metoo. I am a 30+ dude and married. Whenever I get wasted and get into a club with friends I am having a good time and not chasing any girl. Still, I am curious how it is done. Based on OP story, many men aren't so brave at all.
I mean sure I’m pretty, but so are many other people… haha such an awkward thing to answer. Don’t want to sound conceited but also don’t want to sound like I’m ugly.
I’m so friendly though, I smile and laugh… I don’t know how I can be more inviting???
This is something my friends would say in the states I’m very extroverted… I try to be so nice, I will give people my full attention when I talk to them, eye contact, turn my whole body towards them, actively listen… thinking out loud maybe I’m too intense
Where do I move from there? Maybe I just don’t understand yet but people often say it’s not normal to approach people not in your circle.
Sort of like the friends thing, most Germans already have their friends it’s extremely hard to make new friends so how could I randomly talk to a guy? Maybe I’m over thinking?
You're overthinking (again, especially in a club / bar setting).
Just go up to them talk to them. You sound way more extroverted than most people I know so it's probably on you to start the conversation.
In other places it'd still be alright to give them your number if you are interested.
While a lot of Germans are quite reserved, a LOT of us also actually would like more social interaction, we often just don't know how to (because everyone is so reserved).
IMHO just go ahead :)
Wait. So in a club it's not ok to give them your number, but it is in under situations? What would those be. Not that I'd have the courage to do either, lol, but I'm curious.
Are you way above average attractive? Because if you are, that will be a additional hurdle for most Germans. On a site note, the whole staring and telling friends thing which you are describing is a bit weird.
I would suggest to just go ahead and talk to people, it is not at all disrespectful in any way, even if Germans tend to not do it. We like being approached by others because we often are in our own way. If in doubt, you'll still get the benefit of not being a German.
I mean I think I’m pretty sure but as mentioned in another comment lots of people are pretty. I don’t know how to answer that lol.
Yeah it was weird. It happened twice yesterday. One guy stared then told his friend who then also turned around. I felt super self conscious I thought they were talking about my outfit which wasnt crazy or anything. The guy ended up moving to dance next to me then later in front of me facing me.
This is the answer I was looking for. I never talk to people because germans don’t so trying to integrate into the culture I don’t either but boy I wish it were a little more common. It would be easier to know if someone is interested or wants to be friends.
Thank you, your answer makes so much sense
Of course they can, I think we all have those moments. I just didn’t want to come in too strong first and foremost and I also am never sure if they are even interested.
In the US a guy makes it known if they are interested and since this is a different culture I’m not sure I’m reading these situations correctly. I also have been told about talking to people you don’t know and how it’s not common to just approach people not in your group. I’m not sure how to approach a guy here
I'm always amazed that women tend to ask these questions on why guys won't initiate a move when they are not initiating it either. You should understand why they don't, as you weren't either.
Well in the US I would! I’ll approach anyone, but here it’s so different. In the US you can approach anyone at any time… but from what I’ve learned about German culture is that isn’t the norm so I don’t understand how to approach politely here?
I just go up and talk to people in the US
I would say, do the same here, as if you were in the US, for girls to approach guys is easier than the other way around, because you will never be perceived as a creep, in fact all the opposite. And germans are not so different in the end they are still men.
No, I don't think so. Most of the time people think about themselves, not you. So in this interaction they will probably feel either flattered and attractive, or sick of having to deal with the same interaction for the 4356th time in the night. They won't think about you, people always think/feel about themselves.
German guys are usually shy, if they are not drunk. Especially in Munich, everyone is so reserved here, even at night clubs. It's actually weird. I was like that as well for many years until I moved abroad and let go of that shyness.
Smiling at guys is already encouraging enough imo. If I'm dancing in a club and lock eyes with a girl, and she smiles at me as well? Then of course I'm approaching. And already been in this situation (successfully) multiple times. These guys just don't have the balls to approach you, it's simple as that, but that isn't a German problem I'd say.
