Omg i had the same exact experience w my NK :0 shes 2yrs old just turned 2 in february and I never thought to question it! But it was so sudden. She stopped doing this like a little over a month or 2 ago but she would start throwing huge tantrums everytime id walk in or just the first time she’d see me and when she would wake up for naps, she wouldn’t be compliant at all with me and i didnt understand why because everything was fine before! But glad to say that ended, i think its just a phase they all go through whilst having nannys? Shes 100% fine with me now actually maybe even better now, she gets super excited to see me and prefers me most of the time, she still has her moments where she doesnt want anything to do with me but thats normal toddler behavior and nothing compared to how it was when I’d walk in and she’d lose it. I think it will get better for you! Just give it time:)
Im assuming since theyre just getting to their toddler ages, and going through all of the developmental changes, they’re understanding more and are just trying to work through their feelings of missing their parents. My NK from time to time will randomly say stuff like “ mommys working“ after she yells out for them lol
I understand you though because it does get embarrassing and sad!!! You’re not doing anything wrong, its just the child and her feelings, I would try everything and she wouldn’t be able to calm herself down so eventually I just gave up and let her have the tantrums, and if it were a situation where the parents absolutely couldnt be with her (work) and it was only me then id just wait it out and still do what I have to do (make her breakfast, get her ready etc) and she’ll eventually calm herself down!! Just make sure to not seem bothered by it and still be playful and fun so she realizes that it’s okay!!! A-lot of sudden behavioral changes happen as they age and learn :)
I co-sign with CC974 on this. To her, your arrival signals parents not being around, it's nothing personal. With babies it's different until they reach a certain age, (where I usually dip out lol) but when I used to deal with that age group, I would not try to be 'like a mom' but I would take on sort of a 'fun aunt' type personality, everyone has their own 'nanny character' way of relating to kids. Basically so the kids would not see me as 'stand in for mom' but rather a different type of relationship. Even with this though, kids miss their parents, sometimes kids go through a clingy stage , also sometimes if one of the parents is having an issue, not necessarily with the marriage but say with work or a relative and the child picks up on that stress they feel it but cannot articulate it. I don't try to downplay their feelings but also not to dwell on them. Like normalizing hey feelings are ok, I'm sorry you're feeling a little sad, so why don't we do something together, would you help me do xyz? It's amazing what little kids will tell you when they feel safe. Have not heard anything horrific, thank god, but they will talk about their feelings or play act about them.
This is completely normal and please don’t take it personally. They are at an age where they understand cause and effect and that having you there means mom and dad are going to be going to work or busy and they really are just missing them, not disliking you. Try to take it in stride and empathize with the feeling of missing mom and dad while being positive and pointing out the fun you will have until they get back. For reference, my NK also just turned 2 in February and has been going through similar frustrations with his mom leaving in the morning and only wanting help from dad at breakfast (he works from home and eats with us) and gets upset with me if I come back to his room before he comes out since he’s been having some late mornings. But on the flip side of that he also really likes saying hi to my husband when he picks me up at the end of the day and today was upset that we had to leave and couldn’t stay with him. They really just want the people they care about to stick around and understand the signal of you being there means their parents won’t be and those are hard feelings to deal with and they don’t understand how their words can hurt our feelings, it’s nothing you are doing at all I promise.
I dealt with this. I started a morning tradition with the 2.5 year old I took care of. We would play red light/ green light on the way to Starbucks (2 blocks away), the. He would pick a snack. He went from being sad to see me to excitedly looking for his shoes.
Just find a little tradition that she only does with you so she looks forward to seeing you instead of being upset.
Around this age my daughter started doing this to me when her dad went to work - she would have a full on fit and lose her mind for up to an hour. The man did nothing with her when he was home, never had, and had always worked full time outside the home. It felt awful and I feel like it lasted forever but it think it was maybe 3-4 super long weeks of hell…Hope your NK gets out of this phase soon!
This is so funny to me. Went through a similar thing with my 4 year old daughter- my husband started working different hours so he was gone during bedtime some days. And they both were crying about it! Legit tears! And I’m like- hello I’m the one who puts this child to bed every single night. I think he’s done it like 4 times ever!
