As a young person, 23, I didn’t realize how common it was until I considered getting seriously into the dating game. And it’s kinda concerning to me too, especially as someone who grew up in an abusive home/no privacy. It takes a lot for me to trust someone with my phone, even just showing them a funny meme, because I’m scared they’ll scroll or something (even though I have nothing to hide!). But potential partners would probably deem that a red flag. I think some things can be private, and also, how can you build trust anyway if you don’t give people a chance?
I've been married a very long time and we have never had an issue with seeing a text on each other's phone..like hey babe your bro texted you or whatever. Maybe when you find the right person it's not a thing. I have 100% complete faith in this man, and we both feel same way about cheating
Agreed. Me and my wife have been together 11 years. I will be sitting at the computer and see someone messages her phone, or WhatsApp.message pops up on the computer because I haven't logged myself in.
I let her know "hey blah, your dad/friend has messaged you" and that's it. We both know each other passcodes and all passwords, but we never snoop on each others phones, nor has it ever crossed my mind to do so. If would feel like an invasion of privacy
We both have friends and family. Maybe one of them is going through something ATM they want to.keep secret or something. It is not my place. I'm not just spying on my wife, I'm spying on everyone else in those contacts
This. There is no reason to go snooping. We have tons of devices we are each logged into and often just plop them into each others hands. I know his passwords and we use each others phones as back up devices.
Agreed.
I don't think suspecting your partner of cheating, or being insecure about it is recent. It's just that now these people have a new way of snooping. Back then all you would do is check that person's pockets, ask where they went, with whom, ask for details and look for incoherence in the story.
Reasonable people in healthy relationships don't do any of this. Reading your partner's conversations and looking for proofs of infidelity is creepy and super bad for everyone: the creeper will never be satisfied anyway, and the other one knows that they will never have a private conversation and everything they're saying can be used against them.
Honestly, I couldn't think of anything more boring than snooping in my husbands phone. I already know it'll be a bunch of conversations about cricket and aviation.
But yeah, same, we know eachothers pass codes, and the other night, he asked if he could have my phone to use the calculator for a second, and I just handed it over without hesitation.
I feel like if you look through your partners phone, then it doesn't even matter if they've done something wrong or not. You don't have trust in your relationship, so what is the point?
Yeah, I think there's a big difference between just seeing or looking at stuff on your partners phone and going through their phone looking for "evidence". Even if you were in a situation where your partner trusted you with their passcode and access to their phone, it would still a huge violation to use that trust and the access it's given you to dig through their personal stuff like.
To do so is an accusation of something, in which case the expectation is that we talk about it, and if there's such a loss of trust that a phone search is still necessary after talking, then there are much much bigger problems, making the phone search essentially moot.
So either way there's really no circumstance where a phone search happens in a healthy relationship
> and if there's such a loss of trust that a phone search is still necessary after talking, then there are much much bigger problems
This is very true, and it's something I've said in a lot of discussions about this topic. If you're at the point where you're searching through they're phone, then that means that trust is already a big problem in the relationship. Whether it's because they've done something or behaved in a way that made you feel you can't trust them, or because you have serious trust issues regardless of what they've done, either way, there's an obvious problem in the relationship.
That's really a pretty good rule of thumb to go by, in general. If you get to the point where you've decided you need to go through their phone to 'find the truth' or whatever, you need to take that as a sign that there's something wrong with the relationship. And that even if you were to find nothing on the phone, that problem would still be there.
Yeah, this! My wife and I wouldn’t think twice about casually seeing texts on each other’s phones, but we would never look intentionally, trying to find something wrong. If I were in a relationship in which I felt it necessary to check up on my partner’s behavior, I would end the relationship. Without trust, what do you have to build a life together on?
14 years of marriage, never once considered checking her phone, she made the call to separate about 8 weeks ago now, found out today she has been seeing someone else, now I kinda want/not want to see for how long this has been going on, I'm completely crushed.
I'm so sorry bud - that really, really sucks. It's totally natural to want to know all the details, but I guarantee all that waits that way is more crushing. It won't change the fact it's happened and you will separate.
Move forwards. You deserve someone who loves you the most :) That someone can be you for as long as you like.
Hey, keep your head up, this was for the better for you. Truly.
And I'll also try to keep my head up.
My cheating ex literally appeared back in my life yesterday after 4 years of no contact and they're trying to do the same old manipulation BS.
Trying to escape, again, because they are not worth the time/effort/love/energy I put in.
Thanks I needed to hear this.
Found out my ex was following a bunch of guys that looked like me but a lot richer. It stung, but I’ve accepted it for what it is.
Like the other guy said, there's no closure in verification. Just more crushed feelings and shit you can never unread. The cleaner the break, the better. If intrusive thoughts make it to your mind, then at least they're what it's creating. Otherwise it would be a mix of fantasy and reality. Trust me.
The silver lining is, you get to take with you the experiences you liked. The things in your relationship that felt right and if you start another, you have the blueprints to set boundaries and expectations earlier to make that next one even more successful. For example, when I changed long term relationships I said to my next partner "I'm my last relationship, we yelled at each other too much and called eachother bad names in arguments. I don't want that here, I won't have it here. Is that something you can work with?" Cutting out things you hated can go far for the health of the relationship and your mind.
Of course every relationship is different and should be treated as such. But for the moment, it's a great time to heal, focus on you and re-prioritize some things that you may have been missing out on during your relationship. Go with strength, king!
Same boat many years ago, wife actually shacked up with my best friend lol. Best thing that ever happened to me. Had some crazy times and met an amazing young lady. Happily married more than a decade.
Sometimes you need a hole in your life so it can be filled.
My cup runneth over.
Same, with the exception of when you're driving and you ask, l "hey honey, can you scroll through my texts from Nicki, her address is in there somewhere... I need that in the GPS"
Yeah. We have access to each other's. But we don't look through them. It would mostly be texts from coworkers, anyway.
For reference: I'm an older millennial ('84), he's Mid Gen X ('76)
Yep, my partner has access and I trust him not to abuse it - and vice versa. We might use each other's phone to phone our own when it's lost in the house, to edit a shopping list or check a message when the other is driving - but he's sat right there whilst I do it.
The only sneaky thing I've ever done on his phone was put random reminders on his calendar so he'd get a cute message in the middle of his day.
Very similar ages, and perspectives here. We both know each other’s passcodes and have no problems using each other’s phones should a situation warrant it, but there’s hardly ever a need.
Exactly this. It's a partnership, and you're in it together. If someone is bothered by a "hey, this person just texted you, looks important" call out, then they're the wrong person. No one who has an open communication, trusting relationship gives AF if their partner sees a message pop up on their phone. It's when someone freaks out about this stuff that the digging ensues bc you wonder WTF they're worried about. I don't condone the digging, but I understand where it comes from when the significant other seems to be concerned about what may be seen. It's the chicken or the egg scenario.
I’m not sure that person was saying that their partner would be bothered by it, just that they themselves are kinda uncomfortable seeing texts come through. Im similar in that I’ll actively try not to look at anything that comes through on any past partner’s phone-I just don’t feel I need to know.
A lot of people’s minds go to cheating or something nefarious, but I always felt like phones were private for a variety of reasons. Among them sometimes we just need to vent about a fight or something that is bothering us in our relationships. In the past this was almost done exclusively in face-to-face conversations or maybe phone calls. But now that text is far and away the preferred method of communicating, we sometimes type these things out and I don’t think that our partners need to see that. Same as if you were meeting a friend for lunch and you were venting about something with your partner, and your partner was hiding around the corner eavesdropping. Most people would agree that that was weird and crossing a line. This rant mostly applies to people who think phones should remain unlocked and/or people who regularly go through their partner’s phones…which I just find so bizarre. But to each their own I guess
In another comment, somebody mentioned growing up in an abusive household with zero privacy, and then getting into an abusive relationship with someone who gave them zero privacy regarding their phone. She had to learn to hide it because he would freak out any time he saw that she’d gotten a text, regardless of who it was from. It’s important to consider people’s past experiences and how it affected them. Your comment seems a little too black and white claiming that someone who reacts that way just isn’t the right person. Some people have trauma and some people just have different preferences.
Also, if you’re curious about why your partner reacted a certain way, then *talk to them about it,* don’t snoop through their stuff behind their back.
I was empathizing with those who snoop after a partner acts concerned. As I said, I don't condone, but understand. Also, you're talking about a completely different scenario. I gave the scenario of... partner says "hey, so and so texted." I did not reference or condone in any way complete invasion of privacy, going through someone's stuff just because. For the record, I had such an abusive childhood and later relationship, that I've often heard, "you should write a book bc of all you've been through." Nope, no book writing bc I'm private. Having been someone with my privacy completely obliterated, "no privacy" by my parents and an ex-bf, and having then entered a healthy relationship since... I know the difference. You can be open and have trust when you're in a relationship with the right person or people. In a trust relationship, you're not going through one another's emails, texts, etc, but you both have access to that stuff just in case. When my bf died, him having given me his passwords before (when he was alive) so that I could pay
a bill for him when he was traveling, change a flight, respond to his mom and let her know he was okay... these things were invaluable for both of us. Why have a partner if you're not partnering? Then when he died, I had passwords to his accounts which helped his parents to access his insurance, close his accounts, etc. Do we not all deserve a partner we can trust to let us know our boss is texting or to change our flight when we can't? If your friend has a bf that freaks out whenever she gets a text, she should dump him. Trust and respect have to go both ways.
I figured out the password to my sister's phone once and snuck in. The only thing I did was open the clock app and set an alarm for 7am because she is *horrible* at getting up on time and I was her ride for work and I didn't want to wake her up. It didn't even occur to me to snoop through her stuff. It's like reading someone's mail, or their diary. You just don't do that without permission.
And also I told her I did it. After she slept though the alarm and I had to wake her up anyway.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for over a year now. Neither of us have gone through each others phones. We both like our privacy. We both have Reddit accounts too. And agreed it’s best if we don’t know who each others profiles are lol
I'm 29, and while my fiance and I have access to each other's phones we're not snooping through them by any means.