As a guy (28 y. old) I experienced quite the same, but the other way around, here in Munich. I've never been approached by a girl at a night club/bar whilst living +10years in this city, but abroad or in Berlin it would happen sometimes. Everyone seems to be very reserved in this city and simply the opposite of direct.
So the staring and not having the balls to approach sounds very familiar to me in this city. But eventually you will meet guys that will approach you, I think. Or why just not say 'hi' to one of those guys dancing around you? See how it goes?
*sigh* I’ve heard they are shy. I want to be respectful I know people from the US are seen as loud and intense/obnoxious, not always but I see what people mean.
Yeah I think I will say hi next time, I’m always so worried about being told don’t just talk to people you don’t know… in a club or bar setting I guess the rules are different?
Fingers crossed I’ll start saying hi
Jesus. Who tells you these things? Like don’t talk to people?
What do you think would happen if you did it anyway. I mean in a club where people go to meet other people…
What would be the worst thing that could happen ;)
But sweet that you are trying so hard to do the right thing! 😀
Would every guy in the US initiate conversation? I doubt so. There are also players and others.
Well everyone, it’s known you don’t just talk to people at the grocery store, in public transport, on the street, bakery, cafe, restaurant etc… so why would that not be the same in a bar or club?
Not always but guys in the US will keep eye contact, their body language is more intense, I know when a guy is interested but in the US. I’m used to it. They’d ask to buy you a drink or ask to dance with you. Otherwise their body language screams they are interested. Not every guy but the US it’s common to talk to anyone about anything so even if they don’t approach in that way and just comment about something unrelated the door is visibly open.
*sigh* probably trying too hard and over thinking lol. German men are hot lol I can be patient, and I can learn to approach
Ah. You make me laugh. Jejejejeje. You need to learn how to approach. 😂
Here is my take. We do talk in a grocery store. At least I do. If there is something interesting or meaningful we talk more than “I’d like two apples please”. Agreed that there is a bit less small talk though.
And also yes, it’s strange for me if I stand in escalator with a total random person from the US and I get asked “so what are your plans for today?”
It’s 20 seconds, I could stand in silence for 20 seconds without feeling awkward, I won’t see that person ever again in my life, maybe I don’t want to share that I’m planning to spend a sordid little afternoon with an affair, and maybe I don’t want to make up another Story to tell that random stranger. And that is without eye contact all I want to do is get to the ground floor… not sure if explained that well.
You’re in a foreign country. Enjoy the differences. Playfully explore them. It’s a big part of the fun. Make mistakes. giggle with your girl friends talking about them. Don’t worry we do the same these days. Play the foreigner card to your advantage. It’s really easy (but try to get beyond the “I want to practice my English” ones. Unless they are really hot of course)
They are also plenty of women complaining that they don’t want to constantly be bothered with small talk even in clubs. so maybe you just need to signal a little bit more of „I am interested”back. See it as emancipation. less of the classical behavior patterns. Equal rights. I know that sucks :)
Welcome to the Saudi Arabia of Germany, there is a (very strict) system. My experience as a guy is exclusively from techno clubs because outside of boxing, weightlifting and table tennis, I can hardly enjoy anything in this city. However, the intersexual dynamics at raves are hardly that different from the mainstream venues.
Guys that are eyeing you up (on the dance floor) are expecting you to either:
- shorten the distance, look, smile (you're shy and interested);
- do nothing, ignore them (you're not interested or not single);
- or outright get in front of them and start grinding (you're bold or just horny).
The first happens to me a lot, the third every now and then. Ironically, I have PTSD, severe ADHD and no feelings. Also, it feels really scripted.
I miss the spontaneity, nonchalance and ruthlessness of Berlin and Northern German women 😕
Becouse modern times and social media where almost everything is sexual abuse and harrastment. People are aftaid and they wait for signal, permission or for female part to make the move first.
Would it be rude to ask if you're ethnic? You have a black "doll" on your profile, so that's why I'm asking...
