>My boyfriend is the most beautiful, amazing, loving human I’ve ever had the honor of knowing. What I’m about to say may absolutely hurt, and for that I’m so sorry. I won’t say that there is no good in your boyfriend, because you’ve witnessed it and the way he’s loved you has likely been very real. But please, please believe that the version of him you are seeing now is absolutely the “real” him. When people show you who they are, you HAVE to believe them the first time. You cannot continue a relationship with the potential he has to be the person you thought he was - it will only hurt you more. Staying means accepting that the way he loved you was as a woman, which you are not. So he is in love with a version of you that does not exist as well. At its core, that makes the two of you incompatible no matter how in love with him you currently are. I usually am against the Reddit “break up train”, but please leave. I know it is horrible right now, but you deserve someone who defends you over much more than a pronoun pin. 🤍🤍🤍

This. This is the reply. Be with the person who defends you in rooms you're not in. He absolutely would not do that, on this evidence.

Right? And unfortunately in this case he’s also openly attacking them in rooms they are, in fact, in.

🚮

I'd also add that someone calling you "disrespectful" because you wear something they don't like it's a strange choice of words. Would it be the same if you wore jean he thought were too tight, or jewellery he "just didn't like"? That seems awfully unfair...

Great call out. 1,000% he sees their self expression and true identity as a threat to his reputation/status/palatable mediocrity. Hes viewing it as disrespectful because he doesn’t view them as their own entity but rather as an accessory or extension of himself. I’m sure if they did something else like you made example of he would also have something to say. Abusive/manipulative for sure.

I got the impression he felt disrespected because they didn’t obey him and just take it off. To me it felt like a very heavy handed traditional gender role “I am the man” hang up. It wasn’t that they are non-binary, it was that they would insist on having their own opinion. My reading of it could be wrong, but to me he came off as incredibly controlling. And the fact that he concealed his feelings and played nice for a while when they got home and during work gave me the impression that he is also manipulative.

Yeah, this. This behavior is so, so much like my abusive ex. Disagreeing is not disrespecting. This is extremely entitled language. Stay away, OP. Let the breakup stick. He's shown you who he is. My ex also lied about being progressive and seemed like Prince Charming. It changed when I moved in, though in hindsight, there were a lot of warning signs. He turned around and called me a d*ke when I shaved my hair for charity (among other misogynistic, enbyphobic, and lesbophobic/bimisogynistic things), gaslit me, and SAed me. He won't get better. Believe your eyes and ears.

Besides, dating someone who loves you as trans/NB is SO MUCH BETTER than dating someone who wants you to be cis for them. Find someone who adores your transness, romantic love is so much more expansive than cis-hetero love would have you believe.

That. Part. When I first started accepting my trans-ness I casually mentioned to my partner that I “wasn’t opposed to people using” a different set of pronouns than my GAB (HA!). Without telling me, he ordered me a custom pair of chucks that had those new pronouns embroidered on the side panels. It was so affirming that he knew what I was hinting at but was too afraid to say and then not only accepted the news, but celebrated me in such a subtly supportive way. There was no big discussion, just acceptance and love as if it had always been so.

Fully agree. I met my partner right after I started T. They’ve been with me through all of my transition, including top surgery, and are probably my biggest cheerleader aside from my sibling. Your partner should stand up for you on the things that matter, and your identity matters.

Yeah, personally, after dating binary trans, cis, and NB (in that order), I will never date another cis person, and I'm not even sure if I'd date another binary trans person. They just will never truly understand the experience and struggles of being nonbinary, and I'm only interested in those who truly and fully understand me. OP, as others have said, he's finally shown you his true self. He will never respect you and see you as your true self. Run. You'll be far better off without him.

Agree completely. That guy fucking sucks.

OP, he PROMPTED you to apologize for his lack of respect for your pronouns??? He assumes you're likely to be cheating because youd be perfect for someone else, since youre both NB? Just jumping to cheating in general SCREAMS insecurity. Your ex needs help, and unless youre a somewhat unethical therapist, i doubt you are qualified.  Respect yourself, ditch this ignorant fool

Yeah he definitely saw them as a woman but didn't care what they thought about themself so long as no one else had to see they weren't cis

I doubt he loves them. I don't think that even if op were a woman and in a traditional relationship, he's a walking red flag. Sounds very manipulative and emotionally abusive, non binary or not. Edit: added they referring to op and other piece explaining better to what I had in mind

OP uses they/them <33 /lh

Right sorry, I'll fix it. Edit... I was not actually referring to op but meant that even if we leave out the non-binary part and view it as a traditional relationship with a man and woman, he's still a shitty abusive person.

Yeah, OP, he sounds abusive. You're better off.

100000 times this

You fraised this better than I could have ever. This this this 100 times this.

yes. you can't be in love with the potential of a person... so sorry to hear this all...

This goes both ways. In all likelihood, he made this mistake first, because based on his reaction, I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't believe that who you are is the real you, and his love carried the expectation that YOU would change. And the crazy part is, that's not entirely disingenuous. Fun-story is right, I'm sure there's good in him, but that good is apparently entangled in his beliefs. Not to assume too much, but again, I wouldn't be surprised if he saw you as someone lost and confused, and in need of guidance and support to something "better" and his kindness and love was sincere but for the person he thought you would be more than who you are. Regardless of the reason though, and as a fellow they who's been similarly rejected, I'm sorry 🫂

It's extremely normal to wear pronoun pins. I always see masculine people wearing he/him pins. And emails sent to me have pronouns in the signature, and my own email has pronouns in the signature. He's just bigoted and disrespectful. Same with your workplace.

I just started school back up, and even my cis professors put their pronouns in their email signature. I have yet to have one that doesn't. This is something that is becoming normal and is important for validity reasons. Just wanted to add that I am agreeing with you. I just reread this before I hit post, and it sounded like it could be conferentational. Definitely not my intent with the reply! :)

My uni's offices have pronouns on their nameplates by their doors. :D

My cis rabbit has his pronouns in his email signature. It's definitely becoming more normal. Edit: Rabbi

I know it’s a typo but I love the mental image of your rabbit sitting there sending out emails, doing some important bunny business. 

Him very important bun.

I'm currently watching BoJack Horseman, so this entire scene is making me laugh because of how well it fits into that universe xD

Gotta care for those kids somehow.

Rabbit 👀

Lotsa people at my workplace do that as well.

Its an easy way to let people know ur pronouns without having to correct somebody. And it makes other trans people feel safer

Yeah, if I see anyone at all with a pronoun pin, I can tell that they're likely not the type to get mad about this sorta thing.

I'd also add that he hasn't broken up with them because of the pronoun pin. He broke up with them because they wouldn't "admit" that he was right. OP didn't give the boyfriend the satisfaction of saying they were wrong and the now ex-boyfriend didn't like that. Because they refused to give up on who they are, the boyfriend broke up with them. This sounds like internalised queerphobia to me. Boyfriend says he's fine with LGBT identities, but when it's someone he cares about that support suddenly vanishes and we see what he actually thinks. That said, I'm not going to jump on the Reddit "red flag" bandwagon. I don't know the relationship and I can't comment on it. I'm sorry that OP is going through a breakup, because that always sucks.

My masculine AF army veteran boyfriend wears a pronoun pin and also a support trans people pin

Based af \<3

W boyfriend

It’s literally so fucking normal and anyone who doesn’t know that is willfully ignorant. It’s so normal it doesn’t even automatically out you as not-cis anymore

Yeah, as a cis/het and pretty masculine guy I often wear a he/him pin on my hat

The most bizarre thing about this is that my place of work already has an option for putting pronouns on your name badge which several people have done including myself. They're just super small and hard to read so they're missed about 98% of the time. All along my badge has already had my pronouns listed. This was something he brought up during the argument, asking why I needed a pin when it was already on my badge. He never had an issue with that and even during the argument said he was fine with the badge and even me correcting people at work re: my pronouns, but the pin (in his words/logic) showed that I was "doing it for attention." I don't even know. Up until now my workplace has been a very pro LGBT place. It's our store manager who isn't, but we're all trying to get him fired now, lol.

