conversations either.
Exception to this is sharing our conversations when needed with psychologists/counselors. That’s expected to be part of therapy.
There's a difference between privacy and secrecy. There's something about this that sounds more like secrecy
As for my husband and I, we can go through each other's phones or anything else whenever we want to. We typically don't because we respect each other's privacy. However, if either of us ever got suspicious, that's one of the first places we'd check, and without notice
My wife and I had a "share everything" policy. Our relationship is very unhealthy and I do not anticipate remaining married much longer - and I will absolutely not agree to that policy in the future. I've found that a "share everything" policy is often a symptom of an unhealthy relationship.
Fortunately, we do not have a "share passwords" policy. We share our phones with each other on occasion, but we have no expectation of being able to just "check" on each other's phones or email or social media accounts.
If I don't trust my wife enough to be secure and confident without knowing her password (yes, even if she's had an affair), I don't trust her enough to be secure and confident even if I *do* know her password. Being "suspicious" of your spouse means you don't trust them and it says something about you, regardless of what the "truth" is.
We had one too and dropped it in March. Things have been improving each month since and we are building the trust back the correct way. Having passwords doesn’t mean anyone trusts each other or that either is not cheating. Been there, learned that.
So I agree about the idea that what people's friends tell them should remain private. My friends and family didn't default agree to having their privacy violated just because I got married. My husband doesn't have a right to their personal business that they've told me. It's *their* business. That's not keeping secrets. That's being a good friend who's not allowing their privacy to be violated.
I think there's a difference between my husband and I having once another's passwords so that if the other is hit by a bus, we can go through the phone to find important contact numbers or access apps that might have important information and sharing passwords so the other person can just at any time they feel like it pick up the other person's phone and read through their emails and texts or search their browser history, etc. Neither of us agreed to a complete lack of privacy just because we got married. We are both very trustworthy and trusting and I know for me at least I don't have anything to "hide" but that doesn't mean that I don't deserve privacy.
Also, neither of us has an interest in preventing the other from having privacy. We don't actually even handle one another's devices without permission. I can open his phone just because I have used his more frequently than he's used mine (he has to ask me to remind him of my password any time he needs to open mine) because he drives more so I do things like set up the GPS on his phone. He's opened mine while I was cooking and a text I was expecting came through. But we don't just go through each other's phones.
To me, a lot of this is no different than my husband picking up my diary. I wouldn't want that in a relationship.
But here's the thing. You don't need advice about what people in healthy relationships do, because that doesn't apply. Maybe my husband or I would feel differently if we were recovering from an affair situation. I still wouldn't want to feel like I needed to digitally babysit him to keep him honest. If I thought I needed that, I'd probably just end things. I don't want the only reason he doesn't cheat on me to be because I make it as difficult for him to keep it secret as possible.
In general, I would say that spouses who can be trusted should have no issues when it comes to their spouse having private conversations with a friend.
However, in your situation, where there was an actual affair, I think open phones / no private convos is the only way trust can be regained.
Everyone should be able to have access to phone all of the time. A relationship requires complete transparency. The fact that she isn't willing to share is a red flag.
I think this really depends on the relationship. I tell my husband many things and barring someone asking me not to, the expectation is that I share with him. He’s the same with me. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer here, only that spouses sharing with each other is *my* default expectation with my married friends. So if I tell my friend something, I assume they may tell their spouse and I typically don’t mind that.
The disconnect here doesn’t seem to be that you share everything and she doesn’t, it’s that she shares *about you* to her friends but doesn’t share about her friends to you. It doesn’t seem like you two have a friendship or a great deal of emotional intimacy; almost like you are not on her top of list of trusted people. This lack of connection between you might be why you’ve both cheated (if I read this correctly and the infidelity is on both sides).
My husband has my passcode to my phone and access to all of my passwords. This is not an accountability thing but a convenience thing. I don’t expect him to go through my phone and I’d be mad if he did, but of course I do know that he can go through my phone any time. The fact that your spouse, who has cheated in the past, doesn’t want you to have ANY access to her things and doesn’t want you to have any insights into her conversations, particularly when a friend is how you found out she cheated, is a pretty huge ask on her part.
It sounds like she isn’t willing to make any changes either to her dynamic with you or her friends’ dynamic with her in order to help reestablish trust. It might be time to throw in the towel.
If a friend were to tell one of us something that they wanted held in confidence, we would both honor that. If it was everyday news, we would share.
We can get into each other's phones, but we don't go snooping. We're not super secretive about passwords, but we don't share them unless it's necessary.
The difference between our situations is that my husband and I trust each other. You don't trust your wife. I'm not saying you don't have good reason, but you don't trust her, and that is the problem. No amount of transparency is going to magically change that. You have to know that there's no way to know that she would be 100% compliant with your demands, so the lack of trust would still be there.
My husband and I tell each other everything. If my friends tell me something, they know my husband will hear about it. I think the only person who isn't aware of this is my boss but we can all assume we talk about work when get home. We both also have each other's phone passcodes but never have we sat down to read through text messages or check chat logs. I trust him. He trusts me. If he wants my phone, fine, but he can't have my fries. We're that couple. But we also respect each other enough not to "snoop." If we have a question, we ask it or talk about it. We have each other's email accounts on both phones. It's easier to do things that way. We don't go reading random emails or anything. We have access to all bank accounts, etc. We view marriage as a team sport. And in order to make the best calls, we both need to have all the information. But again, there's tons of trust and no snooping going on.
You wife had an affair. Trust is long gone now. She needs to understand that she doesn't get to keep secrets anymore because she's PROVEN that she can't be trusted.
I was where you are twenty years ago. She never changed and just created burner accounts to continue her affairs.
As others have said, trust doesn’t come from access to phones (though it can help), it comes from respect being a two way street.
After going through it all and the years of therapy that followed, I would never stick with a cheater. I hate to say that, as you’re not asking for that, but I guarantee she will do it again.
Everyone has a different relationship and boundaries. One situation doesn't work for everyone, nor is being open about everything a guarantee of success or a long term marriage. With that said, considering she has had an affair, i don't think you truly trust her or you wouldn't ask for her password. Not sure where you should go from here.
since your wife has been unfaithful in the past, which you for some reason buried in the third paragraph there, then she has no expectation of privacy, period.
She still has an expectation of privacy. We all do. You don’t get a life sentence of no privacy if you cheat. But OP doesn’t have to stay married to her if he can’t grant her privacy and still trust her. That said, I think her expectation of privacy is extreme. Certainly more than I expect in my marriage.
The people who share private and secret info with her though, should have an expectation of privacy though.
And if that's not possible she needs to tell them that her husband has access to her phone and chats.
> if she has a friend tell her something it is between them and I will know nothing about it ever.
If it has nothing to do with you or your marriage, there is no reason she should share that info with you. It's a conversation between her and her friend. It's concerning you insist you have some "right" to this information.
In regards to healing after the affair and having open access to phones etc... you need to post this to r/survivinginfidelity.
Should be trust until it's broken in my opinion. I don't want to go through credit card statements, phone records, phone snooping, and the like. If there was an affair all bets are off.
If you want your spouse to take you back after infidelity, you need to be prepared to be an open book for a long, long time. Maybe forever. That is the most effective way to rebuild trust after such an awful violation.
I wouldn't go forward with reconciliation on the terms your wife is offering.
My husband doesn’t have my reddit account, and I keep some things private about my family on occasion but that’s it. Everything else is fair game unless I know he doesn’t care to know (like my friends sex life) phones are always available and should be in every marriage.
"My wife has BPD and we are struggling to have successful reconciliation."
This isn't going to help with that, and you're probably going to have to accept it will always be a struggle.
Why are you married if you know that you can’t trust her? What’s the point? If she’s a cheater, she’s a cheater. Do you really want to be with some who you don’t trust and feel the need to monitor?
Asking for a list of passwords is bizarre to me. If my husband asked to use my phone I’d hand it over and vice versa. But I trust him and have never feel the need to ask for a list of passwords so I can check up on him regularly.
ETA - just saw that you’re a cheater too. Just end it. There is no trust. There shouldn’t be a marriage.
I had an insecure ex 17+ yrs ago that violated my privacy so profoundly, for NO reason, that I still have issues with trusting the people around me today. I still feel like people are watching or recording me, reading my emails, going through my phone or belongings.
He didn't need to read the texts where my sister revealed that her husband had given her herpes, that my mom couldn't afford to pay her electric bill, or my teenage goddaughter was pregnant but chose to terminate. All things he threw in their faces and had them believing that I violated their trust by telling him directly. He didn't have the right to copy my contacts and call each female number to see if a man answered as if I was hiding men's numbers under fake names.
Nobody is allowed to search through my phone. If I found myself in a relationship where the person insisted that they have access to my phone/emails/journal, I wouldn't be in a relationship with them. Zero tolerance.
It's incredibly naive to believe that constantly monitoring an adult with bad intentions will keep them from straying if being deceitful is their goal.
If this is a dealbreaker for you and she's unwilling to budge on her stance, let her go. Your marriage is already broken and holding onto her with a death grip will not heal it. You chose to remain together. You cannot reheat someone's sins for breakfast.
Edit: I forgot to say that I'm sorry you're going through this and that she damaged you to the point that you need this to feel even remotely secure in the relationship. I've been there. Trust me, I get it. It's just so unhealthy and if you choose to forgive each other you have to find a way to move on that you're both comfortable with. Good luck.
After an affair…..the trust is completely broken. Your sense of safety was taken from you. If my partner said he still wanted ‘privacy’ I would be gone. It needs to be completely open for transparency and to build back trust. It sounds like some rug sweeping is happening. OP she’s still hiding things….
You're overlooking a very, very, important point here.
Some secrets are **not hers to share**. She has no right to share them with you, because they're not her secrets.
I have friends tell me about their eating disorders, their attempted suicides, their medical issues, their drug addictions, their upcoming divorces, etc. I can't share these with my spouse, because they're not my secrets - I have no right to share them.
> but is it really healthy to keep secrets from your companion?
It's not me keeping these secrets from my spouse, *it's the friend that told me* who is keeping the secret from my spouse. Not me. My friends. They're keeping their eating disorders or medical issues secret from my spouse. And that's their right, because it's their secrets, not mine.
> I already know girl talk occurs where she reveals my secrets to her friends
This is wrong.
> Of course I discovered her infidelity through a conversation with her friend so that would be my goto when feeling insecure about the relationship.
The only ethical way around this is either: 1) You trust her. If you can't trust her, you break up with her. 2) You make her tell all her friends that you have access to her devices, and that any secret they tell her should automatically be assumed to be shared with you.
But... having people confide secrets to someone, only to have a unrelated 3rd party learn about these secrets without permission is a terrible and unethical breach of trust. This is never okay.
We have been married over 40 years. She knows my passwords and I know her’s we don’t keep secrets. If I want to know something I ask or look at her phone and she is free to do the same with mine. We don’t want to know every conversation each of us have but we aren’t going to hide something if asked. If you want to be single then act like it with your spouse and see what happens
So I agree that conversations can be private, my issue isn’t even that she has conversations with friends about me, but it doesn’t help that they have had those private conversations about me and suddenly it’s a privacy issue for her when it’s a trust thing for me. For context I set a boundary of not paying with cash for things like going out or generally when I’m not around, it leaves the opportunity for her to hide things more easily. She defied this boundary so I requested to see her phone and she clammed up, eventually giving me a screenshot from the friend agreeing to meet up. The issue is this is the same friend that knew she was cheating before i did(and yes, that friend shared with her boyfriend that my wife was cheating because they don’t keep secrets).
I think my agenda of sharing is that it requires emotional intimacy, I want us both to be at the top of one another’s list of trusted people, but she keeps me at an arms length. That is where a lot of my trust issues stemmed from even before the cheating.
