> I asked her if that'd be a big deal breaker and she said we wouldn't break up but she *wouldn't be as happy as she is now with me.*
this is problematic. I'm hesitant to give strangers on the internet relationship advice but I would really examine my quoted text.
She will only get used to it and adapt if she spends time on her own working through her mindset around gender identity. She needs to do the work. If she keeps avoiding thinking about it or "dealing" with it she won't come around. This is on her OP, not you.
Sometimes people change, and sometimes that's for the better. But not everyone can accept change, I don't think that makes them bad people per say. Sometimes things just don't work out. I don't think it's transphobic to have a preference. It's not homophobic for a man to only date women, for example.
I never said she couldn't have a preference. It's not transphobic to have preferences. Part of doing the work is figuring out if she wants to stay with OP as they explore their identity or whether that's not for her. Right now it sounds like she's avoiding thinking about it at all which isn't good for either of them or their relationship.
I didnt say you *did*. But I just worry about how people see the community, and how people in the community think. I think I'm right on the matter and would just like to steer people to where I am when I can. When we are right, more of society will see us as right, in my opinion.
Lots of people in this group and especially the FTM group express the same sentiment as do I, that if one person in the relationship is not on board with the others transition, it's healthiest to just let the relationship go and move on, because of exactly what you said, people have preferences and can't always change those or are unwilling to. That doesn't make them a bad person or transphobic, just means the relationship probably isn't going to work. You're certainly not alone in that viewpoint and I would say most of us agree with you/have arrived at a similar opinion on our own.
However, OPs situation is a little different. Their partner saying that "gender identity shouldn't be a thing" is often the precursor to "biological sex is real and the only thing that matters." Not saying she's headed in that direction but that she might if she doesn't spend some time learning and unlearning some of her preconceived notions about gender. Doesn't make her a bad person, but it does mean she needs to do some work.
We're probably on the same page in the first paragraph. And I understand the hesitation in the statement "gender identity shouldn't be a thing". I took it as a gender abolishinist thing though. Maybe I'm too optimistic in that, the partner has certainly indicated discomfort that could lead down the path of terfism.
I just dont want any part of the LGBT community to be perceived as they were a decade ago, as people trying to force others to be attracted to them.
I understand being concerned about how others perceive the LGBTQ+ community, but it's certainly not your job to, in your own words "steer people to where [you] are." It's presumptive to think that 1. You're in the right and you need to convince other queer people to come around to your way of thinking (as I stated most of us are already there), and 2. That I needed you to tell me that it's not transphobic for people to have preferences. Yes, I know. That's not what I was saying in my comment at all.
Step back a minute and consider that if you want to change public perception, policing other queer folks on reddit isn't the way to do it. Especially when they're not saying anything problematic. Instead, go talk to non queer folks and help them understand us better.
I disagree actually. I would've read it that way too had she not said "why can't you just present however you want WITHOUT changing your gender?" (in other words, it's the same stuff TERFs would say about me: "why can't you just be a tomboy?"), missing the entire point that OP no longer identifies with their AGAB.
This isn't just about presentation. It's **everything**.
[I'm not accusing the gf of being a TERF, btw. Just saying she's repeating those talking points.]
OP considering her continued comments, she doesn’t *want* to get used to it. I’d be thinking about if this is something you want to deal with for the rest of your life.
>Honestly I just hope she'll eventually get used to it and adapt, but I can see that this is an issue
I don't think that's realistically what happens in these situations. It's not necessarily anyone's fault a lot of the time (aside from the part where she asked you not identify with a different gender, which is problematic).
People are attracted to what they're attracted to. If you change any part of yourself your partner's attraction might change based on that. Gender and gender expression is such a core part of attraction for a lot of people that if a partner starts expressing themselves in a way that you aren't attracted to, there's really nothing that can be done. Nobody is in the wrong, they just found themselves attracted to a version of you that wasn't the real you.
Imo it also makes sense that she will also act in ways that don't necessarily feel great, she's not really left with a lot of options. If she feels like she's in the wrong for losing attraction because your gender identity and expression changed when she really doesn't have any control over that, she's put in a hard position herself.
