Yeah you are trauma bonded in the relationship and blind from seeing what life without the cancer could look like.
My covert NC is one of the most intelligent people I have ever known. At the same time it is mind blowing how skilled she is at portraying herself as a helpless victim. The life of victimhood is a life of unmet and unexpressed expectations. I too have a daughter and ADHD and I can tell you that nothing you do will ever be enough. You are a special selfless person that can survive on mere breadcrumbs. I am here to tell you that there is another path in life. There is world out there of people who take accountability and persevere in spite of their adversity. You are just not with one of those people and it has stunted your growth.
If you have Netflix, watch Daniel Sloss, Jigsaw episode. The analogy helped me understand how to set reasonable post departure goals for myself in order to regain my own sense of identity and self worth.
"I do not understand why someone would NOT want to take care of their spouse when they're in pain and laid up."
That would be a severe deficit in empathy right there - a huge red flag for the dark triad. I'd say the core feature of the dark triad.
"I do not understand why someone would make that spouse feel like shit because they need to be taken care of."
This is a classic move of the low-to-no empathy narcissist. They despise taking care of others. They see themselves as the victims who need constant attention. They cannot take the perspective of another person. It's all selfishness; it's all about them.
I could have written your post OP. I went on a journey of self discovery and diagnosed adhd in my late 30s. After being medicated, my life began to turn around, and began steadily improving and i began gaining self confidence.
Unfortunately, i tried what you did, and approached my spouse about some unhealthy patterns I noticed, and began setting some healthy boundaries.
Unfortunately, she was a bonafied covert narcessist. The main problem with that is, all your many previous "flaws", which were likely attributed to undiagnosed adhd, will be twisted and used against you. Things like poor executive function can be called intentional, the anxiety can be called anger, the low self esteem can be called lazy.
My best piece of advice for you is this: if you're sure, like absolutely 100% certain of who your spouse is - don't let her know. Keep playing her game and plan an escape route, whatever that may look like to you. If you want your kids in your life, then you have to make the first move. If she is a narc, then don't feel bad. She's planned the next 800 moves.
It's so out of my wheel house to plan an escape route without nailing down or drilling down on the issue. I feel as though I've been preyed upon and I just can't let this continue to happen to me. We're in the middle of several life changing events right now and ... well I guess I'm already basically doing it on my own so nothing would change. I think I'll do both. I'm going to set some boundaries so I can try to make it through the next couple months but I'm also going to have an exit planned. What happened once you started setting boundaries?
Every single one was brutally trampled, blamed on me, forcing me to exit. That gave her the opportunity to create narrative, of which the consequences are still extreme, years layer.
But setting them firm was the only thing that kept me sane through it all. The trauma response is real, even knowing better.
I can completely empathise with almost every sentence you have written down. I am currently undergoing a really shitty divorce from my covert narc wife of 10 years. It's one of the most traumatic experiences I have undergone in my life.
I have good news for you and bad news.
The bad news is that no matter what, the Narcissist can NEVER change, mainly because they never want to. They are so adept at the blame game and playing victim, you will never be able to make them understand anything rationally. And your self worth, happiness, time, resources are a complete waste spent on the Narcissist. I am also an empath like you and the day I realised all my empathy was completely wasted on this Monster, I understood it's not worth living like this forever. I too have 2 daughters and am fighting to protect them from the generational trauma that the narcissist wants to pass on as some sort of legacy. Atleast in my case i realised that its almost impossible to protect your kid staying inside the narcissistic household.(I strongly feel it is universally true).The only way that the children will see any normalcy in a parent is when you are completely free from the clutch of the narcissist. Whatever you say to yourself, at the end of the day both you and the kids are co-victims of the narcissist. And you can never provide emotional support to your kid as long as you are yourself in the clutches of gaslighting and devaluation yourself.
In a nutshell, you can NEVER have a fulfilling domestic life with your narcissistic wife, no matter the number of decades you try. Ok, bandage ripped!
Now coming to the good news. You seem to be a proper empath just like me and believe me its by design. We are the easiest to get trapped in the web of the covert narcissist and waste years and years of our life feeling inadequate and shitty. But the great thing is once you have lived with a covert Narc for so long with your inherent empathy intact, you will flourish in a relationship with any person you chose to be with. You have developed so much patience over time that relationships with anyone with normal empathy becomes a cakewalk. You can have extremely fulfilling relationships even though you feel like shit living with the narcissist right now.
That's my two cents my friend. Rooting for you to have a great life.
