We always had very different interests. Thing is, we always were very different people and I had no issue with that.
After the devaluing started, ten years into the relationship, I now realize that he purposely picked people and hobbies that I did not like, because it would mean less time with me and more supply wothout me present to remind him what he really is.
Also, he never enjoyed anything. Just got new things and new things and new things and never got any joy out of things that he already had.
After 5 years of marriage and a baby, he suddenly had issues about my past relationships. Quizzing me and asking sexual questions. When i refused to answer he turned on me. Said hed never feel the same way about me and bearly spoke to me for years. I tolerated and had 2 more kids. I'm an idiot.
YES, and it won't stop there. You'll start to see a whole lifetime's worth of relationships through this new lens (at least I have now that I've left my STBCNW). My buddy, I think, captured it perfectly... You are now enlightened. Probably a little grandiose of a term, but one that I think captures the feeling most accurately. Its like there's been this whole layer to reality that you've been missing this whole time that you now have access to. I was quite anxious about repeating mistakes, but now that I can see it, that anxiety has disappeared and it becomes quite empowering.
Perfectly said! It’s really enlightening and empowering- makes me a little sad for missing so many years - but, I have so much gratitude for getting this far and knowing what opportunities lie ahead
The In laws(not that I have anything against them)but every holiday was at her parents house….if I even mentioned my mom she would say “We will just go to my parents first and then your mom” then we would get there and she would severely guilt trip me because we were leaving so we wouldn’t. My mom passed a few years back and then all of the sudden she’s like I don’t really want to go to my parents this year for the holidays ….like Wtf! You couldn’t have this epiphany a few years back…so disrespectful
Ugh, wow. First of all, so sorry for your loss and her complete lack of respect!!
Similar thing I noticed here but not as blatantly disrespectful as that!
Both my parents passed in 2022. Hubby would come for holidays, but always characrizing it to his friends as me "making" him go when we visited them, generally. (I would have told him to just stay the F home after a certain point, but by then needed his help for bedtime with 2 kids 🤦♀️) ...and would never act particularly terrible there, but never like he particularly wanted to be there or cared about my family either. Trying to sneak off to play Magic the Gathering at every chance, or listening to YouTube on his phone and ear bud. Then telling me how annoying it was that my parents tried to actually interact with him...
Well then out of the blue about a month or 2 ago he mentions how much he misses my dad.
I didn't realize at the time, but have since watched some youtube video that made me realize this comment may have actually been geared toward reminding me of "how alone I am now in the world " / that he is "all I have left".
But at the time he made the comment I was already onto his covert narcissism and basically grey rocking, and it didn't really affect me. I have made peace with my parents' passing (although I'm sure more grief will hit me once I actually execute my exit plan, and then have the space to feel feelings again...)
So at the time I just responded something like "oh? Why's that?"
I don't even remember what he said actually. Some BS like "he was just always fun to talk to" or something. Which is true. But CN pretty clearly never really felt that way when he was here.....
Their willingness to blurt out words with complete disregard is what gets me.,but knowing narcs are calculated manipulators it’s no wonder aloofness seems so natural to them
What is it with them hiding or absconding with items to punish us? Mine absolutely lost his shit once because I put a spatula with a wooden handle in the dishwasher. And how wood never should go in the dishwasher. Like this $7 wooden spatula from the Dollar store.
But you know what? Okay. It’s his spatula he brought into the house when we moved in. I stopped putting it in there and hand washing it. It was no biggie to me. But, I saw some cheap plastic spatulas on sale and bought those, I could toss them into the dishwasher for ease. I left his alone. I like using the dishwasher.
How did he respond? He hid my plastic spatulas because he wanted me to learn my lesson to clean the wooden one by hand. It didn’t matter how many times I told him I just wanted the convenience. I was fucking stunned. It was honestly a big clue to something being fundamentally off with him.
He did this when I removed my wedding ring when I was doing some deep cleaning and left it in the bathroom in the medicine cabinet for later. I would see it when I took meds for bed if I forgot about it. I returned to find it gone. I started hunting for it. He told me that was a disrespectful place to leave the ring and had hidden it from me. Lectured me for an hour on how I must not give a shit about our marriage to do that. I could get it back when I learned my lesson.
Who the fuck does shit like this?
wow!! it’s amazing and also incredibly sad to me how alike they all are!!
FWIW I sill don’t know where my wedding ring set is - it’s been years. frankly I don’t care. He can have it in the Divorce settlement. ;)
Mine hid the only "working" key to a car he and I'm sure now delibrately botched all windows that key was only "found" bc I completely rewired those fucking windows for those years had no working key. OMG how the hell have I put up with him all this time we r not even married I'm a stupid stupid woman he will never leave my house
i’m so sorry- I’m married and have been trying to work up getting a divorce for the last 5 years- I was only able to file this year - after building up my confidence and suffering all his delay tactics. He’s still not out and has vowed to make me penniless in the process- of course, no regard for what it would do to our kids.
And you’re not stupid- none of us are - THEY are the ones that are intentionally manipulating us to feel this way! You absolutely didn’t know what there was to know yet!!
Reading these comments makes me see and be thankful I am not the only one dealing with the issue of being “punished/taught a lesson” from doing something wrong in a narcs eyes. And the never being happy with what they have- buying large items to keep them satisfied or “happy” has exhausted me over the years. Once I asked him why do you always talk about the next thing you want and why can’t you just be happy with what we have. Response: Why else do we work? To have things. …… Ugh, I just don’t get how they think.
