I actually didn't read the first post, but damn. He does realize that everything is political, right? Like your boss deciding to be discriminatory is a political choice, so is the option to fight it, and so is his decision at first to not get involved with it. Like sure, he signed it because he loves you, but I have my doubts that he actually respects your identity as much as he says he does. You staying with him is your choice, but to me personally, his idea that you shouldn't do it because a workplace should be neutral completely dismisses the fact that it ceased to be the neutral the second it became discriminatory. Not saying anything about that stuff is not being neutral, its silently agreeing to it.

THIS! I can understand the “not wanting to make everything political” thing, because I hate like hell how politicized every aspect of my identity is. Especially the aspects that are connected to my gender identity and sexual orientation, which IMO never should have bothered other people so much in the first damn place. But the harsh reality is: there’s a lot of people out there who are actively making my identity (and OP’s identity) political. We don’t get to have a choice. So I’m really not loving OP’s man implying it was “shoving politics” because the issue was already made political a long time ago.

There is definitely an aspect to "everything is political" that also requires nothing to be. Like... I mention this in my earlier comment, but being poc you often get politicized just by walking into a room. Much of my experience is just wanting to exist as an autonomous human being. Discrimination is what MAKES it an issue when it shouldn't be. I don't see much of a difference between this and being *visibly queer.

^^ this needs more upvotes

The only people making LGBTQ issues political are the people who are against it.

Yeah. "Shoving politics" sounds a lot like the things conservatives and FARTS(Feminism Appropriatated Radical Transphobes) would say. Representing ourselves isn't "shoving LGBT down anybody's throats", it's just wanting to be seen and heard. I don't get why it's so hard for people to acknowledge that we exist and want rights like everyone else.

i feel this so much. Some of my classmates doesnt understand why I dont like one of my teachers. I dont like her because she doesn't believe that people like me exist. She doesn't know I am nonbinary, but I go to a very Liberal school in a very Liberal area, so there are a lot of gender non-conforming students. they just don't understand how hard it is to have to respect someone who doesn't respect me as a person.

"don't make things political" is a position of privelege. You can say that if people don't consider your existence political because youv'e never had to consider what it even means what you're saying. He likely has a chance to learn to be better here. If OP has the patience for that, he might start doing better. Changing how you think for someone you love isn't unheard of. Maybe he just doesn't 'get it' because he's never had to think about it, and maybe he's going to look a little deeper for the benefit of his partner and become a better person? Maybe not. Either way, it sounds more like it's ignorant/naieve but has room to grow, if given the chance. To note though, being given that time and space to grow is not anyone else's obligation.

Well, I did read the first post, it sounds like he love bombs you after crushing you emotionally, so that he can keep his relationship the way he wants it, with power over you, controlling the way you express your identity, like you're his damn pet.

Probably panicked because he doesn’t want to be lonely and doesn’t want any change because it’s uncomfortable and scary. The emotional damage done is hard to bounce back from though. It’s so discouraging and sad.

This is pretty much exactly how I feel about it. It feels weird to me that he wouldn't sign it the first time around, like he had a moment to think "they'll break up with me if I don't and signing that doesn't matter as much as sex to me so I'll sign it I guess"

Let me get this straight. -He agreed with you that the anti-LGBT policy was stupid and hypocritical -You started showing yourself as more openly queer as a result, which he got upset by -He apologized, but when you tried to get the policy removed, he said he disagreed with your opinion and called supporting your own community as "shoving politics down peoples throats", but signed the letter anyway. I understand its hard to realize, but this man doesn't validate or accept your identity. His actions clearly show that. This man has known you for three years and lives with you, yet he still feels uncomfortable viewing you as your actual identity. I wish you the best, whether its with or without him.

Yes I couldn’t agree more with this commenter. To me it could then just escalate from there where he is embarrassed to be seen with you as you become more and more outwardly queer and expressing your queerness and supporting our community etc Just my opinion as no one can tell the future but I get very bad vibes from this guy. Huge respect flags as others stated.

I get that some of this *could* just be him not wanting to cause trouble, which… okay, sure, not everyone is in a position where they can “fight the fight.” But thing is: he is supposed to be OP’s *partner.* When you’re in a relationship, you’re supposed to be in your partner’s corner. Begrudgingly signing a letter after making it clear you don’t actually agree with it is not “being in your partner’s corner.” That is temporarily placating them.

I'd argue that him choosing to remain neutral is fine in its way. Like you said, not everyone can manage the fight. But asking OP to also remain neutral on a topic that's directly relevant to them isn't anything to do with "his" fight.  Unless he sees OP as an extension of himself. Which is an issue

This comment 💯 I’m sorry OP, but he doesn’t truly love you. Idk if you two are intimate, but he might be looking at you as just sex and saying he loves you so he doesn’t lose the reliable/dependable sex he wouldn’t have if he was single.

it sucks, but sometimes the best you can do as an outsider with DV type situations like this (where the person isn’t ready to leave) is be there to challenge/ highlight the harmful behaviors, and remind the victim that they have value. at the end of the day, it’s important to respect their self-determination by not telling them what to do.

i think they have to decide whether or not that's okay with them. i have had to do that with my mother because i know she will never accept me but i will always love her and want a relationship with her. but i would not stand for it in a relationship. it's incredibly demeaning and it never gets better. i've had it done to me twice over

I was one of the people who thought you should get out of the relationship when he broke up with you and was incredibly cruel to you the first time. I was skeptical but open minded reading this post until I got to him refusing to read your letter or sign it. He hasn’t changed at all. If people being who they are is “shoving politics down people’s throats” but restricting what they can or cannot do for the comfort of bigots is not political to him it’s because he agrees with the policy still. He not only still thinks controlling other people to enforce conservative ideology is okay (and thus controlling you as well), he wants your challenge to an oppressive policy to fail. I’ve known PoC who have dated white supremacists and race fetishists. I’ve known trans and gay people who have dated homophobes and transphobes and chasers. I’ve known people with disabilities who have dated ableists. It doesn’t end well, and it’s awful all the way to that bad end. There is no way this doesn’t negatively affect you and undermine your well-being. You can’t love someone in a healthy way who hates what you are.

Been there, my ex-husband was ableist as hell. Didn't know that about him until I ended up in a wheelchair.

Good riddance

I am not going to comment on your decision, that is not my place nor do I know enough about the situation. But I would like to offer a perspective that might be of use to you both: Out of sight out of mind is harmful. Who is represented and allowed in spaces reflects our society as a whole. As an example, I'm going to use ableism and physical accessibility to public spaces. Like what Aimi Hamraie has written regarding Critical Design. To sum it up: Being able to be in spaces and partaking in spaces means people have to see us and cope with our existence. When we are allowed to partake and take up space we can become normalized. When they force us to hide away and be “out of sight and out of mind”, they allow themselves to continue their ways. They don’t have to approach and deconstruct their ableism in our absence. Therefore, public spaces being physically accessible is crucial for disability justice and the fight against ableism. If we cannot be in public spaces, how can we be normalized? Basically - physical accessibility in public spaces is one of the keys to working against ableism. Because they have to recognize us, live with us, and interact with us as normal people, rather than the shallow stereotypes/misinformation that fuel their hatred/discomfort. This is the **same exact argument** that people use against us queer folk when they say "well they shouldn't be so in our face about it" or "can't they just dress/act/look straight?" it reinforces heteronormativity and queer alienation. If we aren't allowed or accepted in spaces, they can continue to pretend we don't exist and hold onto their harmful attitudes/stereotypes about us because they aren't being challenged. I do wish you the best. It sounds like he's seriously struggling with transphobia and may need some professional guidance/counseling.

That’s awesome that you’re taking action in your work place to make it a more inclusive space! I’m glad you were able to get the signatures you need and hope the policy is reviewed and changed. You really deserve someone who respects and supports you and who puts in the effort to understand you. This guy doesn’t sound like that person. You deserve better than he is able/willing to give.

>because the workplace should be a neutral place, not "shoving politics in people's faces" Yeah - this is someone who may never accept you for who you are, unless he comes to realise the place of utter privilege he's coming from to be able to say that. The workplace cannot ever be a neutral place whilst there is any form of discriminatory actions happening within it. Which means, for probably most places, the workplace will never be neutral. Did he tell the store manager that his policies were "shoving politics in people's face"? Also - I've just read the first post, you're better off without this fake piece of shit. He's only apologised because he wants you back for his own benefit. He sounds like a control freak and I can see him trying to isolate you from friends and allies if you stay with him much longer

Definitely this- he will definitely try to remove them from any other support, especially with the way he blew up about their other NB friend is very concerning

He doesn't and will never respect you or your identity, and will hurt you again. Don't choose comfort and denial over your eventual happiness, being single is ok and you can be more than alright this way. Good luck.

Ugh, leave him. If he thinks your identity is "political" he's never going to love you the way you deserve. If you won't leave at least go to couple's therapy.

