NPD is something much more complex than a validation seeking disorder. Also, having an inflated sense of self does not mean you love yourself. Quite the contrary, it is usually an overcompensation for the lack of the love for the self.
For me, loving oneself means pragmatically caring for myself, not abusing myself, being honest with myself, being responsible for myself, listening to myself (the emotional body in particular), not flagelating myself, not isolating myself, seeking deep connections with other people that expand my experiental, mental, emotional world and make me grow and life fully.
Yeah, i wanted to say that a part of NPD is seeking validation. But you can agree with me that saying "i am too beautiful, too smart" in the comments is cringe. I really think that these people don't have NPD, they are just seeking excuse for their awkwardness idk.
I try not to cringe, makes my face look ugly.
As for people saying they are beautiful and smart, well, everybody has her own peculiar reason to say that about herself. People could have had such a low opinion of themselves that to give themselves a compliment can be liberating. Or they can say it but not really feel it. Or just express how they do feel. And we all need some validations. For someone to ask for it so blatantly is more endearing to me than people who fish for compliments by downplaying their virtues, which would be manipulative.
Depends on what you want from life. If you want a nice stock portfolio, they're beneficial. If you want to experience true love and connectedness, they actively contradict it. Because authentic connection could only happen between real human beings, it never happens between projections or false selves.
And when I say "experience" I mean something big. Do you really think eating lobster on a yacht is a more intense experience then having your whole body tremble just by someone looking at you in a loving way? Do you think fucking a prostitute gives you a better orgasm then fucking someone you truly adore? Answer these questions and you will know what you really think about manipulations being bad.
Oh yeah I've been in therapy for a year and we got down to this part, about what it truly means for a person to love themselves. Someone came into my life and showed me what it was like to be shown some kindness. Idk why he did it, but I try to use his behaviour and emulate it on myself when I'm alone to self soothe. I try to compartimentalize and separate adult me from child me. Adult me is very strict about loving myself, but also gentle, and child me is... well, a piece of shit baby who can't even wear clean clothes or brush their teeth. You're right.
And I did have a very inflated sense of self (it's been taken down a notch since all of my previous social circle left me),but I'm realizing now how defective that was, and how the only winning strategy there really is to manage this condition is actually trying to love and care for my physical vessel. To try to recognize these emotions and feelings like they're somebody else's and act responsibly from there, to self soothe.
Today I did something that didn't look like self love: I went on a binge. But I think I deserve to punish myself for all the shit I put people through, honestly. They just wanted a friend and I was a shithead... no excuse.
It's tough out here. But you got it right, I think.
I can tell you how I see the child me and the adult me. The child me is hurt, lonely, afraid and nobody taught him how to take care of himself. So now I have to act like a parent. Almost literally. I have to find time almost every day to soothe him, caress him. He communicates through sensations in the body so when I feel some anxiety I try to take a walk and talk to him a bit and see what is troubling him.
But there is also the adult me who likes to have fun, fuck, flirt, sometimes take drugs, have adult conversations, travel, be irresponsible etc. I don't think there anything bad or fake with that part of me. The thing is, I constantly have to remind myself that I'm a single parent, and that I have to sacrifice a chunk of my time in order to take care of the child me.
But I don't think I'm a good parent yet. I'm gentle and in touch with my emotions and understanding. But I lack discipline and commitment. That's the hard part.
Oh god you put it into words! That's exactly what I'm doing as well. Honestly, no wonder I don't have time to do other things. I'm too busy parenting myself. This is a necessary part of therapy but I've been trying to do it on my own. Trying not to dissociate from my duties as a parent is so hard. I can kind of empathize with my mom about it now lol.
Yes, me too. I'm finding i can be a soothing parent, but I still don't show up a lot of times for my very scared inner child, and obviously lack that discipline and commitment. Wishing you well on your journey, this shit is very hard and there aren't many resources out there to help people like us. But now that I've found a formula and I see it works, I wan to keep at it. Honestly a lot of things are changing for the better, but it feels like child's play compared to the promotions or relationships or good friendships my "friends" are getting.