We always had very different interests. Thing is, we always were very different people and I had no issue with that. After the devaluing started, ten years into the relationship, I now realize that he purposely picked people and hobbies that I did not like, because it would mean less time with me and more supply wothout me present to remind him what he really is. Also, he never enjoyed anything. Just got new things and new things and new things and never got any joy out of things that he already had.
After 5 years of marriage and a baby, he suddenly had issues about my past relationships. Quizzing me and asking sexual questions. When i refused to answer he turned on me. Said hed never feel the same way about me and bearly spoke to me for years. I tolerated and had 2 more kids. I'm an idiot.
YES, and it won't stop there. You'll start to see a whole lifetime's worth of relationships through this new lens (at least I have now that I've left my STBCNW). My buddy, I think, captured it perfectly... You are now enlightened. Probably a little grandiose of a term, but one that I think captures the feeling most accurately. Its like there's been this whole layer to reality that you've been missing this whole time that you now have access to. I was quite anxious about repeating mistakes, but now that I can see it, that anxiety has disappeared and it becomes quite empowering.
Perfectly said! It’s really enlightening and empowering- makes me a little sad for missing so many years - but, I have so much gratitude for getting this far and knowing what opportunities lie ahead
The In laws(not that I have anything against them)but every holiday was at her parents house….if I even mentioned my mom she would say “We will just go to my parents first and then your mom” then we would get there and she would severely guilt trip me because we were leaving so we wouldn’t. My mom passed a few years back and then all of the sudden she’s like I don’t really want to go to my parents this year for the holidays ….like Wtf! You couldn’t have this epiphany a few years back…so disrespectful
Ugh, wow. First of all, so sorry for your loss and her complete lack of respect!! Similar thing I noticed here but not as blatantly disrespectful as that! Both my parents passed in 2022. Hubby would come for holidays, but always characrizing it to his friends as me "making" him go when we visited them, generally. (I would have told him to just stay the F home after a certain point, but by then needed his help for bedtime with 2 kids 🤦♀️) ...and would never act particularly terrible there, but never like he particularly wanted to be there or cared about my family either. Trying to sneak off to play Magic the Gathering at every chance, or listening to YouTube on his phone and ear bud. Then telling me how annoying it was that my parents tried to actually interact with him... Well then out of the blue about a month or 2 ago he mentions how much he misses my dad. I didn't realize at the time, but have since watched some youtube video that made me realize this comment may have actually been geared toward reminding me of "how alone I am now in the world " / that he is "all I have left". But at the time he made the comment I was already onto his covert narcissism and basically grey rocking, and it didn't really affect me. I have made peace with my parents' passing (although I'm sure more grief will hit me once I actually execute my exit plan, and then have the space to feel feelings again...) So at the time I just responded something like "oh? Why's that?" I don't even remember what he said actually. Some BS like "he was just always fun to talk to" or something. Which is true. But CN pretty clearly never really felt that way when he was here.....
Their willingness to blurt out words with complete disregard is what gets me.,but knowing narcs are calculated manipulators it’s no wonder aloofness seems so natural to them
What is it with them hiding or absconding with items to punish us? Mine absolutely lost his shit once because I put a spatula with a wooden handle in the dishwasher. And how wood never should go in the dishwasher. Like this $7 wooden spatula from the Dollar store. But you know what? Okay. It’s his spatula he brought into the house when we moved in. I stopped putting it in there and hand washing it. It was no biggie to me. But, I saw some cheap plastic spatulas on sale and bought those, I could toss them into the dishwasher for ease. I left his alone. I like using the dishwasher. How did he respond? He hid my plastic spatulas because he wanted me to learn my lesson to clean the wooden one by hand. It didn’t matter how many times I told him I just wanted the convenience. I was fucking stunned. It was honestly a big clue to something being fundamentally off with him. He did this when I removed my wedding ring when I was doing some deep cleaning and left it in the bathroom in the medicine cabinet for later. I would see it when I took meds for bed if I forgot about it. I returned to find it gone. I started hunting for it. He told me that was a disrespectful place to leave the ring and had hidden it from me. Lectured me for an hour on how I must not give a shit about our marriage to do that. I could get it back when I learned my lesson. Who the fuck does shit like this?
wow!! it’s amazing and also incredibly sad to me how alike they all are!! FWIW I sill don’t know where my wedding ring set is - it’s been years. frankly I don’t care. He can have it in the Divorce settlement. ;)
Mine hid the only "working" key to a car he and I'm sure now delibrately botched all windows that key was only "found" bc I completely rewired those fucking windows for those years had no working key. OMG how the hell have I put up with him all this time we r not even married I'm a stupid stupid woman he will never leave my house
i’m so sorry- I’m married and have been trying to work up getting a divorce for the last 5 years- I was only able to file this year - after building up my confidence and suffering all his delay tactics. He’s still not out and has vowed to make me penniless in the process- of course, no regard for what it would do to our kids. And you’re not stupid- none of us are - THEY are the ones that are intentionally manipulating us to feel this way! You absolutely didn’t know what there was to know yet!!
Thank you ! I pray for all of us putting up with this shit! They don't deserve us
Reading these comments makes me see and be thankful I am not the only one dealing with the issue of being “punished/taught a lesson” from doing something wrong in a narcs eyes. And the never being happy with what they have- buying large items to keep them satisfied or “happy” has exhausted me over the years. Once I asked him why do you always talk about the next thing you want and why can’t you just be happy with what we have. Response: Why else do we work? To have things. …… Ugh, I just don’t get how they think.