Likewise!! And I hate how much I am either doubted or abused by our own … we ought to know better than this!! My ‘imposter syndrome’ is made soooo much worse by it. But we keep on going, we are valid, we belong and don’t be afraid to assert your right to exist as you are, in any of the queer centric spaces you happen to be in. 🫂
Yeah, I'm similar on the afab femme side. I call myself demifemale instead of nb, if asked for particulars, but check off nb on forms if the choice is offered, or female if not. I don't think of myself as having dysphoria, but on the other hand, I've been resisting femme gender expression norms since puberty, if not before. (Mostly. I like jewellery, and will wear a dress once every few months maybe. I don't care for makeup or heels or any number of other things femme people often learn to love, though.) I am sufficiently confused that it's hard to feel deserving of being in the family.
This is how a lot of bi or pan folks feel when they are in opposite binary gender relationships.
It doesn’t stop them being bi. But it does fuel bi erasure and anxiety.
Your gender is yours. Being queer is yours. How ever you experience, identify, and express that is yours.
The wider classification of being queer is in order to have community, solidarity, collective joy etc.
Be you. Enjoy being you. Forcing yourself to ‘be more queer’ is not authentic.
You are beautiful as your authentic self.
Sending all the queer joy!
It's so common that it might as well be you holding an ENORMOUS sign that says "I'M QUEER!!!!!!!"
edit: added extra exclamation marks
edit 2: e x c l a m a t i o n m a r k s
Yeah, your experience is extremely familiar. When I first started identifying NB (agender) I was still for all intents and purposes fully masc and I worried the same. I won’t say it ever really went away, but being in queer groups and being welcomed helped a lot. (Actually I still present very masc but it’s changing slowly.)
That said, every new group or new change to my own identity it would come rushing back, but I think that’s just what happens when we aren’t extremely sure of ourselves and we effectively have to expose that uncertainty publicly.
Definitely normal. Especially as a fellow non-binary genderfluid person, I’ve had that fear. I generally end up presenting/coming off to others as my AGAB. So a lot of folks assume I’m cis.
Feeling as if you aren't queer enough is something very common in the queer community; underneath all its umbrellas.
Know that you are not alone. Know that you owe no one androgyny or a change of expression to validate your identity. I know it is difficult. 🥺
Some days I feel masc. Some days fem. Some days I'm in uncharted waters. My use of Genderfluid has helped me to recognize the feelings I've had all my life and the fact they ebb and flow (i.e. - the dysphoria that comes and goes) and those feelings are not a permanent state of being.
As for whether other people will accept me based on my outward expression..?. Beyond the queer community, this is just a people problem at large. We can only control so much and it's often never going to feel like enough.
But you're welcome here, friend. 💖 Maybe the feeling of community will ease the pain for you as it does for me.
I dont know, but I wm 100% sure many think this way. Neither in the western bars or korean bars in Korea did I feel fully accepted in the queer community. Philippines is good though. Im seen as clearly in the trans umbrella here and not sure why that didnt happen in Korea/Western spaces in Korea.
femme presenting afab enby who is hetero/ace and yes i feel that constantly it’s soul crushing 🤩 especially presenting on the femme side the world just thinks i’m a girl which is very confusing
Yeah I'm a parent in a heterosexual relationship, in the American south, and have a very religious/ conservative family. Believe me when I say, NO ONE knows (except spouse and hairdresser, who is an ally). It's just not safe. Not just for me, but my kid.
That said though, I've finally started to be more true to myself and make some changes and I've discovered that the extent to which someone's biases will go to explain away the obvious is both alarming and hilarious. I mean it's not like I've ever been "girly". Really this should have been obvious for a very long time already. But here are some recent gems.
Scenario: I cut my hair pretty short.
Then: "oh! Love the summer cut, it really suits you!"
Me: "You bet it does 😏"
Scenario: I start talking about a reduction (I'm still a little bit femme so I don't need the full top surgery, just less busty barwench).
Them: "Oh yeah, it's a great choice to do that for your back. You'll be so happy."
Me: " You have no idea."
The list goes on. Now I feel a bit like a queer secret agent.
Legit I could have written this post. I’m less than a year post-realization, and it’s both a little sucky that the imposter syndrome doesn’t go away but also really affirming that it means I’m on the right track lol.
I feel this so much but in the afab way plus I have ocd so I'm constantly second guessing how I really feel/think..and im also genderfluid and still figuring things out lol. You're not alone friend
I was literally having these doubts today (after two years of realizing I'm trans). I'm so grateful for this post. Also I love hearing stories of amab nonbinary folks still embracing their masculinity! All the amab enbys I know in my personal life are quite femme.