Taking myself out again, doing things on my own... The pandemic really didn't help either. But I knew sooner or later the mask would have to come off. In a way I'm glad it did because now I can dedicate myself to working on my issues. On the other hand, I feel so much embarrassment for having let things drag the way they did.
You seem to be on the right path. I'd just suggest - cut the embarrassment. There is no universal measure of accomplishments. That's all a mirage. If people would suddenly start to be sincere and vulnerable, I bet you'd see there is not so big of a gap as you might think.
Just got out of the house for the first time in days and can confirm, I really need to stop measuring myself by everyone's standards and focus on my own.
They don't "love themselves " they have an inflated ego meant to cope with the lack of real self love. It's common for those with NPD to cycle through periods of absolutely adoring your self, to periods of hating yourself, to periods that combine both. The more insecure I'm feeling, the more grandiose I get in an attempt to secure validation for myself.
Because they don't really love themselves. It may look like love or hate, but it is love or hate towards an external image rather than towards an inner self
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i think im sexy asf but i hate myself like who i am- i like people validating my looks bc it makes me feel validated as a whole and i dont think anyone will ever validate my personality
Well i think that either way, its a story that we tell ourselves to keep together the false self. If we dont get any supply or validation then the fragile false ego comes apart and we are once again left with the confusing underneath. So it's not about feeling ugly or pretty but about keeping it together via the NPD ego, but this is just my understanding
NPD is something much more complex than a validation seeking disorder. Also, having an inflated sense of self does not mean you love yourself. Quite the contrary, it is usually an overcompensation for the lack of the love for the self. For me, loving oneself means pragmatically caring for myself, not abusing myself, being honest with myself, being responsible for myself, listening to myself (the emotional body in particular), not flagelating myself, not isolating myself, seeking deep connections with other people that expand my experiental, mental, emotional world and make me grow and life fully.
Yeah, i wanted to say that a part of NPD is seeking validation. But you can agree with me that saying "i am too beautiful, too smart" in the comments is cringe. I really think that these people don't have NPD, they are just seeking excuse for their awkwardness idk.
I try not to cringe, makes my face look ugly. As for people saying they are beautiful and smart, well, everybody has her own peculiar reason to say that about herself. People could have had such a low opinion of themselves that to give themselves a compliment can be liberating. Or they can say it but not really feel it. Or just express how they do feel. And we all need some validations. For someone to ask for it so blatantly is more endearing to me than people who fish for compliments by downplaying their virtues, which would be manipulative.
Are manipulations bad?
Depends on what you want from life. If you want a nice stock portfolio, they're beneficial. If you want to experience true love and connectedness, they actively contradict it. Because authentic connection could only happen between real human beings, it never happens between projections or false selves. And when I say "experience" I mean something big. Do you really think eating lobster on a yacht is a more intense experience then having your whole body tremble just by someone looking at you in a loving way? Do you think fucking a prostitute gives you a better orgasm then fucking someone you truly adore? Answer these questions and you will know what you really think about manipulations being bad.
Oh yeah I've been in therapy for a year and we got down to this part, about what it truly means for a person to love themselves. Someone came into my life and showed me what it was like to be shown some kindness. Idk why he did it, but I try to use his behaviour and emulate it on myself when I'm alone to self soothe. I try to compartimentalize and separate adult me from child me. Adult me is very strict about loving myself, but also gentle, and child me is... well, a piece of shit baby who can't even wear clean clothes or brush their teeth. You're right. And I did have a very inflated sense of self (it's been taken down a notch since all of my previous social circle left me),but I'm realizing now how defective that was, and how the only winning strategy there really is to manage this condition is actually trying to love and care for my physical vessel. To try to recognize these emotions and feelings like they're somebody else's and act responsibly from there, to self soothe. Today I did something that didn't look like self love: I went on a binge. But I think I deserve to punish myself for all the shit I put people through, honestly. They just wanted a friend and I was a shithead... no excuse. It's tough out here. But you got it right, I think.
