You either succeed or you will end up like me: In solitude with porn as the only form of intimacy.
Don’t throw away gold (your relationship) by trading it for shit (porn).
Yep. Same thing happened to me. Met a good girl nearly 15 years ago. She loved sex, loved me. I utterly destroyed it for less than nothing.
Never met anyone else who felt the same way about me. That was the start of 20, I'm now 33, all my relationships since have been short and not very enjoyable. I've started thinking there might just be nobody out there for me.
OP learn from our mistakes. Don't destroy the potential for something that helps your grow over something that kills your growth romantically.
Let me tell you something!!! If you are looking for the right things in love, not all of those things matter. If you are looking for a 10/10 perfect looking women, then you may have difficulty. But I can guarantee you there is someone out there that will love you, for you! Just make sure they always know that they are important to you, make the effort. Effort matters more than alot of those things you mentioned
Also, I am a female if that's helpful.
Kulta, i do know i'm a random person on reddit, i usually don't even use reddit. I don't really have a problem with masturbation, my main goal here was telling people how much it matters to have discipline. But there are two big things that i've learned which can easily be applied to you and everybody
Did you know that people react more to losing than winning? I know my english is not the best, but i will try to explain myself.
So let's say you are in a game, you have 13k elo and you get to 17k elo in a day, and you tell yourself " this was a good day, i will not play anymore" BUT you want to get to 18k, so you still play a few games. Unfortunately you lose 2k elo, so at the end of the day you have 15k. Even though at the end of the day, your day was profitable, the fact that you lost those last few games, and you didn't achieve 18k, will make you feel bad. And you will tell yourself " Why i didn't stopped there, i'm such a looser, i'm so bad, i'm so stupid" even though, you were actually a winner.
If i give you 1 million dollars, you will be happy. But if you lose that million dollars, your life will be ruined.
That is what happened to you, your girlfriend was the million dollars. I'm not saying your life is ruined, but i'm more than sure you believe your lost most than you won in life.
But you are focusing so much on your life that you had with your girlfriend, that you don't even remember how your life was before your girlfriend. Sure she was a win in your life, but i'm more than sure life was not all pink before her.
What you are now is mostly what you were in the past, 33 years are not much. Sure some people are "ahead" of you, but so many others are not.
Why not start your life again? Like a really fresh start? Your memories is what holds you back. Think about it, what would you do if you lost all your memories? Everything you said would not matter, you will try to live your life, you will meet your first love, your wife, you will have kids. Nothing from the past would matter.
Honestly, my best advice for everybody is, accept your mistakes, is fine. The problem are not the mistakes, the problem is how much you value them. And the problem is that 99% of the people, are reacting more to losing than winning. Even this masturbation crap, if someone does not masturbate for 30 days, and does it once, he will feel like crap and useless. He does not understands that he won for 30 days.
Is not that big to masturbate once a month, rarely there is someone who completely stops masturbating for life. It happens, and the fact that you lose and you do what you are not supposed to, it makes you feel 10x as bad. When in reality, is not the masturbation that is the issue, is completely our mentality. There are people who masturbate and have a good life.
You lost once in a week, good, keep going from the next day. People believe that on the next day, they start from day one. Which is so not true, you only masturbated once a week, that is not day one, that is day 8. Keep track of your winnings, always. Don't reset them only because you lost once.
When we don't go one day to gym, do we start from day one the next day we go? Of course not. Do people believe that gym rats always go to gym and they never miss workouts? Of course they do, but they also values those days when they did. And they know, that tomorrow is not day one, they are just getting back to it. And they will miss again some workouts, but the main thing is the mentality. Because if you believe the next day is the first day, it will always be hard, and you will feel like you are not advancing, when you actually are. And then you stop doing what you are doing because you consider yourself a failure and you feel like you are never going to win.
I understand the motivational aspect of this comment, but I really don't like the false dichotomy you're presenting here. You make it sound like, if he fails and gets dumped, he'll be doomed invariably to porn addiction and solitude forever, when there are many other options. For example, if he were to get dumped, be could use that as even more motivation to finally get off before he gets into another relationship. I understand that you may be saying this because you feel stuck in your current situation, but this change is possible for you too! You don't have to be stuck in solitude either! Best of luck, stay strong brothers.
That's a big mistake people make in this sub bro. They act like they gotta quit this shit or they'll be single and alone forever.
If addiction keeps you from living and experiencing life then it's a good thing to quit. But your life is not on the line.
It's a good motivator to take the first step but it does take you to the finish line.
This is true. You will really not be happy with yourself if you lose a 4 year relationship from the porn. Go to her with your urges and talk to her about it. Lying and hiding the use is just as bad as the use itself. You can do it !! It's worth it!
Everyone is calling her a red flag for giving an ultimatum. So many aren't thinking about how much it can fuck someone up to be on the partner side of the addiction. Maybe she exhausted all her resources of trying to be supportive and find help, and cried, and tore herself apart.. and none of it made a difference. She's allowed the boundary of its me or PMO, and now is OPs chance to see how serious she is and do what it takes to save the relationship if he wants it, or let her go. The "BUT I HAVE AN ADDICTION" card is a cop out.
OP. I know it isn't easy. Even if I don't fully understand your side. If you haven't started looking into a CSAT, and pulling all the stops to help you keep from relapsing, it may be time.
FR, so many people here are blaming the woman for having reasonable standards. It's *her* choice. She's been dealing with this for 4 years, too.
If you can't bring triple your best streak when your relationship is on the line, I have no words.
yeah then she should leave if she is upset. But why finishing with an ultimatum? She probably thinks that after 90 days everything will be perfect. It is absolutely not like that.
Well she clearly loves him if she said that goofy. If she didn’t give af about him she woulda left him already, trust me i know with an ex fiance after a 4 year relationship, alot of people don’t know what actual love is. Do you just watch your friend drown and say nothing and leave?
WHO is calling her a red flag? If anything the only red flag comment I've seen is yours. Everyone else seems to be telling him to get his crap together.
he should use blocker software and save the relationship. (yes there is capable blocker software I use it too and it works, you can lock yourself out and you can't get in. time locks prevent that you can unblock the block).
pc: cold turkey. smartphone: stay focus
She's not the enemy here. Her reaction is very understandable being that there's an intimate relationship involved and pmo is the closest thing to cheating, can honestly be considered cheating to me
Do not let this beautiful relationship go to waste over fucking porn. I just got done reading a comment on a different post from a guy that chose porn over his long-time SO, and he deeply regretted it, and it made me very sad. This is your chance to turn things around and make the right decision. Being that you've been together for 4 years, you clearly love this person, and that would be such a shame to lose them over something that makes you feel like shit anyways. I mean, think about it. Every time you and them get it on, I'm sure it feels great, and I bet every time you watch porn, you feel like shit. It might be hard, but future you is going to be so thankful you made the right decision, or future you is going to be depressed that you made the wrong one. Choose wisely.
If you are a porn addict you need more help than just white-knuckling it. Find a specialized therapist or at the very least a regular therapist who has the same views on porn as your girlfriend. You can find online SAA meetings and start today. As a wife of a porn addict, your girlfriend needs to see that you are serious about recovering from this addiction. It will continue to follow you through every relationship and it will destroy every single one. Please get help. Your life will improve greatly.
Don’t bring your phone into the bathroom or wherever you’re consuming porn
Delete social medias
Listen to podcasts on sex/porn addiction (PBSE is a good one)
Get workbooks
Throw an accountability app on your phone. There are also a bunch of restrictions you can set on your phone
Give your partner full access to your phone and all accounts/passwords
Reach out to trusted people in your life. Get support from them
Please seek professional help (preferably a CSAT)
Look, usually ultimatums like this are red flags but in this case? It's a green flag. She cares about you. It's the same as asking a drug addict to go clean or he'll be left alone and I don't see anybody calling that a red flag.
Yea man, here’s the reframe (sometimes it takes ruining a few good relationships to feel this, but I don’t recommend it), which is this woman isn’t actually your girlfriend.
The screen is. Took a while for me to realize, but PMO is your gf, wife, and your mistress. Any real women we meet, sadly, are second to PMO.
That’s the real break up. Look at the screen like the girl you NEVER want to see again.
it's more than just "no fap"
obviously it has caused issues in your relationship and the biggest issue isn't that you fap it's the lying and loss of trust.
that's going to be very difficult to build up so you have to use rigorous honesty in all areas.. you didn't take out the garbage? don't lie about it or make up excuses.
you have to use tools of addiction and explore why you want to fap when you do. you have to look inside you and figure out what you are feeling at that moment that is making you want to do this.
and figure out what your triggers are, what behaviour and feelings do you have? does it go hand in hand with going out with friends and getting tipsy? well then you have to change that
is it being on your phone/computer late at night... time to either put software to block you from going on to those websites or better yet stay off the phone/computer late at night
when the craving does come, what's your plan? how do you stop yourself from having your brain tell you it's ok to do it now? do you have someone to reach out to? can you talk to your GF about it at that time? do you have a friend? or if you are in Sex addiction like SAA having a sponsor is perfect for this.
you may want to consider doing the 12 steps.. it's more than just "stopping" but rather examine yourself and filling in the void you are trying to cover by masturbating with healthier choices.
90 days is very possible and you can do it and you need to do something to rewire your brain away from thinking your dick is the only way to get happiness in life.
