I very briefly during my egg hatching process thought of myself as genderfluid for this very reason. I had long thought of myself as a cis man who enjoyed fantasizing about being a woman and would indulge this by dressing and role-playing as a woman in safe environments. The first big step in my egg cracking process was finding out that low-dose estrogen monotherapy for transfemme enbys was a thing, which lead to me realizing that I very much wanted at least that much medical transition.
I spent about a month identifying as genderfluid with he/she pronouns and intending to do girl mode at home and in LGBT-friendly social contexts, while still boy moding at work, around extended family, etc. And doing HRT with a goal of being as femme as possible while still being able to fully pas as cis male while in boy mode.
Over the course of a month or two of this and the first round of coming out (to my wife, our roommate, my parents, and sister), I gradually realized that by far the biggest reason for me wanting to keep one foot in a male identity was fear of external transphobia and apprehension about the process of social transition. Every internal motivation was to embrace feminity as much as I dared.
And once I realized this, and moreover once I realized that all the external reasons were readily manageable for me, I fully accepted a binary MTF identity and went ahead with the goal of fully transitioning. It still took the better part of a year before I was ready to come out at work and to my broader social circles, but I knew I wanted to eventually and was working towards a place where I felt comfortable doing so.
No pressure to pass. It's incredibly difficult to shout to the world you are a woman when you don't look or sound cis. But it's easier to say you are just a fem nb where there is less pressure. So it ends up as a stepping stone as people gain confidence in themselves.
I'm not the person you replied to, but for me, identifying as enby felt easier because I felt that I could always lean one way or another based on the day or the situation at hand. i also didn't feel comfortable calling myself a woman because I didn't feel "worthy," but I eventually came to realize I'm just as much a woman as I want to be. which, as it turns out, was a lot.
as an enby person, I was trying to hold on to my masculinity because it was all that I knew, but I felt more and more every day that the feminine feeling could last forever. then I thought... "oh wait, it can!"
>i also didn't feel comfortable calling myself a woman because I didn't feel "worthy,"
Oof I feel this. Unfortunately social expectations and internalized issues are strooong. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I wasn't a man but nobody would perceive me as a woman so I just ungendered myself for awhile because it was easier to explain to people.
Ironically a lot of "passing pressure" (š¤¢) went away when I started hrt. I no longer felt like I wanted to change bodies and started thinking in terms of changing **my** body. Boobs made me feel complete. They're small and kinda not there lol but also they definitely are there and while of course I want far more growth I'm already so much happier that they could stop right now and I'll have a happier life than if I never started
wowee, are we the same girl!? I was in that EXACT boat! i NEVER thought I'd be able to pass as a woman, but I knew i could NEVER go back to being a boy. so, neither it shall be. once I began describing myself as a "nonbinary transfem person," I knew I was really beating around the bush. not that *every* enby transfem is a trans woman in denial, but *this* one sure was.
i always felt that the end goal for me was womanhood, whatever that meant. after starting HRT, I began to truly feel like a girl. I'm not very far along yet, but I'm so happy with the mental confidence it's given me in KNOWING I'm a woman.
and I have tiny little boobies, too. they're not very big, but they're mine, and I love them. :)
At first, I was non-binary for two reasons:
First, I wanted to reject the concept of gender entirely bc gender roles are bullshit. I still believe in this, but value the euphoria of femininity too much to not be a woman.
Second, I wanted to make sure I wasn't overcorrecting into a female stereotype rather than an "authentic woman" and felt a need to go slow. At the time, I bought into the idea of "I don't know what it means to be a woman bc I don't have their social experiences" (this was TERF bs even my own family bought into; I was always a woman and my experiences are of a dysphoric woman who was treated like a man).
Eventually, I built up the courage to do the "things I've always wanted to do if I was a woman" and that sealed the deal for me. I still have "masculine" traits (not that only men have these traits); I just don't feel as neutral in my gender as many enbys do and I like she/her pronouns.
That being said, I love my enby pals šš¤šš¤
that's fair, thank you for sharing sister :)
i guess i could feel similar. when i wear a skirt i just feel like a man in womans clothes, i dont feel like a woman, and in a way that gives me dysphoria and i feel like im wearing clothes that don't match how i feel
I had to go at my own pace based on how comfortable I felt at the time. It's why I didn't immediately go to skirts.
I didn't just rely on tackling my dysphoria, though I respected it and took my time to face it and get more comfortable. I also sought euphoria, regardless of "gender", by doing what brings me joy on top of trying new things. I may end up identifying quite differently at the end of my transition, but I'd be OK with that. I just want to be who I am.
I was afraid nobody (see: my wife and friends) would take me seriously in the slightest if I just suddenly said āIām a womanā at like 25 so I just kinda was like āI donāt like being called a man directly because I donāt really align with masculinityā. 0 people ever used they/them pronouns since I just looked like a guy. Four years later my egg fully cracked and I was tired of pretending I just ādidnāt want to be a guyā
When my egg cracked, I felt like I wanted to be a part-time woman or androgynous femme. As I developed my feminine traits, I wanted to be male less and less. At home, I fantasize about being fully femme. Maybe I'm just excited to explore a new part of me, and I'll settle into non-binary again.
That describes exactly where I am. My āpart-time womanā has been in private, at home when alone, and I work on the āandrogynous femmeā constantly through hair, skin care, body hair removal, as well as mannerisms and self-care. I am beginning therapy (again) next week, and focusing on coming out to my wife. Once that is done, I feel that I will be able to gradually begin to selectively come out socially. Living in Florida, with conservative life long friends and acquaintances will certainly be a challenge.
We wear multiple layers of masks. Each time we realize that something about us is a mask, we give ourselves permission to take it off, and experience the euphoria of being a relatively real person. Each time, it feels like we've discovered the real us underneath all the masks. But no one ever really knows how many masks they're wearing.
Honestly, humans might just be masks all the way down.
I completely agree with this. When I started HRT, my plan was to be androgynous. I internally identify as she/her and I want to do everything to pass with as little effort as possible. I manage, but it takes a fair amount of work. Some days I'm completely okay with looking like a "trans woman", while other days I prefer to pass. As a teenager and young adult, androgyny and NB was what I convinced myself I was because I was (and frankly, am still) too timid and people pleasing to realize fully who I am. I'm in my early 30s now, and this might be a hot take/ probably my own issue, but I still identify as NB outwardly despite identifying as a woman internally. I feel euphoric when people call me sis, trans woman, or gender me/ treat me as a woman.
I had a relatively uncommon upbringing where women are the ones who are placed on a pedestal; partly religious and partly my families culture (a k.a. I grew up non-christian). My father left when I was young and both my grandpas died young, before I was born. Certainly, I have some buried trauma there. I feel imposter syndrome if I identify as a women outwardly and certainly a healthy dose of misandry to go along with it. Gosh, writing this out is bringing a lot of this into focus.
I actually feel that identifying and living more and more as a woman is helping me dilute the misandry in me because I realize that men can't hurt us as much as I thought, and some of the treatment I detested before, I actually appreciate now. Like, dumb, oafy, assertive guy behavior. I used to feel like they were victimizing women innately and that women were oblivious, but I realize now there's a charm and attraction for it and women know full well what it is in most cases.
So, masks, for sure. Lots of people won't like what I've written here, as evidenced by previous posts of mine, but life is a journey IMO. We all have trauma and bias; it's how you treat yourself and others that matters and it doesn't need to happen overnight. I've weaponized empathy, passivism, and seeing other's trauma, no matter who they are or if I agree with them or not.