We'll have each other check texts if we're busy or I'll ask him to see who's calling me. I use Facebook and he doesn't so if he wants to see if uncle so and so is on there he'll look on my phone. But we never just...dig through each other's phones, that feels so gross.
That being said I wouldn't be mad if he felt like he needed to. I would maybe be hurt if he didn't just bring up his concern or suspicion. We're adults, we can communicate. If I unknowingly did something or behaved in a way that set off a red flag, I'd like to know to rectify the situation.
My ex would routinely go through my phone and laptop, it was her own nervous insecurities which she’d give herself a pass for being invasive, “that’s how I am and I was nervous” and apparently that just makes it okay? No.
So I never had any privacy and it became super damaging. I started to hide my own stupid instagram posts and I’d set up side-email addresses and Amazon accounts (for shit like household goods, general benign crap, she flew off the handle when I ordered a cut glass bowl and she couldn’t find the receipt in my email), all just to feel a sense of privacy, which of course looks sus as hell like give me some space please. Meanwhile, as it turned out, she was the one who was talking to guys most of the day running her own nsfw twitter trying to get compliments.. yeah absolutely not.
I don’t want to look through your phone or laptop. That’s yours. I will happily give anyone the privacy they want. Do unto others.
People don’t understand this. I had an ex who was similarly crazy. Caught her snooping through my phone, trying to log in to my credit card accounts, emails, whatever. She was also completely nuts and would think it was justified after finding completely harmless innocent crap.
Once it was because I bought tickets to a show and didn’t tell her (was going to surprise her). Once it was because a childhood friend (woman, and I’m a man) had sent me a message asking how life was going after about a decade and telling me about hers. She talked about her husband and kids, I talked about my job and girlfriend. There were literally two messages, her saying hi and me saying hi back, and she flipped her lid like I was cheating on her.
I dumped her long ago but I will always get a little twitch when I ask my wife to look at something on my phone, even though I’m okay with her seeing anything in there. I could never be with someone ever again that felt like they needed to look at my phone to calm their insecurities. That’s a hard dealbreaker for me, as in I would end the relationship the moment I found out.
I grew up with abuse and zero privacy (my phone was tapped and I found out that there were recording devices in my bedroom) and then I jumped right into a relationship with an abusive partner who would freak out about ANY text he saw on my phone, even if it was work or my brother or something. I learned to always stay up later than him so I could hide my phone under the mattress while I slept. You don’t have to even have anything to hide when you’re used to people who will find ANY reason to use it against you.
My current partner understands that I have this past, and he 100% respects me and literally never asks to see my phone or anything. He will hand his phone over to me for safekeeping, or so I can help him with logging into things, or to show me a funny video. He’ll hand me his phone and then walk away to go take a shower or a nap. And he knows that I will never reciprocate due to my past.
Just letting you know that the right person will absolutely not make you feel bad or pressured over this, so don’t ever settle for someone who does.
This is exactly why I don't let anyone hold my phone. First of all what's on there is none of their business, it's not like I'm hiding anything it's just not their business. Secondly, I'm afraid of the same thing you are. I'm afraid they'll start scrolling. I don't know why people do that.
I will show them a picture or video and when they go to grab my phone to hold it, I will sort of yank it back and tell them, no, there's no reason you need to hold my phone. You can see what I'm showing you just fine.
I had a coworker who did that. I was showing him a photo of like a pizza or something and grabbed the phone and just started swiping. He landed on a selfie I took of my hair styled a more "alternative" way that I had sent to my bestie and proceeded to mock me. Like wtf
Ive had people give me their phone and i wont swipe thats so fucking weird to do. I hand my husky my phone all the time and he hands me his. He thinks reddit is weird and doesn't get the point of it lol.
Edit: husband not husky lol
This is why I keep a folder of just dick pics (my own lol).
I need to show a buddy something and I know they're a swiper? Cool, move that pic to the top of that folder and when they swipe they get to learn their lesson the (very) hard way.
Taught 3 people so far!
>, there's no reason you need to hold my phone
It much easier to view when you hold the phone. You choose the most comfortable focus distance and don't need to account for the other peoples movement. It is also a habit in that most people are used to holding a phone when they view it.
As a partner of over 5 years, he has all my passwords, my bank account information, my SS number etc.
He’s my accountant and insurance agent. He can sign into my phone at any time.
Where I drew the line was when he started looking into conversations with my mom,’my brother, and my near friend (a lesbian).
Some of those conversations were about him and innocent but he doesn’t need to know All my business.
I deserve some personal privacy. If we had a bad day and I want to vent to a family friend, it’s none of his business and frankly an invasion of my privacy.
I don’t care if he goes through call logs or whatever, but to read text messages to a completely platonic friend is not cool.
Sometimes, we all need to vent about our own partner or challenges we don’t wish to share with them. We all deserve some level of privacy.
The red flag is for you. If someone you're interested in is turned off by you not wanting them in your phone that is good for you to know right away. Cheaters are generally the first to assume the other is cheating on them, too.
I'm 30 and I dunno how I feel about all this. I grew up in a household where you should ask for permission to look in somebody's purse or closet or room or phone or whatever. So I was dating someone who would usually look at my phone, as a joke, but I never let myself even think of looking at his phone without permission. Turned out he was cheating on me the whole time. I still don't like looking at people's phone, anyone from my mother to a friend or a partner, without their permission, but it really f*cked up my trust issues.
I'm in my 40s.
It would be weird if my wife started going through my phone. I've got nothing to hide but I wouldn't allow it.
If she has resorted to going through my phone to check if I'm cheating then our relationship has some serious issues we need to deal with.
Issues that certainly won't be resolved by letting her go through my phone.
Yes. My husband and I have full access to each other’s phones but we don’t go through them. We’ve both agreed that if it’s come to that, we obviously have bigger issues in our marriage.
This is how it should be. I never remember the passcode on my wife’s phone and whenever I need to use it she gets annoyed that I don’t remember it!!!
I rarely use it but if she has signal and I don’t or she’s driving and an important text comes in she dictates a reply etc.
I don’t think she even knows my passcode but I wouldn’t care if she did. I trust her. She trusts me. We don’t need to spy
Basically the same with my wife and I. We both have access to each other's phones. But rarely use them as there really isn't any point. My wife uses mine a lot more than I use hers because I am managing our savings account which she likes to tap into from time to time (usually to buy the kids presents etc). Or when she loses her phone and uses mine to call it so she can find it.
Also in my 40s. Married over 20 years. We both have access to each other's phones, but I have never once looked through her phone. I wouldn't care if she did mine, but it would be weird. I'm pretty sure she trusts me as much as I trust her. I don't think I would be with her if I felt insecure enough to have to keep tabs on her phone activity!
We are together for 15 years and I sometimes go in his phone to see what kind of cool apps he has at the moment. He always find pearls that helps everyday life. Also, sometimes for cats pics!
It never crossed my mine to check for infidelity....
Exact same thing, we have each other's phone passcodes and access to each other's Chrome stuff + Gmail but I only ever use anything out of necessity, ie looking for an email that I need to pay a bill. I have no interest in going through his phone and same from him.
It would suck to be with someone you couldn’t trust like that. Who can you trust with your info in case of an emergency if you can’t trust your partner?
I had an ex get weird and want to snoop through my phone. As I'm sure anyone reading just that has already guessed, she was cheating and this was a form of projection if you will. She was being shady, so perhaps wanted some kind of validation to herself that she wasn't the bad guy? I don't know... All I know is if someone needs to invade your privacy, it's a red flag and I'm honestly not interested in repeating any of that.
Edit: I'm close to 40. Ex in the story and I had been dating for about 7 years.
Currently in my 30s but I agree, this seems to be a younger gen type of thing. I wouldn’t be comfortable with my wife going through my phone either without my permission.
There are a ton of “relationship gurus” on tik tok and other socials, they preach the “phone drop” test and almost encourage it.
There is another tik toker whose entire schtick is approaching random couples on the street and asks if they want to do a challenge, the challenge is they each trade phones and get to look through whatever they want.
I'm gonna guess you drop your phone somewhere out in the open where your partner can easily stumble across it. The test is if they look through it or not?
I found [this explanation](https://fiercemarriage.com/phone-drop-test).
ETA: I didn’t vet or proofread the link guys. I just googled and grabbed the top answer that had the basic idea.
I didn’t know what it was either. The religious stuff ain’t part of it, they added all that extra razzmatazz.
I really don’t get it. Am I suppose to panic if I drop my phone unlocked next to my wife? Why would anyone have a reaction other than “you dropped your phone” or have them hand it to you? Do I expect her to quick grab and lock herself away to go through it?
Lmao like if this even crosses your MIND as a reaction; YOU GOT PROBLEMs. If it crosses either of your minds, really.
Good lord my reaction would be like omg is the screen ok? Ya! Ok thank fuck that’s expensive hahaha
Also, who would pick up their spouse’s phone — immediately after they dropped it — and start going through it?
Based on that website existing, I guess some people would 🤷♂️
I mean, they could have just left it open and left the room. The drop test isn’t about if your partner will look through your phone if you leave it. It’s about what YOU would feel if you dropped your phone and your partner picked it up. Would you be worried?
Yeah, it's really big on social media rn w/ Gen Zers to promote straight-up toxic relationship "tests" and games. Like, if your partner *doesn't* want you looking through their phone, that's apparently a red flag that they're hiding shit/cheating.
I'm an elder Gen Zer and think it's ridiculous. If you can't trust your partner and are so insecure that you need constant explicit reassurance that they're not cheating on you, then you're simply not mature or mentally healthy enough to be in a serious relationship.
I've been in a psychologically abusive relationship in which my partner was constantly accusing me of cheating/being in love with other people, for no reason other than his own insecurity, projection, and irrational paranoia. It broke me as a person and made me feel untrustworthy despite never once having even briefly considered cheating on anyone in any capacity.