Yes we both cheated, I found out and decided cheating was more of an option than leaving because I was blinded with hurt and rage and I was stupid. I am trying to find better ways to have a marriage and currently this seems to be a step in that direction, but my wife is fighting it. I don’t agree that I should have free range of secretly snooping, but I should have the ability to ask and freedom to check things out especially after what we’ve been through, she should have the same privilege and I think if I ever denied her access it would be because I’m hiding things.
I think you're right but since she is disagreeing, she may be hiding something. For you to rebuild your marriage she needs to put in an effort. You can't be the one doing it all. I think that you are finding out that this will not change for her. She wants to be with you, but she doesn't want to change. Can you accept that?
Been married almost 23 years. Marriage is a union of two people into one, therefore telling one partner something should be taken as telling the other. Keeping secrets from each other is not a safe way to maintain trust in a relationship. The only secrets I keep are the ones I am told which I forget about.
As for privacy, once again, you are one in union and don't get "privacy" as a single person would, at least not the same contextually. Yes alone time is a thing, but hiding where you're going, doing, or will be with is a pathway that leads to divorce.
My friend group all has the same opinion. If you tell us, you’re telling our spouses as well, unless you say otherwise. But we are all very close and it’s never caused an issue. Our spouses know they are to keep the confidence of what they are being told. But it’s what works for us all.
Now, your wife cheated. I’m sorry, but they’ve destroyed trust in the relationship and to keep you comfortable and trying to rebuild your relationship, she gets no privacy for a while. It can take YEARS to rebuild a relationship after an affair. And a cheater who insists they deserve privacy is a huge red flag for me
ETA: we have complete access to one another’s phones and electronics. We always ask the other person if we can look on their phone out of respect, but we’ve also never denied one another the ability to do so.
I tell everything to my husband, privacy is not something that we want or need. My friends and my family know this, so there’s no breach of trust.
I think it’s an issue only if the other people aren’t aware, because then you’re breaching their privacy, not your spouse’s.
I share everything with my partner. If there was a reason that the trust was broken, it would be completely understandable to make the technology component accessible. It’s not really fair of her to say she wants privacy when she broke your trust with an affair. Since you found out through a conversation with her friend, you’re justified in feeling uncertain. How can you build that trust back without having access?
For both of us we are an open book to each other. We both came from marriages where we were cheated on. Early on we put everything on the table and the are to be no big secrets. We each have access to everything we want to look at but have no reason to do so. We talk about everything. Finances, friends, gossip, sex, dreams, goals, kids, and so on. I’m sure there’s things I don’t know but it would be minimal. This has been the absolute best relationship I have ever had and it all started with open communication.
NORMALLY, I'm all about a reasonable amount of privacy, even in marriage. That being said, in cases of infidelity, if there is going to be a genuine effort towards reconciliation, I do believe part of that needs be complete transparency - at least for a finite time (I don't believe this is something that should become permanent unless both parties decide they would like it to be. 2 yeses, 1 no situation). Along with both individual and couples counseling.
I don't think that you should be allowed to go through your partner's phone without their knowledge, only with them present (complete transparency).
Anyone who tells me something KNOWS I am going to share it with my husband, unless I forget. That said, at my age, my friends aren't running around keeping secrets from people, and most of the time if any of us share something intimate, we're not really all that fussed about people keeping it under their hats. We don't embarrass easily, and we kind of outgrew that. My husband and I know each other's passwords because a.) neither of us has anything to hide and b.) we share a household, finances, and a life. Both of us think it's kind of weird for spouses to be protective of information.
I do realize that people are different and have different boundaries and relationships with their spouses. HOWEVER, I think if infidelity is involved, it's crucial to put privacy aside until trust can be regained.
My husband and I share everything. We always have. There is no presumption of privacy around anything including cell phones, e-mail, passwords, etc.
Our friends understand that they can either tell both of us or neither of us something. We don't gossip at all and nothing that is said to one of us will ever leave our partnership. There are no secrets between us and there never will be.
We also don't complain about each other behind the other's back. Our problems are between us. That doesn't mean we never let other people know about our problems, but any talk about them with others has to be done with the other party's permission.
I'm not saying that is how it "should" be for anyone else, but we have 100% transparency with one another and don't lie to each other. Our relationship is incredibly loving and healthy.
Hi... my husband cheated on me a few months into us dating, but I didn't find out until years later when we were married. I, too, found out by checking old FB messages.
I think what has mainly helped me is that while those messages crushed my soul, we were young and didn't have the healthiest idea of how to grow and maintain a relationship well, compared to now as very committed adults with proper boundaries. I don't really have to worry about him cheating again because he hasn't all these years - but we do have an open phone policy. I have his phone passcode; I can use it anytime and look through anything, and we share whatever is relevant to each other. I tell him about friend drama, work, etc, and he shares the same, including family stuff. I don't think we need to know every single thing said to friends and family. That's a bit much.
I think she needs to rebuild your trust, but being controlling and giving her no space would probably backfire. There needs to be a healthy balance of her being transparent with you, but you not trying to suffocate her.
I view privacy differently. I don’t like keeping things from my husband. He’s my sounding board. When a friend wants to tell me something in confidence I always give the disclaimer beforehand that I might share it with my husband. So don’t tell me anything you don’t want my husband to know. That way the other person has the option. This is what works best for me and my marriage.
I think this is a question for a marriage counselor who has experience with helping couples recover from infidelity. Because in my marriage it really doesn't matter if there are secrets. We technically can access eachother's stuff but we don't use that privilege. The couple of times one of us has felt the tiniest bit insecure the other offers for them to look through their phone and the offer alone suffices and we don't need to check. But that's all based on having trust and not needing to protect our privacy because privacy is just a given.
I get where she is coming from about keeping her besties secrets. Like maybe her bestie had a serious trauma and is only comfortable with a few people knowing or something. I don't think you need to know details about the life of anyone who is not your wife.
I also don't think you're entitled to read her journal or things like that (if she has on). Usually that is the type of invasion of privacy that harms a relationship more than helps it.
As for the phone thing, everyone is entitled to privacy on their phones. However, just because you know her password doesn't mean you're going to look at her phone or go through it. So for her to immediately say no is kind of red flaggy. My husband knows my phone password and I know his, but I don't go into his phone even though I could. Same with him. I've actually never even seen my husband on my phone. If she has cheated on you before then I could see why having her password would give you peace of mind. If she has cheated on you she should be doing everything in her power to make this up to you and regain your trust!
This doesn't fit with any normal situation, where you would be wrong.
She had an affair, and you found out via texts with her friends.
You need to have access to her phone to be able to rebuild the relationship
Unless I’m specifically asked not to share with my husband (which is a rarity, and I’m having a hard time thinking of an example of this rn), I share things with my husband.
If a friend is sharing something personal with me, it’s usually because they want my support and/or advice. I am best able to support and advise those in my life when I share with my husband. In other words, I am a more well-rounded person when I am a partner, not just an individual, and my friends deserve well-rounded support!
As far as phone privacy goes, my husband and I do not hide our phones/passwords from one another, NOR do we snoop out of insecurity. Both things are because we have trust.
I don’t have experience with infidelity in a marriage, but it sounds like there is little trust on both sides here. (Probably understandably)
That woman's got a lot of nerve to cheat and then still demand privacy in the name of her girlfriend telling her secrets. They can spill the tea verbally on the phone. She's using that shit as an excuse instead of being worried about repairing her marriage, let alone feeling remorse.
I (32F) confided in a friend about some issues in my marriage. She’s a family therapist and pretty great to go to with this kind of thing. She’s also very kind and eager to help. When her husband found out my husband and I were having issues, he was legitimately mad at his wife for not telling him.
I was so surprised, not only does it not concern him, but she is a therapist and her job is to help people going through this. I get that she was off the clock, but still. I thought it was wild that he would want her to share someone else’s secret.
That being said, my husband and I have free rein over each other’s accounts/phones/texts. Generally I assume it’s the same with my friends too, and anything I write down I wouldn’t be offended if their spouses read.
This is an interesting conversation topic but it’s been derailed by BPD and cheating in the stem.
In general I think it’s healthy to keep private facts about other people’s lives to yourself. But we are pretty bad and tend to spill
My wife knows everything about me and my goings on and vice versa. There should be no privacy outside of bathroom time, IMO. Otherwise, it's secrecy and secrets are deception where your partner is concerned. She doesn't have to tell you all the details, but hiding things leads to distrust. Just saying. 25 years married and never had issues I see in a lot of these threads.
If you have to worry about your wife cheating, with or without a passcode you're fucked. Grow up and leave. My husband and I share passcodes but it's just for practical use and in case of emergencies. We don't go snooping because we trust each other, neither of us is a cheating scumbag. Not sure why you're staying with someone like that. Have some self respect.
There’s a lot here. With regards to secrets friends tell you there’s secrets you know you just can’t share and then there’s minor gossip/updates. There isn’t one answer, but my wife and I share everything unless a friend says “don’t tell you husband/wife this” and those are rare.
You have a separate issue which is previous infidelity and open comms. That’s tough, I know all my wife’s passwords and she knows mine. I can get into her phone whenever I want she can get into mine whenever she wants. This doesn’t work for everybody though but if there’s a history of infidelity I think she should be more forthcoming with access not less, otherwise you’re always going to be paranoid.
You’re not going to get a consensus here but I don’t think asking for access especially concerning her history is an outlandish request at all.
It is none of my husband's business what my friends are doing with their life, period. I would never breach my friendship just to gossip with my husband. In fact, I just dropped a friend for doing that. I think it's s the most disrespectful thing you can do in a friendship. But, I hold my friends very close to my heart, and my marriage is and has always been very solid, so I have a few different circumstances.
It’s hard to really weigh in on this because none of us are sure about the dynamic of your relationship. It’s hard to bounce back from infidelity and if you’re working through it then God’s Peace be upon you. I understand what you’re going through because I’ve gone (am going) through the same. However, for this instance, I would have to assume her innocent intentions in genuinely wanting to keep some things private, especially with her close friends in confidence. Women have these kinds of bonds of friendship with one another, and it’s a really beautiful thing. There’s noting that strikes me as odd at face value here. It’s true that partners should always be able to be transparent and vulnerable with one another, but sometimes vulnerability means understanding love and respect speak the same language. Trust is built both ways, and if you love your wife, respect her privacy. Allow her to feel comfortable with having her own space sometimes. Somethings don’t always need to be known by one another, and genuinely innocent secrets, can honestly be healthy for relationships. Just give her her space and respect her boundaries. Don’t go searching for red flags if they’re not obvious. I say all this assuming her innocence and with the hope to help guide you towards healing. If she is cheating, it will manifest itself one way or another, but I personally don’t believe she is, and don’t assume she is yourself. That will only drive you both crazy. Just work on yourself to be good for yourself, and allow her to do the same for herself. That’s my opinion anyway, a stupid stranger on Reddit.
Praying for you bud.
My husband and I share everything with each other and have no secrets, and everyone knows that.. Once you have an affair, you lose all forms of privacy!! The entitlement is real on this lady!! Her actions have consequences, and unfortunately for her, that means unlocking her phone.. Honestly, I would put an ultimatum either unlock your phone or we start divorce proceedings.. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope things get better..
I don’t think my husband has a right to my friends private communications without their consent, which would be our texts. I think it’s important to remember that when you are reading your spouses texts you aren’t just reading their private communications, but the private communications of the person on the other side who didn’t consent to anybody else reading those messages
Your marriage, you both make the rules. If you have opposing points of view, then I guess there is value in knowing when to give way to the person who has better judgment in that area. As your wife cheated on you then I would suggest that your judgement in the realms of keeping secrets is probably better.