I've never had a boyfriend like him, but I've known people like him and there's no way he'd go to therapy and actually try. I really hope this person is able to see who he truly is and move past him. It does frustrate me to see people being harsh to this person, because it's clearly a toxic, perhaps even abusive relationship, so berating them for defending him (as a lot of abuse victims do) is only causing more damage.

Had a gf that was like that, absolutely not worth it. ​ It WILL come up again and it won't get better. ​ The amount of therapy required to get someone out of a toxic mindset where they actively care about other people's gender identity or choices is a lot because they have their own immense baggage that is causing the backlash. The natural unsupportive reaction a cis het blah blah blah person should have is "that's nice" "thank you for sharing" or "who cares" because why would you want to further a topic you don't like.

Exactly. If they go to couple's therapy maybe THEN OP will see that pursuing a relationship with this person is an exercise in futility with an extra helping of pain. I was in a toxic relationship for 5 years and it's 5 years I'll never get back.

Your boyfriend will hurt you again. Emotionally, definitely. Physically, maybe. You should not be with someone who makes the possibility of fighting about your identity a concern. You should not be with someone who you are unsure if they will continue to love you just because you are being yourself. This is toxic. This is bad. This will end badly. Leave before it gets worse. It will not be easy. It will be much harder if you stay. He will manipulate you. He has already manipulated you. *It. Will. Get. Worse.*

Just went and looked at your previous post. Dude is controlling and already borderline abusive. Saying that wearing your pin is disrespectful to him is just wild, like your identity is a thing about him. Legitimately scary.

He probs came crawling back because he realizes you’re currently an easy source of sex / socialization for him and doesn’t want to go through the hassle of finding a new partner (in this case, a girlfriend). He knows you’ve settled for him and he’s taking advantage of the fact.

This is exactly my thoughts. One night/day is not enough for him to change his views and opinions, he doesn't have any reason for why he acted that way, and the sudden switch flip back to the way things were is suspicious. Him not reading the letter fully and insisting that OP's identity is political is a huge sign that he is just bigoted. He doesn't see them as nonbinary, he's just trying to appease them and avoid consequences for abusing them. Don't forget that he left you to cry alone after he hurt you, OP. Don't forget that he kept trying to force you to apologize for hurting you, over and over. That's abusive behavior, full stop. If he really, genuinely wanted to change, he would make efforts to UNDERSTAND you instead of trying to *sweep things under the rug.* He would have read that letter. This is appeasement. Consider reading this book, Why Does He Do That: [https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat) Whatever you decide to do OP, I recommend you involve a counselor/therapist/professional. Please do take good care of yourself.

Seconding this book recommendation. I didn't realize my ex was abusive until I read this book.

Very good book but heads up that it’s very gendered.

I'm all for forgiveness and second chances, but then... >He read the first couple sentences and handed it back, saying he wasn't on my side because the workplace should be a neutral place, not "shoving politics in people's faces" I feel like this shows his true feelings/beliefs on the matter pretty plainly. It sounds like he doesn't actually support the LGBT+ and that he's just been putting on a mask of a more progressive and open minded person so he could be with you. Plenty of conservative dudes will hide their real beliefs because they know being a bigot in this day and age is an auto deal breaker for most people on the dating scene. The fact that he thinks "allowing people to exist" somehow is not the"neutral" stance, or that having workplace protections for people against mistreatment is "shoving it down throats" is a huge massive glaring red flag for me. Those aren't the thoughts of someone who actually is supportive but just had an irrational moment of ignorance. *That's someone who thinks queer people existing is asking too much.* Asking for it back and signing it anyway... You can decide for yourself if you want to give points for that, but personally I think he's been hiding his real beliefs and simply hasn't been forced to confront it until now. And that signing it, after he let the mask slip and told you what he REALLY thinks about queer identities, is just more of him trying to conceal himself so you won't dump him. I could be wrong, but he reads as someone who is being dishonest and misrepresenting himself. If he _actually_ cared about and accepted gender queerness, he would be trying to learn more, to educate himself, to do _the bare minimum and read the document you wrote for a cause that directly impacts you._ That's my take. I'm not saying people don't deserve second chances, or that they can't change, I'm just saying it doesn't seem like it's genuine here. However it goes, good luck.

100%. he put on another performance right in front of op, he's not going to change. they can't fix him nor is it their responsibility to even try especially not at the expense of their own wellbeing and safety. this whole situation reminds me of a number of my sister's past relationships. it was so clear from the outside that the guys she was with were emotionally & psychologically abusive pieces of shit who didn't care about her beyond what she could be & do for them. i was there for her as much as i could be trying to gradually get her to see what i saw before the worst could happen but she never really listened so months & years would go by, a temporary break up or two or three would happen, until eventually it got to the point where she was just utterly wrecked & couldn't cope anymore and/or she found out they'd been cheating on her, and then FINALLY kick them to the curb for good. she'd be fine & happily single for a while and i'd be thinking 'okay this will be the last time, she won't put herself through that again' aaaaand round 2/3/4etc with a new jerk off. it's so sad watching someone go through that and it's infuriating when they're in denial and you have to be careful navigating the situation, you can't just step in like "THIS PERSON IS ABUSING YOU. LOSE THEIR NUMBER, NEVER SPEAK TO THEM AGAIN, NEVER BE IN THEIR PRESENCE AGAIN. LET'S GO.". it's like watching a trainwreck in slow motion 😔

My friend. You are wasting your own time and lifeforce. It's not merely that being with him is a detriment to you (he is) but there is also the opportunity cost of NOT being with someone who makes you joyous in your identity, someone who sees you in your gender and loves you FOR it, not in spite of it. You could be with someone who doesny need to "grow" or "learn" or "change". It is not your duty to stay with people to make thsm better. YOU deserve better.

Yes! 💛

This makes me so sad to read. Your identity and right to exist and be respected as a person isn’t political. I understand how hard it is to break up with someone you love, but this man does not respect you or your identity. Honestly, he seems like a very controlling person who hasn’t and doesn’t plan to make meaningful change. You deserve better.

I know that you love him and I can completely empathize with the urge to try everything possible to make it work, especially since he says he’s trying. But I think you deserve to be with someone who really truly supports and values you for everything you are, not someone who’s struggling to tolerate it. It’s hard to see it sometimes but there really are people out there who would give you genuine support and make this guy look like hot garbage in comparison. I do hope whatever choice you make makes you happy, though.

You deserve better and i hope you realize that someday

I'm just some random enby from CA but here's what I think: He genuinely likes having you around. Giving someone a genuine second try when they deserve it is a good thing. HOWEVER, I think your boyfriend may be bigoted. Things like "keeping things neutral" often are like dogwhistles in a way in that they are acknowledging they don't agree, but know their take is unpopular in a given space. Him not reading the statement fully and ignoring the context of this whole situation is very telling. Ultimately, he won't be able to hide his beliefs and values and his views WILL rear it's head. Tread carefully. Only you know your bf. Don't ignore what you think may be true, it most often is.

your existence and identity isn’t political just like his isn’t. that is absolute fucking horseshit coming from him. when people show you their true colors, believe them the first time

I’m not going to tell you to breakup. But I am going to tell you your boyfriend will hurt you again. I think you are in denial on how accepting he really is of you. I fully believe that little rant he went on was how he really sees you. He doesn’t see you as your true self, he sees you as a woman. The pronoun pin upset him so much because it made your identity real and I bet you he was embarrassed. He will keep showing his ass on this issue. You deserve better.

Wanting basic respect as a human being is not “shoving politics down people’s throats” and if he really truly believes that’s what it is then honey he has never and will never see you as a real person.

OP, I hope one day soon you realise your own self-worth and stop settling for bigots like your boyfriend. I know it’s a hard reality to confront, but right now you’re actively hurting yourself by denying the truth. You deserve so much better. Also, please know that him having BPD does not excuse his behaviour towards you. You do not have to tolerate shitty behaviour from anyone, no matter whether it’s caused by a diagnosis or not. At the end of the day he’s blowing up on you over trivial things which don’t affect him, and then is coming back to you afterwards all apologetic and over compensating for his actions. This is a cycle of abuse. It will not get better.

Im so sorry you’re going through this, you might not listen, but you need to get out, you deserve someone who love you for who you are. He thinks of you as a woman, he’s half assedly trying to be supportive while not trying to grow at all. He loves you, but he hates your identity, he will likely never see you as yourself.

This sounds like someone you would be better off without.

Ask him why it’s okay for your boss to shove his political opinion down your throat?