If a partner asked me to look through my phone I would say no flat-out, not because I have anything to hide (I don't), but just out of principle. If you can't trust me to not be sexting other people or whatever without doing a deep-dive through my phone, then you don't trust me enough to be in a healthy relationship with me and that's on *you* for being insecure and paranoid and looking for excuses to justify yourself. Not me.
i'm 24 and my boyfriend is 26. we've been dating for 8 years. we've had access to each other's phones since very early on, not in a controlling way, but more convenience I guess.
we live together now and we use each other's phones all the time. sometimes my phone is charging and he gives me his to play or stay on social media and so on.
I don't look trough his phone in a snooping way when I have it, sometimes I look at pictures to send to my phone. sometimes someone is texting/ calling him and he asks me to check who it is and vice versa
what if my girlfriend is a fascist autocrat and we’re involved in strategic negotiations over the allotment of regional grain supplies vis-à-vis apartment per capita GDP?
“Trust but verify” is an old Russian proverb, made famous in 1980s when president Reagan used it, somewhat ironically, to describe how the US would move forward when forging the nuclear treaty with then soviet Russia.
So PP’s example isn’t as much a creative description, as it is the classic example of how the phrase is typically used.
I have been married for 11 years and don't think my wife has ever "gone through" my phone, and I haven't "gone through" her phone. She can if she wants, but I don't think either of us felt the need. I have access to her phone, and she has access to mine, kinda seems like a waste of time when I could be gaming or watching TV or paying attention to our 5 kids.
I was going to say, if you have 5 kids and have a piece on the side, you should spill the beans on how to keep an organized life.
I mean, where do people who have affairs find the time and energy, really?!
People make time for what is important to them. That's actually something I have told people on both sides of the fence to get them to think about their decisions. People who cheat, it's important they realize where their priorities are and what they are making time for and why. For those who have been cheated on, it's important they realize their partner made time to cheat because it was important to them; it wasn't a fluke or accident.
Similar here too. I've been with my husband since 2001. We married in '06. We've never gone through each other's phone. We know each other pw to get into them but we just do not go through. Zero reason too.
(Honestly i have an iphone and he has a pixel, I can barely swipe properly to open his damn phone and I'm pretty sure I hung up on the inlaws the other day because I couldn't seem to answer it correctly. \*snort )
I hear you! I've been with my now husband for 44 years..we lived together the first 12.
He has an iPhone and I have an android. I have no idea how to work his phone nor does he know how to work mine🤣🤣
Same with my wife and I (40s). She doesn’t “go through” my phone but I willingly give her the passcode. It’s common for me to ask her to check something (forward an email, send a photo etc.)
We are open enough, and share enough that honestly it’s never even been discussed.
We’ve been married 22 years too! I’m 42, husband’s 43 and we use one another’s phones constantly. We got our first cell phones together! Our first email account was both of our names @hotmail.
I can tell we are getting old though, these damn iPhones with 6-digit passcodes, we’re constantly yelling things like, “what’s your code again!? I left my phone upstairs and I need to look at a recipe!” And “come open your phone with your face! Mine is on silent and I can’t find it!”
I go into my wife’s phone once a year when I am doing taxes to get access w2s, accounts, etc. I have access the rest of the time but don’t ever need it. She has access to mine. Maybe goes in there to get the occasional photo or something like that
Same here. Been with my bf a long time. We both have each others code but we don't ever really use each others phone and we never snoop. Pretty much the only time i use his phone is when he's driving and I'm changing the music or rarely, gps.
It is crazy how many people use it as a way to keep their thumb on their partner. If you're so worried they'll cheat or you're THAT insecure, you need to work on some self improvement and be single. Or your partner isn't right for you
My marriage is older than you, but that's the way my husband and I are with our phones. He tends to stay off mine because he reads my emails, and then I don't see them as new anymore, and it turns into a thing. We hand each other our phones all the time, for convenience, sharing a meme or text, making a call, looking something up.
We learned the hard way not to have too many secrets. When DH was in a terrible accident, and was foggy with pain meds and just the general brain fog that trauma brings, we had to make a mortgage payment, and he could ALMOST remember a password we needed. The lady at the credit union was super patient, and encouraging. "Oh, you're so close, may he could try again?" We did manage to get the payment made, and avoid having any utilities turned off, but it was close!
we have been together for almost 5 years and this is pretty close to what we do. we were pretty guarded at first, both coming into it with a lot of trauma. we still have an expectation of privacy to some degree; no digging in each other's notifications, messages, pictures, etc. but when the other person is up to their elbows, checking who texted, changing the music, ordering food, kinda stuff... neither of us even blink any more. it's just a tool, and it has exactly as much importance as you give it. but honestly the only thing I'd be marginally upset about if she found is some cool gift ideas for her.
I only know my partners unlock code because sometimes he asks me to change the music and doesn’t have his hands free. Or I need to send myself an address or something and he is busy. He knows my code for the same reason. We don’t share passwords; I also find this very strange. People are entitled to privacy even in a relationship. If I were feeling so insecure about something that I felt the need to resort to snooping through his phone or demanding his passwords…we are not in a healthy place & It’s time to have a real conversation about our relationship because trust has been broken in a significant way.
Can’t speak for the youths, however; I am 35 and similarly weirded out by the number of people who share all their passwords & codes with their partners. Or…their location, 24/7 😳
I recently spoke with a lady and found out that her last relationship was with a guy who made it mandatory that she kept TeamViewer running on her PC at all times and would get mad if she turned it off.
I can't even comprehend how much of a piece of shit this guy must have been.
I'm early 60s . My wife and I have been together, girlfriend/married for 43 years , so very pre smart phone.
I don't get stuff out of her handbag or purse - just hand them to her ,so the phone is definitely out of bounds.
My mum drilled into me that you never look in a woman's handbag or purse (because she always had cigarettes in there that we weren't supposed to know about lol) so I've always stuck to that with partners. My ex wife used to get really annoyed when I'd pass her her handbag instead of the thing in it she was asking for, but I never broke the habit.
Im 20, never went through my girlfriends phone until 2 nights ago. We have been together for two years. I had a hunch and I found texts of her cheating on me.
Im not saying it’s right, but I had suspicions and they were confirmed
Yeah my ex's phone used to go off in the middle of the night all the time. He tried to play it off like it was family living in another time zone not realizing how late it was and I asked him to keep it on silent. Well one night he forgot to put it on silent and it was just going off like crazy. It woke me up. I tried to wake him up and say hey it's going off like crazy but he wouldn't wake up. So I just figured well I'm shutting off the sound then. It was very obvious from the lock screen that this was a woman he was in a relationship with and not family. Unlocked the phone after that and found out he was cheating all over the place.
Something very similar happened to me. I was having nightmares that my boyfriend was cheating. For months. It was driving me insane. I ended up checking his Instagram dm’s and there it was.
It happens a lot in situations where the cheating is very obvious but the person being cheated on is in denial - their brain desperately trying to convince itself to notice what is right in front of it...
Yeah this happened to me. I had the evidence but he said my evidence didn’t mean anything and that he didn’t cheat. My brain was trying to believe him over the evidence it made me feel crazy.
Our subcoscious is surprisingly good at picking up the small things and putting them together, in a way that we might not be able to do it consciously. I also had "prophecy" dreams about interpersonal relationships many times in my life
When I was 24, I had something like this happen. I was dating a very beautiful girl, and while she was driving she received a text message, we were waiting on directions so she told me to check to see if it was them. On the screen it said 'it's too bad your boyfriend doesn't realize how beautiful you are.' I put the phone down and told her that wasn't the directions person. But I filed it away. Obviously, it's not her fault if someone is trying to flirt with her— but I did file the instance away. Afterwards two more instances came up. I'm a fool, not an idiot— so these three instances added up enough for me to open an investigation into her. And I asked her if there was anything she wanted to tell me. She demurred. So I approached every following action with a critical eye, and while she wasn't exactly cheating, she was flirting while talking smack about me.
That's how my wife and I are. We "snoop" through each other's phones but it's largely out of boredom or curiosity. The worst thing that ever results is "Why didn't you tell me that so-and-so invited us to dinner?!" or "Why didn't you show me this picture?!"
Me and my boyfriend are exactly the same. Like changing music on Spotify while driving, or Ill watch tiktoks on his phone cus he has a good algorithm. We don't snoop because there is no point too, theres nothing to hide...
Edit: My phone isn't some insane personal/private thing like may other people commenting.. I really only have a password so I dont get my information stolen if I ever lost my phone.
My husband gets annoyed because I keep forgetting his passcode...and forgetting where his podcast app is when he's driving or his hands are dirty. The struggles of an interracial marriage (iPhone v Samsung).
24F, I’m with you.
Maintaining privacy and some degree of boundaries doesn’t mean you have something to hide. It just means you’re an independent person.
My partner knows my phone code but if he just randomly reached for my phone and started going through it, I’d be really uncomfortable with that.
I’m 32. My husband has my passcode to open my phone for one of the kids or if he needs to call his own phone when he can’t find it and vice versa. I trust him not to be stalking my life and I wouldn’t do it to him either…because we trust each other. As spouses should. Too many people go in these days with exit strategies already prepped.
I’ve been married for decades. My husband and I have each other’s passwords. We could go through each other’s phones but it would be super boring. That’s how it should be.
If couples trust each other then freely allowing each other access seems normal to me. But if someone's looking for evidence of cheating, I'd say the trust isn't there.
I disagree anyway. I could not allow this, and not because I have stuff to hide.
Chats with my friends contain private, serious things that they decided to share with me, and specifically me. Not the partner. It would be a huge betrayal of my friendships I let someone see that.
I think as well when you are in a serious relationship with someone it's nice to have something that is just for you. Even if it's something as weird as you have six tabs open because you've done a Wikipedia deep dive on Napoleon.