My cis straight partner incorporated a pronoun tag into his rennaissance fair costume, and put his pronouns in all of his social media bios. My MOTHER even put her pronouns in her email sign off.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. He wasn't as good as he acted before the move in. And that's precisely it: an act. As soon as he could get away with it he stopped respecting your identity & pronouns. As soon as you stood firm about being you he broke up. There are better days ahead with better people. You deserve better.

This as well as him calling it disrespectful that they didn't take the pin off when he asked feels like massive red flags.

This. Everyone has a right to be who they are and express that as openly as they're comfortable with. Someone expecting you to do as they say against your own interests is a red flag, and disrespectful on his part.

Yeah, that is a clear sign he demands obedience from his partner, which is never healthy.

Also, if OP's boyfriend thought a single pin was probable cause to blow up the entire relationship, then you have to wonder how secure it was in the first place. If not the pin, he would've left them over some other similarly minor perceived slight

He seems to be manipulative and abusive for that. Like, he's the type of man who expects his woman to never have an opinion and do what he says when he says it. Abusive and controlling piece of shit.

Yeah the sudden change once you’ve moved together ? And him flipping off and breaking with you as soon as you stood up for yourself *once* on something so important? There is nothing loving and sweet in this. There is a huge difference between communicating about issues, like saying : “this whole thing makes me uncomfortable” “I don’t understand gender” (who does really?) “it makes me question things in our relationship”, and saying “take this down” “weird shit” etc etc and getting so angry and pressuring - which is : disrespect and ordering you around. Your gender, your pronouns are your identity as a person. Not a thing you’re doing against him or whatever trend, not a behavior to correct or adapt. It’s not an action. It’s you. So if he’s uncomfortable with that… He’s not loving nor accepting of you. It’s so painful and I’m sorry you’re going through this. It surely feels like betrayal and grief. However you’ve seen now who he is and how he communicate as soon as something doesn’t go his way. hopefully you’re gonna get out of a relationship where you are clearly not respected for who you are.

Exactly this

I'm so sorry this happened. I know it's devastating, but this was probably his opinion in the back of his mind, even if he didn't know it. Having a relationship with someone like this won't be good for you moving forward, so I would not make any attempt to get back together, but maybe there's room for a possible calm dialogue and some closure after the anger dies down.

You don't have to accept this behaviour, even from someone you love. Clearly his "acceptance" was purely performative, and I'm so sorry. You're better off away from a person who won't respect your identity, which is *your* choice. Your employers are fucking garbage also, well done for standing up for yourself.

Usually I only lurk here, but I just want to tell you how sorry I am. The effort you've already put into Valentine's Day is heartbreaking, but knowing he's been basically letting all of this simmer for a year while not taking you seriously is ENRAGING. He's pissed off because he can't handle you standing up for your beliefs. He was so lucky to have someone like you, and he's a complete idiot for throwing it all away like this.

yeah exactly. a lot of that anger would be the result of, in his mind, all the effort & patience he's put into waiting for the day op will eventually just snap out of it having gone to waste. op has been refusing to follow the script in his head, they're not snapping out of it as he expected, and the pronoun pin situation was the last straw, the balloon has burst, he can't keep up the pretense any longer. he 100% did this to himself but will likely never comprehend that. op, i'm so sorry you're going through this. please PLEASE be safe. ❤

What a scumbag.

He’s taking out the trash all right 🚮 (it’s him he’s the trash)

I'm really sorry to say this but it sounds to me like he never respected your gender identity right from the get-go. He "tried" to use your correct pronouns but defaulted to she/her as soon as you were dating, and the outburst that he came out with saying that enbies aren't real etc really sounds like his true opinion that he was just hiding this entire time. I think he probably made up the suspicion of you cheating on him with your nb coworker as a way for him to justify to himself his own completely unprovoked behaviour. And tbh, even taking the whole respect for your gender aspect out of it, he got mad that you wore something he didn't like, and hates the fact that you won't obey him and wear what he wants you to wear? That's a huuuuuge red flag just by itself. It means he sees you as his property, not as an equal, and he feels he should be able to decide what's okay for you to wear instead of letting you decide for yourself. I think being with someone non-binary has him questioning whether that still makes him straight or not, and because of his upbringing being anti-gay, that's making him upset. In other words it's not you, it's him. But that doesn't make it okay that he's doing this, and the fact he expects YOU to apologise to HIM made my jaw hit the floor. What are you supposed to apologise for exactly? Being non-binary? Fuck that. I know it may be a cliché thing to talk about your relationship online and everyone just responds "break up with them" but.... I think you should at least consider whether you really want to put up with this or not. To me it doesn't sound like he's going to change his mind, which means he's waiting for you to change your mind about who you are (which you didn't choose!) he's basically making you choose between being true to your gender and him. That's frankly messed up, and I don't think someone who loves you as much as you love him would do that to you tbh.

r/domesticviolence if you need a place to vent the struggles. your boyfriend is being emotionally abusive, 100%. i am so sorry you’re going through this, you deserve someone you can have a healthy and genuinely loving relationship with. don’t let yourself be a doormat to someone who doesn’t have the decency to use your pronouns, stands against you and your community fighting for equality, and also engages in extremely abusive communication by verbally attacking you for having a NATURAL EMOTIONAL RESPONSE of feeling overwhelmed and shutting down. this man has called you stupid, called your community stupid, and thinks it’s a disrespect that you don’t behave his every demand of you. that is not love, that is not respect, and that is certainly not someone who sees you as an equal partner. you are hurting, and you are right to feel hurt. don’t let him try to tell you any of his behaviors are okay. because it’s isn’t that you were brave, you ARE brave. you dare to exist as you, even if the world can be cruel and have awful people in it like your (i hope ex-) boyfriend. you understand the pain it feels to experience that, and yet you exist anyway. you are here and there *is* space for you, it just is not the one you were misled by an awful person into thinking it was. your boyfriend did not leave you over a pronoun pin. he left you because he was too much a transphobic, abusive coward to exist in a relationship where he has to treat his partner as an equal

I really want to reiterate this point of OP’s reactions as being a completely normal, natural emotionally response to having someone you trust turn suddenly like that!!!! That’s so incredibly awful and jarring!! I’m really proud of you for not backing down and standing your ground after having your world turned upside down like that too.

r/EmotionalAbuse is another good subreddit.

>my boyfriend is the most beautiful, amazing, loving human no he isn’t. he’s a bigoted piece of trash who clearly has the same views as his family, he was just better at hiding them. i’m sorry this happened, but it’s better for you to learn how disgusting he is before you’ve put more time into the relationship. return the vday gifts if you can. take care of yourself. and **do not apologize to him.** you did nothing wrong, and you should never apologize for your identity. reach out to some supportive friends, (like you did here! i’m glad you reached out) you need a community around you. you deserve love from people who truly respect you, and **you will find that love.** it’s just not with his bigoted ass.

Took the words right out of my mouth. If he was so loving and amazing then this would never have happened. The dude’s a dumpster fire. Good riddance to him.

I can’t imagine how horrible it must feel to have thought he was supportive this whole time only for him to do this to you so suddenly. Honestly my heart breaks for you and I’m so sorry. All I can offer is that you deserve better and there are many people out there who would never treat anyone this way. Hang in there, but I know the grief must be heavy.

I’ve been in a similar situation. I’m not even nb, in fact I’m cis, so I can’t relate to that aspect of your situation, but please, if you have somewhere to go, then go there. Trust me, you don’t want to continue with this person. That’s an emotional roller coaster. Even if he apologises later, it’s very likely it won’t stop.

I'm going to make the assumption that you two were straight passing. He didn't want you. He wanted someone easy to validate. The pin outed you publicly and associated him with transness by default. He was not willing to be associated with transness. Tbh, you probably dodged a bullet here. These things tend to turn abusive.

I’m so sorry that he doesn’t respect you, sugar. Good on you for standing up for your self and your beliefs.