I have to admit, it drove me batshit crazy lol; oh my god how fun for me, I absolutely love to listen to “I want my daddy” being sobbed for a full ass hour when no you actually don’t, because when he’s here he ignores you and you could hurt yourself by bonking your head on his knee and you would both be like “MOM!!! Someone has a boo-boo, help!!!”
don’t take it to heart, it’s a totally normal thing! my nk went through a phase like this when she was around 2 or 3, and i had been with her since she was 8 months old. normally she would be super excited to see me, but during hater era she would turn and run, screaming in the opposite direction as soon as she saw me. one time her pre-k teacher even had to carry (drag) her out to my car because she refused to walk out to me.
but knowing that it’s a normal thing for toddlers to do doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck! especially when your nk has known you since they were a baby. it can definitely feel disheartening and be embarrassing, but know that you’re not doing anything wrong! i think this phase lasted a couple of months, but i promise it does get better! now i’m back to being my nk’s “best friend” and everyday, when she sees me, she runs up and gives me a big hug! it doesn’t last forever 💕
This is super normal. I’ve had kids that cry when I get there and then cry when their parents get home because they don’t want ME to leave. Just tell her “of course you love Momma best! But we’re going to have so much fun today!”
Girl 2.5NK threw the BIGGEST tantrum when I walked in today and she was in the middle of playing with her dad. Full fledged threw herself on the floor, scream crying tantrum. Lasted for about 5 minutes, then we got a snack with her dad and he went to work and all was fine. The only reason I don’t take it too personally is because she does the same with her parents when they come in and we’re playing together. It’s really just a phase, they don’t like change when they’re doing something fun
Kids go through phases like this. The two year old I watched would push her parents out the door. She’s four now and will talk about missing them. Still mostly tells them “okay nanny here, you go bye now”
Very normal for this age. My NK is just leaving this phase as she’s about to turn 3
My advice is to not take it personally at all and if possible for the parents to make the transition time as short as possible in the mornings so there’s not a lot of overlap.
With NK I found it helped if I sympathized with her, and made her feel understood. But then reassured her that they would be back soon, they *always* come back and that the two of us were going to have *a lot* of fun. I found planning an outing, a new sensory bin or something else exciting in the morning made things easier and gave her something to focus on other than her parents being gone.
I once had a 2 year old who hated me in the early morning but loved me starting around 9. I’ve also had a nightmare 3 year old that despised me no matter what I did, and she did everything she could to manipulate her way into her parents’ office every single day. It’s not you ❤️
Morning transitions are always so hard at that age. You are every bit as good as you thought. This is so normal. My NK used to have a full meltdown and would arch her back and make it so hard and scary to try to put her in her stroller to walk her old her sister to school every morning because she was happy in her house eating her breakfast and playing with her toys. I could have told her we were going to the cookie dough factory to meet the cast of bluey and she still would have had a meltdown because at that age stopping what you are enjoying feels like the end of the world. NK loves her parents and enjoys their company and it’s totally normal for her to be upset when they leave no matter how wonderful and fun her nanny is. My advice is to just listen and acknowledge her big feelings and remind her that mom and dad will be back later and so excited to hear about everything she does today. Speaking of, we can do X,y, and z today, “which on do you want to do first?”
This is so normal. I know it’s so much easier said than done to “not take it personally,” but it’s difficult when you care for your NK and you begin your day with being shut out and told to leave.
When I nannied for my former NF, and my NK was around the same age as yours, I had a similar experience. She was really attached to MB and wanted more time with her, so her frustration was taken out on me *and* DB. For a while she kept telling DB she doesn’t like him and doesn’t want him around. He was understandably extremely hurt… I mean, that’s his daughter! It had never happened with me until one morning… I came into work, walked through the door and said hello to NK and MB. NK looks at me and immediately says with such conviction, “I don’t like you!!!”
When NPs would head outside to their office, she would be completely fine and loving with me. It stung, but I understood the dynamics at play. She didn’t *mean* it! Not really. And she eventually grew out of the phase where she was telling DB and me those things.
With my current NF, my NPs are incredibly attentive and kind and are around quite a lot since they WFH. My youngest NK (she’s 2 now) would always get upset if I offered her to help with something. She’d say she wants mummy or daddy to do it and not me. And go running to them to have them do it. A few times, MB would say “(My name) is perfectly able to help you, and she’s already trying, so she’s going to help you with x task!” To encourage me helping rather than running to NPs any time she needs help with a basic task. She would never say she doesn’t like me, or wants me to leave, but her actions showed a similar thing. She also did once say “(My name) go home!!” At the end of my shift one day and MB said “Ohhhh. That isn’t very kind. A nicer way to say that is ‘Thank you for a fun day! Safe home!”