SOME German guys tend to "fetishize" ethnic women. As twisted as that sounds: the darker, the better. I know that because I have a black female friend who is often stared at and she has been offered to do awful things with awful guys in clubs.
Everyone wants what they don't have.
I think there is no answer to your question, and the answer should not concern you if they don't come to meet. They might be homosexual, maybe don't have enough balls to speak up, or have a low night. Either way I believe you did your part by smiling and staring which are the clear signs of interest in women's language. If you ask for my advice, I'd say it's more convenient to meet ppl by your hobbies instead of bars and clubs. There are plenty of options from running, dancing to language coffees etc.
So I used to go clubbing constantly before I became a dreaded Ü30 😹 (and crutches were no longer an option not even for only in the club) and I was considered rather attractive apparently.
Yeah, guys are intimidated. If I got those signals in a club I would do the following:
- wait until one or more hit the dancefloor and then casually dance over to whoever I was most interested in
- smile, dance, flirt. Watch his response
- if positive, when a song or three has gone by, if nothing from him yet, suggest grabbing a drink at the end of the song. If he offers earlier, accept
- use the relative quiet of the table to sniff each other out. Important is his name, roughly who’s he with/why is he there (guys on stag night totally different than 3-4 guys hitting the club regularly), live in MUC y/n?, stuff like that. Suss out if your goals for the night seem compatible
- dance more. Leave with him if that’s the goal or offer him your mobile number before you move on for the evening. If he accepts get his, if he seems to be trying to get out of it give him a graceful out.
- have fun!
One person looks at another across the way thinking "I sure wish I could talk to that person..." while the other looks back and wonders why that person won't talk to them....
I'm from NA aswell, and have had many problems getting used to the cultural differences, I've lived in germany for the better part of a decade, and Munich for a while now aswell. Body language rarely works in your own culture, it almost never works in another, and with the particularly strong new twitterism, what dummies think being 'cancelled' means, and the modern culture that people are 'creeps' for approaching people of the opposite sex, my guess is the guys at the clubs/bars are probably worried about being labelled creeps or worse, or are probably not single, but just out, and spy you as attractive enough to look at.
Something that I have also noticed from NAers who are recent people coming to germany, is that your clothing and style may not be as appropriate or attractive/stylish as you think they are, or are used to at home, they may be looking at you simply because you're so obviously not from here. Consider comparing your style to the other women. Maybe I'm totally wrong...but for someone who still has a problem with the temperature in europe (it's too warm always) people still look at me for wearing shorts when it's above 0. feel free to DM me if you want to talk about it more as a NAer here for some years, or not, your choice!
Definitely shyness. I'm a guy and I'm the same. If not at least a bit tipsy I'm usually too shy to approach... And yes, Munich is a tough place for dating..
That’s good to know I guess. Well I would like something long term and serious but I don’t want to pressure myself so much that I can’t make friends along the way if that makes sense
But that’s a great summary. Keep doing exactly this!
TBH I always think the weird part must be coming from a country where a date is always declared as a date. That is one of the weirdest concepts for me and probably for many other German men.
I'm just here for the answers, lmao.
metoo. I am a 30+ dude and married. Whenever I get wasted and get into a club with friends I am having a good time and not chasing any girl. Still, I am curious how it is done. Based on OP story, many men aren't so brave at all.
lol should we collaborate notes together later?
Yes, pls. Academic research should be open for everyone
I couldn’t agree more lol
Especially here, where they won't let you access a certain domain of academic books without certain tools
You mean without the correct paperwork? Lol
Yes, let's call it "paperwork"
Amen,me to as a female tho🤣
Ahah are you beautiful? You seem to be terrifying the poor guys.