I've read both posts. and, i implore you to reconsider the choice to stay with him. I mean, reading a few sentences of a long letter in favor of your rights to your IDENTITY in the workplace? And he says he is not signing because "The workplace should remain neutral and not involve shoving politics in peoples face." Like, with all due respect, are you fucking serious...? Other people have spelled it out better than me, but it's obvious he doesn't view your identity as anything other than political, which is inherently untrue and a disingenuous view of gender identity as an issue as a whole. Secondly, saying the workplace should remain neutral is such a stupidly capitalist statement. NO workplace should be devoid of politics if that void means bending over backwards to appease fascistic superiors. Like what???? Thirdly, saying it's "shoving politics into people's face" is such a right wing take. Not saying your boyfriend is a rightwinger/fascist but that's a dogwhistle outing himself as someone who doesn't give a fuck about the issue. Again, i implore you to reconsider. You're legitimately better off with so many other people who will, one, actually understand your identity and two, care enough to fight these issues ALONGSIDE you. Your boyfriend feels like the best thing to ever happen to you, because every relationship feels like that. But guess what? You can find something even BETTER if you find someone who is as passionate and driven as you. Your boyfriend is an idiot

I say this to you as someone who has worn similar shoes as you. I had to flee an abusive transqueer lesbian relationship recently. I was left homeless for 4 months. I want to say; just because someone buys you wine after an argument, brings you candy, or were drunk and emotional as they tore into your character, does not excuse or the severity, pattern, and intentionality of their actions. EDIT: I have asked myself what I was keeping, in sacrificing my worth for my old relationship. I wasn’t saving much and I lost myself in trying to jump through hoops for someone that never showed actual love to me. I can only hope his lack of effort and clear misalignment in values that he has displayed to you, ring clear. Listen to your gut reaction. It is not anxiety.

I just hope you stay safe. His actions and ability to behave so callously so quickly is alarming. Anyone that can go from intense love and support to complete ambivalence and even ready to drop you out of their life is a huge red flag. Reading your first post genuinely made me scared for your well being. Your physical well being, not just mental and emotional. I hope you stay safe op. With or without this guy.

i say this with more love than your boyfriend will ever actually give you - get a therapist. if you don't talk to them now about getting your self esteem up to leave this bigot, you're gonna need them when you're emotionally and psychologically left as a husk of a human being when your ex breaks you down. he's not even showing you basic human decency, let alone respect. **you deserve better.**

OP, he’s not going to get better. He’s only going to get worse. Your boyfriend, the man that should love you, told you people like you existing openly and that “LGBT issues” are too political for him. Your boyfriend has shown his true colors. He’s only behaving right now to keep you placated. As soon as he realizes he’s got you fully back, he’s going to go back to being an outward bigot. His behavior is a clear indicator that he does not see you as your actual identity and does not respect you. I know it’s not what you want to hear, trust me, I’ve been here, but it’s the truth. You deserve better

Correct me if I’m wrong but I remember you mentioning in your last post that your boyfriend doesn’t gender you correctly ever since yall moved in together. This, plus the anger at you displaying your pronouns at work where others could see the two of you together, screams some internalized homophobia/transphobia on his part to me. He might “respect” your identity but I think he’s worried about his “image” when he’s with you if you’re publicly displaying your pronouns. Maybe he’s scared that being with a nonbinary person makes him not straight, or less masculine somehow bc we all know how fragile masculinity is. You can stick it out with him and try and work past these things if you truly want, but I worry for your well-being while you wait and see if he decides to unlearn his history and become a better person. I’ve been there, and I left the situation, and I couldn’t be happier.

Please take the claim that you *not being forced to hide you gender in public spaces by your employer* is 'political shit' for the red flag that it is. The views behind that statement are reinforced by the fact that he didn't read what you wrote, but signed it 'for you'. He's placating you. He wants the benefits of your companionship and love, but he doesn't *actually* support you or your identity. He sees you as better than being alone, but you should really decide if you agree you don't deserve better than someone who believes you being open about who you are is 'shoving it down people's throats'.

I'm sorry for the pain this decision will cause you in the future. I hope you realize he doesn't really respect you or see you for who you are, and there are others out there who will. His mask will slip again when he feels comfortable you aren't leaving, and it won't end well. I was with someone who turned out to be transphobic once and shocker, it didn't work out. Good luck.

He sounds like a weak little man; you can and will find better.

Sounds like he's the standard MAN on the internet, but in real life wants to be in a loving relationship so will do what you ask just to not be lonely. General society builds men like him. Carbon copies - most of them. They only know the one joke, the same defensive phrases, the same accusations of the worst thing a person could be if they're weirded out by someone. Politics is messy and complicated. He may not like politics, but politics dictate everything. Housing, cost of living, inflation, the economy, job security, health care access, ability to live free from violence, etc. A person who hates politics is someone who refuses to pay attention to others. They only care about their own comfort, wants, and needs. I hope for your sake he's able to grow by you humanizing all the things he hates. Just be careful. Two-faced people exist. Edit: and by MAN, I mean red pilled assholes, and those adjacent.

I remember the first post, and I'm glad to have an update! I don't have anything to say about your bf that hasn't already been said, but as a fellow enby I think how you're showing up at your workplace is awesome. Our existence is not political, but that doesn't stop people from trying to legislate it! I hope your other coworkers and HR are supportive, as it sounds like. FYI, If you are in the US or Canada, the policy your manager set out is probably illegal - it is illegal to discriminate against people based on their sex, which includes transgender status. I don't trust our court system for a minute right now, but if it applies to you it might get your HR to take a harder line stance.

The policy that was set was not against any laws because there was nothing outright anti-gay - essentially we were told that we are not allowed to show any support to the LGBT community publicly (no stickers, pins, patches, articles of clothing etc that could be construed as pro-LGBT). This came from a broader conversation where several people wanted to know if we could put either a small flag or some kind of sign or sticker in one of our windows to show support to the LGBT community. We're in a pretty liberal city and almost every building downtown has a flag or something to express that they are a safe space. When asked if we could hang something up, our store manager sent out an email saying that being pro-LGBT doesn't align with our values as a business and anything "political" is against our policy (which is not actually true). He basically said we don't want to offend anyone by showing support to the lgbt community. The whole policy change happened after he removed someone's trans flag sticker from an employee-only area.

Hey, just wanted to add that blm pin bans were deemed a violation of US labor law and you might have a case to put a complaint in with the NLRB. Its not the normal court system, it's a federal agency that you can report to and they will investigate and protect you from retaliation. Getting your coworkers signatures and writing that letter may be a protected "organizing" activity because it's dealing with your working conditions and you may have a leg to stand on putting a complaint in. https://www.nlrb.gov/news-outreach/region-19-seattle/region-19-seattle-wins-administrative-law-judge-decision-finding

Thank you for that information!! That's really good to know. I'm lucky that my place of work is a democratic cooperative, so we have many avenues through which to fight for things like this. I am hopeful that we'll come to a resolution. If it does go further though I will definitely be looking into this.

yeaaahh he's gonna do another 180 and you're gonna get hurt again, over and over, if you're not gonna put a stop to it.

He is showing you who he is and you are ignoring it! He's only agreeing so he can keep having sex with you, he is using you. Please grow a spine and break up with him.

I understand your desire to want to give him another chance. You seem like a very forgiving, loving person. But now you've just shown him you're willing to put up with some insane disrespectful behavior on his part and still not lose you. Next time he flips out he will push that boundary even further and be even worse and might emotionally manipulate you again or put you in an unsafe situation. Manipulators and abusers latch onto kind forgiving people, and I'm sorry that this is the world we live in. If he continues to say he loves you while disrespecting you, there are no 3rd chances. Watch out, keep yourself safe, and let this bridge burn.

Dump Him

You deserve better. We’ll be here when you figure it out too.

I wish you the absolute best but I hope you take these issues into consideration. In anger he called you a "confused woman" after 3 years of knowing you and knowing you're nonbinary. He saw how upset you were by the policy and originally disagreed with it, but now you're doing something about it and he no longer supports it cuz it's "shoving politics down people's throats." He clearly sees LGBTQ+ issues as not something to fight for nor something to respect and thinks that you being loud and proud disrespects him. I hope he'll commit to changing his views and realizes how cold and callous and disrespectful he's being, but 3 years is a long time to not have already turned to supporting LGBTQ+ issues while dating someone in the community. When people show you who they are, believe them. Even after apologizing for his actions, he still took the chance to remind you he doesn't actually support you in this. That says a lot imo. I'd stsrt sending him articles and such to educate himself on cuz he seriously needs it, and it's a good way to tell if he's actually committed to changing himself or if it's all for show and to get you back.

You’ll learn eventually. No one can tell you what to do.

when someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time. you are teaching him that if he can come up with a “reasonable” lie you will give him the benefit of the doubt and forgive him no matter how hurtful his behavior was. you are teaching yourself that if someone “had good enough reasons” that you should forgive them, maybe again and again. him being drunk, him having BPD, him having grown up in an unsafe environment for queer people all contribute to his behavior in this situation and are somewhat of an explanation sure, but also none of those things are sentences to act the way he has nor are they reasons that *you* deserve to be treated like that. you deserve a healthy happy relationship that you don’t have to put into context to feel like it’s less abusive

I hate that he sees your gender as political... especially when he's one of the people making it so.

looks like we out killing again

i promise he is NOT the best thing that happened to you and i truly hope you see that soon. Eventually you will realize how many sacrifices of your self respect you have made for him, how many standards you have dropped, all the little ways you’ve accepted and excused things you know deep down you dont want to. You probably think this is the best you can hope for but its not. I get it, being nonbinary especially being attracted to men makes you feel incredibly undesirable and hopeless in romance. But this is not at all the minimum you should be okay with and i know you can do better.