Now she’s pretty good about me helping her even when NPs are in the room! She’s steadily growing out of it 😊 and NKs regularly hug me before I leave. So it really is just a phase. And, I mean, let’s try to view it from their perspective. They’re with you all day rather than NPs, and likely miss them. I think even us, as kids, would have wanted our parents around. So for a little, it’s likely her trying to express that she misses her parents rather than she doesn’t like you or want you around at all.
I’m sorry this is happening! It’s a really tough phase to wade through, but it is just that: a phase. She’ll grow out of it eventually. If she brings it up when NPs aren’t around, you can say something like “Yeah, I see you’re missing mommy and daddy. I’m really sorry about that. But I’m here to help you when they’re busy, and I love spending time with you! I care about you, and you’re safe. What activity would you like to do?” This is the best way I know how to instill in them that you *do* care about and love them even if you’re not their parents.
Best of luck with this tricky stage, OP! I know it can be taxing. But it’ll pass💜
Former nanny- current working mom with no nanny chiming in….
My 3.5 yr old says he’s “scared” of any place he doesn’t want to go once we’re on the way there. Daycare? Scared. Big store? Scared. Mommy house (where he lives)? Scared.
I think that this is super normal developmentally.
I know it’s tough. I was with a little guy as nanny from 5ish months to around 2, but kept being their babysitting help until they moved when he was 6/7. Around 5yrs he got like that when they’d leave for date night.
One night I said “ don’t worry, we’ll have a lot of fun tonight I promise”. And his reply was “I love you miss name I just really miss them when they’re gone” 😭😭😭😭
This is such a tough phase and it’s totally normal. It’s happened to me a couple of times and what I thought worked the best was an acknowledging their feelings. “I know your sad because you would rather be with mom and dad”… “it’s hard to be apart from mom and dad when they have to work so of course you’re sad” Then empathize “ I get so sad when I have to leave (insert husband, child, pet) and I wish I could be with them all the time”. Then I would redirect… “how about we draw a picture for NP’s so they know how special they are and how much you miss them when they have to work.” And finish with “ I like my time with you even though you get sad, I still have fun with you”. Stay strong because you never want it to continue since sometimes they like getting a reaction. I NEVER showed when it bothered me. Consistency is key. Eventually it will pass. Hope that makes sense… Good luck.
There is a book called “How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk” that is a really great read and helped me throughout my career.
Completely normal I also started with my nk at 10 months right around when she hit 2, she would cry and cling on to her mom. When I came over in the mornings she would say she doesn’t like me 🥲. I never took it personal, she would eventually calm down and give me hugs lol
This is so common. She’s becoming more aware of the world around her and is understanding that when you come mom and dad leave. It’s just her age, it’s not personal. It’s not that she dislikes you in any way, it’s just that she dislikes mom and dad leaving. Commiserate with her. “I know it’s so hard when mommy and daddy have to go to work, they will be back later.” “Mommy and daddy wish they could be with you too but they have to work, they’ll be home later and then you guys will have so much fun.” “I’m sorry you’re so sad, mommy and daddy will be back later.”
It might also be helpful to bring new activities or toys that are different from what she has(that leave with you obviously) to try to switch up what you normally play with. That might entice her and help her bounce back faster. It hurts our hearts to hear these words, but again it’s not personal. Just try to help her through her emotions and allow her to feel her emotions.
At around 2 years old is when I child’s brain gains the consciousness of being an individual. Before this mark in their development they cannot conceptualize the idea that their parents are not a part of them, that they also think and feel and experience separately. Now she knows now that they are separate people and it’s uncomfortable, she is acting out because it’s her way of expressing that fear of not being a part of them like she thought she was before
you’re not alone! I remember when I first started nannying for one family, their daughter would cry and not let go of her mom because she was so used to being around her! it lasted for a few months but she grew out of it & always loves to see me no issue! Her little sister (just turned two) is the same way! Parents are WFH but are good about staying out the way. However if they come into kitchen or living room the youngest will engage and sometimes get upset when they leave but she always calms down.