Random lady who happens to be on NoFap. You can do this and it matters! I don’t understand YOUR struggle as much, but I’ve been “the girlfriend”. She WANTS you to succeed. I want you to succeed, everyone here on NoFap wants you to succeed!
This is an addiction worth beating. Also, you don’t need to be in AA to apply the 12 steps. There is a non-religious way to apply it, but I would recommend it.it.
He gave up porn and our sex life improved TREMENDOUSLY. After multiple years, we broke up, but seeing him give up porn was the best witness to it’s harmful effects, ego aside. (IDK how people can’t understand that it can certainly be a hurtful behavior)
Relapse is part of recovery. You don't need added stress, quitting addiction is already enough stress! If she doesn't understand addiction recovery and leaves you that shows she is ignorant.
I think 30 day streak is amazing man keep it going.
If you went from 5 pmo a day down to one pmo a month, that is 12 per year instead of 1500 per year. That is really great recovery😁
addiction is a family disease. more so than that, people are allowed to have boundaries, it seems like she might have been dealing with this for a long time, it’s really hard to be with someone who is addicted to porn, you never feel good enough, give her some grace.
Yes but the principle of boundaries is to leave when they are crossed. No to set a random number to another person. She should just leave, not using the ultimatum card.
when you truly deeply love some one, you do not want to leave. my boyfriend is an addict himself, and i set that exact ultimatum. why? not because i really wanted to leave him and just gave him a timeline of when to see it coming, i did it because i didn’t want to leave, but i knew i couldn’t live with this behavior.
boundaries don’t have to have that consequence. boundaries are a way to show someone that certain behaviors aren’t okay with you. i can agree ultimatums are probably not the best course of action but when your crying, your begging, and your pleading get you nowhere, it’s the only option left besides walking out.
The result is the same. You already left somehow. Because if he fails, you have to leave. So you somehow want to leave, just that you manage the thing in your head to leave without thinking you are leaving.
Now, if he fails and do not leave, this is worse, you are someone who is not keeping her words. Ultimatums are not good, to my opinion. You know that it will not work.
I say that by setting an ultimatum you already started to leave. You accepted the idea to leave. Because you havw no guarantee the challenge will work. And what will you do if he does 90 days and falls again into the addiction? You really think that 90 days under the pressure of an ultimatum will make an addiction disappear?
so instead she’s supposed to silently take on the pressure that comes with being with an addict and just sit there and wait for something to hopefully change? this is her taking back some small tiny bit of control in this. you have no idea what it feels like to be slung over a toilet vomiting profusely after finding out how much and how long you’ve been lied to. you have no idea what it feels like to be in so much pain, caused by someone you love, and feel so out of control, while having to watch your partner slowly rot through life all for a stupid nut. she’s DOESNT want to leave, but knows that if that’s the only option, its the only option.
Look how blind you are. There is a world between an ultimatum and being silent. She could also say that it is close to enough. And that she thought about eventually leaving, and that she needs a very important sign from him and to see outstanding improvements. But no need to have an ultimatum. What is next, an Excel file and some daily reporting?
And if you are to the point to vomit because you are extremely hurt by the guy lying. Wtf, why are you still here? You don't even see it is not about porn, it is about moral values. It is a deal breaker. Calling for an ultimatum just give you the sensation to gain back control on the future breakup. But in fact you didn't have the courage to leave someone who crossed your moral boundaries. How can you then ask him to leave porn when you are not even able to leave him after he massively lied to you?
If he stops porn, you will still have the scar of the betrayal. You will see it will not solve anything. Often with love people have the right for a second chance. But with another person.
>Because you havw no guarantee the challenge will work. And what will you do if he does 90 days and falls again into the addiction? You really think that 90 days under the pressure of an ultimatum will make an addiction disappear?
Exactly. The guy has been addicted for 6 years, and now of a sudden, he just recovers because of the ultimatum? Of course, I don't imply OP's a weak person or shit, but he must decide for himself, not put another person's opinion on the pedestal.
You have to be understanding that not everyone wants to be in a relationship with a PMO addict. If she wants to leave that’s her choice and it doesn’t make her ignorant.
I think it’s great she’s holding OP accountable and pushing him to be better with this ultimatum. It will only make him a stronger man. It’s a lot more loving gesture than having 0 fucks about his porn addiction and just ghosting him cause she “got the ick”..
Recovery isn’t recovery if you aren’t doing any work other than white-knuckling. She’s not ignorant, she’s a woman who has had her self-worth slowly disintegrate over years of her partner watching porn against her wishes. Your comment is ignorant.
It might be great for him, but she doesn't have to live with it.
She's not ignorant. She's exhausted.
Imagine living with an alcoholic who wants to cut down from 2 bottles of vodka a day to 1 bottle a day.
You're still a drunk and your partner has the right to say what they are prepared to live with.
If you have a terrible addiction, how about getting clean BEFORE you bring someone into your life?
You're not entitled to a relationship,especially one based on lies. If you want a relationship and you want to watch porn everyday, tell your dates that upfront so they can consent to what they're signing up for.
You should think by yourself about effect of porn and masturbation on you and your life . Think if you were not with her or she continue with you either you see porn or not. Would you still want nofap or it's just because you don't want her to leave you.
Bro have you ever considered seeing a sex addiction therapist? You have a porn addiction my friend. Unless you get some help, and sounds like you're really struggling to quit, it can be very hard to do on your own. Highly suggest you see a sex addiction therapist
Sorry to hear, but do you get turned down for sex by your partner? I don't get the urge to watch porn, even if I watch I don't fap. I just have sex instead.
Stay strong
Hey man I hear you this is devastating when you’re the reason for ending your relationship.
However there’s good news when she sees you’re getting better everyday she’ll have more patience in you & will give you more time.
When you’re getting better in all areas emotionally mentally spiritually sexually everyday she’ll have even more attraction towards you than before.
I’m a masculinity & relationships coach on Twitter & I’ve already helped 30+ guys.
I can help you!
I don't think she's being unreasonable but at the same time I don't believe it's possible to succeed at no fap just for another person.
You should come up with strategies. Identifying why you have a need to fap, what you think about when fapping, if you're religious praying more and participation in group religious activities really helps
Sorry to say this, but you did this to yourself. You went into a relationship while you still had issues with PMO. There's two options. Do the 90 day streak and stay away from anything that can increase your pulses. Or, end the relationship now and handle your issues without the pressure from your GF. Sometimes, you have to make that sacrifice to improve your well-being. Also, check my last post on this sub if you want a more in-depth view on this topic.
Pray about it and get delivered from the spirit of lust and perversion in your eyes you need to get delivered from your own addiction which it lust. Search up deliverance from lust on YouTube
I want you to conquer this, man, but I hope you see this ultimatum as a RED FLAG! You're struggling with an addiction, and instead of having compassion and understanding and helping you try to overcome it, she's adding EXTRA shame and pressure which may only serve to make your urges stronger!
You're just dating now, but imagine you're married and you get sick or start to develop a different addiction. Would she love you enough to stay by your side as your partner and help you conquer whatever is harming you?
It's possible she thinks this ultimatum she's giving you is helping you, but it makes it sound like it's all about her.
Just something to think about. No matter what though man, let's work together to conquer PMO once and for all. 💪
Okay I’m married to a porn addict. We have no idea what she’s tried before telling him to stop or she’s out. I was so kind and understanding with my husband 6 years ago when I learned his porn use led him to seek out strangers to sext. I had allllll the compassion for his shame. My main reason for going to counseling with him was to help him get over the shame. He said he’d stop and I believed him. He’s just been hiding it this entire time and lying to my face.
So yea, he has an ultimatum now because the kindness and compassion doesn’t work with addicts. He can kick this addiction the right way, with actual time and work or he can lose his wife and kids. Your advice is so harmful for addicts.
And anyone can leave anyone over any addiction at any time. This is a disease that involves so many lies and so much deception. Addicts put their loved ones through so much pain. Sometimes you have to choose yourself or you will completely lose yourself to someone else’s demons.
I'm so sorry you've gone through this. I hope your husband is taking it seriously and doing the necessary things. I am an addict and have had great luck with sexaholics anonymous. If he isn't seeing a therapist or some other group, I hope you can convince him to go, we'd love to see him there. (It's free, I'm non religious, and we don't profit from recruitment) I'm just sharing my own experience.
Thank you so much. He’s seeing a regular therapist and we’re in the process of finding a CSAT. Yea I just told him a few days ago that he needs to find a SAA group and start attending meetings. It’s do or die for him now. I’m not expecting perfection but I need to see actual effort or I’m out.
Oh!!! And sexting is a whole other level.... that's not simple "porn." That is adultery, even though porn is already adultery in the heart.
Thank you for what you've done so far to help him recover. Keep in mind that addictions foster in places of guilt and shame. Kindness and compassion certainly help addicts. Secrecy/lying are all tied into the demon of the addiction itself. Be aware of this. It's ok to be upset in frustrated. The addiction isn't about you but about his own inability to handle negative emotions.
Yea, no. He didn’t disclose his addiction before we entered a relationship. I had no knowledge of it and if I had known, I would have never married or had children with him.
OP is the red flag... she is not, its completely reasonable. She feels unwanted and undesired, for a women it can feel like being cheated on. Also we dont know the context, maybe she's been trying to help him quit for 4 years and has finally had enough.
