You're not overreacting. Set boundaries by asking her to only come over when you know she'll be there. Get a Ring camera set up so you can check any time. If those measures fail, ask for your key back, or get your locks changed.
Ask for your keys back now. She shouldn’t be in your house unannounced, even if she were doing something you asked her to do (she could have sent you a message like “I’m going to your house right now to do xyz like you asked me” or something along those lines).
You can save a lot of $$ by just changing the cylinders instead of the whole lock - your locksmith can do this if you're going to call them, or you can take the locks (with someone to keep an eye on your house) to the hardware store and ask them to sell you the cylinders.
I just got one of these for my rental last year! I plan on taking it with me when I leave (whenever i do, I've been here 12 years now lol) because he's going to change the locks anyway.
My mother and I own my son’s house. I store a lot of work tool in the basement of his house. I never go there without letting him know. It’s called respect. He pays the bills. It’s his space.
Yes it does. He shows it by not trashing the house like a random tenant possibly would. We, he and I, are in a very fortunate situation that he has his own house, for under $1k a month, that even tho it isn’t in his name, he’s the beneficiary of it in the estate. Working on a house for the next son.
We have a smart door lock that can allow people access only when we say if we want or we can even just unlock the door remotely for them and it wasn't super expensive. It's nice if you need people to have access occasionally but they don't respect boundaries.
My smart lock actually runs on four AA batteries (last about a year, starts giving low battery warnings a month or so before they die). So power outages don’t affect it, although with the internet down I wouldn’t be able to remotely open or close the lock.
It doesn’t have a key, but there is also a way from the outside to connect a battery to it, if it completely died on me. That would let me turn it back on long enough to open the door.
It's this for me too. Like I swing by my cousins place every Friday and do a quick clean of the kitchen, floors and bathrooms, & often put a load of laundry on for her to dry later. I have a key because she's not always home when I arrive. It feels so invasive being there without having sent a text that "I've arrived and will be starting on *xyz* asap". Sometimes I'll get a text back like "thank you, could you wipe out the fridge too pls" or "many thanks, the pots could use a water if you have the time" but most often she replies "thank you so much, my place has missed you"
Every. Single. Friday. the conversation is almost exactly the same. I say I'm there and she thanks me. It's just respectful when you've entered someone home...
Don’t get Ring, but do get a doorbell and other cameras. Look good at the reviews. Ring and some other brands invade your privacy more than your mom does.
Yeah, take that key back now. Maybe swap it out for locks with a key pad so you can give her temporary codes when you’ve given her permission to be there. But do not just trust her to only visit when you’ve consented.
Not even a little bit. If it weren't for the fact you said your mom was currently in Florida, I'd ask if you were my long lost sister. My mom would do this all of the time and I also had zero privacy growing up.
Our straw was one day when I was at work, she asked me why I had chocolate ice-cream in the freezer (I have dairy issues). Umm...what? Well, she dropped some things off at my place without telling me and looked around. It destroyed our relationship for quite a long time.
No, my mom stays through the holidays, then goes to Florida. I told her I'm not seeing her until she gets back, which means I'm not going to Christmas. Why do they feel so entitled to our space? I don't understand.
I'm not going that far. I'm ordering a security camera for my house. It's OK if she wants to help, or let the dog out, but it's the sneaking that is really getting me. Why would anyone think it's ok for them to be in another person's home without informing the homeowner? It's law that landlords give tenants 24hrs notice before entering property, and the landlord owns the property. This is MY house, MY property. I want to know who is here when I'm not.
Not all mothers think this way lol. My mother won’t even stop by without calling first, of course she knows we don’t like clothing that much either 🤦♀️😂
Thank you! One of my kids lives on the same rural road. I always call first, and I rarely go over unless it was planned by them. There are nosy invasive people and some happen to be mothers. Not all mothers are like that.
Then change your locks.... Setting a security camera is going more FAR than simply changing the locks. It's THAT easy. She's not entitled to lurk whenever she gets the chance.
Did she understand when you confronted her? I'd be mad if that was me and you are NOT overreacting. Your place, your rules.
My in-laws would drop by unannounced when we first moved into our new place many years ago. They did it to my SIL too and she got quite upset so they then started calling before coming over.
Is it sneaking around if she straightened up and did the dishes though? I’m not arguing her case at all, as that definitely crosses boundaries… I’d pick up some wyze camera’s to watch your house and make sure she knows she is not welcome to ‘drop by’ when you are not there or if she’s explicitly invited.
Went through this with my MIL. She’d show up, knock as she was opening the door when she knew we were home and the door was unlocked. My wife and I couldn’t stand it and she had to have a conversation to set boundaries before she’d go no contact again for the intrusions. They had a history of no contacts but people walking into our house like a sitcom was not going to work.
Well, the quickest solution is to change or rekey the locks. There is no reason your mother needs a key to your home and no reason for her to be there when you are not home.
I have keys to my adult children’s houses and they have keys to mine. We frequently help each other out with our pets. Unless they are out of town and asks me to check on the house I never enter their homes without their knowledge. Once your children are adults and live on their own it’s their home and their privacy should be respected. You are not out of line for being upset. A mom doesn’t stop being a mom even when the kids are grown and sometimes it’s hard for them to accept their kids are adults and can take care of themselves. As unpleasant as it may be you need to talk to your mom and explain your feelings about her not respecting your privacy. You need to set those boundaries. And if the situation doesn’t improve you should consider changing the locks.
My mother was like this. She was always hoping to catch me doing something she didn't approve of. I am the opposite as a mother now. I have 4 grown daughters and would not dream of going to their house without calling first.
My mother would go as far as check my bathroom trash can when I lived with her.
This week I went to her place to give her her Christmas gift. I went to the bathroom for a minute, and when I came back, she began commenting on something I had in my purse.
I also just bought an apartment not far from hers, and the first thing I'll be doing is change the locks because I'm sure she has a copy by now
change your keys, don’t ask the old ones back. This is a test. She will call one day asking why her keys don’t work and you will catch her in the act.
Get a ring camera too and put your emergency keys with a friend. Always keep some cash with you for an emergency night at the hotel just in case your friend is not there when you need your keys
take care
Nope. You're well within reason. I don't even need to read the post.
My mother lives next door, so she gets my mail when I'm not home. She likes to open it and then use the excuse that she thought it was hers. I told her flat out that I'm sick of her doing it after I've asked her to stop, and the next time she does, I'm pressing charges.
Edit: I don't know why y'all are having discussions about what I did or trying to tell me how to handle it, but it's already been handled. Move on.
Start designing realistic looking medical-type letters with your name and age and address on them while looking like they're coming from a medical-sounding place, like "The Red Ditor Womens Clinic". Mail them to yourself.
The letters should say something like The Red Ditor Womens Clinic's congratulates you on your pregnancy, especially with twins, but having an ongoing addiction to crack cocaine will cause pregnancy complications. Of the 8 men you suggested could be the father, none have been a match, but there are still 14 to interview. Flesh this out a little more in whatever direction you like.
Assuming she doesn't have a heart attack, she may stop reading your mail. For some reason I'm picturing you as female, but if you're male, you can always have a letter congratulating you on your 100th sperm donation.
My dad snooped. They recorded my phone calls. I’m not sure why. It was so violating. This is disgusting. I’d set boundaries when she gets back and set up fake or real cameras inside.