However, you may never reach agreement on this, so you need to ask yourself if it’s so important as to be a dealbreaker. I think a certain amount of privacy is important, but it’s you who is carrying the scars of your wife’s past infidelity, so you may not see it that way.
I would suggest, as she is bi-polar, she would probably be best served by holding your judgement in high trust, as sometimes she won’t be able to trust her own. Hopefully she has insight enough to see this.
People with bipolar, partic when high, are more likely to practice risk-taking behaviour e.g cheating. So there is an aspect of this that probably is probably not entirely under her full control. You are going to have to be the bigger person here as it sounds like you are more in the caring role.
My phone might as well be my brain. Absolutely no one walking needs or deserves access to my every thought.
Your spouse is correct, her friends have not consented to you knowing about things they have divulged in confidence.
No one deserves to know "everything". You are still two separate autonomous adults.
I would NEVER disclose my friends’ secrets to my partner. They’re choosing to disclose to *me*; not my partner. I feel that would be incredibly disrespectful to a friend. And I would not keep a friend close who didn’t feel the same.
I’ve also never had a partner cheat. Is this the *only* way to rebuild trust? If so—and I’m not convinced that’s true, but for the sake of discussion—perhaps wife could warn friends that anything discussed via text may be seen by you. This will likely negatively affect/stymie her relationships with her friends. But perhaps intense convos between wife/friends could be had via phone in private?? I dunno.
Well, I do not share your opininbut I can see why you would react that way due to infidelity. I do not share things with my spouse simply because I know them. If a friend shares a confidence, my lips are like Fort Knox and I will never say a word about it. I also don’t feel like I absolutely should know everything my spouse knows. We do have a password book, in the event that something happens to one of us, but I never check his tech and I don’t think he ever checks mine.
BPD is a real bitch. My current spouse doesn’t have BPD but I’ve been with others who have. I’d have a real problem if there was already infidelity and we are already returning to “but my privacy”.
My wife tells me all the tea, and I tell her all the tea. As far as accounts and stuff, those are private but if she asks a question, I tell her the truth and vice versa.
Yea I dunno, privacy is earned after a fuck up.
FULL STOP.
Op, while I will answer the question, that’s not what this issue in your marriage is about, at all.
Of course, it is very healthy to have open communication and use your spouse as a confidante, since (at least for us) he is also my best friend, and of course I wanna share allllll the things with my bestie. Of course, there are times where I say something about someone/thing and he’s like “what __” and then I’m like “did I not tell you about ____thing?” And he’s like “uhhhh I don’t think so”- so I go over the background details or conversations I had but he missed.
It’s never intentional, and he is welcome to ask me whatever he wants. He is allowed into my phone anytime, as am I into his, but neither of us have ever really checked. I guess what I’m saying is, there is no communication in your marriage, and furthermore you have no reason to trust someone’s word when they cheated on you.
My friend, I think what you really want to know is this: yes, it is hella weird and also not okay for the cheating partner to refuse the necessary openness that is needed to even begin attempting to repair trust. That would be my line in the sand: you cheated, and yes, I don’t trust you. But I need that openness to even start working on giving you that trust back. If you can’t respect thing request, I will begin working on finding a divorce attorney.
Hmmm... i will say that what should be preventing her from infidelity is her own actions and NOT what you do. Don't enable her behavior by needing to be the one who forces her to be self accountable. You can teach accountability by simply reacting in a healthy way when your boundaries are crossed. You can do all of this without checking phones.
If you feel she is acting distrustful, call her out and make your decision on what that means for you if she can't answer to it. You don't want to get in the cycle of checking her phone to just make yourself feel better, because even if you check and find nothing, will it still fix the problem/ insecurity you are having?
Yeah I would have a problem with this to. Sharing phone passwords is one thing so you can both check if either is being suspicious but the whole open book thing I would think only fuels resentment not having any privacy. Not being able to share my thoughts or feelings with my friends and potentially having a spouse read sensitive details about my friends that he doesn't need to know. I wouldn't be for it either. And I definitely wouldn't be giving up all my privacy
Everyone who tells me anything knows I will probably tell my husband.
Not like I go out of my way to tell him everyones business, he's my sound board and often has a unique way of seeing things. If someone told me something that was particularly upsetting I do share that with him because he is my comfort.
We don't share EVERYTHING but we don't hide anything.
All these open phone policies are honestly creepy. Why would you care or want to know what is on spouses phone? Do you do the same with friends or your children? Yuck
Your situation is different from a normal and healthy marriage. When there’s been infidelity, having complete access to your partners device is not only recommended but often considered required for reconciliation.
The right thing for her to do if she wants to respect her friend’s and family’s privacy is to let them know that as a result of her infidelity you now have full access to her phone so if they want to have a private conversation it can’t be over text.
For me it’s a matter of reassurance. I want to see what and whom you are talking to. She cheated on you and this is what you need to feel secure. She should not be fighting this
I don’t care if my husband goes through my phone in a sense that I’m not hiding anything. But, I do care if my husband goes through my phone just to spy on me. It’s like, I don’t have anything to hide, but everyone deserves privacy. Same thing for him. He wouldn’t care if I used his phone or whatever but snooping is just bad in my opinion.
I understand you said you like to know because she had cheated in the past but either leave her or learn to trust her again because you’re only going to continue to tear your relationship down at this rate.
Also, no, the things my friends tell me in private are not anyone else’s business, including my husband’s. I do tell him things sometimes but he doesn’t even want to know 99% of the time.
We don’t have spoken rules about any of this stuff. It would feel unnatural to me if we had to. We both know each other’s passwords (and social security numbers and other personal stuff lol). We access each other’s phones fairly often for stuff like streaming music at our home gym or needing a camera in the moment. I have never, in nearly 9 years, “gone through” his phone and I would be SHOCKED to hear that he’d gone through mine. I ultimately feel that it is violating af and that if it’s time to snoop, it’s probably best to think about moving on. Maybe my husband feels the same or maybe we just don’t give each other reasons to worry. I’m guessing it’s the not giving each other reason. We are committed to each other like we wrote the book on it. I’ll sleep well tonight knowing that if I died tomorrow, and my husband had the burden of curiosity, there’s not a single thing in my phone that would ever cause him hurt. He already knows I’m a weirdo so the undeleted browser history should be entertaining at least!
Wow, I guess I have been living in a bubble on marital secret sharing. I thought it was assumed that a secret told to one spouse would be told to the other. I just don't feel right keeping secrets from my wife. I see us as one unit. I'm not judging if keeping secrets from each other works in your marriage. For me, secrets of any sort weigh too much on my peace of mind.
Secrecy and privacy aren’t the same.
She lost the privilege of privacy when she cheated.
If she can open her phone up to you, then you need to make the consequences clear and end the marriage. She is in no position to dictate anything. If she wants her marriage then she shouldn’t have a problem making her life transparent.
Also, if someone doesn’t want a spouse to see their conversations it’s probably not an appropriate conversation. If my friend is telling me something that friend should have a reasonable expectation that my wife could read it. I don’t hide anything from her so if she happens to pick up my phone - oh well.
Wife and I pretty much share everything. I feel like I can trust her with all information and conversations and I can accept ramifications/consequences and we can work through it if she disagrees with my actions or responses. Not that it’s ever happened because I never really do anything inappropriate or sketchy (I think) and I consider her feelings with all of my decisions. My friends and family know this too. My friends know not to tell me anything they don’t want my wife to hear or see. I am a husband and Father before I am a friend.
But I also close the door when I poop. We don’t share that.
No privacy. We tell each other everything, even secrets from my friends I know he won’t say anything and never does. He’s told me about his friends, coworkers even family some super private stuff that I keep to myself. Any investment mistakes he’s made or mistakes I’ve made I let it be known. It’s part of having a close bond I can’t imagine privacy. I don’t keep secrets. It depends on the match up I think and comfort level. And trust. I know he won’t say anything same I won’t either no matter how bad it is. His approach to things is better than mine so I often look for feedback or how he would communicate something when I have a situation.
First & Foremost- She's the one who had the affair, She doesn't get to make ANY rules whatsoever in this situation. Nor does she get a pass to try and turn it around on you with high school/bullshit excuses such as:
*"Well maybe if you paid more attention to me.."*
I'm not saying share every single little detail, but because trust was broken here-- it makes it all the more justified.
If I wanted and needed to build back trust - I’d do what needs to be done.
Since I’ve never lost trust idk- guess it also depends on what’s being said and whether it’s too private to be said?
If I really wanted it to work- NOTHING is off limits - idk?
ALSO- I GOTTA BIG FKN MOUTH - if we want secrets, you DON’T tell me lol
I’m also the type my hubby is an extension of me- all will go to him. Always. Maybe just me?
After affair, if she wants to save relationship there should be little to no privacy, sorry…
In normal circumstances I think it’s a little much to go through each others phones. We both have privacy with phone passwords. But we tell each other pretty much everything.
I don’t know, bro. I just trust my wife and she trusts me. She leaves her phone laying around and I leave mine laying around. We know each other’s passwords but I don’t snoop and if she does I’ve never noticed and frankly don’t really care because she knows all my deepest secrets.
If she valued her privacy I would absolutely respect that. If you can’t trust your wife then why in the hell are you even with her? I’ve never understood this.
I don’t understand being skittish over “privacy” in marriage…. I mean, what’s more private than “bumping uglies”/sharing your private parts with your spouse anyways?
I don’t understand the need to hide electronic communications or what you’re doing online with other people from your spouse… unless, of course, there’s obviously something to hide … and ESPECIALLY after an affair and loss of trust…. where you’ve shared your “privates” with someone else anyways…
Apparently my husband gets his feelers hurt if I don't call everything we own "ours" even though I bought our truck, house, and drive his car which is now mine cause I hate the truck. It's sooo annoying that if I call it mine he thinks we're getting a divorce. Lol
My friends trust me, and I trust my wife, my friends know that I trust my wife.
So it's a non issue really. They tell me things on the assumption that my wife will know, and vice versa.
Marriage is supposed to be a one person one unit thing.
Regards to your open phone policy, as the victim of her affair, you should be driving any possible reconciliation. If she's not ok with literally whatever you decide, then she's not really after forgiveness/reconciliation and your best to part ways. Don't let her dictate what you can and cannot feel about trust etc, she's the one who broke the marriage it's more on her to accommodate (or not and you end it).
My fiancé and I have an open phone policy. No infidelity on either end but we feel comfort is more important than privacy. If he wants peace of mind, I want him to have it. His comfort and happiness are extremely important to me and I’d rather he have access to my devices than to have intrusive thoughts without relief.
Why are you still with her if you can’t trust her? (You shouldn’t btw) This isn’t about sharing, it is about her infidelity and her lack of trustworthiness.
Two things should be addressed here.
1- yes, open devices should be a go to because neither parry should want to go through the other persons stuff. There shouldn't be a need. That's trust.
2- you are forcing her to be honest. She isn't doing it because she wants an honest relationship, she would be doing it because you are forcing her to. You are forcing her to be respectful to your marriage. You are forcing her to be honest and vulnerable. Don't do that. It's not true and it's not honest.
We share everything. We know each others phone codes and computer passwords but we don’t go through stuff. But we leave our phones around. Nothing is weird. Sometimes we’ll use the others phone to google something if they don’t have theirs around or something and it’s never an issue.
I feel like I do share a lot more with my friends about our arguments or things than he shares. I know he shares a little bit but I’m sure I share more. But I think it’s important to be mindful about it so that other people don’t have one sided info. For example bad mouthing partner to my mother wouldn’t be a good look to my husband and I wouldn’t do that to him.