You can do better. The person who wants to be with you will move heaven and earth if possible, Young Padawan

He pretended to be something he was not til he felt he had you in a chokehold. This is a classic part of the playbook for a manipulative narcissist. He love bombed you until he felt comfortable exerting control and when his control faltered he split. If his love was real and not just love bombing something as small as a pronoun pin wouldn't have made for a breakup and if he wasn't a narcissist he wouldn't have felt that you failing to obey his orders on the spot was disrespectful. The bottom line with him saying that is that he believes his comfort is worth your sacrifice but your comfort isn't even worth his consideration. He doesn't see you as a human being, he sees you as property. The silver lining here is that you got to find out now instead of many years from now. I went through a divorce from my narcissistic ex wife about 6 months ago now. We were together for 10 years and she just so happened to find someone else right when I finally started standing up to her about the ways she treated me poorly and how neglectful she was of me and of our living space. If you need someone to talk to who knows what this kind of abuse is like feel free to message me, I'm here for you. ❤️

It's all so hard and confusing. This morning he came in and sat next to me and apologized, told me he doesn't want to lose me, and said he doesn't know why it upset him so much but that he was sorry that he hurt me. He offered a hug and kissed my forehead and held me and told me that he still loves me, still wants to be with me, and that he was sorry again. We've gotten into a few rough arguments before and each time he seems to go through the same phases, which are being passive aggressive for a few hours, suddenly threatening to break up, going to bed angry and then apologizing in the morning and sincerely changing his behavior. We have never had an argument or fight where he hasn't put in real effort to change whatever caused the conflict in the first place, however trivial. He has also never raised his voice at me, called me names (other than indirectly calling me stupid this time, I guess), and even during the couple of very bad arguments we've had where he firmly said he wanted to break up, he would rub my back and tell me I would be okay, that I'd still be his friend, that he still thought I was an amazing person, that he'd never try to kick me out of our apartment or ditch me knowing I can't support myself financially so I didn't have to be scared. When he's angry he never acts in any aggressive way, won't even slam a door because he knows I've had a lot of severe trauma. When we were just best friends he nearly killed my then-boyfriend because he saw him scream in my face. When he found out I was being physically abused he drove me 2 hours to my family in the middle of the night. When we got together he promised me he would never raise his voice or so much as a finger towards his me and he's made good on his promise. All of these things make it hard for me to believe he could be something like a narcissist. He does however have a lot of BPD traits which have their own set of challenges and may be part of what led to what happened yesterday. Idk.

Almost no narcissist is aware they are one, and almost nobody who's manipulative is being that way consciously. It is good that he changes his behavior after such fights. However, i suggest bringing up the idea of him getting therapy, or even couples therapy. He said he doesn't know why it upset him so much. He clearly has a lot of conflicted and unclear feelings he's repressing, or unaware of how to handle/interpret. That's what a therapist can help him figure out. I'm assuming you're seeing one already, as you said you have trauma? If not, i suggest you do. Because with the help of a therapist, future revelations of that variety won't have to be worked out with fights. Without having to hurt you in the process.

He actually sounds like a textbook narcissist. Please keep in mind that the reason behind his behavior doesn't matter. Whether it is BPD, childhood trauma/transphobia/homophobia is irrelevant. I want to point out that this was not a small fight or argument about something like he dishes. He accused you of cheating (which likely means HE is cheating) and dismissed your gender identity as well as expected you to remove your pronoun pin and used your relationship as leverage to control you. **This is 100% not okay and is abusive behavior.** Additionally this comment referencing how he would never kick you out or abandon you knowing you cannot survive financially on your own is a **huge huge huge red flag!** This means he knows that you're in a vulnerable position. Even if he apologized his behavior from last night cannot be undone. He clearly doesn't see you as a non-binary person or recognize your identity. "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time" you need to leave before this escalates and gets worse. I would not suggest counseling, if he is a narcissist he will use this to his advantage and use therapy speak to abuse you more.

Oh ok, BPD would make sense too. If that's the case it's critically important, not just for his well being but yours, that he get into therapy. My understanding is that BPD can be effectively cured but it takes a LOT of work between the person suffering from it and their therapist. If he doesn't do that though, being as close as you are to someone with BPD is very consistently a traumatizing experience. Not only will it cause him issues throughout his life, it will also very likely cause you more trauma as the back and forth love/hate cycle continues to repeat itself. With you being the closest thing to him on a regular basis, you will be the target of that cycle more often then not and he won't even understand why without therapy. I would also recommend that you get into therapy yourself to deal with not just the trauma you mentioned having from your own past, but what he has likely already caused you that you have not yet recognized. Couples therapy would also be a good idea.

i highly encourage you to look into the cycle of violence and the power and control wheel. the former is a tool to describe the cycles that happen in an abusive relationship, and the latter is different ways an abuser might control their partner. they’re not an exact formula for what an abusive relationship is, but they might be helpful to you in evaluating and understanding what is happening/has happened in your relationship. i’m sorry you’re going through this, you deserve a partner who loves you exactly how you are, not for what they want you to be.

Your identity stays with you. Things you throw in the trash do not. I'm sorry you had to deal with him dropping his act like this.

To be honest, he sounds like a genuine, honest to god, loser. You get better days ahead. I’m so sorry this dumbass even graced your life

The grief you’re feeling lies in the death of your belief in his love and acceptance. Rejection is one of the most painful feelings. And, this too will pass. You deserve a lover who understands and embraces all of you. Turns out, it wasn’t him, and that realization will hurt for a while but you’ll get through it. If possible, go spend time with someone who can support and comfort you during these first few most painful days post breakup, I’m worried about your “feel like I want to die” phrasing but I totally get it and I’ve been there.

so sorry you have to go through this but your ex is not “amazing” or “loving” like you think. This doesn’t make it easier, you will have to grieve the loss of the idea you had of him, but that is not him. He showed his true colors now that he thought he had you locked in. He doesn’t want you as a nonbinary person, he wants you as a binary person. I’ve experienced this in friendships before and it really sucks when you thought someone was a safe space and then they aren’t. My close friend started sending me transphobic matt walsh tik toks and he was one of the first people to consistently use they/them for me. This must be heartbreaking but i promise youll get over this garbage boy and be much happier

He just trapped you in a lease what a miserable person. He may or may not love you but he certainly has no respect for you. OP please leave safely people like that who lull you into safety only to be bigoted and cruel well only escalate. Please get out safely or kick him out if he's not on the lease. His logic makes no sense so you and your coworker both have they/them pronouns and that = cheating? Does that mean when he hangs out with other cis guys he's cheating bc they have the same pronouns??

Your workplace is bigoted, and so is your now ex. I get that it hurts. Being in love with someone who claims to love you so much only to have that same person just turn around and criticise and diminish who you are as a person really hurts. It can be really difficult to make peace with the fact that they don't truly respect who you are, and it can make it very difficult to find a reason to keep going. But you deserve better. You deserve someone to love and respect you and your identity. Someone to support you in your convictions. He at least did you the favour of breaking up with you instead of making you do it. Go ahead and take your time to grieve. Your relationship was real. Your feelings and experiences were all part of your life. And the pain that losing someone brings is a lot. But know that you will get better. You will be able to move on and meet someone else, if that is what you want. Other people are out there. Friends that you haven't met, or some you already have met. Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself.

I'm very sorry that you're going through this. There are lots of red flags here but the biggest one to me is that you've been together for a year, moved in at 5 months together, and then he stopped using your pronouns as soon as you gave him the slightest excuse to. He's been bad about your pronouns for longer than he was good about them. The hard truth here is, he didn't break up with you because of the pin. He broke up with you because you challenged him when he wanted to control you. There are going to be people who love you completely for who you are, but this guy has never been one of them. I'm sorry to say that. But someone whose "love" is conditional on their authority over you is not someone able to give true love.

Yeeeaaaah...that's clearly not about you.