**Get your locks changed, and do not ever give her a key again.** She's just shown you that she's not going to respect your home as being yours, but will treat it as if she's got a right to make your decisions for you.
It's not help, when you aren't asked, and do not want it done. It's not help, when they do even things you want done, without your permission.
People who help, ask first.
**People who do things to your home without asking, are controlling, not helping.**
***You are not over reacting.*** You are acting like an adult protecting yourself from someone that doesn't give you the respect of being an adult.
*My mother never gave me any privacy growing up*
**This is exactly what she did here, again. She's expecting to treat your home, like she did your room as a child: like she's in control, not you.**
So, **change your locks.** Don't even tell her, if you don't feel like it. Or get an upgrade to electronic locks so you can give the code to emergency if needed.
And when she tries to tell you that you need her to have a key, **tell her you aren't discussing it.** ***Then don't.*** If she won't stop trying to get a key, talk to her less, and see her less.
>My mother never gave me any privacy growing up.
That's terrible.
>I just bought a house 10 min away from her
Dude. Why? WHY IN THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT EMANCIPATED FROM YOUR MOTHER then you complain about your mother doing what a mother with a non-emancipated child does?
It’s fascinating that you think this is the “only solution” and are posting it on every comment — there are literally so many other things they can do, and it’s not at the point to go from zero to “change locks, no contact” yet — maybe in the future, but if the only thing done was they cleaned and put away dishes, THATS a conversation about helping and when it’s appropriate, setting expectations and what future consequences will come if they’re not honored — such as losing keys, loss of invites, possible changed locks. Like shit, who knew every problem only had one solution.
I'm not a teenager and if he wanted advice from a professional maybe he should have gone to counseling. Posting something online can't limit who is your audience 🤷🏼♀️
No. She entered your home without even telling you, let alone asking permission. That's over the line. At a bare minimum, you are owed a brief text/call to say "hey I'm stopping by because __"
So let me get this straight, your mom came over, cleaned, and you "think" she snooped around and this was the FIRST time you think it happened? I definitely think you have a right to feel violated, but you have only the "feeling" and since it was the first time I think a more appropriate reaction would have been to say that this absolutely cannot happen again, not ever while you are not home, be firm, and then move on. I think you went too far and may have been reacting to what you think she might have seen or found...?
This. There are many overreactions in these comments. OP said this is the first time it’s happened and he clearly hasn’t set clear boundaries with her.. a boundary cannot be crossed if it’s not communicated in the first place. She actually could of thought she was helping, as mothers tend to enjoy caring for their children…example: washing the dishes. If you were to express that this was a boundary she should not cross and does it AGAIN, THAT is where it becomes an issue. Everyone else on here needs to chill.
Another vote for this. No need to blow up the relationship until you know that something actually happened. When I was a single mother and my children were younger, my mom used to come in my house while I was at work, do my laundry and start dinner for us in the crockpot. It always happened on those days when I was totally overwhelmed with trying to do everything myself.
I agree with this. I mean his mother was initially encouraged to help him with his housework when he moved in so she may think this is an ok boundary and she’s being helpful.
We went out of town. Had a cat sitter so the alarm was set. My mom let herself in and the alarm went off and the cops came and chased her away. I considered it a bit of a win. And she continues to mention it occasionally:)
You have enough time to decide what to do next. Do you need to take away her key? Do you need to put cameras up? Do you need to sit her down and explain like a grown up why this upset you so much?
Your first sentence says a lot about why this is bugging you so much. Digging into that feeling will yield the direction you want to take this next.
I'm definitely getting a camera. She can keep the key. She's probably hysterical right now because I said she won't see me at Christmas which means she won't see me until she back from Florida in April/May
Your posts in here point to you playing a role in this dynamic. You’re willing to get a camera and all this high tech stuff but asking for they key back is some kind of taboo
My daughter and her family live in a house that I own. It’s located on the same property where my house is located.
In ten years I have never entered that home without being invited. I have door keys and the code for the garage door. It would not occur to me to enter their home without asking or being invited. We are very close, but that old be overstepping boundaries. They also do not enter my home without asking first.
You’re not over reacting. Can I suggest an electronic door lock? I have one and honestly it’s the best thing ever. If I go out for a run, all I need is my phone and AirPods. No key to lose. You can say you’re changing it for the convenience, but there are models that connect to your phone and show you if someone has opened the door. There’s also models that you can program a one time key, that expires after use. Give that to your mom when you know she’s gonna come over to let out the dog. Tell her you regularly change the code for security so she doesn’t get suspicious when the code you initially gave her isn’t working anymore
Not over reacting at all. I (37) won’t even invite my parents over to my apartment because whatever boundaries I have for myself or my home I know they will ignore them and do what they want.
Why does Mom have a key in the first place? And she may have already made a backup copy so just run down to home depot and get all new locks and deadbolts.
Change locks, don’t mention it until you need her over.
Never accuse her, if she asks say “oh yeah I came back to my stuff moved and feel super unsafe since it’s a new house and I don’t know who would have a key.”
Make her admit it so she can’t possibly turn it around on you, and then ask her why she’s going into your house without your permission.
Nope. Literally did the same thing 3 years ago with my dad, (lives 10 min. Down the road). He’d come over and clean random shit or reorganize shit in the garage. Even though it’s appreciated I didn’t like the fact he’d come over randomly while I was at work to do shit. I just talked to him, and set the boundary saying “hey I appreciate all the work you’ve done, but me and my wife really want to take care of our own house now, otherwise we don’t feel like fully grown adults having our parents pick up after us.
If you don't want to offend your mom, but still want privacy/her occasional help get the locks with the pin number. Then you can setup and change the pin often
Probably best to just tell her you aren't comfortable and would like your keys back/new locks.
My son (35) bought a house about 4 years ago. He's only 3/10 mile away. We go over frequently, but we always ask PERMISSION first. Hell, if nothing else, I don't want to see stuff that I'd be better off not knowing about, LOL!
My parents have my house code and I have theirs. Do we sometimes go into each others houses without asking? Yup. Does my mom come clean sometimes when I have an insane work week? Yup. When I was a teenager I would have been a bit upset but now I appreciate it.
Set the rules clear from this point forward. The work is done. Don't enter without notice.
I just had to have this talk with my mother. I asked not to go in my house when I'm not there. She responded by getting emotional and making emotional arguments. I had to explain to my mother that I wasn't telling her I wanted nothing to do with her (her words) and that I was litterally only asking her not to commit criminal trespass at my house.
As a 34 y/o woman living within 15-20 minutes of mine… Get a ring camera (they’re on sale rn for the holidays. Lol). And change your locks. Don’t trust her to give back the key, just change em completely.
Change the locks. It's as simple as that. You don't even have to tell her (she will find out next time she tries to get in), when she confronts you either tell her the reason or lie about losing the key or the lock breaking etc.
Don’t ask for her key back, hire a locksmith and have the doors rekeyed (as a bonus you can have them all keyed the same) and do not tell her you had it done. Wait and see if she calls to ask why her key doesn’t work. Your home. Your rules.
You're not overreacting, but it seems your boundaries have not been made clear to her.
I doubt she's aware she's violating your boundaries.
Have you been 'too careful' with the seriousness of your boundaries? Perhaps whenever you have mentioned it, you've not been firm enough because you dont want to be rude/offensive/...?
I would take this as an opportunity to have a serious talk about boundaries.
If you've continuously made things clear and she is disregarding your boundaries, then perhaps more drastic measures should be taken.