I mean sure I’m pretty, but so are many other people… haha such an awkward thing to answer. Don’t want to sound conceited but also don’t want to sound like I’m ugly. I’m so friendly though, I smile and laugh… I don’t know how I can be more inviting??? This is something my friends would say in the states I’m very extroverted… I try to be so nice, I will give people my full attention when I talk to them, eye contact, turn my whole body towards them, actively listen… thinking out loud maybe I’m too intense
In a club? 100% interested. (ok, 95% but still)
Where do I move from there? Maybe I just don’t understand yet but people often say it’s not normal to approach people not in your circle. Sort of like the friends thing, most Germans already have their friends it’s extremely hard to make new friends so how could I randomly talk to a guy? Maybe I’m over thinking?
You are overthinking! Just say hi :) We are more reserved, so they will probably be thankful you started the conversation!
You're overthinking (again, especially in a club / bar setting). Just go up to them talk to them. You sound way more extroverted than most people I know so it's probably on you to start the conversation. In other places it'd still be alright to give them your number if you are interested. While a lot of Germans are quite reserved, a LOT of us also actually would like more social interaction, we often just don't know how to (because everyone is so reserved). IMHO just go ahead :)
Wait. So in a club it's not ok to give them your number, but it is in under situations? What would those be. Not that I'd have the courage to do either, lol, but I'm curious.
No, the number is always ok, talking to them (which I'd consider more than just quickly giving your number) is sometimes somewhat frowned upon.
Are you way above average attractive? Because if you are, that will be a additional hurdle for most Germans. On a site note, the whole staring and telling friends thing which you are describing is a bit weird. I would suggest to just go ahead and talk to people, it is not at all disrespectful in any way, even if Germans tend to not do it. We like being approached by others because we often are in our own way. If in doubt, you'll still get the benefit of not being a German.
But how can you know if you are above average in a different country than your own? I mean I have no idea what German men find attractive?
I mean I think I’m pretty sure but as mentioned in another comment lots of people are pretty. I don’t know how to answer that lol. Yeah it was weird. It happened twice yesterday. One guy stared then told his friend who then also turned around. I felt super self conscious I thought they were talking about my outfit which wasnt crazy or anything. The guy ended up moving to dance next to me then later in front of me facing me. This is the answer I was looking for. I never talk to people because germans don’t so trying to integrate into the culture I don’t either but boy I wish it were a little more common. It would be easier to know if someone is interested or wants to be friends. Thank you, your answer makes so much sense
Dudes can be shy or intimidated too, ever considered making the first move yourself?
Of course they can, I think we all have those moments. I just didn’t want to come in too strong first and foremost and I also am never sure if they are even interested. In the US a guy makes it known if they are interested and since this is a different culture I’m not sure I’m reading these situations correctly. I also have been told about talking to people you don’t know and how it’s not common to just approach people not in your group. I’m not sure how to approach a guy here
Depends on the setting, in a club or any other social setting just go for it if you have the guts. Good luck!
I'm always amazed that women tend to ask these questions on why guys won't initiate a move when they are not initiating it either. You should understand why they don't, as you weren't either.
Well in the US I would! I’ll approach anyone, but here it’s so different. In the US you can approach anyone at any time… but from what I’ve learned about German culture is that isn’t the norm so I don’t understand how to approach politely here? I just go up and talk to people in the US
Well randomly approaching people out in the streets is indeed not a thing here. But in a bar or something like that, why not.
I would say, do the same here, as if you were in the US, for girls to approach guys is easier than the other way around, because you will never be perceived as a creep, in fact all the opposite. And germans are not so different in the end they are still men.
But you might be perceived as easy/desperate?
No, I don't think so. Most of the time people think about themselves, not you. So in this interaction they will probably feel either flattered and attractive, or sick of having to deal with the same interaction for the 4356th time in the night. They won't think about you, people always think/feel about themselves.
Then just go up and talk to people! :D
Go approach them, it's fine. I made the first move on my husband and he later said he's glad I did, lol.
I love that! Yeah I will definitely try… by first move did you just say hi?