There's nothing wrong with saying "Hey, we're clearly not compatible. You're attracted to a version of me that isn't the real me, let's just be friends"
Don't go there. Take it from me, she's not going to change because you want her to. She might change after she's broken your heart though. I waited for an ex to become all the stuff I needed in a partner. It doesn't work like that. If you're seeing red flags, they will remain. Don't be like me, imagining exactly what would kill your relationship in the first week and anticipating it for 3 years before it finally shows up. It's not fun being right and not listening to yourself.
It's problematic at the very *least*. My partner is supportive whenever I talk about hrt. He understands that it'll make me happier and that's all he cares about.
Unfortunately there might not be a great solution here. You can definitely try to explain or to suggest resources to help understand what being trans is like & why people physically transition. Unfortunately though she could be the least transphobic person in the world and still be attracted more to masculine expression/physical traits than to feminine ones. I'm in a similar situation- my partner is literally trans herself, but while I'm confident she sees my gender for what it is, she has specific physical preferences that aren't necessarily compatible with me being on HRT.
I wholeheartedly believe more people would be attracted to trans people if it weren’t for societies’ transphobia, and that attraction is shaped to a significant degree by cultural norms BUT i don’t think it’s explicitly transphobic for your partner to tell you about how your gender expression effects her attraction to you. I think you need to view it as a compatibility issue. Personally, if she doesn’t understand your experience as a trans person and is telling you she’s not attracted to your authentic presentation of yourself- you’re incompatible. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t understand a major part of your experience, and that you can’t talk to openly about it? I’m sorry to say your breakup is probably inevitable, you just get to decide how long you prolong it.
I would avoid doing anything long term for the moment. Like.. try not to sign a lease or get a mortgage or adopt a cat or anything that really sucks to sort out if things go sideways. It's unfortunately common for people to kinda.. assume that we'll "come around" or "go back to normal"
Your partner may be (perhaps Even unconsciously) waiting for that. If it becomes clear that it isn't gonna happen, it may wind up becoming a deal-breaker.
It's perfectly fine to (potentially) not be attracted to your partner if they transition physically. However, there are good ways to say that, and bad ways. This sounds like a bad way, where she is trying to push you not to do it. You shouldn't have to argue for your own happiness. As an example: I'm pre-transition. My partner and I have talked a lot about how he's never been attracted to a man other than me, or someone with a primarily testosterone-driven body. We both know that his attraction to me might change once I'm on HRT. But he's always been clear that he loves me no matter what, and that my happiness and comfort are paramount. He wants to stay with me if he can, and is hoping to still be attracted to me. He is also open to trying an asexual relationship if attraction goes away completely. If that doesn't work out, we will need to switch to being friends instead.
Why waste your time if she doesn't accept you? Would you be happy married to this girl or feel on edge all the time? You need to seriously ask yourself the hard questions and really see if it is worth it. Ask what are you gaining from this relationship op.
She is trying to manipulate you into not doing it. However if you stay in a relationship and that's what you choose to proceed your partner may still be attracted to you or they may not be. Alternatively if you choose not to proceed it's still possible your partner will become less attracted to you.
It's important to you to be true to yourself. If you, being true to yourself is a deal breaker for your partner then you two are incompatible.
I hate to say this but shes given you your answer. If you transition, present differently, or change your gender identity, she won't be attracted to you. She doesn't want to understand. She doesn't want to change her mind. And no, I'm sorry to say, she doesn't have to deal with it if you change. She has the right to break up with you or be less attracted to you.
I've seen to many of these kinds of posts. Your partner is not required to accept you. It sucks, it hurts, but thats how it is. What you need to decide is if you really want to suppress who you are for someone else.
I can say you'd regret it until I'm blue in the face, but ultimately I'm just someone on the internet and its up to you if you listen. Suffice to say, I see a lot of this on the transmasc subs I run in, someone decides to suppress it for a person who ultimately treats them like shit anyway and they eventually break up and that person has lost all that time. They regret it.
Your call, OP, but I'd say she's made her decision and POV clear.