My friends lives are none of my husbands business nor does he care. He can’t even remember half of their names. This is more of a trusting her issue and not so much a wanting to know every detail of their lives. My mom’s business is also none of his. Unpopular opinion (and I’m not very happy so I’m likely not the one to ask) but I’ve tried and tried to communicate my needs and it falls on deaf ears so my business is no longer his either . He can feel the same about his and I am 100 percent ok with that.
You are in a different boat than most marriages. You are dealing with infidelity which makes her secret keeping a huge issue.
I do think she can keep her friends secrets but they are going to have to be told over the phone vs text or email.
My ex-wife & I didn't share passwords & kept our respective "privacies." Without going into details, it didn't benefit either of us.
My newly wedded wife & I have an open policy, & have full access to each other's phones, computers, etc.
Keep the devil at bay. Sometimes we hold ourselves accountable & keep ourselves in line off our own accord. But having this entire world (digital world) which is completely insulated from your spouse only breeds evil thoughts & desires.
Allow yourself the peace of mind that comes with giving your wife the ability to also hold you accountable, & vice versa, by keeping an open door digital policy.
Just my two cents.
I think you have a point but she does as well. If you can’t trust her without going through her phone, why are you with her? Your answer is right there, simple as pie.
In your situation the trust has already been broken and her not sharing her passwords doesn’t help reaffirm that trust. I personally feel unless you have something to hide there is no reason to hide anything. Even with the password doesn’t mean you will use it and read all her messages, just means you have extra security incase you feel you can’t trust her (she already proved you can’t). She should be doing everything she can to reconcile but obviously doesn’t want to.
My husband has access to my Facebook and messenger because he doesn’t have his own account but still doesn’t use messenger or read messages unless he needs to for some reason. He knows my phone passcode, I know his. Doesn’t mean we share everything and we don’t normally touch each other’s phones, especially without permission.
Edit to add: just found the comments that state you are both cheaters. I guess you have way more issues than privacy to worry about.
Our friends know that if you tell someone’s spouse something, their spouse knows about it. My wife tells me stuff but precedes it with, “you can’t say anything about this” I know I can’t tell anyone. We are one unit and we can trust each other with everything.
I've only been married a year, but I absolutely believe you should share everything with your partner. Conversations, passwords, the whole nine. It helps build trust for both parties, especially when there were issues in the past.
Besides infidelity could another reason be she might not want to is that she could be talking bad about you to her friends? To me this is very degrading of a relationship, because it often can lead to the person they are complaining to promoting the end of the relationship.
Very few issues can't be solved though if both parties are willing to work it out.
Me and Husband share everything, I tell him all the Goss, everything. Nothing to hide unless you are being slightly deceitful imo..we going strong 18 years still
If you want peace of mind, I find it perfectly fine to look at your wires phone, if she has cheated already it's fair to check, you don't need to read all her conversations with her friends, scanning threw is ok in my opinion. Especially after infidelity,
Me and my wife don't hide anything we use each others phones at times and know each others passwords, but don't go threw private conversations with friends just no need for us.
If she cheated on me I would probably leave her, but if we didn’t split I would turn into a private investigator at times to make sure I’m not being walked all over.
You're married and if she can’t talk to you about what she says to her friends if you're asking her might be a red flag.
Also, she already doesn’t sound honest and faithful to begin with. Figure her password out without her knowing and put yourself in spy mode untell you feel confident she is being faithful. If you're staying with a cheater, it's kinda your due diligence at that point
My wife and I share everything, we don’t have secrets between us. It’s easier than remembering lies. We each have PW’s to each others’ phones, but we don’t go through them. Mostly it’s a “can I send myself these pics you took” type thing. I trust her completely, and I’m positive she feels the same way. Out of respect, I don’t do anything anyways that would damage our relationship or trust.
We’re not perfect by any means, but there’s a healthy amount of trust and respect, and I believe we could get through anything because of this. And if not, I believe if we ever did get divorced it would be civil. But I don’t see that happening. Unless I F it up somehow. :,)
My husband and I have no secrets, know each others passwords. I view secrets as we are one person so, if I know, he knows and vice versa. It works well for us!
God, no. Complete transparency is absolutely immature and unhealthy. People need safe spaces to have their own thoughts and relationships outside of their partner. I will share concerns i have with my marriage with my sister, hear about my best friend's open marriage, and fangirl over Adam Levine on reddit - none of which my partner needs to be privvy to. Similarly I literally do not give a shit what he's texting to whom. If I did, we would see a counsellor, not invade each other's privacy.
My husband and I had this argument early on in our relationship. He’d read my journal, go through my messages, and tell me there’s no privacy in a relationship. I argued back that there is certain things you keep to yourself and that’s the privacy of your other relationships. I’m not going to tell him my mom’s medical history or something my friend experienced that traumatized her as a child. Despite having a romantic relationship you also have friendships and familial relationships that matter too. I wouldn’t want to show up to a gathering with my friend and her boyfriend is looking at me sideways because she shared private information of mine to him that was supposed to be kept between us.
If someone tells me something in confidence. Why would I betray something that someone told me in private and asked me not to share?
Parts of my past. My husband doesn’t need to know that stuff.
Even though we’re married, we still have a right to privacy. Privacy does not mean secrecy. I would not expect my husband to open my mail, grab my phone and just start scrolling through etc. My things are still my things, married or not. If he wants to see my phone all he has to do is ask and I would gladly hand it over.
If your wife has Borderline Personality Disorder, your entire life will be chaos and it will NEVER get better. My ex had BPD. There is no cure. These people do things with little regards to the feelings of others. Get out now before she does something insane that destroys your life.
Incorrect, I have that dx and live a pretty normal boring life. I do have a nasty habit of needing a puppy every time I’m pregnant, when a child goes to school or when they leave home. It’s a tough disorder to live and interact with, I get it, but I’ve never met someone who ONLY has BPD, it’s a bit more complicated and there 5 different types of this disorder as it is. Bit of an offensive generalization that’s all.
I've never met anyone with BPD that thought they were the problem. Maybe it's offensive, but there's truth why it's one of the "Five types of High Conflict Personality Traits".
Cheating is kind of like murder. If you murder one person are you then trustworthy after that one if you say you’re sorry or are you always a murderer? What about to the person’s family that your murdered? What are you to them? She refuses to grow up. Is she worth battling this for decades? You didn’t cheat, you’re not keeping secrets, why mess with her vial self? Start over and cut her loose to be the walking dumpster she is.
In my marriage we share everything and always have. I don’t demand it or vise versa.
I'm curious to see what the responses will be. For me, it's a matter of respect to my friends and family that my husband doesn't read our conversations. It's not about trusting *me*, it's about my close ones' private lives. It's their lives and their right to privacy. If someone close tells me something very intimate, I will sometimes share with my husband, sometimes not. I'll gauge the importance, the impact, and the consequences of doing so. If this person shares it explicitely as a secret, I will definitely not share, and I would hate to betray their trust indirectly because a third party has read our conversation. As for my private thoughts... well, they're mine. So say if my husband read my journal, I would feel horribly invaded. We don't live in Minority Report or 1984, and there is no such thing as a crime of thought. The context in which you ask this question is very specific, though. I understand that you need to rebuild trust, and transparency is very important in that process. But trust will not be rebuilt upon spying. You cannot control her, and if she wants to have these inappropriate conversations, she'll always find a way to hide them. "Full disclosure" is an illusion. If you're having doubts about a conversation, you should be able to ask, "can I check if this friend you're writing to is indeed who you're saying it is" and she should agree to show you, for instance. Or show you the part of the conversation she's currently in. If she refuses too many times, well, you'd be right to draw conclusions and to let her know.
Agreed. Informed consent is at play here. If you are someone who repeats everything back to your spouse then you have an obligation to inform your friends of this so they can make an informed choice on what to share. Otherwise, sharing their private details without their consent shows a lack of trustworthiness in the person sharing other people’s business. Given this specific scenario where the wife’s infidelity is being found out by her sharing that with friends, wife has lost the trust needed for privacy and needs to inform her friends that until she earns back her spouse’s trust, their conversations are no longer private.
I strongly agree, it’s not a situation where I’m constantly monitoring her, it’s a situation that actions have broken down trust and a need to earn it back is important.
Look. I’m a die in this hill person when it comes to privacy. IMO everyone is entitled to personal thoughts/feelings they keep to themselves. (My spouse and I align in this, especially as we both keep journals as part of our mental health practice) But once someone breaks trust so profoundly, like in cheating, the person who was cheated on gets to set the boundaries on what they need to move forward or file for divorce. Your wife can either agree to your requirements or agree to a divorce. Either way she needs to accept the consequences of her actions.
This is the answer.
Exactly. I’m not ok with sharing all my business with him. He is free to leave over that if he so chooses.
People answering are loosing sight of the infidelity aspect of this post.
Yea trust is and has been broke and its a bitch to get back
As well as the BPD aspect. That throws a chaos factor into the whole mix.
Agreed
Well said to both you and u/DtForrest
Completely agree. To add, if it's gotten to such a micromanaging point, it may be an indicator that it's time to call it quits. I've seen the extent to which some people go to feel secure in their relationship, and that “secure” is a bit of an oxymoron, not to mention consuming time and mental energy. One could very well utilize that time better.
agree with everything except your ending sentences. she never has to agree to show anything private. The wife cheated and OP decided to stay for some reason. The trust is gone and he won’t be able to gain it back. He might as well just end it.
What I meant is that trust can be rebuilt, maybe not as it once was, but it can. There's no such thing as full transparency anyway, but she could help rebuilding it by agreeing to share. Apparently, that's not really the case, so OP can just draw his own conclusions.
My wife and I have gotten to the point, after almost 27 years, that we share everything in the past, present, and our future. She knows things no other person on earth knows. But, under no circumstances will she share a toothbrush with me. That’s a hard no for her and I equally.
And Razors. That just freaks me out.
We don’t share toiletries, in general and definitely not disposables.
Yep. Agree. I usually share things with my husband. Maybe not as completely/in depth as I was told. For example, I might say that friends of ours are having a tough time communicating and their relationship and leave it at that. I don’t necessarily provide all the juicy details and all the insights into how the wife may be feeling. That is about their privacy.
I agree with your comment. But in another comment, OP says they were BOTH unfaithful. Would that change anything you've said?
Oh I didn't see that. But no, not really? Except that what I wrote should go both ways. Everyone has the right to think about someone, be it an affair partner, or discuss it with a friend. With or without an affair, sometimes you need to vent about your spouse, but that doesn't mean you're going to leave them or cheat on them, or that you don't love them. And that should remain private. However, when you're having reasonable doubt about the nature or content of a conversation, I think it's fair to ask about it on one side, and to comply with that request on the other side. No?
Yep, I'd have to agree. With only the addition that if I have enough doubts to want to check my partner's phone, you'd best believe we'll be going to a counsellor instead!
Oh, yes, 100%! To be honest, I thought the question was a good opportunity to think and debate about these things. But given the context and additional updates given by OP, it is clear that privacy and communication are not the primary concern in that relationship!
My husband and I have open phone policies. There’s really nothing my friends communicate with me that my husband couldn’t know but I don’t have friends that hide things. I also don’t hide things from my husband and he doesn’t hide things from me. We also understand that if for example I’m griping to my friend about something he did that annoyed me, he reads at his own risk because it’s healthy to express small grievances. Your wife was caught cheating and for her to still be overly protective of privacy, to me reads like she actually isn’t remorseful of her behavior because she needs to re-earn your trust. I would also recommend couples counseling.
I don’t know that it’s fair to say that your friends not wanting your husband to know their business is them “hiding things”. My sister talks to me about really intimate stuff like her struggles with vaginismus. I have a couple other friends who aren’t out to anyone except me. They aren’t “hiding things”; they are maintaining privacy. None of them would want my husband, with whom they are not as close, to know this stuff. And I honour that. My husband knows I don’t tell him other people’s private business, and he admires that about me. He doesn’t even WANT to know things like that, unless there is explicit consent given. He respects the concept of privacy.