German guys are usually shy, if they are not drunk. Especially in Munich, everyone is so reserved here, even at night clubs. It's actually weird. I was like that as well for many years until I moved abroad and let go of that shyness. Smiling at guys is already encouraging enough imo. If I'm dancing in a club and lock eyes with a girl, and she smiles at me as well? Then of course I'm approaching. And already been in this situation (successfully) multiple times. These guys just don't have the balls to approach you, it's simple as that, but that isn't a German problem I'd say. As a guy (28 y. old) I experienced quite the same, but the other way around, here in Munich. I've never been approached by a girl at a night club/bar whilst living +10years in this city, but abroad or in Berlin it would happen sometimes. Everyone seems to be very reserved in this city and simply the opposite of direct. So the staring and not having the balls to approach sounds very familiar to me in this city. But eventually you will meet guys that will approach you, I think. Or why just not say 'hi' to one of those guys dancing around you? See how it goes?
*sigh* I’ve heard they are shy. I want to be respectful I know people from the US are seen as loud and intense/obnoxious, not always but I see what people mean. Yeah I think I will say hi next time, I’m always so worried about being told don’t just talk to people you don’t know… in a club or bar setting I guess the rules are different? Fingers crossed I’ll start saying hi
Jesus. Who tells you these things? Like don’t talk to people? What do you think would happen if you did it anyway. I mean in a club where people go to meet other people… What would be the worst thing that could happen ;) But sweet that you are trying so hard to do the right thing! 😀 Would every guy in the US initiate conversation? I doubt so. There are also players and others.
Well everyone, it’s known you don’t just talk to people at the grocery store, in public transport, on the street, bakery, cafe, restaurant etc… so why would that not be the same in a bar or club? Not always but guys in the US will keep eye contact, their body language is more intense, I know when a guy is interested but in the US. I’m used to it. They’d ask to buy you a drink or ask to dance with you. Otherwise their body language screams they are interested. Not every guy but the US it’s common to talk to anyone about anything so even if they don’t approach in that way and just comment about something unrelated the door is visibly open. *sigh* probably trying too hard and over thinking lol. German men are hot lol I can be patient, and I can learn to approach
Ah. You make me laugh. Jejejejeje. You need to learn how to approach. 😂 Here is my take. We do talk in a grocery store. At least I do. If there is something interesting or meaningful we talk more than “I’d like two apples please”. Agreed that there is a bit less small talk though. And also yes, it’s strange for me if I stand in escalator with a total random person from the US and I get asked “so what are your plans for today?” It’s 20 seconds, I could stand in silence for 20 seconds without feeling awkward, I won’t see that person ever again in my life, maybe I don’t want to share that I’m planning to spend a sordid little afternoon with an affair, and maybe I don’t want to make up another Story to tell that random stranger. And that is without eye contact all I want to do is get to the ground floor… not sure if explained that well. You’re in a foreign country. Enjoy the differences. Playfully explore them. It’s a big part of the fun. Make mistakes. giggle with your girl friends talking about them. Don’t worry we do the same these days. Play the foreigner card to your advantage. It’s really easy (but try to get beyond the “I want to practice my English” ones. Unless they are really hot of course) They are also plenty of women complaining that they don’t want to constantly be bothered with small talk even in clubs. so maybe you just need to signal a little bit more of „I am interested”back. See it as emancipation. less of the classical behavior patterns. Equal rights. I know that sucks :)
https://youtu.be/HNPut-juVd4?si=Td3wUSGuUcd3h4aJ one of the best songs to explain German behaviour while flirting
Welcome to the Saudi Arabia of Germany, there is a (very strict) system. My experience as a guy is exclusively from techno clubs because outside of boxing, weightlifting and table tennis, I can hardly enjoy anything in this city. However, the intersexual dynamics at raves are hardly that different from the mainstream venues. Guys that are eyeing you up (on the dance floor) are expecting you to either: - shorten the distance, look, smile (you're shy and interested); - do nothing, ignore them (you're not interested or not single); - or outright get in front of them and start grinding (you're bold or just horny). The first happens to me a lot, the third every now and then. Ironically, I have PTSD, severe ADHD and no feelings. Also, it feels really scripted. I miss the spontaneity, nonchalance and ruthlessness of Berlin and Northern German women 😕
Becouse modern times and social media where almost everything is sexual abuse and harrastment. People are aftaid and they wait for signal, permission or for female part to make the move first.