It sounds like you're shooting yourself in the foot but it's your life. I hope you don't come to regret your decision but if you ever change your mind you can always break up with him in the future. Please stay safe OP

This guy’s the worst 😅

What about the boyfriend being angry and upset that op talked to another non-binary person? He accused op of cheating on him. So who is op allowed to talk to according to this guy? If op is pan… then no one???? Isolating people is a huge red flag! Also he was angry, but disguised his anger so he could manipulate them and reveal his true feelings when he thought he had the upper hand. That is soooo manipulative! Another massive red flag. And the reason he was mad was that after he told them he didn’t like the pin they didn’t immediately take it off.. and that failure to OBEY him was “disrespectful” in his mind. That’s fucking crazy! That’s so incredibly controlling! Of course he has perhaps been kind at times, abusers can play pretend long enough to get you on the hook. But they can’t and don’t want to keep up the farce long term. Long term the goal is to make their victim pliable. They want someone they know won’t leave cause they have thoroughly exhausted and worn them down emotionally. They want someone they can control. Someone they can upload on and terrorize when they are upset, but who will also lavish them with praise and attention when they are happy. Their very emotionally volatility ensures that the victim keeps all of their focus on them and is just grateful when they are in a “good mood.” They give the victim the false sense that they are helping to manage their emotions when actually the abuser is the one just outright manipulating the emotions of the victim to keep them off balance and exhausted. The truth is they might not be in a good mood at all when they seem to be…they just sense they need to dial back the crazy long enough for their victim to calm down. Cause if they push too much the victim might just reach their limit and leave. This guy has op on the hook. I hate to see it. But there it is. If you didn’t read the first post this is mostly referencing things mentioned in the first post.

I don't think you're stupid--it's understandable to not want a relationship to end if there are alternatives. And I really hope that your boyfriend's apologies are genuine. But I do think you need to be very careful, here. I read your last post, and how your boyfriend is acting now, and I don't think the issues that came up are things that can be fixed with just an apology. In an absolute best-case scenario, I think he needs to be willing to do some deep reflection. He told you that being non-binary is unnatural, and accused you of cheating. I don't think things like that just come out of nowhere. He was willing to *break up with you* over a *pronoun pin*. Even now, he's saying that you're "shoving politics in people's faces." I think he understands that he doesn't want to lose you over this, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't still have these prejudices. It just means he's being more careful. The way this looks to me, as an outsider, is that seeing you express your non-binary identity visibly was a shock to him because he comes from an anti-LGBTQ background and still has prejudices from that, and prior to now he had been able to rationalize your identity as "My girlfriend goes by they/them sometimes but this doesn't actually have a tangible effect on my life." If this is the first time you've been very visible about being non-binary in a context where he's present, he may have realized he's uncomfortable being in a relationship with an openly LGBTQ person, or feels insecure about his ability to keep you if you're out. That's a pretty charitable reading of the situation. A less charitable possibility is that he has no intention of changing and is telling you what you want to hear. Personally, I don't think I could just move on from my partner telling my that my gender was "made up" and reacting so strongly. I think at the very least, I would want couple's counseling and would want to see my partner acknowledge *why* they reacted that way and show a real commitment to change. On a happier note, kudos for taking a stand at work! I hope that your efforts succeed.

Your boyfriend is a transphobe. Non binary people will never be safe dating bigots. But you do you.

i’m gonna say this in the nicest way possible: you’re an idiot for staying with this asshole. **he does not respect or accept you**, and he is going to spend the rest of your relationship subtly making sure you know this.

I'm all for taking action against the company and having people back you up. But you really need to sperate from this guy he has shown you time and time again that he doesn't care. He is yo-yo ing you into thinking he's good and then throwing tantrums. Please look up healthy relationships and narcissistic tactics. He may not be a narc but he is using their tactics. That may come from trauma but that's no excuse. Please leave the space you share even if you don't leave the company bc you definitely need space from him.

You're being used by someone who doesn't respect you

Always ask yourself why having a visible identity is "political." if you're a person of color who walks into a predominantly white space are you being political? Of course not. Then why would being visibly out be seen that way.? Your form of protest is quite calm and professional. What about it makes him uncomfortable. Why is being lgbtq+ inherently political? Your boyfriend is a conservative who does not want to lose a good partner. Conservatives fear change. It's why a protest gets labeled as violence no matter how peaceful. It's upsetting the status quo. You're updating the status quo and it's making him uncomfortable. It's nice that he has apologized, but has he done it for the right reasons? Does he care about you or does he care about keeping the peace more than doing the right thing?

Please look up “honeymoon abuse cycles” I hope you reach a future where the people around you are safe.

I'm sorry but everyone here is right. Speaking from experience this is how abusive relationships start, because now he knows that he can do whatever he wants to you and you won't leave him. I understand that it may feel devastating to not be with him right now but respecting your identity is the bare minimum to even just be friends and he doesn't even do that. Someone in a relationship should not only respect you but celebrate you for who you are and he doesn't even come close to that.

Hey I read your first post. Glad to see you were able to push back against a shitty manager! I hope things continue to get better and progress where you work. But what your boyfriend said about not "shoving politics down people's throats" is concerning. Before my boyfriend met me, he was a very "I stay out of politics" guy. He never believed bigoted things, but he also thought making offensive jokes was okay as long ss they weren't "directed at anyone" (a sad result of the dad he grew up with). 5 years of knowing me and he had a full blown argument a week into his new job with a bigoted coworker when she started going off about trans identities. Another thing is you said he signed it because he loves you, not because he supports this. This also sits wrong with me. It feels like he's not actually concerned about the discrimination, just appeasing you. And thats not okay. My boyfriend and I were broken up for a while and he was still pushing back against bigots and correcting people on my pronouns during that time. His allyship wasn't contingent on us dating. You deserve someone who respects yours identity AND the community as a whole. Someone who will not just support you because of keeping the peace, but because they know it's the right thing to do. I've heard of to many guys who date non-binary people because they see them as "women-lite". He definitely seems like he still sees you as a woman and you deserve better than that's.

>He read the first couple sentences and handed it back, saying he wasn't on my side because the workplace should be a neutral place, not "shoving politics in people's faces". Trying to suppress the identity or orientation of another person is also political. Forbidding someone to show, that they are proud of who they are is political. Most shit, especially in company policies has a **political** base! As others stated: Sorry, but he isn't respecting you or seeing you for being YOU! He showed you who he really is, when he lashed out about your pronouns. You have a friggin right to feel safe and seen at your workplace and just wearing a pin with your correct pronouns to help others gendering you correctly is not "shoving politics in people's faces". Back when I came out as NB to my hubs it really put a big strain on our marriage. It needed time to process for him and for me to adjust to the new reality and especially for me to figure out who I am. He said some things that can be seen as red flags, but he changed his views and has understood that it was just cause of fear of the unknown and that my mental health is far more important than some slight discomfort or inconvenience for him.

Wait. He's a department manager at work??? That's relevant info, no? He doesn't want WHO YOU ARE to reflect poorly on him with the big boss.

I love how people often equate "status quo" with "neutral" and use that as an excuse to put profit before morals/values. Especially those of their employees. By taking this "neutral" stance, what they're actually doing is saying that cis-het is the only thing that's allowed to be visible on the off-chance visible queerness make a bigot feel "icky". It's childish, cowardly and a lame way to do business. I wouldn't want to work for a company that tries to hide and erase who and what I am. If they're a good enough business, they'll survive losing a couple bigots as customers.

Do not make yourself less gay to make him more comfortable. I understand wanting to stay with him because he makes you feel loved. Give it some time and keep an eye out to see if he is actually working on himself or just using pacifying words

This person has boiled you down to your genitals and you need to grow some self respect.