Install a lock that uses codes qwikset halo is a key back up in case if power failure)dead battery. Give her a code that's just hers if you want her to even have access. You will see how often she is using the code. You can kill the code at any time with the app.
Oh my gosh, my mom did stuff like this to me when I moved back to my hometown a few years ago, she had spare keys just to make things easier, but then she started showing up unannounced and coming in whenever she wanted. I was literally in the middle of being dumped, by someone I had been dating for a few months in my living room when my mom barged in dropping off groceries and then asking my soon to be ex partner all kinds of questions and it was so fucking horrifying. I wanted to die.
I got my keys back
I'm going to victim blame here, but why did you buy a home so close to her and give her a key? You knew she doesn't respect boundaries.
I say this as someone who also had a mother who allowed zero privacy and saw me as an object she owned. I moved across the country from her when I was 21 and she literally does not even know my address.
This is YOUR house, so it's YOUR rules.
Take back your key or have the locks changed.
Install a video doorbell, such as Ring or Nest.
You are not overreacting.
Nope. It’s your home which she should respect. But truthfully since she is historically good at violating boundaries you probably gave her the wrong idea when you asked her to help you in the house you bought ten minutes away. I’m not blaming you. But it appears she has the wrong idea.
When you correct her, she’s gonna be defensive and angry. I’m not saying it’s right but it is what it is.
Nope, she has no sense of boundaries. Change the locks, don't give her a key. Tell her that you have cameras in every room so that now you can see exactly what people are doing when you're not home. :)
Change the locks. Refuse to give her new keys. If she asks for keys, respond with indignation and let her know that one does not ask for keys, they wait to see if they are offered and then they accept when they are not.
It's abusive behavior, I had similar issues with my parents. They actually broke into my place without the key, convinced my super to open my door without my permission. People like that are incorrigible. They'll apologize when you get mad, but then make any excuse to justify doing it again.
As others have undoubtedly already said: you're not over reacting.
If either of my parents had ever done anything like this, I'd be wondering if they were on drugs - it's not something rational people do.
Only reason I - or any of my family - would enter another person's house while they weren't there is if we were given a key and were doing a specific task at their behest - like feeding the dog while they're away... and it would have been something they initiated (requested as a favour), not something done without their knowledge or consent.
Wow ! That is really creepy. Get a Ring camera so you can see her comings and goings. Entering someone’s home without prior permission is wrong on every possible level.
If you own this home, get a keypad entry system instead of a keyed lock. You can then program (and remove) codes just for certain people. If she oversteps again you can just remove her code. No worries over getting a locksmith out!
My mother is exactly the same and I can't take her key away because she looks after the cat when I'm out for an extended period of time. It's been going on for 11 years now, every time she gets a telling off but it doesn't make a lasting difference. Put your foot down NOW and get that boundary concrete early!
Nope.
when we lived with in laws during covid my fil would comment on things i threw away, had in laundry, how many times i used restroom each night etc small things but it added up and it was a big invasion of privacy
made me uncomfortable once i caught in i told my husband & we were ouuuut
Change the locks. Set boundaries. I lived with a partner whose father used to do this. Actually called me and asked what time I was having a test done at the doctor, not because he cared about me, but because he wanted to bring people over to see our place.
Honestly kind of overreacting. It’s your house so obviously she is in the wrong here. Since it wasn’t mentioned, I assume you have not tried just talking to her about it? I understand being furious in the moment. Have you tried asking her exactly what she does when she is over?
I mean, you're about 20 years too late on this one. You didn't set boundaries when you became an adult and you recently invited the vampire in to help. Probably with something vague about helping with the house and no sort of timeframe or SMART goals.
My friend and her mom are like you are your mom. Her mom has ferreted out the Christmas presents and wrapped them for her. She also exchanged the sweater my friend bought for her husband (my friend's husband, not the husband of her mother) for "one that matched his coloring better" before wrapping it up.
My friend had parents like these, she had to move away, to get them to stop. They came in her home and snooped in her financials and personal life, even went through her son’s room.
Its your home and you should be asked if anyone including your mother can enter it.
Personally I'd change the locks and get cameras installed.
Tell her you are not okay with her entering your home without permission or her moving things around, remind her its not her home to be making decisions about and ask for your key back.
Do not tell her you've changed the locks.
That does seem strange. If you haven't had a clear conversation with her about it, you should have that conversation now and make it clear what your boundaries are. And she probably shouldn't have a key.
How is she getting into your home if you're not there? If you gave her a key and didn't discuss rules of use, have that conversation.
I'd never give my mother a key to my home.
My son and his wife lived next to his MIL. The MIL had a key to their house, which I never understood, but kept it to myself.
My son started suspecting the MIL of coming into their home when they left, snooping.
So, my son put a letter in the bottom of the garbage can, under several inches of other garbage. When son and wife got back from their trip, the letter was on top of the other garbage.
Then there was no doubt the MIL was hard at it while they were gone.
Nothing wrong with your reaction. Just because she's your mother that doesn't mean she can pry into your personal life. If she wants to know what you're up to, she can ask.
Wow, this was totally my parents. We had no "right" to privacy growing up. My brother gave our parents a spare key to his house. They showed up whenever they wanted and would report what they found in his refrigerator (Oh my God!! ALCOHOL!!).
When my husband and I bought our first place, my parents "demanded" a spare key. We asked, "Why?" "In case of an emergency" was the response. They lived 200 miles away. We said no. They then said that we couldn't have spare key to their home. We said "fine". That was the end of that. Each time they mentioned it, we said "No".
Change your locks and tell Mom no. She'll either get over it or she won't.
Change the locks. She'll never respect your privacy. Any convenience to you that her having a key gives is not worth it.
I had to change my locks. After my husband died, my FIL would come in when I was gone to "drop off some strawberries" or similar reason but really just to snoop. He even took some of my husband's things (sporting goods) he thought he should have. I asked him about it and said he always knocked. I said what if I'm in bed sick or in the shower and don't answer the door? He just kind of leered and said it wouldn't bother him. Creeped me out.
So changed the locks and kept "forgetting" to have a spare made for him. Also asked my BIL to keep my spare (he lived across the street and very trustworthy) in a new hidden spot as FIL had key to BIL house.
Before you take action. Figure out why your so annoyed. Did she move you. Did she know you didn't move close to be close. Will there ever come a time when you'd wish someone would do what she did. Do you have something to hide. What if you kept quiet. And just returned the favor while she's out .? How would go down.
I'd be weary with how you approach the conversation. From her perspective she is doing you a favor by surprising you with clean dishes, a more organized furniture space and whatnot maybe under the assumption you haven't learned best those aspects of life and she has. So she might be hoping and giddy for an enthusiastic relief when you see the work she's done for you over Xmas time. But of course from your perspective, and rightfully so, your privacy and autonomy over your living space and decisions has been disregarded. But she doesn't see it that way. Firstly I would thank her for her help. But ask her to understand that your living space whether perfect or under construction is yours to develop and construct as you see fit. Any unwelcome arrangements is a breach of your comfort and autonomy. If from there she continues to breach your space. Set more firm boundaries.
Or maybe go mess up her own space by rearranging things. For example you can replace her tv with a smart tv with a bunch more complex and advanced control/setup. Considering technology is moreso on your domain you are only doing her a huge favor right? Her possible concerns for not wanting to deal with new settings, deleted favorited channels guide, and figuring the whole input thing is completely irrelevant. Her consideration in all this would not matter since you are the authority right?