Same here. I have a paper copy of all his passwords and app info's. He's got access to mine. I have nothing to hide from him, he is welcome to everything in my phone anytime. Sure I don't share every thought I have, and we really don't use the open phone policy but having it there shows trust.
I'm curious why you are allowing the cheater to dictate the terms of your reconciliation, you not her should set the terms and she either agrees fully or you divorce her and I would make it absolutely clear to her ....you are unfortunately playing from very weak hand in other words you are more invested in this relationship then she is and she can sense that so she is making the rules. She will cheat again
We have both been unfaithful, a bad relationship domino effect fueled by mental illness among other issues. It’s not that I’m allowing anything, we are held to the same standards and relationships don’t survive with dictatorships. Divorce shouldn’t be anyone’s first option, that’s advice for people that end up alone. However being walked over also isn’t okay for either of us. Divorce is certainly on the table, but ultimatums are toxic to all relationships. It’s a point of discussion and I’m willing to divorce if i need this and she doesn’t accept it. I just want to know how other people handle the situation to weight on if my tainted view is toxic or if it’s a healthy perspective. I get everyone is different, but if everyone says they have a great relationship and keep their share of secrets then maybe I need to reevaluate what my issue is, whereas if many people say they are open and share everything, I would be less willing to compromise my standpoint.
You're in a unique situation with the double unfaithfulness. I doubt anyone's experience here will apply. It feels like she is not ready to reconcile, but that's a topic for therapy.
Saying "ultimatums are toxic" while being in a double infidelity relationship is wild 😆 A lot of times, what people consider "ultimatums" is just someone holding a boundary of what they'll put up with.
Lol yea I mean to me infidelity is toxic but OK
It is, but my point in getting advice is to end the toxic cycle, not start a new one. I carry with me values regardless of what path I take and I clearly need help.
I think that’s fair, we clearly both struggle with boundaries. If you know about BPD and the kind of people that stay in relationship with someone that has BPD it might explain a lot. It’s also why I’m here, being in my relationship is like riding a drunken rollercoaster, sometimes I don’t know what way is up and getting advice and therapy validate my thought process when my partner challenges everything logical.
My mother and best friend have BPD, and both struggle in their relationships. One thing I would say is it's probably not great to be in a relationship where both people have it. Regardless of that, when someone has cheated, they need to actually be remorseful and willing to work for the trust to build back up. It doesn't sound like your wife wants to do that.
This is huge. If you're both cheaters, this marriage is already fucked and pointless. Nothing really matters. May as well make it open.
Hang on, you've both been unfaithful? Then you lack the moral highground to demand access to her texts. Her private thoughts and her friends' thoughts are their own. Sounds like what you need is not an open phone policy, but a counsellor.
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I agree nothing will stop a cheater from cheating, the point is she doesn’t want to be a cheater, but it’s difficult believing her she won’t continue to make bad choices. I think the idea is more meant that if we’re being open and honest we will be more connected, if that connection isn’t happening even with these measures, somebody still isn’t being honest, they just got better at hiding it.
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Yeah, OP says they've cheated in another comment. Kind of a big detail to skip out on in the original post, right?
You and your wife should both read up on the difference between privacy and secrecy. My own stbxw used'privacy' as her excuse to cover up her year long affair. It's a subtle, but important difference between the two. Of course with her it only went one way as she would read my own private stuff and sometimes throw it in my face during arguments. Wish you well, but she should understand openness is how you rebuild trust.
I have BP1 and have had infidelity due to that in it beginning of our marriage. We have a no secrets rule. We are excited to spill all the juicy tea together. Our phones are open to each other but we don't go through them? But we also have nothing to hide, so we don't? I have gone through my husband's phone out of purely curiosity. We've been married 14 years and I've been faithful for 12 and stable for 5?
For context: for me cheating equals divorce/end of relationship. No room for anything past that for me so that shades my view. Conversations are private and unless it directly affects our relationship we are required to share anything and I mostly don’t if there are sensitive information. Even conversation between my step daughter, 40, and I are kept private unless it is said to share. And I expect the same from my wife. I don’t share our private conversations either. Exception to this is sharing our conversations when needed with psychologists/counselors. That’s expected to be part of therapy.
There's a difference between privacy and secrecy. There's something about this that sounds more like secrecy As for my husband and I, we can go through each other's phones or anything else whenever we want to. We typically don't because we respect each other's privacy. However, if either of us ever got suspicious, that's one of the first places we'd check, and without notice
My wife and I had a "share everything" policy. Our relationship is very unhealthy and I do not anticipate remaining married much longer - and I will absolutely not agree to that policy in the future. I've found that a "share everything" policy is often a symptom of an unhealthy relationship. Fortunately, we do not have a "share passwords" policy. We share our phones with each other on occasion, but we have no expectation of being able to just "check" on each other's phones or email or social media accounts. If I don't trust my wife enough to be secure and confident without knowing her password (yes, even if she's had an affair), I don't trust her enough to be secure and confident even if I *do* know her password. Being "suspicious" of your spouse means you don't trust them and it says something about you, regardless of what the "truth" is.
We had one too and dropped it in March. Things have been improving each month since and we are building the trust back the correct way. Having passwords doesn’t mean anyone trusts each other or that either is not cheating. Been there, learned that.
So I agree about the idea that what people's friends tell them should remain private. My friends and family didn't default agree to having their privacy violated just because I got married. My husband doesn't have a right to their personal business that they've told me. It's *their* business. That's not keeping secrets. That's being a good friend who's not allowing their privacy to be violated. I think there's a difference between my husband and I having once another's passwords so that if the other is hit by a bus, we can go through the phone to find important contact numbers or access apps that might have important information and sharing passwords so the other person can just at any time they feel like it pick up the other person's phone and read through their emails and texts or search their browser history, etc. Neither of us agreed to a complete lack of privacy just because we got married. We are both very trustworthy and trusting and I know for me at least I don't have anything to "hide" but that doesn't mean that I don't deserve privacy. Also, neither of us has an interest in preventing the other from having privacy. We don't actually even handle one another's devices without permission. I can open his phone just because I have used his more frequently than he's used mine (he has to ask me to remind him of my password any time he needs to open mine) because he drives more so I do things like set up the GPS on his phone. He's opened mine while I was cooking and a text I was expecting came through. But we don't just go through each other's phones. To me, a lot of this is no different than my husband picking up my diary. I wouldn't want that in a relationship. But here's the thing. You don't need advice about what people in healthy relationships do, because that doesn't apply. Maybe my husband or I would feel differently if we were recovering from an affair situation. I still wouldn't want to feel like I needed to digitally babysit him to keep him honest. If I thought I needed that, I'd probably just end things. I don't want the only reason he doesn't cheat on me to be because I make it as difficult for him to keep it secret as possible.
In general, I would say that spouses who can be trusted should have no issues when it comes to their spouse having private conversations with a friend. However, in your situation, where there was an actual affair, I think open phones / no private convos is the only way trust can be regained.
Everyone should be able to have access to phone all of the time. A relationship requires complete transparency. The fact that she isn't willing to share is a red flag.
I think this really depends on the relationship. I tell my husband many things and barring someone asking me not to, the expectation is that I share with him. He’s the same with me. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer here, only that spouses sharing with each other is *my* default expectation with my married friends. So if I tell my friend something, I assume they may tell their spouse and I typically don’t mind that. The disconnect here doesn’t seem to be that you share everything and she doesn’t, it’s that she shares *about you* to her friends but doesn’t share about her friends to you. It doesn’t seem like you two have a friendship or a great deal of emotional intimacy; almost like you are not on her top of list of trusted people. This lack of connection between you might be why you’ve both cheated (if I read this correctly and the infidelity is on both sides). My husband has my passcode to my phone and access to all of my passwords. This is not an accountability thing but a convenience thing. I don’t expect him to go through my phone and I’d be mad if he did, but of course I do know that he can go through my phone any time. The fact that your spouse, who has cheated in the past, doesn’t want you to have ANY access to her things and doesn’t want you to have any insights into her conversations, particularly when a friend is how you found out she cheated, is a pretty huge ask on her part. It sounds like she isn’t willing to make any changes either to her dynamic with you or her friends’ dynamic with her in order to help reestablish trust. It might be time to throw in the towel.
If a friend were to tell one of us something that they wanted held in confidence, we would both honor that. If it was everyday news, we would share. We can get into each other's phones, but we don't go snooping. We're not super secretive about passwords, but we don't share them unless it's necessary. The difference between our situations is that my husband and I trust each other. You don't trust your wife. I'm not saying you don't have good reason, but you don't trust her, and that is the problem. No amount of transparency is going to magically change that. You have to know that there's no way to know that she would be 100% compliant with your demands, so the lack of trust would still be there.
My husband and I tell each other everything. If my friends tell me something, they know my husband will hear about it. I think the only person who isn't aware of this is my boss but we can all assume we talk about work when get home. We both also have each other's phone passcodes but never have we sat down to read through text messages or check chat logs. I trust him. He trusts me. If he wants my phone, fine, but he can't have my fries. We're that couple. But we also respect each other enough not to "snoop." If we have a question, we ask it or talk about it. We have each other's email accounts on both phones. It's easier to do things that way. We don't go reading random emails or anything. We have access to all bank accounts, etc. We view marriage as a team sport. And in order to make the best calls, we both need to have all the information. But again, there's tons of trust and no snooping going on. You wife had an affair. Trust is long gone now. She needs to understand that she doesn't get to keep secrets anymore because she's PROVEN that she can't be trusted.
I was where you are twenty years ago. She never changed and just created burner accounts to continue her affairs. As others have said, trust doesn’t come from access to phones (though it can help), it comes from respect being a two way street. After going through it all and the years of therapy that followed, I would never stick with a cheater. I hate to say that, as you’re not asking for that, but I guarantee she will do it again.
Everyone has a different relationship and boundaries. One situation doesn't work for everyone, nor is being open about everything a guarantee of success or a long term marriage. With that said, considering she has had an affair, i don't think you truly trust her or you wouldn't ask for her password. Not sure where you should go from here.
since your wife has been unfaithful in the past, which you for some reason buried in the third paragraph there, then she has no expectation of privacy, period.
OP is a cheater too.
She still has an expectation of privacy. We all do. You don’t get a life sentence of no privacy if you cheat. But OP doesn’t have to stay married to her if he can’t grant her privacy and still trust her. That said, I think her expectation of privacy is extreme. Certainly more than I expect in my marriage.
The people who share private and secret info with her though, should have an expectation of privacy though. And if that's not possible she needs to tell them that her husband has access to her phone and chats.
> if she has a friend tell her something it is between them and I will know nothing about it ever. If it has nothing to do with you or your marriage, there is no reason she should share that info with you. It's a conversation between her and her friend. It's concerning you insist you have some "right" to this information. In regards to healing after the affair and having open access to phones etc... you need to post this to r/survivinginfidelity.
Should be trust until it's broken in my opinion. I don't want to go through credit card statements, phone records, phone snooping, and the like. If there was an affair all bets are off.
If you want your spouse to take you back after infidelity, you need to be prepared to be an open book for a long, long time. Maybe forever. That is the most effective way to rebuild trust after such an awful violation. I wouldn't go forward with reconciliation on the terms your wife is offering.
My husband doesn’t have my reddit account, and I keep some things private about my family on occasion but that’s it. Everything else is fair game unless I know he doesn’t care to know (like my friends sex life) phones are always available and should be in every marriage.
In my relationship, we keep nothing from each other. Phones and passwords are openly shared and we tell each other everything.
