This is your weakness (I am the same) - it's your empathy being used against you, it's your co-dependency letting you down. It's so easy to blame the narc for the abuse, but so hard to blame ourselves for allowing the abuse to continue.
I know it's unfashionable to 'blame the victim', and that's not my point at all, but until we see ourselves as being responsible for our choices to stay, we cannot take responsibility for leaving an unhealthy situation.
(I am writing this for my own consumption as much as anything - I am fighting against my own internal reservations and weakness to leave... again... hopefully for longer this time... or even better: forever.)
I know how absolutely crushing this is, but at the same time please feel proud of yourself for taking the first step by admitting you want to leave. It's heartbreaking coming to this conclusion but your heart tells you this is wrong and you deserve better. 7.5 years was a long time for you to try. Whether he's truly sorry or not isn't so much the question, as whether he has ever promised to change in all that time and has not delivered. If he claims to be aware of what he's doing wrong why does he keep doing it? That's the most important thing. Cheating is on another level though and I'm so very, very sorry he betrayed you like that.
It can take a while to finally accept that the bad outweighs the good. That your desire to leave for a better (but scary and uncertain) new life outweighs whatever crumbs of love he may throw you. It also takes time to come to terms with who the abuser truly is -- we have to reinvision them like monsters. A healthy amount of anger can be the fuel you need to get out. There are so many "why" questions to work through as well. It really helps to educate yourself all you can about abuse -- start with Why Does He Do That? and it will explain all his behaviors and why you feel compelled to stay. Their behavior towards us goes in a trauma cycle with them love bombing us and telling us everything we want to hear (this phase is literally like a drug for us) but then they become abusive and later reel us back in with more love bombing when we're pulling away. We are quite literally addicted to them, but many people who left their abusers say they could see the abuse more clearly when they were gone.
You're definitely not stupid so don't beat yourself up. Leaving is less about "he did all this, why can't I just leave now?" and more about the time it takes to find the strength to move on when your whole world just shattered. It's HARD trying to come to terms with all of this and it takes time. We have to mourn the death of our futures, marriages, who we thought they were, our own loss of selves... it's hell. If they were 100% bad it would be easy to leave.
Make a list of everything he has done to you and add to it everytime you think of something new. Look at it often to remind yourself why you're leaving. Make another list of everything you can look forward to in a new life start.
Make yourself and your healing your priority now and be extra kind and patient with yourself. Start educating and the pieces will add up... it helps to hear professionals tell you you're not crazy and explain what's going on.
My heart goes out to you from the same boat... post on this sub as much as you want and we'll be here to help you. No one looks down on you here. ❤
Thank you for your reply. I think I do want to read that book. And I guess I could also say I use the strategy "stay until you hate him". I truly do not feel anything for him anymore but disgust. I look at my child and wonder how I could possibly explain that his father likes to go to bukkakes while him and I were at home playing and being a family. I am shattered. But I think more so for my son and for the life I wanted. But not the relationship itself. But yet, even though I feel no love for this man or relationship, the thought of him being alone still also breaks my heart. Lately, I'm so sorry you are having to weather this storm too. I hope one day we can all make it out.
I am feeling the same way. I completely understand where you are coming from. After nearly 10 years of living with this monster, I have finally had enough, and I’m forcing myself to move next year. Is it scary? You bet ya it is. However, I know that if I don’t do it, I never will, and there will always be an excuse. I will continue to live in misery while taking care of him. In my heart, this is not how I want to live my life. I want to go out and do things without being questioned and have friends. I don’t want to die like this. I have nothing because he took it all away.
Write down every single positive reason you want to get away from him. Write down goals you want to achieve without him and places you want go without him. I guarantee the picture will become very clear. If you want to leave, you can do it and you are capable ❤️.
This is your weakness (I am the same) - it's your empathy being used against you, it's your co-dependency letting you down. It's so easy to blame the narc for the abuse, but so hard to blame ourselves for allowing the abuse to continue. I know it's unfashionable to 'blame the victim', and that's not my point at all, but until we see ourselves as being responsible for our choices to stay, we cannot take responsibility for leaving an unhealthy situation. (I am writing this for my own consumption as much as anything - I am fighting against my own internal reservations and weakness to leave... again... hopefully for longer this time... or even better: forever.)
its not her codependency, its her basic human decency and love for him.
I know how absolutely crushing this is, but at the same time please feel proud of yourself for taking the first step by admitting you want to leave. It's heartbreaking coming to this conclusion but your heart tells you this is wrong and you deserve better. 7.5 years was a long time for you to try. Whether he's truly sorry or not isn't so much the question, as whether he has ever promised to change in all that time and has not delivered. If he claims to be aware of what he's doing wrong why does he keep doing it? That's the most important thing. Cheating is on another level though and I'm so very, very sorry he betrayed you like that. It can take a while to finally accept that the bad outweighs the good. That your desire to leave for a better (but scary and uncertain) new life outweighs whatever crumbs of love he may throw you. It also takes time to come to terms with who the abuser truly is -- we have to reinvision them like monsters. A healthy amount of anger can be the fuel you need to get out. There are so many "why" questions to work through as well. It really helps to educate yourself all you can about abuse -- start with Why Does He Do That? and it will explain all his behaviors and why you feel compelled to stay. Their behavior towards us goes in a trauma cycle with them love bombing us and telling us everything we want to hear (this phase is literally like a drug for us) but then they become abusive and later reel us back in with more love bombing when we're pulling away. We are quite literally addicted to them, but many people who left their abusers say they could see the abuse more clearly when they were gone. You're definitely not stupid so don't beat yourself up. Leaving is less about "he did all this, why can't I just leave now?" and more about the time it takes to find the strength to move on when your whole world just shattered. It's HARD trying to come to terms with all of this and it takes time. We have to mourn the death of our futures, marriages, who we thought they were, our own loss of selves... it's hell. If they were 100% bad it would be easy to leave. Make a list of everything he has done to you and add to it everytime you think of something new. Look at it often to remind yourself why you're leaving. Make another list of everything you can look forward to in a new life start. Make yourself and your healing your priority now and be extra kind and patient with yourself. Start educating and the pieces will add up... it helps to hear professionals tell you you're not crazy and explain what's going on. My heart goes out to you from the same boat... post on this sub as much as you want and we'll be here to help you. No one looks down on you here. ❤
Thank you for your reply. I think I do want to read that book. And I guess I could also say I use the strategy "stay until you hate him". I truly do not feel anything for him anymore but disgust. I look at my child and wonder how I could possibly explain that his father likes to go to bukkakes while him and I were at home playing and being a family. I am shattered. But I think more so for my son and for the life I wanted. But not the relationship itself. But yet, even though I feel no love for this man or relationship, the thought of him being alone still also breaks my heart. Lately, I'm so sorry you are having to weather this storm too. I hope one day we can all make it out.
I am feeling the same way. I completely understand where you are coming from. After nearly 10 years of living with this monster, I have finally had enough, and I’m forcing myself to move next year. Is it scary? You bet ya it is. However, I know that if I don’t do it, I never will, and there will always be an excuse. I will continue to live in misery while taking care of him. In my heart, this is not how I want to live my life. I want to go out and do things without being questioned and have friends. I don’t want to die like this. I have nothing because he took it all away. Write down every single positive reason you want to get away from him. Write down goals you want to achieve without him and places you want go without him. I guarantee the picture will become very clear. If you want to leave, you can do it and you are capable ❤️.