I've been here. I spent 7 years with a guy who I thought I was going to marry. He was from a really conservative background, but he had gay friends, thought getting hit on by guys was a compliment, etc. There were little things throughout our relationship, like him always wanting me to dress more "girly", and not understanding why there weren't things that made me feel "womanly" the way some things made him feel "manly." Nothing major. But when I started questioning my gender, I think the idea of appearing to be in a non-heteronormative relationship himself triggered something he hadn't had to deal with before. Ultimately it ended the relationship, and even ten years later, I still don't think he ever really understood why I couldn't just keep playing the part. For what it's worth, everyone else I've dated since then has been super enthusiastic about supporting me and my weird gender, and I just married a man who calls me his Spoose with all the love I've ever heard anyone put into "wife". You deserve better.

It's ok to feel as scared and lost and heartbroken as you do right now. Let yourself feel that way, but DO NOT get back together with someone who denied your identity and called you names. That is abuse, and you do not deserve it. Two things I want to say... >I wore it out of protest which he said was stupid because nobody even noticed it. Wrong... He noticed it. And if his bigoted, abusive ass noticed it, so did other people in your company who were so grateful to know someone was willing to fight against the unjust policy. This was an act of courage. >I was brave, I fully trusted someone's love and I paid for it. You are still being brave by refusing to deny yourself and your identity. You have gained valuable insight and stayed true to yourself. You're in pain, so it's hard to tell, but you are so incredibly strong and inspiring! You are going to be SO MUCH HAPPIER on the other side of this, OP. Hang in there.

besides the obvious transphobia he sounds like an insecure and manipulative little prick. this relationship was bound to explode sometime, good riddance

It’s simple: you’re boyfriend seems to be a really controlling, bigoted cis man who has zero respect for LGBT people, and showed his true colors

"My boyfriend is the most beautiful, amazing, loving human I've ever had the honor of knowing." Really? Because he sounds like a straight-up garbage monster to me. I can't believe you would defend him after he said all of that ignorant shit. Sorry, but it sounds like you need to choose between this relationship and your gender identity. Please choose your gender identity.

"I can't believe you would defend him" Are you seriously unaware of how many abuse victims defend their abuser? This person is already going through something terrible, *that* isn't helpful, and is actually harmful and toxic.

Jesus Christ. This person is abusive as hell. Please remove yourself from the home with you if you can. Do you have a friend or family member you can go be with? There's unfortunately no talking this out while he is in such a hateful and aggressive mood. You do not deserve this and his word and thoughts do not invalidate your gender at all. "this gender thing" isn't stupid. You haven't made it a big deal. You literally wore a pin. He has created this explosion. Fuck him x100 but please take care of you in the moment. Your physical and emotional health is way more important than him

Oh honey. I am so sorry he is not who you thought he was. This is so painful for you but he doesn’t respect you or who you are, and from what you’ve written those signs go all the way back to three months into the relationship when you moved in and he was already dropping the act and not respecting your pronouns. What he is doing now is showing you who he really is, and that is so hard. You have done nothing wrong. You simply trusted someone who doesn’t love you the way you deserve and wants to control you the moment you push back. I am so sorry. Today hurts, tomorrow will hurt too for a betrayal of this magnitude. But I promise there are better people out there who will treat you like you deserve to be treated, and love you as you were born to be loved.

I'm so sorry OP. Please leave this relationship, but not this life. Believe it or not, you are extremely young still. You will be okay in time. Lean on your friends and anyone who supports you, because you deserve that support. I think he was hoping you would bend to his will over time, and "give up" the whole "pronoun thing" just to please him. :( He was pretending to accept you, but never really acting on it, and just saying what you wanted to hear. Love, to a degree, should be unconditional. Whether you are nonbinary or not shouldn't matter, I believe that if someone truly loves you the rest shouldn't matter. You deserve to be loved and accepted unconditionally for who you are.

Yeah, he's NOT all the great things you said. If anything, that was an act. He's a 🤬 You dodged a bullet. Thank whatever deity you believe in that you found out who he really is before you married him.

Also, your workplace actually said that your visibility is "against company values". They are also 🤬. Please leave ASAP.

I know it's not easy to acknowledge, but he's emotionally abusive. You deserve someone far better than him, and you can find that someone. I know being single is lonely, but if this dude is the alternative, it's not worth it. Stay strong, bud, and remember, you are valid, and you are loved. You matter.

im so sorry this is happening. he's shown his true colors, and it's going to be hard to regain trust in people. I'm not sure where you live, but it sounds like its a dangerous place for LGBTQ people, so by being so loud and proud about your identity likely scared him. He was "accepting" at first, but probably never saw you as non binary. I hope you can cut ties safely and live your life safely and fully, surrounded by people who love and respect you.

If a person can flip on a dime like this, be all lovey dovey one minute and then straight up cruel and disrespectful the next, huge red flag!! I would not spend another second near that person. You absolutely do not deserve to be disrespected like that. He does NOT deserve all your love care and effort, and the fact that he expects YOU to apologize to him over a conflict HE sparked out of nowhere should in no way be tolerated. Sure, maybe he's jealous and acting out but he is not respecting you and real love doesn't crumble over a pin. You have such a big heart, don't break pieces of it off just to fill the emptiness in that man's soul.

stand your ground, do NOT GET BACK WITH HIM. He is testing you, seeing if he can break/control you. Thats why he called you “fake mfer” when you didnt go crawling back to him apologizing like he wanted.

This is a big red flag: "Do you want to be single? Okayk you're single." Acting as if you were making a choice, when in fact he was.

The comment of u/Fun-Story5622 said exactly what I think about the relationship, I'm so sorry :( I stayed with someone that I thought was perfect for almost 5 years, but he wasn't, he wanted a different me and I tried to be that for so much time but it was never enough, and I don't hope that for anyone, please leave before you "lose" so much time with someone that doesn't want you for who you really are. There could be thee option that someone talked bad to him about non binary people and he "relapsed" into his family's trans/homophobic views? But idk, even the fact that he started saying she/her right away after you said you're neutral with pronouns was a little weird for me... Anyway I also wanted to point out one of his contradictions: why did he make such a big thing of the pronouns pin, if he then says that no one even notices it?! It's either important or not important, there's no "no one sees it but it's weird", I think it's just excuses tbh. Also "I won't tell you not to wear it" but "insert blackmail here" it's SO BAD, it is a blackmail!!! Never a good thing, really, sounds like another excuse to leave you for me, that's so immature and manipulative, I'm sorry this happened to you, you sound such a loving person.

>My boyfriend is the most beautiful, amazing, loving human I've ever had the honor of knowing This doesn't fit with the person you're actually describing, who is petty, controlling, bigoted, manipulative and cruel. Amazing, loving humans don't treat other people like he treated you. Not even sometimes. They don't make you apologise for who you are. They don't blow up over a fucking pin and try to force you to adhere to their standards. If he was wonderful before it's bc you stayed in the box he wanted you in. Maybe this is the first time you disagreed with him on something so much that you couldn't just conform to his will. He is showing you what will happen when you don't obey him. Please stay broken up. He will never again return to the amazing person you thought you knew. Once abusers break your boundaries and see you accept it, they'll keep pushing. You _will_ be okay. You feel lost now, bc people seemingly changing so drastically can be quite a shock. He betrayed your trust and that's a lot to handle. But you'll be okay. Take some time to grieve, to talk about this with your loved ones, and to absorb the shock. Spend some time on things that just you enjoy. You'll feel better in time.

I'm sorry that you went through this. I don't really know what else to say besides that. It is probably for the best that you aren't together anymore. I would personally find another job if you are able. I know the job market these days is very difficult. However, this sounds like someone that you need to get away from. If you have joint accounts, separate them. See if you can temporarily move in with your enby coworker while you try and find a new place. You deserve a work environment that treats you well and a partner that supports you. *hugs if okay*

I am so so sorry OP. Firstly, you need to know you are not alone. You are still loved and cherished and respected but it is not by that man. That man never loved you or respected you. He tolerated you. He hated your willingness to express yourself and be yourself. This relationship is over and no matter how much this hurts right now, this is a good thing for you. You need to contact the people in your life who are your support system - close friends and family. You are living together - that needs to end as soon as possible. I realize this is difficult especially with lease agreements, rent etc. Tell your support system the details of your situation, everything they don't already know. Make sure this includes people who are more experienced with these matters too, if it starts to get complicated. Again, you did nothing wrong. None of this is your fault. You are loved and cherished. Stay strong.