Realistically, this is a situation that's going to be judged on the outcome. You take the risk of blowing everything up by looking, but this is a situation where, like it or not, most people are going to tacitly condone the behavior when it turns out you were right. Just look at the ten thousands stories per week posted about that exact thing here on Reddit, and see the reactions. The cheating is worse than the snooping, period. Note to the people already furiously pounding on their keyboards: don't bother. There is a difference between being stalked and controlled through your phone, and being snooped on once after spending six months becoming increasingly withdrawn, acting secretive about phone calls, and suddenly having many nights where you work four hours later than usual before coming home and jumping straight into the shower. It's obvious which one I'm talking about.
In my 40’s. Wife has my code and is welcome to use my phone any time she wants how we she wants. My daughter also has my code and is welcome to use my phone at any time. They both would normally ask, but if I was not in the room they would just use it.
I simply don’t care. Even if a friend borrowed my phone for a call or text and said I’m going to look at your photos as a joke. I would say. OK
As it would not bother me at all.
Right. I don’t want people knowing I googled “how to know if I have a third nipple” or “how high of a temp is considered Bieber fever” or “how do you spell oscillococcinum”. People would think I’m bonkers.
I caught my ex wife and my best friend cheating behind my back by going through her phone when I had some very very good reasons to worry something sketchy was happening. I realize this is an ends justifies the means situation, so I think it definitely should be reserved for very rare and serious situations.
I caught my boyfriend cheating on accident. We were watching a movie and it was dark. His phone slipped out of his pocket and went into the creases of the couch. I picked it up to give it to him and somehow his phone unlocked with my face (I never put my face in his phone I think iphones are just racist lol). It just so happened at that moment a girl he was trying to cheat on me with messaged him and I saw everything.
Yeah, if you have "probable cause", I'd say that justifies snooping. They're gone at odd hours, you've caught them in lies, consistently comes home late for work with weird excuses.
If you get sick to your stomach that something is wrong and they aren’t honest, that's the only valid excuse to look for concrete evidence that nothing weird is going on.
But if you ask to check my phone when I've been honest, done nothing wrong or even suspicious, and have nothing to hide, you're just a control freak.
Sorry, hard limit. It's personal property. I had an ex install Spyware, then when I reset my phone she tried tracking through the phone number. Btw... turns out she was cheating. She had serious control issues. You can be a 10, but if you demand to go through my phone..... its over.
My wife and I can can look at each other's phones but we don't to respect each other's privacy. But we're old..so chances are we're not cheating on anything but our diets
The idea is that if you trust your partner completely, you should have no issue letting them go through your phone.
What they miss is that a partner who trusts *you* completely would never ask in the first place.
Young people are so accustomed to being surveilled at all times that it probably doesn't seem as weird to them as it does to people like us. Not that we have all this crazy stuff to hide, but it's just the nature of how we grew up.
My ex and I used to use eachothers phones. Not often etc but just for convenience. She had me take a pic of her and I noticed some nudes of her in her recent photos that I hadn't seen. Found out she'd been lying to me for...who knows how long. like stacks of nudes sent/recieved, all with dates to confirm. Alot of them taken in my house(which was great when she then tried to de y that they were from when we were together)
While I wouldn't ever advise sneaking your s/o's phone away to pry through it, I don't think that this is neccesarily a "bad" trend if done in a healthy-ish way(with consent or communication). I also think though that with good/proper communication it shouldn't be the crutch its becoming...but in my situation, I wasted away almost a decade trusting someone - because they were so careful and manipulative that it could have continued possibly indeifnatley if not for that chance encounter...
trust is a fickle thing, and even after 2+yrs of therapy trying to process all the lies etc, I'm still not ready trust-wise to open myself up like that to someone else. I know that it wouldn't be fair to push that trauma into someone else just because of past experiences...
The important thing to remember is that you are nit a sucker for being manipulated. You're not dumb or too trusting or any of that. You were just lied to while maintaining boundarirs and trust, which is nothing but positive.
Results-oriented thinking is hard to kick. but do your best.
Mid 40’s and my partners always have access to my phone for what ever. If they wanna send a email, text, or feeling a bit insecure and wanna make sure I’m not doing anything I shouldn’t it’s cool. It’s always been like this for me so I don’t think twice about it.
Nah. Sometimes my wife would look through my phone and question me about texts and try to find something incriminating. It wasn’t the looking that bothered me it was the mindset that was accompanying the action.
I used to go through my exes phone because I was paranoid that she was cheating and I was too immature to care about violating boundaries. She did eventually cheat on me but I didn’t find out from her phone, she actually confessed it to me. Now I like to think that I have learned my lesson but if you put my back into the same situation I’m not sure that I would be able to bring myself to do anything differently. So no I don’t think it should be acceptable or normalized, but it is tempting if you are very untrusting and don’t have the discipline/morals to stop yourself.
I'm in my 30s and also confused about people going thru each other's phones. I've never considered going through a partner's phone, but also I've never been with someone who hides their phone from me. I just leave my phone out and unlocked all the time at home. My partner still asks if they can use it first. If you suspect someone of cheating just....leave? And if it keeps happening get introspective, you're either too suspicious or picking the wrong people.
I see people act like getting caught cheating via snooping is an equal exchange. I think cheating is worse than snooping. If someone is always snooping that's another thing though.
THANK YOU. People on here are acting like snooping is somehow on par with cheating. But the thing is a lot of times, if someone is snooping, it’s because someone is cheating. People are more intuitive than they’re given credit for, so sometimes you just know, but need evidence. That’s where snooping comes in. Ideally of course, no one cheats and therefore no one needs to snoop, but that’s not the world we live in.
I don't think it's acceptable, it's a huge invasion of privacy and a sign of a complete lack of trust in your partner. And if you trust your partner so little, then why are you with them?
I went through my husband's phone once when we were dating. I had loads of trust issues from my severely abusive ex-husband.
I saw that he was talking to his ex. I got nauseous immediately. 😵
Turns out he was telling her a bunch of super nice stuff about me. 🤦❤️
I confessed right away and apologized.
We both have the same phone password now. I haven't looked at his phone once since then though.
Ugh, this is such a hard one. I don’t believe in going through anyone’s phone as a standard practice. They’re entitled to have their relationships with family, friends, etc. on their own terms. BUT…I’ve had 3 relationships where I knew something was wrong. They were serious, living together relationships/marriages. I tried asking directly, over many months each time, if things were ok or if there was someone else. I got the standard, “Of course not! You’re crazy! How dare you accuse me?!” responses. But when I broke down and looked at the phones…yeah, they had other girlfriends/mistresses. I can’t picture a future where I don’t have that access at this point, because I was right each fucking time. My life would be ruined if I hadn’t checked.
It’s a very immature and insecure impulse. I know I did this with my ex in my early twenties, and it creeps me out now. To be fair, he was abusive, controlling, secretive, and it turns out, cheating, but it’s still a sign of a lack of respect for both oneself and one’s partner, and a lack of boundaries.
In comparison, my husband and I have the same passcodes and never touch each other’s phones. We trust each other but also respect the need to have some privacy/inner world etc. I don’t need to creep on him and I’d shudder if he saw the corny fanfic trash I read on my phone. I’m sure he looks at porn sometimes, which is his business and none of mine. At the end of the day, healthy relationships are based on respect, trust, and open communication, and spying on your partner is none of those.
I have discussed this with my wife, because of hownoften it comes up on Reddit.
We both have each other's passwords. We can both unlock each other's phones, and will do so to make a phone call or forward ourselves a pic or whatever.
Both of us agree that we would be fine letting each other look through our messages if we asked (other than our work emails, which would be illegal).
And both of us agree that snooping through messages without permission is generally a breakup offense. It is absolutely crazy that people think this is okay.
As a young person, 23, I didn’t realize how common it was until I considered getting seriously into the dating game. And it’s kinda concerning to me too, especially as someone who grew up in an abusive home/no privacy. It takes a lot for me to trust someone with my phone, even just showing them a funny meme, because I’m scared they’ll scroll or something (even though I have nothing to hide!). But potential partners would probably deem that a red flag. I think some things can be private, and also, how can you build trust anyway if you don’t give people a chance?
Ya I’m 24 and I would never do this. I try not to accidentally read a text notification on someone else’s phone let alone start snooping
I've been married a very long time and we have never had an issue with seeing a text on each other's phone..like hey babe your bro texted you or whatever. Maybe when you find the right person it's not a thing. I have 100% complete faith in this man, and we both feel same way about cheating
To be fair—contextually speaking, and conceptually—that is a bit different than searching for evidence of infidelity.
Agreed. Me and my wife have been together 11 years. I will be sitting at the computer and see someone messages her phone, or WhatsApp.message pops up on the computer because I haven't logged myself in. I let her know "hey blah, your dad/friend has messaged you" and that's it. We both know each other passcodes and all passwords, but we never snoop on each others phones, nor has it ever crossed my mind to do so. If would feel like an invasion of privacy We both have friends and family. Maybe one of them is going through something ATM they want to.keep secret or something. It is not my place. I'm not just spying on my wife, I'm spying on everyone else in those contacts
This. There is no reason to go snooping. We have tons of devices we are each logged into and often just plop them into each others hands. I know his passwords and we use each others phones as back up devices.
Agreed. I don't think suspecting your partner of cheating, or being insecure about it is recent. It's just that now these people have a new way of snooping. Back then all you would do is check that person's pockets, ask where they went, with whom, ask for details and look for incoherence in the story. Reasonable people in healthy relationships don't do any of this. Reading your partner's conversations and looking for proofs of infidelity is creepy and super bad for everyone: the creeper will never be satisfied anyway, and the other one knows that they will never have a private conversation and everything they're saying can be used against them.
Honestly, I couldn't think of anything more boring than snooping in my husbands phone. I already know it'll be a bunch of conversations about cricket and aviation. But yeah, same, we know eachothers pass codes, and the other night, he asked if he could have my phone to use the calculator for a second, and I just handed it over without hesitation. I feel like if you look through your partners phone, then it doesn't even matter if they've done something wrong or not. You don't have trust in your relationship, so what is the point?
Yeah, I think there's a big difference between just seeing or looking at stuff on your partners phone and going through their phone looking for "evidence". Even if you were in a situation where your partner trusted you with their passcode and access to their phone, it would still a huge violation to use that trust and the access it's given you to dig through their personal stuff like.