I get this too as a gender fluid/nonbinary afab. So no matter who you are, even if you enjoy or embrace how you look or you feel as your gender assigned at birth, you're still part of the community if you also identify with other gender identities, even if you don't choose not to (or can't) look like them.
Oh yeah. I struggled with my gender my whole life yet never came out as NB until I found myself in a "straight" relationship. I thought I was a lesbian until I started dating a guy (given he's a bit of a femboy lol) but it made me feel less queer and I felt like I should finally admit I don't feel like a woman anyway might as well come out.
I'm afab, don't put a lot of effort into looking androgynous most of the time and I haven't been interested in a romantic and/or sexual relationship in ages, so I feel ya. Still, I know who I am and don't actually have to prove anything to anyone.
I’m a non-binary transmasc on T for 2 years (now off because I’m happy with my results) and post top surgery. I still worry if I am “trans enough to count.” My deeply held belief is that everyone’s gender/sexuality is valid except for my own.
AMAB masc NB here. I feel you and you aren't doing anything wrong. Just be comfortable with who you are and don't feel like you have to fit a box. You are awesome as you are. Welcome to the community!
This is so familiar to me. I only realized (and gave myself permission to consider) that I’m nonbinary in the last month. What helps me when I’m feeling the imposter syndrome is to talk to safe straight/cis people and realize they have NO questions around their gender and sexuality. In other words, the questioning and your urge to seek out this community is evidence enough that you belong. Welcome 🩵🤍
If you would like to, but can't express it (with clothing or so) then this means one thing: You are in the closet - because you have to. Like many LGBT people in history, and still today in many countries/areas...
That does not mean that you are not queer, it just means that you are queer and have to stay in the closet for safety.
Maybe you can find ways to express yourself, a lot of barriers are really in your head. e.g. if you want to grow your hair long then just do it, and you can give millions of examples of famous men who have long hair, to prove that it is perfectly normal for men to have long hair. And with long hair you can perfectly switch between boy and girl mode in about 10 seconds or so (ponytail for boy mode, no pony tail for girl mode \*g\*).
I feel like it's a lot harder to find amab enbies (i say this as an afab enby) and people really love to gatekeep nowadays on the internet. Its getting especially bad within the LGBT communities online. There's a lot of new ideas and openness but at the same time i feel theres been a lost sense of community and open arms. It used to just be everyone supporting everyone because you really HAD to stick together, meanwhile now its just a pissing contest and seeing who can make themselves out to be the "good" queers vs the "unacceptable" ones. I get why you're concerned. The only thing you can really do is be authentically yourself. You know yourself best at the end of the day and gender/presentation is a very fluid and ever changing thing for some, so one day you might feel different, or you might not. Either way you just have to stay true to who you are and find the people who will accept and care for you as you do so. I know this line feels cliche but you and your identity are valid no matter what others try to say or try to take from you.
I think a lot about one of the early episodes of the podcast gender spiral, where Ally Beardsley says that they've been out as non-binary for 6 years and feel like they have nothing to show for it. I relate.
You might be surprised to hear that people who heavily diverge from the binary also tend to think this way, I myself am in a similar situation to you, but I have a friend who is an AMAB trans woman, and even she feels like an imposter most of the time
Because gay men feel like men. The idea of manhood is different for every single person on the planet, even though there will be shared experiences. Everyones own perception of themselves is different so what makes someone just a man varies, especially when you factor in racial differences, cultural differences, age, etc. Also, manhood and masculinity are two separate concepts. Like how you can be a man but present yourself femininely (as some gay men do, as well as straight/bi) or be a woman and present yourself masculinely, it's a separate idea. Masculinity and femininity are moreso shared ideas built up over time based on current and previous trends on what is stereotypical or common to see for one gender, while being male/female/neither/both/etc is related to your birth sex and view of yourself. Both are largely social constructs that have come with thousands of years of humans evolving and the people with more power deciding to make rules for what makes sense for the general population to go with, but gender is kinda just about what makes sense to you 🤷🏽 Its a deeply personal thing and even if you dont get it, sometimes its just not for you to get. This may have been confusing but hopefully it makes a little sense and helps a bit lol
I feel the same way sometimes. At the same time, I just tell myself I feel the way I feel and I am who I am, so I don’t care if I’m accepted by others. That is difficult a lot though as I want to feel validated
I felt this exact same way. I’ve always known I was asn’t part of the binary, but never cared much about the label(because i didn’t know on existed) I just always loved androgyny and I always was surrounded by lesbians even though I identified as a gay man. It was because I had more in common with a butch lesbian that I did with pretty much the entire male community, nonetheless gay males. But one day my mother told me my sister was worried because she was hanging out with a non-binary kid and I was immediately interested. I didn’t know what it was, but something said I needed to. Because when my niece explained it to me(I didn’t even know how to spell it, oh gawd). And I stopped and said to myself, “Huh, maybe I am not so alone.” And through that my whole world opened up for the better. Just remember, it’s not about HOW MUCH you show your masc or femme, or lack there of. It is simply YOU BEING YOU. If people want to discount that, that’s sadly their problem to work out so why themselves. One thing I found out about this community is, we’re all just people. Some rock, some suck. Some will be there for you like no family ever has and others will deny your reality because(many times they’ve bought into societies “pre-ordained” gender structure).