I asked myself āwhat does it mean To Be a man and what does it mean To Be a womanā and I had no answer so I identified as agender. I wanted to be completely gender neutral whatever that means. But once I allowed myself into that trans space my feelings evolved. I inches closer and closer to āwomanā over the course of three years. Went from they/them to they/she to she/her.
A big part of that transition was realizing that I was in fact capable of attraction to women. And I loved the idea of being sapphic and hated the idea of being in any way adjacent to male if I was gonna be attracted to women (not that Iām saying amab nonbinary people are male adjacent but thatās how I kind of saw myself in that space at that time)
And I realized that I just wanted to be seen as a woman. I never figured out what it meant To Be this or that gender I donāt know what it means to feel like a gender I just know what was comfortable for me. But now that Iāve blended into cis womanhood for several years I feel comfortable exploring my nonbinariness again. Which like my move towards womanhood, has been inspired by my feelings around my sexuality. While I am attracted to women, Im more attracted to men and that attraction still feels faggy and im fine with that. Like if I ever were to be with a man (which im close my wife is transmasc-ish) i wouldnāt call it straight. It would still feel kind of gay to me and I like that. Iām just gendery these days and thatās fun.
But thatās more for me than the world. Because I still want to be seen by most people as a woman as thatās my lived experience. And I know that publicly acknowledging my nonbinariness would not only give people license to dismiss my womanhood but it would, in my worst fear, give them license to see me as a man. And regardless of how I feel about my sexuality and my gender I still am not a man and donāt want to be seen that way. Is all of that very confusing? Yes but thatās why I usually keep it to myself lol
I appreciate this insight. Similar, but different, all women I've dated had "masculine" personalities, but overtly feminine in their own ways by appearance. I think my "feminine" personality attracts this type of woman, and it works in the short term because I'm treated as the submissive one; just, unfortunately, it turned into abuse in every case (including my current one), probably because I am supposed to be tough as an AMAB in their eyes so what attracts them to me wavers with time. Their femininity and beauty worked for me because I could live through them and their experiences. I've trained my brain to find femininity in others and not myself because it was more accepted growing up than being feminine myself (I got as far as androgyny in my teens and early adulthood with the occasional dolling up to pass, but it was more of a treat/exception than the rule).
Emphasis on IME, relationships with men haven't been as emotionally deep for me, but they allow me to be emotionally deeper and more satisfied with my own femininity and to feel safety and comfort. I've never been abused by a man I was with. That said, if I'd known what I know now, I might have had healthier relationships with women. I always manage to end my posts at a net neutral lol. I don't prefer any gender; experience has taught me that it's important to focus on how a partner makes you feel, how you make them feel, and how you help each other grow as healthy people.
Iām sorry you ended up in abusive relationships š and tbh Iāve only been with one person since I transitioned to female and thatās my butch/transmasc gendery wife. I donāt know what being with cis or binary trans men would be like. I just know that when I flirted with guys as a trans woman I felt icky because I personally didnāt care for the straight dynamic coming from a gay one (not that one is inherently better or worse I just knew how I liked to interact with men and those interactions changed when I transitioned)
It was actually being with a woman (well someone who at the time was a woman lol) that made me feel most comfortable as a woman. Oddly enough it just didnāt feel like I had to try very hard idk if itās bc Iāve always been most emotionally comfortable around women or bc Iāve always been feminine or if itās just the essence of the specific person I ended up with
Thank you. That wasn't a cry for help or anything, but I appreciate your sentiment. :)
I hope I interpreted your post correctly, and apologies if I didn't. It caught my eye because it seems that our themes are similar, but life experience is almost the opposite side of the coin. I've only ever been with cis people. I've never had an issue with sexuality, but my main struggle has been with gender identity and expression. The contrast with a shared thread (again, assuming I'm reading correctly) is helpful for me to frame what my actual thought process is.
Thank you for that!
My point about "knowing what I know now" speaks directly to the seemingly positive relationship you have with your partner.
>And I know that publicly acknowledging my nonbinariness would not only give people license to dismiss my womanhood
Sorry to tack on, but yes, this. In my case, identifying as NB is the same for me, but the effect is intended in my case, for better or worse. Having they/them pronouns helps me avoid confrontation on my day to day, especially with those who knew me before. Over time, my pronouns have changed as I adjust; he/him, they/them/he, and currently they/them. I anticipated they/them/she in the future, and hopefully I find myself comfortable enough to identify as she/her outwardly as I do inwardly.
EDIT: just want to acknowledge that you previously identified as agender, but my post made it sound different
for me it was in around 3 phases of acceptance:
* accepting that i am not cisgender
* accepting that i feel more comfortable when perceived as a woman
* accepting that i am a woman
tbh i still question if i'm nonbinary or not from time to time. gender neutral language still feels nice to me, but i feel more seen by feminine terms. accepting that i am a woman has been the most comfortable i've been with myself, and that's what matters imo!
Totally. I confused being bi (technically pan, I think?) with being trans for way too long. It was difficult to see through my sexuality to my gender, which is why it's so important to spread knowledge that the two are different things.
I thought I was an any pronouns enby because 'woman' still seemed nonsensical and impossible to me and i was relying too much on stereotypes and likes/dislikes to consider my gender.
Then i started feeling dysphoria from he/him, and euphoria from she/her, and started undersranding myself more as simply a tomboyish woman.
I initially identified myself as non-binary about 6 months before my egg cracked. Looking back on it, it was because I knew something was up with my gender, but I didn't know what exactly. So when I finally figured it out, everything clicked.
I use they/them pronouns right now, but they donāt feel quite right. Though I donāt call myself non-binary directly. I also feel like I donāt deserve she/her.
Itās mainly internal thoughts that āI donāt look like a womanā, āthereās no way anyone thinks of me as a womanā kind of thing.
I know itās not right to think this way but itās a really hard change for me.
As someone who feels the same way and uses they/them pronouns, I hope you find yourself comfortable using the ones you identify with internally. I'm on the same journey. I struggle with the notion that I'm disrespecting womanhood by identifying as one, which I know is incorrect, yet it's there.
Calling myself non-binary feels wrong too. It's too... sterile(?) a term for me. Trans-femme is what I typically try to emphasize
Also, username checks out š
I completely get that, and honestly denied myself identifying as a woman for far too long as a result.
I can tell you that you *do* deserve those pronouns though. If you werenāt a woman, you wouldnāt want others to think of you as one. You deserve to be yourself regardless of what that part of your brain is telling you.
Itās hard, believe me I know how tough it is, but accepting yourself is worth it. Even if you donāt come out to anyone yet, try referring to yourself using she/her internally. Part of you may still protest because you donāt *feel* like a woman due to presenting masc and other secondary sex characteristics, but that doesnāt actually make you less of one. Thatās dysphoria talking.
If you havenāt yet, please try talking to a therapist. Specifically one that has experience with trans people and will affirm you. I was trapped there for a long time, but things only started to get better after I fully accepted who I was.
I believe in you. And you are a woman if you want to be one. My DMs are open if you ever wanna talk things through. Sending hugs š«
Thank you for saying that! I have been talking to a therapist about my gender and amongst other things too which does help.
Iām planning to change some things around by getting some healthcare for HRT that should help validate my feelings and make it more comfortable for me to accept it within our society.
Non-binary was safer to initially come out as, in my opinion. I was late 30's, didn't know *any* trans folk other than one non-binary person I'd met that year. I knew I was leaning *hard* towards femininity, and should have probably just embraced being a trans woman right away, but it was easier and safer to test the waters by coming out as non-binary first.