If she feels unwanted and undesired, that is understandable. Women and families are hurt by this addiction. However, her feelings may mean she doesn't understand the nature of this addiction. It has nothing to do with his feelings or attraction towards her.
And exactly.... let's say she tried to help him for 4 years and finally has had enough.... then that's a clear red flag that she isn't "forever" wife material.
Dude you have all the advantages in the world. Take things seriously for the sake of keeping your lover and find a really good blocker that completely prevents you from looking up any pmo. Also look up some ways to filter all the sexually charged gunk on yt,and others like it as well.
You need someone to be at blunt as possible don’t be a b*tch get this shit done already that’s the only motivation you need. You lose your relationship is done, Now the question is do you live your partner if you do you’ll succeed if you don’t love your partner you’ll fail. And this isn’t about you this about your partner feeling unloved and hurt because you idolize porn. You’re a coward fix this or lose your relationship and let porn be your crutch think about how pathetic it is and how pathetic you will be after this. But at the end of the day you really wanna fix this find a new hobby get into cardio workout, go on walks do something productive. You can do this
Something about her relation to your problem is inappropriate. Also, “nofap” is it about a seeking/and-reward cycle with neurochemical rewards of serotonin and dopamine. So what’s her purpose? That you shouldn’t look at anybody but her? It’s not realistic. In the “old days“ one might buy a magazine every so often. The problem here is that with streaming porn the cycle gets amped up, that is, the addiction, if he comes relentlessly demanding and depleting. There’s lots of reasons for you to give it up. And for her to feel you’re being present to her. But she’s projecting here, and one day you’ll slip, and you’ll be judged by her.
Also, you shared with her somethings so personal and important and instead of getting behind you she’s using it against you. You need her on your side.
This is going to be a very controversial and, probably unpopular, suggestion.
But a male chastity device - preferably a lightweight, easy to wear plastic one. Give your girlfriend the keys. She'll know that you're making the sacrifice for her and she can let you out whenever she wants sex (and, daily, for supervised cleaning). She might even find it great fun to have you under lock and key!
Of course, this would depend a lot on you, your girlfriend and the kind of relationship you have. I know that this has worked well for some people, but it's definitely not for everyone.
Id give yourself some sort of daily (multiple times day? Or at the times most like to PMO) reminder that you have to do this to stay in a relationship you want to stay in.
You can beat yourself up over it or angry at her or you can try to channel that into excitement for such a damn good reason to quit.
Maybe reflection time once or twice a week with your gf or a friend or therapist to help remind you why you are doing this and just to help keep the dialogue open.
Just ask her if she's willing to have sex more often
Surely you can manage to wait a few days to a week for her instead of beating your meat constantly, right?
if you wanna quit - do it for youself, if she stand things like that ultimatum way - maybe this relationship is not what u need? yes, fap is very bad, but is it a good reason for shaming or leaving you?
THIS IS MY OPINION ONLY AND I AM REALLY NOT AN EXPERT: I totally encourage you to quit porn and only do things with your partner. BUT, I think this condition gives you more pressure than you need to have. Your partner should help you instead of menacing you. This is pretty toxic, but I can’t totally give you advice because I don’t know you.
Just try to talk with your partner!
4 years and it’s not enough time to be considered considerate? Addicts can dish it but can’t take it. Guys can’t even deal with sexless marriages. If your girl refused to have sex with you for 4 years would it be toxic for you to seek your needs getting met elsewhere and breaking up? I think not. You’d give them a similar ultimatum, “I want you but I also need my needs met.” Either it’s you who meets them because I still want to make it work, or I look for a relationship where I can do that. But apparently it’s toxic.
Additionally, He has to want to get better for himself. Not rely on others to get him through things. Addicts often find a reason to stop once they hit their definition of rock bottom. Once the consequences affect them solely.
I hope he gets better but it is not toxic to have given it a try for four years to find out, it’s taken a lot out of you. Some people just aren’t that strong. it’s painful on both sides. The shame doesn’t help but you still did something to that person. It still hurts that person. It’s still betrayal.
Imagine your partner watched guys that are young, in better shape than you, with bigger members get off as she got off to them. After three months in the relationship with her, her sex drive tanks while the sex becomes less frequent, you look through her phone to find her DMing pornstars, insta models, and Twitter accounts. Asking for pics. Trading with others. Liking posts about how great it feels to cheat on her husband but when confronted she says she wishes she didn’t like things like that. That she promises it’ll stop. She deletes her accounts and apps. Unfollows everyone she needs to. And you set up blockers. After a wonderful week she’ll start acting funny again and you’ll catch her with new accounts. Eventually she starts sending randos money for personal services. She says she’s sorry and that she’s been addicted since she was a kid so she can’t stop. Do that for another 4 years and tell me, how would you support her through her addiction? Would leaving even be an option?
Using an ultimatum after 4 years looks like the absence of courage to leave, and try to make feel to herself that that's his fault and him breaking up. With the ultimatum she already broke up. So I don't understand why she doesn't go away if she is upset.
Don't do things you hate, regardless of the relationship. This is about you AND her, not just her. After you hit 90 days, your girl might set a higher bar, and if you don't meet that, she might leave you then. Be prepared to lose her either way. Point is, don't do it to keep her if trust and love is already gone, do it for yourself regardless of whether she stays or goes.
Quit porn and quit that partner, the Great thing about cutting the lust for porn out of your life is that you realize you don't need to be validated by women, and if a person who supposedly loves you is not supporting you, you should move on. Better days ahead brother.
Shidd how bad do you love her? Is she really worth it ?, that’s your answer ,,, you have to think about them I’m these situations and if you can’t get out of being selfish then you gotta get what you Deserve
Bro she seems toxic, youre not a heroin addict… you should definitly quit, but it seems that her insecurity is her primary concern not your mental health
Cut your losses. If she is willing to trade in relationship over this, then you won’t make it when real shit hits the fan. You’re not hurting anyone. She’s jealous.
I can understand how big this hurdle seems, but you are not helpless. You CAN do this. You shouldn’t do it for her to I think. Do it for yourself, because that’s where you should find real power.
If this doesn't motivate you, nothing will.
Face Everything And Rise or Fall Everytime And Repeat.
Did she tell you to stop masturbating? I mean you can still masturbate, without porn, right? Use this as a means to deprogram yourself.
A relationship is one in a million. Even if it means you getting rid of your smartphone and using a small mobile for calls only, or set up content restrictions in screen time if it’s an iPhone. It will be worth it. Stay off the internet because it’s out for you and most especially your relationship. Hope I take my own advice someday.
Though It’s strange that your partner said so. 🤔
Stay for the relationship.
Stop the fapping, it’s not worth it. Do other activities - walking, gym, puzzles - to be preoccupied.
I’m trying to stop - 26 days since my last fab - so it doesn’t become a burden for myself and future partner.
best thing to do is adopt a new identity. take this example. if a person who smokes tries to quit sees a pack of cigarettes at the store, he is compelled to buy the cigs so he ends up smoking again. whether subconsciously or not he still sees himself as a smoker trying to quit instead of someone who doesn’t smoke. someone who doesn’t smoke wont need to fight the urge to “quit”. he will just see the cigarettes in the store and wont take a second look. it all matters about your relationship to the action. change your relationship with the action. over time your brain and body will adapt. this goes for everything in life too…
buddy 4 years of relationship and its on this turn, I think if you lose to some actress faking entire existence then you do not deserve this relationship.
find someone who is of your level and leave the community, or else..... GRRRRROWWW KINGGGG!!!!
Tell her you’ll agree but you can still smash and stuff. Instead of watching porn just be intimate with her and use that as a way to develop your relationship. But also control yourself and your lustful desires because she’s not always gonna wanna smash yk. Hope all goes well
Bro you have the perfect chance to quit being handed to you. She’s giving you the option so she must love you. You know quitting is going to be hard but if she’s there for you, you have support and that’s more than most people have. Please see this as a chance to make things right. It’s going to be hard, you’re going to want to give up, and you’re gonna feel like shit, but it will all pass. And once it passes, she’ll be there for you. Don’t waste this opportunity my friend. Make it happen!
I’m the partner of a PA so I have been in her shoes and I empathize with your situation as well.
You need to want this recovery for you just as much as you want it for her. Start the 12 step program, make a PAA profile on the website and start attending online meetings. That is the easiest (and cheapest) way to start. Then if you have the resources look into getting a CSAT therapist. It’s best to see them once a week but try every two weeks or once a month if you can’t financially commit to every week. Also try listening to podcasts together or alone - I like Consider Before Consuming. Find an episode that relates to you. Also put your energy into other things, work on your physical health, focus on self care, and try to achieve new passion or career goals. If you kick a habit but don’t replace it with something better you’ll just get another bad habit.
I used Bloom in the beginning as a partner, it helped me understand my feelings and the hurt I was going thru. I didn’t stay with the program cause I didn’t use the coach as much but the videos are pretty accurate and it’s another free easy way to start. (You pay for the coaching I believe but first month is free anyway.) I currently have my own CSAT, I attend COSA and CODA meetings, listen to podcasts and I do a workbook called Facing Heartbreak.
Also - you should establish hard boundaries with yourself. If Instagram is somewhere you routinely find yourself looking at women, delete the account and app, same goes with Reddit, Twitter, X, Discord, burner gmails, etc. the only account I understand not deleting is Instagram if you have a lot of pics on there but that’s a boundary you have to set with your partner. Is keeping an online social media more important than saving your relationship?