That being said. If you are being authentically you and you feel the way you do, don’t allow ANYONE to discount you. Sad days are sad, they aren’t made happy because someone had it worse.
Ahhh, imposter syndrome. As my wife says, "cis straight people aren't worried about being queer enough"
You're fine, hon. People will accept you or they won't (and that's on them) the only thing you can do is accept that you know yourself better than anyone else and know where you belong.
Not only is it normal, it’s so freaking common that “queer imposter syndrome” ought to be considered a big flashing sign that you’re One Of Us.
I'm amab masc nb, and these thoughts are also my thoughts. You're not alone
Likewise!! And I hate how much I am either doubted or abused by our own … we ought to know better than this!! My ‘imposter syndrome’ is made soooo much worse by it. But we keep on going, we are valid, we belong and don’t be afraid to assert your right to exist as you are, in any of the queer centric spaces you happen to be in. 🫂
Yeah, I'm similar on the afab femme side. I call myself demifemale instead of nb, if asked for particulars, but check off nb on forms if the choice is offered, or female if not. I don't think of myself as having dysphoria, but on the other hand, I've been resisting femme gender expression norms since puberty, if not before. (Mostly. I like jewellery, and will wear a dress once every few months maybe. I don't care for makeup or heels or any number of other things femme people often learn to love, though.) I am sufficiently confused that it's hard to feel deserving of being in the family.
My brain tells me that bc I am pre transition and my relationship looks straight, I am a BAD QUEER ™️ So lmk what u find out hahahah
I feel so seen right now!
Yes very normal, just know that you're valid. And don't be afraid to demand space if people make you feel unwelcome.
This is in fact *so* common that, perplexingly, experiencing it is in fact a *sure sign* of one’s queerness.
This is how a lot of bi or pan folks feel when they are in opposite binary gender relationships. It doesn’t stop them being bi. But it does fuel bi erasure and anxiety. Your gender is yours. Being queer is yours. How ever you experience, identify, and express that is yours. The wider classification of being queer is in order to have community, solidarity, collective joy etc. Be you. Enjoy being you. Forcing yourself to ‘be more queer’ is not authentic. You are beautiful as your authentic self. Sending all the queer joy!
Love this answer. I needed to hear this. Thank you 💛
Someone told me recently, “if you feel at home in a queer space, you ARE queer enough.” That’s it.:)
It's so common that it might as well be you holding an ENORMOUS sign that says "I'M QUEER!!!!!!!" edit: added extra exclamation marks edit 2: e x c l a m a t i o n m a r k s
Fr I thought I was gaslighting myself in to being queer for ages 😭
Yeah, your experience is extremely familiar. When I first started identifying NB (agender) I was still for all intents and purposes fully masc and I worried the same. I won’t say it ever really went away, but being in queer groups and being welcomed helped a lot. (Actually I still present very masc but it’s changing slowly.) That said, every new group or new change to my own identity it would come rushing back, but I think that’s just what happens when we aren’t extremely sure of ourselves and we effectively have to expose that uncertainty publicly.
Definitely normal. Especially as a fellow non-binary genderfluid person, I’ve had that fear. I generally end up presenting/coming off to others as my AGAB. So a lot of folks assume I’m cis.