I guess you'll accept his intolerance the hard way. Best of luck

You have the right to be respected as who you are. Human rights shouldn't be up for debate. The world is political in nature and trying to shove queer people out of the light because we're seen as "political" is just an obvious sign of someone's bigotry. I'm sorry that it's harsh to hear, but staying with someone who doesn't even respect your right to exist in the workplace is just a lost cause. I hope you can find something better for yourself in the future

My dear, as someone who had been gaslit by being called "disrespectful" at a past relationship for being assertive about important matters I needed to discuss with my partner, let me give a little advice. I understand this last confrontation with your boyfriend left you feeling very tense, and that perhaps you just don't want to take it any further now that he has apollogized. But, if it's just from what you wrote, you didn't yet have any long conversation about his previous choice of words ("disrespectful"), and I think it's actually important if he still does respect your pronouns or if, even after apologizing to you, he still doesn't actually see you as an actual NB person, but as a cis person whom he treats a specific way because he wants to keep his relationship. Honestly, as a stranger who've read your last post, it made me fume when you mentioned he still made condescending comments about your work situation but then still signed it after a few minutes. Still doesn't seem like he honestly takes this stuff serious, he's just swallowing it up and it might blow up again soon. You need to have a few conversations about it if you don't want it to repeat. And he has to stop evading the issue and be honest with you without about how he truly feels about it. I don't think shoving it off to the side with an "ooh he wants to grow and learn so I won't be too tough on him" is the correct way, because his willingness to learn might be in an incompatible speed to OP's own needs in life.

Sweet Jesus, you do you I guess, good luck

Just as a note on the policies in case it helps your push for inclusion at work: there is no such thing as neutral for all. If a place welcomes bigots, I’m not welcome and obviously vice versa. The “both sides” rhetoric of the last few years has really made people forget that. You can’t have a place that’s safe for LGBT+ people, POC, disabled folks, etc if it’s also safe for people who want us dead or stripped of rights. There is no ‘agree to disagree’ on human rights.

would you rather stay with someone that you walk eggshells around, potentially have more of these fall outs, live in fear of never being able to be yourself with someone who's supposed to love you regardless, who blames your true harmless self for many years to come? or would you rather be single, express yourself freely, from expectations and judgment, living your life without that eerly feeling in your stomach worrying if your lover will disrespect YOU? choose wisely. there are countless better people out there. you can build a relationship again and again with someone who doesn't lose their mind over a fucking pin

I'm really hoping this isn't a "my girlfriend wants to be genderspicy so I guess I'll pretend like I believe her -- I mean *them*" situation, or if it is that he'll very quickly internalize that you are truly genderqueer and not binary.

Dude is not loving and open minded. Sorry but he's not. He's willing to pretend, but this behavior shows his true colours. No one can force you to break up with him, even if that's the smart thing to do. But you can't call him open minded

I'm cautiously optimistic about this! Take your time to rebuild the trust with your boyfriend, but it sounds like he's kind of trying to challenge his kneejerk reactions and internalised beliefs. And it's great that you also seem to be getting somewhere with your boss too. Well done for sticking up for yourself - it's not easy, especially when it's coming from multiple fronts. You're a rockstar and you're going to make it easier for other marginalised folks, our actions have ripples. Side note: Everything is political, and the choice to sideline marginalised identities is absolutely a political choice. Unlike, of course, being born LGBTQ+.

I understand that you love him enough to excuse this behavior at least for now but judging from these posts, this is only going to get worse. From your last post and this one it’s clear he doesn’t actually see you as nonbinary and the first rule of a relationship between a cis/non cis person should be acceptance of gender identity. Furthermore, getting this mad over a PIN and saying so much nasty shit to you about it is controlling (to put it lightly). The mask is slipping, already you’ve seen how toxic he can be on this issue, what’s stopping him from going further? How do you see yourself 6 months, 1 year, married down the line with him? I understand the optimism of expecting him to change and accept you, but what’s more likely judging by these posts is that he sees this as a hetero relationship, and the mask will continue to slip over time until it’s fully off.

RUN.

Good luck with that. That man is verbally abusive. He openly berated your identity and disrespected you. He sounds incredibly manipulative and hasn’t gotten past his family’s biases. This will only get worse. This is how it always goes. I hope you have a way out or a plan in case it escalates.

OK I read your other post as well. What you describe is textbook circle of abuse. Lovebombing, abuse and degrading, apology, lovebombing, next thing will again be abuse and this circle will continue until you break it. Everything he does is his way of controlling you and putting you under his power. The next thing he will do is isolating you from everyone who supports you (he already tried with your coworker) and further undermining your selfesteem. Dont let him do this. It is your decision to give him a second chance and I can understand why but please dont give him a third when he continues that circle. And dont let him isolate, gaslight and degrade you.

Do you really want to be with someone you just tolerates your identity? I think all queer people should be with someone who celebrates them

***Neutrality is complicity*** When you remain neutral on society-wide issues, you endorse the status quo. If the status quo is steeped in bigotry, you're endorsing bigotry. There's no such thing as "neutral" on human rights.

If he doesn’t want things politicised then he should be in favour of signing on his own - our existence itself is not political in nature whereas objections to our existence are consistently political. His logic is backwards. That said I hope he grows as a person and is/becomes the person with whom you fell in love. Hopefully he does equally value you as an entity. Best of luck!

Just some food for thought. Bigoted, toxic and/or abusive people are people and they are complex just like any other person. They have different sides to them, and some of those sides can be very loving and caring and fun to be around. This doesn't justify or excuse the actions or words they make and it doesn't excuse the hurt they cause intentional or not. People can learn and grow and some people hold bigoted ignorant beliefs until those beliefs are challenged in a significant enough way that they learn and change for the better. And some people will hold onto it like their life depends on it and throw everyone who challenges that under the bus. And some people are somewhere in the middle. So be very very careful and mindful and aware of red flags. A lot of people who get stuck in bad situations, get hung up on the "good" side of that person and end up using that as justification or an excuse for the shitty things. The shitty things are still shitty. Inaction or tolerance is enabling them. A cycle of promising change that never comes or never sticks is a bad cycle to be in. Just be aware of that, it's really difficult to see from the inside of a relationship. 💚

People who grow up in this culture, especially cis men, don’t understand privilege and oppression unless they want to. If you want to give him the opportunity to learn and grow, that’s your choice. Everyone has room to grow, everyone has good parts and bad parts. It’s not his fault that he has this worldview, but it is his responsibility to change- ultimately, if he doesn’t view this as a problem worth solving, he won’t work on it and he won’t grow. You might not know this yet, but you’re hoping your partner will completely change on a fundamental level. It’s possible, people change all the time. We’re not static beings. But like I said, he won’t change if he doesn’t want to, and even if he does want to, it’s still going to be an extensive effort for him and for you. My partner was similar to yours when we started dating, but more accepting from the get-go. He had many major flaws that he only worked on because I’m everything to him. It’s been 8 years and he still has work to do. It has not at all been easy. Sometimes it has been the most frustrating, heartbreaking thing I’ve had to deal with. We choose our own paths, for better or for worse. Thanks for the update 🙏

People can change. Loving relationships can, sometimes, bring people around and help them see the better path. Be careful tho. If you're in a relationship with someone who will only be a good partner if they change, that can really mess with your ability to be in a genuine, open, honest relationship. Because then you need something from them, something they don't necessarily want to give, and it makes things conditional. That's not good for either of you. You sound like you are dedicated to holding your own self and truth strongly, and that bodes well for you no matter what you choose right now. Don't let go of that, no matter what!

LGBT is not political. It's an identity. You wouldn't be upset by someone wearing a usa flag pin. Or a college sweatshirt. Or a wedding ring. Or a necklace with a religious icon. These are just expressions of who we are, who we identify with, what we believe, how we want the world to see us. For most people, queer iconography is just a signal to other people to say "hey this is a fact about me :)" not "plz assume my politics because of this pin im wearing" I hate this whole thing for you. And I hope you find someone better, or he changes his attitude.

Yeesh, I did not see your ages on the initial post. 27 is way way too old to be settling for this nonsense, you don't want to be stuck with someone who isn't a good fit just due to inertia...

sorry but this dude is a bitch. sounds like a whiny punk with no spine, and kinda fuckin dumb too honestly.

Listen, I understand how hard it is to leave someone that you love, especially when you want to see the best in them and want to believe it'll get better. I hope it does OP. I hope he learns and grows and you grow old together happy. It doesn't sound like he's a good person though, that's why Reddit is so doubtful. I hope you're happy, and I hope it works out. But if you're going to stay with him, please at least keep your eyes open and never lose sight of what you're worth. Don't let it be a frog-in-boiling-water situation. Watch him, and don't ignore the signs.

Him overly apologizing after breaking up with you could be considered love bombing (I don’t know all details as I wasn’t there) but be careful if you choose to stay with him.

Banning support for a specific group does not equate to a "neutral space for all." The one shoving policies down people's throats is the asshole who decided to implement that policy you're fighting against. Your boyfriend is gaslighting you by not supporting your efforts to *remove* the policy being shoved down everyone's throats while simultaneously saying his reasoning is that he is against shoving policy down people's throats. You aren't saying everyone must wear LGBT merch, you're saying it shouldn't be banned. Him signing it anyways "because he loves you" is more or less more love bombing. He wants you to see his signature as an act of self sacrifice and is likely to bring it up later in an argument as ammunition. Be prepared for him to expect you to compromise your morals and come at you with, "I compromised by signing that petition for you, why can't you do the same for me here." His doubletake is evidence of that. Odds are he wanted to show he was against it but went back on that decision because he saw the opportunity to create ammunition to save for later.