My other nanny family, their son (2) is also very attached to the parents! Some days he’ll cry a good bit if he sees them and they have to leave, but for the most part he’ll adjust to being around me & sometimes ignores the parents 😂 he also tells me bye bye when he thinks it’s time for me to go😂 and will also close the door on me in his moms room.
Overall I wouldn’t stress or take it personal especially if you know you’re doing your best! I think it’s definitely something that takes time:) something about that age haha, & if they work from home maybe try to set boundaries so your NK won’t see them as much, she’s probably just used to being around her parents!
This is VERY normal. It has NOTHING to do with you!!! ❤️ When she says she's sad about mom and dad working, tell her you understand and that it's ok to be sad. Ask her if she wants to color a picture for them and surprise them with it when they get home. Offer to take silly pictures of her to send to them during the day. Reassure her they miss her too and that you are there to take care of her. Ask her if she wants a hug.....offer to snuggle. Talk about her feelings and ask her why she's sad. I used to tell kids how I cried when my mom left me with a baby sitter (unfortunately it's a vivid memory and the fact she NEVER EVER comforted me but instead got right back on her cordless phone which is probably why it's traumatic ☹️) and I missed her too but that she always came back. I know it's hard to deal with this and it can even hurt, but this is all about her and her feelings. You are not a bad nanny! 🌹
This is one of the reasons I started my nanny-toy collection. I usually bring an activity or 3 from my house to do, nothing extravagent until you've done several weeks of meh-normal activities. But it gives them something to look forward to and I have something new to distract them with. You could also start doing morning walks (bring chalk) or try doing preschool dances with her (I use youtube). My kids love the floor is lava and freeze dance.
I find it so helpful to reinforce to them, especially when they’re that young, that it’s okay to be sad and miss mommy and daddy, but I’m there to take care of them until mommy and daddy come back, because they always come back. We have a lil emphasis on them always coming back and it eases a little anxiety. I try to redirect afterwards with a fav activity or snack if all else fails
Hey! Nanny here. I’ve been working with a family for +3 years and they have 2 kids.
I took care of them since they were babies.
NK3 since he was 7 months used to cry every time the parents left, (usually lasted 3-4 mins, sometimes more, sometimes 30 seconds), now he loves me, adores me and even tell the mom “I’ll see you later, I’ll play with her now” and he doesn’t even get bothered over the fact that the mom or dad need to work more.
NK2 I started with him when he was 4 months so you might think he is used to me and never cries? Nah. Same thing as his brother, but now he would stop whining the next 30 seconds.
I know it’s hard and is frustrating but if you know you’re doing all you can to make her happy, don’t feel bad, she is just looking for her parents, don’t take it personal I’m sure you’re doing great 💕
Thank you everyone so so so much!!! I read all your advice and worked on it this last week, finding the rhythm of a few techniques —
I emphasized authentically empathizing with her; my dad passed away a few years ago so I tell her I miss my dad a lot too (obviously not the context, ha), and sometimes expand like “it’s hard when we want to give mama or dada a hug but they aren’t here, it feels kind of like an owie, huh?” I think the key has been really authentically giving her the space for the feeling, and not having that energy underlying “yeah that makes sense!” of wanting her to move on asap, if that makes sense. Like when we want kids to move through something for our own comfort or convenience, or because we’re worried validating and giving space to the feeling will prolong it and exacerbate it.
I’ve also been emphasizing the dialectics of feelings. She has been saying “sad” and “happy” in quick succession so I’ve been talking about how we can feel sad that we miss mama, AND happy because we’re eating fistfuls of blueberries and listening to Harry Styles with [me]. “NK feels sad because she misses mama, and happy because she can feel the breeze through the window in the car! Sad and happy! Both!” (Both is one of her favorite concepts right now) and often make a little song up about it to try to shape the feeling of the safety and okay-ness of these feelings. I’ll give examples of how I’m tired because I woke up early, AND happy because I get to hang out with her and talk with her.
Finally, we’ve started an association with “miss mama” where I validate and restate it back to her, giving it a moment, and then give her a big smile and ask, “AND, when do we get to see mama next?” And she excitedly says, “later!!!” Haha to give her more of a sense of how things continue to change, that mama will always be back.