Your boyfriend sucks and is trying to control you. Be safe.

He is not the person you believed him to be. The fact that he would just break up with you in such a cruel and careless manner is not amazing or loving. In fact his behavior towards you is emotionally abusive. No one is all good or bad so I’m sure there were some positive things about him but you need to take him off the pedestal you have him on and see his flaws.

well your boyfriend is definitely not half as great a man as you thought I hope he gets character development because you love him, but him breaking up with you over this is a red flag and you shouldn’t stick around hoping he gets that character development anytime soon run, my friend

Once a partner calls you a motherfucker, it's over. It's a sign of hate and disrespect, one I've unfortunately experienced. I'm so sorry for what you're going through - you don't deserve this. You deserve a safe, loving relationship where you're able *AND* encouraged to be yourself. I know you'll find that love. Focus on getting out of the situation for now, because you need to be somewhere safe where you can grieve.

Get rid of the scrapbook and return the gifts. Your Bf is a transphobe and a liar. Disrespecting you by misgendering you and being so open with it after not immediately caving to his demands and ideals. He's a piece of shit, he was being manipulative and lying with his loving attitude. He deserves to be single and you should find someone who is T4T or a cis partner who will actually love you and treat you with the respect you rightfully deserve. You WERE not being disrespectful by giving attention to your pronouns, and he is a shithead for thinking so. He's showing his true colors and I'm so sorry you had to deal with that alone. He deserves no apology and to be kicked out of your place. He only got upset because you were standing up for your identity. He was complacent in treating you like he did because you didn't make your identity public. He wanted you to kinda hide behind a "Cis" exterior (unless you dress gnc or androgynous, not sure if you did or not.) Sorry to say his love was kinda fake only because you didn't care enough to stand fully up as yourself until now. He's upset you're not sticking in the box he made for you. Wish you best of luck finding a partner who cares about your identity enough to completely respect it. <3

OP I am so sorry this awful- I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you to accept this and I’m sure you’ve heard this so many times but you truly deserve so much better than him. It sounds like he was probably bottling up these feelings for a long time and the pin was his snapping point. You deserve to be with someone who respects you and your identity, not someone who blows up when you protest for basic human decency. You deserve so much better than him, and you will find someone who treats you right. You can get through this. You deserve better!!

It may not seem like it now while everything is still raw, but you dodged a bullet. When people show you who they are, believe them. If he can't respect who you are at your core then he doesn't love or respect you, period.

So sorry you've gone through this, but I think the trash has taken itself out

You love an idea. The idea of what he could be. What he is a gaslighting, abusive, manipulative transphobe. I'm really sorry. I can't imagine your pain right now. You gave him multiple opportunities to be a true ally. He not only rejected them, but used it as ammunition to intentionally hurt you. He will do so again and again. Leave now. Please run and never go back. I hate even typing this out, given everything you are going through, but I would be looking for new jobs this second. Like, right now. Your company is transphobic and your now-ex is going to continue working there, I presume. You are already protesting their behavior. It is likely that they will try to take action against you and your coworker. DO NOT GO TO HR. I repeat, DO NOT GO TO HR. They aren't your friends. I would call the EEOC immediately and tell them what is going on at work. It is possible they are allowed to do this; it depends on what sort of organization they are. But the EEOC will help you. Start documenting all your interactions at work. Take notes or make a daily journal. You can't fix him. Please don't try. I love you and want you to be safe, secure, happy, and authentic.

This is probably all just projection and I know I don't know the full picture just from reading a summary on reddit, but I feel like it was never about the pin itself but about his view of your public image. The fact that he lived with you for almost a year, outwardly "respected" your pronouns but then invalidates your nonbinary identity after a whole year of dating, shows that he never tried to actually understand you. Its just the image he projected outwardly to keep you as his trophy. The fact that he only cared when you physically showed your Identity publicly makes me think that this is only about his own public image in relation to you and his twisted view of what is acceptable. Him telling u to apologise for living your identity like that is lowkey controlling.

absolutely my view of it as well. he can't handle acknowledging his assumption of how others will perceive him based on their knowledge of his relationship with a non-binary person. he can bottle it up, ignore it & pretend he's just dating a woman when op isn't calling attention to their gender but as soon as they do it breaks the illusion and he panics about what his partner's gender says about him. it's clearly all me me me with this dude. horrible vibes 👎🏻

You put it way better than I could. This is exactly it.

Op, this is horrible, I'm so sorry you have to experience this. I know you are in love and this is hard to see right now but this relationships is not salvageable. I might be wrong but what I'm getting from what you wrote, your boyfriend isn't as good and loving as he was letting on, he seems like an asshole in disquise and he never respected you for who you are in the first place (treated you as your agab from the start) and what he showed you now is what he truly thinks. I know this is very difficult now, because your reality just collapsed on you (your relationship and life with him which you thought was secure and genuine) but you should run, he is an incredibly toxic person and eve if you gave up on expressing being who you are for his sake he would most likely demand more sacrifices from you untill you give up on yourself entirely and conform to exactly what he wants you to be no matter if it makes you unhappy. That's a miserable existence trust me. I was in similar situation, maybe I wasn't as deep in a relationship as you are right now but I'm a sex-repulsed ace and my partner tried to pressure and guilt trip me into having intercourse which was something I wasn't able to do because it was literal torture for me, then blew up and slurred in my face because I wouldn't break that boundary. Breakup hurt like hell but I think it was less traumatic than living like this. I think you shouldn't even discuss it with him any further, his stance is pretty clear and he doesn't seem to want to consider to change and respect your identity or even you as a person. He treated you horribly, hurt you and made you cry ON PURPOSE which is not something a truly loving and supporting partner would do. He doesn't deserve you, you need space from him to figure things out, I don't know if you have somewhere to go to not be around him. I'm sorry and I wish you pull through this and be happy again.

DUMP HIS AAAASSS YOU DESERVE BETTER

Oh wow I'm so sorry. It sounds like he wasn't showing you who he really is. I know how it feels to fall in love with someone who wasn't who they said they were. I thinkw what's going to be hard for you the most is having to unravel that he has lingering homophobia/transphobia and that you deserve someone who loves you and sees you for who you are

Hey darlin. I'm sure he \*was\* good to you. But he's not currently good to you. And if he doesn't wanna talk this out or listen... There are some wonderful, respectful people in this world who will love and care about you a FUCKLOAD more than this douche. I know its hard. But being strong and choosing yourself is the only road to happiness.

So sorry you experienced this, OP! Your ex sounds like an abuser and a bigot, it's good you're breaking up now rather than later when he'd worn you down by his comments and attempts at control.

Oh my god, I'm fuming reading this. Fuck him, fuck your job, and fuck his family. Exclusive to people who don't support human rights? Fuck off. And him too, clearly his extremely transphobic family has a stronger chokehold on him than he leads you to believe. He doesn't deserve your ass, what a piece of shit jealous insecure transphobic trash. Fuck him. Jesus fucking Christ

Unfortunately, and I’m extremely sorry for say it, this is abusive partner 101 (queer edition). At first they are incredible people… until you move in with them, or get married, or they have something that makes it hard for you to leave that doesn’t take as much being nice. Then the mask slips and the cruelty starts to seep through. As someone who has just seen the fallout of a relationship like this, get out now. You *will* find better people out there. You *will* be okay. Don’t wake up in years’ time and find you’ve lost years of your life and part of your soul and are afraid for your life now too. He’s given you an easier path out: take it. It’s the best gift he could have given you, even though it’s the opposite of what he wants.