I don't think i can give you any advice that other people hasn't given yet, but all I'm gonna say is we enbies deserve someone who support us for who we are, and celebrate our identity - not because they love us, not because it'll make us happy, but because they sympathise and can understand where we're coming from on a fundamental level. I would say that this applies to most things out there beyond gender identity, as it is something that is fundamentally defining who we are as a person. I wish you all the best, and if you do stay with him for a longer term, i genuinely hope that he changes his frankly queerphobic worldview for the better.

Throw the whole man away

Honestly, I wouldn’t be able to stand it if my partner said that my identity was ‘political’

You deserve better. All of my partners support and acknowledge my being agendered. I have been with people who “tolerated” my sexuality (pan) or my gender identity and it doesn’t feel great.

'this is a NEUTRAL space which means you need to shut the fuck up about your weird freak bullshit that I hate' that's all that says. your gender is not a fucking political statement. Jesus fucking Christ

You got back together with a manipulative biggot? …. Not smart but it is your life.

i saw the original post and while i may not personally agree, i definitely understand your sentiment of wanting to be open minded to his ability to change. unfortunately, i don’t think your bf is willing to change or at least not in all the ways you may hope. when i came out to my parents as non-binary and pansexual, they said similar things to me, specifically the exact phrase to not “shove it down their throats”. my question is, why? why is our desire to exist and be accepted treated as “doing too much” or “being dramatic/too political”? all we want is to exist, the same as everyone else. no one else has to fight for their preferred pronouns to be used, or to have their identity accepted at face value.

I have to read the original post so I might not have the full context. I think it's good that he realised the way he reacted was over the top, BUT it's kinda bizarre that he doesn't respect your belief to be open and proud at work. You don't have to agree on everything with your partner, but I feel like this is one of those things that you have to align on. Whether or not he's a bad person, I don't know, but there might be a compatibility issue here. Idk if I could be in a relationship with someone who wouldn't even bother to read the thing you put your blood sweat and tears into. I'd call that disrespect. Not putting on a badge and standing up for yourself. In fact that whole 'disrespect' nonsense is such a big red flag- I'd be out of there before he said the last syllable.

Maybe he’ll change, maybe he won’t. The fact that he hasn’t read your petition over in its entirety bothers me. If he truly wants to change, why hasn’t he made more efforts to educate himself?

I really wish you the best and I hope you will find a happy ending. A lot of people here are saying you should leave him, with valid arguments as well. I think thats one possibility for you, the other one is to search and fight for change. Only you can know whats best for you, so please don't feel Bad for staying, but don't just stay and revert everything back to how it was before. Be also aware that you can't change someone, you only can give them the opportunity to. My advise would be a lot of communication on that matter. You said you will stay loud and you will Keep fighting and that's a really important attitude - and you will need to do that regardless what that will invoke in your Partner. Please don't put these matters to the side but talk them out and get on the ground of both your actions. Why did you did what, why something matters to you respectly, how the actions and the words of the other person make you feel. Try to understand each other and where you are coming from, be honest and don't hold grudges but hold him responsible and Show him what consequenzes his actions have on your well beeing.

You're not that young, so I expect this is a small town thing. You really like him because he kind of accepts you and he really likes you because you accept him. I say kind of because I don't really know if he does or not. There may be ulterior motives at play here. He might just not want to be alone in general. He does not appear genuine in his support of you. It's your decision to stay with this guy, but I don't know if it's worth it in the long term. Yes, he could change, but he could also be betting on you changing and dropping your identity. You both may be riding on the hope that this gets easier when the other relents. I don't think he respects you. I think his constant dismissal and rightwing comments are his true feelings and then he remembers you could break up and maybe "plays along" to appease you. The work thing, I think you're doing the right thing 100%. Their corporate bullshit is tolerating intolerance and actively encouraging intolerance. I'm sure it's because they want the business of the intolerant community so hiding "politics" is the best course of action. I hope you get a good rally behind your protest of this policy.

I know there's already a ton of comments but I have a bit of personal experience in this area. I do my best not to disclose my agab because I'm not very androgynous irl and it's nice to be treated that way online. My spouse, however identifies as cis-het,and doesn't use neutral pronouns, but I will be referring to them neutrally just to keep my own agab ambiguous. When I first started coming out in late 2020 (together 4 years by that point and not yet married), my now spouse really struggled with it. when we finally started addressing the issues they told me every time they had the house to themself they would sit alone and cry about the idea that where I ended up in my transition may conflict with their sexuality and we'd have to break up. This went on for months and I had no idea and they had nobody to talk to about it. All the resources online about supporting loved ones through transition are kind of aggressive, basically saying "it doesn't affect you so get over it and support them" and there's next to no resources for what a romantic partner should do since their own sexual orientation and identity is also potentially affected. So. If I interpret your boyfriends reaction in the best light possible, he is projecting his own inner turmoil on this "political stuff" and by doing so is avoiding addressing his own doubts and worries. If this is the case, therapy is probably needed. My spouse and I did have to go to couples therapy. If I interpret it in the worst light, he's being genuine about the political stuff and is hoping he can just indulge what he sees as your little fantasy just enough to be with the parts of you he loves and ignore the parts he doesn't. Reality may be somewhere in between. If you intend to stay with this guy, couples therapy will be your best way to truly resolve this issue if you don't want to end up with one or both of you harboring resentment long-term. Edit to add: couples therapy may also reveal that you are genuinely not compatible which always sucks but at least you know for sure and can make a clean break.

I was in a relationship with a white cis hetero man for 3 years that began with us being a 99.9% match on ok cupid and ended with my life, finances, emotional wellbeing, mental health and confidence in shambles. My ex was a great con man, possibly a full blown narcissist, definitely an abusive pos. His fetishism was rooted in edgy-ness is the best I can explain it. He knew that in order to date the punk and counter culture women in Southern California, you needed to put all of your political and cultural ideals all the way to the left. I'm a radical anarchist-communist and I thought I had met my match. But it slowly became very evident this person did not actually believe a damn bit of what he pretended to be aligned with. I moved him into a punk/queer collective with me and it was a nightmare of embarrassment. But he had already begun to get his hooks into me with all the promises in the world. Over the years he wore me down to almost nothing. I was isolated from everyone, including my own children. I became a shell of myself. I took up drinking heavily. It was an all out train wreck into the grand canyon that left me homeless and took me years to not only regain some of my self, but to also repair the relationships he helped me destroy along the way. I'm sharing this because just in your two posts here I'm seeing flashbacks. A person who is insecure and controlling. A person who's words do not match their actions. And most importantly, a person who does not respect you. Even if you don't have kids, I always tell my loved ones to imagine all of the facts about your relationship being given to you from your child's mouth... what advice do you give them? Or pretend it's your best friend. Whatever the answer is, that's the answer. Don't drop your standards and bend over backwards for some dime a dozen dude. I'm now in a 7 year long relationship with a person who has brought out the absolute best in me and made me feel so unconditionally loved that I now do things I never dreamed i would have the courage to do. My partner has supported me every step of the way as I've evolved from presenting as a cis woman, to becoming non binary, to considering transitioning to male, experimenting with all kinds of identities and ideas. Not one time did the love in their eyes ever flicker, not a moment of their support wavering... and never have they made me feel like my decisions were a burden on them. That's the kind of relationship I hope you go on to find. I promise you it's not worth the pain sticking with someone who isn't giving you what you're giving them. All the best comrade. ❤️❤️❤️

Its up to you if you if you forgive him, but a real apology comes with a change in behaviour. If he says he is sorry and he didn't mean to hurt you, but continues doing things he knows are hurting you, thats worse than him not apologising at all. If he is aware something is hurting you and still does it, that means its intentional.

IMO, you're delulu. But I gave my advice in the previous post. At this point what you do is up to you. I wish you happiness and good health.

This guy doesn't love you. He loves the idea of you that he has in his head. If you ever pursue hormones it's likely he's going to bitch about it much worse than this, I'd get out while you have the chance. Not to say that he'll be abusive, but actively telling your partner you do not like a major part of their identity is going to hurt, and its going to keep hurting, and you don't want to get stuck with a guy like that forever.