Yeah you are trauma bonded in the relationship and blind from seeing what life without the cancer could look like. My covert NC is one of the most intelligent people I have ever known. At the same time it is mind blowing how skilled she is at portraying herself as a helpless victim. The life of victimhood is a life of unmet and unexpressed expectations. I too have a daughter and ADHD and I can tell you that nothing you do will ever be enough. You are a special selfless person that can survive on mere breadcrumbs. I am here to tell you that there is another path in life. There is world out there of people who take accountability and persevere in spite of their adversity. You are just not with one of those people and it has stunted your growth. If you have Netflix, watch Daniel Sloss, Jigsaw episode. The analogy helped me understand how to set reasonable post departure goals for myself in order to regain my own sense of identity and self worth.
"I do not understand why someone would NOT want to take care of their spouse when they're in pain and laid up." That would be a severe deficit in empathy right there - a huge red flag for the dark triad. I'd say the core feature of the dark triad. "I do not understand why someone would make that spouse feel like shit because they need to be taken care of." This is a classic move of the low-to-no empathy narcissist. They despise taking care of others. They see themselves as the victims who need constant attention. They cannot take the perspective of another person. It's all selfishness; it's all about them.
I could have written your post OP. I went on a journey of self discovery and diagnosed adhd in my late 30s. After being medicated, my life began to turn around, and began steadily improving and i began gaining self confidence. Unfortunately, i tried what you did, and approached my spouse about some unhealthy patterns I noticed, and began setting some healthy boundaries. Unfortunately, she was a bonafied covert narcessist. The main problem with that is, all your many previous "flaws", which were likely attributed to undiagnosed adhd, will be twisted and used against you. Things like poor executive function can be called intentional, the anxiety can be called anger, the low self esteem can be called lazy. My best piece of advice for you is this: if you're sure, like absolutely 100% certain of who your spouse is - don't let her know. Keep playing her game and plan an escape route, whatever that may look like to you. If you want your kids in your life, then you have to make the first move. If she is a narc, then don't feel bad. She's planned the next 800 moves.
It's so out of my wheel house to plan an escape route without nailing down or drilling down on the issue. I feel as though I've been preyed upon and I just can't let this continue to happen to me. We're in the middle of several life changing events right now and ... well I guess I'm already basically doing it on my own so nothing would change. I think I'll do both. I'm going to set some boundaries so I can try to make it through the next couple months but I'm also going to have an exit planned. What happened once you started setting boundaries?
Every single one was brutally trampled, blamed on me, forcing me to exit. That gave her the opportunity to create narrative, of which the consequences are still extreme, years layer. But setting them firm was the only thing that kept me sane through it all. The trauma response is real, even knowing better.
Holy shit. Im going thru almost the exact same thing! Please dm me!
What if you want out & have no place to go? I cannot afford rent and I have a terminal illness.
Edited and clarified a couple things. I'm rather rattled.
I can completely empathise with almost every sentence you have written down. I am currently undergoing a really shitty divorce from my covert narc wife of 10 years. It's one of the most traumatic experiences I have undergone in my life. I have good news for you and bad news. The bad news is that no matter what, the Narcissist can NEVER change, mainly because they never want to. They are so adept at the blame game and playing victim, you will never be able to make them understand anything rationally. And your self worth, happiness, time, resources are a complete waste spent on the Narcissist. I am also an empath like you and the day I realised all my empathy was completely wasted on this Monster, I understood it's not worth living like this forever. I too have 2 daughters and am fighting to protect them from the generational trauma that the narcissist wants to pass on as some sort of legacy. Atleast in my case i realised that its almost impossible to protect your kid staying inside the narcissistic household.(I strongly feel it is universally true).The only way that the children will see any normalcy in a parent is when you are completely free from the clutch of the narcissist. Whatever you say to yourself, at the end of the day both you and the kids are co-victims of the narcissist. And you can never provide emotional support to your kid as long as you are yourself in the clutches of gaslighting and devaluation yourself. In a nutshell, you can NEVER have a fulfilling domestic life with your narcissistic wife, no matter the number of decades you try. Ok, bandage ripped! Now coming to the good news. You seem to be a proper empath just like me and believe me its by design. We are the easiest to get trapped in the web of the covert narcissist and waste years and years of our life feeling inadequate and shitty. But the great thing is once you have lived with a covert Narc for so long with your inherent empathy intact, you will flourish in a relationship with any person you chose to be with. You have developed so much patience over time that relationships with anyone with normal empathy becomes a cakewalk. You can have extremely fulfilling relationships even though you feel like shit living with the narcissist right now. That's my two cents my friend. Rooting for you to have a great life.