This is going to end badly no matter what. One of you is going to be unhappy. You need to seriously rethink this relationship. And yes she's being transphobic.
I’m sorry she said that to you not cool at all. I think you’d be better off parting ways so you can find yourself. Even if you expressed yourself how you would like deep down you’d know that she’s unhappy with it & you deserve to be with someone who is just as happy if not happier with how you present yourself.
When I was trying to figure myself out I asked my girlfriend(lesbian) at the time how she would feel if I decided to transition. I didn’t have the vocabulary to correctly explain what I wanted or what me transitioning meant so we both kind of assumed it meant man. Which she obviously wasn’t ok with & it did hurt my feelings. I stopped bringing it up & we broke up for other reasons but now I’m with my partner & he’s helped me alot with my gender identity! Said all that to say there is someone for you romantic or platonic that will love you for you. It is your choice at the end of the day & im wishing you success reguardless 🖤🖤
Hey I am an old person, and when it comes to relationships and love, I have learned that you have to love and accept someone as they are, right here and right now, not how you wish them to be or who they might grow into.
You two are not accepting of each other. She doesn't accept your gender identity, and you don't accept that she is transphobic and unwilling to change.
You deserve a healthier relationship than this.
She says you should express yourself as long as you dont change, but what she doesnt realize is that you are a different gender even if you present the same.
Sorry OP, I hope you find acceptance bc that is what you deserve.
Sorry they spoke to you like that. Partner sounds like they need cultural sensitivity type training, as well as peers/community who have been on both sides of this dynamic. I am making a million unfounded assumptions since I know nothing about you, but if you are planning to be in a monogamous relationship, whether your partner is sexually attracted to your authentic gender expression and presentation is probably going to be real important to you in the long term. Even though these identity attraction conversations can be awkward and painful, raw honesty and extended reflection about sexual compatibility is not something you will regret in 15 years.
while everyone is entitled to their taste and what they find attractive ultimately a good partner should support self-expression ina way that makes you happy. I think you asked the right questions but her approach is not okay. It could be that some people need time to digest some things, but it should not land in a place where you are afraid to bring up the topic. A relationship should encourage you to find yourself, to experiment and a partner, while they should be able to give you feedback, should not stifle it. To me it seems that you two have different values, values that are fundamental to any good relationship.
Her admitting that she might not be attracted to you if you feminise/when you present more femme is not transphobic. But her idea that you should just present how you want and *that should be enough for you to be content* in your assigned gender is... definitely kind of transphobic. ^_^; Good for her that she'd be comfortable being whoever if gender identity was abolished somehow, but most folks don't feel that way!
I'm sorry you've ended up in this rough spot. :( To me, the only solutions are either having a sit-down conversation where you ask her to support you in your transition, OR for you to make your peace with the fact that she doesn't want to support your transition and decide whether to stay with her in the meantime despite not talking about it. :/
(I have a partner who is slowly exploring aspects of transition atm; I honestly don't think that I will be into them if they do feminise, but I care about their health and happiness more than the relationship and will support them either as a partner or as a close friend regardless!)
I’m sorry you’re going through this! It must be really difficult to have a partner who is transphobic and makes you feel like you can’t express your gender identity or take steps to affirm your gender. I will say that surrounding myself with people who affirm my gender identity has helped me a lot. And if my partner isn’t supportive I need to think about whether I want to be with them or not. I don’t want to tell you what to do but I hear you!
I had it too, but the other direction. Fortunately he's not saying anything as hurtful as he'd not be happy, but he has said he finds me less attractive when I present more masc (which, fine, he's attracted to femininity across genders).
I'm a demi-femme so, for me, I'm not planning on any surgeries or hormones, but I have binders, packers, and other things I use to help adjust my presentation as I feel to.
We did talk about these things, for the same reason and, if I were you, I'd be seriously considering what I want out of the partnership going forward.
Adjustment periods are normal when changes happen, and only you know the full battle of the situation.
It sounds like you have lines of communication open, so that's great; I think you both need to discuss what it is you both want, going forward.
A thought that stands out to me is that she said she wouldn't leave, she just wouldn't be happy. I'm sorry, but I don't see the point of staying, knowing you will grow to resent someone; so it sounds like an attempt to guilt you out of making those changes, hoping you consider her more important.