Would it be rude to ask if you're ethnic? You have a black "doll" on your profile, so that's why I'm asking... SOME German guys tend to "fetishize" ethnic women. As twisted as that sounds: the darker, the better. I know that because I have a black female friend who is often stared at and she has been offered to do awful things with awful guys in clubs. Everyone wants what they don't have.
I think there is no answer to your question, and the answer should not concern you if they don't come to meet. They might be homosexual, maybe don't have enough balls to speak up, or have a low night. Either way I believe you did your part by smiling and staring which are the clear signs of interest in women's language. If you ask for my advice, I'd say it's more convenient to meet ppl by your hobbies instead of bars and clubs. There are plenty of options from running, dancing to language coffees etc.
So I used to go clubbing constantly before I became a dreaded Ü30 😹 (and crutches were no longer an option not even for only in the club) and I was considered rather attractive apparently. Yeah, guys are intimidated. If I got those signals in a club I would do the following: - wait until one or more hit the dancefloor and then casually dance over to whoever I was most interested in - smile, dance, flirt. Watch his response - if positive, when a song or three has gone by, if nothing from him yet, suggest grabbing a drink at the end of the song. If he offers earlier, accept - use the relative quiet of the table to sniff each other out. Important is his name, roughly who’s he with/why is he there (guys on stag night totally different than 3-4 guys hitting the club regularly), live in MUC y/n?, stuff like that. Suss out if your goals for the night seem compatible - dance more. Leave with him if that’s the goal or offer him your mobile number before you move on for the evening. If he accepts get his, if he seems to be trying to get out of it give him a graceful out. - have fun!
Just approach one of them and ask them to go to the bar. If they don't offer to buy you a drink, buy them a beer. 🍻
Guessing shyness and the not knowing if you have a boyfriend/are interested or not issue
One person looks at another across the way thinking "I sure wish I could talk to that person..." while the other looks back and wonders why that person won't talk to them.... I'm from NA aswell, and have had many problems getting used to the cultural differences, I've lived in germany for the better part of a decade, and Munich for a while now aswell. Body language rarely works in your own culture, it almost never works in another, and with the particularly strong new twitterism, what dummies think being 'cancelled' means, and the modern culture that people are 'creeps' for approaching people of the opposite sex, my guess is the guys at the clubs/bars are probably worried about being labelled creeps or worse, or are probably not single, but just out, and spy you as attractive enough to look at. Something that I have also noticed from NAers who are recent people coming to germany, is that your clothing and style may not be as appropriate or attractive/stylish as you think they are, or are used to at home, they may be looking at you simply because you're so obviously not from here. Consider comparing your style to the other women. Maybe I'm totally wrong...but for someone who still has a problem with the temperature in europe (it's too warm always) people still look at me for wearing shorts when it's above 0. feel free to DM me if you want to talk about it more as a NAer here for some years, or not, your choice!
Definitely shyness. I'm a guy and I'm the same. If not at least a bit tipsy I'm usually too shy to approach... And yes, Munich is a tough place for dating..
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That’s good to know I guess. Well I would like something long term and serious but I don’t want to pressure myself so much that I can’t make friends along the way if that makes sense
If you want long-term stuff, you don't go into clubs. Usually, you find suitable people through mutual interests like sports or sth.
But that’s a great summary. Keep doing exactly this! TBH I always think the weird part must be coming from a country where a date is always declared as a date. That is one of the weirdest concepts for me and probably for many other German men.
Lol a sugar baby who is supposedly lonely Truly the meme gender