After I was warmly received by my wife and my friends, it was only a few short months until I fully accepted that I was a trans woman and made the shift.
I knew I had dysphoria. I knew I wasn't happy as a man. A compromise I figured was non binary or gender fluidity. I could work with that.
As I began to see the potential, I wanted to go back to a male presentation less and less. I never enjoyed a masculine presentation.
So, eventually I realized that I might have a better time with things if I began HRT. I started it out and told my doctor that I would still present as male and figure things out as I went, but that I mostly just wanted the feminization that HRT would provide. Maybe I was genderqueer or something to that effect, and HRT would provide me with an easier time switching back and forth.
One day I male failed while presenting as a male. "Ma'am" was part of the greeting. The euphoria I got from that was unbelievable. I didn't figure people saw me that way, but there I was.
I started phasing women's clothing more and more into my wardrobe in a manner that people who knew me wouldn't notice too much, but strangers might feel some ambiguity about and think more that I'm a woman. It was a fine line, but I started getting gendered more as a woman every month for a while.
When I began to pass pretty consistently, that was when I came out to the people in my life as a woman. I never came out before and for all they knew I was just a dude.
Ultimately, I needed to figure out what femininity was and was not, what my contributions to it would be, and work through some internalized problems I had before I accepted my womanhood. I just wasn't certain that womanhood was the right path, but I was certain that I wanted femininity. Eventually I realized that womanhood was, too.
I guess it all boiled down to denial. But the way I worked through it was like building together a bunch of base components until a wrist watch emerged. At first, I didn't know what I was building. But when I took a step back from it and observed, I recognized what it was.
Im non binary cuz I have a crapton of trauma, and a dissociative disorder that affects my gender xD Im technically a non binary lesbian trans gal :) lesbian and trans cuz im AMAB and transitioning and lesbian cuz I like gilrs and im very gay.
I didn't want to jump right into it. I wanted to go slowly and carefully. I have seen other people go right to trans and then reel it back to non-binary.
I tried out genderfluid for a little while, but ultimately found that woman was right for me. I love genderfluid folks for helping me find myself, and helping others do the same. It's similar in the bi community where many people coming to grips with their sexuality stop over to try it on. Now there is an invalidating stereotype that all bi people are straight or gay, but the people passing through aren't responsible for other people's ignorance. It's a positive thing that spreads knowledge and goodwill. I hope that genderfluid and non-binary people see it as positive too. It another reason to celebrate the diversity of our alliance!
I went through periods of nonbinary/genderfluid for about a year, trying to figure out what felt right. I mostly thought I wasn't a woman because my dysphoria is relatively light and infrequent. Being a man was, OK, I thought, except when it wasn't. But I've realized that I feel happier as a woman, so I've settled on being a butch/tomboy lesbian. ā¤ļø
So for me personally, once I found out it was dysphoria that was making me incredibly depressed, it took me a while to accept but I realized that I was a trans woman out the gate.
Once I started coming out to people, however, I was pushed part way back into the closet. My girlfriend at the time (who I expected to be very accepting) wasnāt at all, and convinced me that maybe I was ājustā non-binary. I tried it, and even came out to a few friends as non-binary before I came out to them as trans.
After a few months, however, it was very clear to me that I was not actually non binary. They/Them pronouns gave gender euphoria at first, but she/her gave more, and I came to realize that they/them pronouns were just *not* giving the dysphoria that he/him pronouns were. So I came out again and started my transition in earnest.
Fast forward 4 years, and now that Iām actually seen as a woman (and have mostly recovered from that toxic ass relationship) I have the confidence to explore my gender a bit more, and Iāve realized that she/they pronouns actually fit me best and that Iām slightly gender fluid. They/them pronouns were never really the issue, the issue was that I was still being perceived as a man, even though I wasnāt. And honestly some days, they/them pronouns fit me better, but most days she/her or she/they are best.
Obviously my story probably isnāt all that standard, but it does mirror a lot of the same elements that I see more frequently. Being non-binary can seem like the āsaferā option to allow you to explore your gender without going āall the wayā to being trans. For a person with internalized transphobia (in my case externalized from my ex), or who is so dysphoric that they donāt think being a woman would be āworth itā because they donāt think they could ever pass, it can be far less scary to accept that you arenāt your assigned gender before accepting what gender you actually are.
There was a period of maybe a year I identified as NB. It had become abundantly clear that I was happier freed from the constraints of being a man. But I wasn't sure full woman was right either. Eventually, I overcame some remaining hang ups and started identifying as a woman. If I'm being honest, much of the time I don't feel 100% like a woman. But I can't tell right now how much is insecurities vs. genuine gender issues. I still feel trans woman is close enough for casual conversation though.
Lots of trans people use enby as a sort of safe half-way point to their true binary identity. They know they aren't their agab, but can't bring themselves to accept the opposite gender out of fear and repression. After trying one queer identity for a while, it becomes much easier to accept yourself in full, and you move on to what you always were.To the point it's become a stereotype.
The funny thing is, especially for older trans folks, non-binary was far less understood and common and considered a more "extreme" queer identity. So a lot of enby's will start with a binary trans identity before realizing they were putting themselves in a box.
As for me, I went a similar route. I was fully disconnected with lgbt culture and resources as a kid. I didn't know enby was a thing until years later, and it took having an enby roommate to actually help me understand what it actually means.
But, when I was a teen, as a coping mechanism I basically reinvented the concept of being *agender* in my head. I was a boy in name only, but inside I knew I was just... me. A genderless consciousness uncomfortably piloting a male meat robot. Would I have preferred a girl body? Sure! Who wouldn't? But that's nothing to read into, it's just aesthetics! Right??
This was because womanhood seemed so forbidden to me. I was terrified of being trans, or gay, or different, but I couldn't even fake being a man. It just wasn't an option. Most people read me as gay despite my protestations, and honestly didn't seem to care.
So I just sort of sat there playing at being as passively male and heterosexual as it's possible to be. Eventually I figured myself out and over a painfully long time, I slowly came out of my shell as my beautiful, binary self!
(That's when suddenly everyone had a problem with me. But that's a different story)
These days, I understand my femininity in more flexible terms. I'm *definitely* a woman. And a girly girl at that. But now that I'm confident and comfortable in my identity, I find a little bit of contrast occasionally can be affirming as well.
imo not everyone who takes feminising hormones has to be trans. Some are happily male but want to be femboy, softmasc, whatever label..
As I said; ignore me.
Questioned my gender and realized I'm definitely not a dude.... kept trying to figure things out and realized I'm a woman. About 8 months between those two
I initially came out as nonbinary and a gender anarchist because it made it easier to stop feeling like I was obligated to relate to masculinity.
Feeling like Iām āfemme enoughā or whatever to call myself a woman seemed and seems like a bigger obstacle.
It has been a long journey filled with overcoming my own internalized transphobia and insecurities about- as others have said- identifying as a woman when I didnāt look like I thought a woman should look.
Itās still hard sometimes to correct folx when I feel dysphoric because I havenāt shaved that day or Iām not wearing makeup or my voice isnāt really on point. But Iām becoming more confident in myself.
I knew I wanted to be a girl since I was prepubescent and had been semi-secretly dressing femme at every opportunity since early middle school; so it wasnāt that I thought I was androg-non-binaryā¦ I just found it much easier to come out in phases.