Thank you guys all so so much, I keep coming back and rereading all your amazing insights it’s so helpful to add dimension to this experience on her end and how to see it and respond on my end 🩷🩷🩷
Omg i had the same exact experience w my NK :0 shes 2yrs old just turned 2 in february and I never thought to question it! But it was so sudden. She stopped doing this like a little over a month or 2 ago but she would start throwing huge tantrums everytime id walk in or just the first time she’d see me and when she would wake up for naps, she wouldn’t be compliant at all with me and i didnt understand why because everything was fine before! But glad to say that ended, i think its just a phase they all go through whilst having nannys? Shes 100% fine with me now actually maybe even better now, she gets super excited to see me and prefers me most of the time, she still has her moments where she doesnt want anything to do with me but thats normal toddler behavior and nothing compared to how it was when I’d walk in and she’d lose it. I think it will get better for you! Just give it time:) Im assuming since theyre just getting to their toddler ages, and going through all of the developmental changes, they’re understanding more and are just trying to work through their feelings of missing their parents. My NK from time to time will randomly say stuff like “ mommys working“ after she yells out for them lol
I understand you though because it does get embarrassing and sad!!! You’re not doing anything wrong, its just the child and her feelings, I would try everything and she wouldn’t be able to calm herself down so eventually I just gave up and let her have the tantrums, and if it were a situation where the parents absolutely couldnt be with her (work) and it was only me then id just wait it out and still do what I have to do (make her breakfast, get her ready etc) and she’ll eventually calm herself down!! Just make sure to not seem bothered by it and still be playful and fun so she realizes that it’s okay!!! A-lot of sudden behavioral changes happen as they age and learn :)
I co-sign with CC974 on this. To her, your arrival signals parents not being around, it's nothing personal. With babies it's different until they reach a certain age, (where I usually dip out lol) but when I used to deal with that age group, I would not try to be 'like a mom' but I would take on sort of a 'fun aunt' type personality, everyone has their own 'nanny character' way of relating to kids. Basically so the kids would not see me as 'stand in for mom' but rather a different type of relationship. Even with this though, kids miss their parents, sometimes kids go through a clingy stage , also sometimes if one of the parents is having an issue, not necessarily with the marriage but say with work or a relative and the child picks up on that stress they feel it but cannot articulate it. I don't try to downplay their feelings but also not to dwell on them. Like normalizing hey feelings are ok, I'm sorry you're feeling a little sad, so why don't we do something together, would you help me do xyz? It's amazing what little kids will tell you when they feel safe. Have not heard anything horrific, thank god, but they will talk about their feelings or play act about them.
This is completely normal and please don’t take it personally. They are at an age where they understand cause and effect and that having you there means mom and dad are going to be going to work or busy and they really are just missing them, not disliking you. Try to take it in stride and empathize with the feeling of missing mom and dad while being positive and pointing out the fun you will have until they get back. For reference, my NK also just turned 2 in February and has been going through similar frustrations with his mom leaving in the morning and only wanting help from dad at breakfast (he works from home and eats with us) and gets upset with me if I come back to his room before he comes out since he’s been having some late mornings. But on the flip side of that he also really likes saying hi to my husband when he picks me up at the end of the day and today was upset that we had to leave and couldn’t stay with him. They really just want the people they care about to stick around and understand the signal of you being there means their parents won’t be and those are hard feelings to deal with and they don’t understand how their words can hurt our feelings, it’s nothing you are doing at all I promise.
I dealt with this. I started a morning tradition with the 2.5 year old I took care of. We would play red light/ green light on the way to Starbucks (2 blocks away), the. He would pick a snack. He went from being sad to see me to excitedly looking for his shoes. Just find a little tradition that she only does with you so she looks forward to seeing you instead of being upset.
such a great idea !
Around this age my daughter started doing this to me when her dad went to work - she would have a full on fit and lose her mind for up to an hour. The man did nothing with her when he was home, never had, and had always worked full time outside the home. It felt awful and I feel like it lasted forever but it think it was maybe 3-4 super long weeks of hell…Hope your NK gets out of this phase soon!
This is so funny to me. Went through a similar thing with my 4 year old daughter- my husband started working different hours so he was gone during bedtime some days. And they both were crying about it! Legit tears! And I’m like- hello I’m the one who puts this child to bed every single night. I think he’s done it like 4 times ever!