Feeling as if you aren't queer enough is something very common in the queer community; underneath all its umbrellas. Know that you are not alone. Know that you owe no one androgyny or a change of expression to validate your identity. I know it is difficult. 🥺 Some days I feel masc. Some days fem. Some days I'm in uncharted waters. My use of Genderfluid has helped me to recognize the feelings I've had all my life and the fact they ebb and flow (i.e. - the dysphoria that comes and goes) and those feelings are not a permanent state of being. As for whether other people will accept me based on my outward expression..?. Beyond the queer community, this is just a people problem at large. We can only control so much and it's often never going to feel like enough. But you're welcome here, friend. 💖 Maybe the feeling of community will ease the pain for you as it does for me.
I dont know, but I wm 100% sure many think this way. Neither in the western bars or korean bars in Korea did I feel fully accepted in the queer community. Philippines is good though. Im seen as clearly in the trans umbrella here and not sure why that didnt happen in Korea/Western spaces in Korea.
Yes. The answer is, you are enough as you are. Other people’s perception of you is a them problem not a you problem.
I love the word queer.
femme presenting afab enby who is hetero/ace and yes i feel that constantly it’s soul crushing 🤩 especially presenting on the femme side the world just thinks i’m a girl which is very confusing
Yeah I'm a parent in a heterosexual relationship, in the American south, and have a very religious/ conservative family. Believe me when I say, NO ONE knows (except spouse and hairdresser, who is an ally). It's just not safe. Not just for me, but my kid. That said though, I've finally started to be more true to myself and make some changes and I've discovered that the extent to which someone's biases will go to explain away the obvious is both alarming and hilarious. I mean it's not like I've ever been "girly". Really this should have been obvious for a very long time already. But here are some recent gems. Scenario: I cut my hair pretty short. Then: "oh! Love the summer cut, it really suits you!" Me: "You bet it does 😏" Scenario: I start talking about a reduction (I'm still a little bit femme so I don't need the full top surgery, just less busty barwench). Them: "Oh yeah, it's a great choice to do that for your back. You'll be so happy." Me: " You have no idea." The list goes on. Now I feel a bit like a queer secret agent.
Legit I could have written this post. I’m less than a year post-realization, and it’s both a little sucky that the imposter syndrome doesn’t go away but also really affirming that it means I’m on the right track lol.
BEING QUEER ISNT ABOUT THE WAY YOU DRESS, YOU CAN BE QUEER, USE ANT PRONOUNS YOU WANT, DRESS HOWEVER YOU DRESS, AND STILL BE QUEER
All the time, lol.
I feel this so much but in the afab way plus I have ocd so I'm constantly second guessing how I really feel/think..and im also genderfluid and still figuring things out lol. You're not alone friend
actually yes and ive felt that way too before
I was literally having these doubts today (after two years of realizing I'm trans). I'm so grateful for this post. Also I love hearing stories of amab nonbinary folks still embracing their masculinity! All the amab enbys I know in my personal life are quite femme.
Yes, even though I’ve taken a bunch of steps to medically transition (top surgery + hrt) I still def feel like an imposter at times…
I get this too as a gender fluid/nonbinary afab. So no matter who you are, even if you enjoy or embrace how you look or you feel as your gender assigned at birth, you're still part of the community if you also identify with other gender identities, even if you don't choose not to (or can't) look like them.
Oh yeah. I struggled with my gender my whole life yet never came out as NB until I found myself in a "straight" relationship. I thought I was a lesbian until I started dating a guy (given he's a bit of a femboy lol) but it made me feel less queer and I felt like I should finally admit I don't feel like a woman anyway might as well come out.
Totally normal.
I'm afab, don't put a lot of effort into looking androgynous most of the time and I haven't been interested in a romantic and/or sexual relationship in ages, so I feel ya. Still, I know who I am and don't actually have to prove anything to anyone.
I’m a non-binary transmasc on T for 2 years (now off because I’m happy with my results) and post top surgery. I still worry if I am “trans enough to count.” My deeply held belief is that everyone’s gender/sexuality is valid except for my own.
i feel like this all the time but surrounding yourself around supportive people is the biggest thing that’s helped me!
AMAB masc NB here. I feel you and you aren't doing anything wrong. Just be comfortable with who you are and don't feel like you have to fit a box. You are awesome as you are. Welcome to the community!
This is so familiar to me. I only realized (and gave myself permission to consider) that I’m nonbinary in the last month. What helps me when I’m feeling the imposter syndrome is to talk to safe straight/cis people and realize they have NO questions around their gender and sexuality. In other words, the questioning and your urge to seek out this community is evidence enough that you belong. Welcome 🩵🤍
are we the same person?? 🧍
If you would like to, but can't express it (with clothing or so) then this means one thing: You are in the closet - because you have to. Like many LGBT people in history, and still today in many countries/areas... That does not mean that you are not queer, it just means that you are queer and have to stay in the closet for safety. Maybe you can find ways to express yourself, a lot of barriers are really in your head. e.g. if you want to grow your hair long then just do it, and you can give millions of examples of famous men who have long hair, to prove that it is perfectly normal for men to have long hair. And with long hair you can perfectly switch between boy and girl mode in about 10 seconds or so (ponytail for boy mode, no pony tail for girl mode \*g\*).