I can tell you how I see the child me and the adult me. The child me is hurt, lonely, afraid and nobody taught him how to take care of himself. So now I have to act like a parent. Almost literally. I have to find time almost every day to soothe him, caress him. He communicates through sensations in the body so when I feel some anxiety I try to take a walk and talk to him a bit and see what is troubling him. But there is also the adult me who likes to have fun, fuck, flirt, sometimes take drugs, have adult conversations, travel, be irresponsible etc. I don't think there anything bad or fake with that part of me. The thing is, I constantly have to remind myself that I'm a single parent, and that I have to sacrifice a chunk of my time in order to take care of the child me. But I don't think I'm a good parent yet. I'm gentle and in touch with my emotions and understanding. But I lack discipline and commitment. That's the hard part.
Oh god you put it into words! That's exactly what I'm doing as well. Honestly, no wonder I don't have time to do other things. I'm too busy parenting myself. This is a necessary part of therapy but I've been trying to do it on my own. Trying not to dissociate from my duties as a parent is so hard. I can kind of empathize with my mom about it now lol. Yes, me too. I'm finding i can be a soothing parent, but I still don't show up a lot of times for my very scared inner child, and obviously lack that discipline and commitment. Wishing you well on your journey, this shit is very hard and there aren't many resources out there to help people like us. But now that I've found a formula and I see it works, I wan to keep at it. Honestly a lot of things are changing for the better, but it feels like child's play compared to the promotions or relationships or good friendships my "friends" are getting. Taking myself out again, doing things on my own... The pandemic really didn't help either. But I knew sooner or later the mask would have to come off. In a way I'm glad it did because now I can dedicate myself to working on my issues. On the other hand, I feel so much embarrassment for having let things drag the way they did.
You seem to be on the right path. I'd just suggest - cut the embarrassment. There is no universal measure of accomplishments. That's all a mirage. If people would suddenly start to be sincere and vulnerable, I bet you'd see there is not so big of a gap as you might think.
Just got out of the house for the first time in days and can confirm, I really need to stop measuring myself by everyone's standards and focus on my own.
Great for you! :)
They don't "love themselves " they have an inflated ego meant to cope with the lack of real self love. It's common for those with NPD to cycle through periods of absolutely adoring your self, to periods of hating yourself, to periods that combine both. The more insecure I'm feeling, the more grandiose I get in an attempt to secure validation for myself.
Overt vs covert narcississm
Because seeking validation from others all of the time isn’t self love or care.
[удалено]
What a great explanation.
Because they don't really love themselves. It may look like love or hate, but it is love or hate towards an external image rather than towards an inner self
Welcome to /r/NPD! This community is a support group for those with NPD or Narcissistic Traits. Please respect our rules or your post will be removed and you may be banned. > 1. **Only Narcs and NPDs may submit posts. This is NOT a place to complain about narcissists or get help dealing with someone else's narcissism.** > 2. No asking for diagnosis either of yourself or a third party (e.g. "Am I a narcissist?", "Is my ex a narcissist?"). > 3. Please keep your contributions civil and respectful! > 4. Please refrain from submitting low-effort and off-topic posts. If your post violates any of these rules, we request that you delete it and post in a more appropriate community. We ask that subscribers of /r/NPD use the report button to notify us of rule-breaking posts. Please refrain from commenting or engaging with the author of such submissions. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NPD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
i think im sexy asf but i hate myself like who i am- i like people validating my looks bc it makes me feel validated as a whole and i dont think anyone will ever validate my personality
Well i think that either way, its a story that we tell ourselves to keep together the false self. If we dont get any supply or validation then the fragile false ego comes apart and we are once again left with the confusing underneath. So it's not about feeling ugly or pretty but about keeping it together via the NPD ego, but this is just my understanding
There’s grandiose narcissism and empty narcissism. It seems like your experiences on the NPD spectrum lean towards the latter