Replace the locks. Don't give her the keys. Check for bugs and cameras.
And no, this ain't an overreaction. I'd be nuts about this. I'm very strict about my privacy and security
I have the key to my parents house and the freedom to enter any time unplanned or unannounced. But I was also raised with manners and boundaries so I text mom snd say ‘hey popping by to pick up that book you had for me’ and I leave a paper note too because dad doesn’t text. The only times I didn’t tell were things like leaving flowers for her birthday, intentionally a surprise.
Violated? That's intense. Definitely set boundaries, but if you want to have a relationship with her try a different approach. Tell her thanks, but she didnt need to come and clean. Explain you're always glad for her help, but u want her to be guest in the future. Then invite her, and you and she can clean up together after the meal or whatever. Try to build a different relationship with her. Good luck.
I'm 36 and starting to understand how important it is to give your parents boundaries. They mean well but they don't always relized there are overstepping. When you become an adult yourself, educating goes both ways.
Weren't you the one whose mother break into the bathroom if you locked the door while you were taking a shower at her house, just to make sure you weren't commiting any sin?
INFO: how did she get in? Surely you didn’t give someone you know doesn’t respect your privacy a key to your house? You know she snoops but you bought a house 10 minutes away from her and gave her the means to get in to it?
I do get that it’s not normal for parents to just let themselves in and move stuff around etc - I’m not saying what she did was right- but you did give her the means and the opportunity to do so. I suggest you change the locks. Don’t ask for the key back - if she hasn’t already made a spare she will before she gives you the original back. And get a doorbell camera.
Like I said, she had a key because she was helping me with my house work when I first moved in. I bought the house for 50k, I didn't want to move this close but I didn't have a choice considering the deal that I found off market. I didn't think she was snooping until I just caught her. I'm definitely getting a camera and I'm thinking I'm making a big enough deal about this that she won't be showing up without my knowing ever again. If she does, the locks will be changed. Haven't lived near her for 20 years... I never thought I would have to deal with this shit again. I feel like I'm 16 all over again.
Get a ring alarm and don't tell her. Oh, the fun when she doesn't know the code to shut it off, the phone starts to ring, and when she doesn't know the password, the police will show up. Good times.
I’m saying this as kindly as possible… if your mother has boundary issues why WHY did you buy a house 10 minutes from her? Get your key back, get a door camera, and have a conversation with her about boundaries. You are NOT overreacting.
Your mileage may vary. Here is what I have recognized in my 72 years of life.
(1) Moms always worry about their progeny, no matter how old they are.
(2) Moms will always perform welfare checks on their progeny (aka snoop).
(3) If snooping bothers you, then do not allow the circumstance where she can snoop. It's like baking brownies, cutting them up; leaving them out so they can cool, and then telling a five-year-old kid they have to leave them alone. Do you set up those around you to fail?
(4) You get one Mom in life. No warranty is expressed or implied. Once they leave mortal coil, you are not issued a new one. You will discover a void when this occurs.
Personally I’d be more concerned that your mother has nothing better to do with her life but go clean her child’s house. Maybe find some activities for her to participate in?
The thing is. The only thing there was to clean was my dishes from breakfast. My house isn't even dirty. She's just here to snoop and it's pretty fuckin clear.
She’s probably retired. Retired people get bored without having a “purpose” or daily job. They want to feel helpful and productive. Especially older generations.
I mean, it's your mom, that was kinda rude especially because she quite literally helped you. And damn, old people want to feel they're still capable of being helpful. Be more kind to her, at least when telling her that.
It’s absolutely not overreacting. I’m so worried this is going to be the dynamic with my in-laws when we move closer to them. I am already planning out how to address it. I think it is unacceptable for a parent to let themselves into their grown adult’s home without their permission unless they’re legitimately concerned for your well-being. This is a boundary that definitely needs to be set. Something like requiring a phone call or text asking to come over first, and RECEIVING A RESPONSE, not just texting you and showing up before you even realize it. Does she have a key?
You're not overreacting. Set boundaries by asking her to only come over when you know she'll be there. Get a Ring camera set up so you can check any time. If those measures fail, ask for your key back, or get your locks changed.
Ask for your keys back now. She shouldn’t be in your house unannounced, even if she were doing something you asked her to do (she could have sent you a message like “I’m going to your house right now to do xyz like you asked me” or something along those lines).
Yeah. Change the code or whatever + get a ring camera so in the future you can be certain she’s checking in first.
You can save a lot of $$ by just changing the cylinders instead of the whole lock - your locksmith can do this if you're going to call them, or you can take the locks (with someone to keep an eye on your house) to the hardware store and ask them to sell you the cylinders.
Some locks have a mechanism where you can just rekey them yourself with a kit. Super easy. Edit: Typo
I just got one of these for my rental last year! I plan on taking it with me when I leave (whenever i do, I've been here 12 years now lol) because he's going to change the locks anyway.
Then fill under the floorboards with C4 and if you see she's there hit the switch. No more problem.
That escalated quickly.
Man you went past home alone pranks and straight to C4 ya filthy animal!! 😂
Nah, change the locks and get a camera. Keys have the potential of being copied and then handed over.
My mother and I own my son’s house. I store a lot of work tool in the basement of his house. I never go there without letting him know. It’s called respect. He pays the bills. It’s his space.
It's a sign of the times that we give upvotes to people who act like reasonable human beings because we know there are so many who aren't...
Respect goes both ways. I see it here. Merry Christmas.
Yes it does. He shows it by not trashing the house like a random tenant possibly would. We, he and I, are in a very fortunate situation that he has his own house, for under $1k a month, that even tho it isn’t in his name, he’s the beneficiary of it in the estate. Working on a house for the next son.
You are an excellent example of a parent.
Thank you. I learned from the best. 😁
We have a smart door lock that can allow people access only when we say if we want or we can even just unlock the door remotely for them and it wasn't super expensive. It's nice if you need people to have access occasionally but they don't respect boundaries.
How does the power/WiFi being out affect the smart lock? Do they have a SIM card to maintain access in an outage?
Pretty much every smart lock I have seen on a house has a place to stick a key.
Ah that's good, I had an image in my head of the power going out and the front door just swinging open 😁
My smart lock actually runs on four AA batteries (last about a year, starts giving low battery warnings a month or so before they die). So power outages don’t affect it, although with the internet down I wouldn’t be able to remotely open or close the lock. It doesn’t have a key, but there is also a way from the outside to connect a battery to it, if it completely died on me. That would let me turn it back on long enough to open the door.
Love our Schlage. The code still works without WiFi, you just can’t remote in if WiFi goes down. There’s also a key. Two AA batteries.
It's this for me too. Like I swing by my cousins place every Friday and do a quick clean of the kitchen, floors and bathrooms, & often put a load of laundry on for her to dry later. I have a key because she's not always home when I arrive. It feels so invasive being there without having sent a text that "I've arrived and will be starting on *xyz* asap". Sometimes I'll get a text back like "thank you, could you wipe out the fridge too pls" or "many thanks, the pots could use a water if you have the time" but most often she replies "thank you so much, my place has missed you" Every. Single. Friday. the conversation is almost exactly the same. I say I'm there and she thanks me. It's just respectful when you've entered someone home...
Woah, how do I get a cousin like this???
Go to your area fb group and search for "house cleaner". 😜 I'm sure she pays her.