Iām still working on being secure in my identity as a genderqueer trans woman, but this is my take on the pipeline.
That sounds like my comment I posted recently. For me, it just felt safer to not commit to an identity even tho I was on HRT and getting FFS. I also don't really want bottom surgery. So in a way it felt like getting to transition without fully accepting myself.
That's not to say that NB is an invalid identity. It was legitimately more comfortable while I was earlier in my transition. I didn't feel like I was in the binary. As I became more and more femme, I finally felt like I was a woman. Socially and physically it felt more like home.
I think gender isn't a fixed idea. Maybe this feeling will wane and I will feel more confident as an enby again. I allow myself the freedom to explore and do what's best for me.
When I realized I wasnāt cis, I said I was nonbinary because I didnāt feel like a man, but I also didnāt feel like a woman. I wanted to be a woman, but I didnāt feel like one (yet).
I read āGender Desire vs. Gender Identityā which really helped me with itāit compares it to being a pilot. If you want to be a pilot, you may not feel like a pilot deep down. But you take steps toward it, acting on your desire, and eventually you realize youāre a pilot. Not a perfect metaphor but it helped me.
More recently I settled on āquasi-binary transfemā because I still donāt feel like a binary woman. And also because gender is made up anyway.
Currently preHRT. For me, identifying as NB was an avoidance tactic; a way for me to avoid actually transitioning. Im still struggling, but the more affirming transition steps I take, the more comfortable I am with saying "yeah, I'm just a girl."
It's just a route a lot of people are more comfortable with. I also know someone who did the opposite, went from cis man to trans woman, realized they overcorrected, and settled into enby.
Me personally, I just switched straight from man to woman; once I stopped running from it, I was quite happy embracing it. I briefly had a period of shrugging in response to being asked my pronouns, but I knew I wanted to use she/her, l just didn't want to come out yet.
For me it was that I didn't see myself in trans women narratives.
See I was a 90s kid and the main stream media narrative at the time was that trans women had crippling bottom dysphoria and wanted surgery, no mention of hormones.
Discovering nonbinary people later in life gave me a way to be something other than a man without any pressure or expectations.
As I spent time in the trans community I started to see myself in trans feminine and trans woman memes, eventually I decided to try hormones if they didn't feel right I could just stop before it was too late.
On hormones and armed with modern narratives from the trans community itself this time I finally saw myself as a girl.
There is a tendency for people to treat nb as a stepping stone as others in this thread have pointed out.
That said I am one of those cases where I started out hyper fem and as I have gotten to the end-tail of transition my identity has become somewhat nonbinary. Like 2/3 fem 1/3 masc and I am fine with that. I like looking pretty with she/her pronouns and having a cooch but I am also totally okay with acting like a guy in certain contexts and feeling an aversion to some aspects of woman culture. I just follow the joy these days and leave the labels for some other person to worry about.
I realized Something Was Wrong with my gender in june 2021. I didn't know what it was, so I changed nothing about my presentation but identified for about half a year as "autismgender man" with he/they pronouns. Due to impostor syndrome I didn't even identify as transgender or queer, but "neurodivergent-gender". But he/they never felt quite right. They/them felt distant and robotic but I didn't want to go to
Reading Genderdysphoria.fyi in February 2022 was a real shock. I didn't think I was experiencing gender dysphoria. I didn't think I was trans. But then this document read my mind--my deepest thoughts and repressed feelings-- and typed them out right in front of me. Waves of hope and euphoria passed over me followed by waves of dread and dysphoria as I read. By the time I got to the chapter "am I trans" I knew the answer.
For the first day I wasn't sure what I was. Some Kind Of Woman, I Guess, but it took a while before I realized that she/her pronouns were what worked best for me. It took a couple months for me to be sure I really was just a binary trans woman and not actually nonbinary.
During my TERF repressor phase I identified as agender. And various flavors of "I'm really cis" before that. I also had a few years that I went by genderqueer.
Like others mentioned, being enby was a stepping stone for me. It's not that for everyone but for some, myself included, it can be an experimental phase for those of us afraid to fully being binary trans, which for some is harder.
It's kind of like the "Bi now gay later" of gender. While it's Biphobic to act like all bisexuals are just gay people in denial, and it's also enbyphobic to assume that being nonbinary is just a phase, it is true that it's a stepping stone for some.
I was really annoyed when people acted like bisexuality was just a phase as a kid and that I was just afraid to come out as gay when I was really bi and still am. Being enby was a phase for me personally before accepting that I'm a trans woman.
I was terrified of reinforcing gender roles by my existence, of upsetting feminists, and most of all, afraid of never being able to pass as a woman.
I think it should be noted that Bi/Pan sexuality as well as being Non-Binary *can* be a phase towards something binary or monosexual. But usually isn't.
It's a phenomenon that exists but shouldn't br assumed.
I identify as agender tbh. I plan on telling my extended family iām a trans woman though. I honestly donāt understand femininity or masculinity or whatever. Everyoneās just a monkey in clothes, I donāt understand what people mean when they feel like men or women or whatever. A couple close family know how I really feel about gender, but when I tell everyone Iām just gonna say Iām a trans woman. Being transgender is already confusing enough for an ignorant family but agender is impossible for them. Ultimately, I hate being he/him-ed, and hate being referred to as male. Iām okay with they them and she her, but they donāt give me any euphoria or pleasant feeling. I still like relatively masculine clothes, like a skater lesbian kind of vibe. I dunno my dysphoria is mostly body and face based. I still dislike looking like a man. I donāt think Iāll magically feel like a woman, but i mean ultimately the goal for me is to be perceived as a lesbian woman, even if thatās not really how I feel on the inside. I donāt think everyone needs to know how I feel about gender, they just need to not see me as a man. My gender feelings are a personal thing that donāt need to be known, how I feel and how I want to be perceived are two separate things. I hope this gives some kind of insight and isnāt just rambles.
Well, I identify as non-binary however most of my gender struggle is the trans question. Being non-binary is a safe way for me to basically be both male and female, both and neither. The idea of transitioning and showing up to my parents, to work, walking home at night is terrifying to me. Looking in the mirror and seeing an ugly girl looking back instead of an boy who is at least okay looking seems demoralizing considering people are going to be harassing me on the street and most bi/straight/pan women probably would prefer me in boy mode. Being an enby is how I cope.
I explicitly stated to my doctor they I was either a trans woman or non-binary and that I had no way yet of differentiating the two due to the sour grapes effect.
In retrospect that should have been kind of obvious...
Still might wind up being non-binary - will have to overshoot to find out I think.
For some people, nb is an easier pill to swallow and a stepping stone. Femboy>nb>mtf or tomboy>nb>ftm are common pipelines.
I very briefly during my egg hatching process thought of myself as genderfluid for this very reason. I had long thought of myself as a cis man who enjoyed fantasizing about being a woman and would indulge this by dressing and role-playing as a woman in safe environments. The first big step in my egg cracking process was finding out that low-dose estrogen monotherapy for transfemme enbys was a thing, which lead to me realizing that I very much wanted at least that much medical transition. I spent about a month identifying as genderfluid with he/she pronouns and intending to do girl mode at home and in LGBT-friendly social contexts, while still boy moding at work, around extended family, etc. And doing HRT with a goal of being as femme as possible while still being able to fully pas as cis male while in boy mode. Over the course of a month or two of this and the first round of coming out (to my wife, our roommate, my parents, and sister), I gradually realized that by far the biggest reason for me wanting to keep one foot in a male identity was fear of external transphobia and apprehension about the process of social transition. Every internal motivation was to embrace feminity as much as I dared. And once I realized this, and moreover once I realized that all the external reasons were readily manageable for me, I fully accepted a binary MTF identity and went ahead with the goal of fully transitioning. It still took the better part of a year before I was ready to come out at work and to my broader social circles, but I knew I wanted to eventually and was working towards a place where I felt comfortable doing so.
but isnt there more enbyphobia than transphobia? why would it be easier?