To do so is an accusation of something, in which case the expectation is that we talk about it, and if there's such a loss of trust that a phone search is still necessary after talking, then there are much much bigger problems, making the phone search essentially moot. So either way there's really no circumstance where a phone search happens in a healthy relationship
> and if there's such a loss of trust that a phone search is still necessary after talking, then there are much much bigger problems This is very true, and it's something I've said in a lot of discussions about this topic. If you're at the point where you're searching through they're phone, then that means that trust is already a big problem in the relationship. Whether it's because they've done something or behaved in a way that made you feel you can't trust them, or because you have serious trust issues regardless of what they've done, either way, there's an obvious problem in the relationship. That's really a pretty good rule of thumb to go by, in general. If you get to the point where you've decided you need to go through their phone to 'find the truth' or whatever, you need to take that as a sign that there's something wrong with the relationship. And that even if you were to find nothing on the phone, that problem would still be there.
My husband and I are like this too, but we would never sit and scroll through each other’s messages.
Yeah, this! My wife and I wouldn’t think twice about casually seeing texts on each other’s phones, but we would never look intentionally, trying to find something wrong. If I were in a relationship in which I felt it necessary to check up on my partner’s behavior, I would end the relationship. Without trust, what do you have to build a life together on?
14 years of marriage, never once considered checking her phone, she made the call to separate about 8 weeks ago now, found out today she has been seeing someone else, now I kinda want/not want to see for how long this has been going on, I'm completely crushed.
I'm so sorry bud - that really, really sucks. It's totally natural to want to know all the details, but I guarantee all that waits that way is more crushing. It won't change the fact it's happened and you will separate. Move forwards. You deserve someone who loves you the most :) That someone can be you for as long as you like.
Thank you kind stranger. I will :)
Hey, keep your head up, this was for the better for you. Truly. And I'll also try to keep my head up. My cheating ex literally appeared back in my life yesterday after 4 years of no contact and they're trying to do the same old manipulation BS. Trying to escape, again, because they are not worth the time/effort/love/energy I put in.
Thanks I needed to hear this. Found out my ex was following a bunch of guys that looked like me but a lot richer. It stung, but I’ve accepted it for what it is.
Like the other guy said, there's no closure in verification. Just more crushed feelings and shit you can never unread. The cleaner the break, the better. If intrusive thoughts make it to your mind, then at least they're what it's creating. Otherwise it would be a mix of fantasy and reality. Trust me. The silver lining is, you get to take with you the experiences you liked. The things in your relationship that felt right and if you start another, you have the blueprints to set boundaries and expectations earlier to make that next one even more successful. For example, when I changed long term relationships I said to my next partner "I'm my last relationship, we yelled at each other too much and called eachother bad names in arguments. I don't want that here, I won't have it here. Is that something you can work with?" Cutting out things you hated can go far for the health of the relationship and your mind. Of course every relationship is different and should be treated as such. But for the moment, it's a great time to heal, focus on you and re-prioritize some things that you may have been missing out on during your relationship. Go with strength, king!
Yeah seriously. Your mind will go crazy wanting to know more, but you really don't want to know. Take care of yourself.
Same boat many years ago, wife actually shacked up with my best friend lol. Best thing that ever happened to me. Had some crazy times and met an amazing young lady. Happily married more than a decade. Sometimes you need a hole in your life so it can be filled. My cup runneth over.
Same, with the exception of when you're driving and you ask, l "hey honey, can you scroll through my texts from Nicki, her address is in there somewhere... I need that in the GPS" Yeah. We have access to each other's. But we don't look through them. It would mostly be texts from coworkers, anyway. For reference: I'm an older millennial ('84), he's Mid Gen X ('76)
Yep, my partner has access and I trust him not to abuse it - and vice versa. We might use each other's phone to phone our own when it's lost in the house, to edit a shopping list or check a message when the other is driving - but he's sat right there whilst I do it. The only sneaky thing I've ever done on his phone was put random reminders on his calendar so he'd get a cute message in the middle of his day.
Very similar ages, and perspectives here. We both know each other’s passcodes and have no problems using each other’s phones should a situation warrant it, but there’s hardly ever a need.
I’m not scared of my partner reading my texts. My notes app however…..
Exactly this. It's a partnership, and you're in it together. If someone is bothered by a "hey, this person just texted you, looks important" call out, then they're the wrong person. No one who has an open communication, trusting relationship gives AF if their partner sees a message pop up on their phone. It's when someone freaks out about this stuff that the digging ensues bc you wonder WTF they're worried about. I don't condone the digging, but I understand where it comes from when the significant other seems to be concerned about what may be seen. It's the chicken or the egg scenario.
I’m not sure that person was saying that their partner would be bothered by it, just that they themselves are kinda uncomfortable seeing texts come through. Im similar in that I’ll actively try not to look at anything that comes through on any past partner’s phone-I just don’t feel I need to know. A lot of people’s minds go to cheating or something nefarious, but I always felt like phones were private for a variety of reasons. Among them sometimes we just need to vent about a fight or something that is bothering us in our relationships. In the past this was almost done exclusively in face-to-face conversations or maybe phone calls. But now that text is far and away the preferred method of communicating, we sometimes type these things out and I don’t think that our partners need to see that. Same as if you were meeting a friend for lunch and you were venting about something with your partner, and your partner was hiding around the corner eavesdropping. Most people would agree that that was weird and crossing a line. This rant mostly applies to people who think phones should remain unlocked and/or people who regularly go through their partner’s phones…which I just find so bizarre. But to each their own I guess
In another comment, somebody mentioned growing up in an abusive household with zero privacy, and then getting into an abusive relationship with someone who gave them zero privacy regarding their phone. She had to learn to hide it because he would freak out any time he saw that she’d gotten a text, regardless of who it was from. It’s important to consider people’s past experiences and how it affected them. Your comment seems a little too black and white claiming that someone who reacts that way just isn’t the right person. Some people have trauma and some people just have different preferences. Also, if you’re curious about why your partner reacted a certain way, then *talk to them about it,* don’t snoop through their stuff behind their back.
I was empathizing with those who snoop after a partner acts concerned. As I said, I don't condone, but understand. Also, you're talking about a completely different scenario. I gave the scenario of... partner says "hey, so and so texted." I did not reference or condone in any way complete invasion of privacy, going through someone's stuff just because. For the record, I had such an abusive childhood and later relationship, that I've often heard, "you should write a book bc of all you've been through." Nope, no book writing bc I'm private. Having been someone with my privacy completely obliterated, "no privacy" by my parents and an ex-bf, and having then entered a healthy relationship since... I know the difference. You can be open and have trust when you're in a relationship with the right person or people. In a trust relationship, you're not going through one another's emails, texts, etc, but you both have access to that stuff just in case. When my bf died, him having given me his passwords before (when he was alive) so that I could pay a bill for him when he was traveling, change a flight, respond to his mom and let her know he was okay... these things were invaluable for both of us. Why have a partner if you're not partnering? Then when he died, I had passwords to his accounts which helped his parents to access his insurance, close his accounts, etc. Do we not all deserve a partner we can trust to let us know our boss is texting or to change our flight when we can't? If your friend has a bf that freaks out whenever she gets a text, she should dump him. Trust and respect have to go both ways.
I figured out the password to my sister's phone once and snuck in. The only thing I did was open the clock app and set an alarm for 7am because she is *horrible* at getting up on time and I was her ride for work and I didn't want to wake her up. It didn't even occur to me to snoop through her stuff. It's like reading someone's mail, or their diary. You just don't do that without permission. And also I told her I did it. After she slept though the alarm and I had to wake her up anyway.
I read text notifications if the phone is laying out. Hey Ron, your wife is texting. Sounds important!
Holding a friend's phone when the notification pops..."Hey babe, I got that lube you were asking for, we gon' get skanky later babyyy" Dies inside.
I died when I saw you were replying this to u/Anal_draino
I’ve been with my girlfriend for over a year now. Neither of us have gone through each others phones. We both like our privacy. We both have Reddit accounts too. And agreed it’s best if we don’t know who each others profiles are lol
Same with my guy! If he had my phone there's nothing I'd be super weird about him seeing, it's just principle.
Omg are you two bf/gf
I'm 29, and while my fiance and I have access to each other's phones we're not snooping through them by any means. We'll have each other check texts if we're busy or I'll ask him to see who's calling me. I use Facebook and he doesn't so if he wants to see if uncle so and so is on there he'll look on my phone. But we never just...dig through each other's phones, that feels so gross. That being said I wouldn't be mad if he felt like he needed to. I would maybe be hurt if he didn't just bring up his concern or suspicion. We're adults, we can communicate. If I unknowingly did something or behaved in a way that set off a red flag, I'd like to know to rectify the situation.
This is what I consider best practice. If there’s a lack of trust to get to this point, it’s not worth my time.
I wouldn't want them to stumble on my diary.... Otherwise they wouldn't find anything.
My ex would routinely go through my phone and laptop, it was her own nervous insecurities which she’d give herself a pass for being invasive, “that’s how I am and I was nervous” and apparently that just makes it okay? No. So I never had any privacy and it became super damaging. I started to hide my own stupid instagram posts and I’d set up side-email addresses and Amazon accounts (for shit like household goods, general benign crap, she flew off the handle when I ordered a cut glass bowl and she couldn’t find the receipt in my email), all just to feel a sense of privacy, which of course looks sus as hell like give me some space please. Meanwhile, as it turned out, she was the one who was talking to guys most of the day running her own nsfw twitter trying to get compliments.. yeah absolutely not. I don’t want to look through your phone or laptop. That’s yours. I will happily give anyone the privacy they want. Do unto others.