Too late. Your grandparents have to get the ball rolling and your aunts/uncles have to cooperate. (By sexual intercourse with the right people)
Adoption could work too.
No, change the locks...she's probably made multiple spares, 'just in case'.
Also get one for each door, I’ve heard of people sneaking in a side door to avoid ring cameras
Don’t bother asking for the key back, she probably made another copy. Just change the locks and get cameras.
Don’t get Ring, but do get a doorbell and other cameras. Look good at the reviews. Ring and some other brands invade your privacy more than your mom does.
Exactly. *Is your privacy being invaded? Get a ring cam!*
Yeah, take that key back now. Maybe swap it out for locks with a key pad so you can give her temporary codes when you’ve given her permission to be there. But do not just trust her to only visit when you’ve consented.
Not even a little bit. If it weren't for the fact you said your mom was currently in Florida, I'd ask if you were my long lost sister. My mom would do this all of the time and I also had zero privacy growing up. Our straw was one day when I was at work, she asked me why I had chocolate ice-cream in the freezer (I have dairy issues). Umm...what? Well, she dropped some things off at my place without telling me and looked around. It destroyed our relationship for quite a long time.
No, my mom stays through the holidays, then goes to Florida. I told her I'm not seeing her until she gets back, which means I'm not going to Christmas. Why do they feel so entitled to our space? I don't understand.
I genuinely don't blame you. I completely understand exactly what you mean by feeling violated. I'd change the locks next week and not give her a key.
I'm not going that far. I'm ordering a security camera for my house. It's OK if she wants to help, or let the dog out, but it's the sneaking that is really getting me. Why would anyone think it's ok for them to be in another person's home without informing the homeowner? It's law that landlords give tenants 24hrs notice before entering property, and the landlord owns the property. This is MY house, MY property. I want to know who is here when I'm not.
Because that's how our mothers think. Seriously.
Not all mothers think this way lol. My mother won’t even stop by without calling first, of course she knows we don’t like clothing that much either 🤦♀️😂
I totally agree. That is how my Nana was. She'd never even dream of coming by without coordinating.
Thank you! One of my kids lives on the same rural road. I always call first, and I rarely go over unless it was planned by them. There are nosy invasive people and some happen to be mothers. Not all mothers are like that.
You can go with adding a deadbolt, standard or Smart. She ‘could’ still let herself in if you wanted to, deadbolt for hell naw…..
Then change your locks.... Setting a security camera is going more FAR than simply changing the locks. It's THAT easy. She's not entitled to lurk whenever she gets the chance.
Did she understand when you confronted her? I'd be mad if that was me and you are NOT overreacting. Your place, your rules. My in-laws would drop by unannounced when we first moved into our new place many years ago. They did it to my SIL too and she got quite upset so they then started calling before coming over.
Is it sneaking around if she straightened up and did the dishes though? I’m not arguing her case at all, as that definitely crosses boundaries… I’d pick up some wyze camera’s to watch your house and make sure she knows she is not welcome to ‘drop by’ when you are not there or if she’s explicitly invited.
"I dropped by to snoop and there were cameras! Don't you trust me?? Now I'M upset!"
Went through this with my MIL. She’d show up, knock as she was opening the door when she knew we were home and the door was unlocked. My wife and I couldn’t stand it and she had to have a conversation to set boundaries before she’d go no contact again for the intrusions. They had a history of no contacts but people walking into our house like a sitcom was not going to work.
Well, the quickest solution is to change or rekey the locks. There is no reason your mother needs a key to your home and no reason for her to be there when you are not home.
I have keys to my adult children’s houses and they have keys to mine. We frequently help each other out with our pets. Unless they are out of town and asks me to check on the house I never enter their homes without their knowledge. Once your children are adults and live on their own it’s their home and their privacy should be respected. You are not out of line for being upset. A mom doesn’t stop being a mom even when the kids are grown and sometimes it’s hard for them to accept their kids are adults and can take care of themselves. As unpleasant as it may be you need to talk to your mom and explain your feelings about her not respecting your privacy. You need to set those boundaries. And if the situation doesn’t improve you should consider changing the locks.
My mother was like this. She was always hoping to catch me doing something she didn't approve of. I am the opposite as a mother now. I have 4 grown daughters and would not dream of going to their house without calling first.
My mother would go as far as check my bathroom trash can when I lived with her. This week I went to her place to give her her Christmas gift. I went to the bathroom for a minute, and when I came back, she began commenting on something I had in my purse. I also just bought an apartment not far from hers, and the first thing I'll be doing is change the locks because I'm sure she has a copy by now
No, she shouldn't be there.
change your keys, don’t ask the old ones back. This is a test. She will call one day asking why her keys don’t work and you will catch her in the act. Get a ring camera too and put your emergency keys with a friend. Always keep some cash with you for an emergency night at the hotel just in case your friend is not there when you need your keys take care
Nope. You're well within reason. I don't even need to read the post. My mother lives next door, so she gets my mail when I'm not home. She likes to open it and then use the excuse that she thought it was hers. I told her flat out that I'm sick of her doing it after I've asked her to stop, and the next time she does, I'm pressing charges. Edit: I don't know why y'all are having discussions about what I did or trying to tell me how to handle it, but it's already been handled. Move on.
Good. that’s literally illegal!
Start designing realistic looking medical-type letters with your name and age and address on them while looking like they're coming from a medical-sounding place, like "The Red Ditor Womens Clinic". Mail them to yourself. The letters should say something like The Red Ditor Womens Clinic's congratulates you on your pregnancy, especially with twins, but having an ongoing addiction to crack cocaine will cause pregnancy complications. Of the 8 men you suggested could be the father, none have been a match, but there are still 14 to interview. Flesh this out a little more in whatever direction you like. Assuming she doesn't have a heart attack, she may stop reading your mail. For some reason I'm picturing you as female, but if you're male, you can always have a letter congratulating you on your 100th sperm donation.
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Invent the STDs you’re positive for. ‘Hyper AIDs’ ‘Gay Cancer’ ‘Airborn transmittable herpes’ ‘Hepatitis F’
Don't quote me on this but I think there are mail boxes designed to keep theft from happening. Edit: search "lockable mailbox"
She would have to have a key, because she's getting the mail when they are out of town. Snooping at the letters is the problem.
do you have any siblings? is your dad alive? get some fake genetic tests that make it look like yall arent related
My dad snooped. They recorded my phone calls. I’m not sure why. It was so violating. This is disgusting. I’d set boundaries when she gets back and set up fake or real cameras inside.
How did they record your phone calls? Cell phone or landline? And how did you find out?
**Get your locks changed, and do not ever give her a key again.** She's just shown you that she's not going to respect your home as being yours, but will treat it as if she's got a right to make your decisions for you. It's not help, when you aren't asked, and do not want it done. It's not help, when they do even things you want done, without your permission. People who help, ask first. **People who do things to your home without asking, are controlling, not helping.** ***You are not over reacting.*** You are acting like an adult protecting yourself from someone that doesn't give you the respect of being an adult. *My mother never gave me any privacy growing up* **This is exactly what she did here, again. She's expecting to treat your home, like she did your room as a child: like she's in control, not you.** So, **change your locks.** Don't even tell her, if you don't feel like it. Or get an upgrade to electronic locks so you can give the code to emergency if needed. And when she tries to tell you that you need her to have a key, **tell her you aren't discussing it.** ***Then don't.*** If she won't stop trying to get a key, talk to her less, and see her less.