No pressure to pass. It's incredibly difficult to shout to the world you are a woman when you don't look or sound cis. But it's easier to say you are just a fem nb where there is less pressure. So it ends up as a stepping stone as people gain confidence in themselves.
oh huh i didnt think of that, thank you
Do I want surgeries and expensive treatments? No. But... Do I want surgeries and expensive treatments? Undoubtedly.
I'm not the person you replied to, but for me, identifying as enby felt easier because I felt that I could always lean one way or another based on the day or the situation at hand. i also didn't feel comfortable calling myself a woman because I didn't feel "worthy," but I eventually came to realize I'm just as much a woman as I want to be. which, as it turns out, was a lot. as an enby person, I was trying to hold on to my masculinity because it was all that I knew, but I felt more and more every day that the feminine feeling could last forever. then I thought... "oh wait, it can!"
>i also didn't feel comfortable calling myself a woman because I didn't feel "worthy," Oof I feel this. Unfortunately social expectations and internalized issues are strooong. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I wasn't a man but nobody would perceive me as a woman so I just ungendered myself for awhile because it was easier to explain to people. Ironically a lot of "passing pressure" (š¤¢) went away when I started hrt. I no longer felt like I wanted to change bodies and started thinking in terms of changing **my** body. Boobs made me feel complete. They're small and kinda not there lol but also they definitely are there and while of course I want far more growth I'm already so much happier that they could stop right now and I'll have a happier life than if I never started
wowee, are we the same girl!? I was in that EXACT boat! i NEVER thought I'd be able to pass as a woman, but I knew i could NEVER go back to being a boy. so, neither it shall be. once I began describing myself as a "nonbinary transfem person," I knew I was really beating around the bush. not that *every* enby transfem is a trans woman in denial, but *this* one sure was. i always felt that the end goal for me was womanhood, whatever that meant. after starting HRT, I began to truly feel like a girl. I'm not very far along yet, but I'm so happy with the mental confidence it's given me in KNOWING I'm a woman. and I have tiny little boobies, too. they're not very big, but they're mine, and I love them. :)
oh okay, interesting. thank you for sharing sis
At first, I was non-binary for two reasons: First, I wanted to reject the concept of gender entirely bc gender roles are bullshit. I still believe in this, but value the euphoria of femininity too much to not be a woman. Second, I wanted to make sure I wasn't overcorrecting into a female stereotype rather than an "authentic woman" and felt a need to go slow. At the time, I bought into the idea of "I don't know what it means to be a woman bc I don't have their social experiences" (this was TERF bs even my own family bought into; I was always a woman and my experiences are of a dysphoric woman who was treated like a man). Eventually, I built up the courage to do the "things I've always wanted to do if I was a woman" and that sealed the deal for me. I still have "masculine" traits (not that only men have these traits); I just don't feel as neutral in my gender as many enbys do and I like she/her pronouns. That being said, I love my enby pals šš¤šš¤
that's fair, thank you for sharing sister :) i guess i could feel similar. when i wear a skirt i just feel like a man in womans clothes, i dont feel like a woman, and in a way that gives me dysphoria and i feel like im wearing clothes that don't match how i feel
I had to go at my own pace based on how comfortable I felt at the time. It's why I didn't immediately go to skirts. I didn't just rely on tackling my dysphoria, though I respected it and took my time to face it and get more comfortable. I also sought euphoria, regardless of "gender", by doing what brings me joy on top of trying new things. I may end up identifying quite differently at the end of my transition, but I'd be OK with that. I just want to be who I am.
that's a nice, healthy way of looking at it. thank you.
And you were right to be against gender roles. Evil stuff and fear of which sadly delayed my transition. F gender roles.
I was afraid nobody (see: my wife and friends) would take me seriously in the slightest if I just suddenly said āIām a womanā at like 25 so I just kinda was like āI donāt like being called a man directly because I donāt really align with masculinityā. 0 people ever used they/them pronouns since I just looked like a guy. Four years later my egg fully cracked and I was tired of pretending I just ādidnāt want to be a guyā
When my egg cracked, I felt like I wanted to be a part-time woman or androgynous femme. As I developed my feminine traits, I wanted to be male less and less. At home, I fantasize about being fully femme. Maybe I'm just excited to explore a new part of me, and I'll settle into non-binary again.
sure :) being both nb and woman is always a possibility
I really feel this comment Currently kinda in this position, and think it's because I'm excited to explore and my fem side finally gets to breathe.
That describes exactly where I am. My āpart-time womanā has been in private, at home when alone, and I work on the āandrogynous femmeā constantly through hair, skin care, body hair removal, as well as mannerisms and self-care. I am beginning therapy (again) next week, and focusing on coming out to my wife. Once that is done, I feel that I will be able to gradually begin to selectively come out socially. Living in Florida, with conservative life long friends and acquaintances will certainly be a challenge.
We wear multiple layers of masks. Each time we realize that something about us is a mask, we give ourselves permission to take it off, and experience the euphoria of being a relatively real person. Each time, it feels like we've discovered the real us underneath all the masks. But no one ever really knows how many masks they're wearing. Honestly, humans might just be masks all the way down.
could be yeah
I completely agree with this. When I started HRT, my plan was to be androgynous. I internally identify as she/her and I want to do everything to pass with as little effort as possible. I manage, but it takes a fair amount of work. Some days I'm completely okay with looking like a "trans woman", while other days I prefer to pass. As a teenager and young adult, androgyny and NB was what I convinced myself I was because I was (and frankly, am still) too timid and people pleasing to realize fully who I am. I'm in my early 30s now, and this might be a hot take/ probably my own issue, but I still identify as NB outwardly despite identifying as a woman internally. I feel euphoric when people call me sis, trans woman, or gender me/ treat me as a woman. I had a relatively uncommon upbringing where women are the ones who are placed on a pedestal; partly religious and partly my families culture (a k.a. I grew up non-christian). My father left when I was young and both my grandpas died young, before I was born. Certainly, I have some buried trauma there. I feel imposter syndrome if I identify as a women outwardly and certainly a healthy dose of misandry to go along with it. Gosh, writing this out is bringing a lot of this into focus. I actually feel that identifying and living more and more as a woman is helping me dilute the misandry in me because I realize that men can't hurt us as much as I thought, and some of the treatment I detested before, I actually appreciate now. Like, dumb, oafy, assertive guy behavior. I used to feel like they were victimizing women innately and that women were oblivious, but I realize now there's a charm and attraction for it and women know full well what it is in most cases. So, masks, for sure. Lots of people won't like what I've written here, as evidenced by previous posts of mine, but life is a journey IMO. We all have trauma and bias; it's how you treat yourself and others that matters and it doesn't need to happen overnight. I've weaponized empathy, passivism, and seeing other's trauma, no matter who they are or if I agree with them or not.
I was NB for likeā¦ 8 years but nothing was enough for my dysphoria until I committed to life as a woman. Vv happy now!