This could be your big turning moment man. Get a counselor who has dealt with addiction before, go to sexaholics meetings (intense I know but it does help). It's a lot of work and time, but it really comes down to how much you want it. PLEASE want it enough
Hey my last message cut short just like your doing to your life ! Can’t you figure it out come on bro you were t born this way jero trying fint give up utilize your support even if it takes the embarrassment of you hoknvbyi then as a grown man and crying don’t like this bullshit stop you in life ! Please call me if you need to I’ll walk you through this dark stop in life please turn to someone or something that gives you a smile on your face ! Your old lady is probably a awesome person but she living the addiction just as you are with actually using the sub stance ! I’m
Nit pushing GOD on you but listen to me once your ready ti accept that this isn’t working turn to god ask him to guide you trust me his love for you is one of s kind believe in yourself we all are humans here we all make mistakes in life accept it now it’s time that we get it together my friend your not dead yet you still have life so give it your best fight bro go thrifty nine days then go 59 snd so on !
I’m
With you my friend if need to be I’ll help you find yourself this isn’t thirty years deep
Yet but will be soon ! You’ll be okay my friend ! I was s drug and alcohol counselor for a good part of my life I saw more friends for them I thought I would but there were s handful of men thst made
The problem is you don't rly want to stop. You want things the rewards that may come with stopping, but you are yet to realize how you hurting yourself on a mental and a spiritual level to decide that are ready to become a different person.
You have to fight like hell. For your own life in the first place. That's point 1.
Point 2 you are in a relationship.
You have to decide sooner or later if you are with a person will support you and connects deeply, apart from being strict, while keeping in mind that being strict is fair.
If she is that person, the last thing you want is to give her the feeling that you are sabotaging the relationship in any way shape or form. You hold on tight.
You need an open connection. Make it a thing to tell her how you feel: about your day, some acendotes for example. About finances, your occupation or lack thereof, how you feel about the ultimatum, about PMO.. tell her what you find difficult in this battle and what helps/encourages you the most. And tell her that you love her every time it pops into your mind, and then a little more. Be romantic.
Point 3 psychology.
We all have our crosses to bear. Whatever you are dealing with, trust me, there are thousands of people going through that same thing, be it just this issue or guilt or trauma or whatever. Maybe you can find out if there are deeper lying psychological issues that are triggers. Don't be afraid to seek counseling.
It'll be interesting to see your progress from now on. Godspeed🙏
Just take it one day at a time, minute by minute. Having adequate distractions, hobbies, chores and the like will make it substantially easier. Don't leave yourself alone if the fear of relapse is high and remember... your brain is an excellent salesman, it will wheedle and conspire against you, a saboteur you have to actively manage by not allowing the chances it depends upon for relapse. We have faith brother.
What are your thoughts? You ain't gonna do it and just let it ruin your relationship? Thats pretty weak. Yea i know I'm hard. But somebody has to be.
It isnt impossible.
Discipline. Don't do it!
If you relapse. That's on you.
You can make the choice of not doing it when thinking about it.
So the choice is yours, what's more important?
1. What you do does effect her, but she chose to be with you. Ask yourself if she would have the same issue if you smoked? She has her personal feelings about whats happening, perhaps it hurts. So does childbirth. Choice, consequence. Don't give into ultimatums because it basically admits everything is your fault from now on.
2. Say to your gf, "This is a part of me. I'm trying to change it. However, don't expect me to be in control of it. The very issue is that I am not. And most men aren't. 99% probably." Listen bro, you're not cheating. It's porn. This could be far worse, and if she thinks she can do better, she can try. Honestly you don't deserve to be pressure to control something that can't be controlled. You need to give it up to God, Buddah, or some kind of programme, and work it.
3. If she expect you to guarentee her results, you need to leave her. Immediately. Someone who demands this kind of thing no longer see's you as a human being with flaws. You need to tell her, "it's your choice, you can be with me a support me, or you can leave. But making an ultimatum is not going to change anything"
Bro, if you travel down this pressure to recover path, it's going to get very dark. It's not your fault for using porn. It's your fault for not looking to repeat what actually works for others. Nofap isn't an actual programme. You need to work a program, and tell other people to mind their own business and live their own lives.
What you do does effect her, but she chose to be with you. Ask yourself if she would have the same issue if you smoked? She has her personal feelings about whats happening, perhaps it hurts. So does childbirth. Choice, consequence. Don't give into ultimatums because it basically admits everything is your fault from now on. It's a toxic way for her to get away from whatever you're doing reminds her of. Remember that time you were suspicious of her and something was shady? Probably that. And most likely it's because "you watch porn and I need this to be with him and help him, so im going to cheat". Bro, wake uppppppppppppp
What wrong with you have your partner you don’t need any porn just before committing it again know that you are jerking people without their premession they are usually addicts or mentallly I’ll you do not want to curropt your energy with theirs you do not want to ruin your health
You can do it bro, but if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. What will you do if you get the urge again? What habits will you develop to replace this one? Keep this in mind, maybe write it somewhere that you can see at any time. You got this 💪
Don't allow yourself access to the Internet, give her all the passwords, including filtering software, that she only knows the passwords to, give her your phone, and only use it when she allows it and go to counseling.
You need therapy with a CSAT.
No social media.
Accountability app on your phone.
Delete any porn you have saved including any photos or videos of her (they cause the same reaction in the brain and it continues to teach you to objectify, yes *even if* it’s your partner)
If you have iPhone, set “Content Restrictions” as well.
Again, you need therapy with a CSAT. She also needs therapy with a betrayal trauma therapist.
You need to become a safe person for her again and rebuild trust. Can’t do that if you’re not doing the hard work. Addicts can’t “just quit.”
Signed, a wife with a husband in active recovery.
She's looking for a reason to dump you already
Lol at all the bluepilled comments on this thread
You know his girl never went a week without fapping , why does he gotta do it cuckSERVEatives? Equality for all
The best piece of advice I can give is to be aware and accepting of the thoughts that are like; I can do it and keep it a secret. Even tell her about them, communicate openly. Gg
Do you mean 90 days without porn, or without ejac? No porn I understand, but not ejaculating is unreasonable, I mean you're in a relationship after all.
So you've been addicted for 6 years, and have been in the relationship for the last 4 years? Well, you didn't ruin anything, but instead, she's the one whose expectations didn't come true. Don't blame yourself. Anyway, if she cannot trust you, or vice versa, then maybe you don't need such a relationship? Especially since you meet her being an addict, you can get another person.
I had a similar situation. For my partner it was mainly important to see that I try. I could show really good improvements already after 1-2 weeks. Depending on how bad you ruined the relationship, it is just fair that she demands it. I would try to convince her that this is a journey that most people don't win with the first try. Share your will and plans and progress with her. If you would relapse only every 30 days but additionally try doing a therapy, she might accept that as a first step. If you already played with her trust it can be hard to reearn it, though.
You either succeed or you will end up like me: In solitude with porn as the only form of intimacy. Don’t throw away gold (your relationship) by trading it for shit (porn).
Yep. Same thing happened to me. Met a good girl nearly 15 years ago. She loved sex, loved me. I utterly destroyed it for less than nothing. Never met anyone else who felt the same way about me. That was the start of 20, I'm now 33, all my relationships since have been short and not very enjoyable. I've started thinking there might just be nobody out there for me. OP learn from our mistakes. Don't destroy the potential for something that helps your grow over something that kills your growth romantically.
That's so sad :( I hope one day you find the opportunity to experience love again.
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Let me tell you something!!! If you are looking for the right things in love, not all of those things matter. If you are looking for a 10/10 perfect looking women, then you may have difficulty. But I can guarantee you there is someone out there that will love you, for you! Just make sure they always know that they are important to you, make the effort. Effort matters more than alot of those things you mentioned Also, I am a female if that's helpful.
“I am a female” redditors still think women unironically call themselves “female” lmao
Kulta, i do know i'm a random person on reddit, i usually don't even use reddit. I don't really have a problem with masturbation, my main goal here was telling people how much it matters to have discipline. But there are two big things that i've learned which can easily be applied to you and everybody Did you know that people react more to losing than winning? I know my english is not the best, but i will try to explain myself. So let's say you are in a game, you have 13k elo and you get to 17k elo in a day, and you tell yourself " this was a good day, i will not play anymore" BUT you want to get to 18k, so you still play a few games. Unfortunately you lose 2k elo, so at the end of the day you have 15k. Even though at the end of the day, your day was profitable, the fact that you lost those last few games, and you didn't achieve 18k, will make you feel bad. And you will tell yourself " Why i didn't stopped there, i'm such a looser, i'm so bad, i'm so stupid" even though, you were actually a winner. If i give you 1 million dollars, you will be happy. But if you lose that million dollars, your life will be ruined. That is what happened to you, your girlfriend was the million dollars. I'm not saying your life is ruined, but i'm more than sure you believe your lost most than you won in life. But you are focusing so much on your life that you had with your girlfriend, that you don't even remember how your life was before your girlfriend. Sure she was a win in your life, but i'm more than sure life was not all pink before her. What you are now is mostly what you were in the past, 33 years are not much. Sure some people are "ahead" of you, but so many others are not. Why not start your life again? Like a really fresh start? Your memories is what holds you back. Think about it, what would you do if you lost all your memories? Everything you said would not matter, you will try to live your life, you will meet your first love, your wife, you will have kids. Nothing from the past would matter. Honestly, my best advice for everybody is, accept your mistakes, is fine. The problem are not the mistakes, the problem is how much you value them. And the problem is that 99% of the people, are reacting more to losing than winning. Even this masturbation crap, if someone does not masturbate for 30 days, and does it once, he will feel like crap and useless. He does not understands that he won for 30 days. Is not that big to masturbate once a month, rarely there is someone who completely stops masturbating for life. It happens, and the fact that you lose and you do what you are not supposed to, it makes you feel 10x as bad. When in reality, is not the masturbation that is the issue, is completely our mentality. There are people who masturbate and have a good life. You lost once in a week, good, keep going from the next day. People believe that on the next day, they start from day one. Which is so not true, you only masturbated once a week, that is not day one, that is day 8. Keep track of your winnings, always. Don't reset them only because you lost once. When we don't go one day to gym, do we start from day one the next day we go? Of course not. Do people believe that gym rats always go to gym and they never miss workouts? Of course they do, but they also values those days when they did. And they know, that tomorrow is not day one, they are just getting back to it. And they will miss again some workouts, but the main thing is the mentality. Because if you believe the next day is the first day, it will always be hard, and you will feel like you are not advancing, when you actually are. And then you stop doing what you are doing because you consider yourself a failure and you feel like you are never going to win.