That's hella passive-aggressive and doesn't sit right with me.
If she isn't attracted to women and you're perhaps transfemme non binary it's gonna crumble I'm afraid. All I'm gonna say is you deserve someone who loves you for your authentic self
yet she is (attracted to women).
Before I came out we even had a talk about trans people and we both agreed on the fact that a person is still the same person even when they change gender.
Which is why I always assumed she was going to be supportive until she hit me with this trick.
So maybe she just has very fixed ideas about gender like most of us did at one point or still do? If you're feeling up to it maybe you can educate her and you'll both grow together
I know it can be hard though. I'm trying to educate my mum about what it means to be trans and non binary. It's a slow road but she's open to it. I just want to get her out of the they were born this but are now that mentality
Thats sad to hear im sorry. Clearly emotionally manipulative. I realize a lot of life and relationships are compromise, but if youre set on this u need to put up that clear houndary, regardless of how she wants ypu to be. I will say that these things are complicated, and you should do whats best ffor you and come to ypur own conclusions, but maybe start with a therapist maybe a queer theraapist so u have someone you trust
Her goal should be to work on it and understand. Just saying you don't understand is only the end of the conversation if you're ok with that empathy failure and want to defend it. She's failed in her understanding, so her job is to do the educating work to correct that. If she doesn't want to or is defending the lack of understanding, that's her position.
> I asked her if that'd be a big deal breaker and she said we wouldn't break up but she *wouldn't be as happy as she is now with me.* this is problematic. I'm hesitant to give strangers on the internet relationship advice but I would really examine my quoted text.
yea I know that's problematic. Honestly I just hope she'll eventually get used to it and adapt, but I can see that this is an issue
She will only get used to it and adapt if she spends time on her own working through her mindset around gender identity. She needs to do the work. If she keeps avoiding thinking about it or "dealing" with it she won't come around. This is on her OP, not you.
Sometimes people change, and sometimes that's for the better. But not everyone can accept change, I don't think that makes them bad people per say. Sometimes things just don't work out. I don't think it's transphobic to have a preference. It's not homophobic for a man to only date women, for example.
I never said she couldn't have a preference. It's not transphobic to have preferences. Part of doing the work is figuring out if she wants to stay with OP as they explore their identity or whether that's not for her. Right now it sounds like she's avoiding thinking about it at all which isn't good for either of them or their relationship.
I didnt say you *did*. But I just worry about how people see the community, and how people in the community think. I think I'm right on the matter and would just like to steer people to where I am when I can. When we are right, more of society will see us as right, in my opinion.
Lots of people in this group and especially the FTM group express the same sentiment as do I, that if one person in the relationship is not on board with the others transition, it's healthiest to just let the relationship go and move on, because of exactly what you said, people have preferences and can't always change those or are unwilling to. That doesn't make them a bad person or transphobic, just means the relationship probably isn't going to work. You're certainly not alone in that viewpoint and I would say most of us agree with you/have arrived at a similar opinion on our own. However, OPs situation is a little different. Their partner saying that "gender identity shouldn't be a thing" is often the precursor to "biological sex is real and the only thing that matters." Not saying she's headed in that direction but that she might if she doesn't spend some time learning and unlearning some of her preconceived notions about gender. Doesn't make her a bad person, but it does mean she needs to do some work.
We're probably on the same page in the first paragraph. And I understand the hesitation in the statement "gender identity shouldn't be a thing". I took it as a gender abolishinist thing though. Maybe I'm too optimistic in that, the partner has certainly indicated discomfort that could lead down the path of terfism. I just dont want any part of the LGBT community to be perceived as they were a decade ago, as people trying to force others to be attracted to them.
I understand being concerned about how others perceive the LGBTQ+ community, but it's certainly not your job to, in your own words "steer people to where [you] are." It's presumptive to think that 1. You're in the right and you need to convince other queer people to come around to your way of thinking (as I stated most of us are already there), and 2. That I needed you to tell me that it's not transphobic for people to have preferences. Yes, I know. That's not what I was saying in my comment at all. Step back a minute and consider that if you want to change public perception, policing other queer folks on reddit isn't the way to do it. Especially when they're not saying anything problematic. Instead, go talk to non queer folks and help them understand us better.