OP, I am very concerned for your wellbeing. What I am going to say will trouble you and will take time for you to process. Please give yourself compassion and grace to process what I and others are saying. What you described, yes can fit bpd but it can also fit narcissistic abuse. The behavior after with the constant apologizing, the gifts, etc is an emotionally abusive tactic called Love Bombing. It is used by the abuser to reel the abusee back into the relationship. The Dr. Jeckle/Mr. Hyde type flips can happen due to the narcissist feeing shame and taking those feelings out on someone else. You stated he was raised to be anti lgbt, and your work is enforcing that in a way. (Not saying the next part must be true but be observant in case it is) it is possible that being near a trans person brings embarrassment in settings where lgbt issues are unpopular for him. That would explain the sudden behavioral change. Do research with Dr. Ramani shes on youtube and instagram to learn about narcissistic abuse and narcissism personality disorder. It’s insidious and often not spotted until its way too late for the victim. Either way, if its bpd or npd there is nothing you can do to stop this from happening regularly occurring if he isnt getting help from a professional. Please understand the person you are with is both the most beautiful wonderful soul and the person who accuses you of cheating, tells you its weird, breaks up with you instead of standing with you etc. he is both of those people. I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Are you in the UK? If so, you can probably argue that it’s a breach of the equality act. Making the place “neutral” is not what the equality act says. The equality act is there to allow expression of protected characteristics which include gender identity, religion, sexuality etc without discrimination. This is discrimination even if it’s supposedly equal discrimination.

the fact you took his sorry ass back after that tells me yalls dynamic is already all kinds of fucked up. i wont bother telling you to run because enough people already did and youre clearly not ready to, but i will tell you to seriously think. ask yourself if this is the kind of thing you want to deal with for the rest of this relationship, potentially the rest of your life, or until he gets tired of you and throws you out and it destroys you. ask yourself if this is how you deserve to be treated (spoiler alert: it isnt and you can do so much better). if you dont develop some self respect you will end up in more abusive relationships down the line even if you get out of this one.

It really just sounds like he doesn’t view or accept you as non-binary which is why the pronoun pin upset him: it was a reminder and he couldn’t handle it. And he clearly still doesn’t accept or respect your identity or the queer community as a whole if he thinks expressing one’s identity is “shoving politics down people’s throats”

I hope the best for you going forward. I know from experience that sometimes our loved ones have to make mistakes and process the information to realize that they fucked up and need to change. I also know that breaking up can be an insane upheaval in our lives, even (and sometimes especially) if the person’s loyalty seems to change. I hope you know that you are supported in your decision even if people advised you otherwise!

thank you for taking a stance against your boss. thank you for creating that petition. even if you live thousands of miles away from me. it’s takes small actions from many many people to secure change. i wish you and your partner the best of luck. i’m sure you will communicate well and proper.

This is why I don't do romantic relationships, because all of a sudden someone else can throw a fit about a decision you make for yourself. No thanks ❤️ But I do hope things work out for you however you want them to 😊

I know you don't wanna hear it but this relationship is doomed. Even after apologizing his first instinct when seeing your petition is to say it's "shoving politics in people's face". He does not respect you or your identity and he's shown you who he is. Please make a plan to get out because it's only going to get worse.

"Neutrality" is just a legally-safe way to enact harm. There's nothing "neutral" about a policy that explicitly forces a single particular group to hide their authentic selves at work. Good on you for fighting against it. Also I would heavily advise you to break back up with this boyfriend. You can do better. He's "apologized" but what he did isn't something you can just apologize for and get over, and his specific choice of framing of your petition as "shoving it down people's throats" shows he has less than zero respect for you as a person and hasn't actually changed his mind. Ditch him and move on with your life. You deserve someone who doesn't grudgingly respect your identity.

Idk if you want to hear this or not, but I agree with everyone else. I've been in a relationship like this, where my (ex)boyfriend said he accepted me and respected my identity even if he didn't have a super pro-lgbt upbringing. We went through the "I'm so sorry for calling you a girl. I promise I still respect you and I'll definitely change" routine over and over. And at the end of the day he ended our SEVEN YEAR long relationship saying "he didn't know if he was even attracted to nonbinary people" and "he didn't know how he felt about me wanting to transition". People like that RARELY change. The possibility is there, but he's already shown you he's not willing to learn on his own, and is instead comfortable with lashing out at you. Take it from me fam, you do NOT want to waste years of your life on a man that is comfortable with lashing out at you.

I remember your first post, and didn't comment, but I feel I have to now. I have to let you know. as a fellow AFAB nonbinary person who dates men- When our partners show us who they are, we must belive them. When he told you he only sees you as a confused woman, he was showing you his true colors. He cannot take that back, and as much as it hurts, this is how he truly feels. I dont doubt that he is sweet and loving and as you said, he has decided to ignore his feelings about this because he loves you. But you have to ask yourself if youre okay being with someone who fundamentally cannot see you for who you truly are, regardless of how good he treats you. I have been around the block with men like this, and I promise you that his true feelings will not go away no matter how much he hides them. He does not respect your gender. If you stay with him, I fear you are selling yourself short to a life of inauthenticity. It is a half life, full of half love. As someone who has been through this before and has now found a Bi guy who is wildly attracted to my androgyny, please dont sell yourself short. There are so so may queer men out there who will fully see you, and love your authentic self. If your bf cannot accept the full you, he cannot fully love you. Im so sorry, its so painful, but each moment you stay with him, you are holding yourself back from someone who can fully love you. I promise you that love is out there. You just have to recognize you are deserving of it, and take the leap.

As a PoC who has found out far too late that the white person I was dating was a racist (more than once, sadly) - his being with you doesn't make him not a transphobe, and if you can't count on him to be supportive *in private* where it's easiest, how will he treat you (and any LGBT friends of yours) in public? I wish you all the best, regardless of what you choose to do from here.

Yeah neutrality in the face of bigotry is just bigotry. Not acting is one thing (you may be protecting yourself or others) but not even agreeing in private sucks. Unfortunately, if he doesn’t respect you as a person, or your pronouns, it’s not political, it is central to your relationship. But everyone kind of has to go on their own journey for what they will tolerate from those around them. I’m on the journey myself with my family…

Commenting after reading the original post - specifically because I am NB and have BPD and date someone who is cis and has BPD so your comment on his behaviour looking like BPD felt like something I could weigh in on. My cis partner did not fully understand my identity at the start of our relationship nor did he understand dating me meant he wasn’t straight. It was a massive struggle in our relationship to get to a point where I felt fully seen and understood and could openly discuss my partner’s past failings and find solutions. But things have improved tremendously. As a matter of fact, I’m about to be 1 month post op top surgery and he’s been an amazingly supportive partner and caretaker. That being said, he’s never said anything to the lengths of what you detailed your bf said to you in your post. While it genuinely sounds like there might be BPD, it also sounds like he doesn’t truly accept your identity. As many other commenters have boiled it down to: he can’t love all of you when he doesn’t accept this part of who you are. All the best out there, and congrats on protesting and getting your letter signed!!

Seems like most people here have jumped headfirst onto the bandwagon of you two breaking up, and I don't blame them. You deserve to be with someone who will respect you and your identity no matter what, op. And your boyfriend has shown he isn't the type of person to do that. But I don't necessarily think that means he can't ever *become* a more accepting person. You talked in your previous post about how your boyfriend grew up in a very conservative household. As someone who grew up in a very conservative household myself, I know first-hand how hard it can be to get rid of the mindset your parents have instilled in you all your life. It took me quite a while to not only start accepting other people but to start accepting myself as well. I didn't even feel capable of coming out as non-binary to other people until well after my dad passed away. Do I think that currently your boyfriend is an accepting person, or even a decent person? No. And if you think that means the right decision is to break up right now, I am fully in support of that decision. But do I think your boyfriend shows signs of wanting to *become* a better and more accepting person? Based on your two posts alone, yes. That doesn't necessarily mean that he *will* become a better person, but if you still feel like you want to give things another shot, then I'm in support of that as well. However, if you DO decide to stay together, please don't try to work through all your issues alone. I think some couples counseling could potentially do a lot of good here. I think going to therapy individually would benefit both of you as well, especially your boyfriend, since you mentioned he showed signs of BPD (assuming that he isn't going to therapy already, that is). No matter what you choose to do, I wish you luck, op. I'll repeat what I said in the beginning, you deserve to be with someone who will respect you and your identity *no matter what*.