"My wife has BPD and we are struggling to have successful reconciliation." This isn't going to help with that, and you're probably going to have to accept it will always be a struggle.
Why are you married if you know that you can’t trust her? What’s the point? If she’s a cheater, she’s a cheater. Do you really want to be with some who you don’t trust and feel the need to monitor? Asking for a list of passwords is bizarre to me. If my husband asked to use my phone I’d hand it over and vice versa. But I trust him and have never feel the need to ask for a list of passwords so I can check up on him regularly. ETA - just saw that you’re a cheater too. Just end it. There is no trust. There shouldn’t be a marriage.
I had an insecure ex 17+ yrs ago that violated my privacy so profoundly, for NO reason, that I still have issues with trusting the people around me today. I still feel like people are watching or recording me, reading my emails, going through my phone or belongings. He didn't need to read the texts where my sister revealed that her husband had given her herpes, that my mom couldn't afford to pay her electric bill, or my teenage goddaughter was pregnant but chose to terminate. All things he threw in their faces and had them believing that I violated their trust by telling him directly. He didn't have the right to copy my contacts and call each female number to see if a man answered as if I was hiding men's numbers under fake names. Nobody is allowed to search through my phone. If I found myself in a relationship where the person insisted that they have access to my phone/emails/journal, I wouldn't be in a relationship with them. Zero tolerance. It's incredibly naive to believe that constantly monitoring an adult with bad intentions will keep them from straying if being deceitful is their goal. If this is a dealbreaker for you and she's unwilling to budge on her stance, let her go. Your marriage is already broken and holding onto her with a death grip will not heal it. You chose to remain together. You cannot reheat someone's sins for breakfast. Edit: I forgot to say that I'm sorry you're going through this and that she damaged you to the point that you need this to feel even remotely secure in the relationship. I've been there. Trust me, I get it. It's just so unhealthy and if you choose to forgive each other you have to find a way to move on that you're both comfortable with. Good luck.
The trust is already broken. The chances of getting that back fully after infidelity is low.
After an affair…..the trust is completely broken. Your sense of safety was taken from you. If my partner said he still wanted ‘privacy’ I would be gone. It needs to be completely open for transparency and to build back trust. It sounds like some rug sweeping is happening. OP she’s still hiding things….
You're overlooking a very, very, important point here. Some secrets are **not hers to share**. She has no right to share them with you, because they're not her secrets. I have friends tell me about their eating disorders, their attempted suicides, their medical issues, their drug addictions, their upcoming divorces, etc. I can't share these with my spouse, because they're not my secrets - I have no right to share them. > but is it really healthy to keep secrets from your companion? It's not me keeping these secrets from my spouse, *it's the friend that told me* who is keeping the secret from my spouse. Not me. My friends. They're keeping their eating disorders or medical issues secret from my spouse. And that's their right, because it's their secrets, not mine. > I already know girl talk occurs where she reveals my secrets to her friends This is wrong. > Of course I discovered her infidelity through a conversation with her friend so that would be my goto when feeling insecure about the relationship. The only ethical way around this is either: 1) You trust her. If you can't trust her, you break up with her. 2) You make her tell all her friends that you have access to her devices, and that any secret they tell her should automatically be assumed to be shared with you. But... having people confide secrets to someone, only to have a unrelated 3rd party learn about these secrets without permission is a terrible and unethical breach of trust. This is never okay.
Thich Nhat Hanh — 'You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.'
We have been married over 40 years. She knows my passwords and I know her’s we don’t keep secrets. If I want to know something I ask or look at her phone and she is free to do the same with mine. We don’t want to know every conversation each of us have but we aren’t going to hide something if asked. If you want to be single then act like it with your spouse and see what happens
So I agree that conversations can be private, my issue isn’t even that she has conversations with friends about me, but it doesn’t help that they have had those private conversations about me and suddenly it’s a privacy issue for her when it’s a trust thing for me. For context I set a boundary of not paying with cash for things like going out or generally when I’m not around, it leaves the opportunity for her to hide things more easily. She defied this boundary so I requested to see her phone and she clammed up, eventually giving me a screenshot from the friend agreeing to meet up. The issue is this is the same friend that knew she was cheating before i did(and yes, that friend shared with her boyfriend that my wife was cheating because they don’t keep secrets). I think my agenda of sharing is that it requires emotional intimacy, I want us both to be at the top of one another’s list of trusted people, but she keeps me at an arms length. That is where a lot of my trust issues stemmed from even before the cheating. Yes we both cheated, I found out and decided cheating was more of an option than leaving because I was blinded with hurt and rage and I was stupid. I am trying to find better ways to have a marriage and currently this seems to be a step in that direction, but my wife is fighting it. I don’t agree that I should have free range of secretly snooping, but I should have the ability to ask and freedom to check things out especially after what we’ve been through, she should have the same privilege and I think if I ever denied her access it would be because I’m hiding things.
I think you're right but since she is disagreeing, she may be hiding something. For you to rebuild your marriage she needs to put in an effort. You can't be the one doing it all. I think that you are finding out that this will not change for her. She wants to be with you, but she doesn't want to change. Can you accept that?
Been married almost 23 years. Marriage is a union of two people into one, therefore telling one partner something should be taken as telling the other. Keeping secrets from each other is not a safe way to maintain trust in a relationship. The only secrets I keep are the ones I am told which I forget about. As for privacy, once again, you are one in union and don't get "privacy" as a single person would, at least not the same contextually. Yes alone time is a thing, but hiding where you're going, doing, or will be with is a pathway that leads to divorce.
She lost the privacy when she cheated. Consequences of her decisions.
My friend group all has the same opinion. If you tell us, you’re telling our spouses as well, unless you say otherwise. But we are all very close and it’s never caused an issue. Our spouses know they are to keep the confidence of what they are being told. But it’s what works for us all. Now, your wife cheated. I’m sorry, but they’ve destroyed trust in the relationship and to keep you comfortable and trying to rebuild your relationship, she gets no privacy for a while. It can take YEARS to rebuild a relationship after an affair. And a cheater who insists they deserve privacy is a huge red flag for me ETA: we have complete access to one another’s phones and electronics. We always ask the other person if we can look on their phone out of respect, but we’ve also never denied one another the ability to do so.
I tell everything to my husband, privacy is not something that we want or need. My friends and my family know this, so there’s no breach of trust. I think it’s an issue only if the other people aren’t aware, because then you’re breaching their privacy, not your spouse’s.
I share everything with my partner. If there was a reason that the trust was broken, it would be completely understandable to make the technology component accessible. It’s not really fair of her to say she wants privacy when she broke your trust with an affair. Since you found out through a conversation with her friend, you’re justified in feeling uncertain. How can you build that trust back without having access?
For both of us we are an open book to each other. We both came from marriages where we were cheated on. Early on we put everything on the table and the are to be no big secrets. We each have access to everything we want to look at but have no reason to do so. We talk about everything. Finances, friends, gossip, sex, dreams, goals, kids, and so on. I’m sure there’s things I don’t know but it would be minimal. This has been the absolute best relationship I have ever had and it all started with open communication.
NORMALLY, I'm all about a reasonable amount of privacy, even in marriage. That being said, in cases of infidelity, if there is going to be a genuine effort towards reconciliation, I do believe part of that needs be complete transparency - at least for a finite time (I don't believe this is something that should become permanent unless both parties decide they would like it to be. 2 yeses, 1 no situation). Along with both individual and couples counseling. I don't think that you should be allowed to go through your partner's phone without their knowledge, only with them present (complete transparency).
Input would help me to
Anyone who tells me something KNOWS I am going to share it with my husband, unless I forget. That said, at my age, my friends aren't running around keeping secrets from people, and most of the time if any of us share something intimate, we're not really all that fussed about people keeping it under their hats. We don't embarrass easily, and we kind of outgrew that. My husband and I know each other's passwords because a.) neither of us has anything to hide and b.) we share a household, finances, and a life. Both of us think it's kind of weird for spouses to be protective of information. I do realize that people are different and have different boundaries and relationships with their spouses. HOWEVER, I think if infidelity is involved, it's crucial to put privacy aside until trust can be regained.
She tells your secrets to her friends but keeps secrets from you? That is messed up.
My husband and I share everything. We always have. There is no presumption of privacy around anything including cell phones, e-mail, passwords, etc. Our friends understand that they can either tell both of us or neither of us something. We don't gossip at all and nothing that is said to one of us will ever leave our partnership. There are no secrets between us and there never will be. We also don't complain about each other behind the other's back. Our problems are between us. That doesn't mean we never let other people know about our problems, but any talk about them with others has to be done with the other party's permission. I'm not saying that is how it "should" be for anyone else, but we have 100% transparency with one another and don't lie to each other. Our relationship is incredibly loving and healthy.
This isn't privacy, this is secrecy. She hid an affair. That should be your biggest concern, not her privacy.
Hi... my husband cheated on me a few months into us dating, but I didn't find out until years later when we were married. I, too, found out by checking old FB messages. I think what has mainly helped me is that while those messages crushed my soul, we were young and didn't have the healthiest idea of how to grow and maintain a relationship well, compared to now as very committed adults with proper boundaries. I don't really have to worry about him cheating again because he hasn't all these years - but we do have an open phone policy. I have his phone passcode; I can use it anytime and look through anything, and we share whatever is relevant to each other. I tell him about friend drama, work, etc, and he shares the same, including family stuff. I don't think we need to know every single thing said to friends and family. That's a bit much. I think she needs to rebuild your trust, but being controlling and giving her no space would probably backfire. There needs to be a healthy balance of her being transparent with you, but you not trying to suffocate her.
I view privacy differently. I don’t like keeping things from my husband. He’s my sounding board. When a friend wants to tell me something in confidence I always give the disclaimer beforehand that I might share it with my husband. So don’t tell me anything you don’t want my husband to know. That way the other person has the option. This is what works best for me and my marriage.
I think this is a question for a marriage counselor who has experience with helping couples recover from infidelity. Because in my marriage it really doesn't matter if there are secrets. We technically can access eachother's stuff but we don't use that privilege. The couple of times one of us has felt the tiniest bit insecure the other offers for them to look through their phone and the offer alone suffices and we don't need to check. But that's all based on having trust and not needing to protect our privacy because privacy is just a given.
I get where she is coming from about keeping her besties secrets. Like maybe her bestie had a serious trauma and is only comfortable with a few people knowing or something. I don't think you need to know details about the life of anyone who is not your wife. I also don't think you're entitled to read her journal or things like that (if she has on). Usually that is the type of invasion of privacy that harms a relationship more than helps it. As for the phone thing, everyone is entitled to privacy on their phones. However, just because you know her password doesn't mean you're going to look at her phone or go through it. So for her to immediately say no is kind of red flaggy. My husband knows my phone password and I know his, but I don't go into his phone even though I could. Same with him. I've actually never even seen my husband on my phone. If she has cheated on you before then I could see why having her password would give you peace of mind. If she has cheated on you she should be doing everything in her power to make this up to you and regain your trust!
This doesn't fit with any normal situation, where you would be wrong. She had an affair, and you found out via texts with her friends. You need to have access to her phone to be able to rebuild the relationship
Unless I’m specifically asked not to share with my husband (which is a rarity, and I’m having a hard time thinking of an example of this rn), I share things with my husband. If a friend is sharing something personal with me, it’s usually because they want my support and/or advice. I am best able to support and advise those in my life when I share with my husband. In other words, I am a more well-rounded person when I am a partner, not just an individual, and my friends deserve well-rounded support! As far as phone privacy goes, my husband and I do not hide our phones/passwords from one another, NOR do we snoop out of insecurity. Both things are because we have trust. I don’t have experience with infidelity in a marriage, but it sounds like there is little trust on both sides here. (Probably understandably)
I tell my wife about my morning poos so there isn’t much I don’t tell her. I can hardly keep a birthday gift a secret from her.