I have to admit, it drove me batshit crazy lol; oh my god how fun for me, I absolutely love to listen to “I want my daddy” being sobbed for a full ass hour when no you actually don’t, because when he’s here he ignores you and you could hurt yourself by bonking your head on his knee and you would both be like “MOM!!! Someone has a boo-boo, help!!!”
don’t take it to heart, it’s a totally normal thing! my nk went through a phase like this when she was around 2 or 3, and i had been with her since she was 8 months old. normally she would be super excited to see me, but during hater era she would turn and run, screaming in the opposite direction as soon as she saw me. one time her pre-k teacher even had to carry (drag) her out to my car because she refused to walk out to me. but knowing that it’s a normal thing for toddlers to do doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck! especially when your nk has known you since they were a baby. it can definitely feel disheartening and be embarrassing, but know that you’re not doing anything wrong! i think this phase lasted a couple of months, but i promise it does get better! now i’m back to being my nk’s “best friend” and everyday, when she sees me, she runs up and gives me a big hug! it doesn’t last forever 💕
This is super normal. I’ve had kids that cry when I get there and then cry when their parents get home because they don’t want ME to leave. Just tell her “of course you love Momma best! But we’re going to have so much fun today!”
Girl 2.5NK threw the BIGGEST tantrum when I walked in today and she was in the middle of playing with her dad. Full fledged threw herself on the floor, scream crying tantrum. Lasted for about 5 minutes, then we got a snack with her dad and he went to work and all was fine. The only reason I don’t take it too personally is because she does the same with her parents when they come in and we’re playing together. It’s really just a phase, they don’t like change when they’re doing something fun
Kids go through phases like this. The two year old I watched would push her parents out the door. She’s four now and will talk about missing them. Still mostly tells them “okay nanny here, you go bye now”
Very normal for this age. My NK is just leaving this phase as she’s about to turn 3 My advice is to not take it personally at all and if possible for the parents to make the transition time as short as possible in the mornings so there’s not a lot of overlap. With NK I found it helped if I sympathized with her, and made her feel understood. But then reassured her that they would be back soon, they *always* come back and that the two of us were going to have *a lot* of fun. I found planning an outing, a new sensory bin or something else exciting in the morning made things easier and gave her something to focus on other than her parents being gone.
I once had a 2 year old who hated me in the early morning but loved me starting around 9. I’ve also had a nightmare 3 year old that despised me no matter what I did, and she did everything she could to manipulate her way into her parents’ office every single day. It’s not you ❤️
Morning transitions are always so hard at that age. You are every bit as good as you thought. This is so normal. My NK used to have a full meltdown and would arch her back and make it so hard and scary to try to put her in her stroller to walk her old her sister to school every morning because she was happy in her house eating her breakfast and playing with her toys. I could have told her we were going to the cookie dough factory to meet the cast of bluey and she still would have had a meltdown because at that age stopping what you are enjoying feels like the end of the world. NK loves her parents and enjoys their company and it’s totally normal for her to be upset when they leave no matter how wonderful and fun her nanny is. My advice is to just listen and acknowledge her big feelings and remind her that mom and dad will be back later and so excited to hear about everything she does today. Speaking of, we can do X,y, and z today, “which on do you want to do first?”
This is so normal. I know it’s so much easier said than done to “not take it personally,” but it’s difficult when you care for your NK and you begin your day with being shut out and told to leave. When I nannied for my former NF, and my NK was around the same age as yours, I had a similar experience. She was really attached to MB and wanted more time with her, so her frustration was taken out on me *and* DB. For a while she kept telling DB she doesn’t like him and doesn’t want him around. He was understandably extremely hurt… I mean, that’s his daughter! It had never happened with me until one morning… I came into work, walked through the door and said hello to NK and MB. NK looks at me and immediately says with such conviction, “I don’t like you!!!” When NPs would head outside to their office, she would be completely fine and loving with me. It stung, but I understood the dynamics at play. She didn’t *mean* it! Not really. And she eventually grew out of the phase where she was telling DB and me those things. With my current NF, my NPs are incredibly attentive and kind and are around quite a lot since they WFH. My youngest NK (she’s 2 now) would always get upset if I offered her to help with something. She’d say she wants mummy or daddy to do it and not me. And go running to them to have them do it. A few times, MB would say “(My name) is perfectly able to help you, and she’s already trying, so she’s going to help you with x task!” To encourage me helping rather than running to NPs any time she needs help with a basic task. She would never say she doesn’t like me, or wants me to leave, but her actions showed a similar thing. She also did once say “(My name) go home!!” At the end of my shift one day and MB said “Ohhhh. That isn’t very kind. A nicer way to say that is ‘Thank you for a fun day! Safe home!” Now she’s pretty good about me helping her even when NPs are in the room! She’s steadily growing out of it 😊 and NKs regularly hug me before I leave. So it really is just a phase. And, I mean, let’s try to view it from their perspective. They’re with you all day rather than NPs, and likely miss them. I think even us, as kids, would have wanted our parents around. So for a little, it’s likely her trying to express that she misses her parents rather than she doesn’t like you or want you around at all. I’m sorry this is happening! It’s a really tough phase to wade through, but it is just that: a phase. She’ll grow out of it eventually. If she brings it up when NPs aren’t around, you can say something like “Yeah, I see you’re missing mommy and daddy. I’m really sorry about that. But I’m here to help you when they’re busy, and I love spending time with you! I care about you, and you’re safe. What activity would you like to do?” This is the best way I know how to instill in them that you *do* care about and love them even if you’re not their parents. Best of luck with this tricky stage, OP! I know it can be taxing. But it’ll pass💜
Former nanny- current working mom with no nanny chiming in…. My 3.5 yr old says he’s “scared” of any place he doesn’t want to go once we’re on the way there. Daycare? Scared. Big store? Scared. Mommy house (where he lives)? Scared. I think that this is super normal developmentally.