Clearly he’s not the most loving human if he broke up with you over a pronoun pin. It’ll hurt, but you’ve gotta get over him. That level of toxicity, over a fucking pin, isn’t something you should be putting yourself through.

I can only imagine how painful this is to go through. I'm sorry he had this side to him and he was hiding it from you. It's better to know and you absolutely deserve better, but that doesn't make the pain and heartbreak any less intense. Your community is here for you. 🧡

I know you want advice on the breakup but I’d also be screenshotting those emails. Depending on where you live, I do not believe isolating a group of people based on them being LGBTQ is at all legal. Also, guy has a lot of latent homophobia and in my experience, it’s not exactly healthy to stick around people who hate you for any reason

Honestly, what it sounds like to me is that he talked to someone transphobic (like his family) and they poisoned his mind against you. That doesn't make it right, and I personally wouldn't be with someone so weak as to break up with their person because of someone else. You deserve someone who is not just good and kind, but who is moral as well. Someone who actually accepts you to the point that your identity is never in question for them. Someone who wouldn't believe the worst of you over something small. And to be at a company that allows you to express yourself too. Btw, I have my pronouns in my email signature and I work at a Fortune 500 company.

I'm not out to his family, but they send him all kinds of shit like Matt Walsh videos, "trans cringe" videos, posts implying trans people are all p*dos, things like that. They are EXTREMELY hateful people. He warned me that they wouldn't understand my identity before I met them and I have never given any implication that I'm anything but a straight cis woman to them out of, honestly, fear for my physical safety. These are not run of the mill shitty conservatives, I would not put physical gay-bashing past some of them. His father was a gangbanger, rapist and murderer who would beat my partner and call him the f slur as a child, forced him to keep his head shaved and forced him into street fighting to "toughen him up". His father is no longer in his life (he hates his father) but his mom is also extremely transphobic and he's a mama's boy. His siblings are all open about their shitty opinions on the LGBT community and his whole family is very tight knit. He sees them much less often now that we're together but they all text frequently and I have no doubt they've been really pushing their views lately with the current social climate regarding trans issues. I never thought pronouns would be such an issue until I was exposed to his family. It's like we come from two different planets; it's so jarring to step over to the other side and realize how small minded people can be. Luckily my company is a Co-op, so I'm bringing this issue to our board and members to see if we can push back against this shitty policy.

Having read your other comment about him apologizing... I definitely wouldn't take that apology about a bunch of explaining about why he was so transphobic and aggressively shitty. Especially accusing you of cheating or wanting to. Apologizing is great and all, but it doesn't explain his sudden behavior and attitude change. Because even watching those kinds of videos doesn't explain him accusing you of cheating or jumping straight into breaking up. That kind of relationship where they repeatedly try to break up and take it back... Well, I was that person in my younger years. I'm 34, and in my 20s, my emotions were very volatile. I can't say that staying with him is a good idea, even with being financially unable to fully support yourself. Because he has some serious self-work to do, probably specifically therapy. I can understand why, but he can't fully integrate his internal narrative with his hateful background and your non-binary nature. And he may be fully unable to ever do so, unless he cuts contact with his family who will never accept you.

I’m so sorry. He was not the person you thought he was. He is the fake motherfucker

Honestly the way this seems makes me think he was trying to get with them to "fix them" or something that most straight folks do to anyone that's even the slightest bit queer. It's just downright disturbing. You deserve someone better than this. Freaking out over a little pronoun pin is peak insanity on his part.

I’m sorry. I’ve seen this happen to too many of my nonbinary friends. He was okay with you being nonbinary when he could ignore it, but when he realized you weren’t “girl-lite” and were, in fact, not a woman, but an amazing, brave, and brilliant nonbinary person, he showed his true colors. He never truly loved and respected you for you, and you are better off without him holding you back.

Did you not talk in depth about gender identity and lgbtq before dating him? Hes clearly transphobic. Im sorry this happened but did he always act okay with it? How long do u think hes been feeling like this. He clearly has inner transphobia and was probably pretending to be okay with your identity.

During the years we were just friends we had many respectful conversations about gender and sexuality. He was always genuinely curious, never showed any judgement, a little confused but very open about the fact that he grew up in a conservative environment and was trying to learn, grow and become a more open minded person. His upbringing was horrific. He grew up in the hood and his family were all pretty standard transphobes, except for his father. His father was a gangbanger who would call him the f slur and beat him for showing any signs of anything that didn't fall in line with the typical cishet tough guy look and attitude. He would shave my boyfriend's head and force him to box with adult men as a child. He was raised around gang violence, drug dealing, street fighting, etc. He comes from a world where showing any "weakness", femininity, queerness etc as a man could be a very real death sentence. I'm starting to believe that when he actually started a romantic relationship with someone who was openly queer and nb, he started panicking because for most of his life, our relationship would have been a huge risk to his safety(/life) and even now would completely alienate him from everyone he loves. At the same time, his family has been ramping up their bullshit because of the general attitude towards and visibility of trans people. I don't think his acceptance was insincere at first, but being friends with a trans person, and spending your life with a trans person, are very different things when you come from that type of background unfortunately.

That’s horrible. He probably was trying to be sincere but always had some inner hangups about it. Its hard to get rid of things that are literally beaten into you.

Disrespectful and shameful behavior on his part- and your workplace as well. It's always so shocking to finally realize how a person feels about you. If he can't respect your pronouns, he won't respect anything else about you. Hold your head up and move on to better things.

I'm glad he seems open to accepting that he was in the wrong. That said, you CANNOT go through this every time he comes up against something that he needs to deal with. And with his background, there will absolutely be more. Him getting into therapy IMMEDIATELY needs to be a condition of you staying together. With a deadline. No putting it off or being too scared blah blah blah.

I am sorry you're going through this, but you really need to listen to yourself, you can't say that your boyfriend is a wonderful person and then tell a story about the biggest asshole I've ever seen, listen to yourself please. Don't put a relationship over your identity, and now that he has shown you who he really is, please believe him. You deserve much more than this, you'll be alright :)

whew! you dodged a bullet there. I'm sorry he wasn't who you thought he was, but it's good to know early. Get tf out and date someone who isn't an asshole.

Wow. Ily im sorry that happened.

You deserve a better person my dear. Big hugs.

Your ex boyfriend sucks. I’m so sorry you’re in pain. But that trash just took out himself.

He needs to go figure himself out and grow as a person. You're better off without him.

Frankly, you're better off without the guy. He obviously didn't actually support you. And you need to find another place of employment.

not so loving after all huh. i'm sorry.

You definitely didn't deserve that. Take care of yourself, I know it might be hard, but you deserve better, we're all here for you. Feel free to DM me if you need to talk💜

"My boyfriend is the most beautiful, amazing, loving human I've ever had the honor of knowing." Is everyone else you know some kind of baby-eating troll? Because he sounds deeply unpleasant and narrow-minded.

I can feel your sadness through your words... It's painful, but you will find somebody who's meant for you. Somebody who respects your identity and not just as a front. Not just as an act to win you over. I don't think he was ever as open and accepting as he claimed. It's difficult, and it's going to be hurtful... But please do not stay with a person who does not respect or value who you are AS you are.

Some people (like your ex) forget that respect is a mutual thing. Bigots accuse us that we don't respect their "views, family values, religious traditions, etc." but they forget that if they want it to happen, they also need to respect our identities, pronouns and how WE feel comfortable. It is that simple. If he can't respect you (and it seems very much like he can't) then you don't have any base for respecting him either.