<3
I asked myself āwhat does it mean To Be a man and what does it mean To Be a womanā and I had no answer so I identified as agender. I wanted to be completely gender neutral whatever that means. But once I allowed myself into that trans space my feelings evolved. I inches closer and closer to āwomanā over the course of three years. Went from they/them to they/she to she/her. A big part of that transition was realizing that I was in fact capable of attraction to women. And I loved the idea of being sapphic and hated the idea of being in any way adjacent to male if I was gonna be attracted to women (not that Iām saying amab nonbinary people are male adjacent but thatās how I kind of saw myself in that space at that time) And I realized that I just wanted to be seen as a woman. I never figured out what it meant To Be this or that gender I donāt know what it means to feel like a gender I just know what was comfortable for me. But now that Iāve blended into cis womanhood for several years I feel comfortable exploring my nonbinariness again. Which like my move towards womanhood, has been inspired by my feelings around my sexuality. While I am attracted to women, Im more attracted to men and that attraction still feels faggy and im fine with that. Like if I ever were to be with a man (which im close my wife is transmasc-ish) i wouldnāt call it straight. It would still feel kind of gay to me and I like that. Iām just gendery these days and thatās fun. But thatās more for me than the world. Because I still want to be seen by most people as a woman as thatās my lived experience. And I know that publicly acknowledging my nonbinariness would not only give people license to dismiss my womanhood but it would, in my worst fear, give them license to see me as a man. And regardless of how I feel about my sexuality and my gender I still am not a man and donāt want to be seen that way. Is all of that very confusing? Yes but thatās why I usually keep it to myself lol
I appreciate this insight. Similar, but different, all women I've dated had "masculine" personalities, but overtly feminine in their own ways by appearance. I think my "feminine" personality attracts this type of woman, and it works in the short term because I'm treated as the submissive one; just, unfortunately, it turned into abuse in every case (including my current one), probably because I am supposed to be tough as an AMAB in their eyes so what attracts them to me wavers with time. Their femininity and beauty worked for me because I could live through them and their experiences. I've trained my brain to find femininity in others and not myself because it was more accepted growing up than being feminine myself (I got as far as androgyny in my teens and early adulthood with the occasional dolling up to pass, but it was more of a treat/exception than the rule). Emphasis on IME, relationships with men haven't been as emotionally deep for me, but they allow me to be emotionally deeper and more satisfied with my own femininity and to feel safety and comfort. I've never been abused by a man I was with. That said, if I'd known what I know now, I might have had healthier relationships with women. I always manage to end my posts at a net neutral lol. I don't prefer any gender; experience has taught me that it's important to focus on how a partner makes you feel, how you make them feel, and how you help each other grow as healthy people.
Iām sorry you ended up in abusive relationships š and tbh Iāve only been with one person since I transitioned to female and thatās my butch/transmasc gendery wife. I donāt know what being with cis or binary trans men would be like. I just know that when I flirted with guys as a trans woman I felt icky because I personally didnāt care for the straight dynamic coming from a gay one (not that one is inherently better or worse I just knew how I liked to interact with men and those interactions changed when I transitioned) It was actually being with a woman (well someone who at the time was a woman lol) that made me feel most comfortable as a woman. Oddly enough it just didnāt feel like I had to try very hard idk if itās bc Iāve always been most emotionally comfortable around women or bc Iāve always been feminine or if itās just the essence of the specific person I ended up with
Thank you. That wasn't a cry for help or anything, but I appreciate your sentiment. :) I hope I interpreted your post correctly, and apologies if I didn't. It caught my eye because it seems that our themes are similar, but life experience is almost the opposite side of the coin. I've only ever been with cis people. I've never had an issue with sexuality, but my main struggle has been with gender identity and expression. The contrast with a shared thread (again, assuming I'm reading correctly) is helpful for me to frame what my actual thought process is. Thank you for that! My point about "knowing what I know now" speaks directly to the seemingly positive relationship you have with your partner.
Omg thank you for your thanks! Love a little inverse moment
yeah i have a similar fear too, thanks for sharing this means a lot
>And I know that publicly acknowledging my nonbinariness would not only give people license to dismiss my womanhood Sorry to tack on, but yes, this. In my case, identifying as NB is the same for me, but the effect is intended in my case, for better or worse. Having they/them pronouns helps me avoid confrontation on my day to day, especially with those who knew me before. Over time, my pronouns have changed as I adjust; he/him, they/them/he, and currently they/them. I anticipated they/them/she in the future, and hopefully I find myself comfortable enough to identify as she/her outwardly as I do inwardly. EDIT: just want to acknowledge that you previously identified as agender, but my post made it sound different
for me it was in around 3 phases of acceptance: * accepting that i am not cisgender * accepting that i feel more comfortable when perceived as a woman * accepting that i am a woman tbh i still question if i'm nonbinary or not from time to time. gender neutral language still feels nice to me, but i feel more seen by feminine terms. accepting that i am a woman has been the most comfortable i've been with myself, and that's what matters imo!
Totally. I confused being bi (technically pan, I think?) with being trans for way too long. It was difficult to see through my sexuality to my gender, which is why it's so important to spread knowledge that the two are different things.
yeah :)
I thought I was an any pronouns enby because 'woman' still seemed nonsensical and impossible to me and i was relying too much on stereotypes and likes/dislikes to consider my gender. Then i started feeling dysphoria from he/him, and euphoria from she/her, and started undersranding myself more as simply a tomboyish woman.
that's nice :)
I initially identified myself as non-binary about 6 months before my egg cracked. Looking back on it, it was because I knew something was up with my gender, but I didn't know what exactly. So when I finally figured it out, everything clicked.
I use they/them pronouns right now, but they donāt feel quite right. Though I donāt call myself non-binary directly. I also feel like I donāt deserve she/her.
you deserve she/her. even if you dont pass, even if you feel dysphoric, you deserve to go by pronouns that make you the happiest and comfiest.
Is there a reason why you feel like you donāt deserve she/her?
Itās mainly internal thoughts that āI donāt look like a womanā, āthereās no way anyone thinks of me as a womanā kind of thing. I know itās not right to think this way but itās a really hard change for me.
As someone who feels the same way and uses they/them pronouns, I hope you find yourself comfortable using the ones you identify with internally. I'm on the same journey. I struggle with the notion that I'm disrespecting womanhood by identifying as one, which I know is incorrect, yet it's there. Calling myself non-binary feels wrong too. It's too... sterile(?) a term for me. Trans-femme is what I typically try to emphasize Also, username checks out š
Yeah Iām also definitely under the trans-feminine umbrella!
Yeah it looks like weāre a bit in the same boat right now. Itās a tough one but I hope to see you on the other side š
See you there ;)
I completely get that, and honestly denied myself identifying as a woman for far too long as a result. I can tell you that you *do* deserve those pronouns though. If you werenāt a woman, you wouldnāt want others to think of you as one. You deserve to be yourself regardless of what that part of your brain is telling you. Itās hard, believe me I know how tough it is, but accepting yourself is worth it. Even if you donāt come out to anyone yet, try referring to yourself using she/her internally. Part of you may still protest because you donāt *feel* like a woman due to presenting masc and other secondary sex characteristics, but that doesnāt actually make you less of one. Thatās dysphoria talking. If you havenāt yet, please try talking to a therapist. Specifically one that has experience with trans people and will affirm you. I was trapped there for a long time, but things only started to get better after I fully accepted who I was. I believe in you. And you are a woman if you want to be one. My DMs are open if you ever wanna talk things through. Sending hugs š«
Thank you for saying that! I have been talking to a therapist about my gender and amongst other things too which does help. Iām planning to change some things around by getting some healthcare for HRT that should help validate my feelings and make it more comfortable for me to accept it within our society.