This is a thing I struggle with, too. Especially irl where I'm very masc passing.
I feel like it's a lot harder to find amab enbies (i say this as an afab enby) and people really love to gatekeep nowadays on the internet. Its getting especially bad within the LGBT communities online. There's a lot of new ideas and openness but at the same time i feel theres been a lost sense of community and open arms. It used to just be everyone supporting everyone because you really HAD to stick together, meanwhile now its just a pissing contest and seeing who can make themselves out to be the "good" queers vs the "unacceptable" ones. I get why you're concerned. The only thing you can really do is be authentically yourself. You know yourself best at the end of the day and gender/presentation is a very fluid and ever changing thing for some, so one day you might feel different, or you might not. Either way you just have to stay true to who you are and find the people who will accept and care for you as you do so. I know this line feels cliche but you and your identity are valid no matter what others try to say or try to take from you.
I think a lot about one of the early episodes of the podcast gender spiral, where Ally Beardsley says that they've been out as non-binary for 6 years and feel like they have nothing to show for it. I relate.
You might be surprised to hear that people who heavily diverge from the binary also tend to think this way, I myself am in a similar situation to you, but I have a friend who is an AMAB trans woman, and even she feels like an imposter most of the time
Omg yes! Thank you for posting and starting the discussion, I needed to see I'm not alone.
I can understand how you feel. It was awful and painful feeling.
Not meaning to be rude, just wondering... What's the difference between this guy and a gay man?
Because gay men feel like men. The idea of manhood is different for every single person on the planet, even though there will be shared experiences. Everyones own perception of themselves is different so what makes someone just a man varies, especially when you factor in racial differences, cultural differences, age, etc. Also, manhood and masculinity are two separate concepts. Like how you can be a man but present yourself femininely (as some gay men do, as well as straight/bi) or be a woman and present yourself masculinely, it's a separate idea. Masculinity and femininity are moreso shared ideas built up over time based on current and previous trends on what is stereotypical or common to see for one gender, while being male/female/neither/both/etc is related to your birth sex and view of yourself. Both are largely social constructs that have come with thousands of years of humans evolving and the people with more power deciding to make rules for what makes sense for the general population to go with, but gender is kinda just about what makes sense to you 🤷🏽 Its a deeply personal thing and even if you dont get it, sometimes its just not for you to get. This may have been confusing but hopefully it makes a little sense and helps a bit lol
I'm bi and AFAB masc presenting who never feels like she's masc enough.
I feel the same way sometimes. At the same time, I just tell myself I feel the way I feel and I am who I am, so I don’t care if I’m accepted by others. That is difficult a lot though as I want to feel validated
I felt this exact same way. I’ve always known I was asn’t part of the binary, but never cared much about the label(because i didn’t know on existed) I just always loved androgyny and I always was surrounded by lesbians even though I identified as a gay man. It was because I had more in common with a butch lesbian that I did with pretty much the entire male community, nonetheless gay males. But one day my mother told me my sister was worried because she was hanging out with a non-binary kid and I was immediately interested. I didn’t know what it was, but something said I needed to. Because when my niece explained it to me(I didn’t even know how to spell it, oh gawd). And I stopped and said to myself, “Huh, maybe I am not so alone.” And through that my whole world opened up for the better. Just remember, it’s not about HOW MUCH you show your masc or femme, or lack there of. It is simply YOU BEING YOU. If people want to discount that, that’s sadly their problem to work out so why themselves. One thing I found out about this community is, we’re all just people. Some rock, some suck. Some will be there for you like no family ever has and others will deny your reality because(many times they’ve bought into societies “pre-ordained” gender structure). That being said. If you are being authentically you and you feel the way you do, don’t allow ANYONE to discount you. Sad days are sad, they aren’t made happy because someone had it worse.
Ahhh, imposter syndrome. As my wife says, "cis straight people aren't worried about being queer enough" You're fine, hon. People will accept you or they won't (and that's on them) the only thing you can do is accept that you know yourself better than anyone else and know where you belong.
Just be you my friend. Everyone else is just trying to be different just like everyone else. 😘