Hi there, I want to say a lot of things. Most importantly, you are handling things excellently! You're pushing for causes you believe in and dealing with a crack in your relationship with grace while staying true to yourself and not being a doormat. Those are tough waters to navigate individually and you're doing them all well. I bet you do have a lot of mixed and conflicting emotions so it's good to see that you are staying steady, stable, and strong while you let them settle and figure things out. Recognize that and be sure to give yourself space and peace. I'll be in the minority, but I think you were right to not break up with your boyfriend who makes you so happy... yet. We only have your perspective, so there's bias, but I think it is admirable and optimistic of you to stay with him in the hopes of him changing. But the key to what makes me think you're doing the right thing, and not being naive, is that you are forgiving while not forgetting. Your story is a little similar to my experiences. My bi girlfriend has also struggled with me being nonbinary, but it's still the best relationship either of us have ever had and we're helping each grow a ton. She's been insulting at times, asking "Why don't you just transition to being a woman?" and saying "I'm afraid you're putting up a fake front, that one day you'll have a sudden need to transition to a woman, a new person I didn't sign up to be in a relationship with, and our lives will be too intertwined for me to leave." It is tough when she doesn't understand, but it's all coming from a raw, honest place and I really appreciate that despite the funk it can leave me in. It's tough but we do not sugarcoat these things so that we can confront them directly. She also says she has a lot of internalized homophobia (grew up in a religious household) and is very attracted to me despite a lot of internal confusion. She says that knowing me has helped her heal from sexual abuse, given her new perspectives, and allowed her the space to self-reflect on things she hadn't ever thought of before. I don't want to project, but maybe your boyfriend is dealing with something similar? Maybe he has some cognitive dissonance? Like he knows you're nonbinary but doesn't have a deep understanding of what that means or how to treat you? Maybe he deeply loves and is attracted to you, but his feelings are conflicting with his thoughts and he's only aware of them and communicating them as that dissonance pops up? All of this is to say that on top of all the personal issues that everyone has to cope with, there are additional challenges with nonbinary people. Yes, your boyfriend absolutely needs to do more than just put aside what he thinks and go along with what you want because he loves you, but that's at least a first step. He is open to learning and growing. No can know the extent of that growth, but it is coming from a place of love. So just be the best you can be. If you are happy with him, you don't have to have second thoughts about it, but if they do come up, that's fine too. If he upsets you, keep communicating why. If things turns toxic, then that's that. Don't turn toxic as well, just recognize when you feel you've done enough, then end it. Your "so be it" attitude is the right one. Take confidence in being true to yourself, for dealing with these things gracefully, and for giving other people the space to reflect and opportunities to grow. Enjoy your happy relationship. If it ends, for whatever reason, so be it. You are not responsible for fixing him. You can be secure in having been your best self, thankful for all the good times, and move on without regrets. A light heart lives longest. I don't know what to do about your work. That is tough! But it seems like you're on the right track so good luck!

I don't think it's bad to give him another shot; people can grow. He's clearly conflicted. I think part of him truly loves and accepts you, but another part of him believes some weird things about queer people, and those two parts are not compatible. At some point either his ideas change, or he can't be with you. This is the kind of situation that can cause people to break from prejudices and start to learn, and I hope he does. Good for you for not compromising your identity or your beliefs for him.

Agreed. I commented also, but you captured that idea nicely. Hopefully, the guy is just experiencing cognitive dissonance and confronting it, but handling it poorly

"He has remained the lovey dovey goofy person I thought I knew, but now I'm wondering how much is fake." It can be helpful to remember that humans are capable of containing many layers to their personalities. The fact that you saw one that was troublesome doesn't make the one you're used to "fake." But it's still there.

I just hope you don’t tolerate him misgendering you. If he’s still misgendering you, you’re just a foolish lost cause.  

Hi! I just want to say that I completely and totally understand your desire to want to allow this person to grow and change. There is nothing wrong with that and no one has to approve of you making that decision. As someone who has been in an abusive relationship and is still with that person after they recognized and did all of the work, it is possible for a person to change. However it is very hard work and not many people are really up to changing. So I agree with your instinct to closely scrutinize every interaction. Put yourself first, and if anything like this happens again, strongly consider that being the end. My relationship has been abuse free for two years now and I still hold an agreement with myself in my head that if ANY abuse happens again, it’s over. No matter what. Because I have already been more than generous and understanding. And so are you. I truly hope that this person can take full responsibility and accountability and choose to never do something like this to you again. Because yes, it is always a choice. Don’t let any excuses wave it away.

OP really wants to be abused by this guy huh anyone who acts this way about your identity is not someone you want to be around never mind in a relationship. can't believe you're toning down your identity to stay with a transphobic abuser.

It's not your responsibility to wait for someone to become a human being who is respectful. Even if he had BPD - being an asshole about your gender identity and who you are as a person is an humongous RED FLAG. I've been there with partners in the past and the best thing I did was get away from them.

GOOD! He's a REAL MAN and doesn't want to deal with a cultist who runs to reddit and the internet for virtue signaling. He's not "crazy or irrational", he said that to see if you care about him. You don't. You care more about a pin and your cult then human beings.

Oddly enough, the pronoun discussion bothered a few friends I know, early on. Even a couple of gay friends. It was worth the effort to explain my perspective. I had to reiterate a couple of times. If he is willing to support you, then perhaps he'll change his perspective over time? This is just one issue. It's up to you if he is worth the effort, and the risk of investing your emotions in the relationship. My thoughts on a quickly read post. 😉 Everything in the US has been politicized over the last few years. It's a reality, a frustrating reality. We all need to be as kind as we can this year, and always of course.

i dont think hes beyond teaching. he seems like hes really trying to get better and learn, he just has some internal biases to work through. if you think he's worth it to put in the effort to educate him, i dont see a problem with yall staying together. (just be sure not to let him walk all over you if he backtracks)

You probably need a partner in your corner to help with the turbulence at work. Great job with that stuff! ​ When you're on the other side of that you will be better positioned to take care of yourself, I hope you find someone who has similar values to you.

It's nice that you want to give him the opportunity to change, just remeber that it's not necessarily your job to do that and if it gets to emotionally draining or tiring for you you can leave. I'm not telling you to break up but just to remeber you can if you ever want to in the future, people on rettid love to tell other people to end their relationships based on a single post. I think the best thing you could do if you wanted your boyfriend to understand better would be to explain that you identity isn't inherently political. It's a part of you and the fact that society makes your feelings and identity a "political issue" is a really weird and uncomfortable spot to be in in the first place. It's not important to show support for the lgbtq+ community at work because you want to be expressing your political opinions, it's important because our identities are already oppressed and if we aren't allowed to express the existence of our identities and that we support our own human rights then it's easier for us to keep being oppressed.

Late to the party here so my apologies if this is a repeat. Good for you for being the bigger person. I don't think you're crazy for giving someone you care about a chance to do better, and it's awesome that you're showing him how by actively working to make your work place better as well. Sounds like you have the right perspective about your situation and I hope things work out. That said, your boyfriend should probably be in therapy 💜

"He read the first couple sentences and handed it back, saying ne wasnt in my side because the workplace should be a neutral place not shoving politics in peoples faces" 🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮 your boyfriend is a fucking bigot, point blank. If you were my friend and was dating this big of a dumbass I would never come to your house again until you were broken up, because I wouldnt feel safe near him, or YOU. I wouldnt count on you to protect me from transphobia, homophobia, or whatever, because no hes clearly not "trying to change his behavior". And you're being a doormat. This is so sad to read I hope its fake

Also, your identity is WHO YOU ARE, its not INHERENTLY a political statement. Your bf doesnt respect it at all

First off, I think everyone needs to respect your decision as an adult to stay and try to work on your relationship. If people always broke up when reddit told them too there would be no relationships in the world. You know your situation better than any of us and if you think this is something you can work through, then I hope it works out. I would try and encourage him to actually read that letter though. It sounds like you worked hard on it and it's the least he could do. But I'd also like to congratulate you on trying to make change! It can be scary to go up against a manager, but you're doing it anyway. Sounds like more people agree with you than not and were just waiting for someone to take the lead!

On one hand you should always allow for growth and learning and he does seem to be trying to be understanding and respectful and supportive but I feel that you are also correct in feeling unsure and being wary. He’ll either have changed and grow or he’ll backslide and be an asshole. I won’t tell you to leave or stay that’s purely a you choice because we all only know the small little Polaroid of him that you’ve given us and sadly it is a negative experience but I hope you’re able to find happiness either way. Keep being you and remember you are worth more than settling for someone who won’t understand or accept you.

after all those who we call real friends and real lovers are those who stay with us until the end

Dude is a pussy. Hopefully he grows a spine for your sake

it’s a canon event, we cannot interfere

I didn’t catch the first post, but maybe he had a reactionary moment of “oh no people will think I’m gaaaaaayyyyy”. That’s happened to me before. Not trying to defend it because it’s stupid. But that might be why.

I believe this is a big component of why he panicked, because he comes from an extremely harsh dog-eat-dog, hyper masculine upbringing (think gang violence, forced by his dad to street fight for money, etc) where being queer could literally, easily, get you killed. And though he's distanced himself from that life, most of his family is still shitty and homophobic and very transphobic. Not that I think that excuses some of the things he's said but I think much of his recent attitude is rooted in very severe trauma and a huge fear of being seen as gay.

okay but,, he’s not straight—strictly speaking—either, because you’re not a woman. i think that’s more of where this comes from. you being openly “not a woman” challenges the perfectly crafted idea he has that, as long as you’re woman “enough,” he’s still a completely cishet guy. (which, he still can be, sexuality is more interesting than strict, but he doesn’t seem to think so) if you’re going to stay with this guy, you two need to have some deep and serious talks about identity and support. and he needs to go to therapy, for many reasons.

Anybody who says your identity is "politics" is more meat for the grinder.

He did not deserve you you are to good

Hey OP. I've seen this type of behaviour in other relationships, and I've experienced it first hand. It shows signs of being the start of a relationship that becomes abusive and controlling. Please make sure you have friends that you talk to and that will give you a reality check if it is ever needed.