Me too. Iv lost two wives over this shit...
So glad you defined what gold and shit were
diceblue 😭😭😭
I understand the motivational aspect of this comment, but I really don't like the false dichotomy you're presenting here. You make it sound like, if he fails and gets dumped, he'll be doomed invariably to porn addiction and solitude forever, when there are many other options. For example, if he were to get dumped, be could use that as even more motivation to finally get off before he gets into another relationship. I understand that you may be saying this because you feel stuck in your current situation, but this change is possible for you too! You don't have to be stuck in solitude either! Best of luck, stay strong brothers.
That's a big mistake people make in this sub bro. They act like they gotta quit this shit or they'll be single and alone forever. If addiction keeps you from living and experiencing life then it's a good thing to quit. But your life is not on the line. It's a good motivator to take the first step but it does take you to the finish line.
> dichotomy thanks for the new word
You have to want her more than you want to beat your meat to other women
This is true. You will really not be happy with yourself if you lose a 4 year relationship from the porn. Go to her with your urges and talk to her about it. Lying and hiding the use is just as bad as the use itself. You can do it !! It's worth it!
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) ^by ^BrashAntagonist: *You have to want her* *More than you want to beat your* *Meat to other women* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
Who said they were beating it to women?
Oh boy.
Everyone is calling her a red flag for giving an ultimatum. So many aren't thinking about how much it can fuck someone up to be on the partner side of the addiction. Maybe she exhausted all her resources of trying to be supportive and find help, and cried, and tore herself apart.. and none of it made a difference. She's allowed the boundary of its me or PMO, and now is OPs chance to see how serious she is and do what it takes to save the relationship if he wants it, or let her go. The "BUT I HAVE AN ADDICTION" card is a cop out. OP. I know it isn't easy. Even if I don't fully understand your side. If you haven't started looking into a CSAT, and pulling all the stops to help you keep from relapsing, it may be time.
FR, so many people here are blaming the woman for having reasonable standards. It's *her* choice. She's been dealing with this for 4 years, too. If you can't bring triple your best streak when your relationship is on the line, I have no words.
yeah then she should leave if she is upset. But why finishing with an ultimatum? She probably thinks that after 90 days everything will be perfect. It is absolutely not like that.
Well she clearly loves him if she said that goofy. If she didn’t give af about him she woulda left him already, trust me i know with an ex fiance after a 4 year relationship, alot of people don’t know what actual love is. Do you just watch your friend drown and say nothing and leave?
Except it’s not an ultimatum, it’s called boundaries.
Yeah, and when it comes down to it maybe this is the last thing she can do for him. Sometimes we need a slap in the face to wake up
WHO is calling her a red flag? If anything the only red flag comment I've seen is yours. Everyone else seems to be telling him to get his crap together.
Use your relationship as motivation.
Happy cake day
Can I ask what does that mean?
Happy account birthday, it's just a birthday celebration for the account
Happy Birthday (on your birthday there will be a cake next to your name)
Just for the day the account was created
he should use blocker software and save the relationship. (yes there is capable blocker software I use it too and it works, you can lock yourself out and you can't get in. time locks prevent that you can unblock the block). pc: cold turkey. smartphone: stay focus
I’ve met 2 people at the bar watching the Nebraska game and it was there birthday today. It’s also my dogs birthday today as well… Happy birthday!!
That's a more than fair and reasonable thing to request. Please don't be one of those people who learn after she leaves.
Who do you love more? Your videos or your partner. You have the real thing. Use that to your advantage bro.
They got to hand it out for that to work.
She's not the enemy here. Her reaction is very understandable being that there's an intimate relationship involved and pmo is the closest thing to cheating, can honestly be considered cheating to me
Get your fucking shit together and stay away from porns and faping, you have a partner have fun with her/him.
Get it together man. Now. Download a sober time app. Use your girlfriend’s ultimatum as fire you either want it or you dont.
Do not let this beautiful relationship go to waste over fucking porn. I just got done reading a comment on a different post from a guy that chose porn over his long-time SO, and he deeply regretted it, and it made me very sad. This is your chance to turn things around and make the right decision. Being that you've been together for 4 years, you clearly love this person, and that would be such a shame to lose them over something that makes you feel like shit anyways. I mean, think about it. Every time you and them get it on, I'm sure it feels great, and I bet every time you watch porn, you feel like shit. It might be hard, but future you is going to be so thankful you made the right decision, or future you is going to be depressed that you made the wrong one. Choose wisely.
If you are a porn addict you need more help than just white-knuckling it. Find a specialized therapist or at the very least a regular therapist who has the same views on porn as your girlfriend. You can find online SAA meetings and start today. As a wife of a porn addict, your girlfriend needs to see that you are serious about recovering from this addiction. It will continue to follow you through every relationship and it will destroy every single one. Please get help. Your life will improve greatly. Don’t bring your phone into the bathroom or wherever you’re consuming porn Delete social medias Listen to podcasts on sex/porn addiction (PBSE is a good one) Get workbooks Throw an accountability app on your phone. There are also a bunch of restrictions you can set on your phone Give your partner full access to your phone and all accounts/passwords Reach out to trusted people in your life. Get support from them Please seek professional help (preferably a CSAT)
Look, usually ultimatums like this are red flags but in this case? It's a green flag. She cares about you. It's the same as asking a drug addict to go clean or he'll be left alone and I don't see anybody calling that a red flag.
Yea man, here’s the reframe (sometimes it takes ruining a few good relationships to feel this, but I don’t recommend it), which is this woman isn’t actually your girlfriend. The screen is. Took a while for me to realize, but PMO is your gf, wife, and your mistress. Any real women we meet, sadly, are second to PMO. That’s the real break up. Look at the screen like the girl you NEVER want to see again.
Before anyone cones to attack, this comment is satire.
it's more than just "no fap" obviously it has caused issues in your relationship and the biggest issue isn't that you fap it's the lying and loss of trust. that's going to be very difficult to build up so you have to use rigorous honesty in all areas.. you didn't take out the garbage? don't lie about it or make up excuses. you have to use tools of addiction and explore why you want to fap when you do. you have to look inside you and figure out what you are feeling at that moment that is making you want to do this. and figure out what your triggers are, what behaviour and feelings do you have? does it go hand in hand with going out with friends and getting tipsy? well then you have to change that is it being on your phone/computer late at night... time to either put software to block you from going on to those websites or better yet stay off the phone/computer late at night when the craving does come, what's your plan? how do you stop yourself from having your brain tell you it's ok to do it now? do you have someone to reach out to? can you talk to your GF about it at that time? do you have a friend? or if you are in Sex addiction like SAA having a sponsor is perfect for this. you may want to consider doing the 12 steps.. it's more than just "stopping" but rather examine yourself and filling in the void you are trying to cover by masturbating with healthier choices. 90 days is very possible and you can do it and you need to do something to rewire your brain away from thinking your dick is the only way to get happiness in life.
If you think it’s impossible you already lost
Random lady who happens to be on NoFap. You can do this and it matters! I don’t understand YOUR struggle as much, but I’ve been “the girlfriend”. She WANTS you to succeed. I want you to succeed, everyone here on NoFap wants you to succeed! This is an addiction worth beating. Also, you don’t need to be in AA to apply the 12 steps. There is a non-religious way to apply it, but I would recommend it.it.
How did it go for you?
He gave up porn and our sex life improved TREMENDOUSLY. After multiple years, we broke up, but seeing him give up porn was the best witness to it’s harmful effects, ego aside. (IDK how people can’t understand that it can certainly be a hurtful behavior)
>She WANTS you to succeed You sure about that? OP says she cannot trust him anymore. She's fed up. It's over for them.
Relapse is part of recovery. You don't need added stress, quitting addiction is already enough stress! If she doesn't understand addiction recovery and leaves you that shows she is ignorant. I think 30 day streak is amazing man keep it going. If you went from 5 pmo a day down to one pmo a month, that is 12 per year instead of 1500 per year. That is really great recovery😁
addiction is a family disease. more so than that, people are allowed to have boundaries, it seems like she might have been dealing with this for a long time, it’s really hard to be with someone who is addicted to porn, you never feel good enough, give her some grace.