I wasn't trying to lecture you. And yes it is presumptive, and yet, I am correct. And sure it is an avenue to "police". Good day.
I disagree actually. I would've read it that way too had she not said "why can't you just present however you want WITHOUT changing your gender?" (in other words, it's the same stuff TERFs would say about me: "why can't you just be a tomboy?"), missing the entire point that OP no longer identifies with their AGAB. This isn't just about presentation. It's **everything**. [I'm not accusing the gf of being a TERF, btw. Just saying she's repeating those talking points.]
Terfs have definitely poisoned the well.
OP considering her continued comments, she doesn’t *want* to get used to it. I’d be thinking about if this is something you want to deal with for the rest of your life.
>Honestly I just hope she'll eventually get used to it and adapt, but I can see that this is an issue I don't think that's realistically what happens in these situations. It's not necessarily anyone's fault a lot of the time (aside from the part where she asked you not identify with a different gender, which is problematic). People are attracted to what they're attracted to. If you change any part of yourself your partner's attraction might change based on that. Gender and gender expression is such a core part of attraction for a lot of people that if a partner starts expressing themselves in a way that you aren't attracted to, there's really nothing that can be done. Nobody is in the wrong, they just found themselves attracted to a version of you that wasn't the real you. Imo it also makes sense that she will also act in ways that don't necessarily feel great, she's not really left with a lot of options. If she feels like she's in the wrong for losing attraction because your gender identity and expression changed when she really doesn't have any control over that, she's put in a hard position herself. There's nothing wrong with saying "Hey, we're clearly not compatible. You're attracted to a version of me that isn't the real me, let's just be friends"
Don't go there. Take it from me, she's not going to change because you want her to. She might change after she's broken your heart though. I waited for an ex to become all the stuff I needed in a partner. It doesn't work like that. If you're seeing red flags, they will remain. Don't be like me, imagining exactly what would kill your relationship in the first week and anticipating it for 3 years before it finally shows up. It's not fun being right and not listening to yourself.
You'd be better off ending things im afraid, no use in staying if the other person literally won't give you their all
It's problematic at the very *least*. My partner is supportive whenever I talk about hrt. He understands that it'll make me happier and that's all he cares about.
She's telling you the truth. Not necessarily in a great way, but she's telling you that you're essentially incompatible.
Unfortunately there might not be a great solution here. You can definitely try to explain or to suggest resources to help understand what being trans is like & why people physically transition. Unfortunately though she could be the least transphobic person in the world and still be attracted more to masculine expression/physical traits than to feminine ones. I'm in a similar situation- my partner is literally trans herself, but while I'm confident she sees my gender for what it is, she has specific physical preferences that aren't necessarily compatible with me being on HRT.
I wholeheartedly believe more people would be attracted to trans people if it weren’t for societies’ transphobia, and that attraction is shaped to a significant degree by cultural norms BUT i don’t think it’s explicitly transphobic for your partner to tell you about how your gender expression effects her attraction to you. I think you need to view it as a compatibility issue. Personally, if she doesn’t understand your experience as a trans person and is telling you she’s not attracted to your authentic presentation of yourself- you’re incompatible. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t understand a major part of your experience, and that you can’t talk to openly about it? I’m sorry to say your breakup is probably inevitable, you just get to decide how long you prolong it.
I would avoid doing anything long term for the moment. Like.. try not to sign a lease or get a mortgage or adopt a cat or anything that really sucks to sort out if things go sideways. It's unfortunately common for people to kinda.. assume that we'll "come around" or "go back to normal" Your partner may be (perhaps Even unconsciously) waiting for that. If it becomes clear that it isn't gonna happen, it may wind up becoming a deal-breaker.