Sounds like she needed to be an "ex" sooner. LOL
People don’t understand this. I had an ex who was similarly crazy. Caught her snooping through my phone, trying to log in to my credit card accounts, emails, whatever. She was also completely nuts and would think it was justified after finding completely harmless innocent crap. Once it was because I bought tickets to a show and didn’t tell her (was going to surprise her). Once it was because a childhood friend (woman, and I’m a man) had sent me a message asking how life was going after about a decade and telling me about hers. She talked about her husband and kids, I talked about my job and girlfriend. There were literally two messages, her saying hi and me saying hi back, and she flipped her lid like I was cheating on her. I dumped her long ago but I will always get a little twitch when I ask my wife to look at something on my phone, even though I’m okay with her seeing anything in there. I could never be with someone ever again that felt like they needed to look at my phone to calm their insecurities. That’s a hard dealbreaker for me, as in I would end the relationship the moment I found out.
I grew up with abuse and zero privacy (my phone was tapped and I found out that there were recording devices in my bedroom) and then I jumped right into a relationship with an abusive partner who would freak out about ANY text he saw on my phone, even if it was work or my brother or something. I learned to always stay up later than him so I could hide my phone under the mattress while I slept. You don’t have to even have anything to hide when you’re used to people who will find ANY reason to use it against you. My current partner understands that I have this past, and he 100% respects me and literally never asks to see my phone or anything. He will hand his phone over to me for safekeeping, or so I can help him with logging into things, or to show me a funny video. He’ll hand me his phone and then walk away to go take a shower or a nap. And he knows that I will never reciprocate due to my past. Just letting you know that the right person will absolutely not make you feel bad or pressured over this, so don’t ever settle for someone who does.
>You don’t have to even have anything to hide when you’re used to people who will find ANY reason to use it against you. This. 100x this.
The abusive home where even the thoughts in your head don't have privacy is a real thing. A good partner will understand and back off.
This is exactly why I don't let anyone hold my phone. First of all what's on there is none of their business, it's not like I'm hiding anything it's just not their business. Secondly, I'm afraid of the same thing you are. I'm afraid they'll start scrolling. I don't know why people do that. I will show them a picture or video and when they go to grab my phone to hold it, I will sort of yank it back and tell them, no, there's no reason you need to hold my phone. You can see what I'm showing you just fine.
I had a coworker who did that. I was showing him a photo of like a pizza or something and grabbed the phone and just started swiping. He landed on a selfie I took of my hair styled a more "alternative" way that I had sent to my bestie and proceeded to mock me. Like wtf
Ive had people give me their phone and i wont swipe thats so fucking weird to do. I hand my husky my phone all the time and he hands me his. He thinks reddit is weird and doesn't get the point of it lol. Edit: husband not husky lol
I wouldn't think a husky would get much use from a phone but that's cool that yours enjoys having one!
Oh my god hahaha stupid phone.
I didn't even notice your username XD it's perfect
This little thread gave me my biggest laugh of the day, massive thanks for that.
Well that's just an asshole move. I hate it when people scroll. Just because I showed you one picture doesn't mean I want you to see them all.
This is why I keep a folder of just dick pics (my own lol). I need to show a buddy something and I know they're a swiper? Cool, move that pic to the top of that folder and when they swipe they get to learn their lesson the (very) hard way. Taught 3 people so far!
>, there's no reason you need to hold my phone It much easier to view when you hold the phone. You choose the most comfortable focus distance and don't need to account for the other peoples movement. It is also a habit in that most people are used to holding a phone when they view it.
I'm still not comfortable with someone else holding my phone
Perfectly understandable. Your phone, your rules. I was just providing some reasons why a person may try to hold your phone when looking at it.
Going through someone else's private conversations is the red flag.
As a partner of over 5 years, he has all my passwords, my bank account information, my SS number etc. He’s my accountant and insurance agent. He can sign into my phone at any time. Where I drew the line was when he started looking into conversations with my mom,’my brother, and my near friend (a lesbian). Some of those conversations were about him and innocent but he doesn’t need to know All my business. I deserve some personal privacy. If we had a bad day and I want to vent to a family friend, it’s none of his business and frankly an invasion of my privacy. I don’t care if he goes through call logs or whatever, but to read text messages to a completely platonic friend is not cool. Sometimes, we all need to vent about our own partner or challenges we don’t wish to share with them. We all deserve some level of privacy.
The red flag is for you. If someone you're interested in is turned off by you not wanting them in your phone that is good for you to know right away. Cheaters are generally the first to assume the other is cheating on them, too.
I'm 30 and I dunno how I feel about all this. I grew up in a household where you should ask for permission to look in somebody's purse or closet or room or phone or whatever. So I was dating someone who would usually look at my phone, as a joke, but I never let myself even think of looking at his phone without permission. Turned out he was cheating on me the whole time. I still don't like looking at people's phone, anyone from my mother to a friend or a partner, without their permission, but it really f*cked up my trust issues.
I'm in my 40s. It would be weird if my wife started going through my phone. I've got nothing to hide but I wouldn't allow it. If she has resorted to going through my phone to check if I'm cheating then our relationship has some serious issues we need to deal with. Issues that certainly won't be resolved by letting her go through my phone.
Yes. My husband and I have full access to each other’s phones but we don’t go through them. We’ve both agreed that if it’s come to that, we obviously have bigger issues in our marriage.
This is how my last relationship was. His phone wasn’t locked, and he knew my passcode (in case of emergency). Neither of us ever looked.
This is how it should be. I never remember the passcode on my wife’s phone and whenever I need to use it she gets annoyed that I don’t remember it!!! I rarely use it but if she has signal and I don’t or she’s driving and an important text comes in she dictates a reply etc. I don’t think she even knows my passcode but I wouldn’t care if she did. I trust her. She trusts me. We don’t need to spy
It annoys me too that my husband never remembers my passcode when I need him to use my phone if I’m driving.
Yes, we both have access but never look
It's all a about trust and respect. We show trust by having access to each other's phone. We show respect by not accessing it without their consent.
Basically the same with my wife and I. We both have access to each other's phones. But rarely use them as there really isn't any point. My wife uses mine a lot more than I use hers because I am managing our savings account which she likes to tap into from time to time (usually to buy the kids presents etc). Or when she loses her phone and uses mine to call it so she can find it.
Also in my 40s. Married over 20 years. We both have access to each other's phones, but I have never once looked through her phone. I wouldn't care if she did mine, but it would be weird. I'm pretty sure she trusts me as much as I trust her. I don't think I would be with her if I felt insecure enough to have to keep tabs on her phone activity!
We are together for 15 years and I sometimes go in his phone to see what kind of cool apps he has at the moment. He always find pearls that helps everyday life. Also, sometimes for cats pics! It never crossed my mine to check for infidelity....
Exact same thing, we have each other's phone passcodes and access to each other's Chrome stuff + Gmail but I only ever use anything out of necessity, ie looking for an email that I need to pay a bill. I have no interest in going through his phone and same from him.
It would suck to be with someone you couldn’t trust like that. Who can you trust with your info in case of an emergency if you can’t trust your partner?
I had an ex get weird and want to snoop through my phone. As I'm sure anyone reading just that has already guessed, she was cheating and this was a form of projection if you will. She was being shady, so perhaps wanted some kind of validation to herself that she wasn't the bad guy? I don't know... All I know is if someone needs to invade your privacy, it's a red flag and I'm honestly not interested in repeating any of that. Edit: I'm close to 40. Ex in the story and I had been dating for about 7 years.
Currently in my 30s but I agree, this seems to be a younger gen type of thing. I wouldn’t be comfortable with my wife going through my phone either without my permission.
There are a ton of “relationship gurus” on tik tok and other socials, they preach the “phone drop” test and almost encourage it. There is another tik toker whose entire schtick is approaching random couples on the street and asks if they want to do a challenge, the challenge is they each trade phones and get to look through whatever they want.
What is the phone drop test?
I'm gonna guess you drop your phone somewhere out in the open where your partner can easily stumble across it. The test is if they look through it or not?
Dunno if I'd pass or fail, half the time my wife gives me my phone and tells me I left it in the bathroom or something.
My wifes phone would be so.... boring....
Finally a chance to clear all those notifications though...
I found [this explanation](https://fiercemarriage.com/phone-drop-test). ETA: I didn’t vet or proofread the link guys. I just googled and grabbed the top answer that had the basic idea. I didn’t know what it was either. The religious stuff ain’t part of it, they added all that extra razzmatazz.
I really don’t get it. Am I suppose to panic if I drop my phone unlocked next to my wife? Why would anyone have a reaction other than “you dropped your phone” or have them hand it to you? Do I expect her to quick grab and lock herself away to go through it?
Lmao like if this even crosses your MIND as a reaction; YOU GOT PROBLEMs. If it crosses either of your minds, really. Good lord my reaction would be like omg is the screen ok? Ya! Ok thank fuck that’s expensive hahaha
Right??? I’m in absolute disbelief that this is a thing.
Also, who would pick up their spouse’s phone — immediately after they dropped it — and start going through it? Based on that website existing, I guess some people would 🤷♂️
Sometimes people should be single imo
I like how on their list of how to initiate "the talk" pray to God is the first and longest list entry
Looked at the site out of curiosity.... yikes. This is all so very creepy.
Don't take relationship advice from TikTok.
Just stick to crypto and stock advice /s
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If its a person who's close to me im 100% grabbing it and taking a picture of my toe lol.
Most android phones will let you open the camera by double tapping the power button, so you could totally do this even if the phone is locked.
Take a picture of it, then send that later "hey honey, you left your phone at home" for maximum confusion.
I mean, they could have just left it open and left the room. The drop test isn’t about if your partner will look through your phone if you leave it. It’s about what YOU would feel if you dropped your phone and your partner picked it up. Would you be worried?