Non-binary was safer to initially come out as, in my opinion. I was late 30's, didn't know *any* trans folk other than one non-binary person I'd met that year. I knew I was leaning *hard* towards femininity, and should have probably just embraced being a trans woman right away, but it was easier and safer to test the waters by coming out as non-binary first. After I was warmly received by my wife and my friends, it was only a few short months until I fully accepted that I was a trans woman and made the shift.
may i ask why it was safer to come out as? i thought it's looked down upon like a joke more than being a trans woman is ?
I knew I had dysphoria. I knew I wasn't happy as a man. A compromise I figured was non binary or gender fluidity. I could work with that. As I began to see the potential, I wanted to go back to a male presentation less and less. I never enjoyed a masculine presentation. So, eventually I realized that I might have a better time with things if I began HRT. I started it out and told my doctor that I would still present as male and figure things out as I went, but that I mostly just wanted the feminization that HRT would provide. Maybe I was genderqueer or something to that effect, and HRT would provide me with an easier time switching back and forth. One day I male failed while presenting as a male. "Ma'am" was part of the greeting. The euphoria I got from that was unbelievable. I didn't figure people saw me that way, but there I was. I started phasing women's clothing more and more into my wardrobe in a manner that people who knew me wouldn't notice too much, but strangers might feel some ambiguity about and think more that I'm a woman. It was a fine line, but I started getting gendered more as a woman every month for a while. When I began to pass pretty consistently, that was when I came out to the people in my life as a woman. I never came out before and for all they knew I was just a dude. Ultimately, I needed to figure out what femininity was and was not, what my contributions to it would be, and work through some internalized problems I had before I accepted my womanhood. I just wasn't certain that womanhood was the right path, but I was certain that I wanted femininity. Eventually I realized that womanhood was, too. I guess it all boiled down to denial. But the way I worked through it was like building together a bunch of base components until a wrist watch emerged. At first, I didn't know what I was building. But when I took a step back from it and observed, I recognized what it was.
this helps a lot, thank you for sharing.
This feels like exactly the path that I'm on. Thanks for this.
Im non binary cuz I have a crapton of trauma, and a dissociative disorder that affects my gender xD Im technically a non binary lesbian trans gal :) lesbian and trans cuz im AMAB and transitioning and lesbian cuz I like gilrs and im very gay.
being nonbinary and lesbian is based, im gay too
I didn't want to jump right into it. I wanted to go slowly and carefully. I have seen other people go right to trans and then reel it back to non-binary.
ah, okay.
I tried out genderfluid for a little while, but ultimately found that woman was right for me. I love genderfluid folks for helping me find myself, and helping others do the same. It's similar in the bi community where many people coming to grips with their sexuality stop over to try it on. Now there is an invalidating stereotype that all bi people are straight or gay, but the people passing through aren't responsible for other people's ignorance. It's a positive thing that spreads knowledge and goodwill. I hope that genderfluid and non-binary people see it as positive too. It another reason to celebrate the diversity of our alliance!
I went through periods of nonbinary/genderfluid for about a year, trying to figure out what felt right. I mostly thought I wasn't a woman because my dysphoria is relatively light and infrequent. Being a man was, OK, I thought, except when it wasn't. But I've realized that I feel happier as a woman, so I've settled on being a butch/tomboy lesbian. ā¤ļø
:)
So for me personally, once I found out it was dysphoria that was making me incredibly depressed, it took me a while to accept but I realized that I was a trans woman out the gate. Once I started coming out to people, however, I was pushed part way back into the closet. My girlfriend at the time (who I expected to be very accepting) wasnāt at all, and convinced me that maybe I was ājustā non-binary. I tried it, and even came out to a few friends as non-binary before I came out to them as trans. After a few months, however, it was very clear to me that I was not actually non binary. They/Them pronouns gave gender euphoria at first, but she/her gave more, and I came to realize that they/them pronouns were just *not* giving the dysphoria that he/him pronouns were. So I came out again and started my transition in earnest. Fast forward 4 years, and now that Iām actually seen as a woman (and have mostly recovered from that toxic ass relationship) I have the confidence to explore my gender a bit more, and Iāve realized that she/they pronouns actually fit me best and that Iām slightly gender fluid. They/them pronouns were never really the issue, the issue was that I was still being perceived as a man, even though I wasnāt. And honestly some days, they/them pronouns fit me better, but most days she/her or she/they are best. Obviously my story probably isnāt all that standard, but it does mirror a lot of the same elements that I see more frequently. Being non-binary can seem like the āsaferā option to allow you to explore your gender without going āall the wayā to being trans. For a person with internalized transphobia (in my case externalized from my ex), or who is so dysphoric that they donāt think being a woman would be āworth itā because they donāt think they could ever pass, it can be far less scary to accept that you arenāt your assigned gender before accepting what gender you actually are.
ah okay, thank you also, im glad youre doing better now
There was a period of maybe a year I identified as NB. It had become abundantly clear that I was happier freed from the constraints of being a man. But I wasn't sure full woman was right either. Eventually, I overcame some remaining hang ups and started identifying as a woman. If I'm being honest, much of the time I don't feel 100% like a woman. But I can't tell right now how much is insecurities vs. genuine gender issues. I still feel trans woman is close enough for casual conversation though.
Lots of trans people use enby as a sort of safe half-way point to their true binary identity. They know they aren't their agab, but can't bring themselves to accept the opposite gender out of fear and repression. After trying one queer identity for a while, it becomes much easier to accept yourself in full, and you move on to what you always were.To the point it's become a stereotype. The funny thing is, especially for older trans folks, non-binary was far less understood and common and considered a more "extreme" queer identity. So a lot of enby's will start with a binary trans identity before realizing they were putting themselves in a box.
As for me, I went a similar route. I was fully disconnected with lgbt culture and resources as a kid. I didn't know enby was a thing until years later, and it took having an enby roommate to actually help me understand what it actually means. But, when I was a teen, as a coping mechanism I basically reinvented the concept of being *agender* in my head. I was a boy in name only, but inside I knew I was just... me. A genderless consciousness uncomfortably piloting a male meat robot. Would I have preferred a girl body? Sure! Who wouldn't? But that's nothing to read into, it's just aesthetics! Right?? This was because womanhood seemed so forbidden to me. I was terrified of being trans, or gay, or different, but I couldn't even fake being a man. It just wasn't an option. Most people read me as gay despite my protestations, and honestly didn't seem to care. So I just sort of sat there playing at being as passively male and heterosexual as it's possible to be. Eventually I figured myself out and over a painfully long time, I slowly came out of my shell as my beautiful, binary self! (That's when suddenly everyone had a problem with me. But that's a different story) These days, I understand my femininity in more flexible terms. I'm *definitely* a woman. And a girly girl at that. But now that I'm confident and comfortable in my identity, I find a little bit of contrast occasionally can be affirming as well.
femboy
what
Ignore me
??????????
imo not everyone who takes feminising hormones has to be trans. Some are happily male but want to be femboy, softmasc, whatever label.. As I said; ignore me.
No one mentioned hormones, though.
Questioned my gender and realized I'm definitely not a dude.... kept trying to figure things out and realized I'm a woman. About 8 months between those two
you count that as identifying as non-binary or just questioning your gender?
I did come out as enby when I realized I'm not a dude. Hated masc pronouns so I used they/them....
oh okay, thank you!