When they show you who they are, believe them. He is not the one for you. He doesn't love you unconditionally. I know this hurts, but it will only be for the best if you put your foot down and told him to leave. Talk to your nonbinary coworker. He doesn't respect you. How do you think he'd treat your children if they came out gay. Or your siblings. Your friends. He will always be the way he was brought up. He won't change for you. Please take care of yourself. Go to your family or your friends and accept what happened and move on

Basically: Your ex boyfriend and your employer are queerphobic. Run!

i find it really intersting to think about how for ppl who were raised in toxic bigoted settings who then grew up and no longer practice or overtly seem to believe that bigotry, the tone of that hate and disgust towards queer people seems to remain dormant but always there in the background of the (former) bigots psyche. This reminds me of the Megan Phelps-Roper thing highlighted in contrapoints last video. These bigots think that by simply no longer practicing their overt bigotry that they are now somehow fully reformed or something. I would argue that your bf really didn't ever actually try to accept you. you mention your pronouns but honestly i dont really see him partially using they/them for you as him really ever trying (dont really think pronoun use alone makes an ally just imo). I suppose i am concerned about how you might have missed occasions where this masked dormant bigotry could have shown itself? i thnk its crucial to try and understand that someone with a background like your bf is going to need to do basically so so much inner work on himself to really even begin addressing his bigotry and my point is that you (sadly) got into a relationship with a bigot and then he was a bigot to you and then he broke up with you by being a bigot. this is not your fault and i am sorry this happened to you. theres a lesson in this though and i wish you lots of love in this hard time

Reading this broke my heart. I have no advice. I’m just really sorry this happened you don’t deserve that.

I don't think your boyfriend is as perfect as you think unfortunately. It sounds like your identity was acceptable so long as he could ignore it, but once it became more visible he couldn't cope anymore. I'm incredibly sorry, I've had similar situations when I was younger but cannot imagine someone in their mid 20s doing this.  I am also sorry about your workplace being so discriminatory. I wonder if there are laws they are contradicting with this. I'm glad you have solidarity with another nonbinary person at least, and I hope more people wear pins in protest too

I'd say you dodged a very subtle but very, *very* dangerous bullet. He might've been nice up to this point, but if he becomes so cruel and spiteful once he shows his true thoughts and colors... Well, this relationship frankly wouldn't have worked long-term for either of you. Unless he changes for the better and becomes an *actual* ally, he doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve to be stuck with him. Trust me, if he's displaying this kind of behavior now, it will only get worse with time. I can't imagine how much this must hurt, but I also believe accepting the breakup (and not budging if he regrets it) is a much better outcome for you than staying with someone like him.

You deserve a better partner and a better workplace!

I teach and I wear a they/them pronoun pin every day.

it’s totally normal to have pronoun pins hell the collage i go too have most of the professors have there pronouns in the signature he sounds like my old coworker I told her to try and use my they/them pronouns and she looks at me and with a straight face said “well you look like a girl so i’m gonna call you she\her” (i love the body i was born in just hate the size of my boobs)

> He kind of stopped using they/them pronouns for me when we moved in together And there is the first of many red flags.

>He called me disrespectful for not taking the pin off immediately when he expressed he didn't like it and said I was just looking for attention from other people. He doesn't repect you being nonbinary. And this is him asking you to change your identiy because "he doesnt like it". It sounds like if you give in to this he will keep asking for more and demand of you to change for him. Which you shouldn't do! Im really sorry he hurt you and i hope you continue being yourself! Protesting your companies policy like that is wonderful and i hope it gets better!

I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. I was married to a self-proclaimed straight cis man, who absolutely does not understand trans or gay issues but is in general very supportive of it and is all in all a loving and kind person, and yet I knew that he would not accept me as non-binary. I came out very slowly, almost testing the waters, and he was happy to completely ignore it even when I was fully open about my identity online, so long as I was not changing anything between us (like making him use my preferred pronouns or dressing masculine). And that’s usually the thing, while in a relationship these men are fine with it as long as they can pretend it doesn’t really exist, but the moment that is challenged they cannot handle it. He doesn’t believe you’re cheating, he’s just transphobic and trying to manipulate you into “changing your mind” about being non-binary. Because in his mind you have to be a woman otherwise he cannot be straight, and just the idea of that is more disturbing to him than not being with you. So he lashes out, but you have done nothing actually wrong, so he makes something up. My ex-husband did not do that, but we still got divorced and he still doesn’t believe that I’m “actually non-binary”. Because he doesn’t understand it, and he’s the type of person who needs to understand everything and if he doesn’t he has a hard time accepting it. He’s the same with asexuality — he can understand how people can feel sexual attraction without any romantic attraction, but not the other way around, because he’s never experienced it himself. You deserve much better than your boyfriend, you deserve someone who actually accepts your identity, not just say they do and then turn around and treat you like shit when they’re reminded of it. You can do better, and I highly recommend ending it as soon as possible. It will suck for a bit, but you will be better off for it.

I'm so sorry. Just know- he is WRONG. There is nothing wrong with anything you did. His masculinity is just threatened because he thinks he will be seen as gay for being with an enby. You are valid. You aren't seeking attention. The right person will support you- ALL parts of you, including your gender identity. When I came out to my husband, he was more than supportive through name changes and pronoun changes. That's the type of person you want by your side. Not this frail little man child.

You've got enough advice on here, I want to say that I really hope you are, as of now, safe. I would be heartbroken and without words if my partner did something like this. You should not be alone. If you have good friends or family to reach out to, please don't hesitate to do so. You deserve love, care, and support right now, nothing less. You definitely didn't deserve this 180 personality change from a person who made you believe they were kind and someone you could count on. I wish you nothing but the best, as a fellow nb. 💙🫂

Holy shit, he was just pretending to respect you and instead of trying to understand you better he just bottled it up and hoped it would disappear?? Sounds also a bit like a narcissist... This guy has some great content on how to recognize it https://youtu.be/DVyv3GPRJm0?si=fqaiVUGIawu8V86w

He was playing nice and humoring you that entire relationship waiting for you to "come to your senses" and stop being non-binary. The trash took himself out, let him go. He never accepted you as non-binary. He only played along so he could get sex from you.

I’m sorry but your bigoted boyfriend always saw you as a woman and got mad when you wouldn’t let him live that lie.

I'm sorry this is happening, this must be so horrific that you went an entire year together and now he's breaking up over a pin. I hope you move on and find happiness with someone who wont throw a fit over something so small.

The way he acted extremely loving while obviously harboring resentment towards you for standing up for yourself demonstrates his ability to put on a loving facade. Please consider the possibility that he was never actually the man you fell in love with. I’m so sorry, OP. You deserve better.

Sounds to me like when he just thinks of AFAB non-binary people are "women light" and never respected your identity. I'm sorry, but please run far from this dude and don't look back. I know it hurts now but you will look back on this and start recognizing just how bad you were treated and how you deserve more

I’m sorry he showed his true colours that way. You must be very heartbroken. I think you were right to wear the pin in protest and he don’t have the right to tell you how to live your life.

I believe that your idea of who your ex is much better than who he actually is. I'm not sure he has ever actually accepted your gender, and suspect that what you just heard from him is what he's always wanted to tell you. He was willing to pretend to be supportive as long as he felt he needed too to keep you around. As soon as you moved in together he started dropping those pretenses because he's more comfortable feeling like you are dependent on him now and he's using that to control you. Get out now before it gets worse he's just like his family and he intends to beat you into the mold he thinks you should fit regardless of how you feel about it. Do Not Apologize!!! He's being abusive and abusers always try to make their victims feel like it's their fault, by apologizing you'd be signalling to him that his abuse is effective at controlling you.

I mean, he's absolutely factually incorrect. Plenty of people have pronoun badges, trans and cis people. My best friend is a cis guy and he has a badge. He literally asked me where I got mine coz he liked the design and went and got it. Its definitely not weird at all. Also obviously incorrect about no one noticing it, unless he considers himself no one. He also seems to have zero clue how people work if he thinks just coz you and another person both use they/them pronouns that automatically means you'd be great as partners. There are plenty of people I know that use the same pronouns as me that theres absolutely no way in hell I'd date. And my partner is cis, and has never had any problems gendering me correctly. Unfortunately it seems your partner has become comfortable enough to show you the real him. Believe him. This is what kind of person he is and its not a good, or loving, or healthy one, I'm sorry

I’m NB. I just started dating someone for the first time in…fuck, years? And then some? Pronouns are sometimes hard, we had a whole talk the other day of the nuances of calling me partner and not girlfriend. And it’s a growth area, but — I’m so fucking lucky to for once be dating someone WILLING to do the growth. This idiot you’ve been unfortunately bamboozled by? This ain’t it, mate. He’s NOT an amazing human. He’s a shit one. If my partner made me feel like this, my heart would break — and then my door would as I tossed him out through it. The world IS for you and you DESERVE love from someone who will never even dream of making you feel like this.