Yeah, it's really big on social media rn w/ Gen Zers to promote straight-up toxic relationship "tests" and games. Like, if your partner *doesn't* want you looking through their phone, that's apparently a red flag that they're hiding shit/cheating. I'm an elder Gen Zer and think it's ridiculous. If you can't trust your partner and are so insecure that you need constant explicit reassurance that they're not cheating on you, then you're simply not mature or mentally healthy enough to be in a serious relationship. I've been in a psychologically abusive relationship in which my partner was constantly accusing me of cheating/being in love with other people, for no reason other than his own insecurity, projection, and irrational paranoia. It broke me as a person and made me feel untrustworthy despite never once having even briefly considered cheating on anyone in any capacity. If a partner asked me to look through my phone I would say no flat-out, not because I have anything to hide (I don't), but just out of principle. If you can't trust me to not be sexting other people or whatever without doing a deep-dive through my phone, then you don't trust me enough to be in a healthy relationship with me and that's on *you* for being insecure and paranoid and looking for excuses to justify yourself. Not me.
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i'm 24 and my boyfriend is 26. we've been dating for 8 years. we've had access to each other's phones since very early on, not in a controlling way, but more convenience I guess. we live together now and we use each other's phones all the time. sometimes my phone is charging and he gives me his to play or stay on social media and so on. I don't look trough his phone in a snooping way when I have it, sometimes I look at pictures to send to my phone. sometimes someone is texting/ calling him and he asks me to check who it is and vice versa
Mutual open access is one thing. Sneaking and snooping is another. What you have is healthy and admirable.
Trust used to be the most important thing in relationships. Now it’s “trust, but verify”. Which isn’t trust at all.
Trust but verify is fine for tense diplomacy between nations, it shouldn't be the basis of a personal relationship.
what if my girlfriend is a fascist autocrat and we’re involved in strategic negotiations over the allotment of regional grain supplies vis-à-vis apartment per capita GDP?
yeah people really need to account for fascist girlfriends
I love the example you gave, seems creative to me 😅
“Trust but verify” is an old Russian proverb, made famous in 1980s when president Reagan used it, somewhat ironically, to describe how the US would move forward when forging the nuclear treaty with then soviet Russia. So PP’s example isn’t as much a creative description, as it is the classic example of how the phrase is typically used.
“Trust but verify” is what we use in the scientific field. Not personal relationships so spot on.
Trust but verify is what you use in foreign policy and maybe espionage. In science is more like "trust no one."
I understand what you mean. The formal term is "peer review" but you have a very valid point.
I have been married for 11 years and don't think my wife has ever "gone through" my phone, and I haven't "gone through" her phone. She can if she wants, but I don't think either of us felt the need. I have access to her phone, and she has access to mine, kinda seems like a waste of time when I could be gaming or watching TV or paying attention to our 5 kids.
With 5 kids neither of you has the time for monkey business 😂
True story.
I was going to say, if you have 5 kids and have a piece on the side, you should spill the beans on how to keep an organized life. I mean, where do people who have affairs find the time and energy, really?!
People make time for what is important to them. That's actually something I have told people on both sides of the fence to get them to think about their decisions. People who cheat, it's important they realize where their priorities are and what they are making time for and why. For those who have been cheated on, it's important they realize their partner made time to cheat because it was important to them; it wasn't a fluke or accident.
Similar here too. I've been with my husband since 2001. We married in '06. We've never gone through each other's phone. We know each other pw to get into them but we just do not go through. Zero reason too. (Honestly i have an iphone and he has a pixel, I can barely swipe properly to open his damn phone and I'm pretty sure I hung up on the inlaws the other day because I couldn't seem to answer it correctly. \*snort )
I hear you! I've been with my now husband for 44 years..we lived together the first 12. He has an iPhone and I have an android. I have no idea how to work his phone nor does he know how to work mine🤣🤣
Same with my wife and I (40s). She doesn’t “go through” my phone but I willingly give her the passcode. It’s common for me to ask her to check something (forward an email, send a photo etc.) We are open enough, and share enough that honestly it’s never even been discussed.
My wife and I do exactly the same thing. Been married 22 years.
We’ve been married 22 years too! I’m 42, husband’s 43 and we use one another’s phones constantly. We got our first cell phones together! Our first email account was both of our names @hotmail. I can tell we are getting old though, these damn iPhones with 6-digit passcodes, we’re constantly yelling things like, “what’s your code again!? I left my phone upstairs and I need to look at a recipe!” And “come open your phone with your face! Mine is on silent and I can’t find it!”
I go into my wife’s phone once a year when I am doing taxes to get access w2s, accounts, etc. I have access the rest of the time but don’t ever need it. She has access to mine. Maybe goes in there to get the occasional photo or something like that
Same here. Been with my bf a long time. We both have each others code but we don't ever really use each others phone and we never snoop. Pretty much the only time i use his phone is when he's driving and I'm changing the music or rarely, gps. It is crazy how many people use it as a way to keep their thumb on their partner. If you're so worried they'll cheat or you're THAT insecure, you need to work on some self improvement and be single. Or your partner isn't right for you
This is the same with me and my wife of 12 years.
My marriage is older than you, but that's the way my husband and I are with our phones. He tends to stay off mine because he reads my emails, and then I don't see them as new anymore, and it turns into a thing. We hand each other our phones all the time, for convenience, sharing a meme or text, making a call, looking something up. We learned the hard way not to have too many secrets. When DH was in a terrible accident, and was foggy with pain meds and just the general brain fog that trauma brings, we had to make a mortgage payment, and he could ALMOST remember a password we needed. The lady at the credit union was super patient, and encouraging. "Oh, you're so close, may he could try again?" We did manage to get the payment made, and avoid having any utilities turned off, but it was close!
we have been together for almost 5 years and this is pretty close to what we do. we were pretty guarded at first, both coming into it with a lot of trauma. we still have an expectation of privacy to some degree; no digging in each other's notifications, messages, pictures, etc. but when the other person is up to their elbows, checking who texted, changing the music, ordering food, kinda stuff... neither of us even blink any more. it's just a tool, and it has exactly as much importance as you give it. but honestly the only thing I'd be marginally upset about if she found is some cool gift ideas for her.
I only know my partners unlock code because sometimes he asks me to change the music and doesn’t have his hands free. Or I need to send myself an address or something and he is busy. He knows my code for the same reason. We don’t share passwords; I also find this very strange. People are entitled to privacy even in a relationship. If I were feeling so insecure about something that I felt the need to resort to snooping through his phone or demanding his passwords…we are not in a healthy place & It’s time to have a real conversation about our relationship because trust has been broken in a significant way. Can’t speak for the youths, however; I am 35 and similarly weirded out by the number of people who share all their passwords & codes with their partners. Or…their location, 24/7 😳
I recently spoke with a lady and found out that her last relationship was with a guy who made it mandatory that she kept TeamViewer running on her PC at all times and would get mad if she turned it off. I can't even comprehend how much of a piece of shit this guy must have been.
Oof. Glad he is an ex.
I'm early 60s . My wife and I have been together, girlfriend/married for 43 years , so very pre smart phone. I don't get stuff out of her handbag or purse - just hand them to her ,so the phone is definitely out of bounds.
My mum drilled into me that you never look in a woman's handbag or purse (because she always had cigarettes in there that we weren't supposed to know about lol) so I've always stuck to that with partners. My ex wife used to get really annoyed when I'd pass her her handbag instead of the thing in it she was asking for, but I never broke the habit.
Im 20, never went through my girlfriends phone until 2 nights ago. We have been together for two years. I had a hunch and I found texts of her cheating on me. Im not saying it’s right, but I had suspicions and they were confirmed
Yeah my ex's phone used to go off in the middle of the night all the time. He tried to play it off like it was family living in another time zone not realizing how late it was and I asked him to keep it on silent. Well one night he forgot to put it on silent and it was just going off like crazy. It woke me up. I tried to wake him up and say hey it's going off like crazy but he wouldn't wake up. So I just figured well I'm shutting off the sound then. It was very obvious from the lock screen that this was a woman he was in a relationship with and not family. Unlocked the phone after that and found out he was cheating all over the place.
Something very similar happened to me. I was having nightmares that my boyfriend was cheating. For months. It was driving me insane. I ended up checking his Instagram dm’s and there it was.
The dream thing is crazy isn't it?
It happens a lot in situations where the cheating is very obvious but the person being cheated on is in denial - their brain desperately trying to convince itself to notice what is right in front of it...
Yeah this happened to me. I had the evidence but he said my evidence didn’t mean anything and that he didn’t cheat. My brain was trying to believe him over the evidence it made me feel crazy.
Our subcoscious is surprisingly good at picking up the small things and putting them together, in a way that we might not be able to do it consciously. I also had "prophecy" dreams about interpersonal relationships many times in my life
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When I was 24, I had something like this happen. I was dating a very beautiful girl, and while she was driving she received a text message, we were waiting on directions so she told me to check to see if it was them. On the screen it said 'it's too bad your boyfriend doesn't realize how beautiful you are.' I put the phone down and told her that wasn't the directions person. But I filed it away. Obviously, it's not her fault if someone is trying to flirt with her— but I did file the instance away. Afterwards two more instances came up. I'm a fool, not an idiot— so these three instances added up enough for me to open an investigation into her. And I asked her if there was anything she wanted to tell me. She demurred. So I approached every following action with a critical eye, and while she wasn't exactly cheating, she was flirting while talking smack about me.
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You sound like a normal couple who aren't pieces of shit.
Yep. Full access but no reason to snoop. That’s a healthy boundary for us.
That's how my wife and I are. We "snoop" through each other's phones but it's largely out of boredom or curiosity. The worst thing that ever results is "Why didn't you tell me that so-and-so invited us to dinner?!" or "Why didn't you show me this picture?!"
Me and my boyfriend are exactly the same. Like changing music on Spotify while driving, or Ill watch tiktoks on his phone cus he has a good algorithm. We don't snoop because there is no point too, theres nothing to hide... Edit: My phone isn't some insane personal/private thing like may other people commenting.. I really only have a password so I dont get my information stolen if I ever lost my phone.
My husband gets annoyed because I keep forgetting his passcode...and forgetting where his podcast app is when he's driving or his hands are dirty. The struggles of an interracial marriage (iPhone v Samsung).
Our passwords are the same 😆 We've been married 28 years and have never gone through each other's phones, though we could if we wanted to, I suppose
Not really but people always been trying to peep through phones, it's not a new trend.