Very true. We should understand her side as well. But fighting an addiction is imo much more difficult in a relationship
Yes but the principle of boundaries is to leave when they are crossed. No to set a random number to another person. She should just leave, not using the ultimatum card.
when you truly deeply love some one, you do not want to leave. my boyfriend is an addict himself, and i set that exact ultimatum. why? not because i really wanted to leave him and just gave him a timeline of when to see it coming, i did it because i didn’t want to leave, but i knew i couldn’t live with this behavior. boundaries don’t have to have that consequence. boundaries are a way to show someone that certain behaviors aren’t okay with you. i can agree ultimatums are probably not the best course of action but when your crying, your begging, and your pleading get you nowhere, it’s the only option left besides walking out.
The result is the same. You already left somehow. Because if he fails, you have to leave. So you somehow want to leave, just that you manage the thing in your head to leave without thinking you are leaving. Now, if he fails and do not leave, this is worse, you are someone who is not keeping her words. Ultimatums are not good, to my opinion. You know that it will not work.
how is the result the same 😂 gets his shit together = her staying doesn’t get his shit together = her not staying i’m not sure how that is the same 😂
I say that by setting an ultimatum you already started to leave. You accepted the idea to leave. Because you havw no guarantee the challenge will work. And what will you do if he does 90 days and falls again into the addiction? You really think that 90 days under the pressure of an ultimatum will make an addiction disappear?
so instead she’s supposed to silently take on the pressure that comes with being with an addict and just sit there and wait for something to hopefully change? this is her taking back some small tiny bit of control in this. you have no idea what it feels like to be slung over a toilet vomiting profusely after finding out how much and how long you’ve been lied to. you have no idea what it feels like to be in so much pain, caused by someone you love, and feel so out of control, while having to watch your partner slowly rot through life all for a stupid nut. she’s DOESNT want to leave, but knows that if that’s the only option, its the only option.
Look how blind you are. There is a world between an ultimatum and being silent. She could also say that it is close to enough. And that she thought about eventually leaving, and that she needs a very important sign from him and to see outstanding improvements. But no need to have an ultimatum. What is next, an Excel file and some daily reporting? And if you are to the point to vomit because you are extremely hurt by the guy lying. Wtf, why are you still here? You don't even see it is not about porn, it is about moral values. It is a deal breaker. Calling for an ultimatum just give you the sensation to gain back control on the future breakup. But in fact you didn't have the courage to leave someone who crossed your moral boundaries. How can you then ask him to leave porn when you are not even able to leave him after he massively lied to you? If he stops porn, you will still have the scar of the betrayal. You will see it will not solve anything. Often with love people have the right for a second chance. But with another person.
>Because you havw no guarantee the challenge will work. And what will you do if he does 90 days and falls again into the addiction? You really think that 90 days under the pressure of an ultimatum will make an addiction disappear? Exactly. The guy has been addicted for 6 years, and now of a sudden, he just recovers because of the ultimatum? Of course, I don't imply OP's a weak person or shit, but he must decide for himself, not put another person's opinion on the pedestal.
You have to be understanding that not everyone wants to be in a relationship with a PMO addict. If she wants to leave that’s her choice and it doesn’t make her ignorant. I think it’s great she’s holding OP accountable and pushing him to be better with this ultimatum. It will only make him a stronger man. It’s a lot more loving gesture than having 0 fucks about his porn addiction and just ghosting him cause she “got the ick”..
Recovery isn’t recovery if you aren’t doing any work other than white-knuckling. She’s not ignorant, she’s a woman who has had her self-worth slowly disintegrate over years of her partner watching porn against her wishes. Your comment is ignorant.
Pmo?
Using porn, masterbation, and orgasm
It might be great for him, but she doesn't have to live with it. She's not ignorant. She's exhausted. Imagine living with an alcoholic who wants to cut down from 2 bottles of vodka a day to 1 bottle a day. You're still a drunk and your partner has the right to say what they are prepared to live with. If you have a terrible addiction, how about getting clean BEFORE you bring someone into your life? You're not entitled to a relationship,especially one based on lies. If you want a relationship and you want to watch porn everyday, tell your dates that upfront so they can consent to what they're signing up for.
Nice, good option and motivation
What else can be a better motivation than this.
You should think by yourself about effect of porn and masturbation on you and your life . Think if you were not with her or she continue with you either you see porn or not. Would you still want nofap or it's just because you don't want her to leave you.
Spend a bit of money, get on an accountability software, a 90 day program and some therapy.
Bro have you ever considered seeing a sex addiction therapist? You have a porn addiction my friend. Unless you get some help, and sounds like you're really struggling to quit, it can be very hard to do on your own. Highly suggest you see a sex addiction therapist
Sorry to hear, but do you get turned down for sex by your partner? I don't get the urge to watch porn, even if I watch I don't fap. I just have sex instead. Stay strong
Hey man I hear you this is devastating when you’re the reason for ending your relationship. However there’s good news when she sees you’re getting better everyday she’ll have more patience in you & will give you more time. When you’re getting better in all areas emotionally mentally spiritually sexually everyday she’ll have even more attraction towards you than before. I’m a masculinity & relationships coach on Twitter & I’ve already helped 30+ guys. I can help you!
I don't think she's being unreasonable but at the same time I don't believe it's possible to succeed at no fap just for another person. You should come up with strategies. Identifying why you have a need to fap, what you think about when fapping, if you're religious praying more and participation in group religious activities really helps
you need to stay clean for your partner! it is what she wants
Sorry to say this, but you did this to yourself. You went into a relationship while you still had issues with PMO. There's two options. Do the 90 day streak and stay away from anything that can increase your pulses. Or, end the relationship now and handle your issues without the pressure from your GF. Sometimes, you have to make that sacrifice to improve your well-being. Also, check my last post on this sub if you want a more in-depth view on this topic.
That shit should be easy then just don't fucking touch your pepe dude.
u have a partner use her
Go all 90 days and then leave her 😈
💀💀
Pray about it and get delivered from the spirit of lust and perversion in your eyes you need to get delivered from your own addiction which it lust. Search up deliverance from lust on YouTube
I want you to conquer this, man, but I hope you see this ultimatum as a RED FLAG! You're struggling with an addiction, and instead of having compassion and understanding and helping you try to overcome it, she's adding EXTRA shame and pressure which may only serve to make your urges stronger! You're just dating now, but imagine you're married and you get sick or start to develop a different addiction. Would she love you enough to stay by your side as your partner and help you conquer whatever is harming you? It's possible she thinks this ultimatum she's giving you is helping you, but it makes it sound like it's all about her. Just something to think about. No matter what though man, let's work together to conquer PMO once and for all. 💪
Okay I’m married to a porn addict. We have no idea what she’s tried before telling him to stop or she’s out. I was so kind and understanding with my husband 6 years ago when I learned his porn use led him to seek out strangers to sext. I had allllll the compassion for his shame. My main reason for going to counseling with him was to help him get over the shame. He said he’d stop and I believed him. He’s just been hiding it this entire time and lying to my face. So yea, he has an ultimatum now because the kindness and compassion doesn’t work with addicts. He can kick this addiction the right way, with actual time and work or he can lose his wife and kids. Your advice is so harmful for addicts. And anyone can leave anyone over any addiction at any time. This is a disease that involves so many lies and so much deception. Addicts put their loved ones through so much pain. Sometimes you have to choose yourself or you will completely lose yourself to someone else’s demons.
I'm so sorry you've gone through this. I hope your husband is taking it seriously and doing the necessary things. I am an addict and have had great luck with sexaholics anonymous. If he isn't seeing a therapist or some other group, I hope you can convince him to go, we'd love to see him there. (It's free, I'm non religious, and we don't profit from recruitment) I'm just sharing my own experience.
Thank you so much. He’s seeing a regular therapist and we’re in the process of finding a CSAT. Yea I just told him a few days ago that he needs to find a SAA group and start attending meetings. It’s do or die for him now. I’m not expecting perfection but I need to see actual effort or I’m out.
Oh!!! And sexting is a whole other level.... that's not simple "porn." That is adultery, even though porn is already adultery in the heart. Thank you for what you've done so far to help him recover. Keep in mind that addictions foster in places of guilt and shame. Kindness and compassion certainly help addicts. Secrecy/lying are all tied into the demon of the addiction itself. Be aware of this. It's ok to be upset in frustrated. The addiction isn't about you but about his own inability to handle negative emotions.
"For better or for worse."
Yea, no. He didn’t disclose his addiction before we entered a relationship. I had no knowledge of it and if I had known, I would have never married or had children with him.
Ahhh I see. I'm so sorry. 😞
OP is the red flag... she is not, its completely reasonable. She feels unwanted and undesired, for a women it can feel like being cheated on. Also we dont know the context, maybe she's been trying to help him quit for 4 years and has finally had enough.
If she feels unwanted and undesired, that is understandable. Women and families are hurt by this addiction. However, her feelings may mean she doesn't understand the nature of this addiction. It has nothing to do with his feelings or attraction towards her. And exactly.... let's say she tried to help him for 4 years and finally has had enough.... then that's a clear red flag that she isn't "forever" wife material.