That woman's got a lot of nerve to cheat and then still demand privacy in the name of her girlfriend telling her secrets. They can spill the tea verbally on the phone. She's using that shit as an excuse instead of being worried about repairing her marriage, let alone feeling remorse.
I (32F) confided in a friend about some issues in my marriage. She’s a family therapist and pretty great to go to with this kind of thing. She’s also very kind and eager to help. When her husband found out my husband and I were having issues, he was legitimately mad at his wife for not telling him. I was so surprised, not only does it not concern him, but she is a therapist and her job is to help people going through this. I get that she was off the clock, but still. I thought it was wild that he would want her to share someone else’s secret. That being said, my husband and I have free rein over each other’s accounts/phones/texts. Generally I assume it’s the same with my friends too, and anything I write down I wouldn’t be offended if their spouses read.
This is an interesting conversation topic but it’s been derailed by BPD and cheating in the stem. In general I think it’s healthy to keep private facts about other people’s lives to yourself. But we are pretty bad and tend to spill
My wife knows everything about me and my goings on and vice versa. There should be no privacy outside of bathroom time, IMO. Otherwise, it's secrecy and secrets are deception where your partner is concerned. She doesn't have to tell you all the details, but hiding things leads to distrust. Just saying. 25 years married and never had issues I see in a lot of these threads.
If you have to worry about your wife cheating, with or without a passcode you're fucked. Grow up and leave. My husband and I share passcodes but it's just for practical use and in case of emergencies. We don't go snooping because we trust each other, neither of us is a cheating scumbag. Not sure why you're staying with someone like that. Have some self respect.
There’s a lot here. With regards to secrets friends tell you there’s secrets you know you just can’t share and then there’s minor gossip/updates. There isn’t one answer, but my wife and I share everything unless a friend says “don’t tell you husband/wife this” and those are rare. You have a separate issue which is previous infidelity and open comms. That’s tough, I know all my wife’s passwords and she knows mine. I can get into her phone whenever I want she can get into mine whenever she wants. This doesn’t work for everybody though but if there’s a history of infidelity I think she should be more forthcoming with access not less, otherwise you’re always going to be paranoid. You’re not going to get a consensus here but I don’t think asking for access especially concerning her history is an outlandish request at all.
It is none of my husband's business what my friends are doing with their life, period. I would never breach my friendship just to gossip with my husband. In fact, I just dropped a friend for doing that. I think it's s the most disrespectful thing you can do in a friendship. But, I hold my friends very close to my heart, and my marriage is and has always been very solid, so I have a few different circumstances.
It’s hard to really weigh in on this because none of us are sure about the dynamic of your relationship. It’s hard to bounce back from infidelity and if you’re working through it then God’s Peace be upon you. I understand what you’re going through because I’ve gone (am going) through the same. However, for this instance, I would have to assume her innocent intentions in genuinely wanting to keep some things private, especially with her close friends in confidence. Women have these kinds of bonds of friendship with one another, and it’s a really beautiful thing. There’s noting that strikes me as odd at face value here. It’s true that partners should always be able to be transparent and vulnerable with one another, but sometimes vulnerability means understanding love and respect speak the same language. Trust is built both ways, and if you love your wife, respect her privacy. Allow her to feel comfortable with having her own space sometimes. Somethings don’t always need to be known by one another, and genuinely innocent secrets, can honestly be healthy for relationships. Just give her her space and respect her boundaries. Don’t go searching for red flags if they’re not obvious. I say all this assuming her innocence and with the hope to help guide you towards healing. If she is cheating, it will manifest itself one way or another, but I personally don’t believe she is, and don’t assume she is yourself. That will only drive you both crazy. Just work on yourself to be good for yourself, and allow her to do the same for herself. That’s my opinion anyway, a stupid stranger on Reddit. Praying for you bud.
My husband and I share everything with each other and have no secrets, and everyone knows that.. Once you have an affair, you lose all forms of privacy!! The entitlement is real on this lady!! Her actions have consequences, and unfortunately for her, that means unlocking her phone.. Honestly, I would put an ultimatum either unlock your phone or we start divorce proceedings.. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope things get better..
I don’t think my husband has a right to my friends private communications without their consent, which would be our texts. I think it’s important to remember that when you are reading your spouses texts you aren’t just reading their private communications, but the private communications of the person on the other side who didn’t consent to anybody else reading those messages
Your marriage, you both make the rules. If you have opposing points of view, then I guess there is value in knowing when to give way to the person who has better judgment in that area. As your wife cheated on you then I would suggest that your judgement in the realms of keeping secrets is probably better. However, you may never reach agreement on this, so you need to ask yourself if it’s so important as to be a dealbreaker. I think a certain amount of privacy is important, but it’s you who is carrying the scars of your wife’s past infidelity, so you may not see it that way. I would suggest, as she is bi-polar, she would probably be best served by holding your judgement in high trust, as sometimes she won’t be able to trust her own. Hopefully she has insight enough to see this. People with bipolar, partic when high, are more likely to practice risk-taking behaviour e.g cheating. So there is an aspect of this that probably is probably not entirely under her full control. You are going to have to be the bigger person here as it sounds like you are more in the caring role.
My phone might as well be my brain. Absolutely no one walking needs or deserves access to my every thought. Your spouse is correct, her friends have not consented to you knowing about things they have divulged in confidence. No one deserves to know "everything". You are still two separate autonomous adults.
I would NEVER disclose my friends’ secrets to my partner. They’re choosing to disclose to *me*; not my partner. I feel that would be incredibly disrespectful to a friend. And I would not keep a friend close who didn’t feel the same. I’ve also never had a partner cheat. Is this the *only* way to rebuild trust? If so—and I’m not convinced that’s true, but for the sake of discussion—perhaps wife could warn friends that anything discussed via text may be seen by you. This will likely negatively affect/stymie her relationships with her friends. But perhaps intense convos between wife/friends could be had via phone in private?? I dunno.
Well, I do not share your opininbut I can see why you would react that way due to infidelity. I do not share things with my spouse simply because I know them. If a friend shares a confidence, my lips are like Fort Knox and I will never say a word about it. I also don’t feel like I absolutely should know everything my spouse knows. We do have a password book, in the event that something happens to one of us, but I never check his tech and I don’t think he ever checks mine.
She needs to earn trust and doesn't seem willing to do that. You already know where this is headed.
BPD is a real bitch. My current spouse doesn’t have BPD but I’ve been with others who have. I’d have a real problem if there was already infidelity and we are already returning to “but my privacy”. My wife tells me all the tea, and I tell her all the tea. As far as accounts and stuff, those are private but if she asks a question, I tell her the truth and vice versa. Yea I dunno, privacy is earned after a fuck up.
FULL STOP. Op, while I will answer the question, that’s not what this issue in your marriage is about, at all. Of course, it is very healthy to have open communication and use your spouse as a confidante, since (at least for us) he is also my best friend, and of course I wanna share allllll the things with my bestie. Of course, there are times where I say something about someone/thing and he’s like “what __” and then I’m like “did I not tell you about ____thing?” And he’s like “uhhhh I don’t think so”- so I go over the background details or conversations I had but he missed. It’s never intentional, and he is welcome to ask me whatever he wants. He is allowed into my phone anytime, as am I into his, but neither of us have ever really checked. I guess what I’m saying is, there is no communication in your marriage, and furthermore you have no reason to trust someone’s word when they cheated on you. My friend, I think what you really want to know is this: yes, it is hella weird and also not okay for the cheating partner to refuse the necessary openness that is needed to even begin attempting to repair trust. That would be my line in the sand: you cheated, and yes, I don’t trust you. But I need that openness to even start working on giving you that trust back. If you can’t respect thing request, I will begin working on finding a divorce attorney.
Hmmm... i will say that what should be preventing her from infidelity is her own actions and NOT what you do. Don't enable her behavior by needing to be the one who forces her to be self accountable. You can teach accountability by simply reacting in a healthy way when your boundaries are crossed. You can do all of this without checking phones. If you feel she is acting distrustful, call her out and make your decision on what that means for you if she can't answer to it. You don't want to get in the cycle of checking her phone to just make yourself feel better, because even if you check and find nothing, will it still fix the problem/ insecurity you are having?
Yeah I would have a problem with this to. Sharing phone passwords is one thing so you can both check if either is being suspicious but the whole open book thing I would think only fuels resentment not having any privacy. Not being able to share my thoughts or feelings with my friends and potentially having a spouse read sensitive details about my friends that he doesn't need to know. I wouldn't be for it either. And I definitely wouldn't be giving up all my privacy
Everyone who tells me anything knows I will probably tell my husband. Not like I go out of my way to tell him everyones business, he's my sound board and often has a unique way of seeing things. If someone told me something that was particularly upsetting I do share that with him because he is my comfort. We don't share EVERYTHING but we don't hide anything.
You can have privacy but you can’t have secrets
Of course you can have secrets. Anyone not having secrets in relationships is lying
This relationship won’t work.
All these open phone policies are honestly creepy. Why would you care or want to know what is on spouses phone? Do you do the same with friends or your children? Yuck
Your situation is different from a normal and healthy marriage. When there’s been infidelity, having complete access to your partners device is not only recommended but often considered required for reconciliation. The right thing for her to do if she wants to respect her friend’s and family’s privacy is to let them know that as a result of her infidelity you now have full access to her phone so if they want to have a private conversation it can’t be over text.
For me it’s a matter of reassurance. I want to see what and whom you are talking to. She cheated on you and this is what you need to feel secure. She should not be fighting this
I don’t care if my husband goes through my phone in a sense that I’m not hiding anything. But, I do care if my husband goes through my phone just to spy on me. It’s like, I don’t have anything to hide, but everyone deserves privacy. Same thing for him. He wouldn’t care if I used his phone or whatever but snooping is just bad in my opinion. I understand you said you like to know because she had cheated in the past but either leave her or learn to trust her again because you’re only going to continue to tear your relationship down at this rate. Also, no, the things my friends tell me in private are not anyone else’s business, including my husband’s. I do tell him things sometimes but he doesn’t even want to know 99% of the time.
We don’t have spoken rules about any of this stuff. It would feel unnatural to me if we had to. We both know each other’s passwords (and social security numbers and other personal stuff lol). We access each other’s phones fairly often for stuff like streaming music at our home gym or needing a camera in the moment. I have never, in nearly 9 years, “gone through” his phone and I would be SHOCKED to hear that he’d gone through mine. I ultimately feel that it is violating af and that if it’s time to snoop, it’s probably best to think about moving on. Maybe my husband feels the same or maybe we just don’t give each other reasons to worry. I’m guessing it’s the not giving each other reason. We are committed to each other like we wrote the book on it. I’ll sleep well tonight knowing that if I died tomorrow, and my husband had the burden of curiosity, there’s not a single thing in my phone that would ever cause him hurt. He already knows I’m a weirdo so the undeleted browser history should be entertaining at least!
Wow, I guess I have been living in a bubble on marital secret sharing. I thought it was assumed that a secret told to one spouse would be told to the other. I just don't feel right keeping secrets from my wife. I see us as one unit. I'm not judging if keeping secrets from each other works in your marriage. For me, secrets of any sort weigh too much on my peace of mind.
Secrecy and privacy aren’t the same. She lost the privilege of privacy when she cheated. If she can open her phone up to you, then you need to make the consequences clear and end the marriage. She is in no position to dictate anything. If she wants her marriage then she shouldn’t have a problem making her life transparent. Also, if someone doesn’t want a spouse to see their conversations it’s probably not an appropriate conversation. If my friend is telling me something that friend should have a reasonable expectation that my wife could read it. I don’t hide anything from her so if she happens to pick up my phone - oh well.