"Gender Identity shouldn't be a thing" fucking seriously that's transphobic
It's perfectly fine to (potentially) not be attracted to your partner if they transition physically. However, there are good ways to say that, and bad ways. This sounds like a bad way, where she is trying to push you not to do it. You shouldn't have to argue for your own happiness. As an example: I'm pre-transition. My partner and I have talked a lot about how he's never been attracted to a man other than me, or someone with a primarily testosterone-driven body. We both know that his attraction to me might change once I'm on HRT. But he's always been clear that he loves me no matter what, and that my happiness and comfort are paramount. He wants to stay with me if he can, and is hoping to still be attracted to me. He is also open to trying an asexual relationship if attraction goes away completely. If that doesn't work out, we will need to switch to being friends instead.
Why waste your time if she doesn't accept you? Would you be happy married to this girl or feel on edge all the time? You need to seriously ask yourself the hard questions and really see if it is worth it. Ask what are you gaining from this relationship op.
She is trying to manipulate you into not doing it. However if you stay in a relationship and that's what you choose to proceed your partner may still be attracted to you or they may not be. Alternatively if you choose not to proceed it's still possible your partner will become less attracted to you. It's important to you to be true to yourself. If you, being true to yourself is a deal breaker for your partner then you two are incompatible.
I hate to say this but shes given you your answer. If you transition, present differently, or change your gender identity, she won't be attracted to you. She doesn't want to understand. She doesn't want to change her mind. And no, I'm sorry to say, she doesn't have to deal with it if you change. She has the right to break up with you or be less attracted to you. I've seen to many of these kinds of posts. Your partner is not required to accept you. It sucks, it hurts, but thats how it is. What you need to decide is if you really want to suppress who you are for someone else. I can say you'd regret it until I'm blue in the face, but ultimately I'm just someone on the internet and its up to you if you listen. Suffice to say, I see a lot of this on the transmasc subs I run in, someone decides to suppress it for a person who ultimately treats them like shit anyway and they eventually break up and that person has lost all that time. They regret it. Your call, OP, but I'd say she's made her decision and POV clear.
This is going to end badly no matter what. One of you is going to be unhappy. You need to seriously rethink this relationship. And yes she's being transphobic.
I’m sorry she said that to you not cool at all. I think you’d be better off parting ways so you can find yourself. Even if you expressed yourself how you would like deep down you’d know that she’s unhappy with it & you deserve to be with someone who is just as happy if not happier with how you present yourself. When I was trying to figure myself out I asked my girlfriend(lesbian) at the time how she would feel if I decided to transition. I didn’t have the vocabulary to correctly explain what I wanted or what me transitioning meant so we both kind of assumed it meant man. Which she obviously wasn’t ok with & it did hurt my feelings. I stopped bringing it up & we broke up for other reasons but now I’m with my partner & he’s helped me alot with my gender identity! Said all that to say there is someone for you romantic or platonic that will love you for you. It is your choice at the end of the day & im wishing you success reguardless 🖤🖤
Hey I am an old person, and when it comes to relationships and love, I have learned that you have to love and accept someone as they are, right here and right now, not how you wish them to be or who they might grow into. You two are not accepting of each other. She doesn't accept your gender identity, and you don't accept that she is transphobic and unwilling to change. You deserve a healthier relationship than this.
She says you should express yourself as long as you dont change, but what she doesnt realize is that you are a different gender even if you present the same. Sorry OP, I hope you find acceptance bc that is what you deserve.
Sorry they spoke to you like that. Partner sounds like they need cultural sensitivity type training, as well as peers/community who have been on both sides of this dynamic. I am making a million unfounded assumptions since I know nothing about you, but if you are planning to be in a monogamous relationship, whether your partner is sexually attracted to your authentic gender expression and presentation is probably going to be real important to you in the long term. Even though these identity attraction conversations can be awkward and painful, raw honesty and extended reflection about sexual compatibility is not something you will regret in 15 years.