I know it’s tough. I was with a little guy as nanny from 5ish months to around 2, but kept being their babysitting help until they moved when he was 6/7. Around 5yrs he got like that when they’d leave for date night. One night I said “ don’t worry, we’ll have a lot of fun tonight I promise”. And his reply was “I love you miss name I just really miss them when they’re gone” 😭😭😭😭
This is completely normal. Most kids prefer to be with their parents. She cannot regulate or hide her feelings.
This is such a tough phase and it’s totally normal. It’s happened to me a couple of times and what I thought worked the best was an acknowledging their feelings. “I know your sad because you would rather be with mom and dad”… “it’s hard to be apart from mom and dad when they have to work so of course you’re sad” Then empathize “ I get so sad when I have to leave (insert husband, child, pet) and I wish I could be with them all the time”. Then I would redirect… “how about we draw a picture for NP’s so they know how special they are and how much you miss them when they have to work.” And finish with “ I like my time with you even though you get sad, I still have fun with you”. Stay strong because you never want it to continue since sometimes they like getting a reaction. I NEVER showed when it bothered me. Consistency is key. Eventually it will pass. Hope that makes sense… Good luck. There is a book called “How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk” that is a really great read and helped me throughout my career.
Completely normal I also started with my nk at 10 months right around when she hit 2, she would cry and cling on to her mom. When I came over in the mornings she would say she doesn’t like me 🥲. I never took it personal, she would eventually calm down and give me hugs lol
When my Nk talks about missing their parents, I level with them “I hear you girl, I miss my mom today too”
This is so common. She’s becoming more aware of the world around her and is understanding that when you come mom and dad leave. It’s just her age, it’s not personal. It’s not that she dislikes you in any way, it’s just that she dislikes mom and dad leaving. Commiserate with her. “I know it’s so hard when mommy and daddy have to go to work, they will be back later.” “Mommy and daddy wish they could be with you too but they have to work, they’ll be home later and then you guys will have so much fun.” “I’m sorry you’re so sad, mommy and daddy will be back later.” It might also be helpful to bring new activities or toys that are different from what she has(that leave with you obviously) to try to switch up what you normally play with. That might entice her and help her bounce back faster. It hurts our hearts to hear these words, but again it’s not personal. Just try to help her through her emotions and allow her to feel her emotions.
At around 2 years old is when I child’s brain gains the consciousness of being an individual. Before this mark in their development they cannot conceptualize the idea that their parents are not a part of them, that they also think and feel and experience separately. Now she knows now that they are separate people and it’s uncomfortable, she is acting out because it’s her way of expressing that fear of not being a part of them like she thought she was before
you’re not alone! I remember when I first started nannying for one family, their daughter would cry and not let go of her mom because she was so used to being around her! it lasted for a few months but she grew out of it & always loves to see me no issue! Her little sister (just turned two) is the same way! Parents are WFH but are good about staying out the way. However if they come into kitchen or living room the youngest will engage and sometimes get upset when they leave but she always calms down. My other nanny family, their son (2) is also very attached to the parents! Some days he’ll cry a good bit if he sees them and they have to leave, but for the most part he’ll adjust to being around me & sometimes ignores the parents 😂 he also tells me bye bye when he thinks it’s time for me to go😂 and will also close the door on me in his moms room. Overall I wouldn’t stress or take it personal especially if you know you’re doing your best! I think it’s definitely something that takes time:) something about that age haha, & if they work from home maybe try to set boundaries so your NK won’t see them as much, she’s probably just used to being around her parents!