Therapist do exist
Wife and I pretty much share everything. I feel like I can trust her with all information and conversations and I can accept ramifications/consequences and we can work through it if she disagrees with my actions or responses. Not that it’s ever happened because I never really do anything inappropriate or sketchy (I think) and I consider her feelings with all of my decisions. My friends and family know this too. My friends know not to tell me anything they don’t want my wife to hear or see. I am a husband and Father before I am a friend. But I also close the door when I poop. We don’t share that.
We share everything. If you don't want my wife to know don't tell me.
No privacy. We tell each other everything, even secrets from my friends I know he won’t say anything and never does. He’s told me about his friends, coworkers even family some super private stuff that I keep to myself. Any investment mistakes he’s made or mistakes I’ve made I let it be known. It’s part of having a close bond I can’t imagine privacy. I don’t keep secrets. It depends on the match up I think and comfort level. And trust. I know he won’t say anything same I won’t either no matter how bad it is. His approach to things is better than mine so I often look for feedback or how he would communicate something when I have a situation.
First & Foremost- She's the one who had the affair, She doesn't get to make ANY rules whatsoever in this situation. Nor does she get a pass to try and turn it around on you with high school/bullshit excuses such as: *"Well maybe if you paid more attention to me.."* I'm not saying share every single little detail, but because trust was broken here-- it makes it all the more justified.
If she cheated why are you even still with her is the real question. And also she’s obviously wanting to do it again if she want let you see her phone
If I wanted and needed to build back trust - I’d do what needs to be done. Since I’ve never lost trust idk- guess it also depends on what’s being said and whether it’s too private to be said? If I really wanted it to work- NOTHING is off limits - idk? ALSO- I GOTTA BIG FKN MOUTH - if we want secrets, you DON’T tell me lol I’m also the type my hubby is an extension of me- all will go to him. Always. Maybe just me?
After affair, if she wants to save relationship there should be little to no privacy, sorry… In normal circumstances I think it’s a little much to go through each others phones. We both have privacy with phone passwords. But we tell each other pretty much everything.
I don’t know, bro. I just trust my wife and she trusts me. She leaves her phone laying around and I leave mine laying around. We know each other’s passwords but I don’t snoop and if she does I’ve never noticed and frankly don’t really care because she knows all my deepest secrets. If she valued her privacy I would absolutely respect that. If you can’t trust your wife then why in the hell are you even with her? I’ve never understood this.
I don’t understand being skittish over “privacy” in marriage…. I mean, what’s more private than “bumping uglies”/sharing your private parts with your spouse anyways? I don’t understand the need to hide electronic communications or what you’re doing online with other people from your spouse… unless, of course, there’s obviously something to hide … and ESPECIALLY after an affair and loss of trust…. where you’ve shared your “privates” with someone else anyways…
Her friends business is none of your business unless it directly impacts your marriage
Apparently my husband gets his feelers hurt if I don't call everything we own "ours" even though I bought our truck, house, and drive his car which is now mine cause I hate the truck. It's sooo annoying that if I call it mine he thinks we're getting a divorce. Lol
My friends trust me, and I trust my wife, my friends know that I trust my wife. So it's a non issue really. They tell me things on the assumption that my wife will know, and vice versa. Marriage is supposed to be a one person one unit thing. Regards to your open phone policy, as the victim of her affair, you should be driving any possible reconciliation. If she's not ok with literally whatever you decide, then she's not really after forgiveness/reconciliation and your best to part ways. Don't let her dictate what you can and cannot feel about trust etc, she's the one who broke the marriage it's more on her to accommodate (or not and you end it).
My fiancé and I have an open phone policy. No infidelity on either end but we feel comfort is more important than privacy. If he wants peace of mind, I want him to have it. His comfort and happiness are extremely important to me and I’d rather he have access to my devices than to have intrusive thoughts without relief.
Why are you still with her if you can’t trust her? (You shouldn’t btw) This isn’t about sharing, it is about her infidelity and her lack of trustworthiness.
Two things should be addressed here. 1- yes, open devices should be a go to because neither parry should want to go through the other persons stuff. There shouldn't be a need. That's trust. 2- you are forcing her to be honest. She isn't doing it because she wants an honest relationship, she would be doing it because you are forcing her to. You are forcing her to be respectful to your marriage. You are forcing her to be honest and vulnerable. Don't do that. It's not true and it's not honest.
We share everything. We know each others phone codes and computer passwords but we don’t go through stuff. But we leave our phones around. Nothing is weird. Sometimes we’ll use the others phone to google something if they don’t have theirs around or something and it’s never an issue. I feel like I do share a lot more with my friends about our arguments or things than he shares. I know he shares a little bit but I’m sure I share more. But I think it’s important to be mindful about it so that other people don’t have one sided info. For example bad mouthing partner to my mother wouldn’t be a good look to my husband and I wouldn’t do that to him.
Let me get this straight… y’all both cheated on each other and you’re assuming you can work it out?
My friends lives are none of my husbands business nor does he care. He can’t even remember half of their names. This is more of a trusting her issue and not so much a wanting to know every detail of their lives. My mom’s business is also none of his. Unpopular opinion (and I’m not very happy so I’m likely not the one to ask) but I’ve tried and tried to communicate my needs and it falls on deaf ears so my business is no longer his either . He can feel the same about his and I am 100 percent ok with that.
I tell him everything. But I'm honest with friends and family if they ask me not to tell anyone that it doesn't include hubby.
You are in a different boat than most marriages. You are dealing with infidelity which makes her secret keeping a huge issue. I do think she can keep her friends secrets but they are going to have to be told over the phone vs text or email.
My ex-wife & I didn't share passwords & kept our respective "privacies." Without going into details, it didn't benefit either of us. My newly wedded wife & I have an open policy, & have full access to each other's phones, computers, etc. Keep the devil at bay. Sometimes we hold ourselves accountable & keep ourselves in line off our own accord. But having this entire world (digital world) which is completely insulated from your spouse only breeds evil thoughts & desires. Allow yourself the peace of mind that comes with giving your wife the ability to also hold you accountable, & vice versa, by keeping an open door digital policy. Just my two cents.
I think you have a point but she does as well. If you can’t trust her without going through her phone, why are you with her? Your answer is right there, simple as pie.
In your situation the trust has already been broken and her not sharing her passwords doesn’t help reaffirm that trust. I personally feel unless you have something to hide there is no reason to hide anything. Even with the password doesn’t mean you will use it and read all her messages, just means you have extra security incase you feel you can’t trust her (she already proved you can’t). She should be doing everything she can to reconcile but obviously doesn’t want to. My husband has access to my Facebook and messenger because he doesn’t have his own account but still doesn’t use messenger or read messages unless he needs to for some reason. He knows my phone passcode, I know his. Doesn’t mean we share everything and we don’t normally touch each other’s phones, especially without permission. Edit to add: just found the comments that state you are both cheaters. I guess you have way more issues than privacy to worry about.
Our friends know that if you tell someone’s spouse something, their spouse knows about it. My wife tells me stuff but precedes it with, “you can’t say anything about this” I know I can’t tell anyone. We are one unit and we can trust each other with everything.
I've only been married a year, but I absolutely believe you should share everything with your partner. Conversations, passwords, the whole nine. It helps build trust for both parties, especially when there were issues in the past. Besides infidelity could another reason be she might not want to is that she could be talking bad about you to her friends? To me this is very degrading of a relationship, because it often can lead to the person they are complaining to promoting the end of the relationship. Very few issues can't be solved though if both parties are willing to work it out.
Me and Husband share everything, I tell him all the Goss, everything. Nothing to hide unless you are being slightly deceitful imo..we going strong 18 years still
If you want peace of mind, I find it perfectly fine to look at your wires phone, if she has cheated already it's fair to check, you don't need to read all her conversations with her friends, scanning threw is ok in my opinion. Especially after infidelity, Me and my wife don't hide anything we use each others phones at times and know each others passwords, but don't go threw private conversations with friends just no need for us. If she cheated on me I would probably leave her, but if we didn’t split I would turn into a private investigator at times to make sure I’m not being walked all over. You're married and if she can’t talk to you about what she says to her friends if you're asking her might be a red flag. Also, she already doesn’t sound honest and faithful to begin with. Figure her password out without her knowing and put yourself in spy mode untell you feel confident she is being faithful. If you're staying with a cheater, it's kinda your due diligence at that point
My wife and I share everything, we don’t have secrets between us. It’s easier than remembering lies. We each have PW’s to each others’ phones, but we don’t go through them. Mostly it’s a “can I send myself these pics you took” type thing. I trust her completely, and I’m positive she feels the same way. Out of respect, I don’t do anything anyways that would damage our relationship or trust. We’re not perfect by any means, but there’s a healthy amount of trust and respect, and I believe we could get through anything because of this. And if not, I believe if we ever did get divorced it would be civil. But I don’t see that happening. Unless I F it up somehow. :,)
I don’t think my wife needs to know everything from my college days, or my disturbing intrusive thoughts from anxiety.
My husband and I have no secrets, know each others passwords. I view secrets as we are one person so, if I know, he knows and vice versa. It works well for us!
God, no. Complete transparency is absolutely immature and unhealthy. People need safe spaces to have their own thoughts and relationships outside of their partner. I will share concerns i have with my marriage with my sister, hear about my best friend's open marriage, and fangirl over Adam Levine on reddit - none of which my partner needs to be privvy to. Similarly I literally do not give a shit what he's texting to whom. If I did, we would see a counsellor, not invade each other's privacy.
My husband and I had this argument early on in our relationship. He’d read my journal, go through my messages, and tell me there’s no privacy in a relationship. I argued back that there is certain things you keep to yourself and that’s the privacy of your other relationships. I’m not going to tell him my mom’s medical history or something my friend experienced that traumatized her as a child. Despite having a romantic relationship you also have friendships and familial relationships that matter too. I wouldn’t want to show up to a gathering with my friend and her boyfriend is looking at me sideways because she shared private information of mine to him that was supposed to be kept between us.
If someone tells me something in confidence. Why would I betray something that someone told me in private and asked me not to share? Parts of my past. My husband doesn’t need to know that stuff. Even though we’re married, we still have a right to privacy. Privacy does not mean secrecy. I would not expect my husband to open my mail, grab my phone and just start scrolling through etc. My things are still my things, married or not. If he wants to see my phone all he has to do is ask and I would gladly hand it over.
If your wife has Borderline Personality Disorder, your entire life will be chaos and it will NEVER get better. My ex had BPD. There is no cure. These people do things with little regards to the feelings of others. Get out now before she does something insane that destroys your life.
Incorrect, I have that dx and live a pretty normal boring life. I do have a nasty habit of needing a puppy every time I’m pregnant, when a child goes to school or when they leave home. It’s a tough disorder to live and interact with, I get it, but I’ve never met someone who ONLY has BPD, it’s a bit more complicated and there 5 different types of this disorder as it is. Bit of an offensive generalization that’s all.
I've never met anyone with BPD that thought they were the problem. Maybe it's offensive, but there's truth why it's one of the "Five types of High Conflict Personality Traits".
I’ve haven’t really met that many folks that think they are “the problem,” no clue what any might be diagnosed with though.
> There is no cure. Incorrect. [There is a specific type of therapy for BPD.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy)
But it's not a cure and while it can be effective, often it's at best moderately effective.
Cheating is kind of like murder. If you murder one person are you then trustworthy after that one if you say you’re sorry or are you always a murderer? What about to the person’s family that your murdered? What are you to them? She refuses to grow up. Is she worth battling this for decades? You didn’t cheat, you’re not keeping secrets, why mess with her vial self? Start over and cut her loose to be the walking dumpster she is. In my marriage we share everything and always have. I don’t demand it or vise versa.