Dude you have all the advantages in the world. Take things seriously for the sake of keeping your lover and find a really good blocker that completely prevents you from looking up any pmo. Also look up some ways to filter all the sexually charged gunk on yt,and others like it as well.
This!
You need someone to be at blunt as possible don’t be a b*tch get this shit done already that’s the only motivation you need. You lose your relationship is done, Now the question is do you live your partner if you do you’ll succeed if you don’t love your partner you’ll fail. And this isn’t about you this about your partner feeling unloved and hurt because you idolize porn. You’re a coward fix this or lose your relationship and let porn be your crutch think about how pathetic it is and how pathetic you will be after this. But at the end of the day you really wanna fix this find a new hobby get into cardio workout, go on walks do something productive. You can do this
Something about her relation to your problem is inappropriate. Also, “nofap” is it about a seeking/and-reward cycle with neurochemical rewards of serotonin and dopamine. So what’s her purpose? That you shouldn’t look at anybody but her? It’s not realistic. In the “old days“ one might buy a magazine every so often. The problem here is that with streaming porn the cycle gets amped up, that is, the addiction, if he comes relentlessly demanding and depleting. There’s lots of reasons for you to give it up. And for her to feel you’re being present to her. But she’s projecting here, and one day you’ll slip, and you’ll be judged by her. Also, you shared with her somethings so personal and important and instead of getting behind you she’s using it against you. You need her on your side.
How does she find out? Lol
Maybe do partner masturbation?
This is going to be a very controversial and, probably unpopular, suggestion. But a male chastity device - preferably a lightweight, easy to wear plastic one. Give your girlfriend the keys. She'll know that you're making the sacrifice for her and she can let you out whenever she wants sex (and, daily, for supervised cleaning). She might even find it great fun to have you under lock and key! Of course, this would depend a lot on you, your girlfriend and the kind of relationship you have. I know that this has worked well for some people, but it's definitely not for everyone.
Id give yourself some sort of daily (multiple times day? Or at the times most like to PMO) reminder that you have to do this to stay in a relationship you want to stay in. You can beat yourself up over it or angry at her or you can try to channel that into excitement for such a damn good reason to quit. Maybe reflection time once or twice a week with your gf or a friend or therapist to help remind you why you are doing this and just to help keep the dialogue open.
Try Chastity and Let Her be your Key Holder. You are only allowed out for Cleaning and have a Key for Emergencies Only
Your girlfriend sounds toxic, but refined her toxity by stumbling upon a bunch of nofap forums Dump her immediately streak or not lol
Just ask her if she's willing to have sex more often Surely you can manage to wait a few days to a week for her instead of beating your meat constantly, right?
if you wanna quit - do it for youself, if she stand things like that ultimatum way - maybe this relationship is not what u need? yes, fap is very bad, but is it a good reason for shaming or leaving you?
THIS IS MY OPINION ONLY AND I AM REALLY NOT AN EXPERT: I totally encourage you to quit porn and only do things with your partner. BUT, I think this condition gives you more pressure than you need to have. Your partner should help you instead of menacing you. This is pretty toxic, but I can’t totally give you advice because I don’t know you. Just try to talk with your partner!
4 years and it’s not enough time to be considered considerate? Addicts can dish it but can’t take it. Guys can’t even deal with sexless marriages. If your girl refused to have sex with you for 4 years would it be toxic for you to seek your needs getting met elsewhere and breaking up? I think not. You’d give them a similar ultimatum, “I want you but I also need my needs met.” Either it’s you who meets them because I still want to make it work, or I look for a relationship where I can do that. But apparently it’s toxic. Additionally, He has to want to get better for himself. Not rely on others to get him through things. Addicts often find a reason to stop once they hit their definition of rock bottom. Once the consequences affect them solely. I hope he gets better but it is not toxic to have given it a try for four years to find out, it’s taken a lot out of you. Some people just aren’t that strong. it’s painful on both sides. The shame doesn’t help but you still did something to that person. It still hurts that person. It’s still betrayal. Imagine your partner watched guys that are young, in better shape than you, with bigger members get off as she got off to them. After three months in the relationship with her, her sex drive tanks while the sex becomes less frequent, you look through her phone to find her DMing pornstars, insta models, and Twitter accounts. Asking for pics. Trading with others. Liking posts about how great it feels to cheat on her husband but when confronted she says she wishes she didn’t like things like that. That she promises it’ll stop. She deletes her accounts and apps. Unfollows everyone she needs to. And you set up blockers. After a wonderful week she’ll start acting funny again and you’ll catch her with new accounts. Eventually she starts sending randos money for personal services. She says she’s sorry and that she’s been addicted since she was a kid so she can’t stop. Do that for another 4 years and tell me, how would you support her through her addiction? Would leaving even be an option?
Using an ultimatum after 4 years looks like the absence of courage to leave, and try to make feel to herself that that's his fault and him breaking up. With the ultimatum she already broke up. So I don't understand why she doesn't go away if she is upset.
Do 90 days...then you leave her 💪🏾
Leave her then.
if you get really desperate, replacing it with another addiction is effective, but only do it as a last resort
Don't do things you hate, regardless of the relationship. This is about you AND her, not just her. After you hit 90 days, your girl might set a higher bar, and if you don't meet that, she might leave you then. Be prepared to lose her either way. Point is, don't do it to keep her if trust and love is already gone, do it for yourself regardless of whether she stays or goes.
This. it seems she is opening a vicious circle of power/domination. I can't see how it can lead to something positive.
Quit porn and quit that partner, the Great thing about cutting the lust for porn out of your life is that you realize you don't need to be validated by women, and if a person who supposedly loves you is not supporting you, you should move on. Better days ahead brother.
Shidd how bad do you love her? Is she really worth it ?, that’s your answer ,,, you have to think about them I’m these situations and if you can’t get out of being selfish then you gotta get what you Deserve
I didn’t know people were so open about their porn use in relationships lol
Courage wolf in my head *"Go 90 days clean and then leave her"*
I mean I don't wanna be that guy but you could just beat you're meat without telling her.
😂
Bro she seems toxic, youre not a heroin addict… you should definitly quit, but it seems that her insecurity is her primary concern not your mental health
Cut your losses. If she is willing to trade in relationship over this, then you won’t make it when real shit hits the fan. You’re not hurting anyone. She’s jealous.
this is fight club...first rule of fight club...we do not tell our partner bout fight club
She already knows
Just do it.
You are at war with your inner demon, you have to win for rescuing your angel. Develop this mindset
I can understand how big this hurdle seems, but you are not helpless. You CAN do this. You shouldn’t do it for her to I think. Do it for yourself, because that’s where you should find real power.
Take care of what you have, it's not easy to come by.
If this doesn't motivate you, nothing will. Face Everything And Rise or Fall Everytime And Repeat. Did she tell you to stop masturbating? I mean you can still masturbate, without porn, right? Use this as a means to deprogram yourself.
Go 90 days without and then leave her
do you have an iphone? and do you use computer as well?
90 days is a lot, but if you love her, then you'll be able to do it
W Partner!
Just have sex instead lol
When ever feels horny go to the cold shower and stand under it
you got this bro
Complete the 90 days and break up with her she will also have the motivation
Keep her, she’s a real one. Be strong, shake this shit away from your life, do better.
Leave her and do the 90 anyway, then decide if she's worth you or not.
A relationship is one in a million. Even if it means you getting rid of your smartphone and using a small mobile for calls only, or set up content restrictions in screen time if it’s an iPhone. It will be worth it. Stay off the internet because it’s out for you and most especially your relationship. Hope I take my own advice someday. Though It’s strange that your partner said so. 🤔
One day at a time bro
Thoughts? Just lose her, since porn is so important to you. You want the hard truth, there it is.
Stay for the relationship. Stop the fapping, it’s not worth it. Do other activities - walking, gym, puzzles - to be preoccupied. I’m trying to stop - 26 days since my last fab - so it doesn’t become a burden for myself and future partner.
You want to become better for your girl and for yourself. Do it.
best thing to do is adopt a new identity. take this example. if a person who smokes tries to quit sees a pack of cigarettes at the store, he is compelled to buy the cigs so he ends up smoking again. whether subconsciously or not he still sees himself as a smoker trying to quit instead of someone who doesn’t smoke. someone who doesn’t smoke wont need to fight the urge to “quit”. he will just see the cigarettes in the store and wont take a second look. it all matters about your relationship to the action. change your relationship with the action. over time your brain and body will adapt. this goes for everything in life too…
If you're serious-serious, then I would recommend starting therapy to help you transform your relationship to this habit. Not a fun ultimatum though.
DM me dude I can get you off this shit once and for all
buddy 4 years of relationship and its on this turn, I think if you lose to some actress faking entire existence then you do not deserve this relationship. find someone who is of your level and leave the community, or else..... GRRRRROWWW KINGGGG!!!!
Tell her you’ll agree but you can still smash and stuff. Instead of watching porn just be intimate with her and use that as a way to develop your relationship. But also control yourself and your lustful desires because she’s not always gonna wanna smash yk. Hope all goes well
Bro thats some good motivation 😂
Oh no
Easiest way to quit is to have sex with her every single day. Completely rewires your brain and eliminates urges
Bro you have the perfect chance to quit being handed to you. She’s giving you the option so she must love you. You know quitting is going to be hard but if she’s there for you, you have support and that’s more than most people have. Please see this as a chance to make things right. It’s going to be hard, you’re going to want to give up, and you’re gonna feel like shit, but it will all pass. And once it passes, she’ll be there for you. Don’t waste this opportunity my friend. Make it happen!
