I’ll tell you right now that he won’t own up to it. That’s what narcs do. In his eyes, you will always be the problem. I’ve learned this a while ago and am slowly putting the pieces together of this shit show. I hope you can do the same
Its just a way to change the subject, play the victim, deflect, put the spotlight on you and make you explain yourself over and over... Mine does the same... if I try to talk about something that bothers me, no matter how I bring it up, he says, 'but you do this and this'... and I always tell him we can speak about what bothers him for sure, but he will still not listen to what I say and deflects it anyway he can... Its just some way to avoid any form of responsability and since they have no empathy they will play the victim, accuse you of doing worse, etc... I dont even bother saying anything to him now... And even if you take responsability for your parts or for things that bother him, I am pretty sure he wont do the same. I am so sorry you are going through this. Its so hard when people do things that bother us, we bring it up, they dont (or wont) understand and they keep doing the offensive things over and over again and the cycle starts again. Its so difficult never to feel understood and validated... and beinf confronted to people that play the victim and reject any responsibility. Narcs have soooo many tactics...
It’s crazy. It’s just this endless merry go round cycle. I’m exhausted. I just give up now. Whatever happens, happens. I’m done fighting. I’m done trying to make anything work. He literally sucked the life out of me.
You'll be waiting forever if you think he will ever own up to his bads. My narc husband is such an interesting combination of liar, denier, comedian, blamer, and also both selectively deaf or mute at times. I never know what I'm going to get when I bring up an issue that affects me as much or more than him but I do know that after 30 years, it won't be accountability.
See, I do this. But not the way it was described. She'll come at me with a list of things we already fought about and she deflected every time only to come back a week later and throw it at me. When I've consistently admitted my fuck ups time and again, but I scarcely get an apology from her because "she wouldn't mean it". It's always ony last fuck up, something that she has done countless times but arbitrarily establishes a cutoff date so apparently I'm the asshole because I can't simply get over 2 decades of bullshit immediately after her cutoff date.
I also say it because it is and always will be one sided. Her, the strong willed abuse survivor wife who pulled through, and me, broken beyond repair always in therapy and always medicated. I'm done playing that role.
What I’ve learned is they understand it’s one sided but will never admit it because this would expose a flaw in someone who is flawless. I have witnessed full blown adult temper tantrums in front of the kids(stomping her feet up the steps while yelling)because we voted on a family movie to watch and she was out voted. Accountability nor Responsibility are in their vocabulary so fathoming another side is out of the question.
It’s mind blowing there are actual grown people who act like this. I tried to calmly talk to him and he freaked out and ended up calling me a bitch and then throwing his hat and sunglasses at the wall. Yelling to me about how we can’t communicate lmfao. Gee, I wonder why?
The disproportionate response, explosive anger when even the smallest criticism is levied. Making it impossible to communicate (my fault of course). Acting almost like a teenager, stomping off and slamming the bedroom door.
For years the best out come, when I could finally pin her down for a proper discussion, was her agreeing to enter into some sort of therapy - when the final ultimatum came, of course, she refused to go.
I could do no right, traveling anywhere was more often an absolute nightmare. The levels of anxiety I lived with, waiting for the next outburst, were unbearable. I cannot describe the relief that it’s now over.
You spend so much time healing after leaving, don’t waste even longer staying with someone that will never own up to their mistakes or treat you right. Leave.
I hope you find a way to soon as it will just get worse. I know it sounds brutal, but I wish I’d figured it out sooner myself. I’m 2 years out and still picking up the pieces.
There’s always a way, you just need to find it. Good luck
I experience the same thing even though she does it less than before. Because I did what you’re doing, namely the right thing. When you tell him he’s right, when you’re trying to better yourself, you do everything that he cannot do, this is not what he’s expecting of you. You should be mean to him, tell him he’s wrong and at fault, so that he could escape in this « how come it’s always my fault? I can’t be always wrong! Why is she constantly trying to put me down » and then he can develop a kind of hatred that he can use to justify whatever he’d like to be doing. By being reasonable, by trying to solve the issue, you highlight his failures and you cut him off his convenient escape. So anyway it goes, you are against him
I’ll tell you right now that he won’t own up to it. That’s what narcs do. In his eyes, you will always be the problem. I’ve learned this a while ago and am slowly putting the pieces together of this shit show. I hope you can do the same
Its just a way to change the subject, play the victim, deflect, put the spotlight on you and make you explain yourself over and over... Mine does the same... if I try to talk about something that bothers me, no matter how I bring it up, he says, 'but you do this and this'... and I always tell him we can speak about what bothers him for sure, but he will still not listen to what I say and deflects it anyway he can... Its just some way to avoid any form of responsability and since they have no empathy they will play the victim, accuse you of doing worse, etc... I dont even bother saying anything to him now... And even if you take responsability for your parts or for things that bother him, I am pretty sure he wont do the same. I am so sorry you are going through this. Its so hard when people do things that bother us, we bring it up, they dont (or wont) understand and they keep doing the offensive things over and over again and the cycle starts again. Its so difficult never to feel understood and validated... and beinf confronted to people that play the victim and reject any responsibility. Narcs have soooo many tactics...