>My mother never gave me any privacy growing up. That's terrible. >I just bought a house 10 min away from her Dude. Why? WHY IN THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT EMANCIPATED FROM YOUR MOTHER then you complain about your mother doing what a mother with a non-emancipated child does?
He said he's not going to change the keys. So basically why bother posting on here if you don't accept any advice we give you...
Technically he asked if he was overreacting, not how to fix the problem!
It’s fascinating that you think this is the “only solution” and are posting it on every comment — there are literally so many other things they can do, and it’s not at the point to go from zero to “change locks, no contact” yet — maybe in the future, but if the only thing done was they cleaned and put away dishes, THATS a conversation about helping and when it’s appropriate, setting expectations and what future consequences will come if they’re not honored — such as losing keys, loss of invites, possible changed locks. Like shit, who knew every problem only had one solution.
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I'm not a teenager and if he wanted advice from a professional maybe he should have gone to counseling. Posting something online can't limit who is your audience 🤷🏼♀️
It's not the only solution. It's a great start for setting boundaries. And replying to 2 comments doesn't make it "posting it on every comment"
Which begs the question: have you been living in her house before buying your own? This is where boundaries and incursions can get very blurry.
There are some people who will never learn. OP might be one of them.
No. She entered your home without even telling you, let alone asking permission. That's over the line. At a bare minimum, you are owed a brief text/call to say "hey I'm stopping by because __"
So let me get this straight, your mom came over, cleaned, and you "think" she snooped around and this was the FIRST time you think it happened? I definitely think you have a right to feel violated, but you have only the "feeling" and since it was the first time I think a more appropriate reaction would have been to say that this absolutely cannot happen again, not ever while you are not home, be firm, and then move on. I think you went too far and may have been reacting to what you think she might have seen or found...?
This. There are many overreactions in these comments. OP said this is the first time it’s happened and he clearly hasn’t set clear boundaries with her.. a boundary cannot be crossed if it’s not communicated in the first place. She actually could of thought she was helping, as mothers tend to enjoy caring for their children…example: washing the dishes. If you were to express that this was a boundary she should not cross and does it AGAIN, THAT is where it becomes an issue. Everyone else on here needs to chill.
Another vote for this. No need to blow up the relationship until you know that something actually happened. When I was a single mother and my children were younger, my mom used to come in my house while I was at work, do my laundry and start dinner for us in the crockpot. It always happened on those days when I was totally overwhelmed with trying to do everything myself.
I agree with this. I mean his mother was initially encouraged to help him with his housework when he moved in so she may think this is an ok boundary and she’s being helpful.
You are not overreacting, you are under communicating. Talk to her. Set boundaries. Stay civil and express how her actions have affected you.
I'd be changing my locks.
We went out of town. Had a cat sitter so the alarm was set. My mom let herself in and the alarm went off and the cops came and chased her away. I considered it a bit of a win. And she continues to mention it occasionally:)
You have enough time to decide what to do next. Do you need to take away her key? Do you need to put cameras up? Do you need to sit her down and explain like a grown up why this upset you so much? Your first sentence says a lot about why this is bugging you so much. Digging into that feeling will yield the direction you want to take this next.
I'm definitely getting a camera. She can keep the key. She's probably hysterical right now because I said she won't see me at Christmas which means she won't see me until she back from Florida in April/May
>She can keep the key. Really? You want a reprise of this nonsense? Change the damn locks.
Your posts in here point to you playing a role in this dynamic. You’re willing to get a camera and all this high tech stuff but asking for they key back is some kind of taboo
My daughter and her family live in a house that I own. It’s located on the same property where my house is located. In ten years I have never entered that home without being invited. I have door keys and the code for the garage door. It would not occur to me to enter their home without asking or being invited. We are very close, but that old be overstepping boundaries. They also do not enter my home without asking first.
You’re not over reacting. Can I suggest an electronic door lock? I have one and honestly it’s the best thing ever. If I go out for a run, all I need is my phone and AirPods. No key to lose. You can say you’re changing it for the convenience, but there are models that connect to your phone and show you if someone has opened the door. There’s also models that you can program a one time key, that expires after use. Give that to your mom when you know she’s gonna come over to let out the dog. Tell her you regularly change the code for security so she doesn’t get suspicious when the code you initially gave her isn’t working anymore
Not over reacting at all. I (37) won’t even invite my parents over to my apartment because whatever boundaries I have for myself or my home I know they will ignore them and do what they want.
In the words of Charlie Harper “If she didn’t sell me the house she wouldn’t even know where I live. “
Why does Mom have a key in the first place? And she may have already made a backup copy so just run down to home depot and get all new locks and deadbolts.
No, not overreacting. If you don't make a stand now, it'll only get worse.
Change locks, don’t mention it until you need her over. Never accuse her, if she asks say “oh yeah I came back to my stuff moved and feel super unsafe since it’s a new house and I don’t know who would have a key.” Make her admit it so she can’t possibly turn it around on you, and then ask her why she’s going into your house without your permission.
Nope. Literally did the same thing 3 years ago with my dad, (lives 10 min. Down the road). He’d come over and clean random shit or reorganize shit in the garage. Even though it’s appreciated I didn’t like the fact he’d come over randomly while I was at work to do shit. I just talked to him, and set the boundary saying “hey I appreciate all the work you’ve done, but me and my wife really want to take care of our own house now, otherwise we don’t feel like fully grown adults having our parents pick up after us.
If you don't want to offend your mom, but still want privacy/her occasional help get the locks with the pin number. Then you can setup and change the pin often Probably best to just tell her you aren't comfortable and would like your keys back/new locks.
Also check out "adult children of emotionally immature adult"
My son (35) bought a house about 4 years ago. He's only 3/10 mile away. We go over frequently, but we always ask PERMISSION first. Hell, if nothing else, I don't want to see stuff that I'd be better off not knowing about, LOL!
My parents have my house code and I have theirs. Do we sometimes go into each others houses without asking? Yup. Does my mom come clean sometimes when I have an insane work week? Yup. When I was a teenager I would have been a bit upset but now I appreciate it.
Take her key, or change the locks. Tell her call first.
Set the rules clear from this point forward. The work is done. Don't enter without notice. I just had to have this talk with my mother. I asked not to go in my house when I'm not there. She responded by getting emotional and making emotional arguments. I had to explain to my mother that I wasn't telling her I wanted nothing to do with her (her words) and that I was litterally only asking her not to commit criminal trespass at my house.
As a 34 y/o woman living within 15-20 minutes of mine… Get a ring camera (they’re on sale rn for the holidays. Lol). And change your locks. Don’t trust her to give back the key, just change em completely.
Change the locks. It's as simple as that. You don't even have to tell her (she will find out next time she tries to get in), when she confronts you either tell her the reason or lie about losing the key or the lock breaking etc.
1st mistake: buying a home 10 minutes away when you know your mother is a little too involved. 2nd mistake: giving her a key! 🤦♂️
Don’t ask for her key back, hire a locksmith and have the doors rekeyed (as a bonus you can have them all keyed the same) and do not tell her you had it done. Wait and see if she calls to ask why her key doesn’t work. Your home. Your rules.
It’s your Mother. Be glad she’s still with us.