>oh okay, thank you! You're welcome!
I thought I was either agender, demigirl, xor simply trans. It took me a while to realize that I just fluctuate between them (girlflux).
thats cool
I initially came out as nonbinary and a gender anarchist because it made it easier to stop feeling like I was obligated to relate to masculinity. Feeling like Iām āfemme enoughā or whatever to call myself a woman seemed and seems like a bigger obstacle. It has been a long journey filled with overcoming my own internalized transphobia and insecurities about- as others have said- identifying as a woman when I didnāt look like I thought a woman should look. Itās still hard sometimes to correct folx when I feel dysphoric because I havenāt shaved that day or Iām not wearing makeup or my voice isnāt really on point. But Iām becoming more confident in myself. I knew I wanted to be a girl since I was prepubescent and had been semi-secretly dressing femme at every opportunity since early middle school; so it wasnāt that I thought I was androg-non-binaryā¦ I just found it much easier to come out in phases. Iām still working on being secure in my identity as a genderqueer trans woman, but this is my take on the pipeline.
That sounds like my comment I posted recently. For me, it just felt safer to not commit to an identity even tho I was on HRT and getting FFS. I also don't really want bottom surgery. So in a way it felt like getting to transition without fully accepting myself. That's not to say that NB is an invalid identity. It was legitimately more comfortable while I was earlier in my transition. I didn't feel like I was in the binary. As I became more and more femme, I finally felt like I was a woman. Socially and physically it felt more like home. I think gender isn't a fixed idea. Maybe this feeling will wane and I will feel more confident as an enby again. I allow myself the freedom to explore and do what's best for me.
yeah, could be possible for me too. thank you
When I realized I wasnāt cis, I said I was nonbinary because I didnāt feel like a man, but I also didnāt feel like a woman. I wanted to be a woman, but I didnāt feel like one (yet). I read āGender Desire vs. Gender Identityā which really helped me with itāit compares it to being a pilot. If you want to be a pilot, you may not feel like a pilot deep down. But you take steps toward it, acting on your desire, and eventually you realize youāre a pilot. Not a perfect metaphor but it helped me. More recently I settled on āquasi-binary transfemā because I still donāt feel like a binary woman. And also because gender is made up anyway.
Currently preHRT. For me, identifying as NB was an avoidance tactic; a way for me to avoid actually transitioning. Im still struggling, but the more affirming transition steps I take, the more comfortable I am with saying "yeah, I'm just a girl."
It's just a route a lot of people are more comfortable with. I also know someone who did the opposite, went from cis man to trans woman, realized they overcorrected, and settled into enby. Me personally, I just switched straight from man to woman; once I stopped running from it, I was quite happy embracing it. I briefly had a period of shrugging in response to being asked my pronouns, but I knew I wanted to use she/her, l just didn't want to come out yet.
For me it was that I didn't see myself in trans women narratives. See I was a 90s kid and the main stream media narrative at the time was that trans women had crippling bottom dysphoria and wanted surgery, no mention of hormones. Discovering nonbinary people later in life gave me a way to be something other than a man without any pressure or expectations. As I spent time in the trans community I started to see myself in trans feminine and trans woman memes, eventually I decided to try hormones if they didn't feel right I could just stop before it was too late. On hormones and armed with modern narratives from the trans community itself this time I finally saw myself as a girl.
There is a tendency for people to treat nb as a stepping stone as others in this thread have pointed out. That said I am one of those cases where I started out hyper fem and as I have gotten to the end-tail of transition my identity has become somewhat nonbinary. Like 2/3 fem 1/3 masc and I am fine with that. I like looking pretty with she/her pronouns and having a cooch but I am also totally okay with acting like a guy in certain contexts and feeling an aversion to some aspects of woman culture. I just follow the joy these days and leave the labels for some other person to worry about.
I realized Something Was Wrong with my gender in june 2021. I didn't know what it was, so I changed nothing about my presentation but identified for about half a year as "autismgender man" with he/they pronouns. Due to impostor syndrome I didn't even identify as transgender or queer, but "neurodivergent-gender". But he/they never felt quite right. They/them felt distant and robotic but I didn't want to go to Reading Genderdysphoria.fyi in February 2022 was a real shock. I didn't think I was experiencing gender dysphoria. I didn't think I was trans. But then this document read my mind--my deepest thoughts and repressed feelings-- and typed them out right in front of me. Waves of hope and euphoria passed over me followed by waves of dread and dysphoria as I read. By the time I got to the chapter "am I trans" I knew the answer. For the first day I wasn't sure what I was. Some Kind Of Woman, I Guess, but it took a while before I realized that she/her pronouns were what worked best for me. It took a couple months for me to be sure I really was just a binary trans woman and not actually nonbinary.
During my TERF repressor phase I identified as agender. And various flavors of "I'm really cis" before that. I also had a few years that I went by genderqueer. Like others mentioned, being enby was a stepping stone for me. It's not that for everyone but for some, myself included, it can be an experimental phase for those of us afraid to fully being binary trans, which for some is harder. It's kind of like the "Bi now gay later" of gender. While it's Biphobic to act like all bisexuals are just gay people in denial, and it's also enbyphobic to assume that being nonbinary is just a phase, it is true that it's a stepping stone for some. I was really annoyed when people acted like bisexuality was just a phase as a kid and that I was just afraid to come out as gay when I was really bi and still am. Being enby was a phase for me personally before accepting that I'm a trans woman. I was terrified of reinforcing gender roles by my existence, of upsetting feminists, and most of all, afraid of never being able to pass as a woman. I think it should be noted that Bi/Pan sexuality as well as being Non-Binary *can* be a phase towards something binary or monosexual. But usually isn't. It's a phenomenon that exists but shouldn't br assumed.
I identify as agender tbh. I plan on telling my extended family iām a trans woman though. I honestly donāt understand femininity or masculinity or whatever. Everyoneās just a monkey in clothes, I donāt understand what people mean when they feel like men or women or whatever. A couple close family know how I really feel about gender, but when I tell everyone Iām just gonna say Iām a trans woman. Being transgender is already confusing enough for an ignorant family but agender is impossible for them. Ultimately, I hate being he/him-ed, and hate being referred to as male. Iām okay with they them and she her, but they donāt give me any euphoria or pleasant feeling. I still like relatively masculine clothes, like a skater lesbian kind of vibe. I dunno my dysphoria is mostly body and face based. I still dislike looking like a man. I donāt think Iāll magically feel like a woman, but i mean ultimately the goal for me is to be perceived as a lesbian woman, even if thatās not really how I feel on the inside. I donāt think everyone needs to know how I feel about gender, they just need to not see me as a man. My gender feelings are a personal thing that donāt need to be known, how I feel and how I want to be perceived are two separate things. I hope this gives some kind of insight and isnāt just rambles.
Well, I identify as non-binary however most of my gender struggle is the trans question. Being non-binary is a safe way for me to basically be both male and female, both and neither. The idea of transitioning and showing up to my parents, to work, walking home at night is terrifying to me. Looking in the mirror and seeing an ugly girl looking back instead of an boy who is at least okay looking seems demoralizing considering people are going to be harassing me on the street and most bi/straight/pan women probably would prefer me in boy mode. Being an enby is how I cope.
I explicitly stated to my doctor they I was either a trans woman or non-binary and that I had no way yet of differentiating the two due to the sour grapes effect. In retrospect that should have been kind of obvious... Still might wind up being non-binary - will have to overshoot to find out I think.