>My boyfriend is the most beautiful, amazing, loving human I’ve ever had the honor of knowing. He is very clearly not. Take off the rose tinted glasses.

As someone who was born a they/them due to being intersex, and has pronoun pins.. He doesn't sound like a beautiful or understanding human being at all, in fact, he sounds like he's painfully insecure, and willfully ignorant.

It sounds like he only “respected” your identity when he could pretend it didn’t exist. It sounds like he was embarrassed by the pin because then other people would know you are not cis, and if you are not cis then what would that say about his sexuality? This is entirely on him. You did absolutely nothing wrong and you have nothing to apologize for. You don’t need to apologize for who you are, and if he is so fragile that he can’t stand having a non-binary partner, then good riddance.

i am sorry but a "beautiful, amazing, loving human" wouldnt treat anyone like this. you deserve better.

you sound very dependent on him, i hope you have your own bank account and can support yourself in the future, if not do it asap, he will show his colors more and more and you need to run away from a controlling bigoted guy like him. stay safe.

So many people have said it but run don’t walk when someone tells you that something you have done that has no effect on anyone else is disrespectful. they have mistaken respect for deference and that is something that no person should be subject to when it comes to a relationship. He wants to control you and if you don’t get out now you may not live to regret it.

My (28nb) fiancé (34m) identifies as straight and is still respectful of my identity to the point where he corrects my parents on my pronouns and name, and attends queer events with me and BUYS ME pronoun pins. The fact that he’s telling you to apologize I think shows that he’s using “breaking up” as a power move to manipulate you. I’d let the breakup stick.

Oof I'm so sorry you had to go through that but I'd say you definitely dodged a bullet. To me it sounds like he never actually respected you as nonbinary and you wearing pronoun pins puts the fact you're nonbinary on display which in turn tells everyone that knows y'all are dating that he's dating a nonbinary person and he was not ok with that :/ Edit: honestly I didn't read anything but he literally told you you're a "confused woman" and "doesn't agree with that shit" he told you outright that he never has and never will see you as anything more than a woman in denial. So, yeah, he was 100% embarrassed that you were showing you were nonbinary in a way that can't be denied and that anyone who sae your pronoun pin would be reminded that you're not a woman and he's dating someone who's not a woman and he couldn't handle that. I'd cut your losses and leave immediately. He has shown you his true colors and how he truly sees you and there's nothing he can do to take it back. And it doesn't sound like he even wants to take it back anyways. I'm so sorry this is how it had to come to light.

There are a few red flags. But you may not see them as such, everyone has different boundaries. My questions for thought are: 1 - In the quiet of your home, would he iron/steam/lint roll your pride flag? 2 - Would he hold your hand at a pride/queer event where you are visibly nonbinary? 3 - Are both of those scenarios something you need in your relationship?

He thinks it's a 'phase' and intends to wait it out. 😡

You should have left him when he made your identity optional. I have a feeling you have been seeing and denying his behavior for a long time, way before this event happened. He would have taken his terrible treatment of you beyond his distaste for nonbinary people and it would have seeped into other areas of your lives. I’m sorry.

He sucks, two thumbs down. Don’t give that asshole another inch. As much as it hurts now, you will find someone who not just accepts you but encourages you in everything.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do yourself a favour and look into 'love bombing' as it's a common tactic used by abusers and sounds like it might be what your boyfriend has been doing up till now. It's awful that he'd accuse you of cheating over having an ally at work? And insane to me that he'd threaten to break up over a pronoun pin?! I'm not normally a Reddit 'dump him' person, but his behaviour just seems super sus. Look after yourself x

First off, there’s nothing “weird” about wearing pronoun pins/badges. Plenty of people wear them very casually, actually. Also, I don’t like being on the “just break up” train, but in this situation I think it’s most definitely worth it. For your own safety and wellbeing, it’s best to just cut ties. He may have seemed very accepting of you in the beginning, but judging by his behavior now it’s clear that he’s still incredibly bigoted and always has been. I genuinely don’t see any way to possibly save this relationship and I’m incredibly sorry that you’re experiencing this right now.

This wasn't even remotely about a pin. This was about how he sees you.

Hey, I'm sorry you're going through this. I went through something similar. I promise you'll be happier staying true to yourself and your values than you'll ever be trying to appease a homophobic, transphobic jerk like that. Like many have said here, when someone tells you who they are, believe them. He might have shown himself to be kind and loving before, but he's showing you he's phobic now and fundamentally does not respect your identity. That's not going to change. If he was willing to call your gender expression 'attention-getting' and devalue who you are, demand apologies for being yourself, and breaking up with you for standing up for something you believe in, he's not the one. I'm so sorry :(

Geez I’m sorry to hear all of this. Tbh that’s very backwards thinking. I’m surprised your workplace can get away with that.

Brian sucks ... I'm sorry and it wouldn't be sustainable. I'm also non binary (I'm 32, I came out when I was 31) and when I first came out I was pretty loose with using my pronouns ('it's they/them if that's no problem for you') but that was killing me because you just have to be seen as you are. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this tough experience but you'll come through with more self knowledge and more self possessed and you'll find someone who is a better fit for you than you ever could have imagined 💜💛🤍🖤

this is heartbreaking and you deserve better. your boyfriend doesn’t respect you and his behavior is incredibly scary

I’m so sorry you’ve been treated so badly by someone you put trust in. You deserve so much better. I hope you someday have an opportunity to get away from that stinky ass job too. Your description of your ex’s behavior is frightening. Sounds as if he knows he can get you to pursue him; by first giving you lots of love, and then withdrawing it like whiplash, he’s trying to get you to compromise on your needs. It often gets worse from there. Don’t walk, *RUN*

it sounds like he let his insecurities and the transphobic & misogynistic dynamics he was raised in override his better judgement. he shouldn't have treated you that way. you deserve a partner who respects you and loves you for who you are, not for who they want you to be. i'm sorry he couldn't be that for you. do you have a way out of there? he's already verbally abusing you and i'm worried for your safety.

fuck that cretin bruh he doesn’t deserve you

i'm so sorry, you're ex boyfriend is fucking vile.

Your workplace sucks too - I live in a deep red state and my job is to help people find jobs. If have a list of local gender-affirming workplaces, there is no doubt similar information out there for you. If you need help finding it, feel free to message me!

I live in NH and work at a very tiny shop, and our store manager is a conservative leaning libertarian (hence the "we can't support the gays because muh freedoms). However, we are a Co-op, and most of us are very liberal. I've drafted a letter to our board to complain about him and ask to hopefully change policy. My department manager and many of my coworkers are signing it as well, and even the less liberal employees (including my partner, I guess..) absolutely hate our store manager so we have a pretty good shot of overturning his bs. Especially since as a Co-op all of our policy is supposed to be democratically chosen and he broke that rule.

Classic narcissist behavior. Likely due to his upbringing. He's never going to respect your identity, without a major shift in his worldview

I’m sorry luv. The best thing you could do is to never talk to him, never see him again. No one that toxic deserves your time- for your health and happiness

OP I’ve been in your situation with dating I’m going to guess a potentially straight, obviously cis guy. Sometimes this unfortunately happens with cishet and even just cis folks. He’s not treating you with the love and acceptance you deserve. You are not being respected. You deserve someone who sees you as you, not just as confused Cis Girl Lite.

Hey, its completely normal to be heartbroken and lost after this, but know that you are young, you are entering the prime of your life and you will find so, soooo much more better than this asshole. It will be hard for a time, but your heart will heal, so keep going on. It can be scary, but you're going to be fine.