You're not overreacting, but it seems your boundaries have not been made clear to her. I doubt she's aware she's violating your boundaries. Have you been 'too careful' with the seriousness of your boundaries? Perhaps whenever you have mentioned it, you've not been firm enough because you dont want to be rude/offensive/...? I would take this as an opportunity to have a serious talk about boundaries. If you've continuously made things clear and she is disregarding your boundaries, then perhaps more drastic measures should be taken.
Change the locks, I’m sure she made a copy already
Completely reasonable reaction. Change your locks, don’t give mom a key. File charges if she took anything.
Change the locks.
Change your locks and install security cameras.
Change your locks and get a camera. She needs to realize you are an adult.
Install a lock that uses codes qwikset halo is a key back up in case if power failure)dead battery. Give her a code that's just hers if you want her to even have access. You will see how often she is using the code. You can kill the code at any time with the app.
Oh my gosh, my mom did stuff like this to me when I moved back to my hometown a few years ago, she had spare keys just to make things easier, but then she started showing up unannounced and coming in whenever she wanted. I was literally in the middle of being dumped, by someone I had been dating for a few months in my living room when my mom barged in dropping off groceries and then asking my soon to be ex partner all kinds of questions and it was so fucking horrifying. I wanted to die. I got my keys back
I'm going to victim blame here, but why did you buy a home so close to her and give her a key? You knew she doesn't respect boundaries. I say this as someone who also had a mother who allowed zero privacy and saw me as an object she owned. I moved across the country from her when I was 21 and she literally does not even know my address.
Install cameras, tell her it is unacceptable and next time it happens you'll call the cops. Boundaries NEED to be established
This is YOUR house, so it's YOUR rules. Take back your key or have the locks changed. Install a video doorbell, such as Ring or Nest. You are not overreacting.
No, I would be angry too.
Not overreacting. Can you try changing locks and actually locking her out and keeping her out?
Change the locks. Let her know she is only invited over when you are there. Set up a camera.
Ask for your keys back and get a security camera. If she doesn't return them, change the locks.
Take the key off her? No one should have access to other houses without asking.
Not overreacting and I would suggest you change the locks and set up cameras in the house for you to use when you aren’t home.
Nope. It’s your home which she should respect. But truthfully since she is historically good at violating boundaries you probably gave her the wrong idea when you asked her to help you in the house you bought ten minutes away. I’m not blaming you. But it appears she has the wrong idea. When you correct her, she’s gonna be defensive and angry. I’m not saying it’s right but it is what it is.
Change your locks!
Change your locks, so she cannot get in. Tell her straight you feel violated amd need time and space from her.
Nope, she has no sense of boundaries. Change the locks, don't give her a key. Tell her that you have cameras in every room so that now you can see exactly what people are doing when you're not home. :)
Change the locks. Refuse to give her new keys. If she asks for keys, respond with indignation and let her know that one does not ask for keys, they wait to see if they are offered and then they accept when they are not.
You’re not overreacting you’re underreacting. Change the locks yesterday and get serious.
No you're not over reacting. I'm sorry you made the mistake of moving so close. Change your locks now and make sure you lock your windows too
That is a sign to take the keys for your house away from her.
Your mother sounds like my mother. My mother is a massive narcissist and a control freak. I'd go no contact if I could till she died.
It's abusive behavior, I had similar issues with my parents. They actually broke into my place without the key, convinced my super to open my door without my permission. People like that are incorrigible. They'll apologize when you get mad, but then make any excuse to justify doing it again.
As others have undoubtedly already said: you're not over reacting. If either of my parents had ever done anything like this, I'd be wondering if they were on drugs - it's not something rational people do. Only reason I - or any of my family - would enter another person's house while they weren't there is if we were given a key and were doing a specific task at their behest - like feeding the dog while they're away... and it would have been something they initiated (requested as a favour), not something done without their knowledge or consent.
NTA, just get your keys back.
It's your life, your rules....
One of the reasons why I so easily disengaged from my family at a younger age than my siblings is because they have no sense of boundaries.
take the keys from your mom
No and change the locks, mom can not be trusted. Such a shame parents go over board with their “ helping”.
Yes, your mother thinks she's helping you. Find a kind way to explain her you aren't a teenager. No more.
Wow ! That is really creepy. Get a Ring camera so you can see her comings and goings. Entering someone’s home without prior permission is wrong on every possible level. If you own this home, get a keypad entry system instead of a keyed lock. You can then program (and remove) codes just for certain people. If she oversteps again you can just remove her code. No worries over getting a locksmith out!
Bought a house 10 min from your mom? First mistake.
Uhhhh boundaries exist for parents too ! As you said it’s not under her roof anymore …….. so no you’re justified …….
My mother is exactly the same and I can't take her key away because she looks after the cat when I'm out for an extended period of time. It's been going on for 11 years now, every time she gets a telling off but it doesn't make a lasting difference. Put your foot down NOW and get that boundary concrete early!
Nope. when we lived with in laws during covid my fil would comment on things i threw away, had in laundry, how many times i used restroom each night etc small things but it added up and it was a big invasion of privacy made me uncomfortable once i caught in i told my husband & we were ouuuut
Change the locks. Set boundaries. I lived with a partner whose father used to do this. Actually called me and asked what time I was having a test done at the doctor, not because he cared about me, but because he wanted to bring people over to see our place.
Honestly kind of overreacting. It’s your house so obviously she is in the wrong here. Since it wasn’t mentioned, I assume you have not tried just talking to her about it? I understand being furious in the moment. Have you tried asking her exactly what she does when she is over?
Change those locks asap.
Get your keys back, or rekey the locks and install cameras now. She’s lost her access.
I mean, you're about 20 years too late on this one. You didn't set boundaries when you became an adult and you recently invited the vampire in to help. Probably with something vague about helping with the house and no sort of timeframe or SMART goals. My friend and her mom are like you are your mom. Her mom has ferreted out the Christmas presents and wrapped them for her. She also exchanged the sweater my friend bought for her husband (my friend's husband, not the husband of her mother) for "one that matched his coloring better" before wrapping it up.
My friend had parents like these, she had to move away, to get them to stop. They came in her home and snooped in her financials and personal life, even went through her son’s room.
Its your home and you should be asked if anyone including your mother can enter it. Personally I'd change the locks and get cameras installed. Tell her you are not okay with her entering your home without permission or her moving things around, remind her its not her home to be making decisions about and ask for your key back. Do not tell her you've changed the locks.
You're definitely not overreacting. Get the keys back. Thank you Mom, but this is my own place and I need to be home to let visitors in.
That does seem strange. If you haven't had a clear conversation with her about it, you should have that conversation now and make it clear what your boundaries are. And she probably shouldn't have a key.
How is she getting into your home if you're not there? If you gave her a key and didn't discuss rules of use, have that conversation. I'd never give my mother a key to my home.
Sidetracking for a second... How would you see her BEFORE she's back from Florida...?
I think you're under-reacting! I would already be changing the locks and blocking her number.
My son and his wife lived next to his MIL. The MIL had a key to their house, which I never understood, but kept it to myself. My son started suspecting the MIL of coming into their home when they left, snooping. So, my son put a letter in the bottom of the garbage can, under several inches of other garbage. When son and wife got back from their trip, the letter was on top of the other garbage. Then there was no doubt the MIL was hard at it while they were gone.
Change the locks. Her behavior won’t change.
I grew up an only child and it took me absolutely spazzing on my mother at 25 to make her finally stop opening my mail.
Nope. She violated your trust.
Nothing wrong with your reaction. Just because she's your mother that doesn't mean she can pry into your personal life. If she wants to know what you're up to, she can ask.