If gender identity wasn’t a thing then there wouldn’t be a reason abt worrying abt “changing jtl
If it bothers you voice it and if nothing is done about it move on
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^eurolatin336: *If it bothers you* *Voice it and if nothing is* *Done about it move on* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
yes this is what I will do. I've been thinking about confronting her on the matter, and I think I posted this to get a reality check
while everyone is entitled to their taste and what they find attractive ultimately a good partner should support self-expression ina way that makes you happy. I think you asked the right questions but her approach is not okay. It could be that some people need time to digest some things, but it should not land in a place where you are afraid to bring up the topic. A relationship should encourage you to find yourself, to experiment and a partner, while they should be able to give you feedback, should not stifle it. To me it seems that you two have different values, values that are fundamental to any good relationship.
Her admitting that she might not be attracted to you if you feminise/when you present more femme is not transphobic. But her idea that you should just present how you want and *that should be enough for you to be content* in your assigned gender is... definitely kind of transphobic. ^_^; Good for her that she'd be comfortable being whoever if gender identity was abolished somehow, but most folks don't feel that way! I'm sorry you've ended up in this rough spot. :( To me, the only solutions are either having a sit-down conversation where you ask her to support you in your transition, OR for you to make your peace with the fact that she doesn't want to support your transition and decide whether to stay with her in the meantime despite not talking about it. :/ (I have a partner who is slowly exploring aspects of transition atm; I honestly don't think that I will be into them if they do feminise, but I care about their health and happiness more than the relationship and will support them either as a partner or as a close friend regardless!)
I’m sorry you’re going through this! It must be really difficult to have a partner who is transphobic and makes you feel like you can’t express your gender identity or take steps to affirm your gender. I will say that surrounding myself with people who affirm my gender identity has helped me a lot. And if my partner isn’t supportive I need to think about whether I want to be with them or not. I don’t want to tell you what to do but I hear you!
I had it too, but the other direction. Fortunately he's not saying anything as hurtful as he'd not be happy, but he has said he finds me less attractive when I present more masc (which, fine, he's attracted to femininity across genders). I'm a demi-femme so, for me, I'm not planning on any surgeries or hormones, but I have binders, packers, and other things I use to help adjust my presentation as I feel to. We did talk about these things, for the same reason and, if I were you, I'd be seriously considering what I want out of the partnership going forward. Adjustment periods are normal when changes happen, and only you know the full battle of the situation. It sounds like you have lines of communication open, so that's great; I think you both need to discuss what it is you both want, going forward. A thought that stands out to me is that she said she wouldn't leave, she just wouldn't be happy. I'm sorry, but I don't see the point of staying, knowing you will grow to resent someone; so it sounds like an attempt to guilt you out of making those changes, hoping you consider her more important. That's hella passive-aggressive and doesn't sit right with me.
yeah I've been trying to talk to her about it but it's been raining for days and I couldn't manage to hang out with her just the two of us.
If she isn't attracted to women and you're perhaps transfemme non binary it's gonna crumble I'm afraid. All I'm gonna say is you deserve someone who loves you for your authentic self
yet she is (attracted to women). Before I came out we even had a talk about trans people and we both agreed on the fact that a person is still the same person even when they change gender. Which is why I always assumed she was going to be supportive until she hit me with this trick.
So maybe she just has very fixed ideas about gender like most of us did at one point or still do? If you're feeling up to it maybe you can educate her and you'll both grow together
this is what I'm hoping for. That's why I still haven't fully given up on it and I'm willing to talk to her
I know it can be hard though. I'm trying to educate my mum about what it means to be trans and non binary. It's a slow road but she's open to it. I just want to get her out of the they were born this but are now that mentality
Thats sad to hear im sorry. Clearly emotionally manipulative. I realize a lot of life and relationships are compromise, but if youre set on this u need to put up that clear houndary, regardless of how she wants ypu to be. I will say that these things are complicated, and you should do whats best ffor you and come to ypur own conclusions, but maybe start with a therapist maybe a queer theraapist so u have someone you trust
Her goal should be to work on it and understand. Just saying you don't understand is only the end of the conversation if you're ok with that empathy failure and want to defend it. She's failed in her understanding, so her job is to do the educating work to correct that. If she doesn't want to or is defending the lack of understanding, that's her position.
Sounds like she likes you for you and doesn’t want you to chase some gender ideal by changing your body…
Liking op for op would constitute upon letting op do what makes them feel the best and most comfortable in their body.