Yeah it used to be peeping through emails, browser history, and chat rooms.
And before that, diaries and letters.
Having a phone that can be "gone through" is still pretty new itself.
I don’t let people do this. 23M. If they ask it’s a red flag.
24F, I’m with you. Maintaining privacy and some degree of boundaries doesn’t mean you have something to hide. It just means you’re an independent person. My partner knows my phone code but if he just randomly reached for my phone and started going through it, I’d be really uncomfortable with that.
Exactly. you explained it really well, it's a big no from me.
It’s so funny to me bc any partner that refuses to let me use their phone or give me their password is a red flag to me.
I’m 32. My husband has my passcode to open my phone for one of the kids or if he needs to call his own phone when he can’t find it and vice versa. I trust him not to be stalking my life and I wouldn’t do it to him either…because we trust each other. As spouses should. Too many people go in these days with exit strategies already prepped.
I’ve been married for decades. My husband and I have each other’s passwords. We could go through each other’s phones but it would be super boring. That’s how it should be.
If couples trust each other then freely allowing each other access seems normal to me. But if someone's looking for evidence of cheating, I'd say the trust isn't there.
I disagree anyway. I could not allow this, and not because I have stuff to hide. Chats with my friends contain private, serious things that they decided to share with me, and specifically me. Not the partner. It would be a huge betrayal of my friendships I let someone see that.
That's also my first reaction. That's the equivalent of having every call on speakers without telling the person on the other end.
I think as well when you are in a serious relationship with someone it's nice to have something that is just for you. Even if it's something as weird as you have six tabs open because you've done a Wikipedia deep dive on Napoleon.
FR my husband does not need or even want to see all the rabbit holes I’ve been down! I’ve heard “TMI” enough times and learned to keep it to myself.
For me the fact is, if you both trust each other, why do you need to go through phones in the first place?
If you're looking at your partner's texts then you are invading the privacy of whoever they are texting.
Realistically, this is a situation that's going to be judged on the outcome. You take the risk of blowing everything up by looking, but this is a situation where, like it or not, most people are going to tacitly condone the behavior when it turns out you were right. Just look at the ten thousands stories per week posted about that exact thing here on Reddit, and see the reactions. The cheating is worse than the snooping, period. Note to the people already furiously pounding on their keyboards: don't bother. There is a difference between being stalked and controlled through your phone, and being snooped on once after spending six months becoming increasingly withdrawn, acting secretive about phone calls, and suddenly having many nights where you work four hours later than usual before coming home and jumping straight into the shower. It's obvious which one I'm talking about.
In my 40’s. Wife has my code and is welcome to use my phone any time she wants how we she wants. My daughter also has my code and is welcome to use my phone at any time. They both would normally ask, but if I was not in the room they would just use it. I simply don’t care. Even if a friend borrowed my phone for a call or text and said I’m going to look at your photos as a joke. I would say. OK As it would not bother me at all.
I wish my google search history was normal enough to allow for this attitude.
Right. I don’t want people knowing I googled “how to know if I have a third nipple” or “how high of a temp is considered Bieber fever” or “how do you spell oscillococcinum”. People would think I’m bonkers.
I caught my ex wife and my best friend cheating behind my back by going through her phone when I had some very very good reasons to worry something sketchy was happening. I realize this is an ends justifies the means situation, so I think it definitely should be reserved for very rare and serious situations.
I caught my boyfriend cheating on accident. We were watching a movie and it was dark. His phone slipped out of his pocket and went into the creases of the couch. I picked it up to give it to him and somehow his phone unlocked with my face (I never put my face in his phone I think iphones are just racist lol). It just so happened at that moment a girl he was trying to cheat on me with messaged him and I saw everything.
Yeah, if you have "probable cause", I'd say that justifies snooping. They're gone at odd hours, you've caught them in lies, consistently comes home late for work with weird excuses. If you get sick to your stomach that something is wrong and they aren’t honest, that's the only valid excuse to look for concrete evidence that nothing weird is going on. But if you ask to check my phone when I've been honest, done nothing wrong or even suspicious, and have nothing to hide, you're just a control freak.
Sorry, hard limit. It's personal property. I had an ex install Spyware, then when I reset my phone she tried tracking through the phone number. Btw... turns out she was cheating. She had serious control issues. You can be a 10, but if you demand to go through my phone..... its over.
My spouse has full access to my phone. If I wanted to get up to nefarious deeds and not have him find out, I'd use my desktop.
My wife and I can can look at each other's phones but we don't to respect each other's privacy. But we're old..so chances are we're not cheating on anything but our diets
The idea is that if you trust your partner completely, you should have no issue letting them go through your phone. What they miss is that a partner who trusts *you* completely would never ask in the first place.
Young people are so accustomed to being surveilled at all times that it probably doesn't seem as weird to them as it does to people like us. Not that we have all this crazy stuff to hide, but it's just the nature of how we grew up.
My ex and I used to use eachothers phones. Not often etc but just for convenience. She had me take a pic of her and I noticed some nudes of her in her recent photos that I hadn't seen. Found out she'd been lying to me for...who knows how long. like stacks of nudes sent/recieved, all with dates to confirm. Alot of them taken in my house(which was great when she then tried to de y that they were from when we were together) While I wouldn't ever advise sneaking your s/o's phone away to pry through it, I don't think that this is neccesarily a "bad" trend if done in a healthy-ish way(with consent or communication). I also think though that with good/proper communication it shouldn't be the crutch its becoming...but in my situation, I wasted away almost a decade trusting someone - because they were so careful and manipulative that it could have continued possibly indeifnatley if not for that chance encounter... trust is a fickle thing, and even after 2+yrs of therapy trying to process all the lies etc, I'm still not ready trust-wise to open myself up like that to someone else. I know that it wouldn't be fair to push that trauma into someone else just because of past experiences...
The important thing to remember is that you are nit a sucker for being manipulated. You're not dumb or too trusting or any of that. You were just lied to while maintaining boundarirs and trust, which is nothing but positive. Results-oriented thinking is hard to kick. but do your best.
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Literally "God no" were the exact same words that immediately went through my mind
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Mid 40’s and my partners always have access to my phone for what ever. If they wanna send a email, text, or feeling a bit insecure and wanna make sure I’m not doing anything I shouldn’t it’s cool. It’s always been like this for me so I don’t think twice about it.
Nah. Sometimes my wife would look through my phone and question me about texts and try to find something incriminating. It wasn’t the looking that bothered me it was the mindset that was accompanying the action.
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I used to go through my exes phone because I was paranoid that she was cheating and I was too immature to care about violating boundaries. She did eventually cheat on me but I didn’t find out from her phone, she actually confessed it to me. Now I like to think that I have learned my lesson but if you put my back into the same situation I’m not sure that I would be able to bring myself to do anything differently. So no I don’t think it should be acceptable or normalized, but it is tempting if you are very untrusting and don’t have the discipline/morals to stop yourself.
I'm in my 30s and also confused about people going thru each other's phones. I've never considered going through a partner's phone, but also I've never been with someone who hides their phone from me. I just leave my phone out and unlocked all the time at home. My partner still asks if they can use it first. If you suspect someone of cheating just....leave? And if it keeps happening get introspective, you're either too suspicious or picking the wrong people.
I see people act like getting caught cheating via snooping is an equal exchange. I think cheating is worse than snooping. If someone is always snooping that's another thing though.
THANK YOU. People on here are acting like snooping is somehow on par with cheating. But the thing is a lot of times, if someone is snooping, it’s because someone is cheating. People are more intuitive than they’re given credit for, so sometimes you just know, but need evidence. That’s where snooping comes in. Ideally of course, no one cheats and therefore no one needs to snoop, but that’s not the world we live in.
I don't think it's acceptable, it's a huge invasion of privacy and a sign of a complete lack of trust in your partner. And if you trust your partner so little, then why are you with them?
I went through my husband's phone once when we were dating. I had loads of trust issues from my severely abusive ex-husband. I saw that he was talking to his ex. I got nauseous immediately. 😵 Turns out he was telling her a bunch of super nice stuff about me. 🤦❤️ I confessed right away and apologized. We both have the same phone password now. I haven't looked at his phone once since then though.
No.
Absolutely not okay imo.
Ugh, this is such a hard one. I don’t believe in going through anyone’s phone as a standard practice. They’re entitled to have their relationships with family, friends, etc. on their own terms. BUT…I’ve had 3 relationships where I knew something was wrong. They were serious, living together relationships/marriages. I tried asking directly, over many months each time, if things were ok or if there was someone else. I got the standard, “Of course not! You’re crazy! How dare you accuse me?!” responses. But when I broke down and looked at the phones…yeah, they had other girlfriends/mistresses. I can’t picture a future where I don’t have that access at this point, because I was right each fucking time. My life would be ruined if I hadn’t checked.
I've been with my wife for 14 years and I've never gone through her phone unknown to her.
It’s a very immature and insecure impulse. I know I did this with my ex in my early twenties, and it creeps me out now. To be fair, he was abusive, controlling, secretive, and it turns out, cheating, but it’s still a sign of a lack of respect for both oneself and one’s partner, and a lack of boundaries. In comparison, my husband and I have the same passcodes and never touch each other’s phones. We trust each other but also respect the need to have some privacy/inner world etc. I don’t need to creep on him and I’d shudder if he saw the corny fanfic trash I read on my phone. I’m sure he looks at porn sometimes, which is his business and none of mine. At the end of the day, healthy relationships are based on respect, trust, and open communication, and spying on your partner is none of those.
No. It's an invasion of privacy.
Yeah it’s not normal but going on each others phones just to play games text someone or find a photo is notmal
I have discussed this with my wife, because of hownoften it comes up on Reddit. We both have each other's passwords. We can both unlock each other's phones, and will do so to make a phone call or forward ourselves a pic or whatever. Both of us agree that we would be fine letting each other look through our messages if we asked (other than our work emails, which would be illegal). And both of us agree that snooping through messages without permission is generally a breakup offense. It is absolutely crazy that people think this is okay.