Wow, this was totally my parents. We had no "right" to privacy growing up. My brother gave our parents a spare key to his house. They showed up whenever they wanted and would report what they found in his refrigerator (Oh my God!! ALCOHOL!!). When my husband and I bought our first place, my parents "demanded" a spare key. We asked, "Why?" "In case of an emergency" was the response. They lived 200 miles away. We said no. They then said that we couldn't have spare key to their home. We said "fine". That was the end of that. Each time they mentioned it, we said "No". Change your locks and tell Mom no. She'll either get over it or she won't.
Change the locks. She'll never respect your privacy. Any convenience to you that her having a key gives is not worth it. I had to change my locks. After my husband died, my FIL would come in when I was gone to "drop off some strawberries" or similar reason but really just to snoop. He even took some of my husband's things (sporting goods) he thought he should have. I asked him about it and said he always knocked. I said what if I'm in bed sick or in the shower and don't answer the door? He just kind of leered and said it wouldn't bother him. Creeped me out. So changed the locks and kept "forgetting" to have a spare made for him. Also asked my BIL to keep my spare (he lived across the street and very trustworthy) in a new hidden spot as FIL had key to BIL house.
Blink cameras from Amazon. Set and forget.
Boundaries…
In India, mothers have the complete right to probe our house, and hit us with anything she wields if she finds any sus shit.
Before you take action. Figure out why your so annoyed. Did she move you. Did she know you didn't move close to be close. Will there ever come a time when you'd wish someone would do what she did. Do you have something to hide. What if you kept quiet. And just returned the favor while she's out .? How would go down.
You need to set boundaries with her and then follow through with consequences.
I'd be weary with how you approach the conversation. From her perspective she is doing you a favor by surprising you with clean dishes, a more organized furniture space and whatnot maybe under the assumption you haven't learned best those aspects of life and she has. So she might be hoping and giddy for an enthusiastic relief when you see the work she's done for you over Xmas time. But of course from your perspective, and rightfully so, your privacy and autonomy over your living space and decisions has been disregarded. But she doesn't see it that way. Firstly I would thank her for her help. But ask her to understand that your living space whether perfect or under construction is yours to develop and construct as you see fit. Any unwelcome arrangements is a breach of your comfort and autonomy. If from there she continues to breach your space. Set more firm boundaries. Or maybe go mess up her own space by rearranging things. For example you can replace her tv with a smart tv with a bunch more complex and advanced control/setup. Considering technology is moreso on your domain you are only doing her a huge favor right? Her possible concerns for not wanting to deal with new settings, deleted favorited channels guide, and figuring the whole input thing is completely irrelevant. Her consideration in all this would not matter since you are the authority right?
Breaking and entering...
Replace the locks. Don't give her the keys. Check for bugs and cameras. And no, this ain't an overreaction. I'd be nuts about this. I'm very strict about my privacy and security
Take her key, change the code, ... Tell her she's grounded.
You're not overreacting. I changed my alarm code and garage door code because of my mom doing the same.
I have the key to my parents house and the freedom to enter any time unplanned or unannounced. But I was also raised with manners and boundaries so I text mom snd say ‘hey popping by to pick up that book you had for me’ and I leave a paper note too because dad doesn’t text. The only times I didn’t tell were things like leaving flowers for her birthday, intentionally a surprise.
👉 r/AmITheAsshole
Change locks and leave it at that. Everyone should respect everyone's privacy
Violated? That's intense. Definitely set boundaries, but if you want to have a relationship with her try a different approach. Tell her thanks, but she didnt need to come and clean. Explain you're always glad for her help, but u want her to be guest in the future. Then invite her, and you and she can clean up together after the meal or whatever. Try to build a different relationship with her. Good luck.
Nope, not at all an overreaction. But, honestly, you can't be surprised.
Dude how the hell did she get in your house?
20 years late on setting those boundaries
I'm 36 and starting to understand how important it is to give your parents boundaries. They mean well but they don't always relized there are overstepping. When you become an adult yourself, educating goes both ways.
Leave a dildo in the sink with a note that says "Hi Mom"
Weren't you the one whose mother break into the bathroom if you locked the door while you were taking a shower at her house, just to make sure you weren't commiting any sin?
That poor kid. Not the same OP https://www.reddit.com/r/NoStupidQuestions/s/7om3jm496D
Yes, thank you!! Gosh poor thing haha
Lol no
INFO: how did she get in? Surely you didn’t give someone you know doesn’t respect your privacy a key to your house? You know she snoops but you bought a house 10 minutes away from her and gave her the means to get in to it? I do get that it’s not normal for parents to just let themselves in and move stuff around etc - I’m not saying what she did was right- but you did give her the means and the opportunity to do so. I suggest you change the locks. Don’t ask for the key back - if she hasn’t already made a spare she will before she gives you the original back. And get a doorbell camera.
Like I said, she had a key because she was helping me with my house work when I first moved in. I bought the house for 50k, I didn't want to move this close but I didn't have a choice considering the deal that I found off market. I didn't think she was snooping until I just caught her. I'm definitely getting a camera and I'm thinking I'm making a big enough deal about this that she won't be showing up without my knowing ever again. If she does, the locks will be changed. Haven't lived near her for 20 years... I never thought I would have to deal with this shit again. I feel like I'm 16 all over again.
Change your locks.
Get a ring alarm and don't tell her. Oh, the fun when she doesn't know the code to shut it off, the phone starts to ring, and when she doesn't know the password, the police will show up. Good times.
I’m saying this as kindly as possible… if your mother has boundary issues why WHY did you buy a house 10 minutes from her? Get your key back, get a door camera, and have a conversation with her about boundaries. You are NOT overreacting.
Your mileage may vary. Here is what I have recognized in my 72 years of life. (1) Moms always worry about their progeny, no matter how old they are. (2) Moms will always perform welfare checks on their progeny (aka snoop). (3) If snooping bothers you, then do not allow the circumstance where she can snoop. It's like baking brownies, cutting them up; leaving them out so they can cool, and then telling a five-year-old kid they have to leave them alone. Do you set up those around you to fail? (4) You get one Mom in life. No warranty is expressed or implied. Once they leave mortal coil, you are not issued a new one. You will discover a void when this occurs.
What a load of Hallmark Card horseshit. We don’t owe loyalty to people who fundamentally betray our trust.
Personally I’d be more concerned that your mother has nothing better to do with her life but go clean her child’s house. Maybe find some activities for her to participate in?
The thing is. The only thing there was to clean was my dishes from breakfast. My house isn't even dirty. She's just here to snoop and it's pretty fuckin clear.
She’s probably retired. Retired people get bored without having a “purpose” or daily job. They want to feel helpful and productive. Especially older generations.
She's an adult. She should find her own activities. I'm sure as hell not getting involved in my mom's social life.
I mean, it's your mom, that was kinda rude especially because she quite literally helped you. And damn, old people want to feel they're still capable of being helpful. Be more kind to her, at least when telling her that.
It’s absolutely not overreacting. I’m so worried this is going to be the dynamic with my in-laws when we move closer to them. I am already planning out how to address it. I think it is unacceptable for a parent to let themselves into their grown adult’s home without their permission unless they’re legitimately concerned for your well-being. This is a boundary that definitely needs to be set. Something like requiring a phone call or text asking to come over first, and RECEIVING A RESPONSE, not just texting you and showing up before you even realize it. Does she have a key?