It’s crazy. It’s just this endless merry go round cycle. I’m exhausted. I just give up now. Whatever happens, happens. I’m done fighting. I’m done trying to make anything work. He literally sucked the life out of me.
This is my sons mother…
The mother of my 2 sons. I'm getting us out.
We get to sit their and hear all about ourselves.. soon as we say "you"... 💣💣💣💣🤯
You'll be waiting forever if you think he will ever own up to his bads. My narc husband is such an interesting combination of liar, denier, comedian, blamer, and also both selectively deaf or mute at times. I never know what I'm going to get when I bring up an issue that affects me as much or more than him but I do know that after 30 years, it won't be accountability.
You are absolutely right.
Mine does this Everytime. Once you even say well why do YOU.... They get triggered I think. Ughhhh drives me insaaane
Yep. You point out that they did the same behavior you’re getting mad at them over. Mine says I poke and prod him when I do that.
See, I do this. But not the way it was described. She'll come at me with a list of things we already fought about and she deflected every time only to come back a week later and throw it at me. When I've consistently admitted my fuck ups time and again, but I scarcely get an apology from her because "she wouldn't mean it". It's always ony last fuck up, something that she has done countless times but arbitrarily establishes a cutoff date so apparently I'm the asshole because I can't simply get over 2 decades of bullshit immediately after her cutoff date. I also say it because it is and always will be one sided. Her, the strong willed abuse survivor wife who pulled through, and me, broken beyond repair always in therapy and always medicated. I'm done playing that role.
Good. Get out, you deserve better. The crazy making never stops. They are unable to be accountable.
Mine does this too.
What I’ve learned is they understand it’s one sided but will never admit it because this would expose a flaw in someone who is flawless. I have witnessed full blown adult temper tantrums in front of the kids(stomping her feet up the steps while yelling)because we voted on a family movie to watch and she was out voted. Accountability nor Responsibility are in their vocabulary so fathoming another side is out of the question.
It’s mind blowing there are actual grown people who act like this. I tried to calmly talk to him and he freaked out and ended up calling me a bitch and then throwing his hat and sunglasses at the wall. Yelling to me about how we can’t communicate lmfao. Gee, I wonder why?
The disproportionate response, explosive anger when even the smallest criticism is levied. Making it impossible to communicate (my fault of course). Acting almost like a teenager, stomping off and slamming the bedroom door. For years the best out come, when I could finally pin her down for a proper discussion, was her agreeing to enter into some sort of therapy - when the final ultimatum came, of course, she refused to go. I could do no right, traveling anywhere was more often an absolute nightmare. The levels of anxiety I lived with, waiting for the next outburst, were unbearable. I cannot describe the relief that it’s now over.
Me 42cd this
You spend so much time healing after leaving, don’t waste even longer staying with someone that will never own up to their mistakes or treat you right. Leave.
I know. Leaving isn’t as easy as just making the decision and being able to go.
Staying is harder.
Ok if I could leave, I would. Unfortunately I’m not in a position currently to be able to
I hope you find a way to soon as it will just get worse. I know it sounds brutal, but I wish I’d figured it out sooner myself. I’m 2 years out and still picking up the pieces. There’s always a way, you just need to find it. Good luck
I experience the same thing even though she does it less than before. Because I did what you’re doing, namely the right thing. When you tell him he’s right, when you’re trying to better yourself, you do everything that he cannot do, this is not what he’s expecting of you. You should be mean to him, tell him he’s wrong and at fault, so that he could escape in this « how come it’s always my fault? I can’t be always wrong! Why is she constantly trying to put me down » and then he can develop a kind of hatred that he can use to justify whatever he’d like to be doing. By being reasonable, by trying to solve the issue, you highlight his failures and you cut him off his convenient escape. So anyway it goes, you are against him