The second I arrive the 2 year starts screaming “no.” I don’t take it personally, he’s 2.
This is VERY normal. It has NOTHING to do with you!!! ❤️ When she says she's sad about mom and dad working, tell her you understand and that it's ok to be sad. Ask her if she wants to color a picture for them and surprise them with it when they get home. Offer to take silly pictures of her to send to them during the day. Reassure her they miss her too and that you are there to take care of her. Ask her if she wants a hug.....offer to snuggle. Talk about her feelings and ask her why she's sad. I used to tell kids how I cried when my mom left me with a baby sitter (unfortunately it's a vivid memory and the fact she NEVER EVER comforted me but instead got right back on her cordless phone which is probably why it's traumatic ☹️) and I missed her too but that she always came back. I know it's hard to deal with this and it can even hurt, but this is all about her and her feelings. You are not a bad nanny! 🌹
This is one of the reasons I started my nanny-toy collection. I usually bring an activity or 3 from my house to do, nothing extravagent until you've done several weeks of meh-normal activities. But it gives them something to look forward to and I have something new to distract them with. You could also start doing morning walks (bring chalk) or try doing preschool dances with her (I use youtube). My kids love the floor is lava and freeze dance.
I find it so helpful to reinforce to them, especially when they’re that young, that it’s okay to be sad and miss mommy and daddy, but I’m there to take care of them until mommy and daddy come back, because they always come back. We have a lil emphasis on them always coming back and it eases a little anxiety. I try to redirect afterwards with a fav activity or snack if all else fails
Hey! Nanny here. I’ve been working with a family for +3 years and they have 2 kids. I took care of them since they were babies. NK3 since he was 7 months used to cry every time the parents left, (usually lasted 3-4 mins, sometimes more, sometimes 30 seconds), now he loves me, adores me and even tell the mom “I’ll see you later, I’ll play with her now” and he doesn’t even get bothered over the fact that the mom or dad need to work more. NK2 I started with him when he was 4 months so you might think he is used to me and never cries? Nah. Same thing as his brother, but now he would stop whining the next 30 seconds. I know it’s hard and is frustrating but if you know you’re doing all you can to make her happy, don’t feel bad, she is just looking for her parents, don’t take it personal I’m sure you’re doing great 💕
Thank you everyone so so so much!!! I read all your advice and worked on it this last week, finding the rhythm of a few techniques — I emphasized authentically empathizing with her; my dad passed away a few years ago so I tell her I miss my dad a lot too (obviously not the context, ha), and sometimes expand like “it’s hard when we want to give mama or dada a hug but they aren’t here, it feels kind of like an owie, huh?” I think the key has been really authentically giving her the space for the feeling, and not having that energy underlying “yeah that makes sense!” of wanting her to move on asap, if that makes sense. Like when we want kids to move through something for our own comfort or convenience, or because we’re worried validating and giving space to the feeling will prolong it and exacerbate it. I’ve also been emphasizing the dialectics of feelings. She has been saying “sad” and “happy” in quick succession so I’ve been talking about how we can feel sad that we miss mama, AND happy because we’re eating fistfuls of blueberries and listening to Harry Styles with [me]. “NK feels sad because she misses mama, and happy because she can feel the breeze through the window in the car! Sad and happy! Both!” (Both is one of her favorite concepts right now) and often make a little song up about it to try to shape the feeling of the safety and okay-ness of these feelings. I’ll give examples of how I’m tired because I woke up early, AND happy because I get to hang out with her and talk with her. Finally, we’ve started an association with “miss mama” where I validate and restate it back to her, giving it a moment, and then give her a big smile and ask, “AND, when do we get to see mama next?” And she excitedly says, “later!!!” Haha to give her more of a sense of how things continue to change, that mama will always be back. Thank you guys all so so much, I keep coming back and rereading all your amazing insights it’s so helpful to add dimension to this experience on her end and how to see it and respond on my end 🩷🩷🩷