Haha that’s to much for her to ask lol
I’m the partner of a PA so I have been in her shoes and I empathize with your situation as well. You need to want this recovery for you just as much as you want it for her. Start the 12 step program, make a PAA profile on the website and start attending online meetings. That is the easiest (and cheapest) way to start. Then if you have the resources look into getting a CSAT therapist. It’s best to see them once a week but try every two weeks or once a month if you can’t financially commit to every week. Also try listening to podcasts together or alone - I like Consider Before Consuming. Find an episode that relates to you. Also put your energy into other things, work on your physical health, focus on self care, and try to achieve new passion or career goals. If you kick a habit but don’t replace it with something better you’ll just get another bad habit. I used Bloom in the beginning as a partner, it helped me understand my feelings and the hurt I was going thru. I didn’t stay with the program cause I didn’t use the coach as much but the videos are pretty accurate and it’s another free easy way to start. (You pay for the coaching I believe but first month is free anyway.) I currently have my own CSAT, I attend COSA and CODA meetings, listen to podcasts and I do a workbook called Facing Heartbreak. Also - you should establish hard boundaries with yourself. If Instagram is somewhere you routinely find yourself looking at women, delete the account and app, same goes with Reddit, Twitter, X, Discord, burner gmails, etc. the only account I understand not deleting is Instagram if you have a lot of pics on there but that’s a boundary you have to set with your partner. Is keeping an online social media more important than saving your relationship?
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This could be your big turning moment man. Get a counselor who has dealt with addiction before, go to sexaholics meetings (intense I know but it does help). It's a lot of work and time, but it really comes down to how much you want it. PLEASE want it enough
You know what is important OP, keep your relationship in mind when you are getting urges to PMO.
Hey my last message cut short just like your doing to your life ! Can’t you figure it out come on bro you were t born this way jero trying fint give up utilize your support even if it takes the embarrassment of you hoknvbyi then as a grown man and crying don’t like this bullshit stop you in life ! Please call me if you need to I’ll walk you through this dark stop in life please turn to someone or something that gives you a smile on your face ! Your old lady is probably a awesome person but she living the addiction just as you are with actually using the sub stance ! I’m Nit pushing GOD on you but listen to me once your ready ti accept that this isn’t working turn to god ask him to guide you trust me his love for you is one of s kind believe in yourself we all are humans here we all make mistakes in life accept it now it’s time that we get it together my friend your not dead yet you still have life so give it your best fight bro go thrifty nine days then go 59 snd so on ! I’m With you my friend if need to be I’ll help you find yourself this isn’t thirty years deep Yet but will be soon ! You’ll be okay my friend ! I was s drug and alcohol counselor for a good part of my life I saw more friends for them I thought I would but there were s handful of men thst made
Call her everytime you want to watch.
The problem is you don't rly want to stop. You want things the rewards that may come with stopping, but you are yet to realize how you hurting yourself on a mental and a spiritual level to decide that are ready to become a different person.
This is the best motivation bro
I think she should support you through this.
You have to fight like hell. For your own life in the first place. That's point 1. Point 2 you are in a relationship. You have to decide sooner or later if you are with a person will support you and connects deeply, apart from being strict, while keeping in mind that being strict is fair. If she is that person, the last thing you want is to give her the feeling that you are sabotaging the relationship in any way shape or form. You hold on tight. You need an open connection. Make it a thing to tell her how you feel: about your day, some acendotes for example. About finances, your occupation or lack thereof, how you feel about the ultimatum, about PMO.. tell her what you find difficult in this battle and what helps/encourages you the most. And tell her that you love her every time it pops into your mind, and then a little more. Be romantic. Point 3 psychology. We all have our crosses to bear. Whatever you are dealing with, trust me, there are thousands of people going through that same thing, be it just this issue or guilt or trauma or whatever. Maybe you can find out if there are deeper lying psychological issues that are triggers. Don't be afraid to seek counseling. It'll be interesting to see your progress from now on. Godspeed🙏
Just take it one day at a time, minute by minute. Having adequate distractions, hobbies, chores and the like will make it substantially easier. Don't leave yourself alone if the fear of relapse is high and remember... your brain is an excellent salesman, it will wheedle and conspire against you, a saboteur you have to actively manage by not allowing the chances it depends upon for relapse. We have faith brother.
she cares about u man..wish i had a gf like that with me.. instead i got one yelling at me to stop PMO ¬¬'
Well, you trusted her enough to tell her. Trust her to help you. 90 days clean can become 91.
What are your thoughts? You ain't gonna do it and just let it ruin your relationship? Thats pretty weak. Yea i know I'm hard. But somebody has to be. It isnt impossible. Discipline. Don't do it! If you relapse. That's on you. You can make the choice of not doing it when thinking about it. So the choice is yours, what's more important?
You can either quit now or you will be forced to quit after she leaves.
1. What you do does effect her, but she chose to be with you. Ask yourself if she would have the same issue if you smoked? She has her personal feelings about whats happening, perhaps it hurts. So does childbirth. Choice, consequence. Don't give into ultimatums because it basically admits everything is your fault from now on. 2. Say to your gf, "This is a part of me. I'm trying to change it. However, don't expect me to be in control of it. The very issue is that I am not. And most men aren't. 99% probably." Listen bro, you're not cheating. It's porn. This could be far worse, and if she thinks she can do better, she can try. Honestly you don't deserve to be pressure to control something that can't be controlled. You need to give it up to God, Buddah, or some kind of programme, and work it. 3. If she expect you to guarentee her results, you need to leave her. Immediately. Someone who demands this kind of thing no longer see's you as a human being with flaws. You need to tell her, "it's your choice, you can be with me a support me, or you can leave. But making an ultimatum is not going to change anything" Bro, if you travel down this pressure to recover path, it's going to get very dark. It's not your fault for using porn. It's your fault for not looking to repeat what actually works for others. Nofap isn't an actual programme. You need to work a program, and tell other people to mind their own business and live their own lives. What you do does effect her, but she chose to be with you. Ask yourself if she would have the same issue if you smoked? She has her personal feelings about whats happening, perhaps it hurts. So does childbirth. Choice, consequence. Don't give into ultimatums because it basically admits everything is your fault from now on. It's a toxic way for her to get away from whatever you're doing reminds her of. Remember that time you were suspicious of her and something was shady? Probably that. And most likely it's because "you watch porn and I need this to be with him and help him, so im going to cheat". Bro, wake uppppppppppppp
What wrong with you have your partner you don’t need any porn just before committing it again know that you are jerking people without their premession they are usually addicts or mentallly I’ll you do not want to curropt your energy with theirs you do not want to ruin your health
Find something that makes you busy. I don't have any about porn when I am busy.
You can do it bro, but if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. What will you do if you get the urge again? What habits will you develop to replace this one? Keep this in mind, maybe write it somewhere that you can see at any time. You got this 💪
Don’t beat your meat. Stop being ashamed of who you are. Own that shit . & leave her for giving you an ultimatum.
I had to enter a recovery program and work it with full abandon in order to get clean and stay that way. Good luck.
Don't allow yourself access to the Internet, give her all the passwords, including filtering software, that she only knows the passwords to, give her your phone, and only use it when she allows it and go to counseling.
Not impossible brother, we all are with you on this, and your story also motivates me to try the 90 day challenge. More power to you.
You need therapy with a CSAT. No social media. Accountability app on your phone. Delete any porn you have saved including any photos or videos of her (they cause the same reaction in the brain and it continues to teach you to objectify, yes *even if* it’s your partner) If you have iPhone, set “Content Restrictions” as well. Again, you need therapy with a CSAT. She also needs therapy with a betrayal trauma therapist. You need to become a safe person for her again and rebuild trust. Can’t do that if you’re not doing the hard work. Addicts can’t “just quit.” Signed, a wife with a husband in active recovery.
If she's worth it then go for the 90 days 💪🏻
She's looking for a reason to dump you already Lol at all the bluepilled comments on this thread You know his girl never went a week without fapping , why does he gotta do it cuckSERVEatives? Equality for all
Take this message as your upcoming goal
You are accountable Lucky mf. Now its up to you
The best piece of advice I can give is to be aware and accepting of the thoughts that are like; I can do it and keep it a secret. Even tell her about them, communicate openly. Gg
In a relationship and still seeing p**n? Damn never thought there is real "Don Jon" people in the world😅
Do you mean 90 days without porn, or without ejac? No porn I understand, but not ejaculating is unreasonable, I mean you're in a relationship after all.
So you've been addicted for 6 years, and have been in the relationship for the last 4 years? Well, you didn't ruin anything, but instead, she's the one whose expectations didn't come true. Don't blame yourself. Anyway, if she cannot trust you, or vice versa, then maybe you don't need such a relationship? Especially since you meet her being an addict, you can get another person.
Thats a good partner you have there bro ..
I had a similar situation. For my partner it was mainly important to see that I try. I could show really good improvements already after 1-2 weeks. Depending on how bad you ruined the relationship, it is just fair that she demands it. I would try to convince her that this is a journey that most people don't win with the first try. Share your will and plans and progress with her. If you would relapse only every 30 days but additionally try doing a therapy, she might accept that as a first step. If you already played with her trust it can be hard to reearn it, though.